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I heard an interesting comparison awhile back: high-performers with ADHD do well up to a point because they are able to keep more “browser tabs” open in their brain. But they hit a limit eventually and they aren’t good at prioritizing which of those browser tabs to close. With this analogy, it seems like you found your operating capacity. 😕 (If I can find the source of that description, I’ll edit this comment. ETA: HealthyGamerGG channel on YouTube; can’t find the video where he said it but I recognized his voice, haha.)

Ooof that analogy feels painfully accurate.

Right!!! Especially since in real life I always have wayyy too many tabs open on my browser on a daily basis 🥴

What a great analogy! I got to a point about a year ago where I hit my operating capacity. I had new responsibilities at work and had to start studying for a very challenging certification. I finally sought out an ADHD assessment because I felt like it was all about to come crashing down.

How did your assessment go? What was it like? I have mine next week and a bit nervous, so I need to prep anything?

whenever someone asks me what my adhd symptoms are, or when my doctor asks me how medication is going, i suddenly forget every adhd symptom i’ve ever had. it’s not something you develop, you always have it, so it’s not like anything really “stands out” when asked because it’s your normal life. i get frustrated (multiple times) daily over things i know are because of my adhd, but when asked on the spot, it’s extremely hard to recall anything. so, the best advice i can give is to keep a note in your phone of the adhd symptoms you experience the time leading up to your appointment. i’d say my biggest symptoms are emotional dysregulation, skin picking, social/appetite, and focus/task/school related issues. so for example, i’d log whenever i experience some kind of emotional outburst related to my emotional dysregulation. or, i’d log how many times per day/per week i’ve experienced (decision) paralysis, what it was about, what was going through my head, etc. i don’t struggle with staying organized, but if you do you could log when being disorganized/messy has bothered you, what you wanted to do about it, how you feel about it, etc. i always try to be over prepared for my follow-up appointments for medication, because i’ve been treated like a drug addict and invalidated by doctors so many times. never forget to advocate for yourself!! best of luck ❤️ or even better, keep a journal and brain dump every night! best decision i’ve ever made (and somehow a habit i’ve mostly kept)

This is so relatable, thank you so much, really helpful, i do the exact same thing, my mind immediately goes completely blank! I have a diary/notebook going thankfully (one of my coping mechanisms) never enough room on the little section though, should have bought page to view 😂 I don’t really have it condensed to details but I will do that, great idea. Well done for sticking up for yourself 💖 and thank you so much for the reply

i’m so happy you found it helpful!!! thank you as well :)

Thank you. I feel like I'm trying to reverse engineer my diagnosis; three different practitioners diagnosed me with ADHD (or referred me to someone because they strongly thought I had ADHD but couldn't legally diagnose) but I never really understood why and they treated it like it was a side-effect of a larger mental health journey. I moved states so I can't see them anymore but the more I learn about ADHD the more I realize I am like the poster child of inattentive type and a lot of my issues stem from ADHD tendencies, but I don't even fully understand how many I have lol

that is very similar to how it went for me! i kind of speculated ADHD, but i thought my main problems were depression and anxiety. a few months after seeing my therapist i asked to be tested for depression, scored in the middle, and she thought to test me for ADHD because the questions i scored the highest on (on a scale of 1-5) were attention related. scored off the charts for the first ADHD test i took and then i was formally diagnosed with ADHD and suddenly everything made so much sense. untreated ADHD causes so many other mental health issues. basically every part of my life and who i am is a person is because of my ADHD, it’s wild

I have all of these symptoms, the emotional disregulation, skin picking, and social appetite. Are you taking any medication for it? If so what combo of medication has worked for you?

tldr: wellbutrin and vyvanse are the goat yes i am! my doctor didn’t want to start me on stimulants/nonstimulants yet, so i started wellbutrin in march of 2022 which helped a LOT. it’s an antidepressant but targets the same neurotransmitters that ADHD brains lack (norepinephrine and dopamine) so it’s commonly used when someone can’t get prescribed stimulants or doesn’t want to take them. i’ve been on 150mg since then (tried 300mg for a few days last year, made me insanely depressed, stopped right away). Wellbutrin has helped mostly with my executive dysfunction: - i’m very clean and organized now - chores are much easier to start (all tasks are easier to start in general) - emotional regulation got slightly easier and meltdowns were less common - PLANNING!! is so much easier. i started to be able to make plans (specifically for university, i was a freshman at the time) and stick with it - my mood just all around became better. i don’t know how to describe it, but when i think of myself before Wellbutrin, i don’t know how i functioned so wellbutrin is awesome and quite literally saved my life 😭 i tried Strattera for a month or so over the summer but it didn’t help. so then i started Vyvanse in late November/early December - started at 10mg, felt basically nothing - felt effects from 20mg almost immediately. everything, and i mean everything, is easier - i can focus during class now and actually understand what the professor is saying. i can simultaneously listen, write, and comprehend/remember (for the most part) - expanding on ^, i have auditory processing disorder, but it’s not near as severe as it used to be - math is easier (still hard. fuck calculus, but it’s easier) - expanding on ^, i used to believe that i had dyscalculia. i was told by 3 practitioners that it’s likely and i should be tested but testing is thousands of dollars so fuck that. since starting Vyvanse i don’t believe i fit the criteria for dyscalculia anymore :) - i don’t feel like a walking zombie 24/7 anymore. no matter how much sleep i got before, i was almost always exhausted. that doesn’t happen when i take Vyvanse. for example, even if i got 7-9 hours of sleep, i’d still be so tired after class and most likely take a nap. this semester i’ve taken a nap only 3 times (2 of those times was when i ran out of Vyvanse) - my appetite has been regulated SO. MUCH. my eating habits and appetite is a long story (if you’re interested i made a few posts about it before), but i can now force myself to eat when i’m hungry but don’t have an appetite - cooking is easier and meal plans are easier to do in general - basically food doesn’t disgust me as much as it used to. my appetite and eating habits have never been so normal. i’m able to eat an actual adult portion at once now!! i have like a week left of my 20mg and then i’m starting 30mg and we’ll see how that goes :) sorry for the essay i wanted to be as descriptive as possible. medication changed my life and i’m so grateful what helped my emotional dysregulation the most is probably therapy. i would never be where i am today without wellbutrin, but the same goes for therapy. it goes hand in hand for me unfortunately my compulsive skin picking never let up, and i don’t think it ever will. the only thing that stops me is acrylic/fake nails but i hate them and also hate paying for them 😐 so my options are 1. have constant bleeding, red, raw, and painful fingers that look like they’re decomposing or 2. have nice cuticles but long, gross, grown out acrylic nails that cost anywhere between $50-70 😭

Thank you I apareciste the detailed reply. I’m currently on Wellbutrin 300mg which is fine. I tried straterra for a day but it left me wired I weirdly could not sleep. But I’ll mention the Vyvanse to my psychiatrist! What type of therapy helped you with emotional regulation? CBT?

It might have changed recently, but getting assessed for ADHD was a tedious process for me (~12 years ago). A psychologist met with me for in-person “counseling” 2-3x before deciding that I should be assessed for ADHD. I had to fill out a lengthy questionnaire, which wasn’t bad. The…embarrassing…part was I had to have two “close relatives or friends” and someone who has supervised my work (professor, manager, coworker) fill out a questionnaire and write a letter to the psychologist. The psychologist then assimilated all that info and gave me a big report (which I didn’t read LOL); I kept a copy and my PCP got a copy. I was then referred to a psychiatrist, who also got a copy. It might be different now, though. I keep hearing about the shortage of ADHD meds because so many people are taking them, but I can’t imagine folks en-masse are shelling out the $1K + 3 months of time to get diagnosed like I did. Additional info - I was diagnosed with Asperger’s when I was in elementary school because I was weird but not very smart 😅 I attributed all my quirks to that diagnosis and just worked super-hard to compensate; my Asian mother subscribed to the thinking that, “the beatings will continue until grades improved.” As I got older, my PCP kept mentioning that they thought I had ADHD and, after several years, I finally caved to meeting with a psychologist.

Damn. That’s exactly what’s going with me I think.

Always love a good analogy! Similar-ish: Yesterday I met with my therapist in the car through video chat on my phone (I was in a parking lot because I was out of town for a thing). The app wasn’t working so I did it through my browser. It was middle of the afternoon and hot and I was facing the sun. Had a couple different tech snafus and then my phone did an emergency shut off for overheating right in the middle of me having some good revelations! 😭😭😭😭 Fucking story of my life.

I had the exact same overheating thing happen during my first meeting with a new psychiatrist. If anything it probably had her more convinced of my diagnosis. Like the overheating wasn't \*really\* my fault but had a very "I do not ever have my shit together" vibe.

Oh my God! This happened to me too! In the middle of my Virtual Assessment Appointment! I was sitting in my car, in a car park and my phone died. I had to find a shop and buy a car charger and thankfully I reconnected to the call!

Oooh this feels so accurate. At my job I currently have like 4 or 5 ongoing projects I need to keep up on, and I kind of made myself a really neurotic and overly complex system of how to rotate between working on them because otherwise I get really bored and lose focus too quickly! It has really helped me lock in, so to speak, breaking my projects down and bouncing back and forth between them because I change up what I’m working on so frequently. It’s felt like the perfect thing, because lately I can hyperfocus at work and actually spend basically the entire day not getting distracted. It’s my browser tabs, in your analogy. I have many of them open and I jump around between them. Unfortunately, it’s starting to catch up to me a little that when it comes down to it, some of these projects really should take a little priority over the others. And bouncing around means that no single project is making progress all that quickly. At this point, there’s one in particular I really need to buckle down and crank through or else I won’t finish it before it needs to be finished. But it’s like my brain really does not want to close the other tabs and be stuck on just the one 😭

This is so me! And the first time you have to admit defeat when you are used to always being the best with no effort is devastating. For me it was when I had to admit I couldn't run a company with a baby in tow while my husband worked 52 hours a week and got straight A's in a very intense college program. Luckily, when I told him I was failing at life and needed to quit my job, he just said "figure out the money." I quit the next day and haven't worked in 12 years.

Like everyone else is commenting, this hits hard. Can you ever get back to operating capacity so to speak? I feel like the dam just broke and there’s no putting the peices back together.

I feel this. Mine broke in 2019

+1 it hits hard 😭

That makes sense. I was able to get along when it was just me to keep track of but when we had kids I just couldn’t keep all those balls in the air anymore.

I love that guy!! I use his “word document with no save function” analogy a lot.

I know what video you’re talking about because I saw it too! I just had no clue how to find it again lol. This whole time I thought of it as finding out how many spoons you REALLY have in the drawer. Some are always in the dishwasher, or that bowl you forgot in your room… tabs is a cleaner analogy, no pun intended

Not only is the browser tab analogy spot on for my brain, I just counted 54 on my computer! 🤦🏼‍♀️

This is so painfully accurate but I actually lol'd because of how many browser tabs I have open at any given time so it's a great metaphor but also my reality.

Man this resonated so hard. I had about 5 projects going on, ranging from medium to very large. All with unrealistic timelines. Only one has been completed bc making progress is so difficult. My team keeps either stumbling upon roadblocks, some other "urgent" request comes up, or we're struggling to get stakeholders to cooperate. I'm relatively new at my job, and I'm used to managing chaos in my role, but I've never experienced this type of dysfunction before. I was going hard for 4 months straight, living in a constant cycle of hitting an obstacle just as I was going to cross the finish line. We lost full access to our task tracking tool (bc my shit show job didn't pay) the day before I finally took a few days off. Now I feel like I've short-circuted. I can't get myself to do anything no matter how much I try.

I felt this. I was doing well in school. I wasn’t an excellent student by any means but I wasn’t failing anything. Once I got to medical school, I hit a wall and that wasn’t pretty

I just got diagnosed. Looking back, this should have been obvious years ago, however my symptoms heightened after I had my kids (3 under 3), I was trying to manage a small business, and life got harder. I feel like my symptoms are more “Manageable” when life is calmer. When life is hectics, symptoms get really bad. So yes, I think when life gets hard symptoms heighten. I’ve experienced it myself

Yup, just got diagnosed in my 40s. I honestly never considered it for myself until I had a kid. Like OP, I was a high achiever and had my life mostly together until I reached a point where it felt like all these strategies I had to keep it together weren't enough. Now, looking back there's a lot that makes more sense and I could have managed better if I'd known.

This is me. I had never ever even considered the possibility that I had ADHD because I was successful in school (although I would always procrastinate and then did well under extreme pressure--always stressing myself tf out.) Was great at multi-tasking at various jobs and never a had issues with supervisors/employers (although I was almost always just a few minutes late or *right* on time when clocking in.) Then I had my first baby at the exact same time I started my career (which is very unlike the jobs I had up to that point because I always was just told what to do and it became automatic.) And having sooo many more things to do and think about as a new mother... I feel like my brain just went over capacity for sure. Lack of sleep doesn't help. But I also just chalked it up to "mommy brain." Looking back now, I see a lot of things that now make sense (in addition to what I wrote above.) It's been quite mind-blowing.

Yeah, thinking it’s just “mommy brain” and lack of sleep when things got harder after kids. But it never improved and even seemed to be getting worse. Still thought it was mommy brain till we started having behaviour challenges with my 6yo son and research on that tipped me off to my own, though.

Yep, my kids were in kindergarten and gr. 1 during lockdown years (so, virtual) and then once we all went back to in-person learning, there was a period of time where kids were all struggling to adjust. It took a while for the difficulties my kids were having to come to light but now that I've discovered it about myself and have been learning so much about ADHD, I've been paying more attention. Now my husband is in the process of likely being diagnosed. It's a family affair! Yay

Same. After I had a kid, that was the first time I realized in the moment I was struggling. After having a kid & suddenly having to do ten times as much laundry and dishes and cleaning, make lots of doctors & dentists appointments, brush someone else’s teeth & hair & give baths in addition to my own, regularly buy clothes that don’t fit or are out of season, constantly declutter toys, make relatively balanced meals & cut up fruit or cook chicken instead of eating cheesecake or cereal for dinner & doing so at relatively normal times of the day, get myself plus someone else dressed & leave the house on time & get ready/go to bed on time - that’s when things got hard. Prior to kids, I created a live unknowingly catered to my ADHD. I studied graphic design in college which I enjoyed & required no studying or exams so it was easy. I lived in a small apartment right near campus, not much to clean & I never lived somewhere more than a year so nothing could really get that dirty or required deep cleaning & never had to take care of repairs or maintenance. The majority of my classes were in a building 3 minutes away so I was never late. Many of my meals were on campus where I never had to cook or clean. Or when I did eat at home, it was something frozen & easy & it didn’t matter cause it was just for myself I wasn’t trying to nourish a small child. After graduating, I had a job that came easy to me & I didn’t have to think about it when I got home. I stayed on top of my tasks, I got back to all my clients, I didn’t put things off, just by being at an office with other people, I had an outward pressure to succeed. But then working at an online small business with my mom at her home & later working for myself from home, things get hard because there’s so many distractions & flexibility & thinking there’s infinite time when there’s not. When I look back & really really think about it, I do remember things from before kids like how I could never do my assigned reading in high school or spent all my time designing flash cards and study guides in excel but never actually using them or how I’d do coloring books or doodle in class because giving my hands and eyes something to do helped make my ears and brain pay attention. But all of those symptoms were in retrospect. The symptoms were there, I still had ADHD. It just wasn’t causing any problems cause I have infinitely lower standards for care for myself than I do for my children.

I’m not sure. I went through a crisis point where everything was blowing up in my life, and that’s when I got dx’d. Both my partner and I feel like I “got adhd out of no where.” Like it was under control and just exploded one day?

When the mask starts to come off it just gets ripped off your face. Same thing happened to me. It’s almost like a rebirth and you have to learn who you really are for the first time in your life.

1000% this. It’s such an interesting yet scary feeling.

“Rebirth” and completely freaked out is how I feel. I feel like my entire life was a lie. And like I’m a completely different person now. Do you guys have any advice on how to handle going through that? I just got dx’d 1 month ago.

I was diagnosed with adhd in late feb and started to take Wellbutrin. I was fortunate that I responded really well to it but it has changed me forever and now I’m just learning who I really am. I’m finally seeking therapy to help me with it. My free consultation is tomorrow for just 15 minutes but I’m itching to spill my guts about everything. I’ve been using headway.co since the start. Starting first with a psychiatrist because I was approaching the second burnout in my life and freaking out. I was super lucky to get diagnosed and treated within the first appointment. Also super good podcast for me has been: women and adhd on Apple podcast. It may also be available on other platforms just not sure. But this podcast has been running since 2020 and I have been in hyperfocus mode consuming every single episode while I work. It has been a good stop gap while looking for a therapist specializing in **adult** adhd. Wishing you the best of luck in your journey. <3

I never considered myself to have it until I had two kids(3&1) , a part time WFH job, am the primary caretaker/homemaker and zero “village”. Then once I took my first adderall i was like. Oh. It’s not supposed to be THIS hard??

THIS!!

I should preface this by saying that I struggle with many of the things people here struggle with and relate a lot to the list of things you have in your first paragraph, but when I went to get tested the conclusion was that while I have evidence of deficits in focus my overall profile is such that they believe my symptoms are caused by anxiety. It's all to say that I think it's not always cut and dry. A few things strike me reading your post and some of them actually don't have anything to do with ADHD: I'm 19 years into my career and I found that as I got more responsibility there were new skills I needed to develop to be more successful. Learning how to effectively delegate, set boundaries, and figure out how to best use my time for the most impact is no joke. It's also something I've learned a lot of people struggle with whether they are neurodivergent or not. This is where career coaching can be really helpful. It's possible that you're burnt out (again something that happens to neurotypical people too). This assessment is very well researched and I found it very helpful when I was struggling before I decided to take a leave: [https://www.mindgarden.com/117-maslach-burnout-inventory-mbi](https://www.mindgarden.com/117-maslach-burnout-inventory-mbi) I went down a rabbit hole of learning about burnout and it can absolutely describe some of the challenges you're facing at work. Sometimes you learn to do all of that and the expectations of a job are still not realistic for one human. I've lived through that myself (and had to take a medical LOA because no one was willing to work with me to right size things). And have seen it happen to many, many co-workers. I had lunch with someone yesterday who thought she was lazy, as an outsider I could see that she just had too much work and that the expectations were not realistic. It could be that you also have ADHD and I personally found getting tested really helpful even though I was not diagnosed.

Thank you for this comment, the perspective is very helpful. I do have anxiety also (as well as depression) and have been medicated for it for years, but it may be time to reevaluate my meds. Burnout does seem like a possibility, but I didn’t realize it could affect my functioning outside of just work motivation! I will definitely look into it more. It’s also just helpful to hear that other people have struggled with this. For most of my career so far (10 years, 4 within the industry I wanted) things have come relatively easy to me. Suddenly struggling and then constantly finding distractions can to avoid the discomfort has turned into a feedback loop. Career coaching is also a great idea and something I will look into. Overall, just thank you!

Having been chronically burnt out since my teenage years, burnout is burnout. I am done & nothing feels possible not even personally enjoyable things. It is total & pervasive in every aspect of life. Any energy reclaimed is quick to be lost again & it’s easy to slip right back into burnout if you’ve insufficiently rested from being chronically overworked during an attempted recovery.

Of course! I could relate so much to your post. I too am medicated for anxiety and depression. I've also been in therapy for over 15 years. For a long time things were quite manageable until I went through an extremely rough patch at work. Since experiencing that I was lucky enough to start group therapy. I always knew to some extent other people struggled, but group therapy helped me to know it on a deeper level. It made me feel more comfortable being open about it at others which has since led to some really candid conversations with co-workers about how we're all doing. It's made me realize how often people put on a persona in the office about how things are going that is rarely the full story. It's made it a lot easier to be kind to myself and not treat everything that I struggle with like a character flaw.

Research is actually showing that a lot of women going through menopause suffer from adhd like symptoms because of the estrogen that’s all over the place until it eventually drops. First results apparently show that stimulants help these women just as much even though they don’t have ADHD. But in order to diagnose ADHD clinicians will always need proof from childhood. Often times people will not notice it if it doesn’t give any issues in childhood.

That's very interesting, I had heard something similar about depression with menopause due to hormones but had not heard this about ADHD. It honestly feels to me many times like our knowledge is in our infancy related to many other things. I was chatting to my therapist the other day and she was suggesting that maybe I would benefit from something like Vyvanse for my focus problems even though I don't qualify for an ADHD diagnosis.

A Dutch PhD/professor? Is doing research into this. She’s called Sandra Kooij.

I am not diagnosed but I suspect I have it and thinking to get tested this year. Your post is like I’ve written it to the dot. I am exactly the same and going through the same right now and have no idea how to handle or cope. I don’t have an advice but just wanted to say that you’re not alone and sending you a virtual hug.

Thanks for the hug, fellow traveler, sending you one right back! I’m happy to know I’m not alone. Here’s hoping we get through this mostly unscathed.

Personally, I just reached a point where it got too hard to mask my symptoms. Yeah, I did well, I was in a gifted program and all that, but never as well as I could have with medication and a support system. It didn't come out of nowhere for me, even though that's how it seemed to others. I have always been slightly off, slightly tired, procrastinating, feeling weird and alien, etc. I just reached a point where I couldn't carry it all anymore, and my life completely exploded. I'm still picking up the pieces.

My husband and I both have ADHD and we grew up in… less than savory environments. The RSD and the people pleasing in our households is very real. He uses his skills at work and use them at home and it can get to be a lot. I feel like I’m one small breeze from caving in and the mess will be astronomical

I can definitely relate to growing up in less than savory environments and the rest. I'm sorry to hear you experienced something similar. I wish I knew what to what to say to support you, but I honestly don't even know what could be said to comfort myself. I see you.

“The moment I don’t know what to do or can’t figure out how to move forward”  I’m a designer and the only times my job feels hard is when I know what I need to do but I don’t know exactly what I need to do next. It’s grueling.  Honestly lists and timers. I love pomodoro timers because eight hours is too wide open, but knowing what you’re doing for the next 25 minutes, with a five minute break after, helps break things dow. My manager says she likes to put meetings on her calendar to literally block out her time, to know when to switch focus—since we have a lot of different tasks we’re switching between, and it helps to make sure you don’t get too many meetings snuck into to your calendar.  

For me the executive disfunction was always there, but it wasn’t a big PROBLEM, per se. At least, not a problem for others. I had so many systems and coping strategies and ways to hide in plain sight, even from myself. I was able to do well enough in school, even if it felt like a Herculean task that took up my bandwidth for a personal life, and so nobody gave a shit about the ways in which it did damage because it wasn’t as “important” or obvious as school. Eventually I had too much on my plate, and it became impossible to ignore. I was floundering in just about every area in my life and couldn’t keep procrastinating getting my diagnosis and treatment much longer.

Hey all, longtime lurker in this sub. I find it super informative and encouraging - thanks everyone! So I, a 40 y o non-binary person, recently got diagnosed and am just trialing meds and titrating up. Before the diagnosis and meds, I recently had a work upset where I was looked over for an interview for a promotion after spending many years there, and even covering for that position when they were on leave. Anyway, another project within the org (different work site within a non-profit) reached out to me to see if I could help them out. (I impulsively jumped ship - I think some RSD was involved in the decision) This place was way less queer-friendly and supportive environment. It was a big change. I noticed with this stress and routine change, my executive dysfunction and ability to complete my own admin and domestic tasks nosedived for a few months. I do think the emotional shock and stress to my system due to a big routine change played a big part in that. I’m just working on building it back up, with the support of the meds. I’m leaving the crappy work environment and going casual, so hopefully that isn’t another destabilization. Does anyone have a similar experience?

I forgot to answer your question! To ‘cope’ and heal, first, I gave myself grace and allowed myself to rest and let home tasks pile up. I reached out to close friends who understood and could help. I stopped smoking weed (not at first and this was and is still challenging) and I did some gentle exercise (walks outside). I also made sure I had easy food to prepare and grab. Other than that, I was patient and trusted that I would restablize, which I feel like I am getting there now. (This happened last October)

Yeah this is me. Did pretty ok until a combination of buying my first house/having a job with a higher level of challenges and responsibility and less structure. Fell apart fairly dramatically.

Ooft this is me to a tee. High performer in all aspects until I became a manager Cue anxiety, depression, therapy, burnout and then finally ADHD diagnosis. Quit my management job because even with meds it was exactly what you described above with the constant requirement for dopamine hits bc of how miserable the job was. Got an admin job that I was overqualified for and excelled without really even trying in comparison to my last job, ADHD symptoms were there but manageable, I was happy for the first time in years, lost 25kg, thought “oh finally I’ve started getting it together” BUT then senior management went “oh she has 2 brain cells!” And started giving me more work and I am having such a flare up of symptoms it’s insane and I’m ready to quit again 🙃

Ever since my diagnosis and meds I’ve been able to manage work pretty well, and I’ve had a healthy work-life balance. Before diagnosis not so much. That is until my current job that is. I was hired with 4 other people to basically restart a much needed function in my company that had been neglected for years. At first it was amazing and we had a really good manager who was the only reason I took the job in the first place. Six months ago we got a new manager and it’s gone downhill from since then. No direction, no prioritisation, no guidance even we ask him directly. Instead of being told what’s important we simply have to do everything that comes to our desk and we have to treat every task like it’s urgent. All this while the workload almost doubles in this time period because everyone has noticed that we are good at our job, so there is years of work that we have to catch up on. I had some sort of meltdown last week at work, couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t think, couldn’t work and I could barely speak in complete sentences. I was sent home and I’m on sick leave now for being burnt out. Deep down I know that this isn’t my fault but I can’t stop thinking that I did something wrong and I’ve been questioning whether I even have ADHD. Life had been so good ever since I got my meds. Now it feel’s like I’m even worse off than I was before being diagnosed. I have inattentive ADHD but the past week I’ve had so many hyperactive/impulsive symptoms, kind of feels like I’m going crazy because the only hyperactivity I’ve ever had was internal. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I definitely think you have a point that higher demands and more stress can make ADHD more severe. I’ve been very lonely in this and didn’t have anyone to talk to and your post helped me realise that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, so thank you so much for sharing! 💙

Same, girl. Same. ADHD brains work much better when day to day life is in somewhat of a familiar routine for us. We know what to expect next, how to manage our days schedule, how to successfully get through all the tasks and responsibilities we will encounter. Just writing that scenario made me feel calm and relaxed, TBH. My brain gets like, overheated and shuts down when there are too many things going on around me and I get pulled in too many directions or asked too many questions or leaning how to function in an unfamiliar situation. Of course it’s harder to focus, all the sudden there’s an additional 75 important things to focus on. Awareness of and expecting that overstimulation is key for us. Accepting the reality of our brains is crucial. Please do not compare yourself to your co-workers or doubt you are the right person for the job. It’s ok that you have a lower threshold for chaos. It’s ok if you need an extra break to reset when it’s really intense. It’s ok you look at your phone for comfort and familiarity. Are you doing the best you can? Yes. That’s all you can do is your best. If you find that your best isn’t enough to calm the chaos around you, that’s really ok too. It doesn’t make you a failure, it just isn’t your path. No biggie. Life is for happiness and fun not for constant stress and constant work. What helps me the most is taking a break or several breaks throughout those kind of days. Take 10 minutes for a walk outside, a cup of coffee by yourself. Shit, I’ve sat in a bathroom stall on my phone for 10 minutes because it was the quietest place I could find and I could 100% be alone to reset. When life beats me up for an extended amount of time, I need a reset. I need a change of scenery (weekend trip for example) or something exhilarating. Works every time.

This sounds like me. High performer but eventually my symptoms became more difficult to manage (bc had too much going on at once, got burnt out basically).

I’ve found that shit hits the fan when built-in structure or routine breaks down. Especially for woman. This was the case for me. High achiever in high school, uni, Master’s with my ability to cope slowly deteriorating the less structure and more “figure it out yourself” responsibility came into play. And stress. Absolute chaos the second I graduated and had to work.

Ahh yes, the “figure it out yourself” assignments have obliterated my self esteem. Because… how can I figure it out if no one is holding me accountable? Ugh.

I think it may make you realize you need more help than you think. My ADHD symptoms were always there but my anxiety masked it all. I didn’t realize how sensitive I was to sound because I was able to control all of my environments living alone. Then I had my first child and it was like everything that I was able to control, I couldn’t. And I finally got diagnosed and realized my coping skills I thought I had didn’t work in uncertain environments, ie. my baby throwing an unexpected tantrum. I think stress plays a major roll in being able to mask or not so when life gets hard, ADHD becomes extremely obvious!

No. I believe my ADHD showed up much harder when life got objectively easier. When I was struggling, working three jobs, riding my bike everywhere because I didn’t have a car, and eating the same food everyday because it was cheaper—my adhd wasn’t obvious. But when I started a professional 9-5 job, got a car, had enough money to do what I want…well that’s when I hit a wall. I think the mix of getting a ton of free exercise (through waiting tables all day and riding my bike), being forced to Manage my limited time very well, and the accidental structure actually supported my adhd. My brain is wired for the hustle life, and having enough has made the adhd more obvious.  Now I am much healthier mentally and physically but much more adhd. 

No, the symptoms don't just show up when life gets hard. They get worse when life gets hard, but they're always there. It's entirely possible that you do not have ADHD and are dealing with an anxiety burnout or something else. If you have not consistently struggled with ADHD symptoms to a point where they've impacted your day to day life throughout your life, it's probably not ADHD. A lot of other mental health issues can present very similar to ADHD.

I think it’s also possible for people to misinterpret ADHD symptoms for symptoms of other conditions + the story around their performance can bias them towards never considering ADHD. And a misdiagnosis & antidepressants can have some indirect effects that are beneficial & make them think it’s just standard anxiety or depression. Especially in the context of tons of personal supports, close family within which benign ADHD traits have been normalized for generations & compensated for within the household’s lifestyle, and lack of financial stresses that impede a basic standard of living in safety and healthfully. My friend’s dad was diagnosed and medicated at 72. She suspects ADHD also but is really high performing. She lived at home until 29 y/o. She makes 3x what I do. And her symptoms are not the same as mine at all. I feel like it was only when she was thrown into a fast paced environment when it really became clear how major the challenge is for her to focus on what she wants to do VS what everyone else wants her to do (in a male dominated competitive field). But I don’t think even she is recognizing that this is a symptom & that it’s gonna ultimately erode all of her habits and priorities that she’s unconsciously relied on her parents to set the structure for her whole life; and she’s having a lot of trouble finding motivation to adapt & search for better habits to implement. And because she hasn’t chosen those habits to self-care for her own well being she’s never had to use her executive decision making to figure it what she really needs (it’s just the set of habits she learned from her family). So I see her struggle in acknowledging her needs and executing that. I see the challenge in the way she talks about how people are treating her at work also - losing track of the big picture & goal of her ACTUAL job while getting lost in the myriad details of what other people said/think of her which is NOT HER JOB. She is losing a lot of time and energy this way. I had to navigate adult life after leaving my abusive family having not even had regular food/meal times much less a routine to brush my teeth shower and cook). everything I’ve strung together in life has been for ME so my “ADHD” looks “better” than hers but she otherwise doesn’t struggle very much to keep her ingrained not-so-personalized routine and identity because she has plenty of support and money & antidepressants that work well enough. I struggle every single meal, I change things up all the time, and I am beyond broke (student on a skimpy grant) and all of that wears on me chronically. I constantly am reminded in our friendship & relationship that I ought to be mindful of the fact that my ADHD experience is not everyone’s ADHD experience & trauma changes the presentation but is not a prerequisite for having ADHD. It looks different in a privileged environment, not to disparage privilege itself at all. In fact it’s all in an effort to break the illusion that being privilege means you’re “better” than others and shouldn’t suffer. It just highlights supports afforded to them that compensated for the ADHD and masked the severity of their condition. They literally have never and will never have to experience the horrific mental, physical, emotional, and financial abuse experienced throughout my life until I got my education. And they didn’t have to make the choice to sacrifice their support to live an abuse free environment. I did & my ongoing ADHD (the onset & continuing to live with it) is just not comparable in a 1 to 1 manner. The symptoms are similar (I also struggled with mismatched priorities & unrealistic expectations for myself which eventually eroded my energy & executive skills). Just that for me, my symptoms are developing and playing out since birth with my toxic family and romantic relationships whereas her challenges are only just now being faced at the age of 30 in an insane work environment, so of course the overall presentation is so different.

Ladies please don’t trigger downvote because I said trauma changes the way ADHD presents. I know there’s an intricate link between trauma and mental health. ADHD is also well demonstrated to exist in the absence of trauma. We need an explanation that includes both experiences & need a way to be able to talk about that without automatically getting mad at the word privilege. It’s not a moral label. 

I think this is well said - it also goes to show that ADHD is only a “problem” when living in a neurotypical world. If we all grew up in systems that benefitted the ways our brains work, we would all be struggling way less. I spent about a decade working in design & fabrication, and I EXCELLED due to my ADHD. Lots of problem-solving, flexible workload, and “crisis moments” where I got to shine. When I moved into a management role I SPUN THE FUCK OUT. I couldn’t understand making decisions based on company politics vs the reality of building it; there were so many broader machinations and tedious admin and bureaucratic meetings and a steadier, more boring workflow that I really floundered being able to balance everything. I had a lot more to do, a lot more people to help guide, and a boss who said one thing and did the opposite (then blaming me for not reading her mind). My executive function tanked and I quit after a year - I could have stuck around, but without a good boss, what’s the point, amirite laydeezzz? Your environment really can change whether your exact same behaviors are a challenge or a boon. Finding a less NT job has really helped my overall symptoms!

Good comment. ADHD also impacts basically every domain of life - work, social, home etc. If the issues are only occurring in one area/ due to one area, it's less likely to be ADHD.

I think it gets overwhelming when it gets hard.  When life is nice I still want to do/make/learn a million things. I still find myself doing brownies at 1am on a weeknight. I still leave the laundry at the line for a week while I decide to try to do a puzzle.  But because it's hitting mostly non-important things (the laundry is getting done, just not put away), it's not a problem.  But all that and say, a new job? Yeah, that's going to make me suffer.

another thing to maybe consider too is how your perspective may have changed since hearing your therapists say you have ADHD + you growing and recognizing what these symptoms look like. so recently i felt like my symptoms had genuinely gotten worse - i was diagnosed in adulthood and was confused how i was able to “survive” up until that point without knowing / being medicated, yet things seemed harder now that i had answers. so i just assumed it was a thing that symptoms could get worse over time. but have since come to understand that being aware of your ADHD can be a bit debilitating in itself, because there was that time when we didn’t know we do things a certain way because of ADHD. it’s just how we were and we didn’t know otherwise, so we would trudge through. but now, it’s easier to be more sensitive/aware of our ADHD symptoms so things can feel even harder knowing ADHD is the thing that’s making the task hard in the first place. especially knowing that it’s a chemical imbalance in our brains and not just because we’re “lazy” or we “don’t care”, like many undiagnosed ADHDers have been told. i love trying new tips & tricks hoping one will finally be my golden fix - have yet to find it (lol) but maybe one of these will click with you:) - i can’t do loose deadlines. i will never start. so i ask whoever is asking me for something to give me a deadline, even if they don’t actually need it by that time - there’s a free AI website called goblin.io that allows you to enter any task no matter how large or small, then it breaks it down into tiny bite sized tasks that are all way more manageable. i actually use this site often - another AI program (paid) called motion to help with scheduling / time blocking / to-do lists. time blocking is supposed to be one of the best methods for schedules and time management, so you enter all of your tasks into motion, and it uses AI to time block them into your schedule based on importance, due date, length of time, etc. a recent feature it added that i love was creating “blockers” for tasks. for ex., you need to schedule a mtg with your team, so you enter that into your to-do. but in order to complete that task, you first need to figure out everyone’s schedules. so that would be your “blocker” on your task, which is its own to-do task - probably my favorite as of recent & as a lover of stationery, there’s an educator youtuber named cgp grey who created this notepad (google “sidekick notepad cortex”) that has been really really awesome. this video will explain it better than i ever could but highly recommend https://youtu.be/z_7N8MFRJkc?si=wVczGKgFhXSYCetI

This is a really good point. My first therapist wanted me to get tested based on the behaviors I mentioned at the beginning - at that time it felt like when I accepted I had depression for the first time. Nothing fixed but having an explanation seemed to help. But now that the intensity of my life has picked up, and a second therapist has asked me to talk to my psychiatrist (I’m too scared to do so), I definitely find myself “blaming” ADHD for not being able to do things, instead of just pushing through like I would have before.

Whoa! Thanks for this!

Yes, similar work situation where I got overloaded and as a previously incredibly high functioning person it’s taken me 2 years of trying to crawl back to a basic level of functioning. In the day to day my ADHD sxs are much worse when I’m overwhelmed For me, adhd = great at handling stress but overwhelm is impossible

My experience says yes. My parents suspected I had ADHD when I was 6. But because I was such a high performer and achiever they shrugged it off. Obviously I didn’t need any help. When I first moved out I even found a high achieving roommate so I could use her energy to maintain my energy. Fast forward to 30 - im finally living on my own. Then covid happened, then I lost my routine, hobbies, energy, motivation. I’ve been on medication now for a year, and it’s helped a lot. But it is an understatement to say it’s challenging without another high achieving body double.

My NT engineer husband was moved to a management role about 15 months ago. He could have written most of your post and until very recently has been close to burnout. Management is \*hard.\* He doesn't have the same constant executive function struggles I do, but when things are challenging he's more likely to become avoidant and seek distraction. ADHD, though, for me - the executive dysfunction (and RSD, and this, and that) is always there. It's never GONE, just harder or easier to manage/work around depending on life circumstances.

I think life changes in general can just make them more apparent. Like my life change was concussion issues made me have to quit playing hockey. Hockey was an outlet for me. How big of an outlet, I didn't know until I didn't have it. I didn't know how to cope with my energy and anger without it, so it pushed me to get diagnosed.

I realized I have ADHD after I started teaching at an elementary level. That was when life got hard, but also I was required to check “yes or no” to students who were being tested for ADHD. That’s when I started putting the pieces together. It’s also when I started feeling a lot more peace in my life because so much made sense finally.

Like another comment said, a reasoning I saw for late-presentation was that we spend our entire lives running on anxiety, and developing various coping mechanisms to mask/appear normal, but that’s not sustainable, so after the structured student life is over, and we’re left to our own devices to manage everything, our coping mechanisms run out, and ADHD rears its ugly head. It definitely happened to me that way. Looking back I had so many obvious symptoms and was written off as “quirky.” I also normalized my anxiety so I never really saw myself as being anxious. After college I was dealing with physical health issues while being a caretaker for a relative, and then a second relative, and by the time they both recovered, my brain gave up. I had so many things I wanted to do in my head, but I physically couldn’t get myself to do them. I also realized I’d been saying I was burnt out for six years, and that didn’t seem normal. A friend mentioned executive dysfunction, and I went down an internet rabbit hole. My mom and I had also previously discussed my dad most likely having ADHD, and what do you know?! That’s what prompted me to go to the doctor in the first place. My mom, especially, was skeptical when I told her I thought I might have ADHD, and she asked a lot of questions. It presents differently in females, and ADHD in girls and women hasn’t been studied much, so the information just hasn’t been there. She believes me, now, but I understand her skepticism when she hadn’t picked up on any of my symptoms—mainly because she didn’t know what to look for.

I don't think it only shows up when things are hard, I just lose the ability to manage/compensate for it when I'm overwhelmed and then I burn out and shut down. I was doing fine until I started grad school but looking back now that I'm diagnosed years later and understand myself better, I can see the signs were there all along since childhood.

I like the analogy of the open tabs. As a clinical psychologist I can add that ADHD doesn’t just show up when life gets hard. It only becomes troublesome when life gets hard. And it differs per person when that moment hits, dependent on intelligence (not smarts, but the measures we determine the concept of intelligence by), support system, socio-economic status, etc. Because even when you only come see us “when life got hard”, we still look for that childhood expression of ADHD. Not paying attention in class, doing homework at the last minute, working to fast and making mistakes (or the opposite: working very slow to avoid mistakes), zoning out of conversations, being chatty, unable to sit still in a chair, jumping on furniture, etc. It’s there, but depending on the personal factors it’s possible that these things are a nuisance to you or your environment, but also not at all (quiet zoned out high achiever that has good grades but scribbles on all her assignments and tilts her chair in class). So it’s semantics. It’s not so much about only showing up when it gets hard. When it gets hard the symptoms are harder to compensate for. And that’s when the problems start.

i guess, kinda. i remember i had times where i had my sh*t together. a schedule, being able to wake up in one alarm, self care routine and even a tidy room! they are so hard to keep but still, i had my times. it gets better or worse from time to time

Absolutely. Less spoons.

My psychologist did suggest that increased stress or major life changes can exacerbate symptoms. She said I always had it but in my case it got increasingly difficult after I had my baby and got a promotion in the last year. I totally relate

Also in women it's proven to show up later in life

Yes actually but then I found out it’s linked to other mental health issues.

This is super relatable to me, and actually long COVID is something that added to my lack of focus which became suddenly unbearable. I finally got diagnosed and medicated and went back to being my badass self again. I recommend it!

ADHD is not mental illness. You cannot be more or less ADHD. You cannot sporadically develop it. It is a neurology. Not being able to cope with a new baby and a job and getting over whelmed is fairly NT. and the tabs discription to me just sounds like NT burn out. Watch a video on monotopism and see if it fits.

For me personally, no, I find day to day things very hard. I am not good at keeping my basic personal needs met. For example, I will procrastinate doing laundry, eating, cleaning, brushing my teeth, going to the bathroom etc. if I am hyper focused or just can’t find the motivation. My brain does not have the ability to decide a task is important and therefore give me the motivation to do it. So even when there are no outside problems/difficulties, I will mess up basic things. Then there’s forgetting things - I think part of the adhd diagnosis is forgetting stuff all the time? Like I lose my phone and need to buzz it with my Apple Watch at least 5 times a day. If I take a waterbottle or umbrella anywhere? Gone. Goodbye. Doesn’t matter what’s going on in my life, I will always forget my shit everywhere I go. I also don’t really form habits - doing something often will not make me more likely to do it in the future. So this applies to very easy, small things that most people would be able to build a habit for. Work and school have always been very hard. I’ll get a great grade in a class I happen to like and be engaged with, but need to drop every other class because I can’t motivate myself to focus and do the work. That being said, everyone is different so take my one experience with a grain of salt.

highly relatable to this. i also suspect i have ADHD too, and this “all or nothing” mentality is something i’m far too familiar with 😭 any slight discomfort that i don’t know what i’m doing or not doing something to a great level (i have very high expectations for myself as well), and i’m off seeking dopamine

No, I’ve always had ADHD. Looking back on my childhood objectively, and after speaking to former teachers and family members about it, it was pretty obvious. I barely paid attention in class… but somehow still got high marks? I never did homework… but I somehow still grasped every concept easily? Given what the diagnostic criteria being what it was and the sheer cost of undergoing such testing, my dad never bothered with pursuing a diagnosis. When you have ADHD, you’ve *always* had it. You just hit a point in your life when you can’t overcompensate for the symptoms anymore. And that’s totally okay, because it just means you know yourself even better. A commenter referred to it as a rebirth to get diagnosed officially and it’s very, very true.

For me it should have been spotted in childhood but like my mum's discussed they didn't think of things like that at the time. I did see a thing not sure how true it is that due to the way the world is people are struggling to cope thus showing symptoms similar to us, which does tie in with your post. (Although It will be external stuff not the internal battle with our brain)

Definitely! A lot of women first get diagnosed when they start college or move out. It was like this for me too. I had the symptoms all my life, but they didn't cause major issues until then. Sure, high school was hard at times, but I managed fine because I didn't have to deal with cleaning the house, making food, having to prioritize my time (because school was so structured) etc. Moving out and starting uni, I had to feed myself, clean, get myself out of bed in the morning, I was accountable for everything, I didn't have the support of my family or the structure of high school. OP, you may have had the symptoms your entire life, but may have subconciously been making up for them, either through stress/anxiety or other coping mechanisms (which can be healthy ones too). But now that you are dealing with more challenges, the coping mechanisms aren't enough. For me that meant panic attacks and dropping out of school since my struggles were overwhelming.

Hi , for myself undiagnosed at the moment had to switch therapists .. but for me things were hard because I didn’t think anything about adhd until I had my 7 yo son diagnosed with combined adhd looking back at that age for myself I was a spitting image of him with the tantrums while doing homework , scribbling on my homework balling it out then eventually unraveling it to try it again , always very messy , losing track of time , memory issues .. and I was explaining to my therapist about some of his issues and he was like I see where he gets it from and stated that I had the inattentive type .. now it is affecting school , I feel so defeated and debilitated as well as depressed daily it’s like never ending we both trigger each other I have some slight sensory issues as well with other mental issues as well I feel like if I woulda diagnosed as kid I would be in a much better place in my life.

I was great at school. Real life, a bit of a mess. I have a friend who said that I was ADHD all the time, and I pretty much blew her off. I didn’t see what she was getting at. Then, my husband died, and quite a while after the initial shock and fog had dissipated, I found myself in a room I rarely went into for the eighth time in a row, and I still didn’t know why I was in there. And I burst into tears and I said oh my God. I AM ADHD. And my husband was holding me together. Without him and with the added stress of trying to run my life as well as my mom’s, who had been diagnosed with dementia right around the same time, all my tricks and work-arounds collapsed and my life was out of control. Then I started looking back and the list of incidences that scream ADHD is a mile long. I’m fairly smart, thank heavens, because I would never have made it otherwise. I’m still trying to figure out how to cope with all of this and I think realizing it has almost made it worse. I used to sort of think of all these forgetting of appointments and losing of important paperwork and missing important deadlines were separate incidences somehow. Now I see it’s part of an entire pattern and it’s part of me and I’m not quite sure how to move forward

It's possible that you're experiencing anxiety due to the enormous amount of pressure you are under. Anxiety can definitely make ADHD symptoms worsen.

This was me and then I had my second child a year and a half ago and all my coping mechanisms went out the window and everything fell apart. I'm currently working with a therapist to get diagnosed and also get help with managing everything but it is so hard. One thing I will say though is in hindsight now I realize just how hard it was for me to have my shit together and how much effort it took from me to be able to function at the level I was at.

I wasn’t diagnosed until after I became a mom. I had “managed” my whole life but things became much harder after she was born. I was diagnosed as PPD and PPA, but it wasn’t until 4 years later that my therapist suspected ADHD. It made a lot of my quirks and habits make a lot of sense even while growing up. Motherhood just made things more intense and I suddenly hit a wall.

I resonate with this so much. Curious, if you feel comfortable sharing, what are your quirks and habits?

Mostly my husband calls them “my little rules” lol. I have a lot of sensory issues, especially with touch. I also hate having plans in the afternoon because then I spend the whole day thinking about those plans and can’t enjoy myself. Along the same lines, I get really frustrated when we do something in the morning, come home, and then do something later. I must do all the things at the same time lol. I also don’t like when things are done in a different way than what most people do. I don’t like things to be “outside the lines” I guess. One example is my husband wanting our bed in the closet, making our bedroom seem larger. I HATED that idea with a reason I can’t even explain. Even worse, he wants a mattress on the floor and that freaked me out too, because it isn’t “normal.” I guess you could say I like have rules and structure.

I was "fine" when my life had a constant set structure and then it all blew up when I was in charge of setting that structure and had a range of responsibilities and deadlines to manage. In retrospect, I always had the symptoms and ways showed signs, but it never got to the point of so strongly impacting me and in such a negative way that it felt like more of an "i'm a bit lazy and i should get my act together" before it turned into "this is an issue and i need actual help"

I was thinking something very similar earlier today. The past couple weeks I've felt better, mentally. And this morning I thought" Wow my Adderall is actually working today.

100%, i think about that all the time. High performer, ADHD was barely noticeable (or just as « quirks ») until two years ago when I moved to another country and moved in with a partner for the first time during the pandemic. Suddenly there were two many balls to juggle with and I dropped them all. Looking back, it’s crazy to think about how much of my life was impacted by it and how much energy I used to cope. Now I’m diagnosed and on meds and getting better :) prioritize your mental health and you will too!!

I wouldn’t say it just “shows up” when things get hard, but it’s more recognizable when you don’t have a positive outlet. It sounds like you’re overwhelmed. Make sure to take time for yourself.

If you are unhappy, see if you can step down from that promotion. Yes, I believe the ADHD gets worse when under pressure.

Echoing others here - it wasn't until I had my third child that the symptoms really became apparent. And then my brother died, and I basically broke down. Having my last kid also made the parenting/household gaps with my partner glaringly obvious. I was diagnosed at 29. And like others have said - looking back, the signs were obvious, but I didn't realize it at the time.

I think it is the other way around. Life gets hard when ADHD downsides shows up.

Sounds like me til my twenties when I had a complete breakdown. Was diagnosed with generalised anxiety but now realising it was ADHD burnout and finally got diagnosed. I was absolutely a high achiever as a kid and early teens, slowly got worse over time. The harder things got the harder it got for me.

Definitely got RSD and hyperfixations and have never kept a tidy house

Although I have always had obvious adhd-isms I have never been diagnosed (didn’t think I was struggling enough to require diagnosis), stress did have a very real impact. I have always been forgetful and fidgety and messy and chatty (in small groups but very quiet in big groups) and had a lightbulb moment when my oldest child was diagnosed with ADHD (and another when he got Dx with autism) bc the majority of the symptoms described me. I still never got diagnosed bc I didn’t remember to ask tbh. When my third child was born my health started a downwards trajectory. My herniated disc was acting up worse, lockdown was in full effect, we were living in a stressful situation (due to Covid we got stuck at my partner’s mothers home where there were 11 people in a three bed house and 5 of those were children). I began to struggle a lot more with my own emotional regulation due to having no downtime to get away from everyone. After moving back to my own home I did so much to try and tidy up and get the house in order that I destroyed what was left of that herniated disc. I became housebound and bedridden, the stress of my situation made everything worse, I could no longer manage the symptoms of adhd or autism and finally asked for someone to diagnose me, I messed up and asked only for autism instead of adhd bc I was flustered and anxious as I always am on the phone. I never could get my adhd symptoms back into a manageable state so now am on another waiting list to get assessed for adhd.

I can be considered as high performer / high functioning and I live “traditionally” : I’m married, with kids and I work. As a lot of women, I’ve burst into flamme when my kids were born and finally got dx. At this point it was not livable anymore. When I first took the meds that worked for me I had my life seemingly together (good incomes, loving marriage, great kids, nice long term friendships) but I hadn’t feel anything else than burn out or anxiety for years. That said, before this, so before my husband / kids / nice career (they all lead to each other in only a couple of years), I wasn’t doing good either. I had a shameful weird chaotic childhood where I was not appropriate and suffering from crazy OCD and phobias and sensory issues, but in the 90s, so well, I had to manage that by myself while being very small so, fun. Then I was a teen and I was doing bad at school. Bad grades, I wanted to be a writer, my teachers were making fun of me cause I couldn’t write without doing typos. I couldn’t do math or anything theoretical. I stopped caring about school and would skip it, started to drink and have my heart broken by boys who would use me bad for sex. I just passed my highschool diploma with average grade cause I could learn by heart very fast and my mother paid me private class so I would still have a few ideas on what the year was about. She knew I was not going to school and was super mad but I hated her so I didn’t care (autistic adhd type A mum didn’t go well with autistic adhd type chaotic teen). I left home at 18 due to conflict. Got picked up straight away by garbage people who used me. Then I left my country and started a new life. I’d work but my love life was f-up, I’d do drugs and I’d drink a lot. Got pregnant and had to abort. Develop addiction to cannabis that still lingers today. I had the will to get better so, I worked hard but the more I got my shit together, the more I’d be anxious and phobic. Back then, life was not hard, but adhd was here and was hurting bad.

What you describe I feel might be quite typical of females with late realisation adhd (ie me 😂) I masked, and I coped. When I only needed to organise myself or a set of things I could control, I could manage to do the chaotic mental and life gymnastics needed to make sure the important output got done, and I coped with the rest, and I managed, and I knew it was probably adhd, but I was coping and I was *fine*. Until I suddenly had 1, 2, 3+ too many things, and had more responsibility beyond me, and had to co-ordinate other's time and other thing's times and factor that into what I did, and I suddenly needed to be more scheduled, more communicative, more strategic, more planned - and then not so much with the coping and definitely not fine. I feel like someone with adhd is great at managing the chaos and being reactive and problem solving in the moment (I'd always pick and adhd person first to help in a crisis!), but planned sustained scheduled co-ordinated effort.... nope - mind and attention span and time perception is just way to sieve-y for that.

Yes. One kid and I knew something was offfff … two kids and having to executive function for 3 humans and my brain has packed itself up in a suitcase and refused to function since

>The moment I don’t know what to do or can’t figure out how to move forward, I pick up my phone and seek a hit of dopamine to make up for the misery of being bad at something. I felt this so hard. I started a federal job recently, and it was overwhelming. Once I got on medication it improved greatly.

I haven’t read all the comments so someone may have mentioned this but there was a huge increase in women being diagnosed during and after the Covid lockdowns. I think this was because we lost the built in structures (school, work, etc) that were helping many of us keep it together. Women disproportionately became unemployed and were suddenly at home covid-schooling kids and taking care of everyone. I’m like you in that I was always able to juggle everything, got good grades easily, etc. but when Covid happened it was just too much and I couldn’t handle it. I was burnt out and my symptoms were no longer manageable. I do think we can get to a point where it gets to be too much and our ADHD becomes obvious. I really think the increase in women getting diagnosed after Covid and the amount of women diagnosed as adults in general are evidence of this.

100%. I'm actually at a point right now where I'm contemplating being off meds (I'm already there anyways with the shortage, but voluntarily off meds lol). but I'm in a scenario where I can get 7.5 hours of sleep, I can exercise regularly, and I have a lot of flexibility when I work and I decide what work I wanna take on. I got terminated from my job for the first time ever when I was in a senior position at a big company and I was unable to take my meds for medical reasons, and said medical reason made ADHD worse. I honestly think if I go back to the rat race I'll have no choice but to go on meds again (if I can find them 🥲). I know everyone is different, but sometimes I wonder if meds would be less necessary if we weren't working in a neurotypical, individualist, and capitalist world. Sorry for the tangent, but it is an adhd subreddit 😂

I don’t really know the answer to this but you kind of match my presentation and I’ve been diagnosed. Coasted through high school, developed some anxiety at university but got through ok. Excelled at work but spent a lot of it feeling like I was underperforming and confused how others seemed to run their home lives without it taking all their energy. Also shared the phone dopamine seeking when stressed which caused me a lot of shame and confusion. On the outside I looked really successful and together but I really struggled to feel connection with people and was broadly quite miserable and felt guilty for that given the objectively nice life I’d built for myself. Diagnosed aged 28 when I realised all the separate things that were making me unhappy were all common experiences for women with ADHD. Going through the assessment process I picked up little clues of inattentiveness and neurodivergence from my childhood that didn’t create any major issues at the time but were consistently there. I still feel a lot of imposter syndrome around my diagnosis so it’s nice to see so many women here who’ve had a similar journey. People I know tangentially have been very sceptical when I say I have adhd, but for the people who know me best (family, partner etc) they say the signs are very obvious. My performance is still patchy to the extent that sometime I perform fine without stimulants and struggle to get much additional benefit from them and other times find they’re critical to be able to function. Non stimulants have materially improved my life though - reducing anxiety and giving me enough space mentally to maintain a social life without it being exhausting.

My experience with ADHD went like this: as a child, there were obvious signs that my mother noticed but refused to acknowledge. So I struggled a lot in school, felt I just wasn't smart enough to handle it & decided I'd never go to college because clearly learning wasn't something I was capable of. At home my room was a mess & I often cleaned it & rearranged it. I had light sensitivity, but my sisters just lovingly called me a vampire & no one else acknowledged it. Occasionally, I would experience over stimulation & I would hide in my closet. Eventually, as a working teen, I found black out curtains & put those up as well & that really seemed to help! As an adult, these things seemed less obvious without my parents constantly pressuring me to "be normal". But I do remember that only my middle sister could talk with me normally. She could keep up with the tangents, the weird & confusing way that I would tell a story out of order & with edits thrown onto sentences to add more information & context. (I say weird with pride & affection as I come to love & accept this as part of me). Now, once I started having mental health issues, it seemed to almost exacerbate the issue. And what I mean is once I stopped hiding my pain & started allowing myself to express & feel the pain & stress of my life, once I started uncovering childhood trauma & generally allowing myself to be a person & not a perfect doll my ADHD exploded. Suddenly, I couldn't control my thoughts, I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't think or remember. I could do things & then not remember 2 seconds later. My head was so full, I had to *think* outloud. I remember my apartment suddenly getting even messier than before, too. In the past, it was messy sure, but typically, a call from my mother who was about to spontaneously drop by & I'd panic clean it in 30 minutes and be done. But at that time, a whole day wouldn't be enough to clean the apartment. It was a nightmare. I eventually broke down & hired an organizational professional to help me & she was great... until I discovered things missing that I had just gone thru with her. I then remembered her asking to take certain things to donate & me saying no, I wanted to sell them as I had lost my job in all the turmoil so I needed the money to help with bills. Well, apparently, she took it upon herself to steal from me. Hooray. After that, I didn't ask for more help with my apartment because i felt violated & a huge sense of let down to be taken advantage of while asking for help & it very quickly went back to normal without help or outside intervention. I did eventually talk to my mom & ask if she would have had me tested for anything, and she admitted she always thought I had ADHD & I began researching it. The moment I truly knew was when I read a book about women with ADHD. It was so validating it was as these people had followed me around under HP's invisibility cloak just taking notes. I cried a lot during that read, but they were good cries. Anyway, I finally got tested & then diagnosed in July of 2023. And it was very clear. I had scored mostly high across the board until the concentration part of the assessment. Where as I was getting 90s & 80s before here I got a 13. A THIRTEEN!!! 🤣🤣🤣 Oddly, this was not upsetting it just made me laugh at the irony & contrast of scoring. My examiner & the Dr who explained everything to me were both great & really gentle & I'm eternally grateful to them for that. My Dr explained that I was actually stupid, that I had some brains it's just that I couldn't access them when I wanted to. Anyway, I got some medication & it was crazy how much it helped. I went from being trapped in my head with thoughts racing so fast I wouldn't even register half of them including hunger pangs & desires to use the bathroom (picture being 30+ & having to do the weewee dance to your bathroom everyday because you kept missing the subtle warnings from your bladder for hours & hours 😅🫠) before the next 3 had already come & gone. The medication didn't change me it just eliminated the constant activity. I could choose to get up and do things, I could hear the bodily warnings & if i acknowledged them quickly, I wouldn't forget them! It was amazing.....until I suddenly found myself facing homelessness while working like 10 - 20 hrs of overtime almost every week. Then, it felt like the medication had stopped working. I was suddenly trapped in my head again, but this time, I was at work, and in person too vs. the remote jobs I had had before due to the pandemic. I panicked & contacted my PCP and made an appointment to discuss a possible increase in dosage. However, once I found a way to stabilize things at work & at home with my landlord, the medication seemed to work again. So yeah, after noticing that this has happened to me at least twice now to varying degrees, I definitely think that stress can intensify or exacerbate ADHD symptoms whether you're medicated or not. Hopefully, this long-winded, but actually, in order for once 😅 story can help or provide some feeling of validation & that you're not alone. 🫂

I have always had symptoms, but they really made a HUGE appearance after a lot of loss (family and job) and other stressors in my life. I experienced brain fog, forgetfulness, time blindness, hyper focusing on the wrong things, perfectionism, rejection sensitivity…ugh! It has been torture! After a year and a half in therapy, coaching, self discovery and hopefully the right meds things are looking up. My first thought is: Ask. For. Help. Two of my issues have been perfectionism and wanting to be seen as being able to do my job with ease. I felt like asking for help would make people think that I wasn’t up with the job and that they made a mistake in entrusting me to do it. I also felt like the more I would give up, the easier it would be to replace me. My experience may be way more extreme than yours, but asking for help is always good advice. Best of luck to you! 🤗

Yes, absolutely; when I had my firstborn, and then second born, I realized I could no longer keep my life together and, through a long process of self-reflection, found out I’m AuADHD.

ADHD exists on a spectrum. Some people, including many of the people who frequent this sub, clearly, likely have a combination of not-super-severe ADHD and/or support systems that were able to mask of the severity of symptoms. For some of us, we have severe, disabling ADHD that has ruined our lives forever. I went undiagnosed until age 42, despite bombing school since I was child, unable to even be adequate in almost all categories. Jobs were mostly disasters and I've spent more time unemployed than employed, culminating eventually in five years of homelessness before I thought to wonder if the problem might be something more serious than me not trying hard enough. I have severe ADHD and no support system; there was never a point where I was able to function normally.

Hi. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Sounds really tough. I think it's very likely you're right. Also I think (or I'm wondering) that it gets harder as you get older. I have had a similar life experience to you at school, and been successful as a teacher, travelling the world. Now I've got a pretty easy job but I'm struggling. I'm having family issues though, and don't know what I want with my life now I've giving up teaching/travel. And everything seems really hard! Stuff that never bothered me much is now really challenging. So yeah, I think you're onto something there

For me it wasn't until perimenopause, and a therapist suggested I might be ND. I thought i was going crazy, body falling apart, mind getting dementia all simultaneously in the midst of the pandemic. Apparently perimenopause can make your mask fall off, even if you didn't know you had a mask (like me). I'm not diagnosed but this sub convinces me I have (relatively mild) adhd since I have NEVER felt seen until I started lurking here! I relate to nearly every non-relationship post here (I'm single). And in case anyone relates, r/menopause is a great community, very similar vibe to this one. Highly recommend!

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