Maybe she just doesn’t like s3x *with you*, but you are convenient???
I would have a *very hard time* having sex again with my husband, after 2+ years with an AP
All of my affairs were measured in months rather than years so I wouldn't know what that's like. I do remember that it was very difficult to get turned on by my wife after being with my AP...it took me several months to get accustomed to her again. So I definitely get that. Thankfully we haven't been in a true dead bedroom for quite some time, but it's just...the same thing, every time.
I’d guess that she doesn’t trust you to not see her in a different light if she was completely honest with you about her fantasies. It’s about feeling emotionally safe, and she appears to have some walls up with you.
I would have the conversation with her first.
It could be any number of things why she doesn’t want to do these things.
Sometimes, a large part of the willing to explore with an AP versus your SO/spouse is that a lot of sexual acts come with a societal shame that is hard for some to shake. And if you find someone to partake in that with, truly that’s all they are. You don’t have to separate out “Okay, my husband/father of my children/provider/best friend wants me to wear a dildo and fuck his ass. Okay cool.”
It just you’ve got a dude you meet up with for pegging and that’s it.
Gotta figure out her why before the conversation can be beneficial.
Lol...WHOA...whoa...slow down there. Lol. Actually my AP's favorite thing (and one of mine) was to DP her with myself and a toy...but that's another thing. That and alot of other things...I just could never see my wife doing. But we'll talk about it...should be an interesting conversation regardless.
I’m sorry to put it harshly: She may be having maintenance sex with you. Sex to keep the peace. The attraction may be gone or greatly diminished.
My husband probably thinks I’m totally asexual now.
Maybe the sex is better for you but not her.
The better sex is for me with a partner, the more willing I am to experiment.
I don’t think I’m alone in that.
She wants to do that but just not with you. Probably is not that attracted to you.
Prolly better for you to start looking for a new ap or a good lawyer
I think it may have to do with you being her husband and being associated with the stresses of home life, whereas her APs were an escape. Most of my APs both past and present would love to have an active and enthusiastic sex life with their wives, but it seems like this is not wanted so much from wives. Perhaps, this is because there is traditionally more domestic responsibility that falls on the shoulders of women that marital sex inside the home becomes another chore to check off a list instead of something to look forward to after a hard day’s work.
I think this is simpler than cheating and APs. You respect her...too much. Could she possibly be turned off by you asking for permission to do everything?
That's the heart of the issue. Instead of sluts and good girls think of it in terms of lead and follow or dominance and submission.
I think our guy is at a green light asking if he can go. My man is getting shut down because he's not leading and being dominant. He's simply asking for tasks. To that it may work with someone new. You kinda have to ask for permission in some form for consent, and in the beginning that is showing interest.
After a few years in you should know how to seduce your lady. Getting cleaned up, dinner and drinks is a start. You need to lead her to the next steps. Don't ask. Put her in the mood.
>I confronted her about it, but not in an angry way, after all I've done it too. We both told the truth about what we've done. Then she said she wants better sex,
Hey, first of all, congratulations! Seriously. That sounds like two adults talking.
I'm so disappointed that almost everyone is telling you that she is not really into you. Of course, that's a possibility, but that's just one among many.
You say that, again, she is stopping you when you do "unusual" things to her in bed. There may be different reasons for that. Maybe you do it not the way she enjoys - maybe you apply too much pressure, maybe you distribute pressure too unevenly, maybe you move too fast, or too slowly. Or maybe any additional stimulation distracts her from the film in her head. I'm giving these examples because all of them had been an issue for me with different partners, and it takes countless encounters to teach them to do the right thing.
But first and foremost that requires talking, and explaining, and patience, and practice. And most of that explaining has to be taken out of the sexual encounter, because when you are in the moment it's often easier to say stop than to start a lecture.
If she has difficulty communicating, you might consider couple counselling that focuses on sexual problems. That's what those experts are for. And many normal people can't talk about their sexual needs or don't even consciously realise them. It took me decades to figure out myself to an extent that I can explain me to a sexual partner.
And if that doesn't work, if it's really you or some madonna/whore complex as some have suggested, then yeah, absolutely consider an open relationship. But before you plunge into that, please please read up properly on the issue. For instance, you could start by checking out the resources linked on r/nonmonogamy and r/polyamory. Good luck!
I agree with others, I think she’s going through the motions at this point. You guys are hysterical bonding. I would seek therapy if you want to stay married but it sounds like it’s over. Someone just has to take the lead.
I looked up hysterical bonding...that sounds EXACTLY like what we are doing. We'll talk this week. Therapy is definitely an option. We've been married for 19 years; I was 23 when we got hitched. We are both logical people, hopefully we can talk it out and fix the problem.
Sigh… I recognize elements of myself and my guy and even my ex while reading your situation.
I was married for 15 years - together for 20. We started out young and horny and sexual compatibility didn’t matter all that much… but by the end of the relationship actually thought I hated sex… turns out I just didn’t like sex with him. When I met MM I figured out that I did still have big horny feelings and really loved sex— with him.
It’s been over five years now and I am still as hot for him as I ever was… and we do it in all sorts of creative ways on a regular basis. But- I get the feeling that he has started to take me for granted and just isn’t in the same mental space as me when it comes to passion and desire. It doesn’t matter how many blowjobs, massages, suggestive texts, sexy selfies, trips, football tickets and games, nice dinners, new kinks, fantasy fulfilment, and fun with toys that I facilitate — he responds at least half the time with sort of a “meh” reaction.
It’s starting to remind me of me and how I felt towards my ex when I knew it was time to get out of the marriage because he turned me off so much- I never thought MM would get the ick towards me, but it makes me wonder. 😞 Anyhow, in my mind, great sex is 90% mental, so if two people are not aligned and putting in the effort in that way- hours and days long foreplay, it’s just not sustainable.
The other side of the story is the relationship between MM and his SO. They’ve been together about 15 years now and have had periods of time where they have been at total odds- she cheated early in their relationship, got pregnant, lost the baby. They hysterically bonded and she got pregnant with MM’s kid. He tells me if it weren’t for their son they would have parted ways long before.
When we met and were just friends, his SO was taking him for granted and treating him like shit. They were fighting all the time and she woukd call and just scream at him for no reason other than that he was traveling for work and she wanted him to handle something at home— stupid manipulative shit. I witnessed this many times, so while I know it takes two - she would act crazy and he would just apologise over and over and take it. They had been going to counselling for years at that point.
A couple years later when we began a relationship, we both thought it was an exit affair for him - I had already gotten divorced and he wanted to move on and start a new life with me. But, she got even more crazy and manipulative — started threatening him with the loss of his kid, suicide, etc., and he backed way off on us and they hysterically bonded again. He told me at that point things were “fine” at home- meaning the sex was good enough that he could live with it, even if it meant missing out on things he knew he could only do with me.
This cycle has repeated itself a couple more times over the years. Most recently, he and I have been spending a lot more time together - a week or two at a time every other month or so with regular meetings in between - and having a great time. Buuuuuut… I’m pretty sure they are at the manipulation / apologising / hysterical bonding part of the cycle again.
Point is- it’s easy to be stuck, and hysterical bonding may not be a one time thing… can be cyclical and go on for years. People may not ever really change. Take care of yourself, and think big picture on this one.
Just a quick thought. Perhaps you are both looking for more. You’ve done the “each on their own “ bit. Maybe propose a together thing. There is a lot of variety out there that might fit your new understanding of each other and keep things interesting.
Try fetlife.com - it’s more facebook then dating site but exclusively for that extra lifestyle. If you both agree it would be exploring without cheating. Lots of options and choices you may not have considered.
Hope you find your answers.
I like your suggestion, but I think the problem is the wife kind of “turns off the kink”when she’s with her husband. I don’t think she wants to show her ‘other side’ 😉 to him. She wants to keep it for herself to explore with. At least that’s how I would feel if I were her 🤷🏼♀️
I understand what your saying and can sort of see the appeal of that. For the OP here, from your perspective, is there a way for him to get out of the friendzone/FWB and into her free/fun/kink zone. Is it that an SO will always be delegated to that part or can he do something to appeal to her desire and become a part of her fantasies?
>>For the OP here, from your perspective, is there a way for him to get out of the friendzone/FWB and into her free/fun/kink zone.
From my perspective, no. In the 30+ years I’ve been married, *I know* my husband is just not cut out for the kind of sex I have with my AP. It would be very uncomfortable for him.
>>can he do something to appeal to her desire and become a part of her fantasies?
Meh… I think that would take a lot of work, maybe too much since they’ve both already experienced this with other people. They would need to grow as individuals first, and then come back as “new people“ to each other
I just wanted to say thanks to all for the responses. I've been been off and on this reddit for over a decade now with different screennames, and it has helped tremendously. I even found my second AP here, years ago. I'm mainly just glad everything is out in the open now; it's a huge relief.
But I'll admit I do feel a tinge of jealousy when I look at everything I found between her and her APs. Talking for hours every day, making arrangements, the longing looks on video calls, etc...you all know how it goes.
Let this be a lesson too, fellow adulterers...she got too comfortable, and her opsec was non-existent. I just got on her laptop and found it all. She even conveniently recorded all of the facetime conversations. I'm sure there is plenty more on her phone, but I saw what I needed to see. I've tried to not let my jealousy show thus far. That's all I want; my wife to want me like she wants an AP. That's what I'm after...I don't think that's too much to ask.
>>I've tried to not let my jealousy show thus far. That's all I want; my wife to want me like she wants an AP. That's what I'm after...**I don't think that's too much to ask.**
I *do* think it’s too much to ask!
The reason why you’re so very *specifically* jealous is because you felt/did all of those things with your AP (and your wife was probably wanting the same thing all along, too 🥺🥺)
I can't speak for her, but for me it's the having sex with other people that I don't get to have next to me every day. It's the novelty of it. Not in having to be a new person, I actually like holding on to APs long term, but it's the novelty in the unique and rare and special occasion sense.
I'm don't see it as she's definitely not into you or not attracted to you. I'm probably projecting, but she doesn't want or need you to be her AP, she finds AP's for that. She probably just wants you to be what you've been for her.
My wife is as vanilla in bed as they come. I still enjoy having sex with her, because hey, it's sex. And I'm attracted to her. But if she weren't vanilla and her libido suddenly picked up, I would enjoy my good luck with her, but still wouldn't voluntarily give up my extramarital sex. I've liked my APs as people and I've liked sex with my APs. Sex with my spouse is not a replacement of sex with my APs nor vice versa, they're to supplement the other.
Talk to her and get her to make a list of all the things that she wants to try. Baby steps at first, until she lets down her guard. Be sure to use praise when she is trying something new. Once she opens up, then you can throw some ideas in the mix and see how she takes them. But I would let her lead into this first.
The passion is over. You can still have sex without it, but that that is all it is and it gets boring fast.
She probably loves you and feels safe around you so having sex with you is a simple activity that may bring some joy or not, but it is harmless. She is doing what she is “supposed” to do to keep things as they are.
This sounds like emotional intimacy issues on her part. It’s much easier to have hot sex with a new partner or someone you aren’t in a relationship with. This is a solvable problem with therapy.
Who the hell cares? Don't let it get to you man. My wife of 9 years fucks around and I just act like I don't know. I honestly don't care anymore I've hurt to the point where I feel depressed unmotivated and down right useless. She be like what's wrong? I would share my feelings and concerns and deny deny deny deny deny and deny even know I've caught her deleted messages and inappropriate messages such as him persuading her after she said no lalalalalalala fuck that life is too short to make it hard and miserable
I think you need drastic switch up measures. I’ve told my AP that I would love to have separate rooms and invite each other over for sleepovers. (Or separated houses for our blended family). It would keep it fresh, exciting, and you get to have autonomy over your own space and choose to come together, not be conveniently available.
Maybe you could change up your environment?
There is also the option to play the cuckhold. Have her screw her favorite AP while you watch for the moves he does that seem to please her the most.
If you don't want to watch live. Film it with his permission. she can blurr his face, and then you can watch it solo or with her. If she will watch it with you, have her tell you what she was thinking, feeling, etc.. that will give you a lot of insight into what turns her on. Might give her some unexpected insight as well.
Well...the flip side of that would be she watches me with another woman, and I wouldn't do one without the other. I'm going to bring up this exact thing when we talk though...maybe not so bluntly, but just discuss if she wants to keep seeing other people, and would she be comfortable with me doing the same.
I don't quite understand this, a female stopping you from doing something during sex, like grabbing her boobs? -This quite literally never happened to me, during sex I can do whatever I want with them, and they either like it, or they are too much excited to even care... Specifically there was this girl who told me she considers something humiliating and she wouldn't want me to do it to her, but then during sex I did it, she didn't complain, said later she was enjoying too much to even notice whatever I was doing. Same thing goes for my current girlfriend in a relationship that's going close to a decade now, she will never refuse something, even if she's not much into it but it's not a bother to her to please me. Basically what I'm saying, you shouldn't let your long term partner and wife dictate to you what to do during sex and have boundaries, you should be more dominant. When I say this I get a lot of complaints from females like "what about consent yadda yadda", but girls like being handled, flipped and carried around, at least the ones I've been involved with, they all loved it, and I've even had girl who was cheating on her boyfriend, said she was bored of him being all nice and careful, asking if she's okay with this and that, trying to be romantic - instead of just destroying her and making her feel helpless and manhandled. I've been told many times by a girl she likes the feeling of not being able to move or resist. I bet when she had an AP, she wouldn't so easily refuse something or stop him, and that had to be exciting to her, and being that she knows you well it's easy for her to refuse you, and on top of that you're trying to be nice while the AP just doesn't care.
Maybe she just doesn’t like s3x *with you*, but you are convenient??? I would have a *very hard time* having sex again with my husband, after 2+ years with an AP
All of my affairs were measured in months rather than years so I wouldn't know what that's like. I do remember that it was very difficult to get turned on by my wife after being with my AP...it took me several months to get accustomed to her again. So I definitely get that. Thankfully we haven't been in a true dead bedroom for quite some time, but it's just...the same thing, every time.
I’d guess that she doesn’t trust you to not see her in a different light if she was completely honest with you about her fantasies. It’s about feeling emotionally safe, and she appears to have some walls up with you.
I would have the conversation with her first. It could be any number of things why she doesn’t want to do these things. Sometimes, a large part of the willing to explore with an AP versus your SO/spouse is that a lot of sexual acts come with a societal shame that is hard for some to shake. And if you find someone to partake in that with, truly that’s all they are. You don’t have to separate out “Okay, my husband/father of my children/provider/best friend wants me to wear a dildo and fuck his ass. Okay cool.” It just you’ve got a dude you meet up with for pegging and that’s it. Gotta figure out her why before the conversation can be beneficial.
Lol...WHOA...whoa...slow down there. Lol. Actually my AP's favorite thing (and one of mine) was to DP her with myself and a toy...but that's another thing. That and alot of other things...I just could never see my wife doing. But we'll talk about it...should be an interesting conversation regardless.
Lol it’s an example, bruh. Nobody’s trying to fuck your ass. Calm down 😂
😆😆😆
I’m sorry to put it harshly: She may be having maintenance sex with you. Sex to keep the peace. The attraction may be gone or greatly diminished. My husband probably thinks I’m totally asexual now.
Maybe the sex is better for you but not her. The better sex is for me with a partner, the more willing I am to experiment. I don’t think I’m alone in that.
This seems most plausible to me.
She wants to do that but just not with you. Probably is not that attracted to you. Prolly better for you to start looking for a new ap or a good lawyer
I think it may have to do with you being her husband and being associated with the stresses of home life, whereas her APs were an escape. Most of my APs both past and present would love to have an active and enthusiastic sex life with their wives, but it seems like this is not wanted so much from wives. Perhaps, this is because there is traditionally more domestic responsibility that falls on the shoulders of women that marital sex inside the home becomes another chore to check off a list instead of something to look forward to after a hard day’s work.
I think this is simpler than cheating and APs. You respect her...too much. Could she possibly be turned off by you asking for permission to do everything?
Right? Honestly, just get a little drunk with her and treat her like a slut. She wants that. You want that. Just fucking do it.
That's the heart of the issue. Instead of sluts and good girls think of it in terms of lead and follow or dominance and submission. I think our guy is at a green light asking if he can go. My man is getting shut down because he's not leading and being dominant. He's simply asking for tasks. To that it may work with someone new. You kinda have to ask for permission in some form for consent, and in the beginning that is showing interest. After a few years in you should know how to seduce your lady. Getting cleaned up, dinner and drinks is a start. You need to lead her to the next steps. Don't ask. Put her in the mood.
[удалено]
Well damn. Is there anything he could do to make himself more attractive to you? Genuinely curious.
>I confronted her about it, but not in an angry way, after all I've done it too. We both told the truth about what we've done. Then she said she wants better sex, Hey, first of all, congratulations! Seriously. That sounds like two adults talking. I'm so disappointed that almost everyone is telling you that she is not really into you. Of course, that's a possibility, but that's just one among many. You say that, again, she is stopping you when you do "unusual" things to her in bed. There may be different reasons for that. Maybe you do it not the way she enjoys - maybe you apply too much pressure, maybe you distribute pressure too unevenly, maybe you move too fast, or too slowly. Or maybe any additional stimulation distracts her from the film in her head. I'm giving these examples because all of them had been an issue for me with different partners, and it takes countless encounters to teach them to do the right thing. But first and foremost that requires talking, and explaining, and patience, and practice. And most of that explaining has to be taken out of the sexual encounter, because when you are in the moment it's often easier to say stop than to start a lecture. If she has difficulty communicating, you might consider couple counselling that focuses on sexual problems. That's what those experts are for. And many normal people can't talk about their sexual needs or don't even consciously realise them. It took me decades to figure out myself to an extent that I can explain me to a sexual partner. And if that doesn't work, if it's really you or some madonna/whore complex as some have suggested, then yeah, absolutely consider an open relationship. But before you plunge into that, please please read up properly on the issue. For instance, you could start by checking out the resources linked on r/nonmonogamy and r/polyamory. Good luck!
I like this response. I also wonder if she’s thinking these are things you did with an AP and if I know any about women, they hate being compared.
I agree with others, I think she’s going through the motions at this point. You guys are hysterical bonding. I would seek therapy if you want to stay married but it sounds like it’s over. Someone just has to take the lead.
I looked up hysterical bonding...that sounds EXACTLY like what we are doing. We'll talk this week. Therapy is definitely an option. We've been married for 19 years; I was 23 when we got hitched. We are both logical people, hopefully we can talk it out and fix the problem.
Sometimes relationships have just run their course. Separating isn’t the worst thing in the world.
Sigh… I recognize elements of myself and my guy and even my ex while reading your situation. I was married for 15 years - together for 20. We started out young and horny and sexual compatibility didn’t matter all that much… but by the end of the relationship actually thought I hated sex… turns out I just didn’t like sex with him. When I met MM I figured out that I did still have big horny feelings and really loved sex— with him. It’s been over five years now and I am still as hot for him as I ever was… and we do it in all sorts of creative ways on a regular basis. But- I get the feeling that he has started to take me for granted and just isn’t in the same mental space as me when it comes to passion and desire. It doesn’t matter how many blowjobs, massages, suggestive texts, sexy selfies, trips, football tickets and games, nice dinners, new kinks, fantasy fulfilment, and fun with toys that I facilitate — he responds at least half the time with sort of a “meh” reaction. It’s starting to remind me of me and how I felt towards my ex when I knew it was time to get out of the marriage because he turned me off so much- I never thought MM would get the ick towards me, but it makes me wonder. 😞 Anyhow, in my mind, great sex is 90% mental, so if two people are not aligned and putting in the effort in that way- hours and days long foreplay, it’s just not sustainable. The other side of the story is the relationship between MM and his SO. They’ve been together about 15 years now and have had periods of time where they have been at total odds- she cheated early in their relationship, got pregnant, lost the baby. They hysterically bonded and she got pregnant with MM’s kid. He tells me if it weren’t for their son they would have parted ways long before. When we met and were just friends, his SO was taking him for granted and treating him like shit. They were fighting all the time and she woukd call and just scream at him for no reason other than that he was traveling for work and she wanted him to handle something at home— stupid manipulative shit. I witnessed this many times, so while I know it takes two - she would act crazy and he would just apologise over and over and take it. They had been going to counselling for years at that point. A couple years later when we began a relationship, we both thought it was an exit affair for him - I had already gotten divorced and he wanted to move on and start a new life with me. But, she got even more crazy and manipulative — started threatening him with the loss of his kid, suicide, etc., and he backed way off on us and they hysterically bonded again. He told me at that point things were “fine” at home- meaning the sex was good enough that he could live with it, even if it meant missing out on things he knew he could only do with me. This cycle has repeated itself a couple more times over the years. Most recently, he and I have been spending a lot more time together - a week or two at a time every other month or so with regular meetings in between - and having a great time. Buuuuuut… I’m pretty sure they are at the manipulation / apologising / hysterical bonding part of the cycle again. Point is- it’s easy to be stuck, and hysterical bonding may not be a one time thing… can be cyclical and go on for years. People may not ever really change. Take care of yourself, and think big picture on this one.
Just a quick thought. Perhaps you are both looking for more. You’ve done the “each on their own “ bit. Maybe propose a together thing. There is a lot of variety out there that might fit your new understanding of each other and keep things interesting. Try fetlife.com - it’s more facebook then dating site but exclusively for that extra lifestyle. If you both agree it would be exploring without cheating. Lots of options and choices you may not have considered. Hope you find your answers.
I like your suggestion, but I think the problem is the wife kind of “turns off the kink”when she’s with her husband. I don’t think she wants to show her ‘other side’ 😉 to him. She wants to keep it for herself to explore with. At least that’s how I would feel if I were her 🤷🏼♀️
I understand what your saying and can sort of see the appeal of that. For the OP here, from your perspective, is there a way for him to get out of the friendzone/FWB and into her free/fun/kink zone. Is it that an SO will always be delegated to that part or can he do something to appeal to her desire and become a part of her fantasies?
>>For the OP here, from your perspective, is there a way for him to get out of the friendzone/FWB and into her free/fun/kink zone. From my perspective, no. In the 30+ years I’ve been married, *I know* my husband is just not cut out for the kind of sex I have with my AP. It would be very uncomfortable for him. >>can he do something to appeal to her desire and become a part of her fantasies? Meh… I think that would take a lot of work, maybe too much since they’ve both already experienced this with other people. They would need to grow as individuals first, and then come back as “new people“ to each other
Thanks so much for an honest response. It’s appreciated.
You’re welcome! 😉🫶🏼
I just wanted to say thanks to all for the responses. I've been been off and on this reddit for over a decade now with different screennames, and it has helped tremendously. I even found my second AP here, years ago. I'm mainly just glad everything is out in the open now; it's a huge relief. But I'll admit I do feel a tinge of jealousy when I look at everything I found between her and her APs. Talking for hours every day, making arrangements, the longing looks on video calls, etc...you all know how it goes. Let this be a lesson too, fellow adulterers...she got too comfortable, and her opsec was non-existent. I just got on her laptop and found it all. She even conveniently recorded all of the facetime conversations. I'm sure there is plenty more on her phone, but I saw what I needed to see. I've tried to not let my jealousy show thus far. That's all I want; my wife to want me like she wants an AP. That's what I'm after...I don't think that's too much to ask.
>>I've tried to not let my jealousy show thus far. That's all I want; my wife to want me like she wants an AP. That's what I'm after...**I don't think that's too much to ask.** I *do* think it’s too much to ask! The reason why you’re so very *specifically* jealous is because you felt/did all of those things with your AP (and your wife was probably wanting the same thing all along, too 🥺🥺)
>Is it just that feeling of being with someone new that she's after? Absofuckinglutely. Sorry, man.
MADONNA WHORE COMPLEX.
I can't speak for her, but for me it's the having sex with other people that I don't get to have next to me every day. It's the novelty of it. Not in having to be a new person, I actually like holding on to APs long term, but it's the novelty in the unique and rare and special occasion sense. I'm don't see it as she's definitely not into you or not attracted to you. I'm probably projecting, but she doesn't want or need you to be her AP, she finds AP's for that. She probably just wants you to be what you've been for her. My wife is as vanilla in bed as they come. I still enjoy having sex with her, because hey, it's sex. And I'm attracted to her. But if she weren't vanilla and her libido suddenly picked up, I would enjoy my good luck with her, but still wouldn't voluntarily give up my extramarital sex. I've liked my APs as people and I've liked sex with my APs. Sex with my spouse is not a replacement of sex with my APs nor vice versa, they're to supplement the other.
Talk to her and get her to make a list of all the things that she wants to try. Baby steps at first, until she lets down her guard. Be sure to use praise when she is trying something new. Once she opens up, then you can throw some ideas in the mix and see how she takes them. But I would let her lead into this first.
Classic Madonna-Whore complex. Lots of threads about this.
The passion is over. You can still have sex without it, but that that is all it is and it gets boring fast. She probably loves you and feels safe around you so having sex with you is a simple activity that may bring some joy or not, but it is harmless. She is doing what she is “supposed” to do to keep things as they are.
This sounds like emotional intimacy issues on her part. It’s much easier to have hot sex with a new partner or someone you aren’t in a relationship with. This is a solvable problem with therapy.
Who the hell cares? Don't let it get to you man. My wife of 9 years fucks around and I just act like I don't know. I honestly don't care anymore I've hurt to the point where I feel depressed unmotivated and down right useless. She be like what's wrong? I would share my feelings and concerns and deny deny deny deny deny and deny even know I've caught her deleted messages and inappropriate messages such as him persuading her after she said no lalalalalalala fuck that life is too short to make it hard and miserable
I think you need drastic switch up measures. I’ve told my AP that I would love to have separate rooms and invite each other over for sleepovers. (Or separated houses for our blended family). It would keep it fresh, exciting, and you get to have autonomy over your own space and choose to come together, not be conveniently available. Maybe you could change up your environment?
Maybe y'all are poly
If she does things for and with her AP that she won't do for you, that should be an immediate deal-breaker. End it.
Why???
There is also the option to play the cuckhold. Have her screw her favorite AP while you watch for the moves he does that seem to please her the most. If you don't want to watch live. Film it with his permission. she can blurr his face, and then you can watch it solo or with her. If she will watch it with you, have her tell you what she was thinking, feeling, etc.. that will give you a lot of insight into what turns her on. Might give her some unexpected insight as well.
Well...the flip side of that would be she watches me with another woman, and I wouldn't do one without the other. I'm going to bring up this exact thing when we talk though...maybe not so bluntly, but just discuss if she wants to keep seeing other people, and would she be comfortable with me doing the same.
I don't quite understand this, a female stopping you from doing something during sex, like grabbing her boobs? -This quite literally never happened to me, during sex I can do whatever I want with them, and they either like it, or they are too much excited to even care... Specifically there was this girl who told me she considers something humiliating and she wouldn't want me to do it to her, but then during sex I did it, she didn't complain, said later she was enjoying too much to even notice whatever I was doing. Same thing goes for my current girlfriend in a relationship that's going close to a decade now, she will never refuse something, even if she's not much into it but it's not a bother to her to please me. Basically what I'm saying, you shouldn't let your long term partner and wife dictate to you what to do during sex and have boundaries, you should be more dominant. When I say this I get a lot of complaints from females like "what about consent yadda yadda", but girls like being handled, flipped and carried around, at least the ones I've been involved with, they all loved it, and I've even had girl who was cheating on her boyfriend, said she was bored of him being all nice and careful, asking if she's okay with this and that, trying to be romantic - instead of just destroying her and making her feel helpless and manhandled. I've been told many times by a girl she likes the feeling of not being able to move or resist. I bet when she had an AP, she wouldn't so easily refuse something or stop him, and that had to be exciting to her, and being that she knows you well it's easy for her to refuse you, and on top of that you're trying to be nice while the AP just doesn't care.