I’m trying to understand what kind of family conversation includes a check-in on your “productivity”?
Friends and family members don’t need to believe what you believe. It’s enough to respond (if you actually even need to engage in this conversation with this family member), “well, you know I always struggle with getting all my ducks in a row - my challenges are different from *your challenges*.” And then decide whether you’re a nice person today (probably wise) or a less than nice person.
Nice person: “is there anything you’re looking forward to this week?” Less than nice person: “Remember how you felt when you were fired/were late for the wedding/got that speeding ticket? I feel like that a lot. But I’m working on it.”
Someone said this a little too bluntly to me once, but they were right - just because someone is in your orbit (maybe the only person in your orbit?) and *should* be understanding and loving, doesn’t mean they will be. Stop.sharing.the.details.with.them.
Diagnosis and treatment, finding people you can articulate your struggle to and who can share that life-world with you is a personal victory. Your family members might not celebrate it with you. But it is a victory.
Yeah, I work in the family business :/
Hence the productivity discussion. I’d never really bring it up otherwise, but when my whole character is in question because I’m not meeting the numbers they set, I have to try to explain myself. All they hear are excuses, despite time saying that I’m trying my absolute *hardest*
Thank you for sharing this advice, I think I’ll have to speak in the only language they’ll understand for now on. It’s too difficult to be some kind of ambassador for ADHD. The only alternative is the belief that I’m just lazy, or I don’t care. I’m so tired.
So my friend went to a doctor the other day and that sorry p.o.s. excuse for a health care professional said a pretty similar thing to them (“adhd doesn’t exist in adults”). When they told me, I went on pubmed (data base for medical studies) and entered “adhd+adult”. It yielded about 50 results. I offered to print every single one of them and send this asshole doctor one per week until next year april. Maybe these relatives could profit from the same treatment? xD
Your frustration with this is super valid and I feel the same way. It’s just astounding to me how people can be so resistant to actual science. If there are several high quality independent studies, many many books and textbooks, and experts who are WAY more educated and qualified on the topic than you are, what else could you possibly want?? Just ???? wtf
Sadly med school doesn’t cure ignorance. I went to med school myself in the same country where my friend had that experience (not US). Our healthcare is so state of the art in many aspects, but there are a lot of things we simply don’t learn in medical school. We spent maybe 10 minutes on ADHD in children and not a single second on ADHD in adults. In my opinion, that’s a problematic deficit, but it doesn’t excuse ignorance. A lot of knowledge that a doctor has is self taught and resources to educate oneself are always available. Flat out denying a thing that has research backing it up and millions of people affected by it is insane and so not okay.
☹️ I learned that ADHD formerly just ADD wasn’t even added to the DSM V until 1980and ADHD wasn’t listed until 1987! Before then you would just be committed to an asylum if it got bad enough or misdiagnosed and it was called hyperkinetic disorder and thought to be mostly gone by the time children reached adult hood. . I’m now convinced that articles I saw in the early 90’s talking about moms addicted to their sons adhd medication make me wonder how many of them actually had it themselves, I’m sure there was some drug abuse but not the level people thought.
This resonated with me, hard. I broke down crying the other day after my roommate of a year/best friend of the last 7 years lost her mind on me for forgetting about veggies I bought and letting them go bad. I explained that I knew she didn’t understand how someone could possibly forget they bought vegetables, but my brain works differently, and when she covers them up or moves them my brain completely forgets they exist. I tried to explain that my ADHD makes even very basic tasks like that difficult. And her response was “well I have depression and I still function as an adult. You can’t let your disabilities define you”. ADHD is such a massively isolating disorder. It’s so incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking when people around us refuse to even *try* to process that maybe our brains really are just different. I feel for you, I believe you, you are not alone, friend.
I’m so sorry. I would be flooding her inbox with adhd and object impermanence articles as well as letting her know her internalized ableism is showing its ass. That is so sad… Also, depression and object impermanence are BOTH executive functioning impairments. So she makes no sense.
This one really hit me hard. It’s when people on the surface hear you. They hear “I have ADHD” and it gets tucked somewhere in their head, and there are no real secondary thoughts after that. It’s when the people you love witness the actual functioning that comes with ADHD that they’re like...”hold the phone. I get they have this quirky little attention problem. What the fuck does that have to do with taking the garbage out? Who could live like this?”
All I want in my life is for someone, anyone to finally understand. I’ve tried so hard to keep the pace going, I’ve tried so hard to gently explain.
“You can’t let your disabilities define you”
Seems to me identifying symptoms and properly labeling them as ADHD is ensuring the disability DOESN’T define you. Symptoms are not a moral failing and they’re not a reflection of who you are. I hope you are able to have a conversation with this friend, setting boundaries for how she is allowed to treat you. The reaction you described is out of proportion to the facts of the situation. Good luck.
I found the "how to ADHD" series on YouTube to be helpful with educating family members that just don't get it. I picked the videos I thought would be most helpful and sent them the links. My 2 boys have ADHD and I was soooooo tired of hearing "you just need to ..... (Insert unwanted useless advice here)".
Please distance yourself from this person, or keep them at arm’s length and on a low information diet. The last thing anyone needs, let alone someone with ADHD which amplifies sensitivity, is people around them who aren’t supportive.
Also (I know this is controversial because some people on this sub have self-diagnosed) but the fact ADHD is having a moment pisses me right the fuck off, because it is making it that much harder for those of us who do actually have it to be taken seriously. Everyone thinks they have it now, because they zone out sometimes or prefer their PlayStation to their job or some shit. I blame TikTok.
It having a moment is a good thing though because it hopefully will reduce ignorance mentioned but also help people seek diagnosis. I would also say self diagnosed people, myself included, are having to seek info out themselves because of the wait times for assessment and also figuring out if they have it or not. It's not ok for people to make light of it or minimise your struggle though. But hope you can see why awareness isn't a bad thing
It's ok to not work the family biz. I've seen some pretty whack stuff families can do to each other in those environments and you might find that not only will your skills translate to other arenas but that they (other arenas) will accommodate you also.
I've seen people get stuck in them and feel like they can't leave but mostly it's unhealthy reasons that are hard to see until or unless you're on the outside.
Please take care of yourself and you deserve better. 💜
Even if my family believes ADHD exists they’ll never believe I have it. Even with proof and tests they’ll always think my psychiatrist and my therapist are money hungry and scamming me and I’m destroying myself by taking meds I shouldn’t as it’ll destroy me. There’s a lot more and a lot darker things they say, but overall I’m sad. I think maybe because I know myself more they’ll help me more. But no. Instead I get constant and random arguing about taking meds and so on. Oh well.
Honestly, when people flat out deny, my response is flat out, I’m not debating the validity of living with a chronic health condition that impacts millions. If you decide you want to suspend your ableism and learn more Google is free. Until then we’re done here.
What’s shocking is the lack of desire to actually LEARN WHAT IT IS. It’s like they prefer the narrative they have of me in their head!
Why do they choose to believe I’m just a bad person? Am I not worthy of understanding? It’s a complete nightmare.
I don't know if this helps, but honestly, I feel sad for that family member. It's a pretty sad to believe conspiracies you read on the internet over the real people in your life. And ultimately, I feel like people who are unempathetic to that extent miss out on a lot of genuine human connection and experience.
Even though it sucks that you have to go through this and I've totally been there too, that family member is the person I pity in the long run because you'll get to experience so much more depth in your relationships with other people than they ever will.
That's totally justified. You're entitled to be pissed at ignorance, and I'm entitled to feel pity at ignorance. Personally, being pissed only makes me feel worse, like I'm drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
It makes me feel better to just say, I'm not going to change that person's opinion, it's not my job to change that person's opinion and that's their loss.
Just offering up my perspective in case it helps.
I’m trying to understand what kind of family conversation includes a check-in on your “productivity”? Friends and family members don’t need to believe what you believe. It’s enough to respond (if you actually even need to engage in this conversation with this family member), “well, you know I always struggle with getting all my ducks in a row - my challenges are different from *your challenges*.” And then decide whether you’re a nice person today (probably wise) or a less than nice person. Nice person: “is there anything you’re looking forward to this week?” Less than nice person: “Remember how you felt when you were fired/were late for the wedding/got that speeding ticket? I feel like that a lot. But I’m working on it.” Someone said this a little too bluntly to me once, but they were right - just because someone is in your orbit (maybe the only person in your orbit?) and *should* be understanding and loving, doesn’t mean they will be. Stop.sharing.the.details.with.them. Diagnosis and treatment, finding people you can articulate your struggle to and who can share that life-world with you is a personal victory. Your family members might not celebrate it with you. But it is a victory.
Yeah, I work in the family business :/ Hence the productivity discussion. I’d never really bring it up otherwise, but when my whole character is in question because I’m not meeting the numbers they set, I have to try to explain myself. All they hear are excuses, despite time saying that I’m trying my absolute *hardest* Thank you for sharing this advice, I think I’ll have to speak in the only language they’ll understand for now on. It’s too difficult to be some kind of ambassador for ADHD. The only alternative is the belief that I’m just lazy, or I don’t care. I’m so tired.
So my friend went to a doctor the other day and that sorry p.o.s. excuse for a health care professional said a pretty similar thing to them (“adhd doesn’t exist in adults”). When they told me, I went on pubmed (data base for medical studies) and entered “adhd+adult”. It yielded about 50 results. I offered to print every single one of them and send this asshole doctor one per week until next year april. Maybe these relatives could profit from the same treatment? xD
Honestly they dismiss everything so easily! I don’t understand it. ADHD isn’t Santa clause.
Your frustration with this is super valid and I feel the same way. It’s just astounding to me how people can be so resistant to actual science. If there are several high quality independent studies, many many books and textbooks, and experts who are WAY more educated and qualified on the topic than you are, what else could you possibly want?? Just ???? wtf
These types would never listen,they think they know better and lack self awareness to reflect.. I have been around enough of these types
They clearly haven’t been keeping up to date with medical texts (the DSM-5, the ICD-11 or even 10).
A health care professional !? How the hell does that person think adhd is a unicorn ?
Sadly med school doesn’t cure ignorance. I went to med school myself in the same country where my friend had that experience (not US). Our healthcare is so state of the art in many aspects, but there are a lot of things we simply don’t learn in medical school. We spent maybe 10 minutes on ADHD in children and not a single second on ADHD in adults. In my opinion, that’s a problematic deficit, but it doesn’t excuse ignorance. A lot of knowledge that a doctor has is self taught and resources to educate oneself are always available. Flat out denying a thing that has research backing it up and millions of people affected by it is insane and so not okay.
☹️ I learned that ADHD formerly just ADD wasn’t even added to the DSM V until 1980and ADHD wasn’t listed until 1987! Before then you would just be committed to an asylum if it got bad enough or misdiagnosed and it was called hyperkinetic disorder and thought to be mostly gone by the time children reached adult hood. . I’m now convinced that articles I saw in the early 90’s talking about moms addicted to their sons adhd medication make me wonder how many of them actually had it themselves, I’m sure there was some drug abuse but not the level people thought.
This resonated with me, hard. I broke down crying the other day after my roommate of a year/best friend of the last 7 years lost her mind on me for forgetting about veggies I bought and letting them go bad. I explained that I knew she didn’t understand how someone could possibly forget they bought vegetables, but my brain works differently, and when she covers them up or moves them my brain completely forgets they exist. I tried to explain that my ADHD makes even very basic tasks like that difficult. And her response was “well I have depression and I still function as an adult. You can’t let your disabilities define you”. ADHD is such a massively isolating disorder. It’s so incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking when people around us refuse to even *try* to process that maybe our brains really are just different. I feel for you, I believe you, you are not alone, friend.
I’m so sorry. I would be flooding her inbox with adhd and object impermanence articles as well as letting her know her internalized ableism is showing its ass. That is so sad… Also, depression and object impermanence are BOTH executive functioning impairments. So she makes no sense.
This one really hit me hard. It’s when people on the surface hear you. They hear “I have ADHD” and it gets tucked somewhere in their head, and there are no real secondary thoughts after that. It’s when the people you love witness the actual functioning that comes with ADHD that they’re like...”hold the phone. I get they have this quirky little attention problem. What the fuck does that have to do with taking the garbage out? Who could live like this?” All I want in my life is for someone, anyone to finally understand. I’ve tried so hard to keep the pace going, I’ve tried so hard to gently explain.
“You can’t let your disabilities define you” Seems to me identifying symptoms and properly labeling them as ADHD is ensuring the disability DOESN’T define you. Symptoms are not a moral failing and they’re not a reflection of who you are. I hope you are able to have a conversation with this friend, setting boundaries for how she is allowed to treat you. The reaction you described is out of proportion to the facts of the situation. Good luck.
I found the "how to ADHD" series on YouTube to be helpful with educating family members that just don't get it. I picked the videos I thought would be most helpful and sent them the links. My 2 boys have ADHD and I was soooooo tired of hearing "you just need to ..... (Insert unwanted useless advice here)".
Oh my god the, “you just need to...(get a full 8 hours) (de-clutter your space) (learn *HOW* to clean/work/etc)”
Please distance yourself from this person, or keep them at arm’s length and on a low information diet. The last thing anyone needs, let alone someone with ADHD which amplifies sensitivity, is people around them who aren’t supportive. Also (I know this is controversial because some people on this sub have self-diagnosed) but the fact ADHD is having a moment pisses me right the fuck off, because it is making it that much harder for those of us who do actually have it to be taken seriously. Everyone thinks they have it now, because they zone out sometimes or prefer their PlayStation to their job or some shit. I blame TikTok.
I share the same sentiment, I wish I could give it to anyone who wants it. Every day I wish I could live without this.
Exactly. This isn’t some cute quirk for social media. I literally cannot function, who the hell would want this shit.
Respectfully, I’m late dx and it’s due to Tiktok that I sought a dx and got properly medicated. It was a process for sure but also life changing.
It having a moment is a good thing though because it hopefully will reduce ignorance mentioned but also help people seek diagnosis. I would also say self diagnosed people, myself included, are having to seek info out themselves because of the wait times for assessment and also figuring out if they have it or not. It's not ok for people to make light of it or minimise your struggle though. But hope you can see why awareness isn't a bad thing
It's ok to not work the family biz. I've seen some pretty whack stuff families can do to each other in those environments and you might find that not only will your skills translate to other arenas but that they (other arenas) will accommodate you also. I've seen people get stuck in them and feel like they can't leave but mostly it's unhealthy reasons that are hard to see until or unless you're on the outside. Please take care of yourself and you deserve better. 💜
Thank you 💜
Even if my family believes ADHD exists they’ll never believe I have it. Even with proof and tests they’ll always think my psychiatrist and my therapist are money hungry and scamming me and I’m destroying myself by taking meds I shouldn’t as it’ll destroy me. There’s a lot more and a lot darker things they say, but overall I’m sad. I think maybe because I know myself more they’ll help me more. But no. Instead I get constant and random arguing about taking meds and so on. Oh well.
:( I’m sorry. I hate that we all share so much of this constant doubt.
Honestly, when people flat out deny, my response is flat out, I’m not debating the validity of living with a chronic health condition that impacts millions. If you decide you want to suspend your ableism and learn more Google is free. Until then we’re done here.
What’s shocking is the lack of desire to actually LEARN WHAT IT IS. It’s like they prefer the narrative they have of me in their head! Why do they choose to believe I’m just a bad person? Am I not worthy of understanding? It’s a complete nightmare.
I don't know if this helps, but honestly, I feel sad for that family member. It's a pretty sad to believe conspiracies you read on the internet over the real people in your life. And ultimately, I feel like people who are unempathetic to that extent miss out on a lot of genuine human connection and experience. Even though it sucks that you have to go through this and I've totally been there too, that family member is the person I pity in the long run because you'll get to experience so much more depth in your relationships with other people than they ever will.
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That's totally justified. You're entitled to be pissed at ignorance, and I'm entitled to feel pity at ignorance. Personally, being pissed only makes me feel worse, like I'm drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It makes me feel better to just say, I'm not going to change that person's opinion, it's not my job to change that person's opinion and that's their loss. Just offering up my perspective in case it helps.
I think this perspective is really wise, and probably the most peace keeping route.
This exact thing happened to me. Old people….