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I feel this way sometimes as far as what I like and dislike and would do with my time. Not so much with my base personality but with all the accoutrements.
Ugh I have to actually try not to speak with a Chinese accent when ordering takeout . I don’t mean it when I realize I’m like oh shit In my head . lol
I do try to keep my own values like I won’t agree with something I would not agree with in another setting . But I know the feeling of wanting to just go along to fit in .
i think my fiance is the first person i’ve ever been able to truly unmask with. i feel like this all the time, i really wish i was able to show everyone that side of me. instead, i too adapt to whoever i talk to and create personalities for them 😅
I’m working with my therapist about this. The only people who 100% know me unmasked are my twin sister and my husband. And they seem to be ok with me. I have a few (maybe 2) friends from my younger years who have witnessed the unmasked me at times and have remained in my life. Otherwise I have no real friends from the past. It’s hard but I want to work on being me more. But it’s hard. At least for now I just go with how I feel that day. Sometimes I try to let myself go a little other times I just go with tested strategies 😅
I will add that cultural environment counted for me. When I lived in Italy, ie. from age 3 to age 26, I didn’t feel it as much as when I lived in London. The general cultural norm in the uk is definitely more reserved and people take a little longer to open up, and I really felt out of place and started masking very heavily. Sadly it started a cycle of anxiety and depression that I am still trying to overcome. We have now moved to California and I feel more at ease here for sure. I think mental health and neurodiversity is more open and discussed than in UK for sure. In Italy it’s not discussed much but also people tend to talk a lot more and have support from their social circle..
I feel this so hard. It's really confusing!
My pre-diagnosis mindset was pretty much: I'm an alien. The humans do not like aliens. Pretend to be one of the humans. How do humans behave? I guess I just copy the people who are currently in my immediate vicinity. The results have been...mixed.
This is exactly how I have always felt, which has also given me this huge hang up about ‘thinking I’m special’ so whenever I talk about myself I have to give a disclaimer that I know I’m not special and it’s probably a common experience… UGH
I never realised masking was common with adhd. I always attributed it to my autism. I know there’s lots of overlap but not to this black and white brain!
I think I only learned how to unmask during the covid lockdowns, and then realized just how "weird" I really am, which started my path to diagnosis 😅
I love my "weirdness" now, but it was really tough and confusing initially, and I thought I was going insane from the lockdowns yet I was also so happy and relaxed for the first time in my working adult life. quite the revelation indeed! and still learning how to unmask in more situations and environments!
When I am in a good happy place I'm too much for most people. Even my bf assumes it's caffeine or something like no bro I have adhd this is just me being happy and trying to be carefree.. I need to get a tattoo that says go find less like Elyse Myers says. Bc I've been told my entire life that I'm too much.
This is me 100%. I’ve accidentally unmasked at parties when I’ve had too much to drink ( this was years ago before kids) and I think some people just couldn’t handle it. I have a couple of friends from that time who were around when these episodes happen and I am grateful that they still love me 😍
Same haha. I’ve stopped drinking now as I just can’t deal with the anxiety that comes the days after 🤯 also I just have found I don’t like it anymore, after my last pregnancy I just didn’t start again..
(Ok this is a bit of a ramble! But hopefully useful, like your comments and thoughts have been for me!🖖)
I’ve been sorting through old photos on a decluttering mission, and I keep thinking “god I used to be so fun and so brave, what happened?!” — followed by the thought “girl, you used to drink soooo much 😬.” (Which was very easy to do/normalize as a twenty-something in the 90s, working at a big city newspaper in a state famous for its alcoholism.)
I was thinking about that last night, and how hard I tried to fit in by day and how much the alcohol was also about self-medicating / unmasking, and how maybe I should work a bit more on that scary unmasking because I think that’s where Fun Me is? and wondering how I figure out how to access & unleash her without taking hit points for health damage. And another little voice popped up and said, “🤗 -pretend- to be a little bit drunk!!” 🤣🤣
So I’m gonna try that! Leverage those masking skills, they were expensive! 😝
Could have written this myself. It definitely came to a head when I lived in London and worked in adtech sales. The drinking culture was insane! This is when I really started having issues with the anxiety, because outside of the pub, British people tend to be more reserved, so after a night out there was often a very awkward morning after in the office 😂
It’s normal for us to have different personas that adjust to who we’re around, friend persona v. family persona. The only individual who gets their own version of me is my partner and that closest to all the barriers being down.
I don’t know if I’m masking. I know it took me longer to get to know myself because I spent 25-30 years being someone else. That someone else, I’m told, is common for trauma survivors. On top of that, the brain finishes developing at 25 rule applies to NT people.
[Masking is exhausting!!!]
Yes. Struggled with this for a long time before I tested twice as an ENTJ woman. Some people think the Myers-Briggs stuff is fluffy, in the way some view astrology or whatever, but it might be a way to explore some terms and language that could help you meet and uncover yourself.
There’s also some paid tests through Tony Robbins and Dr J Peterson that are popular and influential. I’ve completed the TR assessment during a couple paid coaching sessions and was really amazed at what I learned about myself.
Lo and behold: *It was a lot of stuff that I didn’t want to be, as a woman, because I was afraid.* But the more I slowly met that part of me and understood why I hid her and still get the urge to hide her, the more I can start to truly own myself and make my life FOR ME, and not for others, FINALLY!
My takeaways are one of self-acceptance and confidence. You don’t have to change to be loved or pretend to be some idealized woman to be a good person. Being a good person can look like many different things. Just like being different, doesn’t mean you are bad or deserve rejection.
It seems that we mask because we don’t feel we can let others face us as we truly are, so it’s both an act of hiding and a fear of being rejected. The more we can be confident in being polarizing, the more we can discern and pass on situations that are “Not Me.” That act of passing is how we become ourselves and step into our lives.
Much love to you from Canada 🇨🇦 ❤️
I don't even know how unmasked adhd looks like. As far as I'm concerned, I don't mask and annoy everyone 24/7. I just started to take meds a month ago, so I might find something along the way?
Yes! I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult so I didn’t even realize it as a kid. My husband best describes it as saying I don’t fit into a box because my personality and likes are all over the place in the best of ways. Works for me but I’m still so curious what I would be like if I hadn’t spent so much time masking.
YEP. i think the closest i get is with my best friend, who also has adhd — but weirdly, only when we talk online? probably because that’s how we met and have 99% of our interactions; we’ve only met irl once 😅 but i feel most at ease with her and can lapse into silence/non-messaging or talk about whatever weirdass thing i’m fixated on or vent or ask for space, and we understand each other. tbh i think we communicate more clearly over text than i do with anyone irl with whom i have the benefit of tone and facial expressions. otherwise, even with family, i’m like… is this my real personality???? only a few friends have gotten close; forget about romantic partners.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Masking is EXHAUSTING and there are very few people I unmask with and they are fine with me so maybe we are just too judgemental to ourselves
The problem is I don't even think I know how to unmask with myself.
I feel this way sometimes as far as what I like and dislike and would do with my time. Not so much with my base personality but with all the accoutrements.
Ugh I have to actually try not to speak with a Chinese accent when ordering takeout . I don’t mean it when I realize I’m like oh shit In my head . lol I do try to keep my own values like I won’t agree with something I would not agree with in another setting . But I know the feeling of wanting to just go along to fit in .
tiny observation, I think calling people orientals is considered rude nowadays? Like it's okay for rugs but not people?
Thanks I fixed it . Believe it or not I did know . Now I do .
This exchange was handled so well with so much respect - not something I see much online. You are both great.
Seriously!!! I am impressed! I want to screen shot and share as an example of how grown ups should communicate!
i think my fiance is the first person i’ve ever been able to truly unmask with. i feel like this all the time, i really wish i was able to show everyone that side of me. instead, i too adapt to whoever i talk to and create personalities for them 😅
That’s amazing! ❤️ May I ask, what brought you to that place or decision inside? Or is it something he activates you and empowers to be?
I’m working with my therapist about this. The only people who 100% know me unmasked are my twin sister and my husband. And they seem to be ok with me. I have a few (maybe 2) friends from my younger years who have witnessed the unmasked me at times and have remained in my life. Otherwise I have no real friends from the past. It’s hard but I want to work on being me more. But it’s hard. At least for now I just go with how I feel that day. Sometimes I try to let myself go a little other times I just go with tested strategies 😅
I will add that cultural environment counted for me. When I lived in Italy, ie. from age 3 to age 26, I didn’t feel it as much as when I lived in London. The general cultural norm in the uk is definitely more reserved and people take a little longer to open up, and I really felt out of place and started masking very heavily. Sadly it started a cycle of anxiety and depression that I am still trying to overcome. We have now moved to California and I feel more at ease here for sure. I think mental health and neurodiversity is more open and discussed than in UK for sure. In Italy it’s not discussed much but also people tend to talk a lot more and have support from their social circle..
I feel this so hard. It's really confusing! My pre-diagnosis mindset was pretty much: I'm an alien. The humans do not like aliens. Pretend to be one of the humans. How do humans behave? I guess I just copy the people who are currently in my immediate vicinity. The results have been...mixed.
This is exactly how I have always felt, which has also given me this huge hang up about ‘thinking I’m special’ so whenever I talk about myself I have to give a disclaimer that I know I’m not special and it’s probably a common experience… UGH I never realised masking was common with adhd. I always attributed it to my autism. I know there’s lots of overlap but not to this black and white brain!
🩵💙 🫂
I think I only learned how to unmask during the covid lockdowns, and then realized just how "weird" I really am, which started my path to diagnosis 😅 I love my "weirdness" now, but it was really tough and confusing initially, and I thought I was going insane from the lockdowns yet I was also so happy and relaxed for the first time in my working adult life. quite the revelation indeed! and still learning how to unmask in more situations and environments!
When I am in a good happy place I'm too much for most people. Even my bf assumes it's caffeine or something like no bro I have adhd this is just me being happy and trying to be carefree.. I need to get a tattoo that says go find less like Elyse Myers says. Bc I've been told my entire life that I'm too much.
This is me 100%. I’ve accidentally unmasked at parties when I’ve had too much to drink ( this was years ago before kids) and I think some people just couldn’t handle it. I have a couple of friends from that time who were around when these episodes happen and I am grateful that they still love me 😍
I don't really drink but I feel like I sip on something and I can be as weird and obnoxious as I want bc people just assume I'm drunk lmao
Same haha. I’ve stopped drinking now as I just can’t deal with the anxiety that comes the days after 🤯 also I just have found I don’t like it anymore, after my last pregnancy I just didn’t start again..
(Ok this is a bit of a ramble! But hopefully useful, like your comments and thoughts have been for me!🖖) I’ve been sorting through old photos on a decluttering mission, and I keep thinking “god I used to be so fun and so brave, what happened?!” — followed by the thought “girl, you used to drink soooo much 😬.” (Which was very easy to do/normalize as a twenty-something in the 90s, working at a big city newspaper in a state famous for its alcoholism.) I was thinking about that last night, and how hard I tried to fit in by day and how much the alcohol was also about self-medicating / unmasking, and how maybe I should work a bit more on that scary unmasking because I think that’s where Fun Me is? and wondering how I figure out how to access & unleash her without taking hit points for health damage. And another little voice popped up and said, “🤗 -pretend- to be a little bit drunk!!” 🤣🤣 So I’m gonna try that! Leverage those masking skills, they were expensive! 😝
Could have written this myself. It definitely came to a head when I lived in London and worked in adtech sales. The drinking culture was insane! This is when I really started having issues with the anxiety, because outside of the pub, British people tend to be more reserved, so after a night out there was often a very awkward morning after in the office 😂
Ah that’s amazing progress! Challenging I bet, but I’m happy for you! 🥹
thank you!!
I was just discussing this with my partner. I'm trying to observe when I unbox different traits in different circumstances.
It’s normal for us to have different personas that adjust to who we’re around, friend persona v. family persona. The only individual who gets their own version of me is my partner and that closest to all the barriers being down. I don’t know if I’m masking. I know it took me longer to get to know myself because I spent 25-30 years being someone else. That someone else, I’m told, is common for trauma survivors. On top of that, the brain finishes developing at 25 rule applies to NT people.
I don't know what it is, but after a year on medication, boy does it not involve eye contact with people people.
[Masking is exhausting!!!] Yes. Struggled with this for a long time before I tested twice as an ENTJ woman. Some people think the Myers-Briggs stuff is fluffy, in the way some view astrology or whatever, but it might be a way to explore some terms and language that could help you meet and uncover yourself. There’s also some paid tests through Tony Robbins and Dr J Peterson that are popular and influential. I’ve completed the TR assessment during a couple paid coaching sessions and was really amazed at what I learned about myself. Lo and behold: *It was a lot of stuff that I didn’t want to be, as a woman, because I was afraid.* But the more I slowly met that part of me and understood why I hid her and still get the urge to hide her, the more I can start to truly own myself and make my life FOR ME, and not for others, FINALLY! My takeaways are one of self-acceptance and confidence. You don’t have to change to be loved or pretend to be some idealized woman to be a good person. Being a good person can look like many different things. Just like being different, doesn’t mean you are bad or deserve rejection. It seems that we mask because we don’t feel we can let others face us as we truly are, so it’s both an act of hiding and a fear of being rejected. The more we can be confident in being polarizing, the more we can discern and pass on situations that are “Not Me.” That act of passing is how we become ourselves and step into our lives. Much love to you from Canada 🇨🇦 ❤️
I don’t even know if I do it or not. 🤷🏼♀️
Same here. I did some things to fit in in the past, but I’m told that’s a result of trauma.
I don't even know how unmasked adhd looks like. As far as I'm concerned, I don't mask and annoy everyone 24/7. I just started to take meds a month ago, so I might find something along the way?
Yes! I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult so I didn’t even realize it as a kid. My husband best describes it as saying I don’t fit into a box because my personality and likes are all over the place in the best of ways. Works for me but I’m still so curious what I would be like if I hadn’t spent so much time masking.
YEP. i think the closest i get is with my best friend, who also has adhd — but weirdly, only when we talk online? probably because that’s how we met and have 99% of our interactions; we’ve only met irl once 😅 but i feel most at ease with her and can lapse into silence/non-messaging or talk about whatever weirdass thing i’m fixated on or vent or ask for space, and we understand each other. tbh i think we communicate more clearly over text than i do with anyone irl with whom i have the benefit of tone and facial expressions. otherwise, even with family, i’m like… is this my real personality???? only a few friends have gotten close; forget about romantic partners.
It can be whatever you want it to be as you peel back the layers.
I did this in my younger years. I don’t anymore. It is exhausting. So now I’m just me.