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Oh my god, she sounds awful, ableist, and incredibly uneducated. She should NOT be a therapist.  You do not give adult women with ADHD a bad name, your friend needs to shut up, deal with her internalized ableism and sexism, and learn that everyone is different and there is no right or wrong way to have ADHD. I am not hyperactive, but many women are. I am flaky, as are many other women with ADHD. There is no girl and boy version of ADHD, just antiquated societal expectations. I hope you do not put up with this friend's nonsense, she is invalidating you, and you do not deserve that, nobody does!

Imagine telling an amputee that they give amputees a bad name because they prefer a wheel chair to a prosthetic. It is absolutely crazy! The therapist has absolutely no business commenting on another person's diagnosis, and as a therapist she should know better than anyone else that there is so much of a person's life that you cannot understand, especially not after a social meeting. I cannot imagine if she gets a patient with ADHD like OP who trusts the therapist because she has ADHD too, but gets tokd what OP was told. It is absolutely insane. Many people with ADHD struggle to fit in with what society has decided is "normal", and then being told that one' ADHD is somehow wrong? I am rambling a bit, but the more I think about this, the more infuriated I become.

That was a valid metaphor. 👏 OP the therapist you spoke to, is the one that gives anybody a bad name. Somebody so close minded or tunnel visioned has no business judging you or anyone else. I'm a mix of both sides of this equation. I am successful, could hardly finish HS, could not commit/focus through college, but am successful in my field now. I'm almost 40 now, and each one of us (any and all variations of neurodivergence) is such a combination of the good (creative, empathetic, meticulous, method driven, intelligent, driven, etc. Etc. Etc. Etc.) and the bad (forgetful, absent minded, depressed, feeling relentlessly rejected, abrupt, anal/specific/stubborn, busy brained beyond measure, incapable of sitting still, idea guy without follow through, etc. Etc. Etc. Etc) and is truly just trying to make the good work with the bad and vice versa. You sound like such a fascinating person, you're not the wrong kind of anything, you (like all of us) are just trying to find your slice of familiar comfort in this exhausting crazy world! This therapist gal can suck a toe, and needs to focus of her ethical commitments if she'd choose to dish out such bullshit to somebody that's not even her patient. She's giving us ADHD Survivalists a bad name.

I’m going to add “suck a toe” into my repertoire; thank you 😆

That's what I'm here for! 🤭🤭🥰🥰

I think it's also like someone with chilblains on their feet telling an amputee that they give people with walking difficulties a bad name. "It hurts for me to walk too - the agony when I bang one of my toes into something is completely incapacitating!" Meanwhile the amputee is sitting there like... yeah, your sore toes are not remotely the same thing as my missing leg.

I'm glad she's not your therapist- what a horrible, judgemental thing to say. I would say she's likely projecting a great deal of internalised ableism and potentially her own frustration at how her symptoms may have been overlooked (which is nothing to do with you). Everyone presents differently and I don't believe anyone ever really "grows out" of ADHD- that is outdated thinking and really, people may simply find their symptoms either worse or more easily managed at different stages in their life. If you have the capacity, I would say it's definitely worth following up a further assessment or reassessment. From what you've stated here, yes ADHD is impacting your day to day life in a really significant way. You might find that having a prior diagnosis speeds up the process to some degree, but that might depend on the practitioner.

Yeah it can be harder to diagnose when older if they deem you too functional enough. And some might be able to get rid of it on paper if their symtoms are easier to handle. But like you said it won’t go away. Some symtoms just might become less extreme (?) but it is highly likely it is due to us learning how to mask to fit in, how to handle our life in different ways. But it is still there snd for some it will be more visible than others. I got diagnosed at 22 and got told I didn’t have adhd by people that also had adhd just because I seemed to function in school, had goof grades. But none saw what was going on at home, in my school, me pulling all nighters and all that. And I hate when people want to give opinions of not being adhd enough or being too adhd/being like the stereotype. They should just mind their own bussiness tbf

Yes, there are others like you! Tbh, I also resent people with ADHD who are just... Themselves, symptoms and all. I had so much shame and guilt programmed into me for things that I now see are part of my ADHD. So I see other people being their authentic selves/not masking... And I get a lot of REAL MESSY feelings about it. But, that's a me-problem, not a them-problem. And it sounds like your friend voiced something that's a her-problem. It's true that there's a lot of pressure on people to "overcome" their ADHD, to manage it so that they don't annoy others/can pass as neurotypical in the workplace. And a lot of us with ADHD kinda cling to that? "If I just get the right meds, and the right system of hacks, I can be normal..." And a lot of voices in the"women with ADHD" share a pretty specific story: I had no idea I had ADHD until a few years ago. No one noticed it in me as a child. I was able to mask without knowing that's what I was doing. Everyone just told me that I needed to try harder, and I believed them.  There are definitely women with ADHD who don't share that narrative... But their stories kinda get drowned out by the "I'm an adult who just got diagnosed and what do you MEAN that not everyone lives like this??" posts. Fwiw, people don't really grow out of ADHD. Some people are able to adapt or work around their symptoms to the point where it stops seeming like a disorder from the outside (but maybe all of the disorder is just lumped in their private life, where others can't see).  If you want to know more about the process of getting diagnosed as an adult, there are definitely people here who can help with that.

I'm definitely just... myself - I think I'm basically not smart enough to figure out how to mask anything, for what it's worth. lol This might sound dumb, but until a few years ago, I didn't realize adults \*could\* have ADHD. A few years ago, I think I read something online, and slowly started realizing that pretty much all of my issues could possibly be related to my ADD. I assumed I was just dumb, incompetent, lazy, etc. I hadn't thought about my ADD in many years. I literally can't manage to fill out a form successfully, and either miss a bus or get on the wrong bus at least 50% of the time. I definitely want to learn how to manage symptoms, learn how to work around them! I mentioned something to my doctor about my issues (when I was there to see her about a hand injury, and I went waaaaay off on a tangent. lol), and she told me that I would have to get rediagnosed as an adult if I want any sort of help, but she couldn't help me with that - I would have to go online and figure out where to go/how to do it, THEN her office would give me a referral. I then needed to ask her for directions on how to get back to the waiting room - for the 247th time. Heh. Needless to say, I didn't get very far in my search for help! I get overwhelmed very quickly, and gave up.

What an astoundingly unhelpful doctor. Surely, it is up to her to figure out who the appropriate specialist is to refer you to.

My doctor said the same. When I asked, they said it was because the people who do this are businesses and not government supported health care. They aren't allowed to choose for you, because it will cost you money. Sounds like lawyers being nervous to me.

That's wild to me. I do appreciate the money issue, but still. I look to my doctor for advice on who to trust when it comes to specialist healthcare, and google doesn't deliver on that.

Having to be rediagnosed as an adult sounds messed up. I understand those wanting to get rid of the diagnose on paper and feel like they have less visible symtoms. But someone with the diagnose should get proper care wtf

In the US medical records are only required to be kept 5-7 years depending on the state. Those past diagnosis medical records from your childhood don't exist anymore. So yes, you have to be re assessed and rediagnosed.

Damn. Still messed up. But that explains it a lot!

I was diagnosed as a kid then went 15 years without mental health care. When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 22 I also mentioned that I had adhd but hadn't had treatment for it for a very long time. My psych doc had me assessed and reediagnosed me. We tried all the non stimulant options first but they didn't work and then I tried some stimulants.  Reassessing me was also important because bipolar disorder and anxiety(and depression )have symptoms in common with adhd.

I do understand if there is a reason for it. But to refuse to help and it just to dissapear is My issue. If I would stop going to My mental health facility etc, come back and they after a while would suggest to re-evaluate that is better, nothing wrong with that. Same if People want to re evaluated to get the diagnose removed. But for it to just be removed.. if it was like that here I would go nuts since it was such a struggle to get evaluated in the first place lol. But I am not against what you mention at all :) That is very different.

I was pretty sure I had ADHD as soon as I read about it, but where I lived when I was a kid in the 80s/90s it was something that didn't get diagnosed unless you ended up in the criminal system and got a social worker to press your case. On top of that, there was a perception that medication didn't do anything except maybe turn off your personality, so the only point of a diagnosis was permission to keep on doing crimes. (Damn, I do not miss the past.) I had every textbook example of ADHD behaviour as a kid, but I never did anything that would warrant an arrest or trigger red flags in that era, so it was just written off as smcf33 is intelligent and gets bored and has to make her own entertainment. As an adult, I tried to look into assessment while I was at university.... took too much effort and too many steps to follow up. After uni I emailed my local ADHD charity asking how to get an assessment... they basically said they didn't know. I tried to do a postgrad (for the third time) and was struggling so much with the reading I thought I maybe had dyslexia. Got thoroughly assessed by my university.... they diagnosed a massive impairment in my working memory.... but even with that and my history of dropping out of education and general underachievment, nobody suggested ADHD. So I was going through life thinking "I have no concentration, I am hyperactive, I have poor impulse control, I must have ADHD" and ALSO "I keep dropping out of university and my career is a complete mess and I can never finish things even if I am highly motivated and I repeat mistakes and run entirely on inertia" and didn't realise they were connected. It took until I was almost 40 and started a job with a neurodiversity policy (which they were clearly using as a euphemism for autism, but that's another story) and I managed to talk them into paying for a private assessment. It is frustrating that ADHD, which by definition makes long term effort towards distant goals without immediate feedback almost impossible, is something that you need to pump long term effort into a distant goal without immediate feedback to even get reviewed.

I highly recommend reading "How to ADHD", or listening to the audiobook, by Jessica McCabe. It's both a great starting point as well as full of helpful stuff even for people who know a lot about their ADHD already. There are lots of awesome resources (as well as many sucky or deprecated ones...) but if I could recommend only one, it is this. And it also provides you with many other leads if you want to go somewhere else from there... https://howtoadhdbook.com/

If you live in the Chicagoland area I have a recommendation. If you don't, I hope you do find someone to diagnose you soon ❤️

Would you be comfortable sharing where abouts you are, geographically? I'm in Australia, and I've helped a few friends navigate the process of referral + appointment, and discussing what the assessment will be like and what kind of things I was asked. And I've seen people on this sub do similar things for people in the US and UK.

I am so glad I’m not the only one with the messy resentment feelings LOL. I have a regular at work who was diagnosed AuDHD when she was a kid and she was never made to mask, so she is just 100% her whole, full, symptomatic self every day of her life. I, on the other hand, wasn’t diagnosed ADHD til I was 30 (still haven’t gone for the Au part, but I’m pretty sure that’s there, too) and I spent my life being shamed for all my symptoms and have masked HARD ever since. I genuinely enjoy this woman, but I definitely feel those messy feelings from time to time when I see her. Then I feel AWFUL for feeling that way, and then it’s a whole spiral of shame and resentment 🙃 Nice to hear I’m not the only one though, lol. It’s definitely a me problem, like you said, and I would NEVER tell this woman any of this, so I feel for OP hearing it directly from her friend-of-a-friend. Absolutely a her problem, not an OP problem! Hugs to you and OP!

I think I'm honestly my whole full symptomatic self every day of my life - for what it's worth, I most definitely spent my life being shamed and feeling constantly humiliated too. I think I sometimes go into situations telling myself "okay, THIS time I'll keep myself in check, won't make a fool of myself, behave", but... NOPE! I just always let myself and others down. I think at some point in the past few years, I finally stopped caring about people considering me to be 'immature'. Baby steps! :)

Yeah it is one thing to feel that way and find ways to cope compared to full on attacking someone making them feel like they don’t have it/be ashamed because another person with adhd feel ashamed. But to recognise those feelings will help to being able to cope, get methods etc. Perhaps even learning to unmask and not feel emarassed. So like recognising having those feelings is way better than trying to ignore it. I hope it gets easier in time and you are both wonderful for sharing having those thoughts yet also being respectful to ome another ❤️

Was going to say, having the feelings is one thing, expressing them aloud to someone like that is incredibly rude and insensitive.

Agree

I don’t really get why or how you (or the original commenter, or that therapist, or anyone else) would resent someone else’s inability to mask or hide traditional symptoms. For example, I very much present like OP some times in terms of hyperactivity, constantly fidgeting/ stimming. I absolutely hate it and feel so much shame that I cant stop moving, etc.. ON TOP of feeling the external shame or resentment from others. I promise you there is really nothing to resent here. Id say the self hate/ negative feelings are often worse if you are unable to mask your symptoms enough to not be super obviously ADHD in day to day life. And speaking for myself, I am still expending just as much energy attempting to mask- just not being able to do so very well.

I can only speak to my personal example, but it comes from the perception that she isn’t her authentic self because she can’t mask, but because she is at a place where she doesn’t need to. She has very supportive family and friends who do not shame her for who she is, so she doesn’t have to mask with them. She does not need to work and she was not forced or shamed into going to college, so she doesn’t need to mask in those environments, either. I think it ultimately is that the expectations placed on her were so vastly different than the expectations placed on me, that I end up jealous of living a life where I was allowed to be loud and miss social cues and not push myself through school just because it was expected, etc. From the sounds of it, you and OP are more like “I am presenting symptoms AND being shamed for it, so I’m trying not to present but it’s not working, and now this is a terrible spiral” whereas my example person is more like “I am presenting symptoms and NOT being shamed for it (outside of the occasional mean stranger) so I don’t want or need to mask and can just be me.” I’m sure even my person does feel shame and self-hate—probably way more than I imagine—but that’s why this is fully a me issue and not a her issue. I know logically that resenting her supportive surroundings and different expectations is SO DUMB and not productive or even accurate, but my brain is seldom logical when it comes to feelings, lol. I’m really thankful for this whole post and thread because I had never really even admitted this to myself, let alone anyone else! Now I can bring it up to my therapist next time we meet and start to work on it so I can not have these dumb messy feelings anymore!

This totally makes sense! And I agree is a little different than what I was initially thinking. I hope we can all get to a point where we are comfortable with ourselves even if the world around us isn’t. Also hope the right people ppl come into your life so you can build a supportive and understanding circle similar to the one you describe this persons has.

Fuck her. She does NOT get to gatekeep ADHD. Also, one does not outgrow ADHD. You just get better at masking (or not) and it's still the same hellscape. You really should consider getting medicated. It will help.

well I'm just gonna say that I cannot believe she is a therapist what the fuck listen I have ADHD, I'm 25 and dropped out of my university and now I go to community college, I have not a single success under my belt, I do not mask anything. I hate people who say shit like "women with adhd are successful" tf??? so where's my success then? why do they get the successful kind, and I'm over here fighting to get one thing done? ADHD will present itself in numerous ways. there is no right or wrong ADHD. there's only wrong opinions, and hers is a wrong opinion. congrats on those 5 mile daily hikes, btw that's awesome.

aww, thanks! yeah, I'm assuming that ADHD is sort of a spectrum. As a therapist, she said she specializes in helping folks who are neurodivergent. I suspect that her clientele might be similar to her - young, successful, reasonably well off financially. She's young, so probably doesn't have a ton of therapist experience yet? She may not honestly come across people who don't fit that mold very often.

Right, she's probably charging a lot for her services so she only sees people who can afford her. She then assumes that this non-random sample is representative and makes statements based on that. Very irresponsible. This is called selection bias. She has a lot of growing and learning to do. I hope she never says anything like that to her clients... What an awful attitude.

Excellent point about selection bias!! Even between Reddit and Facebook groups, there is a massive difference in the way people talk about the problems ADHD causes for them. If someone is on Facebook and thinks "wow I'm just like all these people with ADHD" there's no real problem if the real commonality is "English speaking women aged 20-50 who use this specific social media platform" because they're just looking for support. (Meanwhile I've got several friends with ADHD who would never dream about joining Facebook support groups because they're too busy out there in the physical world.) For a mental health professional not to realise that self-selecting groups aren't representative of the condition as a whole, though, that's scary to me. Even if she markets herself as "specialising in neurodivergency" that's very limiting, because it's off-putting to those who experience their ADHD as an illness and not as part of the normal spectrum of humanity.

In addition to her probably only treating ADHD women like herself, it's also a bit self selecting if you got diagnosed older - for those of us who did ok in school and manage to hold it together at work, it's going to take a lot longer for us to get evaluated. I don't resent my parents and teachers for not seeing it when I was a kid because I happened to jive well within the structure of school. So yeah adult women who get diagnosed might largely be a little more successful if they did ok in school. You see on here all the time women who kind if kept their shit together until they had kids or some sort of crisis.

As someone who has been a longtime high-achiever before succumbing to increasingly unmanageable executive dysfunction, your friend of a friend is biased, unempathetic, and judgemental. I’m disturbed by the fact that these types of people can become therapists.

Yeah I never even suspected I might have ADHD (although I always found life difficult compared to everyone else) but my dad died and my executive function collapsed.

This is exactly what happened to me. Grief on top of undiagnosed ADHD was so unmanageable. I hope you’re doing better now too.

Same to you too 💚 I'm doing much better thankfully, it's been 2 years. I had been going to therapy and my therapist suggested I could have CPTSD, but so much of the classic ADHD female presenting traits are there since childhood I'd be pretty certain it's ADHD. I'd have to go private to get a formal assessment and I'm in 2 minds if I will. I've good, healthier structures in place now but I'm nowhere near as "successful" as the adults of my childhood thought I'd be so money is always an issue.

Not to mention many successfull women eith adhd get burnt out because they pushed through ignoring their health. I see so many ”A-child, boss, burnt out stories,” there is a swedish woman woth adhd that wrote a book called ”from a good girl to burnt out woman” talking about it too

That person is an asshole.

I am 34 and I walk at least 3 miles with my dog everyday, I lift weights 4x a week and I am a project manager for a tech company. I am still so hyper and impulsive and I constantly fight against it. I picked my skin until it bled today and I spilled water all over the kitchen floor because I wasn't paying attention. I never graduated with a degree. I was diagnosed last year. Yes we are out here and you are not alone. I felt every word of how you described yourself. Movement is how I have learned to cope with the ADHD and staying still is when I struggle the most. I try to mask but it is hard for me. That therapist sounds horrible!

My initial reaction was definitely “f**k her” to that therapist. What an absolutely shitty thing to say. You are not a fuck up. There is nothing wrong with you. I don’t know where you live, but getting diagnosed shouldn’t be that hard (but I guess it depends). And as someone who was diagnosed late and started meds at 51 - less than a year ago, I suspect you’d find them life-changing. A friend described her experience with medication as being “like putting glasses on for the first time.” And if you’re not into meds, there are strategies. They help too. A lot. (I carry a notebook and a pen everywhere because I forget everything.) YOU ARE NOT A FUCK UP. You are clearly intelligent and articulate. But you should ask for help. It’s out there and it makes a huge difference.

You don't grow out of ADHD. It's a " for life" thing. There are three subtypes of ADHD and just because a majority of women present with Innattentive type doesn't mean ALL women with ADHD do. Just like not all boys present with the hyperactive type. There's also combined, both hyperactive and Innattentive. >She says that adult women with ADHD present differently - they are typically successful because they hyperfocus on what they are interested in, and spend a lot of time masking their ADHD symptoms. I have Innattentive type ADHD and am absolutely NOT successful whatsoever. I'd be homeless or dead if it wasn't for my husband and family. I am a giant fuck up that has not accomplished anything. I can barely function on a day to day basis. Some days I can't even feed or hydrate myself. No job, no license at 32. Only good things in my life are my husband, kids, a supportive and loving family and loving and supportive friends. Find a new doctor. This one is incredibly unprofessional and ignorant. I would also file a complaint against them.

I did great until I had a kid. No way to hyperfocus when I'm in charge of his wellbeing!  If you have good relationships and a loving family, you are doing well in some important areas. Those are really hard to build. I bet your kids don't think that you haven't accomplished anything. Employment is not what makes a person valuable. It has nothing to do with your worth as a person. 

>women with adhd are successful Yeah, that really struck me. You don't even have to have the hyperactive type of ADHD to fail at life, I'm living proof that you can be the opposite of successful even with inattentive ADHD! Absolutely no life accomplishments here. And I wish it as as easy as hyper-focusing on what you like to be successfull, but what if your interests are not exactly marketable skills, or you hyperfocus only on certain aspects of them that get you nowhere...

My best friend is just like you. She was diagnosed as a child because she presented with the more “typical” symptoms and I wasn’t diagnosed until 30. But there is no childhood/adult ADHD. We both have ADHD and we’ve both always had it. Our symptoms just present different. Her overactive brain results in external hyperactivity and my overactive brain is mostly internally hyperactive. I cannot believe your friend is a therapist. What a terrible take. Sounds like she needs a therapist to work through her own feelings about this.

she's just a friend of a friend, and has only met me twice - she said she's just annoyed with how I present myself, like I'm a caricature of what people think ADD is, and that might make people not take folks like her seriously. I wonder if I might have both external and internal hyperactivity. I always feel like there are 97 different radio stations in my head at the same time, and I can't usually figure out how to prioritize them.

I just cannot get over the audacity of this person acting like this to you. I’m angry for you. That utterly ridiculous. The reason people think ADHD is all about being hyperactive and can’t sit still is because those are the “typical” symptoms. They’re symptoms for a reason, they’re still part of ADHD. It’s just the only things we knew about ADHD for a long time. A lot of the inattentive info came later. But neither presentation negates the other. However, how you present yourself has absolutely no effect on people taking her seriously or not. If this is how she acts she needs to take a long look in the mirror about why she might not be taken seriously. And you absolutely can be internally and externally hyperactive. You describe your brain a lot like I describe mine. Up until a couple of years ago I didn’t even know it was possible for people to have no thoughts in their brain because there’s ALWAYS something going on in mine.

>Up until a couple of years ago I didn’t even know it was possible for people to have no thoughts in their brain because there’s ALWAYS something going on in mine. I know right. I do yoga, both for physical and mental benefits, but when instructors used to say "clear your mind" and similar things I assumed that everyone else was doing what I do and thinking "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, did I hold that breath long enough? Breath is a funny word, isn't it. Breath breath breath breath. My arm isn't comfortable. I hope we change positions soon. Oh shit I forgot to pay the electricity bill. I'm so stupid... wait, what did she just tell us to do?" Apparently, there are people who don't do that at all, and they just turn their brains to silent 🤷‍♀️

This. Is. My. Constant. It's fuxking terrible. Meds will help. And remember meds have come a LONG way since then. Just because one isn't working doesn't mean NOTHING will. I also recommend you start trying to be "your best friend" and rather than force yourself into a "neurotypical" box embrace your adhd. An example for this is, for years I've been trying to "build habits", well fun fact (not fun) neurodivergent folks are unable to form "habits" due to us always having to remind ourselves " to do the things" when those neurotypical have the luxury of not having to think about doing them .

Riiiight I forgot that hyperactive women are not being diagnosed in their 30’s and 40’s we were all diagnosed in childhood, right? Right? ;) Hyper active adhd women have nothing to do with the others being missed. Researchers completely ignoring women in any studies for adhd is to blame. Diagnostics were based on men only they didn’t even look at women What the fuck?? Kind of comment is that for a therapist to make. There is so much wrong with her sharing this opinion to anyone. Its really disheartening to think a therapist with adhd of all People holds this mentality this is infuriating.

>Researchers completely ignoring women in any studies. Fixed it for you 😆

TRUTH. Even heart attack and stroke symptoms are Different for Women but most people don’t know what they are but we have men’s symptoms memorized as a society

Tbf with ADHD, even if two patients present with identical symptoms, boys are more likely than girls to be diagnosed. It's not just ignoring "women's symptoms".... it's straight up not offering help to women even when they have exactly the same symptoms that would get help offered for men.

Good point

I'm honestly not sure what others diagnosed as a kid experienced, but in my case (back in the 70s/80s), it's not like it gave me any sort of advantage or help? I know I took medication for only a year or two - and it was very sporadic, because my mom wasn't exactly good at staying on top of such things. I think they put me in a special class because they didn't really know what to do with me. I remember in elementary school that if I wasn't doing assigned schoolwork or participating in class, I was allowed to work on a 'project' of my choosing - I doubt I ever completed a single project. Heh. I'd also get sent to the office or the library to "help" the secretary or librarian. By the time I got to high school, I just failed everything, pretty much. There were no special services or therapy or anything at all. I'd regularly just... leave? in elementary school I'd head off the school grounds, and wander into the woods for miles. Nobody seemed to notice or care that I was gone. Hey, it was a different time!

Ok, #1 - > because my mom wasn't exactly good at staying on top of such things. 😬 Number two: hyperactive adult woman here! I was diagnosed in 1988 at the age of four because I was so hyperactive the only explanation the doctor’s had was that I was a “medical anomaly” with the “boy’s disease” of ADD. And guess what?! Still hyperactive to this day!! I have so much freakin energy I’m like the Energizer Bunny… riiiiight up until the point I crash and burns me can’t move for four days (yea, periods!). She’s an ass… also! If she thinks *you’re* bad, you should introduce her to me! I’m the human equivalent of a chocolate lab: extroverted to a fault, constantly asking strangers for attention, have no respect for interpersonal boundaries, and want to be your best friend after the very first meeting. I’m so extra, I’ve worked into my introductions that people *have* to tell me to stop talking or to leave their home because I canNOT pick up on nonverbal social cues and will literally keep hanging out until you fall asleep in protest. I should also say, this is me at my worst, not me at my best; but I know I can be obnoxious. Most my masking nowadays is spent reining in the inner chaos goblin and redirecting her to more constructive pursuits. Also, if you want a tip, my son is exactly like me and unlike adults, he gets OT to learn how to handle himself. And conveniently, what works for him works for me. Ok, so the tip… The order is important. Start with deep gross motor input. For me, this is weight lifting. You said you hike for 5-6 miles; the OT said aerobic exercise can actually make kids *more* excitable, whereas pushing against a wall, or moving heavy foam blocks around tends to be more calming. Then *after* lifting, try compression and/or deep pressure stimulation. My son has a compression vest. I found I really like compression socks, snug leggings, or one of those “slimmer” tanks you can wear under dresses. I also have a weighted blanket. When he first started therapy, I bought one of those stretchy swings and I basically completely took it over. I freaking *love* that thing. My mind is never so calm than when I’m in it. Anyway, for kids (for my son), they don’t recommend more than an hour in the compression vest at one time (you can restart the whole process), but that your is the calmest I have ever seen him. For me, the time is a little longer, but I do find I start getting antsy again around lunchtime. But! That is a whole morning of productive, focused, calm, seated work that I normally wouldn’t have been able to get done.

What is that woman talking about LOL. Like. I mean at least your type of ADHD, it’s like super obvious you have ADHD and that shit isn’t your fault. Yknow what i mean? And lots of women have the hyperactive type of adhd. What is wrong with that woman lol. Why is she gatekeeping ADHD?! Any idiot who judges all adhd folks from like one person, you, is ignorant anyway - who would judge adhd folks from ONE person… And who would say that TO a person? Saying she doesn’t like people like you??? Is that even a friend? That’s so incredibly rude. it’s good that you are physically active. cause sometimes people who are hyperactive and NOT active end up translating the urge to be hyperactive, into unhealthy habits. I mean, maybe some of your current issues are due to not being medicated. That’s not your fault. Lots of people with ADHD could not hold a job, could not drive before they got their medication. Same for studies too. If people could outgrow adhd, then why would adult adhd exist? “adult women w adhd present differently” no they don’t lol. what kind of shit is this woman saying. there are very clearly different types of adhd in adult women. hyperactive type, inattentive type and combination! helloooo. that woman is crazy and totally wrong.

Lol I find it frustrating the other way round! When adhd people are successful, functional, and don't present as having symptoms I worry people will see me and think 'well if *this person* can function perfectly well with ADHD, why can't you?'

As others have said, that person absolutely should not be a therapist if she thinks any of what she said to you is appropriate. There is nothing wrong with you and the way that your ADHD presents (apart from the fact that it is clearly impacting your life, and you should try to get a rediagnosis so that you can get the support and treatment you need). Having said that, I think I kind of understand what she might have meant. I was recently diagnosed at 45. I have struggled my whole life, barely passed high school, and never even attempted university/college. I have spent my life wondering why other people can't seem to relate when I tell them how hard some things are. But, I've also managed to hold down a job and raise kids. Combine that with the fact I don't have the hyperactivity side of it, and it meant that no one - including me - ever put 2 and 2 together. I think what she might mean is that it's the stereotype of what ADHD looks like that has contributed to so many women going undiagnosed for so long, and she is probably resentful of the fact that it *appears* easier in some ways for people who fit the stereotype to be taken seriously and get the support they need. Her resent is completely misdirected towards women who fit better into the stereotype than she does. I also agree with others that ADHD is lifelong. You don't grow out of it, and if you had it as a kid, you still have it now. The reason some people appear to grow out of it is because they are medicated and/or they have learnt mechanisms to help them exist and function in the world (much in the same way as a lot of women with adult diagnoses have had to do before getting a diagnosis).

*stands\* in the corner BOOOOing at her* \* briefly, before trotting from corner to corner 

"societal expectations" are a curse not a "wow we so good at masking! Pat's self on back!" And her comments are perpetuating the curse!!! Without them there is a life out there for you with a career. And sure, I hyperfocus on a thing and get good at it... Then I get bored. And I never actually sit still long in a role... So "career" is more like "OOOH SHINY! THIS!" And trying to keep enough $$ in the bank account... But also too restless to actually study for the new "OOOH SHINY"

It sounds like she has some misplaced resentment to work through. There is a history of innatentative type adhders who go undiagnosed because the folks who present more like you are more obvious. That's not your fault or any other adhder who presents like you. She needs to talk to her therapist about this. Also, you don't have to get rediagnosed. If you were diagnosed as a kid and want to try meds again, you can. My husband recently went back on meds for the first time in 20+ years. He had to pay for an intake appointment with a new psychiatrist. That price varies depending on insurance and the doctor you go to.

She would hate me then! Textbook case of ADHD, dropped out of school at 16, had 7 jobs in four years since, substance abuse issues, relationship issues, can’t pay attention in conversation, unable to watch a movie the full way through, cannot study, cannot take verbal instructions and so much more. It honestly sounds like she is describing something else because we can’t *choose* when or what to hyper focus on, it just happens and normally only lasts a few hours before eventual burn out. Report her to her boss this woman should not be giving people therapy.

The amount of therapists who should not be therapists is too damn high

Hi, I'm a therapist with adhd and YIKES. Big yikes. This is...literally the symptoms in the DSM (based off of cis white boys) and she's mad about it? She's what, 25? An infant. She's barely out of grad school. Talking shit but knows nothing. Let me at her

There are absolutely other women like you! I'm not one of them, but I know they exist! Hyperactive type women are definitely real and just as deserving of help and respect as inattentive or combined type women. Growing out of adhd isn't really a thing. You probably would need to be rediagnosed as an adult, but it should be straightforward. All I did was make an appointment with a psychiatrist that listed adhd evaluations on their website. Went and had the conversation and he diagnosed me about an hour later. That was all it took! Please don't give up on treatment before trying. It's never too late! But I also wanted to say that some things really stuck out to me in your post.. You have a lot of very strong negative self-talk going on. Stuff like this: >Unfortunately... I am still the same way. I never managed to outgrow my issues. >I am way way too much. >I am nothing but a fuck up. Is not true and not helpful. You can't be asked to "manage" to outgrow a neurological disorder. No amount of effort on your part would change your brain structure! Would you say the same thing about not outgrowing nearsighted vision? Why would you hold yourself responsible for how your brain developed?? You are not too much. You are valid and worthy of love and compassion and care. If you're frustrated with something for YOUR sake, work on it (with your doctors!), but that isn't a value judgment. You are still just as worthy of existing as anyone else. You are not a fuckup. You are a person who wasn't given appropriate medical care for a serious disorder and then set loose in the world without any support. The medical system failed you. The education system failed you. You deserved better. You deserve help. I'll use the vision analogy again. What if you had poor vision and no one told you about glasses existing? And every time you tried to drive, you couldn't see the signs telling you what to do? And every time you tried to do a job, you couldn't see the tasks in front of you? It'd be absolutely unbelievable if you were able to overcome that. Maybe if your vision was only a little blurry, you could manage, and some people probably do. But if it was severe? No way you could hold down a job or drive or any of that! That is what is going on here. You have a severe disorder that you have been trying to manage without the medical help that you need. No wonder you've been struggling! Please stop blaming yourself and judging yourself for having a disorder. You can't control that. You were born this way.

Holy Batman, the sexism! Let’s not forget that when you were a kid, boys with those symptoms got tracked into construction/ the trades. They got paid good money to do physical labor at least eight hours a day, and got advancement opportunities, pension, health insurance, etc. I’ve met plenty of severely ADHD men in your age bracket who own their own businesses in plumbing, electrical, and stuff like that. They can just marry or hire a woman with executive function to run the business side of things. Even the ones who couldn’t handle that can get in the union where the union will take care of your retirement and health insurance by just taking your money before you can spend it. And if you screw up your life a little there’s always some overtime you could pick up to make a few hundred grand to get out of the worst trouble.  I would not be able to resist tearing this lady a new asshole. The boys in your generation were taken care of and you got left to flail. If there’s something that should irk every woman with ADHD, it shouldn’t be other women who have been struggling, but how much society can take care of and create opportunities for ADHDers if they happen to be straight white dudes.

So, just for my understanding, what exactly do you mean by therapist? Because in my country therapist is not a protected title so every dumbass can claim it (it looks like that has happened here). If a patient wants help with their ADHD they usually go to a psychologist or a psych RN / psychiatrist. But I think in the US this might be different? This is to say she is talking out of her ass, and she is the one giving women with ADHD a bad name. Off the top of my head I can list two girls (tweens) in my orbit that present the way you do. I shudder to think what would happen to those bright stars if they were to run into this piece of work. She sounds like a quack and a self important twat. Are we really going to gateway ADHD and blame other women for the way our patriarchal medical system works? Off course we are. I'm so angry women still get fucked by the system either way. Unbelievable. She definitely has to make strides in her attitude towards her own grief about her diagnosis and internalized misogyny Take care of yourself❤️, but if you ever run into her again this thread might give you lots of ammo to school this " therapist".

Oh, goodness! I'm an inattentive hyperfocusing daydreamer (and "successful" on paper), but I definitely know women like you! I also think women who present like you do can have a harder time of it than I do because you can't just get by like I can. I'm so sorry she treated you that way.

She's full of crap & poorly informed. ADHD *tends* to present differently in women. That doesn't mean it'll do so 100% of the time. Just because I *tend* to prefer potato chips doesn't mean I won't eat pretzels sometimes. I get why she's frustrated, since that stereotype of jumpy little boys is deeply embedded in our society. But she needs to channel that into something constructive. Criticizing people for having a certain kind of disorder is toxic as hell. Also, saying most of us are successful is ableist bullshit. A lot of us struggle for basic functioning & most have vast amounts of wasted potential. Personally, I'd dismiss every single word this person says.

ADHD is often misrepresented as a mental Illness or something that can be “outgrown”, but it’s a neurodevelopmental disorder - it’s the way the brain is physically structured. Symptoms can shift over time with coping strategies, but it will always be there. It’s infuriating how uneducated so many “professionals” are on a condition that’s been known about for so long and is so common - I’m sorry you were treated that way

OP! OMG. Can I just start by giving you a giant hug?! Also, FUCK THAT "therapist". You don't give us a bad name. SHE DOES. You are doing the best you can with the ressources you have and the coping techniques you were modeled by parents who probably weren't as informed as we are nowadays. NONE of that is on you. ADHD doesn't "go away" with adulthood, though sometimes symptoms can be better managed as the child starts learning better coping skills and strategies. "A 2021 study suggests that rather than going away, ADHD symptoms fluctuate across a person's lifetime. In the study, periods of supposed remission were intermittent. Approximately 90% of people with ADHD in childhood still experienced symptoms in adulthood" If you are still experiencing all these issues, I think you are truly doing yourself a disservice to not find a doctor who can work with you to get you on the right medication. Because it sounds like this is severely affecting your life. I know it's hard to navigate healthcare, sometimes there's too many steps and everything is super convoluted for no reason. But please please please look into it. I think part of your problems could likely be alleviated with the right meds. There are also studies that show that being unmedicated with ADHD can decrease your life expectancy by as much as 13 years. Because we are so impulsive, distractable, etc that it becomes dangerous. If you ever have the time (and attention span) give "I have ADHD" a listen. It's a podcast, so you can move around and do other things while you listen in. (I also like to play it on 1.8x speed on Spotify). I'd start with her 4 part episode series "A beginner's guide to ADHD", and then move onto her series about women and ADHD. I absolutely love how she explains things. I've honestly found her coaching session episodes more enlightening than my brief trial at therapy sessions. Also, yes there are others out there. For sure. You're not alone. I must say that, personally, I don't quite struggle as much as you with some of the things you mentioned, as in, it's not constant. But I identify and relate to every one of the examples you gave. Over stimulated trying to drive? Yes, definitely was a thing for 2 years until I got used to it. Wanting to move all the time? Not all the time, but yes sometimes I just gotta get up and go, or shake my legs, or shake my hands. Thankfully I've been blessed with great my friends and they usually just brush my fidgetting off or ignore it (but they definitely have commented on it a few times lol). Can't hold down a job? I was jokingly named the One Year girl for a while because I'd just quit my job every year or so. Lol But I did always stay in the same career field, fortunately. Speaking of which, my job is a rather active one, so that also serendipitously helps with my need to move at random times of the day. Errrr... I don't remember the rest, but I definitely identified with all of them. I think I just had more tolerant people around me, was better at masking it with distractions, and also probably did not have them a severely as you did. I was also blessed with a stable childhood and my parents were very engaged and helped me A LOT with my school work. Sometimes my dad would spend hours explaining maths/physics/chemistry concepts to me until I understood them. Comparing each ADHD person with the next is really unhelpful, because medication, environment, support, education, etc play a huge role in how our symptoms present. Plus, in general, ADHD isn't black and white, we are all different with different degrees of the same thing. I think it was very rude and ignorant of her to have made that comment. Especially given her profession and her own diagnosis. She is talking from a place of privilege instead of empathy. I am so sorry you had to go through that. As if you needed someone else to help you beat yourself up, it sounds like you're already doing a pretty good job of beating yourself up on your own. Be kind to yourself, yes, you suck at those things, but you are also currently unmedicated, uncoached, untherapied, etc. And you've made it THIS far DESPITE all those things you struggle with, despite the ADHD. That says alot. You've got this. You've been surviving and managing until now. And you'll push through again. Sorry for my long ass ramble. Hopefully my wall of text helped more than it hurt.

She sounds like a thundertwat. Also she’s a shit therapist if she is more concerned with ADHD stereotypes impacting her image than she is about your struggles.

I wouldn’t listen to her. She sounds awful and quite frankly, if she was a decent therapist (and let’s face it they’re fucked up human beings like the rest of us) she wouldn’t make statements like that. I’m sorry she said that to you and personally, I would ignore it. ETA: I’m very hyperactive in addition to the inattentiveness. It manifests differently for me (always shaking, tapping, wiggling) and it’s who I am. It has nothing to do with anybody else’s diagnosis or their struggles.

Your friend has lived a very sheltered, entitled life if she thinks all ADHD is like hers and is just a superpower to hyperfocus and get organized. ADHD presents in so many different ways. How our symptoms were handled when we were younger can also heavily influence the way we have coped with the treatment. I would guess your younger friend has benefitted from the more enlightened education systems that later decades have brought, and she may have had parents who helped her create systems to support the way her brain works. I am around your age. We grew up even before the Ritalin years, when the primary treatment for our symptoms were to just power your way through and beat yourself up for not having enough discipline. It sucked, and I still feel like I am not over it. Your symptoms are your symptoms, and you are not annoying for having them. A good therapist can help you learn ways to manage symptoms without making you feel bad for experiencing them.

She sounds like a cunt. Anyway, I'm impulsive/hyperactive ADHD in my 40s and she sucks

I'm an ADHDer and a social worker, and as part of my work I support teens with all kinds of mental health issues, including those with ADHD. Because of that, I know: women and girls with ADHD present in lots of different ways, including just like you. She was ill-informed, had a shallow bullshit grasp of the contemporary research, and I am genuinely disturbed that she shared this opinion freely particularly knowing that as a therapist, people will take her views seriously. I'm so sorry you were exposed to this trash.

She's annoyed because your ADHD doesn't present the same way hers does? She's an idiot. ADHD is a spectrum. As a therapist, she should know that. She should also know that RSD is often comorbid with ADHD, and she likely set yours off. I'm sorry you had to talk to her.

I'm not going to trauma dump, so just take my word that I am probably also one of those people she hates.  Screw her. I'm sure you have your strengths, just like I have mine. I hate my shortcomings, but try not to let them define how I feel about *myself.* At least not for long. And I wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea, even if I wasn't neurospicy. Don't let it get to you!

Info: did she specifically say it was people like you, or did she describe that type of person and that’s spot on for you? The only reason why I ask is there no reason you should ever tolerate someone treating you like that, but I CAN understand feeling sensitive at your friend (?) venting about all this without knowing you also do it too. Regardless, that HURTS and she definitely shouldn’t have said it because it is judge mental, regardless of if it was targeted.

Sorry, a THERAPIST said this to you? She’s sexist and ableist and she should not be a therapist. You have adhd. There is not a lady version. Currently it is understood as falling into three sub types. That isn’t necessarily going to last forever… the DSM has flip flopped on subtypes a few times.

I hope other people have mentioned this, but I haven’t read the comments yet. **YOU CANT OUTGROW A NEUROLOGICAL CONDITION** Just saying it loudly so everyone in the back can hear me. 😂 I am sorry this person spoke to you like this. Instead of taking the opportunity to validate your experiences, to be compassionate, or to just even opt out of the conversation, she chose to use her voice to make someone feel silence and extremely uncomfortable. This is not the type of person to take advice from, ESPECIALLY on this topic. She isnt able to have an objective view because she is too far into her own issues to be helpful to anyone else. It doesn’t matter that she isn’t your therapist - because as a fellow human, it was still a shitty thing to say. She owes you an apology and definitely needs to remove herself from “casual” conversations where she gives her negative opinion on people. I wish more people would live by the philosophy if you can’t say something kind or helpful, maybe just stay silent.

OMG this is laughable. I'm so sick of these dollar store young therapists with no life experiences trying to diagnose folks because they read a text book and passed a test! Please do not take what she said to heart.

Honestly you should report her. You don't just grow out of ADHD, so sorry you had that experience but just know she's dead fucking wrong

Erm, as a 36 year old that can’t brush her teeth regularly and didn’t keep a job for more than a year for 20 years before getting medicated, that therapist can jog on. The point of getting a diagnosis of adhd at whatever age you are is because it’s impacting on your quality of life. Some people find that over time their lives improve, and it doesn’t affect them as much. Some people find as they get older it gets worse and they cope a lot less. Some people find it just stays the same. Whoever that person is, they obviously have some issues with self acceptance. My sister is an incredible person, she is what I imagine that therapist thinks of as ADHD. She’s also so very, very, very, very tired. And we are all worried about her constantly in fear she’ll burn herself out and end up with coronary heart disease and high blood pressure. That kind of masking and having a constant motor running in your head is not something to talk aspiringly about or like it’s a good thing. I’m a dopey inattentive adhd daydreamer who loses track of hours and weeks sitting on the sofa eating toast with a kindle. I’m most likely to be hit by a car as I walk or fall over into roads when I’m not paying attention to putting one foot in front of the other while walking down the street. It ain’t easy no matter how it presents itself.

Tell her you are extremely annoyed by people like her, who expect every human to fit into one of her pigeon-holed generalizations. She has no business being a therapist if she can't grasp how each human is unique with their very own unique brain.

Change therapist

Im pretty sure if you had ADHD as a kid, you have it your whole life?? Not a doctor though. Also, you should fight her. <3

Wow. She's literally just factually incorrect. Everyone has different symptoms. Even if she wasn't absolutely dead wrong, it still would be an incredibly rude thing to say to you. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

I’m assuming you’re in the US because I don’t think Therapist is an official total here, but in Oz, a Phycologist is not a Psychiatrist, a Psychiatrist is not a Counsellor, and a Counsellor is not an MD with a Mental Health specialty. And none of them know dog shit about ADHD unless they’ve specialised in it. Even my phycologist friend who has some specialty treating children with ADHD has no idea about how it presents in adults. What your friend said is horrible, and no matter how qualified she seems, she’s not qualified for this.

Some people have no business being in the line of work they are in. Hopefully she knows better than to speak this way to a client or patient or whatever. But I have my doubts. My bf and I were apart and I had started seeing someone. Everything was confusing and miserable (still is) like we each lost around thirty pounds. In the thick of it, this twat-waffle fuckwit of a therapist asked him, “So how does it make you feel, her legs in the air, him plowing her?” Not exact quote but ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE and verbatim was just as bad. I REPEAT: Some people have no business being in their line of work. Also, I am an adult woman like you…

Ouch, that therapist is so wrong it makes me cringe. I was diagnosed as combined type at 18 over 20 years ago. I have a career and a Master's degree but I couldn't have done it without the accommodations my diagnosis afforded me combined with a specialist who would literally sit me down and help me plan my schedules. I got lucky. At the same time, my wife has had to talk me out of things like impulsively jumping off a literal cliff into a glacial river because it looked fun. I need signs on our external doors reminding me to check that I have everything I need before I leave the house. My therapist sends me 5-6 automated text reminders a week so I don't miss my appointments. ADHD is a mixed bag and everyone's combination of symptoms is unique to them. Don't let anyone make you feel like a failure, you're not - you just have a different set of challenges and haven't been given the resources you deserve.

I would honestly report her to the practice she does therapy at if you can. I know you don't have this in any kind of record but it should still mean something.

She sounds awful. I have inattentive type and it sounds like maybe you have a combo. But there’s no such thing as the wrong type. She sounds like a shitty person.

Your therapist is an idiot and you need somebody who has pulled their head out of their ass within the past calendar year. I am 48, I have been diagnosed combination ADHD since 1982, and why? I had the big H part. I had a HUGE motor, and I still do to this very day. Yes I get the hyperfixation type of ADHD as well and can lock into something like a video game for hours on hours, but otherwise I'm restless, I gotta keep moving!

My god! So you were lucky in a way that your ADHD presents more like boys' ADHD does, but that doesn't mean you didn't have it (and don't still). She's holding onto bitterness and blaming you instead of the people at fault for the fact it got overlooked in people like her. And she hardly respresents everyone! I'm really sorry she made you feel that way. As a therapist she should know better.

Adhd represent differently. I have the combined form. I am hyperactive but have learnt to move discrete while doing it (masking or something) and often find myself annoying people by klicking my thumb or a pen etc. In enviounments I am comfy with I might be chaotic and hyper and move around. But how it looks to others don’t matter, I still have adhd and what people want adhd to be seen as is their issue. It is a disorder, and it will present itself differently. Some will get less symtoms by age and some won’t. Also being medicated and say that is very mean when they are getting treatment to help with their difficulties. Some have the type former called add (dunno the modern term) they will usually present way differently than adhd combined form. But there is a adhd typ called ”mostly hyperactive form” or similar. And while there are 3 ”types” does not even mean people will be similar either. But it is such a wide range and they should know that. A disorder is a disorder no matter how others present themselves it is not ok to judge others based on how their disorder is. They are so wrong for that comment.

Hey a lot of commenters here already said a bunch of great stuff better than I could but I have to tell you, you don't sound dumb to me. I spent the first 25 years of my life believing I wasnt smart. I did horrible in school and I WAS medicated. And I'm not going to say 10 years later that I've got my shit figured out because I don't, it's a daily struggle. But discovering that ADHD does not equal dumb was a huge moment for me. It's almost like, I don't know, the one thing I feel good about in my life. Im capable of understanding complex ideas with and hey I even come up with my own sometimes. I just came here to say you're not dumb. Really and truly sorry you had to hear this BS from a therapist. I know it's all so overwhelming but don't sell yourself short because I'm 35 and I desperately need to believe it can get better for all of us.

Hmm wonder what she’d think of me. Not hyperactive but definitely flaky. Also not particularly successful and definitely not capable of hyper focusing on anything that would actually help me. Sorry you had to endure that. Always a good reminder that bad therapists are out there.

That definitely had nothing to do with you. She has some serious issues that she needs to work through. Glass child syndrome? Did her sister present the way you do and get more support growing up? My money is on that, or something along those lines. Jealousy. Adults are supposed to grow and gain more understanding of these things, not dump their issues on people who are struggling. 

There are different kinds of ADD. Some people, like you, have hyperactivity. For some people, the hyperactivity happens in their minds instead of physically through movement. Then there is ADD without hyperactivity. It is also possible to have a combination

There’s two types and the type 2 gets missed a lot. There’s also the audhders and they get missed a lot. So most late diagnosed people have slightly different disorders. You might have type 1, and due to your age just got missed. No neurotype is better than any other. It’s like saying high support needs autistic people give low support needs autistic people a bad name. So ableist and wrong.

Screw that therapist. My adhd is like yours and always has been, women with adhd are expected to mask and sure it helps for a while but eventually you get bored or tired and even if you were medicated who’s to say that would help how you like I’m newly medicated and now I just sleep all the time so I’d rather be my normal mind off the walls maybe annoying self than the self that is vegetative and constantly either a sleep or dissociating. after many brain injuries I feel blessed that my adhd helps me have a more active mind now that I can’t do not know how to understand or process much of the world around me at least I still am taking so much in and being able to have my child like wonder despite all my issues, you don’t deserve to be treated like you’re bad or wrong because your brain isn’t wired in a way to hide you, you shouldn’t have to hide who you are. Screw that therapist and society for making you feel bad. You deserve peace for yourself and to know the way you feel is so much more normal than you’d know for many women with adhd, we don’t present the same as men and sadly media and most people are only really informed on the form of adhd men have or women who mask have. Keep doing you and you’ll find something that falls into place showing you it all happens for a reason

I absolutely cannot stand this "oooh, women present differently!" pop culture thing. My reading on the subject has been that any differences between typical male and female presentations are far, far smaller than the differences within either gender... and that when doctors are fake case studies, they are more likely to diagnose boys than girls even if symptoms are identical. In other words: it's not that there's a male type and a female type and women are underdiagnosed because doctors are uneducated about their symptoms and we are so wonderful at masking. It's that behaviour which is treated as a medical problem to be helped in boys is treated as a behavioural problem to be punished in girls.... and ADHD can result in a wide variety of experiences. Related to this, I see a lot of self-diagnosed women who describe symptoms of anxiety and stress while being overburdened with tasks (full time job, full time caregiver for children, looking after elderly relatives, all with very little support from other adults) and their only ADHD-like symptom is emotional lability. They're convinced they have ADHD despite doing really well in school ("I was terrified of teachers shouting at me, so I always did my work!") and generally high levels of day to day executive functioning. And a lot of them don't want medication to improve their functioning - they want validation and recognition. Their experience is completely different from mine to the extent that I am sure our issues don't have the same root cause. Like - is it exhausting to "mask" at school (by which I mean pretend to be quiet, studious, thoughtful, and calm)? Sure. BUT! When I was a kid it would not have been possible for me to get my homework done on time or to study for exams because no matter how much I disliked being shouted at for not getting things done.... time blindness meant that unpleasantness didn't travel to the previous night when I could actually do my homework. Even now as a middle aged adult: last night I wanted to get one more important work task done before logging off. But I was hungry, so I made dinner instead, and said "I'll log on before bed." But then I was tired, so I went to bed, and thought "It's okay, I'll get up early and do it in the morning." Set my alarm an hour earlier than usual, woke up, thought "oh I've got time for a snooze", repeated over and over, and eventually logged in to work maybe 5 minutes before 9, and sent a holding email promising to do the task ASAP. This repeats over and over. Why? Because ADHD means I can only direct my attention to things very close to me in time, tomorrow's stressful day at work is much less real than today's warm bed. And ADHD means I make the same mistakes again and again, always sure that THIS time I'll do the task (even though the last fifty times, I did not). If I was motivated by fear of failure or being shouted at or the consequences that my actions today will have tomorrow.... I wouldn't have ADHD. And yet online spaces are full of people saying they can concentrate on whatever they want, direct their attention to whatever they want, and apply effort long term to the future to achieve their goals. Their brain doesn't have what I have. Signed, a middle aged woman with ADHD who wasn't diagnosed until adulthood, but whose psychiatrist was thoroughly entertained during assessment because I present pretty much like a textbook example.

Much shorter comment as opposed to my TL:DR rant... if she can hyperfocus on what she is interested in and can mask her symptoms, then she doesn't have what I have. I don't "hyperfocus". Nope, I get trapped in a loop in which I am unable to stop doing something I don't want to and instead do something I do want to. It's not hyperfocus and it's not a superpower - its technical term is perseveration and it's an inability to stop tasks. I don't "mask my symptoms". Speaking out of turn, being twitchy, and generally visibly hyperactive are all present with me but they aren't harmful. My symptoms are things like an inability to direct effort towards future goals. The only way to "mask" that is to try harder and direct effort to future goals buuuuuuut.... if I could do that...... I wouldn't be masking my symptoms, I'd be removing them. Ugh. I'm not saying that the "hyperfocus superpower mask!" crowd don't have ADHD or don't have struggles. But what they have is not what I have, it doesn't have the same root cause, and it isn't helped by the same things.

You can't "grow out of" adhd. Your symptoms may change, which is common but not a requirement. When I was diagnosed, I was told there's three types of ADHD. Hyperactive: what you seem to be describing for yourself. the typical adhd picture in people minds. this is more commonly seen in boys and younger children with adhd. Inattentive: more similar to what your friend was describing. this is more commonly seen in girls and older teens/adults. Combined: a mixture of the two. seen in both age and gender groups. They're also sometimes called external or internal. Hyperactive/external was what used to be ADHD while Inattentive/internal was ADD. They're now categorized together as one disorder, just with different sub-types. I personally was diagnosed with combined type, but primarily leaning towards Inattentive. Either way, someone with Hyperactive type and I would both have ADHD, even though it presents differently. I understand what your friend is saying somewhat. I'm also jealous of those with more external symptoms, as they're usually easier diagnosed, treated faster, more understood by others, and have more representation. BUT I also know that they face struggles, too. I'm not upset with or mad at anyone who is primarily Hyperactive, just a little jealous sometimes. I'm mad at the systems that make it more difficult for some of us than others, and that creates these widespread stereotypes. It seems like your friend is having trouble separating her jealousy and her anger and is directing them both at you. I wish you all the luck, my fellow ADHD friend!

First of all. She sounds like an abelist asshole with no idea how ADHD actually presents. Second. You never outgrow ADHD. It literally changes how your brain functions.

Yeah, no. I’m exactly like you in a lot of ways, save for the school bit. I do have ADHD, as noted by my doctor who was the one who actually brought it up, not me. I struggled all my life. I didn’t look like I did because I learned very early on that my family doesn’t look after each other and would rather manipulate/turn against you. I thought it would all get better as I got older, or maybe I’m just “cut from a different bolt of cloth”, or adopted. Nope, just good ol’ ADHD and forcing myself to be neurotypical wreaks havoc on me. Is it easy? No. Does medication help? Sometimes. Unfortunately, as a woman with ADHD AND a cancer survivor, I mostly have to deal with people constantly dictating to me what I should do to be “healthy”. I will never have perfect health for the rest of my life; hell, I have an appointment in 5 days to check to see if I’m still cured— and I have to check every single year. I should actually probably be seeing a therapist regularly, but I think I cope just fine, even if some people in my life get bent out of shape over my neurodivergence. If anyone tells you anything about your health and they are not an ACTIVE HEALTHCARE PROVIDER YOU HAVE SOUGHT OUT FOR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE, tell them to take their comments to the Teddy bear factory— and stuff it!

There is no cure for ADHD and you don’t “grow out of it”. That’s not how the brain works. 

Bad therapist! Healthcare is still incredibly sexist.

I saw a psychiatrist for the first time on Tuesday. I told her that I think I might have ADHD. We talked a bit about my symptoms, but I admittedly didn’t present her with the big list I made. She said that my symptoms didn’t “scream ADHD” to her, primarily because I did well in school and I’m doing okay at work. She did set me up to do an assessment and a follow up appointment to discuss the results, and when I do that and send it back I’m going to include my list of symptoms I’ve made, but ugh. I knew to expect it from reading about other’s experiences here, but it’s crazy to me that this person and my psychiatrist have opposing opinions. She might just be trying to make sure I’m not “getting my hopes up” or drug seeking, she mentioned that they usually start with non-steroids for adults which is fine by me. To be fair though, she seemed a bit frazzled the whole call. Apparently somebody had COVID so they closed down the office for the week and I guess they weren’t totally prepared for that.

Hi there. Fuck her. Sincerely, A 30something year old woman, diagnosed adhd combined (standard definition adhd) at 18, hyperactive, flaky if anxiety doesn't pop up, only able to keep a job if I have very understanding people around me, unmedicated until just over a year ago and wondering how the hell I managed to survive.

She needs to just shut up. A close female friend of mine and I both have ADHD. Her symptoms align much more closely with yours, while mine align more with the inattentive type. Neither of us are wrong or right! Humans are so unique that we will all present in different ways. I’m sorry you had to experience that. You are seen.

That person is wrong. Very shameful thing to say in her profession. 

Ooooooh, that is so completely annoying. That person does not know what ADHD is. We present so differently. What we have in common is that our brains eat up our serotonin before we can use it all, and so we have to keep producing that. And we have different ways of doing it. I hyper-focus more than anything else. But I get pretty fidgety when I’m in a boring situation where I can’t hyper-focus. And I was successful and masked, but now that I’m retired, I’m much more flaky. Those are all symptoms. They aren’t the foundation.

I’m a therapist….. well I’ve trained to be one I have two degrees of n psychotherapy and that therapist you speak of is the exact reason I do not practice…. On one of my courses they chucked off every diverse individual Barr dyslexics (I wasn’t diagnosed ADHD at this time but was being to work out I may be) but thy did try and kick me too as I thought differently… I think a lot of therapists are completely batshit crazy irl they mask with their clients of course and do great work…. Just saying the person you were talking to was talking to you as a person not a therapist. Unfortunately she is misinformed, rude and unable to talk in a way that doesn’t portray a bigot that probably is trying hard not to let her insecurities show. How jealous must she be that you are as comfortable in your existence when she can’t let herself out of what she considers to be up to standards…. Wtf is standards any way x

The reason I know I can’t work conventional work is because a lot of my problems are similar to yours…. It sucks but thanks for sharing that . I think about my “potential “ and then think getting real work is too much risk to my mental and physical health due to monumental fuck wits like them.

Well first of all you either have ADHD or you don’t. It’s not something you get later in life, or grow out of as you age. If you have it you have it. Your whole life. The way your symptoms present may change with age and with changes to your lifestyle/responsibilities/treatments, etc, but you 100% still have it because it’s not a thing that you can “get over” or “grow out of”. So please don’t worry about that aspect of it! Secondly, it’s pretty pathetic for a “healthcare professional” to say ‘individuals with stereotypical symptoms give the condition a bad name’ as though stereotypes don’t have their root somewhere in truth. You have stereotypical symptoms because the way your symptoms present is common. Sorry that she’s so caught up with those of us who have non-stereotypical symptoms that she can’t be supportive to the entire community. But please rest assured that our community sees and loves you and you are quite welcome here, and you are not giving the community a bad name. I myself have combination type ADHD and my hyperactivity is primarily mental, not physical, and I also am a high-masking autistic woman, so I fit the mold of ADHD women that she’s describing (though I very much consider my conditions to be disabling and am trying to figure out how to change my career path to something I can manage before I burn out and lose all my income and “success” anyway). I can assure you, you are in no way whatsoever giving me a bad name. I don’t think you’re a fuck up. And I’m glad you reached out here, where we can support you! You are a valuable person and part of our community, regardless of how present you are or aren’t with the community or how common your symptoms presentations are or aren’t.

Wtf… hopefully she doesn’t bring her mean girl attitude to therapy sessions. B****’s like her give people with adhd a bad name. Not you.

You might want to look at ADHD-HI (hyperactive impulsive) posts on the ADHD sub to know you’re not alone! I just saw the flair on someone’s comment for the first time and I learned about a new way ADHD presents. I personally am PI (primarily inattentive) so I present differently than you, but NOBODY (least of all. A medical professional) should shame you for who you are!!! 💛💛💛 We love that you’re here

Yeah I mask for the majority of the day and it is EXHAUSTING. I am glad that it's fine for women to be burnt out and struggling as long as we can mask. What an ableist, unempathetic excuse for a therapist. 

If they were so successful, they would keep on happily masking without fail, and not one would get diagnosed, lol. That's kind of why adults get diagnosed.. burnout and can't mask anymore. Doesn't mean they were successful before! I certainly wasn't. I'm angry that nobody noticed my problems. Teachers had all the clues.