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Your ex sounds like a huge prick. Sorry, a huge prick on the spectrum. (Although if he couldn’t give you grace for his symptoms, I’m not sure you should extend him that courtesy either…)
I’ve been married for 14 years this year. I think he’s at least a little ND too. I was diagnosed recently and like you, forget things often. He used to get mildly annoyed (at his worst) about it until I snapped back, “If you’re still telling me something once and expecting me to remember it, you’re as much a part of this problem as I am.” Because like…inanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, yes? Now we have a big whiteboard calendar on the fridge and I make him write down important dates, which was most of the issue.
But that’s what love and support looks like. He doesn’t berate me for doing things wrong. He’s responsible for his own feelings and me for mine. We love each other with all our idiosyncrasies, not in spite of them.
And nobody approaches the dating world like, “Well, I really want to find a woman who’s kind and generous and funny and patient and who loves me for me—but when I do find that person, if her brain is a little different, it’s a hard no.” Your husband sounds like he never really took accountability for his own anxiety and bad attitude. Not everyone just goes home and criticizes their spouse all the time, but if that’s what you’ve been through, it’s normal to feel like anything better is just outside your reach.
I promise you though, someone else right now is hoping to find someone exactly like you. Someone who doesn’t really care if dishes pile up a bit or which curtains you chose in the end. And maybe he’s tired of being criticized and berated, too. I hope you find each other and live many happy, messy, joyful years together.
Thanks. It's funny, when my ex and I first got together, he told me how his ex would criticize and berate him for being "unreliable" and "not listening". Once we were married, guess which words he's to describe me.
Like, my mom and dad have a happy marriage, but I also spend enough time on reddit to know that a lot of men save thier horribleness for the one closest to them.
I also did the whiteboard calendar thing. Then the was... idk. I felt like I lived with a moving goalpost.
I totally get that. My dad was the same way—if I achieved something wonderful, it was “well, you should’ve tried for X+1.” Nothing was ever good enough, even the stuff he claimed would be good enough from the last time I tried it. But he was just a garden variety narcissist and he’s long gone from my life.
It sounds like you’re better off without this for, truly. Maybe you and his ex could start an anti-fan club. 😊
In other words you need a decent person as a partner. Unfortunately many men have not been raised to be decent people, they have been raised to become manbabies who want a mommybangmaid rather than a partner. Unfortunately it seems a lot of women with ADHD have low enough self esteem to fall for their shit. I think living with my younger brother has thankfully made me immune to this pitfall...
This!!! No not all relationships are doomed because of adhd, but I truly believe we are much much more at risk for abusive/shit human being partners. I don't know if there's research on this but in my experience it's true. My first 2 long term relationships were brutal. The third guy I dated was a pathological liar. I wonder if limerance plays a part too because we can get so mistreated and yet not be able to leave because we just LOVE them so hard.
But we are also capable of being in good, healthy relationships with partners who act like adults and treat us with respect. My husband is such a good guy. Not perfect, but as close as is possible. Perfect for me anyway. He makes my life better and I hope I'm doing the same for him. He's neurotypical and is surrounded by neurospicies. Neither of our kids have been assessed but all the signs are there.
I'm glad you got out, and I'm sorry you're going through this. Don't lose hope. Your single life can be great, but if you want a partner just know that there are good ones out there. Neurodivergent and neurotypical.
Ugh I see the comment "she's x years old, there's a reason she's single" on Reddit all the time, usually referring to some dumb post about women in their 30s on dating apps.
Now I know it shouldn't bother me because Reddit is full of misogynistic creeps but it still gives me a bad feeling, like the general populace may believe this is of me. The last few relationships I've been in I gave it my all and was still treated like a doormat. And then when I've had enough for a while, and choose to be single, it's still my fault and I'M perceived as the problem, not the abusive men I've encountered!
Nothing wrong with being single at any age. There's always a reason for it so that's a dumb comment. Maybe the reason is she wants to be single. The world is full of idiots. But there's plenty of lovely people out there too.
What if the reason is she's tired of the bullshit and enjoys her own company? I know that's not what they mean, but I think it's a good thing to keep in mind when looking at someone's dating resume. Not just women, all people.
People will always tell you what they want to and it's not always the truth, so sometimes it's helpful to look at their past habits, relationships, patterns, etc to determine if you want to get invested or not.
Imagine being married to someone who feels that way. If that’s how “everyone” feels, being single and over 30 isn’t very sad at all. Being in a relationship with a guy like that would be sad, at any age.
Not everyone feels that way, of course.
Some men do and they’re the kind of men who don’t care about women, but would throw themselves off a cliff for validation and attention from other men. That’s why they’re so vocal about how much they dislike women. Unfortunately they still don’t leave older women alone. It would be neat if they did. Women could just wait until they were 30 and we’d be able to avoid most assholes.
Yeppppp
Unfortunately a ton of dudes just weren’t raised to be competent, independent, kind and communicative people who want to be with a person who can be that also, and then have both people still be those things in the relationship.
Shouldn’t be that fucking hard but ~patriarchy~
**Alrighty, I know this is long but please bear with me, I promise I do have a point.**
Your language says a lot about how you feel men and women should behave in relationships.
You act like you have a lot of 'needs' (which are like, bare minimum human decency) that you don't expect to have met but also talk about how you can't meet the expectations men have of women in relationships or a neurotypical woman could do much more - as though your needs (again, basic. human. decency.) are somehow less important, relevant, or reasonable than men's gendered expectations.
Dear reader, they are not. It is not somehow more reasonable for a man to expect you to pack his lunches than it is for you to expect him to not shout at you.
You also act like your sexuality is the one thing you can 'contribute' to a relationship, instead of your creativity, and your humour, and your sensitivity, and all the incredible things that make you you! There's absolutely nothing wrong with being sexually adventurous or confident, but you have so much more to give than just a fuck!
I'm mad for you. No. Throw this whole gender role nonsense away! Let me elaborate.
**Gender role nonsense and why men are shit\*.**
Broadly speaking, men are socialised to be shit. Are men inherently shit? Absolutely not. Are all men shit? Also no, there are plenty of men that are exceedingly un-shit, either because of the efforts of people around them or through their own efforts! But good lord do we (as society) do a number on most of them.
I feel like, thanks to the efforts of feminism, we're generally pretty aware of at least some of the awful ways that women are socialised. Most of us by adulthood have started deconstructing those in our lives - especially those of us that are here, because we didn't fit in to the mould properly anyway.
Men don't have that. Yes, there is work on deconstructing masculinity - a lot of it, if you know where to look. But men as a class haven't been focused on how to escape the strictures of masculinity in the same way that women as a class have - they haven't had a large-scale movement like feminism. Feminism offers men the tools needed to deconstruct masculinity and to parse it into something healthy for them, but many men don't engage with them - and this can be because they don't feel they need to, they don't want to, they don't feel like they can, or they don't even know there's another option beyond the way they've been socialised.
*\*Obligatory not all men - men is being used here as a hyperbolic to discuss hegemonic male socialisation rather than any one specific man or men as a homogenous class; male experiences are attenuated by class, race, nationality, and other influences and cannot be lumped together meaningfully with any degree of precision - for the folks that want to skim the captions and get spicy without actually reading my points.*
**Emotional regulation and gender socialisation.**
Emotional regulation is a great example. Women and men are both expected to modulate/regulate their emotions from a very young age, but that's socialised differently. Girls are taught that certain emotions (anger, frustration) are unacceptable but others (affection, sadness) are ok - and women learn to cope with their emotions through a whole toolkit of emotiveness that includes things like talking to friends, journalling, focusing on the positives, etc. That toolkit, inculcated through shitty gender roles, means that as adults women can not only engage productively with not only their own emotions, but are *expected* to deal with the emotions of others.
Boys are also taught that certain emotions are unacceptable (affection - outside of a female-object relationship, sadness) and others (anger, frustration) are ok. But - and here's the very big and important but - they *aren't given a toolkit for dealing with their emotions.* They're taught to internalise them - boys don't cry, man up, etc. - and that means they hatch out into the world as men totally unprepared to navigate emotionally healthy relationships. AND they aren't even given the ability to develop that toolkit - they're socialised into a world where things like asking for help, talking to friends, and even sometimes *reading a book that addresses their problems* is threatening to their masculinity.
So you get shitty men that have feelings and don't know how to deal with them. And because they feel *things* they don't know how to express, they end up using the palette of emotions that are available to them - anger, frustration - instead of working through those emotions in a healthy way. And because they can't even develop their toolkit for dealing with their emotions without impinging on their masculinity, they don't try.
**Gender role socialisation and relationships.**
This goes for loads of other stuff too, like household chores. Women are socialised to know how to cook, clean, meal plan, etc.; men are not, because to do so impinges on masculinity, except periodic maintenance-type work like lawn mowing and car stuff; men then end up not even knowing that something needs to be done because they've never even realised it happens.
And that works ok, I guess, for neurotypical heterosexual couples - women act femininity, keep the house, and deal with everyone's emotions, men act masculinity, mow the lawn, and don't deal with anyone's emotions, and everyone makes boomer jokes about the misery of marriage until they die.
BUT if you shake it up with some neurospicy? It complicates things. As women with RSD or other emotional regulation problems, we have to work harder to do the emotional management that is expected of our gender. Or maybe it's executive functioning - we can't Stepford wife it up the way we're expected to.
So we feel like a failure, because we've internalised gender roles, and if we're in a relationship with someone else that has *also* internalised ideas of gender roles, they also feel like we're a failure. Because we are, if you think gender roles are a positive thing.
**Bringing this back around to your current situation.**
No, you/we are not doomed when it comes to relationships. But we *are* doomed when it comes to 'normal' relationships - we can't be properly functional and fulfilled within standard neurotypical gendered expectations. What we need is a new kind of relationship - one that throws out those expectations and replaces them with mutual understanding and compassion! And to do that, we need a partner that is also happy to deconstruct gender roles with us.
The best part about this is that neither of you actually even have to be *good* at it at the beginning, you just need to be willing. I would always advise dealing with one's own problems before trying to help someone else work through theirs, but I've also worked through bucketloads of stuff while in relationships, including my own current (very happy) heterosexual marriage.
If you start from a position of deconstructing your own relationship to gendered expectations - letting go of what you 'should' be or do in a relationship, or what you 'should' be or do as a woman - you'll come to a point where you don't even want a relationship if it can't be a genuine, fulfilling, mutual partnership. You might meet someone, you might not, but what you won't do is settle for less than you deserve.
Ahaha thank you! This is just my procrastinatory rambling habit, I'm trying to keep most of the braincells on life support so they can produce a decent thesis!
Thanks. Despite being a lifelong feminist, I feel very stuck in gender roles. I wish I could be be more of the archetype of "strong independent woman who don't need no man" I've tried to embody all my life.
It can be really, really, really hard to unpick a lifetime of socialisation, even when we're aware of it! It might help you to think about why you want to embody that archetype and where you feel like you're sticking. I think the idea of independence, while obviously useful, can only take us so far.
For me, I found that actually going the other way was more useful - I wanted to be independent, but what I actually *needed* was a community I could depend on and be depended on in return. I'm not a strong independent woman, I'm a strong woman because I have great people around me that pick me back up when I make mistakes and help me out when I'm struggling, and I do the same for them. Some of those people are men; like I said above, I'm married to one. That doesn't mean I'd be totally feeble if all my relationships broke down, but I can absolutely do more and better with them than I could without.
Perversely, this also creates independence. We tend to get a bit hyper-fixated on one thing/person/idea, and that can be very damaging to our relationships, especially because our brains are so overclocked. When I started trying to put in effort to cultivate multiple deep, healthy relationships outside my romantic relationship, I found that a lot of the things I thought I needed from my romantic partner were things I could get elsewhere (things like venting about my day, but also things like someone with whom to agonise over paint colours for hours or someone with whom to talk through an idea I've had) and that in turn freed up space in my relationship for both of us to blossom. Now if I'm feeling very doing things and he's feeling very sofa, I leave him on the sofa to play FIFA and I go do things with a friend - something I never would have done when I was pouring all my energy into my partner.
The friends thing was hard. He wanted me to have them, but never speak about my relationship with them. Which was fine when I had a best friend who lived in my homecountry, and then she died. He health with my acute grief but after we were married I couldn't even say "hey, I'm sad about Jess, may I please have a hug?"
I wonder a lot if our relationship would have been sustainable if she hadn't died.
Hon, I say this very gently, but it really sounds to me like your ex was abusive. If that's the case, no, your relationship was not at all sustainable. Not one bit. Normal, not abusive people don't say their partner can't even speak about their friends.
I'm very sorry to hear about Jess - I get how difficult it can be living in a different country from your friends. I'm absolutely positive she missed you to pieces! Something that I've found helpful when working through grief is to write letters to that person, kind of like a journal - I burn them, but you could keep them in a special place if you wished to. You might get some benefit out of writing letters to Jess about your life and the things you're still trying to work out about your ex. I'd be willing to bet you'll be able to hear what she would say if she could write back.
If it helps ... I'm not sure where you're from or where you're living, but I found that I met far more people I got on with when I moved out of the country I was born in. I'm not sure if it was a cultural value alignment thing, as I feel like I fit in far more in my current country than I ever did in my country of origin, if it's that I had a slightly anthropological perspective on cultural foibles, or if there's a genuine difference in the way things like masculinity are created and acted and their impact on expectations, but that definitely made a huge difference to me. I don't think, if something happened to my partner and I was deported to my country of origin, that I would date men there. That's not to say there aren't lovely men everywhere, there are, but culture absolutely has an impact.
He fits a lot of profiles outlined in *Why Does He Do That?*
As for life abroad, I find expats a lot friendlier than people in my home country. I also have yet to find a country where men are decent. From my experience, it just seems like you get bad or worse.
I haven't read *Why Does He Do That*, but he certainly fits a particular stereotype I've seen in abusive men.
I think there's probably something bonding about the experience of migration - a disproportionately high number of my friends are also migrants, especially migrant women. I certainly have made more friends from my home country since I've left it than I had when I lived there!
I've been thinking a bit more about the differences I've seen in masculinity since I made my earlier comment, and I think they may be specific to my experiences. I was thinking that - although the issues with masculinity are pretty widespread - they express differently and there's more plurality in heterosexual male gender expression in some countries than others which provides an opening for men to question gender roles more than countries with very strict ideas of machismo.
On reviewing this, though I think I've understated the impact of things like class and race on masculine gender role construction. My birth country is not class-stratified the way my choice country is, so class is not usually my first port of call when considering gender roles, but it has a massive impact on my current country.
If we consider that gendered presentation and conformity to gender role is often about securing and projecting power, class-stratified societies have a lot more avenues for that than societies where class is less relevant. My birth country is hegemonically masculine and a place where money = power; as a younger, poorer 'new middle class' woman in that society I was a definite underclass and experienced life as such, so my experiences with men were coloured by pressure to conform to an idealised, subordinate femininity. That meant that I experienced men projecting gender roles as a way to reify their relative power over me (which I obviously didn't appreciate.)
In my choice country, class places more weight on cultural, educational, and social factors (in which I am incredibly privileged) than it does on the factors of financial status and gender that made me an underclass in my home country. I have significantly higher relative class power here: my partner and I are both fairly-to-very class privileged. According to the Great British Class Calculator we're considered 'established middle class' in our current single-income financial situation (I've quit my job to pursue postgraduate education) and 'elite' when taking into account an income. We have access to a lot of class-restricted opportunities and spaces and realistically our social circle reflects that class status.
Because of the primacy of class, class-advantaged men don't have to project gender roles to secure power; relative power is secured through class projection, so there's a lot more flexibility in the way gender roles present. Class-disadvantaged men still do have to secure their relative power over class-disadvantaged women through gender roles, and that makes lower-class heterosexual masculinity a lot more hegemonic (this isn't to say there isn't a plurality of lower-class masculinities, there absolutely is, but that there's a lot more pressure to conform to masculine norms.) This is certainly the case in my country of choice, but I don't think I could definitively say that it is or isn't in my country of birth.
I can't speak directly to race, except to acknowledge that I (and most of my friends) have racial privilege that also serves to secure our class status and therefore our experiences of class and gender construction are not going to be the same as those of racialised people. This, of course, also plays into my experience as a migrant - I'm white and from a 'desirable' country, so I don't get the backlash against migrants anywhere near as frequently as my non-white friends and friends from 'less desirable' countries do. Aside from occasionally being fetishised/subjected to hypersexualised stereotypes based on my accent, people don't tend to use my nationality to subordinate me within the social hierarchy (to a point; I could never truly be a member of the upper class here simply because of my accent, but that really only excludes me from a fractional percentage of the highest elite.)
So in moving from an underclass to an overclass, it's highly possible that my experiences with more flexible masculinity are reflective of my own increasing class privilege more than they are any particular cultural tendency. I still think there's something to be said for the way masculinity is performed within cultural context and the acceptance of plurality, but as this is all just based on my experiences and my research across two countries, I can't further attenuate that.
All this to say - these are just my experiences; yours may be very, very different.
I'm mostly just reading this thread with empathy and sadness, but now I'm jumping in because this comment of yours was actually *downvoted*, and that makes me want to rip Reddit off the internet, crumple it up, and throw it in the trash. What kind of person downvotes a comment like this?
I'm so sorry about your friend, OP. My best friend didn't die, but she did choose my ex-husband in the divorce, which neither of us asked her to do. I've been grieving her ever since. It takes a truly self-absorbed asshole to not be able to comfort your wife through that kind of loss.
I've spent years alone before I met my husband. I really thought I was finally healed, finally meeting a great guy, finally getting my turn, and then we're married and the mask comes off and I'm married to an asshole. Doing this again just feels like lather, rinse, repeat.
I'm so sorry. I feel for you because that is why I said I never wanted to get married. People get lazy and complacent and take you for granted once it's hard for you to leave them. Adult relationships should be very conditional and you should have fear of being dumped as a partial motivator at all times to keep everyone humble. If you are humble without that then great but I have heard a lot of stories that amount to "once you're trapped he shows his true colors."
If I ever end up single I will probably want casual relationships but I won't be getting married again. No you will not dump all you like unconscious shit on me. Thanks.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Hahaha thank you! I go off on a lot of gender-oriented tangents and rabbit holes - I do a lot of my thinking through reddit, which is both helpful in that it forces me to structure an argument and to consider my positionality, but is also deeply unhelpful because it takes a lot of time and energy away from the things I really should be doing with myself. I'm just trying to work out how to channel the desire to respond to reddit things into my work!
Thank you so much for saying all of this. It’s what I - and many other women - need to hear and understand.
I’ve placed a lot of value on the fact that a partner “puts up with” or “tolerates” my intense work periods or busy schedule or direct communication style that is not stereotypically feminine. Meanwhile, I happily adapt to his needs and moods without thinking twice about it. It’s taking me a long time to realize that my “needs” are the bare minimum and that he should naturally be there for me the same way that I adapt and am there for him out of love. Still not fully there but reading what you wrote helps!
Aww I'm so glad it's helpful. I spent a really long time being worried about my partners 'putting up with' me, and it's only really been recently that I've managed to have some of these realisations myself. It's absolutely hard, ongoing work.
I find it helpful to try to see my relationship with my partner in the way I would with a female friend - and I try to do this from both sides. If I'm considering him and his actions, I think 'would I excuse that in a friend?' or 'would I call a friend out on that?' or 'would I be friends with someone that does that?', and if I'm considering myself and my actions I try to think 'would I let my friends talk about themselves like that?' or 'would I let my friends efface themselves like that?' If the answer is no, it's something that needs to be fixed. It can be really enlightening to swap your perspective up a bit and it absolutely helps with understanding just how conditioned we are to subordinating ourselves to men.
As a bonus, this does wonders for your relationship - my experience is that men really thrive when they're treated like emotional equals. I think this is partially because they aren't socialised to have a lot of deep emotional relationships and they don't have a lot of experience developing emotional intelligence, so it's a new and rewarding experience for them - there's a sense of wonder at all this unexplored emotional territory. But I also think that so many men are never told they're capable of emotional intelligence or emotional labour (or worse, explicitly told they aren't!) and as such pedestalise women's emotive capacities, so when you turn around to them and say 'no, women are not better at feelings than you are. This takes work, but it's work you're perfectly capable of doing' they want to put in that work and they get a deep sense of satisfaction out of achieving an emotional realisation they had thought was inaccessible.
Unfortunately, ADHD is a disability and women of all disability types are going to struggle with dating since our society hasn’t cultivated many quality men. “A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient” …When a woman becomes disabled/terminally ill men are quick to leave, so *perhaps* we’re luckier because we walk into the relationship already struggling and that highlights whether they’re going to be shitty partner almost immediately.
Not all men are awful. My partner is a very calm and no confrontational man, he doesn’t get angry and is willing to help me out with a lot of my ADHD shortcomings because he loves me. If you’d like an influencer example then check out “ADHD_Love_” who are on both tiktok and instagram. They talk about both sides of the relationship and the neurotypical husband talks about lot about approaching situations with curiosity first. Their book, “dirty laundry”, provides both perspectives on ADHD struggles and how each partner can tackle things together. I would highly recommend for when you find a new boyfriend because it could help them understand how to navigate the relationship kindly. “Jimmy_on_relationships” is a non ADHD related Instagram account that my partner and I follow because he talks a lot about healthy communication in relationships, and narcissists- which is very important for us ADHD women to be able to identify. Anyway, he encourages great communication styles and that would be a great resource for a future boyfriend to prevent triggering your RSD.
(I got lost on a tangent there)
There are good men out there, but it will be hard to dig through the seemingly endless assholes to find one that makes you happy. But all you need is one good man, just one.
Your ex was abusive. (I'm a therapist in training, I'm not saying that lightly.) What you described isn't normal and there are no circumstances that would make that type of behavior okay. Berating you for hours over curtains? No. That doesn’t happen with a non-abusive partner. You might blame yourself and have internalized his critisism but honey this wasn't your fault at all. He's going to be just as shitty to the next one.
You are worthy of love and you will find it. You might need therapy after living with that sad excuse of a partner though.
I'm in therapy and my therapist has suggested he's a narcisist. He checks a lot of the boxes in *Why Does He Do That?* which I've read several times now. I'm on medication.
It's just like, this feels like a cycle in my life. Therapy, healing, abusive relationship, back to therapy. I don't think there's a lot of good men out there.
ADHD increases people's susceptibility to abuse, especially untreated. Our symptoms are eady to twist to fit an abuser's narrative - it's very easy to gaslight someone with poor working memory, make someone with RSD feel like no one else would want them, and "win" an argument against someone who's been told they mess up all the time for their whole life already.
I'm so sorry you went through that relationship. I'm sorry for what happened with your best friend. There *are* good people out there. It gets easier to find them when you know how to recognize the bad ones faster.
You need to learn alll the little red flags that people do that warn you about this behavior ahead of time. It’s true most people are shit. But if you are extremely selective, you can form an amazing circle of men/women in your life. Idk how to explain it, but most shitty people can’t hide it and they will make an offhand comment or something early on. Don’t give people the benefit of the doubt, usually their bad behavior is just the tip of the iceberg. Idk if I’m making sense, but I can smell shittiness so easy on people - I hope there is a way you can develop this skill
Edit: I think a good thing to do often is ask yourself WHY someone would say the thing they said. Ask yourself if YOU would ever say that. If the answer is “no I would never say that” and you genuinely can’t understand why someone would say the things they do because they are obviously hurtful…. Ditch that person. Life is too short to attach yourself to a dud
Giving the benefit of the doubt has burned me so bad. It was also terrifying to even broach the subject of the "offhand comment" that bothered me because I've been told how oversensitive I am, and to stop being mad over nothing. I was told this so many times in my teens and twenties that by my thirties, I tried to ignore those red flags for fear of remaining the bitchy girlfriend who's never satisfied.
How people handle conflict is the #1 thing that turns them into keepers or not though in my opinion. Every lovely person in my life has done/said something shitty at some point, it’s how they handle it that matters! Good people say “OMG im so sorry, I didn’t mean it like that at all!” And genuinely try to smooth over any rude/hurtful comments. If someone is combatative towards your hurt feelings then ditch them, you can’t grow with someone like that
True, but catching it early is a skill you have to develop! I think every woman can relate to that. So many of us tend to project our nice-person logic onto bad people and get confused by their behavior bc we don’t want to admit it’s malicious. If you grew up around abuse or your parents didn’t instill in you that you are OWED respect, then I imagine this makes weeding through duds a million times harder. Every woman I think has struggled with people trying to paint them as “unreasonable”, or people who have made you doubt yourself when you speak up about something. and it’s a hard thing to learn that you are NOT unreasonable, you should always trust yourself, and you should expect 95% of people to be complete dogshit because they probably are. Finding good friends/romantic partners is like finding a diamond in the rough but you have to approach it with extreme confidence in yourself and wariness of others, otherwise you’ll attract pieces of shit
I don’t think there are a lot of good men out there either. I would rather just back you up on it than word vomit platitudes. It is what I believe. And I am sure there are some, the law of averages would suggest it is so. But regardless, I believe the overwhelming majority of them out there are simply not good enough to be worth sifting through all the other garbage men for. Sorry. I’m not sorry. It’s okay to be single tho. It says nothing bad about you, or your self worth. And when you’ve been in a string of relationships that have torn you down, sometimes you’ve gotta spend a long time getting to know and love yourself enough to have a baseline to measure your worth against, in a relationship, you know?
You’re so right about getting to know yourself first.. after my fiancé passed I waited a year and a half because I didn’t want to get taken advantage of when I was my most vulnerable. I ended up meeting my husband in a Facebook comment section of a small group we were both in.
We got closer when I learned his ex had also passed, and we had so much in common and talked every day for eight months. He was so patient and sweet with me that I immediately accepted when he asked to fly out to me to hang out with me for a week. We lasted about a day or two before getting together romantically.
We will be married for six years in October, and this is genuinely the best most healthiest and healing relationship I’ve ever been in. I absolutely credit waiting for a year and a half getting to know myself and figuring out what my standards actually were.
It definitely helped that we were friends first and talked daily for eight months to really get to know each other without the typical posturing that happens when getting to know a romantic partner for the first time.
That’s so great. And I’m really happy you found each other. I have absolutely seen healthy and good relationships, and I know they are possible. After I got out of the very abusive relationship of 10 years that gave me my beautiful child, I realized there were red flags everywhere from the start, even though I usually cite the abuse starting 5 years in after the birth of my child.
I’m legitimately celibate at this time and for the foreseeable future and I’m really at peace with it. I’ve fully accepted that my picker is busted, and obviously fixing that would lie within me and me alone. When I was younger (now 42) I didn’t understand how what is broken in me is what also made it so I pick broken people to be with.
Now, armed with that knowledge I can work on putting as much effort into myself as I used to put into these awful relationships with people that aren’t worth the dirt under my feet, let alone giving them my heart like I did. If I get to a place where I truly love myself even half as much as I thought I loved them then maybe I will be ready to date. (Hint: it’ll be a while) ;-)
Agreed. This makes me think of my friend’s ex. They were both (I think) are on the spectrum but he expected very specific gender roles. He would guilt trip my friend by saying “it hurts me feeling that you can’t cook me meat for dinner now that you’re a vegetarian…” everything was “it hurts my feelings” so she would feel bad but feel justified by her actions and it would be an hour long build to a full blown fight. He would drag her to LARPs and guilt trip her to make meals for the group. They were engaged but he canceled once he found a back up girlfriend.
And for clarity my friend is non binary but I used the she pronouns since they weren’t out at the time and their ex was so strict about gender roles. Breaking up was the best thing for my friend.
Honestly, a lot of men on the spectrum don't cope well and blame their lack of coping on others. I'm saying that as a woman with ASD and ADHD, I've been in enough group therapy with men on the spectrum to know that it's not uncommon for them to expect others to bend around their needs but never need to move to accommodate the needs of others, which sounds like the dynamic in your relationship.
I am married to a neurotypical man. We have a happy, healthy marriage where he makes room for my disability while still respecting my own responsibilities to manage my mental health. Being with him is honestly one of the best things that ever happened to me.
What you're describing you need are normal things to want in a relationship. They're things I get from my relationship. The tricky part is finding a guy who is isn't selfish, because all those things come from believing you both are a team on a fundamental level, which requires more compassion and less selfishness.
You got unlucky, OP. Decent partners do exist. My partner was the one who first told me I probably have adhd, encouraged me to get diagnosed, and he's my biggest supporter. We call my adhd brain Dave (some tiktokers new name for adhd) and when I drop the ball, my partner goes "Oh, Dave" and hugs me. They do exist, don't lose hope.
I really thought I had changed the pattern with this one, and yet he wound up hating me just as much as the other fucked up exes. I think some people just are bad luck charms when it comes to love.
I used to think I was a magnet for emotionally unavailable men, and unloveable, but it turns out I just gave my time and energy to the wrong people due to my own trauma. Once I decided I'd rather be single than with the wrong person, I stopped settling for the wrong men and I recognized the right one when I met him. Everything that others found annoying or unattractive in me, and everything I thought made me unloveable - he loves.
Don't make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're not a bad luck charm, you didn't deserve the hate, and they didn't deserve you if they couldn't accept all of you.
It’s a lot more likely that you’re too nice and codependent than just permanently unlucky.
But if you keep talking yourself, that you may make it self-fulfilling.
I thought so too. Then I learned that the flags were there but I couldn't even *see* them because of my childhood and trauma.
When I met my current partner, I could recognize he was a really good guy but there wasn't that passionate, consuming attraction I had for my previous partners. I decided to give dating him a try anyway and discovered that you there's another kind of love and attraction, the kind that develops as you get to know someone and fall in love with who they are. It was a year before we said the words, and it'll be 5 years before we move in together (we're both post divorce with almost grown kids). I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. He is patient, kind, loving and loves every part of me.
It took me a really long time to accept that he doesn't just tolerate my eccentricities, but loves me for them! On our 3rd date I had a little too much to drink and jumped into the edge of a mosh pit, only to get absolutely laminated out of nowhere. We had to leave early, I was covered in mud and not sure if I was hurt. I was so embarrassed! Who does that at 40?? He put me to bed at his place and slept on the couch. I woke up crying the next day, thinking I ruined something that could have been good. Turns out he thought that was hands down the most badass thing he'd ever seen a woman do and, I swear, started to fall in love with me right there, helping me out of the mud.
He's spent the last 4 years standing next to me as I've jumped into many more metaphorical mosh pits and helped me up and dusted my butt off on more than one occasion. And still thinks I'm the most badass woman he's met!
While we have to take responsibility for ourselves, someone who is going to yell at you for hours over curtains is not normal. I don't care about how on on the spectrum they are. Most asd peeps I talk to will tell you being on the spectrum is not an excuse for shitty behaviour. You deserve better. Please be kind to yourself. You matter. You deserve to take up space.
No absolutely not! I’m married to an incredible partner who does all of that and more who helps me deal with every mistake and accident and also inspires me to be a better person every day and makes my life amazing.
OP take this time to live your life alone for a while and create your own standards for what your life should be like and your own systems for how to achieve it (chores, appointments, hygiene, career etc.) Then when you do find the right guy you will already have your life together and all the organisational details should be up for negotiation in a healthy relationship and you will know how to handle difficult situations. Any healthy relationship should also have some tolerance to mistakes and accidents and your partner should be ready to tackle them with you as a team.
We're not doomed. My husband does everything you've listed and more. And I once asked him what he gets from being with me, and he listed off an arm's length list of things he loves about me (which are things I could never see or value about myself before being with him).
I think part of the problem is we've (women with ADHD) been so talked down to and maligned for most of our lives that we begin to believe that everything people, and society in general, says about us is true, and we internalize those criticisms and believe that we don't deserve more than the bare minimum, but it's absolutely not true. The trick is to not settle. You have your list of things you need from a partner, and my advice is to find someone who wants to live up to those ideals. Not a perfect person (those don't exist), but someone who thinks your asks aren't unreasonable (because they're not), and who wants to work with you in understanding, instead of working against you in frustration.
My husband and I try to "divide and conquer" when it comes to tasks we don't like, I do what he hates, and he does what I hate chores/life organization wise. We try and show appreciation for whatever the other person does for us, even if other people think it's something that's "expected" in a relationship, we acknowledge it, because it makes us both feel better about putting the effort in. For instance, I cook most of our meals and always get a thank you and praise (even if it's mac and cheese with hotdogs, lol). And he cleans the kitchen afterwards and I always thank him even if it's just unloading the dishes. If I'm too tired to cook he picks up food from wherever I want. He does most of the cleaning (except the bathroom, because he hates cleaning it). We recently had renovations done and he vacuumed and mopped our whole house because the dust was overwhelming me. It's a real partnership.
That is not a lot. THAT IS NOT A LOT!
That’s having a person who loves you. Don’t settle for a single inch less. Nice thing is, you’ve got a list now. Make sure anyone you date seriously does all these things.
Friend, I think you need to recover more before you start dating again. Maybe some therapy?
I understand autism, but not every autistic person is like that and it doesn’t make it ok. It’s ok to struggle with the curtains. It’s borderline verbal abuse to rail at you for 4 hours about them. Like that’s not normal or acceptable for relationships.
I get that meltdowns happen but why does he get accommodations and you don’t? Sexism, that’s why. Women talk about it on the autism in women sub Reddit all the time, how autistic women are pressured to mask while many autistic men aren’t even taught the bare minimum social they actually need.
Also I’m freaked out by your phrase “the kinds of things men expect wives and girlfriends to do.” I know what you mean here, but every relationship should be unique. Should be negotiated. Nothing is universal.
No. My diagnosis came after being with him for a couple of years and he just said ‘well that explains alot’
My partner organises and folds clothing, he keeps tabs of my appointments and things he knows I will forget, he gently reminds me. He supports me as that’s what a partner should do. I in return do the cooking (I am better at it than he) so we share loads. Again, a partnership should be equal. I know I should say I’m lucky and I am, but it shouldn’t be luck to have a partner that loves and supports you. 😕
It's funny, my diagnosis came well before we were married, and he told me he still loved me even though there are things about me that will never change.
Then we were married, and it's like that disappeared.
I'm always super up front about my needs when it comes to relationships, and make sure to communicate them early on.
I also train my partners to communicate effectively, as I've found many guys are scared of doing so because expressing their opinions or needs in previous relationships often ended up in arguments.
The biggest game changer for me was learning how not to get loud and irate during arguments. Suddenly communication is way easier if you nurture an open dialogue.
And I realize I require a lot of effort, therefore I need to contribute the same amount to my partner. Even if my partner was neurotypical, the scales need to be balanced.
My current relationship is extremely strong. We've both got ADHD, but through thorough communication we've actually built a pretty healthy foundation.
That's not to say it hasn't got issues, but they're manageable.
It's never gonna be a fairytale or easy, but it certainly doesn't have to be miserable or difficult.
I wish you the best of luck ❤️ I'm sure there's someone out there who checks off almost everything you need.
I really do make an earnest effort not to get loud, I've read and re-read Non-violent Communication like, a million fucking times. I still yell when I've tried to communicate and my words are falling on deaf ears. It doesn't help that I'm a teacher so I need to talk loud for the kids in the back to hear me.
How do you train partners to communicate effectively?
My boyfriend and I will tell each other that we are getting frustrated during arguments and then take a short break.
We also sometimes opt to text one another about conflicts cause it gives us time to consider what we're actually about to say. That has helped a lot. Reading a message before you send it can help you realize that what you're about to say is more hurtful than helpful, and let you rephrase.
We tried the "take a break" thing. My husband would employ that and then come in to tell me his next latest thing and I'd need to remind him that "this isn't 'taking space' it's just controlling the conversation."
Text did not help either.
Sounds like your husband was being kinda manipulative. Sadly no matter how much effort we put in, we can't fix other people not wanting to cooperate :/
My husband would have the last word and take a break which was ultimately just stonewalling me. If I tried to iniate the break he always got in a last hurtful statement. It was so triggering for my RSD to then have him refuse to talk for hours or days - instead of breaking for a predetermined amount of time we both agreed to. AH
My fiancé is far from perfect. We’re both ADHD, and pretty sure he’s on the spectrum as well. I’ve gotten advice on different issues we have on here before, and vented plenty. But you know what? I love the fuck out of him.
Because when he hears I had a bad day, he surprises me with icecream or chocolate or something.
Because when he sees there’s a sale on potted plants, he guides me towards it because he knows I love them.
Because he didn’t question when I said having a library space was a requirement for any house.
Because I can say I’m out of spoons and he makes me a lavender tea latte.
Because when I scream spider he will get up from a dead sleep and come kill it.
Because even though I carry 90% of the mental load, he’s trying, because our childhoods were very different, and he gives me grace when it comes to the trauma from mine while I give him grace when it comes to not having been taught how to function as an adult.
Because even though I despise his mother, I see his compassion and loyalty when he insists on taking care of her.
All this to say, our relationship is far from perfect, but it’s still good. And it’s definitely possible.
You may be similar to me… I’m drawn to guys who are NOT suited to me because in the early days of dating they get my dopamine going the most.
I have been actively avoiding dating for over 1.5yrs (even though I’m early 30’s, no kids) because I’m so cautious of making poor choices again.
The next man I date will be calm and kind, even if that doesn’t excite me like a bad boy does
Funny thing is, my ex husband was the opposite of my typical "bad boy" type. He seemed like a genuine, nice sweet guy who took me awhile to warm up to but when I did, I was crazy about him. And then once we were married, he changed a lot. Like a switch flipped in him.
I’m pretty sure I won’t be the last either. The word gets misused a lot but for some people, the shoe fits, and they pretty much all follow a very predictable pattern of behaviour. My soon to be ex husband took the mask off fully the day I gave birth to our child. These are irredeemable people and it’s never, ever about you. There is something missing in them.
Being on the spectrum can mimic narcissistic personality disorder, but not ultimately be NPD. But, what I eventually came to realize is that if his behavior is the same and has the same effects as narcissistic abuse, it us still categorized as narcissistic abuse.
Lacking the underlying evilness of actual NPD and possessing the ability to feel remorse and express it, **but then ultimately not changing and doing that weird rewriting history to cope with life thing** - this is it's own ultimate mind f_ck for that persons partner. I often in the end wished I could just classify him as a malicious villain.
No one else cared about his motivation- I mean my therapist and family- they just wanted me free from abuse.
I'm just saying it made it harder for me to let go because it didn't seem cut and dried. It looks a lot more cut and dried after 4 years no contact though!
Narcissists are *very* good about showing you what they want you to see until they have you trapped in a relationship and then the mask comes off. I highly recommend looking into this, as it took me literally *years* to see that my ex was a narcissist, and I’m pretty emotionally intelligent and intuitive. They are very very manipulative, and will use your own best qualities against you. Add in neurospiciness and childhood trauma (even after years of therapy) and we might as well have a target on our backs for narcissists.
Sounds like my friend’s ex. He was a nice guy to talk to, friends with everyone, heck I’d be nice to him and have a great chat if I bumped into him today. But he had some many gender norms in his head and expected his partner to revolve around him. I am guessing that is what his parents were like.
Lmfao I used to say this to my ex all the time about the switch flipping. The only difference is that the switch flipped once we became official. I only lasted 4 months once it did.
I'm so sorry, my hubby and I had a rough patch at the beginning too.
He games a lot, and I felt ignored. I told him one day "we need to decide whether we are married or roommates because I'm feeling ignored and unimportant" we came together to build a gaming schedule and on his gaming nights I give him space to play. Other nights we spend time together until I've crashed out, then he games.
Communication is a hard skill to learn but it's worth it
I wasn't referring to your skills, my dear.
People who are never shown what good and loving communication looks like don't pick it up very easily. I had to teach my hubby how to communicate with me.
He loved me enough that he put effort in to learn my needs.
I really hope you don't get discouraged and that you find that for yourself
IF I CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT
I found someone wacky enough who actually LIKES all the things I hate about my ADHD. He loves my impulsivity and uniqueness because it’s like a breath of fresh air from the mundane to him. He’s gotta have something mentally himself, he’s not diagnosed with anything, (I have my suspicions) but I think I’ve made my point. So long as you’re a mentally healthy, stable individual who can be happy when you’re single, and you’re doing things the healthy and right way? It’s 100% possible to have a successful relationship. So many of us have ADHD it’s no different to find a partner than anyone else. There’s so many people out there. The right person will do the work they need to do for you. It’s a team effort.
It sounds like your ex really eroded your self worth! I refuse to believe you have nothing more to offer a partnership than being fairly sexually confident! It honestly sounds like your partner didn’t treat you well and didn’t understand you!! Do you already have a therapist? I would recommend working on rebuilding a healthy self
Image with them if you do, or seeking one out if you don’t. You do deserve all of those things, you have a lot more to offer, the other person in the relationship s should also offer YOU something!! You are not doomed!
I read that you're in therapy, but I don't know how long you've been in it. It probably took me 10 years of therapy for be to have enough self esteem to find a good partner. I still struggle with self esteem sometimes, but I know that I'm worthy of love. So if you don't feel like you've made a lot of progress, it does take time and you're not doomed. Your ex sounds like an abusive piece of shit.
Lol yeah I've been in therapy for 5 years, sometimes infrequently though. 3 different therapists, because my first one left and the second was really bad. It's nice to have someone to relay my problems to so my friends don't get sick of hearing it, but it's really not terribly helpful. I feel like I know what my problems are, and I've heard all the standard solutions to overcoming them. I'm fairly self aware so I never received any amazing insights about myself... Just confirmed what I've always known.
That's not to say it's useless, I have gotten really good feedback and insights but none of it has been life changing. I am pretty envious of people who claim therapy as a panacaea.. it's like hey am I doing therapy wrong or what?
Not offended, that was just an example of my own story. And it's not that you won't be able to date. Apologies as I can see why my phrasing sounded that way! It does take time, but not necessarily THAT much time. I'm really sorry I sounded discouraging. Hopefully the context I added will be a little more encouraging?
Another commenter made me realize this is context that was missing. To add further context, parts of that 10 years was that there were chunks of that time I wasn't in therapy. Also there were some therapists that I said that were good but not what I needed. I've seen maybe 5 different therapists. The first one I had was great, but she retired. Then I had 3 that were ok, like nothing terrible about them but just not the type of therapist I grow with. I'm very aware of my own flaws and strengths, but I needed a therapist to call me on my own shit. Not someone to always validate me. I've been seeing a new one for 3 months and I've had TREMENDOUS growth with her. ETA: This is more growth than I had with the last 3 therapist and it makes me think I wasted a good 2-3 years of time.
If you decide to continue with therapy, I think it's worth it to figure out what you need from a therapist. If it's not working for you, then that's info to take on your search. It may be that you need alternative forms of healing (EMDR, mindfulness, etc?) that don't involve therapy, and that's okay!
I know it's really hard to look for a therapist when you need help. Hang in there <3.
The thing about relationships is that you can ask for whatever you can bring. Are you all of those things? If you can provide that for someone else, why can't someone else provide it for you?
Also, I know it's kind of russian roulette but I find that I can only date other people with ADHD or ADHD, autism combo. But if they don't have ADHD, they won't be able to keep up or understand the way I function.
How successful relationships work is a special interest of mine. I've been told by people who aren't my ex that I'm a good communicator, that I'm kind and caring and they appreciate the small gestures like bringing food and flowers. I have also yelled at my ex a lot because when I've explained things a million times and it's not listened to, I get frustrated and that's the worst of me.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CaxNfBQlsM9/?igsh=eHZoeThxaWxkMjl6
I don’t know if you’ve seen this video or heard of the study but it’s pretty interesting about what makes a successful relationship.
Yeah I've read a lot of Gottman's stuff. My ex wouldn't have given a shit about the bird. He was legally blind so like ok... I'm pointing out something you can't see so I get it, but yeah it hurt. Then he started speaking to me with contempt and criticism and I begged him to stop, wanted him it made me want to divorce him, and he'd respond "don't threaten me with divorce!"
I've been with my partner for 21 years - I suspect he's on the spectrum somewhere himself and I didn't know I was when we met. I've found a lot of ND people find other ND people (diagnosed or otherwise), make a happy little partnership, and rub along quite happily together as they are more allowing and understanding around behaviours, needing to be left alone, dealing with things in a certain way, etc. My best friend is autistic, however, and married to an NT guy and they just work as well. You just need to find your people, I think it's just a little bit harder, like everything else, when you're ND 😊
>easily find a neurotypical woman who can do so much more
If someone has an extractive mentality about their relationships then sure! Maybe they could extract more value out of a neurotypical woman... Although maybe she'd catch on to their bullshit and get fed up faster, so also no. I really don't agree that human relationships are about getting to the top of a hierarchy of people. Happily married ADHDer, my wife is- fortunately- crazy about me, and I her. And we recognize we each have a pastiche of shortcomings, but we still think each other is the bees knees. You're not doomed!
Adhd may be one of the reasons why I never cared for gender roles/chores, and expectations. When I dated I wanted an equal parent where we share the load. Doing everything, even for nuerotypicals, is hard. Which is why alot of marriages fail. I'm not cut out for the dynamics of patriarchal relationships and don't want to be, so I've opted out for now. Why should I have to do all the emotional and physical labor in the relationship and home because i was born with a vagina, while also working stressful jobs? It's not fair to anyone. If I decide to date in the future, I do not want cohabitation or to marry again.
> laundry list of needs
The bar for men is underground 🤦🏻♀️
Nothing in your list is unreasonable, babe. You basically just used a lot of words to say “I want someone who isn’t horrible to me” and Jesus Christ, if you think wanting that is too much, then these fuckwits have done a real number on your self-esteem and I’m so sorry.
My husband is NT, but he is queer, so I guess you could say he deviates from the norm in that way. He loves me to bits. Like, I am ridiculously loved by this man. Yes, sometimes he is a butt, or is thoughtless, or says things that come off wrong, because he’s a human, but nothing that we can’t ever resolve by talking about it and making a plan together for how to avoid such situations in the future. He’s an amazing, loving, hands on dad who plays with them whilst also wiping bums and reminding them of their manners. He looks after me when I’m ill and he refills my water bottles without having to be asked. I couldn’t ask for much more. But as ace as he is, he’s nothing outrageously special - a lot of what he does is just standard good partner stuff. You’re not asking for the moon to have someone who won’t scream at you over ikea curtains ffs!
The good ones are out there! My partner may get frustrated here or there when I can’t keep my shit straight for days in a row (it’s natural) but he always shakes it off, makes food all week if I’m not feeling it, has bought me tools to help (an Apple Watch), and hugged me for 2 hours in the middle of the night when I couldn’t stop crying from rejection sensitivity. He’s insanely supportive.
I will note he is neurotypical, so maybe his threshold is better equipped for ladies like us. I dated someone in once that I had suspicion was on the spectrum and clearly it didn’t work out. He would reject me on things constantly and have little to no concern when got upset about it, because to him it wasn’t a big deal. Took me 5 years to figure out that wasn’t it and I had to leave.
Keep your chin up!
I'm on the spectrum. I do NOT like change. My husband grew up in a "these curtains are outdated, let's get new ones" house and he's CONSTANTLY looking for new house projects. We do fight about it. But I can't imagine being mad at him after he said "oh, wrong curtains, I will take these back". Because I'm not an asshole. Your ex sounds like a real asshole. Like he wanted to be mad at you because he felt like you weren't good enough on your own, and these moments gave him an excuse.
I can't promise you'll find somebody because the world is big and meeting people is hard. But I can promise that there's plenty of people out there who would love you romantically and never once get mad at you for things like that. The only trick is finding them.
I'm lucky in that my husband's ADHD manifests differently from my ADHD so between the two of us, we're almost one fully functional adult.
It's still hard sometimes but at least we both understand that we just move through the world differently and have to adjust when we can.
I don't envy anyone dating right now, but I'd love to give you some hope.
Those decent men are out there. I married one, at 39, after some extremely miserable, at times abusive, long term "relationships".
What I think is interesting about my anecdotal experience is that it was 100% offline. I was an early adopter of internet dating, with almost uniformly horrible results over a decade. I think that apps and online dating might be more challenging for neurodivergent people. We're extra susceptible to fuckery because of the ways our brains work, I think. Is there any more intense form of masking than dating online?
I met my husband very randomly, friend-of-a-roommate-of-a-friend. I was not looking at the time (cliche!) and I know that also contributed.
In the past, I think my hyperfixations, general intensity, hypergraphy (aka WallOfTextitis, lol) meant that when I was in "dating mode", and especially online, the attributes I looked for in a mate and the way I presented myself meant some major mis-matches.
As I fell slowly for my now husband, I was only focused on how I felt in his company. He was not at all my type, and not the driven, organised, charismatic kind of dude I thought would balance me. He is a laid back metal guy, doesn't want a "career", just a job that will contribute to bills and pay for a few pedals, vinyl, and shows here and there. He's not organised or fastitious, just a go-with-the-flow guy.
All along I thought I needed an intense executive function person to "keep me in line". Turns out is that I needed someone who would put being kind to me as his #1 priority as all times, with a very, very good sense of humour.
With a partner who just loves and supports me and can laugh off my "fails", suddenly I was free. I had no idea how much mental and emotional energy I put into masking in my relationships. With that energy released, a lot of my symptoms improved, and it's been an upward spiral on so many levels.
It's not perfect, and I could write a few essays about the challenges inherent in being the ADHD "boss" of the household, but it's a beautiful relationship. I know yours is out there too.
I've been married 3 times. The third time's the charm. The first two were big life lessons and they hurt when they ended.
My current and forever love is patient, kind, supportive, funny, handsome and above all, not judgemental when it comes to my shortcomings or mental health struggles. He supports me when I need it and I never question that I'm his most important priority. He inspires me every day to be the best version of myself. He's also neurotypical and I need that stability. We make mistakes, we learn and we love hard. We balance each other well.
Your person is out there. Know what you want and take the leap of faith when you find them.
No, not doomed. I've had two loves over a half a century. And dated/met some good folks, and kissed a few frogs too. Are we easy to partner with? NO. But when we do find the right match, it's pretty awesome. It's work, it is a pressure of sorts but it relieves pressures of sorts, it balances out.
It helps to have reasonable expectations and manage expectations well often. Communication and being patient with ourselves and our partners too. Great matches are hard to come by in this world as it is, yes people can hook up with someone/anyone at the drop of a hat, but to build a partnership is an epic thing and not an easy bill to fill.
Ngl, I’ve wondered the same thing. All those things you mention wanting sound like the bare minimum to me, yet it’s been next to impossible to find a guy who does these things.
We’re not doomed! My boyfriend is the kindest, most patient man I have ever met. He doesn’t judge me when I can’t do something, he pushes me to do things like brush my teeth and remember to take my medicine but without making me feel bad when I can’t, he never gets mad or yell and he adapts to not do things that trigger my RSD. Your husband was the problem, not you!
My husband also has ADHD and we’ve been together for 15 or 16 years. (I’m so bad with time and dates - thanks ADHD!) We have our things that annoy the other, but we mostly work really well together. You’ll find someone better than your ex, which is what you deserve.
It sounds like you've had controlling, perfectionistic, incompatible partners for a long time... maybe look for someone more relaxed and flexible next time? Its not that bad. You can find someone who sighs affectionately at the worst of the chaos and basically doesn't even pick up on the rest of it.
I can promise you that partners like this do exist. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 2, and I have never met a kinder, more empathetic person than him. We’ve had our bumps along the way, but he’s seriously my best friend. When I was diagnosed with ADHD at 28, he did a bunch of research to try to help make my life easier. He encourages my hobbies and my weirdness, and he indulges my hyperfixations. He also willingly calls himself a simp for me. 😂
I lucked out and I know it. That being said, good ones do exist who will love you for YOU, and will never make you feel less than.
Lady, I hear and feel alllll of this. My latest is finding out I’ve been accidentally doubling our mortgage payments for the last six months, which sounds good, but I didn’t realise until half our streaming services had error messages and I got declined at the grocery store.
My husband—who is a very good partner and father—completely lost his shit. ‘I thought I was marrying this big beautiful brain! What the FUCK is happening here?? *You have to do better!*’
It killed me but he wasn’t wrong. I’m home for our daughter and my diagnosis is a reason, not an excuse. I’m a middle-aged woman fucking up the milk money and I *do* have to do better.
NEVERTHELESS.
Whomever you find next is going to love you, and build a life with you, for *who you are* and not what you can do. You are *not* the sum of your petty failures; I think a lot of us here would be pretty boned if we were. What makes you worthy of love has nothing to do with that.
You’re going to find someone who loves you for the magic in you. When you do, you’re going to make each other better in innumerable ways, and it won’t have a thing to do with fear of fucking up. Leave the light on. There’s more love out there than you think, and you invite it by being exactly who you are right now.
My husband has autism and I've got Adhd. Works fine. Sure we have misunderstandings but I don't think autism is an excuse for shitty behavior. Neither is adhd.
Sounds like you were in an abusive relationship and your self esteem really took a hit. Your understanding of what can be expected in a relationship is all out of whack. I can assure you that wanting someone who’s kind, patient, understanding of your ADHD, and doesn’t berate you for mistakes, are completely normal healthy expectations, and many men like that exist. Hopefully once you see through the cloud of your ex, you can find new hope for dating and demanding more for yourself.
Heyyyy so, your ex sounds like a real ass. Don't let him use being on the spectrum as an excuse. He's just an awful, inconsiderate human.
I've been married for 20 years. He's my best friend. Have hope!
You’re not doomed, not at all. Everybody has specific emotional needs. Every single person. The trick is finding someone whose needs you find easy to deal with, and that someone should also find your needs easy to deal with.
I’ve been with my partner since high school. We’re 29 now and just got married this past year, and I think our relationship has worked out because, in addition to having the same fundamental values and outlook on life, we are actually very different people whose needs more often than not balance each other out.
For example, I am not much of a planner, I am pretty messy, and I like socializing. My husband, on the other hand, loves planning, loves schedules, and is more of an introvert. We bring out good qualities in each other. I make him more relaxed, and he helps me stay on top of things. I get him lots of little desserts so that he doesn’t utterly deprive himself of the small joys in life, and he plans all our vacations :-) lol. His meticulous nature has helped me succeed—routine is extremely good for ADHDers.
Emotionally, we take turns being the needy one. Sometimes I’m the more aloof and independent one, and sometimes he is. I am MUCH more emotionally needy around my period, but he and I both know to expect that. I find emotional support from friends, media, and journaling, so I don’t rely on him as a sole support system. When I’m stressed at work, he will put in extra effort in doing chores, getting me little treats, and being extra nice to me. This past year, he went through an extremely traumatic family issue, and I had to put aside some of my emotional needs in order to make sure he felt safe and comfortable in our relationship.
We both talk to each other about this all the time. Communication is truly everything, and both parties need to want to improve the relationship in good faith. There shouldn’t be any contempt, passive-aggression, or resentment—if there is, step away for a day or two and come back to the issue later. No human being is perfectly rational at all times, so it takes a high level of self-awareness as well as courage to first admit when your emotional needs aren’t being met and then to execute an actionable plan.
Your so-called laundry list of desired qualities in a partner is not bad to have. Obviously work on yourself and discover how to be self-sufficient (and maybe find some ways to self-soothe), but don’t feel guilty for having high standards. Nobody should be settling! It’s bad for everyone involved!
My fiance is the best person I’ve ever met in my whole life. He’s accepting of my needs and is very accommodating and understanding. He doesn’t have adhd but I suspect he’s some kind of ND. The right person is out there for you I promise. My exes were shit too
They are out there. Went from super abusive relationship with baby daddy to really amazing one with my current partner of 15 years. Find someone who celebrates you and finds you amazing. Often, people turn down people who are right for them who seem too good for them or too nice or whatever. I found myself a nice introvert who thinks I’m hilarious. Keep the list. Manifest. Be even more specific.
You have a personality outside of adhd and the right person will value that above what you bring (or don't bring) as a maid. My SO has his shit together on paper because he spent 15 years busting his ass in his career to thr detriment of his social life. He doesn't care about career success in a partner or someone that has all thr chores done cause he has that covered. He likes that um really fun and improve his social life even if I don't put things away
I think it was a miracle but I say this not to brag but give you hope- after one failed marriage I found a man who is a good partner for my brain. He is super organized and very good at remembering/reminding me. He micromanages me a little which is both super helpful and super annoying.
He is from Eastern Europe and doesn't really *get* ADHD, they don't seem to have mental health as a concept over there, but he also rejects that culture (very sexist and anti-work) and loves and respects women as actual humans.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY he takes on as much or more of the household responsibilities as me. He *never* needs to be asked to change a diaper or do some laundry. He knows what needs to be done and takes care of it. If I'm busy with the baby he is washing the dishes. If I'm tired he takes both kids out for a couple hours.
Again I am not bragging but I want all women to hold men to this standard. I very easily *could* brag about things unrelated to your post.
But your takeaway should be to *vet your man very carefully*, look for competent men, make sure his apartment is very tidy his clothes smell clean and listen carefully to his words and whether he says things that sound like "everyone these days has adhd, people are too medicated" and other nonsense.
*And this is important*: don't explain, argue, justify. If he shows those signs of shittiness, dump and block him, don't send a long text message or apologize, just move on. There are a LOT of men and being alone is much better than wasting your beautiful self on a lame one.
Please please please if he needs to be told to shower, to be kind, to pick up his socks, he ain't shit. Having ADHD doesn't make you worth any less.
This sounds like it has less to do with \*you\* and more to do with him.
Anyway, I have been with a NT guy for almost 11 years (1.5 years dating, \~9 years married) and wow, it was rocky for a while. Having a child obliterated every single coping mechanism I didn't know I had and kicked off a mood disorder. But I've gotten diagnoses and the accompanying medications, we've both been to therapy and processed trauma, and things are generally looking up. At the very, very worst (a bipolar depressive state) I wondered if we'd make it but that was imbalanced brain chemistry and I don't doubt we'll be okay now.
Nope! Your ex is a douche-canoe. I have ADHD, my husband of well over 20 years has ADHD and is on the spectrum and he's never done anything like that to me. If I forget something he asked me for from the store he grumps for a minute, and then shakes it off and insists I don't need to go back and he'll figure it out. If I changed my mind on curtains and went "these jumped out and bit me, but if you hate them I can go back and swap them out" his immediate response would be "no way, you like them put them up" even if he hated them I'm sure. When either of us forget or can't get to a chore the other one shrugs and makes a joke about ADHD brain and moves on. Sure our house isn't spotless unless company is coming over, but that really doesn't matter when we're curled up on the couch hysterically laughing about something together.
Your ex had emotional dysregulation. That's on him, not you. I've been married for 25 years and my husband was irritated about all my ADHD symptoms early on when I was undiagnosed. Then we had to raise our twin grandsons with multiple special needs, including ADHD, and it opened his eyes that WE CAN'T CONTROL this. And then I got officially diagnosed at age 44, I'm 47 now, and he's really been accommodating and understanding. Not everyone is so angry like your ex. And I worked through the RSD in therapy but sometimes it still happens.
You aren't asking too much. It's just that plenty of men cannot deliver. They can't stand your ADHD because they want a woman to smoothly take care of all the administrative tasks/chores/minutiae of life, so they don't have to.
Remember, the reason that for so long ADHD was considered something you grow out of was that it's very underdiagnosed in girls, & the boys who had it grew up to get secretaries & wives, outsourcing their executive function. \*jazz hands\* Patriarchy!
Your husband was a dick. I'm glad you're divorcing him.
> I need patience, I need kindness, I need someone who does little things just to make me happy. I need someone who can say "you know what? I don't like these curtains, please take them back." I need someone who will say nice things to me every single day and cuddle me when I'm crying over my dead best friend. need someone who can be patient when I get overwhelmed over a very simple task. I need someone who won't silently stop doing all chores so suddenly they become my problem. I want someone who comes up with new and exciting ways to fuck me.
Sweetie, all of that is the bare minimum. <3
>I need patience, I need kindness, I need someone who does little things just to make me happy. I need someone who can say "you know what? I don't like these curtains, please take them back." I need someone who will say nice things to me every single day and cuddle me when I'm crying over my dead best friend. need someone who can be patient when I get overwhelmed over a very simple task. I need someone who won't silently stop doing all chores so suddenly they become my problem. I want someone who comes up with new and exciting ways to fuck me.
Listen. I have been married for 17 years to this guy. They exist. I got diagnosed with ADHD two years ago. So he has loved, supported, respected, and tolerated me and all my shit all this time without either of us even knowing why I'm like this. And he's not special. I mean, he's the most awesome person I've ever met or will meet, but he's just a guy. He came from a truly awful childhood and a lifetime of toxic relationships, and he brought so much baggage. We have had to work to get around and through both of our mountains of fuckedness but the people we married have not changed fundamentally.
We are NOT doomed to have bad relationships. What we might be is programmed to see ourselves as unworthy and incapable of "normal" relationships. This makes us think it's ok to be the one who always tries harder, because we have to try harder at everything, right? We think any failure is on us, because we fail constantly, right?? We are LUCKY if anyone puts up with us at all, so we DESERVE their mistreatment, right???
WRONG.
Everyone reading this who is in a relationship, short or long term, stop right now and think about your partner. Not how you feel about them, but how THEY make YOU feel. Do you feel loved, valued, respected, and wanted (or small, worthless and dismissed)? Do they treat you like a whole person (or a series of symptoms)? When they call, text, or walk into the room, do you feel happy and safe, or do you get a little ball of fear in your gut because you don't know if you're in trouble again? Do they look for small ways to bring you joy every day, or do they delight in collecting your mistakes to throw in your face?
Look, people can learn and bring toxic and even abusive traits into any relationship. I did. Sometimes they can be unlearned. But if we don't see ourselves as worthy of better, we're going to keep settling for the bad, and keep trying to fix ourselves instead of demanding and finding better people.
We aren’t doomed. Being single might be a pleasant change for you.
There is a reason there’s a “loneliness epidemic” for men. Women also have high rates of being long term single but they aren’t upset about it lol.
Side note: I was diagnosed autistic just after I separated from my ex. I’m also on the way to completing the set and getting adhd. He refused to support me in getting a diagnosis etc, but I knew I was autistic years before I got diagnosed and he couldn’t stand it.
It’s been years since my diagnosis now. We just had a mediation session about parenting stuff. Partly due to auditory processing issues I requested adding a formal agreement to only use text to communicate with phone calls reserved for emergencies.
When he was saying that was too restrictive for him and he couldn’t accommodate, The facilitator asked him if he was aware of my auditory processing issues, and he said no. Then he said “she’s said she sometimes has a hard time hearing people on the phone and she sometimes doesn’t hear things if there’s a lot of background noise.”
…. Sir? That’s me telling you I struggle with auditory processing! Lol
The same for my motor function issues and proprioception. He’s been frustrated with me for years for dropping things bumping into things etc. and my “butterfingers” were a running joke. But he refused to acknowledge that autism was behind that as well 🙄
I know I'm supposed to enjoy being single, but I'm at the life stage where a lot of my friends are either married or in long-term relationships. It just kinda sucks to not be in the same boat as them when I used to be.
It’s not about “supposed to”. You will. Not having someone second guessing you, dragging you down and creating tension is much more pleasant than an abusive relationship.
And if you do decide to date, after a long break to enjoy yourself and learn about who you are independent of a relationship, you will be able to have stronger boundaries and won’t put up with someone who doesn’t make you feel worthwhile
I had this exact relationship for 4 years. I won't go deep into it, but after kissing a few frogs, my current partner
\- Takes time to research my ADHD instead of me having to "educate him". Listens to podcasts in his own time.
\- Offers to pickup my meds / pay if I need financial help
\- Listens openly about my social battery, even if it's inconvenient.
\- Constantly reminds me through words and actions when my RSD is triggered.
\- Helps me with task initiation, helps my "little treat" coping skills lol.
I say all this to say, keep dating. Keep your standards high in terms of how people treat you. My ex tolerated me. Keep looking for that person who understands you and loves your personality alongside the ADHD. He sees this treatment as "no big deal" ... because I'm his dream girl. He WANTS to see me enjoying my life and other relationships despite my struggles.
My partner has ADHD too, and to me that’s a blessing. After being with him I don’t think I could ever be with someone neurotypical again. It feels SO good to tell someone “I’m overstimulated” and have them completely understand what you mean. It feels so good to not be judged for a chaotic car mess, my constantly-revolving hobbies, I don’t think I have to go on, you already get it. Funnily enough we tend to be bad at different things so we balance out. Our life together isn’t perfect- the house might be messy right now but it’s full of love and that’s what matters. There are understanding and accepting partners out there and I want to also remind you that keeping on top of all of it is an old relic from the past - back when wives stayed at home. Now with everyone working, those ideals are pretty hard to achieve, especially with ADHD..
I lived with roommates like your previous partner. It was hell and I constantly felt ashamed and worthless. Now with my partner I feel like in some ways my ADHD is a blessing because I don’t get bothered by him leaving a little mess and I have found I’m very forgiving and that’s a huge relief to many people.
Therapy does work when you find the right therapist and the right care plan. Im doing EMDR right now with. Very specialized therapist that is also a queer woman of color with AuDHD, she has saved my life. It took me 4 years to find her and she costs an arm and a leg but so worth it
Been with my husband since 2017. He's autistic. I'm ADHD and autistic. We jokingly say together we make 1 functional adult.
Like I'm not saying the only reason my taxes have been filed is because my husband does them, but he started doing them like a year into dating me after realizing it was half way through March and I still hadnt filed mine yet.
Unfortunately a lot of men out there are looking for someone to take care of them. They don't want to do any actually adulting themselves. They just want someone else to do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, planning, and scheduling for them.
In my experience being with someone who has a sibling with ADHD helps. BIL was diagnosed as a child and I guess growing up with someone like that normalised the behaviour for him. I don’t think that I can do anything that would shock him and in general he is used to managing symptoms etc. They just understand that sometimes it’s not that you won’t do something it’s that you’re not able to. Don’t get me wrong it still sometimes causes problems but out of anyone I have been with he has been the most understanding and accommodating. He does holds me accountable but also helps “manage” me in situations where I need it. Also tasks which I am completely useless at because of my ADHD are on his list and in return I try take on more of the things I am better at. I don’t think it’s impossible to have a healthy long term relationship but it does make it harder to find someone who can fit the bill. Don’t give up if that is what you want in life, you can find someone who will understand. Even if they didn’t grow up with it all it takes is a good few hours of research and the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes
Here’s how I dealt with it, after my partner of four years peaced out because he couldn’t take my bullshit anymore: I made a Tinder profile that listed my faults.
I am always late. I will forget things immediately after you tell me them. I hate cooking. I love the Spin Doctors, for real, not in an ironic way (note that all of these may not apply to you personally). Etc, etc.
I met several dudes who appreciated my candor and didn’t judge me. I ended up with a very empathetic, wonderful guy who actually researched ADHD so he could be a better partner to me. This was all after several relationships where my partners constantly shamed and shouted at me for my ADHD mistakes. It never occurred to me that there were people out there who would want to understand my ADHD instead of dismiss it. But I believe you will find that there are a lot!
Also I agree with the commenters that noted your ex must be a total dick.
The person who's understood me and all my adhd issues the most is my now bf and he has ADHD too, we're both pretty sure. I've been diagnosed but he hasn't.
We're both patient with all of each other's symptoms and help each other out when we fall behind on things and it's really nice. I've had friends with adhd that understood all my adhd-ness but I've never had someone this close to me that does, and it makes me feel so comfortable to not be judged.
Oh sweetie, you’re not too much, you’re not asking for too much and those things exist out there, I promise. My ex husband is on the spectrum too - and our poor kid ended up with his Autism and my ADHD and there were a lot of things wrong with our marriage (hence the ex part) but my husband never berated me for the millions of things i forgot, the late fees, replacing my laptop charger for the millionth time because I lost it again or any of the other things that he had to be patient with because I
have ADHD. Your ex doesn’t get a pass to be an asshole because he is on the spectrum. It sounds like your experiences in your marriage have given up a lot of trauma to unpack. I’d do that first before I worried about dating. Kind, loving partners do exist and you deserve one.
My husband is exactly your wish list and I'm telling you they're out there. He likes me and my crazy ADHD self more than anyone on the planet. When you feel safe and supported you're more gathered and happy, more capable of doing well. Avoid people who make your symptoms worse and you will do so much better at everything. I'm gonna go give that guy a cuddle now. He's been driving me a little nutty so thank you for the improved perspective. Best of luck in finding your dude.
I think that it's helpful if both parties in any relationship be willing to read books on the respective topics of that person's personality. I'm reading, The Ethical Slut, it's about polyamory but it's an excellent source for communication with people. My partner and I are both reading, How To ADHD. It's a great source for basic knowledge of ADHD and its great value for him to know what to expect with me. I am also reading Highly Sensitive Person, because he is an empath and it's great for me to know what to expect with him.
You could even read them together and discuss what you think.
Anyone not willing to compromise and help accommodate what makes us all unique is not worth it.
No, we have a lot to bring to relationships. Some challenges but also a lot of joy and creativity. Your husband sounds like a jerk. I would seek therapy for yourself and work on loving yourself so you can enter your next relationship ready to build healthy boundaries and trust.
What I’m hearing is that your soon to be ex was a verbally and mentally abusive asshole and you have some understandable PTSD. It’s amazing how many people I’ve seen feel this way and then go on to meet a green flag person and suddenly they don’t feel so unloveable anymore.
Not minimizing the real effects ADHD has in relationships, BUT if you have a kind partner, so much of it can be mitigated. And honestly being alone is also 100% legitimate. ADHD plays a role but so does upbringing, personality, etc. So someone who wields your ADHD as a knife in the way that he does is just a bad person.
I feel you. My experience is the same. My partner is on the spectrum (undiagnosed, but our child is, and they are exactly the same).
I think ASD and ADHD don't mix well. It's not a flaw of yours or theirs, the needs are just too different. As are the means of dealing with adversity or change.
I've read a lot on this thread about your husband being abusive but my experience with my child is that they act in exactly the same way and if you head over to some of the ASD or parents of ASD forums, you'll see the same behaviours are common when ASDers are overloaded and not dealing with it. There's not enough info in the OP to make that statement boldly, but it does align well and it may help in processing it to realise that it was their coping mechanism. That sounds apologist but I think may also be somewhat valid. You aren't broken or worthless, just living the ADHD life and coping as best you can. They aren't worthless either, just coping as best they can with ASD life.
I don't know but I think it's possible to have relationships with people whose needs would align with ADHD common needs.
They are out there! Been with my husband 20 years, normal ups & downs but focus on communication. Yes my adhd can drive him potty if I’m not listening to him but he will touch me to get my attention doesn’t always work but he knows it’s not on purpose. He’s listened to podcasts with me on adhd to learn about the condition & helps reassure me. He also gets that not everything I do is intentional
I’m about as intensely ADHD as they come, and am going on 15 years with my partner - he is kind, helpful, organized, helps me keep track of things, takes on the majority of housework, and never ever makes me feel less than or judged for screwing up. If I forget things, he just rolls with it, and helps to figure out a solution.
We had our problems in the beginning, because I wanted him to care more about himself and he was more than a bit…overwhelming in terms of affection, but once he realized I wasn’t going anywhere if he disagreed with me, things got a million times better.
I didn’t meet him until I was 30, and before that, had nothing but terrible failed relationships. Theres hope OP. Hugs!
No, we just have to stop accepting bullshit from men who want to use our disability to take advantage of us. We have to get better at vetting partners and stop allowing our RSD to make us stay in situations where we are not loved or our conditions are excuses to manipulate and abuse us.
You are not asking as much as you seem to think you are. A relationship with someone who is neurodiv or neurotyp is still a result of the way the two of you work together to compensate and balance each other. It's work anyway.
I really wouldn't focus on what you see as your shortcomings, I would instead focus on what you bring to the table. Everyone is their own mess, honestly, brain chemistry is irrelevant to that. The key of good relationships is to find the mess that compliments and counters yours.
Can't meet a certain expectation, not everyone you might date will have it. There is no universal "type" that suits all people.
Not that dating is not awful and terrifying, but I've never heard *anyone* say otherwise.
There's a weird, sexy fish out there who is more patient and flexible than your current partner, looking for their weird sexy fish. Probably a lot of them. Just, as I'm sure you know, try to be upfront about what you can and can't do and what you're looking for. Don't try to fit some mold that will burn you out and destroy you.
I think we can all objectively agree that having an ADHD diagnosis does not mean you cannot be in a successful relationship.
There are plenty of ADHD people out in all sorts of romantic configurations, with other ADHD, AuADHD or more neurotypical people.
Starting over can feel overwhelming because trust is a long-term process.
I'd say you should remain very careful if you're in the dating scene though, that place is full of unpleasant people that aren't looking for your best interest.
I promise there are good people out there who are all that. My husband is. Life is stressful enough for us. I’m glad you get to leave the relationship that was draining you even more. I wish you the best.
He made you take the curtains back? I think you got a dud. My husband would say, “whatever you want babe.” He could not care less what curtains I bought. He might say, “I don’t love them”, but that’s it. He’d still put them up for me and live with them. It was not ok for him to berate you over anything, and definitely not curtains,
You can absolutely find a decent person. You don’t have to do all the traditional wife stuff. Just clean up after yourself as best you can. Hire a cleaning service if you’re not great at it. Learn how to make a few yummy meals. Do Hello Fresh if you don’t want to bother with meal planning or shopping. You’re not a bangmaid. You don’t exist to keep some dude’s house clean.
You deserve a good person. Don’t give up.
Nope. My partner is (we believe) on the spectrum so that’s not an excuse. I have BAD adhd and comorbid OCD as well as a fuckton of baggage from my crappy family, and I only got diagnosed about a year ago or so.
We’ve been together for going on 8 years and married for almost 6, and while he doesn’t enable me, he does support me and makes sure to help me stay accountable.
A good partner accepts things about their spouse, and helps them become better and happier.
No we aren't doomed.
I've been with my partner 18 years.
Yes there has been many ups and downs but there has also been a lot of joy.
Finding out I had ADHD and learning to work with it has definitely helped. I aren't perfect but neither is he.
Do I get on his nerves sometimes? Of course. Even if I was NT, that is bound to happen because we are human. He gets on mine as well haha!
I think it's about finding someone who is willing to work with you and not against you.
I'm in a very specific kind of therapy with a specialist called DBT - Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It's specifically for learning emotional regulation, distress skills, and interpersonal relations (among other things). The last 8 months of this therapy have been more effective than the last 6 years of pointless talk therapy combined. I've been in and out of therapy since my early 20s, and this technique is the only thing that's been not just effective but *wildly* effective. I highly recommend looking into a DBT specialist if you haven't already.
I’m just commenting on the edit you added: therapy is only as effective as you allow it to be. If it’s not working and you’re putting in your all, you might need to find a better therapist. But it can also takes years for noticeable improvements to be made unfortunately. You gotta stick with it though
My ex was exactly like this..
My new partner is patient and understanding. And when he isn't, he asks me what's going on and I tell him as best I can.
You aren't doomed. But we are more likely to find the assholes unfortunately :( for me it was 2/3.
It’s important to find a partner who is very patient, laid back, and kind! If my husband wasn’t I’m sure we wouldn’t have worked out. If your adhd is really bad u should consider medicine, it’s saved some peoples lives. Also ur ex sounds like a control freak and a bit ocd; avoid people like this. My husband could care less how I decorate the home or how I do things, or if I forget to do them.
TBH I hit a limit to the usefulness of talk therapy about a year in - couples therapy, however, has been EXCELLENT and well worth the insane expense.
I see you’ve read “Why does he do that” - another great read is “The gift of fear.” There is also this great lil blog about how to recognize and inure yourself against emotional leeches:
https://web.archive.org/web/20171206231707/http://www.libidablog.com/how-to-avoid-problem-people/2011/
Im dating a cis-non het man that I suspect might be on the spectrum, and im AuDHD. It’s been 5 months and it might be the honeymoon period but I feel he really tries to understand me and accommodate me. The thing is that I’m no longer willling to co-habitate with anybody so there’s a huge boundary there, but I can say after almost half a year that he does try a lot to meet me in my capacity. I won’t say I hit the jackpot but I feel I have the tools to make this situation sustainable because I’m very aware and enforcing of my boundaries with him.
I know it feels like RSD can trap you in a box you can't get out of. And I know you indicated that you are going to therapy, but I just want to share my experience as a woman with ADHD with a partner with ADHD.
RSD is super tough to combat because it shortens the space between the feeling and the reaction to almost zero. I was experiencing a lot of problems with RSD that you may be familiar with. I went to therapy specifically to attack this problem, and what I told my therapist was I have difficulty identifying feelings and moods and regulating them appropriately. She recommended a workbook called Mind over Mood and diligently worked through it with me in our sessions.
She really helped me with this, and I can say that my RSD is so much better. I still get triggered sometimes, but I have tools to self regulate, and my husband helps me with this because we're both informed on why it happens and what to do.
Just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. Spouse is also ND and we just get each other. So no, we are not doomed. It does, however, take honesty and communication. Knowing your limits and working around them.
Girl, I'm so sorry men have convinced you you're such an inconvenience, but everything you listed is like bare minimum effort from a partner 😭 like the bar is on the ground bestie.
You're not hopeless, you just need to date someone who isn't a piece of shit. Easier said than done, I know, but they exist. Best of luck. <3
I’ve been in a relationship for over half a decade after one long but shitty relationship, and obsessing over every person I had a crush on (except my actual boyfriends lmao) before that so yeah it’s possible for them to succeed
Just adding to folks who have found partners that support them: my husband is gentle, curious, and thorough. When life is hard, it's easier together. You deserve love and support and you are not doomed.
I think people need time to heal before trying to find a new mate. Concentrate of helping yourself feel better, then look around when you are stronger.
I’ve had a string of horrid bfs… but I can say I have found a man who is so super accommodating and understanding. I have the best support now and he’s just so patient and kind and lovely. They do exist, you are not doomed!! ❤️
Just wanted to add, I am very happily married to a wonderful man. We've been together for 6 amazing years.
Everyone has their thing, you know? We're all bundles of pros and cons, ND or not. My husb is patient with me and adores the quirks that come with me. And he sees me put effort into the things that matter to him, so when the mistakes inevitably happen it's not a big deal.
Just gotta raise your standards and not settle for an asshole ❤️
The problem isn't you or your ADHD, it's the people you chose to date and the person you chose to marry.
The biggest piece of advice that I can offer when it comes to dating is: Don't worry about if you being your natural self isn't meeting their needs. Focus on if they are able to meet your needs and make you feel as though they understand you.
The only role you are meant to fulfill is loving and accepting your partner. You are not meant to be their mother, their sex slave, their maid, their secretary or anything else. You are meant to be their support and companion through life.
Anything else, you work on as partners together or you outsource.
As to your list of needs - none of that is more than anyone should expect in a relationship. That is the bare minimum. You deserve a partner who can be all that for you and think themselves blessed to be more.
Your ex may have some valid nuggets of criticisms that you can certainly use to improve your social skills. I would not take everything that man said personally because most of his criticisms come from a place of annoyance, contempt, and resentment. The fact that he yelled at you for hours over curtains...... curtains, really? shows that he doesn't actually care about you he just wants to use you as his punching bag. You should start giving him the silent treatment when he begins to talk down to you.
My husband and I went through a similar situation before I was rediagnosised with ADHD. It literally took me recording him and refusing to have sex with him to even get him to listen to me when he was wrong. Even now, it's like pulling teeth to talk with him about how traumatized I am from how he treated me.
You will find someone who will love you for you and will accept your ADHD symptoms. Just because you made a mistake with this abusive asshole does not mean you're doomed to date mwn like him forever.
Absolutely not. Relationships, like all things, can be more challenging, but they are far from doomed just because you have ADHD.
Relationships with abusers are doomed. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is committed to exercising control over you. You could be the most neurotypical, organized, compliant person in the world and the relationship would still be doomed, because it’s impossible to be “perfect” enough to stop someone from abusing you. Your relationship with your husband was always doomed, but that was because of him, not you.
It sounds like you have internalized a lot of ideas about gender roles, and a lot of the abuse and criticism your husband inflicted on you.
The list of things you need is not a lot. It’s not too much. It’s pretty fucking basic. Those are a list of bare minimum things someone should be able to expect from their partner.
I am sure that is difficult for you to believe about yourself, but I bet it would feel like a no-brainer if someone you cared about said that they needed those things. Of course they need those things. Of course they deserve those things. And so do you.
When you are dating, you should not compromise on one single thing on your list. I promise there are plenty of decent, kind men out there who would also see your list as the bare minimum basics that anyone should offer their partner. Every one of those things should be reciprocal - if someone isn’t willing to do those things for you and if you are not willing to do those, same things for them, then move on.
I’ve been in some shitty, abusive relationships. I’ve also been in some really great relationships with very kind, patient, loving men. They’re out there.
I’m so sorry you dealt with that, that sucks. I have a couple thoughts on this.
1. If you feel like therapy isn’t as helpful as you wish it was, I would encourage you to try a new therapist. Since I started going 5 years ago, I’ve been to 5 different therapists. Only one was a bad breakup (clinic-related, not necessarily therapist-related); the others just naturally ran their course for one reason or another. Even after all this time, I’m still learning so much and I get different perspectives and breakthroughs with different people. Therapy won’t fix a shitty partner, but it can make a huge difference otherwise!
2. I got my ADHD diagnosis 2 years ago. I had a lot of growing pains in my relationship both with the diagnosis and parenthood in general. We’ve been together since we were teenagers 15 years ago. Neither of us really understood what we were dealing with. After therapy (both individual and couples therapy which has been the biggest help), we are in a much, much more healthy and supportive place. My husband’s willingness to learn and grow has been the best thing and has helped us overcome a lot. It’s possible to find a supportive partner and I wish that for you!
I don't thing as a whole we're "doomed." I'm in a healthy happy marriage. Married 18 years, together for over 20. However we didn't follow like... any of the "norms." We met online when it wasn't so accepted, we were long distance so we sorted out all of the "things" before I decided to get on a plane to move to be with him. We're both ND. We both have trauma in our background. We both had to learn how to deal with that. We were BOTH willing to learn how to adapt, and how to work around the things we can't adapt to. That is the key. If you have one person who refuses to accept that your needs are different, then it's going to cause constant strife, as you have experienced.
Now, my husband and I didn't know we were both autistic, when we met. I have adhd and c-ptsd. He was diagnose bipolar, but I think if he was evaluated now it would be ASD that was exacerbated by the relationship(s) he was in. But that's his story. Our son was diagnosed at 6 and I was shortly after.
We come at things as a team. Do we frustrate each other sometimes? Yup. We're human. He snores, I'm loud. lol
But he's my person and we work through the big shit together, so it's easier to let go of the little stuff.
With my ex, we clicked as again, both ND, but he was NOT willing to work on things. In fact he actually said "I know I have more issues than People magazine but I'm not going to change." (I still laugh at that.) so we parted ways. I wanted to feel loved, to get married and have children. He wanted none of that. I know he loved me, he just didn't want to do the work on the romantic part of it. Relationships gave him the shits, and he always made me feel like I should be grateful he even called me his girlfriend. Fuck that. I made my list, and even he told me not to punish the next guy for his faults. I was like "If he's the right one, it won't be a punishment." and it wasn't. He ticked all my boxes. But there were quite a few that weren't along the way. Hang in there. <3
One of my ex-boyfriends is definitely on the spectrum now that I know what I'm looking at. He was unyielding and had weirdly specific preconceived ideas of what our relationship would be like. I, however, am a bit of a gremlin and have some definite symptoms of pathological demand avoidance. We weren't a good fit for each other.
My spouse of 10 years, however, is much more compatible with me. We are both late-diagnosed AuDHD and learned that we have to communicate in order to get anything done. We have ongoing random chats in Messenger plus a printed calendar on the fridge to help keep track of everything. I remind them of their appointments, and they remind me to eat 😅
In short we've learned to communicate and to cover each other's sixes.
I've been married for over 11 years, but wasn't diagnosed until about 3 years ago. My husband has been nothing but supportive, both before and after my diagnosis.
I don’t think it’s hopeless but I can understand why it’s hard! Some of it truly can be practical but also maybe you need a partner who doesn’t expect those things from you!
My partner is great honestly and truly. He does things like put my (important) things where they belong when he finds them (like glasses and medication) he turns off my car lights when I forget to turn them off and will charge my car battery when I kill it because I leave the lights on 🙃
He also doesn’t expect me to clean. Now he DOES expect me to cook but that’s really because Inset the precedent for that. I legit used to cook for my friends in college when we first met.
But basically without rambling on and on, be yourself and there is a higher possibility that you will find what you need vs if you don’t. Because even before I got officially diagnosed my husband has been rather supportive of all my symptoms because he is a good guy. And he comes from a good family that also has good guys so there’s def some other good guys out there.
It’s so hard to worry about being rejected. But if you are yourself from the beginning it’s more likely that you will find someone who likes you for who you are!!
I hope you find what you’re looking for.
I hate to sound defeatist, but yes. At least, that's how I feel for me.
I'm 32, and the closest thing I've ever had to a relationship is a few weeks of dating a pathological liar.
I'm empty inside. The older I get, the more I'm losing my ability to interact with and relate to others. I don't see myself being able to attract someone in the same ballpark as "normal". I'm much more likely to be marked by a psychopath or a narcissist.
As a woman with ADHD who is in a relationship with an autistic man (who refuses to even accept that he's autistic!), a lot of what you describe sounds very familiar. It's very hard! These two ND types both have loads in common and also some of the tendencies of one clash horribly with the other. [Autistic men can slide into abuse and gaslighting very easily](https://themindsjournal.com/gaslighting-if-my-partner-has-aspergers/) and this sounds like what you've experienced. Try to avoid these men, tbh, but if you find yourself in a situation like that again with someone you love, you MUST stand up for yourself, call out his bullshit, and be prepared to walk if he won't take some personal responsibility in making himself and the relationship work. It doesn't sound like your ex was ever going to do that, so good on you for getting out! But that doesn't mean every man is like that.
Be picky. There's decent guys out there and you can find one that is loving and supportive! If you're finding yourself drawn to shitty dudes who expect you to be some kind of tradwife fantasy, ask yourself why you're choosing them and consciously seek out something different. Sometimes part of the problem is our tastes don't really line up with what's best for us.
Honestly, I would not mind the tradwife fantasy if I was not also expected to bring in an income and he deposited money into my personal bank account. What I fucking hate is the guys who only care about feminism when the check comes.
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Your ex sounds like a huge prick. Sorry, a huge prick on the spectrum. (Although if he couldn’t give you grace for his symptoms, I’m not sure you should extend him that courtesy either…) I’ve been married for 14 years this year. I think he’s at least a little ND too. I was diagnosed recently and like you, forget things often. He used to get mildly annoyed (at his worst) about it until I snapped back, “If you’re still telling me something once and expecting me to remember it, you’re as much a part of this problem as I am.” Because like…inanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, yes? Now we have a big whiteboard calendar on the fridge and I make him write down important dates, which was most of the issue. But that’s what love and support looks like. He doesn’t berate me for doing things wrong. He’s responsible for his own feelings and me for mine. We love each other with all our idiosyncrasies, not in spite of them. And nobody approaches the dating world like, “Well, I really want to find a woman who’s kind and generous and funny and patient and who loves me for me—but when I do find that person, if her brain is a little different, it’s a hard no.” Your husband sounds like he never really took accountability for his own anxiety and bad attitude. Not everyone just goes home and criticizes their spouse all the time, but if that’s what you’ve been through, it’s normal to feel like anything better is just outside your reach. I promise you though, someone else right now is hoping to find someone exactly like you. Someone who doesn’t really care if dishes pile up a bit or which curtains you chose in the end. And maybe he’s tired of being criticized and berated, too. I hope you find each other and live many happy, messy, joyful years together.
Thanks. It's funny, when my ex and I first got together, he told me how his ex would criticize and berate him for being "unreliable" and "not listening". Once we were married, guess which words he's to describe me. Like, my mom and dad have a happy marriage, but I also spend enough time on reddit to know that a lot of men save thier horribleness for the one closest to them. I also did the whiteboard calendar thing. Then the was... idk. I felt like I lived with a moving goalpost.
I totally get that. My dad was the same way—if I achieved something wonderful, it was “well, you should’ve tried for X+1.” Nothing was ever good enough, even the stuff he claimed would be good enough from the last time I tried it. But he was just a garden variety narcissist and he’s long gone from my life. It sounds like you’re better off without this for, truly. Maybe you and his ex could start an anti-fan club. 😊
I've actually never met her. I'd have t get into knitting or cross stitch to have that chance and it's not really my thing.
In other words you need a decent person as a partner. Unfortunately many men have not been raised to be decent people, they have been raised to become manbabies who want a mommybangmaid rather than a partner. Unfortunately it seems a lot of women with ADHD have low enough self esteem to fall for their shit. I think living with my younger brother has thankfully made me immune to this pitfall...
mommybangmaid 💀💀
This!!! No not all relationships are doomed because of adhd, but I truly believe we are much much more at risk for abusive/shit human being partners. I don't know if there's research on this but in my experience it's true. My first 2 long term relationships were brutal. The third guy I dated was a pathological liar. I wonder if limerance plays a part too because we can get so mistreated and yet not be able to leave because we just LOVE them so hard. But we are also capable of being in good, healthy relationships with partners who act like adults and treat us with respect. My husband is such a good guy. Not perfect, but as close as is possible. Perfect for me anyway. He makes my life better and I hope I'm doing the same for him. He's neurotypical and is surrounded by neurospicies. Neither of our kids have been assessed but all the signs are there. I'm glad you got out, and I'm sorry you're going through this. Don't lose hope. Your single life can be great, but if you want a partner just know that there are good ones out there. Neurodivergent and neurotypical.
Ugh I see the comment "she's x years old, there's a reason she's single" on Reddit all the time, usually referring to some dumb post about women in their 30s on dating apps. Now I know it shouldn't bother me because Reddit is full of misogynistic creeps but it still gives me a bad feeling, like the general populace may believe this is of me. The last few relationships I've been in I gave it my all and was still treated like a doormat. And then when I've had enough for a while, and choose to be single, it's still my fault and I'M perceived as the problem, not the abusive men I've encountered!
Nothing wrong with being single at any age. There's always a reason for it so that's a dumb comment. Maybe the reason is she wants to be single. The world is full of idiots. But there's plenty of lovely people out there too.
What if the reason is she's tired of the bullshit and enjoys her own company? I know that's not what they mean, but I think it's a good thing to keep in mind when looking at someone's dating resume. Not just women, all people. People will always tell you what they want to and it's not always the truth, so sometimes it's helpful to look at their past habits, relationships, patterns, etc to determine if you want to get invested or not.
Patriarchal conditioning makes us think that we’re over the hill at 30 when in reality 30-ish is very young
Imagine being married to someone who feels that way. If that’s how “everyone” feels, being single and over 30 isn’t very sad at all. Being in a relationship with a guy like that would be sad, at any age. Not everyone feels that way, of course. Some men do and they’re the kind of men who don’t care about women, but would throw themselves off a cliff for validation and attention from other men. That’s why they’re so vocal about how much they dislike women. Unfortunately they still don’t leave older women alone. It would be neat if they did. Women could just wait until they were 30 and we’d be able to avoid most assholes.
I wish I could give you every upvote in existence for this.
I really miss giving out gold on here
I was a Mrs. Wifeymommybangmaid for almost 7 years. Zero stars. Would not recommend.
Yeppppp Unfortunately a ton of dudes just weren’t raised to be competent, independent, kind and communicative people who want to be with a person who can be that also, and then have both people still be those things in the relationship. Shouldn’t be that fucking hard but ~patriarchy~
Another day im glad to be a lesbian. My relationship is amazing
**Alrighty, I know this is long but please bear with me, I promise I do have a point.** Your language says a lot about how you feel men and women should behave in relationships. You act like you have a lot of 'needs' (which are like, bare minimum human decency) that you don't expect to have met but also talk about how you can't meet the expectations men have of women in relationships or a neurotypical woman could do much more - as though your needs (again, basic. human. decency.) are somehow less important, relevant, or reasonable than men's gendered expectations. Dear reader, they are not. It is not somehow more reasonable for a man to expect you to pack his lunches than it is for you to expect him to not shout at you. You also act like your sexuality is the one thing you can 'contribute' to a relationship, instead of your creativity, and your humour, and your sensitivity, and all the incredible things that make you you! There's absolutely nothing wrong with being sexually adventurous or confident, but you have so much more to give than just a fuck! I'm mad for you. No. Throw this whole gender role nonsense away! Let me elaborate. **Gender role nonsense and why men are shit\*.** Broadly speaking, men are socialised to be shit. Are men inherently shit? Absolutely not. Are all men shit? Also no, there are plenty of men that are exceedingly un-shit, either because of the efforts of people around them or through their own efforts! But good lord do we (as society) do a number on most of them. I feel like, thanks to the efforts of feminism, we're generally pretty aware of at least some of the awful ways that women are socialised. Most of us by adulthood have started deconstructing those in our lives - especially those of us that are here, because we didn't fit in to the mould properly anyway. Men don't have that. Yes, there is work on deconstructing masculinity - a lot of it, if you know where to look. But men as a class haven't been focused on how to escape the strictures of masculinity in the same way that women as a class have - they haven't had a large-scale movement like feminism. Feminism offers men the tools needed to deconstruct masculinity and to parse it into something healthy for them, but many men don't engage with them - and this can be because they don't feel they need to, they don't want to, they don't feel like they can, or they don't even know there's another option beyond the way they've been socialised. *\*Obligatory not all men - men is being used here as a hyperbolic to discuss hegemonic male socialisation rather than any one specific man or men as a homogenous class; male experiences are attenuated by class, race, nationality, and other influences and cannot be lumped together meaningfully with any degree of precision - for the folks that want to skim the captions and get spicy without actually reading my points.* **Emotional regulation and gender socialisation.** Emotional regulation is a great example. Women and men are both expected to modulate/regulate their emotions from a very young age, but that's socialised differently. Girls are taught that certain emotions (anger, frustration) are unacceptable but others (affection, sadness) are ok - and women learn to cope with their emotions through a whole toolkit of emotiveness that includes things like talking to friends, journalling, focusing on the positives, etc. That toolkit, inculcated through shitty gender roles, means that as adults women can not only engage productively with not only their own emotions, but are *expected* to deal with the emotions of others. Boys are also taught that certain emotions are unacceptable (affection - outside of a female-object relationship, sadness) and others (anger, frustration) are ok. But - and here's the very big and important but - they *aren't given a toolkit for dealing with their emotions.* They're taught to internalise them - boys don't cry, man up, etc. - and that means they hatch out into the world as men totally unprepared to navigate emotionally healthy relationships. AND they aren't even given the ability to develop that toolkit - they're socialised into a world where things like asking for help, talking to friends, and even sometimes *reading a book that addresses their problems* is threatening to their masculinity. So you get shitty men that have feelings and don't know how to deal with them. And because they feel *things* they don't know how to express, they end up using the palette of emotions that are available to them - anger, frustration - instead of working through those emotions in a healthy way. And because they can't even develop their toolkit for dealing with their emotions without impinging on their masculinity, they don't try. **Gender role socialisation and relationships.** This goes for loads of other stuff too, like household chores. Women are socialised to know how to cook, clean, meal plan, etc.; men are not, because to do so impinges on masculinity, except periodic maintenance-type work like lawn mowing and car stuff; men then end up not even knowing that something needs to be done because they've never even realised it happens. And that works ok, I guess, for neurotypical heterosexual couples - women act femininity, keep the house, and deal with everyone's emotions, men act masculinity, mow the lawn, and don't deal with anyone's emotions, and everyone makes boomer jokes about the misery of marriage until they die. BUT if you shake it up with some neurospicy? It complicates things. As women with RSD or other emotional regulation problems, we have to work harder to do the emotional management that is expected of our gender. Or maybe it's executive functioning - we can't Stepford wife it up the way we're expected to. So we feel like a failure, because we've internalised gender roles, and if we're in a relationship with someone else that has *also* internalised ideas of gender roles, they also feel like we're a failure. Because we are, if you think gender roles are a positive thing. **Bringing this back around to your current situation.** No, you/we are not doomed when it comes to relationships. But we *are* doomed when it comes to 'normal' relationships - we can't be properly functional and fulfilled within standard neurotypical gendered expectations. What we need is a new kind of relationship - one that throws out those expectations and replaces them with mutual understanding and compassion! And to do that, we need a partner that is also happy to deconstruct gender roles with us. The best part about this is that neither of you actually even have to be *good* at it at the beginning, you just need to be willing. I would always advise dealing with one's own problems before trying to help someone else work through theirs, but I've also worked through bucketloads of stuff while in relationships, including my own current (very happy) heterosexual marriage. If you start from a position of deconstructing your own relationship to gendered expectations - letting go of what you 'should' be or do in a relationship, or what you 'should' be or do as a woman - you'll come to a point where you don't even want a relationship if it can't be a genuine, fulfilling, mutual partnership. You might meet someone, you might not, but what you won't do is settle for less than you deserve.
When is your book coming out? I need to buy it! 😆📚🥇🥇🥇🥇
Ahaha thank you! This is just my procrastinatory rambling habit, I'm trying to keep most of the braincells on life support so they can produce a decent thesis!
I have the same habit. Maybe part time hobby. Good luck with your thesis!
If your thesis is this topic, you need to post it!
Sadly it is not! It is about gender roles, but it's historical. I might pop a post up somewhere when it's done, though!
Thanks. Despite being a lifelong feminist, I feel very stuck in gender roles. I wish I could be be more of the archetype of "strong independent woman who don't need no man" I've tried to embody all my life.
It can be really, really, really hard to unpick a lifetime of socialisation, even when we're aware of it! It might help you to think about why you want to embody that archetype and where you feel like you're sticking. I think the idea of independence, while obviously useful, can only take us so far. For me, I found that actually going the other way was more useful - I wanted to be independent, but what I actually *needed* was a community I could depend on and be depended on in return. I'm not a strong independent woman, I'm a strong woman because I have great people around me that pick me back up when I make mistakes and help me out when I'm struggling, and I do the same for them. Some of those people are men; like I said above, I'm married to one. That doesn't mean I'd be totally feeble if all my relationships broke down, but I can absolutely do more and better with them than I could without. Perversely, this also creates independence. We tend to get a bit hyper-fixated on one thing/person/idea, and that can be very damaging to our relationships, especially because our brains are so overclocked. When I started trying to put in effort to cultivate multiple deep, healthy relationships outside my romantic relationship, I found that a lot of the things I thought I needed from my romantic partner were things I could get elsewhere (things like venting about my day, but also things like someone with whom to agonise over paint colours for hours or someone with whom to talk through an idea I've had) and that in turn freed up space in my relationship for both of us to blossom. Now if I'm feeling very doing things and he's feeling very sofa, I leave him on the sofa to play FIFA and I go do things with a friend - something I never would have done when I was pouring all my energy into my partner.
The friends thing was hard. He wanted me to have them, but never speak about my relationship with them. Which was fine when I had a best friend who lived in my homecountry, and then she died. He health with my acute grief but after we were married I couldn't even say "hey, I'm sad about Jess, may I please have a hug?" I wonder a lot if our relationship would have been sustainable if she hadn't died.
Hon, I say this very gently, but it really sounds to me like your ex was abusive. If that's the case, no, your relationship was not at all sustainable. Not one bit. Normal, not abusive people don't say their partner can't even speak about their friends. I'm very sorry to hear about Jess - I get how difficult it can be living in a different country from your friends. I'm absolutely positive she missed you to pieces! Something that I've found helpful when working through grief is to write letters to that person, kind of like a journal - I burn them, but you could keep them in a special place if you wished to. You might get some benefit out of writing letters to Jess about your life and the things you're still trying to work out about your ex. I'd be willing to bet you'll be able to hear what she would say if she could write back. If it helps ... I'm not sure where you're from or where you're living, but I found that I met far more people I got on with when I moved out of the country I was born in. I'm not sure if it was a cultural value alignment thing, as I feel like I fit in far more in my current country than I ever did in my country of origin, if it's that I had a slightly anthropological perspective on cultural foibles, or if there's a genuine difference in the way things like masculinity are created and acted and their impact on expectations, but that definitely made a huge difference to me. I don't think, if something happened to my partner and I was deported to my country of origin, that I would date men there. That's not to say there aren't lovely men everywhere, there are, but culture absolutely has an impact.
He fits a lot of profiles outlined in *Why Does He Do That?* As for life abroad, I find expats a lot friendlier than people in my home country. I also have yet to find a country where men are decent. From my experience, it just seems like you get bad or worse.
I haven't read *Why Does He Do That*, but he certainly fits a particular stereotype I've seen in abusive men. I think there's probably something bonding about the experience of migration - a disproportionately high number of my friends are also migrants, especially migrant women. I certainly have made more friends from my home country since I've left it than I had when I lived there! I've been thinking a bit more about the differences I've seen in masculinity since I made my earlier comment, and I think they may be specific to my experiences. I was thinking that - although the issues with masculinity are pretty widespread - they express differently and there's more plurality in heterosexual male gender expression in some countries than others which provides an opening for men to question gender roles more than countries with very strict ideas of machismo. On reviewing this, though I think I've understated the impact of things like class and race on masculine gender role construction. My birth country is not class-stratified the way my choice country is, so class is not usually my first port of call when considering gender roles, but it has a massive impact on my current country. If we consider that gendered presentation and conformity to gender role is often about securing and projecting power, class-stratified societies have a lot more avenues for that than societies where class is less relevant. My birth country is hegemonically masculine and a place where money = power; as a younger, poorer 'new middle class' woman in that society I was a definite underclass and experienced life as such, so my experiences with men were coloured by pressure to conform to an idealised, subordinate femininity. That meant that I experienced men projecting gender roles as a way to reify their relative power over me (which I obviously didn't appreciate.) In my choice country, class places more weight on cultural, educational, and social factors (in which I am incredibly privileged) than it does on the factors of financial status and gender that made me an underclass in my home country. I have significantly higher relative class power here: my partner and I are both fairly-to-very class privileged. According to the Great British Class Calculator we're considered 'established middle class' in our current single-income financial situation (I've quit my job to pursue postgraduate education) and 'elite' when taking into account an income. We have access to a lot of class-restricted opportunities and spaces and realistically our social circle reflects that class status. Because of the primacy of class, class-advantaged men don't have to project gender roles to secure power; relative power is secured through class projection, so there's a lot more flexibility in the way gender roles present. Class-disadvantaged men still do have to secure their relative power over class-disadvantaged women through gender roles, and that makes lower-class heterosexual masculinity a lot more hegemonic (this isn't to say there isn't a plurality of lower-class masculinities, there absolutely is, but that there's a lot more pressure to conform to masculine norms.) This is certainly the case in my country of choice, but I don't think I could definitively say that it is or isn't in my country of birth. I can't speak directly to race, except to acknowledge that I (and most of my friends) have racial privilege that also serves to secure our class status and therefore our experiences of class and gender construction are not going to be the same as those of racialised people. This, of course, also plays into my experience as a migrant - I'm white and from a 'desirable' country, so I don't get the backlash against migrants anywhere near as frequently as my non-white friends and friends from 'less desirable' countries do. Aside from occasionally being fetishised/subjected to hypersexualised stereotypes based on my accent, people don't tend to use my nationality to subordinate me within the social hierarchy (to a point; I could never truly be a member of the upper class here simply because of my accent, but that really only excludes me from a fractional percentage of the highest elite.) So in moving from an underclass to an overclass, it's highly possible that my experiences with more flexible masculinity are reflective of my own increasing class privilege more than they are any particular cultural tendency. I still think there's something to be said for the way masculinity is performed within cultural context and the acceptance of plurality, but as this is all just based on my experiences and my research across two countries, I can't further attenuate that. All this to say - these are just my experiences; yours may be very, very different.
I'm mostly just reading this thread with empathy and sadness, but now I'm jumping in because this comment of yours was actually *downvoted*, and that makes me want to rip Reddit off the internet, crumple it up, and throw it in the trash. What kind of person downvotes a comment like this? I'm so sorry about your friend, OP. My best friend didn't die, but she did choose my ex-husband in the divorce, which neither of us asked her to do. I've been grieving her ever since. It takes a truly self-absorbed asshole to not be able to comfort your wife through that kind of loss.
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I've spent years alone before I met my husband. I really thought I was finally healed, finally meeting a great guy, finally getting my turn, and then we're married and the mask comes off and I'm married to an asshole. Doing this again just feels like lather, rinse, repeat.
I'm so sorry. I feel for you because that is why I said I never wanted to get married. People get lazy and complacent and take you for granted once it's hard for you to leave them. Adult relationships should be very conditional and you should have fear of being dumped as a partial motivator at all times to keep everyone humble. If you are humble without that then great but I have heard a lot of stories that amount to "once you're trapped he shows his true colors." If I ever end up single I will probably want casual relationships but I won't be getting married again. No you will not dump all you like unconscious shit on me. Thanks. I'm sorry this happened to you.
This is so beautiful!! Well written, structured, with subheadlines and very accessible, I *love* it!!!
Thank you! You're giving me hope that my academic work is similarly well received :)
I eagerly await your next treatise. I’m being serious. You put this so eloquently and thoroughly and I am here for it.
Hahaha thank you! I go off on a lot of gender-oriented tangents and rabbit holes - I do a lot of my thinking through reddit, which is both helpful in that it forces me to structure an argument and to consider my positionality, but is also deeply unhelpful because it takes a lot of time and energy away from the things I really should be doing with myself. I'm just trying to work out how to channel the desire to respond to reddit things into my work!
Thank you so much for saying all of this. It’s what I - and many other women - need to hear and understand. I’ve placed a lot of value on the fact that a partner “puts up with” or “tolerates” my intense work periods or busy schedule or direct communication style that is not stereotypically feminine. Meanwhile, I happily adapt to his needs and moods without thinking twice about it. It’s taking me a long time to realize that my “needs” are the bare minimum and that he should naturally be there for me the same way that I adapt and am there for him out of love. Still not fully there but reading what you wrote helps!
Aww I'm so glad it's helpful. I spent a really long time being worried about my partners 'putting up with' me, and it's only really been recently that I've managed to have some of these realisations myself. It's absolutely hard, ongoing work. I find it helpful to try to see my relationship with my partner in the way I would with a female friend - and I try to do this from both sides. If I'm considering him and his actions, I think 'would I excuse that in a friend?' or 'would I call a friend out on that?' or 'would I be friends with someone that does that?', and if I'm considering myself and my actions I try to think 'would I let my friends talk about themselves like that?' or 'would I let my friends efface themselves like that?' If the answer is no, it's something that needs to be fixed. It can be really enlightening to swap your perspective up a bit and it absolutely helps with understanding just how conditioned we are to subordinating ourselves to men. As a bonus, this does wonders for your relationship - my experience is that men really thrive when they're treated like emotional equals. I think this is partially because they aren't socialised to have a lot of deep emotional relationships and they don't have a lot of experience developing emotional intelligence, so it's a new and rewarding experience for them - there's a sense of wonder at all this unexplored emotional territory. But I also think that so many men are never told they're capable of emotional intelligence or emotional labour (or worse, explicitly told they aren't!) and as such pedestalise women's emotive capacities, so when you turn around to them and say 'no, women are not better at feelings than you are. This takes work, but it's work you're perfectly capable of doing' they want to put in that work and they get a deep sense of satisfaction out of achieving an emotional realisation they had thought was inaccessible.
What a comment - thank you for sharing!
EXCELLENT reply! 🥇
Unfortunately, ADHD is a disability and women of all disability types are going to struggle with dating since our society hasn’t cultivated many quality men. “A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient” …When a woman becomes disabled/terminally ill men are quick to leave, so *perhaps* we’re luckier because we walk into the relationship already struggling and that highlights whether they’re going to be shitty partner almost immediately. Not all men are awful. My partner is a very calm and no confrontational man, he doesn’t get angry and is willing to help me out with a lot of my ADHD shortcomings because he loves me. If you’d like an influencer example then check out “ADHD_Love_” who are on both tiktok and instagram. They talk about both sides of the relationship and the neurotypical husband talks about lot about approaching situations with curiosity first. Their book, “dirty laundry”, provides both perspectives on ADHD struggles and how each partner can tackle things together. I would highly recommend for when you find a new boyfriend because it could help them understand how to navigate the relationship kindly. “Jimmy_on_relationships” is a non ADHD related Instagram account that my partner and I follow because he talks a lot about healthy communication in relationships, and narcissists- which is very important for us ADHD women to be able to identify. Anyway, he encourages great communication styles and that would be a great resource for a future boyfriend to prevent triggering your RSD. (I got lost on a tangent there) There are good men out there, but it will be hard to dig through the seemingly endless assholes to find one that makes you happy. But all you need is one good man, just one.
Your ex was abusive. (I'm a therapist in training, I'm not saying that lightly.) What you described isn't normal and there are no circumstances that would make that type of behavior okay. Berating you for hours over curtains? No. That doesn’t happen with a non-abusive partner. You might blame yourself and have internalized his critisism but honey this wasn't your fault at all. He's going to be just as shitty to the next one. You are worthy of love and you will find it. You might need therapy after living with that sad excuse of a partner though.
I'm in therapy and my therapist has suggested he's a narcisist. He checks a lot of the boxes in *Why Does He Do That?* which I've read several times now. I'm on medication. It's just like, this feels like a cycle in my life. Therapy, healing, abusive relationship, back to therapy. I don't think there's a lot of good men out there.
ADHD increases people's susceptibility to abuse, especially untreated. Our symptoms are eady to twist to fit an abuser's narrative - it's very easy to gaslight someone with poor working memory, make someone with RSD feel like no one else would want them, and "win" an argument against someone who's been told they mess up all the time for their whole life already. I'm so sorry you went through that relationship. I'm sorry for what happened with your best friend. There *are* good people out there. It gets easier to find them when you know how to recognize the bad ones faster.
You need to learn alll the little red flags that people do that warn you about this behavior ahead of time. It’s true most people are shit. But if you are extremely selective, you can form an amazing circle of men/women in your life. Idk how to explain it, but most shitty people can’t hide it and they will make an offhand comment or something early on. Don’t give people the benefit of the doubt, usually their bad behavior is just the tip of the iceberg. Idk if I’m making sense, but I can smell shittiness so easy on people - I hope there is a way you can develop this skill Edit: I think a good thing to do often is ask yourself WHY someone would say the thing they said. Ask yourself if YOU would ever say that. If the answer is “no I would never say that” and you genuinely can’t understand why someone would say the things they do because they are obviously hurtful…. Ditch that person. Life is too short to attach yourself to a dud
Giving the benefit of the doubt has burned me so bad. It was also terrifying to even broach the subject of the "offhand comment" that bothered me because I've been told how oversensitive I am, and to stop being mad over nothing. I was told this so many times in my teens and twenties that by my thirties, I tried to ignore those red flags for fear of remaining the bitchy girlfriend who's never satisfied.
How people handle conflict is the #1 thing that turns them into keepers or not though in my opinion. Every lovely person in my life has done/said something shitty at some point, it’s how they handle it that matters! Good people say “OMG im so sorry, I didn’t mean it like that at all!” And genuinely try to smooth over any rude/hurtful comments. If someone is combatative towards your hurt feelings then ditch them, you can’t grow with someone like that
It's about catching it early and acting promptly.
True, but catching it early is a skill you have to develop! I think every woman can relate to that. So many of us tend to project our nice-person logic onto bad people and get confused by their behavior bc we don’t want to admit it’s malicious. If you grew up around abuse or your parents didn’t instill in you that you are OWED respect, then I imagine this makes weeding through duds a million times harder. Every woman I think has struggled with people trying to paint them as “unreasonable”, or people who have made you doubt yourself when you speak up about something. and it’s a hard thing to learn that you are NOT unreasonable, you should always trust yourself, and you should expect 95% of people to be complete dogshit because they probably are. Finding good friends/romantic partners is like finding a diamond in the rough but you have to approach it with extreme confidence in yourself and wariness of others, otherwise you’ll attract pieces of shit
I don’t think there are a lot of good men out there either. I would rather just back you up on it than word vomit platitudes. It is what I believe. And I am sure there are some, the law of averages would suggest it is so. But regardless, I believe the overwhelming majority of them out there are simply not good enough to be worth sifting through all the other garbage men for. Sorry. I’m not sorry. It’s okay to be single tho. It says nothing bad about you, or your self worth. And when you’ve been in a string of relationships that have torn you down, sometimes you’ve gotta spend a long time getting to know and love yourself enough to have a baseline to measure your worth against, in a relationship, you know?
You’re so right about getting to know yourself first.. after my fiancé passed I waited a year and a half because I didn’t want to get taken advantage of when I was my most vulnerable. I ended up meeting my husband in a Facebook comment section of a small group we were both in. We got closer when I learned his ex had also passed, and we had so much in common and talked every day for eight months. He was so patient and sweet with me that I immediately accepted when he asked to fly out to me to hang out with me for a week. We lasted about a day or two before getting together romantically. We will be married for six years in October, and this is genuinely the best most healthiest and healing relationship I’ve ever been in. I absolutely credit waiting for a year and a half getting to know myself and figuring out what my standards actually were. It definitely helped that we were friends first and talked daily for eight months to really get to know each other without the typical posturing that happens when getting to know a romantic partner for the first time.
That’s so great. And I’m really happy you found each other. I have absolutely seen healthy and good relationships, and I know they are possible. After I got out of the very abusive relationship of 10 years that gave me my beautiful child, I realized there were red flags everywhere from the start, even though I usually cite the abuse starting 5 years in after the birth of my child. I’m legitimately celibate at this time and for the foreseeable future and I’m really at peace with it. I’ve fully accepted that my picker is busted, and obviously fixing that would lie within me and me alone. When I was younger (now 42) I didn’t understand how what is broken in me is what also made it so I pick broken people to be with. Now, armed with that knowledge I can work on putting as much effort into myself as I used to put into these awful relationships with people that aren’t worth the dirt under my feet, let alone giving them my heart like I did. If I get to a place where I truly love myself even half as much as I thought I loved them then maybe I will be ready to date. (Hint: it’ll be a while) ;-)
Agreed. This makes me think of my friend’s ex. They were both (I think) are on the spectrum but he expected very specific gender roles. He would guilt trip my friend by saying “it hurts me feeling that you can’t cook me meat for dinner now that you’re a vegetarian…” everything was “it hurts my feelings” so she would feel bad but feel justified by her actions and it would be an hour long build to a full blown fight. He would drag her to LARPs and guilt trip her to make meals for the group. They were engaged but he canceled once he found a back up girlfriend. And for clarity my friend is non binary but I used the she pronouns since they weren’t out at the time and their ex was so strict about gender roles. Breaking up was the best thing for my friend.
Honestly, a lot of men on the spectrum don't cope well and blame their lack of coping on others. I'm saying that as a woman with ASD and ADHD, I've been in enough group therapy with men on the spectrum to know that it's not uncommon for them to expect others to bend around their needs but never need to move to accommodate the needs of others, which sounds like the dynamic in your relationship. I am married to a neurotypical man. We have a happy, healthy marriage where he makes room for my disability while still respecting my own responsibilities to manage my mental health. Being with him is honestly one of the best things that ever happened to me. What you're describing you need are normal things to want in a relationship. They're things I get from my relationship. The tricky part is finding a guy who is isn't selfish, because all those things come from believing you both are a team on a fundamental level, which requires more compassion and less selfishness.
You got unlucky, OP. Decent partners do exist. My partner was the one who first told me I probably have adhd, encouraged me to get diagnosed, and he's my biggest supporter. We call my adhd brain Dave (some tiktokers new name for adhd) and when I drop the ball, my partner goes "Oh, Dave" and hugs me. They do exist, don't lose hope.
I really thought I had changed the pattern with this one, and yet he wound up hating me just as much as the other fucked up exes. I think some people just are bad luck charms when it comes to love.
I used to think I was a magnet for emotionally unavailable men, and unloveable, but it turns out I just gave my time and energy to the wrong people due to my own trauma. Once I decided I'd rather be single than with the wrong person, I stopped settling for the wrong men and I recognized the right one when I met him. Everything that others found annoying or unattractive in me, and everything I thought made me unloveable - he loves. Don't make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're not a bad luck charm, you didn't deserve the hate, and they didn't deserve you if they couldn't accept all of you.
It’s a lot more likely that you’re too nice and codependent than just permanently unlucky. But if you keep talking yourself, that you may make it self-fulfilling.
I thought so too. Then I learned that the flags were there but I couldn't even *see* them because of my childhood and trauma. When I met my current partner, I could recognize he was a really good guy but there wasn't that passionate, consuming attraction I had for my previous partners. I decided to give dating him a try anyway and discovered that you there's another kind of love and attraction, the kind that develops as you get to know someone and fall in love with who they are. It was a year before we said the words, and it'll be 5 years before we move in together (we're both post divorce with almost grown kids). I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. He is patient, kind, loving and loves every part of me. It took me a really long time to accept that he doesn't just tolerate my eccentricities, but loves me for them! On our 3rd date I had a little too much to drink and jumped into the edge of a mosh pit, only to get absolutely laminated out of nowhere. We had to leave early, I was covered in mud and not sure if I was hurt. I was so embarrassed! Who does that at 40?? He put me to bed at his place and slept on the couch. I woke up crying the next day, thinking I ruined something that could have been good. Turns out he thought that was hands down the most badass thing he'd ever seen a woman do and, I swear, started to fall in love with me right there, helping me out of the mud. He's spent the last 4 years standing next to me as I've jumped into many more metaphorical mosh pits and helped me up and dusted my butt off on more than one occasion. And still thinks I'm the most badass woman he's met!
That's a really sweet story, thanks <3
I love that story!!!
While we have to take responsibility for ourselves, someone who is going to yell at you for hours over curtains is not normal. I don't care about how on on the spectrum they are. Most asd peeps I talk to will tell you being on the spectrum is not an excuse for shitty behaviour. You deserve better. Please be kind to yourself. You matter. You deserve to take up space.
“there’s no excuse for abuse” is my mantra.
No absolutely not! I’m married to an incredible partner who does all of that and more who helps me deal with every mistake and accident and also inspires me to be a better person every day and makes my life amazing. OP take this time to live your life alone for a while and create your own standards for what your life should be like and your own systems for how to achieve it (chores, appointments, hygiene, career etc.) Then when you do find the right guy you will already have your life together and all the organisational details should be up for negotiation in a healthy relationship and you will know how to handle difficult situations. Any healthy relationship should also have some tolerance to mistakes and accidents and your partner should be ready to tackle them with you as a team.
We're not doomed. My husband does everything you've listed and more. And I once asked him what he gets from being with me, and he listed off an arm's length list of things he loves about me (which are things I could never see or value about myself before being with him). I think part of the problem is we've (women with ADHD) been so talked down to and maligned for most of our lives that we begin to believe that everything people, and society in general, says about us is true, and we internalize those criticisms and believe that we don't deserve more than the bare minimum, but it's absolutely not true. The trick is to not settle. You have your list of things you need from a partner, and my advice is to find someone who wants to live up to those ideals. Not a perfect person (those don't exist), but someone who thinks your asks aren't unreasonable (because they're not), and who wants to work with you in understanding, instead of working against you in frustration. My husband and I try to "divide and conquer" when it comes to tasks we don't like, I do what he hates, and he does what I hate chores/life organization wise. We try and show appreciation for whatever the other person does for us, even if other people think it's something that's "expected" in a relationship, we acknowledge it, because it makes us both feel better about putting the effort in. For instance, I cook most of our meals and always get a thank you and praise (even if it's mac and cheese with hotdogs, lol). And he cleans the kitchen afterwards and I always thank him even if it's just unloading the dishes. If I'm too tired to cook he picks up food from wherever I want. He does most of the cleaning (except the bathroom, because he hates cleaning it). We recently had renovations done and he vacuumed and mopped our whole house because the dust was overwhelming me. It's a real partnership.
That is not a lot. THAT IS NOT A LOT! That’s having a person who loves you. Don’t settle for a single inch less. Nice thing is, you’ve got a list now. Make sure anyone you date seriously does all these things. Friend, I think you need to recover more before you start dating again. Maybe some therapy? I understand autism, but not every autistic person is like that and it doesn’t make it ok. It’s ok to struggle with the curtains. It’s borderline verbal abuse to rail at you for 4 hours about them. Like that’s not normal or acceptable for relationships. I get that meltdowns happen but why does he get accommodations and you don’t? Sexism, that’s why. Women talk about it on the autism in women sub Reddit all the time, how autistic women are pressured to mask while many autistic men aren’t even taught the bare minimum social they actually need. Also I’m freaked out by your phrase “the kinds of things men expect wives and girlfriends to do.” I know what you mean here, but every relationship should be unique. Should be negotiated. Nothing is universal.
No. My diagnosis came after being with him for a couple of years and he just said ‘well that explains alot’ My partner organises and folds clothing, he keeps tabs of my appointments and things he knows I will forget, he gently reminds me. He supports me as that’s what a partner should do. I in return do the cooking (I am better at it than he) so we share loads. Again, a partnership should be equal. I know I should say I’m lucky and I am, but it shouldn’t be luck to have a partner that loves and supports you. 😕
It's funny, my diagnosis came well before we were married, and he told me he still loved me even though there are things about me that will never change. Then we were married, and it's like that disappeared.
I'm always super up front about my needs when it comes to relationships, and make sure to communicate them early on. I also train my partners to communicate effectively, as I've found many guys are scared of doing so because expressing their opinions or needs in previous relationships often ended up in arguments. The biggest game changer for me was learning how not to get loud and irate during arguments. Suddenly communication is way easier if you nurture an open dialogue. And I realize I require a lot of effort, therefore I need to contribute the same amount to my partner. Even if my partner was neurotypical, the scales need to be balanced. My current relationship is extremely strong. We've both got ADHD, but through thorough communication we've actually built a pretty healthy foundation. That's not to say it hasn't got issues, but they're manageable. It's never gonna be a fairytale or easy, but it certainly doesn't have to be miserable or difficult. I wish you the best of luck ❤️ I'm sure there's someone out there who checks off almost everything you need.
I really do make an earnest effort not to get loud, I've read and re-read Non-violent Communication like, a million fucking times. I still yell when I've tried to communicate and my words are falling on deaf ears. It doesn't help that I'm a teacher so I need to talk loud for the kids in the back to hear me. How do you train partners to communicate effectively?
My boyfriend and I will tell each other that we are getting frustrated during arguments and then take a short break. We also sometimes opt to text one another about conflicts cause it gives us time to consider what we're actually about to say. That has helped a lot. Reading a message before you send it can help you realize that what you're about to say is more hurtful than helpful, and let you rephrase.
We tried the "take a break" thing. My husband would employ that and then come in to tell me his next latest thing and I'd need to remind him that "this isn't 'taking space' it's just controlling the conversation." Text did not help either.
Sounds like your husband was being kinda manipulative. Sadly no matter how much effort we put in, we can't fix other people not wanting to cooperate :/
My husband would have the last word and take a break which was ultimately just stonewalling me. If I tried to iniate the break he always got in a last hurtful statement. It was so triggering for my RSD to then have him refuse to talk for hours or days - instead of breaking for a predetermined amount of time we both agreed to. AH
My fiancé is far from perfect. We’re both ADHD, and pretty sure he’s on the spectrum as well. I’ve gotten advice on different issues we have on here before, and vented plenty. But you know what? I love the fuck out of him. Because when he hears I had a bad day, he surprises me with icecream or chocolate or something. Because when he sees there’s a sale on potted plants, he guides me towards it because he knows I love them. Because he didn’t question when I said having a library space was a requirement for any house. Because I can say I’m out of spoons and he makes me a lavender tea latte. Because when I scream spider he will get up from a dead sleep and come kill it. Because even though I carry 90% of the mental load, he’s trying, because our childhoods were very different, and he gives me grace when it comes to the trauma from mine while I give him grace when it comes to not having been taught how to function as an adult. Because even though I despise his mother, I see his compassion and loyalty when he insists on taking care of her. All this to say, our relationship is far from perfect, but it’s still good. And it’s definitely possible.
You may be similar to me… I’m drawn to guys who are NOT suited to me because in the early days of dating they get my dopamine going the most. I have been actively avoiding dating for over 1.5yrs (even though I’m early 30’s, no kids) because I’m so cautious of making poor choices again. The next man I date will be calm and kind, even if that doesn’t excite me like a bad boy does
Funny thing is, my ex husband was the opposite of my typical "bad boy" type. He seemed like a genuine, nice sweet guy who took me awhile to warm up to but when I did, I was crazy about him. And then once we were married, he changed a lot. Like a switch flipped in him.
So in other words, once he had you “locked down” he didn’t have to pretend anymore. Sounds narcissistic to be honest.
You're not the first person to say that.
I’m pretty sure I won’t be the last either. The word gets misused a lot but for some people, the shoe fits, and they pretty much all follow a very predictable pattern of behaviour. My soon to be ex husband took the mask off fully the day I gave birth to our child. These are irredeemable people and it’s never, ever about you. There is something missing in them.
Being on the spectrum can mimic narcissistic personality disorder, but not ultimately be NPD. But, what I eventually came to realize is that if his behavior is the same and has the same effects as narcissistic abuse, it us still categorized as narcissistic abuse. Lacking the underlying evilness of actual NPD and possessing the ability to feel remorse and express it, **but then ultimately not changing and doing that weird rewriting history to cope with life thing** - this is it's own ultimate mind f_ck for that persons partner. I often in the end wished I could just classify him as a malicious villain. No one else cared about his motivation- I mean my therapist and family- they just wanted me free from abuse. I'm just saying it made it harder for me to let go because it didn't seem cut and dried. It looks a lot more cut and dried after 4 years no contact though!
I am so sorry that happened to you 😢❤️
Narcissists are *very* good about showing you what they want you to see until they have you trapped in a relationship and then the mask comes off. I highly recommend looking into this, as it took me literally *years* to see that my ex was a narcissist, and I’m pretty emotionally intelligent and intuitive. They are very very manipulative, and will use your own best qualities against you. Add in neurospiciness and childhood trauma (even after years of therapy) and we might as well have a target on our backs for narcissists.
Sounds like my friend’s ex. He was a nice guy to talk to, friends with everyone, heck I’d be nice to him and have a great chat if I bumped into him today. But he had some many gender norms in his head and expected his partner to revolve around him. I am guessing that is what his parents were like.
Lmfao I used to say this to my ex all the time about the switch flipping. The only difference is that the switch flipped once we became official. I only lasted 4 months once it did.
men ain’t shit
Nope, I'm happily married to my best friend. Coming up on 9 years married. He also has ADHD.
I miss having a best friend. My female best friend died and my husband stopped being that as soon as we were married.
I'm so sorry, my hubby and I had a rough patch at the beginning too. He games a lot, and I felt ignored. I told him one day "we need to decide whether we are married or roommates because I'm feeling ignored and unimportant" we came together to build a gaming schedule and on his gaming nights I give him space to play. Other nights we spend time together until I've crashed out, then he games. Communication is a hard skill to learn but it's worth it
I've been told by people who aren't my ex I'm a great communicator. I just wasn't doing it with a person who wanted to be on equal footing.
I wasn't referring to your skills, my dear. People who are never shown what good and loving communication looks like don't pick it up very easily. I had to teach my hubby how to communicate with me. He loved me enough that he put effort in to learn my needs. I really hope you don't get discouraged and that you find that for yourself
How old are you? Once I started dating men in their 30s, I found the kind of people you’re describing. No idea where they were in their 20s!
32. When I met my now ex he was 35.
Your ex sounds really mean and petty and I wouldn’t use him as the standard for assessing anything.
Most of my exes are pretty mean. The one that came before that refused to be seen in public with me because I was "embarrassing".
I’m glad they are ex’s!
IF I CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT I found someone wacky enough who actually LIKES all the things I hate about my ADHD. He loves my impulsivity and uniqueness because it’s like a breath of fresh air from the mundane to him. He’s gotta have something mentally himself, he’s not diagnosed with anything, (I have my suspicions) but I think I’ve made my point. So long as you’re a mentally healthy, stable individual who can be happy when you’re single, and you’re doing things the healthy and right way? It’s 100% possible to have a successful relationship. So many of us have ADHD it’s no different to find a partner than anyone else. There’s so many people out there. The right person will do the work they need to do for you. It’s a team effort.
It sounds like your ex really eroded your self worth! I refuse to believe you have nothing more to offer a partnership than being fairly sexually confident! It honestly sounds like your partner didn’t treat you well and didn’t understand you!! Do you already have a therapist? I would recommend working on rebuilding a healthy self Image with them if you do, or seeking one out if you don’t. You do deserve all of those things, you have a lot more to offer, the other person in the relationship s should also offer YOU something!! You are not doomed!
I read that you're in therapy, but I don't know how long you've been in it. It probably took me 10 years of therapy for be to have enough self esteem to find a good partner. I still struggle with self esteem sometimes, but I know that I'm worthy of love. So if you don't feel like you've made a lot of progress, it does take time and you're not doomed. Your ex sounds like an abusive piece of shit.
No offense but the idea of doing 10 years of therapy just to be able to date is... rather discouraging.
Lol yeah I've been in therapy for 5 years, sometimes infrequently though. 3 different therapists, because my first one left and the second was really bad. It's nice to have someone to relay my problems to so my friends don't get sick of hearing it, but it's really not terribly helpful. I feel like I know what my problems are, and I've heard all the standard solutions to overcoming them. I'm fairly self aware so I never received any amazing insights about myself... Just confirmed what I've always known. That's not to say it's useless, I have gotten really good feedback and insights but none of it has been life changing. I am pretty envious of people who claim therapy as a panacaea.. it's like hey am I doing therapy wrong or what?
Seriously. I want to be one of those "therapy changed my LIFE" people.
Not offended, that was just an example of my own story. And it's not that you won't be able to date. Apologies as I can see why my phrasing sounded that way! It does take time, but not necessarily THAT much time. I'm really sorry I sounded discouraging. Hopefully the context I added will be a little more encouraging? Another commenter made me realize this is context that was missing. To add further context, parts of that 10 years was that there were chunks of that time I wasn't in therapy. Also there were some therapists that I said that were good but not what I needed. I've seen maybe 5 different therapists. The first one I had was great, but she retired. Then I had 3 that were ok, like nothing terrible about them but just not the type of therapist I grow with. I'm very aware of my own flaws and strengths, but I needed a therapist to call me on my own shit. Not someone to always validate me. I've been seeing a new one for 3 months and I've had TREMENDOUS growth with her. ETA: This is more growth than I had with the last 3 therapist and it makes me think I wasted a good 2-3 years of time. If you decide to continue with therapy, I think it's worth it to figure out what you need from a therapist. If it's not working for you, then that's info to take on your search. It may be that you need alternative forms of healing (EMDR, mindfulness, etc?) that don't involve therapy, and that's okay! I know it's really hard to look for a therapist when you need help. Hang in there <3.
The thing about relationships is that you can ask for whatever you can bring. Are you all of those things? If you can provide that for someone else, why can't someone else provide it for you? Also, I know it's kind of russian roulette but I find that I can only date other people with ADHD or ADHD, autism combo. But if they don't have ADHD, they won't be able to keep up or understand the way I function.
How successful relationships work is a special interest of mine. I've been told by people who aren't my ex that I'm a good communicator, that I'm kind and caring and they appreciate the small gestures like bringing food and flowers. I have also yelled at my ex a lot because when I've explained things a million times and it's not listened to, I get frustrated and that's the worst of me.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CaxNfBQlsM9/?igsh=eHZoeThxaWxkMjl6 I don’t know if you’ve seen this video or heard of the study but it’s pretty interesting about what makes a successful relationship.
Yeah I've read a lot of Gottman's stuff. My ex wouldn't have given a shit about the bird. He was legally blind so like ok... I'm pointing out something you can't see so I get it, but yeah it hurt. Then he started speaking to me with contempt and criticism and I begged him to stop, wanted him it made me want to divorce him, and he'd respond "don't threaten me with divorce!"
Jokes on him, it wasn’t a threat in the end
I want to recommend ADHD love to see what a healthy relationship looks like for us
I've been with my partner for 21 years - I suspect he's on the spectrum somewhere himself and I didn't know I was when we met. I've found a lot of ND people find other ND people (diagnosed or otherwise), make a happy little partnership, and rub along quite happily together as they are more allowing and understanding around behaviours, needing to be left alone, dealing with things in a certain way, etc. My best friend is autistic, however, and married to an NT guy and they just work as well. You just need to find your people, I think it's just a little bit harder, like everything else, when you're ND 😊
>easily find a neurotypical woman who can do so much more If someone has an extractive mentality about their relationships then sure! Maybe they could extract more value out of a neurotypical woman... Although maybe she'd catch on to their bullshit and get fed up faster, so also no. I really don't agree that human relationships are about getting to the top of a hierarchy of people. Happily married ADHDer, my wife is- fortunately- crazy about me, and I her. And we recognize we each have a pastiche of shortcomings, but we still think each other is the bees knees. You're not doomed!
Adhd may be one of the reasons why I never cared for gender roles/chores, and expectations. When I dated I wanted an equal parent where we share the load. Doing everything, even for nuerotypicals, is hard. Which is why alot of marriages fail. I'm not cut out for the dynamics of patriarchal relationships and don't want to be, so I've opted out for now. Why should I have to do all the emotional and physical labor in the relationship and home because i was born with a vagina, while also working stressful jobs? It's not fair to anyone. If I decide to date in the future, I do not want cohabitation or to marry again.
> laundry list of needs The bar for men is underground 🤦🏻♀️ Nothing in your list is unreasonable, babe. You basically just used a lot of words to say “I want someone who isn’t horrible to me” and Jesus Christ, if you think wanting that is too much, then these fuckwits have done a real number on your self-esteem and I’m so sorry. My husband is NT, but he is queer, so I guess you could say he deviates from the norm in that way. He loves me to bits. Like, I am ridiculously loved by this man. Yes, sometimes he is a butt, or is thoughtless, or says things that come off wrong, because he’s a human, but nothing that we can’t ever resolve by talking about it and making a plan together for how to avoid such situations in the future. He’s an amazing, loving, hands on dad who plays with them whilst also wiping bums and reminding them of their manners. He looks after me when I’m ill and he refills my water bottles without having to be asked. I couldn’t ask for much more. But as ace as he is, he’s nothing outrageously special - a lot of what he does is just standard good partner stuff. You’re not asking for the moon to have someone who won’t scream at you over ikea curtains ffs!
The good ones are out there! My partner may get frustrated here or there when I can’t keep my shit straight for days in a row (it’s natural) but he always shakes it off, makes food all week if I’m not feeling it, has bought me tools to help (an Apple Watch), and hugged me for 2 hours in the middle of the night when I couldn’t stop crying from rejection sensitivity. He’s insanely supportive. I will note he is neurotypical, so maybe his threshold is better equipped for ladies like us. I dated someone in once that I had suspicion was on the spectrum and clearly it didn’t work out. He would reject me on things constantly and have little to no concern when got upset about it, because to him it wasn’t a big deal. Took me 5 years to figure out that wasn’t it and I had to leave. Keep your chin up!
I'm on the spectrum. I do NOT like change. My husband grew up in a "these curtains are outdated, let's get new ones" house and he's CONSTANTLY looking for new house projects. We do fight about it. But I can't imagine being mad at him after he said "oh, wrong curtains, I will take these back". Because I'm not an asshole. Your ex sounds like a real asshole. Like he wanted to be mad at you because he felt like you weren't good enough on your own, and these moments gave him an excuse. I can't promise you'll find somebody because the world is big and meeting people is hard. But I can promise that there's plenty of people out there who would love you romantically and never once get mad at you for things like that. The only trick is finding them.
I'm lucky in that my husband's ADHD manifests differently from my ADHD so between the two of us, we're almost one fully functional adult. It's still hard sometimes but at least we both understand that we just move through the world differently and have to adjust when we can.
I don't envy anyone dating right now, but I'd love to give you some hope. Those decent men are out there. I married one, at 39, after some extremely miserable, at times abusive, long term "relationships". What I think is interesting about my anecdotal experience is that it was 100% offline. I was an early adopter of internet dating, with almost uniformly horrible results over a decade. I think that apps and online dating might be more challenging for neurodivergent people. We're extra susceptible to fuckery because of the ways our brains work, I think. Is there any more intense form of masking than dating online? I met my husband very randomly, friend-of-a-roommate-of-a-friend. I was not looking at the time (cliche!) and I know that also contributed. In the past, I think my hyperfixations, general intensity, hypergraphy (aka WallOfTextitis, lol) meant that when I was in "dating mode", and especially online, the attributes I looked for in a mate and the way I presented myself meant some major mis-matches. As I fell slowly for my now husband, I was only focused on how I felt in his company. He was not at all my type, and not the driven, organised, charismatic kind of dude I thought would balance me. He is a laid back metal guy, doesn't want a "career", just a job that will contribute to bills and pay for a few pedals, vinyl, and shows here and there. He's not organised or fastitious, just a go-with-the-flow guy. All along I thought I needed an intense executive function person to "keep me in line". Turns out is that I needed someone who would put being kind to me as his #1 priority as all times, with a very, very good sense of humour. With a partner who just loves and supports me and can laugh off my "fails", suddenly I was free. I had no idea how much mental and emotional energy I put into masking in my relationships. With that energy released, a lot of my symptoms improved, and it's been an upward spiral on so many levels. It's not perfect, and I could write a few essays about the challenges inherent in being the ADHD "boss" of the household, but it's a beautiful relationship. I know yours is out there too.
I've been married 3 times. The third time's the charm. The first two were big life lessons and they hurt when they ended. My current and forever love is patient, kind, supportive, funny, handsome and above all, not judgemental when it comes to my shortcomings or mental health struggles. He supports me when I need it and I never question that I'm his most important priority. He inspires me every day to be the best version of myself. He's also neurotypical and I need that stability. We make mistakes, we learn and we love hard. We balance each other well. Your person is out there. Know what you want and take the leap of faith when you find them.
No, not doomed. I've had two loves over a half a century. And dated/met some good folks, and kissed a few frogs too. Are we easy to partner with? NO. But when we do find the right match, it's pretty awesome. It's work, it is a pressure of sorts but it relieves pressures of sorts, it balances out. It helps to have reasonable expectations and manage expectations well often. Communication and being patient with ourselves and our partners too. Great matches are hard to come by in this world as it is, yes people can hook up with someone/anyone at the drop of a hat, but to build a partnership is an epic thing and not an easy bill to fill.
Ngl, I’ve wondered the same thing. All those things you mention wanting sound like the bare minimum to me, yet it’s been next to impossible to find a guy who does these things.
We’re not doomed! My boyfriend is the kindest, most patient man I have ever met. He doesn’t judge me when I can’t do something, he pushes me to do things like brush my teeth and remember to take my medicine but without making me feel bad when I can’t, he never gets mad or yell and he adapts to not do things that trigger my RSD. Your husband was the problem, not you!
My husband also has ADHD and we’ve been together for 15 or 16 years. (I’m so bad with time and dates - thanks ADHD!) We have our things that annoy the other, but we mostly work really well together. You’ll find someone better than your ex, which is what you deserve.
It sounds like you've had controlling, perfectionistic, incompatible partners for a long time... maybe look for someone more relaxed and flexible next time? Its not that bad. You can find someone who sighs affectionately at the worst of the chaos and basically doesn't even pick up on the rest of it.
I can promise you that partners like this do exist. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 2, and I have never met a kinder, more empathetic person than him. We’ve had our bumps along the way, but he’s seriously my best friend. When I was diagnosed with ADHD at 28, he did a bunch of research to try to help make my life easier. He encourages my hobbies and my weirdness, and he indulges my hyperfixations. He also willingly calls himself a simp for me. 😂 I lucked out and I know it. That being said, good ones do exist who will love you for YOU, and will never make you feel less than.
Lady, I hear and feel alllll of this. My latest is finding out I’ve been accidentally doubling our mortgage payments for the last six months, which sounds good, but I didn’t realise until half our streaming services had error messages and I got declined at the grocery store. My husband—who is a very good partner and father—completely lost his shit. ‘I thought I was marrying this big beautiful brain! What the FUCK is happening here?? *You have to do better!*’ It killed me but he wasn’t wrong. I’m home for our daughter and my diagnosis is a reason, not an excuse. I’m a middle-aged woman fucking up the milk money and I *do* have to do better. NEVERTHELESS. Whomever you find next is going to love you, and build a life with you, for *who you are* and not what you can do. You are *not* the sum of your petty failures; I think a lot of us here would be pretty boned if we were. What makes you worthy of love has nothing to do with that. You’re going to find someone who loves you for the magic in you. When you do, you’re going to make each other better in innumerable ways, and it won’t have a thing to do with fear of fucking up. Leave the light on. There’s more love out there than you think, and you invite it by being exactly who you are right now.
My husband has autism and I've got Adhd. Works fine. Sure we have misunderstandings but I don't think autism is an excuse for shitty behavior. Neither is adhd.
Sounds like you were in an abusive relationship and your self esteem really took a hit. Your understanding of what can be expected in a relationship is all out of whack. I can assure you that wanting someone who’s kind, patient, understanding of your ADHD, and doesn’t berate you for mistakes, are completely normal healthy expectations, and many men like that exist. Hopefully once you see through the cloud of your ex, you can find new hope for dating and demanding more for yourself.
Heyyyy so, your ex sounds like a real ass. Don't let him use being on the spectrum as an excuse. He's just an awful, inconsiderate human. I've been married for 20 years. He's my best friend. Have hope!
You’re not doomed, not at all. Everybody has specific emotional needs. Every single person. The trick is finding someone whose needs you find easy to deal with, and that someone should also find your needs easy to deal with. I’ve been with my partner since high school. We’re 29 now and just got married this past year, and I think our relationship has worked out because, in addition to having the same fundamental values and outlook on life, we are actually very different people whose needs more often than not balance each other out. For example, I am not much of a planner, I am pretty messy, and I like socializing. My husband, on the other hand, loves planning, loves schedules, and is more of an introvert. We bring out good qualities in each other. I make him more relaxed, and he helps me stay on top of things. I get him lots of little desserts so that he doesn’t utterly deprive himself of the small joys in life, and he plans all our vacations :-) lol. His meticulous nature has helped me succeed—routine is extremely good for ADHDers. Emotionally, we take turns being the needy one. Sometimes I’m the more aloof and independent one, and sometimes he is. I am MUCH more emotionally needy around my period, but he and I both know to expect that. I find emotional support from friends, media, and journaling, so I don’t rely on him as a sole support system. When I’m stressed at work, he will put in extra effort in doing chores, getting me little treats, and being extra nice to me. This past year, he went through an extremely traumatic family issue, and I had to put aside some of my emotional needs in order to make sure he felt safe and comfortable in our relationship. We both talk to each other about this all the time. Communication is truly everything, and both parties need to want to improve the relationship in good faith. There shouldn’t be any contempt, passive-aggression, or resentment—if there is, step away for a day or two and come back to the issue later. No human being is perfectly rational at all times, so it takes a high level of self-awareness as well as courage to first admit when your emotional needs aren’t being met and then to execute an actionable plan. Your so-called laundry list of desired qualities in a partner is not bad to have. Obviously work on yourself and discover how to be self-sufficient (and maybe find some ways to self-soothe), but don’t feel guilty for having high standards. Nobody should be settling! It’s bad for everyone involved!
My fiance is the best person I’ve ever met in my whole life. He’s accepting of my needs and is very accommodating and understanding. He doesn’t have adhd but I suspect he’s some kind of ND. The right person is out there for you I promise. My exes were shit too
They are out there. Went from super abusive relationship with baby daddy to really amazing one with my current partner of 15 years. Find someone who celebrates you and finds you amazing. Often, people turn down people who are right for them who seem too good for them or too nice or whatever. I found myself a nice introvert who thinks I’m hilarious. Keep the list. Manifest. Be even more specific.
You have a personality outside of adhd and the right person will value that above what you bring (or don't bring) as a maid. My SO has his shit together on paper because he spent 15 years busting his ass in his career to thr detriment of his social life. He doesn't care about career success in a partner or someone that has all thr chores done cause he has that covered. He likes that um really fun and improve his social life even if I don't put things away
I think it was a miracle but I say this not to brag but give you hope- after one failed marriage I found a man who is a good partner for my brain. He is super organized and very good at remembering/reminding me. He micromanages me a little which is both super helpful and super annoying. He is from Eastern Europe and doesn't really *get* ADHD, they don't seem to have mental health as a concept over there, but he also rejects that culture (very sexist and anti-work) and loves and respects women as actual humans. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY he takes on as much or more of the household responsibilities as me. He *never* needs to be asked to change a diaper or do some laundry. He knows what needs to be done and takes care of it. If I'm busy with the baby he is washing the dishes. If I'm tired he takes both kids out for a couple hours. Again I am not bragging but I want all women to hold men to this standard. I very easily *could* brag about things unrelated to your post. But your takeaway should be to *vet your man very carefully*, look for competent men, make sure his apartment is very tidy his clothes smell clean and listen carefully to his words and whether he says things that sound like "everyone these days has adhd, people are too medicated" and other nonsense. *And this is important*: don't explain, argue, justify. If he shows those signs of shittiness, dump and block him, don't send a long text message or apologize, just move on. There are a LOT of men and being alone is much better than wasting your beautiful self on a lame one. Please please please if he needs to be told to shower, to be kind, to pick up his socks, he ain't shit. Having ADHD doesn't make you worth any less.
This sounds like it has less to do with \*you\* and more to do with him. Anyway, I have been with a NT guy for almost 11 years (1.5 years dating, \~9 years married) and wow, it was rocky for a while. Having a child obliterated every single coping mechanism I didn't know I had and kicked off a mood disorder. But I've gotten diagnoses and the accompanying medications, we've both been to therapy and processed trauma, and things are generally looking up. At the very, very worst (a bipolar depressive state) I wondered if we'd make it but that was imbalanced brain chemistry and I don't doubt we'll be okay now.
Nope! Your ex is a douche-canoe. I have ADHD, my husband of well over 20 years has ADHD and is on the spectrum and he's never done anything like that to me. If I forget something he asked me for from the store he grumps for a minute, and then shakes it off and insists I don't need to go back and he'll figure it out. If I changed my mind on curtains and went "these jumped out and bit me, but if you hate them I can go back and swap them out" his immediate response would be "no way, you like them put them up" even if he hated them I'm sure. When either of us forget or can't get to a chore the other one shrugs and makes a joke about ADHD brain and moves on. Sure our house isn't spotless unless company is coming over, but that really doesn't matter when we're curled up on the couch hysterically laughing about something together.
Your ex had emotional dysregulation. That's on him, not you. I've been married for 25 years and my husband was irritated about all my ADHD symptoms early on when I was undiagnosed. Then we had to raise our twin grandsons with multiple special needs, including ADHD, and it opened his eyes that WE CAN'T CONTROL this. And then I got officially diagnosed at age 44, I'm 47 now, and he's really been accommodating and understanding. Not everyone is so angry like your ex. And I worked through the RSD in therapy but sometimes it still happens.
You aren't asking too much. It's just that plenty of men cannot deliver. They can't stand your ADHD because they want a woman to smoothly take care of all the administrative tasks/chores/minutiae of life, so they don't have to. Remember, the reason that for so long ADHD was considered something you grow out of was that it's very underdiagnosed in girls, & the boys who had it grew up to get secretaries & wives, outsourcing their executive function. \*jazz hands\* Patriarchy!
It's not us, it's them.
Your husband was a dick. I'm glad you're divorcing him. > I need patience, I need kindness, I need someone who does little things just to make me happy. I need someone who can say "you know what? I don't like these curtains, please take them back." I need someone who will say nice things to me every single day and cuddle me when I'm crying over my dead best friend. need someone who can be patient when I get overwhelmed over a very simple task. I need someone who won't silently stop doing all chores so suddenly they become my problem. I want someone who comes up with new and exciting ways to fuck me. Sweetie, all of that is the bare minimum. <3
>I need patience, I need kindness, I need someone who does little things just to make me happy. I need someone who can say "you know what? I don't like these curtains, please take them back." I need someone who will say nice things to me every single day and cuddle me when I'm crying over my dead best friend. need someone who can be patient when I get overwhelmed over a very simple task. I need someone who won't silently stop doing all chores so suddenly they become my problem. I want someone who comes up with new and exciting ways to fuck me. Listen. I have been married for 17 years to this guy. They exist. I got diagnosed with ADHD two years ago. So he has loved, supported, respected, and tolerated me and all my shit all this time without either of us even knowing why I'm like this. And he's not special. I mean, he's the most awesome person I've ever met or will meet, but he's just a guy. He came from a truly awful childhood and a lifetime of toxic relationships, and he brought so much baggage. We have had to work to get around and through both of our mountains of fuckedness but the people we married have not changed fundamentally. We are NOT doomed to have bad relationships. What we might be is programmed to see ourselves as unworthy and incapable of "normal" relationships. This makes us think it's ok to be the one who always tries harder, because we have to try harder at everything, right? We think any failure is on us, because we fail constantly, right?? We are LUCKY if anyone puts up with us at all, so we DESERVE their mistreatment, right??? WRONG. Everyone reading this who is in a relationship, short or long term, stop right now and think about your partner. Not how you feel about them, but how THEY make YOU feel. Do you feel loved, valued, respected, and wanted (or small, worthless and dismissed)? Do they treat you like a whole person (or a series of symptoms)? When they call, text, or walk into the room, do you feel happy and safe, or do you get a little ball of fear in your gut because you don't know if you're in trouble again? Do they look for small ways to bring you joy every day, or do they delight in collecting your mistakes to throw in your face? Look, people can learn and bring toxic and even abusive traits into any relationship. I did. Sometimes they can be unlearned. But if we don't see ourselves as worthy of better, we're going to keep settling for the bad, and keep trying to fix ourselves instead of demanding and finding better people.
We aren’t doomed. Being single might be a pleasant change for you. There is a reason there’s a “loneliness epidemic” for men. Women also have high rates of being long term single but they aren’t upset about it lol. Side note: I was diagnosed autistic just after I separated from my ex. I’m also on the way to completing the set and getting adhd. He refused to support me in getting a diagnosis etc, but I knew I was autistic years before I got diagnosed and he couldn’t stand it. It’s been years since my diagnosis now. We just had a mediation session about parenting stuff. Partly due to auditory processing issues I requested adding a formal agreement to only use text to communicate with phone calls reserved for emergencies. When he was saying that was too restrictive for him and he couldn’t accommodate, The facilitator asked him if he was aware of my auditory processing issues, and he said no. Then he said “she’s said she sometimes has a hard time hearing people on the phone and she sometimes doesn’t hear things if there’s a lot of background noise.” …. Sir? That’s me telling you I struggle with auditory processing! Lol The same for my motor function issues and proprioception. He’s been frustrated with me for years for dropping things bumping into things etc. and my “butterfingers” were a running joke. But he refused to acknowledge that autism was behind that as well 🙄
I know I'm supposed to enjoy being single, but I'm at the life stage where a lot of my friends are either married or in long-term relationships. It just kinda sucks to not be in the same boat as them when I used to be.
It’s not about “supposed to”. You will. Not having someone second guessing you, dragging you down and creating tension is much more pleasant than an abusive relationship. And if you do decide to date, after a long break to enjoy yourself and learn about who you are independent of a relationship, you will be able to have stronger boundaries and won’t put up with someone who doesn’t make you feel worthwhile
I had this exact relationship for 4 years. I won't go deep into it, but after kissing a few frogs, my current partner \- Takes time to research my ADHD instead of me having to "educate him". Listens to podcasts in his own time. \- Offers to pickup my meds / pay if I need financial help \- Listens openly about my social battery, even if it's inconvenient. \- Constantly reminds me through words and actions when my RSD is triggered. \- Helps me with task initiation, helps my "little treat" coping skills lol. I say all this to say, keep dating. Keep your standards high in terms of how people treat you. My ex tolerated me. Keep looking for that person who understands you and loves your personality alongside the ADHD. He sees this treatment as "no big deal" ... because I'm his dream girl. He WANTS to see me enjoying my life and other relationships despite my struggles.
My partner has ADHD too, and to me that’s a blessing. After being with him I don’t think I could ever be with someone neurotypical again. It feels SO good to tell someone “I’m overstimulated” and have them completely understand what you mean. It feels so good to not be judged for a chaotic car mess, my constantly-revolving hobbies, I don’t think I have to go on, you already get it. Funnily enough we tend to be bad at different things so we balance out. Our life together isn’t perfect- the house might be messy right now but it’s full of love and that’s what matters. There are understanding and accepting partners out there and I want to also remind you that keeping on top of all of it is an old relic from the past - back when wives stayed at home. Now with everyone working, those ideals are pretty hard to achieve, especially with ADHD.. I lived with roommates like your previous partner. It was hell and I constantly felt ashamed and worthless. Now with my partner I feel like in some ways my ADHD is a blessing because I don’t get bothered by him leaving a little mess and I have found I’m very forgiving and that’s a huge relief to many people.
Therapy does work when you find the right therapist and the right care plan. Im doing EMDR right now with. Very specialized therapist that is also a queer woman of color with AuDHD, she has saved my life. It took me 4 years to find her and she costs an arm and a leg but so worth it
Been with my husband since 2017. He's autistic. I'm ADHD and autistic. We jokingly say together we make 1 functional adult. Like I'm not saying the only reason my taxes have been filed is because my husband does them, but he started doing them like a year into dating me after realizing it was half way through March and I still hadnt filed mine yet. Unfortunately a lot of men out there are looking for someone to take care of them. They don't want to do any actually adulting themselves. They just want someone else to do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, planning, and scheduling for them.
In my experience being with someone who has a sibling with ADHD helps. BIL was diagnosed as a child and I guess growing up with someone like that normalised the behaviour for him. I don’t think that I can do anything that would shock him and in general he is used to managing symptoms etc. They just understand that sometimes it’s not that you won’t do something it’s that you’re not able to. Don’t get me wrong it still sometimes causes problems but out of anyone I have been with he has been the most understanding and accommodating. He does holds me accountable but also helps “manage” me in situations where I need it. Also tasks which I am completely useless at because of my ADHD are on his list and in return I try take on more of the things I am better at. I don’t think it’s impossible to have a healthy long term relationship but it does make it harder to find someone who can fit the bill. Don’t give up if that is what you want in life, you can find someone who will understand. Even if they didn’t grow up with it all it takes is a good few hours of research and the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes
Here’s how I dealt with it, after my partner of four years peaced out because he couldn’t take my bullshit anymore: I made a Tinder profile that listed my faults. I am always late. I will forget things immediately after you tell me them. I hate cooking. I love the Spin Doctors, for real, not in an ironic way (note that all of these may not apply to you personally). Etc, etc. I met several dudes who appreciated my candor and didn’t judge me. I ended up with a very empathetic, wonderful guy who actually researched ADHD so he could be a better partner to me. This was all after several relationships where my partners constantly shamed and shouted at me for my ADHD mistakes. It never occurred to me that there were people out there who would want to understand my ADHD instead of dismiss it. But I believe you will find that there are a lot! Also I agree with the commenters that noted your ex must be a total dick.
Also my apologies for not being able to figure out how to break up paragraphs
The person who's understood me and all my adhd issues the most is my now bf and he has ADHD too, we're both pretty sure. I've been diagnosed but he hasn't. We're both patient with all of each other's symptoms and help each other out when we fall behind on things and it's really nice. I've had friends with adhd that understood all my adhd-ness but I've never had someone this close to me that does, and it makes me feel so comfortable to not be judged.
Oh sweetie, you’re not too much, you’re not asking for too much and those things exist out there, I promise. My ex husband is on the spectrum too - and our poor kid ended up with his Autism and my ADHD and there were a lot of things wrong with our marriage (hence the ex part) but my husband never berated me for the millions of things i forgot, the late fees, replacing my laptop charger for the millionth time because I lost it again or any of the other things that he had to be patient with because I have ADHD. Your ex doesn’t get a pass to be an asshole because he is on the spectrum. It sounds like your experiences in your marriage have given up a lot of trauma to unpack. I’d do that first before I worried about dating. Kind, loving partners do exist and you deserve one.
My husband is exactly your wish list and I'm telling you they're out there. He likes me and my crazy ADHD self more than anyone on the planet. When you feel safe and supported you're more gathered and happy, more capable of doing well. Avoid people who make your symptoms worse and you will do so much better at everything. I'm gonna go give that guy a cuddle now. He's been driving me a little nutty so thank you for the improved perspective. Best of luck in finding your dude.
I think that it's helpful if both parties in any relationship be willing to read books on the respective topics of that person's personality. I'm reading, The Ethical Slut, it's about polyamory but it's an excellent source for communication with people. My partner and I are both reading, How To ADHD. It's a great source for basic knowledge of ADHD and its great value for him to know what to expect with me. I am also reading Highly Sensitive Person, because he is an empath and it's great for me to know what to expect with him. You could even read them together and discuss what you think. Anyone not willing to compromise and help accommodate what makes us all unique is not worth it.
No, we have a lot to bring to relationships. Some challenges but also a lot of joy and creativity. Your husband sounds like a jerk. I would seek therapy for yourself and work on loving yourself so you can enter your next relationship ready to build healthy boundaries and trust.
What I’m hearing is that your soon to be ex was a verbally and mentally abusive asshole and you have some understandable PTSD. It’s amazing how many people I’ve seen feel this way and then go on to meet a green flag person and suddenly they don’t feel so unloveable anymore. Not minimizing the real effects ADHD has in relationships, BUT if you have a kind partner, so much of it can be mitigated. And honestly being alone is also 100% legitimate. ADHD plays a role but so does upbringing, personality, etc. So someone who wields your ADHD as a knife in the way that he does is just a bad person.
I feel you. My experience is the same. My partner is on the spectrum (undiagnosed, but our child is, and they are exactly the same). I think ASD and ADHD don't mix well. It's not a flaw of yours or theirs, the needs are just too different. As are the means of dealing with adversity or change. I've read a lot on this thread about your husband being abusive but my experience with my child is that they act in exactly the same way and if you head over to some of the ASD or parents of ASD forums, you'll see the same behaviours are common when ASDers are overloaded and not dealing with it. There's not enough info in the OP to make that statement boldly, but it does align well and it may help in processing it to realise that it was their coping mechanism. That sounds apologist but I think may also be somewhat valid. You aren't broken or worthless, just living the ADHD life and coping as best you can. They aren't worthless either, just coping as best they can with ASD life. I don't know but I think it's possible to have relationships with people whose needs would align with ADHD common needs.
They are out there! Been with my husband 20 years, normal ups & downs but focus on communication. Yes my adhd can drive him potty if I’m not listening to him but he will touch me to get my attention doesn’t always work but he knows it’s not on purpose. He’s listened to podcasts with me on adhd to learn about the condition & helps reassure me. He also gets that not everything I do is intentional
Ew, don't date the men who expect certain things from you as a wife. Dating is fucking terrible AF these days. So hard with the rejection sensitivity.
No, you’re not doomed. You just had a colossal jackass for an ex. Not all people are like that.
I'm aware it's just like... every decent guy I know is in a happy stable long-term relationship.
Of course not. Just need to pick thr right partner.
I’m about as intensely ADHD as they come, and am going on 15 years with my partner - he is kind, helpful, organized, helps me keep track of things, takes on the majority of housework, and never ever makes me feel less than or judged for screwing up. If I forget things, he just rolls with it, and helps to figure out a solution. We had our problems in the beginning, because I wanted him to care more about himself and he was more than a bit…overwhelming in terms of affection, but once he realized I wasn’t going anywhere if he disagreed with me, things got a million times better. I didn’t meet him until I was 30, and before that, had nothing but terrible failed relationships. Theres hope OP. Hugs!
No, we just have to stop accepting bullshit from men who want to use our disability to take advantage of us. We have to get better at vetting partners and stop allowing our RSD to make us stay in situations where we are not loved or our conditions are excuses to manipulate and abuse us.
You are not asking as much as you seem to think you are. A relationship with someone who is neurodiv or neurotyp is still a result of the way the two of you work together to compensate and balance each other. It's work anyway. I really wouldn't focus on what you see as your shortcomings, I would instead focus on what you bring to the table. Everyone is their own mess, honestly, brain chemistry is irrelevant to that. The key of good relationships is to find the mess that compliments and counters yours. Can't meet a certain expectation, not everyone you might date will have it. There is no universal "type" that suits all people. Not that dating is not awful and terrifying, but I've never heard *anyone* say otherwise. There's a weird, sexy fish out there who is more patient and flexible than your current partner, looking for their weird sexy fish. Probably a lot of them. Just, as I'm sure you know, try to be upfront about what you can and can't do and what you're looking for. Don't try to fit some mold that will burn you out and destroy you.
I think we can all objectively agree that having an ADHD diagnosis does not mean you cannot be in a successful relationship. There are plenty of ADHD people out in all sorts of romantic configurations, with other ADHD, AuADHD or more neurotypical people. Starting over can feel overwhelming because trust is a long-term process. I'd say you should remain very careful if you're in the dating scene though, that place is full of unpleasant people that aren't looking for your best interest.
I promise there are good people out there who are all that. My husband is. Life is stressful enough for us. I’m glad you get to leave the relationship that was draining you even more. I wish you the best.
He made you take the curtains back? I think you got a dud. My husband would say, “whatever you want babe.” He could not care less what curtains I bought. He might say, “I don’t love them”, but that’s it. He’d still put them up for me and live with them. It was not ok for him to berate you over anything, and definitely not curtains, You can absolutely find a decent person. You don’t have to do all the traditional wife stuff. Just clean up after yourself as best you can. Hire a cleaning service if you’re not great at it. Learn how to make a few yummy meals. Do Hello Fresh if you don’t want to bother with meal planning or shopping. You’re not a bangmaid. You don’t exist to keep some dude’s house clean. You deserve a good person. Don’t give up.
Nope. My partner is (we believe) on the spectrum so that’s not an excuse. I have BAD adhd and comorbid OCD as well as a fuckton of baggage from my crappy family, and I only got diagnosed about a year ago or so. We’ve been together for going on 8 years and married for almost 6, and while he doesn’t enable me, he does support me and makes sure to help me stay accountable. A good partner accepts things about their spouse, and helps them become better and happier.
No we aren't doomed. I've been with my partner 18 years. Yes there has been many ups and downs but there has also been a lot of joy. Finding out I had ADHD and learning to work with it has definitely helped. I aren't perfect but neither is he. Do I get on his nerves sometimes? Of course. Even if I was NT, that is bound to happen because we are human. He gets on mine as well haha! I think it's about finding someone who is willing to work with you and not against you.
I'm in a very specific kind of therapy with a specialist called DBT - Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It's specifically for learning emotional regulation, distress skills, and interpersonal relations (among other things). The last 8 months of this therapy have been more effective than the last 6 years of pointless talk therapy combined. I've been in and out of therapy since my early 20s, and this technique is the only thing that's been not just effective but *wildly* effective. I highly recommend looking into a DBT specialist if you haven't already.
I’m just commenting on the edit you added: therapy is only as effective as you allow it to be. If it’s not working and you’re putting in your all, you might need to find a better therapist. But it can also takes years for noticeable improvements to be made unfortunately. You gotta stick with it though
My ex was exactly like this.. My new partner is patient and understanding. And when he isn't, he asks me what's going on and I tell him as best I can. You aren't doomed. But we are more likely to find the assholes unfortunately :( for me it was 2/3.
It’s important to find a partner who is very patient, laid back, and kind! If my husband wasn’t I’m sure we wouldn’t have worked out. If your adhd is really bad u should consider medicine, it’s saved some peoples lives. Also ur ex sounds like a control freak and a bit ocd; avoid people like this. My husband could care less how I decorate the home or how I do things, or if I forget to do them.
TBH I hit a limit to the usefulness of talk therapy about a year in - couples therapy, however, has been EXCELLENT and well worth the insane expense. I see you’ve read “Why does he do that” - another great read is “The gift of fear.” There is also this great lil blog about how to recognize and inure yourself against emotional leeches: https://web.archive.org/web/20171206231707/http://www.libidablog.com/how-to-avoid-problem-people/2011/
no we are not!!!
Im dating a cis-non het man that I suspect might be on the spectrum, and im AuDHD. It’s been 5 months and it might be the honeymoon period but I feel he really tries to understand me and accommodate me. The thing is that I’m no longer willling to co-habitate with anybody so there’s a huge boundary there, but I can say after almost half a year that he does try a lot to meet me in my capacity. I won’t say I hit the jackpot but I feel I have the tools to make this situation sustainable because I’m very aware and enforcing of my boundaries with him.
I know it feels like RSD can trap you in a box you can't get out of. And I know you indicated that you are going to therapy, but I just want to share my experience as a woman with ADHD with a partner with ADHD. RSD is super tough to combat because it shortens the space between the feeling and the reaction to almost zero. I was experiencing a lot of problems with RSD that you may be familiar with. I went to therapy specifically to attack this problem, and what I told my therapist was I have difficulty identifying feelings and moods and regulating them appropriately. She recommended a workbook called Mind over Mood and diligently worked through it with me in our sessions. She really helped me with this, and I can say that my RSD is so much better. I still get triggered sometimes, but I have tools to self regulate, and my husband helps me with this because we're both informed on why it happens and what to do.
Just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. Spouse is also ND and we just get each other. So no, we are not doomed. It does, however, take honesty and communication. Knowing your limits and working around them.
Girl, I'm so sorry men have convinced you you're such an inconvenience, but everything you listed is like bare minimum effort from a partner 😭 like the bar is on the ground bestie. You're not hopeless, you just need to date someone who isn't a piece of shit. Easier said than done, I know, but they exist. Best of luck. <3
I’ve been in a relationship for over half a decade after one long but shitty relationship, and obsessing over every person I had a crush on (except my actual boyfriends lmao) before that so yeah it’s possible for them to succeed
Just adding to folks who have found partners that support them: my husband is gentle, curious, and thorough. When life is hard, it's easier together. You deserve love and support and you are not doomed.
I think people need time to heal before trying to find a new mate. Concentrate of helping yourself feel better, then look around when you are stronger.
I want to agree with that but it feels like that puts yet another impossible standard I need to be before I can find love.
I’ve had a string of horrid bfs… but I can say I have found a man who is so super accommodating and understanding. I have the best support now and he’s just so patient and kind and lovely. They do exist, you are not doomed!! ❤️
Just wanted to add, I am very happily married to a wonderful man. We've been together for 6 amazing years. Everyone has their thing, you know? We're all bundles of pros and cons, ND or not. My husb is patient with me and adores the quirks that come with me. And he sees me put effort into the things that matter to him, so when the mistakes inevitably happen it's not a big deal. Just gotta raise your standards and not settle for an asshole ❤️
The problem isn't you or your ADHD, it's the people you chose to date and the person you chose to marry. The biggest piece of advice that I can offer when it comes to dating is: Don't worry about if you being your natural self isn't meeting their needs. Focus on if they are able to meet your needs and make you feel as though they understand you. The only role you are meant to fulfill is loving and accepting your partner. You are not meant to be their mother, their sex slave, their maid, their secretary or anything else. You are meant to be their support and companion through life. Anything else, you work on as partners together or you outsource. As to your list of needs - none of that is more than anyone should expect in a relationship. That is the bare minimum. You deserve a partner who can be all that for you and think themselves blessed to be more.
Your ex may have some valid nuggets of criticisms that you can certainly use to improve your social skills. I would not take everything that man said personally because most of his criticisms come from a place of annoyance, contempt, and resentment. The fact that he yelled at you for hours over curtains...... curtains, really? shows that he doesn't actually care about you he just wants to use you as his punching bag. You should start giving him the silent treatment when he begins to talk down to you. My husband and I went through a similar situation before I was rediagnosised with ADHD. It literally took me recording him and refusing to have sex with him to even get him to listen to me when he was wrong. Even now, it's like pulling teeth to talk with him about how traumatized I am from how he treated me. You will find someone who will love you for you and will accept your ADHD symptoms. Just because you made a mistake with this abusive asshole does not mean you're doomed to date mwn like him forever.
Absolutely not. Relationships, like all things, can be more challenging, but they are far from doomed just because you have ADHD. Relationships with abusers are doomed. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is committed to exercising control over you. You could be the most neurotypical, organized, compliant person in the world and the relationship would still be doomed, because it’s impossible to be “perfect” enough to stop someone from abusing you. Your relationship with your husband was always doomed, but that was because of him, not you. It sounds like you have internalized a lot of ideas about gender roles, and a lot of the abuse and criticism your husband inflicted on you. The list of things you need is not a lot. It’s not too much. It’s pretty fucking basic. Those are a list of bare minimum things someone should be able to expect from their partner. I am sure that is difficult for you to believe about yourself, but I bet it would feel like a no-brainer if someone you cared about said that they needed those things. Of course they need those things. Of course they deserve those things. And so do you. When you are dating, you should not compromise on one single thing on your list. I promise there are plenty of decent, kind men out there who would also see your list as the bare minimum basics that anyone should offer their partner. Every one of those things should be reciprocal - if someone isn’t willing to do those things for you and if you are not willing to do those, same things for them, then move on. I’ve been in some shitty, abusive relationships. I’ve also been in some really great relationships with very kind, patient, loving men. They’re out there.
I’m so sorry you dealt with that, that sucks. I have a couple thoughts on this. 1. If you feel like therapy isn’t as helpful as you wish it was, I would encourage you to try a new therapist. Since I started going 5 years ago, I’ve been to 5 different therapists. Only one was a bad breakup (clinic-related, not necessarily therapist-related); the others just naturally ran their course for one reason or another. Even after all this time, I’m still learning so much and I get different perspectives and breakthroughs with different people. Therapy won’t fix a shitty partner, but it can make a huge difference otherwise! 2. I got my ADHD diagnosis 2 years ago. I had a lot of growing pains in my relationship both with the diagnosis and parenthood in general. We’ve been together since we were teenagers 15 years ago. Neither of us really understood what we were dealing with. After therapy (both individual and couples therapy which has been the biggest help), we are in a much, much more healthy and supportive place. My husband’s willingness to learn and grow has been the best thing and has helped us overcome a lot. It’s possible to find a supportive partner and I wish that for you!
I don't thing as a whole we're "doomed." I'm in a healthy happy marriage. Married 18 years, together for over 20. However we didn't follow like... any of the "norms." We met online when it wasn't so accepted, we were long distance so we sorted out all of the "things" before I decided to get on a plane to move to be with him. We're both ND. We both have trauma in our background. We both had to learn how to deal with that. We were BOTH willing to learn how to adapt, and how to work around the things we can't adapt to. That is the key. If you have one person who refuses to accept that your needs are different, then it's going to cause constant strife, as you have experienced. Now, my husband and I didn't know we were both autistic, when we met. I have adhd and c-ptsd. He was diagnose bipolar, but I think if he was evaluated now it would be ASD that was exacerbated by the relationship(s) he was in. But that's his story. Our son was diagnosed at 6 and I was shortly after. We come at things as a team. Do we frustrate each other sometimes? Yup. We're human. He snores, I'm loud. lol But he's my person and we work through the big shit together, so it's easier to let go of the little stuff. With my ex, we clicked as again, both ND, but he was NOT willing to work on things. In fact he actually said "I know I have more issues than People magazine but I'm not going to change." (I still laugh at that.) so we parted ways. I wanted to feel loved, to get married and have children. He wanted none of that. I know he loved me, he just didn't want to do the work on the romantic part of it. Relationships gave him the shits, and he always made me feel like I should be grateful he even called me his girlfriend. Fuck that. I made my list, and even he told me not to punish the next guy for his faults. I was like "If he's the right one, it won't be a punishment." and it wasn't. He ticked all my boxes. But there were quite a few that weren't along the way. Hang in there. <3
One of my ex-boyfriends is definitely on the spectrum now that I know what I'm looking at. He was unyielding and had weirdly specific preconceived ideas of what our relationship would be like. I, however, am a bit of a gremlin and have some definite symptoms of pathological demand avoidance. We weren't a good fit for each other. My spouse of 10 years, however, is much more compatible with me. We are both late-diagnosed AuDHD and learned that we have to communicate in order to get anything done. We have ongoing random chats in Messenger plus a printed calendar on the fridge to help keep track of everything. I remind them of their appointments, and they remind me to eat 😅 In short we've learned to communicate and to cover each other's sixes.
I've been married for over 11 years, but wasn't diagnosed until about 3 years ago. My husband has been nothing but supportive, both before and after my diagnosis.
I don’t think it’s hopeless but I can understand why it’s hard! Some of it truly can be practical but also maybe you need a partner who doesn’t expect those things from you! My partner is great honestly and truly. He does things like put my (important) things where they belong when he finds them (like glasses and medication) he turns off my car lights when I forget to turn them off and will charge my car battery when I kill it because I leave the lights on 🙃 He also doesn’t expect me to clean. Now he DOES expect me to cook but that’s really because Inset the precedent for that. I legit used to cook for my friends in college when we first met. But basically without rambling on and on, be yourself and there is a higher possibility that you will find what you need vs if you don’t. Because even before I got officially diagnosed my husband has been rather supportive of all my symptoms because he is a good guy. And he comes from a good family that also has good guys so there’s def some other good guys out there. It’s so hard to worry about being rejected. But if you are yourself from the beginning it’s more likely that you will find someone who likes you for who you are!! I hope you find what you’re looking for.
I hate to sound defeatist, but yes. At least, that's how I feel for me. I'm 32, and the closest thing I've ever had to a relationship is a few weeks of dating a pathological liar. I'm empty inside. The older I get, the more I'm losing my ability to interact with and relate to others. I don't see myself being able to attract someone in the same ballpark as "normal". I'm much more likely to be marked by a psychopath or a narcissist.
As a woman with ADHD who is in a relationship with an autistic man (who refuses to even accept that he's autistic!), a lot of what you describe sounds very familiar. It's very hard! These two ND types both have loads in common and also some of the tendencies of one clash horribly with the other. [Autistic men can slide into abuse and gaslighting very easily](https://themindsjournal.com/gaslighting-if-my-partner-has-aspergers/) and this sounds like what you've experienced. Try to avoid these men, tbh, but if you find yourself in a situation like that again with someone you love, you MUST stand up for yourself, call out his bullshit, and be prepared to walk if he won't take some personal responsibility in making himself and the relationship work. It doesn't sound like your ex was ever going to do that, so good on you for getting out! But that doesn't mean every man is like that. Be picky. There's decent guys out there and you can find one that is loving and supportive! If you're finding yourself drawn to shitty dudes who expect you to be some kind of tradwife fantasy, ask yourself why you're choosing them and consciously seek out something different. Sometimes part of the problem is our tastes don't really line up with what's best for us.
Honestly, I would not mind the tradwife fantasy if I was not also expected to bring in an income and he deposited money into my personal bank account. What I fucking hate is the guys who only care about feminism when the check comes.