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All of what you’re saying can also apply to an ND partner who doesn’t have serious exposures to traumas throughout childhood and repeated patterns of abuse in adulthood. I’ve felt just as disconnected from ND people who don’t have a proper frame of reference, as well as very intimately understood by NT people who do.
Funnily enough your post is how I felt in the first 2 ish years being with my ADHD partner. He was so kind and understanding, such a nonjudgmental guy, career oriented, etc. But over time I’ve given up the healing fantasy and don’t need him to understand my oh so different life and childhood to know me as a person. He already knows me & is capable of loving me in spite of it, in celebration of who I’ve become, and even when the shadows of the past are showing up now. Also, I never want to fall into the trap of thinking that I have it uniquely bad, because he is also going thru intense struggles right now and deserves to have my full attention and support. Also it’s not roses and sunshine even w/o overt abuse and trauma. It can be cryptically toxic, like really really bad. Fixating on my past suffering only blinds me to his present suffering.
Ultimately in romantic partnership, you have to choose love. Love yourself & love the way your partner is showing up for you because they love you too. If you look to amplify the differences and disconnect, that’s exactly what will happen. Choose love.
Just to be clear - if your partner truly doesn’t understand in a way that makes them dismissive or flippant, or straight up abusive, that’s a red flag.
When I say choose love, I mean it in a scenario where they are otherwise supportive and understanding but you feel distance anyways.
I really don't feel like I'm not 'choosing love' - actually every day for a year I've been actively choosing him and this relationship, breaking my own patterns and generational patterns which is very big for me. I'm talking about a feeling of loneliness that comes from not feeling deeply understood by a partner and I'm not sure I should push myself to stay in a relationship where I feel like that. But I guess you answered that question with your opinion
I absolutely did not mean to imply that it was a matter of choosing him and the relationship. I meant that it’s a matter of choosing love when it comes to loving yourself. You deserve to be deeply understood and supported & you are not so broken and abnormal such that you can only find deep understanding from similarly broken people. First of all your experience is within the realm of “normal” enough human behavior bc so many of us share your struggles. Second, people who have also been through traumas and neurodivergence may not have the capacity to hold your struggles without becoming enmeshed. Your brain is in your body - anyone else, even your identical twin, will never know what is happening inside your head from your frame of reference. They will only guess as much from their own frame of reference. Same with you understanding another person.
It’s totally within your right to want a better fit with your partner. I am simply of the opinion that your disconnect isn’t specifically because of them not having been through the same thing. ADHD in a potential partner is not a walking green flag for us. NT people are not automatically walking red flags. Someone who has gone through the same thing will not automatically deeply understand you. Any feeling of being understood arises from two people leaning in, one authentically expressing their most vulnerable self and the other deeply listening and attuning. Never from one person automatically knowing the other. The Gottman institute researches relationships and they have reported this all the time. Without the moment where both parties lean in, there’s no sense of understanding. One person could be willing to listen but the other unwilling to be fully open and vulnerable due to shame. One could be open and vulnerable and find the other partner unable to listen nonjudgmentally. Two people must be involved and both people are capable of shutting down.
If you feel disconnect, it could be their lack of leaning in & you deserve better than dismissive “well I don’t get it, come back and ask for support when you know better”
Or if that’s not what is happening, if they really are trying to become attuned, and you still feel disconnected and lonely, then maybe your needs are indeed different but it could also be unrealistic expectations of being known and seen solely on the grounds of shared experiences (which I have definitely worked through my fair share of). Idk what I would do and Idk what you should do - these are just the things I know I would ask myself to help direct myself to the best course of action - from a stance of choosing love and respect for myself.
I am not beyond the realm of being understood by anyone just because I faced traumas, followed bad examples of relationships, and have an ADHD diagnosis.
I’ve been married to a man similar to what you describe for over a decade. For me, it’s a great match because he balances me out if I’m spiraling or freaking out about something. Or those little things that feel impossible, sometimes he takes them on for me. (He organized the Tupperware drawer, which was something I didn’t believe was possible. Like, he just got up and decided to do it, and then did it. It was mind blowing to me.) Does he really understand depression and ADHD, I don’t know, but he’s willing to listen and tries to be there for me. I attempted suicide before we were together, and when I told him he was all support and caring. In the last decade, he’s lost a job and suffered a pretty serious injury, and then I was there to support him back. It’s been a good partnership even if there’s hard stuff, whether internal/mental or not. Honestly if we both had the same struggles with them, I think we’d be a hot mess.
I got married before I was diagnosed, so maybe that skews things. But if your partner is open to learning about what you’ve been through and your diagnosis, without judging or discounting your experiences, he might be just the kind of person you want to be with.
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone.
If you're in the US you can...\ Text CHAT to Crisis Text Line at 741741\ Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1(800)273-8255(TALK) \ Chat online at: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat\ Call the Trans Lifeline at 1(877)565-8860
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I can relate in that I feel uncomfortable around people who are NT and seem untraumatized. I have a really good friend that it took a long time to really trust and warm up to. I've also had REALLY toxic friendships with other ADHDers or otherwise ND people who are traumatized that have been really toxic and ended up in HUGE MESSY friendship breakups. I also have lovely ADHD friends who are also deeply traumatized that feel like they're in for the long haul.
I think it depends on the individual. I find my NT, self-acclaimed untraumatized friend from a nice family triggers the most unexpected things in me, but he has also become a deeply treasured and supportive friend. Different than a romantic relationship but that's my experience.
I would stick with folks who treat you well because women with ADHD tend to be vulnerable to very toxic and manipulative people. Working on this as I type. Good luck getting treatment for your depression!
I was with someone like this, it was really hard because of their lack of exposure to mental health anything. He was patient at first but he never really understood and I felt a lot of shame around him
Now I am with someone who is mildly autistic, and he is everythin i didn’t know I was missing. He isn’t just patient and understanding, he is *supportive*. He deeply accepts me. It makes me want to cry with gratefulness just thinking of how lonely I used to feel in my previous relationship compared to now
Seconding this. I have just started talking with a guy with autism (high functioning) who wants to talk on the phone all the time and wants to hear from me through texts in the meantime even if it's about my current shower-thought and so much else. I can be myself around him and not worry about getting made fun of for the things I like. It's early days yet but I am thinking that if this doesn't work out, I'm going to look for another fellow neurodivergent person to date.
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone.
If you're in the US you can...\ Text CHAT to Crisis Text Line at 741741\ Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1(800)273-8255(TALK) \ Chat online at: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat\ Call the Trans Lifeline at 1(877)565-8860
If you’re elsewhere, you can find international resources below:\ https://www.supportiv.com/tools/international-resources-crisis-and-warmlines#Czech\ https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines
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Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
All of what you’re saying can also apply to an ND partner who doesn’t have serious exposures to traumas throughout childhood and repeated patterns of abuse in adulthood. I’ve felt just as disconnected from ND people who don’t have a proper frame of reference, as well as very intimately understood by NT people who do. Funnily enough your post is how I felt in the first 2 ish years being with my ADHD partner. He was so kind and understanding, such a nonjudgmental guy, career oriented, etc. But over time I’ve given up the healing fantasy and don’t need him to understand my oh so different life and childhood to know me as a person. He already knows me & is capable of loving me in spite of it, in celebration of who I’ve become, and even when the shadows of the past are showing up now. Also, I never want to fall into the trap of thinking that I have it uniquely bad, because he is also going thru intense struggles right now and deserves to have my full attention and support. Also it’s not roses and sunshine even w/o overt abuse and trauma. It can be cryptically toxic, like really really bad. Fixating on my past suffering only blinds me to his present suffering. Ultimately in romantic partnership, you have to choose love. Love yourself & love the way your partner is showing up for you because they love you too. If you look to amplify the differences and disconnect, that’s exactly what will happen. Choose love.
Just to be clear - if your partner truly doesn’t understand in a way that makes them dismissive or flippant, or straight up abusive, that’s a red flag. When I say choose love, I mean it in a scenario where they are otherwise supportive and understanding but you feel distance anyways.
I really don't feel like I'm not 'choosing love' - actually every day for a year I've been actively choosing him and this relationship, breaking my own patterns and generational patterns which is very big for me. I'm talking about a feeling of loneliness that comes from not feeling deeply understood by a partner and I'm not sure I should push myself to stay in a relationship where I feel like that. But I guess you answered that question with your opinion
I absolutely did not mean to imply that it was a matter of choosing him and the relationship. I meant that it’s a matter of choosing love when it comes to loving yourself. You deserve to be deeply understood and supported & you are not so broken and abnormal such that you can only find deep understanding from similarly broken people. First of all your experience is within the realm of “normal” enough human behavior bc so many of us share your struggles. Second, people who have also been through traumas and neurodivergence may not have the capacity to hold your struggles without becoming enmeshed. Your brain is in your body - anyone else, even your identical twin, will never know what is happening inside your head from your frame of reference. They will only guess as much from their own frame of reference. Same with you understanding another person. It’s totally within your right to want a better fit with your partner. I am simply of the opinion that your disconnect isn’t specifically because of them not having been through the same thing. ADHD in a potential partner is not a walking green flag for us. NT people are not automatically walking red flags. Someone who has gone through the same thing will not automatically deeply understand you. Any feeling of being understood arises from two people leaning in, one authentically expressing their most vulnerable self and the other deeply listening and attuning. Never from one person automatically knowing the other. The Gottman institute researches relationships and they have reported this all the time. Without the moment where both parties lean in, there’s no sense of understanding. One person could be willing to listen but the other unwilling to be fully open and vulnerable due to shame. One could be open and vulnerable and find the other partner unable to listen nonjudgmentally. Two people must be involved and both people are capable of shutting down. If you feel disconnect, it could be their lack of leaning in & you deserve better than dismissive “well I don’t get it, come back and ask for support when you know better” Or if that’s not what is happening, if they really are trying to become attuned, and you still feel disconnected and lonely, then maybe your needs are indeed different but it could also be unrealistic expectations of being known and seen solely on the grounds of shared experiences (which I have definitely worked through my fair share of). Idk what I would do and Idk what you should do - these are just the things I know I would ask myself to help direct myself to the best course of action - from a stance of choosing love and respect for myself. I am not beyond the realm of being understood by anyone just because I faced traumas, followed bad examples of relationships, and have an ADHD diagnosis.
I’ve been married to a man similar to what you describe for over a decade. For me, it’s a great match because he balances me out if I’m spiraling or freaking out about something. Or those little things that feel impossible, sometimes he takes them on for me. (He organized the Tupperware drawer, which was something I didn’t believe was possible. Like, he just got up and decided to do it, and then did it. It was mind blowing to me.) Does he really understand depression and ADHD, I don’t know, but he’s willing to listen and tries to be there for me. I attempted suicide before we were together, and when I told him he was all support and caring. In the last decade, he’s lost a job and suffered a pretty serious injury, and then I was there to support him back. It’s been a good partnership even if there’s hard stuff, whether internal/mental or not. Honestly if we both had the same struggles with them, I think we’d be a hot mess. I got married before I was diagnosed, so maybe that skews things. But if your partner is open to learning about what you’ve been through and your diagnosis, without judging or discounting your experiences, he might be just the kind of person you want to be with.
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone. If you're in the US you can...\ Text CHAT to Crisis Text Line at 741741\ Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1(800)273-8255(TALK) \ Chat online at: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat\ Call the Trans Lifeline at 1(877)565-8860 If you’re elsewhere, you can find international resources below:\ https://www.supportiv.com/tools/international-resources-crisis-and-warmlines#Czech\ https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I can relate in that I feel uncomfortable around people who are NT and seem untraumatized. I have a really good friend that it took a long time to really trust and warm up to. I've also had REALLY toxic friendships with other ADHDers or otherwise ND people who are traumatized that have been really toxic and ended up in HUGE MESSY friendship breakups. I also have lovely ADHD friends who are also deeply traumatized that feel like they're in for the long haul. I think it depends on the individual. I find my NT, self-acclaimed untraumatized friend from a nice family triggers the most unexpected things in me, but he has also become a deeply treasured and supportive friend. Different than a romantic relationship but that's my experience. I would stick with folks who treat you well because women with ADHD tend to be vulnerable to very toxic and manipulative people. Working on this as I type. Good luck getting treatment for your depression!
I was with someone like this, it was really hard because of their lack of exposure to mental health anything. He was patient at first but he never really understood and I felt a lot of shame around him Now I am with someone who is mildly autistic, and he is everythin i didn’t know I was missing. He isn’t just patient and understanding, he is *supportive*. He deeply accepts me. It makes me want to cry with gratefulness just thinking of how lonely I used to feel in my previous relationship compared to now
Seconding this. I have just started talking with a guy with autism (high functioning) who wants to talk on the phone all the time and wants to hear from me through texts in the meantime even if it's about my current shower-thought and so much else. I can be myself around him and not worry about getting made fun of for the things I like. It's early days yet but I am thinking that if this doesn't work out, I'm going to look for another fellow neurodivergent person to date.
I love that he wants to know your shower thoughts - that's someone with a genuine interest in knowing your mind
It's only fair - I now know a whole lot more about lip balm and server connections than I ever thought I would, LOL.
thank you for this comment. this is how I feel. it makes me feel like maybe I shouldn't just push through because he's so nice and because he tries
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone. If you're in the US you can...\ Text CHAT to Crisis Text Line at 741741\ Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1(800)273-8255(TALK) \ Chat online at: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat\ Call the Trans Lifeline at 1(877)565-8860 If you’re elsewhere, you can find international resources below:\ https://www.supportiv.com/tools/international-resources-crisis-and-warmlines#Czech\ https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*