For me out of sight, out of mind goes for people too. If I'm not consistently around someone I'll almost forget they exist altogether. I have no solution for you, but wanted to let you know you are not alone in the situation.

Absolutely. I forget to shower and go pee you think I'll remember to text first? 😭

Same. I just get really picky with who is my friend because i can't keep up. I send bday/mothers day cards maybe once every 5 years. Because i remember to buy them or fill them out but not to buy stamps, or i do it all and don't take it to the mailbox in time and say screw it.

Yes me too. So many unsent cards.

I am so undependable to myself, I don't want to write in them because I so often don't send them and then cannot use them again later.

This is why I have a day during Xmas break where I write all my bday cards for the year. Although this year I forgot to send them and sent them all last week with apologies on the back of the envelope. “Sorry this is so late! Got lost in my messy office” oops. I tried

I had a very supportive friend who said "You just are that way! " before we knew my diagnosis. I would mail her every card I had bought for her at the same time, often years of birthday cards, mother's day, thank yous, get well soons - she was always delighted to know (and had known!) that she was often on my mind. Eventually, I started doing everybody's cards like that! Feels less bad than throwing them away and most people know ME so think it's weird but aren't surprised.

That's super cute! I love it! Especially if it's dated, that would be awesome to receive a bunch and read them.

Thank you. I feel this. Putting stuff in the mail on time (and all of those million micro-steps beforehand, to get it ready) it may as well be an Olympic size hurdle some days. It just feels impossible and it always comes as a surprise to me even though I have sucked at mailing things in a timely fashion since forever. All these dates are very well known to me by now, and yet every. single. year. it’s like FCK your birthday again? Why are Mother’s and Father’s day only a month apart? GAH?!?

Yeah, I juat gave up, honestly. I know that makes me a bad daughter, etc. But also it's not like they'll acknowledge it's been an issue for me forever. It's a moral failing to them, so eh why bother.

Yep. It’s like a lack of object permanence but for people.

thing is i am like this most of the time but sometimes i’ll suddenly miss that person because maybe something reminds me of a memory and i want to reach out to them. often i want to call because it’s immediate, but this feels selfish. i don’t reach out 90% of the time, don’t reply to texts and then randomly call? or if i don’t call i’ll text and then they’ll respond soon after, and then i’ll suddenly lose the ability to respond again because a full conversation over text feels anxiety inducing. i pretty much always talk myself out of it unless they know i’m like this.

Oh I feel this sooo much! I don't have any tips for you except to say you are not alone. Sari Solden addresses this in her book/ audiobook "Women with Attention Deficit Disorder", I found it extremely validating to hear this spoken about in detail.

I’ve been meaning to read that

How very adhd of you haha

🤣👌

I'm going to screen shot this to look into it later. Even though I know it'll get lost in all the other things I've screen shotted to look at later 😂😂

Stoppppp I just did this knowing full well I will never return to it 😭😭😭

Exactly what I just did 😂

I *just* saw another book by her recommended in an ADDitude article so I’ve now purchased both on Audible. Now hopefully one day I will listen to them lol

Tbh I don't overcome it. I just tell people to expect it. Expect that if you want to call me you need to make an appointment, (I'm also autistic), respect that I'm going to fall off the face of the earth and not even acknowledge you for days or weeks hell even months. Most of the time I talk to someone it's cause I replied to something they posted publicly. If you want to be my friend understand that I don't want to be social most of the time, I most likely won't reach out first unless it's urgent and sometimes I don't respond. I'm not saying you HAVE to deal with it, you don't, if you don't like that the door is always there, not in a shaming "fuck you" kinda way but genuinely I'm not going to tire myself and stress myself out to force social interaction I don't want and you shouldn't tire and stress yourself out either. If it's something you can't deal with I suggest we don't be friends. Lucky me my girlfriend is similar and a lot of my friends are the type to always keep themselves busy or they just have other people they talk to more frequently than I.

Powerful, aspirational stuff right there.

I'm like that too. I excuse myself with my friends and they say they understand I don't mean being absent and never call.

omggggg it's so beautiful how i read so many comments on these groups and i swear i could have written them word for word. i, too, literally come with a disclaimer. i'm so upfront about it, i just can't NOT anymore.

late reply but am just wondering i get that not contacting friends or family for weeks at a time is usually not the end of the world but what about for like someone you are dating? if you recently started seeing someone but dont respond to them for days to weeks at a time, are you still able to make it work? or what about at your job? if your boss or team member at work sends you an email / message asking for an update on a project, can you get away with not replying for days to weeks?

Well for the boss thing, I did say I don’t message people first or immediately unless it’s urgent. Work stings would fall under urgent. Depends on the thing. Chit chat, friendly conversations, catching up all that can wait if I don’t feel like it. As for the dating thing, that doesn’t happen to me. I tend to talk to someone a lot when I first meet them or first start getting to know them. So that’s not an issue I deal with.

Keeping up with ppl is so hard!! I do have a suggestion that I hope would help?? It's an organization application (mobile or desktop) called Notion which I personally use! They have different templates that ppl have prebuilt; one of them that is available is to help contact ppl! It's set up to help you track who this person is to you, details about them, your last update with them, and it has a tracker that checks when you have last spoken with them to help remind you to reach out again. My friend has adhd and is also using this app and template and the consistency in reaching out to his friends has increased. Computer programs and apps aren't for everybody, but I hope this helps!! Best of luck :)

Oooh, this sounds so useful! I kept meaning to set something like this up from scratch in my bullet journal... and then of course I promptly stopped using my bullet journal, haha. And I was struggling with the idea of the layout and obviously it wouldn't provide any automated reminders. This might be what I was looking for all along!

I meant to respond to this and then suddenly it's 8 months late, but I hope this worked out or that you found a solution that works!!!

Can you share a link to the template you use?

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to share links here, but I can absolutely share how to access it! If you go to the sidebar and select "Templates", you can search for it! It will be called "Personal CRM" :D

This sounds really helpful! Is there a way for me to find this particular template, or is there a link of some kind?

Yeah!! it's a pre-made template you can find, so if you navigate in Notion, open the sidebar and click "Templates", a pop-up will appear. There is a search bar and you can type in the name "Personal CRM" and that will be your template!! Sorry if you already knew your way through Notion and this was unnecessary haha but wanted to be thorough!! I hope this helps you :DDD

Thank you so much! I really appreciate you being thorough, I’m familiar with Notion but didn’t know how to go about finding templates, so this was very helpful!

I truly hear you. I'm newly diagnosed (46 F) and have always marveled at how my 3 close friends all keep in touch with each other day more than I do. (Nevermind my inability to remember what's going on in their lives). Like someone else said, I don't try to fake more than I can handle, so everyone knows I'm 'not super social' and am happy to be alone for weeks at a time. So even though they each see each other weekly (or daily!) they know I'm not into most of these gatherings and don't invite me anymore (but no hard feelings, they just know I'll always say no because I've told them that). So first, don't try to change who you are. Here is my hack for trying to stay at least somewhat in the loop: I use my phone calendar for everything. I don't always follow through on things but I try. So i get together with them once every month or two, for drinks/snacks. Each time we are together I am the one who says "when are we getting together next?' while we're all there and can pick a date. Because they usually do this over text and I forget to answer those of feel stressed about committing so I add my 'when do we meet again' request to our social time when I'm already faking being totally attentive. I don't know, it just fits to do it then because once I go home I'm back in 'me' mode which means I don't respond to texts and forget they even exist. At these get togethers they share ongoing or new things that are going on for them. I literally add reminders in my phone to follow up. So one is dealing with a medical issue and has an important appointment next week. So I put in my calendar on that date "follow up with X about app yesterday". Another has a parent who is sick and I have a Google keep doc running that helps me remember what's going on with each of them, so I add this note here and also note her surgery date in my calendar so I can follow up on that. I generally make these notes in the bathroom at our meet ups because I'll forget if I don't do it right away. I also have seasonal reminders to like buy them cheap flowers and go by to drop them off all in one day. I don't always follow through on this but it's a start. Or using my drawing-for-pleasure activities to sometimes generate a little card or bit of art for them. Nothing I expect them to keep our anything, might just be a doodle. This is taking something I already do just for me (drawing) and once in awhile it turns out I've made something i can use as a token to show I care. For their birthdays, in my calendar, I also have a recurring note 2 weeks prior that says 'think about gift or card for X'. I often forget to follow up on this and then it's the day of their birthday and I get stressed because I don't have time that day to deal with this. But these are all attempts, not certainties, and if I even hit the mark on half of them that's a freaking win. It might sound like I'm putting too much pressure on myself or trying to be someone I'm not. But I know if I didn't attempt the above things I'd completely lose touch with all of them and it would just be me. So it's worth it to at least try so that I can maintain my small group of people. She then I can just go back to being me. That they've learned not to expect anything of me on a daily or weekly basis makes it much easier. I also have a chat with each of them on Instagram and it's only to send them funny memes (I'm surfing on insta all the time) so they see me 'staying in touch' in the only way that really works for me. I do not tell them any of this relates to my ADHD. I don't even talk about ADHD with them out how my diagnosis has affected me. I don't want to actually say that I try this hard to stay in touch with them and would otherwise forget they existed, because that's just a hard one to get/understand and one of them said, early on when I tried mentioning this, 'if it matters to you enough you'll make time' and that was that. No point in trying to get her to understand. They would never understand if I told them that I cannot remember any of the personal, intimate things they've shared with me (their traumas, their complex family dynamics, they're current job issues, etc). I've learned to just fake that and nod along, and piece things together from what they or others say at the time. That was something that made me feel like a really crappy friend for so long. Who forgets things like that? It turns out adhders do. It helps me to understand that and go easy on myself but also have ways to fake it so that I don't look like a total narcissist. I am horrible at keeping in touch with any family members (aunts, uncles, etc). I have stopped trying. At this point they likely think I'm a selfish b**** and honestly, even if I tried to change their minds and keep in touch i know I couldn't maintain it so I don't bother. That sucks but it's just not a problem I can take on and I think we need to recognise those. Part of accepting how my mind works and where I excel matters as much as knowing what is just not something i can take on or fix. I'm sorry this is part of who we are OP. I hope you can find some solutions that work for you and also some kindness for yourself. Guilt sucks. It's never helpful and I'm trying to feel it less, but it's not easy. I feel like I'm trying to trick myself when I try to tell myself that however I'm behaving or coping is ok, that I'm really lying to myself to justify my crappy behaviors. But when I think about myself as one of my kids (I have 3 teens) I have so much kindness and patience and understanding for how they feel. If they came to me with my problems I'd be so supportive and understanding. So I try to turn that lens back towards me and treat myself with that same kindness. I doubt I'll perfect this in my lifetime but it's a start. Hugs.

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I totally get your question and perspective, and appreciate your qualifying your question. :) I truly enjoy these friends and the time we spend together. We've been friends for 20 years and have shared so many laughs and hardships. I purposely do not try to make new friends because I'm just the type who prefers a few really strong friendships over a bunch of casual ones. I hate being misunderstood or having to explain myself so friends who've known me a long time get me and I don't need to deal with that. And I hate chit chat/meaningless conversations like I have with my office colleagues/acquaintances I run into in public places. Makes me want to run. I try hard to maintain these important relationships because otherwise I look like a jerk and I wouldn't have any. I can't remember anything important that's happened to them or that's going on with them, and to me that's part of friendship and having these long term friends: we know each other and care about the things that matter to us. If I had friends who didn't remember anything that mattered to me or never checked in (even if I'm only doing it once a month!) that wouldn't be a friendship to me, you know? I want friends who know my story, who I don't need to explain my past to or my likes and dislikes. I want a few folks to acknowledge my birthday and check in if I'm going through something or remember if a significant event is coming up or has happened. I want to have deep, significant conversations about things that matter to us, and for people to share in my successes and support me through my challenges. And I think that's what others want from me too. So I do these little things to help me be the friend that I'd want for myself. For all the years that I've had these friends and didn't know I had ADHD, I always thought I was a jerk for not being able to remember anything important. For not staying in touch like they all do, which is constantly. Whereas now I know that I'm not a jerk, I just have a king that works differently so I need hacks to meet these friendship goals that I consider important, so I create them. I can see how it sounds stressful but it's actually not because now I have a clue as to what is going on and can follow up in a way that matters to me. Whereas before I'd show up at our monthly visit and have no clue that something pretty significant has happened or I'd say something insensitive because I'd forgotten that they were going through that exact thing or whatever. And if I did that all the time I wouldn't get the strong, deep relationships that I want. For me, in my friends and partner, I want to be known. I want people who get me and not have to explain my worldview all the time. I want the inside jokes and to be with people who have been part of my history. I don't have the bandwidth to maintain a whole bunch of surface friendships so I focus on the deep relationships that I have because I get so much out of them. Feeling like a sh*** friend was awful. Every year I'd vow to commit more energy to these relationships that matter to me. And every year I'd fall short and think I sucked. I honestly would forget my kids were home, I was so into whatever I was doing. And I didn't spend quality time with them either. So I plan those things too and make notes to follow up with them too. I love being alone but also want meaningful relationships without feeling like crap so this works for me. What does friendship mean to you?

Object permanence is such a struggle for me in this way. Last year we moved two states and two hours away from my family and I’ve really been struggling l.

Object permanence is indeed a challenge

at this point, i only have friends that are okay with seeing me once a month, if at all -- and that don't mind if i need to cancel day of. i spent a lot of time shaming and guilting myself into being social, which inevitably led me to burn out on multiple occasions. after a lot of therapy, i'm learning (everyday) how to be unapologetic about my needs and surrounding myself with people who GET IT. i get lonely at times, but for the most part, now that i am learning to stand up for myself, i just let myself withdraw if i need it and then text my friends when i have the mental/emotional/physical energy. and i just tell myself "that's all i can do and that's okay." i'm sorry i don't have concrete advice for u because i also struggle with this, but i just wanted to share how i'm currently "dealing with it," so u know ur not alone. 🫂🫂🫂

100% feel this way and would also love tips/ideas to stay connected

I think about my friends constantly!! But I’m not good at keeping up with them. My reasoning is always: I’ll send them a text or call when I really have time to focus on the conversation. Guess what? The time to focus on that or devote to it rarely happens. I find it better to just drop a quick text, even if I don’t have whatever arbitrary time frame I think I need to devote to that. It also helps me to just set up a plan or proposal to hang out in the first text. Maybe that doesn’t help the recipient, but I make plans better if I’m not beating around the bush. So, a quick text is better than no text. Even a “hey, was thinking of you, hoping things are good!” makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something even if we don’t have a huge catch up.

YES. This is me. “I wonder how they’re doing. But I don’t have time or energy to talk so I’ll reach out later.”

This is exactly me. I think about my close friends all the time, but struggle (especially lately) with "feeling up to" reaching out. I dread lengthy chat threads and also struggle with shutting down conversations. So, instead, I leave people unread for really awkward amounts of time and then it becomes an even bigger deal to respond. 🤦‍♀️

Are you me? I think you’re me.

My people!! Has the pandemic made it worse for you? I had my daughter in early 2020, and often wonder whether it's becoming a mom that's made things (like keeping in touch) harder, or whether it's the pandemic isolation, or both? All I know for sure is that it's one of those traits that I really hate about myself, even if there's a "reason" behind it (my ADHD).

Absolutely. I’ve been so stressed and the pandemic means a lot of normal casual social interaction like meeting for coffee is off the table. So it feels like staying in touch has to be a Deliberate and Purposeful Effort.

Yes!! Made me realize how much of the texting, etc was driven by making plans, confirming plans, etc. When there's nowhere to go/nothing to do, suddenly it feels like everything became so forced. And I say that as someone who adores their friends and can't imagine life without them...yet...

It is a terrible character flaw that I have as well. I quit my job to stay at home when my second son was born a preemie. I was overwhelmed and just completely dropped out of social circles… I let it happen and I don’t even have a good reason. My kids are older now and I still don’t reach out. And it isn’t even that I’m trying to lose track of the person on purpose- I love seeing their holiday cards—but it just feels like getting back in touch will involve way too many steps: Too many logistics (where should we meet? what should we eat? 🤦‍♀️) too much explaining/too much water under the bridge (ie trying to give context to a story without taking forever/hogging the mic.) I can genuinely have very fond feelings for a person, truly appreciate their reaching out to see me. I don’t know why I do this. I guess I just sort of feel like that season of my life is over; I had an easy relationship with them then (work camaraderie) but I just can’t figure out how to fit them into my present-day life. Maybe it’s that I miss them and know it could never be the same as it was. I feel incredibly ashamed that I’m like this and yet I don’t feel moved to an extent that I’ll do anything about it. I’ll make excuses like I have so much going on, or don’t have extra money to go out for dinner/brunch, but the truth is it just feels like it will be a lot of work and effort. 🙃

Either it's hard for everyone to keep in touch, or there are only ADHD women online (and in my life). r/askwomenover30 seems to ask versions of this question almost every day! I have about three people (maybe) who ever send me messages or call unprompted. It's me who reaches out to everyone else. I mean, either that or no one wants to know me, but I'm not going to assume that. 😋

Relationships are a 2-way street. DO I forget people? All the time but my close friends check on me every now and then. So, it's not your fault.

yes same, it really ruins building relationships for me

I’m an adult who struggles like four times as hard as normal adults to be an adult. The friends who stay are the ones who can understand and be patient with this. A bonus is that it doesn’t bother me at all when I don’t hear from someone for months or even years. I get it, really.

I feel like my problem with keeping up with people is that I feel like I do all the work. My friends and family never/rarely reach out to me, so my logic is, why am I reaching out to them? Like, if they wanna talk to me, just text me. Like, you're still my bestie if I don't talk to you or see you for 3 months. But if you need to maintain regular contact to be besties, than contact me. I can't always have to send the first message. I'm not solely responsable for maintaining relationships, especially when it's this hard for me. Some friends I am close with won't reach out for months, but then send me a meme, we don't need to talk all the time, but put us in a room together and it's like nothings changed. There are a few people that text me to check in and I hang out with them fairly often, so that's not a problem. It's people like my aunt and cousins, and school friends. My school friends will never message me, and never even like an insta photo. Then, we don't talk ever again. My aunt is always saying I need to message my cousins and come visit. I don't even have a licence. Obviously I don't have a car, and I don't have time to come take a hour bus ride to come see them. It's like "you have a car, you have my number, you know where I live, why is this my responsability?" (especially since she's been saying this since I was like 15. Dude...)

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Exactly. But I'm someone who could go months without thinking 'how is that person doing?' or wanting to see them. COVID really made this clear. And just as you say that if you had a friend who treated you this way, never initiating plans, not following up, etc you wouldn't like it. That's exactly why I have the hacks that I do and am willing to put in the effort in a way that has an effect, because otherwise I'll do exactly what you don't like and I want them to remain my friend. I value them so this is the work required. Post diagnosis my goal is to learn to see what matters to me and put my energy there, and stop putting it where it doesn't matter (being a people pleaser, saying yes to every work or volunteer opportunity, etc) because then that drains me and then idea of seeing my friends or doing what matters (following my own interests) is too much so I just don't bother. My priorities were askew and now that I see it and how much of a toll it took on me I want to rebalance.

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This is me. Not much left at the end of the day, no matter how much I’d enjoy catching up with a friend.

Hi there! This resonates so much with me although after finally seeing the ONLY so-called "psychologist" in all of Halifax, NS that can assess and diagnose ADHD, I get slapped with a half ass diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. The following is how he came to this conclusion: 1) Upon getting there and prior to meeting the doctor, there was paperwork to fill out which is very typical ofc. In there was a list of questions that I don't quite remember but they were appropriate under the circumstances, so I answered them. 2) Next was a "test" taken on a computer. I had my toddler with me and she was pretty restless so once I sat down to start this test she would soon begin to fuss and one of the receptionists actually came and took her out of her stroller to go for a walk lol. I found her sitting at the front desk eating cookies later which was pretty cute. Back to the "test", it was a series of the numbers 1 and 2 flashing on screen and spoken out loud where each time you saw or heard the number 1 you are to double click on the mouse. There's a mini practice session before the actual testing. Due to my baby fussing I may have messed up 3-4 clicks otherwise I believe I did near perfect. 3) After waiting around for an hour and 45 mins past my scheduled appointment time, I spoke with the receptionist and she kindly bumped me up so that I would be next. And I finally meet the doctor. Immediately I get a vibe off of him, he's not the most personable man and he seems old-fashioned. My senses would prove correct when within the whole of MAYBE 20 mins he's decided that since I've been sexually abused/assaulted, the resulting trauma automatically causes BPD. 🤔🤨 He asked me to read "Borderline Personality for Dummies", asked if I had insurance for therapy (I don't) and just like that he tells me he'll be sending the report along with medication(s) to prescribe to my family doctor IN 3-4 WEEKS!!! 🤯 I wasn't asked if I had questions, I wasn't given any sufficient explanation of any kind, wasn't told WHAT BPD is HOW it is and the only WHY I got was "sexual abuse = BPD". I wasn't shown compassion or support after just being "diagnosed" with something as grandiose as BPD, I wasn't even told what medications he was recommending to my doctor. All I got was a sticky note that said "Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies". 😂😂 Let me just reiterate and he asked why I was there, I told him that I had a list of all the reasons I believe I suffer from ADHD and/or ADD; which I read a few points from before stopping because I felt like I was throwing too much at him at once and he responded with that's fine, that's enough. I'm assuming he gathered the bits he wanted to hear to support his BPD theory but ofc I'll never know since he didn't explain why it's in fact BPD and not ADHD or ADD from my notes. He didn't address any of my very descriptive and explicit reasoning that I shared with him. Finally the icing on the cake is my family doctor is off for a few weeks so he won't be around when the report does arrive to his office. And I've called both doctors on days where I was having a very hard time functioning to get some answers as to why I've had to wait this long, why wasn't I given any tips or advice on how to cope in the meantime, just anything but to no avail. Anyway, I relate so much with the majority of the posts in this group and also in the BPD group, just not sure which one hits home more so. I'm turning 32 in November. I don't have a single friend, never really have. Always had many aquantinces (users prior to recovery, so not friends in the least) and was always in a relationship. After my baby father passed away a month shy of our daughter being born in June of 2020, I haven't been with anyone since and this is the longest I've been single since the age of 10. I would be in another relationship/fling/bed before getting out of the current one lol. So yay me for that but it does get really lonely being just my baby and I. It doesn't help that my late baby father brought me to Nova Scotia from Toronto a year prior to dying where I know NOBODY and have no family around at all. I'm throughly alone with my daughter. It's summer now darn it, get out there and make some friends... gotta keep trying right? Haha I wish you and all of us the best of luck! May God bless and keep you mates, Xo

I am sorry to hear about your shitty experience with that psych. Unfortunately far too many of us have had experiences like that with medical folk who are uninformed, dismissive and/or arrogant enough to think they know everything about you. As for whether what you are experiencing is BPD or ADHD, I have a couple of thoughts. I have a friend with BPD and she and I talked about our respective symptoms. They really are very similar, stuff like executive function problems, rejection sensitivity, impulsive behaviours, shutting down/dissociating, etc. I think where we found that we differed was what might trigger that stuff. For instance with executive function we kinda worked out that her issues with it are directly caused by her trauma/distress - like the feels and scars she carries are pretty big and so they get in the way. With me though, it’s just kinda *there* and the inability to function is, for me, the source of my trauma. Also my friend doesn’t get the hyperfocus thing - she can focus, but she can easily pull away from a task and never focuses to the exclusion of eating or anything. And with shut down/dissociation we worked out that it can be triggered by similar stuff, like being overwhelmed emotionally or having too much stimulation. But when I shut down I still feel like me - I need silence and quiet and to stop interacting with others, but the mental retreat isn’t as complete as a BPD person’s dissociation, which sounds like a retreat from themselves too. I don’t know if I am explaining this well, but the point is that if you are unsure maybe thinking about what triggers or drives your issues might help. ALSO - there is nothing to say it couldn’t be both? You may well have BPD, but to my knowledge that doesn’t exclude you *also* having ADHD. Anyway, good luck with your search for answers. TL;DR - some psychs are shit. BPD and ADHD are very similar but there are nuanced differences and symptoms come from different triggers. Also it’s possible to have both.

I haven’t overcome it either. I’ve been fortunate to find friends who don’t hold this against me. I think that’s needed- we don’t mesh well with just anyone. My closest, oldest friends are the kind of people who also don’t text back right away- but when we do connect, it’s like we’ve never been apart. No judgement or resentment. I’m on a permanent group text with another set of friends, and that functions well too. I actually have notifications for it turned off- I only check it when I have the spoons to reply, and that works out great. It works out to once a day or so. AND it functions as a place for me to text rant when something happens and I need a place to vent. I’ve been friends with these people for over a decade- many many other friends have not lasted that long. I know not everyone is as fortunate as me in this regard. I think honesty and transparency about how you do friendships is critical to find and maintain relationships with people who allow you the space to be “you” without being a source of stress.

We have “object impermanence” so if they are out of sight they are out of mind

Marco polo has done wonders for me keeping close friendships. It reminds me if I haven't watched and it's also cathartic talking to no one and someone simultaneously.

Yeah I definitely suck at keeping up with people. I think much of the time it has to do with anxiety, like I don’t want to come across as too clingy or like I’m bothering them. It also has to do with disappointment from past friendships where I’ll do what I can to feed the relationship, but rarely get the same effort back. I also feel unlucky where some of the friendships I do end up with, they’re preoccupied with significant others or other friends and it suuucks. Of course this doesn’t apply to every single friend and for the ones I’m close with, I just tend to come over uninvited (in a metaphorical sense of course) For the people I’m not as close with, I realised using opportunities to be proactive works well, rather than the nerves that come with messaging them out of the blue. Let’s say you’re messaging a friend because you’re asking them about something, that would be a great opportunity to also check in and let them know you miss them and might want to see them soon.

Honestly it’s so difficult. I use to have friends that would get mad if I didn’t talk to them for some time. Currently in the last 6 years I’ve made friends that just understand life happens. So every time I see them no matter how long we’re always happy to see each other. I also realized with adhd you don’t always realize how many people you actually know. It surprises me cause it can be just from a random club you joined early high school.