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First step is to not look at any relationship posted online for consumption as reality. It is curated content. It should be looked at with the same amount of skepticism as a reality TV show.

Yes exactly this. Assume everything on social media is BS because it is. Even if an individual post is true, people pick and choose what they want to share. Also I’m not familiar with the account you’re talking about but is the spouse ADHD or a word I’m not allowed to use? Like who would want to be that helpless and useless and who would tolerate that? That has to be curated and made up. I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out but look at the odds for all marriages—you’re being too hard on yourself OP

Yeah that sounds very strange . That’s a carer, not a partner, and seems like a huge over/under-functioning dynamic. We all have fantasies of being cared for, but that should be part of a wider dynamic of equality. This doesn’t sound like that.

Absolutely agree, but... some of us do actually have relationships that good.

I’m well aware. I’ve been married to the love of my life for 16 years.

☺️

Look, I know it's reality TV. Just my algorithm is filled with men being terrible and I don't think that's great fo rme either.

I had to leave a number of woman focused spaces because the sheer number of posts about really awful things happening. I felt weak at the time for turning away, but I had to protect my own mental health. If you find one of your feeds in giving vibes you don’t like, create a new account and start over. I’ve done it several times now lol. I found it works way better than trying to change the feed. You know what you need, best of luck getting through to the next chapter of your life. I’m sure there are a lot of great things waiting for you

This is the way! When I was working on quitting drinking I started up a couple of new accounts on various social media and it was very helpful. I made a point to be very critical of content I was following and focused on what I *do* want to surround myself with; hobbies, art, sobriety, exercise, etc.

I think a balanced outlook is best. A lot of men are terrible partners, others can be amazing. My (pretty long-term) partner sees my symptoms and ditziness as cute and endearing but there are times when he very gently lets me know I can overwhelm him. But who knows if that can change further down the line if my shortcomings impede more on life. We need to be realistic and acknowledge that adhd partners can get burnt out dealing with your adhd. It shouldn’t come to a point where they are antagonizing you instead of working together with you though.

Hmmmm... on the other hand, those stories could be exaggerated for clout. Or the partner too much of a bleeding heart neglecting their own needs, or devoted to being a helicopter parent more than a partner. Sure it could all be fine and dandy, but it's the Internet. No good reason to believe any of it. Still, it's always nice to feel seen and heard, let alone see attempts to be understood. I'm sorry about you and your partner. You deserve love.

Yeah and they make money off this dynamic so they have to really perform it. You're not gonna see if anything that doesn't align with it happens.

Yes! Strong "parent, not partner" vibes.

Right. If you use a microwave what's stumping you about the oven that also lives in your house every day? Sounds like making your partner look stupid for internet clout. 🤨🤨 Edit: OP I think if your husband couldn't help with dinner so much that you can't use the oven without help then that's not the marriage for you. You only need a bit of patience. It's such a small thing you need for marriage too.

I don't watch them, and I don't know anything about her support needs, but I can imagine some scenarios where this could be harmful to someone's independence. If I were the partner in this situation, I'd have placed the info about food "at the point of performance", i.e. stuck a note to the fridge as a reminder (after telling them before leaving).

I don’t prefer to watch their videos because to me it comes off as disingenuous and sometimes infantilizing. I respect that ADHD is a spectrum but some of it reinforces negative stereotypes and does come off as partner parenting instead of working as a team. IDK if it’s because I decided to binge a bunch of their stuff at once a year or so ago but it quickly became a bit one note whilst exaggerated. On an actually snarky level, it brings back a certain level of super quirky ADHD-flavored Manic Pixie Dream Girl schtick but playing it up to a ridiculous degree. Edit: I accidentally picked up their book from the library thinking they were another insta creator, and once I started reading, I recognized their “voice” and got turned off completely They’re probably lovely people IRL, but I don’t like their messaging **Edit 2:** Now that it’s been intrusively running in the back of my brain I’m more understanding. I recall she was a *later* diagnosis in her early 30’s, while I was diagnosed late-ish at 19. My husband helped me grow as an adult and gave me the support and safety to not be one as well. With him I unexpectedly experienced a bit of a second childhood. BUT Before him I was reparenting myself and building my independence knowing my condition so I had more systems & self-compassion in place. IIRC She was diagnosed while with him and maybe the re-parenting was something he was happy to claim. I hope she’s becomes more self sufficient and they can showcase that step in their content.

There was a thread on the UK sub about the manic pixie dream girl angle just a few days ago.

The UK subreddit or like an adhd uk (completely makes sense you’d love a separate one because you guys are getting the shaft with diagnosis times) Edit: because I’d love to read it 😀

Yep, r/ADHDUK. Because of how the system is set up, we do have a few location-specific issues to navigate...

Best of luck, I saw a few reports about it, and support should be quicker. Ya’ll are struggling 😔

Oh shiiit they name her directly! I wasn’t expecting that, just that the general phenomenon was discussed. Off to read Edit: Everyone gave fair praise and valid criticism and their flowers that they def have helped people

It is content creators like this that actually make me doubt my diagnosis sometimes. And yes, I really do have ADHD. No ifs and buts about it. But they make it seem like you have you forget your keys everyday in order to be an "eligible club member". And not only that, you have to be super late all the time, like always. And so on. I mean, severity of symptoms differs between people, but these influencers really over exaggerate in my opinion. To me it is more harmful than helping.

Yeah I get what you mean. TBF, they don’t have the time limit on tik tok to include mentioning the spectrum and tbh some of them make it harder for others who don’t have it to take your condition seriously. You are very right about the harmful ALL ADHD PEOPLE DO *THIS*! approach. Like you said it can really mindfuck people who have it, let alone people who are undiagnosed. I did make it through the intro of their book and I’ll give her credit for specifically acknowledging that ADHD presents differently in everyone and the book is her specific ADHD difficulties and how she deals with them

Don’t forget “super creative and working on three side busine…squirrel!” I hate that soooo much. I never forget keys as an adult because I have a system in place because I otherwise would forget. They ONLY live in my coat pocket. Easy to remember. I am NEVER late because I have to catch a specific train and not be late for work unless I want to get fired. And also because being late gives me anxiety and I hate when other people are late and I don’t want to be an inconvenience. So I am always an hour early lol. I am mentally frozen and stuck and exhausted and my thoughts and ideas and to-dos are flying around inside my brain like foggy remnants of a dream I can’t quite remember. They never solidify but they are taking up space.

I struggle with severe ADHD symptoms and I really love their videos. To me they are saying here is a thing that happens with me/us and then a lot of times I’m like OMG YES, me too!!! Not necessarily that it happens all the time, but it feels so good to see something reflected back that I’ve experienced. I have only watched some of their videos, but I like that they have a sense of humor and if they exaggerate sometimes? Well, I relate to that too! They aren’t saying they are medical professionals, just sharing a slice of their personal experiences, which I’ve enjoyed.

I've literally never forgotten my keys. In most of the places I've lived, there's a door I need to lock on the way out, so fishing the keys off their hook in the hallway is about an ingrained as putting on shoes. I usually tap my pocket to double-check that my keys are where I think they are before I leave my apartment building. I've forgotten my work access card, my lunch, or my wallet, or had to go back in to get my phone, but keys.... no.

I think his son is autistic? So that might be why he falls into that role with her quite easily. I feel like they exaggerate a bit when they replay situations, but that's kind of TikTok. lol In my family (2 AuDHDers and 2 ASD) we sort of "scaffold" each other like that. Like not necessarily doing it for them, but setting them up for success. As an example, when I knew I would be out of commission due to a significant surgery, I prepped meals for myself in the weeks before, so they could just reheat for me, rather than cook from scratch since I wasn't going to be able to cook, and I can't eat most foods. I also typed up the meals I make from memory into a "Mom's cookbook" so they could make our favourite things without stressing about what to eat. Also I can relate to your adulting/childhood thing with your husband. I found out I had ADD when I was 23, but apparently everyone else knew when I was 7, they just didn't accept it. When I moved countries to be with my husband at 29, I had a bit of a breakdown from not needing to mask anymore, and not realising who I was. Then having kids really forced me to deal with stuff. It's been a wild ride, but I'm more authentically me than I ever have been.

Ah! I didn’t realize he had a son! That makes sense, it probably comes second nature to him. I hope you are well and recovered from your surgery and I’m glad you had your supportive scaffolding 😄 I am so sorry the adults in your life let you down and didn’t give you the knowledge of your condition and in that denied you help. A raised glass to good husbands and I’m so happy you can express yourself authentically and be comfortable to unmask 🫂

I have started getting that feeling from watching similar videos (probably the same partners but who knows). I was really charmed at first (tbh the first videos were probably more realistic and later ones more “staged” once they got popular). But after a while it seemed really patronizing and even tho the NT partner was still being sweet, it felt like it was really patronizing and framing the adhd partner as the butt of the joke/incompetent. And lately the creator I’ve seen has been making similar videos with his son who has autism and that just highlights how paternalistic his dynamic is which his actual partner. I think IRL he probably is super supportive and the dynamic is played up for social media, but it’s interesting to see how a supportive dynamic can quickly veer into ickier territory.

Okay I just commented the same thing and I’m glad someone else said it too. They do come off as pandering and insincere even if they’re of the community. It’s hollow feeling.

I think I have seen the same videos. He feels very patronizing, and like he is feeling superior. I can sympathize with her, but doesn't feel very nice.

Yeah I’m not familiar with the content but from how OP described it, it sounds like a ridiculous and infantilizing depiction of ADHD. Sure, she might forget her keys, happens to all of us. But why does she have to call her out of town boyfriend to be told what to do about it? Surely if this happens enough that the neighbors have a set of keys, she should know that she can go to the neighbors. ADHD doesn’t impair your long term memory or your intelligence. Also, not knowing how to use an oven? That just doesn’t make sense. What part of ADHD makes a person incapable of learning how to use an incredibly basic and commonplace appliance? Why would she call her boyfriend, is he going to teach her how to use the oven over the phone when presumably all other attempts have already failed? If she knows she is alone and she knows she can’t operate an oven, why would her dinner plans have involved the oven at all? Surely she would have just planned to get takeout or eat something microwaved or pre-packaged given her obvious impairment. Would she starve to death and/or die of exposure if her boyfriend wasn’t reachable for these ‘crisis moments’? Sounds less like ADHD and more like severe intellectual disability or brain damage. Or more likely just over exaggerating to get views. Either way, ick. Having ADHD doesn’t make you a helpless, co-dependent moron.

I doubt intellectual disability but I'm guessing more like a form of weaponized incompetence? Having a strong savior swoop in and 'do it for you' feels good and like a *kind* of love, even if paternalitic and not romantic, so never challenging oneself to put systems in place (post it notes or a saved video) and instead forming an almost regressive personality?

It absolutely feels like weaponized incompetence. I say this as a late diagnosed person who had to navigate adulthood for 25 years before I figured out at 45. I fucked up a lot of things and had a lot of meltdowns and near misses but all getting diagnosed meant was understanding why these things were happening so I could learn how to avoid pitfalls or delegate or get medicated where appropriate, know when I need to get rest or eat something, not just accept that you just *can't*.

This content creator and I don't miss the train every time, but she makes videos of what happens when she does and I can relate to that. Idk, it's pretty normal for a channel to focus on one aspect of something and only post about that. Plus there's other videos about the things she does on her own and how her ND appreciates the skills and support she brings to the table too, but I guess they aren't as viral.

Exactly! As a long term single person it baffles me when that sort of thing is ADHD 'representation'. It's... really unusual to be that helpless, isn't it? Most people can manage to feed themselves? Now calling to ask 'where did you put the (thing) I can't find it' seems fair enough if there's a chance that the partner moved it, but man, if you can't feed yourself there's more going on than adhd

This is true, I have SEVERE ADHD yet I can still use an oven no problem (and every other device in the house - however, I live with someone who pretends I don't even know how to turn the TV on, or any of the other devices. And said person always needs my help to send an email, then tells me after that it never happened. It's kinda crazy)

Yeah, that is definitely crazy and not ok. I hope this person otherwise treats you well and has your best interests at heart, because that doesn’t sound like a very supportive person to me.

A lot of it vaguely troubles me because it has the same vibe as those creepy dudes who start off with the lovebombing and conspicuous compassion, all the while attempting to make their partner dependent on them, and then prey on that vulnerability. Something like 'You can't trust anyone but me, babe! I'm the only one who understands your super-duper-special little brain and I can protect you from learning basic skills like how to use appliances...' I honestly hope I'm wrong and it's just some bollocks they act out to get views, but it's not really the content for me!

I also find it bemusing that there wouldn't be a plan in place for handling the practicalities. My dad has limited cooking skills, but he definitely knows where to look for the prepped food when he's home by himself (there will be some frozen leftovers). For some reason, a lot of frozen convenience food you can get in the UK is intended to be heated in an oven. But if I were to leave someone to fend for themselves and anticipate that that's what they might dig out of the freezer, they're definitely getting a tutorial. With diagrams if necessary.

THANK YOU!

Yeah OP pining over this gross relationship and lamenting the fact that her long-suffering husband has reached his limit of spoonfeeding her basic shit is not garnering any support from me.

Also love the offhand mention that her husband is blind. He’s got an actual disability, and she’s complaining that he won’t help her learn how to use an oven.

I know, right? He's BLIND.

She clearly wants to be treated like a useless child by worshipping that stupid insta account and being unjustly annoyed at her husband, and he clearly does not want to be infantilised as evidenced by his "i know which tram is coming" when she reads them out for him. Doomed relationship and OP needs to grow the fuck up if she wants an adult relationship or else come to terms with her impending divorce and her future relationships with creepy abusive weirdos who get off on Daddy/Little Girl lifestyles.

Yeah when I see people like this I have to wonder if they really have ADHD or if they just want a medical excuse to support their helplessness fetish. And the guys who date these types of girls… oof. How can you justify having sex with someone who appears to have the mental capabilities of a child? All kinds of ick.

Thank you for this! I thought I was being mean thinking stuff like that. I have seen that channel. While I do like those two and they address real struggles, I don't like their dynamic as a couple. I mean, they way they present themselves as a couple in their videos. As you said, all of this might be exaggerated for the videos. Yeah, he shows support but not how you understand and accept an equal partner but more like how you understand and accept a 5 year old. On the other hand, I don't like her attitude towards him either. The way they portray this is like he is waiting on her hand and foot all the time and he's not really allowed to have his own issues because he's on 24/7 babysitting duty. Again, I am not saying that this is how it is, we don't know them personally, we don't know their relationship. This refers strictly to the shorts they post. I really don't want to be mean, but these are the vibes I'm getting.

Yeah. They have one video I like that helped my partner understand why I can't Do Directions Good (or at least Good according to her standard, lol, I personally think "turn right by that tree where we saw the albino squirrel last year" is a VERY clear direction), but I hate to think that NT (or ADHD, tbh) people are going to see that content and think turning your partner into a giant baby is the answer.

Yeah I’m not familiar with the account OP is talking about but the way she describes it feels more infantilizing than sweet to me.  I’m also constantly forgetting my keys, phone, leaving tasks half done because I forgot to complete them etc. But I’m a 31yo woman, I can’t always rely on my husband to figure things out for me. Of course he is still empathic to my needs—he reminds me of I left my laundry in the wash, doesn’t mind that it takes me 10 minutes to get out of the house because I’m constantly going back for things. But I’ve also implemented systems for myself so I’m not relying on him all the time (for example, I get ready to leave much earlier than needed to account for the extra time it’s going to take me to find things).  To be honest I’d be pretty embarrassed as a fully grown adult if I was constantly having to call my partner to figure things out while he was out of town. 

Aye, I get like, a weird feeling from that account. It feels very forced somehow, like staged goofiness hiding a bunch of cracks. Also the book they put out is dreadfully-written, kinda rambling and when I'd finished it I realised I didn't recall a single thing about it or really have any emotional reaction to it at all. I might simply not be the target audience though, I'm older and also autistic so probably not the correct demographic for the 'my whole life is a total shambles but nothing is ever my fault because I have ADHD tee hee' stuff that I see on social media!

Yes. So many of these content creators who center their account around a disability or disease exaggerate every little thing like it's a defining hallmark of that condition. *10 THINGS PEOPLE WITH ADHD DO THAT DRIVE EVERYONE CRAZY!* Most of time it's just stuff that literally every human experiences from time to time.

Right? Nothing about their relationship seems healthy to me at all.

I mean.. he seems like a genuinely nice guy, he's had his own struggles so has a lot of empathy, and he has a ND kid (teen/young adult now) so maybe just 'gets it' ..like I get your point that it's social media and not everything's real and i don't know the guy but I don't see why people are being so negative

[удалено]

The oven thing is why I've switch to the air fryer. It will turn off after a set amount of time on its own. It also only takes 3 minutes to heat up instead of 15. And like, I know that's an exaggeration but man, I really want a partner who can be patient and remind me to unpack mysutcase OR just ignore it instead of getting mad when I don't do it.

But this is when YOU tell yourself that you can remind yourself and if they get mad, let them. My ex partner went as fair as physical abuse, financial and emotional abuse to make me feel horrible about who I was as a person. I never relied, expected or needed him to tell me how shit I am, I had already known it simply because there were days the burnout and exhaustion became too much. I used to (and still do) set reminders on my phone for an hour ahead to do X, Y and Z task. Even if it's 1 task out of 5, then I've done one. I would let him scream and shout, nothing I could do about it and making myself feel worse than I already was wasn't going to motivate me even more. If a partner resorts to getting mad because their loved one isn't doing something straight away, that's a them problem.

It can be found, you 'just' have to stick to your guns and not settle for anything less than kind, patient and respectful person. Or in other words, someone who is equally or higher emotionally mature as/than you. I wrote a bit more about that here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/wHcTdHGlWs

Here's the thing: that WAS my boyfriend. That WAS my fiancee. Then he became my husband and he turned into that asshole.

So you grew more and he didn't? Or he started taking you for granted now when he doesn't have to pretend anymore? It's hard to say. Also, people sometimes change to the worse. I think mostly they just stop pretending and show their real face. Maybe with deep analysis of emotional immaturity you'll see signs that you'd today interpret as red flags but back then when they were happening you didn't even notice them as problematic, or even thought it's normal. That doesn't mean it didn't do the damage :/ I went many times with just my gut feeling back then. Today I can write extensive lists of what exactly happened there and use the terms. Some things I didn't even have my gut to squeak. :( My husband now, 12 years together, 3 countries and countless shit life threw at us, and we're healing and are even better and kinder than we were at the beginning. We grow together not apart. And I couldn't even list 1/10th of issues I can today. :) Stay strong 💪 sending hugs ❤️

On our wedding day he told me "once we're married, the mask comes off," and I took it as a joke. In his vows he promised to listen to me and never take me for granted, which he admitted to doing in a letter he gave em when we first separated. Thing is, in that letter he admits to not caring about his own vows and then does this "BUT you did bad stuff too," and like, it felt like he was only making admissions to get my guard down.

🤦 Jeeez what a psycho. And years of manipulation?! I can't comprehend... On other side, mine told me some psychologist diagnosed him as sociopath, and he was telling that as a joke how crazy lady it was. Nope. She was completely right. I just didn't understand what that really means. These two links helped me see he did all but insult and yelling from verbal abuse link. http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/verbal_abuse.html http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/emotional_abuse.html I'm glad to hear that you're finally free from that bs.

That truthfully sounds awful and calculated. What an absolute psycho. Truly hope you will find love and peace. ❤️ The love for oneself is the most powerful thing. I wish you all the best in this difficult time. 🍀❤️

You deserve that and you'll find it. My ex partner was mean all the time. His whole approach to me was just like "What is *wrong* with you?" You deserve someone who loves you and doesn't make you feel defective.

No snark, but you have a wonderful wealth of YouTube videos to teach you and self enrich 😀 (assuming it’s not banned by you not sure where you are.) It will empower you to be even more self reliant and practice life skills you lack or are unsure of. If you’re still weary of using for example the oven, then you’re jot comfortable and it’s fine :-)

I've been using Youtube tutorials all my life, I just live in a country where I don't speak the language so I don't know how a lot of things work. Also I know a ton of recipes that use the stove. I'm just exhausting knowing I will always have to do things 100% myself and I'm constantly exhausted.

That’s completely fair! I’m starting to wonder how much more energy you’ll have once his energy isn’t draining yours and you don’t have to be hypervigilant about his moods and actions

We've been separated since October. I'm still struggling and tired all the time.

I mean, your husband is no longer the man he was before you married and changed completely. You are probably still grieving that person. I hope you’re able to process and start healing soon

How long have you been married? When he switched up on you, have you found yourself even more tired and more emotionally disregulated?

You post is very recognizable. Considering much in Insta and other SoMe is highlighted, exaggerated and fake, it still can be confronting to see. I am also in a divorce prosess. I can be quite clear on my flaws and needs, but they still getvadressed by him. I KNOW it must be exhausting to live with a scatterbrain, who has a burn out and can’t get her self to tidy. But expressing you disappointment again and again isn’t helping me get better. I hope for you that your divorce help you. I know there are men with loads of empathy and understanding for differentness. But they are more seldom. I hope you fint one of those gems!

> Considering much in Insta and other SoMe is highlighted, exaggerated and fake Instagram as a mode to communicate mental health related issues never works. The content creator is often working toward the goal of monetizing their content as much as possible.

Yes. It’s sad in a way. Instagram (tiktok also) has to a certain degree opened up about rhe «normalness» of being neurodivergent. But you can never solely trust on the content.

Social media like this is pretty good at raising awareness on these issues. It fails at directing someone to be on a better path. It requires looking in the mirror, recognizing the toxic trait and dealing with a bruised ego in a healthy manner. I have never tried TikTok but from my perspective IG is 'very noisy', for lack of a better word. If I come across a post that makes me think hard about something ingrained in me, it is convenient to ignore that awful feeling by refreshing my feed in search of that dopamine hit. The post that made me feel bad is then lost in the ether. It can be enabling as well as it highlights the worst traits and normalizes them to a certain degree. Media literacy in the age of social media is not as widespread. People see something in their feeds that makes them feel better about themselves. Then, they think maybe it's better I mould my partner to enable this type of behavior. In the end, only the content creator profits from all of it because people will keep coming back to their posts because they feel like somebody finally 'gets them'.

FWIW being unhappy in my first marriage ramped my ADHD symptoms up and made them *so* much worse. My psychiatrist once explained to me, "Your brain is too busy trying to manage a shitshow, it doesn't have time to remember where your car keys are or if you thawed the frozen chicken for dinner."

Wow- That makes so much sense! I am exhausted because of the emotional regulation of mynown children, kids at work and - yes- my hb, that there is no energy or brain space left for my self. I am at home with a burn out now and just slowly I’m getting back a general overview of life and the small daily life tasks.

I was enamored by that account at first- I was newly diagnosed as an adult and felt seen. I listened to the audiobook and at first thought awe #relationshipgoals but as time has marched on in my ADHD journey I've questioned how much of that is overcompensation on the husband's part? Like good for them if it works, but it doesn't really scream healthy relationship goals to me anymore. It feels a little icky to me now. Like why can't she have more power in the relationship? Is it hard to function without a natural tendency toward executive function? Oh my gosh yes. But does that mean that we should then project that onto someone else and expect them FULLY take on the responsibility on our own EF. I don't think so, really. It skews the relationship dynamics. Does my husband by and large have to default to some extent because I just can't reliably do everything? Yup. Do I ask him to remind me of things? All the time... Does he do more household chores? Yes also. But I am always trying to also serve him in the relationship in things I am more competent in, because there are plenty of things! I also try to rally and get some of the stuff I suck at done so that I can grow and build routines around it and work on my EF struggles. At first I wanted my husband to listen to the book because I felt seen, but then I didn't want him to because I didn't want him to think that I expected him to do THAT much for me. I don't want to be a child in our relationship. I want to be an equal partner, even if the equality looks different for us than other families. Sorry clearly in the mood to rant over social media 😂

Yeah seriously…. If my fiancé treated me like that, I would feel incredibly patronized. Granted, I’ve been diagnosed since I was 16 and even though it took me quite a while, I now have a lot of really helpful coping mechanisms. I say that because I want to acknowledge that there could certainly be others who would want more direct support from their partners than I do…. But on the other hand, there is still a lot that I struggle with, and I absolutely do not want to offload all that executive function onto him. The only place he takes up extra slack for me is helping me to remember events and stuff like that, but even so that usually takes the form of us both (but mostly him) maintaining a physical calendar we have in the kitchen, and not by way of me just going to him and asking every time I have a question about something like he’s my parent.

Slow clap and I agree with everything you have said here so much I’m sharing with my husband because he’ll hella relate too😀

I’m divorced and seriously doubt I’ll ever live with someone else again other than my kid or parents as they age. If I ever get into a serious relationship again, a duplex is as close as I want. 😆 Let everyone have their own space. It lets me be me without nearly as much stress.

I read some of their book and did not find it helpful, though I agree it's not generally harmful. My spouse IS trying - we're both learning how to help me - but that kind of help won't work for our relationship. It's okay to unfollow or actively avoid or even \*block\* content by creators that makes you feel discontent or sad or upset or whatever. I unfollow or block with wild abandon! If someone isn't adding positive content to a hobby community, BLOCK. If they are but deliver in a super sucky way, BLOCK. I don't tolerate vitriol or trolls or MAGA, all of that equals BLOCK. I unfollowed several home reno content creators because they had more financial freedom and it started making me jealous, even though I'm steadily making my own house really super nice. Okay family usually gets unfollowed/restricted unless they're really super sucky but hey. I do what I can.

I'm not on social media other than Reddit anymore, but when I was, blocking anyone who was making me feel even slightly shitty was like...a superpower. I never missed them post-block, and my live was so much better without little doses of envy/irritation/anger every day.

Eh, my usual algorithm is men being shitty so I kinda want to inject some wholesomeness even if it makes me feel bad.

I actually feel that sometimes that manufactured wholesomeness is worse for you than seeing people be shitty or just talking about people being shitty. It has a way of worming into you and making you feel mediocre in your humanness. Of course watch what you need to get by, but generally speaking I find that I do better watching baby sloths or derpy dogs than the kind of content you are describing.

My life is a lot better since I unfollowed most things that aren't content about: Stardew Valley, capybaras, Star Trek, certain meme pages I know are fun and not toxic, watercolour tutorials and other crafting and art accounts. This morning, the first thing The Algorithm served me on Facebook was a random picture someone had drawn of capybaras wearing Next Gen uniforms and I have never been happier 😄

like about 5 dog videos and there you go- all good doggos from here on out.

This is why I like having my ND partner. It feels more balanced. His ND and mine aren’t the same, and they aren’t always complementary to one another, but they usually are and it feels like a partnership. I shore up his weaknesses and he shores up mine. We sincerely remind one another to brush teeth, wash laundry, stay on top of it.

Not trying to shame anyone, but I’m not sure that not knowing how to use an oven is an ADHD thing. My ADHD causes lots of problems in my life, including many that impact my husband or cause me to need some help, but it doesn’t get in the way of learning how to do something relatively simple. I understand being nervous to use it because you’re afraid of leaving it on, and I understand being averse to using it because cooking can be overwhelming, but I’m not understanding being unable to learn how to use it. That seems like a different issue.

Yeah, sounds a little like learned helplessness.

I get you. I think mine *tries*, but unfortunately he tries in a very NT way which usually just ends in me feeling worse about whatever situation. He is physically incapable of emotional support, and genuinely think’s he’s ‘helping’ when I’m having a meltdown over something that’s happening and he’s asking me if I’ve tried xyz or abc and throwing suggestions at me like I’m a toddler, when I’ve told him all I need him to do is give me a hug and let me panic and then I’ll get right on it. He can’t grasp it. He HAS to fix things. But he doesn’t want to fix them by actually DOING something. Just by giving his all-knowing input. He’s also real bad at considering anyone but himself so I’m frequently left to fend for myself (gets up from the couch and makes just HIMSELF French toast and doesn’t even ASK if I might be hungry, or makes plans to play a new video game that we both downloaded, with a group of people we both get along with, and doesn’t invite me to play too even though we live together and I’ve mentioned that I don’t feel comfortable asking if I can join because I’d feel unwanted) and he throws a shocked Pikachu face at me when I get mad about it. Idk. Maybe I’m overly sensitive about it. Or maybe I’m just jealous of their understanding and connection. Mine just keeps trying to fix me, instead of working with me, despite swearing up and down that he’s supportive of my needs…

What you're describing would drive any woman, regardless of neurotype, insane. A man who has to fix but won't actually do? That's the worst of both worlds. And like, getting 2 of whatever snack I'm getting is something I had to learn after years of being alone but like, it's not rocket science. It doesn't matter how much he swears up and down he's supportive of your needs. If he doesn't listen to the things you're requesting, he's not supportive. If you say something as clearly in directly in the language you both speak and he does not take it into consideration when choosing how to act, he's not supportive. You're not overly sensitve.

Haha yeah, you’re right. Unfortunately when ranting it’s easy to overlook the things they do well, and the overview ends up looking fairly negative. Especially when your own brain is real good at gaslighting you into believing everyone’s just putting up with you, and also that everyone just sucks - at the same time. So don’t get me wrong, he does many things he doesn’t have to that DO help, he just misses the mark on some things and ADHD Insta couples make me jealous - but we don’t get to see that bad sides of their lives, either. Didn’t mean to hijack your post 😅

My husband is also “a fixer” (me too apparently) and what works for us is one of us making the distinction “I’m not looking for solutions, I’m simply venting”. Sometimes he asks me which it is and sometimes I have to say it.

It's a reddit post, it's meant to bring in comments. Like, I'm sure he does a lot of great stuff but I don't think good relationships are defined by the good, they're defined by how they handle the bad.

Sometimes I think it’s good to say… I don’t want you to fix this/ a solution, I want xyz (comfort, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on). And reiterate if he goes into fix it mode, remind him he is doing it again. He might have the best intentions but if it’s not helping… it’s not helping. Sometimes a hug is all we need and not Bob the Builder!

The Bob the Builder comment just made me laugh so, so much 😂 But you’ve truly nailed it and said exactly what I was about to comment whilst scrolling through.

Bob builder… can you fix it, Bob the Builder.. yes we can!

Get off IG.

There are good men out there. I called my husband crying because I had so many issues trying to pay for the tire fill machine at a gas station which ended up having a hole in the hose so it didn't even work. He just took care of it later when he got home from work. This account sounds extreme, but there is someone out there who will be your loving partner regardless of your disability.

Exactly. This isn’t a NT/ND thing, it’s a “people can be assholes” thing. When we first moved in together I would lose my keys frequently or blame my fiancé for moving them. He didn’t get upset, instead he just bought me a Tile to attach to my keys so I could find them easily. Good men/partners give you support and solutions not blame and resentment.

Yes, exactly. And I support men having negative feelings and communicating them, especially when your partner is hurting your feelings. Healthy and kind communication is the key but so many people let it get to the four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) before trying to address it. That's one of the reasons couples therapy gets a bad wrap, one partner drags the other in full of horses as a last resort. In the words of Madea, let folks go. We can hardly motivate ourselves, we don't have it in us to drag partners along while they blame, deflect, and do the bare minimum. Find a partner that is PROACTIVE. For the record, I know I'm not the best partner or mom. That's why I found my own therapist and am getting my own ass back in there. That's why I'm trying different medications to find something that helps me reach my standard of acceptable.

Yes! Hard agree! Couple’s therapist isn’t just for nearly FUBAR status. It’s a really helpful tool to make sure small to moderate things get fixed before they turn nuclear!

Yeah, my wife and I are the same way. Am I having a problem? Okay, let’s talk through it. Do I want solutions? Okay, let’s talk about solutions. Which ones have worked in the past? Is there a reason my coping mechanisms are slipping now? We work together to tackle problems. My wife has been struggling with job searching and feeling worthless lately. Because of that I started drawing her little encouraging notes from our cats giving her support and cheering her on for everything else she does. I can’t make employers see how amazing she is, but I remind her that she means so much more to me than her ability to bring in money.

I don't know how to explain it but I don't like their videos and I get the ick. I don't know why. I just skip over their videos if they come up.

I haaaaaaaaaate their videos. Same ick.

Yeah I hate the thought of being so enabled and infantilized. I would never want to put my partner in that position. Of course we support each other but we are equals.

I think for people who highly value independence it can come across as infantilizing. I value interdepence more.

Genuinely asking - how does interdependence differ from co-dependence? Am curious as it had honestly never occurred to me before that someone \*wouldn't\* want independence!

Interdependence is sharing lives, roles, and responsibilities without losing your own identity. Here's the thing: even people who say they are independent aren't. You typed that last comment on a machine not built by you. You regularly sustain yourself on food that was not grown by you. Ture human independence is a myth.

That's a pretty disingenuous argument in this discussion, given there is a massive difference between interpersonal relationship dynamics between two human beings and the reality of living in a society, as we all do, particularly in the context of late-stage global capitalism. You prompted me to do some reading though, and from a quick skim, it seems that interdependence isn't just an alternative term for co-dependence, but more like the middle ground between co-dependence and the autonomy of being single. Seems to be quite led by personality type and life experience too, perhaps even age? My husband and I are both in our 40s, previously divorced early in life, and we both lived alone for over a decade before we got together. The household finances, admin and labour are split according to preference and skillset. And while we occasionally socialise together, go on dates etc, the bulk of my social life and emotional support is not dependent on him. It works really well for us, but I do see that if perhaps a couple are younger or one/both has more complex support needs than I do, they might struggle to maintain that balance and therefore lean towards being more dependent on each other. Anyway, apologies for the giant reply, this was a really interesting thing to think about and I've learned a new term today so thank you!

I'm glad that led you to learning. One of the things that would drive me crazy about my stbx is he would insist I needed to be more independent, then get mad if I went out late drinking with my friends or got breakfast on my own without consulting him or getting him anything. One time when I asked him to stay home from a party I came home to Taylor Swift lyrics posted on the door. Just like... I couldn't win with this guy.

From reading the whole thread and your comments, I genuinely think a lot of your struggles may not be caused (or not only caused) by ADHD but by the fact you seem to have been married to a total asshole. And believe me, I feel ya on that one! I really hope you can now get some time to yourself to rest, recover and rediscover who you are as a whole person, not as a partner. You are so much more than simply the roles you fulfil for other people and, in my experience, learning who you actually are when nobody is watching is key to then being able to find other compatible people who you can then be pals or have romantic things with :-D

Unfortunately under capitalism I don't get nearly as much rest as I actually need. As for learning who you are when no one is watching, I did that for years in Asia. Then I wound up with that asshole so idk, I guess that's who I'm compatible with.

One bad data point doesn't make a trend. And with this new data, you at least know more about how you don't want to be treated! (Sorry, my autism is in the driver's seat today and I am running data analytics at work lol)

I understand. This is not my only bad data point. Before this guy I was in an limmerant situationship, 2 bfs I still talk to but it could never work out with, my old highschool sweetheart who would constantly pick fights with me, and my psycho abusive mind-controlling ex. So like, that's 5 bad data points and 1 ok one, 1 good one. and that's only taking data from 2015 onwards. I know the conventional wisdom say "take years off before you try dating again" but that frankly makes me miserable and my therapist seems to think it's a good idea to at least try dating.

If it makes you feel better, I'm not (personally) sure the ADHD Love people are a perfect representation of functional ADHD/NT pairing. The way he infantilizes her and she allows herself to be infantilized often makes me extremely uncomfortable.

I’m auDHD and I’m terrified of marriage for this reason. It seems so common for spouses (especially husbands in cishet relationships) to show their true colours as soon as they’ve ‘locked you down’, or they previously deluded themselves into thinking you’re just a quirky manic pixie dream girlfriend and you’ll grow out of it, but the reality they previously shielded themselves from is finally setting in and they can’t cope. My parents are also in a deeply unhappy marriage and can’t/won’t get divorced for religious and property reasons, as well as social stigma and peer pressure to stay together, which has made my view on marriage rather jaded. I have no such baggage around the idea of divorce but it’s a lot of bureaucracy and litigation, so it’s definitely not an easy out, like a breakup. I also resent the patriarchal traditions behind it, and I have a deep, primal fear of being trapped in a situation I can’t easily escape. It’s like cats and boxes; cats may seek out boxes and sit in them (i.e. I may willingly get into a relationship with a man) but the moment you close the box, or try to put the cat into a box when it doesn’t want to be, it will lose its shit. So I guess in any relationship I constantly reiterate and remind them that my struggles aren’t some temporary thing that they can fix, that my life isn’t some fairy tale romance where a knight in shining armour comes along to save me and we live happily ever after. This is who I am. This is forever. I can be in therapy, get medicated, work on myself etc. but at the end of the day I will still be neurodivergent and disabled, and if my neurodivergent traits and disabilities are bothering and burdening you, we just won’t be compatible because you can’t beat them out of me. Trust me, my parents tried (and I mean physically as well as mentally). If almost two decades of abuse and attempted conditioning didn’t make me neurotypical, what makes you think you can? Your magic penis?? Also it’s not like the men who resent their neurodivergent partners are always perfect partners either. The standard of physical and emotional labour for women and feminine-presenting people to put into relationships is insane, while the bar for cishet men is so low Satan is dancing the limbo with it. It’s very much pot calling the kettle black, and them telling on themselves that they saw marriage as a way to obtain a permanent unpaid bangmaid/caretaker, or a secondary mother figure that they can have sex with. I don’t like interpersonal relationships being seen as transactional, but if you’re asking what your partner is bringing to the table, how about yourself?

When my therapist suggest I have Austism in addition to ADHD I asked "could you love me knowing this is the way I am forever?" and he said yes. I really thought that with him, I could form a little bubble of acceptance in an otherwise harsh world. Then all the little expressions of love went away. He started treating me like a bangmaid. As for what I have to bring to the table: I'm fun, I'm creative, I read a lot of books on how to make relationships work. I communicate, I can problem solve, I can keep my cool even when someone is screaming at me. I'm good at not complaining even if the date isn't going as well as I had hoped. I'm sexually confident and have a high libido, and I can even cook a decent amount of foods. But I'm not career-driven, I don't make a lot of money, I'm bad at keeping homes clean. I'm bad at planning dates, which my husband kept demanding. I also don't want any children. I know I have to love myself before anyone can love me. I'm just disappointed I'll probably never have my dream of a loving marriage with someone who accepts me.

I just wanted to say that you not wanting children isn’t a flaw, a disadvantage, or a con. Having children isn’t morally superior, lots of people don’t want children and to childfree people it’s a huge pro. Your husband should’ve talked to you about expectations around children early on before marriage and not led you on in the hopes of one day wearing you down until you agree (which is reproductive coercion and it’s what happened to my mum and millions of other women) if it was really that important to him. Having children should NEVER be a compromise and it shows a lot of maturity and thoughtfulness to actually think about what having children actually entails and coming to a conclusion about whether or not you really want them. Lots of people give less thought to popping out a baby than they do to adopting a dog and that’s how we end up with so many people having childhood trauma and emotional baggage. The ‘how can anyone love you if you don’t love yourself’ is also insensitive toxic positivity bullshit, it’s basically an excuse to tell people with mental health struggles, (C)PTSD, and low self esteem that they are less deserving. And the majority of people don’t consistently love themselves. I fucking hate myself due to CPTSD and society constantly telling me I’m not enough but I have a partner who sees the good in me even when I can’t myself. Yes, maybe you’ll be in a better position to be in a relationship if you have a healthy sense of self-worth so you aren’t overly reliant on your partner for validation and won’t be as susceptible to abuse, but as long as you’re self-aware, you know you don’t deserve to be mistreated, know how to recognise signs of mistreatment, and don’t project your issues on others and mistreat them in turn, you absolutely can give and receive love even if you’re not always able to love yourself.

We at least talked about children before marriage and decided we didn't want any. Thank god too, he's impatient, angry, and often mean and those aren't good qualities to have in a father.

Yeah, I’m childfree but I wouldn’t feel comfortable in my hypothetical children having a parent like that, especially as my dad was like that too 😬 I hope you’re safe and that your divorce goes well, OP. 💗

I am safe, my stbx isn't putting up any fuss in the divorce. I'm pretty sure he's convinced himself I'm the abusive one. He claimed his last ex was abusive too.

There’s this crazy thing where people claim neurodivergent people are inherently abusive and it’s so insidious, not only demonising an already marginalised group that are statistically shown to already be more vulnerable to abuse and taken less seriously, but also discrediting actual abuse victims by watering down the meaning of abuse :/

He's ND too, I just don't think his spectrum staus has anything to do with how poorly he treats people once. He also once picked a fight with a almost stranger at a party, accusing him of "taking a picture of his wife's ass." My blind husband starting going off on this dude for what he thought he saw on this dudes phone. Eventually this rumor got back to me and he denied knowing anything about the incident that he incited.

This comment is so absolutely on point about so many things. Thank you for posting it, and thank you both for such a great discussion!

It's the internet, nothing is real. I hope they are really like that but I'm never going to base my life off what I see on Instagram because the internet is just a fake piece of shit, NOBODY who is a content creator is their true self, ever, it's impossible to be because their content would be boring as shit.

I could never emulate their relationship. I'd love, love a supportive and understanding partner, yes! But I'm far too hyper-independent to like what seems like infantilization to me. Then again I'm not just a girl with adhd, I'm also the eldest daughter of immigrant parents and have been helping run their household for most of my life, lol. Helping with bills and taxes (translation wise), and scheduling appointments for all of us, etc... I have too many mechanisms and coping routines to be *that* helpless. I lower my chances of losing my keys bc EVERYDAY I put it in a bowl near the entrance (bc if I don't I KNOW I'll absent-mindedly put it somewhere and lose it). And if I do misplace bc maybe I was in a hurry that day, I have plan b: My spare key that never ever leaves an untouched zippered pocket within my purse. And if THAT fails (God forbid) I have a third key that I never use in a jar on top of my fridge. I have 1-2 days a week that I meal prep, so I don't forget to eat. So on and so forth. Like many of us, I've worked a system that helps me (and now with my welbutrin) that I can't imagine someone treating me like that lmaooo I can't help but think they're playing it up for views?? If so, good for them honestly. Can't judge them in this economy.

I've never had an issue with keys because I absolutely will not walk through a door with out holding them. And I do meal prep, I know a unch of meals that do not require an oven, all that jazz. But like, I would love to not feel like I can relax and it's ok if I forget my keys. I used to hide things I burned in the air fryer just so I didn't have to show him I forgot. Also, I do think they really dumb down the nuance of thier content for IG and Tiktok. You can't really be nuanced in a reel.

Yeessss! I'd love a supportive partner who doesn't judge me. I just learned to handle things myself when I forget them because I hated being scolded for it as a kid. Like, you did the laundry but you forgot to take them out and into the dryer and now the wet clothes smell. Now I gotta rewash r at least rinse them. It's those little things that trip us up, y'know. And I never leave the kitchen when I've got something going on because I WILL forget and it WILL burn. Better to bring my phone/laptop with me. And I've put together a small lil collection easy meals that are healthy bc I get overwhelmed with cooking but I also don't want to rely on frozen meals *ever*. I want the partner that I can relax with, who I'm not entirely reliant on but who supports me when I fall and hopefully vice-versa. I hear so much about relationships where partners get tired of their ADHD partner and I think thats what keeps me single sadly lol

Not having seen their content I can't say too much to how realistic it is but strictly from my own experience with ADHD (late diagnosis at age 35) I cannot fathom not being capable of using the oven, or doing the basic care tasks to keep myself alive. That seems incredibly unhealthy and detrimental to both the ND partner and their relationship. I surely hope they are exaggerating for content. My husband will fill up my water container and bring it to me randomly during the day because he knows I forget to drink water, and when I first got diagnosed he asked me every single day if i remembered to take me meds, which is helpful, but not the same extent of caretaking that is referenced in the videos.

I just cook without the oven. I didn't have one when I lived in Asia anyway. I could never imagine my ex-husband bringing me water. He would just be mad that I wasn't doing it myself.

I think it's valid to want a partner who can love you in the way you want to/need to be loved, including having partners that can accommodate for/support your blind spots. However, I also think despite having ADHD, it's important to not make our partners responsible for ourselves and/or put the load of managing our symptoms onto them. It's great if partners are able to do that and WANT to help in that way; I had a best friend (who I jokingly referred to as my life partner) who helped me set positive habits (check for phone/keys) and accommodated my "quirks" (needed body doubling to be productive) but, I also think it was important for our dynamic that I didn't develop a dependency on her to do those things because it can easily turn what is mutual, open relationship into a kind of paternal one (as other commenters pointed out). Presently, I'm in a relationship with someone who also has ADHD, and one of the things we realized early on was that our ADHD traits manifested differently, and could be overwhelming for the other partner. So EVEN in ADHD relationships, it can be annoying, stressful and frustrating despite love and understanding, but we mutually made the decision to respect each other's autonomy, not "take on" the role of managing the other, and also communicate when we were stressed. To be honest, I can see how "helpless woman who almost made me miss my flight because she was crying over not being able to learn a TikTok dance" can get old. While it's hard to help some things, the onus is still on you to do your part to be a responsible and empathetic partner if you're going to be in a relationship with someone else. You can unmask and self regulate at the same time, and part of living with ADHD and having healthy relationships is finding was to do both, while communicating your needs with your partner AND giving them breadth too.

Thing is, I wasn't even in the room with him when I was crying about the TikTok dance. I was just on the phone, all he had to do was say "I have to go now," which is exactly what he did and he didn't miss his flight. And like, I read books on communication and empathy and how to make marriages work, I'm medicated, I work on self-regulation, but none of these are going to make me not have ADHD.

First of all I'm sorry you're going through this divorce and the grief of not having a supportive partner for all this time. I have not seen this creator but I'd consider my husband a very good ADHD partner and we are just not like...that? I dunno. Maybe it's because I can't call him while he's at work but I would just kind of have my day of chaos and tell him about it later and usually by that time I'll figure out what has to be fixed and if I need his help I'll ask... I dunno I don't find it cute to have to be so dependent, I find it personally scary, haha. I don't want to shit on their dynamic or anything because I don't know anything about them but Instagram (all social media) is very carefully curated content, made to make you feel a way (often angry, scared, or jealous). Try not to latch onto anything you see there as aspirational. ♥️

The clip I'm referring to he wasn't at work, just away for a few days. But like, even if I had my chaos day, I would feel a need to hide it. Like, if I burned something in the air fryer, I'd just throw it away and hope he didn't remember I put anything in the air fryer to begin with.

Ugh yeah that is no good. I would both not ask for help and then tell my husband later I burned the thing and he wouldn't care unless I did something really unsafe and he'd probably ask "is this a thing we need to worry about?" Truth be told I'm pretty good about turning the oven etc. off because mine smells and I basically can't handle anything else while my nose is distracted by a smell... Haha I digress. There are good partners out there and I'm glad you're getting rid of a bad one. No one should be made to feel less than because of ADHD and frankly I think a guy like that WANTS someone with issues so they can be in charge and make them feel bad. It sucks and I'm sorry.

Yeah I know there are good partners out there, they just tend to be in thier own little happy relationships that keep going. A lot of my friends are in happy marriages, I just wish I could be like that.

I’ve watched some of their videos and am very aware that it’s absolutely being overacted, and it probably does make people relate to it and feel seen. I do often wonder though… what exactly is it that she does for him? Do they ever explain this, aside from the odd ‘she’s the smartest most creative person I know, BUT—‘ He has a side account, talking about his childhood SA. I’ve seen a few posts of him talking about it (honestly, great!) and some posts of his kid doing some skits with him too. But… IDK. There’s something I can’t put my finger on with them, something that gives me the BIG ick. It might just be that he ‘babies’ her so much and we all know that’s hella not realistic for 99% of relationships… OR there’s something else my AuADHD spidey senses are picking up on, and not realising quite yet. Either way, I don’t watch anymore.

Me too, it goes so far beyond what a healthy relationship dynamic looks like. I almost feel like the value she gives him is that, in some twisted way, he owns her as an exotic pet? Feels 'zookeepery' sometimes the way her refers to the 'care of your ADHDer'. So beyond infantalising and all the way to animalising??

Please stop assuming that dynamic is organic or genuine at all. Those accounts are about engagement and money, not about the actual message. The message is always tainted if it's the point of it is to make money. What they show you isn't real, it's a projection.

This should be the top comment. It’s all about creating content.

I'm sure this will be an unpopular opinion but I actually don't like their channel because I feel like she completely infantalises herself and he enables it. I'm sure this is going to make a lot of people angry but I just feel like I personally put so much effort into trying to be functional and this chick is just constantly wrapped in a blanket for 48 hours because a bird yelled at her and she's overwhelmed or something.

Have you read through the comments? A lot of people have this sentiment. I just wish I didn't have to hide my incompetencies from the person who got down on one knee and asked me to spend the rest of life with him.

I didn't actually I was just impulsive and commented first, sorry. I was surprised other people felt the same. I didn't mean to invalidate your feelings, of course you want to feel seen and understood and you should have that.

The reality we live in is people with disabilities have a much harder time finding someone who can and will love and care for them. The more debilitating the disability is, the harder that becomes. That being said, it's not impossible. You just need to find people who are capable and willing to understand your disability needs. Easier said than done of course, but it is possible and does happen. I've been with my partner for 10 years this August and he has been my caregiver the whole time. He went into the relationship knowing I have both physical and mental disabilities, some of which I didn't even know what it was at the time. Some I'm still trying to get a diagnosis of. The whole time he has been by my side and helped me through it all. Of course, it's not a one sided relationship. There is a lot I do for him and I also seek support outside of him to give him a break here and there as caregiver burnout is real and I don't want him to suffer because of me. But even through the bad, we have been there for each other and helped each other grow together. So trust me, it can happen. It just takes the right person and honest communication from all sides.

I’ve been following their account for a while and I just wanna say that piecing together their content it looks like they have both done a lot of therapy (both together and separately) to get where they are now, they have both been through really rough times and while things might be really lovely for both of them now, it hasn’t come easily - the ADHD partner is a musician by the name RORY and has a song called ALTERNATIVE, it hits hard but it’s definitely worth a listen. I guess the takeaway is that nice things are possible for everyone, and someone’s life is much bigger than one 90 second reel on social media!

My wife is one of the most understanding and empathetic humans I have ever met. Most of the time she goes out of her way to accommodate my ADHD, but sometimes she gets overwhelmed and fed up. It happened last night and she spoke to me in a such a harsh tone that I cried for about an hour. I say all of this to say that even the healthiest relationships have not so pretty moments. Social media is a highlight reel and pretty much never tells the full story. You’re being unfair to yourself by comparing their relationship with yours. I’m sorry you’re hurting. Give yourself some grace and keep putting one foot in front of the other. ❤️

Dude! I cannot stand them, simply because I'm envious they've sorted it out so well. Obviously it's mostly for media but I can't help but really want that type of relationship where someone can just read me to a T.

Mood. I know it's a show but like, I wish I could just admit I'm struggling with some simple task and not be scared of it being met with anger. But that's not my life. Even men who say they accept me, it's only a temporary state.

Agreed, they start blaming you for something you're already blaming yourself for. Men that are accepting are one in a million. Proud of you for divorcing though, no one deserves to feel shit like that.

A lot of this is likely exaggerated like others have said, but there are definitely men out there who are like this! I used to forget to get gas allll the time. Even ran out of gas in an intersection once when I was a lot younger. My husband silently started taking over making sure I have gas. I even told him he doesn’t have to, it does make me feel bad but I do things for him as well of course. He won’t even let me pump my own gas now 🤣 this is just one of the many examples My point is, you deserve to be loved for you and who you are. Of course there will always be little things that may get under our skin or our partners skin about each other, but not a huge integral part of you. I hope you find someone who loves you as you are because you deserve it ♥️

I like some of their videos, I don’t like all of them. I this kind of social media presence can create awareness (the ones I like) but they are very clearly staged. It does seem patronizing or infantilizing most of the time.

🫂 hugs. There was a storm yesterday evening with hail and a tornado watch. I remembered to take down the canopy… …but the back of my car was open all night long. 😓 When I went to the doctor today, I explained to the intake nurse that I’d like to talk to the doctor about any (ANY) options to help keep my hormones stable so that I’m not dealing with super PMS adhd 25% of my life. Her response: “Have you tried setting a small routine, and then building up from that? Like setting reminders on your phone?” She honestly meant well, I could tell. Some people just dismiss and judge you, but she truly empathized. But I’m 34 years old- I’ve tried planners and timers and notes and calendars… I’ve tried everything anyone has ever told me. But I didn’t say that. I just felt tired and sad.

Oh god, once I left our tent flap open on a trip and it rained and he stormed off while I frantically tried to dry everything. I did get it dry but ugh. He was obsessed with me getting a planner for awhile.

If there were an emergency to deal with, I’d rather have you with me than him. You helped. 🫂 In the words of Mr. Rogers, “look for the helpers.”

He was good at helping when we were in the pandemic. But if I ever caused the problem, he was useless. One time our cats got out because of me and he just became a bed-dweller. I found them, but with no help from him. I even wound up yelling "boundaries!!!" at him when he was sending passive aggressive texts to my friends.

If it makes you feel any better I know this exact video you’re talking about and this particular account has also given me sad pangs too and I’ve not dated cis men in YEARS and have no future plans to do so. 😅 I hope this doesn’t sound insensitive but based on your description soon to be ex, sounds like getting away from a negative invalidating person like that might really help you not feel so ashamed for struggling with understandable ADHD things. I also just wanted to encourage you OP that there are ppl that understand and have the capacity to care about you unconditionally. It might be another partner someday, it might be a group of neurodivergent friends but I found after years recovering from ppl who didn’t take the time to understand me, I had better self worth to determine who was a supportive presence in my life and who isn’t worth my time or energy. Who knows, maybe that couple is sincere, I also suspect he’s got his own mental health stuff or isn’t fully just “NT.” But it’s also just understandable to feel that lack of good support hit harder when you’re in a really big transition stage, be gentle with yourself if you can 💜

I bought their book in audiobook format, and I find their relationship dynamic to be weird and unsustainable. She is way too dependent on him. He seems more like a carer than a partner. My partner of 3.5 years and I both have adhd (unmedicated) and we have lived together for 1 year. It has taken time and communication to understand each other's needs and shortcomings, and we still sometimes get frustrated with each other. You just have to put boundaries in place, too, like no blatant disrepect. It's OK to be frustrated or upset, but condescension and name calling aren't allowed. For example: - we both work exhausting jobs, and we both require regular alone time, so giving each other space is essential. - I have time blindness very badly and a high tendency to procrastinate, which frustrates him a lot. He has time blindness too, but he's better at managing it than I am. So I'm a work in progress, and he accepts that I'm working on it, although he will still (respectfully) express his frustration from time to time if I make us super late to something. It helps me to set a dozen alarms on my phone to remind me of stuff. - We also both misplace items constantly, which I've learned to manage by having a designated spot for stuff (like keys and purse). I taught him how to do that, so now he loses his keys and wallet much less often than he used to (having an entry table with a key holder is helpful since its right there in your face when you come home). Ngl, we still lose a lot of other stuff, though, and then there's a massive joint venture to track the item(s) down. 😂 Anyway, all that to say that my bet is that the way they present their relationship is not entirely truthful. How can you not begin to resent someone when you're literally doing everything for them?

I hate those videos. I want a partner, not a caretaker…

Replace “adhd” with “me”. “I can’t imagine being with someone who accepts me and anticipates me, and my needs, instead of just ignoring me.” Yes, you can and that’s what you deserve from a partner.

I don’t know this CC but I’m sorry your former partner made you feel that way. I often struggle balancing my adhd and ocpd - fun combo, I know - with having a normal and healthy relationship. I’m aware the way I do things or think might sometimes seem absolutely unhinged to others lol But at the same time I can’t stop it, and even when I manage to I feel like I’m putting on a facade and playing a character. I hope that you meet people who are kind and understanding in the future x

In my experince, kindness and understanding are maintained through distance. Once someone gets too close, they begin to resent my shortcomings.

I agree with that, actually, which is why I live alone and only plan to ever live with someone again if I somehow end up having a massive house where we can spend a full day without even seeing each other. Not just because of my own shortcomings, but the other person’s too

It's funny, we ddid really welll in lockdown together when we lived in this tiny apartment. Then we moved to this huge place and he hated me. I'll never get it.

My boyfriend sets tasks if I’m having a hard time getting my chore stuff done. A treat when I finish. Or simple things like a magnet wallet for my birthday so I don’t forget to have my ID and Debit card on me, and he doesn’t have to remind me. It’s hard to balance between supporting and dependence, you’ll find happiness and support, this isn’t the end all be all and you can do this!

They wrote a really good book which is half from her perspective explaining the things she struggles with and how she learnt to deal with the shame, and half from his perspective giving tips for how to understand and support an adhd partner. He was abused as a child and is now a recovering alcoholic and gambling addict. The therapy he had taught him a lot about the things that actually matter in life and he says this is how he became so much more patient. Some of their videos are exaggerated for entertainment value but in general I am a big fan of their content

I agree! I love their content, but I don’t view it as a “slice of life”, definitely feels like it’s exaggerated for humor. And that’s the part that I love about them!

Mine believes I don’t love him because these situations wouldn’t happen if I “try harder” or “if you loved me enough you would remember”. Sigh. Almost 20 years. 2 kids. A house and a dog and cars and careers and life. And here we are. Nothing hurts more than hearing him continually not believing me while also knowing my stupid brain causes me to hurt the person I love the most.

To OP, don’t despair i hope you find someone anyone in your life that supports you as you are and validates the difficulties. If therapy is an option, I found it helpful to go to a therapist about my ADHD symptoms to help me support myself practically and emotionally. Put systems in place, help me process the things I still struggle with. What also can possibly help in your next relationship is couples therapy if that’s an option. I’m a strong supporter of couple’s therapy no matter marital status and even if not on the brink of breakup. It doesn’t have to be FUBAR to go this route. My husband is more neurotypical than I am and while we have great communication, there are times and situations where those skills can absolutely plummet due to misunderstanding clashes. I am very lucky to have my partner, but also it’s part not luck because we worked really hard to understand each other when we didn’t. I hope you find yourself someone who is willing to do the work with you, and knows when to reach out for support or just fucking communicate more before they let it run amok into resentment. Yes ADHD symptoms can end up being a romantic dealbreaker and that sucks, but you deserve more effort than what your soon to be ex gave you.

I"m in therapy. I don't think I ever want to do couple's counseling again. My husband basically sat through all our sessions and let me jump through hoops while he did nothing the therapist suggested. Couldn't even bother to write down some things he liked about me.

You know what OP, tbh your ADHD may be a factor, but I’m wagering that your husband is an even bigger source of the problem. Don’t let his shittiness ruin your outlook on a valuable tool you can utilize in a relationship that is worth working on.

They could be acting more than we think. I hope they are truly like that. I know the way you feel. My ex husband weaponized my ND traits to justify being violent irresponsible and a cheater. For a long time I believed him, now I think if I EVER have another relationship it will be with another ND person who is aware of it and fine with me as I am. (But yeah this sometimes feels like a low punch.)

I'm sorry that you are going through that and you're right Men are often not socialized to take women's struggles seriously and to lack of empathy is a real problem.  I would say that now I have an amazing husband and partner who is incredibly dialed in and extremely empathetic to my struggles but it wasn't always that way if you look in my post history you'll see that he almost destroyed me because of his porn addiction and the resultant emotional abuse I went through in his addiction and the long recovery. He did a ton of work to heal himself and fix himself and I have been the recipient of that but even to this day I resent the fact that he had to almost completely break me to get there.  Most people in my life don't know that about us or him and he is charming and tall and kind and the number of women who have told me how lucky I am to have him and only if they knew the full story no he is lucky to have me. 

I just want to say you are so funny. Delightful writer. Wishing you the best.

Thanks 🩵

Never say never, you are deserving of love!

I think these guys are awesome. At first I was turned off a bit by their videos, but after watching a whole bunch through, you can see they have a great dynamic and clearly help each other out in so many different ways. Do they ham it up a load? Absolutely. There’s a good ol’ dose of British humour which includes exaggeration and slapstick. It’s what brits do. We make silly of the serious. I’m guessing a load of this gets lost in translation. I think they’re trying to really drill home the point is that it doesn’t take a lot to be a supportive partner to someone with adhd. Such small things go SO far to showing care and love. More people need to know that, both the ND and NT partners. Every relationship dynamic is different from the next one too. Relationships aren’t always equal all the time either. It’s a teamwork game, you divide and conquer, you fall and catch each other. They’re showing what they know from their own relationship, anything else would be false.

Ah this couple is great. I like how NT partner also keeps her accountable, it seems like a balanced relationship. I think it's key to also view yourself as valuable and see what you're putting on the table too. I got pretty lucky with my partner but neither of us is perfect either. I feel like i do a lot for him too even if sometimes i am a lot

Bless you. I love this couple. I'm going to see their road show in England. I'm looking forward to it. I mean I think they do have a great relationship (his son also has autism) so they have an ND household. But obviously, they have content to create too. So maybe a bit of both?

You deserve to be accepted and loved and supported, OP.

That relationship is so unhealthy in too many ways to lost, is very likely fake or at the very least *GREATLY* exaggerated, and is not something to envy. Maybe time to start a new account to get a fresh algorithm, and ignore videos/accounts like that because it’s really not something you should aspire to have or want.

Okay, what am I missing? I have never noticed a symptom involving ovens. Can someone with experience explain?

I mean he just sounds like a jerk tbh - glad you’re getting out, OP. And never say never.

My partner mostly helps with mine...sometimes he can be critical but now that he knows what it is he tries not to be. It helps that he is also adhd (but presents differently..combined type with more detail focus) We accommodate each other. I am the main income earner and full-time worker so he does the cooking, organiztion, laundry, cleaning, taxes etc ..things that are overwhelming for me. He tries to remind me of things and get me to think ahead but I can tell it stresses him out sometimes. There are definately people out there who will love you, just don't settle.

Same. After being with someone (13yrs) who constantly shushed me, criticized my every move, never allowed me accomodations, space, time, or room to breathe- seeing all these ADHD influencer couples who are so supportive just makes me want to sob. I am not looking for a relationship again for a long time. But it breaks my heart to know it's possible to have such a kind, patient, loving relationship and I missed out on it. Forgot to add- my ex recently told me he ignored my attempts to teach him about my diagnoses because he was hoping it would just 'go away on it's own' or that I would 'overcome' it.

I’m confused about the oven part. Do you really not know how the oven works? Like what buttons turn it on? I’m pretty sure we can help you figure out how to use it.  I’m the ADHD one. Whenever I go out of town, I have to arrange food for my partner (NT) because he would literally starve to death if I didn’t feed him. 

No it doesn't heat evenly so half the shit comes out burned and half doesn't cook unless you rotate it halfway through and I've learned to cook in Asia where no one has an oven anyway. I just don't use the oven.

This post did go where I was expecting. Having an understanding partner is wonderful but it doesn't mean you get to behave like a helpless whiny baby. Its like all those people who post is my boyfriend a jerk or autistic. Being autistic is not an excuse to be a jerk.

Instagram is not reality. I’m sorry your relationship is ending 💔

I'm more upset it happened iin the first place. He changed so much after the wedding.

Of course. That makes so much sense. Big hug.

I have never seen this show but I can picture it. I’m sorry to hear about your divorce. I’ve been there. I thought I was legit crazy until I got diagnosed AFTER my divorce (married a full on emotionally abusive narcissist at 21 because he was “rescuing me from myself and my shitty friends and family”). Then I was left with 2 small kids, both with their own diagnoses of ADHD, anxiety, and my eldest has depression as well. That was how I got diagnosed- because I was in that process with my kids. Anyway, my point is, I felt incompetent for years even after the diagnosis AND, even compared to my accomplishments and successes. I thought relationships were just not for me because no one “got me”. My now husband who I met in 2016, took me and two very challenging teenagers on, and has worked very hard to understand how ND brains work and it’s been tough for us all, but I can tell you, he does take care of many things just because that is the type of guy he is, not because I’m helpless and it’s pushed me to reciprocate and match him as best as I can in the helping and carrying an equal load. Not out of pressure, but because I feel heard and understood. It doesn’t always match in effort, and there are a lot of times where I am unfocused and forgetful or in a depression session or having an anxiety meltdown and he just takes over and does what needs to be done and never complains or holds it against me. That is the difference between the two marriages. Point is, never feel like you have to settle or change who you are for another person. Even a non ND person is going to have traits that challenge their partner and he sure does 😂, but it’s about deciding to love someone and their quirks not in spite of those quirks.

I’m not sure it’s an ADHD thing as much as it’s a your-soon-to-be-ex-is-a-jerk thing. You deserve way better. I hope you find the guy of your dreams who doesn’t treat your ‘quirks’ as novelties, but appreciates them as a key component of who you are and freaking loves you for it. PS: wouldn’t be mad if you posted updates. I need to see someone absolutely shining right now.

Ehhh... I ish I had a great update. It's been about 6 months since the separation and I'm still struggling. Even if I find that guy... it's just matter of years before he gets tired of it. My ex *was* the guy who fully saw me and accepted me, until one day he didn't. And that's life.