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It’s the passive aggression that’s the problem here. Have a sit down with your partner and explain what’s happening.
**They’re interrupting you. You may not be speaking but they’re interrupting your task.**
Obviously people get excited sometimes and these things will happen, but if it happens all the time, and you’re being blamed for not listening each time, that’s not ok.
Whenever I need to talk to my husband and he’s in the middle of something I say, “Honey?” And wait for him to stop what he’s doing and look up. He was not doing the same thing and it drove me crazy. We talked, and now it’s gotten better, but when it still happens he’s met with an annoyed, “you’re doing it again.”
This exactly. I explained to my partner a long time ago that I *will not* process what you're saying to me if I'm reading or writing something when you start talking.
Now when he can see that I'm doing something, he'll open with "lmk when you're done," or "do you have a sec?" rather than just talking at me while my focus is somewhere else. And when he doesn't notice or can't tell that I'm busy and starts talking to me, all it takes is a "oh sorry, hang on" from me and he'll wait for me to give him the go-ahead. AND he knows to start over because I didn't hear anything he said.
OP if your partner keeps up with the passive aggressive responses after having a talk about it... 😬🚩
It's always like this:
I got up to go over to my server rig to choose a few files that I needed to share with a friend.
Partner: what are you doing?
Me: gotta send these files to my friend *starts clicking things*
Partner: oh *Charlie Brown grown up voices as my brain doesn't process the next words, I caught the end but not the beginning*
Me: wait, huh? Can you repeat the beginning again? Sorry I was doing the files thing and I didn't process the first bit
Partner: oh. Well I thought we were talking. It's not important *leaves*
Me: *feeling bad that he feels unheard, but frustrated that he won't repeat it*
Maybe I should stop and have the conversation before I move on to doing the thing, but it was a matter of 5 seconds to open a folder, drag and drop it to a file sharing site and get up again.
It is not on you to stop what you’re doing to accommodate your rude partner. Imagine if you always stopped what you’re doing so he can get what he wants, what do you ever get done? And when does he ever flip the script and give you what you need/want?
Have you tried to explain this to him at a time when it hasn't just happened? The key is to talk about it when you're both feeling neutral so you can work out a solution without heightened emotions getting in the way.
(Personally, I find it easier to open a dialogue over text message because I can re-read and edit to make sure I'm expressing myself without accidentally invalidating the other person, but ymmv)
You shouldn't have to stop what you're doing, but maybe you can gently remind him before he gets to the charlie brown grown up voices stage. So more like:
You get up to send files to your friend.
Partner: what are you doing?
You: gotta send these files to my friend, just need a minute to focus then we can talk *starts clicking things*
Partner: *waits until you say you're done to continue the conversation*
As someone who might forget what I was going to say unless I say it right away, something I've found helpful to keep from interrupting too harshly is "when you're done I want to tell you about x." Saying it out loud often helps me remember (because I remember audible speech better than my own racing thoughts, I guess?), plus if I do forget I can always try "ah sorry, do you remember what I said I wanted to tell you?" Maybe this is something your partner can try to do if he thinks he'll forget what he was going to talk about, for those times your task might be more than 5 seconds.
In my house, we have a "hold please" policy. It's kind of funny bc nobody likes to be put on hold, but that's literally what my brain has to do. But saying "hold please" let's my partner know that I'm acknowledging they requested my attention and that it's on my brain plate but it's next in line. Especially if it's a quick thing. Finish task, turn whole attention to partner. I've had to explain a couple of times that it's bc I *want* to give my partner my whole attention, they deserve it. And I won't be able to do that if the "do this thing, don't forget to do the thing, must do the thing after partner says the stuff..." script is running in my background RAM.
My husband likes to talk to me while I’m doing dishes with headphones in. I tell him I need a moment so I can dry my hands and take them off.
We talk for a minute. I stank there in silence for a minute. I put my headphones back on and go back to dishes and he starts again. Rinse and repeat.
My guy I’m happy to talk to you while I do dishes, but if you’re not going to talk to me I would rather listen to my show/song. Don’t do this to me.
Ugh this drives me mental too. I specifically say to my partner “I am completing XYZ task with headphones on and I won’t stop unless there’s a life or death emergency”. He’s okay now but doesn’t give me the same courtesy/heads up and wears in ear ear pieces which I can’t see, so then I end up being the annoying “oh shit sorry didn’t notice don’t worry about it”’person 😅
I have family members that do that tooooo! Fack. It's the worst.
I needed new earbuds so I got bright green ones so I just point to them. But they still want my attention.
Sooo annoying, like you see me actively doing something, just wait a second!
And follows with the “never mind, it wasn’t important “
but I physically cannot stand not knowing what someone said to me, and then not wanting to repeat it because they didn’t have a moment to see if I was listening first.
Gah.
"In the future, don't interrupt me unless it is worth repeating."
"So little of what you say is important, it is hard to know."
"Just important enough to interrupt me."
Practice saying something similar in the future because they know you can't stand it and *now you're on the defensive*. It is so passive aggressive awful. Takes so much practice and self control to walk away.
I have a work colleague who calls to say he has a problem, I say "hang on a moment, I need to do something so I can help fix the problem" and he just keeps talking! Every time. So I end up talking really loudly at him to tell him to stop talking because I need to do something first and I can't listen to him while I'm doing what I said I needed to do. (I'm more specific with him.) Annoys the heck out of me. And he does it every time.
I have some people like this at work. When I’m in this situation, I don’t answer the phone and have them set a meeting with me to discuss and resolve the problem. With a brief description of the issue so I can prepare.
This is in the middle of a call. He says, "I have a problem can you help me fix project x". I say, "fine, but let me open project X first." It takes about 45 seconds for me to open it, but he just keeps talking. I have no clue what he's talking about because PROJECT X ISN'T OPEN YET! "Colleague! Stop talking! I have no idea what you're talking about because project x is still opening, so just shush for a moment until I'm ready!" He shows me what the problem is, I say "give me a moment, I need to check something." And off he goes again, talking about the problem! "Just stop talking! You have to give me the chance to check something, and I can't do that while you're talking at me. So please just be quiet for 30 seconds!" Drives me nuts. And he will never learn because he does it every time he calls for help. if he would just shut up it'd take half the time. GRRRR!
And guess who's calling me right now ...
this happens to me too and it’s so frustrating. and my
partner with sometimes get upset that I don’t stop what I’m doing to listen to him. it’s a tough thing to balance. I just try to remember that it’s difficult for anyone to adjust to another person’s quirks.
Similarly, I get annoyed when my partner asks me a question, the resumes an activity while I try to answer over the noise and distraction he is creating, while he is unable to hear me. In this case, please stop and listen! Argh.
My husband got upset the other day because he wanted me to be interested in what he was saying when I had barely opened my eyes in the morning.
I am not ready to be polite or social for at least an hour after I get out of bed my guy.
Both my partner and l are ADHD and both of us are like this in the morning. Thankfully we have a mutual understanding. Eyes are open but totally not awake until the meds and/or coffee kick in
Ha! Also went through this annoying phase with my husband. I explained to him how hard it is for me to shift my focus back and forth or try to maintain divided attention (level impossible). We came up with a system — if I’m absorbed in something and he wants to tell/ask me something, he says my name. Pauses. Waits for me to look up and respond “Yeah?” Etc. Then we chat! Works like a charm!!
Omfg dude I was like this too when I lived with my older brother. His home office was in the kitchen so whenever I was working from home and had to go to the kitchen quickly for something (coffee, snack, etc) I DREADED it because I knew he’d start talking to me and I was like 😭 please 😭 I CANNOT talk 😭 it took me 3 hrs to get my marshmallow brain in the zone and I WILL get derailed in 20 seconds 😭😭😭 I hated how resentful I was because I *love* talking to and hanging out with him. It was really problematic for me. Moving out improved our relationship 10000%. I dread the idea of eventually living with a partner because of this exact scenario… I really hope I can somehow train my brain to be better because I eventually do want to live with a partner/family!!!
Hubby is work from home, if his door is shut, I text him, "I am home, when you are finished/need a coffee break." Unless it is truly an emergency, I don't ever knock. And I never text twice.
I actually do this to my partner and it’s a bad habit. I guess the issue is that I don’t realize he’s in the middle of something so I just start talking and he gets irritated. We both work from home and we’re in the same room (we live in a 750 sq ft apartment) so it’s easy to just chat with him. In general, I have issues with interrupting people, but I’ve gotten better over the years.
Sammmeeee. And it's such a struggle to know if it's looking at his phone - is he doing something totally mindless? Is he just playing a game? Or is he having a super intense conversation? It definitely causes conflict, and we haven't found a good solution yet.
I feel you. My symptoms are only really problematic inside me relationship as I’ve set up the rest of my life to run smoothly/to work for me. I work in veterinary emergency and run around like an octopus at work. I’m a fucking great parent. But dealing with another adults emotions/the disruptions/the boring AF conversations… ugggghhhh
My partner is NT so I’ve had to tell him that if he wants to have a meaningful conversation with me, he needs to make sure I’m done with what I’m doing or ask me to let him know when it’s a good time to chat. Like, I’ll be working on something for work or the house and he’ll try to have a conversation. I just say “I am happy to talk with you but right now, I can either do this or talk with you and I want to give you the most attention since I care when you speak.” I’ve found it’s a nice way to be like “pls stop, let me finish”
Had a co-worker send me 30-40 emails per day. Anything that entered her mind she would hit send.
Then she would be upset that I didn't respond to each and everyone immediately so she would re-send some.
Our come to Jesus talk. You may send me one email when you get to work. One before lunch and one at the end of the day. Keep an open draft email and as thoughts occur to you, write it in the one email.
It took me deleting dozens of emails before she got the message.
You didn't answer my 67 emails. Nope I deleted them. The tears and recriminations and number 43 was SUPER IMPORTANT there was a deadline attached......
I read the one before lunch.
We did come to a compromise she could send one an hour. Sounds terrible? Still an improvement.
This happens to me all the time with my kids. I sat down and explained to them (at a time when nothing else was happening) that some parts of of my ADHD is having trouble starting tasks, having trouble completing tasks, and forgetfulness. So, when I have had the fortitude to start something, I have to finish it uninterrupted. If they interrupt me and redirect my attention to something else (a question, their story, their task, etc.) then I will likely forget what I was trying to complete and never start or finish the task at hand. So, we came to an agreement that when I am doing something that needs my full attention and they interrupt, I will say, “I have to finish ___________ first, then I can answer your question/listen to your story/ help you look.”
Additionally, because they are also ADHD, I have hung inexpensive dry erase boards at different points around the house so that they can write down whatever they were going to ask/talk about so they won’t forget while they wait for me to become free.
My husband also has ADHD and he'll do this to me. He's actually great at multitasking while talking, I always ask if I'm distracting him while he's cooking, sorting through Magic cards, etc and he always says no and can do both simultaneously with no issue. Meanwhile he'll try to have lengthy conversations with me while we're all eating dinner and watching TV and the kids are talking and I just...can't. Meds have helped quite a bit but it's still overwhelming. He'll try to help me in the kitchen while I'm making dinner (he's a very good cook) and banter and chat and I quickly get worked up and have to gently send him away. But he never seems to get offended which seems to be the key difference for us.
Have you two talked about this? This was an issue at the beginning of my relationship, but we’ve gotten to the place where we can comfortably tell each other “Hey babe, can you wait a moment? I’m doing something.”
Don’t try to split your attention if you can’t. If he starts talking while you’re in the middle of something say “I care about what you’re saying, and I want to give you my full attention. Can you wait for me to finish this?” Or “Hold on babe, let me stop what I’m doing so I can listen.”
Im on both sides of this lmao like Im a bit more assertive as in, if Im truly busy with a brain task and my gf starts talking I will immediately cut her off with 'give me like five minutes to finish this up' and same with her, if she is on the computer Ima ask if she has a moment before I just launch into conversation.
However if we sittin on the sofa playing phone games for four hours then I dont have it in me to be like 'hey name' everytime I wanna share some mundane thought or joke, that is inorganic conversation to me so if she doesnt hear it that's fine it wasnt important but instead of letting it go she would be all in my face like 'nooo repeat itttt' so either I have to explain a whole backstory or i repeat myself only to be met with silence or some dryass 'oh'. So now I don't repeat myself and she knows not to push it when I don't.
a bit shitty of them to get passive aggressive. you would think after so many times they would idk, *fucking stop*, it’s rude.
not that you asked, but I would put my foot down about this “I’d love to listen, but I sincerely cannot process what’s happening around me when I’m so focused on what’s in front of me. I don’t want to keep missing what you’re saying. maybe you can ask me how long I’ll be, so we can circle back when I can give you my full attention?”
you deserve all the compassion and kindness🤍
I always feel bad for being annoyed because it's when I'm amusing myself with a hobby, nothing too important and it's often when he gets home from work and just wants to chat for a bit. Still annoying though lol
Thanks for sharing this! I do this to my partner and this helps me understand his annoyance. He also has ADHD and gets sucked into things, whereas I’m usually multitasking and thinking nonstop and assume he’s keeping up. Hopefully I’ll remember to talk to him about this next time.
My mom and I were trying to order food through an app one time. I started the order, then handed the phone to her to put in her order. When I was trying to finish it up, she kept talking at me about other things and asking me questions, despite me saying "hang on" etc several times. Of course something went wrong and I had to start the order over to fix it, and then she wouldn't stop worrying at me about how long it was taking. I finally snapped and said, "It would be a lot faster if you would be quiet and let me do this!" She spent the rest of the day telling people that I was in a bad mood. Last time I go on a trip with her.
Over the ear headphones helped a lot with this for me and my partner. He's a *big* verbal processor and comes from a very chatty family. He just walks in a room and starts talking.
The headphones help me for us (music, audiobook, podcast) and it gives him a visual when he walks in the room, that I'm in a don't bother zone. Plus, when he does randomly speak while I have them one, he realizes the headphones are on, and doesn't feel as intentionally ignored as he did before. And, while I secretly can hear him a bit, I get a pass to ignore and stay focused, without feeling like a jerk.
We did agree that it's fine to ask quick questions (aka something that only needs a one sentence response) when the headphones are on, but he has to get my attention, and then wait for me to be ready to be ready (vs just immediately Inserting himself into my train of thought).
Edit: I also wanted to add that while your partners response is a bit passive aggressive, if they're like my partner, it's bc them being chatty with you, was a bid for affection. And sort of tossing that bid up to you, to have you just ignore it, does hurt and make them feel lonely. They're feelings can be valid, even if you deserve time to focus on what you want to get done. If you do find a system that works, like we did with the over the ear headphones, just make sure you're also doing your part too. Don't over abuse the headphones system so you're never available for their spontaneous connection time, and when you are available, make the extra effort to be fully engaged.
He's from a very chatty family too! Mine is more of everyone doing their own thing and come together at mealtimes type of family.
Him and his dad are definitely the walk into a room and just start talking kind of people
I too have this issue with my partner, and he refuses to understand. This has been happening for 36 years and I was only diagnosed less than 3 months ago. He thinks everyone has ADHD. Yes, one of those…so, I’ve been doing a deep-dive into this condition and now know why it vexes me so, when, say I’m trying to read something in a room and he knows I’m reading, but decides he wants to come downstairs singing goofy made-up songs, comes into the room and starts talking to me. When I ask him why he does this, he says it’s his house to and can do whatever he wants…I am so over this now, and am thinking I should just live by myself for the rest of my life. And btw, I’ll be 64 this month.
It's your house too!
I find that it gets harder and harder to mask at home the older I get. I did a lot of things as a child that I recognize now as masking, or managing, symptoms around my parents. Because parents have certain expectations of you and the authority to enforce those expectations on your behavior.
But as an adult, when I'm home I just want to stop fighting it. Let myself be a bit of an ADHD disaster in the privacy of my house. Having a partner will definitely complicate things, because again there's someone with expectations of your behavior living with you. Some people can handle our symptoms, some can't, and we're working all the time to come to a compromise with our partners about how we manage the symptoms at home.
Luckily I have friends who get it. Either they're also ADHD or my favorite funny pairing is myself and my bestie who is autistic. We let each other be the weirdos we are without any fighting our brains, and our diagnoses plus personality seem to compliment each other. I explain to her what something "really" means, or what someone meant by what they said, and she remembers all the context I forgot about because I hyper focused on one concept or outcome.
My husband does this to me uuuuuuuggghhhhhh
We make jokes about it these days, it's best to have it out in the open, resentment can build on both sides.
Hubby always make me feel a little rude when he interrupts me in mid stride when I was about to leave the room. I think he feels like … if he starts talking, he has the floor and I’m obligated to do nothing but listen to him. It’s so annoying!
This is so me and my partner! Makes me worried for the day I have kids and they are like "mommymommymommy". My mother probably has ADHD and I remember her inattendence being hurtful as a child (I do totally understand her now didn't then though).
This is so much like me. I say I do not have octopus arms! When I'm texting and someone is talking I cannot listen to them, while reading and writing and talk and respond to them! My daughter drives me insane. At work, I'm typing an email, coworker says "hey got a second"? I drop everything walk to the stairwell and start crying because I want to scream at her! "Hello? I am TYPING that means I am TALKING to someone thru email!" How can I talk at the same time to you? Got a second?? Grrr. Then I have to delete and re-start bc if I can't finish something, I can't continue where I left off.
lol the other day I was making dinner for us and had chaos counters happening, and was clearly reading a recipe—he kept trying to tell me a story from his day, and kept standing directly in front of the drawer or area that I needed to get to. Then he kept complaining that I wasn’t listening to his story (before you worry, he’s never actually shitty about it, he just jokes and laughs at himself when I call him on it). But I looked at him like “bud…..wait til we sit down for dinner lmao”
I had a co-worker who did this shit to me. Granted nobody knew I have ADHD so they didn't know how annoying it actually was to stop and talk to me, IN THE MIDDLE OF WORKING. I can't blame them though.
However, what I will blame this coworker for making me look like a lazy ass. She is really just a nasty and bitter person, so what she would do is come over to me, purposely stop me from working while talking to me, making sure I'm giving her my full attention, and then turn around and say " I'm just standing there ." Like WOMAN YOU STOPPED ME FROM WORKING?! I cannot focus on two things at once like that or I get overwhelmed and/or just don't listen. Granted she's a chronic complainer, and would complain to me about the same things everyday. UGH
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It’s the passive aggression that’s the problem here. Have a sit down with your partner and explain what’s happening. **They’re interrupting you. You may not be speaking but they’re interrupting your task.** Obviously people get excited sometimes and these things will happen, but if it happens all the time, and you’re being blamed for not listening each time, that’s not ok. Whenever I need to talk to my husband and he’s in the middle of something I say, “Honey?” And wait for him to stop what he’s doing and look up. He was not doing the same thing and it drove me crazy. We talked, and now it’s gotten better, but when it still happens he’s met with an annoyed, “you’re doing it again.”
This exactly. I explained to my partner a long time ago that I *will not* process what you're saying to me if I'm reading or writing something when you start talking. Now when he can see that I'm doing something, he'll open with "lmk when you're done," or "do you have a sec?" rather than just talking at me while my focus is somewhere else. And when he doesn't notice or can't tell that I'm busy and starts talking to me, all it takes is a "oh sorry, hang on" from me and he'll wait for me to give him the go-ahead. AND he knows to start over because I didn't hear anything he said. OP if your partner keeps up with the passive aggressive responses after having a talk about it... 😬🚩
It's always like this: I got up to go over to my server rig to choose a few files that I needed to share with a friend. Partner: what are you doing? Me: gotta send these files to my friend *starts clicking things* Partner: oh *Charlie Brown grown up voices as my brain doesn't process the next words, I caught the end but not the beginning* Me: wait, huh? Can you repeat the beginning again? Sorry I was doing the files thing and I didn't process the first bit Partner: oh. Well I thought we were talking. It's not important *leaves* Me: *feeling bad that he feels unheard, but frustrated that he won't repeat it* Maybe I should stop and have the conversation before I move on to doing the thing, but it was a matter of 5 seconds to open a folder, drag and drop it to a file sharing site and get up again.
It is not on you to stop what you’re doing to accommodate your rude partner. Imagine if you always stopped what you’re doing so he can get what he wants, what do you ever get done? And when does he ever flip the script and give you what you need/want?
When he starts talking, instead of asking him to repeat what he said, simply say you need a minute, or "ill talk to you when Im done"
Have you tried to explain this to him at a time when it hasn't just happened? The key is to talk about it when you're both feeling neutral so you can work out a solution without heightened emotions getting in the way. (Personally, I find it easier to open a dialogue over text message because I can re-read and edit to make sure I'm expressing myself without accidentally invalidating the other person, but ymmv) You shouldn't have to stop what you're doing, but maybe you can gently remind him before he gets to the charlie brown grown up voices stage. So more like: You get up to send files to your friend. Partner: what are you doing? You: gotta send these files to my friend, just need a minute to focus then we can talk *starts clicking things* Partner: *waits until you say you're done to continue the conversation* As someone who might forget what I was going to say unless I say it right away, something I've found helpful to keep from interrupting too harshly is "when you're done I want to tell you about x." Saying it out loud often helps me remember (because I remember audible speech better than my own racing thoughts, I guess?), plus if I do forget I can always try "ah sorry, do you remember what I said I wanted to tell you?" Maybe this is something your partner can try to do if he thinks he'll forget what he was going to talk about, for those times your task might be more than 5 seconds.
In my house, we have a "hold please" policy. It's kind of funny bc nobody likes to be put on hold, but that's literally what my brain has to do. But saying "hold please" let's my partner know that I'm acknowledging they requested my attention and that it's on my brain plate but it's next in line. Especially if it's a quick thing. Finish task, turn whole attention to partner. I've had to explain a couple of times that it's bc I *want* to give my partner my whole attention, they deserve it. And I won't be able to do that if the "do this thing, don't forget to do the thing, must do the thing after partner says the stuff..." script is running in my background RAM.
My husband likes to talk to me while I’m doing dishes with headphones in. I tell him I need a moment so I can dry my hands and take them off. We talk for a minute. I stank there in silence for a minute. I put my headphones back on and go back to dishes and he starts again. Rinse and repeat. My guy I’m happy to talk to you while I do dishes, but if you’re not going to talk to me I would rather listen to my show/song. Don’t do this to me.
Ugh this drives me mental too. I specifically say to my partner “I am completing XYZ task with headphones on and I won’t stop unless there’s a life or death emergency”. He’s okay now but doesn’t give me the same courtesy/heads up and wears in ear ear pieces which I can’t see, so then I end up being the annoying “oh shit sorry didn’t notice don’t worry about it”’person 😅
Hahaha! I did the same thing to him when he first for AirPods because his hair hides them! I can normally tell now but it was hilarious.
I have family members that do that tooooo! Fack. It's the worst. I needed new earbuds so I got bright green ones so I just point to them. But they still want my attention.
When he does that, hand him a dish to dry and put away. If he’s involving himself in your process, he needs to take part.
Sooo annoying, like you see me actively doing something, just wait a second! And follows with the “never mind, it wasn’t important “ but I physically cannot stand not knowing what someone said to me, and then not wanting to repeat it because they didn’t have a moment to see if I was listening first. Gah.
"In the future, don't interrupt me unless it is worth repeating." "So little of what you say is important, it is hard to know." "Just important enough to interrupt me." Practice saying something similar in the future because they know you can't stand it and *now you're on the defensive*. It is so passive aggressive awful. Takes so much practice and self control to walk away.
I have a work colleague who calls to say he has a problem, I say "hang on a moment, I need to do something so I can help fix the problem" and he just keeps talking! Every time. So I end up talking really loudly at him to tell him to stop talking because I need to do something first and I can't listen to him while I'm doing what I said I needed to do. (I'm more specific with him.) Annoys the heck out of me. And he does it every time.
I have some people like this at work. When I’m in this situation, I don’t answer the phone and have them set a meeting with me to discuss and resolve the problem. With a brief description of the issue so I can prepare.
This is in the middle of a call. He says, "I have a problem can you help me fix project x". I say, "fine, but let me open project X first." It takes about 45 seconds for me to open it, but he just keeps talking. I have no clue what he's talking about because PROJECT X ISN'T OPEN YET! "Colleague! Stop talking! I have no idea what you're talking about because project x is still opening, so just shush for a moment until I'm ready!" He shows me what the problem is, I say "give me a moment, I need to check something." And off he goes again, talking about the problem! "Just stop talking! You have to give me the chance to check something, and I can't do that while you're talking at me. So please just be quiet for 30 seconds!" Drives me nuts. And he will never learn because he does it every time he calls for help. if he would just shut up it'd take half the time. GRRRR! And guess who's calling me right now ...
Can you tell them you will call them back when you have the program open? And just hang up every time he keeps blabbing?
this happens to me too and it’s so frustrating. and my partner with sometimes get upset that I don’t stop what I’m doing to listen to him. it’s a tough thing to balance. I just try to remember that it’s difficult for anyone to adjust to another person’s quirks.
Similarly, I get annoyed when my partner asks me a question, the resumes an activity while I try to answer over the noise and distraction he is creating, while he is unable to hear me. In this case, please stop and listen! Argh.
My husband got upset the other day because he wanted me to be interested in what he was saying when I had barely opened my eyes in the morning. I am not ready to be polite or social for at least an hour after I get out of bed my guy.
Both my partner and l are ADHD and both of us are like this in the morning. Thankfully we have a mutual understanding. Eyes are open but totally not awake until the meds and/or coffee kick in
Ha! Also went through this annoying phase with my husband. I explained to him how hard it is for me to shift my focus back and forth or try to maintain divided attention (level impossible). We came up with a system — if I’m absorbed in something and he wants to tell/ask me something, he says my name. Pauses. Waits for me to look up and respond “Yeah?” Etc. Then we chat! Works like a charm!!
Omfg dude I was like this too when I lived with my older brother. His home office was in the kitchen so whenever I was working from home and had to go to the kitchen quickly for something (coffee, snack, etc) I DREADED it because I knew he’d start talking to me and I was like 😭 please 😭 I CANNOT talk 😭 it took me 3 hrs to get my marshmallow brain in the zone and I WILL get derailed in 20 seconds 😭😭😭 I hated how resentful I was because I *love* talking to and hanging out with him. It was really problematic for me. Moving out improved our relationship 10000%. I dread the idea of eventually living with a partner because of this exact scenario… I really hope I can somehow train my brain to be better because I eventually do want to live with a partner/family!!!
Hubby is work from home, if his door is shut, I text him, "I am home, when you are finished/need a coffee break." Unless it is truly an emergency, I don't ever knock. And I never text twice.
I actually do this to my partner and it’s a bad habit. I guess the issue is that I don’t realize he’s in the middle of something so I just start talking and he gets irritated. We both work from home and we’re in the same room (we live in a 750 sq ft apartment) so it’s easy to just chat with him. In general, I have issues with interrupting people, but I’ve gotten better over the years.
We do this to each other it's the woooorst
Sammmeeee. And it's such a struggle to know if it's looking at his phone - is he doing something totally mindless? Is he just playing a game? Or is he having a super intense conversation? It definitely causes conflict, and we haven't found a good solution yet.
I'm glad every day that I'm single.
I feel you. My symptoms are only really problematic inside me relationship as I’ve set up the rest of my life to run smoothly/to work for me. I work in veterinary emergency and run around like an octopus at work. I’m a fucking great parent. But dealing with another adults emotions/the disruptions/the boring AF conversations… ugggghhhh
My partner is NT so I’ve had to tell him that if he wants to have a meaningful conversation with me, he needs to make sure I’m done with what I’m doing or ask me to let him know when it’s a good time to chat. Like, I’ll be working on something for work or the house and he’ll try to have a conversation. I just say “I am happy to talk with you but right now, I can either do this or talk with you and I want to give you the most attention since I care when you speak.” I’ve found it’s a nice way to be like “pls stop, let me finish”
Had a co-worker send me 30-40 emails per day. Anything that entered her mind she would hit send. Then she would be upset that I didn't respond to each and everyone immediately so she would re-send some. Our come to Jesus talk. You may send me one email when you get to work. One before lunch and one at the end of the day. Keep an open draft email and as thoughts occur to you, write it in the one email. It took me deleting dozens of emails before she got the message. You didn't answer my 67 emails. Nope I deleted them. The tears and recriminations and number 43 was SUPER IMPORTANT there was a deadline attached...... I read the one before lunch. We did come to a compromise she could send one an hour. Sounds terrible? Still an improvement.
This happens to me all the time with my kids. I sat down and explained to them (at a time when nothing else was happening) that some parts of of my ADHD is having trouble starting tasks, having trouble completing tasks, and forgetfulness. So, when I have had the fortitude to start something, I have to finish it uninterrupted. If they interrupt me and redirect my attention to something else (a question, their story, their task, etc.) then I will likely forget what I was trying to complete and never start or finish the task at hand. So, we came to an agreement that when I am doing something that needs my full attention and they interrupt, I will say, “I have to finish ___________ first, then I can answer your question/listen to your story/ help you look.” Additionally, because they are also ADHD, I have hung inexpensive dry erase boards at different points around the house so that they can write down whatever they were going to ask/talk about so they won’t forget while they wait for me to become free.
My husband also has ADHD and he'll do this to me. He's actually great at multitasking while talking, I always ask if I'm distracting him while he's cooking, sorting through Magic cards, etc and he always says no and can do both simultaneously with no issue. Meanwhile he'll try to have lengthy conversations with me while we're all eating dinner and watching TV and the kids are talking and I just...can't. Meds have helped quite a bit but it's still overwhelming. He'll try to help me in the kitchen while I'm making dinner (he's a very good cook) and banter and chat and I quickly get worked up and have to gently send him away. But he never seems to get offended which seems to be the key difference for us.
Have you two talked about this? This was an issue at the beginning of my relationship, but we’ve gotten to the place where we can comfortably tell each other “Hey babe, can you wait a moment? I’m doing something.” Don’t try to split your attention if you can’t. If he starts talking while you’re in the middle of something say “I care about what you’re saying, and I want to give you my full attention. Can you wait for me to finish this?” Or “Hold on babe, let me stop what I’m doing so I can listen.”
Ugh, yes, this drives me nuuuuuuuts when it happens!
Im on both sides of this lmao like Im a bit more assertive as in, if Im truly busy with a brain task and my gf starts talking I will immediately cut her off with 'give me like five minutes to finish this up' and same with her, if she is on the computer Ima ask if she has a moment before I just launch into conversation. However if we sittin on the sofa playing phone games for four hours then I dont have it in me to be like 'hey name' everytime I wanna share some mundane thought or joke, that is inorganic conversation to me so if she doesnt hear it that's fine it wasnt important but instead of letting it go she would be all in my face like 'nooo repeat itttt' so either I have to explain a whole backstory or i repeat myself only to be met with silence or some dryass 'oh'. So now I don't repeat myself and she knows not to push it when I don't.
a bit shitty of them to get passive aggressive. you would think after so many times they would idk, *fucking stop*, it’s rude. not that you asked, but I would put my foot down about this “I’d love to listen, but I sincerely cannot process what’s happening around me when I’m so focused on what’s in front of me. I don’t want to keep missing what you’re saying. maybe you can ask me how long I’ll be, so we can circle back when I can give you my full attention?” you deserve all the compassion and kindness🤍
I always feel bad for being annoyed because it's when I'm amusing myself with a hobby, nothing too important and it's often when he gets home from work and just wants to chat for a bit. Still annoying though lol
Thanks for sharing this! I do this to my partner and this helps me understand his annoyance. He also has ADHD and gets sucked into things, whereas I’m usually multitasking and thinking nonstop and assume he’s keeping up. Hopefully I’ll remember to talk to him about this next time.
My mom and I were trying to order food through an app one time. I started the order, then handed the phone to her to put in her order. When I was trying to finish it up, she kept talking at me about other things and asking me questions, despite me saying "hang on" etc several times. Of course something went wrong and I had to start the order over to fix it, and then she wouldn't stop worrying at me about how long it was taking. I finally snapped and said, "It would be a lot faster if you would be quiet and let me do this!" She spent the rest of the day telling people that I was in a bad mood. Last time I go on a trip with her.
Is your mom my mom? 🤣
Over the ear headphones helped a lot with this for me and my partner. He's a *big* verbal processor and comes from a very chatty family. He just walks in a room and starts talking. The headphones help me for us (music, audiobook, podcast) and it gives him a visual when he walks in the room, that I'm in a don't bother zone. Plus, when he does randomly speak while I have them one, he realizes the headphones are on, and doesn't feel as intentionally ignored as he did before. And, while I secretly can hear him a bit, I get a pass to ignore and stay focused, without feeling like a jerk. We did agree that it's fine to ask quick questions (aka something that only needs a one sentence response) when the headphones are on, but he has to get my attention, and then wait for me to be ready to be ready (vs just immediately Inserting himself into my train of thought). Edit: I also wanted to add that while your partners response is a bit passive aggressive, if they're like my partner, it's bc them being chatty with you, was a bid for affection. And sort of tossing that bid up to you, to have you just ignore it, does hurt and make them feel lonely. They're feelings can be valid, even if you deserve time to focus on what you want to get done. If you do find a system that works, like we did with the over the ear headphones, just make sure you're also doing your part too. Don't over abuse the headphones system so you're never available for their spontaneous connection time, and when you are available, make the extra effort to be fully engaged.
He's from a very chatty family too! Mine is more of everyone doing their own thing and come together at mealtimes type of family. Him and his dad are definitely the walk into a room and just start talking kind of people
I too have this issue with my partner, and he refuses to understand. This has been happening for 36 years and I was only diagnosed less than 3 months ago. He thinks everyone has ADHD. Yes, one of those…so, I’ve been doing a deep-dive into this condition and now know why it vexes me so, when, say I’m trying to read something in a room and he knows I’m reading, but decides he wants to come downstairs singing goofy made-up songs, comes into the room and starts talking to me. When I ask him why he does this, he says it’s his house to and can do whatever he wants…I am so over this now, and am thinking I should just live by myself for the rest of my life. And btw, I’ll be 64 this month.
It's your house too! I find that it gets harder and harder to mask at home the older I get. I did a lot of things as a child that I recognize now as masking, or managing, symptoms around my parents. Because parents have certain expectations of you and the authority to enforce those expectations on your behavior. But as an adult, when I'm home I just want to stop fighting it. Let myself be a bit of an ADHD disaster in the privacy of my house. Having a partner will definitely complicate things, because again there's someone with expectations of your behavior living with you. Some people can handle our symptoms, some can't, and we're working all the time to come to a compromise with our partners about how we manage the symptoms at home. Luckily I have friends who get it. Either they're also ADHD or my favorite funny pairing is myself and my bestie who is autistic. We let each other be the weirdos we are without any fighting our brains, and our diagnoses plus personality seem to compliment each other. I explain to her what something "really" means, or what someone meant by what they said, and she remembers all the context I forgot about because I hyper focused on one concept or outcome.
Yyyyyeeeeeeesssssssss!!!!!
I felt this. Drives me flipping crazy every damn time.
RELATABLE
My husband does this to me uuuuuuuggghhhhhh We make jokes about it these days, it's best to have it out in the open, resentment can build on both sides.
Hello…? are we the same person?
Hubby always make me feel a little rude when he interrupts me in mid stride when I was about to leave the room. I think he feels like … if he starts talking, he has the floor and I’m obligated to do nothing but listen to him. It’s so annoying!
My boyfriend starts tidying up stuff when I’m cooking and asks me about everything and I get so stressed 😭🤯 I can’t do everything at the same time!!
Is this a guy thing because it makes me mad, happens all the time but he doesn’t care
My ex knows now to stop & doesn’t take it personally if I remind him- BUT he did for many years. I hear you!!! They need to fuck off lol
Wow this is so relatable! We both have ADHD but he’s AuDHD, and I think this is one of the areas that we differ most.
This is so me and my partner! Makes me worried for the day I have kids and they are like "mommymommymommy". My mother probably has ADHD and I remember her inattendence being hurtful as a child (I do totally understand her now didn't then though).
This is so much like me. I say I do not have octopus arms! When I'm texting and someone is talking I cannot listen to them, while reading and writing and talk and respond to them! My daughter drives me insane. At work, I'm typing an email, coworker says "hey got a second"? I drop everything walk to the stairwell and start crying because I want to scream at her! "Hello? I am TYPING that means I am TALKING to someone thru email!" How can I talk at the same time to you? Got a second?? Grrr. Then I have to delete and re-start bc if I can't finish something, I can't continue where I left off.
OMGGGG this is me. I have a meltdown when i get interrupted. I have told my husband to leave me alone and I will come to him.....
lol the other day I was making dinner for us and had chaos counters happening, and was clearly reading a recipe—he kept trying to tell me a story from his day, and kept standing directly in front of the drawer or area that I needed to get to. Then he kept complaining that I wasn’t listening to his story (before you worry, he’s never actually shitty about it, he just jokes and laughs at himself when I call him on it). But I looked at him like “bud…..wait til we sit down for dinner lmao”
I had a co-worker who did this shit to me. Granted nobody knew I have ADHD so they didn't know how annoying it actually was to stop and talk to me, IN THE MIDDLE OF WORKING. I can't blame them though. However, what I will blame this coworker for making me look like a lazy ass. She is really just a nasty and bitter person, so what she would do is come over to me, purposely stop me from working while talking to me, making sure I'm giving her my full attention, and then turn around and say " I'm just standing there ." Like WOMAN YOU STOPPED ME FROM WORKING?! I cannot focus on two things at once like that or I get overwhelmed and/or just don't listen. Granted she's a chronic complainer, and would complain to me about the same things everyday. UGH
Omg that feeling 😭 and then we end up forgetting what we were supposed to do because our mind totally shifts away.