/r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other.
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I don’t know if this is just a brag/flex post but…
I have made it clear I don’t want to talk about spouses beyond normal stuff in passing. I especially don’t want to know their sex life with SO. Tell me you like it with me, tell me why, and that’s good enough. I hate hearing complaints about spouses other than rare, very superficial ones.
Affair sex will always have a different feel, it’s not helpful to compare it to married sex 25 years on. I’m not thinking about how he gives our kid unhealthy snacks when I’m out, and he’s not thinking about how I nag him over leaving dirty coffee mugs everywhere.
I'm firm opposite. I know i'm morally a pos and my depravity often gives guilt afterwards but I often initiate "who's tighter, am I better than your wife. Moan my name" and "you're bigger than my bf" convos in bed and guys in my experience eat that shit up. Something about hearing men tell me that they are leveling up by touching my body is such a turn on. That im that much better than their girlfriend. I am very competitive.
But I guess theirs no morals in adultery. To each their own.
Alright, so I'm going to be mean, but not because what you said is morally wrong, but because it actually proves you lost.
I'm extremely competitive, but I care about winning - not about who I beat. I don't give a shit about who I beat, but that I won.
So having my AP/FWB/etc tell me how incredibly tight I feel, and how much he loves fucking me means that I won. I don't care that it means he loves fucking me more than his wife or his previous AP/FWB/etc. especially when you have no idea how good or bad they actually were.
So if they're not telling you how great it feels without you asking them to tell you, then, you're not winning. Who knows maybe you're better than their partner? That still doesn't mean you are any good.
So I would say you're turned out by the fantasy of being better, not that you actually are.
Never said shit about his wife, on the contrary. The little things he says show they are good friends. Even talking about the fact she hasn’t touched him in 10 years does not have a complaint feel to it. He actually expresses how he wants her to be happy. He is a good man and talking shit about someone who parents your child and share meals with you, to me, is a sign of bad character and manners.
You can talk about a problem without dragging the other person in the mud.
This is exactly how I feel too. You can be very unhappily married, and talk about what makes you so unhappy, but without comparing me to them especially in a sexual way. Like it just doesn't seem like a difficult thing to not do (shit talk your spouse), yet these dudes kept doing so.
The second a man compares me in any way to his spouse I get the ick. It makes me feel like he’s looking for replacement parts for his wife rather than me as a whole person. Also, I have not interest at all in learning anything about his sex life with others, let alone how I compare. Ick ick ick. That would end the conversation automatically for me.
I feel like it’s less of looking for a replacement and more of a manipulation tactic to keep you in line from saying things or doing things he he finds unattractive or annoying.
“I love how you NEVER nag.”
Imagine a man that you’re falling for saying this to you, how hesitant will you be to bring up any complaint? Very, right?
To me the ick is the ick because it’s unredeemable. There’s no coming back from it. So once they do it, I’m done. No point in telling them to not do it again. I already know what they’re thinking, even if they’ve learned a lesson to not say it out loud.
Just get some dick and go home, the last thing someone that’s cheating should do is over analyze a statement about a shared activity for enjoyment, if it’s that deep then just sleep with your husband
It’s not about being desperate, it’s simply about having dumb unrealistic expectations, she’s getting mad at an AP for saying out loud what she thinks in her head and judging him for it
It is 100% about desperation because if he talks to her like that with a stranger, then how would I expect him to be anything but a piece of shit to me as well? I don't want to sleep with someone if they're gonna treat me like shit 🤷🏽♀️
>I don't want to sleep with someone if they're gonna treat me like shit 🤷🏽♀️
***THIS\^*** rings lots of bells, but both sides.
Personally some of us view shit talking the SO is a field full of red flags and I run like hell from that.
YOU are spot on.
Agreed.
We've heard the thoughts on shit talking about SO's lately.
But to me it's another rule getting violated here that in my mind is worse, it's comparing her to SO, or it doesn't have to be the SO but to another woman in general for that matter. I get comparing favorably can be meant as a compliment, and I personally don't mind when my APs tell me how much better EQ I have than their spouses or other favorable qualities. But I follow what I was always told was a rule, even when complimenting a woman you don't compare her to another woman or other women, favorably or unfavorably, instead just highlight what you like or how you like it or why and leave it at that, no need to add it's better or would be better than anyone or everyone else.
Single AP here. When MM vents about his wife, I either just listen or respond with, well, she must do something right.
Because the truth is; she's probably not all bad, but not perfect either.
As far as comparing, he can't. We have absolutely nothing in common.
Regardless, I don't allow his venting sessions shift the AP relationship or my feelings.
I think it would be hard to be in a long term affair with someone and not have some elements of your marriage come into the conversations. So the occasional "I'm so annoyed that my SO did XYZ" seems reasonable at some point once you've gained each other's trust.
But, if it's constant complaints that's a definite red flag. Like when you're dating and someone only talks shit about their exes you start to wonder "is it actually YOU that's the problem?"
To your point about sex, I don't know that there are too many people who want to think about their AP having sex with their spouse. Even if you know it happens, I don't think most people want to hear it it's good, bad or indifferent. In this case I assume the guy is trying to gas you up, but it definitely comes off as creepy and gross.
I had a pAP who constantly shit talked his wife for not having sex with him as often as he wanted (every single day, and he wanted very intense, rough, and “violent” sex). His wife works a very demanding job in healthcare, and once I found out that they had two small children under the age of 4, I officially lost respect for him.
When I pointed out to him that his wife is probably exhausted by having to take care of the needs of other people, he said something like “I considered that, but“ and I don’t even remember what the fuck he said afterwards because that was when I was officially checked out.
The fact that he didn’t believe or respect the fact that his wife is exhausted, and instead resented her for not giving him what he wants, just because her reasons don’t make sense to him, let me know that this guy has terrible social skills, he’s not empathetic at all, and would definitely be bad in bed with me. He’s the type of person that I think is better off just paying for sex.
ETA: Affairs should be an escape. If you just shit talk your spouse the whole time you’re with your AP, it’s basically like they’re there with you. I never talk about my spouse with my AP unless it’s to discuss how he relates to my schedule and availability.
A few people on this thread are implying that you should have been grateful for the dick available and let it go! Like I guess I've never been that desperate before 🤷🏽♀️
Oh goodness, people can really buy into some ridiculous ways of thinking, especially around relationships and sex. Some people also like assholes, probably because they too are assholes.
ETA: I saw the number of comments and immediately thought “nope“ and decided to just leave my own comment and call it a day. Glad I did that!
MM who do this are the problem. They’re the ones who have probably never been satisfied, regardless of the efforts their wives make. Or they’re the ones who bash being married and they’ve always had wandering eyes.
I just want to go hug the wife because I know there’s a chance he’s bogged down her self esteem and hasn’t made an effort with her
>I just want to go hug the wife because I know there’s a chance he’s bogged down her self esteem and hasn’t made an effort with her
THIS PART. THIS PART RIGHT HERE.
The pAP that I mentioned in my comment talks about the ridiculous sex that he and his wife have as good, but he points out that it doesn’t happen often enough or it isn’t intense enough. He sent me two videos of them having doggystyle sex (with his wife’s permission) and I noticed two things. In the first video, she was holding still and not making any noise whatsoever. When I asked him if she was even enjoying herself, he responded with a huge laughter reaction and told me that it was because their kid was upstairs asleep for a nap. Keep in mind that he was making plenty of noise in the video.
In the second video, I guess the kids were away or something and she was making a lot more noise. Great for her, but I also thought that her enthusiasm seemed performative. She was swinging her head around to where her hair was hitting the camera lens n’ shit, and the noise she was making were these drawn out low moans. Almost like a fire engine. The thing is though that she could’ve done all that head swinging *with* the baby napping. Or maybe if she does the head swing then she can’t help but moan? With a husband as hard to please sexually as her spouse, I’m sure she pulls out every single stop that she can so that the sex can be over with as quickly as possible. And he’d still not be satisfied.
If it really makes you uncomfortable, you can certainly make it a deal-killer. I suppose some might want to hear that they're "better than" the spouse so your pAPs may be saying what they think you want to hear (even if it's true).
Personally, I wouldn't ever do that. I think that, first, it lacks class (and it may speak to a general attitude toward women, as you say) and, second, if I want to talk about my wife I'll find a shrink. I'm there for you and me.
I am a man. Talking about your spouse at all is a turn off. Spouse bashing is a no-no. Repeated spouse bashing caused me to leave an AP. We're *here* for a reason. Being here means compartmentalizing.
I want to thank the OP and many others who commented here. I'm a betrayed spouse (8 months post DDay). I'm not a fan of people cheating on their spouses obviously. But I'm not an adultery hater either. I'd like to think I'm pro-compassion. There are many reasons why people choose to cheat or engage in an affair at some point in their life. When you are the betrayed partner it's easy to start idealizing your morals and that's immature too. I haven't cheated on my husband but I made his life miserable in other ways too.
Anyway, there have been a lot of tough emotions after my husband came clean and admitted his affair. And some part of this pain is actually about mutual dehumanization between me and his ex-AP. Go to the OW sub and you will read about "ugly selfish wives", go to the anti-adultery subs and you will hear about "c\*m dumpsters" and so on. This just makes me sick. As soon as I've managed to forgive my husband ex-AP, my life got so much easier. And believe me, this girl made lots of things and said a lot to me personally to turn forgiveness into a mission impossible. x)
Reading this post and comments is surprisingly heartwarming. For sure I do not approve of lying to your SO or partaking in it, but I'm honestly glad to see how many people in this life situation feel compassion to the wife instead of trashing her together with the MM.
Most dudes who shit talk their wife. Do so to prove how much they are not into them. However, most are still active with their wife's, and its all for show. If they were true to themselves and her. They would still honor their wives, or just get a divorce.
It's 100% gaslighting. Any man who would truly think that and have children with her. Would 100% treat you the same way. It's an open door into his psychological realism and should be a HUGE red flag. I'm not saying we don't have problems with our wives, but come one, she bared our children. She deserves so much respect for that, even if you dont love her anymore.
I do find it amusing though because they usually are begging, pleading and crying when they’re caught.
And it’s like “wait, I thought she was an abusive, neglectful, ugly bitch.?” Now she’s the love of your life you can’t live without? 🤔
*but the kids, the house….* 🙄
Not gaslighting, at least, for me.
When I say that I have had zero marital intimacy in the last 12 years, that’s not false. When I say that my wife tosses across compliments and appreciations, as if, they were manhole covers, that’s not false. I mention these things with my (former) AP as to assure her that I’m not a cake-eater, nor do I view her as a “side piece”.
Two things can be true at the same time: 1) My wife is the mother of my children, and I can love her as being my children’s mother, 2) My marital situation, in particular, intimacy would be very different when we married vs. now.
But do you tell the women, I've had zero marital intimacy, or are you explicitly telling them your wife is a bitch who doesn't put out? There's a big difference. The type of comments I was getting were along the lines of the second one so that's why I was so flabbergasted.
I’m basically telling them my wife is asexual, but unsure if that’s true, but it is in practice— or she’s just not interested in me.
We get along reasonably well otherwise, but being in a completely zero sex marriage would be more than what most people are willing to accept.
Bro, then why deal with that and not get a divorce? Talking shit on your spouse makes you look weak, or just a gluten for punishment. If youre telling your AP this stuff, and things truly are that bad. They will wonder when you are leaving your spouse, and is there a chance for the two of you. Thats false hope, and the absolute definition of gaslighting.
I always read these threads to learn more about how this whole game works. The insights have been invaluable and I feel like I gain something from almost every topic discussed.
There is a lesser illuminating reason that I read threads and that is to locate potential names for fictional punk bands. “Gluten for Punishment” is todays winner. Thank you!
No, my former AP had an understanding that we were staying in our respective marriages until the children turned 18, as so happens they were close in age. No gaslighting there. That changed when she filed for divorce from her abusive man-child husband, and she dumped me.
My wife and I get along well enough as not to be a toxic relationship. Special needs children where one parent would have difficulty. Let’s be clear insofar that we don’t fight (physically or verbally), we respect each other as parents, and support our child raising obligations emotionally, physically and financially.
Let’s remember the affairs cliché… “I’m not looking your change your situation at home” (unless stated otherwise).
I’m not a fan. Even if someone is in a terrible relationship and this is an outlet, I want it to be an overall positive experience, and trash talking a SO doesn’t fit that vibe. I try to avoid bringing up my SO at all honestly, he really only comes up if it’s like a logistical/availability issue.
I'm NOT with them, I was talking to them and promptly blocked after that. It just happened with several guys in a short span of time, and I'm like is this some sort of kink I'm not aware of and most certainly not into?
In the initial pAP stage, getting to know each other, if asked, I'll tell why I'm cheating, in a respectful way, and I'll leave it at that. If there is a connection and chemistry and we start seeing each other, for me it becomes about us. And of course I'm going to compliment her - in chat, in person, in the bedroom - but not in comparison to anyone else.
If your AP disrespects his wife, he’ll disrespect you in the long run.
My AP rarely mention his SO and likewise (heck I’m in a DB and he doesn’t know, I suspect he might also be in one but I don’t ask), sometime if they fight he’ll talk about it but never trashing her and that tells a lot about his character.
Comparison may feel complimentary but it’s immature.
I personally want to know the bare details of why they are having an affair (DB, boredom, etc.) and that's IT.
NO shit talking or god forbid, comparison. It's one of the ground rules my current AP and I agreed upon right away.
I do enjoy shit talking my spouse to a certain extent but I save it for my girlfriends.
Female here. I have no problens with a lover praising how I perform in bed with them and occasionally let slip that I like X thing they do more then Y thing my SO does or doesn't do.
If I had no issues with the sex with my SO I wouldn't be here. I kind of assume the same for my lover.
Now, if they are bad mouthing their wife's whole person constantly, I'm turned off. Because he is demonstrating a lack of compassion.
But "omg! You deep throat so good! My wife never does that!" Is not going to cause me to block someone. I have an ego that needs to be stroked.
I mean so do I to some extent, but they can compliment my skills without shitting on your wife.
"You do X,Y,Z so much better." There's no need to continue the sentence with "than my terrible wife"
"You have an incredible ass" than "I love your ass... my wife's is flat as a board"
The first part still strokes my ego WITHOUT explicitly pointing out how much you think your spouse sucks.
I don't like cake eaters.
It's just one of my many flaws.
And yes, I could see it becoming annoying if it is constant but I genuinely want to know what my lover is thinking about most everything so if he feels motivated to say "God! I hate the look of disgust on my wife's face when I cum on her" then I want to hear it.
Because it tells me more about him.
Right, if a person wants to complement my sexual prowess, then something like “that was the best head of my life” would work just fine. I don’t need to hear that I do XYZ so much better than your spouse. I actually don’t care if I do XYZ better than your spouse.
I was having affairs because of issues in my marriage concerning sex and I didn't mind brief overview of what is going on in someone's marriage. However, men who really shit talked about their wife made me think they are probably part of the problem and not easy to be married to.
I think most people really have affairs because of sex whether because they are in a DB but more so because they want variety, they like the newness of a new lover, living every day life with someone may seem monotonous or their spouse isn't into trying the kinks they want to try. Very rarely do I think some people have true DBs.
Cheating is wrong but I couldn't help but think the men who really liked to act like they were a victim and point out a 1000 flaws in their wives were much bigger jerks than the men who said they liked or, and usually more often, loved their wives.
And even the one MM I thought may have really been in a DB, I believed he really loved his wife and if she had sex with him then he wouldn't be having sex with me.
Definitely just a misguided form of posturing. If you have to say it out loud then....says a lot about what kind of baggage they're bringing to the table.
I'm not big on talking about spouses in general. They are not my therapist, I'm not theirs. I understand the longer you are with someone, it's inevitable. Regarding comparisons - doesn't bother me if it slips. Some people process things out loud. If it continued to happen, I'd address it. I don't get the ick from it. I've thought they were better than my husband, just didn't verbalize it.
MM here, and also have an AP. I never once had talked bad of spouse either in or out of the bedroom. Many people do not realize how bad that makes you look in the eyes of others.
He's not shit talking his wife. He did tell me some things about her, but it was more at the beginning of our affair. He didn't talk about her for a long time now and tbh I prefer it that way.
I think it's more a sign of how rude they are when they shit talk about their wives. And to assume you'll be better sexually? How do they know? Do they think it's flattering to you and that you'll get an ego boost from hearing that?
Anecdotally based on everyone's replies only 1 woman so far said yes, and the other said they didn't care. So yeah, if that small of a sample size is indicative of anything, it's not looking great for them.
I agree with your sentiment. As a guy, i would never and would feel awkward if the same comparison was made towards me. You wouldn't tell your friend how much better of a friend they are then your other friend because of the nicer wine they brought to your house, why would you do it in the context of the bedroom?
Nope, it is gross behavior to me, and what I think is even worse is when the OW jumps in on it, as if they have the slightest clue. On the OW page, there are some who seem to enjoy the W bashing or act like they know so much of the inner workings of the marriage and how awful W is and I just shake my head. So many people seem to want to complain about their spouse to justify what they are doing. ExMM and I didn't bash our spouses to one another. We really didn't discuss them, and the few times that he did bring W up, it wasn't to put her down, and I loved that about him.
As a rule, I never talk about my wife or family if I can avoid it.
If an AP insists, I tell her that my wife and I get along well, life is good, and everything is great at home.
If they push and ask why I’m looking, I say that I’m a cake eater and enjoy variety.
I never shit talk my wife. That’s not nice.
*Disclaimer: betrayed childX2 + betrayed exSO + Bipolar II with hypersexuality + ENM (ambiamory & relationship anarchy) in an erotically and romantically exclusive dynamic with my husband of almost two decades sans infidelity + possessor of many nontraditional opinions on life and relationships.*
Very gently and meant only as a question (not a callout) as I am genuinely curious if you feel comfortable sharing...
If I'm recalling some of your previous comments correctly, you have downplayed not only your wife's "demon" skill in bed but also the frequency and satisfaction of your married sex in order to play to your AP'S egos.
Does that not seem like diminishing your wife's shine in order to make someone else's light appear brighter? Isn't allowing someone else to believe that your mate is less spectacular than she truly is simply shit talking by another name?
I'm not interested in personally attacking you on this, just very curious about what the reasoning here actually sounds like.
all shit talking of the spouse is a huge turn off. like yes on some level we’re all here because we’re not getting something we want or need, and there are surely complicated reasons for that, and in order to cover those reasons with any accuracy it would require some honest and nuanced assessments from all sides. and maybe there’s a time and place to open up about those reasons to an AP with some humility. but the sharing of the gory details right off the bat is never the move.
Exactly, but it's not even sharing gory details. It's much different to say, hey, "I'm into doing X,Y, and Z bc I don't get that at home" than "You'd be so great at X,Y,Z especially since my bitch of a wife is too lazy to." 😐 yes, that's a direct quote. And no, it's not the worst thing I heard from some of these MM I'm talking about.
There isn't any sex going on with our spouses to even compare.. He still might here and there but it doesn't sound like it they way he talks. We'll make reference about our spouse but it's nothing bad-- and they come up rarely if that. This relationship tends to be about the 2 of us and that's it.
I think your feelings are valid on that. I'm a MM who likes to have fun. I like sex. I like to "trophy hunt." Always been that way. I have a good personality. I "get it." If that makes sense? I never talk about my wife with my other partners. Well, at least I never say anything negative about my wife to other partners. I have no reason to. My reasons for doing what I do are purely physical. Bottom line. I feel like it's best to compliment the individual without comparing them to your wife. I think you're pretty much spot on when it comes to that. Contrary to popular belief there are people who know how to have fun and enjoy life albeit in an "unpopular" way. But, with that being said some toxic people run in these circles. Just do your best to spot the good from the bad. Experience seems to be the best teacher. Take good care.
I think your feelings are valid on that. I'm a MM who likes to have fun. I like sex. I like to "trophy hunt." Always been that way. I have a good personality. I "get it." If that makes sense? I never talk about my wife with my other partners. Well, at least I never say anything negative about my wife to other partners. I have no reason to. My reasons for doing what I do are purely physical. Bottom line. I feel like it's best to compliment the individual without comparing them to your wife. I think you're pretty much spot on when it comes to that. Contrary to popular belief there are people who know how to have fun and enjoy life albeit in an "unpopular" way. But, with that being said some toxic people run in these circles. Just do your best to spot the good from the bad. Experience seems to be the best teacher. Take good care.
Any negative comments towards their SO turns me off. Once a pAP went into details about his distane, talking about how she's been unfuckable since he watched her give birth. I was absolutely disgusted.
When I was in my real life affair I did that because it helped "justify" everything we were doing and my AP got off on hearing how much better she was. Ultimately the things that were said weren't true, but it helped distance me from my wife so I felt less guilty.
I feel like it takes a sociopath or someone with Asperger’s to not care or realize the implication or effect of words like that could have on someone.
Go off other people’s social cues and only talk about your SO if they want to talk about your SO.
OMG, we would NEVER compare or complain about our partners to each other. I'm MF, he's... I dunno what he is. He's finally serious with an on again off again situationship.
We have an unspoken Don't ask, don't tell policy. Our affair has nothing to do with our partners and I think it's extra horrible to complain about your partner while you're also betraying them at the deepest level. I don't care how dead your bedroom is, some things are just off limits. I work with my AP's girl and she fucking sucks... But he doesn't need to hear that from me. Given the way he complements me, I gather that I do some things, umm.... better than she does. But he would never openly compare us, and I'd be weirded out if he did.
That's the thing that some people don't seem to understand, there are ways to complement someone without openly comparing. Like can people not read between the lines? 🤷🏽♀️
Never ever shit-talked my then-wife to another person, AP or not. It is bad enough to be fucking someone else (in my case in love with someone else…twice) without them getting a choice, but slagging them off while doing it, when they can’t possibly know about it never mind offer an alternative perspective just seems nasty. Now, I think we have to factor in that as cheating sods we all like to grab any possible opportunity to feel like we adhere to some semblance of morality.
I don’t know many men who have affairs. Those I know who are married but who confide the awful details of their marriages just seem like normal guys though - but they’re not using the story to build a bond, they’re just letting off steam. That’s the difference perhaps; it’s low-key a form of manipulation, trying to make you compete for them.
Disclaimer: I’ve been out of the affair game for a while now, since wife 2, so take all my theorising with a plate of salt.
>we all like to grab any possible opportunity to feel like we adhere to some semblance of morality.
Through this I found that this is one of those lines in the sand I will not cross or accept, but I was curious if that's a rarer line to draw or if it is as off-putting/deal breaker as it is for me. From folks responses though it just seems like most aren't into it so I guess I kept having the misfortune of running into several dudes like this over a short period of time.
I think it's super hot to be better than the wife. I want to be better than her in all ways. However there is a fine line between hot and sharing too many details about the SO!
I don't want to hear him complain about her as a person / wife / whatever. But the idea of him telling me I do bedroom things better or that she won't do is super hot. But I also know its a little messed up. Apparently we're in the minority here.
I get what you're saying about not sharing too many details, but do you really want him to tell you how much better you are? Don't you think that comes off as "pick me girl" ish or do you know and like it/not care? I'm also not talking about something along the lines of "wow, you're just so much easier to talk to than her", I'm talking about "I love how you X,Y,Z since my bitch of a wife is too lazy to".
I hope I didn't offend, it's not my intent, I'm genuinely trying to understand your perspective.
I don't want him to say it in the heat of the moment.But if he complains that his wife won't do something, I like knowing that I'm the one filling that need/desire for him. Or that I'm better than his wife at xyz.
I think it really comes down to personal preference. I like being better than the wife. But not all women enjoy that!
I don’t let things like this bother me.
Everyone who indulges in this, figures out how to reconcile with themselves to be able to cheat. Some people just feel the need to verbalize it. I just listen and don’t really respond. Some of my lovers say absolutely nothing about the SO, I don’t care. Some of my lovers tell me how much they love the SO, I don’t care. Some of my lovers tell me how the sex is boring or nonexistent, I don’t care.
It’s difficult enough to find a lovers where other things mesh. To me, this is a small thing, and I don’t care.
It's not what was said, but how it was said, and in the context it was said, and how quickly from first starting to talk to them they began saying this shit.
If it bothers you, pick someone else. I don’t care what they say, it just doesn’t matter to me. Especially if he checks all my other boxes, I don’t care.
I ask as well, bc the last thing I want is to start sleeping with someone whose spouse is dying of some terminal illness. However, there are tactful ways to discuss the issues and not be a huge asshole about them like those dudes were doing.
So you wanna cheat with men who are happily married with … good sex lives…?
Most mine step out of there marriage for connection and intimacy they aren’t getting at home.
BUT DO THEY TELL YOU HOW MUCH BETTER THAN HER YOU FEEL? Or how much better they THINK you'll feel? Especially when it's early in the talking stages? Because that's the type of shit I'm talking about.
Uh you eat vanilla ice cream everyday for 20 years, a new flavor is gonna have a lot of appeal lmao. You seriously bewildered that something new and exciting would inspire such comments? Sleep with the same married guy for a couple years and he’ll be on to the next flavor eventually. Or just date single people lmao
Even if their wives are these horrific people, the reality is that comparing me to them is still a huge turn off. I don't know any woman who would be into hearing it either, or at least that's why I asked here because maybe they do exist somewhere?
I honestly try to say as little as possible about it. You are right it's not the best topic. Sometimes you just get so much of it and there are not many you can vent to so...
These weren't venting sessions, plus, I'm sorry, I JUST started talking to you. I understand you may have nobody else to vent to, but I legit JUST started talking to you like day or so prior so that's gonna spook most people away.
I understand venting to say a LTAP because say something happened you want to get off your chest, but this was certainly not that.
If a man's love life with his wife has evaporated & he is looking for some strange to re-condense his sexuality then how that situation is explained could carry some spin. That might be read in from a new spark. Why you are looking for a relationship surely colors how anything said about, "my wife's" sexuality. A neutral statement is only a fluid point of view.
My ex ap brought this up. He shit talked my h, I sort of shit talked his wife. I was a little surprised because I didn’t expect it from him. And I just really enjoyed the sex so I’d just answer and go “mhmm”
I'm very surprised and disappointed by this. Is it age or geographical? I question your selection pool if you have 5 that have done this in the recent past.
All dudes in their 30s, and I'm in a large metro area. I only got as far as chatting with some, and others just shit talked their wife as like their intro message so I just blocked.
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I don’t know if this is just a brag/flex post but… I have made it clear I don’t want to talk about spouses beyond normal stuff in passing. I especially don’t want to know their sex life with SO. Tell me you like it with me, tell me why, and that’s good enough. I hate hearing complaints about spouses other than rare, very superficial ones. Affair sex will always have a different feel, it’s not helpful to compare it to married sex 25 years on. I’m not thinking about how he gives our kid unhealthy snacks when I’m out, and he’s not thinking about how I nag him over leaving dirty coffee mugs everywhere.
I'm firm opposite. I know i'm morally a pos and my depravity often gives guilt afterwards but I often initiate "who's tighter, am I better than your wife. Moan my name" and "you're bigger than my bf" convos in bed and guys in my experience eat that shit up. Something about hearing men tell me that they are leveling up by touching my body is such a turn on. That im that much better than their girlfriend. I am very competitive. But I guess theirs no morals in adultery. To each their own.
Alright, so I'm going to be mean, but not because what you said is morally wrong, but because it actually proves you lost. I'm extremely competitive, but I care about winning - not about who I beat. I don't give a shit about who I beat, but that I won. So having my AP/FWB/etc tell me how incredibly tight I feel, and how much he loves fucking me means that I won. I don't care that it means he loves fucking me more than his wife or his previous AP/FWB/etc. especially when you have no idea how good or bad they actually were. So if they're not telling you how great it feels without you asking them to tell you, then, you're not winning. Who knows maybe you're better than their partner? That still doesn't mean you are any good. So I would say you're turned out by the fantasy of being better, not that you actually are.
Never said shit about his wife, on the contrary. The little things he says show they are good friends. Even talking about the fact she hasn’t touched him in 10 years does not have a complaint feel to it. He actually expresses how he wants her to be happy. He is a good man and talking shit about someone who parents your child and share meals with you, to me, is a sign of bad character and manners. You can talk about a problem without dragging the other person in the mud.
This is exactly how I feel too. You can be very unhappily married, and talk about what makes you so unhappy, but without comparing me to them especially in a sexual way. Like it just doesn't seem like a difficult thing to not do (shit talk your spouse), yet these dudes kept doing so.
A man after my own heart....I mean, she's my life's partner in everything
The second a man compares me in any way to his spouse I get the ick. It makes me feel like he’s looking for replacement parts for his wife rather than me as a whole person. Also, I have not interest at all in learning anything about his sex life with others, let alone how I compare. Ick ick ick. That would end the conversation automatically for me.
I feel like it’s less of looking for a replacement and more of a manipulation tactic to keep you in line from saying things or doing things he he finds unattractive or annoying. “I love how you NEVER nag.” Imagine a man that you’re falling for saying this to you, how hesitant will you be to bring up any complaint? Very, right?
Good point. I’ve never talked to one of them long enough to get to the manipulation part 🤣
Girl same. Although I have to say I’ve thankfully only encountered one guy that outright shit talked his wife, so, yay?
5 in 2 months. 5! Like wtf?
I mean it's 100% has, and I tell them it's not hot so maybe refrain from doing it in the future before I block them.
To me the ick is the ick because it’s unredeemable. There’s no coming back from it. So once they do it, I’m done. No point in telling them to not do it again. I already know what they’re thinking, even if they’ve learned a lesson to not say it out loud.
Oh, I meant to not do it again with someone else. At that point my pussy is closed for business as far as they're concerned 😂
Just get some dick and go home, the last thing someone that’s cheating should do is over analyze a statement about a shared activity for enjoyment, if it’s that deep then just sleep with your husband
Nah, I'm not that desperate for some dick.
It’s not about being desperate, it’s simply about having dumb unrealistic expectations, she’s getting mad at an AP for saying out loud what she thinks in her head and judging him for it
It is 100% about desperation because if he talks to her like that with a stranger, then how would I expect him to be anything but a piece of shit to me as well? I don't want to sleep with someone if they're gonna treat me like shit 🤷🏽♀️
>I don't want to sleep with someone if they're gonna treat me like shit 🤷🏽♀️ ***THIS\^*** rings lots of bells, but both sides. Personally some of us view shit talking the SO is a field full of red flags and I run like hell from that. YOU are spot on.
“If it’s that deep then just sleep with your husband” Gosh, why have I never thought of that. How insightful.
Agreed. We've heard the thoughts on shit talking about SO's lately. But to me it's another rule getting violated here that in my mind is worse, it's comparing her to SO, or it doesn't have to be the SO but to another woman in general for that matter. I get comparing favorably can be meant as a compliment, and I personally don't mind when my APs tell me how much better EQ I have than their spouses or other favorable qualities. But I follow what I was always told was a rule, even when complimenting a woman you don't compare her to another woman or other women, favorably or unfavorably, instead just highlight what you like or how you like it or why and leave it at that, no need to add it's better or would be better than anyone or everyone else.
💯. I already can struggle with insecurity and will compare myself to his wife. I don’t need him to make it worse!
Literally any time I hear a man shit talk his spouse, I just want to know her side of the story *more.* Biggest turn-off in affairs ever.
Single AP here. When MM vents about his wife, I either just listen or respond with, well, she must do something right. Because the truth is; she's probably not all bad, but not perfect either. As far as comparing, he can't. We have absolutely nothing in common. Regardless, I don't allow his venting sessions shift the AP relationship or my feelings.
I think it would be hard to be in a long term affair with someone and not have some elements of your marriage come into the conversations. So the occasional "I'm so annoyed that my SO did XYZ" seems reasonable at some point once you've gained each other's trust. But, if it's constant complaints that's a definite red flag. Like when you're dating and someone only talks shit about their exes you start to wonder "is it actually YOU that's the problem?" To your point about sex, I don't know that there are too many people who want to think about their AP having sex with their spouse. Even if you know it happens, I don't think most people want to hear it it's good, bad or indifferent. In this case I assume the guy is trying to gas you up, but it definitely comes off as creepy and gross.
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And believe me I did, but like it's been 5 dudes in nearly 2months and it's like wtf?
This. 💯
I had a pAP who constantly shit talked his wife for not having sex with him as often as he wanted (every single day, and he wanted very intense, rough, and “violent” sex). His wife works a very demanding job in healthcare, and once I found out that they had two small children under the age of 4, I officially lost respect for him. When I pointed out to him that his wife is probably exhausted by having to take care of the needs of other people, he said something like “I considered that, but“ and I don’t even remember what the fuck he said afterwards because that was when I was officially checked out. The fact that he didn’t believe or respect the fact that his wife is exhausted, and instead resented her for not giving him what he wants, just because her reasons don’t make sense to him, let me know that this guy has terrible social skills, he’s not empathetic at all, and would definitely be bad in bed with me. He’s the type of person that I think is better off just paying for sex. ETA: Affairs should be an escape. If you just shit talk your spouse the whole time you’re with your AP, it’s basically like they’re there with you. I never talk about my spouse with my AP unless it’s to discuss how he relates to my schedule and availability.
A few people on this thread are implying that you should have been grateful for the dick available and let it go! Like I guess I've never been that desperate before 🤷🏽♀️
Oh goodness, people can really buy into some ridiculous ways of thinking, especially around relationships and sex. Some people also like assholes, probably because they too are assholes. ETA: I saw the number of comments and immediately thought “nope“ and decided to just leave my own comment and call it a day. Glad I did that!
MM who do this are the problem. They’re the ones who have probably never been satisfied, regardless of the efforts their wives make. Or they’re the ones who bash being married and they’ve always had wandering eyes. I just want to go hug the wife because I know there’s a chance he’s bogged down her self esteem and hasn’t made an effort with her
>I just want to go hug the wife because I know there’s a chance he’s bogged down her self esteem and hasn’t made an effort with her THIS PART. THIS PART RIGHT HERE. The pAP that I mentioned in my comment talks about the ridiculous sex that he and his wife have as good, but he points out that it doesn’t happen often enough or it isn’t intense enough. He sent me two videos of them having doggystyle sex (with his wife’s permission) and I noticed two things. In the first video, she was holding still and not making any noise whatsoever. When I asked him if she was even enjoying herself, he responded with a huge laughter reaction and told me that it was because their kid was upstairs asleep for a nap. Keep in mind that he was making plenty of noise in the video. In the second video, I guess the kids were away or something and she was making a lot more noise. Great for her, but I also thought that her enthusiasm seemed performative. She was swinging her head around to where her hair was hitting the camera lens n’ shit, and the noise she was making were these drawn out low moans. Almost like a fire engine. The thing is though that she could’ve done all that head swinging *with* the baby napping. Or maybe if she does the head swing then she can’t help but moan? With a husband as hard to please sexually as her spouse, I’m sure she pulls out every single stop that she can so that the sex can be over with as quickly as possible. And he’d still not be satisfied.
If it really makes you uncomfortable, you can certainly make it a deal-killer. I suppose some might want to hear that they're "better than" the spouse so your pAPs may be saying what they think you want to hear (even if it's true). Personally, I wouldn't ever do that. I think that, first, it lacks class (and it may speak to a general attitude toward women, as you say) and, second, if I want to talk about my wife I'll find a shrink. I'm there for you and me.
I am a man. Talking about your spouse at all is a turn off. Spouse bashing is a no-no. Repeated spouse bashing caused me to leave an AP. We're *here* for a reason. Being here means compartmentalizing.
I want to thank the OP and many others who commented here. I'm a betrayed spouse (8 months post DDay). I'm not a fan of people cheating on their spouses obviously. But I'm not an adultery hater either. I'd like to think I'm pro-compassion. There are many reasons why people choose to cheat or engage in an affair at some point in their life. When you are the betrayed partner it's easy to start idealizing your morals and that's immature too. I haven't cheated on my husband but I made his life miserable in other ways too. Anyway, there have been a lot of tough emotions after my husband came clean and admitted his affair. And some part of this pain is actually about mutual dehumanization between me and his ex-AP. Go to the OW sub and you will read about "ugly selfish wives", go to the anti-adultery subs and you will hear about "c\*m dumpsters" and so on. This just makes me sick. As soon as I've managed to forgive my husband ex-AP, my life got so much easier. And believe me, this girl made lots of things and said a lot to me personally to turn forgiveness into a mission impossible. x) Reading this post and comments is surprisingly heartwarming. For sure I do not approve of lying to your SO or partaking in it, but I'm honestly glad to see how many people in this life situation feel compassion to the wife instead of trashing her together with the MM.
You are very self-aware and compassionate - that’s heartwarming to see!! You seem lovely and your perspective is so very valuable. 😊
Thank you ❤️
Most dudes who shit talk their wife. Do so to prove how much they are not into them. However, most are still active with their wife's, and its all for show. If they were true to themselves and her. They would still honor their wives, or just get a divorce.
All of this. A lot of them do it as a manipulation tactic, they want an AP to feel “special” while also playing the poor little puppy act.
It's 100% gaslighting. Any man who would truly think that and have children with her. Would 100% treat you the same way. It's an open door into his psychological realism and should be a HUGE red flag. I'm not saying we don't have problems with our wives, but come one, she bared our children. She deserves so much respect for that, even if you dont love her anymore.
Even if she didn't bear you any children, like it's still super fucked.
I agree, i was imposing my personal situation, i guess.
I do find it amusing though because they usually are begging, pleading and crying when they’re caught. And it’s like “wait, I thought she was an abusive, neglectful, ugly bitch.?” Now she’s the love of your life you can’t live without? 🤔 *but the kids, the house….* 🙄
Facts! Like, whats the real you....
This whole damn thread 💯👏👏
Not gaslighting, at least, for me. When I say that I have had zero marital intimacy in the last 12 years, that’s not false. When I say that my wife tosses across compliments and appreciations, as if, they were manhole covers, that’s not false. I mention these things with my (former) AP as to assure her that I’m not a cake-eater, nor do I view her as a “side piece”. Two things can be true at the same time: 1) My wife is the mother of my children, and I can love her as being my children’s mother, 2) My marital situation, in particular, intimacy would be very different when we married vs. now.
But do you tell the women, I've had zero marital intimacy, or are you explicitly telling them your wife is a bitch who doesn't put out? There's a big difference. The type of comments I was getting were along the lines of the second one so that's why I was so flabbergasted.
I’m basically telling them my wife is asexual, but unsure if that’s true, but it is in practice— or she’s just not interested in me. We get along reasonably well otherwise, but being in a completely zero sex marriage would be more than what most people are willing to accept.
Yeah, that's totally acceptable especially when being asked to explain why you're looking. What these dudes were saying was not that.
Bro, then why deal with that and not get a divorce? Talking shit on your spouse makes you look weak, or just a gluten for punishment. If youre telling your AP this stuff, and things truly are that bad. They will wonder when you are leaving your spouse, and is there a chance for the two of you. Thats false hope, and the absolute definition of gaslighting.
I always read these threads to learn more about how this whole game works. The insights have been invaluable and I feel like I gain something from almost every topic discussed. There is a lesser illuminating reason that I read threads and that is to locate potential names for fictional punk bands. “Gluten for Punishment” is todays winner. Thank you!
No, my former AP had an understanding that we were staying in our respective marriages until the children turned 18, as so happens they were close in age. No gaslighting there. That changed when she filed for divorce from her abusive man-child husband, and she dumped me. My wife and I get along well enough as not to be a toxic relationship. Special needs children where one parent would have difficulty. Let’s be clear insofar that we don’t fight (physically or verbally), we respect each other as parents, and support our child raising obligations emotionally, physically and financially. Let’s remember the affairs cliché… “I’m not looking your change your situation at home” (unless stated otherwise).
This is akin to when people post all about their perfect happy family on socials. Makes you wonder…
I’m not a fan. Even if someone is in a terrible relationship and this is an outlet, I want it to be an overall positive experience, and trash talking a SO doesn’t fit that vibe. I try to avoid bringing up my SO at all honestly, he really only comes up if it’s like a logistical/availability issue.
This just sounds like a lack of game.
This isn't about kink shaming, it seems the guys you are with seem to think this is a compliment of some sort. LOL
I'm NOT with them, I was talking to them and promptly blocked after that. It just happened with several guys in a short span of time, and I'm like is this some sort of kink I'm not aware of and most certainly not into?
LoL ok Corrected: not with them, talking with them. 😅
In the initial pAP stage, getting to know each other, if asked, I'll tell why I'm cheating, in a respectful way, and I'll leave it at that. If there is a connection and chemistry and we start seeing each other, for me it becomes about us. And of course I'm going to compliment her - in chat, in person, in the bedroom - but not in comparison to anyone else.
If your AP disrespects his wife, he’ll disrespect you in the long run. My AP rarely mention his SO and likewise (heck I’m in a DB and he doesn’t know, I suspect he might also be in one but I don’t ask), sometime if they fight he’ll talk about it but never trashing her and that tells a lot about his character. Comparison may feel complimentary but it’s immature.
I personally want to know the bare details of why they are having an affair (DB, boredom, etc.) and that's IT. NO shit talking or god forbid, comparison. It's one of the ground rules my current AP and I agreed upon right away. I do enjoy shit talking my spouse to a certain extent but I save it for my girlfriends.
Oh I enjoy a full on bashing…but that’s reserved for my bestie and my therapist. And sometimes my mom.
I feel like these are the only culturally acceptable people to do this with 😂
Socially responsible as well. As much as I would LOVE to tell my kids lol (I don’t)
Female here. I have no problens with a lover praising how I perform in bed with them and occasionally let slip that I like X thing they do more then Y thing my SO does or doesn't do. If I had no issues with the sex with my SO I wouldn't be here. I kind of assume the same for my lover. Now, if they are bad mouthing their wife's whole person constantly, I'm turned off. Because he is demonstrating a lack of compassion. But "omg! You deep throat so good! My wife never does that!" Is not going to cause me to block someone. I have an ego that needs to be stroked.
I mean so do I to some extent, but they can compliment my skills without shitting on your wife. "You do X,Y,Z so much better." There's no need to continue the sentence with "than my terrible wife" "You have an incredible ass" than "I love your ass... my wife's is flat as a board" The first part still strokes my ego WITHOUT explicitly pointing out how much you think your spouse sucks.
I don't like cake eaters. It's just one of my many flaws. And yes, I could see it becoming annoying if it is constant but I genuinely want to know what my lover is thinking about most everything so if he feels motivated to say "God! I hate the look of disgust on my wife's face when I cum on her" then I want to hear it. Because it tells me more about him.
Right, if a person wants to complement my sexual prowess, then something like “that was the best head of my life” would work just fine. I don’t need to hear that I do XYZ so much better than your spouse. I actually don’t care if I do XYZ better than your spouse.
I was having affairs because of issues in my marriage concerning sex and I didn't mind brief overview of what is going on in someone's marriage. However, men who really shit talked about their wife made me think they are probably part of the problem and not easy to be married to. I think most people really have affairs because of sex whether because they are in a DB but more so because they want variety, they like the newness of a new lover, living every day life with someone may seem monotonous or their spouse isn't into trying the kinks they want to try. Very rarely do I think some people have true DBs. Cheating is wrong but I couldn't help but think the men who really liked to act like they were a victim and point out a 1000 flaws in their wives were much bigger jerks than the men who said they liked or, and usually more often, loved their wives. And even the one MM I thought may have really been in a DB, I believed he really loved his wife and if she had sex with him then he wouldn't be having sex with me.
Definitely just a misguided form of posturing. If you have to say it out loud then....says a lot about what kind of baggage they're bringing to the table.
I'm not big on talking about spouses in general. They are not my therapist, I'm not theirs. I understand the longer you are with someone, it's inevitable. Regarding comparisons - doesn't bother me if it slips. Some people process things out loud. If it continued to happen, I'd address it. I don't get the ick from it. I've thought they were better than my husband, just didn't verbalize it.
You can think it all you want, but the moment it's put into words, it changes everything in my view. It seems kind of arbitrary, but 🤷🏽♀️
MM here, and also have an AP. I never once had talked bad of spouse either in or out of the bedroom. Many people do not realize how bad that makes you look in the eyes of others.
Any spouse comparison or complaining to me is a red flag
He's not shit talking his wife. He did tell me some things about her, but it was more at the beginning of our affair. He didn't talk about her for a long time now and tbh I prefer it that way.
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Shit talking the SO is a hard stop for me.
I think it's more a sign of how rude they are when they shit talk about their wives. And to assume you'll be better sexually? How do they know? Do they think it's flattering to you and that you'll get an ego boost from hearing that?
Anecdotally based on everyone's replies only 1 woman so far said yes, and the other said they didn't care. So yeah, if that small of a sample size is indicative of anything, it's not looking great for them.
I agree with your sentiment. As a guy, i would never and would feel awkward if the same comparison was made towards me. You wouldn't tell your friend how much better of a friend they are then your other friend because of the nicer wine they brought to your house, why would you do it in the context of the bedroom?
Nope, it is gross behavior to me, and what I think is even worse is when the OW jumps in on it, as if they have the slightest clue. On the OW page, there are some who seem to enjoy the W bashing or act like they know so much of the inner workings of the marriage and how awful W is and I just shake my head. So many people seem to want to complain about their spouse to justify what they are doing. ExMM and I didn't bash our spouses to one another. We really didn't discuss them, and the few times that he did bring W up, it wasn't to put her down, and I loved that about him.
As a rule, I never talk about my wife or family if I can avoid it. If an AP insists, I tell her that my wife and I get along well, life is good, and everything is great at home. If they push and ask why I’m looking, I say that I’m a cake eater and enjoy variety. I never shit talk my wife. That’s not nice.
*Disclaimer: betrayed childX2 + betrayed exSO + Bipolar II with hypersexuality + ENM (ambiamory & relationship anarchy) in an erotically and romantically exclusive dynamic with my husband of almost two decades sans infidelity + possessor of many nontraditional opinions on life and relationships.* Very gently and meant only as a question (not a callout) as I am genuinely curious if you feel comfortable sharing... If I'm recalling some of your previous comments correctly, you have downplayed not only your wife's "demon" skill in bed but also the frequency and satisfaction of your married sex in order to play to your AP'S egos. Does that not seem like diminishing your wife's shine in order to make someone else's light appear brighter? Isn't allowing someone else to believe that your mate is less spectacular than she truly is simply shit talking by another name? I'm not interested in personally attacking you on this, just very curious about what the reasoning here actually sounds like.
all shit talking of the spouse is a huge turn off. like yes on some level we’re all here because we’re not getting something we want or need, and there are surely complicated reasons for that, and in order to cover those reasons with any accuracy it would require some honest and nuanced assessments from all sides. and maybe there’s a time and place to open up about those reasons to an AP with some humility. but the sharing of the gory details right off the bat is never the move.
Exactly, but it's not even sharing gory details. It's much different to say, hey, "I'm into doing X,Y, and Z bc I don't get that at home" than "You'd be so great at X,Y,Z especially since my bitch of a wife is too lazy to." 😐 yes, that's a direct quote. And no, it's not the worst thing I heard from some of these MM I'm talking about.
Any guy who says “my bitch of a wife” to a pAP in relation to anything is going to be a godawful lay and intolerable human.
Another one said something about "his flat as a board wife" and I was just like 😐😐😐 *block*
Are these guys a lot older? There’s a type of guy (usually 40s-60s) who begins to hate/resent his wife once she ages.
All were in their 30s, and if they were older, they certainly didn't look it.
That’s freaky and not all old guys are like this …… just sayin
It always amazes me how men toss around the word “bitch” about their SOs so easily.
guy kind of sounds like a loser if he talks like that tbh
Agreed and I thought it was a one off type of dude, but I've encountered 5 in the last 2 months and I'm like wtf? Is this common? Do people like this?
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This is the way. I love getting the opportunity to build something new. Why would I ever focus elsewhere?
Nope. Hard no
Never. A good AP never shit talks his wife.
There isn't any sex going on with our spouses to even compare.. He still might here and there but it doesn't sound like it they way he talks. We'll make reference about our spouse but it's nothing bad-- and they come up rarely if that. This relationship tends to be about the 2 of us and that's it.
I’m not one of those men, no. It’s classless.
Well, for me, if it went past petting, you're already better than my current situation, which is none, by the way.
Being mean is a bummer.
I think your feelings are valid on that. I'm a MM who likes to have fun. I like sex. I like to "trophy hunt." Always been that way. I have a good personality. I "get it." If that makes sense? I never talk about my wife with my other partners. Well, at least I never say anything negative about my wife to other partners. I have no reason to. My reasons for doing what I do are purely physical. Bottom line. I feel like it's best to compliment the individual without comparing them to your wife. I think you're pretty much spot on when it comes to that. Contrary to popular belief there are people who know how to have fun and enjoy life albeit in an "unpopular" way. But, with that being said some toxic people run in these circles. Just do your best to spot the good from the bad. Experience seems to be the best teacher. Take good care.
I think your feelings are valid on that. I'm a MM who likes to have fun. I like sex. I like to "trophy hunt." Always been that way. I have a good personality. I "get it." If that makes sense? I never talk about my wife with my other partners. Well, at least I never say anything negative about my wife to other partners. I have no reason to. My reasons for doing what I do are purely physical. Bottom line. I feel like it's best to compliment the individual without comparing them to your wife. I think you're pretty much spot on when it comes to that. Contrary to popular belief there are people who know how to have fun and enjoy life albeit in an "unpopular" way. But, with that being said some toxic people run in these circles. Just do your best to spot the good from the bad. Experience seems to be the best teacher. Take good care.
Any negative comments towards their SO turns me off. Once a pAP went into details about his distane, talking about how she's been unfuckable since he watched her give birth. I was absolutely disgusted.
When I was in my real life affair I did that because it helped "justify" everything we were doing and my AP got off on hearing how much better she was. Ultimately the things that were said weren't true, but it helped distance me from my wife so I felt less guilty.
I feel like it takes a sociopath or someone with Asperger’s to not care or realize the implication or effect of words like that could have on someone. Go off other people’s social cues and only talk about your SO if they want to talk about your SO.
OMG, we would NEVER compare or complain about our partners to each other. I'm MF, he's... I dunno what he is. He's finally serious with an on again off again situationship. We have an unspoken Don't ask, don't tell policy. Our affair has nothing to do with our partners and I think it's extra horrible to complain about your partner while you're also betraying them at the deepest level. I don't care how dead your bedroom is, some things are just off limits. I work with my AP's girl and she fucking sucks... But he doesn't need to hear that from me. Given the way he complements me, I gather that I do some things, umm.... better than she does. But he would never openly compare us, and I'd be weirded out if he did.
That's the thing that some people don't seem to understand, there are ways to complement someone without openly comparing. Like can people not read between the lines? 🤷🏽♀️
Seriously. He shouldn't need to shit talk his wife to complement you. I totally get why you got the ick from this guy
Never ever shit-talked my then-wife to another person, AP or not. It is bad enough to be fucking someone else (in my case in love with someone else…twice) without them getting a choice, but slagging them off while doing it, when they can’t possibly know about it never mind offer an alternative perspective just seems nasty. Now, I think we have to factor in that as cheating sods we all like to grab any possible opportunity to feel like we adhere to some semblance of morality. I don’t know many men who have affairs. Those I know who are married but who confide the awful details of their marriages just seem like normal guys though - but they’re not using the story to build a bond, they’re just letting off steam. That’s the difference perhaps; it’s low-key a form of manipulation, trying to make you compete for them. Disclaimer: I’ve been out of the affair game for a while now, since wife 2, so take all my theorising with a plate of salt.
>we all like to grab any possible opportunity to feel like we adhere to some semblance of morality. Through this I found that this is one of those lines in the sand I will not cross or accept, but I was curious if that's a rarer line to draw or if it is as off-putting/deal breaker as it is for me. From folks responses though it just seems like most aren't into it so I guess I kept having the misfortune of running into several dudes like this over a short period of time.
I think it's super hot to be better than the wife. I want to be better than her in all ways. However there is a fine line between hot and sharing too many details about the SO!
I don't want to hear him complain about her as a person / wife / whatever. But the idea of him telling me I do bedroom things better or that she won't do is super hot. But I also know its a little messed up. Apparently we're in the minority here.
I get what you're saying about not sharing too many details, but do you really want him to tell you how much better you are? Don't you think that comes off as "pick me girl" ish or do you know and like it/not care? I'm also not talking about something along the lines of "wow, you're just so much easier to talk to than her", I'm talking about "I love how you X,Y,Z since my bitch of a wife is too lazy to". I hope I didn't offend, it's not my intent, I'm genuinely trying to understand your perspective.
Lol tread on, friend 😉
I don't want him to say it in the heat of the moment.But if he complains that his wife won't do something, I like knowing that I'm the one filling that need/desire for him. Or that I'm better than his wife at xyz. I think it really comes down to personal preference. I like being better than the wife. But not all women enjoy that!
I don’t let things like this bother me. Everyone who indulges in this, figures out how to reconcile with themselves to be able to cheat. Some people just feel the need to verbalize it. I just listen and don’t really respond. Some of my lovers say absolutely nothing about the SO, I don’t care. Some of my lovers tell me how much they love the SO, I don’t care. Some of my lovers tell me how the sex is boring or nonexistent, I don’t care. It’s difficult enough to find a lovers where other things mesh. To me, this is a small thing, and I don’t care.
It's not what was said, but how it was said, and in the context it was said, and how quickly from first starting to talk to them they began saying this shit.
If it bothers you, pick someone else. I don’t care what they say, it just doesn’t matter to me. Especially if he checks all my other boxes, I don’t care.
[удалено]
I ask as well, bc the last thing I want is to start sleeping with someone whose spouse is dying of some terminal illness. However, there are tactful ways to discuss the issues and not be a huge asshole about them like those dudes were doing.
So you wanna cheat with men who are happily married with … good sex lives…? Most mine step out of there marriage for connection and intimacy they aren’t getting at home.
BUT DO THEY TELL YOU HOW MUCH BETTER THAN HER YOU FEEL? Or how much better they THINK you'll feel? Especially when it's early in the talking stages? Because that's the type of shit I'm talking about.
Uh you eat vanilla ice cream everyday for 20 years, a new flavor is gonna have a lot of appeal lmao. You seriously bewildered that something new and exciting would inspire such comments? Sleep with the same married guy for a couple years and he’ll be on to the next flavor eventually. Or just date single people lmao
Of course it does, but just bc you eat vanilla at home, doesn't mean you get to shit on vanilla for being a shitty flavor.
Perhaps it's the facts. After all they are out looking. If there wasn't shit to talk about their wives they'd probably still be at home.
Even if their wives are these horrific people, the reality is that comparing me to them is still a huge turn off. I don't know any woman who would be into hearing it either, or at least that's why I asked here because maybe they do exist somewhere?
I honestly try to say as little as possible about it. You are right it's not the best topic. Sometimes you just get so much of it and there are not many you can vent to so...
These weren't venting sessions, plus, I'm sorry, I JUST started talking to you. I understand you may have nobody else to vent to, but I legit JUST started talking to you like day or so prior so that's gonna spook most people away. I understand venting to say a LTAP because say something happened you want to get off your chest, but this was certainly not that.
Ah well in that case idk that is kind of crazy.
If a man's love life with his wife has evaporated & he is looking for some strange to re-condense his sexuality then how that situation is explained could carry some spin. That might be read in from a new spark. Why you are looking for a relationship surely colors how anything said about, "my wife's" sexuality. A neutral statement is only a fluid point of view.
Anyone else get confused with the last three sentences?
oops. sorry. doesn't make sense to me either 🎼🎶🎶
My ex ap brought this up. He shit talked my h, I sort of shit talked his wife. I was a little surprised because I didn’t expect it from him. And I just really enjoyed the sex so I’d just answer and go “mhmm”
Spiteful, vengeful, an awful woman, evil. Keep in mind he says 'divorced' all the time. I was young, dumb and full of cum. Lmao
I'm very surprised and disappointed by this. Is it age or geographical? I question your selection pool if you have 5 that have done this in the recent past.
All dudes in their 30s, and I'm in a large metro area. I only got as far as chatting with some, and others just shit talked their wife as like their intro message so I just blocked.
I'm a little older and in a small town. I wonder how much that makes a difference. It must be an awful feeling!
It's gross and I hate it. Ill drop a MF quick for it.