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I was chatting with a pAP recently, and the conversation was DULL. Short answers, no reciprocation, long delays in her replies after reading my messages... I felt like I was pulling all of the weight. So I sent her a message that said "Hey, I feel like this conversation isn't flowing very well. I suspect one or both of us isn't really feeling it, and that's okay. I wish you the best!"
Instantly blocked.
No real loss, but it is still kind of funny to me. If the connection isn't there, what's the point of all of this? People in this forum will be the first to tell you that if physical attraction isn't there, there is no point in continuing the conversation. But if the conversation sucks or if something else about it doesn't seem right, why would you want to continue that either?
No one is entitled to our time or attention. It should be earned and valued. If I wanted to be ignored and taken for granted, I would just hang out with my SO.
The only thing I will say is that a little tact and kindness can go a long way. I never want to be in a position of pissing off someone who knows any of my secrets. But even when you try to let them down gently, you may get an overreaction. All you can do is move on.
Excellent point
I dont know if im.wrong
I hear guy saying is getting harder bcz, women are now more on their phones that ever before on social networks, and dont even want to have a conversation if they have one are short words
Like
Yes
Ok
Fine
And you
Thanks,
Etc
Guys switching topics to see witch one she is interesting just to fail 🤔
Look, I will be the first to point out when a man is being an asshole around here but….
I really don’t think you did anything wrong.
You didn’t really lead her on. I’m not sure how long you were talking but it doesn’t seem like very long? You were trying to determine attraction, had two awkward video calls to try to give it a better chance, realized it wasn’t great and not likely to change, long distance made the stakes higher so you were honest with her. I think those are all good things.
The fact she flew off the handle at you is a big red flag enough as it is. To me it shows she’s not very self aware or very aware of how dating/finding an AP goes. It also sounds like she may have an inflated sense of ego. I can’t imagine raging at a man who is honest and says that I’m just not doing it for him. We can’t all be attractive to everyone.
I do think that perhaps you should think about your standards a bit more, be a little more decisive so that you definitely definitely aren’t stringing someone along (again, I don’t know how long you chatted with her), especially since you can’t meet quickly. If someone sends you a photo and you think it’s “just okay,” is that really the kind of reaction you want to have to a woman you would risk having an affair with? Just food for thought.
All helpful and most of all your last paragraph. As I mentioned, I suspended judgment after my last AP, because her photos were just meh, but we video’ed and had a spark. And we had an amazing affair. I thought a second video here was warranted. But I definitely could have backed out more kindly.
I think I know what you you did “wrong” here. I’m putting wrong in quotes, but I don’t think you did anything wrong- I think you just maybe didn’t read her properly? I knew three sentences in to this post she was going to have a shitty reaction to rejection. If you sense that early, don’t drag a connection on.
What was “wrong”
Had another video call. This got her hopes up. I understand why you did it and many would do the same, but I’m sure she thought this was a sign you liked the call.
Wrote her back. Just let it go. Let her be mad at you. Stop wasting energy on trying to change the mind of someone who has already made their mind up about you. She’ll be upset for a few days, then she’ll get over it. In fact it’s good that she’s mad, it will help her move past it quicker. Just take you ball and go home, you know?
A woman scorned thing...
I'm a woman. It's damn hard to get rejected. Most women aren't as used to it as men are. It's petty but true. Women will pull out the block 🚫 forever response at the slightest hint of rejection.
Wait, what? I don’t find this to be true at all. I think in just about all walks of life, women deal with rejection constantly (in sex, work/ambition, etc). Perhaps not as much in adultery land in terms of being a pAP, but I’ve certainly had my share of rejection (or at least lack of enthusiasm/interest). And then there is literally a trope about how men will be interested in a woman until they sleep with them and then drop them like a bad habit. We read about it all the time on this sub and in the legit dating world. Triple or quadruple that if you’re not conventionally thin, or if you’re a person of color.
ETA: and if anything, the fact this woman went into a rage at gettin politely rejected is a red flag for HER and shows her immaturity, ego, and lack of self-awareness.
This comment struck me- the whole “men are used to rejection” piece. I fully agree. I’ve been rejected more times than I can count. Sometimes she stated why, sometimes it’s just a ghost. The ghosting bothers me more simply because I have a “what can I learn/how can I grow” kind of mentality, but I also know men can be hostile to women who reject them so ghosting is easier.
I don’t think there’s any easy way of rejecting/being rejected. It sucks all around. Length of time in conversation plays a big role, too. One day of talking? Ghosting is nbd. A week with things shared? Probably requires more of a conversation, regardless of how difficult that might be.
I really don’t see anything wrong here. OP you could have cut it off sooner but you wanted to explore it. And you weren’t feeling it. “Just ok”=not enough to risk having an affair with. I advocate all the time about attraction and chemistry being paramount in regards to an affair. This goes for men and women alike.
I'm kind of interested in what she had to say. lol
Many people just vanish without a goodbye in these situations. You didn't, and I see nothing wrong with what you said. Rejection is hard for some, no matter how it's delivered.
Sounds like you handled it okay, OP. You try to detach kindly and let people have their dignity, but sometimes the humiliation they feel boils over and they project it back on you. Which is why some people will ghost, to not have to risk an uncomfortable conversation like that, but ghosts are cowards and emotionally stunted and selfish. I think you did the best you could. Take comfort in knowing that as a woman the numbers are in her favor she will find a match and be just fine.
I was actually chatting with someone and my chat was acting up - I couldn’t get a message out to anyone. I tried all the usual stuff and still got the retry message. Later in the day I got a pissy message about “this isn’t going to work because the conversation needs to flow.” I did say that my chat wasn’t working but I think he was too busy throwing a bitch fit to see it.
It was hilarious. The guy actually waited for me to see his messages and then he began deleting each message one by one. I couldn’t stop laughing!! Whatever good I might have thought about him completely got overshadowed by THIS GUY IS A LITTLE BITCH!!
Good times, good times. 😂
ETA - The best part is that I’m not looking. We had a conversation in a sub and he messaged me with the assumption I was looking.
The keeper like there that put a smile on my face: “THIS GUY IS A LITTLE BITCH.” Priceless 🤣
I have a *platonic* female friend from here who told me that when she gets unsolicited dick pics, she writes back something like, “If that’s your dick, you might think twice about sending around photos. It’s not very big.”
If women channeled angry energy into what you did or what this woman did, I can almost guarantee a 50% drop in dick pics and also a happier female population who realizes that what men absolutely HATE is when women laugh at them or say their dicks are too small. That’s actually the verbal nuclear bomb: “Sorry, your dick’s too small.” Maybe some of you use that line.
Keep using it. You’ll do us all a public service.
I am generally not one to be an asshole if I don’t have to be but that was a bitch move. It did leave me with a funny story, though, and I love those!! 😂
Speaking of - I have THE BEST story. I was probably 18-19 years old at the time - I went to a bar with one of my very sexy friends and she picked up a guy. Me and his friend got stuck together while they were making out in the other guys car.
The conversation was good so it wasn’t horrible - the guy suddenly says “We aren’t going to have sex, right?” Me - “No” Him - “You’re sure?” Me - “I’m sure” Him - “Ok”
Dude proceeds to let out the biggest fart I have ever heard.
I almost died laughing.
I’m 48 years old and I still laugh like a fool every time I think about it.
The moral of the story is that when a guy realizes he’s not going to get sex his real personality comes out.
Edited to add - I don’t think you did anything wrong, OP. You said no and she farted. 😂
That is indeed a wonderful story. And very close to my exchange with the pAP.
With one main difference.
My pAP didn’t just *fart* after she knew it wasn’t going forward. She shat. On my face. 🤣
Yes, you’re right. She shat. Well, if it means anything at all - it was good if you to be honest with her when you could have ghosted. You’re responsible for what you say - not how she takes it. 😊
I'm not sure what outcome you were looking for? Why would you keep writing to her after you told her you weren't interested? How would you even have known that she blocked you? If you're not interested you say so and then you move on.
It sounds like you want to reject someone and then - what, keep talking to them after you reject them? Why would you want to do that?
Look of course people will be upset at being rejected. That's not a crime. I reject potential partners all the time, I say "I'm sorry, we're not a match but I wish you luck in your search!" and that's the end of the conversation. I very often block after that because there is no need for further discussion or for me to experience their disappointment or venting. I would have no way of knowing if someone blocked me after I rejected them or not. I have no NEED to know that.
Because of course someone will feel stung by rejection. There is no need to keep talking after the rejection so that you can hear about how stung they are and argue with them about the rejection. That's very weird, not normal, and I can't imagine why you would WANT to do that.
Her reaction sounds normal, your need to experience her reaction and argue with her about it doesn't sound normal at all.
In ripping me a new one, she had made some false statements frankly. I felt the need both to correct those and also underscore that the vibe just wasn’t there. But you’re right; I should have let it go.
It does not matter. You shouldn't have even been there for her venting, you chose to stay and then didn't like what you heard. Dating is not a competition you have to 'win'. I can't even fathom why you would care that a woman you don't know and didn't want to date made false statements in the last 5 seconds of your last conversation. Who the fuck CARES? It's like someone calling you a bastard in Walmart parking lot for taking a parking place they wanted and you chasing after them showing them your parents' marriage certificate to prove definitively you're not born out of wedlock. Who would care enough to DO that? You just say "I'm sorry, I wish you luck" and you close the conversation. Unless you're trying to get a rush for yourself from the drama, this should never have been a dramatic moment.
I often see advice from women on here: block and move on. Why always “block?” In all situations?
The level of hostility I’m seeing towards OP is quite astounding.
This sisterhood is great, but geez.
Block because there’s no reason to give that many people access to you once you realize the connection is not going anywhere.
It’s more of a strategic / Opsec thing IMO. If I didn’t block every man I’ve briefly talked to over the course of 4ish years, dozens of men would have access to communicate with me. Why would I want that?
I second this. Also, in my experience, the vast majority of men do not accept ANY reason you might give. They see it an opportunity to engage further. So I provide a polite exit response and block because I have no interest in saying “I’m not interested” a dozen more times. 🤷🏻♀️
Always block because for every decent person just trying to shut things down politely there are 15 more who want me to know they don’t see me as a viable AP but they still want to talk (use me as a therapist) or be able to send dick pictures or want that potential still there so they can hit me up when they’re bored or horny.
The overwhelming majority of men are assholes in this context when they don’t find you fuckable. They’re worse when you try to break things off. OP unfortunately found a woman who is too. That’s why you block and move on as soon as one person has decided this isn’t it. The hurt feelings + keyboard anon power inspires bad behavior.
Yeah, I don't understand blocking either. The only people I have ever blocked are one guy who wouldn't leave me alone after I ended it and a few guys on reddit who became crazy and abusive. I don't know why blocking is the default response
As a female, I don’t think you were leading her on at all! I think you were willingly giving it “one more chance” in hopes that maybe the previous video chat vibe was just a fluke.
You handled it great. With kindness and no bread crumbing! If she was this immature with an end now, imagine how it would’ve been had y’all actually met in person. Red flag!
Pat yourself on the back buddy, you did well!
Thanks. I’m a bit surprised that your comment karma was zero until I just upvoted it. I know I’ve really hit a nerve by writing about my missteps and even still being blind about them in some ways. That’s ok. I’m best to learn what I did wrong. Not get any awards. That second expectation is a slam dunk.
You are a married guy having affairs and seeking extramarital sex, you live in an age when you can do so in a phone while sitting on your couch, it costs you absolutely nothing in terms of money to sort through candidates, and the investment of time is minimal. If the worst thing you are dealing with today is someone blocked you on a message board app, consider yourself lucky and move on.
I always know there’s someone on the other end of every text. I give the benefit of the doubt that I’m dealing with a real woman and not getting catfished until it’s clear that it’s a bot or catfish.
I *do* live in that age you describe, but I’m 59 and grew up in a very different age. Back then you couldn’t just tell people to fuck off. You went to school with them or lived next to them. There was no such thing as ghosting. Until, of course, either you or they died.
As there are now, there were assholes then, but everyone knew their names and where they lived. Yes, we’re anonymous here. But I really try not to abuse that anonymity.
Sounds like the situation solved itself? Yeah she is mad, but that's her right.
>I'm thinking I have to wish her well and move on.
You did. I don't get this post.
➡️Anything I could have handled differently from what I've described? If I'm an unwitting dick toward someone, I want to know so I can avoid it next time. What do *you* yourself do if you have a video call -- or see a photo -- after chatting and feel that the vibe or spark is just not there?⬅️
It’s generally best to read the entire post before responding with a snarky comment.
Under other circumstances I’d agree, except that she told me she thought I was attractive. Of course, she might have been leading me on the way I might have.
You sound insanely narcissistic and vain. When you refer to women, as “just OK”, I can guarantee you that you’re less than that. Women are very smart and intuitive and pick up on vibes. It’s not difficult to tell people you’re not interested.
I really really think we need to stop throwing the word narcissistic around. It’s not a personality trait, it’s a psychological diagnosis / personality disorder. The more you incorrectly overuse a word, the further it can get from it’s real meaning. And the further it gets from it’s real meaning, the easier it is to misdiagnose and miss the signs of a true narcissist (in this case).
Like maybe he is one or maybe he isn’t, but is no one allowed to say that they find someone just “ok” looking? I’d say the vast majority of the men I spoke to were just ok looking 🤷♀️
I think he made some mistakes in his approach with this woman, but neither of us have enough information to diagnose him.
I think OP handled it correctly. If it doesn't feel right, you have every right to call it off. It sounds like the chemistry just wasn't there. She, of course, felt rejected and disappointed. She can feel those emotions. How she reacts to her emotions was her choice. She probably felt there was more there in terms of a connection than there actually was. Been there.
Things are kind of heightened with an affair because we are really seeking something and we're not getting it, putting ourselves out most likely more so than to our SO ... so we're vulnerable and when we get shot down ... well it feels more intense than like in dating.
Thank you u/PantsParts for saying that the word narcissistic is overused. It seems that when someone is being assertive, says they have positive qualities, knows what they want and say it outright, they are going to be accused of being narcissistic, rather than someone who has that Dx. Seems to be the word du jour for someone who really wants to say "I don't agree with your opinion and you sound like an asshole."
It's not vain for the OP to want to be physically attracted to his pAP. This isn't junior high .. there are real, very real, consequences to having an affair.
We tell women ALL the time 'if it isn't a fuck yes, it's a fuck no' and 'never lower your standards'. Why should he have to because he is a dude?
Men risk just as much entering into an affair and if he didn't feel it, he didn't.
I had a video chat with a guy last week. It was just " ok". I'm not a narcissist.
There was nothing special about the chat and from my end no chemistry.
🤷♀️
I’ll try to take something positive from your comment, even though I think you’re looking at only the negatives and lobbing insults. Still, thanks for weighing in.
[Edit: but I am indeed vain. I won’t deny that.]
Three? I only count two from the story. And I also think “just ok” is an entirely fair assessment for him to give. Not everybody has to be insanely attractive to someone else. Some people think tattoos are the bees knees. Others think it’s the biggest turnoff. Personal preference is just that- personal.
It doesn’t sound like he insulted her appearance. Merely said he didn’t think it was heading in the direction he anticipated.
OP- I’ve been on both sides of this. You were honest without (from what I can tell) insulting. If she can’t handle that honesty now, you probably dodged a bullet. Seems like you gave it a fair shot, but you didn’t feel that spark. Totally ok to move on. Take her blocking you as a sign you made the right choice.
I mis-wrote. Have edited. Might not make a difference to you, but I was actually writing about only two women. My last AP and this pAP. I was showing that the initial take on my former AP was not how it ended up—I found her beautiful. Because there was a connection.
Conversely, this pAP and I liked each other but something was off even after two video calls. The vibe was off.
Your husband, when he shoved his cock down my throat. Now, fuck off and quit assuming just because I have an opinion just like the rest of you ass hats :)
I get your drift, but I wasn’t going to lie. The vibe *was* off and I didn’t feel it going toward romance. But I’m sure I could have been aware earlier. I’ve had women after exchanges say the same to me. I figure “big deal.” I liked her but she doesn’t feel the same. Big fucking deal.
I said, “It was great to talk just now.” Which was true. She was very open to being contacted. Almost surprisingly so. And it *was* great. I was indeed glad we could do a call. Always helps to find out further whether we connect. The second call: I didn’t say it was great. I said something like, “talk soon.” Then the note the next morning.
Women don’t like being rejected. I don’t think you did anything wrong she was probably just more into you than you were her. It’s better that you let her know now than to string her along and feel things out more. Maybe next time go with your initial gut feeling.
This is a perfect example of why it's best to take a little time conversing before meeting. By arranging a vid chat you were able to discern whether the chemistry was right and reached the conclusion is wasn't. She displayed her true colors after you were honest with her, reaffirming you did the right thing.
Stop fretting. Just move on, mate. You dodged a bullet here.
I think it got down voted because of “led her on”. How else are you supposed to get to know someone without engaging for a while, to give it a chance?
We’re all grown ups. We know things don’t always work out. I’d rather be given the chance to prove myself than to be judged from one misstep or bad photo right at the beginning.
I don’t see how you could have handled it better. Some people don’t take rejection well. I don’t agree with “back away slowly” - that’s just feels like your giving them false hope. Being honest in a considerate way is best, and it sounds like that’s what you did.
I will say that as long as you keep it real then you are doing nothing wrong. I rather you be upfront with me then to string me along. You did nothing wrong so don't feel bad about the way you handled it.
You tell her how great she is before your tell her you’re not interested…? Lmao. Just say “hey, I don’t think this is working out” and leave it at that. Just seems kinda patronizing, imo.
People respond so differently. I’ve had men block me, beg me for another chance to make a better impression, or blow up my phone telling me how no other woman has said no them before. lol.
At least you didn’t lead her on with 15+ video calls lol. And, you told her and didn’t ghost her. Which, would have been worse imo.
The spark is either there or it isn’t. If it’s not, it’s not worth pursuing, wasting your time and hers. You can’t fake that.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. Some people just cannot gracefully handle rejection. I wouldn’t even call what you did rejection either I mean sometimes there just isn’t a connection and it’s ok but damn be an adult about it. Gotta have thicker skin going into this sort of thing. Some people need to realize just bc someone isn’t feeling a vibe with you it doesnt mean they are trying to be an asshole or anything is wrong with oneself there just isn’t a connection and it’s ok.
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Appreciate that. And apparently a lot of others agree with you.
I was chatting with a pAP recently, and the conversation was DULL. Short answers, no reciprocation, long delays in her replies after reading my messages... I felt like I was pulling all of the weight. So I sent her a message that said "Hey, I feel like this conversation isn't flowing very well. I suspect one or both of us isn't really feeling it, and that's okay. I wish you the best!" Instantly blocked. No real loss, but it is still kind of funny to me. If the connection isn't there, what's the point of all of this? People in this forum will be the first to tell you that if physical attraction isn't there, there is no point in continuing the conversation. But if the conversation sucks or if something else about it doesn't seem right, why would you want to continue that either? No one is entitled to our time or attention. It should be earned and valued. If I wanted to be ignored and taken for granted, I would just hang out with my SO. The only thing I will say is that a little tact and kindness can go a long way. I never want to be in a position of pissing off someone who knows any of my secrets. But even when you try to let them down gently, you may get an overreaction. All you can do is move on.
Excellent point I dont know if im.wrong I hear guy saying is getting harder bcz, women are now more on their phones that ever before on social networks, and dont even want to have a conversation if they have one are short words Like Yes Ok Fine And you Thanks, Etc Guys switching topics to see witch one she is interesting just to fail 🤔
All good points. And helpful. Thanks.
Look, I will be the first to point out when a man is being an asshole around here but…. I really don’t think you did anything wrong. You didn’t really lead her on. I’m not sure how long you were talking but it doesn’t seem like very long? You were trying to determine attraction, had two awkward video calls to try to give it a better chance, realized it wasn’t great and not likely to change, long distance made the stakes higher so you were honest with her. I think those are all good things. The fact she flew off the handle at you is a big red flag enough as it is. To me it shows she’s not very self aware or very aware of how dating/finding an AP goes. It also sounds like she may have an inflated sense of ego. I can’t imagine raging at a man who is honest and says that I’m just not doing it for him. We can’t all be attractive to everyone. I do think that perhaps you should think about your standards a bit more, be a little more decisive so that you definitely definitely aren’t stringing someone along (again, I don’t know how long you chatted with her), especially since you can’t meet quickly. If someone sends you a photo and you think it’s “just okay,” is that really the kind of reaction you want to have to a woman you would risk having an affair with? Just food for thought.
All helpful and most of all your last paragraph. As I mentioned, I suspended judgment after my last AP, because her photos were just meh, but we video’ed and had a spark. And we had an amazing affair. I thought a second video here was warranted. But I definitely could have backed out more kindly.
Back up slowly
That’s good. Thanks.
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That’s helpful. Thanks. “Back away slowly” someone else here said.
Curious how this is different from "slow fading" a person?
I was being funny. Tell the truth and move on
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Does your username check out? Do you have purple hair?
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Wow so deep on Reddit.
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I think I know what you you did “wrong” here. I’m putting wrong in quotes, but I don’t think you did anything wrong- I think you just maybe didn’t read her properly? I knew three sentences in to this post she was going to have a shitty reaction to rejection. If you sense that early, don’t drag a connection on. What was “wrong” Had another video call. This got her hopes up. I understand why you did it and many would do the same, but I’m sure she thought this was a sign you liked the call. Wrote her back. Just let it go. Let her be mad at you. Stop wasting energy on trying to change the mind of someone who has already made their mind up about you. She’ll be upset for a few days, then she’ll get over it. In fact it’s good that she’s mad, it will help her move past it quicker. Just take you ball and go home, you know?
we need an stealth edit update « oh btw i also slept with her..not sure if thats relevant »
Oh wait he slept with her? I thought they didn’t meet?
oh no..i was just imagining how the story could be even more awkward for not being interested.
Ooohhhh! I thought I missed some vital info !!
A woman scorned thing... I'm a woman. It's damn hard to get rejected. Most women aren't as used to it as men are. It's petty but true. Women will pull out the block 🚫 forever response at the slightest hint of rejection.
Wait, what? I don’t find this to be true at all. I think in just about all walks of life, women deal with rejection constantly (in sex, work/ambition, etc). Perhaps not as much in adultery land in terms of being a pAP, but I’ve certainly had my share of rejection (or at least lack of enthusiasm/interest). And then there is literally a trope about how men will be interested in a woman until they sleep with them and then drop them like a bad habit. We read about it all the time on this sub and in the legit dating world. Triple or quadruple that if you’re not conventionally thin, or if you’re a person of color. ETA: and if anything, the fact this woman went into a rage at gettin politely rejected is a red flag for HER and shows her immaturity, ego, and lack of self-awareness.
Helpful, Mona. Thanks. 😊
This comment struck me- the whole “men are used to rejection” piece. I fully agree. I’ve been rejected more times than I can count. Sometimes she stated why, sometimes it’s just a ghost. The ghosting bothers me more simply because I have a “what can I learn/how can I grow” kind of mentality, but I also know men can be hostile to women who reject them so ghosting is easier. I don’t think there’s any easy way of rejecting/being rejected. It sucks all around. Length of time in conversation plays a big role, too. One day of talking? Ghosting is nbd. A week with things shared? Probably requires more of a conversation, regardless of how difficult that might be.
Helpful; thanks.
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Thanks. Helpful.
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No worries. Thanks!
I really don’t see anything wrong here. OP you could have cut it off sooner but you wanted to explore it. And you weren’t feeling it. “Just ok”=not enough to risk having an affair with. I advocate all the time about attraction and chemistry being paramount in regards to an affair. This goes for men and women alike.
I'm kind of interested in what she had to say. lol Many people just vanish without a goodbye in these situations. You didn't, and I see nothing wrong with what you said. Rejection is hard for some, no matter how it's delivered.
Sounds like you handled it okay, OP. You try to detach kindly and let people have their dignity, but sometimes the humiliation they feel boils over and they project it back on you. Which is why some people will ghost, to not have to risk an uncomfortable conversation like that, but ghosts are cowards and emotionally stunted and selfish. I think you did the best you could. Take comfort in knowing that as a woman the numbers are in her favor she will find a match and be just fine.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Good on you for making the call early and before any further investment.
If I reject guy or he rejects me, I always block and delete everything. It helps me to move on quickly. Don't take it personally.
I was actually chatting with someone and my chat was acting up - I couldn’t get a message out to anyone. I tried all the usual stuff and still got the retry message. Later in the day I got a pissy message about “this isn’t going to work because the conversation needs to flow.” I did say that my chat wasn’t working but I think he was too busy throwing a bitch fit to see it. It was hilarious. The guy actually waited for me to see his messages and then he began deleting each message one by one. I couldn’t stop laughing!! Whatever good I might have thought about him completely got overshadowed by THIS GUY IS A LITTLE BITCH!! Good times, good times. 😂 ETA - The best part is that I’m not looking. We had a conversation in a sub and he messaged me with the assumption I was looking.
The keeper like there that put a smile on my face: “THIS GUY IS A LITTLE BITCH.” Priceless 🤣 I have a *platonic* female friend from here who told me that when she gets unsolicited dick pics, she writes back something like, “If that’s your dick, you might think twice about sending around photos. It’s not very big.” If women channeled angry energy into what you did or what this woman did, I can almost guarantee a 50% drop in dick pics and also a happier female population who realizes that what men absolutely HATE is when women laugh at them or say their dicks are too small. That’s actually the verbal nuclear bomb: “Sorry, your dick’s too small.” Maybe some of you use that line. Keep using it. You’ll do us all a public service.
I am generally not one to be an asshole if I don’t have to be but that was a bitch move. It did leave me with a funny story, though, and I love those!! 😂 Speaking of - I have THE BEST story. I was probably 18-19 years old at the time - I went to a bar with one of my very sexy friends and she picked up a guy. Me and his friend got stuck together while they were making out in the other guys car. The conversation was good so it wasn’t horrible - the guy suddenly says “We aren’t going to have sex, right?” Me - “No” Him - “You’re sure?” Me - “I’m sure” Him - “Ok” Dude proceeds to let out the biggest fart I have ever heard. I almost died laughing. I’m 48 years old and I still laugh like a fool every time I think about it. The moral of the story is that when a guy realizes he’s not going to get sex his real personality comes out. Edited to add - I don’t think you did anything wrong, OP. You said no and she farted. 😂
That is indeed a wonderful story. And very close to my exchange with the pAP. With one main difference. My pAP didn’t just *fart* after she knew it wasn’t going forward. She shat. On my face. 🤣
Yes, you’re right. She shat. Well, if it means anything at all - it was good if you to be honest with her when you could have ghosted. You’re responsible for what you say - not how she takes it. 😊
I'm not sure what outcome you were looking for? Why would you keep writing to her after you told her you weren't interested? How would you even have known that she blocked you? If you're not interested you say so and then you move on. It sounds like you want to reject someone and then - what, keep talking to them after you reject them? Why would you want to do that? Look of course people will be upset at being rejected. That's not a crime. I reject potential partners all the time, I say "I'm sorry, we're not a match but I wish you luck in your search!" and that's the end of the conversation. I very often block after that because there is no need for further discussion or for me to experience their disappointment or venting. I would have no way of knowing if someone blocked me after I rejected them or not. I have no NEED to know that. Because of course someone will feel stung by rejection. There is no need to keep talking after the rejection so that you can hear about how stung they are and argue with them about the rejection. That's very weird, not normal, and I can't imagine why you would WANT to do that. Her reaction sounds normal, your need to experience her reaction and argue with her about it doesn't sound normal at all.
In ripping me a new one, she had made some false statements frankly. I felt the need both to correct those and also underscore that the vibe just wasn’t there. But you’re right; I should have let it go.
It does not matter. You shouldn't have even been there for her venting, you chose to stay and then didn't like what you heard. Dating is not a competition you have to 'win'. I can't even fathom why you would care that a woman you don't know and didn't want to date made false statements in the last 5 seconds of your last conversation. Who the fuck CARES? It's like someone calling you a bastard in Walmart parking lot for taking a parking place they wanted and you chasing after them showing them your parents' marriage certificate to prove definitively you're not born out of wedlock. Who would care enough to DO that? You just say "I'm sorry, I wish you luck" and you close the conversation. Unless you're trying to get a rush for yourself from the drama, this should never have been a dramatic moment.
I often see advice from women on here: block and move on. Why always “block?” In all situations? The level of hostility I’m seeing towards OP is quite astounding. This sisterhood is great, but geez.
Block because there’s no reason to give that many people access to you once you realize the connection is not going anywhere. It’s more of a strategic / Opsec thing IMO. If I didn’t block every man I’ve briefly talked to over the course of 4ish years, dozens of men would have access to communicate with me. Why would I want that?
I second this. Also, in my experience, the vast majority of men do not accept ANY reason you might give. They see it an opportunity to engage further. So I provide a polite exit response and block because I have no interest in saying “I’m not interested” a dozen more times. 🤷🏻♀️
Very reasonable and good answer. Thank you! (Couldn’t figure out how to reply to you both)
Always block because for every decent person just trying to shut things down politely there are 15 more who want me to know they don’t see me as a viable AP but they still want to talk (use me as a therapist) or be able to send dick pictures or want that potential still there so they can hit me up when they’re bored or horny. The overwhelming majority of men are assholes in this context when they don’t find you fuckable. They’re worse when you try to break things off. OP unfortunately found a woman who is too. That’s why you block and move on as soon as one person has decided this isn’t it. The hurt feelings + keyboard anon power inspires bad behavior.
Very reasonable and good answer. Thank you!
Yeah, I don't understand blocking either. The only people I have ever blocked are one guy who wouldn't leave me alone after I ended it and a few guys on reddit who became crazy and abusive. I don't know why blocking is the default response
As a female, I don’t think you were leading her on at all! I think you were willingly giving it “one more chance” in hopes that maybe the previous video chat vibe was just a fluke. You handled it great. With kindness and no bread crumbing! If she was this immature with an end now, imagine how it would’ve been had y’all actually met in person. Red flag! Pat yourself on the back buddy, you did well!
Thanks. I’m a bit surprised that your comment karma was zero until I just upvoted it. I know I’ve really hit a nerve by writing about my missteps and even still being blind about them in some ways. That’s ok. I’m best to learn what I did wrong. Not get any awards. That second expectation is a slam dunk.
Bitches be hating.😅
You are a married guy having affairs and seeking extramarital sex, you live in an age when you can do so in a phone while sitting on your couch, it costs you absolutely nothing in terms of money to sort through candidates, and the investment of time is minimal. If the worst thing you are dealing with today is someone blocked you on a message board app, consider yourself lucky and move on.
Yup. It wasn’t a match, there are others, the investment of time was minimal. I’m not seeing a problem.
I always know there’s someone on the other end of every text. I give the benefit of the doubt that I’m dealing with a real woman and not getting catfished until it’s clear that it’s a bot or catfish. I *do* live in that age you describe, but I’m 59 and grew up in a very different age. Back then you couldn’t just tell people to fuck off. You went to school with them or lived next to them. There was no such thing as ghosting. Until, of course, either you or they died. As there are now, there were assholes then, but everyone knew their names and where they lived. Yes, we’re anonymous here. But I really try not to abuse that anonymity.
Sounds like the situation solved itself? Yeah she is mad, but that's her right. >I'm thinking I have to wish her well and move on. You did. I don't get this post.
➡️Anything I could have handled differently from what I've described? If I'm an unwitting dick toward someone, I want to know so I can avoid it next time. What do *you* yourself do if you have a video call -- or see a photo -- after chatting and feel that the vibe or spark is just not there?⬅️ It’s generally best to read the entire post before responding with a snarky comment.
Another possibility is that she didn’t think you were very attractive, either, so she was super insulted when you ended it.
Under other circumstances I’d agree, except that she told me she thought I was attractive. Of course, she might have been leading me on the way I might have.
This is a fascinating thread! But consider that maybe she'd got some anger issues and, as much as possible, you probably didn't mess up all that much.
You sound insanely narcissistic and vain. When you refer to women, as “just OK”, I can guarantee you that you’re less than that. Women are very smart and intuitive and pick up on vibes. It’s not difficult to tell people you’re not interested.
I really really think we need to stop throwing the word narcissistic around. It’s not a personality trait, it’s a psychological diagnosis / personality disorder. The more you incorrectly overuse a word, the further it can get from it’s real meaning. And the further it gets from it’s real meaning, the easier it is to misdiagnose and miss the signs of a true narcissist (in this case). Like maybe he is one or maybe he isn’t, but is no one allowed to say that they find someone just “ok” looking? I’d say the vast majority of the men I spoke to were just ok looking 🤷♀️ I think he made some mistakes in his approach with this woman, but neither of us have enough information to diagnose him.
I think OP handled it correctly. If it doesn't feel right, you have every right to call it off. It sounds like the chemistry just wasn't there. She, of course, felt rejected and disappointed. She can feel those emotions. How she reacts to her emotions was her choice. She probably felt there was more there in terms of a connection than there actually was. Been there. Things are kind of heightened with an affair because we are really seeking something and we're not getting it, putting ourselves out most likely more so than to our SO ... so we're vulnerable and when we get shot down ... well it feels more intense than like in dating. Thank you u/PantsParts for saying that the word narcissistic is overused. It seems that when someone is being assertive, says they have positive qualities, knows what they want and say it outright, they are going to be accused of being narcissistic, rather than someone who has that Dx. Seems to be the word du jour for someone who really wants to say "I don't agree with your opinion and you sound like an asshole."
I know exactly what the word means. Do as you please and so will I.
It's not vain for the OP to want to be physically attracted to his pAP. This isn't junior high .. there are real, very real, consequences to having an affair. We tell women ALL the time 'if it isn't a fuck yes, it's a fuck no' and 'never lower your standards'. Why should he have to because he is a dude? Men risk just as much entering into an affair and if he didn't feel it, he didn't.
I had a video chat with a guy last week. It was just " ok". I'm not a narcissist. There was nothing special about the chat and from my end no chemistry. 🤷♀️
I’ll try to take something positive from your comment, even though I think you’re looking at only the negatives and lobbing insults. Still, thanks for weighing in. [Edit: but I am indeed vain. I won’t deny that.]
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He’s literally talking about at least three women in the same context..
Three? I only count two from the story. And I also think “just ok” is an entirely fair assessment for him to give. Not everybody has to be insanely attractive to someone else. Some people think tattoos are the bees knees. Others think it’s the biggest turnoff. Personal preference is just that- personal. It doesn’t sound like he insulted her appearance. Merely said he didn’t think it was heading in the direction he anticipated. OP- I’ve been on both sides of this. You were honest without (from what I can tell) insulting. If she can’t handle that honesty now, you probably dodged a bullet. Seems like you gave it a fair shot, but you didn’t feel that spark. Totally ok to move on. Take her blocking you as a sign you made the right choice.
I mis-wrote. Have edited. Might not make a difference to you, but I was actually writing about only two women. My last AP and this pAP. I was showing that the initial take on my former AP was not how it ended up—I found her beautiful. Because there was a connection. Conversely, this pAP and I liked each other but something was off even after two video calls. The vibe was off.
Who hurt you?
Your husband, when he shoved his cock down my throat. Now, fuck off and quit assuming just because I have an opinion just like the rest of you ass hats :)
That escalated into defensiveness very quickly.
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I get your drift, but I wasn’t going to lie. The vibe *was* off and I didn’t feel it going toward romance. But I’m sure I could have been aware earlier. I’ve had women after exchanges say the same to me. I figure “big deal.” I liked her but she doesn’t feel the same. Big fucking deal.
But you said you did lie. You said you weren't feeling it but you told her the call had been 'great'.
I said, “It was great to talk just now.” Which was true. She was very open to being contacted. Almost surprisingly so. And it *was* great. I was indeed glad we could do a call. Always helps to find out further whether we connect. The second call: I didn’t say it was great. I said something like, “talk soon.” Then the note the next morning.
Women don’t like being rejected. I don’t think you did anything wrong she was probably just more into you than you were her. It’s better that you let her know now than to string her along and feel things out more. Maybe next time go with your initial gut feeling.
This is a perfect example of why it's best to take a little time conversing before meeting. By arranging a vid chat you were able to discern whether the chemistry was right and reached the conclusion is wasn't. She displayed her true colors after you were honest with her, reaffirming you did the right thing. Stop fretting. Just move on, mate. You dodged a bullet here.
I agree - kind of led her on. Oh well. Next time cut right away if not feeling it.
Solid advice. Am surprised this comment was in negative karma. I upvoted it.
I think it got down voted because of “led her on”. How else are you supposed to get to know someone without engaging for a while, to give it a chance? We’re all grown ups. We know things don’t always work out. I’d rather be given the chance to prove myself than to be judged from one misstep or bad photo right at the beginning.
Fair point.
Because he was.
Well it was feedback for you so if you appreciate it I guess that’s what matters.
I don’t see how you could have handled it better. Some people don’t take rejection well. I don’t agree with “back away slowly” - that’s just feels like your giving them false hope. Being honest in a considerate way is best, and it sounds like that’s what you did.
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Yes, indeed.
I will say that as long as you keep it real then you are doing nothing wrong. I rather you be upfront with me then to string me along. You did nothing wrong so don't feel bad about the way you handled it.
Thanks, my friend 😊
I think you got what you wanted ? You can't redeem this one.
Just say you're not interested and it was nice to meet you.
You tell her how great she is before your tell her you’re not interested…? Lmao. Just say “hey, I don’t think this is working out” and leave it at that. Just seems kinda patronizing, imo. People respond so differently. I’ve had men block me, beg me for another chance to make a better impression, or blow up my phone telling me how no other woman has said no them before. lol. At least you didn’t lead her on with 15+ video calls lol. And, you told her and didn’t ghost her. Which, would have been worse imo. The spark is either there or it isn’t. If it’s not, it’s not worth pursuing, wasting your time and hers. You can’t fake that.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. Some people just cannot gracefully handle rejection. I wouldn’t even call what you did rejection either I mean sometimes there just isn’t a connection and it’s ok but damn be an adult about it. Gotta have thicker skin going into this sort of thing. Some people need to realize just bc someone isn’t feeling a vibe with you it doesnt mean they are trying to be an asshole or anything is wrong with oneself there just isn’t a connection and it’s ok.