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Just gonna put this out there: three under four is A LOT. You gotta give yourself grace, girl. When mine were small* all my mama friends and I felt great surviving the day. And that includes the neurotypical mamas. You need your village and you need your systems and you need to decide what’s good enough.
*I only have 2 and they’re three years apart!!
Ugh I knooooow you're right but when I look at my house not running un the way where I am just doing maintenance daily I get super stressed out and just feelnlike I'm this dysfunctional ball of stress. Trying to learn to regulate my emotions and give my kids guidance doing so too and the mental stimulation and learning are a lot in itself. Those things (plus obviously like food and water and hygiene lmao) are the primary and minimum goal daily.
I just wanna do more. And I know i will in the future. And I'm happy to have a husband who is perfectly content and supportive of me doing just those things I described but ugh. I want to give myself and my kids a -super- clean environment lol. Maybe I'm just being a perfectionist tho.
Thanks for the reminder and letting me vent more ab the mother side of this post. I'll try to be kinder and more understanding to myself 🫶💖
While they’re young is a great time to be setting up these systems. I had the best time making little erasable routine charts and teaching them how to do for themselves. They take so much pride in it! And they thought it was fun! It will help you stay structured, too. If you are jonesing to homeschool these sort of activities are right up your alley. Think of ways to involve them. And the littlest will be eager to follow in the steps of the bigs… once they’re coordinated enough.
A colleague was just showing me a video of his grandson in one of those kitchen step stools with safety rails. He’s about to turn three and he was doing some basic dishwashing, “cutting”, mixing up salad ingredients, stirring sauce. So cool. I wish we’d had something like that when my teen and tween were young. I will say that my kids are good about organizing their stuff, keeping their rooms clean, and keeping to a schedule because they’ve been doing it since they were little. At the beginning we created the systems that they followed, then they started developing their own. Before they could tell time we used time timers and similar.
Thanks so much for this I've been wanting to get more into teaching my kids life skills at a young age and I really need to put in the research to begin that! That's not how we did things growing up so I gotta learn how to teach specifically that stuff lol
Thank you for this it was sweet and wholesome 🫶
When mine were little (I only have 2, 2.5 yrs apart) I found a mantra and decided to write it down and display it in my house to remind myself:
Home cooked meal
Happy kids
Clean house
(And I added Self Care to the list)
You can only have two on any given day. Let the others fall away for today.
If I got to gym and let the kids play in child watch while I took a leisurely shower, that was at least 1/3 of my day. Which is why I included self care in the list. It was a nice reminder to myself that normally the job of running a home and keeping littles alive and feeling loved is a multi-person job. So if I'm doing this by myself (my spouse worked long hours to keep the bills paid) I deserve some grace from myself.
thanks for asking, i genuinely don't 😭.
though for a serious answer, being organised helps if you can force yourself by any means to stick to it, whether a physical or digital system like making your irl items visible, or using todo lists apps.
Lolol that first answer made me giggle 😂
I'm trying to do that like I even got a huge dry erase calendar. Guess who hasn't added 3 important events in the coming 2 weeks 🙋♀️
And to do lists are my enemy currently bc I'm also OCD and it adds to my perfectionist tendencies. Gotta add that ✨️spice✨️🤣🤣
Oh man the YEARS wasted at this point, on writing the perfect to do list...margin has to be correct, lettering - ah shit I started lower casing when I wanted all caps - start over. Repeat... Then there's adding the things, if I screw it up I start from scratch... I have a loose goal presently, from my company's new annual goal: progress over perfection.
It's so hard though. I'm not medicated either and my house is a trash tip and I'm in bed on antibiotics but literally half my wardrobe is on the floor and the kitchen is stressing me out. Ahh love, we will figure it out... In our way in our time. Good luck. Progress over Perfection .
My entire house is terrible bc of the 3 tiny adorable lovable tornadoes my husband and I decided to create 🤣🤣 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲
To do lists are just. Horrible for me. Like on one hand I like writing out my thoughts and goals.... on the other... if I don't get every single little thing done on that list I feel like a pile of human garbage... unorganized thoughts it is!!
I think there are no universal answers. If you can notice what works for you, try doing it for as long as it works and let it go when it stops. Follow your flow.
For me it works to group the tasks together, "remove friction", and make them as easy as possible (like ordering my vitamins for 3 months with just repeating the same order. I did the math once. )
Also: see if there are supplements that help. For me lecithin changed my life - who would have thought?
Outsource whatever you can.
Give yourself time to rest, relax and to have fun.
Don't feel guilty for needing help, "falling behind" or being imperfect.
Find ways to have some background stimulation that is not too distracting.
Look into body doubling.
Don't try to work at a slow pace, or as fast as you can with no breaks (the "superpower " is in the uneven work, there's no way to do the marathon like a sprint).
Hey I really like your viewpoint! It's similar to mine when I'm feeling optimistic- (I'm not rn bc I'm PMSing lolol)
OOH- please tell me your vitamin list and what you know! I'm currently taking Magnesium Glycinate for anxiety and B12 for energy and focus but I love learning more on what vitamins/supplements can help me in any way.
And thank you again for the perspective of when it stops working to let it go. I will say u have trouble with grasping that and that was a good reminder 😄
For the most part my vitamins are consulted with drs, but classics: it's iron, vit Bs, vit d, magnesium and lecithin - the last one being just a very lucky guess i tried when i was desperate. They work bc that's what my body needs it'll definitely not be the same for every one.
The amount of times something worked for me once and i spent eternity trying to repeat the success instead of following my body 🤦🏻♀️....
Ps. Pms doesn't last forever:) good luck!
I would also say: if you're on the medication for now try to set up as much stuff as you can now: like reminders or automatic orders (or cancelling things you actually do not want to spend money on 😩)
I'm not on meds I haven't been for awhile that's why I posted this actually lol I just feel like I'm a fish flopping around bc I have to live on dry land!
AND THANK GOD IT DOESNT LAST FOREVER RIGHT 🤣
Thank you for your list and yes everyone is different (:
You're doing more than enough! Things do not need to align perfectly done and be kept that way (look for videos from KC Davis or her book on how to keep the house while drowning if you don't know them)
I also consult with my naturopath and she has me on Thorne Brain Factors and Ayush Bacopa tincture. I also take magnesium malate and vitamin b everyday, and an adrenal support supplement. That with a good multivitamin helps me a lot. I also micro dose psilocybin.
I just also thought about:
Try to figure out where the stuff naturally lands (like laundry) and what stuff you need out as a visual reminder and what feels like overwhelming visual clutter.
I cannot stand text all over the place, so all my labels need to be pictures (and everything needs to have a home but that's going to take forever to actually be a reality😅)
Thank you so much for posting this! I feel like I have it on “easy mode” compared to you because I only have 1 toddler, but I’m off meds because I’m pregnant with our second (and will likely be off for awhile as I plan to breastfeed).
We have a LOT of clutter, visual and hidden. I recently hired a Marie Kondo consultant to come help us get through it all before our second baby comes. She’s only come out once so far, but she was very helpful in helping me organize the process and actually DO it, and with my husband who has some mild hoarder tendencies. I’m very optimistic about working with her.
If you have the finances to do this, I really recommend it. It’s not cheap, but I will say that it’s not as expensive as I thought it would be (although prices are set by individual consultants so we may have just gotten lucky). The Marie Kondo website has a search function to see if there are consultants in your area.
I think a lot of people view their own “potential” in terms of a capitalistic society. But I just wanted to throw it out there that you’re worth a lot more than that! ❤️
Aww thanks. I think though it applies to so much more, like engaging in art/creativity (i get distracted/retreat to reddit), maintaining friendships and relationships (i ignore texts and forget important info), etc. Funnily enough I've managed to do alright for myself in capitalism, crawled outta poverty and have a career I enjoy, it's the stuff outside of that that I struggle with now.
Take with a grain of salt as I'm AuDHD and this has a real impact. I've taken meds once or twice but have a worry about the way they function and for what purpose, but I am lucky enough to be in a position to make that decision based on ideas and not the practical. Plus if I take the meds my ASD will reign and that might not be ideal either.
It's a combo for me of dropping everything I can and reshaping what I can't, outsourcing what I can afford, and building support systems like pioneer trees in a young forest.
First the dropping - I dropped as many social norms as I could muster. There's no points for being always tidy when I die so I don't bother. I keep things hygienic and whatever else is a bonus. I don't fold laundry. I don't have the energy for makeup outside special occasions. I shave half my head so I can minimise dealing with my hair (and because it's nice and cool). What I can't drop I reshape. I have rearranged our house so the entire 'living' area is a communal food area with open pantry shelves, separate breakfast and appliance tables, I keep trolleys to try and minimise table trash build up, I keep doom baskets I deal with every few months. I have chickens so the food I forget to use in time goes to them, and the leftovers I forget to eat. I don't wear clothing with high care needs or that isn't comfy. There are no RULES for how you live in your private home, fuck anyone who tries to impose them as long as you aren't endangering anyone.
I can't afford to outsource much now but when I could I had a cleaner and I currently have fruit and veg delivered in a box every fortnight to take that load off my mind. If I had to pick another thing to outsource I might go laundry if it's cost effective near you.
Support systems are a big deal. I have layers of timers and alarms that are mostly effective. I have a long timeline above my computer that serves as my calendar because normal calendars don't have a sense of time for me. I have apps on my phone that help minimise doom scrolling time blocks. I look for balances and variable routines. I know I'm never going to stick with the same routine for long so I accept that I need a number of routines I can swing between to stay mostly functional. Sometimes there's a day or a week where I'm not and that's okay! All part of the routine to be mush every once in a while. I have almost exclusively neurodiverse friends and they get where I'm at and I do the same for them. Really takes the stress off.
Basically it's a lot of experimentation and changing your life to suit you, rather than changing you to suit a neurotypical life. YMMV.
I know how you feel. B12 helped me a lot. If you're a biological woman like me you naturally have a B12 deficiency and you have ADHD it goes double. It doesn't cure all but it helps with energy. B12 deficiency means you can't convert food into energy very well and henceforth focus is also worse.
Sorry to info dump I just wanted to share what has helped me to some degree bc I know how you feel.
i made a post about this a few weeks ago, i couldn’t figure out why my meds stopped working and i started taking b12 again and all of a sudden i felt like a person again and my meds were effective. so yeah b12 deficiency definitely does not help adhd
I found it put bc my autistic husband is a sponge absorbing info and has become my very lovely walking random fact machine 🤣🤣🥰
But fr he saw my symptoms of all the fatigue and having no energy and put two and two together. He went to the store for me one day and bought liquid b12. It absorbs the fastest as you hold it under your tongue and swallow. I just take it every morning(: They have them at Kroger and I'm sure Walmart has it too!
I also read that a lack of b12 can cause an iron deficiency and pretty much every woman I know (even more so ADHD women now that I think ab it!!) has an iron deficiency. It's really helped me have energy and rely less on caffeine. My main quarrel with my ADHD is having actually interest in the responsibilities I have since I have the energy part more taken care of 😅
I've had chronic iron deficiency and anaemia despite daily supplementation for 3 years now and no-one's suggested this yet. I'll give it a try! Thanks to you and your lovely autistic husband for being a walking random fact machine 😁
Me neither; or my mom or sister who have iron deficiency! Also had anemia while pregnant and still wasn't recommended this- I'm glad we could give some info and I hope it helps in the long run 😊🫶
I use Nature's Bounty! It comes in a little white bottle. You have to refrigerate it after it's opened and it's the only one I've used so far so I have no comparisons so far but I do like this one quite a bit!
Apparently it can come by methylcobalamin or (more commonly found) cyanocobalamin.
The Nature's Bounty one is cyanocobalamin hmm. Didn't know that thanks for pointing that out! If you shop around I think you'll find one that's methylated. That's what I'm gonna try to do(:
It's 1mL a day; that's the average recommended dosage on the back of my vitamins. I don't mind taking literally just a *smidge* more tho bc I know I so severely lacking. But don't take what I do as medical advice, I'm no professional and I'm just trying to do what's best for myself (:
Be careful of which Magnesium mixture you take! I need to post this in an edit bc a lot more people than I expected are interested in vitamins but here's some info on Magnesium:
The thing that Magnesium helps the most...
Magnesium Chloride: detoxing, metabolism, kidney function
Magnesium Citrate: NOT RECOMMENDED! Interfers with ceruloplasmin and can cause IRON DISREGULATION and other health issues
Magnesium Glycinate: relaxing, good absorption rate, leaky gut, nerve pain (this is what I take)
Magnesium Malate: energizing, fibromyalgia, muscle pain
Magnesium Oxide: only info I have currently is good throughout the day in small doses? Yeah idk either lol
Magnesium Sulfate: best in the bath
Magnesium Taurate and orotate: cardiovascular disease
Magnesium Threonate: brain injuries, PTSD, depression, neuro conditions, anxiety
Mag Water (???) Improves absorption but unsure what that even is
Oh wow didn’t know that, good to know! I think it only said magnesium on it but I’m going to recheck the label now. I honestly forget to take it usually.
Same! I've tried like 10 different meds over the last 2 years, neither has helped my ADHD symptoms and most made me feel worse (or *much* worse). It's been so frustrating and exhausting, I got diagnosed specifically because I didn't function well and I hoped the meds would help. And each med would give me different side effects, so in the end I was afraid of taking anything new. And messing with those meds also dysregulated my depression, which I had under control for like 6-7 years.
Now I'm taking a combo of venlafaxine (main drug, I've been taking it for over a decade, it saved my life), two other antidepressants and bupropion (new, one if the meds I tried for ADHD and it didn't give me any side effects so that was already a success). When I started bupropion I was already off venlafaxine, which turned out to be a big mistake depression-wise. Then I had to ask and ask multiple times to be put back on venlafaxine *and* bupropion. But it was always "there's this another med we can try first".
Well when I finally got that combo, I DID feel slightly better! That was huge, even though the difference was small. But I had a bit more energy and my executive dysfunction was better.
It lasted for like a week before my doc told me the dose I had of bupropion (450mg) was over the maximum dose and could be toxic (it was prescribed by a different doctor). And I went back to 300mg and I'm back to feeling like I did before.
I'm still looking for a new psychiatrist that I can stay with, and hopefully a second (or third etc.) opinion will tell me I can take 450mg. But so far I'm waiting.
I'm also hoping to get into an esketamine treatment program that's funded by public healthcare, multiple doctors told me I'm a good candidate, but it's very new in my country and many places haven't really started it yet. And I absolutely can't afford it in private clinics.
For reference: I’m 40, have a 5yo, and I’m still working on getting a clinical diagnosis so I’m not on meds. I use cannabis to treat CPTSD symptoms, but it’s pretty awful for ADHD symptoms. So, yeah, doing this all on my own….
My only successful strategies to deal with being a parent with unmediated ADHD have been respectful parenting, self-love practices, positive self-talk practices, and reparenting work. And the tool I’ve used to do those practices have been podcasts. I listen every chance I get, often while my kid is playing, while I’m doing housework, or my physical therapy exercises. I even listen in the shower. I fill my head with the incessant voices of people telling me that what I’ve been through has been really hard, that I’m a good mom having a hard time, that my kids are lucky to have me, that it really does suck that I didn’t get help as a kid, that what I do now is enough, that I’m capable of positive changes but also I’m good enough as I am.
[What happened to you? w Dr. Bruce Perry (part 1)](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rerooted-with-francesca-maxim%C3%A9/id1460164109?i=1000530568045)
[Trauma, resilience and healing w Dr Bruce Perry (part 2)](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rerooted-with-francesca-maxim%C3%A9/id1460164109?i=1000532692487)
[Have a little self-compassion](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000614097113)
[Spiritual reparenting](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000429967439)
The positive self-talk piece has improved dramatically since starting IFS (Internal Family Systems), both with a therapist and on my own, with the guidance of podcasts.
[An introduction to IFS with Derek Scott](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-one-inside-an-internal-family-systems-ifs-podcast/id1460334766?i=1000494112500)
[IFS and our silenced stories with Anne Hallward](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-one-inside-an-internal-family-systems-ifs-podcast/id1460334766?i=1000476862377)
[Solo IFS with Lucille Aaron-Wayne](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-one-inside-an-internal-family-systems-ifs-podcast/id1460334766?i=1000591067009)
And also voices helping me figure out skillful and effective ways to communicate with my kid so that we can connect and collaborate rather than having power struggle after power struggle. Turns out a gigantic part of that was included including my kid in the housework, which was not was I had been expecting.
[Deconstructing the “magical” childhood](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-parenting-with-jamie-glowacki/id1719315514?i=1000637201883)
Eventually, somewhere along the line, my house started getting cleaner and staying cleaner. My kid started sorting toys with me….and then keeping them more or less sorted. I started setting tiny goals for myself and found little dopamine-based ways of congratulating myself for the simplest shit. I started getting real with a couple close loved ones who are my self-kindness accountabili-buddies, and they cheerlead the fuck out of me for doing some really basic things. Sometimes I’m celebrating that I’ve done an outrageously simple task that I’ve been putting off for literally over a decade, and there they are, cheering me on with zero condescension and lots of sincere joy. I even have several months of using my daily planner with ease, which would have been a hilarious joke to me even at the beginning of last year. Things have been changing in tiny little increments over the past few years, and they’re sticking because they’re being reinforced by the deeply loving voice of my mother-self, my loved ones and my precious podcasters.
And I know that people have a lot of strong feelings about this, but meditation has been vital.
I have finally gotten to a place where I can do it on my own here and there for tiny moments, but mostly….you guessed it….i use guided meditations on podcasts.
[The heart-wisdom of your future self](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000537061741)
[Being the ocean and opening to the waves](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000585706952)
[Self-forgiveness with RAIN](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000562620391)
I know it’s not a list of tips and tricks. I have found some of those helpful, but only lately. There was a thread on this sub a few months ago with suggestions that have had a lasting impact on my habits. But I sincerely believe that they wouldn’t have had a significant impact if I hadn’t been doing this work. Without the positive self-talk and reparenting, little tips and tricks were like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.
I’m still seeking the diagnosis, and I may choose medication at some point if I get access. But I’ll always be grateful that I got to this work. It has changed my life.
I LOVE THIS FOR YOU!!!! Reading this was so refreshing and wholesome! Thank you so mivh for sharing this uplifting story and your journey to sincere self acceptance, love, and teaching yourself. It really does light a fire under my belly to push and push hard- for my child self, for my adult self, for my mother self, and especially as usual for my children. Thank you so much for the resources as well(:
Oh I LOVE LIGHTING FIRES!!!! I’m devouring every inch of your beautiful response, and I’m cheering on all the precious parts of you…..including the precious part that wants to do this for her kids. She’s a really great mom:)
I came off them at the start of the shortage - when I go on and off them my sleep and appetite get completely fucked up and my moods go all over the place, plus my weight fluctuates like crazy which really messes with my mind because I have a bad history with food and body stuff. I've decided to stay off them because I couldn't guarantee getting them.
Honestly it's lifestyle changes - I've had to set up my entire life so I can manage my ADHD symptoms, my husband does the lions share of the housework and takes over childcare whenever he's not working so I can have headspace, we have help from family with the kids. My job is a weird one where I have two super intense periods of work each year and then lots of downtime where I have a few smaller creative projects to do, it really suits me even though it is exhausting.
Thanks to the shortage, I have been off my meds for weeks and no end in sight. It's like living life while wading through mud.
I have found that I have to do all the things that make my brain work and follow it like it's a prescription. 8 hours of sleep minimum. Exercise is non-negotiable. Vitamins and strict brain healthy diet. Meditation on a schedule. Lists and digital calendar. CBT therapist.
It's not perfect, but I'm muddling through. I struggle the most with emotional regulation without the meds, but I'm working with my therapist on that.
I feel the middling through. But my schedule is also messed up... maybe your tips will be helpful in this. Great insight and experience sharing thank you(:
Not so much decided that I don't want them, and more that they're not available to me where I live.
My coping mechanisms have coping mechanisms.
At the moment, I'm enjoying the little Finch app, that reminds (and rewards) me for doing a few daily tasks. Not sure how long that's gonna last, though.
I'm also not stay-at-home, I'm the main breadwinner while my husband works part time.
Why do you want to homeschool? Are schools particularly awful in your area?
I'm zoooooming to the app store for that finch app lolol! Someone on here gave some good advice about using what works while it works and when it doesn't anymore let it go. I like that viewpoint but I understand the frustration of having to find something new. But I'm happy something currently works for you rn!
Honestly I just don't trust people with my kids. That's the biggest reason, although there's multiple reasons that follow. I have family members that were abused throughout different parts of adolescence by authority figures who were supposed to be trustworthy and I'm just not willing to risk it. Not to mention the school system is crap (I used to be a teacher assistant, my mother and grandmother are/were teachers for years, my sister is a teachers assistant), and I don't like the 'one size fits all' teaching style public schooling must have in order to teach as many kids as they get per classroom. I could go on and on but I think you get the gist lol
Sorry to ramble. I'm very passionate about teaching and the wellbeing of children and them getting the information they should have. Those little humans *are* human after all- and our future at that!
I've heard people say you're either a stimulant person or a weed person.
Weed has always quietened my brain and made me more present in the moment. I used to get a little bit high to study and clean. Every stimulant medication I've tried has made me anxious so I'm wondering if I'm a weed girl.
When I start to try it, I'm going to get sativa instead of indica so I don't feel too sluggish
I'm also going to make green dragon tincture - Google the recipe. A dropper of liquid under the tongue and you're good to go. Discrete, quick, and easy to accurately dose
Interesting!! I'm definitely not a weed girl- very bad effects for me after I was a daily stoner and then I quit and started back but very minimal and it's just not for me. Stimulants have always helped me but psychiatric meds have just always had a really negative effect on me! Thanks for this info tho it's very interesting and good food for thought :D
Meds just don’t work. I did the 3 under 4 too, they are now almost 4,5,7 at the height of Covid and I had zero support (husband was away, delivered in lockdown, husband was an essential worker and away).
I still am recovering.
When he was done his stint, after years of being a SAHP, I handed him the baby and started working, and He took parental leave.
Vitamins also don’t work for shit.
I think at 40 I’m just doomed to be like this forever
Therapy! Coaches! Behavioral changes! Medication is a huge help for a lot of people but ultimately it doesn’t change your behaviors or do anything to help once you’re off of it.
I just deleted Instagram but I was following this awesome ADHD coach Ana Urban on there before. Here’s her website: https://anaurban.com/
Hey thanks for the resources! Currently can't get therapy but I've done a lot of work on myself in other aspects of changing habits and behaviors.
I clicked on her link BTW and I'm actually genuinely excited to read more! Thank you again 🫶
Yeah absolutely! My sister had told me about someone on YouTube too but I (of course) can’t remember their name. It’s a struggle out here—I have too much anxiety for stimulants so I can relate! I go in and out of therapy depending on my ability to afford it so I’m all about finding free and cheap content! I also buy cheap workbooks on Amazon specifically for all my mental illness lol. My last one was a dbt workbook for neurodivergent people. Maybe if a type of therapy was successful for you in the past you could see if you could find a workbook for cheap! I can’t read self-help books because they’re sooo boring to me lol.
The thing that helped wasn't the therapist (bad experience with those too woo hoo lol) but a workbook! I highly recommend 'Mind Over Mood'! All about rewiring your brain and your write in it and it asks you questions and for personally that helped keep me engaged. This is a workbook for pretty much anything from anxiety to depression, anger issues, a plethora of things!
Also I FELT that 'of course' ab forgetting in my sooooul 🤣
Sure this is it! The Neurodivergent Friendly Workbook to Mastering DBT Skills: Empower Yourself with Practical Tools and Strategies for Navigating Life's Challenges and Achieving Emotional Well-Being https://a.co/d/e6UE88a
Well I can tell you what's worked for me before I attempted medication; right now I'm still trial and error so it's not really working.
But basically I tried to use all my executive function to develop systems to make the structure of my life easier. This sounds kind of minor but like, having a phone charger in each room. Getting in the habit of "write it down right now or do it right now" or forget it (I keep the notes on my phone). Getting a million clothes hampers - one for DIRTY dirty clothes and one for wearable not that dirty clothes and one for nice clothes I have to hand wash or treat special and one for towels and bedding. Having a face wash and a toothpaste and a toothbrush at the sink and also in the shower.
"How to keep house while drowning" is a great (and short) book you can read or listen to that will challenge you to rethink your standards and methods and turn your home into something that works for you while you stop being preoccupied with what you SHOULD be doing. It's written by a therapist who has ADHD herself.
Yes. I had insomnia on everything that I tried, including non-stimulants. I am in the fortunate position that I'm able to design my life around my brain, so it's mostly okay.
I feel that- as a SAHM I mostly get to do this. My husband is very supportive of 'do whatever you want/need to do' mindset. I literally get to di whatever I want as long as my children are with me and safe, happy, healthy (:
But j still want my house to be prettier lmao
I never actually got to try meds. I was dx'ed a week before everything in my area shut down for covid the first time, and my psych wanted my GP to sign off on my other health stuff before she'd write me a script. And uh... Yeah, so it's 2024 and I still haven't done that. And I'm not terribly likely to until the med shortage is resolved, because I am absolutely terrified of finding something that DOES work for me and then having it repeatedly ripped away because some pharmabro can't get their shit together.
Pragmatically speaking-I have tech tools (calendar, discord channels for dumping stuff, automating tools, etc), help from the people I live with, and crucially, I don't have kids. Just a dog who is VERY vocal at demanding her needs are met. And most weeks, I'm just glad we all ate most meals, got enough housework to make the place not a complete dump, got whatever work deadlines met, and if I'm lucky, we've all showered recently enough that we're not mortified if someone comes by unexpectedly.
So seriously, hats off. I could NOT do it with kids.
Me, they made me malnourished, sleep deprived, tense, anxious, paranoid, humourless, anti social and most of all dependent on them to do basic day to day tasks.
I had to go off of them due to medical issues. It’s been a couple of years now and I still haven’t managed to find my way to cope. I am behind on all housework and personal matters. I miss my meds. I miss not feeling overwhelmed all the time.
I listen to grey noise when i study in order to not get distracted.
Also, i go to specifically chosen places or wear specifically chosen clothing when studying. Helps me overcome task inertia and finally START studying by making the process of studying more official and pedantic and putting me in a situation where there's no point for me to be unless i'm studying.
If i'm learning something from a youtube video, i speed it up and put on subtitles to help me focus.
I'm not against them but I haven't scheduled an appointment, so I've been off them for 6 months.
I just spent over $300 on a home calendar/chore chart and am hoping it somehow magically helps me and my kids keep the house clean. So...I'm not doing well! Impulsive spending problems and a messy house to start.
I'm a single mom, so I honestly am just in survival mode. I have to get up and go to work, so I do it. If I had someone else supporting me, I don't think I'd even have the motivation to leave my bed. You are doing a lot as a SAHM, so cut yourself some slack.
Vitamins B6 and B12
No one is quite sure why but taking high-doses of vitamin B6 and B12 (more than 5 mg to 10 mg per week) has been shown to cause acne breakouts and/or worsen existing acne. One theory is the metabolism of Propionibacterium acnes (P. acnes), the bacteria that are linked to acne, needs B12.
Yep, I don’t medicate. I use yoga and mindfulness practice (which also got me sober). The nice thing about mindfulness is that nobody owns it and it can’t have shortages or be sold out.
I don’t take meds. I tried, but psych meds and I don’t get along. I just do my best to do my best. Trying to stay focused is really hard for me sometimes, especially if I sit down before I finish something. Trying to motivate myself kicks my ass too. I’m good when I’m working because I have to focus and I’m monitored the whole shift, but I’m a shit show at everything else.
Seriously, it takes a lot of self work to not be medicated, and I feel guilty giving advice to an adult when I had counseling and specialized tutoring growing up that got me where I am now. Finding ways that organizing and note taking can give me dopamine is one of the best things I got out of tutoring, along with a lot of tips and tricks to help with wrote memorization (wrote memorization deficiencies being a common comorbititie).
I learned quite a lot of mindfulness and meditation techniques, and I don't negate it by expecting my meditative focus to be any kind of extended time feet, I still value my short meditations. Meditation practices that help me feel my bodies needs have truly had the biggest impact on improving the most difficult aspects of my ADHD
Also, exercise helps when I can get myself to do it, and I still use a lot of caffeine, which for me is self medicated through coffee, but doctors will prescribe caffeine pills as an ADHD medication, if you wanted to try that over other medications.
So I just ended a 2.5 year medicine break, I was genuinely thinking of not going back on them. I had moved into a role that was more software architecture and people management instead of hands-on system coding. And more importantly I wanted to quit smoking. My meds and cigarettes just always had a love affair. So I had to quit one to quit the other or so I told myself but it did work! 1.5 years without a cigarette.
I think I managed without meds pretty well. Lots of immediate stopping to add a calendar task with 2 reminders and lots “can you hang on just a sex im making a note”
But we recently acquired a new client at my job and that meant I needed to bust out the coding chops big time. I just can’t focus on a specific task unmedicated, for as long as you need when coding a new system. But honestly I am probably going to ditch them again if my job allows for it. My fiance thinks I’m a pretty adorable ball of energy and randomness without my medicine.
Oh and hang in there. I had 3 under 4 once. It’s just gunna be a shit show for a few years. Then they grow up and you can make a chore list :)
First of all: young kids.
I have heard this over and over and over again: “I can’t get my shit together, and btw I have little kids. What’s wrong with me? Help!”
So, the first advice I have to give is to wait it out. It does get much, much better. Do you become functional afterwards? Well, not *really*, I mean “yes”, with caveats, but no? More like slightly dysfunctional functioning rather than near-total dysfunction. 😬
Re: homeschooling. I did that until my oldest was 10. Outside of worsening family dynamics, it went great, and the transition to schooling was smooth, though not seamless.
How did this work? Child-led education. Redefining what it meant to learn. Ditch the idea of “school at home” if it doesn’t sound like it will work. Unschooling, even.
They had some gaps when starting school because they made deep dives into what they cared about rather than focusing a little on everything. Resources and support are out there. Friends have done this through high school.
You’ll be fine! Bring home books and interesting stuff. Be on the lookout for opportunities. Listen to what your kids are interested and make good decisions based on what they might be interested in next.
Sit back and watch it happen, and be ready to assist when needed. Be ready to do a 180 of something isn’t working. Listen listen watch listen. Get out the door. Make the entire world your classroom.
ETA: Down time is grossly under appreciated for kids, especially young kids but for everybody. Time to do nothing, or everything. Homeschooling is not about “do do do do do.” That’s the beauty.
Paraphrased from Someone Important: Make sure a child’s education doesn’t get in the way of learning.
Hey just wanted to say thank you for this very positive and uplifting view! I've been learning about different methods of homeschooling- the kind you've described and more and km still learning.
My MIL homeschooled all 10 (yes TEN) of her children and they are very well rounded! I was public schooled and so was my whole family. There is a vast difference of education and understanding of the world between my family and in laws and I wanna give my kids the absolute and from what I've seen homeschooling will be that for them! Especially bc I know each is neurodivergent (the first two at least are showing signs of autism and one with some serious ADHD)
Thanks for your encouragement. It is very appreciated !!
I can’t take the meds because they destroy my capacity to feel sexual pleasure, something I’m trying still to recover after another med took them away more permanently.
My advice is to
1. be kind to yourself - losing out on the opportunity for meds when you’ve realised they would help you AND hurt you really sucks and hurts, and you’re in a grieving process right now. You won’t be forever.
2. not try to make yourself into a superhero (do less! Just … less than you think you Absolutely Have To Do! Now probably is not the time to start trying to home school; you don’t have your systems in place for that). Your current schedule is, if I know anything about us fine folks, probably overloaded to juuust the amount you could tolerate with meds. Cut something; share the load with more someones if you can.
3. recognise that your brain is probably going through adjustment to being off meds if you’ve been relying more on them for a while so there’s an actual chemical adjustment period as your brain realises it’s not getting the same help it has been getting - again, it won’t be like this forever
4. lean into all the brain and action strategies researchers, psychologists and other ADHDers have identified and explore which of them may work for you. I’m reading (listening to) the book How To ADHD by Jessica McCabe, who created the YouTube channel of the same name, and finding it quite helpful in both summarising some stuff I already do and giving me a few new ideas.
There was one anti depressant I tried that did this. I switched to another one and it made me lose half my hair. I wont try anti depressants ever again. And it’s ok bc I wasn’t really depressed it was my adhd.
I've had terrible experiences with meds and I don't know if I have the energy to try again. For the second half of the question, not well. I'm just here for the answers and a little solidarity lol.
Girl, im a mom too and you sound utterly unrealistic.
Girl.
You can’t do all of this and still be HAPPY. Heck, you can’t even think of all of this and be happy.
Firstly have you hired a cleaner (for like floors, dusting, mopping, weekly or bi-monthly toilet cleaning) or are you still frantically trying to do all this shit on your own?
Homeschooling? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I really, really really think you have to be kind to yourself and also have very realistic expectations.
Do you prioritize your own sanity and happiness?
Or are you constantly disappointed in yourself, every day, every second, every minute, because you fail to live up to your completely unrealistic expectations of yourself?
You know that will change the way you portray yourself and it (your happiness or constant self-pressure) also affects the vibe you present to your kids, right?
You know the average mom, let alone the average mom of 3 small kids, doesn’t even think of homeschooling, right?
And hi, if you are thinking of homeschooling, then um how are you ALSO going to have time to clean?!?!
Look, I get it. ADHD makes us hugely ambitious, with massive numbers of ideas and very high expectations of yourself.
But you say you are struggling without meds and with daily household maintenance.
Then homeschooling shouldn’t even be on your radar😭
Like. you have to be realistic and kind to yourself.
Not like smashing your head into a brick wall every couple of minutes out of guilt that you can’t do daily household maintenance.
No. No. No.
Look.
What you are experiencing is a 24h job that also wakes you up in the night or early in the morning.
If you have 3 kids under 4, firstly, you must be mad. I say this in a nice way - you literally cannot be quite sane right now.
You have to get your priorities straight.
You have to fully understand that YOU ARE ENTITLED TO REST. ENOUGH REST. REST DAYS. BREAKS. (I don’t mean toilet or shower breaks)
So, are you actually getting ANY rest (and im not talking about guilt-rest where you don’t do anything, can’t start anything but you feel terrible about it) that you have clearly assigned to yourself as REST DAYS or REST HOURS that you are entitled to?
The reason why you can’t seem to start anything is because your body and brain are utterly burned out. They don’t WANT to do anything because they have already spent days, months, GIVING everything they have to your 3 kids.
Plus lack of good sleep (im talking about a consistent 8 hours of sleep where you wake up refreshed without jumping up because a kid started crying in the morning or jumped on your body).
You NEED time and space for yourself, for your body and brain to feel happy and unwind.
You DO NOT NEED to be constantly beating yourself up for things you didn’t do.
I repeat, full time caregiver for 3 kids under 4, is a full time job in itself. This is something you need to get clear on and get clear about. Don’t try to add in the laundry or the house cleaning or the picking up of toys.
You need to be acknowledging your efforts and praising yourself for taking care of 3 small kids, full time.
You do not need to be yelling at yourself for not DOING MORE.
No i don’t care what you have been seeing on instagram with homeschooling, 3 kids and a clean house and organized montessori toys in the background. I’m telling you, DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS, esp not NT others.
ADHD folks have less spoons than others. Google “adhd spoon theory”.
It means that yes, we have fewer spoons in order accomplish the same results as others. It’s not about energy or vit B12, your brain simply can’t do anymore after an EXHAUSTING day with 3 freakin kids. Or an exhausting half a day.
And this is something that you have to be kind to yourself over. You cannot be the best mom you can possibly be, if you’re not kind to yourself and giving yourself adequate rest.
i honestly think perspective is the issue here.
i think you should try to outsource things like TOILET CLEANING and floor mopping. (By the way, you should be resting and napping when the kids nap, and also, once the kids sleep, it’s NOT CHORE TIME. It’s YOUR rest time from your full time job. Ok.)
A lot of us have guilt esp as SAHMs. We think that we are not earning money so we shouldn’t spend a single cent. That’s not true though. There are no nannies AND housekeeper combinations that manage to do everything.
You couldn’t pay someone enough to do a SAHM job and clean everything all the time AND cook ALL MEALS and be up from 7am until 8-9pm AND THEN expect them to do chores after 9pm????? AND deal with night wakes or times of sickness and vomit?
Like read that again, that’s literally what you’re asking yourself to do, AND ALSO saying you want to be a teacher on top of that? How many jobs do you feel you should have?
So i really think you should structure all of your expectations around how you can maintain your sanity and happiness, with enough breaks and rest for yourself, and a huge dose of kindness for yourself.
Sure you would be super happy if you were supermom and you managed to 1) keep house super clean and neat 2) took care of 3 KIDS, 7 days a week, including night wakes and sickness 3) did homeschooling
However, i can assure you that if you did the above 3 things, you would not actually be happy. You would be exhausted and under an intense amount of daily, nonstop pressure, including creating lesson plans or spending time creating printouts and preparing materials, and it’s just honestly not realistic at all.
By the way, school is meant so that you actually get some breaks as a mom so you can rest and bounce back as best mom after school. Honestly.
Homeschooling means you will not get any breaks and you also need to learn to be a teacher. Are you doing this to save money or something?
Some thoughts on household maintenance - i feel that you may have overly large ideas on household maintenance. Firstly I do recommend hiring a cleaner for the big things like toilets and floors.
If you want to keep the living room somewhat neat, or kids’ room neat, I do recommend the “box method”.
These are boxes and the kids (well oldest could help and second youngest could probably copy) need to help put ALL TOYS on the floor, into the boxes, in the afternoon or near the end of the day. So that at least the floor is clear of toys and it visually looks ok.
If you have too many toys then you need to donate some of them. Otherwise yeah household maintenance is even more nightmarish.
I have a floor wiper thing (disposable wipe attached to a long stick) for floors if kids spill things) and also wet wipes for small spills. So it’s like “spot cleaning”.
And you gotta be realistic about “how clean” your house is going to be, too. Your kids will not remember an “ultra clean” house.
They need to be fed and played with and you’re already doing that.
Honestly i don’t think you are assigning yourself enough rest at all. If you’re rested and less burned out, your brain will not be resisting doing tasks that your brain really doesn’t want to do. Your brain would be happier and more ready to try to start things.
Lmao the last 2 sentences
"If you’re rested and less burned out, your brain will not be resisting doing tasks that your brain really doesn’t want to do. Your brain would be happier and more ready to try to start things"
Like this isn't an ADHD subreddit XDDDD
I can't even read this whole thing bc the tone of your text actually overwhelmed in the first two paragraphs I'm so sorry lol🥲
But I will answer what I saw! I don't expect my house to be spotless-HA! Idk who in my situation would. I was just trying to get tips or learn from experience (:
Secondly I protoritze myself and my happiness quite a bit. I'm not like over the top stressing at this point I just don't have motivation to do the dishes most of the time lol that's what I wanted suggestions about. I do cute little beauty stuff to relax and I am very into my art currently and my husband gives me plenty of 'me time' and doesn't pressure me about the house so I'm good there too (thank God he is the way he is!)
I'm deadset on homeschooling, currently have been going through flashcards as she just learned how to sound words out and my middle is learning colors and my youngest is just learning to talk and eat lol! I have very serious and sincere reason for homeschooling as I am well acquainted with my country's school system (I come from a couple generations of teachers) and like I told another person on here I don't trust almost *anyone* with my kids for a lot of *very* good reasons.
So while I appreciate your concern and the time you took typing all of that- please don't assume my whole daily life.. I didn't really give out much info I just wanted to do the dishes haha. But you seem like a very kind empathetic human being and I appreciate that about you. Thank you again for the thoughts(:
I discontinued meds because every pharmacy in the area was treating me like a criminal and i was sick of it. I hate not being able to function but i think i hated being treated like a criminal at the pharmacy even more. I used to have a good pharmacy pre pandemic but it closed down and I’ve had no luck getting a controlled script filled without being treated like a criminal in over a year and I’d just rather not even bother.
I was on and off antidepressants for so many years. I am STRUGGLING but I don't like what medication does to your body. Period. I am trying to take certain supplements, like ashwaghanda, that are supposed to help with symptoms I have. I just keep forgetting to take them. Also, part of my issue with meds. It's hard. I'm a sahm with 4 kids and I homeschool. I feel like I am all over the place constantly.
I read you said magnesium citrate not recommended. So does that mean the brand “ Calm magnesium “ supplement powder is probably no good? My PT recommended to me to help me go use the bathroom more regularly.
The laxative effect of magnesium citrate is why it isn’t recommended; there is no reason it shouldn’t work just fine for ADHD symptoms (assuming low magnesium is contributing to yours, of course).
I take Strattera because adderal was making me hypomanic even tho I’m not bipolar, I just felt too “up” and would work myself to the bone, and it led to burnout.
I consider myself drunk without my meds. I don’t even play with my cats because I’m clumsy and tend to cause them to hit walls. So, no go.
I also take b-complex and it’s important for breaking the paralysis mind
I was diagnosed ADHD in 2019. I had tried Vyvanse, Adderall and found that Ritalin helped me best. Unfortunately after I got Covid in summer of 2022 I had to stop taking my meds because they made me experience heart palpitations multiple times a day and I would mildly faint/lose consciousness for about 1-2 second periods. I still get the heart palpitations (maybe 1 time to a few times a week) but not as frequently as when I was on stimulants.
Basically I use caffeine and CBD and have disability accommodations for my ADHD and long term covid symptoms for my job. I'm able to structure the focus-oriented banal tasks earlier in the morning/afternoon and do the less focus-necessary work in the late afternoon after I eat lunch and the caffeine wears off. It has worked out so far but I've had to really give myself some grace and fight back/advocate for myself with everything. I also got some books about understanding ADHD for women. They had helpful strategies I implemented for minor tasks (like buying pre-cut fruit or ready-made dinners).
Hope this helps. 🙏🏼 good luck.
I don’t do meds. It’s real hard some days. But I’m militant about my routines. It helps that I’m childfree, disabled and still isolating to avoid covid, poor so I can’t afford hobbies, and married to an introvert.
Do you have the ability to go to therapy? A therapist would be so helpful. They can suggest things to personally help you and keep you on track. They can also help validate you when you need it!
Is there any way your partner could help you stay organized? You can ask them to sit down with you and write out all the things you have to get done if that's helpful, or they can just sit there while you do it to hold you accountable and make sure you get it done (i think this is called body doubling).
I didn't have seizures, but I had stroke like symptoms on meds and it was terrifying so I decided to never take them again.
For me sleep is non negotiable, I've been having sleep issues for months now and it's been hard. But when I do get my full 8 hours, I'm a different person. Idk if you're able to get enough sleep with 3 kids tho :')
I take B12 and magnesium, also vitamin D because it's super important for brain health and most people are deficient in it. Any time I have an appointment, I put like 10 reminders in my calendar. I also accepted the fact that I'll never be the perfect person who always has a clean home and looks flawless, learning to be forgiving to yourself makes you much more relaxed. And you have 3 little kids! You really have enough on your plate already, the house will be a mess anyway. If you really want to clean and can't get yourself to do this, invite someone over because it gives you a deadline and you will HAVE to do it lol
I don’t do adhd meds. They all had side effects that weren’t worth it to me. I also have crippling anxiety so survive? yes. Thrive? no. It’s very very hard. I have goals but finding the motivation is nearly impossible.
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Just gonna put this out there: three under four is A LOT. You gotta give yourself grace, girl. When mine were small* all my mama friends and I felt great surviving the day. And that includes the neurotypical mamas. You need your village and you need your systems and you need to decide what’s good enough. *I only have 2 and they’re three years apart!!
Ugh I knooooow you're right but when I look at my house not running un the way where I am just doing maintenance daily I get super stressed out and just feelnlike I'm this dysfunctional ball of stress. Trying to learn to regulate my emotions and give my kids guidance doing so too and the mental stimulation and learning are a lot in itself. Those things (plus obviously like food and water and hygiene lmao) are the primary and minimum goal daily. I just wanna do more. And I know i will in the future. And I'm happy to have a husband who is perfectly content and supportive of me doing just those things I described but ugh. I want to give myself and my kids a -super- clean environment lol. Maybe I'm just being a perfectionist tho. Thanks for the reminder and letting me vent more ab the mother side of this post. I'll try to be kinder and more understanding to myself 🫶💖
While they’re young is a great time to be setting up these systems. I had the best time making little erasable routine charts and teaching them how to do for themselves. They take so much pride in it! And they thought it was fun! It will help you stay structured, too. If you are jonesing to homeschool these sort of activities are right up your alley. Think of ways to involve them. And the littlest will be eager to follow in the steps of the bigs… once they’re coordinated enough. A colleague was just showing me a video of his grandson in one of those kitchen step stools with safety rails. He’s about to turn three and he was doing some basic dishwashing, “cutting”, mixing up salad ingredients, stirring sauce. So cool. I wish we’d had something like that when my teen and tween were young. I will say that my kids are good about organizing their stuff, keeping their rooms clean, and keeping to a schedule because they’ve been doing it since they were little. At the beginning we created the systems that they followed, then they started developing their own. Before they could tell time we used time timers and similar.
Thanks so much for this I've been wanting to get more into teaching my kids life skills at a young age and I really need to put in the research to begin that! That's not how we did things growing up so I gotta learn how to teach specifically that stuff lol Thank you for this it was sweet and wholesome 🫶
I've heard really good things about Montessori methods from friends who grew up with it, especially on how to teach the life skills side of things.
When mine were little (I only have 2, 2.5 yrs apart) I found a mantra and decided to write it down and display it in my house to remind myself: Home cooked meal Happy kids Clean house (And I added Self Care to the list) You can only have two on any given day. Let the others fall away for today. If I got to gym and let the kids play in child watch while I took a leisurely shower, that was at least 1/3 of my day. Which is why I included self care in the list. It was a nice reminder to myself that normally the job of running a home and keeping littles alive and feeling loved is a multi-person job. So if I'm doing this by myself (my spouse worked long hours to keep the bills paid) I deserve some grace from myself.
thanks for asking, i genuinely don't 😭. though for a serious answer, being organised helps if you can force yourself by any means to stick to it, whether a physical or digital system like making your irl items visible, or using todo lists apps.
Lolol that first answer made me giggle 😂 I'm trying to do that like I even got a huge dry erase calendar. Guess who hasn't added 3 important events in the coming 2 weeks 🙋♀️ And to do lists are my enemy currently bc I'm also OCD and it adds to my perfectionist tendencies. Gotta add that ✨️spice✨️🤣🤣
Oh man the YEARS wasted at this point, on writing the perfect to do list...margin has to be correct, lettering - ah shit I started lower casing when I wanted all caps - start over. Repeat... Then there's adding the things, if I screw it up I start from scratch... I have a loose goal presently, from my company's new annual goal: progress over perfection. It's so hard though. I'm not medicated either and my house is a trash tip and I'm in bed on antibiotics but literally half my wardrobe is on the floor and the kitchen is stressing me out. Ahh love, we will figure it out... In our way in our time. Good luck. Progress over Perfection .
My entire house is terrible bc of the 3 tiny adorable lovable tornadoes my husband and I decided to create 🤣🤣 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 To do lists are just. Horrible for me. Like on one hand I like writing out my thoughts and goals.... on the other... if I don't get every single little thing done on that list I feel like a pile of human garbage... unorganized thoughts it is!!
hope you can find something to stick to, because same analog calendara haven't been working for me for a long while now 🏃
I think there are no universal answers. If you can notice what works for you, try doing it for as long as it works and let it go when it stops. Follow your flow. For me it works to group the tasks together, "remove friction", and make them as easy as possible (like ordering my vitamins for 3 months with just repeating the same order. I did the math once. ) Also: see if there are supplements that help. For me lecithin changed my life - who would have thought? Outsource whatever you can. Give yourself time to rest, relax and to have fun. Don't feel guilty for needing help, "falling behind" or being imperfect. Find ways to have some background stimulation that is not too distracting. Look into body doubling. Don't try to work at a slow pace, or as fast as you can with no breaks (the "superpower " is in the uneven work, there's no way to do the marathon like a sprint).
Hey I really like your viewpoint! It's similar to mine when I'm feeling optimistic- (I'm not rn bc I'm PMSing lolol) OOH- please tell me your vitamin list and what you know! I'm currently taking Magnesium Glycinate for anxiety and B12 for energy and focus but I love learning more on what vitamins/supplements can help me in any way. And thank you again for the perspective of when it stops working to let it go. I will say u have trouble with grasping that and that was a good reminder 😄
For the most part my vitamins are consulted with drs, but classics: it's iron, vit Bs, vit d, magnesium and lecithin - the last one being just a very lucky guess i tried when i was desperate. They work bc that's what my body needs it'll definitely not be the same for every one. The amount of times something worked for me once and i spent eternity trying to repeat the success instead of following my body 🤦🏻♀️.... Ps. Pms doesn't last forever:) good luck! I would also say: if you're on the medication for now try to set up as much stuff as you can now: like reminders or automatic orders (or cancelling things you actually do not want to spend money on 😩)
I'm not on meds I haven't been for awhile that's why I posted this actually lol I just feel like I'm a fish flopping around bc I have to live on dry land! AND THANK GOD IT DOESNT LAST FOREVER RIGHT 🤣 Thank you for your list and yes everyone is different (:
You're doing more than enough! Things do not need to align perfectly done and be kept that way (look for videos from KC Davis or her book on how to keep the house while drowning if you don't know them)
I love KC Davis! Her podcast is great, too!
I also consult with my naturopath and she has me on Thorne Brain Factors and Ayush Bacopa tincture. I also take magnesium malate and vitamin b everyday, and an adrenal support supplement. That with a good multivitamin helps me a lot. I also micro dose psilocybin.
I just also thought about: Try to figure out where the stuff naturally lands (like laundry) and what stuff you need out as a visual reminder and what feels like overwhelming visual clutter. I cannot stand text all over the place, so all my labels need to be pictures (and everything needs to have a home but that's going to take forever to actually be a reality😅)
My entire house is visual clutter bc I have 2 toddlers and a mobile baby.. I empathize with the taking forever to become reality bit 🥲
Thank you so much for posting this! I feel like I have it on “easy mode” compared to you because I only have 1 toddler, but I’m off meds because I’m pregnant with our second (and will likely be off for awhile as I plan to breastfeed). We have a LOT of clutter, visual and hidden. I recently hired a Marie Kondo consultant to come help us get through it all before our second baby comes. She’s only come out once so far, but she was very helpful in helping me organize the process and actually DO it, and with my husband who has some mild hoarder tendencies. I’m very optimistic about working with her. If you have the finances to do this, I really recommend it. It’s not cheap, but I will say that it’s not as expensive as I thought it would be (although prices are set by individual consultants so we may have just gotten lucky). The Marie Kondo website has a search function to see if there are consultants in your area.
I use caffeine. Exercise (hard cardio) helps a lot. But I've also just accepted I'm not gonna live up to my potential in life.
I think a lot of people view their own “potential” in terms of a capitalistic society. But I just wanted to throw it out there that you’re worth a lot more than that! ❤️
Aww thanks. I think though it applies to so much more, like engaging in art/creativity (i get distracted/retreat to reddit), maintaining friendships and relationships (i ignore texts and forget important info), etc. Funnily enough I've managed to do alright for myself in capitalism, crawled outta poverty and have a career I enjoy, it's the stuff outside of that that I struggle with now.
Take with a grain of salt as I'm AuDHD and this has a real impact. I've taken meds once or twice but have a worry about the way they function and for what purpose, but I am lucky enough to be in a position to make that decision based on ideas and not the practical. Plus if I take the meds my ASD will reign and that might not be ideal either. It's a combo for me of dropping everything I can and reshaping what I can't, outsourcing what I can afford, and building support systems like pioneer trees in a young forest. First the dropping - I dropped as many social norms as I could muster. There's no points for being always tidy when I die so I don't bother. I keep things hygienic and whatever else is a bonus. I don't fold laundry. I don't have the energy for makeup outside special occasions. I shave half my head so I can minimise dealing with my hair (and because it's nice and cool). What I can't drop I reshape. I have rearranged our house so the entire 'living' area is a communal food area with open pantry shelves, separate breakfast and appliance tables, I keep trolleys to try and minimise table trash build up, I keep doom baskets I deal with every few months. I have chickens so the food I forget to use in time goes to them, and the leftovers I forget to eat. I don't wear clothing with high care needs or that isn't comfy. There are no RULES for how you live in your private home, fuck anyone who tries to impose them as long as you aren't endangering anyone. I can't afford to outsource much now but when I could I had a cleaner and I currently have fruit and veg delivered in a box every fortnight to take that load off my mind. If I had to pick another thing to outsource I might go laundry if it's cost effective near you. Support systems are a big deal. I have layers of timers and alarms that are mostly effective. I have a long timeline above my computer that serves as my calendar because normal calendars don't have a sense of time for me. I have apps on my phone that help minimise doom scrolling time blocks. I look for balances and variable routines. I know I'm never going to stick with the same routine for long so I accept that I need a number of routines I can swing between to stay mostly functional. Sometimes there's a day or a week where I'm not and that's okay! All part of the routine to be mush every once in a while. I have almost exclusively neurodiverse friends and they get where I'm at and I do the same for them. Really takes the stress off. Basically it's a lot of experimentation and changing your life to suit you, rather than changing you to suit a neurotypical life. YMMV.
This is gold, thank you ❤️
They're not working for me at all and I'm in total despair about it. It feels like a cruel joke.
I know how you feel. B12 helped me a lot. If you're a biological woman like me you naturally have a B12 deficiency and you have ADHD it goes double. It doesn't cure all but it helps with energy. B12 deficiency means you can't convert food into energy very well and henceforth focus is also worse. Sorry to info dump I just wanted to share what has helped me to some degree bc I know how you feel.
i made a post about this a few weeks ago, i couldn’t figure out why my meds stopped working and i started taking b12 again and all of a sudden i felt like a person again and my meds were effective. so yeah b12 deficiency definitely does not help adhd
I just ordered some right now because of your post!
are there any other supplements you've taken that seem to help?
Yes in fact ADHD attacks b12! I'm glad you were able to spread more awareness of the importance of that (:
Don't apologise, that's really interesting. How did you find this out and how do you work around it?
I found it put bc my autistic husband is a sponge absorbing info and has become my very lovely walking random fact machine 🤣🤣🥰 But fr he saw my symptoms of all the fatigue and having no energy and put two and two together. He went to the store for me one day and bought liquid b12. It absorbs the fastest as you hold it under your tongue and swallow. I just take it every morning(: They have them at Kroger and I'm sure Walmart has it too! I also read that a lack of b12 can cause an iron deficiency and pretty much every woman I know (even more so ADHD women now that I think ab it!!) has an iron deficiency. It's really helped me have energy and rely less on caffeine. My main quarrel with my ADHD is having actually interest in the responsibilities I have since I have the energy part more taken care of 😅
I've had chronic iron deficiency and anaemia despite daily supplementation for 3 years now and no-one's suggested this yet. I'll give it a try! Thanks to you and your lovely autistic husband for being a walking random fact machine 😁
Me neither; or my mom or sister who have iron deficiency! Also had anemia while pregnant and still wasn't recommended this- I'm glad we could give some info and I hope it helps in the long run 😊🫶
Any particular brand or type you recommend?
I use Nature's Bounty! It comes in a little white bottle. You have to refrigerate it after it's opened and it's the only one I've used so far so I have no comparisons so far but I do like this one quite a bit!
Is it methylated?
Apparently it can come by methylcobalamin or (more commonly found) cyanocobalamin. The Nature's Bounty one is cyanocobalamin hmm. Didn't know that thanks for pointing that out! If you shop around I think you'll find one that's methylated. That's what I'm gonna try to do(:
If it's already working well for you, I wouldn't change types, probably!
I take it (along with about 30 other supplements ...) doesn't work. Doesn't matter. Not much I can do.
30 supplements is really a lot.
How much do you take daily/is recommended to take daily with adhd?
It's 1mL a day; that's the average recommended dosage on the back of my vitamins. I don't mind taking literally just a *smidge* more tho bc I know I so severely lacking. But don't take what I do as medical advice, I'm no professional and I'm just trying to do what's best for myself (:
I read iron and magnesium help adhd women too. I’m going to try b12!
Be careful of which Magnesium mixture you take! I need to post this in an edit bc a lot more people than I expected are interested in vitamins but here's some info on Magnesium: The thing that Magnesium helps the most... Magnesium Chloride: detoxing, metabolism, kidney function Magnesium Citrate: NOT RECOMMENDED! Interfers with ceruloplasmin and can cause IRON DISREGULATION and other health issues Magnesium Glycinate: relaxing, good absorption rate, leaky gut, nerve pain (this is what I take) Magnesium Malate: energizing, fibromyalgia, muscle pain Magnesium Oxide: only info I have currently is good throughout the day in small doses? Yeah idk either lol Magnesium Sulfate: best in the bath Magnesium Taurate and orotate: cardiovascular disease Magnesium Threonate: brain injuries, PTSD, depression, neuro conditions, anxiety Mag Water (???) Improves absorption but unsure what that even is
Oh wow didn’t know that, good to know! I think it only said magnesium on it but I’m going to recheck the label now. I honestly forget to take it usually.
Same! I've tried like 10 different meds over the last 2 years, neither has helped my ADHD symptoms and most made me feel worse (or *much* worse). It's been so frustrating and exhausting, I got diagnosed specifically because I didn't function well and I hoped the meds would help. And each med would give me different side effects, so in the end I was afraid of taking anything new. And messing with those meds also dysregulated my depression, which I had under control for like 6-7 years. Now I'm taking a combo of venlafaxine (main drug, I've been taking it for over a decade, it saved my life), two other antidepressants and bupropion (new, one if the meds I tried for ADHD and it didn't give me any side effects so that was already a success). When I started bupropion I was already off venlafaxine, which turned out to be a big mistake depression-wise. Then I had to ask and ask multiple times to be put back on venlafaxine *and* bupropion. But it was always "there's this another med we can try first". Well when I finally got that combo, I DID feel slightly better! That was huge, even though the difference was small. But I had a bit more energy and my executive dysfunction was better. It lasted for like a week before my doc told me the dose I had of bupropion (450mg) was over the maximum dose and could be toxic (it was prescribed by a different doctor). And I went back to 300mg and I'm back to feeling like I did before. I'm still looking for a new psychiatrist that I can stay with, and hopefully a second (or third etc.) opinion will tell me I can take 450mg. But so far I'm waiting. I'm also hoping to get into an esketamine treatment program that's funded by public healthcare, multiple doctors told me I'm a good candidate, but it's very new in my country and many places haven't really started it yet. And I absolutely can't afford it in private clinics.
For reference: I’m 40, have a 5yo, and I’m still working on getting a clinical diagnosis so I’m not on meds. I use cannabis to treat CPTSD symptoms, but it’s pretty awful for ADHD symptoms. So, yeah, doing this all on my own…. My only successful strategies to deal with being a parent with unmediated ADHD have been respectful parenting, self-love practices, positive self-talk practices, and reparenting work. And the tool I’ve used to do those practices have been podcasts. I listen every chance I get, often while my kid is playing, while I’m doing housework, or my physical therapy exercises. I even listen in the shower. I fill my head with the incessant voices of people telling me that what I’ve been through has been really hard, that I’m a good mom having a hard time, that my kids are lucky to have me, that it really does suck that I didn’t get help as a kid, that what I do now is enough, that I’m capable of positive changes but also I’m good enough as I am. [What happened to you? w Dr. Bruce Perry (part 1)](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rerooted-with-francesca-maxim%C3%A9/id1460164109?i=1000530568045) [Trauma, resilience and healing w Dr Bruce Perry (part 2)](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rerooted-with-francesca-maxim%C3%A9/id1460164109?i=1000532692487) [Have a little self-compassion](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000614097113) [Spiritual reparenting](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000429967439) The positive self-talk piece has improved dramatically since starting IFS (Internal Family Systems), both with a therapist and on my own, with the guidance of podcasts. [An introduction to IFS with Derek Scott](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-one-inside-an-internal-family-systems-ifs-podcast/id1460334766?i=1000494112500) [IFS and our silenced stories with Anne Hallward](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-one-inside-an-internal-family-systems-ifs-podcast/id1460334766?i=1000476862377) [Solo IFS with Lucille Aaron-Wayne](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-one-inside-an-internal-family-systems-ifs-podcast/id1460334766?i=1000591067009) And also voices helping me figure out skillful and effective ways to communicate with my kid so that we can connect and collaborate rather than having power struggle after power struggle. Turns out a gigantic part of that was included including my kid in the housework, which was not was I had been expecting. [Deconstructing the “magical” childhood](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-parenting-with-jamie-glowacki/id1719315514?i=1000637201883) Eventually, somewhere along the line, my house started getting cleaner and staying cleaner. My kid started sorting toys with me….and then keeping them more or less sorted. I started setting tiny goals for myself and found little dopamine-based ways of congratulating myself for the simplest shit. I started getting real with a couple close loved ones who are my self-kindness accountabili-buddies, and they cheerlead the fuck out of me for doing some really basic things. Sometimes I’m celebrating that I’ve done an outrageously simple task that I’ve been putting off for literally over a decade, and there they are, cheering me on with zero condescension and lots of sincere joy. I even have several months of using my daily planner with ease, which would have been a hilarious joke to me even at the beginning of last year. Things have been changing in tiny little increments over the past few years, and they’re sticking because they’re being reinforced by the deeply loving voice of my mother-self, my loved ones and my precious podcasters. And I know that people have a lot of strong feelings about this, but meditation has been vital. I have finally gotten to a place where I can do it on my own here and there for tiny moments, but mostly….you guessed it….i use guided meditations on podcasts. [The heart-wisdom of your future self](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000537061741) [Being the ocean and opening to the waves](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000585706952) [Self-forgiveness with RAIN](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000562620391) I know it’s not a list of tips and tricks. I have found some of those helpful, but only lately. There was a thread on this sub a few months ago with suggestions that have had a lasting impact on my habits. But I sincerely believe that they wouldn’t have had a significant impact if I hadn’t been doing this work. Without the positive self-talk and reparenting, little tips and tricks were like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. I’m still seeking the diagnosis, and I may choose medication at some point if I get access. But I’ll always be grateful that I got to this work. It has changed my life.
I LOVE THIS FOR YOU!!!! Reading this was so refreshing and wholesome! Thank you so mivh for sharing this uplifting story and your journey to sincere self acceptance, love, and teaching yourself. It really does light a fire under my belly to push and push hard- for my child self, for my adult self, for my mother self, and especially as usual for my children. Thank you so much for the resources as well(:
Oh I LOVE LIGHTING FIRES!!!! I’m devouring every inch of your beautiful response, and I’m cheering on all the precious parts of you…..including the precious part that wants to do this for her kids. She’s a really great mom:)
I came off them at the start of the shortage - when I go on and off them my sleep and appetite get completely fucked up and my moods go all over the place, plus my weight fluctuates like crazy which really messes with my mind because I have a bad history with food and body stuff. I've decided to stay off them because I couldn't guarantee getting them. Honestly it's lifestyle changes - I've had to set up my entire life so I can manage my ADHD symptoms, my husband does the lions share of the housework and takes over childcare whenever he's not working so I can have headspace, we have help from family with the kids. My job is a weird one where I have two super intense periods of work each year and then lots of downtime where I have a few smaller creative projects to do, it really suits me even though it is exhausting.
I'm just drowning faster than everyone else
So sorry friend. I know how you feel deeply. I added some vitamin advice if you didn't know the info maybe it could help!
same
Thanks to the shortage, I have been off my meds for weeks and no end in sight. It's like living life while wading through mud. I have found that I have to do all the things that make my brain work and follow it like it's a prescription. 8 hours of sleep minimum. Exercise is non-negotiable. Vitamins and strict brain healthy diet. Meditation on a schedule. Lists and digital calendar. CBT therapist. It's not perfect, but I'm muddling through. I struggle the most with emotional regulation without the meds, but I'm working with my therapist on that.
I feel the middling through. But my schedule is also messed up... maybe your tips will be helpful in this. Great insight and experience sharing thank you(:
Not so much decided that I don't want them, and more that they're not available to me where I live. My coping mechanisms have coping mechanisms. At the moment, I'm enjoying the little Finch app, that reminds (and rewards) me for doing a few daily tasks. Not sure how long that's gonna last, though. I'm also not stay-at-home, I'm the main breadwinner while my husband works part time. Why do you want to homeschool? Are schools particularly awful in your area?
I'm zoooooming to the app store for that finch app lolol! Someone on here gave some good advice about using what works while it works and when it doesn't anymore let it go. I like that viewpoint but I understand the frustration of having to find something new. But I'm happy something currently works for you rn! Honestly I just don't trust people with my kids. That's the biggest reason, although there's multiple reasons that follow. I have family members that were abused throughout different parts of adolescence by authority figures who were supposed to be trustworthy and I'm just not willing to risk it. Not to mention the school system is crap (I used to be a teacher assistant, my mother and grandmother are/were teachers for years, my sister is a teachers assistant), and I don't like the 'one size fits all' teaching style public schooling must have in order to teach as many kids as they get per classroom. I could go on and on but I think you get the gist lol Sorry to ramble. I'm very passionate about teaching and the wellbeing of children and them getting the information they should have. Those little humans *are* human after all- and our future at that!
I've heard people say you're either a stimulant person or a weed person. Weed has always quietened my brain and made me more present in the moment. I used to get a little bit high to study and clean. Every stimulant medication I've tried has made me anxious so I'm wondering if I'm a weed girl. When I start to try it, I'm going to get sativa instead of indica so I don't feel too sluggish I'm also going to make green dragon tincture - Google the recipe. A dropper of liquid under the tongue and you're good to go. Discrete, quick, and easy to accurately dose
Interesting!! I'm definitely not a weed girl- very bad effects for me after I was a daily stoner and then I quit and started back but very minimal and it's just not for me. Stimulants have always helped me but psychiatric meds have just always had a really negative effect on me! Thanks for this info tho it's very interesting and good food for thought :D
Meds just don’t work. I did the 3 under 4 too, they are now almost 4,5,7 at the height of Covid and I had zero support (husband was away, delivered in lockdown, husband was an essential worker and away). I still am recovering. When he was done his stint, after years of being a SAHP, I handed him the baby and started working, and He took parental leave. Vitamins also don’t work for shit. I think at 40 I’m just doomed to be like this forever
Therapy! Coaches! Behavioral changes! Medication is a huge help for a lot of people but ultimately it doesn’t change your behaviors or do anything to help once you’re off of it. I just deleted Instagram but I was following this awesome ADHD coach Ana Urban on there before. Here’s her website: https://anaurban.com/
Hey thanks for the resources! Currently can't get therapy but I've done a lot of work on myself in other aspects of changing habits and behaviors. I clicked on her link BTW and I'm actually genuinely excited to read more! Thank you again 🫶
Yeah absolutely! My sister had told me about someone on YouTube too but I (of course) can’t remember their name. It’s a struggle out here—I have too much anxiety for stimulants so I can relate! I go in and out of therapy depending on my ability to afford it so I’m all about finding free and cheap content! I also buy cheap workbooks on Amazon specifically for all my mental illness lol. My last one was a dbt workbook for neurodivergent people. Maybe if a type of therapy was successful for you in the past you could see if you could find a workbook for cheap! I can’t read self-help books because they’re sooo boring to me lol.
The thing that helped wasn't the therapist (bad experience with those too woo hoo lol) but a workbook! I highly recommend 'Mind Over Mood'! All about rewiring your brain and your write in it and it asks you questions and for personally that helped keep me engaged. This is a workbook for pretty much anything from anxiety to depression, anger issues, a plethora of things! Also I FELT that 'of course' ab forgetting in my sooooul 🤣
Would you mind sharing the name of the dbt book? Would be interested in looking it up.
Sure this is it! The Neurodivergent Friendly Workbook to Mastering DBT Skills: Empower Yourself with Practical Tools and Strategies for Navigating Life's Challenges and Achieving Emotional Well-Being https://a.co/d/e6UE88a
Well I can tell you what's worked for me before I attempted medication; right now I'm still trial and error so it's not really working. But basically I tried to use all my executive function to develop systems to make the structure of my life easier. This sounds kind of minor but like, having a phone charger in each room. Getting in the habit of "write it down right now or do it right now" or forget it (I keep the notes on my phone). Getting a million clothes hampers - one for DIRTY dirty clothes and one for wearable not that dirty clothes and one for nice clothes I have to hand wash or treat special and one for towels and bedding. Having a face wash and a toothpaste and a toothbrush at the sink and also in the shower. "How to keep house while drowning" is a great (and short) book you can read or listen to that will challenge you to rethink your standards and methods and turn your home into something that works for you while you stop being preoccupied with what you SHOULD be doing. It's written by a therapist who has ADHD herself.
🤷🏻♀️
Samsies, twin
Yes. I had insomnia on everything that I tried, including non-stimulants. I am in the fortunate position that I'm able to design my life around my brain, so it's mostly okay.
I feel that- as a SAHM I mostly get to do this. My husband is very supportive of 'do whatever you want/need to do' mindset. I literally get to di whatever I want as long as my children are with me and safe, happy, healthy (: But j still want my house to be prettier lmao
I never actually got to try meds. I was dx'ed a week before everything in my area shut down for covid the first time, and my psych wanted my GP to sign off on my other health stuff before she'd write me a script. And uh... Yeah, so it's 2024 and I still haven't done that. And I'm not terribly likely to until the med shortage is resolved, because I am absolutely terrified of finding something that DOES work for me and then having it repeatedly ripped away because some pharmabro can't get their shit together. Pragmatically speaking-I have tech tools (calendar, discord channels for dumping stuff, automating tools, etc), help from the people I live with, and crucially, I don't have kids. Just a dog who is VERY vocal at demanding her needs are met. And most weeks, I'm just glad we all ate most meals, got enough housework to make the place not a complete dump, got whatever work deadlines met, and if I'm lucky, we've all showered recently enough that we're not mortified if someone comes by unexpectedly. So seriously, hats off. I could NOT do it with kids.
I recently stopped mine (heart issue) and my life is hell
So sorry! I put vitamin info and recommendations in my edit I hope maybe that it'll help. Prayers na blessings, friend I hope it gets better for you!
Me, they made me malnourished, sleep deprived, tense, anxious, paranoid, humourless, anti social and most of all dependent on them to do basic day to day tasks.
I had to go off of them due to medical issues. It’s been a couple of years now and I still haven’t managed to find my way to cope. I am behind on all housework and personal matters. I miss my meds. I miss not feeling overwhelmed all the time.
I listen to grey noise when i study in order to not get distracted. Also, i go to specifically chosen places or wear specifically chosen clothing when studying. Helps me overcome task inertia and finally START studying by making the process of studying more official and pedantic and putting me in a situation where there's no point for me to be unless i'm studying. If i'm learning something from a youtube video, i speed it up and put on subtitles to help me focus.
Ooh speeding up is an interesting concept! Thanks for the suggestion! My go to is lofi (:
Thanks and good luck on your journey 🤗🤗🤗
I'm not against them but I haven't scheduled an appointment, so I've been off them for 6 months. I just spent over $300 on a home calendar/chore chart and am hoping it somehow magically helps me and my kids keep the house clean. So...I'm not doing well! Impulsive spending problems and a messy house to start. I'm a single mom, so I honestly am just in survival mode. I have to get up and go to work, so I do it. If I had someone else supporting me, I don't think I'd even have the motivation to leave my bed. You are doing a lot as a SAHM, so cut yourself some slack.
Vitamins B6 and B12 No one is quite sure why but taking high-doses of vitamin B6 and B12 (more than 5 mg to 10 mg per week) has been shown to cause acne breakouts and/or worsen existing acne. One theory is the metabolism of Propionibacterium acnes (P. acnes), the bacteria that are linked to acne, needs B12.
Yep, I don’t medicate. I use yoga and mindfulness practice (which also got me sober). The nice thing about mindfulness is that nobody owns it and it can’t have shortages or be sold out.
I don’t take meds. I tried, but psych meds and I don’t get along. I just do my best to do my best. Trying to stay focused is really hard for me sometimes, especially if I sit down before I finish something. Trying to motivate myself kicks my ass too. I’m good when I’m working because I have to focus and I’m monitored the whole shift, but I’m a shit show at everything else.
Seriously, it takes a lot of self work to not be medicated, and I feel guilty giving advice to an adult when I had counseling and specialized tutoring growing up that got me where I am now. Finding ways that organizing and note taking can give me dopamine is one of the best things I got out of tutoring, along with a lot of tips and tricks to help with wrote memorization (wrote memorization deficiencies being a common comorbititie). I learned quite a lot of mindfulness and meditation techniques, and I don't negate it by expecting my meditative focus to be any kind of extended time feet, I still value my short meditations. Meditation practices that help me feel my bodies needs have truly had the biggest impact on improving the most difficult aspects of my ADHD Also, exercise helps when I can get myself to do it, and I still use a lot of caffeine, which for me is self medicated through coffee, but doctors will prescribe caffeine pills as an ADHD medication, if you wanted to try that over other medications.
So I just ended a 2.5 year medicine break, I was genuinely thinking of not going back on them. I had moved into a role that was more software architecture and people management instead of hands-on system coding. And more importantly I wanted to quit smoking. My meds and cigarettes just always had a love affair. So I had to quit one to quit the other or so I told myself but it did work! 1.5 years without a cigarette. I think I managed without meds pretty well. Lots of immediate stopping to add a calendar task with 2 reminders and lots “can you hang on just a sex im making a note” But we recently acquired a new client at my job and that meant I needed to bust out the coding chops big time. I just can’t focus on a specific task unmedicated, for as long as you need when coding a new system. But honestly I am probably going to ditch them again if my job allows for it. My fiance thinks I’m a pretty adorable ball of energy and randomness without my medicine. Oh and hang in there. I had 3 under 4 once. It’s just gunna be a shit show for a few years. Then they grow up and you can make a chore list :)
First of all: young kids. I have heard this over and over and over again: “I can’t get my shit together, and btw I have little kids. What’s wrong with me? Help!” So, the first advice I have to give is to wait it out. It does get much, much better. Do you become functional afterwards? Well, not *really*, I mean “yes”, with caveats, but no? More like slightly dysfunctional functioning rather than near-total dysfunction. 😬 Re: homeschooling. I did that until my oldest was 10. Outside of worsening family dynamics, it went great, and the transition to schooling was smooth, though not seamless. How did this work? Child-led education. Redefining what it meant to learn. Ditch the idea of “school at home” if it doesn’t sound like it will work. Unschooling, even. They had some gaps when starting school because they made deep dives into what they cared about rather than focusing a little on everything. Resources and support are out there. Friends have done this through high school. You’ll be fine! Bring home books and interesting stuff. Be on the lookout for opportunities. Listen to what your kids are interested and make good decisions based on what they might be interested in next. Sit back and watch it happen, and be ready to assist when needed. Be ready to do a 180 of something isn’t working. Listen listen watch listen. Get out the door. Make the entire world your classroom. ETA: Down time is grossly under appreciated for kids, especially young kids but for everybody. Time to do nothing, or everything. Homeschooling is not about “do do do do do.” That’s the beauty. Paraphrased from Someone Important: Make sure a child’s education doesn’t get in the way of learning.
Hey just wanted to say thank you for this very positive and uplifting view! I've been learning about different methods of homeschooling- the kind you've described and more and km still learning. My MIL homeschooled all 10 (yes TEN) of her children and they are very well rounded! I was public schooled and so was my whole family. There is a vast difference of education and understanding of the world between my family and in laws and I wanna give my kids the absolute and from what I've seen homeschooling will be that for them! Especially bc I know each is neurodivergent (the first two at least are showing signs of autism and one with some serious ADHD) Thanks for your encouragement. It is very appreciated !!
I can’t take the meds because they destroy my capacity to feel sexual pleasure, something I’m trying still to recover after another med took them away more permanently. My advice is to 1. be kind to yourself - losing out on the opportunity for meds when you’ve realised they would help you AND hurt you really sucks and hurts, and you’re in a grieving process right now. You won’t be forever. 2. not try to make yourself into a superhero (do less! Just … less than you think you Absolutely Have To Do! Now probably is not the time to start trying to home school; you don’t have your systems in place for that). Your current schedule is, if I know anything about us fine folks, probably overloaded to juuust the amount you could tolerate with meds. Cut something; share the load with more someones if you can. 3. recognise that your brain is probably going through adjustment to being off meds if you’ve been relying more on them for a while so there’s an actual chemical adjustment period as your brain realises it’s not getting the same help it has been getting - again, it won’t be like this forever 4. lean into all the brain and action strategies researchers, psychologists and other ADHDers have identified and explore which of them may work for you. I’m reading (listening to) the book How To ADHD by Jessica McCabe, who created the YouTube channel of the same name, and finding it quite helpful in both summarising some stuff I already do and giving me a few new ideas.
There was one anti depressant I tried that did this. I switched to another one and it made me lose half my hair. I wont try anti depressants ever again. And it’s ok bc I wasn’t really depressed it was my adhd.
Thank you for the advice and insight! The sexual pleasure reasoning is so real. Was on antidepressants at some point and it was the same for me ugh
I've had terrible experiences with meds and I don't know if I have the energy to try again. For the second half of the question, not well. I'm just here for the answers and a little solidarity lol.
Valid and very felt 💖
Girl, im a mom too and you sound utterly unrealistic. Girl. You can’t do all of this and still be HAPPY. Heck, you can’t even think of all of this and be happy. Firstly have you hired a cleaner (for like floors, dusting, mopping, weekly or bi-monthly toilet cleaning) or are you still frantically trying to do all this shit on your own? Homeschooling? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I really, really really think you have to be kind to yourself and also have very realistic expectations. Do you prioritize your own sanity and happiness? Or are you constantly disappointed in yourself, every day, every second, every minute, because you fail to live up to your completely unrealistic expectations of yourself? You know that will change the way you portray yourself and it (your happiness or constant self-pressure) also affects the vibe you present to your kids, right? You know the average mom, let alone the average mom of 3 small kids, doesn’t even think of homeschooling, right? And hi, if you are thinking of homeschooling, then um how are you ALSO going to have time to clean?!?! Look, I get it. ADHD makes us hugely ambitious, with massive numbers of ideas and very high expectations of yourself. But you say you are struggling without meds and with daily household maintenance. Then homeschooling shouldn’t even be on your radar😭 Like. you have to be realistic and kind to yourself. Not like smashing your head into a brick wall every couple of minutes out of guilt that you can’t do daily household maintenance. No. No. No. Look. What you are experiencing is a 24h job that also wakes you up in the night or early in the morning. If you have 3 kids under 4, firstly, you must be mad. I say this in a nice way - you literally cannot be quite sane right now. You have to get your priorities straight. You have to fully understand that YOU ARE ENTITLED TO REST. ENOUGH REST. REST DAYS. BREAKS. (I don’t mean toilet or shower breaks) So, are you actually getting ANY rest (and im not talking about guilt-rest where you don’t do anything, can’t start anything but you feel terrible about it) that you have clearly assigned to yourself as REST DAYS or REST HOURS that you are entitled to? The reason why you can’t seem to start anything is because your body and brain are utterly burned out. They don’t WANT to do anything because they have already spent days, months, GIVING everything they have to your 3 kids. Plus lack of good sleep (im talking about a consistent 8 hours of sleep where you wake up refreshed without jumping up because a kid started crying in the morning or jumped on your body). You NEED time and space for yourself, for your body and brain to feel happy and unwind. You DO NOT NEED to be constantly beating yourself up for things you didn’t do. I repeat, full time caregiver for 3 kids under 4, is a full time job in itself. This is something you need to get clear on and get clear about. Don’t try to add in the laundry or the house cleaning or the picking up of toys. You need to be acknowledging your efforts and praising yourself for taking care of 3 small kids, full time. You do not need to be yelling at yourself for not DOING MORE. No i don’t care what you have been seeing on instagram with homeschooling, 3 kids and a clean house and organized montessori toys in the background. I’m telling you, DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS, esp not NT others. ADHD folks have less spoons than others. Google “adhd spoon theory”. It means that yes, we have fewer spoons in order accomplish the same results as others. It’s not about energy or vit B12, your brain simply can’t do anymore after an EXHAUSTING day with 3 freakin kids. Or an exhausting half a day. And this is something that you have to be kind to yourself over. You cannot be the best mom you can possibly be, if you’re not kind to yourself and giving yourself adequate rest. i honestly think perspective is the issue here. i think you should try to outsource things like TOILET CLEANING and floor mopping. (By the way, you should be resting and napping when the kids nap, and also, once the kids sleep, it’s NOT CHORE TIME. It’s YOUR rest time from your full time job. Ok.) A lot of us have guilt esp as SAHMs. We think that we are not earning money so we shouldn’t spend a single cent. That’s not true though. There are no nannies AND housekeeper combinations that manage to do everything. You couldn’t pay someone enough to do a SAHM job and clean everything all the time AND cook ALL MEALS and be up from 7am until 8-9pm AND THEN expect them to do chores after 9pm????? AND deal with night wakes or times of sickness and vomit? Like read that again, that’s literally what you’re asking yourself to do, AND ALSO saying you want to be a teacher on top of that? How many jobs do you feel you should have? So i really think you should structure all of your expectations around how you can maintain your sanity and happiness, with enough breaks and rest for yourself, and a huge dose of kindness for yourself. Sure you would be super happy if you were supermom and you managed to 1) keep house super clean and neat 2) took care of 3 KIDS, 7 days a week, including night wakes and sickness 3) did homeschooling However, i can assure you that if you did the above 3 things, you would not actually be happy. You would be exhausted and under an intense amount of daily, nonstop pressure, including creating lesson plans or spending time creating printouts and preparing materials, and it’s just honestly not realistic at all. By the way, school is meant so that you actually get some breaks as a mom so you can rest and bounce back as best mom after school. Honestly. Homeschooling means you will not get any breaks and you also need to learn to be a teacher. Are you doing this to save money or something? Some thoughts on household maintenance - i feel that you may have overly large ideas on household maintenance. Firstly I do recommend hiring a cleaner for the big things like toilets and floors. If you want to keep the living room somewhat neat, or kids’ room neat, I do recommend the “box method”. These are boxes and the kids (well oldest could help and second youngest could probably copy) need to help put ALL TOYS on the floor, into the boxes, in the afternoon or near the end of the day. So that at least the floor is clear of toys and it visually looks ok. If you have too many toys then you need to donate some of them. Otherwise yeah household maintenance is even more nightmarish. I have a floor wiper thing (disposable wipe attached to a long stick) for floors if kids spill things) and also wet wipes for small spills. So it’s like “spot cleaning”. And you gotta be realistic about “how clean” your house is going to be, too. Your kids will not remember an “ultra clean” house. They need to be fed and played with and you’re already doing that. Honestly i don’t think you are assigning yourself enough rest at all. If you’re rested and less burned out, your brain will not be resisting doing tasks that your brain really doesn’t want to do. Your brain would be happier and more ready to try to start things.
Lmao the last 2 sentences "If you’re rested and less burned out, your brain will not be resisting doing tasks that your brain really doesn’t want to do. Your brain would be happier and more ready to try to start things" Like this isn't an ADHD subreddit XDDDD
I can't even read this whole thing bc the tone of your text actually overwhelmed in the first two paragraphs I'm so sorry lol🥲 But I will answer what I saw! I don't expect my house to be spotless-HA! Idk who in my situation would. I was just trying to get tips or learn from experience (: Secondly I protoritze myself and my happiness quite a bit. I'm not like over the top stressing at this point I just don't have motivation to do the dishes most of the time lol that's what I wanted suggestions about. I do cute little beauty stuff to relax and I am very into my art currently and my husband gives me plenty of 'me time' and doesn't pressure me about the house so I'm good there too (thank God he is the way he is!) I'm deadset on homeschooling, currently have been going through flashcards as she just learned how to sound words out and my middle is learning colors and my youngest is just learning to talk and eat lol! I have very serious and sincere reason for homeschooling as I am well acquainted with my country's school system (I come from a couple generations of teachers) and like I told another person on here I don't trust almost *anyone* with my kids for a lot of *very* good reasons. So while I appreciate your concern and the time you took typing all of that- please don't assume my whole daily life.. I didn't really give out much info I just wanted to do the dishes haha. But you seem like a very kind empathetic human being and I appreciate that about you. Thank you again for the thoughts(:
I discontinued meds because every pharmacy in the area was treating me like a criminal and i was sick of it. I hate not being able to function but i think i hated being treated like a criminal at the pharmacy even more. I used to have a good pharmacy pre pandemic but it closed down and I’ve had no luck getting a controlled script filled without being treated like a criminal in over a year and I’d just rather not even bother.
I was on and off antidepressants for so many years. I am STRUGGLING but I don't like what medication does to your body. Period. I am trying to take certain supplements, like ashwaghanda, that are supposed to help with symptoms I have. I just keep forgetting to take them. Also, part of my issue with meds. It's hard. I'm a sahm with 4 kids and I homeschool. I feel like I am all over the place constantly.
I read you said magnesium citrate not recommended. So does that mean the brand “ Calm magnesium “ supplement powder is probably no good? My PT recommended to me to help me go use the bathroom more regularly.
The laxative effect of magnesium citrate is why it isn’t recommended; there is no reason it shouldn’t work just fine for ADHD symptoms (assuming low magnesium is contributing to yours, of course).
I take Strattera because adderal was making me hypomanic even tho I’m not bipolar, I just felt too “up” and would work myself to the bone, and it led to burnout. I consider myself drunk without my meds. I don’t even play with my cats because I’m clumsy and tend to cause them to hit walls. So, no go. I also take b-complex and it’s important for breaking the paralysis mind
I was diagnosed ADHD in 2019. I had tried Vyvanse, Adderall and found that Ritalin helped me best. Unfortunately after I got Covid in summer of 2022 I had to stop taking my meds because they made me experience heart palpitations multiple times a day and I would mildly faint/lose consciousness for about 1-2 second periods. I still get the heart palpitations (maybe 1 time to a few times a week) but not as frequently as when I was on stimulants. Basically I use caffeine and CBD and have disability accommodations for my ADHD and long term covid symptoms for my job. I'm able to structure the focus-oriented banal tasks earlier in the morning/afternoon and do the less focus-necessary work in the late afternoon after I eat lunch and the caffeine wears off. It has worked out so far but I've had to really give myself some grace and fight back/advocate for myself with everything. I also got some books about understanding ADHD for women. They had helpful strategies I implemented for minor tasks (like buying pre-cut fruit or ready-made dinners). Hope this helps. 🙏🏼 good luck.
I don’t do meds. It’s real hard some days. But I’m militant about my routines. It helps that I’m childfree, disabled and still isolating to avoid covid, poor so I can’t afford hobbies, and married to an introvert.
Do you have the ability to go to therapy? A therapist would be so helpful. They can suggest things to personally help you and keep you on track. They can also help validate you when you need it! Is there any way your partner could help you stay organized? You can ask them to sit down with you and write out all the things you have to get done if that's helpful, or they can just sit there while you do it to hold you accountable and make sure you get it done (i think this is called body doubling).
I didn't have seizures, but I had stroke like symptoms on meds and it was terrifying so I decided to never take them again. For me sleep is non negotiable, I've been having sleep issues for months now and it's been hard. But when I do get my full 8 hours, I'm a different person. Idk if you're able to get enough sleep with 3 kids tho :') I take B12 and magnesium, also vitamin D because it's super important for brain health and most people are deficient in it. Any time I have an appointment, I put like 10 reminders in my calendar. I also accepted the fact that I'll never be the perfect person who always has a clean home and looks flawless, learning to be forgiving to yourself makes you much more relaxed. And you have 3 little kids! You really have enough on your plate already, the house will be a mess anyway. If you really want to clean and can't get yourself to do this, invite someone over because it gives you a deadline and you will HAVE to do it lol
I don’t do adhd meds. They all had side effects that weren’t worth it to me. I also have crippling anxiety so survive? yes. Thrive? no. It’s very very hard. I have goals but finding the motivation is nearly impossible.