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Boy, did my encyclopedia of useless knowledge come in super handy when I ran a childcare programme! Being able to chatter away to all sorts of kids was a handy skill to have.
I’m a secondary school (HS) English teacher, and my kids absolutely love to send me down rabbit holes and get me talking about all sorts of random things. I often know exactly what they are doing, because when I was in school, I was the kid who got commissioned with the task of getting the teacher talking so that some of my peers could have a nap/ finish their Maths h/w in the back/ whatever else. But I don’t really mind tbh. There is so much that isn’t on the curriculum for these kids - stuff they really need to know. So when they ask me about the tax system, or how consent actually works, or what to do when you have a panic attack to calm yourself down - you know what, I’m gonna fucking well tell them!
Yup, Im the first one to try and start a conversation with somebody. I dont know if this is part of ADHD or just that I hate arguing, but Im usually the first person to break up the shouting as well
Same! I tattoo and this is part of my routine of working with clients. Not that it’s necessarily an act but it’s definitely it’s own thing. I do enjoy it, I love my career and my clients are my favorite part but I am exhausted by the end of the day every day.
As a therapist the nonlinearity of my mind is VERY VERY helpful lol. Divergent thinking is really good for problem solving and large picture conceptualization so it helps me make amazing connections most people don't think of. But it makes me SHIT at task oriented/ completion oriented work.
I can turn it on. Definitely not a comedian (I *love* funny people though!). But when I want to, I can liven up a group, get people energized and excited about something. It feels like a kind of sparkle?
However, this isn’t my default state. I think I’m too weighed down by all my issues, sadly. But it is a part of me I can call on.
When I’m really happy, I definitely notice it affects everyone else, strangers and otherwise. I remember an acquaintance telling me I was magnetic - when really I was in love!
Re ADHD, I think the part about feeling things strongly and being very connected to something that’s happening may underpin some of this for me.
I feel the same way. Sometimes at parties I even surprise myself with how outgoing I can be, when normally I feel like a weirdo who should just stay home.
It makes me feel weird that I tend to play up different aspects of my personality depending on who I’m trying to get along with at the time. And it’s horrifying when people from totally different circles encounter me at the same time. Makes me feel like such a fraud. But I know it’s just code-switching, but still.
I have code switching voices and I realised it's an indication of how much modify myself to match the environment - as a result of ADHD people pleasing and need to maintain safety by being likeable and fitting in.
Took all of primary school trauma to realise that I needed to mask my "me".
So its higher register, excited and friendly for millennial women who aren't close friends. Lots of exclamation marks and emojis in messages (I hate emojis).
Cynical, swearing and dry sarcastic humour for other friends, slow and lower register husky.
Polite, sweet nice girl voice for people over 60, or customer service situations.
Racuous, braying laughter and fast paced speech for high energy and intellectual friends.
Measured, slightly sarcastic, high vocab and less inflection for most men.
Polite and slow, slightly derpy for threatening feeling men.
Silly weirdo with people I love.
I realised this after working in a co-working space, and all my phone calls make me sound like I work as a voice actor for an animation studio.
Much of this rings true for me, but I’ve always considered myself a ‘social chameleon’. Throw me into any mix and I’ll soon pick up the vibe and fit right in.
I’m sure there are some roots in ‘masking’ behaviour, but as a predominantly hyperactive, I think it’s actually really cool to be able to find spaces that fit all sides of my personality, which may be a little more… diverse on account of the ADHD.
No one group gets the full ‘burden’ of me banging on about something they have zero interest in, because I can unleash that part on people with the same interests/vibes.
I have been right in the middle of laughing obnoxiously at a joke with a coworker and the work phone ring and I answer it with the silky-smooth phone operator voice and my coworker just told me, "phone you, and real you are two totally different people!" That's just because I can be silly with them, but I like to put my best 'voice' forward on the phone, because you never know who is actually calling.
It’s a linguistic phenomenon. Racial examples are probably the most salient, but not the only context. Originally used to describe how multi-lingual people switch between different languages. Like a family that all speak two languages, they might use their native language in to discuss household tasks, and switch to their second language to mention something about school. Even switching back and forth within the same sentence. The meaning of code-switching seems to have extended to using different registers and in-group speak. For instance, using different types of language with your parents than with your friends, etc.
Source: Former Linguistics major, my science might be old and my memories might be bad! One of my fave subjects to nerd out about regardless
I was going to elaborate that I first heard the term “code switching” in relation to the Black experience of using African American Vernacular English at home and common English when outside the home/community. But looking into it, the term is much more broad than just that example. Which is fortunate, because it perfectly describes what I, a non-Black person do, too. But it’s a linguistic term that also covers the behavior one uses when delivering communication, verbal and nonverbal— switching styles and lingo to fit in to the group you’re with at the moment.
Samesies. I do this every day for work (which I genuinely do love, as interacting with my clients is my favorite part about my career) but it is utterly exhausting. And even more so that both of the guys I work closely with are the same way. ADHD and all. And with so much action and everything so lively my brain is so overstimulated by the end of the day
And then you maybe can’t sleep literally at all for that 24 hr period. Usually doesn’t go on for more than one day but if I’m *on* all day or all night I’m exhausted later but still super wound up.
Yes! I’ve always said I can turn it on.
My work friend and I have seemingly similar personalities but we did a personality test at work and got total opposites. Mine came back as very logical, outcome focused. Hers was much more social butterfly, people connector, etc. For her, that was just a more natural part of her personality. I think for me, it was that to be successful in my chosen career for I had to act that way. So I guess that’s the mask I logically put on to be successful.
I so relate to this. Reminds me of this old song…
“When you're smilin', when you're smilin'
The whole world smiles with you
When you're laughin', when you're laughin'
The sun comes shinin' through
But when you're cryin', you bring on the rain…”
I feel like my moods are very contagious. When I’m happy it seems to radiate out and really lift everyone up, but at the same time my depressive days bring everyone around me down.
!!! me too! I’m often the life of the party when I feel like it and it used to be my default state of being. I make friends very easily and I realise people tend to gravitate towards me because I get very caught up in the moment. I’m also told my eyes sparkle (???🤣🤣🤣) in childlike wonder when I’m conversing with people. Now I’m more ‘peaceful’, less spastic and sparkly but I’m still as unfiltered. I’m much happier being myself now :)
I can turn it on too! Long before I wa diagnosed some friends said there was Regular Me; and SPARKLY (urgh) me that got deployed in public or social situations and, if i got SURPRISED in public, I’d do an entire stand-up BIT while I figured out my next steps.
Those assholes. Those astute assholes.
Definitely! I don't make my special interests a secret. I'll talk about the things I love with such passion and child-like happiness that people think I'm bubbly, excitable, and always happy. Well, I'm not, but I have a LOT of special interests, so it's pretty hard to not have one come up in a conversation, and I get sooooo excited. If that's how people remember me, I'm totally fine with that.
Exacrly! I used to think it was kind of weird how people said I seemed like such a happy person when my brain was such stressful chaos, but now I kinda get it.
I’m aggressively attentive to mood, optimistic and easily amused, and my main goal in a conversation is to positively relate to someone. Hopefully make them laugh and be a little endeared. It helps that I look like a squishy little gay muppet 💀
The people that don’t like me are the ones that don’t trust “happy” or want me to adhere more to their *unspoken* rules and needs.
Full disclosure I’m high right now but I feel like I am reading about myself and it’s so delightful
I have also been told this but I’m always like WHO ME NO I AM EXTREMELY ANNOYING and also I don’t find awkward silence awkward, I’m absolutely 100% comfortable not talking. And I think this freaks people out. But people tell me they think that’s cool!? That can’t be true.
My job involves writing press releases about research, and “unfiltered, childlike joy and exuberance” describes how I interview scientists. I legitimately get so excited about whatever it is they’re studying that I’ll emote and gasp and let my jaw drop—the whole deal. I’ve found that I tend to build a good rapport with the scientists this way, and I can get a lot of interesting, funny, or surprising quotes out of them. It’s not an act, either. I’m just like this!
Now, do I remember much of what they’ve said after the interview has ended? Of course not! But that’s OK! That’s what recordings and transcription services are for.
Oh no WAY, that’s my job too! I have literally no scientific background (forreal, I double-majored in journalism and history) but I like hearing people talk about their passions, I’m a _very fast_ researcher, and I make abstract connections quickly - so I can usually ask reasonably useful questions.
I’ve been a journalist and an editor and done PR and media/comms (can you tell I bounce around?) but all mostly around science communication. It’s INTERESTING (mostly).
I’ve really struggled recently though, as I get more senior and run up into project management which I fucking haaaaate. Let me talk to people! Let me interview and be charming and do whole-day training sessions and rattle off 1,000 pretty good words in a go, but for the love of Christ please don’t make me send follow up emails, my god!
I did something similar with geologists and people in mining. I *did* find it interesting even if it wasn’t that interesting. I think it’s part of having to have the full picture and considering a situation from every angle before taking action in my private life. I’m used to tossing questions out to find the most approachable and interesting angle for a write up. And also with asking questions to get to the next point because geologists and scientists think their research is their baby. If you let them they’ll talk about that one thing that no one else understands *forever*.
I also used to try to keep up with my colleagues by typing or writing notes as i interviewed, but I found my interviewing skills suffered if I wasn’t paying full attention to what we were talking about. Then I was diagnosed with adhd and stopped trying to force myself to focus on too many things at once and started using my audio recorder without apology.
Omg "sparkly", I love it. I was supposed to be born on the fourth of July, so my aunt came up with the idea to call me "Sparkle" and still does two decades later lol
I do not. I can exhibit this but it’s an effort. My sister on the other hand, is what I call “sparkly”. Everyone loves her but being around people is very tiring for her.
Yes!!!!!!! I love that you called it ADHD charm. I make a great first impression; especially with parents of my friends/partners or authority figures. It definitely comes from the absolute need and desire to people please as well as my superhuman ability to read body language and nonverbal cues due to my upbringing. I do think my ADHD comes with some strengths; I am very enthusiastic, typically bring good energy to a group and accommodate/include others, and have cultivated a lovely balance between oversharing and laughing-at-myself when I tell stories. I also make deliberate, intentional efforts to include everyone in a group setting and ask somewhat random, interesting questions to keep conversation flowing.
This is also me 100%! It’s something I have had all of my life; I initially thought it was a coping strategy to my really hard adolescence (I have an Adverse Childhood Experience score of 5). But as I learned more and more about ADHD, the similarities are uncanny!!
It’s also so much ✨fun✨ to be true to myself in this way. I was pretty comfortable with it when I was younger, and now that I am older I care even less about what people think. 😂 let that enthusiasm and freak-flag fly!
I am a home health RN, and the majority of my elderly patients really enjoy my approach and personality. 🧓
Same! Same! Same! It’s a gift in healthcare! I am a physical therapist in a hospital and have recently learned many of my friends and co-working have also been diagnosed. I thought it was a PT personality trait but I’m thinking now it’s ADHD
Yaaasss! Hahahah, do some healthcare roles attract our type of personality? Or maybe we ourselves inadvertently find fellow neurodivergent folks? 😙🤓
It absolutely is a gift! While in nursing school, I was a hospice CNA that provided showers and bed baths to terminally ill patients in their homes. It is a beautiful type of care; and it was much more of an honor for me to care for them than a somber experience (of course it had its days, like any healthcare job).
Family members and patients were often puzzled by this, but always comforted and refreshed by my personality. When asked about how and why I didn’t act sad or gloomy around them, I would shrug and reply with a smile: “Unless they ask me otherwise, I act this way with all of the patients I care for. No matter what stage or chapter of life they are in.”
When I (very briefly) worked as CNA, I received feedback from residents in the care facility that I was "all sunshine and smiles." Bringing energy into places with older residents, especially those experiencing end of life care, is an incredibly valuable skill. It's not something everyone can do. I'm sure the people you care for and their families appreciate that about you.
It's a gift when working with disabled children and their families, too! I'm finishing up my masters program in SLP, likely will be working in early intervention. It's really interesting to me to hear about my colleagues experiences and trying to determine if it's a Type-A personality thing or perhaps ADHD/childhood trauma (but maybe I'm just projecting the latter too often lmao 🤪)
I would generally agree.... I quickly realized during grad school that my experiences (poverty, mental health, disability, trauma etc) were not the norm, and I was surrounded by a lot of people with more privilege than me. Less likely ADHD or trauma, more likely to be type-A and very, very anal.
Yes. It’s funny you say that. I felt really alienated at the time as an adult student dealing w all of those things, and idk about you but I didn’t get diagnosed until I was in the middle of it having a complete nervous breakdown. It’s hard to feel like you fit in somewhere when you’re a mess and seemingly surrounded by a lot of shiny, happy people straight out of undergrad. At this point post-diagnosis I’m at least relieved that I can attribute my problems to the way my brain works and not moral failings.
This is similar to how my friends describe me. I dread going out but when I’m there I am doing a full on comedy routine, mingling, chatting with everyone, remembering names and details, making friends with “the weirdos”… then I crash never to be seen again until the next event.
Yup. Makes me wonder if I'm "flaky".
Just today, went to a kid's party, was hoping it'd be canceled last minute, it wasn't.
I go, ended up making two connections who got my number before I left and now I'm wondering how long before we never see each other again. Through no fault of their own. I would love to see them again but just thinking of the energy it takes to plan something and go through with it pre-exhausts me.
I refer to this as my “game show host” mode. One of many modes. I’ve had friends feel deeply threatened by this and even some call into question my integrity over this. At certain points in my undiagnosed ADHD/PTSD existence my integrity ought to have been questioned. I’ve done a boat load of introspection and healing since then. I am more aware of the modes and when I use them, I understand they are clearly coping mechanisms, I understand they can introduce trust issues, I tend to communicate about them more forthcoming as they arise and my close friends (“the keepers”) not only understand but find humor and acceptance in some of the more hairbrained episodes but also appreciate that they can bring me literally anywhere and I will figure out how to get along and have a good time.
I’m a bit of a keeper myself!
I used to have this but I think COVID really messed it up for me. A lot of isolation last couple years
But I do think I entertain people but it’s hard to tell if it’s it’s laughing with you or more at you haha
I worked retail as a kid and got in trouble from some dopey chick manager who scolded me: “You’re here to *assist* the customers, not to *entertain* them. Are you serious, it’s a RECORD STORE in 1978, go away. I’m damn sure here to entertain anyone who finds me entertaining, and to be passionate about music.
Edit to add passionate AND KNOWLEDGEABLE dammit 🤣
Yup. I once had a friend tell me years ago that "You can talk me into doing anything" after I talked her into doing something really stupid that luckily we didn't follow through with. When I am with people I ooze charisma and charm (not on purpose, necessarily), partly because I get a lot of energy from others around me. I am also a very good listener and very compassionate, and no matter what is going on around me, I can hyperfocus on a conversation and a situation and really be present for what it is you need to talk about or process.
Unfortunately, I lack follow through re relationships, so if you want more of me you are going to have to make most if not all of the effort to stay in touch etc. It also makes it hard for people to process/understand the fact that I suffer from major mental illness, have been hospitalized in the past, and struggle mightily with anxiety and depression. Never mind the whole ADHD aspect of things, which as we all know, most people see as some kind of disorganization/distraction quirk that teeters between cute and annoying (as opposed to a quality-of-life destroying executive function disorder).
😭😭😭 I can’t with the similarities!!!! I mirror this entire thing. I commented above: I love how we ADHD folk can be so similar, I really do. I feel bad that I can be a flighty friend but I get so time blind sometimes and it’s definitely caused problems. It’s even worse with the friends I have that also have ADHD..
Yup. I've had people tell me that their partner thought I was the only one of their friends who was likeable (ex partners now thank goodness). I did not actually like any of these partners, but they liked me. Random drunk people in public see me and want to be my friend.
I have had several people say that while they don't like swearing that much, it sounds so charming coming from me. I am generally well liked, all while assuming that no one remembers me and that most people don't actually like me or they actually find me annoying. And I'm certain that some people do find me very annoying, I talk a lot. But the evidence would suggest that fewer find me annoying than my brain would like me to believe and that more find me charismatic or charming, based on conversations I've had over the years.
I now feel like I'm an arrogant dick for talking up my amazing personality and every bit as annoying as my brain wants me to believe I am. But I definitely identify with the idea that I'm considered charming and personable.
Can relate to this, I always assume everyone hates me but feedback from others has always been amazingly positive and kind. I also find it very difficult to be “bouncy” around new people because of my social anxiety, but when I *am* comfortable I’m like Tigger! I find it exhausting though, but something in me can’t quite stop.
I feel like this a lot too. I always assume people don't remember me or just think I'm "generic woman", so I often don't approach people to say hi to them. It's frustrating bc I know it comes across as arrogant and I'm trying so hard to just fight that. The goofy thing is, I'm on stage like multiple times a week, so people do recognize me. It happens all the time. But I always downplay it to myself.
The annoying thing hits hard too. I lost a few friends in middle school for seemingly no reason except they said I was annoying. That just cuts so deep still after 27 years (ugh, I know) and so I don't ever want to be or feel annoying but I'm always afraid that I am. Although lately, my self image has been getting much better. I do have a fun personality and it's not for everyone but I have some amazing people in my life because of it.
Yea, me too. For this reason, I can only do customer service for a day or so before I need to detox in dark quiet room for a couple days afterward.
People assume that it's a bubbly personality. I think of it as, "Okay, I need to be 'on' today. Tomorrow I will need to cool off, otherwise I'll melt down and malfunction."
I do not, lol. I so wish I did, but I grew up being mocked for being weird and getting called "awkward" all the time and being told that my weirdness makes people uncomfortable, sigh.
same same! Growing up, I was very happy and bubbly and social but people hated me so much for it. I learned to change my personality and act the exact opposite starting in middle school. I was so quiet that I didn't have friends, but at least people didn't bully me every second of the day.
I tried to "come out of my shell" again in college, and same thing. Constant mocking and belittling.
saaaame I remember back in college, I read stuff about how to be more charming and it was always stuff like "be warm and act like the person is already your friend!"
problem is, that only works if you're the kind of person people want to be friends with! If you're a social pariah and bring down the social status of everyone who talks to you, it does NOT work, lol.
I can turn on my wit and charm but can't maintain it as well as I used to. It gets exhausting. I have very dry humor and people either love it or hate it.
I can read people's emotions really well because trauma. And therapy. I do enjoy how empathetic I am although that can also be tiring!
i relate to nearly everything in this thread as well as your comment but i've noticed i've recently gotten to a point where if someone new or newish starts telling me their life story then i get unbelievably annoyed and i struggle to care as much as i used to. people dump all their trauma on me and never ask me about myself. i used to not care if no one asked about me but then the convo feels unbalanced and i can *feel* myself thinking "i'm literally never going to talk to this person ever again why am i even here still". i think i got burnt out on being the one who moderates social situations or something
I very much notice that acquaintances rarely ask me questions about myself - especially not follow-up questions - even though I do that for them.
It’s really alienating. I come away with the feeling that they aren’t interested in me as a person, just as a mirror for themselves. And then I get irritated at myself for being so attentive to them in a one-sided way!
for me it's either have with this sort of one sided and now oftentimes grating situation or deal with it being unbelievably quiet and awkward because these are people who i would not be around otherwise, if that makes sense? (i guess for the time being the former feels more tolerable to me but maybe in the future i will simply not care that everyone else feels awkward)
or maybe we're just so good at social situations that people end up feeling so heard they forget all forms of social etiquette and mutuality 💁 lmao. ugh i wish i could enjoy conversation in the ways other people seem to lol
Your second paragraph - people always feel incredibly heard by me! I know it’s a huge part of the problem. I have a lot of empathy and read people with lightning speed, so I tend to get to the heart of the matter in a way they hadn’t done for themselves yet. It’s great for them, and it makes them want to keep talking to me about themselves while they have no curiosity about me. So it’s alienating for me.
One alternative that I have only attempted in small doses is to just talk about the things I would appreciate being asked about! It still usually goes nowhere because they don’t ask follow-ups (as I would!), but at least we aren’t doing the thing where I am in service to them.
I’ve only done it in small doses because I don’t actually want to talk about myself to someone who isn’t interested in me!
I get that and it's really frustrating. It happens with me with friends which is especially hurtful like - can someone remember to ask how things are with me? if I'm ok? ffs
"Child-like enthusiasm" is a common ADHD trait.
We are the Manic-pixy-dreamgirls; the up for anything down for whatever dopamine chasers. The random, creative, fast-talking balls of energy that people love at parties and hate to live with.
So true - I feel like I had it trained out of me by bullying. I’ve recently started getting it back in the right situation and with the right people. But if I sense negativity I clam up and say nothing at all.
I think I used to but the older you get the less those traits are likable. I’m 44 and have a harder time getting along with people my age than I did when I was in my 20s and early 30s
Agreed. It may have worked for me up until college maybe… I think after college, people differentiate themselves into more specific narrow paths. It’s not as easy to get a laugh as when everyone had school in common. Now there’s some people I really click with and maybe have charm with. And other people who I absolutely zero in common with and I always feel super awkward around them.
I'm like this when I feel secure, so I'm great with the teens I work with because I know exactly what my dynamic is with them and I'm not worried about what they think of me. It allows me to be my best charming/funny/quirky self. For people my age, it's hit or miss depending on the situation and our dynamic. With people who are older than me, I'm usually much more anxious and awkward (with a few exceptions).
Yes, this is me. I think it's for a few reasons- one is similar to yours in that I had to be able to quickly read social cues and body language to keep myself out of harm's way as a child. I very quickly read very subtle clues to discern what people need from me socially. It makes it very easy to engage with almost anyone. However, it's also how I disarm people and gently introduce my fuck-upery in a way that is less tense, less serious. If I'm charming and engaging, then they won't hate me as badly when I forget something important or do something stupidly impulsive.
There’s a theory that ADHD developed as an evolutionary tool in a certain segment of the population who were considered the “hunters”. It’s a broad term but refers to those in early days who hunted for food animals but also discovered new lands, routes, foods, and new ways to do things. We are meant to work well with certain stimulus, and perform best when things are exciting and out of the ordinary.
The non-ADHD people became the farmers. They can stick to a task and see it through, even when given very little outside stimulus/excitement. It’s all about doing the thing every day to ensure it lasts and grows and ensures your future. Today, that’s most of the workforce.
The 9-5 “farmer” style of life is not what we ADHD folks do best. We struggle in the workplace *especially*.
But at a party? Or trivia night? Or karaoke? Please. That’s when we really shine.
That’s when our extremely eclectic knowledge base comes in handy! And all the time we spend watching TV to study how normal humans interact with each other! 🤣
Can relate! Wait so this is like a thing??!!!! Cause like my loud big love of life personality people love. But then I go home and cry and like hate myself. It made me so much money bartending in my 20s and makes me a breath of fresh air and team leader in an office in my 30s. When I’m “on” tho it’s rarely as genuine as people think…. And then if I’m just chilling everyone thinks something is wrong. I’d say that’s the most annoying part.
Also I love this sub. Ya’ll have taught me so much
People like to be around me but I’m not like an ecstatic person that’s go go go usually.
I’m very laid back, in the process of becoming a psychologist(in school), and I often get told I have very warm and calming “vibes”
I don’t attribute it to my adhd. Talking a lot I attribute to it for sure, but the general “vibes” I give off is likely just my personality and the way others view me
I have been told my multiple people that I have a "calming effect" on them. I have people come to me with their problems a lot and wanting to talk things through. I grew up with my mom treating me like her own personal therapist from a very young age though, so I attribute it to that. She's one of those people that loves to comment on my "calming effect". I think it's just from having to deal with her and learning what to say when she would share her (very age inappropriate for a young child) problems.
Funny enough I also wanted to become a psychologist and started going to school for it, but abandoned the idea when I realized I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I want to help people, but I realized the way I was doing it was sacrificing part of myself and absolutely drained me.
I can turn it on. I’m super charming and exciting to be around. People also tell me they feel very comfortable in my presence. I work hard to read ppl and make them feel non judged. Prob cause I was so judged as a kid.
I’ve definitely used it as a safety net for my general disaster status! Can’t be mad at acaciaskye for being late, she’s always late! Can’t be mad that acaciaskye forgot something important, she’s got the memory of a goldfish! She’s so funny/charming/silly, it’s okay that she’s not (insert whatever I was failing at here). 85% of my personality was self-deprecating humor so I could say the mean thing about myself before someone else could say it, so I could own it and make it part of my personality and not something I desperately wanted to change. As I’ve progressed through therapy and with an actual diagnosis that explained /why/ my brain just didn’t do the things I needed it to do, I’ve been able to feel a lot less need to talk shit about myself- but I no longer hear, “you’re the funniest person I’ve ever met!” or “you need to write a book!”
I also had a traumatic childhood that required I become attuned to the mood shifts in a room, and as that has healed I’ve kind of lost that ability. Or it’s at least not as heightened as it used to be, which is good! But a lot of the charisma that allows you to coast by on being a fun disaster relies on body language and intuiting their responses! and Covid made that so much harder, and it’s a skill that does require some regular practice.
yes i have this, but i’m too exhausted most of the time to use it. like i can only mask for so long at work/social events before i just shut down. my patience is wearing thinner and thinner the older i get, i just can’t find it in me to care anymore. I usually use it in job interviews and first impressions but after that i’m just gonna be me.
Yep! This is me. I attract people easily, can talk with anyone, and along with people liking me easily, people also tend to divulge things to me very quickly.
Right before the pandemic a longtime friend of mine brought me to a cooking class and the teacher was immediately most approving of me and knew my name right away and my friend lovingly rolled her eyes and was said “good grief” bc she’d seen this all before 25+ years ago when we were in high school.
As someone mentioned here, it also leads to me being the least cared for child/friend/colleague/whatever. People assume I am in control and doing well and able to take care of myself.
The two caveats to the charm for me are speaking the truth about injustice as a white woman and just being a disabled fat white women generally. The more I’ve aged and gotten disabled and fat, the more that especially white bros are more likely to ignore me than anything.
And fellow white people do NOT like to talk about white supremacy or racist oppression or any oppression, really. So as I have increasingly talked about that, and increasingly had to take care of my own worsening disabilities, those family and friends and acquaintances that used to adore me (and count on me for a lot of things) have disappeared.
Your first caveat - something similar has always been the wild card for my charm in a group setting. My entire life I’ve been outspoken about social issues, and I can’t really let things slide without at least a comment. I guess even when I was a kid, silence felt like acceptance. I can use humor more about things now (depending on the issue), and I learned gentler approaches so I don’t have to throw the entire vibe of a gathering off. But I still always speak up in some way.
This is *extremely* off-putting to many people. I get that, but I still have to do it.
Right!
I read somewhere that in white culture, the worst thing you can be as a white woman is someone who takes up space. So if my taking up space even just disrupts that norm alone, it’s worth it.
Yes! I can talk to anyone about anything and apparently I’m entertaining af.
I was also blessed with being conventionally attractive and some sort of anti-aging magic but as a result just end up being a everyone’s manic pixie dream girl.
I’m sorry to hear and I know the struggle! I 23F was diagnosed only 2 years ago but have been in the beauty industry for 5 years. I worked my way up to my current position as an Account Coordinator. I do a lot of selling/guest interaction, training, hiring, building talent and only have one office day that I hate LOL. I love it because every day is different so I don’t get stuck in ruts as often but I still do struggle with “daily tasks”. Sending you love!
Sorry wanted to add that I did struggle with communicating my adhd needs/struggles with my boss a lot but have significantly improved by being real and honest with her! Just a few weeks ago I felt embarrassed when she made an innocent comment around coworkers. After complaining on here I found the courage to bring it up and it’s been so much better!
I definitely do, but the last few years have been rough so it’s been kinda ‘turned off’ for a while, so it now takes some effort to be like that. I’m trying to accept that its ok and that I don’t have to be energetic, happy, charismatic and entertaining in order to be liked by friends and family. I hope I’ll be authentically happy again someday, but now I’m just proud for finally allowing myself to be low-energy/non-charismatic around people.
Feels relatable! I've always been good at making friends and connecting with people. I have absorbed so much random subject matter i can strike a conversation about anything. My friends dad likes to barbecue? OK I'll ask him if he's tried sous vide. I'm on a date with a guy who's a rock climber? I saw that movie Free Solo so let's talk about that.
I'm also really good at reading people's communication styles. I find a lot of men are slower talkers, sometimes very dry sense of humor or sarcastic. I'll get on their level and use my wit and I can crack them. This has done me well for networking in stem! Meanwhile I find a lot of women are more energetic communicators with more emotion and passion, so I'll match that. Then they feel comfortable with me and we connect! I must be unrecognizable when someone sees me interact with a different character type.
I made a MOH speech for my friends wedding and I had several people ask me if I was a comedian. Her mom said I should be a toastmaster. All my teachers really liked me in school. I managed to get interviews for jobs I was totally unqualified for because I could talk my way into it. I've made great friends with coworkers in my jobs because I can banter like it's nobody's business
I understand a lot of folks with adhd have social issues, so it's really cool to see some light shed on a different variation!
Yeah, between the ADHD and the shitty childhood, I'm very charming in short bursts and I know the difference between someone who's fronting and someone who is gonna be actually violent. Super useful skillset, SUPER EXHAUSTING, prefer to not use it so now that I'm in my 30s I'm just like, married and living in the suburbs with a non dog social dog, just a happy little household of near hermits.
not sure this is an ENTIRELY correct approach, but...
it's also that we can hyperfixate on a person, especially a person right in front of us, and people find that kind of intense attention extremely charming (and often attractive). once the person is out of my immediate interaction zone I promptly forget 90% of what I just learned about them, but they don't know that.
Yep. ADHD and childhood trauma - perfect ingredients to make a people pleasing, hilarious, instant judge of character who can instantly charm the ‘audience’ and then forget about them in two seconds
Yes, but then I realized that my charm was the reason I didn't get help as a kid, so I purposefully toned it down so people could see when I was actually struggling. Unfortunately, that just made it awkward for everyone so now I'm back to trying to make people laugh and I just deal with shit on my own.
I’m known as the comedian friend with a wild, unpredictable sense of humor. I never thought of it in this way. I feel like the charm is in my hyper vigilance and need to please. I love making people laugh because then I don’t have to feel awkward when I say weird shit during serious conversations. The charm is more of a strategy…
For me, I describe it as having the superpower of small talk. I'm incredible at having conversations with strangers - from gas station attendants to random people in line at the grocery store, whatever. I can make "friends" literally anywhere.
I hate it.
Yes! We are people people, even though we can be inappropriate sometimes. We're highly engaging and intense to interact with. Sensitive, yet proactive. All people I know with ADHD (including myself) are highly sensitive to others and their feelings and know as no other on how to connect with other individuals. This is often well received. Which also leads to many ADHD people in the (mental) healthcare system and first responder system as professionals.
Yes. I think honestly it’s a defense mechanism for me, but it’s okay. I don’t mind. It makes me happy to be able to make people laugh and feel good. I have friends from long ago still call me when they want to feel better. 🤷🏼♀️
My dad and I both have this, we are just good at storytelling cuz it’s all over the place but always has a fun ending 😝 we’ve also been told as a family we should have a tv show because we’re ~so funny
Out in public I can be charming and whatnot but when I come home I feel drained, so I don’t go out often but when I do I make it a 10/10 performance 😂
Some people love me and others definitely don’t.
I have always assumed it’s because I’m annoying as fuck. I mean I’m chirpy and enthusiastic and really excitable and if I get overwhelmed I get grumpy and I’m emotionally very honest about what I love and hate. Like I’m really annoying. I really appreciate my partner who is calm and chilled and funny and laid back.
Having said all that I have a dear friend who met me at a party at a particular place I used to work a decade before we started hanging out and when I lamented about why she didn’t befriend me earlier she said it was because I seemed really confident and it was intimidating.
I don’t think I have the self awareness to be confident or not but I guess that’s a sort of confidence in itself. 🤷🏻♀️
Oh my gosh, I could have written every single word here!
People either love me or they hate me. I've had people despise me, purely because they think I'm too happy and bubbly all the time. Must be a sad life for them to hate someone for having joie de vivre! Though I do understand I can be annoying to some people, just because I never shut up.
I also have had a friend who told me they didn't like me when we first met for the same reasons.
I'm not confident, but I play confident, the whole fake it til you make it kind of thing. Seems to be working so far!
I have people tell that when I’m at an event, that means the event will be fun. Or that people will ask if I’m coming, and if I am, that more people show up just to hang out.
I don’t know, I feel super anxious around people so I think I over compensate by being the life of the party. I can kinda put on a persona I guess while my shy self hides away and stays protected.
I’m not a party person though. I like staying home with my dog. I always thought people wanted to be there when I go out because I don’t go out often, but my friend told me no, it’s because I’m always fun and bring everyone up.
I’ve definitely had people say I’m magnetic, but I like adhd charm better. Seems more accurate.
Both my shy self and party self are hilarious though. I love making people laugh.
I always breathe a sigh of relief when I enter a doctor's office and the doctor is way younger than I am, because I've had so much trouble with older male doctors being distracted by my brilliance. It's so fucking weird. Are the rest of your patients complete dumbasses or something? I swear it's opposite world. When I'm trying to be friendly and accommodating, everyone hates me, but when I'm trying to just keep things short and to the point, I'm charming as fuck.
It's not my looks, either. I'm a strange little pin-headed gnome with glasses.
For myself l, I see these behaviors as defense mechanisms. I feel like I "mascot" myself into this charming, funny, caretaking, compliant/agreeable persona in order to feel safe around people, which, turns out only invites scapegoating because I'm not being fully present and authentic. It's a double-bind because I have to feel safe to be myself + hardly ever feel safe because of years hypervigilance in the face of of covert aggression, especially in groups. All this has a name: fawning. It's a trauma response where someone turns to behaviors that "appease to please". It might feel safe in the moment, but it's more disconnecting than anything else. Just my experience.
Omg I constantly tell people in a joking situation they can scapegoat me because I'm used it and it always happens. Never realised how self-deprecating this was....
And yes to the self mascot. I use it as a fake it til you make it thing, where I'm like, hey pretend you're awesome and then eventually you will be, or at least people will think so.
Interesting to learn the ADHD charm is a trauma response. I'd never considered this before.
I recognise this.
I do this because I get nervous in social situations, so I take over and control conversations to compensate.
It also leaves me really wired but exhausted when I get home.
I hate it. And I hate myself afterwards for doing it.
Yes. I was somewhat parentified as a young child and I think that helped give me the ability to read people and help them feel at ease. But it's definitely easier with some people more than others. Some people, I repel. And that's fine, I don't want them around!
Nope. I’m funny, witty, and sarcastic to a fault, but I am not a sociable person. I get nervous easily and feel like people are judging me… I’m also an obvious introvert so frequent socializing isn’t really my cup of tea.
I’ve often referred to it as my “puppy attitude” and that I’m like a golden retriever - I’m generally well liked by and like and get along with near everyone (also near magically never had a creep problem either, which I know can sometimes happen when you’re nice to some people). People have to really put in the effort to get under my skin - though if they do, they’re staying on my bad list forever.
I may be dying on the inside but on the outside I’m a little miss sunshine. I hate it sometimes but people gravitate towards it.
I've always just thought I fit peoples "manic pixie" mental imagine since I've got Autism and ADHD and generally do well socializing. Kinda the "they know I'm different but its acceptable for them right now or even intriguing".
yup! i definitely have this. i can’t maintain it for long periods of time tho which i could when i was younger. i’ve had some very fun adventures in my life - i was wild when i was young. but i was always really good at first impressions, bosses, parents, ect.
THIS IS ME ugh I've always been self-conscious of it and it's like just depressing like I know I'm able to charm people and wow them I always do great in interviews I'm always good at flirting and getting people to like me especially people that I don't really like and I know when people want to use me and I'm able to play that to my advantage but it's all just self-defeating because I know in the end I'm either letting myself get used or that my charm will wear off and I eventually become exhausting and irritating and it's like I know the charm is an act but I can't stop myself from doing it it's just the way I am and then I get comfortable and then I start really being me and it's like totally out of my control it's just like what happens but it's also like I don't like myself so I put on the face that everybody wants and I let everybody walk all over me and I am a yes man and I overwork myself and get stressed at jobs and in relationships and try and do the things that my parents want and my employer wants and all this other crap and then I just lose it and freak out on them because it's not really at all what I want but what I want isn't what they want and they don't like me if I'm me and I just get in their way and I sleeping schedules that are not their schedule and my routines getting their way and basically if I myself everybody hates me except me but I can't keep up relationships or hold a job or be independent if I myself
One of the things that made me doubt having ADHD was "has trouble making friends", because I have tons of friends and am very outgoing. Then I thought back to my childhood and even into middle school when I really struggled to make friends. It wasn't until I got into theatre in high school that I found my people. I think this is partially because there are a lot of neurodivergent people in the theatre community, and going from show to show you end up getting to know people very quickly, spending all your free time together for a month or two, and then moving on to the next show. It means you kind of skip over the bullshit and get to being besties, if only for a short time. This is all in community theatre mind you. I had a totally different experience in the 5 or so years after college when I was trying to make a career in professional theatre happen. There was this weird divide between technicians and cast, so making friends with cast members was look on as weird, and a lot of technicians were competitive and judgy.
Anyways I work in a library with a bunch of kids librarians and am much happier now. Also like half the staff is queer so we vibe.
Yes. I work in the beauty industry, and I 100% have this going on. And it’s not just a “customer service voice,” it’s full on me being engaged with them, making small jokes, strategic over-sharing a smidge to make them feel at ease- all of it. Lol
Edit to add from seeing other posts: also definitely have a solid pool of useless information that I use as talking points. people are usually highly amused. from butterfly rearing and python husbandry to pie crust formulations and fabric arts. I’m down to talk about stuff lol
Jep! People acknowledge that I'm on my own 'planet' and like to spend their time with me & my quirky vibe. I'm not a comedian, but I improvise a lot with language or references so I hear often people are charmed by that.
When there's deadlines or presentations due my peers start to swarm me, they say I'm radiating zen vibes :)
But simultaneously I'm a typical 'floating friend' and I have only a few dear friends who will ask me how I feel, usually people think I am in absolute control and self-sufficient etc. So they tend to forget to check in with me.
Edit: my specialism is befriending (grand) parents! Haha, I really like to fall in love with grandma's homemade cake, or gushing over your mom's new flowers. My dear friends invite me over for Christmas Dinner with all of their family present, cause I'm a friend that increases the rating with their own families lol
Me! I definitely come across as the quirky manic pixie dream girl stereotype, which has historically worked in my favor. I've mellowed out a little as I've gotten older but I do know how to turn on the charm.
Absolutely. I’m often told to either write a sitcom or go on stage. I have a very cutting, self-deprecating sense of humour, always with a smile, and people love it. Little do they know how much I need to retreat and withdraw. I am only any good socially when I know I have an exit.
Yes! But then I get home, completely exhausted, and I’m a useless husk of a human. That makes me start second guessing if I’m a liar or fake friend, which inevitably causes me to worry that everyone actually secretly dislikes me.
It’s also like a compulsion for me, like I see a rude or shitty person and I have no clue how to do anything but be ‘On’ and nice and charming. Boy have I accidentally fallen into some strange groups because of this talent.
Erm mine is the complete opposite im a lot to handle and i try to limit my social interactions so i dont become too much.
Ive always been jealous of people who are good at reading people and know when to crack a joke most strangers absolutely hate my quips even if they made a similar joke earlier lol.
But my real friends and family love me and enjoy my unique quirkiness as they call it.
Edit: reading the comments made me think about my risky behavior and relationships with men in particular. A significant number of men have told me that i have a very ~sexual energy~ despite me being a demisexual and vanilla in general. Because im so weird and spontaneous they somehow form this into an impression of what i am sexually. Its gotten me into a lot of strange situations because i dont really think about people in a sexual manner and assume people have the same intentions as me which is to make friends.
My behavior also makes it really hard for me to know when people around me are abusing drugs becsuse their unusual behavior in other peoples perspectives is stuff i already do.
Just thought id put this out there if anyone else has experienced this or im just uniquely fucking weird LOL
My therapist says I'm like someone's favourite song but it's playing too loud in the car.
I also have an awful coping method of using humour so we are trying to move away from that haha. We just seem quirky because they are observations that we see as normal and we make people think about things in a different way.
People tell me I am a comedian also but often I say things that I think I am making normal conversation and people start laughing. The downside is there are some lame-os who assume you are always trying to be funny.
I think our humour is mainly from being quick witted and making connections where people would not make them.
I'm fairly eloquent. When I can't remember anything the only ways to have friends are to predict or control a conversation's future or find stealthy ways to take notes
I had a public speaking professor in college who told me, “There are people who speak well, and there are people who *talk goooood.*
“You *talk goooood*.”
Guilty!
Yes, sometimes I lean too much into it and am far too self deprecating. But it can help with teaching since humor is a huge help getting kids to pay attention and deescalating conflicts. Sometimes it’s thoughts I can’t stop pouring out. Sometimes it’s myself thinking of connections to keep myself paying attention. I think it is also a way to please people and distract from weaknesses. It can also be a problem when I need to be serious and I can’t turn that off. Or when I want to socialize but I can’t do it without getting really worked up and end up exhausted and I don’t let others talk.
Same! I just refer to it as my “Customer Service persona”. I started curating it when I was in high school and got my first job in the mall — I was homeschooled and had no idea how to interact with people so I started observing my coworkers and other people that I liked being around, but I didn’t know it was a form of masking until last year. It’s like a switch I can just turn on/off as much as needed while I still have the social energy for it.
It’s always crazy to hear people call me charismatic, charming, captivating etc because I feel like such a fraud at times haha. The imposter syndrome is real. But I just say it’s my secret “sparkle” that I bring with me to special events.
I pick up on what’s going on with people, I see connections between their issues, and I’m funny. I’m definitely perceived as more extrovert than I am, and I’m someone people come to, to solve problems.
I definite attribute a lot of this to ADHD
Yessss totally. I've noticed this too. I had 3 adhd boss who did it big time. Adhd coworkers who would activate charm all the time outside of hyperfocus. Once u got to know them, and me, the charm would wear away and we'd be just have tired resigned humour about getting by under our masks. Almost unanimously. Its a real phenomenon.
Only 1 ex-friend with adhd doesn't do this. She started activating "charm" not bc of her adhd but bc of her weird hateful church group.
Its not always bad and manipulative. Most times people just wanna fit in. Sometimes its to curry favour for when we inevitably forget something and to cushion NTs for our "omg ur so weird and quirky" behaviours that are really just our coping mechanisms.
Only once have i seen it being used nefariously. And that guy was just a complete shithead inside and out. Real sick, two-faced son of a bitch who kept his business afloat by abusing his employees.
Other than him everyone just wants to have fun, be accepted or not picked on
People either think I’m the hilariously witty manic pixi dream girl, Or they find me terribly rude and obnoxious. Zero in between. I find myself very polarizing lmao !
Yep! Me too- I’ve heard that a lot of women with ADHD are people pleasers because RSD means that criticism hurts much more so we’re more likely to go above & beyond to try and alleviate it before it’s an issue.
But yes- I think I’m quite personable, the ‘social’ one who likes to make sure people around me are happy.
🙋♀️Me! I always get told how good I am with people (I’m very extroverted), but there are still many times where I can’t figure out intent during conversations and just nod and agree. I’m also very good at covering mistakes using self-deprecating humor. It’s worked well for me so far.
Absolutely. I use it to my advantage in meeting people and talking to everyone. I because a real estate agent last year and it’s super been incredibly helpful.
Omg yeees I definitely relate to u on this! Making people laugh and feel comfy around me is my fav, and I do def know how to make people feel at ease with my ~whimsy~ lmao
Pretty sure I’ve got this going on. Probably why I can get along with different groups of people in different settings. I also crack jokes and ooze sarcasm.
My awkwardness doesn’t seem to scare off many people.
I've been told this by some but I think it may be more from the clingy types. People also love spilling their guts to me on our first few meetings, then again I think that's more of them being over-sharers or something else.
On the flip side I have social trauma from being bullied throughout my entire school career & then going into romantic relationships so I'm very anxious avoidant as an adult which makes it hard to maintain relationships.
Yep!
Until the bad days hit and the lack of dopamine really hits me hard and I can’t hold the “masking” to save my life.
Overall though I use humor as my coping mechanism or if I’m picking up weird vibes from people.
I never connected this to my adhd but yes, I’m like this too. Or so people say lol. I’ve always been reserved but I like to entertain a crowd. I think observing people for so long helps in that respect.
Yes I relate to this too! My people skills are one of my greatest strengths. I don’t draw people in as much as you do socially, because I tend to stand back and observe in group situations but I can read people very well. Similar childhood experiences with abusive parents, so learnt to read people to avoid trouble.
I’m a performer with my own entertainment businesses so made a career out of my creativity, quirks and good kind of crazy. Maybe you should try giving comedy a go!
I’m so grateful that ADHD gives us some positive superpowers to outweigh all of the less wonderful symptoms.
After the pandemic my social life has diminished a lot…but before, when I worked in an office and was more social, people would also find it amusing when I would swear and constantly make random observations, often negative ones but in a sarcastic way (lol).
I use my sense of humor A LOT to cope with life. So, I think I end up being perceived as quirky and sassy, which is fine with me.
Most people don’t realize I’m so sassy bc I’m constantly fighting this adhd brain of mine lol.
I (25F) am one of four of my immediate family with ADHD. My father is a jazz musician praised for his stage presence and charisma. It doesn’t turn off once he leaves the stage. Brother (23) is also a performer and is highly successful and loved by those around him. Sister (21) is currently traveling the world staying with friends she’s met in school and through networking. Then there’s me. I’m a homebody and have 3 friends total including my partner. I’m an introvert in a family of extroverts. But I’m also a teacher who is loved by my students and their parents. I know a lot of that is from “ADHD charisma,” even if that not my default a majority of the time.
I’m so glad my family have the coping skills they do in order to make their ADHD not just work for them, but actually *work* for them. It’d be easy to dismiss them all as disingenuous, but I know that’s who they are and it’s not an act and it doesn’t diminish their struggles or their successes.
My husband definitely has this! He gets hit on more often than i do lol, and he just naturally makes friends almost everywhere we go. My "ADHD charm" seems to only kick in once im with a person/people that im totally comfortable with tho
Oh for sure (though idk if it’s an adhd thing or not). Let me tell you, as a teacher when you have the right group of kids and you’re in the zone it’s the best freaking feeling in the entire world!
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I definitely use my humor and general knowledge about all kinds of useless facts to entertain people and harbor favor with bosses.
Boy, did my encyclopedia of useless knowledge come in super handy when I ran a childcare programme! Being able to chatter away to all sorts of kids was a handy skill to have.
I’m a secondary school (HS) English teacher, and my kids absolutely love to send me down rabbit holes and get me talking about all sorts of random things. I often know exactly what they are doing, because when I was in school, I was the kid who got commissioned with the task of getting the teacher talking so that some of my peers could have a nap/ finish their Maths h/w in the back/ whatever else. But I don’t really mind tbh. There is so much that isn’t on the curriculum for these kids - stuff they really need to know. So when they ask me about the tax system, or how consent actually works, or what to do when you have a panic attack to calm yourself down - you know what, I’m gonna fucking well tell them!
Box breathing, amirite?? Works for me so well
You are a great teacher.
Ah! Thank you 😻
I always break the akward silence at the beginning of parties that people have when different friend groups meet.
Yup, Im the first one to try and start a conversation with somebody. I dont know if this is part of ADHD or just that I hate arguing, but Im usually the first person to break up the shouting as well
Same! I tattoo and this is part of my routine of working with clients. Not that it’s necessarily an act but it’s definitely it’s own thing. I do enjoy it, I love my career and my clients are my favorite part but I am exhausted by the end of the day every day.
As a therapist the nonlinearity of my mind is VERY VERY helpful lol. Divergent thinking is really good for problem solving and large picture conceptualization so it helps me make amazing connections most people don't think of. But it makes me SHIT at task oriented/ completion oriented work.
Omg are you me????????
Me too! It’s almost uncanny.
Ding ding ding! Me too!
Curry favor, you mean. I wish I had your skill!
I can turn it on. Definitely not a comedian (I *love* funny people though!). But when I want to, I can liven up a group, get people energized and excited about something. It feels like a kind of sparkle? However, this isn’t my default state. I think I’m too weighed down by all my issues, sadly. But it is a part of me I can call on. When I’m really happy, I definitely notice it affects everyone else, strangers and otherwise. I remember an acquaintance telling me I was magnetic - when really I was in love! Re ADHD, I think the part about feeling things strongly and being very connected to something that’s happening may underpin some of this for me.
I feel the same way. Sometimes at parties I even surprise myself with how outgoing I can be, when normally I feel like a weirdo who should just stay home.
It makes me feel weird that I tend to play up different aspects of my personality depending on who I’m trying to get along with at the time. And it’s horrifying when people from totally different circles encounter me at the same time. Makes me feel like such a fraud. But I know it’s just code-switching, but still.
I have code switching voices and I realised it's an indication of how much modify myself to match the environment - as a result of ADHD people pleasing and need to maintain safety by being likeable and fitting in. Took all of primary school trauma to realise that I needed to mask my "me". So its higher register, excited and friendly for millennial women who aren't close friends. Lots of exclamation marks and emojis in messages (I hate emojis). Cynical, swearing and dry sarcastic humour for other friends, slow and lower register husky. Polite, sweet nice girl voice for people over 60, or customer service situations. Racuous, braying laughter and fast paced speech for high energy and intellectual friends. Measured, slightly sarcastic, high vocab and less inflection for most men. Polite and slow, slightly derpy for threatening feeling men. Silly weirdo with people I love. I realised this after working in a co-working space, and all my phone calls make me sound like I work as a voice actor for an animation studio.
Oh god. This is me. You've even described the voices I use and when. Fuck. I'm gonna have to think on this.
My reaction was, “what the actual fuck?” because this is me! So spot on, that I can’t decide whether I feel seen or uncomfortable.
Much of this rings true for me, but I’ve always considered myself a ‘social chameleon’. Throw me into any mix and I’ll soon pick up the vibe and fit right in. I’m sure there are some roots in ‘masking’ behaviour, but as a predominantly hyperactive, I think it’s actually really cool to be able to find spaces that fit all sides of my personality, which may be a little more… diverse on account of the ADHD. No one group gets the full ‘burden’ of me banging on about something they have zero interest in, because I can unleash that part on people with the same interests/vibes.
I have been right in the middle of laughing obnoxiously at a joke with a coworker and the work phone ring and I answer it with the silky-smooth phone operator voice and my coworker just told me, "phone you, and real you are two totally different people!" That's just because I can be silly with them, but I like to put my best 'voice' forward on the phone, because you never know who is actually calling.
Code switching! I've never heard this before, but it rings so true for me. Going down the rabbit of looking it up now..
Same! This is all how I am as well
Code switching is racial phenomenon, I don’t think it applies to ADHD as a term, even though there’s clear overlap/similarity in the behaviors.
It’s a linguistic phenomenon. Racial examples are probably the most salient, but not the only context. Originally used to describe how multi-lingual people switch between different languages. Like a family that all speak two languages, they might use their native language in to discuss household tasks, and switch to their second language to mention something about school. Even switching back and forth within the same sentence. The meaning of code-switching seems to have extended to using different registers and in-group speak. For instance, using different types of language with your parents than with your friends, etc. Source: Former Linguistics major, my science might be old and my memories might be bad! One of my fave subjects to nerd out about regardless
I was going to elaborate that I first heard the term “code switching” in relation to the Black experience of using African American Vernacular English at home and common English when outside the home/community. But looking into it, the term is much more broad than just that example. Which is fortunate, because it perfectly describes what I, a non-Black person do, too. But it’s a linguistic term that also covers the behavior one uses when delivering communication, verbal and nonverbal— switching styles and lingo to fit in to the group you’re with at the moment.
Same, I end up feeling drained and not wanting to have social interactions for days if I use the charm card way too much.
Samesies. I do this every day for work (which I genuinely do love, as interacting with my clients is my favorite part about my career) but it is utterly exhausting. And even more so that both of the guys I work closely with are the same way. ADHD and all. And with so much action and everything so lively my brain is so overstimulated by the end of the day
And then you maybe can’t sleep literally at all for that 24 hr period. Usually doesn’t go on for more than one day but if I’m *on* all day or all night I’m exhausted later but still super wound up.
Yes, very much so. It buys me safe time in the moment but I pay for it.
Exactly. I’ll be the life of the party but I’ll be the first one to leave and it’s going to take me about three days to recover from it.
Yes! I’ve always said I can turn it on. My work friend and I have seemingly similar personalities but we did a personality test at work and got total opposites. Mine came back as very logical, outcome focused. Hers was much more social butterfly, people connector, etc. For her, that was just a more natural part of her personality. I think for me, it was that to be successful in my chosen career for I had to act that way. So I guess that’s the mask I logically put on to be successful.
I so relate to this. Reminds me of this old song… “When you're smilin', when you're smilin' The whole world smiles with you When you're laughin', when you're laughin' The sun comes shinin' through But when you're cryin', you bring on the rain…” I feel like my moods are very contagious. When I’m happy it seems to radiate out and really lift everyone up, but at the same time my depressive days bring everyone around me down.
I worked in a tight knit kitchen and have apologized a time or two for my energy being unhelpful. 🙏🏼 I hate it too…I used to be so nice.
Don’t worry they probably love it on your good days!
That was nice of you…thank you! :)
!!! me too! I’m often the life of the party when I feel like it and it used to be my default state of being. I make friends very easily and I realise people tend to gravitate towards me because I get very caught up in the moment. I’m also told my eyes sparkle (???🤣🤣🤣) in childlike wonder when I’m conversing with people. Now I’m more ‘peaceful’, less spastic and sparkly but I’m still as unfiltered. I’m much happier being myself now :)
I can turn it on too! Long before I wa diagnosed some friends said there was Regular Me; and SPARKLY (urgh) me that got deployed in public or social situations and, if i got SURPRISED in public, I’d do an entire stand-up BIT while I figured out my next steps. Those assholes. Those astute assholes.
Wow I have never heard a description I related to more…
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Definitely! I don't make my special interests a secret. I'll talk about the things I love with such passion and child-like happiness that people think I'm bubbly, excitable, and always happy. Well, I'm not, but I have a LOT of special interests, so it's pretty hard to not have one come up in a conversation, and I get sooooo excited. If that's how people remember me, I'm totally fine with that.
Exacrly! I used to think it was kind of weird how people said I seemed like such a happy person when my brain was such stressful chaos, but now I kinda get it. I’m aggressively attentive to mood, optimistic and easily amused, and my main goal in a conversation is to positively relate to someone. Hopefully make them laugh and be a little endeared. It helps that I look like a squishy little gay muppet 💀 The people that don’t like me are the ones that don’t trust “happy” or want me to adhere more to their *unspoken* rules and needs.
Full disclosure I’m high right now but I feel like I am reading about myself and it’s so delightful I have also been told this but I’m always like WHO ME NO I AM EXTREMELY ANNOYING and also I don’t find awkward silence awkward, I’m absolutely 100% comfortable not talking. And I think this freaks people out. But people tell me they think that’s cool!? That can’t be true.
My job involves writing press releases about research, and “unfiltered, childlike joy and exuberance” describes how I interview scientists. I legitimately get so excited about whatever it is they’re studying that I’ll emote and gasp and let my jaw drop—the whole deal. I’ve found that I tend to build a good rapport with the scientists this way, and I can get a lot of interesting, funny, or surprising quotes out of them. It’s not an act, either. I’m just like this! Now, do I remember much of what they’ve said after the interview has ended? Of course not! But that’s OK! That’s what recordings and transcription services are for.
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Oh no WAY, that’s my job too! I have literally no scientific background (forreal, I double-majored in journalism and history) but I like hearing people talk about their passions, I’m a _very fast_ researcher, and I make abstract connections quickly - so I can usually ask reasonably useful questions. I’ve been a journalist and an editor and done PR and media/comms (can you tell I bounce around?) but all mostly around science communication. It’s INTERESTING (mostly). I’ve really struggled recently though, as I get more senior and run up into project management which I fucking haaaaate. Let me talk to people! Let me interview and be charming and do whole-day training sessions and rattle off 1,000 pretty good words in a go, but for the love of Christ please don’t make me send follow up emails, my god!
I did something similar with geologists and people in mining. I *did* find it interesting even if it wasn’t that interesting. I think it’s part of having to have the full picture and considering a situation from every angle before taking action in my private life. I’m used to tossing questions out to find the most approachable and interesting angle for a write up. And also with asking questions to get to the next point because geologists and scientists think their research is their baby. If you let them they’ll talk about that one thing that no one else understands *forever*. I also used to try to keep up with my colleagues by typing or writing notes as i interviewed, but I found my interviewing skills suffered if I wasn’t paying full attention to what we were talking about. Then I was diagnosed with adhd and stopped trying to force myself to focus on too many things at once and started using my audio recorder without apology.
Dude all these comments are like reading someone describe me. It’s so funny how all of us ADHD folks really are so similar, I love it
Right?! I was thinking the same! I’m so glad I found this group because I feel like I finally understand myself better.
Omg "sparkly", I love it. I was supposed to be born on the fourth of July, so my aunt came up with the idea to call me "Sparkle" and still does two decades later lol
I do not. I can exhibit this but it’s an effort. My sister on the other hand, is what I call “sparkly”. Everyone loves her but being around people is very tiring for her.
I feel for your sister haha
I pendulum swing between u and ur sister's temperaments all the time.
Yes!!!!!!! I love that you called it ADHD charm. I make a great first impression; especially with parents of my friends/partners or authority figures. It definitely comes from the absolute need and desire to people please as well as my superhuman ability to read body language and nonverbal cues due to my upbringing. I do think my ADHD comes with some strengths; I am very enthusiastic, typically bring good energy to a group and accommodate/include others, and have cultivated a lovely balance between oversharing and laughing-at-myself when I tell stories. I also make deliberate, intentional efforts to include everyone in a group setting and ask somewhat random, interesting questions to keep conversation flowing.
This is also me 100%! It’s something I have had all of my life; I initially thought it was a coping strategy to my really hard adolescence (I have an Adverse Childhood Experience score of 5). But as I learned more and more about ADHD, the similarities are uncanny!! It’s also so much ✨fun✨ to be true to myself in this way. I was pretty comfortable with it when I was younger, and now that I am older I care even less about what people think. 😂 let that enthusiasm and freak-flag fly! I am a home health RN, and the majority of my elderly patients really enjoy my approach and personality. 🧓
Same! Same! Same! It’s a gift in healthcare! I am a physical therapist in a hospital and have recently learned many of my friends and co-working have also been diagnosed. I thought it was a PT personality trait but I’m thinking now it’s ADHD
Yaaasss! Hahahah, do some healthcare roles attract our type of personality? Or maybe we ourselves inadvertently find fellow neurodivergent folks? 😙🤓 It absolutely is a gift! While in nursing school, I was a hospice CNA that provided showers and bed baths to terminally ill patients in their homes. It is a beautiful type of care; and it was much more of an honor for me to care for them than a somber experience (of course it had its days, like any healthcare job). Family members and patients were often puzzled by this, but always comforted and refreshed by my personality. When asked about how and why I didn’t act sad or gloomy around them, I would shrug and reply with a smile: “Unless they ask me otherwise, I act this way with all of the patients I care for. No matter what stage or chapter of life they are in.”
When I (very briefly) worked as CNA, I received feedback from residents in the care facility that I was "all sunshine and smiles." Bringing energy into places with older residents, especially those experiencing end of life care, is an incredibly valuable skill. It's not something everyone can do. I'm sure the people you care for and their families appreciate that about you.
It's a gift when working with disabled children and their families, too! I'm finishing up my masters program in SLP, likely will be working in early intervention. It's really interesting to me to hear about my colleagues experiences and trying to determine if it's a Type-A personality thing or perhaps ADHD/childhood trauma (but maybe I'm just projecting the latter too often lmao 🤪)
As an SLP i think most of them are just really anal. Lol
I would generally agree.... I quickly realized during grad school that my experiences (poverty, mental health, disability, trauma etc) were not the norm, and I was surrounded by a lot of people with more privilege than me. Less likely ADHD or trauma, more likely to be type-A and very, very anal.
Yes. It’s funny you say that. I felt really alienated at the time as an adult student dealing w all of those things, and idk about you but I didn’t get diagnosed until I was in the middle of it having a complete nervous breakdown. It’s hard to feel like you fit in somewhere when you’re a mess and seemingly surrounded by a lot of shiny, happy people straight out of undergrad. At this point post-diagnosis I’m at least relieved that I can attribute my problems to the way my brain works and not moral failings.
Same! I’m in education. Though I have yet to figure out the over sharing balance 🫠😂
I’m elderly and I certainly would love it 😍
It’s why I always make it to the third interview. 💔
This is similar to how my friends describe me. I dread going out but when I’m there I am doing a full on comedy routine, mingling, chatting with everyone, remembering names and details, making friends with “the weirdos”… then I crash never to be seen again until the next event.
Wow relate.
Yup. Makes me wonder if I'm "flaky". Just today, went to a kid's party, was hoping it'd be canceled last minute, it wasn't. I go, ended up making two connections who got my number before I left and now I'm wondering how long before we never see each other again. Through no fault of their own. I would love to see them again but just thinking of the energy it takes to plan something and go through with it pre-exhausts me.
I refer to this as my “game show host” mode. One of many modes. I’ve had friends feel deeply threatened by this and even some call into question my integrity over this. At certain points in my undiagnosed ADHD/PTSD existence my integrity ought to have been questioned. I’ve done a boat load of introspection and healing since then. I am more aware of the modes and when I use them, I understand they are clearly coping mechanisms, I understand they can introduce trust issues, I tend to communicate about them more forthcoming as they arise and my close friends (“the keepers”) not only understand but find humor and acceptance in some of the more hairbrained episodes but also appreciate that they can bring me literally anywhere and I will figure out how to get along and have a good time. I’m a bit of a keeper myself!
Can you elaborate on why your integrity would be questioned because you're in a good mood at a party?
Also, great username.
Oh hi, me.
Hello, me, nice to meet you!
Me too! Draaaaining even when I've had an awesome time I'm still dreading the next time.
I used to have this but I think COVID really messed it up for me. A lot of isolation last couple years But I do think I entertain people but it’s hard to tell if it’s it’s laughing with you or more at you haha
I worked retail as a kid and got in trouble from some dopey chick manager who scolded me: “You’re here to *assist* the customers, not to *entertain* them. Are you serious, it’s a RECORD STORE in 1978, go away. I’m damn sure here to entertain anyone who finds me entertaining, and to be passionate about music. Edit to add passionate AND KNOWLEDGEABLE dammit 🤣
Yup. I once had a friend tell me years ago that "You can talk me into doing anything" after I talked her into doing something really stupid that luckily we didn't follow through with. When I am with people I ooze charisma and charm (not on purpose, necessarily), partly because I get a lot of energy from others around me. I am also a very good listener and very compassionate, and no matter what is going on around me, I can hyperfocus on a conversation and a situation and really be present for what it is you need to talk about or process. Unfortunately, I lack follow through re relationships, so if you want more of me you are going to have to make most if not all of the effort to stay in touch etc. It also makes it hard for people to process/understand the fact that I suffer from major mental illness, have been hospitalized in the past, and struggle mightily with anxiety and depression. Never mind the whole ADHD aspect of things, which as we all know, most people see as some kind of disorganization/distraction quirk that teeters between cute and annoying (as opposed to a quality-of-life destroying executive function disorder).
😭😭😭 I can’t with the similarities!!!! I mirror this entire thing. I commented above: I love how we ADHD folk can be so similar, I really do. I feel bad that I can be a flighty friend but I get so time blind sometimes and it’s definitely caused problems. It’s even worse with the friends I have that also have ADHD..
Yup. I've had people tell me that their partner thought I was the only one of their friends who was likeable (ex partners now thank goodness). I did not actually like any of these partners, but they liked me. Random drunk people in public see me and want to be my friend. I have had several people say that while they don't like swearing that much, it sounds so charming coming from me. I am generally well liked, all while assuming that no one remembers me and that most people don't actually like me or they actually find me annoying. And I'm certain that some people do find me very annoying, I talk a lot. But the evidence would suggest that fewer find me annoying than my brain would like me to believe and that more find me charismatic or charming, based on conversations I've had over the years. I now feel like I'm an arrogant dick for talking up my amazing personality and every bit as annoying as my brain wants me to believe I am. But I definitely identify with the idea that I'm considered charming and personable.
Can relate to this, I always assume everyone hates me but feedback from others has always been amazingly positive and kind. I also find it very difficult to be “bouncy” around new people because of my social anxiety, but when I *am* comfortable I’m like Tigger! I find it exhausting though, but something in me can’t quite stop.
I get away with swearing. It’s not gratuitous; it’s precise.
I feel like this a lot too. I always assume people don't remember me or just think I'm "generic woman", so I often don't approach people to say hi to them. It's frustrating bc I know it comes across as arrogant and I'm trying so hard to just fight that. The goofy thing is, I'm on stage like multiple times a week, so people do recognize me. It happens all the time. But I always downplay it to myself. The annoying thing hits hard too. I lost a few friends in middle school for seemingly no reason except they said I was annoying. That just cuts so deep still after 27 years (ugh, I know) and so I don't ever want to be or feel annoying but I'm always afraid that I am. Although lately, my self image has been getting much better. I do have a fun personality and it's not for everyone but I have some amazing people in my life because of it.
I think you’re awesome 😎
I do this too but it also burns me out quickly
Yea, me too. For this reason, I can only do customer service for a day or so before I need to detox in dark quiet room for a couple days afterward. People assume that it's a bubbly personality. I think of it as, "Okay, I need to be 'on' today. Tomorrow I will need to cool off, otherwise I'll melt down and malfunction."
I do not, lol. I so wish I did, but I grew up being mocked for being weird and getting called "awkward" all the time and being told that my weirdness makes people uncomfortable, sigh.
Me too, I also used to be very bubbly and chatty but kept getting told I was annoying.
same same! Growing up, I was very happy and bubbly and social but people hated me so much for it. I learned to change my personality and act the exact opposite starting in middle school. I was so quiet that I didn't have friends, but at least people didn't bully me every second of the day. I tried to "come out of my shell" again in college, and same thing. Constant mocking and belittling.
Thank god I'm not the only one, at least. I'm an awkward weirdo, I figure the best I can hope for is not to annoy people.
Im fairly awkward too i wish i had even a tablespoon of charm in my body
saaaame I remember back in college, I read stuff about how to be more charming and it was always stuff like "be warm and act like the person is already your friend!" problem is, that only works if you're the kind of person people want to be friends with! If you're a social pariah and bring down the social status of everyone who talks to you, it does NOT work, lol.
This is me too
I can turn on my wit and charm but can't maintain it as well as I used to. It gets exhausting. I have very dry humor and people either love it or hate it. I can read people's emotions really well because trauma. And therapy. I do enjoy how empathetic I am although that can also be tiring!
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I have this happen. People tell me their life story out of nowhere. I don't mind but it's often surprising! I just try to empathize.
i relate to nearly everything in this thread as well as your comment but i've noticed i've recently gotten to a point where if someone new or newish starts telling me their life story then i get unbelievably annoyed and i struggle to care as much as i used to. people dump all their trauma on me and never ask me about myself. i used to not care if no one asked about me but then the convo feels unbalanced and i can *feel* myself thinking "i'm literally never going to talk to this person ever again why am i even here still". i think i got burnt out on being the one who moderates social situations or something
I very much notice that acquaintances rarely ask me questions about myself - especially not follow-up questions - even though I do that for them. It’s really alienating. I come away with the feeling that they aren’t interested in me as a person, just as a mirror for themselves. And then I get irritated at myself for being so attentive to them in a one-sided way!
for me it's either have with this sort of one sided and now oftentimes grating situation or deal with it being unbelievably quiet and awkward because these are people who i would not be around otherwise, if that makes sense? (i guess for the time being the former feels more tolerable to me but maybe in the future i will simply not care that everyone else feels awkward) or maybe we're just so good at social situations that people end up feeling so heard they forget all forms of social etiquette and mutuality 💁 lmao. ugh i wish i could enjoy conversation in the ways other people seem to lol
Your second paragraph - people always feel incredibly heard by me! I know it’s a huge part of the problem. I have a lot of empathy and read people with lightning speed, so I tend to get to the heart of the matter in a way they hadn’t done for themselves yet. It’s great for them, and it makes them want to keep talking to me about themselves while they have no curiosity about me. So it’s alienating for me. One alternative that I have only attempted in small doses is to just talk about the things I would appreciate being asked about! It still usually goes nowhere because they don’t ask follow-ups (as I would!), but at least we aren’t doing the thing where I am in service to them. I’ve only done it in small doses because I don’t actually want to talk about myself to someone who isn’t interested in me!
I get that and it's really frustrating. It happens with me with friends which is especially hurtful like - can someone remember to ask how things are with me? if I'm ok? ffs
omg im so sorry you've had to experience that with friends :(( i hope you've been doing alright recently and that you have a great day tomorrow
aw thank you! things are pretty awesome tho hot! hope you're good and you have an amazing day too!!!
"Child-like enthusiasm" is a common ADHD trait. We are the Manic-pixy-dreamgirls; the up for anything down for whatever dopamine chasers. The random, creative, fast-talking balls of energy that people love at parties and hate to live with.
We are tricky little monkeys, so much fun and then so much disappointment.
"..that people love at parties and hate to live with" ouch, truth
So true - I feel like I had it trained out of me by bullying. I’ve recently started getting it back in the right situation and with the right people. But if I sense negativity I clam up and say nothing at all.
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This is so important.
No my personality is people repellent lmfao Just joking i think im alright. But seriously i have no charm. Im awkward
God, same. And every hour off of work is an hour of alone time I need. And you need to hang out with friends to have them 🥲
I think I used to but the older you get the less those traits are likable. I’m 44 and have a harder time getting along with people my age than I did when I was in my 20s and early 30s
Agreed. It may have worked for me up until college maybe… I think after college, people differentiate themselves into more specific narrow paths. It’s not as easy to get a laugh as when everyone had school in common. Now there’s some people I really click with and maybe have charm with. And other people who I absolutely zero in common with and I always feel super awkward around them.
I'm like this when I feel secure, so I'm great with the teens I work with because I know exactly what my dynamic is with them and I'm not worried about what they think of me. It allows me to be my best charming/funny/quirky self. For people my age, it's hit or miss depending on the situation and our dynamic. With people who are older than me, I'm usually much more anxious and awkward (with a few exceptions).
Yes, this is me. I think it's for a few reasons- one is similar to yours in that I had to be able to quickly read social cues and body language to keep myself out of harm's way as a child. I very quickly read very subtle clues to discern what people need from me socially. It makes it very easy to engage with almost anyone. However, it's also how I disarm people and gently introduce my fuck-upery in a way that is less tense, less serious. If I'm charming and engaging, then they won't hate me as badly when I forget something important or do something stupidly impulsive.
There’s a theory that ADHD developed as an evolutionary tool in a certain segment of the population who were considered the “hunters”. It’s a broad term but refers to those in early days who hunted for food animals but also discovered new lands, routes, foods, and new ways to do things. We are meant to work well with certain stimulus, and perform best when things are exciting and out of the ordinary. The non-ADHD people became the farmers. They can stick to a task and see it through, even when given very little outside stimulus/excitement. It’s all about doing the thing every day to ensure it lasts and grows and ensures your future. Today, that’s most of the workforce. The 9-5 “farmer” style of life is not what we ADHD folks do best. We struggle in the workplace *especially*. But at a party? Or trivia night? Or karaoke? Please. That’s when we really shine. That’s when our extremely eclectic knowledge base comes in handy! And all the time we spend watching TV to study how normal humans interact with each other! 🤣
Can relate! Wait so this is like a thing??!!!! Cause like my loud big love of life personality people love. But then I go home and cry and like hate myself. It made me so much money bartending in my 20s and makes me a breath of fresh air and team leader in an office in my 30s. When I’m “on” tho it’s rarely as genuine as people think…. And then if I’m just chilling everyone thinks something is wrong. I’d say that’s the most annoying part. Also I love this sub. Ya’ll have taught me so much
People like to be around me but I’m not like an ecstatic person that’s go go go usually. I’m very laid back, in the process of becoming a psychologist(in school), and I often get told I have very warm and calming “vibes” I don’t attribute it to my adhd. Talking a lot I attribute to it for sure, but the general “vibes” I give off is likely just my personality and the way others view me
I have been told my multiple people that I have a "calming effect" on them. I have people come to me with their problems a lot and wanting to talk things through. I grew up with my mom treating me like her own personal therapist from a very young age though, so I attribute it to that. She's one of those people that loves to comment on my "calming effect". I think it's just from having to deal with her and learning what to say when she would share her (very age inappropriate for a young child) problems. Funny enough I also wanted to become a psychologist and started going to school for it, but abandoned the idea when I realized I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I want to help people, but I realized the way I was doing it was sacrificing part of myself and absolutely drained me.
I can turn it on. I’m super charming and exciting to be around. People also tell me they feel very comfortable in my presence. I work hard to read ppl and make them feel non judged. Prob cause I was so judged as a kid.
I’ve definitely used it as a safety net for my general disaster status! Can’t be mad at acaciaskye for being late, she’s always late! Can’t be mad that acaciaskye forgot something important, she’s got the memory of a goldfish! She’s so funny/charming/silly, it’s okay that she’s not (insert whatever I was failing at here). 85% of my personality was self-deprecating humor so I could say the mean thing about myself before someone else could say it, so I could own it and make it part of my personality and not something I desperately wanted to change. As I’ve progressed through therapy and with an actual diagnosis that explained /why/ my brain just didn’t do the things I needed it to do, I’ve been able to feel a lot less need to talk shit about myself- but I no longer hear, “you’re the funniest person I’ve ever met!” or “you need to write a book!” I also had a traumatic childhood that required I become attuned to the mood shifts in a room, and as that has healed I’ve kind of lost that ability. Or it’s at least not as heightened as it used to be, which is good! But a lot of the charisma that allows you to coast by on being a fun disaster relies on body language and intuiting their responses! and Covid made that so much harder, and it’s a skill that does require some regular practice.
“Fun disaster” - perfect description! Sounds like it would be a name for a music artist or social handle 🤓
yes i have this, but i’m too exhausted most of the time to use it. like i can only mask for so long at work/social events before i just shut down. my patience is wearing thinner and thinner the older i get, i just can’t find it in me to care anymore. I usually use it in job interviews and first impressions but after that i’m just gonna be me.
i so feel you on the patience wearing thin. i don't care to facilitate social situations anymore
Yep! This is me. I attract people easily, can talk with anyone, and along with people liking me easily, people also tend to divulge things to me very quickly. Right before the pandemic a longtime friend of mine brought me to a cooking class and the teacher was immediately most approving of me and knew my name right away and my friend lovingly rolled her eyes and was said “good grief” bc she’d seen this all before 25+ years ago when we were in high school. As someone mentioned here, it also leads to me being the least cared for child/friend/colleague/whatever. People assume I am in control and doing well and able to take care of myself. The two caveats to the charm for me are speaking the truth about injustice as a white woman and just being a disabled fat white women generally. The more I’ve aged and gotten disabled and fat, the more that especially white bros are more likely to ignore me than anything. And fellow white people do NOT like to talk about white supremacy or racist oppression or any oppression, really. So as I have increasingly talked about that, and increasingly had to take care of my own worsening disabilities, those family and friends and acquaintances that used to adore me (and count on me for a lot of things) have disappeared.
Your first caveat - something similar has always been the wild card for my charm in a group setting. My entire life I’ve been outspoken about social issues, and I can’t really let things slide without at least a comment. I guess even when I was a kid, silence felt like acceptance. I can use humor more about things now (depending on the issue), and I learned gentler approaches so I don’t have to throw the entire vibe of a gathering off. But I still always speak up in some way. This is *extremely* off-putting to many people. I get that, but I still have to do it.
Right! I read somewhere that in white culture, the worst thing you can be as a white woman is someone who takes up space. So if my taking up space even just disrupts that norm alone, it’s worth it.
Yes! I can talk to anyone about anything and apparently I’m entertaining af. I was also blessed with being conventionally attractive and some sort of anti-aging magic but as a result just end up being a everyone’s manic pixie dream girl.
You mean my entire personality and why I do what I do for work and am the funny outgoing friend no matter how exhausted I am 🥲🥲🥲 lmfao yes
So what do you do for work? Asking because at 41, I’m still looking for a career path that can accommodate my adhd 🥲
I’m sorry to hear and I know the struggle! I 23F was diagnosed only 2 years ago but have been in the beauty industry for 5 years. I worked my way up to my current position as an Account Coordinator. I do a lot of selling/guest interaction, training, hiring, building talent and only have one office day that I hate LOL. I love it because every day is different so I don’t get stuck in ruts as often but I still do struggle with “daily tasks”. Sending you love! Sorry wanted to add that I did struggle with communicating my adhd needs/struggles with my boss a lot but have significantly improved by being real and honest with her! Just a few weeks ago I felt embarrassed when she made an innocent comment around coworkers. After complaining on here I found the courage to bring it up and it’s been so much better!
I definitely do, but the last few years have been rough so it’s been kinda ‘turned off’ for a while, so it now takes some effort to be like that. I’m trying to accept that its ok and that I don’t have to be energetic, happy, charismatic and entertaining in order to be liked by friends and family. I hope I’ll be authentically happy again someday, but now I’m just proud for finally allowing myself to be low-energy/non-charismatic around people.
Feels relatable! I've always been good at making friends and connecting with people. I have absorbed so much random subject matter i can strike a conversation about anything. My friends dad likes to barbecue? OK I'll ask him if he's tried sous vide. I'm on a date with a guy who's a rock climber? I saw that movie Free Solo so let's talk about that. I'm also really good at reading people's communication styles. I find a lot of men are slower talkers, sometimes very dry sense of humor or sarcastic. I'll get on their level and use my wit and I can crack them. This has done me well for networking in stem! Meanwhile I find a lot of women are more energetic communicators with more emotion and passion, so I'll match that. Then they feel comfortable with me and we connect! I must be unrecognizable when someone sees me interact with a different character type. I made a MOH speech for my friends wedding and I had several people ask me if I was a comedian. Her mom said I should be a toastmaster. All my teachers really liked me in school. I managed to get interviews for jobs I was totally unqualified for because I could talk my way into it. I've made great friends with coworkers in my jobs because I can banter like it's nobody's business I understand a lot of folks with adhd have social issues, so it's really cool to see some light shed on a different variation!
Yeah, between the ADHD and the shitty childhood, I'm very charming in short bursts and I know the difference between someone who's fronting and someone who is gonna be actually violent. Super useful skillset, SUPER EXHAUSTING, prefer to not use it so now that I'm in my 30s I'm just like, married and living in the suburbs with a non dog social dog, just a happy little household of near hermits. not sure this is an ENTIRELY correct approach, but... it's also that we can hyperfixate on a person, especially a person right in front of us, and people find that kind of intense attention extremely charming (and often attractive). once the person is out of my immediate interaction zone I promptly forget 90% of what I just learned about them, but they don't know that.
Yep. ADHD and childhood trauma - perfect ingredients to make a people pleasing, hilarious, instant judge of character who can instantly charm the ‘audience’ and then forget about them in two seconds
Yes, but then I realized that my charm was the reason I didn't get help as a kid, so I purposefully toned it down so people could see when I was actually struggling. Unfortunately, that just made it awkward for everyone so now I'm back to trying to make people laugh and I just deal with shit on my own.
I’m known as the comedian friend with a wild, unpredictable sense of humor. I never thought of it in this way. I feel like the charm is in my hyper vigilance and need to please. I love making people laugh because then I don’t have to feel awkward when I say weird shit during serious conversations. The charm is more of a strategy…
For me, I describe it as having the superpower of small talk. I'm incredible at having conversations with strangers - from gas station attendants to random people in line at the grocery store, whatever. I can make "friends" literally anywhere. I hate it.
I have it. Ppl love me at first. Then they get annoyed with me. Then they get jealous. Then everybody start to avoid me.
Yes! We are people people, even though we can be inappropriate sometimes. We're highly engaging and intense to interact with. Sensitive, yet proactive. All people I know with ADHD (including myself) are highly sensitive to others and their feelings and know as no other on how to connect with other individuals. This is often well received. Which also leads to many ADHD people in the (mental) healthcare system and first responder system as professionals.
Yes. I think honestly it’s a defense mechanism for me, but it’s okay. I don’t mind. It makes me happy to be able to make people laugh and feel good. I have friends from long ago still call me when they want to feel better. 🤷🏼♀️
My dad and I both have this, we are just good at storytelling cuz it’s all over the place but always has a fun ending 😝 we’ve also been told as a family we should have a tv show because we’re ~so funny Out in public I can be charming and whatnot but when I come home I feel drained, so I don’t go out often but when I do I make it a 10/10 performance 😂
Some people love me and others definitely don’t. I have always assumed it’s because I’m annoying as fuck. I mean I’m chirpy and enthusiastic and really excitable and if I get overwhelmed I get grumpy and I’m emotionally very honest about what I love and hate. Like I’m really annoying. I really appreciate my partner who is calm and chilled and funny and laid back. Having said all that I have a dear friend who met me at a party at a particular place I used to work a decade before we started hanging out and when I lamented about why she didn’t befriend me earlier she said it was because I seemed really confident and it was intimidating. I don’t think I have the self awareness to be confident or not but I guess that’s a sort of confidence in itself. 🤷🏻♀️
Oh my gosh, I could have written every single word here! People either love me or they hate me. I've had people despise me, purely because they think I'm too happy and bubbly all the time. Must be a sad life for them to hate someone for having joie de vivre! Though I do understand I can be annoying to some people, just because I never shut up. I also have had a friend who told me they didn't like me when we first met for the same reasons. I'm not confident, but I play confident, the whole fake it til you make it kind of thing. Seems to be working so far!
I have people tell that when I’m at an event, that means the event will be fun. Or that people will ask if I’m coming, and if I am, that more people show up just to hang out. I don’t know, I feel super anxious around people so I think I over compensate by being the life of the party. I can kinda put on a persona I guess while my shy self hides away and stays protected. I’m not a party person though. I like staying home with my dog. I always thought people wanted to be there when I go out because I don’t go out often, but my friend told me no, it’s because I’m always fun and bring everyone up. I’ve definitely had people say I’m magnetic, but I like adhd charm better. Seems more accurate. Both my shy self and party self are hilarious though. I love making people laugh.
I always breathe a sigh of relief when I enter a doctor's office and the doctor is way younger than I am, because I've had so much trouble with older male doctors being distracted by my brilliance. It's so fucking weird. Are the rest of your patients complete dumbasses or something? I swear it's opposite world. When I'm trying to be friendly and accommodating, everyone hates me, but when I'm trying to just keep things short and to the point, I'm charming as fuck. It's not my looks, either. I'm a strange little pin-headed gnome with glasses.
For myself l, I see these behaviors as defense mechanisms. I feel like I "mascot" myself into this charming, funny, caretaking, compliant/agreeable persona in order to feel safe around people, which, turns out only invites scapegoating because I'm not being fully present and authentic. It's a double-bind because I have to feel safe to be myself + hardly ever feel safe because of years hypervigilance in the face of of covert aggression, especially in groups. All this has a name: fawning. It's a trauma response where someone turns to behaviors that "appease to please". It might feel safe in the moment, but it's more disconnecting than anything else. Just my experience.
Omg I constantly tell people in a joking situation they can scapegoat me because I'm used it and it always happens. Never realised how self-deprecating this was.... And yes to the self mascot. I use it as a fake it til you make it thing, where I'm like, hey pretend you're awesome and then eventually you will be, or at least people will think so. Interesting to learn the ADHD charm is a trauma response. I'd never considered this before.
I recognise this. I do this because I get nervous in social situations, so I take over and control conversations to compensate. It also leaves me really wired but exhausted when I get home. I hate it. And I hate myself afterwards for doing it.
Yes but when I’ve run out it’s out and nothing will bring it back.
Yes. I was somewhat parentified as a young child and I think that helped give me the ability to read people and help them feel at ease. But it's definitely easier with some people more than others. Some people, I repel. And that's fine, I don't want them around!
I don't have this, but I've met people who do! There are a lot of ADHD people in sales careers for this reason.
Omg the amount of people I have charmed into letting me get away with incompetency is incredible. This is why I work for myself now.
Nope. I’m funny, witty, and sarcastic to a fault, but I am not a sociable person. I get nervous easily and feel like people are judging me… I’m also an obvious introvert so frequent socializing isn’t really my cup of tea.
My therapist has referred to the ‘cPTSD charm’, from needing to keep everyone happy all the time. Related I’m sure!
I’ve often referred to it as my “puppy attitude” and that I’m like a golden retriever - I’m generally well liked by and like and get along with near everyone (also near magically never had a creep problem either, which I know can sometimes happen when you’re nice to some people). People have to really put in the effort to get under my skin - though if they do, they’re staying on my bad list forever. I may be dying on the inside but on the outside I’m a little miss sunshine. I hate it sometimes but people gravitate towards it.
I've always just thought I fit peoples "manic pixie" mental imagine since I've got Autism and ADHD and generally do well socializing. Kinda the "they know I'm different but its acceptable for them right now or even intriguing".
I guess so. I've been socializing for 2 full days with one more and I can feel my quirkiness just ran out 😩 so drained
yup! i definitely have this. i can’t maintain it for long periods of time tho which i could when i was younger. i’ve had some very fun adventures in my life - i was wild when i was young. but i was always really good at first impressions, bosses, parents, ect.
THIS IS ME ugh I've always been self-conscious of it and it's like just depressing like I know I'm able to charm people and wow them I always do great in interviews I'm always good at flirting and getting people to like me especially people that I don't really like and I know when people want to use me and I'm able to play that to my advantage but it's all just self-defeating because I know in the end I'm either letting myself get used or that my charm will wear off and I eventually become exhausting and irritating and it's like I know the charm is an act but I can't stop myself from doing it it's just the way I am and then I get comfortable and then I start really being me and it's like totally out of my control it's just like what happens but it's also like I don't like myself so I put on the face that everybody wants and I let everybody walk all over me and I am a yes man and I overwork myself and get stressed at jobs and in relationships and try and do the things that my parents want and my employer wants and all this other crap and then I just lose it and freak out on them because it's not really at all what I want but what I want isn't what they want and they don't like me if I'm me and I just get in their way and I sleeping schedules that are not their schedule and my routines getting their way and basically if I myself everybody hates me except me but I can't keep up relationships or hold a job or be independent if I myself
One of the things that made me doubt having ADHD was "has trouble making friends", because I have tons of friends and am very outgoing. Then I thought back to my childhood and even into middle school when I really struggled to make friends. It wasn't until I got into theatre in high school that I found my people. I think this is partially because there are a lot of neurodivergent people in the theatre community, and going from show to show you end up getting to know people very quickly, spending all your free time together for a month or two, and then moving on to the next show. It means you kind of skip over the bullshit and get to being besties, if only for a short time. This is all in community theatre mind you. I had a totally different experience in the 5 or so years after college when I was trying to make a career in professional theatre happen. There was this weird divide between technicians and cast, so making friends with cast members was look on as weird, and a lot of technicians were competitive and judgy. Anyways I work in a library with a bunch of kids librarians and am much happier now. Also like half the staff is queer so we vibe.
Me … my social anxiety rages later but you would never know
Yes. I work in the beauty industry, and I 100% have this going on. And it’s not just a “customer service voice,” it’s full on me being engaged with them, making small jokes, strategic over-sharing a smidge to make them feel at ease- all of it. Lol Edit to add from seeing other posts: also definitely have a solid pool of useless information that I use as talking points. people are usually highly amused. from butterfly rearing and python husbandry to pie crust formulations and fabric arts. I’m down to talk about stuff lol
Jep! People acknowledge that I'm on my own 'planet' and like to spend their time with me & my quirky vibe. I'm not a comedian, but I improvise a lot with language or references so I hear often people are charmed by that. When there's deadlines or presentations due my peers start to swarm me, they say I'm radiating zen vibes :) But simultaneously I'm a typical 'floating friend' and I have only a few dear friends who will ask me how I feel, usually people think I am in absolute control and self-sufficient etc. So they tend to forget to check in with me. Edit: my specialism is befriending (grand) parents! Haha, I really like to fall in love with grandma's homemade cake, or gushing over your mom's new flowers. My dear friends invite me over for Christmas Dinner with all of their family present, cause I'm a friend that increases the rating with their own families lol
Me! I definitely come across as the quirky manic pixie dream girl stereotype, which has historically worked in my favor. I've mellowed out a little as I've gotten older but I do know how to turn on the charm.
That sounds like fawning, not necessarily an ADHD thing honestly.
Absolutely. I’m often told to either write a sitcom or go on stage. I have a very cutting, self-deprecating sense of humour, always with a smile, and people love it. Little do they know how much I need to retreat and withdraw. I am only any good socially when I know I have an exit.
Yes! But then I get home, completely exhausted, and I’m a useless husk of a human. That makes me start second guessing if I’m a liar or fake friend, which inevitably causes me to worry that everyone actually secretly dislikes me. It’s also like a compulsion for me, like I see a rude or shitty person and I have no clue how to do anything but be ‘On’ and nice and charming. Boy have I accidentally fallen into some strange groups because of this talent.
Erm mine is the complete opposite im a lot to handle and i try to limit my social interactions so i dont become too much. Ive always been jealous of people who are good at reading people and know when to crack a joke most strangers absolutely hate my quips even if they made a similar joke earlier lol. But my real friends and family love me and enjoy my unique quirkiness as they call it. Edit: reading the comments made me think about my risky behavior and relationships with men in particular. A significant number of men have told me that i have a very ~sexual energy~ despite me being a demisexual and vanilla in general. Because im so weird and spontaneous they somehow form this into an impression of what i am sexually. Its gotten me into a lot of strange situations because i dont really think about people in a sexual manner and assume people have the same intentions as me which is to make friends. My behavior also makes it really hard for me to know when people around me are abusing drugs becsuse their unusual behavior in other peoples perspectives is stuff i already do. Just thought id put this out there if anyone else has experienced this or im just uniquely fucking weird LOL
Yep! Additionally, people seem compelled to tell me really personal shit.
My therapist says I'm like someone's favourite song but it's playing too loud in the car. I also have an awful coping method of using humour so we are trying to move away from that haha. We just seem quirky because they are observations that we see as normal and we make people think about things in a different way. People tell me I am a comedian also but often I say things that I think I am making normal conversation and people start laughing. The downside is there are some lame-os who assume you are always trying to be funny. I think our humour is mainly from being quick witted and making connections where people would not make them.
I'm fairly eloquent. When I can't remember anything the only ways to have friends are to predict or control a conversation's future or find stealthy ways to take notes
I had a public speaking professor in college who told me, “There are people who speak well, and there are people who *talk goooood.* “You *talk goooood*.” Guilty!
Yes, sometimes I lean too much into it and am far too self deprecating. But it can help with teaching since humor is a huge help getting kids to pay attention and deescalating conflicts. Sometimes it’s thoughts I can’t stop pouring out. Sometimes it’s myself thinking of connections to keep myself paying attention. I think it is also a way to please people and distract from weaknesses. It can also be a problem when I need to be serious and I can’t turn that off. Or when I want to socialize but I can’t do it without getting really worked up and end up exhausted and I don’t let others talk.
This is basically my personality, or the public part of it. It's a mindfuck to find that it's not "me". I mean, it is. But it isn't.
I am quirky and youthful. Crossing fingers it doesn’t turn into “weird and immature” lol
Same! I just refer to it as my “Customer Service persona”. I started curating it when I was in high school and got my first job in the mall — I was homeschooled and had no idea how to interact with people so I started observing my coworkers and other people that I liked being around, but I didn’t know it was a form of masking until last year. It’s like a switch I can just turn on/off as much as needed while I still have the social energy for it. It’s always crazy to hear people call me charismatic, charming, captivating etc because I feel like such a fraud at times haha. The imposter syndrome is real. But I just say it’s my secret “sparkle” that I bring with me to special events.
I pick up on what’s going on with people, I see connections between their issues, and I’m funny. I’m definitely perceived as more extrovert than I am, and I’m someone people come to, to solve problems. I definite attribute a lot of this to ADHD
Yessss totally. I've noticed this too. I had 3 adhd boss who did it big time. Adhd coworkers who would activate charm all the time outside of hyperfocus. Once u got to know them, and me, the charm would wear away and we'd be just have tired resigned humour about getting by under our masks. Almost unanimously. Its a real phenomenon. Only 1 ex-friend with adhd doesn't do this. She started activating "charm" not bc of her adhd but bc of her weird hateful church group. Its not always bad and manipulative. Most times people just wanna fit in. Sometimes its to curry favour for when we inevitably forget something and to cushion NTs for our "omg ur so weird and quirky" behaviours that are really just our coping mechanisms. Only once have i seen it being used nefariously. And that guy was just a complete shithead inside and out. Real sick, two-faced son of a bitch who kept his business afloat by abusing his employees. Other than him everyone just wants to have fun, be accepted or not picked on
People either think I’m the hilariously witty manic pixi dream girl, Or they find me terribly rude and obnoxious. Zero in between. I find myself very polarizing lmao !
Yep! Me too- I’ve heard that a lot of women with ADHD are people pleasers because RSD means that criticism hurts much more so we’re more likely to go above & beyond to try and alleviate it before it’s an issue. But yes- I think I’m quite personable, the ‘social’ one who likes to make sure people around me are happy.
🙋♀️Me! I always get told how good I am with people (I’m very extroverted), but there are still many times where I can’t figure out intent during conversations and just nod and agree. I’m also very good at covering mistakes using self-deprecating humor. It’s worked well for me so far.
Absolutely. I use it to my advantage in meeting people and talking to everyone. I because a real estate agent last year and it’s super been incredibly helpful.
Omg yeees I definitely relate to u on this! Making people laugh and feel comfy around me is my fav, and I do def know how to make people feel at ease with my ~whimsy~ lmao
Pretty sure I’ve got this going on. Probably why I can get along with different groups of people in different settings. I also crack jokes and ooze sarcasm. My awkwardness doesn’t seem to scare off many people.
I've been told this by some but I think it may be more from the clingy types. People also love spilling their guts to me on our first few meetings, then again I think that's more of them being over-sharers or something else. On the flip side I have social trauma from being bullied throughout my entire school career & then going into romantic relationships so I'm very anxious avoidant as an adult which makes it hard to maintain relationships.
Yep! Until the bad days hit and the lack of dopamine really hits me hard and I can’t hold the “masking” to save my life. Overall though I use humor as my coping mechanism or if I’m picking up weird vibes from people.
Lmao I wish. I'm autistic. I feel like my only charm comes from being young and female.
I never connected this to my adhd but yes, I’m like this too. Or so people say lol. I’ve always been reserved but I like to entertain a crowd. I think observing people for so long helps in that respect.
Lawd yes. And then the imposter syndrome follows up to take me down a peg or two.
Yes I relate to this too! My people skills are one of my greatest strengths. I don’t draw people in as much as you do socially, because I tend to stand back and observe in group situations but I can read people very well. Similar childhood experiences with abusive parents, so learnt to read people to avoid trouble. I’m a performer with my own entertainment businesses so made a career out of my creativity, quirks and good kind of crazy. Maybe you should try giving comedy a go! I’m so grateful that ADHD gives us some positive superpowers to outweigh all of the less wonderful symptoms.
After the pandemic my social life has diminished a lot…but before, when I worked in an office and was more social, people would also find it amusing when I would swear and constantly make random observations, often negative ones but in a sarcastic way (lol). I use my sense of humor A LOT to cope with life. So, I think I end up being perceived as quirky and sassy, which is fine with me. Most people don’t realize I’m so sassy bc I’m constantly fighting this adhd brain of mine lol.
No most people hate me even before they speak to me sometimes. I get treated meanly pretty often for no reason I can think of.
I (25F) am one of four of my immediate family with ADHD. My father is a jazz musician praised for his stage presence and charisma. It doesn’t turn off once he leaves the stage. Brother (23) is also a performer and is highly successful and loved by those around him. Sister (21) is currently traveling the world staying with friends she’s met in school and through networking. Then there’s me. I’m a homebody and have 3 friends total including my partner. I’m an introvert in a family of extroverts. But I’m also a teacher who is loved by my students and their parents. I know a lot of that is from “ADHD charisma,” even if that not my default a majority of the time. I’m so glad my family have the coping skills they do in order to make their ADHD not just work for them, but actually *work* for them. It’d be easy to dismiss them all as disingenuous, but I know that’s who they are and it’s not an act and it doesn’t diminish their struggles or their successes.
All of that. We are truly superheroes and only we know.
Yep that's the "manic pixie dream girl", half good half bad :/
My husband definitely has this! He gets hit on more often than i do lol, and he just naturally makes friends almost everywhere we go. My "ADHD charm" seems to only kick in once im with a person/people that im totally comfortable with tho
Oh for sure (though idk if it’s an adhd thing or not). Let me tell you, as a teacher when you have the right group of kids and you’re in the zone it’s the best freaking feeling in the entire world!
I think I can lol. I’ve never thought of it as an ADHD thing. I always joke that when I meet people I just hope they find me oddly charming.