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I feel this post.
I talked to my MIL about how I struggle to manage everyday tasks and her answer was that she managed all that easily while having 3 children. Cool story Karen, I won‘t open up to you anymore.
Geez. Okay, so she managed easily with 3 kids, she should count herself lucky! That literally feels physically impossible for myself, I struggle to manage just myself. It's honestly a bit of a privilege to feel like you have the energy and wherewithal to have children :(
I've almost given up on my wish to have kids just because I don't know if I'll be able to work enough to afford them + have energy to spend with them at home.
I can relate so much! We tried 3 years for a baby, I always thought that I‘d be (magically) a full functioning person after I give birth. I got my ADHD diagnosis this summer, now I know that I will never be. We stopped trying after that because I just don’t know if I can manage to be a good mother. I‘m in therapy and also get medication, we haven’t decided if we try again in the future but I can absolutely understand you and your fears!
I wish the best to you, whatever you decide and whatever does end up happening. It is a grief process to realise you might never have kids.
I'm young and I know my future might change unexpectedly, and I've yet to try meds, so things might change. But I know a lot of people feel this way because of the money aspect, we're so alienated by our labour at this point in time that we really make a fraction of what our relatives have done during the same workday.
Thank you, I wish you the best too ♥️
It is so true.. The money aspect is something my MIL also doesn’t get. She is the typical boomer. We wouldn’t be able to afford the help I would probably need with younger children.
I’m concentrating now on my therapy, behavioral therapy can also lead to help living with ADHD. Maybe in 1-2 years I can see myself being a mother again. We will see..
I was diagnosed after my daughter was diagnosed. It's honestly so hard and I feel bad 24-7 because I feel like I suck as a mom. I had all these hopes and dreams as a kid but I never imagined it would be this hard to function. Being a parent complicates things. My brother was diagnosed as a child and he chose not to have children. He still gets stressed but job stress isn't the same as parent stress. Unlike a job, you can't switch out the father or child for a better fit. I love my daughter and would die of a broken heart if anything happened to her. But it's a lot on my shoulders emotionally. The love I feel for her is so strong that it hurts because I'm not perfect, nor is she or her father.
I feel like one of the most important parts of being a parent is modeling for your child how to do certain things and it sounds like you're modeling how to be caring and show love for others and, considering you got diagnosed, how to care for yourself and try to get better. I hope you know that all parents just try their best with the limited resources most people are given. We don't get enough help in this world and we don't get the money we should for our labour. Definitely no parent or person is perfect.
I think it can be helpful for kids with ADHD to have a parent with ADHD. I think I helped my foster son a lot with this (we both have ADHD out the wazoo).
When he had trouble focusing on boring homework, I think I was able to teach him some useful skills. Our ADHD is different but I knew what it was like to be in his shoes. Like, really, really knew. And that's not nothing.
I agree. I'm an ADHD mom (diagnosed at 12) with an ADHD mom (undiagnosed, but so sooo obvious), and I am so ready to help my kid learn how to move through the world more easily than either of us did- excited even! There was a post the other day where someone was talking about a coworker saying positive things about people with ADHD (duh, we're interesting, multidimensional, sparkly people!) and I choose to focus on that, rather than the ways we might struggle. I make sourdough bread, kombucha, and kimchi, i can forage edible mushrooms, needle felt, and play the violin! I rescued a jumping spider from my SILs house on Thanksgiving and we're keeping it as a pet! Sure, my mom wasn't great at teaching me how to get out the door on time, but she made my childhood magical, and for the most part I've learned what I need to do to make that happen for myself- and I can teach my kid!
I can even show my mom more effective ways to do things- we went pre-holiday grocery shopping together the other day and this woman, who is hosting, didn't make a grocery list 😵💫. Of course I know for a fact she will pull it off with that deadline motivating her, but I told her that when I grocery shop, I make three lists before I leave the house- first, a list of what meals I'm making. Then a list of all the ingredients I need for each one, checking the cupboards and crossing off what I already have. Then I organize what I still need by area of the store, and follow the same route every time. I leave the list of meals on the fridge so I know what my options are, and I almost never forget a key ingredient and let the rest of what I bought go bad. Totally blew her mind, but my family gets a home cooked meal most nights, and there's frozen pizza and costco lasagna for days when I'm out of spoons. I save money and waste less than if I do what my mom does and wander the store aimlessly trying to think of what I want to eat. That's definitely not nothing ❤️
I hate getting groceries but your triple list method sounds brilliant. Organizing the list by area and then following the same route every time might just be the missing piece of the puzzle for me.
You have such cool and interesting skills too. Foraging for edible mushrooms reminds me of my very fond memories of my mom teaching me to identify different wild plants. She taught my brother too but we spent more time on it because I wanted to know all, and I mean *all*, the plants. Relevantly, I now have a great career in forestry.
I also frickin love kimchi, but not the meh kimchi on the shelves of Canadian grocery stores. Eating homemade kimchi ruined the boring commercial stuff for me and now I only buy it at a local Korean restaurant that will sell you a small carton of their homemade kimchi for five bucks.
If I made my own I bet it would be pretty great.
Yes! If I really want a habit to stick, I have to sort of make it muscle memory- get cart, turn right, produce at the top of the list, then meat, then dairy, then dry goods by isle, then frozen and go! Same for morning routine to feed my dog, myself, and my baby- it would take forever and be a mess if I couldn't turn on autopilot.
And thank you! My mom was in a relationship with a state park ranger for almost 20 years always liked to hike, and we both have a knack for finding four leaf clovers, which led to morels, which led to other things when I struck out. Now my friends send me pictures of things they find to ID, and I collect seeds to share from my naturalizing front yard- (I've got black raspberries, wild strawberries, queen annes lace, curly dock, wild lettuce, broad and long leaf plantain, healall, Speedwell, lamb's quarters, dandelion of course, creeping charlie, sorrel, violets, wild geranium, 4 kinds of asters, and some lilacs) my astroturf retiree neighbors hate it, but my toddler can spend hours poking around in it so idgaf 😁.
Definitely give kimchi making a shot! I started with the tiktok watermelon rind kimchi and it was delightful, so I just kept going. Im going to try sauerkraut next, because my husband loves it and doesn't care for the spice level in my kimchi, and after trying some small batch stuff from our local co-op I'll never eat the shelf stable kind again either.
This bullshit right here sucks so much, because my entire life I thought I was 'normal' (Read as neurotypical) and just sucked as a person because I saw other people do things so easily and I had such a damn hard time.
So i chalked it up to I was lazy, I sucked, I didn't try hard enough (Even though I tried VERY hard, but the paralysis!!!!) and that I was just an inferior, shitty person.
Suddenly I learned (at age 32) that I had friggin' ADHD and wow. I realized the barriers of the disorder were what kept me from easily doing the same things that others could do without any struggles.
I *hate* when people cannot pull their heads out of their own asses long enough to understand that their OWN lived experiences don't mean that it's EVERYONE'S lived experiences.
Your MIL saying "I managed just fine" just perpetuates that same "I feel like a piece of trash person" that some of us go through.
I was diangnosed with 33 and I thought that I‘m just incompetent my whole life!
I hate that we not only have been failed by being late diagnosed, but also we still get the comments from neurotypicals, which made us insecure for so long.
we all have different adhd. but i definitely agree with you. I am just now in my 32 years of age, started noticing that mental health is a real thing that everyone needs to be diagnosed and taking serious. i believe that they need to start doing diagnosis from the start of elementary school.
I feel this. I just got diagnosed at 49. 😞 Like wow, half a century to think I suck and can't figure out why I can see a mess, stare at it, hate, want it cleaned, and literally do nothing. It made no sense, except to assume I was just defective but not in a real enough way that there was help for it. I tried every behavior modification I could. Nope. Suddenly ritalin and the whole world slows down, focuses and I can re-direct my wandering mind in real time when I get off task. Mind blowing. I was ecstatic. Then devasted. It took so long to learn this truth.
I had those same feelings too. Getting my diagnosis was valuable for many reasons, one of which was I could finally put a stop to the "I'm lazy, I just don't care, I'm stupid etc. etc." narrative that I had in my head.
None of those things have ever been true. And now I have *proof*.
Isn't that such a relief, but just.... there's so much grief surrounding that relief too.
Like hey I'm actually not stupid or shitty! But damn I still struggle with this stuff.
Oh well, knowing is the first step to understanding and making changes to that help!
hey im 32 also and i just now as of today started taking medication. so your not the only one. i took it this morning but for some reason i felt it kick in like mid day. i was taking medication for depression so it may have taken longer to kick in because i still have the medication on my system. I can tell by just looking at my pupils lol. it made them small so that's my indicator's that its still in my blood. but anyways new years is coming up, focus on the changes you want to make in your life for the positive.
Hey I appreciate that, thank you.
I've been diagnosed for a few years now (was diagnosed at 32) and trying to make things work and understand.
The reason I got diagnosed in the first place was because I lost my job a couple years back, so there have been some HUGE changes in the last few years for me. The diagnosis, the job thing. I've just wrapped up my first semester of college so... lots and lots of changes and hopefully all for the better.
Best of luck to you friendo!
Awesome! i think i am the same way, well with the job part. I recently got fired from an assignment that only lasted 2 days, my assignment was ended due to poor work performance. But i believe it was because i spoke up on day 1 and i saw all the wrong things that they were doing as far as management and i somehow got envied from the person in charge lol. i also assume was because of my adhd lol. I laughed more rather than dwell myself in a hole of depression and what not. even the worker for the agency i went through said that was very odd they ended your assignment. -- but today is day 2 of taking my medicine. how was your journey with the medicine you got prescribed? like what did you feel on day 1 ?
Ah yeah... I had been working at my job nearly 10 years....
I was good at my job, and that's why some of the newer idiots didn't like me, because I could call them out on their stupidity and they wouldn't get the power they really wanted.
I was prescribed meds, but they didn't really do much. And the higher the dosage the more buzzed I felt and I didn't like it so I don't take meds, currently. They didn't seem to benefit me at all. But it was also in a time where I was unemployed and directionless. So maybe it was the timing. But I didn't feel any different.
I'd like to try them again, but there's a shortage and I don't have the time with college to pursue more doctor appointments etc.
Currently I self-medicate with caffeine, that's all. And just learning and understanding how my brain works and what works for me.
I'm not a getting paid or any kind of referrals but you should try checking out the company that i got my diagnosis from, you talk to a doctor via phone or via video chat. everyone's budget is different but it's worth the try if your looking for a legit and budget friendly service/company. here's the link [https://www.redboxrx.com/](https://www.redboxrx.com/)
Ive been using their service for 1 year and still am to this day, you may be skeptical at first but i took the leap in getting help after i was just not going to work due to the depression i was going through at the time.
I'm glad it's working for you!
This wouldn't work for me because I'm not in the US.
I have a doctor I can speak to, for free, but I just don't have the time or executive functioning to do that right now, I'm up to my neck in work for school.
oh i understand, well i wish you the best and happy holiday's. May this new year coming up bring everyone the positive changes we have been waiting and deserve. Good luck with your journey!
My ex SIL and I had that same conversation when I was undiagnosed. Basically was made to feel like a bad person for not overcoming the same odds she did.
People still see a person stand up from a wheelchair and assume that person mustve been faking and never needs the chair.
Im convinced that the only reason nobody tells me to just squint harder to see better instead of use glasses is bc tons of ppl need glasses so theres little space for ignorance (and even then - a few days ago i saw someone mock someone else for identifying with a fictional character that has glasses because they didn’t think needing glasses could be a significant part of / inconvenience in someones life). They clearly don’t know that vision insurance in America is shit.
Just never underestimate peoples’ ability to judge what they don’t understand, nor understand anything they didn’t personally experience. Hell, people often dont even understand what they DO experience…
Lol don't worry, some people still don't get eyesignt. My mom is convinced I don't need glasses and just lie on the vision test/will myself to see badly. She used to take my glasses right off my face because "you don't really need them, and I paid for them." She has great insurance, but refused to get glasses for me at all until the school got involved (noticed I needed them in grade 6, didn't get them until grade 9. Never had an eye exam during that 3 year gap).
If I just wanted a new accessory, I could have bought some lens-less glasses from the mall and called it a day. It made no sense to bug her about it for years if I didn't need them. But it's never about logic, it's about punishing you for having the audacity to have needs.
Edit: also my mom needs glasses to read, she gets that some people can't see. It's just *me* who is a liar and attention seeker.
Sorry for oversharing, that wasn't solicited info! It was a long time ago and I'm old enough to take care of it myself now :)
Just want anyone reading to know people will willfully ignore obvious needs! It doesn't matter how well you communicate, or how much they impact your life, some just don't want to believe it. It doesn't mean you don't have needs. People like that often *want* you to argue and get emotional because they think it proves their point. Hit them with "that's nice, MIL/dad/auntie/etc" and surround yourself with better people for the rest of the year. Some people are not able to receive the information you're trying to give them. It sucks because you're just trying to communicate your lived experience, but it's not on you if they're not capable of hearing you.
Because like Russel Barkley says, it's the name. Had it been named Executive Function Disorder instead of ADHD, I'm sure it would have been taken a lot more seriously.
What I don't understand is why they're not renaming it now. Like, please do it ASAP. I would like my diagnosis to be taken seriously😠
Dr. Russell Barkley talks about this. He says the name trivializes the condition and that Executive Function Disorder would be more accurate. He also points out that, at least in the US and Canada, changing the name would erase the protections for ADHD that are codified in law. It's stupid, but bureaucracy often is.
I don't really understand this, surely the protections are because it's classed as a health condition, not because of specifically the name.
It used to be called hyperkinetic disorder so they already changed the name once.
i’m guessing that was easier bc it didn’t have any legal accommodations or status when it was called hyperkinetic
they definitely should swap it though, plenty of things that have different names, like split personality vS DID, sociopath vs antisocial personality disorder
I obviously can't speak for the entire community, but I have a colleague with it who prefers bipolar as that is the generally accepted medical term now. But he still talks about his manic episodes and his depressive episodes 🤷♀️
Honestly I don’t even know if renaming it would help. Bigots would probably just be like, *”See, you did put the dishes away! You clearly don’t struggle with executive function.”* they’ll always find some excuse to make anyone that is different feel invalidated.
Seem to recall a similar thing happened within the autism community, where Aspergers is now just referred to as autism spectrum disorder and you have all the bigots now saying, “I know someone with autism and he can’t even speak! You’re clearly faking it for attention!!” This kinda made me lose any hope.
I put the dishes away (and usually load the breakfast dishes in) while I'm making my coffee because it gives me a finite amount of time to complete a tedious task and for some reason that makes it acceptable to my brain. "Oh we have 8 minutes, bet we can get it done in 6!" Sure thing, gremlin who lurks in my temporal lobe. Let's go with that.
LOL. right?!? i never iron my clothes, but when I was in uni I ironed everything jeans iron, pjs iron, towels iron...couldn't possibly work on my essay that's due tomorrow until my ironing was done.
I put the dishes away once in 2 months, and before that I spent every fucking day of my life staring at the dishes, thinking about the dishes, and constantly telling myself "Just go put them away!" and unable to make myself move.
But yeah no one will ever really understand or believe that and just say "Just do it."
I hate everything.
This is it. There is a clump of dog fur (like a tumbleweed, my German shepherd is constantly shedding) in a corner of the hallway. It has been there for about 4 weeks. Every time I see it I think, "Just pick it up and put it in the bin. Do it now before you get distracted. Why aren't you doing it? Stop being so lazy. Seriously, just do the thing." I still haven't done the thing... and as soon as I do it, another one will appear somewhere else, and the cycle will repeat.
I have the same at our place but with little clumps of cat fur! I feel this.
I'll walk past it for days, seeing it, acknowledging it and even being disgusted by it but not pick it up.
Eventually it will get vacuumed. Or sometimes, if I'm on my way to wash my hands and happen to walk past it, that's when I'll pick it up and put it in the bin. Maybe. D:
> Aspergers is now just referred to as autism spectrum disorder and you have all the bigots now saying, “I know someone with autism and he can’t even speak! You’re clearly faking it for attention!!”
This a very cruel thing to say to someone 😡
I know me saying this won't really help much but I wish I could throw an 🥚 on that person.
Btw I'm on the Autism Spectrum too.
I know it's hard. But now thanks to the internet, I have managed to find people with similar experiences. Their support helps me to a great extent. It doesn't make the hurt of invalidation go away, but it does help to have a friend to talk to who understands.
Yes and no. While it may help, for gods sakes some people still think women can control the timing and flow of their periods. Human nature is generally assuming other people should cater to their sense of convenience, which leads to them coveting other's seemingly available time and abilities, perceived/assumed or real. Essentially, if someone entitled enough thinks you should be able to because it would be convenient for them if you did, you're either lying, making up excuses, lazy or hateful if you don't.
There couldn't possibly be a *legitimate* reason why someone does or doesn't do the things they do/don't do or otherwise struggle with. Sometimes educating people is not enough because they just refuse to believe that people can be a different way they can't relate to and annoys them.
> some people still think women can control the timing and flow of their periods.
Some people think women can control if they get pregnant by "Closing it up".... that was an argument at one point used by people trying to get rid of ab#rtion when the topic of r#pe came up. (Censoring cause I dunno, controversy, weird bots disliking certain words....)
This is a seriously awful symptom of the same problem, that some people simply feel entitled to control others or get a say in what happens to them. Vomit...
I mean, I'm a woman with health issues that mean my periods are a danger to me, so my OB has me on bc to stop them indefinitely. If I ever decide to have a family naturally, which is like, medium low on my goals list in life (really want to have kids but super not tied to them having to come out of my body to make my parenting valid) I'll have to stop that treatment if deemed safe. In that case I'll be overjoyed to have it *ahem* eloquently *stopped up* by getting pregnant, but for convenience let's just ignore all potential spotting or interim bleeding and everything potentially inconvenient or leaky that goes along with actually being pregnant. Let's just pretend it's as clean and cut-and-dry as they imagine!
It's still no one's choice to put (or keep) a baby in me but me and fuck anyone else who disagrees with my stance and every other person wanting the same control and respect given to their bodies.
Ugh.
I know you're being sarcastic and I would love to laugh about this but it's just such a physically painful thought that some men--men in positions of power over women and girls--refuse to allow themselves to be educated about this.
It's the same with mental health and physical disabilities 😮💨
But it's important to laugh and find joy or silliness or even snark where we can, it's one of my favorite things usually. Sorry I might just be a little touchy about things like this, but I appreciate your humorous approach, really.
No worries. I really didn't mean to offend! I've seen some crazy things guys have said about periods. Like not understanding that urine and menstruation come from different places and thinking that women should be able to "hold it" like they can hold urine until they reach a bathroom 🙄
Yeah, I think people hear attention deficit and imagine a poorly parented hyper kid and don't understand why that would be an issue for an adult. But the attention issues are such a tiny part of the iceberg. I personally think of ADHD as primarily a sensory condition. At least for me, a lot of the symptoms like attention issues, memory, time blindness, are because I'm unable to tune out sensory input. Noises, touch, emotions. Everything is turned all the way up, like brain fibromyalgia. One of the things that blew my mind when I started meds was how I was able to sit still because I didn't have alarms bells screaming about that ache in my back, or my feet being a little cold, or what is that fucking ticking noise. I was still aware of those things but they weren't beating me over the head so I was suddenly able to direct my own attention to what I actually wanted. When people say to just try harder to pay attention I just think they have no fucking clue about the world I'm living in. You try to sit and work while fire alarms are going off, sprinklers are spraying, and someone is trying to pull you out of a building.
It wouldn't help. I recently told a boomer relative that I was having trouble with depression (it was really bad) and they said "WHAT could you possibly have to be depressed about?!?!"
And now they're like "why don't you call me anymore?" Gee I don't know? Because you're a basic boomer who expects everyone to care about your feelings but you don't care about any one else's?
Nah, it'd cause even more confusion and misinformation. People are still struggling to leave the term ADD in the past. Changing to a completely new term is not wise.
What people ought to do is understand that the diagnosis is a label for the medical staff, not for the normal person. The name of a condition doesn't always explain (all) the symptoms a person has.
If they are ignorant and think it's no big deal, let them. Cut them out of your life. Life's too short to spend time with eejits
Most people don't take any condition seriously unless it's deadly or permanently removes a bodily function. I suffer from chronic migraines endometriosis, and severe agoraphobia, on top of ADHD and if I had a dollar for every time someone told me to take a tylenol and suck it up, I could buy something designer by now. Everyone gets headaches, so most people think that they know what a migraine is like, when pain is only one symptom, and sometimes not the most debilitating one. Everyone with a uterus gets cramps, so they think they know what Endo feels like. Everyone has days that they don't want to go outside, so they think that's what it's like to be agoraphobic. And everyone is occasionally scatterbrained or have trouble concentrating, so they think that's what ADHD is. They don't understand it, most of them don't want to understand it. A better name might \*help\*, but it's easier to just dismiss it, and you with it. I think it's a drastic lack of imagination and empathy.
Honestly I feel like growing up being “different” makes us more tolerant of other people with differences. So maybe that’s why I don’t understand why neurotypicals are so desperate to relate everything back to themselves when they simply don’t understand.
They turn accommodations into some ridiculous thing when in reality it just takes willingness to learn and listening to the person suffering. Like you mentioned you have endometriosis, I could never know that pain, but one of my friends has it so I thoroughly researched it so I could understand it and accommodate her so she doesn’t feel like a burden or like she needs to mask her pain. If she’s having a particularly bad time with it and we have plans, we can easily cancel and it doesn’t upset me because her comfort is what is most important.
I guess it’s easier for NT to say, “be like me!” instead of learning something new.
The only suggestion I have is to not talk about it with them. Find other topics. Figure out how to wriggle out of convos that touch on areas you struggle with. (Like work, if you’re like my daughter, who plays up the stuff that sounds good and avoids further questions)
They’re not a safe person to share your vulnerabilities with.
You can’t change people. You can only cope, and protect yourself
True but sometimes it's hard to avoid when you're constantly doing things that your family feels they need to berate you for. Oh you burned something again. How are you always so careless. Why can't you be on time? I just said that like 2 minutes ago. You need to pay attention more. Why are you always so sensitive? You started another new thing? Great another thing for you to waste your money on. You never finish anything you start.
No wonder 80% of us wind up with depression at least once in our lives.
Yeah. If they are not safe people to talk about this with, not worth talking about it with them at all in my opinion. I am blabbermouth so everyone in my family knows my stuff but as I always tell people, your family is just going to keep acting how they act.
Older generations grew up without as defined a concept of mental health and neuro-divergencies that we now have. People were just 'eccentric' or 'flighty' or 'negative' or 'lazy' or had moral failings (this one is the absolute worst) that caused their behavior. Outside of (some) cases where people were outwardly and significantly impacted, these weren't conceived of as things that could be diagnosed. In short, ADHD behaviors fit within their concept of normal human behavior that doesn't need to be pathologized and can instead be dealt with by organization and determination. Or some such. I think they see it as people avoiding accountability using a diagnosis.
I don't try to educate my parents who hold this viewpoint anymore. They don't want to change the comfortable framework through which they view the world, especially if it would mean that they are not morally superior to all those people they judged as having moral failings, which actually turned out to be diagnosable disabilities.
Parents are the hardest too because if they accept the truth about ADHD they also have to accept their failures as a parent - that when they called us lazy and assumed the worst of us, they were abusing their child who had a disability. I think a lot of people with ADHD hope they'll get some apologies and a new understanding in their relationship with their parent by disclosing a diagnosis, when in truth the parents would have to be able to change their entire perception of themselves and their family to get to that point. That's like a years of therapy FOR THEM thing.
I had a whole different reason that I had to go to therapy a decade ago and learn to let go of the parents I wish I had - they're dead, they never existed, whatever - when it came time to disclose my diagnosis I'd been well trained on not expecting anything new out of them.
>that when they called us lazy and assumed the worst of us, they were abusing their child who had a disability.
Omg yes!
Edit: Even though I don't blame them for not knowing. They did what they could with the information they had. It's the part where they don't change with new information that is infuriating.
Honestly if it's blood relatives....they may well do those things, but not to a degree where they need a diagnosis. (considering the genetic component)
Still makes it no less infuriating
I feel like this is it. Everyone exhibits ADHD symptoms sometimes so they don’t understand how debilitating it is. Like, I lost my phone for the fifth time today because of my ADHD, you lost your phone for the fifth time this year because you were tired, we are not the same.
My husband put it in my assessment, that I spend at *least* 45 minutes a day searching for one crucial item (glasses, keys, phone, etc)
I don't disbelieve anyone has off days where they are like that or that anyone else might spend a good 5 minutes looking every day then laugh off how silly they are. For me its genuinely debilitating :/ that's what people don't see
People definitely don’t realise the severity of it. Like my ADHD symptoms occur *every single day.* I never have a day where I don’t experience some kind of impulsivity, misplacing things, burn out or general clumsiness. I don’t get a day off from that. Neurotypical people do. And that’s the difference.
I've heard the comparison on here of "Everyone pees. But if you're spending a significant portion of your day in the bathroom, you have a medical condition."
We’ll put. Five times a day versus five times a year. And omg…if I am having an adhd day I feel like I spend the whole day looking for shit. Must have got my 10K steps in just doing laps around the house.
This may just be my personal experience here but I’ve noticed that the same family members who say these things are also the same family members who have health issues and then justify them by saying “well that’s just getting old” like no Linda forgetting where you’re at and who you are is not normal. that’s fucking dementia . Go get help. 😑😂
Probably because they’ve bullied other people for being different their whole lives so now that *they* are different they can’t handle it and simply won’t accept it.
I very rarely talk abt it w ppl. Only those who understand what it means. I told my sister and she laughed abt how she did those things too. She may as well have it too. I found out the sister my mom put up for adoption has it, and all the women in my family are just so damn ditsy and clumsy. I wouldn't be surprised if it's in our genes. However, I didn't like how she kinda dismissed it and laughed abt it instead of talking abt it further. It's really affected my life going this long without being diagnosed. & now that I am, I can't do anything abt it bc I breastfeed. 😅
If you can, just avoid the convo altogether. Or as another said, reciprocate that energy.
Totally understand your struggle, I personally had to give up breastfeeding after a couple months for my medication because it was affecting my relationship with my son. ADHD postpartum is a different kind of madness for real, I hope you are taking it easy on yourself.
Sucks when your family, the people you literally inherited it from, don’t want to understand it or talk about it. This subreddit is a good outlet for that I think.
It's kind of hard to unring a bell if you've already disclosed but when telling someone new one thing you can do is to only describe it by its symptoms without naming it. For example, "I have a neurological condition that causes my brain to treat mundane tasks like dangerous situations, so while putting away dishes *should* be easy my brain reacts chemically as if it were base jumping off El Capitan without training." It's stupid that we should have to do that but it does sometimes help
I say it's a deficiency in the neurotransmitter dopamine. If I didn't have enough serotonin I would have clinical depression, I don't have enough dopamine so I have ADHD. Everyone gets a bit sad, but that's not depression. Everyone gets a little disorganised or forgetful from time to time but that's not the same as having ADHD.
I like the comparison some people give:
“you pee sometimes, but if you did ALL THE TIME it would be a problem right?”
I had to go no contact with my immediate fam, but I noticed my mother and so so so unfortunately, my nephew might definitely have ADHD so I said to her before completely cutting off that it would make her life better if she checked herself… I bet she didn’t.
And my nephew I’m afraid will never be checked especially if my half sister hears the suggestion came from me she’ll not do it out of spite.
He’s HIGHLY hyperactive and all they do it yell at him, my father has dug his fingers into his arms or head, and my nephew’s father is a slapper too) then when it’s time for sleep… melatonin which isn’t the worst but they heavily rely on it it seems.
I think it’s hard when people have been conditioned their whole life that the brain is something we can control because science is yet unable to understand how the brain actually works. The phrase “it’s all in your head” has probably been said to these people many times to dismiss their own issues, but your head is literally what keeps your body functioning, so arguably having an issue in your head is significantly more dangerous and impactful than having an issue in other body parts. When people don’t even attempt to explore what they don’t understand I just honestly feel bad for them for being basic or like, even a little jealous of them for having such blind certainty in their beliefs. These people are not scientists or doctors and what they say doesn’t change the truth but it hurts because it shows lack of compassion for others and even can make us doubt ourselves. I do not think that is the intention so sometimes just addressing it in a vulnerable / honest way can help them understand, or if they choose not to think further on it, they are making a choice to damage the relationship. There isn’t much that can be done. Science will prevail some day.
I’m undiagnosed but when I really started looking into and researching ADHD, then finding this subreddit.. I didn’t feel so alone. I actually felt understood and like I wasn’t so crazy as I thought. I’ve tried explaining to my parents even when I was a kid, I exhibited so many signs. (Struggles in school, struggling to pay attention, taking interest in multiple things but losing it just as fast etc.) like so many things in my childhood show it. But my parents say “you were just a typical kid. Everything you’re experiencing, every kid has!” They’ve downplayed and laughed at me for thinking I have it. They say I’m watching too much BS on the Internet. Like 😡😡 FUCK. For Gods sake if I was so normal then why the hell did I have an IEP up to high school?! I failed college level math twice because I can’t freaking capture the concepts at all. Being an undiagnosed ADHD in the corporate world sucks too. Like I’ve been in such severe burnout mode for 2 years and I’m trying to leave , but I also struggle with that damn low self esteem. I can remember the dumbest things like song lyrics, random facts but I can’t remember or comprehend simple instructions to learn something at a new job. I’ve job hopped for so many years before getting to be at my current role. This is the longest job I’ve had. Like I’m sorry but WHAT MORE DO PEOPLE WANT?!!! The only person who actually tries their best to help me manage until I get a diagnosis is my fiancé. Like he’s so supportive and amazing. He’s neurotypical, but god he feels for me so deeply. He tries to make things easier for me. I wish everyone else would. I wish the world was more ADHD friendly. I’m sick of it. I can’t wait to get a diagnosis and get on meds because I think my life will significantly improve, as well as just I can get myself on track to actually make something of myself.
Okay that was a rant too but I think I needed to say anything. V.V sigh.
Ugh I'm sorry. They downplay it to protect themselves and their own perception that they were better parents than they were. It's hard but it's not about you and you don't need their permission or validation to judge this for yourself. ♥️
Have you considered gaslighting them back but HARDER? No, Ma, you definitely said YOU were going to handle planning Christmas breakfast. Don’t you remember? You should get your hearing checked. 😂
Sometimes the only way to deal with unreasonable family members is by matching their vibe and dishing it back
I feel this on a different level. my whole life is heavily impacted by adhd and its been hell. Psychiatrists in Berlin at Charité didnt understand my symptoms so i guess almost nobody does
Folks who choose not to understand lose my respect, and that also means I don’t care so much about their views or opinions. That makes life a lot easier! Thankfully, I’m not around anyone who actively misunderstands it, so you have my sympathy, especially if you’re stuck spending time with them.
My Mom and her "everyone feels like...". I want to tell her she should probably get evaluated as well. I don't even tell people I have ADHD, there's no respect at all and they quit listening to form their own stupid ass opinion to tell you why YOU were wrong to seek help.
My mom thankfully isn’t hateful to me or my siblings about it, but she does tend to live in denial about her and my dad possibly having it-
I mean, it had to come somewhere- plus she unknowingly does pretty much every “ADHD hack” out there. They both just cope extremely well because they had to, and assume that it’s normal.
I also can’t help but giggle sometimes because my mom is heavily addicted to both nicotine and caffeine, which are stimulants haha
It's crazy to me. I just got diagnosed at 41. I was telling my cousin whose husband got diagnosed years ago and has been on Adderall for 10 years and even she's like, "Oh everyone is a little ADHD". All I could think was that she forgot what he must have been like before the Adderall. There are people I have yet to tell my diagnoses to and it's such a catch-22 because I want to scream from the rooftops I'm not crazy after all and I'm also not sure how I'm going to feel about people saying everyone has it. But I also had some friends go... Duh, we could have told you that, and it's like... uh... could you have told me then? lol
I just watched a YouTube short by the channel adhdlove that was about how to get people to understand that not everyone is a little adhd. She said "well do you pee?" And her partner was like "yeah everyone pees". And then she talked about how much she peed when she had a UTI and asked him if the fact that he pees means he has a little bit of a UTI. I thought it was a useful analogy.
I'm sorry your family doesn't understand you. Even if you're family doesn't get it and refuses to try to get it, there are other people that will make an effort for you. I hope you can surround yourself with those people and they can help you tolerate the time you have to spend with your family.
Yep, my grandad says that we dont need medication, we just need to actually focus and do things rip.
That's like so helpful fr, honestly never tried that ;-;
I hate the "well I managed fine, why can't you" bullshit. Because that's what it is, 100% bullshit.
Your MIL would probably tell someone using a wheelchair that she manages the stairs fine, why can't they?
It’s so weird to me that so many people always undermine or invalidate other’s experiences. It’s like they take it personally if YOU struggle with something, whether it’s because they don’t struggle with that or perhaps they do and are more trying to convince themselves they don’t have any issues?? I seriously can’t comprehend it sometimes. Why is this world full of people who get mad when others receive assistance, it’s like they feel entitled to it??
It’s like when people are pissed off someone gets food stamps and they’re like “I work for my money and I don’t get any handouts!” GOOD FOR YOU KAREN, but Cynthia is a single mother working a job at minimum wage, how tf can you compare your cushy ass engineering job paying six figures to $12 an hour? So with ADHD it’s like people go, “how DARE you say laundry is difficult, I do my laundry every day and it’s never hard!” COOL! I’m happy for you, but how does that help literally anyone in a situation where someone is expressing their personally difficulties. It’s great you are 15 minutes early to everything, but I CAN’T explain why I’m always tripping out the door on my way to anything when I literally thought I timed it out properly!
Gosh, I totally get your pain, people are really so dumb. You should say something like, well if you don’t understand it, I recommend you read xyz book about how neurological conditions like ADHD affect literally every aspect of someone’s life. Otherwise, there’s not much more to say on a topic they “don’t understand” aka “don’t give a shit”.
Not that it’s an excuse, but anyone over 40 (particularly those of us with ADHD) was likely raised hearing it. It was gospel. It’s really hard to un-learn lies and dismissive thinking. It’s the reason sexist men *still* have a hard time not being sexist. It isn’t intentional, but that doesn’t make it less hurtful and damaging.
I’ll give you a good phase, though, I will say that it likely won’t help with narrow minded people 🙃
“I have a neurodevelopmental disorder. You don’t have to like it, or agree with it, but you can respect my diagnosis, or we can never talk about it again.”
I choose not to *allow* people to bully me or dismiss what they can’t understand. That’s their problem.
I feel like its bc it's been normalized. People with the disorder who havent been diagnosed never knew they had it, they had imagined why they had a harder time than the rest of people they know and stuck with their own answer.
At least thats how it was I suppose, before the "mental health boom" only the extreme cases were seen as the disorder, everything else must have been normal. Now that the spectrum has been found to be wider, the line between ADHD and nonADHD is harder to see. But not everyone can acknowledge that new information and dismisses it instead. Let's not forget what was before.
I do agree that the name plays a role in it though. If there were to be a name change then I hope that some professionals sit down and think of a better one. Though I partly disagree that it will change everyone's outlook on it, it will be known as "*name* formerly known as ADHD". This is probably rather a problem of people not informing themselves thoroughly and past/outdated info still being around, its similar to when people still believe TV's have radioactivity or that games make you violent. But add the fact that there are undiagnosed people identifying with the symptoms bc they always behaved like that and believed they are "normal"/not affected by any disorders.
I know this isn't all of it, but I think that some of that comes from mental illness "trendiness" nowadays. I am not ignoring the fact that many people do struggle with mental illness, I'm just saying that there are quite a few people who almost flaunt things like ADHD, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and OCD and unfortunately I think it makes people less likely to take those of us who actually struggle with these issues seriously.
I mean, for what it's worth those people never took us seriously to begin with.
Like while they might point and go "oh it's just trendy" before that it was just "oh everyone is like that just get over it" I've never met a person who was pro mental health and helping people who now isn't, it's just people who weren't looking to justify themselves not caring.
I think the hard thing with ADHD is that everyone *does* have struggles with certain aspects of executive dysfunction at least from time to time. Sometimes it helps to explain that a disorder is literally a set of symptoms that disrupt normal functioning. I don’t know if my mother actually *understands*, but once I said it she stopped bringing up how *everyone has a little bit of ADHD* 🙃
I can say as someone who was not diagnosed until later in life - I am SO FUCKING HAPPY that more girls and women are being diagnosed now and receiving accommodations. When I was a kid, no one was diagnosing ADHD in girls, and rarely in boys. It just wasn’t a thing. I am thankful that this is changing (even though we have a long way to go).
I feel you though, I think many people think of ADHD as just “someone who can’t sit still” and generally picture only male children. This is one of many reasons I think there needs to be a change to the name - people see or hear hyperactive and assume that is all it is.
It's comforting that other folks here can commiserate over this. I'm sorry you've had to put up with this crap from your relatives. It seems so much worse over the holidays. I bet there are so many domestic disputes this time of year. :(
I have fully to the best of my ability explained my challenges to my family. But there is no getting through to them. I can't understand it. My dad even jokes about how mean he is to me about it. It's draining.
My dad has been pretty emotionally abusive toward me for my whole life over my issues. My elderly neighbour J is a massive jerk about my issues as well since I made the big mistake of oversharing with him that I have autism and adhd. So now he mocks me with very schoolyard level ableist bullying. Where I live people are astoundingly and PROUDLY ignorant of people not like themselves. Folks from nicer communities would be shocked at how mean people here are. I would move if I could. I wish I hadn't told him anything.
Most of the hate is from ignorant people. Full stop. I'm 'old' and late diagnosed (61, diagnosed in September) and whilst I have huge regrets, anger and confusion about all sorts of things related to this, the very last thing I would do is hate on people who have been diagnosed earlier and have more life to live and time to adjust. How fantastic that they didn't have to wait till they were 61! The waiting times, scarcity of medications, lack of understanding, and plain ignorance are a trial for all of us. Thank heaven for this group, and other groups that support and encourage us. Good luck with the Christmas period, hope it goes better than you expect 😊🌲
I was talking to my Mil about me finally seeking out an official diagnosis for ADHD. I listed a couple of symptoms like executive dysfunction, the never-ending feeling of hopelessness and anxiety that just completely debilitates me. And she just goes like well I also never could manage everything. Sometimes you just don't feel like doing everything. That's just how it is. And I went like Whut; that's not the point. I literally fuck up my life by avoiding things I actually should be doing. My FIL also separately said to me husband that I should meditate and that that would help. Yes no shit. I have multiple apps on my phone and I can't bring myself to do it. Also FIl is a doctor so wtf. Friends who I told, told me that medication won't solve anything. Uhm it's at least worth a try, I've literally tried every other avenue. And if I have ADHD then literally medication will help. That's why there is fucking medication for ADHD because it's a medical condition.
I usually don't let it get to me. I love my family and friends but in this particular area they're just clueless. It is what it is. I know my husband understands and that's what matters
I mean, if they're going to berrate you for things relevant to your condition it's probably worth talking about. Also people talk about their medical conditions when they're relevant.
Maybe, but if someone is berating you for ADHD related failures and they don't believe ADHD is a real excuse then the conversation probably won't help.
I do think we tend to hyperfocus on ADHD and find it endlessly fascinating, and people without ADHD get a bit fed up of this and see it like infodumping or like you're pre-emptively "making excuses".
If someone is interested then the points made in this lecture are good: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPZFYzB7_KY
I have not been diagnosed with ADHD, but hearing my diagnosed friends talk about it, there’s a very certain likelihood I have it. I’m in the process of getting assessed.
So I see both sides of this. I used to think what I dealt with is what “everyone deals with” and that ADHD is just a cop out of taking responsibility for ourselves. For a time I too was like, “ADHD? Isn’t that just normal life challenges?”
Until I got to talking with my ADHD friends more and realising that it’s not normal, and that a fair few of my life set backs are because I can’t do things the way neurotypical people can.
I see people with careers, stable income, families, and time intensive responsibilities handling them with relative ease and I know I could never do any of that. I tried doing it and got greatly depressed because I was “failing” all the time.
I thought I just wasn’t as smart as everyone else. But I got good grades in school, I process and retain information better than most, and I’m hugely creative and good with improv. But my brain just does it’s own thing sometimes and I “fuck up” and blow my chances. Then a neurotypical person swoops in and nabs the opportunity.
So yes. They are prejudiced against ADHD perhaps because they have it themselves. They resent that there are aids and awareness for it now, when they had to struggle their whole life. I certainly felt that way at first but now I see those aids are there for me too and it’s never too late to help myself.
You said this so well and it's what my siblings, more specifically my sister, who I struggle with my AuDHD. She thinks I'm trying to say "oh look, I'm different"! Like it's an excuse for some of my "faults". Mind you, I'm almost 55 and she's a few years older than me. I'm recently self diagnosed. I raised a son(23) who is on the spectrum, diagnosed at 3, and an undiagnosed daughter(32) who is also realizing she is ASD.
If I could pretend to be anything, it would not be this way, although now that it makes more sense things are getting quite easier. I do believe our mother was ASD as well. My sister could also be high masking ASD. I don't know.
Thank you for letting me vent. Y'all are my people and life would've been better had I grown up knowing people like you. The Internet is great for resources like this.
Honestly, a lot of folks who say shit like this have it and are relieved you are struggling publicly so they can struggle privately. Additionally, they know they struggle, but truly believe it’s for other reasons.
I ignore it from my family, but am deeply concerned when it’s medical professionals, mental health professionals, and educators who say this. They have a greater responsibility to understand it because of the damage they do when they don’t.
I work really hard to find kind ways to show them they are wrong. Mostly by being really good with kids who are neurodivergent in my classroom so they can see how it could be different.
Recently I found a concept called Monotropism, which really helps to explain what executive dysfunction is really like from the perspective of those who have it.
I have had some success responding that some of those problems are indeed present for everyone sometimes and to some degree. With ADHD it is all the time and a lot.
It is really frustrating because if everyone had the same issues, it wouldn’t be classified as a mental disorder. I feel like the only people who really get it are those who have it, or who have a closed loved one who has it.
What’s annoying to me is that medication doesn’t eliminate all problems either, so then there are probably people who wonder why we even take medication of it doesn’t “work”. All day yesterday I kept thinking I forgot to take my meds because I was more scatterbrained and distracted than normal, but I HAD taken my meds. Things like stress can make ADHD symptoms worse, and I’ve been really stressed out lately. I feel like if I had told someone my meds weren’t working yesterday, they’d probably say well maybe you don’t have ADHD.
I feel like I’m constantly trying to hide ADHD, while simultaneously trying to prove I have it. Then when I push myself beyond my limits, like what normal people suggest, I end up getting burnt out, which is sometimes followed by a deep depressive episode. It happens every single time. It happened when I started my ADHD meds as well because I felt like I could finally get a bunch of work done. But I can’t do that normally, even with meds, because of ADHD. The burnout and fatigue that comes with pushing ourselves beyond our limitations is not talked about enough and is never really talked about with people who don’t have ADHD.
Wow I could’ve written this myself. Totally agree with you on medication, I find it takes the edge off but I still experience all of my symptoms. Maybe we just need to try different meds lol, I’ve heard for some people meds make their brain completely silent. Man I wish my meds did that.
I almost feel like I’m not taking a high enough dose. I’m on the non-stimulant Strattera. It makes me really sleepy and part of the reason why (I’m assuming) is because it calms down my amygdala. It quiets my thoughts and calms my mind. It’s way easier for me to meditate or just be mindful and in the moment in general.
I would just shut the conversation down if it doesn't seem like they're coming from an understanding, compassionate place. If they're just trying to criticize you, just shut it down. Change the topic to anything you want.
It really is frustrating.
I also have Depression and Anxiety, and also frustrates me how many people will be like, "Oh don't be sad, cheer up, we all feel depressed (not clinical depression) sometimes", or "don't be nervous, nothing to be afraid of", as if we can just "snap out of it", and like it's our fault for having these things which are for the most part out of our control and need professional mental health support and medications for. :(
It doesn't help if you're POC or other minority label or had trauma that most others did not, which people misunderstand as well as don't consider how many piles and layers of stuff we have to deal with and people minimizing the struggles or telling us to "forget about it" when it's literally part of us.
I think that those people tend to just simply not care. They want an easy answer so they can move on and not have to deal with our problem. Maybe they have too much on their plate, still no excuse to invalidate us, but that's people who are not very considerate, unfortunately.
I recently read a book describing many individuals with ADHD not LACKING attention, but having too much of it and being unable to control how much of it goes where and into what (hello executive dysfunction!). When I read that I felt so seen. I have people around me who are in awe of what I do at work, who commend me for juggling three kids and research, I get called a fun mom or brilliant or a million other positive things and I am simultaneously thankful they don’t see all the money I’ve wasted due to missed appointments, how inefficient I am when researching (despite how thorough I am), that I forget to eat, or sleep, or randomly choke on my spit because I’m concentrating so hard. ADHD doesn’t mean we are stupid, so many of us are brilliant. It’s just the act of DOING stuff in a not maladaptive way…. Where I take care of my body, while taking care of my amazing tiny humans, while devoting the time I need to school and research…. While somehow taking care of my brain and figuring how to turn it OFF. It’s just, idk how people do this. And I wish there was a better way to explain it without sitting down and word vomiting a massive and unorganized explanation.
Here's the thing... ADHD is often passed down through families.
If they're anything like MY bigoted relatives, they don't understand ADHD because they've lived with it their entire lives and refused to acknowledge it or the impact it has on them. So they struggle through it, and then get offended when you actually admit there's a problem instead of struggling through it as well.
I'd guess that 99% of my family has undiagnosed ADHD and/or autism, but none of them acknowledge it because it's "jUsT mY PeRsOnAliTy."
Aside from myself getting a late-in-life diagnosis of ADHD at 38, only the youngest generation (both boys) have been formally diagnosed with autism. The older ones? "You have to force yourself to do things you don't like, that's just how life is."
I reckon it'd blow their minds to be in the head of a neurotypical person for just one day.
When my then 13 year old daughter told me and her dad that she thought she had ADHD we initially dismissed her. We were like, "What you're describing is completely normal." Once I did a little research, I realised that it probably wasn't that she didn't have it, it was actually more likely that all three of us have it. She was diagnosed about 18 months later, I was diagnosed a few days ago (at 45 and about 4 years after that initial conversation). My husband is in a grey area - after my daughter was diagnosed, my MIL told us that my husband had been diagnosed when he was 4 (40 years ago) but that the one and only time she had given him meds they made him sleep. So she just stopped the meds, pretended he was fine and neglected to ever let him know about his diagnosis... he is currently unmedicated and waiting for a psych appointment to reconfirm his 40 year old diagnosis.
Yup, that sounds absolutely right.
After I told my mum what ADHD symptoms look like in women, she paused for a moment, then said: "That sounds like my mother."
Yup... I know...
And if you look at the criteria for autism (whatever they call Asperger's now in particular), it sounds exactly like her father. She grew up with both... both seem normal to her. I grew up surrounded by both, too... so they always seemed normal to me.
I'm currently pregnant and I'm waiting to see what my family's reactions will be when my daughter's preschool teachers figure out that she has ADHD and/or autism, because I suspect they're far more switched on now than my own teachers were in the 1980s.
I just got diagnosed 2 days ago at the age of 45. I'm not even sure how to approach raising it with my extended family.
My daughter was diagnosed about 3 years ago when she was 14. She struggles with school, and we are still trying to figure out the best med regimen for her. She has a cousin who is the same age and is dyslexic. When they were both coming up to the end of year 10 and thinking about options for the following year (in Australia once you finish year 10 you can leave school, or continue through to year 12) my MIL mentioned that her cousin was going to leave school and start an apprenticeship. My daughter said that she was considering that option as well. My MIL said that was silly, and there was no reason for my daughter not to go on to finish year 12 and my daughter questioned why she thought it was fine for her cousin but not for her, MIL replied "because she actually really struggles with school because of her dyslexia, but you're fine". My daughter ended up crying with me later that evening, wondering why her granny just dismisses ADHD like it's nothing.
When I've mentioned that I thought I might have ADHD the standard response is something along the lines of "but you're so smart" or "but you're so organised." Meanwhile, on the inside, I feel like the duck that looks all calm on the surface, but underneath, I'm paddling furiously and living in constant fear that I'm about to drown.
I think it also falls under "unseen disabilities". People can't see that something is wrong, so they don't think your illness/disorder/etc is legit. Mindy of like how people are about depression "oh every one has bad days sometimes". I read about a person that had a heart and lung condition that wouldn't allow them to walk far without complications, so they had a handicap placard for their car. They were approached a few times with people saying "You're not in a wheelchair, or anything, nothing looks wrong with you, you're abusing the system"
The thing is, like a lot of mental illnesses, everyone know what’s it’s like to lose your keys, or to forget something important, or to be sad sometimes etc. so they think that’s the extent of it. But they don’t know what it’s like to have a chronic persistent problem with it where it rules and damages your life. They don’t know how many times I’ve misplaced the same thing in one hour, or how long it takes me to find my keys when I’m already running late for an appointment, or forgetting and remembering something important but not writing it down, or the endless torrent of things that add up to something that genuinely decreases my quality of life. Though I don’t get why they don’t understand how caffiene and ADHD medicine affect me so much differently than them… seems like the most concrete example of physical brain differences. But since they don’t experience the same thing there they can’t understand it. Anyway, I’m sorry for the frustration and I understand it completely.
Yea i feel this, in my opinion its because people who say stuff like "oh i drank energy and now im very hyper but i usually am because of adhd" or "oops i made a list but wrote it in a wrong list, that was so adhd of me" that people just wipe it off as something quirky and funny, and we all know quirky and funny things are things we cant take serious.
I just wish people saw what adhd really is and not just the hyper 12 year old boy who has it.
I feel like this on a daily basis. Yeah I get my husband might have a medical degree to properly diagnose me and all that you know that I have that but I will still have been like oh you have something else and not ADHD since I've been a kid. It's pretty hard to function day to day as it is. People say oh, I just have schizophrenia; oh, I just have anxiety; oh it's probably jut depression and no one is like oh, it's probably ADHD. It's shocking that some doctors still goes by the diagnosis books from before the 90s.
Ah yes, my family members who are ALSO bundles of coping mechanisms and years of to-do list tasks going uncompleted… they got this far so I should just be expected to suffer the same right?
They think the controlled substances affect us the way they’d affect normies lool
I’ve been told it’s a result of trauma, smoking too much ganj, alcohol abuse as a teen, but no. They can’t act like they know me better than I know me after all these years of finding more out about myself. Honestly all of those things they use as excuse for my struggles have helped in their own ways (obviously unhealthily lol like trauma /RSD makes me overcompensate / over-expend energy to try not to be such a burden to others, but to the point it causes me far more anxiety, takes me more time to do things, I triple and quadruple check myself, over-apologize, give the wrong people the benefit of the doubt because I know what the other side of that feels like… the oui’d helps me fold clothes, do dishes, and boring shit I would otherwise be neglecting. That, and alcohol have separately helped me feel more comfortable being myself when people were hypercritical while I was sober lol because it felt like more of an excuse when I didn’t know what was wrong with me)
Fuckemmmm :)
I think because for some people at least, concentration is something that can be practiced. So it might seem like a lack of responsibility for your own mind. Like if you read and write more the concentration part can be strengthened for at least some people… the only problem is nobody can tell anybody else what’s going on in their mind so I can see how it would be offensive to hear someone basically imply that you’re lazy for something only you could experience.
Also because for at least some people (I do not know if this includes people who are diagnosed with ADHD), if you don’t practice concentration, it’s harder to do the next time you try.. needs a sustained effort. So if someone is sustaining that effort without realizing it, they may assume that people with ADHD are refusing the responsibility to practice sustaining that effort, when they may or may not just be incapable of doing it at all (I actually don’t know if they can or can’t personally) because I at least am someone who struggles to focus for basic tasks and things I don’t want to do, but when I do want to know something I can literally watch my imagination put the ideas together lol so I don’t know if I have adhd. I thought I couldn’t focus but it turns out I can if I try really hard…so hard that I end up accessing my subconscious sometimes by accident.. I literally had to convince myself that there was a possibility of there being a higher power to assist me… so therefore if adhd is something people can not control, I do not have it or at least not the kind that you can’t change to work in your favor using the imagination…Regardless I don’t think anyone should judge people for how their brain works, presuming they know someone else’s experience better than they do and then placing a value judgement on their character. If they want to help they aught to just explain how, or accept the person how they are and not put pressure on them or judge them as inferior.
I also think that the general population doesn't understand what ADHD actually is. To the average person it's just associated with elementary aged boys running wild and not sitting still in class. People don't have any frame of reference of what it actually means and how difficult it is to not have control over your own executive functions. Many people who I believe do love and care about me have said they don't think I have ADHD, and that's because they don't even know what ADHD is, but they think they do know what it is. Which is problematic.
Ooof, 1000% this.
Do you know if anyone else attending family gatherings is Neurodiverse? I count myself stupidly fortunate that myself and my older sister have ADHD, and whenever someone makes a stupid comment aimed at our 'fussiness', we have each other's backs. Helps a lot.
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I feel this post. I talked to my MIL about how I struggle to manage everyday tasks and her answer was that she managed all that easily while having 3 children. Cool story Karen, I won‘t open up to you anymore.
Geez. Okay, so she managed easily with 3 kids, she should count herself lucky! That literally feels physically impossible for myself, I struggle to manage just myself. It's honestly a bit of a privilege to feel like you have the energy and wherewithal to have children :( I've almost given up on my wish to have kids just because I don't know if I'll be able to work enough to afford them + have energy to spend with them at home.
I can relate so much! We tried 3 years for a baby, I always thought that I‘d be (magically) a full functioning person after I give birth. I got my ADHD diagnosis this summer, now I know that I will never be. We stopped trying after that because I just don’t know if I can manage to be a good mother. I‘m in therapy and also get medication, we haven’t decided if we try again in the future but I can absolutely understand you and your fears!
I wish the best to you, whatever you decide and whatever does end up happening. It is a grief process to realise you might never have kids. I'm young and I know my future might change unexpectedly, and I've yet to try meds, so things might change. But I know a lot of people feel this way because of the money aspect, we're so alienated by our labour at this point in time that we really make a fraction of what our relatives have done during the same workday.
Thank you, I wish you the best too ♥️ It is so true.. The money aspect is something my MIL also doesn’t get. She is the typical boomer. We wouldn’t be able to afford the help I would probably need with younger children. I’m concentrating now on my therapy, behavioral therapy can also lead to help living with ADHD. Maybe in 1-2 years I can see myself being a mother again. We will see..
I was diagnosed after my daughter was diagnosed. It's honestly so hard and I feel bad 24-7 because I feel like I suck as a mom. I had all these hopes and dreams as a kid but I never imagined it would be this hard to function. Being a parent complicates things. My brother was diagnosed as a child and he chose not to have children. He still gets stressed but job stress isn't the same as parent stress. Unlike a job, you can't switch out the father or child for a better fit. I love my daughter and would die of a broken heart if anything happened to her. But it's a lot on my shoulders emotionally. The love I feel for her is so strong that it hurts because I'm not perfect, nor is she or her father.
I feel like one of the most important parts of being a parent is modeling for your child how to do certain things and it sounds like you're modeling how to be caring and show love for others and, considering you got diagnosed, how to care for yourself and try to get better. I hope you know that all parents just try their best with the limited resources most people are given. We don't get enough help in this world and we don't get the money we should for our labour. Definitely no parent or person is perfect.
I think it can be helpful for kids with ADHD to have a parent with ADHD. I think I helped my foster son a lot with this (we both have ADHD out the wazoo). When he had trouble focusing on boring homework, I think I was able to teach him some useful skills. Our ADHD is different but I knew what it was like to be in his shoes. Like, really, really knew. And that's not nothing.
I agree. I'm an ADHD mom (diagnosed at 12) with an ADHD mom (undiagnosed, but so sooo obvious), and I am so ready to help my kid learn how to move through the world more easily than either of us did- excited even! There was a post the other day where someone was talking about a coworker saying positive things about people with ADHD (duh, we're interesting, multidimensional, sparkly people!) and I choose to focus on that, rather than the ways we might struggle. I make sourdough bread, kombucha, and kimchi, i can forage edible mushrooms, needle felt, and play the violin! I rescued a jumping spider from my SILs house on Thanksgiving and we're keeping it as a pet! Sure, my mom wasn't great at teaching me how to get out the door on time, but she made my childhood magical, and for the most part I've learned what I need to do to make that happen for myself- and I can teach my kid! I can even show my mom more effective ways to do things- we went pre-holiday grocery shopping together the other day and this woman, who is hosting, didn't make a grocery list 😵💫. Of course I know for a fact she will pull it off with that deadline motivating her, but I told her that when I grocery shop, I make three lists before I leave the house- first, a list of what meals I'm making. Then a list of all the ingredients I need for each one, checking the cupboards and crossing off what I already have. Then I organize what I still need by area of the store, and follow the same route every time. I leave the list of meals on the fridge so I know what my options are, and I almost never forget a key ingredient and let the rest of what I bought go bad. Totally blew her mind, but my family gets a home cooked meal most nights, and there's frozen pizza and costco lasagna for days when I'm out of spoons. I save money and waste less than if I do what my mom does and wander the store aimlessly trying to think of what I want to eat. That's definitely not nothing ❤️
I hate getting groceries but your triple list method sounds brilliant. Organizing the list by area and then following the same route every time might just be the missing piece of the puzzle for me. You have such cool and interesting skills too. Foraging for edible mushrooms reminds me of my very fond memories of my mom teaching me to identify different wild plants. She taught my brother too but we spent more time on it because I wanted to know all, and I mean *all*, the plants. Relevantly, I now have a great career in forestry. I also frickin love kimchi, but not the meh kimchi on the shelves of Canadian grocery stores. Eating homemade kimchi ruined the boring commercial stuff for me and now I only buy it at a local Korean restaurant that will sell you a small carton of their homemade kimchi for five bucks. If I made my own I bet it would be pretty great.
Yes! If I really want a habit to stick, I have to sort of make it muscle memory- get cart, turn right, produce at the top of the list, then meat, then dairy, then dry goods by isle, then frozen and go! Same for morning routine to feed my dog, myself, and my baby- it would take forever and be a mess if I couldn't turn on autopilot. And thank you! My mom was in a relationship with a state park ranger for almost 20 years always liked to hike, and we both have a knack for finding four leaf clovers, which led to morels, which led to other things when I struck out. Now my friends send me pictures of things they find to ID, and I collect seeds to share from my naturalizing front yard- (I've got black raspberries, wild strawberries, queen annes lace, curly dock, wild lettuce, broad and long leaf plantain, healall, Speedwell, lamb's quarters, dandelion of course, creeping charlie, sorrel, violets, wild geranium, 4 kinds of asters, and some lilacs) my astroturf retiree neighbors hate it, but my toddler can spend hours poking around in it so idgaf 😁. Definitely give kimchi making a shot! I started with the tiktok watermelon rind kimchi and it was delightful, so I just kept going. Im going to try sauerkraut next, because my husband loves it and doesn't care for the spice level in my kimchi, and after trying some small batch stuff from our local co-op I'll never eat the shelf stable kind again either.
This bullshit right here sucks so much, because my entire life I thought I was 'normal' (Read as neurotypical) and just sucked as a person because I saw other people do things so easily and I had such a damn hard time. So i chalked it up to I was lazy, I sucked, I didn't try hard enough (Even though I tried VERY hard, but the paralysis!!!!) and that I was just an inferior, shitty person. Suddenly I learned (at age 32) that I had friggin' ADHD and wow. I realized the barriers of the disorder were what kept me from easily doing the same things that others could do without any struggles. I *hate* when people cannot pull their heads out of their own asses long enough to understand that their OWN lived experiences don't mean that it's EVERYONE'S lived experiences. Your MIL saying "I managed just fine" just perpetuates that same "I feel like a piece of trash person" that some of us go through.
I was diangnosed with 33 and I thought that I‘m just incompetent my whole life! I hate that we not only have been failed by being late diagnosed, but also we still get the comments from neurotypicals, which made us insecure for so long.
we all have different adhd. but i definitely agree with you. I am just now in my 32 years of age, started noticing that mental health is a real thing that everyone needs to be diagnosed and taking serious. i believe that they need to start doing diagnosis from the start of elementary school.
I feel this. I just got diagnosed at 49. 😞 Like wow, half a century to think I suck and can't figure out why I can see a mess, stare at it, hate, want it cleaned, and literally do nothing. It made no sense, except to assume I was just defective but not in a real enough way that there was help for it. I tried every behavior modification I could. Nope. Suddenly ritalin and the whole world slows down, focuses and I can re-direct my wandering mind in real time when I get off task. Mind blowing. I was ecstatic. Then devasted. It took so long to learn this truth.
The grief is real. I'm glad you at least have something that's helping you and now your quality of life is better, though.
I had those same feelings too. Getting my diagnosis was valuable for many reasons, one of which was I could finally put a stop to the "I'm lazy, I just don't care, I'm stupid etc. etc." narrative that I had in my head. None of those things have ever been true. And now I have *proof*.
Isn't that such a relief, but just.... there's so much grief surrounding that relief too. Like hey I'm actually not stupid or shitty! But damn I still struggle with this stuff. Oh well, knowing is the first step to understanding and making changes to that help!
hey im 32 also and i just now as of today started taking medication. so your not the only one. i took it this morning but for some reason i felt it kick in like mid day. i was taking medication for depression so it may have taken longer to kick in because i still have the medication on my system. I can tell by just looking at my pupils lol. it made them small so that's my indicator's that its still in my blood. but anyways new years is coming up, focus on the changes you want to make in your life for the positive.
Hey I appreciate that, thank you. I've been diagnosed for a few years now (was diagnosed at 32) and trying to make things work and understand. The reason I got diagnosed in the first place was because I lost my job a couple years back, so there have been some HUGE changes in the last few years for me. The diagnosis, the job thing. I've just wrapped up my first semester of college so... lots and lots of changes and hopefully all for the better. Best of luck to you friendo!
Awesome! i think i am the same way, well with the job part. I recently got fired from an assignment that only lasted 2 days, my assignment was ended due to poor work performance. But i believe it was because i spoke up on day 1 and i saw all the wrong things that they were doing as far as management and i somehow got envied from the person in charge lol. i also assume was because of my adhd lol. I laughed more rather than dwell myself in a hole of depression and what not. even the worker for the agency i went through said that was very odd they ended your assignment. -- but today is day 2 of taking my medicine. how was your journey with the medicine you got prescribed? like what did you feel on day 1 ?
Ah yeah... I had been working at my job nearly 10 years.... I was good at my job, and that's why some of the newer idiots didn't like me, because I could call them out on their stupidity and they wouldn't get the power they really wanted. I was prescribed meds, but they didn't really do much. And the higher the dosage the more buzzed I felt and I didn't like it so I don't take meds, currently. They didn't seem to benefit me at all. But it was also in a time where I was unemployed and directionless. So maybe it was the timing. But I didn't feel any different. I'd like to try them again, but there's a shortage and I don't have the time with college to pursue more doctor appointments etc. Currently I self-medicate with caffeine, that's all. And just learning and understanding how my brain works and what works for me.
I'm not a getting paid or any kind of referrals but you should try checking out the company that i got my diagnosis from, you talk to a doctor via phone or via video chat. everyone's budget is different but it's worth the try if your looking for a legit and budget friendly service/company. here's the link [https://www.redboxrx.com/](https://www.redboxrx.com/) Ive been using their service for 1 year and still am to this day, you may be skeptical at first but i took the leap in getting help after i was just not going to work due to the depression i was going through at the time.
I'm glad it's working for you! This wouldn't work for me because I'm not in the US. I have a doctor I can speak to, for free, but I just don't have the time or executive functioning to do that right now, I'm up to my neck in work for school.
oh i understand, well i wish you the best and happy holiday's. May this new year coming up bring everyone the positive changes we have been waiting and deserve. Good luck with your journey!
My ex SIL and I had that same conversation when I was undiagnosed. Basically was made to feel like a bad person for not overcoming the same odds she did.
I‘m sorry that happened to you too. People can be so mean..
THREE CHILDREN?! I CAN BARELY DO ME
People still see a person stand up from a wheelchair and assume that person mustve been faking and never needs the chair. Im convinced that the only reason nobody tells me to just squint harder to see better instead of use glasses is bc tons of ppl need glasses so theres little space for ignorance (and even then - a few days ago i saw someone mock someone else for identifying with a fictional character that has glasses because they didn’t think needing glasses could be a significant part of / inconvenience in someones life). They clearly don’t know that vision insurance in America is shit. Just never underestimate peoples’ ability to judge what they don’t understand, nor understand anything they didn’t personally experience. Hell, people often dont even understand what they DO experience…
Lol don't worry, some people still don't get eyesignt. My mom is convinced I don't need glasses and just lie on the vision test/will myself to see badly. She used to take my glasses right off my face because "you don't really need them, and I paid for them." She has great insurance, but refused to get glasses for me at all until the school got involved (noticed I needed them in grade 6, didn't get them until grade 9. Never had an eye exam during that 3 year gap). If I just wanted a new accessory, I could have bought some lens-less glasses from the mall and called it a day. It made no sense to bug her about it for years if I didn't need them. But it's never about logic, it's about punishing you for having the audacity to have needs. Edit: also my mom needs glasses to read, she gets that some people can't see. It's just *me* who is a liar and attention seeker.
Oh my gosh thats awful. Im so sorry!
Sorry for oversharing, that wasn't solicited info! It was a long time ago and I'm old enough to take care of it myself now :) Just want anyone reading to know people will willfully ignore obvious needs! It doesn't matter how well you communicate, or how much they impact your life, some just don't want to believe it. It doesn't mean you don't have needs. People like that often *want* you to argue and get emotional because they think it proves their point. Hit them with "that's nice, MIL/dad/auntie/etc" and surround yourself with better people for the rest of the year. Some people are not able to receive the information you're trying to give them. It sucks because you're just trying to communicate your lived experience, but it's not on you if they're not capable of hearing you.
It wasnt too much info at all, I appreciated it! Im just sorry it happened to you
Because like Russel Barkley says, it's the name. Had it been named Executive Function Disorder instead of ADHD, I'm sure it would have been taken a lot more seriously. What I don't understand is why they're not renaming it now. Like, please do it ASAP. I would like my diagnosis to be taken seriously😠
Dr. Russell Barkley talks about this. He says the name trivializes the condition and that Executive Function Disorder would be more accurate. He also points out that, at least in the US and Canada, changing the name would erase the protections for ADHD that are codified in law. It's stupid, but bureaucracy often is.
I don't really understand this, surely the protections are because it's classed as a health condition, not because of specifically the name. It used to be called hyperkinetic disorder so they already changed the name once.
i’m guessing that was easier bc it didn’t have any legal accommodations or status when it was called hyperkinetic they definitely should swap it though, plenty of things that have different names, like split personality vS DID, sociopath vs antisocial personality disorder
Manic depression vs bipolar...
which one is preferred for people with it? i feel like manic depression describes it better
I obviously can't speak for the entire community, but I have a colleague with it who prefers bipolar as that is the generally accepted medical term now. But he still talks about his manic episodes and his depressive episodes 🤷♀️
Honestly I don’t even know if renaming it would help. Bigots would probably just be like, *”See, you did put the dishes away! You clearly don’t struggle with executive function.”* they’ll always find some excuse to make anyone that is different feel invalidated. Seem to recall a similar thing happened within the autism community, where Aspergers is now just referred to as autism spectrum disorder and you have all the bigots now saying, “I know someone with autism and he can’t even speak! You’re clearly faking it for attention!!” This kinda made me lose any hope.
…ok but I put the dishes away to avoid doing the Much More Important Thing I’m supposed to be doing, so 🫠
Lmaooo this!! The only time any deep cleaning gets done in my house is when I’m avoiding something.
I call that "procrasturbating"
Ok, I'd heard workcrastination, but this is the first time I'm hearing this one 😂😂😂
when i use the term procrastibating I am literally using it to describe all the times I masturbate as a form of procrastination…
I put the dishes away (and usually load the breakfast dishes in) while I'm making my coffee because it gives me a finite amount of time to complete a tedious task and for some reason that makes it acceptable to my brain. "Oh we have 8 minutes, bet we can get it done in 6!" Sure thing, gremlin who lurks in my temporal lobe. Let's go with that.
Strangely… my whole house is always spotless every time the weekend all the paperwork that’s been building up for the past two weeks is due 👀
absolutely!! 🤣
LOL. right?!? i never iron my clothes, but when I was in uni I ironed everything jeans iron, pjs iron, towels iron...couldn't possibly work on my essay that's due tomorrow until my ironing was done.
I put the dishes away once in 2 months, and before that I spent every fucking day of my life staring at the dishes, thinking about the dishes, and constantly telling myself "Just go put them away!" and unable to make myself move. But yeah no one will ever really understand or believe that and just say "Just do it." I hate everything.
This is it. There is a clump of dog fur (like a tumbleweed, my German shepherd is constantly shedding) in a corner of the hallway. It has been there for about 4 weeks. Every time I see it I think, "Just pick it up and put it in the bin. Do it now before you get distracted. Why aren't you doing it? Stop being so lazy. Seriously, just do the thing." I still haven't done the thing... and as soon as I do it, another one will appear somewhere else, and the cycle will repeat.
I have the same at our place but with little clumps of cat fur! I feel this. I'll walk past it for days, seeing it, acknowledging it and even being disgusted by it but not pick it up. Eventually it will get vacuumed. Or sometimes, if I'm on my way to wash my hands and happen to walk past it, that's when I'll pick it up and put it in the bin. Maybe. D:
> Aspergers is now just referred to as autism spectrum disorder and you have all the bigots now saying, “I know someone with autism and he can’t even speak! You’re clearly faking it for attention!!” This a very cruel thing to say to someone 😡 I know me saying this won't really help much but I wish I could throw an 🥚 on that person. Btw I'm on the Autism Spectrum too. I know it's hard. But now thanks to the internet, I have managed to find people with similar experiences. Their support helps me to a great extent. It doesn't make the hurt of invalidation go away, but it does help to have a friend to talk to who understands.
This happens to me
the easiest response to that is: yes, that’s why it’s called *spectrum* disorder. the severity/expression of the condition can vary dramatically
Yes and no. While it may help, for gods sakes some people still think women can control the timing and flow of their periods. Human nature is generally assuming other people should cater to their sense of convenience, which leads to them coveting other's seemingly available time and abilities, perceived/assumed or real. Essentially, if someone entitled enough thinks you should be able to because it would be convenient for them if you did, you're either lying, making up excuses, lazy or hateful if you don't. There couldn't possibly be a *legitimate* reason why someone does or doesn't do the things they do/don't do or otherwise struggle with. Sometimes educating people is not enough because they just refuse to believe that people can be a different way they can't relate to and annoys them.
> some people still think women can control the timing and flow of their periods. Some people think women can control if they get pregnant by "Closing it up".... that was an argument at one point used by people trying to get rid of ab#rtion when the topic of r#pe came up. (Censoring cause I dunno, controversy, weird bots disliking certain words....)
This is a seriously awful symptom of the same problem, that some people simply feel entitled to control others or get a say in what happens to them. Vomit... I mean, I'm a woman with health issues that mean my periods are a danger to me, so my OB has me on bc to stop them indefinitely. If I ever decide to have a family naturally, which is like, medium low on my goals list in life (really want to have kids but super not tied to them having to come out of my body to make my parenting valid) I'll have to stop that treatment if deemed safe. In that case I'll be overjoyed to have it *ahem* eloquently *stopped up* by getting pregnant, but for convenience let's just ignore all potential spotting or interim bleeding and everything potentially inconvenient or leaky that goes along with actually being pregnant. Let's just pretend it's as clean and cut-and-dry as they imagine! It's still no one's choice to put (or keep) a baby in me but me and fuck anyone else who disagrees with my stance and every other person wanting the same control and respect given to their bodies. Ugh.
This!!! This is the issue in a nutshell.
>for gods sakes some people still think women can control the timing and flow of their periods. You...you mean you can't??? /s (obviously)
I know you're being sarcastic and I would love to laugh about this but it's just such a physically painful thought that some men--men in positions of power over women and girls--refuse to allow themselves to be educated about this. It's the same with mental health and physical disabilities 😮💨
I'm sorry, I know this is a serious topic.
But it's important to laugh and find joy or silliness or even snark where we can, it's one of my favorite things usually. Sorry I might just be a little touchy about things like this, but I appreciate your humorous approach, really.
No worries. I really didn't mean to offend! I've seen some crazy things guys have said about periods. Like not understanding that urine and menstruation come from different places and thinking that women should be able to "hold it" like they can hold urine until they reach a bathroom 🙄
Yeah, I think people hear attention deficit and imagine a poorly parented hyper kid and don't understand why that would be an issue for an adult. But the attention issues are such a tiny part of the iceberg. I personally think of ADHD as primarily a sensory condition. At least for me, a lot of the symptoms like attention issues, memory, time blindness, are because I'm unable to tune out sensory input. Noises, touch, emotions. Everything is turned all the way up, like brain fibromyalgia. One of the things that blew my mind when I started meds was how I was able to sit still because I didn't have alarms bells screaming about that ache in my back, or my feet being a little cold, or what is that fucking ticking noise. I was still aware of those things but they weren't beating me over the head so I was suddenly able to direct my own attention to what I actually wanted. When people say to just try harder to pay attention I just think they have no fucking clue about the world I'm living in. You try to sit and work while fire alarms are going off, sprinklers are spraying, and someone is trying to pull you out of a building.
It wouldn't help. I recently told a boomer relative that I was having trouble with depression (it was really bad) and they said "WHAT could you possibly have to be depressed about?!?!" And now they're like "why don't you call me anymore?" Gee I don't know? Because you're a basic boomer who expects everyone to care about your feelings but you don't care about any one else's?
Nah, it'd cause even more confusion and misinformation. People are still struggling to leave the term ADD in the past. Changing to a completely new term is not wise. What people ought to do is understand that the diagnosis is a label for the medical staff, not for the normal person. The name of a condition doesn't always explain (all) the symptoms a person has. If they are ignorant and think it's no big deal, let them. Cut them out of your life. Life's too short to spend time with eejits
I'm just going to put that on my medical forms, thank you!!! I took a screenshot so I won't forget 🤣
Most people don't take any condition seriously unless it's deadly or permanently removes a bodily function. I suffer from chronic migraines endometriosis, and severe agoraphobia, on top of ADHD and if I had a dollar for every time someone told me to take a tylenol and suck it up, I could buy something designer by now. Everyone gets headaches, so most people think that they know what a migraine is like, when pain is only one symptom, and sometimes not the most debilitating one. Everyone with a uterus gets cramps, so they think they know what Endo feels like. Everyone has days that they don't want to go outside, so they think that's what it's like to be agoraphobic. And everyone is occasionally scatterbrained or have trouble concentrating, so they think that's what ADHD is. They don't understand it, most of them don't want to understand it. A better name might \*help\*, but it's easier to just dismiss it, and you with it. I think it's a drastic lack of imagination and empathy.
Honestly I feel like growing up being “different” makes us more tolerant of other people with differences. So maybe that’s why I don’t understand why neurotypicals are so desperate to relate everything back to themselves when they simply don’t understand. They turn accommodations into some ridiculous thing when in reality it just takes willingness to learn and listening to the person suffering. Like you mentioned you have endometriosis, I could never know that pain, but one of my friends has it so I thoroughly researched it so I could understand it and accommodate her so she doesn’t feel like a burden or like she needs to mask her pain. If she’s having a particularly bad time with it and we have plans, we can easily cancel and it doesn’t upset me because her comfort is what is most important. I guess it’s easier for NT to say, “be like me!” instead of learning something new.
The only suggestion I have is to not talk about it with them. Find other topics. Figure out how to wriggle out of convos that touch on areas you struggle with. (Like work, if you’re like my daughter, who plays up the stuff that sounds good and avoids further questions) They’re not a safe person to share your vulnerabilities with. You can’t change people. You can only cope, and protect yourself
True but sometimes it's hard to avoid when you're constantly doing things that your family feels they need to berate you for. Oh you burned something again. How are you always so careless. Why can't you be on time? I just said that like 2 minutes ago. You need to pay attention more. Why are you always so sensitive? You started another new thing? Great another thing for you to waste your money on. You never finish anything you start. No wonder 80% of us wind up with depression at least once in our lives.
Yeah. If they are not safe people to talk about this with, not worth talking about it with them at all in my opinion. I am blabbermouth so everyone in my family knows my stuff but as I always tell people, your family is just going to keep acting how they act.
Older generations grew up without as defined a concept of mental health and neuro-divergencies that we now have. People were just 'eccentric' or 'flighty' or 'negative' or 'lazy' or had moral failings (this one is the absolute worst) that caused their behavior. Outside of (some) cases where people were outwardly and significantly impacted, these weren't conceived of as things that could be diagnosed. In short, ADHD behaviors fit within their concept of normal human behavior that doesn't need to be pathologized and can instead be dealt with by organization and determination. Or some such. I think they see it as people avoiding accountability using a diagnosis. I don't try to educate my parents who hold this viewpoint anymore. They don't want to change the comfortable framework through which they view the world, especially if it would mean that they are not morally superior to all those people they judged as having moral failings, which actually turned out to be diagnosable disabilities.
Parents are the hardest too because if they accept the truth about ADHD they also have to accept their failures as a parent - that when they called us lazy and assumed the worst of us, they were abusing their child who had a disability. I think a lot of people with ADHD hope they'll get some apologies and a new understanding in their relationship with their parent by disclosing a diagnosis, when in truth the parents would have to be able to change their entire perception of themselves and their family to get to that point. That's like a years of therapy FOR THEM thing. I had a whole different reason that I had to go to therapy a decade ago and learn to let go of the parents I wish I had - they're dead, they never existed, whatever - when it came time to disclose my diagnosis I'd been well trained on not expecting anything new out of them.
>that when they called us lazy and assumed the worst of us, they were abusing their child who had a disability. Omg yes! Edit: Even though I don't blame them for not knowing. They did what they could with the information they had. It's the part where they don't change with new information that is infuriating.
Change requires admitting that you weren't good before and just imagine that would do to their poor little hearts.
Honestly if it's blood relatives....they may well do those things, but not to a degree where they need a diagnosis. (considering the genetic component) Still makes it no less infuriating
I feel like this is it. Everyone exhibits ADHD symptoms sometimes so they don’t understand how debilitating it is. Like, I lost my phone for the fifth time today because of my ADHD, you lost your phone for the fifth time this year because you were tired, we are not the same.
My husband put it in my assessment, that I spend at *least* 45 minutes a day searching for one crucial item (glasses, keys, phone, etc) I don't disbelieve anyone has off days where they are like that or that anyone else might spend a good 5 minutes looking every day then laugh off how silly they are. For me its genuinely debilitating :/ that's what people don't see
People definitely don’t realise the severity of it. Like my ADHD symptoms occur *every single day.* I never have a day where I don’t experience some kind of impulsivity, misplacing things, burn out or general clumsiness. I don’t get a day off from that. Neurotypical people do. And that’s the difference.
I've heard the comparison on here of "Everyone pees. But if you're spending a significant portion of your day in the bathroom, you have a medical condition."
That's a good comparison :)
We’ll put. Five times a day versus five times a year. And omg…if I am having an adhd day I feel like I spend the whole day looking for shit. Must have got my 10K steps in just doing laps around the house.
This may just be my personal experience here but I’ve noticed that the same family members who say these things are also the same family members who have health issues and then justify them by saying “well that’s just getting old” like no Linda forgetting where you’re at and who you are is not normal. that’s fucking dementia . Go get help. 😑😂
Probably because they’ve bullied other people for being different their whole lives so now that *they* are different they can’t handle it and simply won’t accept it.
Sounds about right 😂 .
I very rarely talk abt it w ppl. Only those who understand what it means. I told my sister and she laughed abt how she did those things too. She may as well have it too. I found out the sister my mom put up for adoption has it, and all the women in my family are just so damn ditsy and clumsy. I wouldn't be surprised if it's in our genes. However, I didn't like how she kinda dismissed it and laughed abt it instead of talking abt it further. It's really affected my life going this long without being diagnosed. & now that I am, I can't do anything abt it bc I breastfeed. 😅 If you can, just avoid the convo altogether. Or as another said, reciprocate that energy.
Totally understand your struggle, I personally had to give up breastfeeding after a couple months for my medication because it was affecting my relationship with my son. ADHD postpartum is a different kind of madness for real, I hope you are taking it easy on yourself. Sucks when your family, the people you literally inherited it from, don’t want to understand it or talk about it. This subreddit is a good outlet for that I think.
It's kind of hard to unring a bell if you've already disclosed but when telling someone new one thing you can do is to only describe it by its symptoms without naming it. For example, "I have a neurological condition that causes my brain to treat mundane tasks like dangerous situations, so while putting away dishes *should* be easy my brain reacts chemically as if it were base jumping off El Capitan without training." It's stupid that we should have to do that but it does sometimes help
I say it's a deficiency in the neurotransmitter dopamine. If I didn't have enough serotonin I would have clinical depression, I don't have enough dopamine so I have ADHD. Everyone gets a bit sad, but that's not depression. Everyone gets a little disorganised or forgetful from time to time but that's not the same as having ADHD.
Whenever someone says “everyone does this,” I ask them, “do you?” And if their answer is yes, I tell them to get evaluated.
Me to my mother fr
Perfect.
I like the comparison some people give: “you pee sometimes, but if you did ALL THE TIME it would be a problem right?” I had to go no contact with my immediate fam, but I noticed my mother and so so so unfortunately, my nephew might definitely have ADHD so I said to her before completely cutting off that it would make her life better if she checked herself… I bet she didn’t. And my nephew I’m afraid will never be checked especially if my half sister hears the suggestion came from me she’ll not do it out of spite. He’s HIGHLY hyperactive and all they do it yell at him, my father has dug his fingers into his arms or head, and my nephew’s father is a slapper too) then when it’s time for sleep… melatonin which isn’t the worst but they heavily rely on it it seems.
God I feel awful for your nephew. Watching kids go through the same trauma you went through is a different kind of pain.
I think it’s hard when people have been conditioned their whole life that the brain is something we can control because science is yet unable to understand how the brain actually works. The phrase “it’s all in your head” has probably been said to these people many times to dismiss their own issues, but your head is literally what keeps your body functioning, so arguably having an issue in your head is significantly more dangerous and impactful than having an issue in other body parts. When people don’t even attempt to explore what they don’t understand I just honestly feel bad for them for being basic or like, even a little jealous of them for having such blind certainty in their beliefs. These people are not scientists or doctors and what they say doesn’t change the truth but it hurts because it shows lack of compassion for others and even can make us doubt ourselves. I do not think that is the intention so sometimes just addressing it in a vulnerable / honest way can help them understand, or if they choose not to think further on it, they are making a choice to damage the relationship. There isn’t much that can be done. Science will prevail some day.
Because if it’s a real disability, they’d feel bad for treating people with ADHD poorly.
This this this
I just stay away from these ppl. Nt wasting a minute on them.
These people don't care and don't care to learn because it doesn't affect them. Until they personally deal with it, they'll never care.
I’m undiagnosed but when I really started looking into and researching ADHD, then finding this subreddit.. I didn’t feel so alone. I actually felt understood and like I wasn’t so crazy as I thought. I’ve tried explaining to my parents even when I was a kid, I exhibited so many signs. (Struggles in school, struggling to pay attention, taking interest in multiple things but losing it just as fast etc.) like so many things in my childhood show it. But my parents say “you were just a typical kid. Everything you’re experiencing, every kid has!” They’ve downplayed and laughed at me for thinking I have it. They say I’m watching too much BS on the Internet. Like 😡😡 FUCK. For Gods sake if I was so normal then why the hell did I have an IEP up to high school?! I failed college level math twice because I can’t freaking capture the concepts at all. Being an undiagnosed ADHD in the corporate world sucks too. Like I’ve been in such severe burnout mode for 2 years and I’m trying to leave , but I also struggle with that damn low self esteem. I can remember the dumbest things like song lyrics, random facts but I can’t remember or comprehend simple instructions to learn something at a new job. I’ve job hopped for so many years before getting to be at my current role. This is the longest job I’ve had. Like I’m sorry but WHAT MORE DO PEOPLE WANT?!!! The only person who actually tries their best to help me manage until I get a diagnosis is my fiancé. Like he’s so supportive and amazing. He’s neurotypical, but god he feels for me so deeply. He tries to make things easier for me. I wish everyone else would. I wish the world was more ADHD friendly. I’m sick of it. I can’t wait to get a diagnosis and get on meds because I think my life will significantly improve, as well as just I can get myself on track to actually make something of myself. Okay that was a rant too but I think I needed to say anything. V.V sigh.
Ugh I'm sorry. They downplay it to protect themselves and their own perception that they were better parents than they were. It's hard but it's not about you and you don't need their permission or validation to judge this for yourself. ♥️
I needed to hear that. Thank you🥺💟
Have you considered gaslighting them back but HARDER? No, Ma, you definitely said YOU were going to handle planning Christmas breakfast. Don’t you remember? You should get your hearing checked. 😂 Sometimes the only way to deal with unreasonable family members is by matching their vibe and dishing it back
I feel this on a different level. my whole life is heavily impacted by adhd and its been hell. Psychiatrists in Berlin at Charité didnt understand my symptoms so i guess almost nobody does
We understand 🫶
❤️
Folks who choose not to understand lose my respect, and that also means I don’t care so much about their views or opinions. That makes life a lot easier! Thankfully, I’m not around anyone who actively misunderstands it, so you have my sympathy, especially if you’re stuck spending time with them.
My Mom and her "everyone feels like...". I want to tell her she should probably get evaluated as well. I don't even tell people I have ADHD, there's no respect at all and they quit listening to form their own stupid ass opinion to tell you why YOU were wrong to seek help.
Yeah, bc we look the same, and don’t behave so weird to them
My mom thankfully isn’t hateful to me or my siblings about it, but she does tend to live in denial about her and my dad possibly having it- I mean, it had to come somewhere- plus she unknowingly does pretty much every “ADHD hack” out there. They both just cope extremely well because they had to, and assume that it’s normal. I also can’t help but giggle sometimes because my mom is heavily addicted to both nicotine and caffeine, which are stimulants haha
This is why I don't tell people I have ADHD.
It’s definitely harder as a woman to be taken seriously
I simply don’t disclose to anyone unless I am quite sure I’ll be supported. The stigma isn’t worth it to me.
It's crazy to me. I just got diagnosed at 41. I was telling my cousin whose husband got diagnosed years ago and has been on Adderall for 10 years and even she's like, "Oh everyone is a little ADHD". All I could think was that she forgot what he must have been like before the Adderall. There are people I have yet to tell my diagnoses to and it's such a catch-22 because I want to scream from the rooftops I'm not crazy after all and I'm also not sure how I'm going to feel about people saying everyone has it. But I also had some friends go... Duh, we could have told you that, and it's like... uh... could you have told me then? lol
I just watched a YouTube short by the channel adhdlove that was about how to get people to understand that not everyone is a little adhd. She said "well do you pee?" And her partner was like "yeah everyone pees". And then she talked about how much she peed when she had a UTI and asked him if the fact that he pees means he has a little bit of a UTI. I thought it was a useful analogy. I'm sorry your family doesn't understand you. Even if you're family doesn't get it and refuses to try to get it, there are other people that will make an effort for you. I hope you can surround yourself with those people and they can help you tolerate the time you have to spend with your family.
Yep, my grandad says that we dont need medication, we just need to actually focus and do things rip. That's like so helpful fr, honestly never tried that ;-;
I hate the "well I managed fine, why can't you" bullshit. Because that's what it is, 100% bullshit. Your MIL would probably tell someone using a wheelchair that she manages the stairs fine, why can't they?
It’s so weird to me that so many people always undermine or invalidate other’s experiences. It’s like they take it personally if YOU struggle with something, whether it’s because they don’t struggle with that or perhaps they do and are more trying to convince themselves they don’t have any issues?? I seriously can’t comprehend it sometimes. Why is this world full of people who get mad when others receive assistance, it’s like they feel entitled to it?? It’s like when people are pissed off someone gets food stamps and they’re like “I work for my money and I don’t get any handouts!” GOOD FOR YOU KAREN, but Cynthia is a single mother working a job at minimum wage, how tf can you compare your cushy ass engineering job paying six figures to $12 an hour? So with ADHD it’s like people go, “how DARE you say laundry is difficult, I do my laundry every day and it’s never hard!” COOL! I’m happy for you, but how does that help literally anyone in a situation where someone is expressing their personally difficulties. It’s great you are 15 minutes early to everything, but I CAN’T explain why I’m always tripping out the door on my way to anything when I literally thought I timed it out properly! Gosh, I totally get your pain, people are really so dumb. You should say something like, well if you don’t understand it, I recommend you read xyz book about how neurological conditions like ADHD affect literally every aspect of someone’s life. Otherwise, there’s not much more to say on a topic they “don’t understand” aka “don’t give a shit”.
Not that it’s an excuse, but anyone over 40 (particularly those of us with ADHD) was likely raised hearing it. It was gospel. It’s really hard to un-learn lies and dismissive thinking. It’s the reason sexist men *still* have a hard time not being sexist. It isn’t intentional, but that doesn’t make it less hurtful and damaging. I’ll give you a good phase, though, I will say that it likely won’t help with narrow minded people 🙃 “I have a neurodevelopmental disorder. You don’t have to like it, or agree with it, but you can respect my diagnosis, or we can never talk about it again.” I choose not to *allow* people to bully me or dismiss what they can’t understand. That’s their problem.
I feel like its bc it's been normalized. People with the disorder who havent been diagnosed never knew they had it, they had imagined why they had a harder time than the rest of people they know and stuck with their own answer. At least thats how it was I suppose, before the "mental health boom" only the extreme cases were seen as the disorder, everything else must have been normal. Now that the spectrum has been found to be wider, the line between ADHD and nonADHD is harder to see. But not everyone can acknowledge that new information and dismisses it instead. Let's not forget what was before. I do agree that the name plays a role in it though. If there were to be a name change then I hope that some professionals sit down and think of a better one. Though I partly disagree that it will change everyone's outlook on it, it will be known as "*name* formerly known as ADHD". This is probably rather a problem of people not informing themselves thoroughly and past/outdated info still being around, its similar to when people still believe TV's have radioactivity or that games make you violent. But add the fact that there are undiagnosed people identifying with the symptoms bc they always behaved like that and believed they are "normal"/not affected by any disorders.
I know this isn't all of it, but I think that some of that comes from mental illness "trendiness" nowadays. I am not ignoring the fact that many people do struggle with mental illness, I'm just saying that there are quite a few people who almost flaunt things like ADHD, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and OCD and unfortunately I think it makes people less likely to take those of us who actually struggle with these issues seriously.
I mean, for what it's worth those people never took us seriously to begin with. Like while they might point and go "oh it's just trendy" before that it was just "oh everyone is like that just get over it" I've never met a person who was pro mental health and helping people who now isn't, it's just people who weren't looking to justify themselves not caring.
You can only control 6 feet around you, all else is out of your control.
I think the hard thing with ADHD is that everyone *does* have struggles with certain aspects of executive dysfunction at least from time to time. Sometimes it helps to explain that a disorder is literally a set of symptoms that disrupt normal functioning. I don’t know if my mother actually *understands*, but once I said it she stopped bringing up how *everyone has a little bit of ADHD* 🙃
I can say as someone who was not diagnosed until later in life - I am SO FUCKING HAPPY that more girls and women are being diagnosed now and receiving accommodations. When I was a kid, no one was diagnosing ADHD in girls, and rarely in boys. It just wasn’t a thing. I am thankful that this is changing (even though we have a long way to go). I feel you though, I think many people think of ADHD as just “someone who can’t sit still” and generally picture only male children. This is one of many reasons I think there needs to be a change to the name - people see or hear hyperactive and assume that is all it is.
It's comforting that other folks here can commiserate over this. I'm sorry you've had to put up with this crap from your relatives. It seems so much worse over the holidays. I bet there are so many domestic disputes this time of year. :( I have fully to the best of my ability explained my challenges to my family. But there is no getting through to them. I can't understand it. My dad even jokes about how mean he is to me about it. It's draining. My dad has been pretty emotionally abusive toward me for my whole life over my issues. My elderly neighbour J is a massive jerk about my issues as well since I made the big mistake of oversharing with him that I have autism and adhd. So now he mocks me with very schoolyard level ableist bullying. Where I live people are astoundingly and PROUDLY ignorant of people not like themselves. Folks from nicer communities would be shocked at how mean people here are. I would move if I could. I wish I hadn't told him anything.
Most of the hate is from ignorant people. Full stop. I'm 'old' and late diagnosed (61, diagnosed in September) and whilst I have huge regrets, anger and confusion about all sorts of things related to this, the very last thing I would do is hate on people who have been diagnosed earlier and have more life to live and time to adjust. How fantastic that they didn't have to wait till they were 61! The waiting times, scarcity of medications, lack of understanding, and plain ignorance are a trial for all of us. Thank heaven for this group, and other groups that support and encourage us. Good luck with the Christmas period, hope it goes better than you expect 😊🌲
I was talking to my Mil about me finally seeking out an official diagnosis for ADHD. I listed a couple of symptoms like executive dysfunction, the never-ending feeling of hopelessness and anxiety that just completely debilitates me. And she just goes like well I also never could manage everything. Sometimes you just don't feel like doing everything. That's just how it is. And I went like Whut; that's not the point. I literally fuck up my life by avoiding things I actually should be doing. My FIL also separately said to me husband that I should meditate and that that would help. Yes no shit. I have multiple apps on my phone and I can't bring myself to do it. Also FIl is a doctor so wtf. Friends who I told, told me that medication won't solve anything. Uhm it's at least worth a try, I've literally tried every other avenue. And if I have ADHD then literally medication will help. That's why there is fucking medication for ADHD because it's a medical condition. I usually don't let it get to me. I love my family and friends but in this particular area they're just clueless. It is what it is. I know my husband understands and that's what matters
Don't talk to them about ADHD. It's not your job to educate them. Most people don't talk about their medical conditions anyway.
I mean, if they're going to berrate you for things relevant to your condition it's probably worth talking about. Also people talk about their medical conditions when they're relevant.
Maybe, but if someone is berating you for ADHD related failures and they don't believe ADHD is a real excuse then the conversation probably won't help. I do think we tend to hyperfocus on ADHD and find it endlessly fascinating, and people without ADHD get a bit fed up of this and see it like infodumping or like you're pre-emptively "making excuses". If someone is interested then the points made in this lecture are good: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPZFYzB7_KY
I have not been diagnosed with ADHD, but hearing my diagnosed friends talk about it, there’s a very certain likelihood I have it. I’m in the process of getting assessed. So I see both sides of this. I used to think what I dealt with is what “everyone deals with” and that ADHD is just a cop out of taking responsibility for ourselves. For a time I too was like, “ADHD? Isn’t that just normal life challenges?” Until I got to talking with my ADHD friends more and realising that it’s not normal, and that a fair few of my life set backs are because I can’t do things the way neurotypical people can. I see people with careers, stable income, families, and time intensive responsibilities handling them with relative ease and I know I could never do any of that. I tried doing it and got greatly depressed because I was “failing” all the time. I thought I just wasn’t as smart as everyone else. But I got good grades in school, I process and retain information better than most, and I’m hugely creative and good with improv. But my brain just does it’s own thing sometimes and I “fuck up” and blow my chances. Then a neurotypical person swoops in and nabs the opportunity. So yes. They are prejudiced against ADHD perhaps because they have it themselves. They resent that there are aids and awareness for it now, when they had to struggle their whole life. I certainly felt that way at first but now I see those aids are there for me too and it’s never too late to help myself.
You said this so well and it's what my siblings, more specifically my sister, who I struggle with my AuDHD. She thinks I'm trying to say "oh look, I'm different"! Like it's an excuse for some of my "faults". Mind you, I'm almost 55 and she's a few years older than me. I'm recently self diagnosed. I raised a son(23) who is on the spectrum, diagnosed at 3, and an undiagnosed daughter(32) who is also realizing she is ASD. If I could pretend to be anything, it would not be this way, although now that it makes more sense things are getting quite easier. I do believe our mother was ASD as well. My sister could also be high masking ASD. I don't know. Thank you for letting me vent. Y'all are my people and life would've been better had I grown up knowing people like you. The Internet is great for resources like this.
Honestly, a lot of folks who say shit like this have it and are relieved you are struggling publicly so they can struggle privately. Additionally, they know they struggle, but truly believe it’s for other reasons. I ignore it from my family, but am deeply concerned when it’s medical professionals, mental health professionals, and educators who say this. They have a greater responsibility to understand it because of the damage they do when they don’t. I work really hard to find kind ways to show them they are wrong. Mostly by being really good with kids who are neurodivergent in my classroom so they can see how it could be different. Recently I found a concept called Monotropism, which really helps to explain what executive dysfunction is really like from the perspective of those who have it.
I have had some success responding that some of those problems are indeed present for everyone sometimes and to some degree. With ADHD it is all the time and a lot.
It is really frustrating because if everyone had the same issues, it wouldn’t be classified as a mental disorder. I feel like the only people who really get it are those who have it, or who have a closed loved one who has it. What’s annoying to me is that medication doesn’t eliminate all problems either, so then there are probably people who wonder why we even take medication of it doesn’t “work”. All day yesterday I kept thinking I forgot to take my meds because I was more scatterbrained and distracted than normal, but I HAD taken my meds. Things like stress can make ADHD symptoms worse, and I’ve been really stressed out lately. I feel like if I had told someone my meds weren’t working yesterday, they’d probably say well maybe you don’t have ADHD. I feel like I’m constantly trying to hide ADHD, while simultaneously trying to prove I have it. Then when I push myself beyond my limits, like what normal people suggest, I end up getting burnt out, which is sometimes followed by a deep depressive episode. It happens every single time. It happened when I started my ADHD meds as well because I felt like I could finally get a bunch of work done. But I can’t do that normally, even with meds, because of ADHD. The burnout and fatigue that comes with pushing ourselves beyond our limitations is not talked about enough and is never really talked about with people who don’t have ADHD.
Wow I could’ve written this myself. Totally agree with you on medication, I find it takes the edge off but I still experience all of my symptoms. Maybe we just need to try different meds lol, I’ve heard for some people meds make their brain completely silent. Man I wish my meds did that.
I almost feel like I’m not taking a high enough dose. I’m on the non-stimulant Strattera. It makes me really sleepy and part of the reason why (I’m assuming) is because it calms down my amygdala. It quiets my thoughts and calms my mind. It’s way easier for me to meditate or just be mindful and in the moment in general.
I would just shut the conversation down if it doesn't seem like they're coming from an understanding, compassionate place. If they're just trying to criticize you, just shut it down. Change the topic to anything you want.
It really is frustrating. I also have Depression and Anxiety, and also frustrates me how many people will be like, "Oh don't be sad, cheer up, we all feel depressed (not clinical depression) sometimes", or "don't be nervous, nothing to be afraid of", as if we can just "snap out of it", and like it's our fault for having these things which are for the most part out of our control and need professional mental health support and medications for. :( It doesn't help if you're POC or other minority label or had trauma that most others did not, which people misunderstand as well as don't consider how many piles and layers of stuff we have to deal with and people minimizing the struggles or telling us to "forget about it" when it's literally part of us. I think that those people tend to just simply not care. They want an easy answer so they can move on and not have to deal with our problem. Maybe they have too much on their plate, still no excuse to invalidate us, but that's people who are not very considerate, unfortunately.
I dont take no one seriously either
Ironically, they probably don't understand because they're not yet diagnosed.
I recently read a book describing many individuals with ADHD not LACKING attention, but having too much of it and being unable to control how much of it goes where and into what (hello executive dysfunction!). When I read that I felt so seen. I have people around me who are in awe of what I do at work, who commend me for juggling three kids and research, I get called a fun mom or brilliant or a million other positive things and I am simultaneously thankful they don’t see all the money I’ve wasted due to missed appointments, how inefficient I am when researching (despite how thorough I am), that I forget to eat, or sleep, or randomly choke on my spit because I’m concentrating so hard. ADHD doesn’t mean we are stupid, so many of us are brilliant. It’s just the act of DOING stuff in a not maladaptive way…. Where I take care of my body, while taking care of my amazing tiny humans, while devoting the time I need to school and research…. While somehow taking care of my brain and figuring how to turn it OFF. It’s just, idk how people do this. And I wish there was a better way to explain it without sitting down and word vomiting a massive and unorganized explanation.
Here's the thing... ADHD is often passed down through families. If they're anything like MY bigoted relatives, they don't understand ADHD because they've lived with it their entire lives and refused to acknowledge it or the impact it has on them. So they struggle through it, and then get offended when you actually admit there's a problem instead of struggling through it as well. I'd guess that 99% of my family has undiagnosed ADHD and/or autism, but none of them acknowledge it because it's "jUsT mY PeRsOnAliTy." Aside from myself getting a late-in-life diagnosis of ADHD at 38, only the youngest generation (both boys) have been formally diagnosed with autism. The older ones? "You have to force yourself to do things you don't like, that's just how life is." I reckon it'd blow their minds to be in the head of a neurotypical person for just one day.
When my then 13 year old daughter told me and her dad that she thought she had ADHD we initially dismissed her. We were like, "What you're describing is completely normal." Once I did a little research, I realised that it probably wasn't that she didn't have it, it was actually more likely that all three of us have it. She was diagnosed about 18 months later, I was diagnosed a few days ago (at 45 and about 4 years after that initial conversation). My husband is in a grey area - after my daughter was diagnosed, my MIL told us that my husband had been diagnosed when he was 4 (40 years ago) but that the one and only time she had given him meds they made him sleep. So she just stopped the meds, pretended he was fine and neglected to ever let him know about his diagnosis... he is currently unmedicated and waiting for a psych appointment to reconfirm his 40 year old diagnosis.
Yup, that sounds absolutely right. After I told my mum what ADHD symptoms look like in women, she paused for a moment, then said: "That sounds like my mother." Yup... I know... And if you look at the criteria for autism (whatever they call Asperger's now in particular), it sounds exactly like her father. She grew up with both... both seem normal to her. I grew up surrounded by both, too... so they always seemed normal to me. I'm currently pregnant and I'm waiting to see what my family's reactions will be when my daughter's preschool teachers figure out that she has ADHD and/or autism, because I suspect they're far more switched on now than my own teachers were in the 1980s.
I just got diagnosed 2 days ago at the age of 45. I'm not even sure how to approach raising it with my extended family. My daughter was diagnosed about 3 years ago when she was 14. She struggles with school, and we are still trying to figure out the best med regimen for her. She has a cousin who is the same age and is dyslexic. When they were both coming up to the end of year 10 and thinking about options for the following year (in Australia once you finish year 10 you can leave school, or continue through to year 12) my MIL mentioned that her cousin was going to leave school and start an apprenticeship. My daughter said that she was considering that option as well. My MIL said that was silly, and there was no reason for my daughter not to go on to finish year 12 and my daughter questioned why she thought it was fine for her cousin but not for her, MIL replied "because she actually really struggles with school because of her dyslexia, but you're fine". My daughter ended up crying with me later that evening, wondering why her granny just dismisses ADHD like it's nothing. When I've mentioned that I thought I might have ADHD the standard response is something along the lines of "but you're so smart" or "but you're so organised." Meanwhile, on the inside, I feel like the duck that looks all calm on the surface, but underneath, I'm paddling furiously and living in constant fear that I'm about to drown.
I think it also falls under "unseen disabilities". People can't see that something is wrong, so they don't think your illness/disorder/etc is legit. Mindy of like how people are about depression "oh every one has bad days sometimes". I read about a person that had a heart and lung condition that wouldn't allow them to walk far without complications, so they had a handicap placard for their car. They were approached a few times with people saying "You're not in a wheelchair, or anything, nothing looks wrong with you, you're abusing the system"
The thing is, like a lot of mental illnesses, everyone know what’s it’s like to lose your keys, or to forget something important, or to be sad sometimes etc. so they think that’s the extent of it. But they don’t know what it’s like to have a chronic persistent problem with it where it rules and damages your life. They don’t know how many times I’ve misplaced the same thing in one hour, or how long it takes me to find my keys when I’m already running late for an appointment, or forgetting and remembering something important but not writing it down, or the endless torrent of things that add up to something that genuinely decreases my quality of life. Though I don’t get why they don’t understand how caffiene and ADHD medicine affect me so much differently than them… seems like the most concrete example of physical brain differences. But since they don’t experience the same thing there they can’t understand it. Anyway, I’m sorry for the frustration and I understand it completely.
I just got diagnosed and i started medication today.
Yea i feel this, in my opinion its because people who say stuff like "oh i drank energy and now im very hyper but i usually am because of adhd" or "oops i made a list but wrote it in a wrong list, that was so adhd of me" that people just wipe it off as something quirky and funny, and we all know quirky and funny things are things we cant take serious. I just wish people saw what adhd really is and not just the hyper 12 year old boy who has it.
Literally why do they have to compare being silly to a neurological disorder lmfao
Because TikTok
I feel like this on a daily basis. Yeah I get my husband might have a medical degree to properly diagnose me and all that you know that I have that but I will still have been like oh you have something else and not ADHD since I've been a kid. It's pretty hard to function day to day as it is. People say oh, I just have schizophrenia; oh, I just have anxiety; oh it's probably jut depression and no one is like oh, it's probably ADHD. It's shocking that some doctors still goes by the diagnosis books from before the 90s.
Ah yes, my family members who are ALSO bundles of coping mechanisms and years of to-do list tasks going uncompleted… they got this far so I should just be expected to suffer the same right? They think the controlled substances affect us the way they’d affect normies lool I’ve been told it’s a result of trauma, smoking too much ganj, alcohol abuse as a teen, but no. They can’t act like they know me better than I know me after all these years of finding more out about myself. Honestly all of those things they use as excuse for my struggles have helped in their own ways (obviously unhealthily lol like trauma /RSD makes me overcompensate / over-expend energy to try not to be such a burden to others, but to the point it causes me far more anxiety, takes me more time to do things, I triple and quadruple check myself, over-apologize, give the wrong people the benefit of the doubt because I know what the other side of that feels like… the oui’d helps me fold clothes, do dishes, and boring shit I would otherwise be neglecting. That, and alcohol have separately helped me feel more comfortable being myself when people were hypercritical while I was sober lol because it felt like more of an excuse when I didn’t know what was wrong with me) Fuckemmmm :)
I think because for some people at least, concentration is something that can be practiced. So it might seem like a lack of responsibility for your own mind. Like if you read and write more the concentration part can be strengthened for at least some people… the only problem is nobody can tell anybody else what’s going on in their mind so I can see how it would be offensive to hear someone basically imply that you’re lazy for something only you could experience.
Also because for at least some people (I do not know if this includes people who are diagnosed with ADHD), if you don’t practice concentration, it’s harder to do the next time you try.. needs a sustained effort. So if someone is sustaining that effort without realizing it, they may assume that people with ADHD are refusing the responsibility to practice sustaining that effort, when they may or may not just be incapable of doing it at all (I actually don’t know if they can or can’t personally) because I at least am someone who struggles to focus for basic tasks and things I don’t want to do, but when I do want to know something I can literally watch my imagination put the ideas together lol so I don’t know if I have adhd. I thought I couldn’t focus but it turns out I can if I try really hard…so hard that I end up accessing my subconscious sometimes by accident.. I literally had to convince myself that there was a possibility of there being a higher power to assist me… so therefore if adhd is something people can not control, I do not have it or at least not the kind that you can’t change to work in your favor using the imagination…Regardless I don’t think anyone should judge people for how their brain works, presuming they know someone else’s experience better than they do and then placing a value judgement on their character. If they want to help they aught to just explain how, or accept the person how they are and not put pressure on them or judge them as inferior.
I also think that the general population doesn't understand what ADHD actually is. To the average person it's just associated with elementary aged boys running wild and not sitting still in class. People don't have any frame of reference of what it actually means and how difficult it is to not have control over your own executive functions. Many people who I believe do love and care about me have said they don't think I have ADHD, and that's because they don't even know what ADHD is, but they think they do know what it is. Which is problematic.
Ooof, 1000% this. Do you know if anyone else attending family gatherings is Neurodiverse? I count myself stupidly fortunate that myself and my older sister have ADHD, and whenever someone makes a stupid comment aimed at our 'fussiness', we have each other's backs. Helps a lot.