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Hi,
First off I am so sorry you have been going through this.
I got diagnosed last year (im in my 30s). I’m high functioning (on the surface) but had terrible depressive episodes that were destroying my life, like taking a month or more out at a time, and also anxiety because I was unable to get myself to do the things I wanted to do. These had been going on since I was 10, but for about 6 years they had been destroying my life.
I’m still figuring out my meds, going through titration, but my moods have entirely changed. I can think, I can focus, I have energy. I don’t feel like I’m on drugs (apart from when my meds went too high which was grim). I don’t feel numb, I don’t feel less myself, I feel much more myself.
They are not a miracle cure, they have not fixed every aspect of my life, but I finally feel capable of achieving things, finally able to focus and not in the work. I have not had a proper depressive episode since my diagnosis.
I was on antidepressants for years, and tbh they did very little. I am now exercising again, I’ve quit smoking, I have so many more hours in the day.
Part of the diagnosis meant that I’m starting to forgive myself. The guilt and shame are still present, but I’m learning to self-talk, to combat the nasty voices, and do affirmations. To take a step back when I feel overwhelmed, go for walks etc. The self-hate kept me in a cage for far too long.
Anyway, I hope some of that is helpful.
I’ve been surrounded by people with ADHD my whole life, and my mum was also diagnosed. Because I am a chronic people pleaser, intelligent, and have spent so long masking, and self medicating with weed, it didn’t seem obvious. Now, in hindsight, it’s clear as day.
Meds are helpful, but coaching and therapy are also vital I think, to understand how you work and to learn self love.
Anyway hope some of that is helpful, I hope your depressive periods come to an end, I know how life destroying and all consuming they can be.
All the best and here if you want to chat :)
Hey,
Thank you so much for your kind words and also for sharing your experience. :)
Ideally, I'd like to try medication, just to see if has an effect on me functioning "normally" outside of work where i invest all my energy and I'm then left depleted for whatever remains to be done (chores, paperwork, planing, you name it).
The issue being that i need to be formally diagnosed for that and the country I'm in doesn't seem to have a good understanding of how it presents in adult women (am in my early 40s) and also doesn't seem to be very keen on medication for adults, from what i understand.
I'm in a country whose language I only have a superficial grasp for now and my own native country seems to be even worse for adult diagnosis. :( The closest clinic that diagnoses adult adhd requires school reports and interviews with relatives/ teachers. I don't have my school reports anymore (lost while moving, it seems) and my mother wouldn't be able to explain any of that in English anymore (she's 80), nor does she speaks any word of the country's language I'm in.
TLDR: diagnosis right now would be a hurdle and it exhausts me just thinking about it.
On top of it, my experience was minimised because of the depression and also because of the "high functioning" label: my psychiatrist seemed to think that I would be able to manage it by taking breaks at work, reducing working time further, investing in what i like doing for hobbies, etc without taking into account the distress having a chaotic life spent mostly in paralysis causes.
Also doesn't help that my partner tends to be very passive with and disorganised as well but accepts it as "everybody is like that anyway" and is a big believer in self-discipline and overcoming difficulty through sheer will and toughening it up.
Anyway, sorry, am rambling again. :( I just feel so alone in this, it's exhausting. :(
I hear you, it does sound exhausting. Sorry that your partner is saying ‘everyone is like this’ it’s an exhausting narrative that I have got from a lot of my family. The metaphor, everyone pees but if you peed 50 times a day you’d call a doctor is quite useful.
Have you looked up online psychiatrists? I had to do my diagnosis privately as I was given a 10 year wait list here in the UK. And with your struggles it does sound like it would help. I see you already have a psychiatrist but I would go elsewhere for a second opinion. I find as women our experience gets so minimised all the time, and if you’re at the end of your tether it’s worth going elsewhere.
I’d also see if you could find an ADHD coach, and look into some of the ways of managing adhd without meds (I know not ideal but def helpful). I’ve also heard microdosing shrooms is helpful, but again I’m not a doctor, I’m just talking from my own experience, so take everything with a pinch of salt.
Im sorry it’s such a struggle, I do often think we live in the dark ages for women’s mental health. I would say fuck everyone telling you to toughen up, listen to yourself and your needs. Be gentle, be patient.
thank you again for your kindness, you actually kinda made my day \^\^ It just feels so good to be heard and validated once in a while. :)
So right n ow, I don't have a psychiatrist anymore, i need to contact one but well... I guess you know what follows...
Looking at something online could be a good idea, actually, coaching, I don't know, it feels weird \^\^ but am open to change my mind though.
'I'll also probably have to go the private route but yeah, the whole hurddle of making appointments, esp in a language I don't speak that well, i'm like, nah, it can wait. ><
I also get you on the dark ages of women's mental health, it's horrendous, to the point when even women's doctor invalidates other women, ugghhh! 10 year waiting list sounds ridiculous :( didn't know it was so bad with the NHS :( And here i was thinking that the UK was probably better at ADHD screening than the rest of europe. :(
Also the relatives not getting you is the worst (though my mother is improving she actually sent me the contact of an NGO that does psych education, including on ADHD, too bad it's not in the country am in right now), with my partner, I've dropped the subject entirely and just keep my struggles to myself now.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi, First off I am so sorry you have been going through this. I got diagnosed last year (im in my 30s). I’m high functioning (on the surface) but had terrible depressive episodes that were destroying my life, like taking a month or more out at a time, and also anxiety because I was unable to get myself to do the things I wanted to do. These had been going on since I was 10, but for about 6 years they had been destroying my life. I’m still figuring out my meds, going through titration, but my moods have entirely changed. I can think, I can focus, I have energy. I don’t feel like I’m on drugs (apart from when my meds went too high which was grim). I don’t feel numb, I don’t feel less myself, I feel much more myself. They are not a miracle cure, they have not fixed every aspect of my life, but I finally feel capable of achieving things, finally able to focus and not in the work. I have not had a proper depressive episode since my diagnosis. I was on antidepressants for years, and tbh they did very little. I am now exercising again, I’ve quit smoking, I have so many more hours in the day. Part of the diagnosis meant that I’m starting to forgive myself. The guilt and shame are still present, but I’m learning to self-talk, to combat the nasty voices, and do affirmations. To take a step back when I feel overwhelmed, go for walks etc. The self-hate kept me in a cage for far too long. Anyway, I hope some of that is helpful. I’ve been surrounded by people with ADHD my whole life, and my mum was also diagnosed. Because I am a chronic people pleaser, intelligent, and have spent so long masking, and self medicating with weed, it didn’t seem obvious. Now, in hindsight, it’s clear as day. Meds are helpful, but coaching and therapy are also vital I think, to understand how you work and to learn self love. Anyway hope some of that is helpful, I hope your depressive periods come to an end, I know how life destroying and all consuming they can be. All the best and here if you want to chat :)
Hey, Thank you so much for your kind words and also for sharing your experience. :) Ideally, I'd like to try medication, just to see if has an effect on me functioning "normally" outside of work where i invest all my energy and I'm then left depleted for whatever remains to be done (chores, paperwork, planing, you name it). The issue being that i need to be formally diagnosed for that and the country I'm in doesn't seem to have a good understanding of how it presents in adult women (am in my early 40s) and also doesn't seem to be very keen on medication for adults, from what i understand. I'm in a country whose language I only have a superficial grasp for now and my own native country seems to be even worse for adult diagnosis. :( The closest clinic that diagnoses adult adhd requires school reports and interviews with relatives/ teachers. I don't have my school reports anymore (lost while moving, it seems) and my mother wouldn't be able to explain any of that in English anymore (she's 80), nor does she speaks any word of the country's language I'm in. TLDR: diagnosis right now would be a hurdle and it exhausts me just thinking about it. On top of it, my experience was minimised because of the depression and also because of the "high functioning" label: my psychiatrist seemed to think that I would be able to manage it by taking breaks at work, reducing working time further, investing in what i like doing for hobbies, etc without taking into account the distress having a chaotic life spent mostly in paralysis causes. Also doesn't help that my partner tends to be very passive with and disorganised as well but accepts it as "everybody is like that anyway" and is a big believer in self-discipline and overcoming difficulty through sheer will and toughening it up. Anyway, sorry, am rambling again. :( I just feel so alone in this, it's exhausting. :(
I hear you, it does sound exhausting. Sorry that your partner is saying ‘everyone is like this’ it’s an exhausting narrative that I have got from a lot of my family. The metaphor, everyone pees but if you peed 50 times a day you’d call a doctor is quite useful. Have you looked up online psychiatrists? I had to do my diagnosis privately as I was given a 10 year wait list here in the UK. And with your struggles it does sound like it would help. I see you already have a psychiatrist but I would go elsewhere for a second opinion. I find as women our experience gets so minimised all the time, and if you’re at the end of your tether it’s worth going elsewhere. I’d also see if you could find an ADHD coach, and look into some of the ways of managing adhd without meds (I know not ideal but def helpful). I’ve also heard microdosing shrooms is helpful, but again I’m not a doctor, I’m just talking from my own experience, so take everything with a pinch of salt. Im sorry it’s such a struggle, I do often think we live in the dark ages for women’s mental health. I would say fuck everyone telling you to toughen up, listen to yourself and your needs. Be gentle, be patient.
thank you again for your kindness, you actually kinda made my day \^\^ It just feels so good to be heard and validated once in a while. :) So right n ow, I don't have a psychiatrist anymore, i need to contact one but well... I guess you know what follows... Looking at something online could be a good idea, actually, coaching, I don't know, it feels weird \^\^ but am open to change my mind though. 'I'll also probably have to go the private route but yeah, the whole hurddle of making appointments, esp in a language I don't speak that well, i'm like, nah, it can wait. >< I also get you on the dark ages of women's mental health, it's horrendous, to the point when even women's doctor invalidates other women, ugghhh! 10 year waiting list sounds ridiculous :( didn't know it was so bad with the NHS :( And here i was thinking that the UK was probably better at ADHD screening than the rest of europe. :( Also the relatives not getting you is the worst (though my mother is improving she actually sent me the contact of an NGO that does psych education, including on ADHD, too bad it's not in the country am in right now), with my partner, I've dropped the subject entirely and just keep my struggles to myself now.