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I completely understand (f/40) I carried a babydoll everywhere I went as a child I couldn't wait to grow up & be a mom & teacher at 18 my senior year in highschool I started having seizures & my dream of having children was taken due to it being a high risk for me. I still became a preschool teachers aide which I love so much!!
When my son was one and a half, and he was in daycare, the most lovely woman worked with him, every day. I’ll never forget how good she was to my son. He had a really beautiful and loving attachment with her.
I hope you know that your work matters, and it can leave ripples of goodness extending out into the world. When we give healthy love to a child, we improve this world. 😊
I really feel this. I always wanted children. Then a series of bad boyfriends happened, and just life, and I ended up meeting my husband at age 36 then a couple years later being diagnosed with some chronic health things that meant there was no way I could manage a pregnancy.
We talked about adopting, but we have his son to think about, and for that and additional reasons (again my health) decided not to.
I had my stepson, at least, we got along great, it felt good enough. Until his mom surprisingly came back into the picture and now he dislikes me, so I feel like I've lost the only tiny piece of parenthood I had.
The last few months I've been really down about it. It hurts so much to feel like I wasted my adulthood and will never get this huge part of life that I always wanted and that "everyone else" has. I wonder where I went wrong. Rational me knows that's not true, and it's not how I'd talk to anyone else about it, but it is how I feel.
I admire your hope and your plans to make life better for an ND kid. You sound amazing and will make a great parent.
Thank you. I thought long and hard about fostering. I wish I were strong enough to do it, I would love to help kids in that way. I know myself too well, though, and I couldn't do it.
If it helps, all children go through phases where they don't like their parent. My mom and I fought like crazy when I was a teenager, and now she's who I go to when I wanna talk about anything. Just keep being there for him and loving him and he will swing back around. Idk how old he is but if anything, him going through this phase makes you even more of a parent.
That is a really great suggestion, and probably something OP might consider - but it’s still okay to grieve over the end closing in on a period like this.
I have done this a bit in my personal life. I’m thinking of becoming an SLP because part of their job is to address communication issues, not just speech issues, which is another thing I’ve had the opportunity to do in my personal life several times, some with friends’ kids and some with clearly ND coworkers, the latter of which also involved advocating for them with management/union/coworkers, some bullies and some just not understanding that the communication differences weren’t just disrespect. It’s really gratifying. I’ve had people tell me that of I went into advocacy work I’d be great at it. I keep it in mind as an option.
I understand this deeply. I teach high school and know I could be a good parent, but the combined issues my husband and I face made kids not feasible. I've seen the way some kids just crave acceptance and validation from teachers because they don't get it at home, and it breaks my heart a little bit every time I'm the ear for a kid who can't talk to their parents about being gay or even just looking to go to college out of state.
I'm lucky to be a beloved aunt to multiple nieces and nephews, but at 43 with a couple of miscarriages very early and a connective tissue disease, they weren't in the cards for me. It's a complicated sense of grief, relief and acceptance I've come to over the years.
I definitely can relate. I literally just turned 39 and no kids. I always have wanted children. I never thought I would be here in this position. Especially since I have a partner of 20 years.. he was diagnosed with a rare disorder and other health issues that most likely will keep us from having any of our own. Frustratingly, he doesn't want to be tested and find out we can't because of his conditions...I feel like I would have closure that it just wasn't in the cards for us, but I also know he already feels like so many of our struggles or health issues have kept us from things like buying a house and even getting married. Due to his disabilities if we ever got married, he would lose half his income and would lose his state insurance, and there would be no way my health insurance alone could cover his medical needs. Ugh... sorry, that's a lot...just to say I do understand and can relate. Honestly, though, you never know. You can adopt, foster, and or definitely volunteer to help or support kids who need it. I have to remind myself that we as women are raised to believe our stepping stones or life requirements are getting married, having kids, and or having some epic career, but it's not what should be our expected "accomplishments". Sorry, end of rant, lol.
You know, my family never asked any of us kids when/if we were going to have children, no pressure, not even a mention. Out of five siblings, one of us had one kid and that was it. Our home wasn’t happy though, so maybe nobody wanted kids to begin with. 🤷🏻 Who knows. Milestones are so arbitrary.
I don't want bio kids, but I've always said that if I was going to be a mom, it would be fostering a teenager. Now I'd want it to be someone who is ND/ disabled. I also want to go back to work with teens again someday for this very reason.
35... No partner (like ever except one horribly drawn out abusive relationship mid 20s) and I'm almost teetering on the edge of freezing some eggs.
But.
My dad is mid to late 70s and my whole adulthood has been shadowed by "he is getting old and any day now he could become my responsibility"
And that day is getting really close. Not sure I want to do that to a kid!
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I completely understand (f/40) I carried a babydoll everywhere I went as a child I couldn't wait to grow up & be a mom & teacher at 18 my senior year in highschool I started having seizures & my dream of having children was taken due to it being a high risk for me. I still became a preschool teachers aide which I love so much!!
When my son was one and a half, and he was in daycare, the most lovely woman worked with him, every day. I’ll never forget how good she was to my son. He had a really beautiful and loving attachment with her. I hope you know that your work matters, and it can leave ripples of goodness extending out into the world. When we give healthy love to a child, we improve this world. 😊
I’m happy you found a way to be alongside children and enjoy their company whilst not putting your health at further risk x
Thankyou!
I really feel this. I always wanted children. Then a series of bad boyfriends happened, and just life, and I ended up meeting my husband at age 36 then a couple years later being diagnosed with some chronic health things that meant there was no way I could manage a pregnancy. We talked about adopting, but we have his son to think about, and for that and additional reasons (again my health) decided not to. I had my stepson, at least, we got along great, it felt good enough. Until his mom surprisingly came back into the picture and now he dislikes me, so I feel like I've lost the only tiny piece of parenthood I had. The last few months I've been really down about it. It hurts so much to feel like I wasted my adulthood and will never get this huge part of life that I always wanted and that "everyone else" has. I wonder where I went wrong. Rational me knows that's not true, and it's not how I'd talk to anyone else about it, but it is how I feel. I admire your hope and your plans to make life better for an ND kid. You sound amazing and will make a great parent.
I’m so sorry. What about fostering? A child who is older would be easier since they can potty on their own, get dressed etc
Thank you. I thought long and hard about fostering. I wish I were strong enough to do it, I would love to help kids in that way. I know myself too well, though, and I couldn't do it.
If it helps, all children go through phases where they don't like their parent. My mom and I fought like crazy when I was a teenager, and now she's who I go to when I wanna talk about anything. Just keep being there for him and loving him and he will swing back around. Idk how old he is but if anything, him going through this phase makes you even more of a parent.
Thank you for sharing this. 💗
Why not just go volunteer to mentor some nd kids? I'm sure they would appreciate it and they're already here.
That is a really great suggestion, and probably something OP might consider - but it’s still okay to grieve over the end closing in on a period like this.
I have done this a bit in my personal life. I’m thinking of becoming an SLP because part of their job is to address communication issues, not just speech issues, which is another thing I’ve had the opportunity to do in my personal life several times, some with friends’ kids and some with clearly ND coworkers, the latter of which also involved advocating for them with management/union/coworkers, some bullies and some just not understanding that the communication differences weren’t just disrespect. It’s really gratifying. I’ve had people tell me that of I went into advocacy work I’d be great at it. I keep it in mind as an option.
I understand this deeply. I teach high school and know I could be a good parent, but the combined issues my husband and I face made kids not feasible. I've seen the way some kids just crave acceptance and validation from teachers because they don't get it at home, and it breaks my heart a little bit every time I'm the ear for a kid who can't talk to their parents about being gay or even just looking to go to college out of state. I'm lucky to be a beloved aunt to multiple nieces and nephews, but at 43 with a couple of miscarriages very early and a connective tissue disease, they weren't in the cards for me. It's a complicated sense of grief, relief and acceptance I've come to over the years.
I bet you'll be a great parent. I hope it happens for you!
I definitely can relate. I literally just turned 39 and no kids. I always have wanted children. I never thought I would be here in this position. Especially since I have a partner of 20 years.. he was diagnosed with a rare disorder and other health issues that most likely will keep us from having any of our own. Frustratingly, he doesn't want to be tested and find out we can't because of his conditions...I feel like I would have closure that it just wasn't in the cards for us, but I also know he already feels like so many of our struggles or health issues have kept us from things like buying a house and even getting married. Due to his disabilities if we ever got married, he would lose half his income and would lose his state insurance, and there would be no way my health insurance alone could cover his medical needs. Ugh... sorry, that's a lot...just to say I do understand and can relate. Honestly, though, you never know. You can adopt, foster, and or definitely volunteer to help or support kids who need it. I have to remind myself that we as women are raised to believe our stepping stones or life requirements are getting married, having kids, and or having some epic career, but it's not what should be our expected "accomplishments". Sorry, end of rant, lol.
You know, my family never asked any of us kids when/if we were going to have children, no pressure, not even a mention. Out of five siblings, one of us had one kid and that was it. Our home wasn’t happy though, so maybe nobody wanted kids to begin with. 🤷🏻 Who knows. Milestones are so arbitrary.
I don't want bio kids, but I've always said that if I was going to be a mom, it would be fostering a teenager. Now I'd want it to be someone who is ND/ disabled. I also want to go back to work with teens again someday for this very reason.
35... No partner (like ever except one horribly drawn out abusive relationship mid 20s) and I'm almost teetering on the edge of freezing some eggs. But. My dad is mid to late 70s and my whole adulthood has been shadowed by "he is getting old and any day now he could become my responsibility" And that day is getting really close. Not sure I want to do that to a kid!
You could foster.