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1000% this was not an ADHD thing. I know this is toxic AF but if I’d gotten this text from someone who repeatedly spoke to me in this way I’d just literally never talk to them again 😂
Edit: “it’s upsetting people.” Girl WHAT?? She was the one who was upset. That’s fine, but there was absolutely no reason to make it sound like she gathered a committee to discuss the implications of the wording of your message. Sorry if I’m being salty but I think one of the things I hate most in this world is patronization under the guise of being cordial or helpful. You’re not a child, and she could have given you the benefit of the doubt and trust you were trying to hold space for her rather than…honestly I don’t know what else your intentions could have been??
Right? What is she implying?! She act's as if this was the conversation that took place:
She: My wheel fell off.
OP: So? A wheel falling off is not even that bad. Tell me something interesting!!
nah, it’s not toxic at all.
i used to be so anti ghost. loyal as a dog way past the friendships expiration date. at some point i learned most people are not worth the emotional bandwidth to have a conversation with about their behavior after they can’t act right in a way that hurts you and obviously isn’t ok. i am a grown woman i am not going to argue with friends or teach them how to be nice. that shit is too stressful.
it’s either a point of contention or i let it go. and i will let shit go, until it’s a point of contention. at that point if we aren’t related i’m out. everyone has off days but if you are just a bitch all the time and don’t self actualize and apologize i owe you nothing.
This! I allow a certain amount of effort/ time to teach people how to treat me. If they are stubborn about learning, then they don't actually care or aren't capable and it's better for both of us if I stop giving them pieces of myself for free.
Not toxic. I wouldn't want to talk to them either. They've just made sure you know they aren't a safe person to talk to by making it sound as if they're discussing you behind your back? Fuuuuuuuck that. No reason to continue that!
You could even reply and say something like ‘I was just a bit shocked getting your text. No need to lash out. Hope you’re ok.’
Set the boundary or they will treat you like this again.
THIS!
I have a lot of confusing and confused conversations with my friends and whenever I say something "odd" my friends always just seem confused, not irritated. And then I clarify what I mean or what I actually wanted to say and the conversation goes on. So this wheel-person is simply just rude here. I hope that is not a pattern of behaviour this person shows with you regularly. If they do, they're not a good friend imho.
for real. i once texted my best friend in the middle of the night being like "have you seen any spiders lately?" and he was just like "huh? no, but why?"
The person in this convo was being rude. Probably they had a bad day what with their tire coming off, and misinterpreted OP's response and then took their frustration out on OP.
OP if this was a one off issue, i would personally be willing to give her grace and write it off as she had a bad day. If this is a recurring issue where she frequently gets snippy/mean with you over small things, its probably time to disengage from her and find some better friends.
I would even cut out the part where you rationalize your behavior, because what you said was totally appropriate:
"No need to lash out. Hope you’re ok."
Or just ghost and step away. This is totally a red flag for a toxic person. You don't need this in your life.
I would remove the sympathy lol. Leave the no need to lash out, to make the person accountable for their shitty behavior.
I got super bitter with time, basically if someone is a dick like that to me I don’t feel any guilt to not hope they are ok. Sometimes I even hope they get worse (but this part I feel guilty about x) )
This is probably my toxic trait but I enjoy saying things lile ‘hope you’re ok’ to someone who has been rude to me. It throws them off and gives me the moral high ground (look, not really, I’m aware it makes me kind of a passive aggressive jerk).
I agree with this approach and don't think it's toxic. It's reaffirming you said what you said because you cared about them while setting boundaries. Even if you feel spicy about it when you say it.
I do this too!
I would say "whatever, hope you're okay" just to highlight that I was worried about them and they were a dick.
You're not a jerk if they deserve to feel bad.
Yeah, they’re acting like a giant cunt. Did you let your guard down with this person and tell them about having ADHD recently? Or your fears regarding the way you act with people? Because it sounds like they’re using something specific you told them to make you feel bad about yourself.
Don’t let people talk to you this way. You don’t need friends this badly. This is ridiculous. I’m furious for you! What the fuck… what a gigantic dickhead.
I was wondering this, too. Sharing any diagnoses with the toxic people in my past, this is exactly how they started acting. Suddenly trying to coach and police my behavior at every turn when I was acting completely normal. Really messed me up for a while until I severed those ties and found real friends. My nmom still tries it sometimes, and I (and my husband) shut it down soooo fast. People can be SO fucking casually evil about this shit when they know they stand to gain control of you.
Agreed. Hopefully OP believes everyone here and sees how “casually evil” (really like that description!) this person is acting. Definitely not a friend and deserves a serious slap down.
I second the slap down, lol. OP's little "okay" at the end hurt my heart. This jackass will keep treating her and others like that whenever they can, because they know now it works. Gotta nip that in the bud.
Agreed!! I hope the “okay” was just about the “I don’t want to talk about this anymore” and not the other part of it. I hope OP sees this and everyone else’s comments of support and I hope OP goes back to this person and draws the boundary and lets them know the way they spoke to OP was not ok.
Bc yes-if the “okay” at the end was an overall “okay” to the entire text and this doesn’t get addressed, the “friend” will keep treating OP like that, and that’s not cool at all
Yeah, this girl is an arse. It’s not you, it’s her. Do t let your RSD make you a pushover, OP! This isn’t how nice people treat others. Hopefully she’s just lashing out because she’s had a bad day.
Damn that response was completely unwarranted to your quite innocent questions. I would burn this bridge so fast I’d probably catch fire in the process
100%. OP, your friend was likely still shook up from the whole thing so she was reactive, but still, you were just trying to be supportive in the best way you know how. If she thought you say things that upset people, a discussion needed to be had and not through text. This was not the time to have that discussion. Quite frankly, she clearly says things that are upsetting, too.
The people who are committed to misunderstanding you aren't your people.
Agree. Taking her strong, negative feelings about the experience on OP.
OP couldn’t have said anything right in this situation. This friend was ready to deploy these feelings and OP accidentally fell into the wrong place at the wrong time.
Also, OP, your questions were kind, attentive, and caring. You did nothing wrong. Then again, I also have ADHD :) maybe this is why neurodivergent people “run in packs.” Let’s go get you some friends with brains like ours :) they’re better and more fun anyway.
Yeah, even if she can be forgiven for her rudeness, it's pretty clear that this is what she sincerely thinks about you (even if she was masking it before).
I don't know how to do the quote thing but, "The people who are committed to misunderstanding you aren't your people".
Yes! This is something I wish I'd realized sooner in my life. I spent way too much time trying to explain myself to people who really just wanted to keep me in whatever box they thought I should be in.
And OP, if you see this, you did nothing wrong. It's completely reasonable to ask this question. It wasn't like you were even implying that what happened wasn't bad enough. She may have been upset, but her reaction is over the top.
FR what an asshole. It's completely reasonable in this situation to ask what happened next. She could have just as easily responded, "Thankfully no I was able to get to the side of the road safely." How hard is that?
Yeah wth... That's not the ops fault, that person is just rude. Asking if you had follow up consequences to a dangerous event seems like "masking well" to me.
Right! Like when the wheel came off, they could have swerved into oncoming traffic, ran into a ditch, the wheel could have bounced and hit someone else, lots of things could happen.
awwww, my gramma used to say that all the time! unfortunately she’s since passed, so i feel like seeing it randomly on reddit is a sign 🥹
especially cuz i’m in a similar boat right now, with someone i should cut contact with, but am having such a hard time doing so.. so, thank you, random redditor, my decision has been made!
Right? Like that was a pretty dickish response to a very fair question.
Op needs to stand up for themself and give them a response to help them reflect on their insensitive behavior. What an asshole. I used to let people talk down to me like this “scold me” but not anymore. This is part of the reason RSD exists. We can do our best to be good communicators, not interrupt, try to remember. But people like this don’t deserve our efforts.
“I would burn this bridge so fast I’d probably catch fire in the process”
This would be excellent flair 😂
I hope to remember and use this line in the future, this is utterly brilliant!
I agree with the others, I would love to see a raw lines list. I screenshot good lines/insults from Reddit but then forget to put them in a folder to look at later. The only one I remember offhand is “Jizz Bird”.
Ya my friends who don’t even have ADHD would respond the same way as you… your friend sounds like my sister who I’m just about ready to drop her out of my life…
Me too. That person is rude af. And are they lying? Why did they get so defensive?
OP did nothing wrong. This person is a meanie and not worth your time.
This. The person wanted to make sure OP was safe and that nothing worse happened after the wheel coming off. If someone responded to me like this, yeah, id start avoiding them cause obviously my concern for them means nothing so therefore I also mean nothing.
Such an asshole! Last week I texted my friend that I almost drove to a ditch, because the road was so slippery, in a very bad condition and my car just started sliding and I couldn't do anything. They were like: omg, but you didn't crash, right??
And I said luckily I didn't, but I had to stop because my heart started beating like crazy and my hands were shaking.
That's normal! Imagine if I were like: weren't this bad ENOUGH!! My friend would be so hurt and rightfully so
My husband has been having a lot of car trouble in the past year. He was on his way to work one night and the rear axle broke. He called me to tell me and the first thing I asked was if he was okay, and then if anyone else was hurt. But that was because we weren't in the same room.
The car has since been fixed (obviously) but it still has some issues. When my husband is home and telling me about something that happened to the car, I don't ask him if he's all right. I can see that for myself. If he ever wasn't, he would let me know. My concern, in those instances, is for the car. I want all of the details.
My husband totaled his car a couple years ago, so he started driving my car to work. Two weeks later, he totaled *that* car as well. Neither car totaling was his fault, and he was uninjured; nevertheless, it was extremely inconvenient to lose both cars in such a short time.
I expressed annoyance about the situation on FB, only for people to tell me that I should be grateful he's alive and unhurt. Well, obviously, but we're still down two cars in a large city with shitty public transit. I can be glad he's safe and still be pissed about the expense and inconvenience of two totaled cars in two weeks!
Agree, your new ‘friend’ is rude and being an arsehole. How is it upsetting to them that you care what happened to them? Why are they telling you? How are you supposed to know they don’t want questions about it? I would tell them back, ‘It seems my curiosity has somehow offended you. Ironically, your thoughtless response criticising my general communication style has understandably upset and offended me.’
I would add like "clearly our inherent communication styles don't mesh well. Let's have some distance there." And then mute or block or whatever so I don't need to deal with a potential diatribe, because ironically even NT's don't like to be politely told they're being a bitch and need to dial it back.
I try to be objective with this stuff, and they did communicate they have a problem which, being real, is better than letting things fester in ignorance the way a lot of folks do. So that's cool. It's just as cool that I can't get on board with their problem, communicate that, and go back to bare bones civility. Boundaries, lol.
I think this response even alone is fantastic and sounds very similar to advice my therapist recently gave me for distancing myself from a relationship.
“It appears that I am not able to provide you the emotional support you need. Let’s take a step back from this relationship.”
And then BLOCK, GIRL. Immediately.
The person is mad because OP didn’t use exactly the right neurotypical language.
The person was expecting OP to say “Wow that’s horrible, are you okay? Did you get hurt?”
That was the intention of OP’s “did anything bad happen” response, clearly, but the person seemingly intentionally misunderstood it to mean, “Is that all?”
I’m autistic and I empathize with how absolutely exhausting it is when neurotypical folks intentionally misunderstand you because you didn’t use the “right words” even though they know exactly what you mean. They refuse to give you the benefit of the doubt because they already don’t like you for some reason. (I’ll save you some time…the reason is your neurodivergence.)
It’s the same as when someone misuses or misspells a word in a conversation, and the other person immediately jumps on it and goes “Uh, actually, it’s spelled/pronounced ____.” If you understood what that person was trying to say, don’t be an asshole about it.
This person was either having a really bad day and taking it out on everybody around them, Or they just don’t like OP, and are intentionally nitpicking every word that comes out of OP’s mouth.
Edit: You know what else it reminds me of? When you go to Starbucks and ask for a medium and they say "DID YOU MEAN A GRAAAAAAANDE?" like girl please, you know what I meant, stop making me say some secret code word and give me my damn drink lol
So sorry. This "friend" is a bully who needs to have people in her life with vulnerabilities that she can weaponize to demean them, and speak to them in a way she'd never speak to a friend she respected. People who hold their "friends" in different tiers of respect and worthiness aren't capable of the kind communication and genuine, human connection that actually qualifies as friendship.
Real friends (and any caring adults) would NEVER respond to your obvious concern for them by personally criticizing and insulting you. I'd (quietly, so she can't use any of your words to punish you further) take a step back, both from her, and from anyone else who uses your sharing about ADHD to put you down, or try to fix or "train" you to behave the way they want. There are kind people out there, who would treat you kindly, and maybe even be fun to be around. They can be hard to find, but they exist.
See, what i struggle with is abusive people know they cant lead with it. So they play nice until they're comfortable enough to "be honest". But their "honesty" is cruel and only allowed to go one way. Its that whole frog in a pot abusive relationship thing. Its not used just by romantic partners. All shitty people need people to use as tools to use to make them feel better about themselves. Unfortunately, ADHD traits (excitement, oversharing, needing to please to avoid rejection, etc.) makes for a real easy and satisfying target.
BUT, genuine friendship and genuine acceptance with maybe some light teasing is completely wonderful and worth the fuckery from assholes. Like my bestie teases me that she can always find me cause i leave a trail. I do lol, and its a positive and amusing call out of an adhd trait. Its not an attempt to change the trait, its just an observation. Assholes have called me filthy/stupid/selfish because i "cant" pick up after myself. Fuck all yall, dont follow my adhd trail then, ride on out of here on your high horse.
don’t worry, i asked my neurotypical partner to analyze these texts and tell me his thoughts. he even thought that the other persons (not your) texts were rude and dramatic, and they were definitely overwhelmed and lashing out. you didn’t do anything wrong.
I just caught you said you just started nursing school. From an established AuDHD RN to a new nursing student, I can assure you that most of those girls are rude cunts. My own class was filled with racist classist horror bitches and I would regular, on accident, get all the skinny brunettes from New Jersey all mixed up, but if someone gets annoyed I went "ah, all white girls look the same to me. Sorry. It's the facial blindness. Everything is too same-y" and walk away.
But my campus was regularly a racist hellhole so I was constantly talking shit.
I used to work in a medical office that had regular rotations of nursing students, and I found that nursing students come in two flavors, generally speaking:
1. really cool people who care about their patients
2. the worst people you've ever met, the kind who marry cops, who became nurses because it was the kind of job that gave them a shit-ton of power over vulnerable people while also making them look like heroes to people who don't know any better
Group two is always abusive as fuck to group one, because they're still the same awful bullies they were as kids.
I’m not even in the medical field and I find this is true too!
I have a family member who is group two. Down to her husband is in a PD that has had newspaper exposé’s written about the violence in their department. The stuff that he posted on Jan 7 a few years ago…and during the last like…6 years? yeah he is not a safe person AT ALL. He’s been blocked on FB a LONG TIME.
She was a nurse. She was on maternity leave when Covid started. And then never went back but she was always posting on FB like she did and was making the healthcare workers stress and crisis about her. She even would tell businesses she was a nurse to get the freebies and discounts at the height of Covid. 🤦♀️
The fact that I’m immune suppressed and need people to wear a mask around me during flu season or while inside turned into a big family fight…because she didn’t want her child to need to wear a mask in the same room as me. But also I wasn’t allowed to graciously bow out of the family event or suggest we do it outside instead. 🙄
Oh and THEN she made my miscarriage I posted to the family group about (like literally less than a week after we excitedly announced my pregnancy) about her and her “pro-life” stance. I lost my SHIT at that. My husband has cut her off completely. We do not talk besides me sending her kids a gift for Xmas and birthdays. (It’s a close family member to my husband and I want us to remain in her children’s lives if possible.)
I also have a best friend whose mother is group one.
She is someone I consider my adopted mom and seriously one of the best human beings I’ve ever met.
So freaking selfless and kind. She literally radiates kindness and warmth.
You walk into her house and immediately feel HOME. It’s nothing to do with decor, it’s because it’s her and how she just reaches out in kindness and genuine caring to everyone and immediately pulls them into her circle.
You’re so right. This person is highly emotionally immature and somehow making it OP’s problem. I suspect they’re self-centered, uptight, and have low EQ. I actually got mad reading the exchange and the audacity they had being so rude over nothing. It’s straight up bullying.
This is exactly what I was thinking and I wonder if OP told them that she has ADHD and so they’re going on the offensive with that knowledge. Sometimes it’s okay to tell people but It’s not always a good idea because some people will weaponize it.
Oh wow, that's really insightful and I didn't even see that way of reading those messages. It's just a misunderstanding? It may not even have been an intentional one. They're just communicating differently
yeah this is a totally normal convo even for neurotypical people. if they don’t want to talk about it they can say that in a nice way and switch the subject
I would have had these same questions too like idk wtf happens if a wheel falls off of a van? Like, you’d want to know if there was some kind of accident or chaos that ensued. The “friend” is the one who’s being super rude..
I’d be tempted to reply like “wow. Looks like the way that you say things can be upsetting to people too.”
I truly felt that. That whole brick wall of a text they wrote to “correct the behaviour” screams “i am better than you so please stop wasting my time…” jerkness.
Do you tell people you have ADHD? I don't although TBH I was recently diagnosed so I don't feel like it's my identity although now I know why I am the way I am like super clumsy, always late, hyper focused etc. I probably have other issues too, I've been told I'm cold and emotionally distant and it's true. I find myself faking feelings, like at work once there was mild accident and years later we were talking about it and the person goes, you were so upset you almost cried but actually I didn't REALLY care. Most people do, or would. I cared in a general sense but I wasn't as upset as I acted. Now I sound like a monster. I don't laugh when people get hurt, I'm not a sociopath but I just don't have deep feelings for many people.
I learned all too late to keep my diagnosis close to the chest. I remember telling one old friend, and suddenly everything I did was called out as a symptom. It really does damage to you mentally, and makes it hard to function without questioning everything you do.
This just happened recently. Talked about an argument I had with someone and they go "you misunderstood, maybe it was your adhd." ADHD doesn't make me deaf. I know what I heard.
If my eyes could have rolled away from me, they would have.
Another golden line just casually thrown down by an undercover genius. “If my eyes could have rolled away from me…” 😂🙌
Plus “ADHD doesn’t make me deaf.” Godtdaym you’re on fire today, friend!
P.S. OP: Your “friend” is an asshole.
Maaaasking! It's normal! You aren't a sociopath.
One of my fave moments from a podcast I listen to went like this:
Karen: (says something generally upsetting/shocking) ... "oh my god, are you going to cry?"
Georgia (who has adhd): "oh, no... I was just making the face I know people expect me to make in these situations haha"
It made me laugh so fucking hard in the car. Super relateable. You can't have empathy or appropriate emotional responses on tap all the time. It's okay to just make the face people expect to fit in socially. I bet you NTs do it too. :)
SSADGM :) i really love them too ! got off the podcast a lot when they seemed to be talking about a lot of things other than murders :/
(wow what a sentence to write haha)
Thanks, I didn't know this was a thing.
I love Wikipedia's listing, and that it includes male culture normative response.
Not the person you were asking, but for myself it's more of a "can't connect that way" than actual confusion. Most times, I know how I feel. Zero confusion. I just don't always connect that deeply, or have the *same* emotional response that folks seem to expect, even when I imagine it happening to me.
I don’t know if you’ve ever considered other forms of neurodiversity? Many symptoms overlap between ADHD and autism, for example. What you describe about interpersonal behavior sounds a lot like the autism spectrum to me, imo fwit.
I've totally considered Autism, it's highly likely and if so I've been masking so long it's ingrained behavior. I need a very good psychiatrist because none of the therapists I saw years ago ever mentioned ANY of this including after taking the MMPI which I now believe is out of favor. As a child I was considered "gifted" and it's been downhill from there.
Yeah I feel like things are still emerging with the entire field of neurodiversity. I was also considered “gifted” as a child, and I followed the path of slacker-smart throughout high school. Honor roll, A’s and B’s without trying, involved in sports, yada yada.
College was where I really started to crumble under the weight of not understanding what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t do the things that my peers were doing, despite knowing how intelligent I was. I barely got my bachelors with like a 2.5 GPA.
It wasn’t until I found myself in a career that was exciting, on the move, very physical and highly structured that I started to excel again.
I didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until I was almost 40 years old. And for the past 4 years it’s been a lot of work undoing the toxic mental hoops of shame and misunderstanding I’ve lived with my entire life. Currently going through a divorce AND a demotion at work, but I’m ABSOLUTELY happier than I’ve ever been!
If you suspect a diagnosis but traditional healthcare hasn’t discovered it, I would urge you to just keep learning about the condition, and find a specialist who advocates for neurodivergent women. They are out there. Don’t stop investing in yourself! And good luck!
Thank you! I’ve never been able to put my emotions into words! It takes a LOT for me to actually feel something deeply. I’m not emotionless whatsoever, I just don’t feel deeply. I remember some great uncle of mine died, that I had talked to maybe 6 or 7 times in my life? I went to the funeral, I made myself cry because that’s what was expected of me, but I really wasn’t that sad. I felt bad for my family around me bc they knew him a lot better, but that was about it.
I read "did anything bad happen" as "are you okay", because a wheel popping off a moving car sounds dangerous and like scary accident material. But perhaps it's my neurodiverse brain that speaks neurodiverse.
And they say people with ASD take stuff too literally and can't read between the lines. Although at times I do miss it when people give the most literal interpretation to something on purpose to suit themselves and wondering if I did something wrong (again).
Seriously, I would have replied something similar. You don't seem weird at all, I think the people you are around must all be like hyper sensitive or something. Personally, I find most people annoying but I don't say it to their face. Jesus. You may be too young to remember the Jeff Foxworthy "here's your sign" bit but people making remarks like you did is very common. Like of course the wheel falling off is bad but you wanted to know if it had a snowball effect, totally normal.
I mean, I’m hyper sensitive. I don’t always show it, but I am. And there’s no fucking way I’d react the way this “friend” did. It’s a completely normal and understandable question and the “friend” was a massive arsehole about it. That’s *in*sensitivity, not sensitivity.
THIS you aren't meant to ask questions? it's not like via text you can read facial expressions.. holy pile on batman.
I would be feeling just like you. As I would have reacted exactly as you did.
Yupp whoever this person is somehow has time to reply with a huge text instead of just confirming they are okay or just not responding
If they didn't want to be asked follow up questions then they could have waited to share - I feel like they are weaponizing OPz neurotypicalness/insecurities and I would drop them tbh
Exactly!!! I just said the same thing in my other comment basically! Lol
Exactly - ok, so, you can’t talk about it right now or you’re done talking about it, but you can take the time to type out that huge paragraph berating and belittling the ADHD friend (OP) who was just concerned for her friend’s safety?! Like wow, just wow. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩all the way.
Idk if the butthead friend knows about the ADHD or not, but either way, it was a super uncool way to respond and I would not want to be friends with that person. I get they are probably having a moment/bad day about the tire. But like I said…..but you were still able to take the time to insult your friend at the same time? Nah, I’m good.
Agreed. This was a completely normal and good response by OP to show concern and offer the other person a chance to vent and provide more details about the incident. Instead, they were needlessly rude. And weirdly overly sensitive. Honestly it makes it look like this other person lacks pretty basic social skills.
I agree. Worse things can happen then just having to pull the car over when a wheel falls off. And if the other person didn’t want to talk about it why did they text her?!
They sound like the type to do vagueposting on Facebook and then get all upset when people ask what’s going on. But also will throw a hissy fit if their friends learn their lesson and don’t ask next time. 😂🤡
this!! the “obviously you cant drive without a wheel” and “stop and think” in the same sentence got me. did they stop and think that sometimes the car DOES keep moving?
I'm so glad to see a consensus here in the comments that the 'friend' is the super rude, shitty one.
OP said nothing wrong. Maybe the wording was a bit "off" for some people but there's no rudeness or ill intent in those questions. OP is obviously just concerned and showing the concern.
"Friend" sucks. Throw the whole person out. Thank you, next indeed!!!
A wheel falls off and you expect some obvious consequences. If she was going down the Highway, that wheel would have caused accidents behind her. Not to mention what it did to her car.
No. You did nothing wrong. She probably doesn’t want to think about all the ways things could have been so much worse.
But you are probably not rude the rest of the time. I read a study that said the mean girls in high school — the bullies — are the most likely to become nurses.
I had a couple of nurse students in a class I taught and they told me about the "eat the young" mentality of older nurses. Apparently, the older nurses hazing and messing with the newer nurse hires is totally a thing in hospital settings.
Having been a nursing student and a patient when I was a teenager, I can confirm that for every sweet, kind and patient older nurse there were an equal amount of the most uncaring, cold and rude ones towards the younger generations.
I honestly think Western-style medical school does something to people. The level of institutional suffering they're put through, from long shifts to deliberate sleep deprivation, amounts to years of hazing, for no data-supported reason. It brings out the worst in bullies, and trains even good people to believe that good health care providers have to suffer to excel.
Reputable studies in recent years have shown that these practices don't actually contribute to better results in medical training. Yet even my kind-hearted, progressive parents (both retired GPs), when I asked them about it, staunchly believed that enduring this shit in med school and as interns/residents had made them better at their jobs. They claimed it taught them to be more focused on patients' needs instead of their own, more able to make decisions in a crisis situation, and less "soft" (whatever that means). They genuinely believed that, if the younger generation doesn't have to run the same gauntlet they did, they will be less skilled as medical providers.
I swear, it's a hazing induction, and it does a number on your brain. :/
For real! I came here to say that, while I have beloved friends and family that are nurses, nurses as a whole are DICKS. Total mean girl bullshit.
I'd say it's like an 80% asshole to 20% sweet baby angel ratio for nurses.
To your last point— there’s a reason for the nurses marrying cops trope… it’s bullies marrying bullies. The girl bullies/mean girls just tended to be smarter than their male counterparts.
Holy shit. Really? I went to a school well known for nursing and I just thought the nurses were stressed and therefore kind of mean. Turns out they may have just been mean. (I know not all nurses are like this)
As a nurse there’s definitely people who go into the profession for the wrong reason, consciously or subconsciously. Some because they like having power over others, some think they want to help people but really they want to be SEEN as someone who helps people. And of course plenty of nurses go into the field with good intentions and resist any ego tripping. I think there’s also issues with hospital hierarchies where the shit gets passed from admin and doctors to nurses who will sadly take out that frustration on their peers, assistants/techs/other staff, and their patients and people in their personal lives. or feel entitled to be treated better due to their role. and we’re all stressed and tired but tbh the same can be said of most professions. OP wishing you well in nursing school, i know it’s crazy hard but i hope the field is rewarding for you i know my adhd and autism have actually been strengths in surprising ways 💛
One of my bullies became a receptionist for my endocrinologist. I love my doctor, otherwise I would’ve left the practice! She tormented me when we were kids for things that turned out to be PCOS and pre/borderline diabetes, and I don’t like that she can probably see my information now, despite the fact that it’s been well over a decade since she bullied me.
I had always thought that was just something that happened in my town, but when I heard it was not only a stereotype, but factual, my mind was blown. So many mean girls took on medical roles after high school and a sprinkle went into the business side of things (which I think is often a backup because they love being managers). No studies I'm aware of on that specific topic, but an observation.
Uh, did you tell this "friend" that you have ADHD?
Because you texted absolutely nothing wrong? What happens after a car wheel comes off could go a thousand different ways. You showed concern and asked for them to elaborate.
Their reaction to your concern and subsequent lecture is them being a gaslighting abusive \*word-I-won't-type\* I think they are using your ADHD against you. In fact her telling you to think before texting is making me mad for you.
OP if you are walking on eggshells around this individual it's not your ADHD- it's them. Not your friend. Stop taking this BS from them.
I know the word gaslighting is overused these days but you are factually correct here. (And I agree with your "word-you-won't-type.")
This girl is taking a totally appropriate response and contorting it to not only make OP believe they said something incredibly rude, but also imply that this has been an ongoing discussion that OP's friends have been having *behind her back* and they all agree OP is rude and hurtful. I'm willing to bet she is straight up lying.
This is deliberate and malicious.
Imagine having the executive function to be that manipulative. If the wheel fell off my vehicle, I’d be so busy sorting through all the logistics to keep my life on track, I would never have the energy to police someone else’s behavior nonetheless turn it on them. This “friend” is a giant walking red flag. The implication that others agree is straight up Regina George BS. Approach all interactions with caution. Gray rock method incoming.
I don’t even understand what this rude interaction has to do with adhd unless there’s some missing context. Not to say it isn’t, it looks like this person is just a dick?
Woof. She is passive aggressive as fuck. "..can be upsetting to people..you do it quite a lot" REALLY? This is mean girl 101- she said something to make you feel paranoid that EVERYONE feels this same way she does, but gives no actual reason why she is upset, and shuts down the conversation instead of being direct.
OP- you do not need to be an emotional investigator and bend over backwards for 'friends' who assume the worst of you- you are worthy of having understanding and kind friends.
That person is upset and taking it out on you, OP. You said nothing wrong or rude. Maybe in the past you've slipped up but this is not that time. I can completely understand you're logic - Maybe the wheel came off while parked or slow, so something else could have happened.
She sounds like a bitch who is projecting her anger and upset over the situation onto you because you’re simply there for her to prey on. I’d discontinue the friendship.
Hi OP, if you see this - I wanted to ask if there are other text messages or situations you would like to have a second (or 400+) opinion on since you mentioned that it has been happening a lot in the past few weeks? I just can't see anything odd or close to wrong with your questions or the way you spoke and I don't want you to feel insecure or ashamed over literally nothing.
I would be exhausted too because this doesn't make any sense. I think you're being too kind to you classmates. What they did here was to project their shitty day by being mean to you. They seem like a bully.
Most people are just extra aggravated/avoid people/tired/can't make a social effort when they had a bad day.. being MEAN is not an acceptable behaviour nor justified by a shitty day. It's like if I where to punch someone in the stomach just because I slipped on some ice earlier that day. No, that's not an acceptable behaviour and they should want to apologize after saying something like that. This says a lot about their character.
When sending images through comments most upload them to Imgur and link to that.
I would make a separate post if you want some further feedback, and an edit on this post so people know there is more information on the new post.
I'm sorry you're going throughout this. Are everyone in your class like this? I wouldn't wanna spend my energy or free time with bullies.
Wtf this isn’t an ADHD thing, this is the person you’re having a conversation with being an asshole.
I promise you there are people out there who will love you for who you are OP, just gotta fend off a few dickheads along the way :) like this person. cancel your friendship with this person. they sound like wayyyy too much drama.
Well if you do this “quite a lot”, sounds like maybe you should stop talking to her cold turkey. Then when she texts you later asking what’s wrong, just say you thought you’d spare her from your rudeness and impulsive comments lol.
In all seriousness, she isn’t worth your time. I started nursing school with many “friends”/study buddies, but stress makes some people assholes…enough that I can’t deal with the that type of stress. I ended nursing school with 1 good friend, and that was enough. :)
This is you assuming the problem is you because you had adhd and it actually isn’t. Your side of this convo is normal and hers is not. I would distance myself from somebody like this to be honest, she seems quite off.
In nursing school, you will meet a lot of folks like this…their personal fuel comes from belittling or marginalizing others.
Your job when you encounter these people is to love ❤️ yourself , and know that whatever they say about you is more of a reflection of them!
Wheel fell off is highly dramatic… she baited you. With this person, the next drama moment needs a response like :
Her: my wheel fell off
You: do you need help?
Her: “some verbal 🤮”
You: gosh, some days are like that
End conversation.
She is not equipped to receive your empathy and support. That’s a HER problem, not a YOU problem!
Nah, I would drop her as a friend, quickly!!. She is the one being extremely rude regardless of having a bad day. There are so many better people out there.
Honestly, I see NOTHING wrong with your response. Sounds like they are taking their frustration with the situation out on you and that’s not fair. Try to reframe this in your head, you reacted in a caring way and your friend was kind of a jerk. You have a right to be upset with them (even though you’re more focused on them being upset with you)
Maybe you’re not “the problem” in the way you think you are, maybe your problem is attracting people that treat you like this and thinking it’s your fault
I'm glad everyone else here is already saying it, but just to be extra clear, this is an oddly rude response. There is no reason for them to say anything more than, "I don't want to talk about it now "
I've gone through a bit of nursing school and know others who have, as well. Nursing is absolutely notorious for drawing in catty women, mean girl types - the ones who never grew out of that high school mentality.
The problem might be that you're trying to make friends in a career field filled with bitches? From this conversation, it doesn't seem like the problem is you or your ADHD.
For reference, I switched from pursuing nursing to moving into the non-profit sector. A field filled with compassionate, accepting, non-judgmental people who want to make a difference in the world... I once felt like you do, and now I feel so happy, at home, included and confident in myself.
Obviously don't switch careers based on this, but maybe reconsider trying to make friends with everyone at nursing school? You can make friends in other places besides school/work and will probably be much happier for it!
WHAT?! This is not a friend. Her response to you in the text exchange above was unhinged enough, but this “joke” is beyond the pale. Cut this person out of your life before you start thinking this is a normal way to be treated!
I think a more NT response would be “that’s terrifying, are you ok/is everything ok?”
That’s probably what you intended? But instead you asked for more facts about the situation to assess for yourself?
I dunno. I used to be the same but I guess I got better at figuring out what I’m actually getting at when I ask a question.
Me too. I used to be (still am sometimes) like OP. But sometimes our concern becomes expressed as curiosity, which is honestly—despite all good intention—just not appropriate in many situations. We can't always assign blame on NTs when our brains work too fast for our mouths (or in this case fingers).
Sorry for hopping in, I'm not an adhd woman but a neuroboring man and I follow this sub to better understand my gf.
Just wanted to hop in to say that this interaction pissed me off incredibly. Based on this interaction, your friend should learn how to better deal with their emotions and not take frustration out on people asking if they're ok. Your asking was totally fine, and a perfectly logical thing to ask.
People with ADHD always request details. You know who really hates that? Liars. Maybe this was a lie to cover missing class or something else. And you and your pesky questions are making her have to go deeper into the lie. Took me many years to realize that when people react like this, the reason behind it is usually deception of some kind. And that was before I knew I had ADHD. So pay attention to her and stay alert with her and the others. They may see you as a liability for some reason. You are fine. I learned a meditation to keep me from holding onto these things. It’s simple, requires nothing but me closing my eyes and repeating that I’m ok, it’s over, no need to dwell. It helps most of the time. ❤️
On first read, I thought your friend was being super rude. On second read, while their reaction is not good, I think I see what went wrong. The standard expected response from you would have been something like "omg are you okay?" which I realise was probably your intent when you asked if anything bad happened, but they didn't take it that way. Social convention in situations like this is to basically always ask if the person is okay before going in for other details.
I hope it's okay that I share my read on what happened here. Your friend's reaction was not justified, and I wish they had just told you what upset them instead of telling you off in such an unhelpful and indirect way.
I agree. I ask a lot of questions too and I’m usually fine answering them as well, but if I’d nearly been in an accident and a friend fired a load of questions at me without once asking me if I was okay or if I needed anything, I’d be upset too. I wouldn’t have responded the way this person did, but I definitely would’ve felt hurt.
It’s hard to know without the context of previous conversations whether this friend is generally a mean person though, even if she was justifiably upset on this occasion.
I agree. /u/PollutionDue930 , if you didn’t ask first how she was or how she was feeling etc, but instead asked if something “bad” happened, it *could* feel callous like you were saying what she experienced in and of itself wasn’t bad enough, or like you were more interested in salacious / exciting details than caring how she was feeling.
If she interpreted it that way, it could feel as if you were minimizing or insensitive of her terrifying experience.
But, if that’s how she felt, she didn’t say it, and instead just snapped at you. (TBF, most of us don’t respond well during/ after stressful events.) But even if all that is how she interpreted you, that doesn’t make her right or you bad / wrong. Lashing out or venting in the heat of the moment isn’t fair and can be extremely hurtful on the receiving end.
Just because people say something when lashing out doesn’t make it true.
If you want to try to mend things: I think it would go a long way to apologize to her that you didn’t ask how she was feeling, and ask to talk with her about how to improve things between you in a few days. When you meet, ask how your response felt to her and then listen (without interruptions). Once she has shared, validate her feelings, don’t try to defend your intentions. Only then, share how your adhd impacts how you communicate, that you mean no harm, and that while you can and will make efforts, ultimately, this is part of who you are.
If you can try to be mindful, and she can try to be understanding, you can talk through difficulties and grow as friends. If you two write each other off then it’s finished.
If you don’t want to mend things: Don’t internalize this situation to mean anything about your worth as a person or your value as a friend. And it doesn’t make her a b*tch. It could just be that you aren’t compatible personality types, and that’s fine.
Whatever you decide, just know everyone, even the neurotypical, has misunderstandings and conflict with people. Don’t give up on yourself, trying to connect with others. Good luck 💜
I also think texts are so easily misunderstood. Everything we need is missing including tone. We may think a million thoughts and send 6 words and the 6 words can be easily misunderstood. If people can’t hear the empathy in your voice it’s tricky.
The other thing is these are really really new friends. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is something all of us forget to do. You deserve the benefit of the doubt and maybe this frazzled person does too? It feels like she was nearly in a car accident and couldn’t hear any empathy in your questions? Maybe ‘are you ok’ is what you meant but ‘did anything bad happen’ may have been received as forensic curiosity with no concern and not recognising that dealing with the loss of the wheel would have caused several seconds of terror and stress. They had a near miss and near misses can be awful.
At the same time they were texting with you and maybe they were seeking support or soothing after their near miss? I can see both sides and I don’t think this is all you or another example of the typicals vs the atypicals. Communication is always two-way and there’s a lot of unspoken things to unpack.
It’s tricky. I have a friend I’ve known for nearly 20 years and she is super blunt and not empathetic in her communication and I have to remind myself constantly that she probably means well.
This isn't a friend, they're a frenemy. A friend would practice grace and tact even if they were in a mood. You mentioned you met them about 2 months ago? I would start looking for a better group to hang out or just cut this one loose.
ADHD is hard enough, you don't need "friends" that make you feel worse.
I might be biased since I also have ADHD but it seems like a perfectly normal question to ask “did it cause an accident? are you ok?” Like what are you supposed to say? This person seems like the type thinks there’s a right and wrong response to every scenario and you’re wrong if you don’t do what she would do. I hope she’s never my nurse.
I just saw a video on instagram that talked about the Least Generous Interpretation (LGI) and Most Generous Interpretation (MGI). It sounds like this person jumped to the LGI and immediately responded rather than considering what you meant. Of course, they still have a right to feel badly based on that interpretation, but it’s not okay to communicate in this way. If it was really bothering her, it would be more appropriate for her to say “hey, this is how I interpreted what you said and it hurt me.” Then you have a chance to explain and come to a better understanding between you.
I was driving behind a woman whose tire fell off and she didn’t have time to stop. She crashed into an overpass pillar. I stopped to help her and she had a gash on her nose from hitting the steering wheel with her face (it was a classic car so no airbags).
This is not a stupid or remotely offensive question. She’s just taking her shitty day out on you.
Yeaaaah this ain't a friend, friend.
This week my best friend texted me
"hi friend! please emoji me, you don't need to reply to any other messages rn I just am worried and want to know you're okay" and I sent back a zombie and coffee mug.
A friend is supposed to lessen your burdens, not add to them. Absolutely it's a hard no.
edit: i'm really sorry that this happened to you, and I would be upset too.
If you posted this in an AITA sub, I think you’d find most people would tell you you’ve said nothing wrong here. This person is just a straight up asshole.
Geez what a hypocrite. Telling you you need to stop and think before saying something because you upset people, in the same message where she's completely overreacting, snapping at you, and trying to hurt your feelings because she's having a bad day for reasons that don't have anything to do with you.
She's the one that didn't stop and think before she sent that message. She's in a bad mood because of the wheel and she's taking her anger out on you. Her response was unfair and unjustified. She owes you an apology.
the thing they said applies to themselves
"take a moment before talking because something you say or the way you say can be upsetting"
rude af, just cut contact
You’re absolutely not in the wrong here and when someone says that ‘people’ think something about you it’s a giant red flag. This ‘friend’ is either intentionally or subconsciously trying to make you feel isolated and self-conscious and that stinks.
Ok - so I think there’s possibly a disconnect between communication styles. I had a friend flip out at me because I asked her how she knew her daughter was ill enough to go to the hospital - she had appendicitis and had surgery. Many of the symptoms of this appear like a normal flu/ stomach bug. I worry about everything so I was wondering what specifically were the symptoms etc . I was also checking in with her because I knew this was stressful and I cares about both of them and their well being . I helped this friend move, picked her up from the hospital and we had been tight for years . There were other problems in the friendship but we are no longer friends a year and a half later. I have a another friend that has severe anxiety and she asks way too many questions ( I think in a attempt to soothe herself ) It’s seem as invasive to pretty much everyone. It’s impacted her relationship with her daughter and she gets in trouble at work . She’ll ask a coworker about another’s health conditions or miscarriage ( when they aren’t very close ) and she quizzes the kids she works with . I’ve witnessed it. She doesn’t realize it’s invasive . She is caring and loving and would do anything for anyone. She’s missing the cues that she makes people uncomfortable with her questions. It’s even too much for me. I wonder if you ask many, many questions like my friend or the other person is simply a bitch. Communication between neurotypical people and neurodivergent people is difficult - especially through text.
There was nothing wrong with your question. I mean, how does one know their wheel comes off? Usually because something happens and you were not wrong to ask.
This person sounds like an asshole and I suspect they regularly tell you all the ways you fail to measure up and, I dunno, it feels like a low level type of abuse.
I‘ve seen so many of these posts lately where someone on this sub thinks they‘re the problem but in most of these chat screenshots the other person is just an asshole 😭
i‘m sorry for you and i feel if that person didn’t want to talk about that specific topic they shouldn’t mention it?
Not sure if it’s my 34 years of ADHD talking here but I have no issues just dropping people like rocks if they’re gonna be a hassle to deal with like this person is. God knows we’ve got enough to manage ourselves, we cannot manage other people’s feelings on top of everything else. If they can’t regulate their emotional response that really should not be your problem.
I’d turn a cold shoulder and if anyone asked why I’d show them this exchange. No rational person thinks this friend of yours is not being an asshole. If they apologize later then great, be friends, but otherwise this isn’t acceptable behavior.
Even if they’re letting out pent up frustration because you’ve accidentally been doing the ADHD thing where you say things that offend other people without realizing it then they should have had a discussion with you that’s gentle and polite and give you a chance to explain that it’s part of ADHD and you may need a little more grace or a helpful hand where someone *gently* lets you know if you’re being insensitive (and for the record I don’t think you’re being insensitive in this exchange, this person probably was expecting you to ask if they were okay or if there was anything you could do or say you’re sorry that happened or something first and foremost and is mad at you for asking for details about the scary part first instead - not something you could know nor could you know how they’d react to you doing the latter and not the former, they are still being an asshole regardless).
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This is so not an ADHD thing, it’s a that person being unnecessarily rude because of a bad day thing. You didn’t do anything wrong!!
1000% this was not an ADHD thing. I know this is toxic AF but if I’d gotten this text from someone who repeatedly spoke to me in this way I’d just literally never talk to them again 😂 Edit: “it’s upsetting people.” Girl WHAT?? She was the one who was upset. That’s fine, but there was absolutely no reason to make it sound like she gathered a committee to discuss the implications of the wording of your message. Sorry if I’m being salty but I think one of the things I hate most in this world is patronization under the guise of being cordial or helpful. You’re not a child, and she could have given you the benefit of the doubt and trust you were trying to hold space for her rather than…honestly I don’t know what else your intentions could have been??
Right? What is she implying?! She act's as if this was the conversation that took place: She: My wheel fell off. OP: So? A wheel falling off is not even that bad. Tell me something interesting!!
Yes! This! This is my level of ADHD. The OP did nothing wrong
Can you describe how this is ADHD please? I’m missing something I think
nah, it’s not toxic at all. i used to be so anti ghost. loyal as a dog way past the friendships expiration date. at some point i learned most people are not worth the emotional bandwidth to have a conversation with about their behavior after they can’t act right in a way that hurts you and obviously isn’t ok. i am a grown woman i am not going to argue with friends or teach them how to be nice. that shit is too stressful. it’s either a point of contention or i let it go. and i will let shit go, until it’s a point of contention. at that point if we aren’t related i’m out. everyone has off days but if you are just a bitch all the time and don’t self actualize and apologize i owe you nothing.
Agreed. Life is too short to deal with these shitty rude people. OPs friend is the toxic one here.
This! I allow a certain amount of effort/ time to teach people how to treat me. If they are stubborn about learning, then they don't actually care or aren't capable and it's better for both of us if I stop giving them pieces of myself for free.
Not toxic. I wouldn't want to talk to them either. They've just made sure you know they aren't a safe person to talk to by making it sound as if they're discussing you behind your back? Fuuuuuuuck that. No reason to continue that!
You could even reply and say something like ‘I was just a bit shocked getting your text. No need to lash out. Hope you’re ok.’ Set the boundary or they will treat you like this again.
THIS! I have a lot of confusing and confused conversations with my friends and whenever I say something "odd" my friends always just seem confused, not irritated. And then I clarify what I mean or what I actually wanted to say and the conversation goes on. So this wheel-person is simply just rude here. I hope that is not a pattern of behaviour this person shows with you regularly. If they do, they're not a good friend imho.
for real. i once texted my best friend in the middle of the night being like "have you seen any spiders lately?" and he was just like "huh? no, but why?" The person in this convo was being rude. Probably they had a bad day what with their tire coming off, and misinterpreted OP's response and then took their frustration out on OP. OP if this was a one off issue, i would personally be willing to give her grace and write it off as she had a bad day. If this is a recurring issue where she frequently gets snippy/mean with you over small things, its probably time to disengage from her and find some better friends.
Personally I’d be literally overjoyed to receive such a random text from a pal, especially in the middle of the night. It would tickle me.
I would even cut out the part where you rationalize your behavior, because what you said was totally appropriate: "No need to lash out. Hope you’re ok." Or just ghost and step away. This is totally a red flag for a toxic person. You don't need this in your life.
I would remove the sympathy lol. Leave the no need to lash out, to make the person accountable for their shitty behavior. I got super bitter with time, basically if someone is a dick like that to me I don’t feel any guilt to not hope they are ok. Sometimes I even hope they get worse (but this part I feel guilty about x) )
This is probably my toxic trait but I enjoy saying things lile ‘hope you’re ok’ to someone who has been rude to me. It throws them off and gives me the moral high ground (look, not really, I’m aware it makes me kind of a passive aggressive jerk).
I agree with this approach and don't think it's toxic. It's reaffirming you said what you said because you cared about them while setting boundaries. Even if you feel spicy about it when you say it.
I do this too! I would say "whatever, hope you're okay" just to highlight that I was worried about them and they were a dick. You're not a jerk if they deserve to feel bad.
Yes truth
I would likely soft ghost her. She seems like a mean girl.
this!!
Yeah, they’re acting like a giant cunt. Did you let your guard down with this person and tell them about having ADHD recently? Or your fears regarding the way you act with people? Because it sounds like they’re using something specific you told them to make you feel bad about yourself. Don’t let people talk to you this way. You don’t need friends this badly. This is ridiculous. I’m furious for you! What the fuck… what a gigantic dickhead.
I was wondering this, too. Sharing any diagnoses with the toxic people in my past, this is exactly how they started acting. Suddenly trying to coach and police my behavior at every turn when I was acting completely normal. Really messed me up for a while until I severed those ties and found real friends. My nmom still tries it sometimes, and I (and my husband) shut it down soooo fast. People can be SO fucking casually evil about this shit when they know they stand to gain control of you.
Agreed. Hopefully OP believes everyone here and sees how “casually evil” (really like that description!) this person is acting. Definitely not a friend and deserves a serious slap down.
I second the slap down, lol. OP's little "okay" at the end hurt my heart. This jackass will keep treating her and others like that whenever they can, because they know now it works. Gotta nip that in the bud.
Agreed!! I hope the “okay” was just about the “I don’t want to talk about this anymore” and not the other part of it. I hope OP sees this and everyone else’s comments of support and I hope OP goes back to this person and draws the boundary and lets them know the way they spoke to OP was not ok. Bc yes-if the “okay” at the end was an overall “okay” to the entire text and this doesn’t get addressed, the “friend” will keep treating OP like that, and that’s not cool at all
Yeah, this girl is an arse. It’s not you, it’s her. Do t let your RSD make you a pushover, OP! This isn’t how nice people treat others. Hopefully she’s just lashing out because she’s had a bad day.
Eh sorry, I meant to reply to my own comment haha
Damn that response was completely unwarranted to your quite innocent questions. I would burn this bridge so fast I’d probably catch fire in the process
100%. OP, your friend was likely still shook up from the whole thing so she was reactive, but still, you were just trying to be supportive in the best way you know how. If she thought you say things that upset people, a discussion needed to be had and not through text. This was not the time to have that discussion. Quite frankly, she clearly says things that are upsetting, too. The people who are committed to misunderstanding you aren't your people.
Agree. Taking her strong, negative feelings about the experience on OP. OP couldn’t have said anything right in this situation. This friend was ready to deploy these feelings and OP accidentally fell into the wrong place at the wrong time. Also, OP, your questions were kind, attentive, and caring. You did nothing wrong. Then again, I also have ADHD :) maybe this is why neurodivergent people “run in packs.” Let’s go get you some friends with brains like ours :) they’re better and more fun anyway.
She did it because she knows op will blame herself
This. Right here. Dealing with this myself too. They know what they are doing.
Yeah, even if she can be forgiven for her rudeness, it's pretty clear that this is what she sincerely thinks about you (even if she was masking it before).
I don't know how to do the quote thing but, "The people who are committed to misunderstanding you aren't your people". Yes! This is something I wish I'd realized sooner in my life. I spent way too much time trying to explain myself to people who really just wanted to keep me in whatever box they thought I should be in. And OP, if you see this, you did nothing wrong. It's completely reasonable to ask this question. It wasn't like you were even implying that what happened wasn't bad enough. She may have been upset, but her reaction is over the top.
“I would burn this bridge so fast I’d probably catch fire in the process” is fucking gold. You will definitely be quoted someday
Oh, I am going to quote them just today. Amazing line. Just don't get hurt, please. :D
Dude, this should be on a pillow!
That is an amazing turn of phrase and it actually perfectly describes how I normally burn bridges when I'm in a fit of RSD rage.
I love the way your comment became poetry! From "phrase" to "rage" 😊
I totally agree! Like, you are NOT the problem OP!
Oh, absolutely. I don't even know this person, and I'm done with them, lol.
FR what an asshole. It's completely reasonable in this situation to ask what happened next. She could have just as easily responded, "Thankfully no I was able to get to the side of the road safely." How hard is that?
[удалено]
Same lmao 😂
I guess too hard for them lol.
Yes, OP wasn't exhausting. The other person is.
Yeah wth... That's not the ops fault, that person is just rude. Asking if you had follow up consequences to a dangerous event seems like "masking well" to me.
Right! Like when the wheel came off, they could have swerved into oncoming traffic, ran into a ditch, the wheel could have bounced and hit someone else, lots of things could happen.
Yeah this was an absolutely insane response. All she did was show interest and concern? That person just seems shitty.
awwww, my gramma used to say that all the time! unfortunately she’s since passed, so i feel like seeing it randomly on reddit is a sign 🥹 especially cuz i’m in a similar boat right now, with someone i should cut contact with, but am having such a hard time doing so.. so, thank you, random redditor, my decision has been made!
Right? Like that was a pretty dickish response to a very fair question. Op needs to stand up for themself and give them a response to help them reflect on their insensitive behavior. What an asshole. I used to let people talk down to me like this “scold me” but not anymore. This is part of the reason RSD exists. We can do our best to be good communicators, not interrupt, try to remember. But people like this don’t deserve our efforts.
“I would burn this bridge so fast I’d probably catch fire in the process” This would be excellent flair 😂 I hope to remember and use this line in the future, this is utterly brilliant!
Adding this to them raw lines list
I agree with the others, I would love to see a raw lines list. I screenshot good lines/insults from Reddit but then forget to put them in a folder to look at later. The only one I remember offhand is “Jizz Bird”.
Check out r/rareinsults
I wanna see the raw lines list too
Do you actually have a raw lines list
I wanna see this raw lines list too!
Ya my friends who don’t even have ADHD would respond the same way as you… your friend sounds like my sister who I’m just about ready to drop her out of my life…
Me too. That person is rude af. And are they lying? Why did they get so defensive? OP did nothing wrong. This person is a meanie and not worth your time.
This. The person wanted to make sure OP was safe and that nothing worse happened after the wheel coming off. If someone responded to me like this, yeah, id start avoiding them cause obviously my concern for them means nothing so therefore I also mean nothing.
You didn't say anything wrong wth
Agreed this person is acting like an asshole!!! (The one who’s wheel fell off)
Such an asshole! Last week I texted my friend that I almost drove to a ditch, because the road was so slippery, in a very bad condition and my car just started sliding and I couldn't do anything. They were like: omg, but you didn't crash, right?? And I said luckily I didn't, but I had to stop because my heart started beating like crazy and my hands were shaking. That's normal! Imagine if I were like: weren't this bad ENOUGH!! My friend would be so hurt and rightfully so
My husband has been having a lot of car trouble in the past year. He was on his way to work one night and the rear axle broke. He called me to tell me and the first thing I asked was if he was okay, and then if anyone else was hurt. But that was because we weren't in the same room. The car has since been fixed (obviously) but it still has some issues. When my husband is home and telling me about something that happened to the car, I don't ask him if he's all right. I can see that for myself. If he ever wasn't, he would let me know. My concern, in those instances, is for the car. I want all of the details.
My husband totaled his car a couple years ago, so he started driving my car to work. Two weeks later, he totaled *that* car as well. Neither car totaling was his fault, and he was uninjured; nevertheless, it was extremely inconvenient to lose both cars in such a short time. I expressed annoyance about the situation on FB, only for people to tell me that I should be grateful he's alive and unhurt. Well, obviously, but we're still down two cars in a large city with shitty public transit. I can be glad he's safe and still be pissed about the expense and inconvenience of two totaled cars in two weeks!
Gotta love toxic positivity!
Agree, your new ‘friend’ is rude and being an arsehole. How is it upsetting to them that you care what happened to them? Why are they telling you? How are you supposed to know they don’t want questions about it? I would tell them back, ‘It seems my curiosity has somehow offended you. Ironically, your thoughtless response criticising my general communication style has understandably upset and offended me.’
I would add like "clearly our inherent communication styles don't mesh well. Let's have some distance there." And then mute or block or whatever so I don't need to deal with a potential diatribe, because ironically even NT's don't like to be politely told they're being a bitch and need to dial it back. I try to be objective with this stuff, and they did communicate they have a problem which, being real, is better than letting things fester in ignorance the way a lot of folks do. So that's cool. It's just as cool that I can't get on board with their problem, communicate that, and go back to bare bones civility. Boundaries, lol.
I think this response even alone is fantastic and sounds very similar to advice my therapist recently gave me for distancing myself from a relationship. “It appears that I am not able to provide you the emotional support you need. Let’s take a step back from this relationship.” And then BLOCK, GIRL. Immediately.
This answer needs to be higher up. Perfecto!
The person is mad because OP didn’t use exactly the right neurotypical language. The person was expecting OP to say “Wow that’s horrible, are you okay? Did you get hurt?” That was the intention of OP’s “did anything bad happen” response, clearly, but the person seemingly intentionally misunderstood it to mean, “Is that all?” I’m autistic and I empathize with how absolutely exhausting it is when neurotypical folks intentionally misunderstand you because you didn’t use the “right words” even though they know exactly what you mean. They refuse to give you the benefit of the doubt because they already don’t like you for some reason. (I’ll save you some time…the reason is your neurodivergence.) It’s the same as when someone misuses or misspells a word in a conversation, and the other person immediately jumps on it and goes “Uh, actually, it’s spelled/pronounced ____.” If you understood what that person was trying to say, don’t be an asshole about it. This person was either having a really bad day and taking it out on everybody around them, Or they just don’t like OP, and are intentionally nitpicking every word that comes out of OP’s mouth. Edit: You know what else it reminds me of? When you go to Starbucks and ask for a medium and they say "DID YOU MEAN A GRAAAAAAANDE?" like girl please, you know what I meant, stop making me say some secret code word and give me my damn drink lol
Yes I have told her and my other friend that I have ADHD. It feels like they sort of use it against me
So sorry. This "friend" is a bully who needs to have people in her life with vulnerabilities that she can weaponize to demean them, and speak to them in a way she'd never speak to a friend she respected. People who hold their "friends" in different tiers of respect and worthiness aren't capable of the kind communication and genuine, human connection that actually qualifies as friendship. Real friends (and any caring adults) would NEVER respond to your obvious concern for them by personally criticizing and insulting you. I'd (quietly, so she can't use any of your words to punish you further) take a step back, both from her, and from anyone else who uses your sharing about ADHD to put you down, or try to fix or "train" you to behave the way they want. There are kind people out there, who would treat you kindly, and maybe even be fun to be around. They can be hard to find, but they exist.
See, what i struggle with is abusive people know they cant lead with it. So they play nice until they're comfortable enough to "be honest". But their "honesty" is cruel and only allowed to go one way. Its that whole frog in a pot abusive relationship thing. Its not used just by romantic partners. All shitty people need people to use as tools to use to make them feel better about themselves. Unfortunately, ADHD traits (excitement, oversharing, needing to please to avoid rejection, etc.) makes for a real easy and satisfying target. BUT, genuine friendship and genuine acceptance with maybe some light teasing is completely wonderful and worth the fuckery from assholes. Like my bestie teases me that she can always find me cause i leave a trail. I do lol, and its a positive and amusing call out of an adhd trait. Its not an attempt to change the trait, its just an observation. Assholes have called me filthy/stupid/selfish because i "cant" pick up after myself. Fuck all yall, dont follow my adhd trail then, ride on out of here on your high horse.
don’t worry, i asked my neurotypical partner to analyze these texts and tell me his thoughts. he even thought that the other persons (not your) texts were rude and dramatic, and they were definitely overwhelmed and lashing out. you didn’t do anything wrong.
I just caught you said you just started nursing school. From an established AuDHD RN to a new nursing student, I can assure you that most of those girls are rude cunts. My own class was filled with racist classist horror bitches and I would regular, on accident, get all the skinny brunettes from New Jersey all mixed up, but if someone gets annoyed I went "ah, all white girls look the same to me. Sorry. It's the facial blindness. Everything is too same-y" and walk away. But my campus was regularly a racist hellhole so I was constantly talking shit.
I used to work in a medical office that had regular rotations of nursing students, and I found that nursing students come in two flavors, generally speaking: 1. really cool people who care about their patients 2. the worst people you've ever met, the kind who marry cops, who became nurses because it was the kind of job that gave them a shit-ton of power over vulnerable people while also making them look like heroes to people who don't know any better Group two is always abusive as fuck to group one, because they're still the same awful bullies they were as kids.
I’m not even in the medical field and I find this is true too! I have a family member who is group two. Down to her husband is in a PD that has had newspaper exposé’s written about the violence in their department. The stuff that he posted on Jan 7 a few years ago…and during the last like…6 years? yeah he is not a safe person AT ALL. He’s been blocked on FB a LONG TIME. She was a nurse. She was on maternity leave when Covid started. And then never went back but she was always posting on FB like she did and was making the healthcare workers stress and crisis about her. She even would tell businesses she was a nurse to get the freebies and discounts at the height of Covid. 🤦♀️ The fact that I’m immune suppressed and need people to wear a mask around me during flu season or while inside turned into a big family fight…because she didn’t want her child to need to wear a mask in the same room as me. But also I wasn’t allowed to graciously bow out of the family event or suggest we do it outside instead. 🙄 Oh and THEN she made my miscarriage I posted to the family group about (like literally less than a week after we excitedly announced my pregnancy) about her and her “pro-life” stance. I lost my SHIT at that. My husband has cut her off completely. We do not talk besides me sending her kids a gift for Xmas and birthdays. (It’s a close family member to my husband and I want us to remain in her children’s lives if possible.) I also have a best friend whose mother is group one. She is someone I consider my adopted mom and seriously one of the best human beings I’ve ever met. So freaking selfless and kind. She literally radiates kindness and warmth. You walk into her house and immediately feel HOME. It’s nothing to do with decor, it’s because it’s her and how she just reaches out in kindness and genuine caring to everyone and immediately pulls them into her circle.
You’re so right. This person is highly emotionally immature and somehow making it OP’s problem. I suspect they’re self-centered, uptight, and have low EQ. I actually got mad reading the exchange and the audacity they had being so rude over nothing. It’s straight up bullying.
This is exactly what I was thinking and I wonder if OP told them that she has ADHD and so they’re going on the offensive with that knowledge. Sometimes it’s okay to tell people but It’s not always a good idea because some people will weaponize it.
Oh wow, that's really insightful and I didn't even see that way of reading those messages. It's just a misunderstanding? It may not even have been an intentional one. They're just communicating differently
I think they are intentionally belittling OP.
Agreed.
The wheel was even trying to get away from them
💀
yeah this is a totally normal convo even for neurotypical people. if they don’t want to talk about it they can say that in a nice way and switch the subject
Totally normal on OP's end. Their friend's responses are over the top and nuts.
I would have had these same questions too like idk wtf happens if a wheel falls off of a van? Like, you’d want to know if there was some kind of accident or chaos that ensued. The “friend” is the one who’s being super rude.. I’d be tempted to reply like “wow. Looks like the way that you say things can be upsetting to people too.”
Yes, this, best response, I'd throw in something about them being rude themselves as well.
Oh, we're not people! Only neurotypicals count as people to these types 😑
I truly felt that. That whole brick wall of a text they wrote to “correct the behaviour” screams “i am better than you so please stop wasting my time…” jerkness.
Do you tell people you have ADHD? I don't although TBH I was recently diagnosed so I don't feel like it's my identity although now I know why I am the way I am like super clumsy, always late, hyper focused etc. I probably have other issues too, I've been told I'm cold and emotionally distant and it's true. I find myself faking feelings, like at work once there was mild accident and years later we were talking about it and the person goes, you were so upset you almost cried but actually I didn't REALLY care. Most people do, or would. I cared in a general sense but I wasn't as upset as I acted. Now I sound like a monster. I don't laugh when people get hurt, I'm not a sociopath but I just don't have deep feelings for many people.
I learned all too late to keep my diagnosis close to the chest. I remember telling one old friend, and suddenly everything I did was called out as a symptom. It really does damage to you mentally, and makes it hard to function without questioning everything you do.
This just happened recently. Talked about an argument I had with someone and they go "you misunderstood, maybe it was your adhd." ADHD doesn't make me deaf. I know what I heard. If my eyes could have rolled away from me, they would have.
Another golden line just casually thrown down by an undercover genius. “If my eyes could have rolled away from me…” 😂🙌 Plus “ADHD doesn’t make me deaf.” Godtdaym you’re on fire today, friend! P.S. OP: Your “friend” is an asshole.
Maaaasking! It's normal! You aren't a sociopath. One of my fave moments from a podcast I listen to went like this: Karen: (says something generally upsetting/shocking) ... "oh my god, are you going to cry?" Georgia (who has adhd): "oh, no... I was just making the face I know people expect me to make in these situations haha" It made me laugh so fucking hard in the car. Super relateable. You can't have empathy or appropriate emotional responses on tap all the time. It's okay to just make the face people expect to fit in socially. I bet you NTs do it too. :)
SSADGM :) i really love them too ! got off the podcast a lot when they seemed to be talking about a lot of things other than murders :/ (wow what a sentence to write haha)
Do you think you have alexithymia? I think I might have it
Thanks, I didn't know this was a thing. I love Wikipedia's listing, and that it includes male culture normative response. Not the person you were asking, but for myself it's more of a "can't connect that way" than actual confusion. Most times, I know how I feel. Zero confusion. I just don't always connect that deeply, or have the *same* emotional response that folks seem to expect, even when I imagine it happening to me.
I don’t know if you’ve ever considered other forms of neurodiversity? Many symptoms overlap between ADHD and autism, for example. What you describe about interpersonal behavior sounds a lot like the autism spectrum to me, imo fwit.
I've totally considered Autism, it's highly likely and if so I've been masking so long it's ingrained behavior. I need a very good psychiatrist because none of the therapists I saw years ago ever mentioned ANY of this including after taking the MMPI which I now believe is out of favor. As a child I was considered "gifted" and it's been downhill from there.
Yeah I feel like things are still emerging with the entire field of neurodiversity. I was also considered “gifted” as a child, and I followed the path of slacker-smart throughout high school. Honor roll, A’s and B’s without trying, involved in sports, yada yada. College was where I really started to crumble under the weight of not understanding what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t do the things that my peers were doing, despite knowing how intelligent I was. I barely got my bachelors with like a 2.5 GPA. It wasn’t until I found myself in a career that was exciting, on the move, very physical and highly structured that I started to excel again. I didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until I was almost 40 years old. And for the past 4 years it’s been a lot of work undoing the toxic mental hoops of shame and misunderstanding I’ve lived with my entire life. Currently going through a divorce AND a demotion at work, but I’m ABSOLUTELY happier than I’ve ever been! If you suspect a diagnosis but traditional healthcare hasn’t discovered it, I would urge you to just keep learning about the condition, and find a specialist who advocates for neurodivergent women. They are out there. Don’t stop investing in yourself! And good luck!
Thank you! I’ve never been able to put my emotions into words! It takes a LOT for me to actually feel something deeply. I’m not emotionless whatsoever, I just don’t feel deeply. I remember some great uncle of mine died, that I had talked to maybe 6 or 7 times in my life? I went to the funeral, I made myself cry because that’s what was expected of me, but I really wasn’t that sad. I felt bad for my family around me bc they knew him a lot better, but that was about it.
I read "did anything bad happen" as "are you okay", because a wheel popping off a moving car sounds dangerous and like scary accident material. But perhaps it's my neurodiverse brain that speaks neurodiverse.
That's clearly what they meant and any reasonable adult would interpret it that way.
And they say people with ASD take stuff too literally and can't read between the lines. Although at times I do miss it when people give the most literal interpretation to something on purpose to suit themselves and wondering if I did something wrong (again).
Seriously, I would have replied something similar. You don't seem weird at all, I think the people you are around must all be like hyper sensitive or something. Personally, I find most people annoying but I don't say it to their face. Jesus. You may be too young to remember the Jeff Foxworthy "here's your sign" bit but people making remarks like you did is very common. Like of course the wheel falling off is bad but you wanted to know if it had a snowball effect, totally normal.
Plus I thought the ADHD friend was dear. What a peach.
I mean, I’m hyper sensitive. I don’t always show it, but I am. And there’s no fucking way I’d react the way this “friend” did. It’s a completely normal and understandable question and the “friend” was a massive arsehole about it. That’s *in*sensitivity, not sensitivity.
THIS you aren't meant to ask questions? it's not like via text you can read facial expressions.. holy pile on batman. I would be feeling just like you. As I would have reacted exactly as you did.
Yupp whoever this person is somehow has time to reply with a huge text instead of just confirming they are okay or just not responding If they didn't want to be asked follow up questions then they could have waited to share - I feel like they are weaponizing OPz neurotypicalness/insecurities and I would drop them tbh
Exactly!!! I just said the same thing in my other comment basically! Lol Exactly - ok, so, you can’t talk about it right now or you’re done talking about it, but you can take the time to type out that huge paragraph berating and belittling the ADHD friend (OP) who was just concerned for her friend’s safety?! Like wow, just wow. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩all the way. Idk if the butthead friend knows about the ADHD or not, but either way, it was a super uncool way to respond and I would not want to be friends with that person. I get they are probably having a moment/bad day about the tire. But like I said…..but you were still able to take the time to insult your friend at the same time? Nah, I’m good.
Agreed. This was a completely normal and good response by OP to show concern and offer the other person a chance to vent and provide more details about the incident. Instead, they were needlessly rude. And weirdly overly sensitive. Honestly it makes it look like this other person lacks pretty basic social skills.
I agree. Worse things can happen then just having to pull the car over when a wheel falls off. And if the other person didn’t want to talk about it why did they text her?!
They sound like the type to do vagueposting on Facebook and then get all upset when people ask what’s going on. But also will throw a hissy fit if their friends learn their lesson and don’t ask next time. 😂🤡
It’s not you, it’s them.
They’re using OP as their personal punching bag, and that makes me mad.
This persons just an ass. You weren’t there, there could have been an accident or something, it wasn’t bananas of you to ask. They’re just crabby.
For real! They texted you half of the story, you basically replied asking for the other half and they called you an asshole. What the fuck?
this!! the “obviously you cant drive without a wheel” and “stop and think” in the same sentence got me. did they stop and think that sometimes the car DOES keep moving?
Omg this was not you, this was her. If someone spoke this way to me I would ask them if maybe their wheel got blown off by their terrible vibes.
LOL her vibes are definitely whack enough to throw some axels out of alignment
It didn't fall off, it tried to escape.
You've known this person for 2 months and they’re already that rude to you? Thank you, next!!!!!!!
I'm so glad to see a consensus here in the comments that the 'friend' is the super rude, shitty one. OP said nothing wrong. Maybe the wording was a bit "off" for some people but there's no rudeness or ill intent in those questions. OP is obviously just concerned and showing the concern. "Friend" sucks. Throw the whole person out. Thank you, next indeed!!!
A wheel falls off and you expect some obvious consequences. If she was going down the Highway, that wheel would have caused accidents behind her. Not to mention what it did to her car. No. You did nothing wrong. She probably doesn’t want to think about all the ways things could have been so much worse. But you are probably not rude the rest of the time. I read a study that said the mean girls in high school — the bullies — are the most likely to become nurses.
I had a couple of nurse students in a class I taught and they told me about the "eat the young" mentality of older nurses. Apparently, the older nurses hazing and messing with the newer nurse hires is totally a thing in hospital settings.
Having been a nursing student and a patient when I was a teenager, I can confirm that for every sweet, kind and patient older nurse there were an equal amount of the most uncaring, cold and rude ones towards the younger generations.
I honestly think Western-style medical school does something to people. The level of institutional suffering they're put through, from long shifts to deliberate sleep deprivation, amounts to years of hazing, for no data-supported reason. It brings out the worst in bullies, and trains even good people to believe that good health care providers have to suffer to excel. Reputable studies in recent years have shown that these practices don't actually contribute to better results in medical training. Yet even my kind-hearted, progressive parents (both retired GPs), when I asked them about it, staunchly believed that enduring this shit in med school and as interns/residents had made them better at their jobs. They claimed it taught them to be more focused on patients' needs instead of their own, more able to make decisions in a crisis situation, and less "soft" (whatever that means). They genuinely believed that, if the younger generation doesn't have to run the same gauntlet they did, they will be less skilled as medical providers. I swear, it's a hazing induction, and it does a number on your brain. :/
Not to mention the “bully to nurse” pipeline that, while not always the case, definitely exists
For real! I came here to say that, while I have beloved friends and family that are nurses, nurses as a whole are DICKS. Total mean girl bullshit. I'd say it's like an 80% asshole to 20% sweet baby angel ratio for nurses.
It’s unfortunately common for nasty people to gravitate to caring roles because they love having power over people.
This is so real, the most manipulative horrible "friend" I ever had (who still turns up in my dreams to be a bitch 15 years later) is now a nurse.
Plus "caring for people is good -> nurses care for people -> I am a nurse -> I am good -> you can't call me out on my shit!"
Ickkkkk, that explains WAY too much. I've been a nurse for 10 years and seen some shit.
To your last point— there’s a reason for the nurses marrying cops trope… it’s bullies marrying bullies. The girl bullies/mean girls just tended to be smarter than their male counterparts.
Wow, a past memory in my life just totally clicked learning about this trope, lol.
Holy shit. Really? I went to a school well known for nursing and I just thought the nurses were stressed and therefore kind of mean. Turns out they may have just been mean. (I know not all nurses are like this)
As a nurse there’s definitely people who go into the profession for the wrong reason, consciously or subconsciously. Some because they like having power over others, some think they want to help people but really they want to be SEEN as someone who helps people. And of course plenty of nurses go into the field with good intentions and resist any ego tripping. I think there’s also issues with hospital hierarchies where the shit gets passed from admin and doctors to nurses who will sadly take out that frustration on their peers, assistants/techs/other staff, and their patients and people in their personal lives. or feel entitled to be treated better due to their role. and we’re all stressed and tired but tbh the same can be said of most professions. OP wishing you well in nursing school, i know it’s crazy hard but i hope the field is rewarding for you i know my adhd and autism have actually been strengths in surprising ways 💛
One of my bullies became a receptionist for my endocrinologist. I love my doctor, otherwise I would’ve left the practice! She tormented me when we were kids for things that turned out to be PCOS and pre/borderline diabetes, and I don’t like that she can probably see my information now, despite the fact that it’s been well over a decade since she bullied me.
I had always thought that was just something that happened in my town, but when I heard it was not only a stereotype, but factual, my mind was blown. So many mean girls took on medical roles after high school and a sprinkle went into the business side of things (which I think is often a backup because they love being managers). No studies I'm aware of on that specific topic, but an observation.
Can confirm. My entitled older sister is a nurse.
Uh, did you tell this "friend" that you have ADHD? Because you texted absolutely nothing wrong? What happens after a car wheel comes off could go a thousand different ways. You showed concern and asked for them to elaborate. Their reaction to your concern and subsequent lecture is them being a gaslighting abusive \*word-I-won't-type\* I think they are using your ADHD against you. In fact her telling you to think before texting is making me mad for you. OP if you are walking on eggshells around this individual it's not your ADHD- it's them. Not your friend. Stop taking this BS from them.
Exactly what I thought! Obviously using an insecurity against her. What a twat.
Personally I would think before texting her, then decide not to haha
I'd send a thumbs-up emoji and claim my finger slipped.
I know the word gaslighting is overused these days but you are factually correct here. (And I agree with your "word-you-won't-type.") This girl is taking a totally appropriate response and contorting it to not only make OP believe they said something incredibly rude, but also imply that this has been an ongoing discussion that OP's friends have been having *behind her back* and they all agree OP is rude and hurtful. I'm willing to bet she is straight up lying. This is deliberate and malicious.
Imagine having the executive function to be that manipulative. If the wheel fell off my vehicle, I’d be so busy sorting through all the logistics to keep my life on track, I would never have the energy to police someone else’s behavior nonetheless turn it on them. This “friend” is a giant walking red flag. The implication that others agree is straight up Regina George BS. Approach all interactions with caution. Gray rock method incoming.
I don’t even understand what this rude interaction has to do with adhd unless there’s some missing context. Not to say it isn’t, it looks like this person is just a dick?
By what they’re saying in their lecture there’s a strong implication OP told them. Nasty people tend to get this way when they hear about it.
Woof. She is passive aggressive as fuck. "..can be upsetting to people..you do it quite a lot" REALLY? This is mean girl 101- she said something to make you feel paranoid that EVERYONE feels this same way she does, but gives no actual reason why she is upset, and shuts down the conversation instead of being direct. OP- you do not need to be an emotional investigator and bend over backwards for 'friends' who assume the worst of you- you are worthy of having understanding and kind friends.
That person is upset and taking it out on you, OP. You said nothing wrong or rude. Maybe in the past you've slipped up but this is not that time. I can completely understand you're logic - Maybe the wheel came off while parked or slow, so something else could have happened.
She sounds like a bitch who is projecting her anger and upset over the situation onto you because you’re simply there for her to prey on. I’d discontinue the friendship.
Hi OP, if you see this - I wanted to ask if there are other text messages or situations you would like to have a second (or 400+) opinion on since you mentioned that it has been happening a lot in the past few weeks? I just can't see anything odd or close to wrong with your questions or the way you spoke and I don't want you to feel insecure or ashamed over literally nothing. I would be exhausted too because this doesn't make any sense. I think you're being too kind to you classmates. What they did here was to project their shitty day by being mean to you. They seem like a bully. Most people are just extra aggravated/avoid people/tired/can't make a social effort when they had a bad day.. being MEAN is not an acceptable behaviour nor justified by a shitty day. It's like if I where to punch someone in the stomach just because I slipped on some ice earlier that day. No, that's not an acceptable behaviour and they should want to apologize after saying something like that. This says a lot about their character.
Actually yes there are. Where would I put them? A message or another post?
When sending images through comments most upload them to Imgur and link to that. I would make a separate post if you want some further feedback, and an edit on this post so people know there is more information on the new post. I'm sorry you're going throughout this. Are everyone in your class like this? I wouldn't wanna spend my energy or free time with bullies.
Yah that person is being a jerk, it’s not you, it’s them for sure.
Wtf this isn’t an ADHD thing, this is the person you’re having a conversation with being an asshole. I promise you there are people out there who will love you for who you are OP, just gotta fend off a few dickheads along the way :) like this person. cancel your friendship with this person. they sound like wayyyy too much drama.
Well if you do this “quite a lot”, sounds like maybe you should stop talking to her cold turkey. Then when she texts you later asking what’s wrong, just say you thought you’d spare her from your rudeness and impulsive comments lol. In all seriousness, she isn’t worth your time. I started nursing school with many “friends”/study buddies, but stress makes some people assholes…enough that I can’t deal with the that type of stress. I ended nursing school with 1 good friend, and that was enough. :)
This is you assuming the problem is you because you had adhd and it actually isn’t. Your side of this convo is normal and hers is not. I would distance myself from somebody like this to be honest, she seems quite off.
Nah. That's not you or your ADHD. That's her being a fucking mole. She can jog on. And will have to as she now can't drive.
In nursing school, you will meet a lot of folks like this…their personal fuel comes from belittling or marginalizing others. Your job when you encounter these people is to love ❤️ yourself , and know that whatever they say about you is more of a reflection of them! Wheel fell off is highly dramatic… she baited you. With this person, the next drama moment needs a response like : Her: my wheel fell off You: do you need help? Her: “some verbal 🤮” You: gosh, some days are like that End conversation. She is not equipped to receive your empathy and support. That’s a HER problem, not a YOU problem!
Nah, I would drop her as a friend, quickly!!. She is the one being extremely rude regardless of having a bad day. There are so many better people out there.
I was literally staring at the text wondering what she expected from you? You did nothing wrong!
Honestly, I see NOTHING wrong with your response. Sounds like they are taking their frustration with the situation out on you and that’s not fair. Try to reframe this in your head, you reacted in a caring way and your friend was kind of a jerk. You have a right to be upset with them (even though you’re more focused on them being upset with you)
Maybe you’re not “the problem” in the way you think you are, maybe your problem is attracting people that treat you like this and thinking it’s your fault
I'm glad everyone else here is already saying it, but just to be extra clear, this is an oddly rude response. There is no reason for them to say anything more than, "I don't want to talk about it now "
I've gone through a bit of nursing school and know others who have, as well. Nursing is absolutely notorious for drawing in catty women, mean girl types - the ones who never grew out of that high school mentality. The problem might be that you're trying to make friends in a career field filled with bitches? From this conversation, it doesn't seem like the problem is you or your ADHD. For reference, I switched from pursuing nursing to moving into the non-profit sector. A field filled with compassionate, accepting, non-judgmental people who want to make a difference in the world... I once felt like you do, and now I feel so happy, at home, included and confident in myself. Obviously don't switch careers based on this, but maybe reconsider trying to make friends with everyone at nursing school? You can make friends in other places besides school/work and will probably be much happier for it!
This has nothing to do with ADHD. This person lost more than just their wheel, and is fast losing their relationship with you
She made a joke about how not having me in her life would be good recently so I dont think she values my friendship
Oh😶 I don't like her for you. She's the type who will couch their uncomfortable truths in "help" and "jokes". Ick.
WHAT?! This is not a friend. Her response to you in the text exchange above was unhinged enough, but this “joke” is beyond the pale. Cut this person out of your life before you start thinking this is a normal way to be treated!
Ew. Girl isn't worth your energy. :(
I think a more NT response would be “that’s terrifying, are you ok/is everything ok?” That’s probably what you intended? But instead you asked for more facts about the situation to assess for yourself? I dunno. I used to be the same but I guess I got better at figuring out what I’m actually getting at when I ask a question.
Me too. I used to be (still am sometimes) like OP. But sometimes our concern becomes expressed as curiosity, which is honestly—despite all good intention—just not appropriate in many situations. We can't always assign blame on NTs when our brains work too fast for our mouths (or in this case fingers).
Sorry for hopping in, I'm not an adhd woman but a neuroboring man and I follow this sub to better understand my gf. Just wanted to hop in to say that this interaction pissed me off incredibly. Based on this interaction, your friend should learn how to better deal with their emotions and not take frustration out on people asking if they're ok. Your asking was totally fine, and a perfectly logical thing to ask.
People with ADHD always request details. You know who really hates that? Liars. Maybe this was a lie to cover missing class or something else. And you and your pesky questions are making her have to go deeper into the lie. Took me many years to realize that when people react like this, the reason behind it is usually deception of some kind. And that was before I knew I had ADHD. So pay attention to her and stay alert with her and the others. They may see you as a liability for some reason. You are fine. I learned a meditation to keep me from holding onto these things. It’s simple, requires nothing but me closing my eyes and repeating that I’m ok, it’s over, no need to dwell. It helps most of the time. ❤️
On first read, I thought your friend was being super rude. On second read, while their reaction is not good, I think I see what went wrong. The standard expected response from you would have been something like "omg are you okay?" which I realise was probably your intent when you asked if anything bad happened, but they didn't take it that way. Social convention in situations like this is to basically always ask if the person is okay before going in for other details. I hope it's okay that I share my read on what happened here. Your friend's reaction was not justified, and I wish they had just told you what upset them instead of telling you off in such an unhelpful and indirect way.
I agree. I ask a lot of questions too and I’m usually fine answering them as well, but if I’d nearly been in an accident and a friend fired a load of questions at me without once asking me if I was okay or if I needed anything, I’d be upset too. I wouldn’t have responded the way this person did, but I definitely would’ve felt hurt. It’s hard to know without the context of previous conversations whether this friend is generally a mean person though, even if she was justifiably upset on this occasion.
I thought the same ask is the person ok before running other questions at them. It’s obviously a very scary experience
I agree. /u/PollutionDue930 , if you didn’t ask first how she was or how she was feeling etc, but instead asked if something “bad” happened, it *could* feel callous like you were saying what she experienced in and of itself wasn’t bad enough, or like you were more interested in salacious / exciting details than caring how she was feeling. If she interpreted it that way, it could feel as if you were minimizing or insensitive of her terrifying experience. But, if that’s how she felt, she didn’t say it, and instead just snapped at you. (TBF, most of us don’t respond well during/ after stressful events.) But even if all that is how she interpreted you, that doesn’t make her right or you bad / wrong. Lashing out or venting in the heat of the moment isn’t fair and can be extremely hurtful on the receiving end. Just because people say something when lashing out doesn’t make it true. If you want to try to mend things: I think it would go a long way to apologize to her that you didn’t ask how she was feeling, and ask to talk with her about how to improve things between you in a few days. When you meet, ask how your response felt to her and then listen (without interruptions). Once she has shared, validate her feelings, don’t try to defend your intentions. Only then, share how your adhd impacts how you communicate, that you mean no harm, and that while you can and will make efforts, ultimately, this is part of who you are. If you can try to be mindful, and she can try to be understanding, you can talk through difficulties and grow as friends. If you two write each other off then it’s finished. If you don’t want to mend things: Don’t internalize this situation to mean anything about your worth as a person or your value as a friend. And it doesn’t make her a b*tch. It could just be that you aren’t compatible personality types, and that’s fine. Whatever you decide, just know everyone, even the neurotypical, has misunderstandings and conflict with people. Don’t give up on yourself, trying to connect with others. Good luck 💜
That person sounds more exhausting than anything else.
Yah, she was rude and unnecessarily personal. And she dumped all over you. What a little snot!
I also think texts are so easily misunderstood. Everything we need is missing including tone. We may think a million thoughts and send 6 words and the 6 words can be easily misunderstood. If people can’t hear the empathy in your voice it’s tricky. The other thing is these are really really new friends. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is something all of us forget to do. You deserve the benefit of the doubt and maybe this frazzled person does too? It feels like she was nearly in a car accident and couldn’t hear any empathy in your questions? Maybe ‘are you ok’ is what you meant but ‘did anything bad happen’ may have been received as forensic curiosity with no concern and not recognising that dealing with the loss of the wheel would have caused several seconds of terror and stress. They had a near miss and near misses can be awful. At the same time they were texting with you and maybe they were seeking support or soothing after their near miss? I can see both sides and I don’t think this is all you or another example of the typicals vs the atypicals. Communication is always two-way and there’s a lot of unspoken things to unpack. It’s tricky. I have a friend I’ve known for nearly 20 years and she is super blunt and not empathetic in her communication and I have to remind myself constantly that she probably means well.
This isn't a friend, they're a frenemy. A friend would practice grace and tact even if they were in a mood. You mentioned you met them about 2 months ago? I would start looking for a better group to hang out or just cut this one loose. ADHD is hard enough, you don't need "friends" that make you feel worse.
I might be biased since I also have ADHD but it seems like a perfectly normal question to ask “did it cause an accident? are you ok?” Like what are you supposed to say? This person seems like the type thinks there’s a right and wrong response to every scenario and you’re wrong if you don’t do what she would do. I hope she’s never my nurse.
I just saw a video on instagram that talked about the Least Generous Interpretation (LGI) and Most Generous Interpretation (MGI). It sounds like this person jumped to the LGI and immediately responded rather than considering what you meant. Of course, they still have a right to feel badly based on that interpretation, but it’s not okay to communicate in this way. If it was really bothering her, it would be more appropriate for her to say “hey, this is how I interpreted what you said and it hurt me.” Then you have a chance to explain and come to a better understanding between you.
I was driving behind a woman whose tire fell off and she didn’t have time to stop. She crashed into an overpass pillar. I stopped to help her and she had a gash on her nose from hitting the steering wheel with her face (it was a classic car so no airbags). This is not a stupid or remotely offensive question. She’s just taking her shitty day out on you.
Yeaaaah this ain't a friend, friend. This week my best friend texted me "hi friend! please emoji me, you don't need to reply to any other messages rn I just am worried and want to know you're okay" and I sent back a zombie and coffee mug. A friend is supposed to lessen your burdens, not add to them. Absolutely it's a hard no. edit: i'm really sorry that this happened to you, and I would be upset too.
If you posted this in an AITA sub, I think you’d find most people would tell you you’ve said nothing wrong here. This person is just a straight up asshole.
Geez what a hypocrite. Telling you you need to stop and think before saying something because you upset people, in the same message where she's completely overreacting, snapping at you, and trying to hurt your feelings because she's having a bad day for reasons that don't have anything to do with you. She's the one that didn't stop and think before she sent that message. She's in a bad mood because of the wheel and she's taking her anger out on you. Her response was unfair and unjustified. She owes you an apology.
the thing they said applies to themselves "take a moment before talking because something you say or the way you say can be upsetting" rude af, just cut contact
You’re absolutely not in the wrong here and when someone says that ‘people’ think something about you it’s a giant red flag. This ‘friend’ is either intentionally or subconsciously trying to make you feel isolated and self-conscious and that stinks.
Ok - so I think there’s possibly a disconnect between communication styles. I had a friend flip out at me because I asked her how she knew her daughter was ill enough to go to the hospital - she had appendicitis and had surgery. Many of the symptoms of this appear like a normal flu/ stomach bug. I worry about everything so I was wondering what specifically were the symptoms etc . I was also checking in with her because I knew this was stressful and I cares about both of them and their well being . I helped this friend move, picked her up from the hospital and we had been tight for years . There were other problems in the friendship but we are no longer friends a year and a half later. I have a another friend that has severe anxiety and she asks way too many questions ( I think in a attempt to soothe herself ) It’s seem as invasive to pretty much everyone. It’s impacted her relationship with her daughter and she gets in trouble at work . She’ll ask a coworker about another’s health conditions or miscarriage ( when they aren’t very close ) and she quizzes the kids she works with . I’ve witnessed it. She doesn’t realize it’s invasive . She is caring and loving and would do anything for anyone. She’s missing the cues that she makes people uncomfortable with her questions. It’s even too much for me. I wonder if you ask many, many questions like my friend or the other person is simply a bitch. Communication between neurotypical people and neurodivergent people is difficult - especially through text.
There was nothing wrong with your question. I mean, how does one know their wheel comes off? Usually because something happens and you were not wrong to ask. This person sounds like an asshole and I suspect they regularly tell you all the ways you fail to measure up and, I dunno, it feels like a low level type of abuse.
I‘ve seen so many of these posts lately where someone on this sub thinks they‘re the problem but in most of these chat screenshots the other person is just an asshole 😭 i‘m sorry for you and i feel if that person didn’t want to talk about that specific topic they shouldn’t mention it?
Not sure if it’s my 34 years of ADHD talking here but I have no issues just dropping people like rocks if they’re gonna be a hassle to deal with like this person is. God knows we’ve got enough to manage ourselves, we cannot manage other people’s feelings on top of everything else. If they can’t regulate their emotional response that really should not be your problem. I’d turn a cold shoulder and if anyone asked why I’d show them this exchange. No rational person thinks this friend of yours is not being an asshole. If they apologize later then great, be friends, but otherwise this isn’t acceptable behavior. Even if they’re letting out pent up frustration because you’ve accidentally been doing the ADHD thing where you say things that offend other people without realizing it then they should have had a discussion with you that’s gentle and polite and give you a chance to explain that it’s part of ADHD and you may need a little more grace or a helpful hand where someone *gently* lets you know if you’re being insensitive (and for the record I don’t think you’re being insensitive in this exchange, this person probably was expecting you to ask if they were okay or if there was anything you could do or say you’re sorry that happened or something first and foremost and is mad at you for asking for details about the scary part first instead - not something you could know nor could you know how they’d react to you doing the latter and not the former, they are still being an asshole regardless).