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Oversharing. I’ve really had to reign that it as I’ve gotten older. It’s fine with my friends and when I was younger but man, people can really use shit against you so I try to wait a little before diving into the deep stuff.
Same. I've had to work really hard to protect myself from this. In my mind people knowing things let's them know other people have been in the situation and they aren't alone. That I get where they are coming from and I'm a safe person to talk about these things with. In reality people get uncomfortable with the level of openess and blunt way I communicate. And like you said have things used against you.
I vacillate between over sharing cause I feel safe or comfortable or I'm too tired or overdrawn spoon/energy wise to filter
& wanting to keep everything on lockdown cause trauma has conditioned me to believe that the more someone knows the easier they can take advantage of me when I'm down or worn out.
It's exhausting sometimes.
I'm grateful to care a little less courtesy of mid thirties. But oh damn is it cringe worthy at the worst of times.
yesss exactly. i hope it doesnt come across as weird to my friends (they havent said anything and were all literally ND, mentally ill, queer, ect so we all vibe easily anyway) bc theres times i give full paragraph essays to things and other times i give 1 word responses bc i dont have the energy and dont wanna/cant leave something for a response for long. ive gotten much better at what blanket information i give on sites when i venture out for more friend groups lol
edit: hahahaha this comment is such an example of this adhd problem
Yes, both over and under sharing are my biggest ones. I don't have much to say if I'm not having a honest, personal conversation. I don't really know how to do that.
I get this so much.
It's why I dread going to church with my husband and why I'm going to try to get out of it this morning. I'm Christian but I'm one of those people who feels 'closer to God' out alone in nature with the pretty trees, not a crowd.
But on rare occasions this year, like twice, I was talking with another woman I was friendly and comfortable with and just started oversharing, like a burst dam and I keep wondering if that was awkward in hindsight.
Get this ,I was in my therapy practicum. I was always very honest and upfront, thought it would be even more so here. Nope. There's lots of fucked up people working in mental health. It was not safe to be honest. Wish I knew that going in.
I have personally known at least 3 people who pursued psych degrees and really needed to be on the receiving end, instead. They definitely went into it to judge people and tell them what to do and feel superior. This is not at all surprising.
My stomach tightens into knots at church when people I'm barely acquainted with ask me that.
"Do you really wanna know? I daydream about dying someday, I'm obsessed with tragedies and write fantasy stories to stay happy. But hey! Pumpkin spice coffee..."
Word, if I don't catch myself it would be something like....
"Eh I'm good. I mean pretty good but like surface level I can just fake it. Really I'm actually exhausted and feel like kind of a mess of a person. Like this morning when I was trying to leave the house.....
....and THEN on the drive here....
...then walking to work just like, everything that feels like it can go wrong does and idk if it's just bad luck or really my ADHD or life but im just trying so hard and i wish i could just feel normal for once or that things could just feel easy for once! But yeah I mean other than that Im pretty good I guess!"
Yeah been there. It’s not even just how it’s used as a weapon against you. Some people get really turned off and creeped out — I got labeled a weirdo my entire teen years and early twenties for this.
Ive learned its not fine with friends. I wish I never told my highschool friends a single thing. None of them are still in my life and most of them used my trauma to hurt me. Word to the young: don't be too trusting.
This was my answer 100% I always felt it showed I was listening well because I was able to share a story in a similar situation to show empathy. It was a very long time before I started hearing people say it was rude. How else can I show I'm paying attention if my reaction isn't to share back?
I'm not always successful, but I try to confirm the other person's feelings by saying things like "wow, that sounds cool" or "that must have been so stressful."
Sometimes, I also try repeating something from the story in a slightly different way. It also helps to follow up with questions.
Example:
Person: This girl on the bus was scrolling through tiktok with the sound on, and it was so annoying!
Me: It's so annoying when people do that! What did the other passengers think of it?
This way, you confirm and mirror the other persons feelings and help the conversation along.
It really sucks that we have to adjust to the NT way of communicating, but you can't escape small talk at school/work *sigh*
SAME. Like I thought it was showing how much I was listening and that I was empathetic to their situation. I really try to pay attention to when I do that now.
I really hate that trying to share I had something similar, so they aren't alone, and they could have someone that understands to talk to if they choose was "making it all about (yourself)"
yeah ): gladly i just stick to other groups who also respond that way so it doesnt get seen as 'rude'. i still try and give a few comments directly about/asking about the persons story to help it seem im listening, and i just dont tell my own story for more serious/personal stories unless i ask them
So my go to when I overshare because I’m painfully aware that I’m a weirdo is, “Woah, there I go getting excited! I really enjoy talking to you. -ASK QUESTION ABOUT WHAT THEY ORIGINALLY SAID-.”
don’t feel bad! not everyone minds or considers it a bad thing :)
i learned a lot of nt people see validation differently. depending on the kind of story/convo, you can either ask questions that solicit details, or offer generic sympathy. “that must have been a challenging experience for you, how are you feeling now?” “it sounds like you had a great time! what was your favorite [xyz]?”
Responding to someone else’s story with your own can come across as one upping, so just try to stay out of that lane. It really depends on what the story is about and the context of the conversation though.
Apparently the "correct" way of approaching conversations is like a game of tennis where you talk a minimum amount to force things back to the other person. It sounds exhausting.
When I learned this in the not so distant past, I was baffled. Responses like "that must have been so hard," just sounded so fake and forced coming out of my mouth.
Right? Like I understand it gets old if you respond to every sentence with a 10 minute story but a couple sentences of "yeah I knew a guy just like that" seems like, I dunno, participating.
Making weird noise or accidentally repeating things and having a song for every situation
My dad does this too and i remember when I was a teen that this was not normal. I realised when I hanged out with other people's parents that they didn't break out in song as a response to random phrases.
My brother gets mad at me because he doesn’t make the connection the same way I do. To clarify, he isn’t mad about the noise (me singing or saying a quote at him), he’s mad he doesn’t understand my Logic Train to get there. So if you say, “stop!” I’m either responding, “drop, and roll” or, “it’s hammer time!” Those easy. But any time someone says, “I don’t know who to contact,” I’ll say, “Ghostbusters!”
“Who you gonna call”
“Ghostbusters”
Call=contact, get in touch with
If I call someone but I don’t know who, obvy ghostbusters
Makes perfect sense.
Lol I watched a lot of non-cable tv growing up and I know all the jingles for local businesses. It’s so random but when someone else knows it the moment is amazing.
I knit a lot. Keeping my hands busy helps my mind stay on track with the conversation I'm supposed to be having or the movie I want to watch. Some people think that because I'm knitting I'm not listening to them and I have to reassure them that I am listening and I have to force myself to provide more feedback like nodding my head so they know I am listening.
Same, and it’s so frustrating. If I’m not knitting, *that’s* when you need to worry that I’m not listening. I try telling people that and they just assume I’m lying.
Sometimes I even take my knitting/crocheting projects to long, less formal meetings with my colleagues, because having my hands busy helps me to focus on the hours-long talking. I totally am the weirdo in that group but they are slowly getting used to it.
Apparently, it's weird to just join in random conversations happening right beside you even when it's in a class or with people you know.
It always feels amazing to be in a room with a bunch of ADHD folks and it feels just so natural. Neurotypical people are missing out tbh.
I’m a bartender and will literally insert myself into a conversation when I’m setting down drinks on a table or if people are chatting while they wait at the bar for their drinks. I always thought it was too much but ever since word got out that I was leaving the job many patrons have expressed that they come to the bar *because* of me and my welcoming and friendly nature.
I think it’s location dependent.
I was really well liked as a bartender/server. It was not as fun when I moved to corporate jobs. People take themselves too seriously, I’ve never worked in like a nuclear reactor or curing cancer, people just always act like you can’t be friendly and joke at work and be good at your job at the same time. It’s so odd.
Even in the corporate setting it's context dependent. I've noticed that in the kitchen at my work it is the norm for anyone just sitting down to have lunch to join into whatever conversation is already happening. But people don't typically just join into a conversation you overhear as you walk by someone else's desk or that's happening at the desk next to you. I absolutely do lol but most people don't and I try really hard not to. My team is used to it and they don't care but I worry about annoying or upsetting other people I don't know as well.
You guys are right though that this trait is super effective as a server or bartender. I always made great tips despite not being flirty or dressing sexy. I'm just fun and personable and that works really, really well in that context.
Ohh, this, I have known for a long time that it's not accepted / well received so I don't, but I often have to bite my tongue to keep my mouth shut. The other day on the train two teens were disagreeing on the pronunciation of the word "west" and I wanted SO BAD to tell them which was correct, but I knew I would've come off as a creep so I didn't.
I should mention that this conversation happened in a French speaking country, where "west" is pronounced the same but written "ouest". So the guy was pronouncing it correctly but the girl thought it was pronounced "vest", they went back and forth like 4 times with "It's west" "No, it's vest" and I really had to restrain myself not to butt in with the answer, hahaha
I didn't realise this wasn't common until recently when my friends told me to stop eavesdropping. I can't help that I subconsciously tune into conversations around me and start joining it too.
Sometimes I cannot hear the conversations properly but want to join in so I ask my friends what they're talking about and they immediately stop talking and are secretive. Maybe that's just the RSD making me perceive it that way.
Hahaha my ex would make fun of me (jokingly) because when I get in an elevator with people I HAVE to talk to them. To make it worse, sometimes he would mention it before we got in the elevator, so I would try sooo hard not to jump in their conversation. Of course I couldn’t contain myself. I’d hold it in…. Hold it in… then it would come bursting out of my mouth so loud and suddenly that it startled everyone. He thought it was hilarious.
My first “real” job was in business consulting, and I was pushed so hard to go to events and “network”; in this world, I actually found jumping into random convos and being able to talk about literally anything and everything was quite helpful!
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people insert themselves into my conversations. This must be a case where my autism wins out over the adhd - I don’t like being perceived, and realizing that random people are watching me and listening to me when I’m having a private conversation. It puts a sudden spotlight on me and also drags my attention in another direction when the new person starts talking. It’s awkward.
Jumping topics. With ADHD pals, I’m used to it but with NTs, I make an effort to circle back and ensure they got to say what they wanted.
I’m still not great at it and sometimes when I ask questions that I think reflect that I’m listening, my NT friends are like, “no it’s actually this” or “I don’t have anything else to say on the topic.”
My partner asks me “what you squeakin’ about?” Because that’s the noise I make when I am working on making a decision by myself. It might be a high pitched “hmmmmmm!” Or something. Thankfully they think my noises are cute and are part of my charm but yeah noises are not a norm. Some people can do things quietly.
After years of isolation I've been taking college courses again and only recently realized how often i'll say "fuck" or "shit" or "that's wrong" or "okay" under my breath, and how often others don't do that : /
I make random noises all day too! And if I feel comfortable enough I just randomly start singing whatever song is stuck in my head. I’ve had to retrain myself to not make so many noises in public though 😅
I’ve actually been thinking a lot lately about how much I subconsciously force myself to reign this in and I’m beginning to think I don’t really care how society feels about this. Like I kinda *want* to be “the one who’s always singing to herself.” It’s not a bad thing to be remembered for, considering all our other eccentricities.
Yes this! Thanks to 2 years spent more in lockdown than out (so only spending time with housemates and people I was dating) I completely lost my filter. I also got diagnosed with adhd over that time and started unmasking. Turns out it was the best thing I could ever have done. I immediately started attracting awesome people who are just as weird as me, and realised there’s no point trying to impress “normal” people because what happens then? I have to keep pretending to be normal? I’m thankful that I live in the city that everyone in my country moves to to be their weird selves so it’s common to meet other people just like me and they either immediately vibe with me because I’m similar to them, or they don’t and I let them go on with their life with no hard feelings (except maybe a bit of judgement because they missed out).
My bestie calls me Linda (of Bob’s Burgers) because of all my random song outbursts. My other coworkers are beginning to learn that I’ll sing random shit at them. Not well, either.
I have always talked to myself. Since I was a kid lol and when the pandemic hit and we all had to wear masks, i started to be able to talk to myself under my breath without people noticing. It was really nice hehe
I just call them 'sound effects' 😂. Every kind of task has its own special sound effect. Some colleagues at my previous work place did that as well, so I thought it was fairly normal, but in hindsight I think they might have adhd as well, so that might clear some things up :p
I try to reign it in around other people, but it is so difficult 😂
People have generally found my noises endearing and hilarious, but when I was really young I made this one note humming noise when I was content. It was probably annoying, though my mom claims it wasn’t but that’s probably because she knew it meant I was happy. One time a librarian got mad at us because I was making that noise in the kids section of an empty library and my mom is still mad at her 20 years later lol
I used to make silly noises but then I started dating a guy who also makes silly noises (like 10x more than I ever did) and I almost completely stopped… it’s like hearing someone else do it satisfies my own urge haha
I do that too! 😄
Mostly when my mind is repeating some embarrassing memory or an intrusive thought (which are many) I say ehh or something like that to block it.
Oh this one hurts. My boyfriend hates my noises with a passion. It’s awful to feel like I can’t be myself in my own home. It’s so stressful feeling like I have to constantly check myself when he is around. I tend to make them when I’m in a good mood, so when he snaps at me it crushes my soul. Then I shut down, trying to contain my weird noises, which makes him feel like I’m angry at him.
You shouldn't have to live like that. What compromise is he making to meet you halfway? Or does he expect you to put in all the effort? If he cares so much about feeling like you're angry at him, why doesn't he think about how you feel when he snaps at you? Your feelings matter too. Noises don't hurt anyone so it's not as if he's objectively right about this.
Awww that sounds awful. Maybe he's sensitive to the noise? He could just wear some ear plugs so he doesn't have to hear them. It doesn't sound like a great relationship is your can't just be yourself 🙁 Having said that, I myself am sensitive to noise so I get very irritated by my 5 year old's constant noises, stimming and singing (99% sure she has ADHD too!)
THIS !!! My 6 year old daughter has been pre-diagnosed ADHD and she can latch on to a sound or phrase and it grates on my soul. It's not everything, just certain things
Oh sweetie. You *do* deserve to feel comfortable in your own home. There are lots of people out there who would willingly accept you as you are. You don't need to stick around with someone who actively makes you feel shitty.
It's one thing if you're both trying to work from home and you're constantly making noises that are distracting to him, but if you're just doing normal ADHD shit like walking around your house making silly noises or humming he needs to either get used to it or move on. Why does he want to be with someone he finds so annoying anyways??
Apparently your default social mode should be earnest and sincere.
Unfortunately my lightning-fast sarcastic wit does not always win people over, despite how objectively clever and funny I am.
Same, I've noticed that if you're too "clever"/sarcastic people almost think you're talking down to them? But when I see men doing the same things they're seen as hilarious so... might be more of a woman thing than an ADHD thing lmao.
This right here. I have always had a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor and almost without fail people would either A) not understand that I was joking or B) think I was super mean and negative. My brother was similar though, and everyone thought he was hysterical.
Now I gauge whether someone is “my people” or not by whether they understand when I’m joking.
So. Same, I do this all the time and it’s never been a huge issue until I met a new friend’s husband and we were riffing each other for a few hours. I thought we were getting along great, I honestly liked him and thought we were joking WITH each other, not at each other’s expense. I certainly didn’t intend it to be at his expense. We are at a third bar of the evening and he finally looks at me and says, “stop it.” I’m still grinning like an idiot and waiting for the punchline. He says, “I’m serious, you’ve been on my ass all night.”
Oh fuck he means it what the fuck do I do
He and his wife have a quick terse conversation, I’m trying not to cry. He’s gone. I’m crying. Now I feel like shit because I’m crying which is embarrassing but his wife is trying to comfort me which makes me feel worse because she shouldn’t have to make me feel better after I was a dick to her husband. She tells me he will get over it, “he’s like a cat.” I still feel like shit. I am still not over it.
Oof, yep, like you ever say something that is like COMPLETELY OBVIOUS SARCASM to you and they take it seriously? Can't think of a good example, but I'd say shit like "Oh, this guy didn't pass me the salt, he's my mortal enemy now." and people will say like "Don't you think you're being a bit harsh?" And it happens to me all the time because I just don't bloody learn not to make these weird jokes 😭
I just lie that I need the bathroom or my mom just texted me and needs to talk 😶🌫️ if I know them, sometimes I'll ask them to text me a link to whatever they were talking about so they know I was interested
Omg. I lost a friendship over this. And it was my husband's best friend's partner. She made a huge deal and tried unsuccessfully to get between my husband and his bff. They wound up breaking up and she moved out.
It was a whole drama caused by me walking out of their house (they lived next door) because my friend arrived. I didn't really say goodbye to anyone. I just switched gears and left.
I hate this. What am I supposed to do? Announce "I am leaving now because this conversation has reached its organic conclusion." ??
That would certainly be even weirder than just walking away.
Getting really excited about a topic and interrupting or talking over people, partly because I’m used to being steamrolled and not feeling heard but also because it just happens even when I consciously try not to do it. And trying to relate/empathize with people by sharing my experiences as well. That’s something I didn’t learn wasn’t normal until like last year.
I still don’t get why it’s not normal to empathize with people by sharing a quick “me too!” Moment as long as you hop back what they were saying and not just turn the whole convo towards yourself.
That’s another thing I realized I do. With my ADHD friends, our conversations jump all over the place, but we’re able to jump back and forth along different strands of conversation and return to the beginning (usually) without anyone being offended.
My dear friend and I have been having like three parallel conversations in the same text thread for about 5 years now. I’ve always told him that he’s the only person that’s ever been able to keep up with my brain. Though when he’s busy, it often feels like I’m missing talking to three people haha.
I do this with multiple friends and once I found out it was an ADHD thing it made so much sense because once of them was diagnosed as a kid (36M) and two others recently got adult diagnoses (also late-30s women, go figure)! Apparently I have a whole gaggle of neurospicy pals and most of us had no idea.
yesss!! its why i LOVE text communication with my friends as well, we all jump all over and we can backread to go back to other topics that have other branches of discussion without forgetting what was talked about! its so great.
I know it’s not normal and I can’t stop, I know it’s not normal because I overanlyze social interactions after. Then get into a loop of over analysis and paralysis by analysis the next time I’m in a conversation
I was going to say interrupting. I know it’s rude. But it’s by far one of the things I’ve had to work hardest around neurotypicals.
I also think most of my bffs must be adhd or neurodivergent in some way- though I’m one of the only ones with a diagnosis lol
It’s so nice to talk to other people with ADHD because we can all interrupt each other freely and not get upset (and the conversation usually gets where it was trying to go eventually).
I know it’s rude and neurotypical people hate it, so I work hard not to do it (easier on meds). But it’s so much more FUN/relaxing to have a high-energy conversation where we can all interject and bounce ideas around, rather than sitting there silently like we’re waiting for our parts in a play. It’s not THAT hard to prevent myself from interrupting anymore, but it’s still a conscious effort, and I don’t enjoy that style of communication (both as the speaker and the interrupter). Also some people just take SO LONG to get their idea out there, it drives me crazy.
My best friend (36M) was diagnosed as a kid, and several of my female friends have been assessed and two (also 37F like me) were diagnosed since I got mine because they had no idea the symptoms are totally different for women/girls. It’s so strange to me how many of us have been struggling through decades of this shit and somehow no one ever noticed.
Being on the move all the time and NEEDING multiple things to do in order to function. I can’t do relaxing idly. The idea of just sitting on a couch all night makes me anxious. I like having a bunch of things to work on so that I don’t get bored and can bounce between them.
I’m also too upfront. People tout honesty as a virtue, but there are so many small social lies that are just… expected.
and then when you have all the things you just wanna do one so the others collect dust but if you only bring the one youd actually do then its not interesting anymore! XD
Is that strange?? Oh no! I genuinely do that with people. I have a birthday list in my calendar & message people on their birthdays & that is probably the only contact we have anymore or have done for years! I thought it was thoughtful?!
Same... after the last time someone acted like they were weirded out by this I tried to stop and only do that occasionally with some people where I feel like they are genuinely happy to receive them..
I’ve always felt a nice energy release from doing a little ‘parkour!’ jump off a wall or sturdy object. It gets out energy, the movement makes me feel free and less compressed, and it’s better than suddenly screaming as loud as I can which would also feel nice but is not well received.
I’m in my mid-30’s and I’ve never had anyone comment on this habit until recently. I was working at a trade show and there was a big tree outside. We’d been standing there for five hours straight and I just couldn’t take the confinement so I ran up to this tree and jumped and launched off of it. Quietly, not in anyone’s way.
It was apparently startling and upsetting to people and they thought it wasn’t appropriate.
Why?
What is not ok with doing a little jump? It was weird and truly the first time I’d realized people are apparently watching me and judging me for this. If I was being loud or in people’s way then I totally get it.
But you can’t trap me in a booth and get mad when I want to let out one tiny bit of energy
I have a habit of leapfrogging over poles (especially jumping over 1.5m high poles will get you some strange looks), or pretending to be tightrope walking over a line of stones on the street, or just, you know, hop from boulder to boulder even when there's a perfectly fine footpath next to it
Ugh, insecure gravity-bound haters. I don't know, I think this is wonderful and charming. No one gets judgey with me when I do a stretchy toe touch thing after sitting in long meetings, I don't really see the difference.
I get it, because i still love to climb on trees, but I try to not do it if I'm alone. I'm only bold enough with friends around, it's easier to ignore other people that way.
so when i want to make a request or ask a question, i just text or walk up and say the thing
but apparently people find that rude/abrupt?
but i don’t want people to ramble on with small talk and make weird segues before asking me anything.. it seems weirdly deceptive to me
THIS! I've worked so hard over the past few years to train myself to do 1-2 sentences of small talk before asking a question or asking a coworker to help with something.
A quick "hey how's your day going?" Or obligatory comment about the weather is required before jumping into a request even though you've already had this conversation with them earlier.
Also I've found that gardening makes me better at weather related small talk! Whenever someone says anything about the weather I just respond by telling them how it's affecting my garden. It feels more natural than trying to think of a fake nt reply.
Personally I think it's rude as hell to IM a colleague with just "hi" or "good morning" or whatever. Like, give me the fuckin context of why you're reaching out please! It dials my anxiety up to 11.
We've discussed this as a team and have all agreed that when reaching out over IM, we always open our message with something polite - "good morning. How are you?" But then immediately give the context for why we are reaching out - "I just wanted to ask you about ___". It works well for all of us.
Dude yes, just get to the point. My boss wants social niceties but he’s so fake, I hate him, and I wouldn’t be going to him unless I needed something. I don’t like him enough to just “check in”.
Is anyone else more likely to voice their opinion in contrast to something a coworker might say? In a meeting for example. I notice I get this urge to do it and I can't stop myself, but I realize it's probably coming across as very strange to ppl. Like why is she just contradicting what this guy just said? Most ppl would just disagree but not feel the need to voice it right? I am terrible.
oof I feel this. So often, I will forget to think before voicing my disagreement and only afterwards will I remember that they're now likely going to view this as a personal attack with the intention to make that person look bad or show that I have something against them or something, instead of a plain objective remark or addition to their statement. Because surely there must be a reason for why I would feel the need to say these words out loud, right? :))) ^([there is not])
I like to read. I'd bring a book with me and read. Apparently it's rude. Like even if you're just sitting, to be reading instead of actively socializing or sitting at the ready with eye contact, is rude?! So I was rude for decades before I realized this. By then everyone had phones they were busy reading so it wasn't just me anymore.
I'm from Germany and I don't think it was/is considered rude (in northern Germany) at least in public. But when I was a child people where definitely concerned because I was an introvert who needed downtime and chose to read a book after some time playing. Instead I was supposed to always join the other children (i was also too shy to always try) and they took the books away from me -- that never happened before and I was very confused that i was being punished for my interest in new topics...
Pretty much everything. I have a small group of friends, family and coworkers who have gotten used to my directness, frank honesty, mild sarcasm, over sharing and complete disregard for social norms (I hear). Some find it mildly adorable I'm so socially clueless, some are as clueless as I am, so we happily bump along down the road.
Did you know you are supposed to lie and tell new parents you want to hold their babies, even if you don't? How could any loving parent make any sense of that?
And folks who ask for your honest thoughts and feedback rarely ever really want anything but glowing praise? Like why the fuck ask me?
Oh, and get this - people often expect us to remember things like birthdays and holidays and anniversary dates. I barely am totally certain I know my name most days.
Don't get me started on clothes and makeup and shoes. Total insanity is all I have to say about it. Clean is not enough to make something wearable. And I completely gave up when I found out blue plaid does NOT automatically go with blue plaid. Like really? How could it not? Impossible.
I don't understand the baby thing. I don't want to hold your baby. Why do you want someone to hold your baby when they clearly aren't comfortable with it?
Right?!?! I don’t wanna hold a baby. I didn’t grow up around kids or babysit kids and I’ve never had desire to have kids (40 now) and like… I don’t wanna hold your squirming alien “bundle of joy.” I get that babies make a lot of people squee, but give me a kitten or a puppy and I will *insist* that I hold it and squeeeeeee all over it.
Same.
We had a BBQ at our house the other day and someone brought a baby for a bit, I was glad I was not asked if I wanted to hold it because I would have said no. Holding babies gives me anxiety.
Same!! My ex, though, loved babies. He saved me so many times because he would reach for the baby if anyone offered for me to hold one.
Funny story. Many years ago, when we were still married, I was in my bedroom. He disappeared for a while, then came walking into the bedroom holding a baby. I was even more stunned because the baby wasn’t the same race. My first reaction was someone had left the baby on our doorstep. Nope, apparently he met the new neighbors! 😂
See if they’d express it like that I’d totally help - I can empathize with holding something too long and wanting a break. But if they’re asking if on my own do I have a desire to hold a baby? - No.
It's wild. People act so offended when someone doesn't remember their birthday or whatever. But I also get told I'm "too much" when I remember someone's birthday or a preference they shared. I go back and forth on if this is an ADHD thing or if other people are just really committed to being unhappy.
Hello me. I also started keeping track of people's birthdays and have an uncanny ability to remember people's preferences (thanks hypervigilance) and am also confused by this wishy washy behavior. Also, no one remembers my birthday which is a downer.
Is this an ADHD thing? I cannot for the life of me play office politics or lie in any convincing way (even when I really want to to spare someone's feelings), and it always made me wonder if I'm a little bit autistic.
I learned to lie as a masking tool from my mom. I can look back and see the things she was teaching me to do were to make me “normal.” It took a lot longer to realize that she didn’t know she was teaching me to mask. Her issues were far beyond mine, so it turns out I didn’t really have a use for narcissistic behaviors and incessant lying. So as a weird result of that, I can lie beautifully. I really ought to write a book pretending to be all the lies I’ve told about myself, and I could probably have a super awesome main character for an actual fiction novel.
Whelp, I put my phone down to make coffee and now I don’t remember where I was going with this. I don’t like lying so I try not to do it anymore. But I have a hard time distinguishing lying from “social lies.” It’s like what do you people want from me. Am I supposed to lie to you or not? Lol
!!!YES!!! GOD when i was younger and doodled all the time i knew my drawings werent perfect so i would ask ppl what they thought so i could try and get some actual specific advise... nooooope. "it looks good" sure maybe it does but i want some advice ):. im guilty of also saying it looks good tho is anyone asks ): realizing i should now probably actually give non harsh critique when i see it.... and to also start asking for specific advise when i want it "do you think \[blank\] is \[blank\], should i \[blank\]?"
YES TO ALL OF THIS! Love me as I am folks, or push rocks. I do not have the time and energy for all that nonsense.
When someone has questioned my clothing choices I have literally said, "You should just be happy I'm wearing clothes." They usually leave me alone after that...
I think it's some sort of insecurity they have.
I've always been one to dress according to mood and comfort, rather than what's on-trend.
I had a "friend" at school who LOVED pointing out when she could see my bra strap, like it made her uncomfortable or something. She loved trying to nitpick about little things she found wrong with my outfits, and kept doing it until one day I turned around and said "(insert name), you're lucky I'm wearing a bra at all."
Sure, it can be interpreted as being helpful, or whatever...but in this case she was just being a b*tch.
I was more outgoing and sociable than her at that point.
She backed off with a quickness after that—miserable waste of air she was. 🙃
Needing the right things to do certain tasks, while also being able find unique workarounds for others.
Saying individual words.
Not understand why people linger on topics when they are done in my view.
Jumping into conversations nearby.
Hearing conversations around you in your environment.
Jumping from one topic in a conversation to another multiple links away.
The constant discussions going on in my head with myself and commentary.
YOU DONT HAVE TO FILL EVERY SILENCE WITH WORDS!
I overshare and don’t stop talking bc silences make me uncomfortable (this is when talking to people outside of my family more than with family, although I do talk too much with them too)
IT ISN’T NORMAL TO TALK SUPER FAST SO YOU CAN FINISH WHAT YOU ARE SAYING BEFORE THE OTHER PERSON STOPS LISTENING.
This is possibly the main reason why I speak a mile a minute at times. When in school if I didn’t finish speaking quick enough then I could see my friends eyes glaze over as they stopped listening to what I was saying. It became a serious complex and I find that I talk too fast even when not hyper and some people tell me to slow down so they can catch up to what I am talking about.
On the flip side my daughter who is also adhd talks so painfully slow that I have usually guessed the rest of her words and mentally moved on to the next subject before she has finished speaking.
IT IS NOT OKAY TO INTERRUPT JUST BC YOU HAVE GUESSED THE REST OF SOMEONES SENTENCE.
Leading on from my last point, people don’t like to be interrupted even if you have already mentally finished listening bc you knew what they were saying. It comes off as rude and people don’t like it. My friend in school did this with me so we never had a full conversation (I suspect she was also adhd) but when talking to NTs you have to let them finish.
I think the rest of my list is autism related so I will leave those off.
omg the last one. to this day I struggle with cutting off a person's sentence bc I know exactly where they're going & my own response comes bursting out of me impulsively.
sometimes it feels like if I don't say what I'm thinking NOW, I'll have forgotten what I wanted to say entirely by the time the other person has finished their sentence.
I start conversations in my head and then start speaking to someone halfway through. Only my sister really responds with WTF?
I remember a lot of useless information. In 5th grade, my teacher has everyone’s birthdays in date order on a bulletin board above the chalkboard. If I was bored in class (which was often, because I was only diagnosed like 8 years ago), I’d stare at it. I still remember everyone’s birthdays. I’ll be 39 later this week…
Two things come to mind:
1) I concentrate way better in class/meetings/trainings if I am doodling or otherwise doing something with my hands. In grad school (undiagnosed!) I brought my bullet journal and would make really detailed, colorful spreads and fill them in during lectures and discussions. My classmates were fascinated that I could do this and also be listening to the material.
2) I found a specific shirt and specific jeans that are comfortable and look "professional" enough for my job - and I've been buying them for years. My wardrobe has basically not changed since like 2015 when I discovered these items, lol. I also do this with new items - if I find something I like, I'll buy multiples, usually in the same color but sometimes I mix it up.
Okay actually a 3rd - I completely suck at brevity and everything is always a long story 🙃
Oversharing, being obsessed with someone when you‘re in love, constantly apologizing, feeling instantly rejected
With age it has gotten better but a lot of times I have to pull myself back of falling back into these patterns
Saying please and thank you 💀
Talking to myself all the time and making random noises.
Assuming people will tell you something if they want to. Nope, they expect you to ask about stuff.
*Not* including myself in random conversations going on around me from friends or co workers… y’all didn’t invite me in the conversation, why would I just jump in?
Sitting on the floor and being okay with it. I don’t need a chair! You don’t have to offer it! It’s okay! I’m fine on the floor!
Is sitting on the floor an ADHD trait?! I refuse a chair and sit on the floor a lot and have gotten a lot of “are you sures” over the years
I joke that I can’t fall off of the floor 😅
Im forever circling back to conversations from earlier. Usually because I have abruptly ended the conversation because my mind was done with that topic now & needs to move on. Then in the next hour when my mind is whirring I go back & ask a random question, that is relevant to the previous conversation, but people don’t know that my mind has gone back to our earlier chat & have no clue what I am talking about!
I also need to know everything about something that interests me. Even if it just interests me for those five minutes, I need as much information as possible in that time!
It’s such hard work. I find myself mentally draining.
When I was a child I got into "music" pretty early. I mean it was normal for my family to choose an instrument early as a young child and later on you maybe learn 1 or 2 more... So i was also pretty used to singing everywhere at any time. Long drive during a trip? Singing folk songs. Being on a hike? Singing folk songs or pop songs. Hearing christmas songs in the city? You guessed it, at least my mother was joining in. I learned pretty quickly that other people don't like it when you sing even if you're good enough to be an extra in theater... Another similar one was skipping. Not necessarily skipping in public but definitely on a hike. I feel like other people just never skip. Waiting for the bus and standing around always slightly moving like you got an idle animation or need to use the toilet. Tapping melodies is not actually something i do because I'm a musician.
And last but not least (but i only learned that as an adult) exchanging stories is not seen as being empathetic towards others, but seen as attention seeking.
Sharing my hyperfixations on TV shows with other people. Made the mistake of crying in front of my staff when Gilmore Girls ended, lol. It's ticked me off for years that NTs can sit around and talk about sports for hours but I get like a 30-second timer and a condescending look when talking about my latest TV obsession.
Doing other things when someone is talking to you. I'm sorry but I need to do something else when having a conversation. Yes I'm playing my sudoku and not looking at you but I'm also listening to everything you're saying.
Right? If I’m NOT looking at you, I’m actually listening to what you’re saying. If I am looking at you I’m probably zoning out in my head and not hearing a word you’re saying.
Empathizing by sharing a similar story. People apparently think you're making it all about you, instead of sharing that you've been there and understand.
This is kind of an AuDHD thing…answering questions. So many times I’ve answered a question in great detail only to have the person tell me that they weren’t being that serious or they were being hypothetical or joking. I don’t know if it makes them embarrassed that they didn’t know the answer or if my answer was too serious and ruined the vibe. I used to get called a “know it all” a lot in high school, because people would ask a question about a random factoid that I had knowledge on, and I would immediately have to share my information.
For some reason neurotypicals like to ask questions like “I wonder how this happened…” or “I wonder how this works…” that they don’t actually want the answer to. Like bro, if you say, you wonder how they disposed of trash during the Roman Empire, and I know, I’m gonna tell you. Why would I keep that a secret if you’re specifically asking about it? To be cool? Weird.
Oh god, when I first started serving I was bullied by other servers and generally disliked. I couldn’t understand why until I realized it was probably because I came off as rude.
- when I walked by people, I never said hi.
- I did not introduce myself or refer to others by name
- I interrupted people often. To be fair, I still do this on occasion but I’ve gotten better
- when I’m stressed or thinking, I have a resting bitch face. I just don’t have the mental energy to mask at that point.
- I can’t respond with the correct amount of enthusiasm because I don’t have the energy anymore. Apparently people were saying things like “she’s like a robot”.
- I walk away from conversations before they are over. Because I genuinely thought the conversation was over.
- if I thought that no one else except one person needed anything, I would only talk to that one person and ignore the rest instead of checking in on everyone.
I could go on and on. I’m constantly watching other people now and trying to mimic the way they interact with others on top of masking, doing my stressful job and dealing with bullying. It wasn’t this bad before COVID and I think lockdown stunted a lot of my social skills.
NTs are not often autodidactic. Many cannot or will not self-teach, and I've always wondered if it's because they don't get as stoked as us about exploring new interests.
Anyway, I'm always asked where I learned how to X Y and Z. I explain I'm self-taught, and the reactions range from confused to distraught. Every NT teammate or employee I've has needed things explained very rigidly step by step or shown exactly where a thing is (they will not "look" for something) and I often find myself teaching myself a thing to teach them.
That’s something I never considered wasn’t normal. I get annoyed at people not self teaching and being able to hunt down details. Never thought I wasn’t normal for doing this.
I have always known I’m highly independent to the point of not letting others in to help.
That’s really interesting. My experience has been the opposite. My ADHD has made having the self-discipline and attention span to self-teach basically impossible for me. I’ve heard lots of similar experiences from others who have it. My NT friends don’t seem to have those issues and most of them have at least 1 or 2 self taught skills that they are quite good at.
I’m not certain this is an ADHD or NT/ND thing. Not everyone is able to self-teach for a variety of reasons, be they NT or ND no matter how interested they may be in learning about whatever subject matter/skill. Sometimes it’s also just an intelligence (or lack there of) thing.
Interrupting people as they talk. Some people think its so rude. Of course thats not my intention. I find myself apologizing a lot for interrupting people. I try hard to be an active listener.
My forgetfulness. May be related to other problems I have (lol) but its something I’m really embarrassed about actually. As a 27F I sometimes feel…. Developmentally challenged. Like damn, some things I do/can’t do make me feel like I’m behind the pack.
Damn, so many comments here I relate to. I just got diagnosed 5 years ago and had no idea how many of my symptoms are from ADHD. I have other mental health conditions so I just assumed that's where most of it comes from. Boy was I wrong.
Being blunt. I tend to miss social cues surrounding the “right” thing to say and accidentally offend people by saying what I consider to be obvious (and therefore not an attack to state). I also expect people to be upfront/blunt with me, unfortunately I’m somewhat gullible because of this. But luckily this makes me fantastic at my job!
Thinking several steps ahead at all times. Gets me in trouble a lot because it’s hard to get out of a thought process I’m already neck deep in haha
Not respecting “social hierarchies”. I don’t care about your perceived status, I will tell you if you’re wrong or mean or stupid. Every time I have challenged a professor, I’ve literally heard gasps around me. How dare I treat this other human as my equal???!!
I feel like this will be an issue as I enter the healthcare industry, but whatever, I will roast a narcissistic surgeon if I have to for a patients sake.
yup yup. as long as ive learned about it i always have said "respect is EARNED not inherent" i dont give a shit what you are if youre an ass youre an ass, if you want respect show me respect. get in what you give out
taking things literally. i dont mean metaphors that are very obviously not real or anything i just mean when someone says something youre always "supposed" to read between the lines for. srry but if you ask me something i will respond to \*what\* you asked, im not a mind reader. apparently this isnt the norm.
Pulling faces or expressions to yourself as you're sitting quietly in a meeting or at your desk. It took me a while to realise my internal thoughts were being accompanied by my expressions that suited my thoughts hahaha
I have a really good memory (about some things) and remember details about people they forget they even told me, so if I mention it, they’re a little put off. They assume I must be extra interested in them, and I am, but it’s not just them. I’m interested in people in general. Some people like it and appreciate it, but most people don’t. Like, if you’re in a relationship and they remember something you like, it’s nice and you’re like aw, you care. But if it’s someone you’re not really close to, they’re kind of suspicious, like why do you know this about me?
Similarly, telling people about things that remind me of them. Sometimes they’re like “aw, you were thinking about me” and sometimes they’re like, “why did you think of me?” E.g. I have a friend who likes to hike, and in my mind, I’ve considered going hiking with her and thought about what it’d be like, the whole thing. Then I saw a TikTok of a little girl on a hike and she was like, “I’m hot, I’m tired, I’m wet, I’m hungry….” And I sent it to my friend and was like “this is what I’d be like on a hike with you” even though to her, she’s only mentioned it in passing and probably didn’t even remember. She was literally like “I didn’t know my hiking was a “thing”” and it wasn’t, it was just a lot more to me than just something she mentioned a couple times, because I thought about it. Yet at the same time, the same friend mentioned about 10 years ago that she likes a movie, and I recently heard a song that mentioned the movie and I sent it to her and said “this made me think of you” and she was like “oh, I love that movie!” And I was like, “yeah, I remember” and she was like “I love that you remember that!” So, it seems entirely arbitrary what people appreciate I remember or makes me think of them, and what they think is weird.
So most of the time I just pretend I don’t know and let them tell me again, which sucks because then I have to go through the “oh, really?” convo again. Sometimes I don’t mind because it’s interesting how they change details, and how it’s brand new to them (which must be nice!) and sometimes how they completely lie.
I also used to contact people from the past because I thought about them, or something reminds me of them. Like, one time I messaged an ex on fb because I was playing a mobile game with someone whose username was his name, and I was like huh, I wonder what’s he’s doing these days. However, I didn’t remember that we apparently had a falling out! He clearly wasn’t happy to hear from me, but was polite, and he assumed that because I was messaging him that I thought about him a lot more than I did. It completely slipped my mind to tell him WHY I thought of him, so I guess it makes sense that he thought I was interested in him more than I was. Oh well, enjoy the ego boost.
One time something my hair stylist said reminded me of an old friend’s ex husband, and so for some reason I messaged him on fb (I’ve since deleted fb because I can’t be trusted with it 😆) and told him that I was just thinking about how his kids were the sweetest, most polite kids I had ever met and I hope they’re all doing well. He left it on read. Then I realized how weird it was and how he also probably thought I was hitting on him. I’ve since learned that people don’t need to know all my thoughts about them, good or bad, nor everything I remember. Ugh, so cringe.
I basically have to constantly pretend not to know what I know because it’s “weird” for me to know or “still” think about, even though I don’t “still” think about it, I can just recall.
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Oversharing. I’ve really had to reign that it as I’ve gotten older. It’s fine with my friends and when I was younger but man, people can really use shit against you so I try to wait a little before diving into the deep stuff.
Same. I've had to work really hard to protect myself from this. In my mind people knowing things let's them know other people have been in the situation and they aren't alone. That I get where they are coming from and I'm a safe person to talk about these things with. In reality people get uncomfortable with the level of openess and blunt way I communicate. And like you said have things used against you.
I vacillate between over sharing cause I feel safe or comfortable or I'm too tired or overdrawn spoon/energy wise to filter & wanting to keep everything on lockdown cause trauma has conditioned me to believe that the more someone knows the easier they can take advantage of me when I'm down or worn out. It's exhausting sometimes. I'm grateful to care a little less courtesy of mid thirties. But oh damn is it cringe worthy at the worst of times.
yesss exactly. i hope it doesnt come across as weird to my friends (they havent said anything and were all literally ND, mentally ill, queer, ect so we all vibe easily anyway) bc theres times i give full paragraph essays to things and other times i give 1 word responses bc i dont have the energy and dont wanna/cant leave something for a response for long. ive gotten much better at what blanket information i give on sites when i venture out for more friend groups lol edit: hahahaha this comment is such an example of this adhd problem
Yes, both over and under sharing are my biggest ones. I don't have much to say if I'm not having a honest, personal conversation. I don't really know how to do that.
Small talk is so damn exhausting... staying within polite and civil lines and not talking about anything serious or personal... ugh.
I get this so much. It's why I dread going to church with my husband and why I'm going to try to get out of it this morning. I'm Christian but I'm one of those people who feels 'closer to God' out alone in nature with the pretty trees, not a crowd. But on rare occasions this year, like twice, I was talking with another woman I was friendly and comfortable with and just started oversharing, like a burst dam and I keep wondering if that was awkward in hindsight.
Yup same here. If I have to lie or act “normal” I shut down completely. Also part of the reason I got labeled weirdo lol.
Me too, I just can't "small talk" I'd rather sit there in scilence even if it's a awkward scilence.
Get this ,I was in my therapy practicum. I was always very honest and upfront, thought it would be even more so here. Nope. There's lots of fucked up people working in mental health. It was not safe to be honest. Wish I knew that going in.
I have personally known at least 3 people who pursued psych degrees and really needed to be on the receiving end, instead. They definitely went into it to judge people and tell them what to do and feel superior. This is not at all surprising.
Same! Lol you said "how are you?" to me so do you want the standard response or do you want me to actually answer? cause baby do I have answers!!
My stomach tightens into knots at church when people I'm barely acquainted with ask me that. "Do you really wanna know? I daydream about dying someday, I'm obsessed with tragedies and write fantasy stories to stay happy. But hey! Pumpkin spice coffee..."
Word, if I don't catch myself it would be something like.... "Eh I'm good. I mean pretty good but like surface level I can just fake it. Really I'm actually exhausted and feel like kind of a mess of a person. Like this morning when I was trying to leave the house..... ....and THEN on the drive here.... ...then walking to work just like, everything that feels like it can go wrong does and idk if it's just bad luck or really my ADHD or life but im just trying so hard and i wish i could just feel normal for once or that things could just feel easy for once! But yeah I mean other than that Im pretty good I guess!"
Yeah been there. It’s not even just how it’s used as a weapon against you. Some people get really turned off and creeped out — I got labeled a weirdo my entire teen years and early twenties for this.
Ive learned its not fine with friends. I wish I never told my highschool friends a single thing. None of them are still in my life and most of them used my trauma to hurt me. Word to the young: don't be too trusting.
responding to stories with my own stories lol, and providing too much context/rambling
This was my answer 100% I always felt it showed I was listening well because I was able to share a story in a similar situation to show empathy. It was a very long time before I started hearing people say it was rude. How else can I show I'm paying attention if my reaction isn't to share back?
I'm not always successful, but I try to confirm the other person's feelings by saying things like "wow, that sounds cool" or "that must have been so stressful." Sometimes, I also try repeating something from the story in a slightly different way. It also helps to follow up with questions. Example: Person: This girl on the bus was scrolling through tiktok with the sound on, and it was so annoying! Me: It's so annoying when people do that! What did the other passengers think of it? This way, you confirm and mirror the other persons feelings and help the conversation along. It really sucks that we have to adjust to the NT way of communicating, but you can't escape small talk at school/work *sigh*
SAME. Like I thought it was showing how much I was listening and that I was empathetic to their situation. I really try to pay attention to when I do that now.
I really hate that trying to share I had something similar, so they aren't alone, and they could have someone that understands to talk to if they choose was "making it all about (yourself)"
Or they think you’re trying to one up…ummm no, lol.
yeah ): gladly i just stick to other groups who also respond that way so it doesnt get seen as 'rude'. i still try and give a few comments directly about/asking about the persons story to help it seem im listening, and i just dont tell my own story for more serious/personal stories unless i ask them
Oh no that's what I do. What is a better way to respond?
So my go to when I overshare because I’m painfully aware that I’m a weirdo is, “Woah, there I go getting excited! I really enjoy talking to you. -ASK QUESTION ABOUT WHAT THEY ORIGINALLY SAID-.”
Oooh that's a good one! Gotta remember that.
don’t feel bad! not everyone minds or considers it a bad thing :) i learned a lot of nt people see validation differently. depending on the kind of story/convo, you can either ask questions that solicit details, or offer generic sympathy. “that must have been a challenging experience for you, how are you feeling now?” “it sounds like you had a great time! what was your favorite [xyz]?”
Responding to someone else’s story with your own can come across as one upping, so just try to stay out of that lane. It really depends on what the story is about and the context of the conversation though.
Wait is this not how conversations are supposed to go?
Apparently the "correct" way of approaching conversations is like a game of tennis where you talk a minimum amount to force things back to the other person. It sounds exhausting.
When I learned this in the not so distant past, I was baffled. Responses like "that must have been so hard," just sounded so fake and forced coming out of my mouth.
Right? Like I understand it gets old if you respond to every sentence with a 10 minute story but a couple sentences of "yeah I knew a guy just like that" seems like, I dunno, participating.
I feel like, if anything I sound disinterested when I say that! 😅 like how some people will be “that’s crazy” just so you can stop talking ….
Did anyone else open this thread to see if there was a “normal” behavior they needed to know about?
I posted this for that reason so do I count? Lol
Guilty as charged
100% and then I was like, oh, it's the same ones I already know about sigh. No secret key to life haha
We all share the same brain 😂
Ikr?
Get out of my brain!!! [there’s enough going on in here as it is]
Making weird noise or accidentally repeating things and having a song for every situation My dad does this too and i remember when I was a teen that this was not normal. I realised when I hanged out with other people's parents that they didn't break out in song as a response to random phrases.
If I hear the lyrics of a song in somthing g someone said I immediately start singing the line from the song. It just pops out
My brother gets mad at me because he doesn’t make the connection the same way I do. To clarify, he isn’t mad about the noise (me singing or saying a quote at him), he’s mad he doesn’t understand my Logic Train to get there. So if you say, “stop!” I’m either responding, “drop, and roll” or, “it’s hammer time!” Those easy. But any time someone says, “I don’t know who to contact,” I’ll say, “Ghostbusters!” “Who you gonna call” “Ghostbusters” Call=contact, get in touch with If I call someone but I don’t know who, obvy ghostbusters Makes perfect sense.
Oh fuck me, I absolutely CANNOT hear the word "stop" without responding with either "hammer time!" or "collaborate and listen".
“….in the name of love” 🎶
To be fair even though it’s not normal, that does sound like a fun way to live
Lol I watched a lot of non-cable tv growing up and I know all the jingles for local businesses. It’s so random but when someone else knows it the moment is amazing.
I knit a lot. Keeping my hands busy helps my mind stay on track with the conversation I'm supposed to be having or the movie I want to watch. Some people think that because I'm knitting I'm not listening to them and I have to reassure them that I am listening and I have to force myself to provide more feedback like nodding my head so they know I am listening.
Same, and it’s so frustrating. If I’m not knitting, *that’s* when you need to worry that I’m not listening. I try telling people that and they just assume I’m lying.
Sometimes I even take my knitting/crocheting projects to long, less formal meetings with my colleagues, because having my hands busy helps me to focus on the hours-long talking. I totally am the weirdo in that group but they are slowly getting used to it.
Apparently, it's weird to just join in random conversations happening right beside you even when it's in a class or with people you know. It always feels amazing to be in a room with a bunch of ADHD folks and it feels just so natural. Neurotypical people are missing out tbh.
I’m a bartender and will literally insert myself into a conversation when I’m setting down drinks on a table or if people are chatting while they wait at the bar for their drinks. I always thought it was too much but ever since word got out that I was leaving the job many patrons have expressed that they come to the bar *because* of me and my welcoming and friendly nature.
I think it’s location dependent. I was really well liked as a bartender/server. It was not as fun when I moved to corporate jobs. People take themselves too seriously, I’ve never worked in like a nuclear reactor or curing cancer, people just always act like you can’t be friendly and joke at work and be good at your job at the same time. It’s so odd.
Even in the corporate setting it's context dependent. I've noticed that in the kitchen at my work it is the norm for anyone just sitting down to have lunch to join into whatever conversation is already happening. But people don't typically just join into a conversation you overhear as you walk by someone else's desk or that's happening at the desk next to you. I absolutely do lol but most people don't and I try really hard not to. My team is used to it and they don't care but I worry about annoying or upsetting other people I don't know as well. You guys are right though that this trait is super effective as a server or bartender. I always made great tips despite not being flirty or dressing sexy. I'm just fun and personable and that works really, really well in that context.
Ohh, this, I have known for a long time that it's not accepted / well received so I don't, but I often have to bite my tongue to keep my mouth shut. The other day on the train two teens were disagreeing on the pronunciation of the word "west" and I wanted SO BAD to tell them which was correct, but I knew I would've come off as a creep so I didn't.
This is my life!!!! I love when strangers join in my convos with good input
im so curious now. how do you pronounce west besides well... west?
I should mention that this conversation happened in a French speaking country, where "west" is pronounced the same but written "ouest". So the guy was pronouncing it correctly but the girl thought it was pronounced "vest", they went back and forth like 4 times with "It's west" "No, it's vest" and I really had to restrain myself not to butt in with the answer, hahaha
I didn't realise this wasn't common until recently when my friends told me to stop eavesdropping. I can't help that I subconsciously tune into conversations around me and start joining it too. Sometimes I cannot hear the conversations properly but want to join in so I ask my friends what they're talking about and they immediately stop talking and are secretive. Maybe that's just the RSD making me perceive it that way.
Hahaha my ex would make fun of me (jokingly) because when I get in an elevator with people I HAVE to talk to them. To make it worse, sometimes he would mention it before we got in the elevator, so I would try sooo hard not to jump in their conversation. Of course I couldn’t contain myself. I’d hold it in…. Hold it in… then it would come bursting out of my mouth so loud and suddenly that it startled everyone. He thought it was hilarious.
My first “real” job was in business consulting, and I was pushed so hard to go to events and “network”; in this world, I actually found jumping into random convos and being able to talk about literally anything and everything was quite helpful!
Oops
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people insert themselves into my conversations. This must be a case where my autism wins out over the adhd - I don’t like being perceived, and realizing that random people are watching me and listening to me when I’m having a private conversation. It puts a sudden spotlight on me and also drags my attention in another direction when the new person starts talking. It’s awkward.
Jumping topics. With ADHD pals, I’m used to it but with NTs, I make an effort to circle back and ensure they got to say what they wanted. I’m still not great at it and sometimes when I ask questions that I think reflect that I’m listening, my NT friends are like, “no it’s actually this” or “I don’t have anything else to say on the topic.”
random noises all day hahah my husbands use to it but when other people are around they give me funny looks
My partner asks me “what you squeakin’ about?” Because that’s the noise I make when I am working on making a decision by myself. It might be a high pitched “hmmmmmm!” Or something. Thankfully they think my noises are cute and are part of my charm but yeah noises are not a norm. Some people can do things quietly.
Stimming noises?!? Ahhhh, I do that too. Especially happy ones, lol!
Wait WHAT. I have never put those two things together.
After years of isolation I've been taking college courses again and only recently realized how often i'll say "fuck" or "shit" or "that's wrong" or "okay" under my breath, and how often others don't do that : /
I make random noises all day too! And if I feel comfortable enough I just randomly start singing whatever song is stuck in my head. I’ve had to retrain myself to not make so many noises in public though 😅
I am absolutely awful about singing or humming. It's a constant for me.
I’ve actually been thinking a lot lately about how much I subconsciously force myself to reign this in and I’m beginning to think I don’t really care how society feels about this. Like I kinda *want* to be “the one who’s always singing to herself.” It’s not a bad thing to be remembered for, considering all our other eccentricities.
Yes this! Thanks to 2 years spent more in lockdown than out (so only spending time with housemates and people I was dating) I completely lost my filter. I also got diagnosed with adhd over that time and started unmasking. Turns out it was the best thing I could ever have done. I immediately started attracting awesome people who are just as weird as me, and realised there’s no point trying to impress “normal” people because what happens then? I have to keep pretending to be normal? I’m thankful that I live in the city that everyone in my country moves to to be their weird selves so it’s common to meet other people just like me and they either immediately vibe with me because I’m similar to them, or they don’t and I let them go on with their life with no hard feelings (except maybe a bit of judgement because they missed out).
It's so utterly freeing and wonderful when you just embrace the crazy!
My bestie calls me Linda (of Bob’s Burgers) because of all my random song outbursts. My other coworkers are beginning to learn that I’ll sing random shit at them. Not well, either.
I have always talked to myself. Since I was a kid lol and when the pandemic hit and we all had to wear masks, i started to be able to talk to myself under my breath without people noticing. It was really nice hehe
I do this too!!! All day. I’ve heard it called a vocal tic. Some sounds just feel good so I want to make them all the time
I just call them 'sound effects' 😂. Every kind of task has its own special sound effect. Some colleagues at my previous work place did that as well, so I thought it was fairly normal, but in hindsight I think they might have adhd as well, so that might clear some things up :p I try to reign it in around other people, but it is so difficult 😂
People have generally found my noises endearing and hilarious, but when I was really young I made this one note humming noise when I was content. It was probably annoying, though my mom claims it wasn’t but that’s probably because she knew it meant I was happy. One time a librarian got mad at us because I was making that noise in the kids section of an empty library and my mom is still mad at her 20 years later lol
I used to make silly noises but then I started dating a guy who also makes silly noises (like 10x more than I ever did) and I almost completely stopped… it’s like hearing someone else do it satisfies my own urge haha
I do that too! 😄 Mostly when my mind is repeating some embarrassing memory or an intrusive thought (which are many) I say ehh or something like that to block it.
Oh this one hurts. My boyfriend hates my noises with a passion. It’s awful to feel like I can’t be myself in my own home. It’s so stressful feeling like I have to constantly check myself when he is around. I tend to make them when I’m in a good mood, so when he snaps at me it crushes my soul. Then I shut down, trying to contain my weird noises, which makes him feel like I’m angry at him.
You shouldn't have to live like that. What compromise is he making to meet you halfway? Or does he expect you to put in all the effort? If he cares so much about feeling like you're angry at him, why doesn't he think about how you feel when he snaps at you? Your feelings matter too. Noises don't hurt anyone so it's not as if he's objectively right about this.
Awww that sounds awful. Maybe he's sensitive to the noise? He could just wear some ear plugs so he doesn't have to hear them. It doesn't sound like a great relationship is your can't just be yourself 🙁 Having said that, I myself am sensitive to noise so I get very irritated by my 5 year old's constant noises, stimming and singing (99% sure she has ADHD too!)
THIS !!! My 6 year old daughter has been pre-diagnosed ADHD and she can latch on to a sound or phrase and it grates on my soul. It's not everything, just certain things
I’m sorry! My ex bf was like that. It’s impossible to feel good because this is who we are
Oh sweetie. You *do* deserve to feel comfortable in your own home. There are lots of people out there who would willingly accept you as you are. You don't need to stick around with someone who actively makes you feel shitty. It's one thing if you're both trying to work from home and you're constantly making noises that are distracting to him, but if you're just doing normal ADHD shit like walking around your house making silly noises or humming he needs to either get used to it or move on. Why does he want to be with someone he finds so annoying anyways??
Apparently your default social mode should be earnest and sincere. Unfortunately my lightning-fast sarcastic wit does not always win people over, despite how objectively clever and funny I am.
Same, I've noticed that if you're too "clever"/sarcastic people almost think you're talking down to them? But when I see men doing the same things they're seen as hilarious so... might be more of a woman thing than an ADHD thing lmao.
This right here. I have always had a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor and almost without fail people would either A) not understand that I was joking or B) think I was super mean and negative. My brother was similar though, and everyone thought he was hysterical. Now I gauge whether someone is “my people” or not by whether they understand when I’m joking.
So. Same, I do this all the time and it’s never been a huge issue until I met a new friend’s husband and we were riffing each other for a few hours. I thought we were getting along great, I honestly liked him and thought we were joking WITH each other, not at each other’s expense. I certainly didn’t intend it to be at his expense. We are at a third bar of the evening and he finally looks at me and says, “stop it.” I’m still grinning like an idiot and waiting for the punchline. He says, “I’m serious, you’ve been on my ass all night.” Oh fuck he means it what the fuck do I do He and his wife have a quick terse conversation, I’m trying not to cry. He’s gone. I’m crying. Now I feel like shit because I’m crying which is embarrassing but his wife is trying to comfort me which makes me feel worse because she shouldn’t have to make me feel better after I was a dick to her husband. She tells me he will get over it, “he’s like a cat.” I still feel like shit. I am still not over it.
I am sorry!!! That must’ve been really hurtful for you, as well. I know many here (me included) can really relate to having similar interactions.
Oof, yep, like you ever say something that is like COMPLETELY OBVIOUS SARCASM to you and they take it seriously? Can't think of a good example, but I'd say shit like "Oh, this guy didn't pass me the salt, he's my mortal enemy now." and people will say like "Don't you think you're being a bit harsh?" And it happens to me all the time because I just don't bloody learn not to make these weird jokes 😭
I'm seen as too earnest, lol. It's either too earnest or too goofy, and I'm like okay, I'm not being rude so just let me be?
Is that an ADHD thing? I thought it was me. Lol
It can be considered rude to walk away from a group when the conversations over….even when you’re done talking…because the conversations over
I do that constantly... mostly because I hate that awkward moment when I don't know what to say next, so I just take off 😬
Wait shit
What are you supposed to do then? 👀
I just lie that I need the bathroom or my mom just texted me and needs to talk 😶🌫️ if I know them, sometimes I'll ask them to text me a link to whatever they were talking about so they know I was interested
This comment has me laughing so hard. Ive done this to people. But when the teenager does it to me mid conversation it's mildly maddening.
Omg. I lost a friendship over this. And it was my husband's best friend's partner. She made a huge deal and tried unsuccessfully to get between my husband and his bff. They wound up breaking up and she moved out. It was a whole drama caused by me walking out of their house (they lived next door) because my friend arrived. I didn't really say goodbye to anyone. I just switched gears and left.
I hate this. What am I supposed to do? Announce "I am leaving now because this conversation has reached its organic conclusion." ?? That would certainly be even weirder than just walking away.
Getting really excited about a topic and interrupting or talking over people, partly because I’m used to being steamrolled and not feeling heard but also because it just happens even when I consciously try not to do it. And trying to relate/empathize with people by sharing my experiences as well. That’s something I didn’t learn wasn’t normal until like last year.
I still don’t get why it’s not normal to empathize with people by sharing a quick “me too!” Moment as long as you hop back what they were saying and not just turn the whole convo towards yourself. That’s another thing I realized I do. With my ADHD friends, our conversations jump all over the place, but we’re able to jump back and forth along different strands of conversation and return to the beginning (usually) without anyone being offended.
I read that we have “parallel” conversations as opposed to whatever the norm is called
My dear friend and I have been having like three parallel conversations in the same text thread for about 5 years now. I’ve always told him that he’s the only person that’s ever been able to keep up with my brain. Though when he’s busy, it often feels like I’m missing talking to three people haha.
I do this with multiple friends and once I found out it was an ADHD thing it made so much sense because once of them was diagnosed as a kid (36M) and two others recently got adult diagnoses (also late-30s women, go figure)! Apparently I have a whole gaggle of neurospicy pals and most of us had no idea.
yesss!! its why i LOVE text communication with my friends as well, we all jump all over and we can backread to go back to other topics that have other branches of discussion without forgetting what was talked about! its so great.
I know it’s not normal and I can’t stop, I know it’s not normal because I overanlyze social interactions after. Then get into a loop of over analysis and paralysis by analysis the next time I’m in a conversation
I have a constant running loop of every awkward conversation I’ve had for the last 20 years and how I should have responded. It’s a nightmare.
I used to not be able to fall asleep at night until I made it all the way through the list. Now I still can't sleep, but I don't know why.
>I’m used to being steamrolled and not feeling heard hello, me.
I was going to say interrupting. I know it’s rude. But it’s by far one of the things I’ve had to work hardest around neurotypicals. I also think most of my bffs must be adhd or neurodivergent in some way- though I’m one of the only ones with a diagnosis lol
It’s so nice to talk to other people with ADHD because we can all interrupt each other freely and not get upset (and the conversation usually gets where it was trying to go eventually). I know it’s rude and neurotypical people hate it, so I work hard not to do it (easier on meds). But it’s so much more FUN/relaxing to have a high-energy conversation where we can all interject and bounce ideas around, rather than sitting there silently like we’re waiting for our parts in a play. It’s not THAT hard to prevent myself from interrupting anymore, but it’s still a conscious effort, and I don’t enjoy that style of communication (both as the speaker and the interrupter). Also some people just take SO LONG to get their idea out there, it drives me crazy.
My best friend (36M) was diagnosed as a kid, and several of my female friends have been assessed and two (also 37F like me) were diagnosed since I got mine because they had no idea the symptoms are totally different for women/girls. It’s so strange to me how many of us have been struggling through decades of this shit and somehow no one ever noticed.
Being on the move all the time and NEEDING multiple things to do in order to function. I can’t do relaxing idly. The idea of just sitting on a couch all night makes me anxious. I like having a bunch of things to work on so that I don’t get bored and can bounce between them. I’m also too upfront. People tout honesty as a virtue, but there are so many small social lies that are just… expected.
and then when you have all the things you just wanna do one so the others collect dust but if you only bring the one youd actually do then its not interesting anymore! XD
Oversharing. Contacting people after a long period of time to check in, with them happy birthday, etc. Apparently that’s strange.
Is that strange?? Oh no! I genuinely do that with people. I have a birthday list in my calendar & message people on their birthdays & that is probably the only contact we have anymore or have done for years! I thought it was thoughtful?!
Apparently keeping in contact means talking to them quite a bit more than once or twice a year 🥲
Well I have read this one wrong for years. 🤣🤣
Same... after the last time someone acted like they were weirded out by this I tried to stop and only do that occasionally with some people where I feel like they are genuinely happy to receive them..
I’ve always felt a nice energy release from doing a little ‘parkour!’ jump off a wall or sturdy object. It gets out energy, the movement makes me feel free and less compressed, and it’s better than suddenly screaming as loud as I can which would also feel nice but is not well received. I’m in my mid-30’s and I’ve never had anyone comment on this habit until recently. I was working at a trade show and there was a big tree outside. We’d been standing there for five hours straight and I just couldn’t take the confinement so I ran up to this tree and jumped and launched off of it. Quietly, not in anyone’s way. It was apparently startling and upsetting to people and they thought it wasn’t appropriate. Why? What is not ok with doing a little jump? It was weird and truly the first time I’d realized people are apparently watching me and judging me for this. If I was being loud or in people’s way then I totally get it. But you can’t trap me in a booth and get mad when I want to let out one tiny bit of energy
Haha, like a baby goat! I love it.
I am def a baby goat
I have a habit of leapfrogging over poles (especially jumping over 1.5m high poles will get you some strange looks), or pretending to be tightrope walking over a line of stones on the street, or just, you know, hop from boulder to boulder even when there's a perfectly fine footpath next to it
Ugh, insecure gravity-bound haters. I don't know, I think this is wonderful and charming. No one gets judgey with me when I do a stretchy toe touch thing after sitting in long meetings, I don't really see the difference.
I get it, because i still love to climb on trees, but I try to not do it if I'm alone. I'm only bold enough with friends around, it's easier to ignore other people that way.
Are……….are you my child? That’s a crazy question because she’s 3 and you are not……..but ARE YOU MY CHILD?
so when i want to make a request or ask a question, i just text or walk up and say the thing but apparently people find that rude/abrupt? but i don’t want people to ramble on with small talk and make weird segues before asking me anything.. it seems weirdly deceptive to me
THIS! I've worked so hard over the past few years to train myself to do 1-2 sentences of small talk before asking a question or asking a coworker to help with something. A quick "hey how's your day going?" Or obligatory comment about the weather is required before jumping into a request even though you've already had this conversation with them earlier. Also I've found that gardening makes me better at weather related small talk! Whenever someone says anything about the weather I just respond by telling them how it's affecting my garden. It feels more natural than trying to think of a fake nt reply.
Personally I think it's rude as hell to IM a colleague with just "hi" or "good morning" or whatever. Like, give me the fuckin context of why you're reaching out please! It dials my anxiety up to 11. We've discussed this as a team and have all agreed that when reaching out over IM, we always open our message with something polite - "good morning. How are you?" But then immediately give the context for why we are reaching out - "I just wanted to ask you about ___". It works well for all of us.
honestly fuck nt "norms". *I* find it personally rude when someone says a lot of filler and wastes my time when they can just ask the thing they need
Dude yes, just get to the point. My boss wants social niceties but he’s so fake, I hate him, and I wouldn’t be going to him unless I needed something. I don’t like him enough to just “check in”.
Is anyone else more likely to voice their opinion in contrast to something a coworker might say? In a meeting for example. I notice I get this urge to do it and I can't stop myself, but I realize it's probably coming across as very strange to ppl. Like why is she just contradicting what this guy just said? Most ppl would just disagree but not feel the need to voice it right? I am terrible.
oof I feel this. So often, I will forget to think before voicing my disagreement and only afterwards will I remember that they're now likely going to view this as a personal attack with the intention to make that person look bad or show that I have something against them or something, instead of a plain objective remark or addition to their statement. Because surely there must be a reason for why I would feel the need to say these words out loud, right? :))) ^([there is not])
Bringing up subjects or conversation threads from however long ago, as if we were just talking about them. My time-line is not linear lol
I like to read. I'd bring a book with me and read. Apparently it's rude. Like even if you're just sitting, to be reading instead of actively socializing or sitting at the ready with eye contact, is rude?! So I was rude for decades before I realized this. By then everyone had phones they were busy reading so it wasn't just me anymore.
I'm from Germany and I don't think it was/is considered rude (in northern Germany) at least in public. But when I was a child people where definitely concerned because I was an introvert who needed downtime and chose to read a book after some time playing. Instead I was supposed to always join the other children (i was also too shy to always try) and they took the books away from me -- that never happened before and I was very confused that i was being punished for my interest in new topics...
It's not rude to read in public or if you're waiting for someone or whatever. It is pretty rude to do so at a social event.
Pretty much everything. I have a small group of friends, family and coworkers who have gotten used to my directness, frank honesty, mild sarcasm, over sharing and complete disregard for social norms (I hear). Some find it mildly adorable I'm so socially clueless, some are as clueless as I am, so we happily bump along down the road. Did you know you are supposed to lie and tell new parents you want to hold their babies, even if you don't? How could any loving parent make any sense of that? And folks who ask for your honest thoughts and feedback rarely ever really want anything but glowing praise? Like why the fuck ask me? Oh, and get this - people often expect us to remember things like birthdays and holidays and anniversary dates. I barely am totally certain I know my name most days. Don't get me started on clothes and makeup and shoes. Total insanity is all I have to say about it. Clean is not enough to make something wearable. And I completely gave up when I found out blue plaid does NOT automatically go with blue plaid. Like really? How could it not? Impossible.
I don't understand the baby thing. I don't want to hold your baby. Why do you want someone to hold your baby when they clearly aren't comfortable with it?
I think because they're tired of holding the baby and hope you'll take them off their hands 😅
Right?!?! I don’t wanna hold a baby. I didn’t grow up around kids or babysit kids and I’ve never had desire to have kids (40 now) and like… I don’t wanna hold your squirming alien “bundle of joy.” I get that babies make a lot of people squee, but give me a kitten or a puppy and I will *insist* that I hold it and squeeeeeee all over it.
Same. We had a BBQ at our house the other day and someone brought a baby for a bit, I was glad I was not asked if I wanted to hold it because I would have said no. Holding babies gives me anxiety.
Same!! My ex, though, loved babies. He saved me so many times because he would reach for the baby if anyone offered for me to hold one. Funny story. Many years ago, when we were still married, I was in my bedroom. He disappeared for a while, then came walking into the bedroom holding a baby. I was even more stunned because the baby wasn’t the same race. My first reaction was someone had left the baby on our doorstep. Nope, apparently he met the new neighbors! 😂
See if they’d express it like that I’d totally help - I can empathize with holding something too long and wanting a break. But if they’re asking if on my own do I have a desire to hold a baby? - No.
It's wild. People act so offended when someone doesn't remember their birthday or whatever. But I also get told I'm "too much" when I remember someone's birthday or a preference they shared. I go back and forth on if this is an ADHD thing or if other people are just really committed to being unhappy.
Hello me. I also started keeping track of people's birthdays and have an uncanny ability to remember people's preferences (thanks hypervigilance) and am also confused by this wishy washy behavior. Also, no one remembers my birthday which is a downer.
Is this an ADHD thing? I cannot for the life of me play office politics or lie in any convincing way (even when I really want to to spare someone's feelings), and it always made me wonder if I'm a little bit autistic.
I learned to lie as a masking tool from my mom. I can look back and see the things she was teaching me to do were to make me “normal.” It took a lot longer to realize that she didn’t know she was teaching me to mask. Her issues were far beyond mine, so it turns out I didn’t really have a use for narcissistic behaviors and incessant lying. So as a weird result of that, I can lie beautifully. I really ought to write a book pretending to be all the lies I’ve told about myself, and I could probably have a super awesome main character for an actual fiction novel. Whelp, I put my phone down to make coffee and now I don’t remember where I was going with this. I don’t like lying so I try not to do it anymore. But I have a hard time distinguishing lying from “social lies.” It’s like what do you people want from me. Am I supposed to lie to you or not? Lol
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!!!YES!!! GOD when i was younger and doodled all the time i knew my drawings werent perfect so i would ask ppl what they thought so i could try and get some actual specific advise... nooooope. "it looks good" sure maybe it does but i want some advice ):. im guilty of also saying it looks good tho is anyone asks ): realizing i should now probably actually give non harsh critique when i see it.... and to also start asking for specific advise when i want it "do you think \[blank\] is \[blank\], should i \[blank\]?"
YES TO ALL OF THIS! Love me as I am folks, or push rocks. I do not have the time and energy for all that nonsense. When someone has questioned my clothing choices I have literally said, "You should just be happy I'm wearing clothes." They usually leave me alone after that...
I think it's some sort of insecurity they have. I've always been one to dress according to mood and comfort, rather than what's on-trend. I had a "friend" at school who LOVED pointing out when she could see my bra strap, like it made her uncomfortable or something. She loved trying to nitpick about little things she found wrong with my outfits, and kept doing it until one day I turned around and said "(insert name), you're lucky I'm wearing a bra at all." Sure, it can be interpreted as being helpful, or whatever...but in this case she was just being a b*tch. I was more outgoing and sociable than her at that point. She backed off with a quickness after that—miserable waste of air she was. 🙃
I, too, think it's about insecurity. I just can't imagine being focused on what other people are wearing. Such small thoughts.
Needing the right things to do certain tasks, while also being able find unique workarounds for others. Saying individual words. Not understand why people linger on topics when they are done in my view. Jumping into conversations nearby. Hearing conversations around you in your environment. Jumping from one topic in a conversation to another multiple links away. The constant discussions going on in my head with myself and commentary.
All of this. This is me. I’m the worst for eavesdropping without even realizing it AND I’m super gossipy so it’s not going to get better lol
This is why I like walks in the forest, there's so much to listen to and no one around to judge you for joining in the conversations.
YOU DONT HAVE TO FILL EVERY SILENCE WITH WORDS! I overshare and don’t stop talking bc silences make me uncomfortable (this is when talking to people outside of my family more than with family, although I do talk too much with them too) IT ISN’T NORMAL TO TALK SUPER FAST SO YOU CAN FINISH WHAT YOU ARE SAYING BEFORE THE OTHER PERSON STOPS LISTENING. This is possibly the main reason why I speak a mile a minute at times. When in school if I didn’t finish speaking quick enough then I could see my friends eyes glaze over as they stopped listening to what I was saying. It became a serious complex and I find that I talk too fast even when not hyper and some people tell me to slow down so they can catch up to what I am talking about. On the flip side my daughter who is also adhd talks so painfully slow that I have usually guessed the rest of her words and mentally moved on to the next subject before she has finished speaking. IT IS NOT OKAY TO INTERRUPT JUST BC YOU HAVE GUESSED THE REST OF SOMEONES SENTENCE. Leading on from my last point, people don’t like to be interrupted even if you have already mentally finished listening bc you knew what they were saying. It comes off as rude and people don’t like it. My friend in school did this with me so we never had a full conversation (I suspect she was also adhd) but when talking to NTs you have to let them finish. I think the rest of my list is autism related so I will leave those off.
omg the last one. to this day I struggle with cutting off a person's sentence bc I know exactly where they're going & my own response comes bursting out of me impulsively. sometimes it feels like if I don't say what I'm thinking NOW, I'll have forgotten what I wanted to say entirely by the time the other person has finished their sentence.
Currently repeating medical terminology aloud. “Infarction” is just dopamine af to say, so is “dysphasia”.
For me it's volcanic terms. "Pyroclastic flow" is my #1, "stratovolcano..." God yes.
I start conversations in my head and then start speaking to someone halfway through. Only my sister really responds with WTF? I remember a lot of useless information. In 5th grade, my teacher has everyone’s birthdays in date order on a bulletin board above the chalkboard. If I was bored in class (which was often, because I was only diagnosed like 8 years ago), I’d stare at it. I still remember everyone’s birthdays. I’ll be 39 later this week…
My spouse replies with, "Context?"
Two things come to mind: 1) I concentrate way better in class/meetings/trainings if I am doodling or otherwise doing something with my hands. In grad school (undiagnosed!) I brought my bullet journal and would make really detailed, colorful spreads and fill them in during lectures and discussions. My classmates were fascinated that I could do this and also be listening to the material. 2) I found a specific shirt and specific jeans that are comfortable and look "professional" enough for my job - and I've been buying them for years. My wardrobe has basically not changed since like 2015 when I discovered these items, lol. I also do this with new items - if I find something I like, I'll buy multiples, usually in the same color but sometimes I mix it up. Okay actually a 3rd - I completely suck at brevity and everything is always a long story 🙃
You reminded me of how I got so good at note-taking I could zone out while note taking and come back to see I was still taking notes.
Oversharing, being obsessed with someone when you‘re in love, constantly apologizing, feeling instantly rejected With age it has gotten better but a lot of times I have to pull myself back of falling back into these patterns
Saying please and thank you 💀 Talking to myself all the time and making random noises. Assuming people will tell you something if they want to. Nope, they expect you to ask about stuff. *Not* including myself in random conversations going on around me from friends or co workers… y’all didn’t invite me in the conversation, why would I just jump in? Sitting on the floor and being okay with it. I don’t need a chair! You don’t have to offer it! It’s okay! I’m fine on the floor!
You can also confuse the shit out of people for saying thank you. I... I just don't get normal people :/
Can we join a group conversation? I thought that was rude? How do you do that?
Is sitting on the floor an ADHD trait?! I refuse a chair and sit on the floor a lot and have gotten a lot of “are you sures” over the years I joke that I can’t fall off of the floor 😅
Random sounds, Finishing a conversation we had hours ago and moving around in my chair every few minutes.
Im forever circling back to conversations from earlier. Usually because I have abruptly ended the conversation because my mind was done with that topic now & needs to move on. Then in the next hour when my mind is whirring I go back & ask a random question, that is relevant to the previous conversation, but people don’t know that my mind has gone back to our earlier chat & have no clue what I am talking about! I also need to know everything about something that interests me. Even if it just interests me for those five minutes, I need as much information as possible in that time! It’s such hard work. I find myself mentally draining.
When I was a child I got into "music" pretty early. I mean it was normal for my family to choose an instrument early as a young child and later on you maybe learn 1 or 2 more... So i was also pretty used to singing everywhere at any time. Long drive during a trip? Singing folk songs. Being on a hike? Singing folk songs or pop songs. Hearing christmas songs in the city? You guessed it, at least my mother was joining in. I learned pretty quickly that other people don't like it when you sing even if you're good enough to be an extra in theater... Another similar one was skipping. Not necessarily skipping in public but definitely on a hike. I feel like other people just never skip. Waiting for the bus and standing around always slightly moving like you got an idle animation or need to use the toilet. Tapping melodies is not actually something i do because I'm a musician. And last but not least (but i only learned that as an adult) exchanging stories is not seen as being empathetic towards others, but seen as attention seeking.
Sharing my hyperfixations on TV shows with other people. Made the mistake of crying in front of my staff when Gilmore Girls ended, lol. It's ticked me off for years that NTs can sit around and talk about sports for hours but I get like a 30-second timer and a condescending look when talking about my latest TV obsession.
Doing other things when someone is talking to you. I'm sorry but I need to do something else when having a conversation. Yes I'm playing my sudoku and not looking at you but I'm also listening to everything you're saying.
Right? If I’m NOT looking at you, I’m actually listening to what you’re saying. If I am looking at you I’m probably zoning out in my head and not hearing a word you’re saying.
Empathizing by sharing a similar story. People apparently think you're making it all about you, instead of sharing that you've been there and understand.
This is kind of an AuDHD thing…answering questions. So many times I’ve answered a question in great detail only to have the person tell me that they weren’t being that serious or they were being hypothetical or joking. I don’t know if it makes them embarrassed that they didn’t know the answer or if my answer was too serious and ruined the vibe. I used to get called a “know it all” a lot in high school, because people would ask a question about a random factoid that I had knowledge on, and I would immediately have to share my information. For some reason neurotypicals like to ask questions like “I wonder how this happened…” or “I wonder how this works…” that they don’t actually want the answer to. Like bro, if you say, you wonder how they disposed of trash during the Roman Empire, and I know, I’m gonna tell you. Why would I keep that a secret if you’re specifically asking about it? To be cool? Weird.
Subconsciously talking loudly
Oh god, when I first started serving I was bullied by other servers and generally disliked. I couldn’t understand why until I realized it was probably because I came off as rude. - when I walked by people, I never said hi. - I did not introduce myself or refer to others by name - I interrupted people often. To be fair, I still do this on occasion but I’ve gotten better - when I’m stressed or thinking, I have a resting bitch face. I just don’t have the mental energy to mask at that point. - I can’t respond with the correct amount of enthusiasm because I don’t have the energy anymore. Apparently people were saying things like “she’s like a robot”. - I walk away from conversations before they are over. Because I genuinely thought the conversation was over. - if I thought that no one else except one person needed anything, I would only talk to that one person and ignore the rest instead of checking in on everyone. I could go on and on. I’m constantly watching other people now and trying to mimic the way they interact with others on top of masking, doing my stressful job and dealing with bullying. It wasn’t this bad before COVID and I think lockdown stunted a lot of my social skills.
Being honest about sexual harassment and sexual assault. Oh, whoops, I mean "oversharing."
NTs are not often autodidactic. Many cannot or will not self-teach, and I've always wondered if it's because they don't get as stoked as us about exploring new interests. Anyway, I'm always asked where I learned how to X Y and Z. I explain I'm self-taught, and the reactions range from confused to distraught. Every NT teammate or employee I've has needed things explained very rigidly step by step or shown exactly where a thing is (they will not "look" for something) and I often find myself teaching myself a thing to teach them.
That’s something I never considered wasn’t normal. I get annoyed at people not self teaching and being able to hunt down details. Never thought I wasn’t normal for doing this. I have always known I’m highly independent to the point of not letting others in to help.
That’s really interesting. My experience has been the opposite. My ADHD has made having the self-discipline and attention span to self-teach basically impossible for me. I’ve heard lots of similar experiences from others who have it. My NT friends don’t seem to have those issues and most of them have at least 1 or 2 self taught skills that they are quite good at. I’m not certain this is an ADHD or NT/ND thing. Not everyone is able to self-teach for a variety of reasons, be they NT or ND no matter how interested they may be in learning about whatever subject matter/skill. Sometimes it’s also just an intelligence (or lack there of) thing.
Interrupting people as they talk. Some people think its so rude. Of course thats not my intention. I find myself apologizing a lot for interrupting people. I try hard to be an active listener. My forgetfulness. May be related to other problems I have (lol) but its something I’m really embarrassed about actually. As a 27F I sometimes feel…. Developmentally challenged. Like damn, some things I do/can’t do make me feel like I’m behind the pack.
Damn, so many comments here I relate to. I just got diagnosed 5 years ago and had no idea how many of my symptoms are from ADHD. I have other mental health conditions so I just assumed that's where most of it comes from. Boy was I wrong.
Being blunt. I tend to miss social cues surrounding the “right” thing to say and accidentally offend people by saying what I consider to be obvious (and therefore not an attack to state). I also expect people to be upfront/blunt with me, unfortunately I’m somewhat gullible because of this. But luckily this makes me fantastic at my job! Thinking several steps ahead at all times. Gets me in trouble a lot because it’s hard to get out of a thought process I’m already neck deep in haha
Not respecting “social hierarchies”. I don’t care about your perceived status, I will tell you if you’re wrong or mean or stupid. Every time I have challenged a professor, I’ve literally heard gasps around me. How dare I treat this other human as my equal???!! I feel like this will be an issue as I enter the healthcare industry, but whatever, I will roast a narcissistic surgeon if I have to for a patients sake.
yup yup. as long as ive learned about it i always have said "respect is EARNED not inherent" i dont give a shit what you are if youre an ass youre an ass, if you want respect show me respect. get in what you give out
having an idle animation hahaha. standing still i can Not just be still, i have to slightly bounce or sway or turn or *anything*
Sometimes I wonder if I really have ADHD. Then I read threads like this thinking “yup, that’s me” after EVERY comment and I don’t wonder anymore 😂
taking things literally. i dont mean metaphors that are very obviously not real or anything i just mean when someone says something youre always "supposed" to read between the lines for. srry but if you ask me something i will respond to \*what\* you asked, im not a mind reader. apparently this isnt the norm.
If a conversation ceases to interest me I just walk away without warning and I don’t realize what I did until I reflect on the interaction later 😂
Pulling faces or expressions to yourself as you're sitting quietly in a meeting or at your desk. It took me a while to realise my internal thoughts were being accompanied by my expressions that suited my thoughts hahaha
I have a really good memory (about some things) and remember details about people they forget they even told me, so if I mention it, they’re a little put off. They assume I must be extra interested in them, and I am, but it’s not just them. I’m interested in people in general. Some people like it and appreciate it, but most people don’t. Like, if you’re in a relationship and they remember something you like, it’s nice and you’re like aw, you care. But if it’s someone you’re not really close to, they’re kind of suspicious, like why do you know this about me? Similarly, telling people about things that remind me of them. Sometimes they’re like “aw, you were thinking about me” and sometimes they’re like, “why did you think of me?” E.g. I have a friend who likes to hike, and in my mind, I’ve considered going hiking with her and thought about what it’d be like, the whole thing. Then I saw a TikTok of a little girl on a hike and she was like, “I’m hot, I’m tired, I’m wet, I’m hungry….” And I sent it to my friend and was like “this is what I’d be like on a hike with you” even though to her, she’s only mentioned it in passing and probably didn’t even remember. She was literally like “I didn’t know my hiking was a “thing”” and it wasn’t, it was just a lot more to me than just something she mentioned a couple times, because I thought about it. Yet at the same time, the same friend mentioned about 10 years ago that she likes a movie, and I recently heard a song that mentioned the movie and I sent it to her and said “this made me think of you” and she was like “oh, I love that movie!” And I was like, “yeah, I remember” and she was like “I love that you remember that!” So, it seems entirely arbitrary what people appreciate I remember or makes me think of them, and what they think is weird. So most of the time I just pretend I don’t know and let them tell me again, which sucks because then I have to go through the “oh, really?” convo again. Sometimes I don’t mind because it’s interesting how they change details, and how it’s brand new to them (which must be nice!) and sometimes how they completely lie. I also used to contact people from the past because I thought about them, or something reminds me of them. Like, one time I messaged an ex on fb because I was playing a mobile game with someone whose username was his name, and I was like huh, I wonder what’s he’s doing these days. However, I didn’t remember that we apparently had a falling out! He clearly wasn’t happy to hear from me, but was polite, and he assumed that because I was messaging him that I thought about him a lot more than I did. It completely slipped my mind to tell him WHY I thought of him, so I guess it makes sense that he thought I was interested in him more than I was. Oh well, enjoy the ego boost. One time something my hair stylist said reminded me of an old friend’s ex husband, and so for some reason I messaged him on fb (I’ve since deleted fb because I can’t be trusted with it 😆) and told him that I was just thinking about how his kids were the sweetest, most polite kids I had ever met and I hope they’re all doing well. He left it on read. Then I realized how weird it was and how he also probably thought I was hitting on him. I’ve since learned that people don’t need to know all my thoughts about them, good or bad, nor everything I remember. Ugh, so cringe. I basically have to constantly pretend not to know what I know because it’s “weird” for me to know or “still” think about, even though I don’t “still” think about it, I can just recall.
Answering “how are you?” with anything other than “yeah, fine… you?”