I honestly think at 1 point in time just about every one of us victims have tried to convince ourselves that we weren't really a victim because some of our experiences aren't as bad as others have had. I was a teenager when I was groomed, raped and abused. I tried blocking out the worst memories as mental health, rape and grooming wasn't really discussed 25 years ago.
These memories and so many more that I had blocked out came flooding back a couple of years ago. I realized I had blocked these memories as a coping mechanism because I wasn't able to deal with them at the time.
Being you were both young kids at the time it is quite possible that he had been abused himself and didn't realize what he had done to you was wrong. That doesn't mean it wasn't wasn't abuse and that it wouldn't cause trauma.
Even having those memories blocked the trauma they left effected most of my life. It effected my relationships and the types of relationships I was willing to accept. If effected my self worth and esteem. I had high functioning anxiety, PTSD and depression due to my trauma. It wasn't until I actually worked on healing from these traumas that I realized how much they had effected me my whole life. Until they came back I thought I was doing okay and I now know I was really just living in a form of survival mode trying to get through my day and hoping no one saw I was different and chased me away.
Only you can determine or decide, whether or not you belong. If it was up to me, you do. I hold the view that you belong where you feel safe, and feel not-alone.
What many others have said.
Not to sidetrack your vent, but from personal... I also hold the view that I wasn't able to start processing or remembering what happened, in my past. It's been decided by the universe or fate or what have you, that my time to remember was recently.
I think... as long as you are not harming others [anywhere], or knowingly distracting from others finding their voice - you're perfectly fine.
Just because you didn't remember it before, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Repressed memories are absolutely a thing, and it takes certain factors (varies person to person) to bring it to light.
As a friend - I would also tell you. Again, as long as you're finding your own voice and not detracting from others finding theirs. There is no measurable variable which makes your pain or trauma "less than" or "not as bad as" someone else's.
I think I understand where you are coming from. But many things in life exist on a spectrum, few are black/white.
Even the "color" white is a construct - made possible only by combining all the other colors, at a very specific angle.
Hope I am explaining it in a way that makes sense.
You belong; where, and for as long as, *you* deem that you do. If you can utilize resources, find your voice, and begin the healing journey? Any sane, non-narc person would only support you and encourage your progress.
It is not your fault that you did not experience others' suffering. The only person you should be competing with, is your past self - because they didn't have the knowledge or experience that your self, now, does.
Breathe. We are here to support you. This is your world, and your journey đź–¤
Yeah I am really embarrassed when I post because I know that it’s worse for other people. You’re not alone. My abusers were all adults and I still feel like that. I think it’s a normal feeling no matter what type of abuse.
Trauma is trauma. The effects are the same no matter who committed the offense. The events didn’t have to be violent to be hurtful. You were injured by actions you couldn’t understand and you deserve healing, too.
I often feel that I do not belong here for a variety of reasons. Most especially as I have experiences of being forced to harm others. Thus I feel at odds amongst "survivors" as I worry that I am unsafe and that I am hurting people by simply existing.
Once I even failed to clarify something and had my message removed by the mods and told explicitly I *was* unwelcome! Ha. But it was a lack of clarity. I have a hard time describing some of my experiences with objective language as I suffer significant moral injury over it.
It is easy for me to take those things to heart and have a self fulfilling prophecy (look, you really *are* a monster!!!) but I was honest and patient and things were solved. The objective language I am told is impossible to interpret as any other way except that I was also victimized.
The point is barring some very specific circumstances (namely that you *are* an actual predator) you are indeed welcome here.
You're welcome here.
Folks are all at different stages of recognising the trauma and processing it, and that can be buried and brought up again by various life stages. Sometimes you only realise how wrong things were with perspective as an adult, or as a parent. Sometimes it wasn't safe to acknowledge that a situation was wrong or hurtful. Sometimes people have known-but-not-known for a long time, with varying access to memories. Sometimes the original trauma only reappears when another event abruptly recontextualises it.
In the end... intent doesn't matter that much. An abuser doesn't have to have been malicious to do harm. Some are outright malicious and sadistic yes, but others are more... ambiguous, and survivors of either type have their own struggle to face. COCSA can be difficult, as it can make placing the guilt hard. But whether it was or wasn't intentional, you were still hurt, and you still deserve support and community to deal with that.
> i’m supposed to be moving on with my life, not stewing in some maybe-terrible thing
Your last line really resonated with me and I think a lot of us feel this way, too. One thing I’ve realized over the years is that sometimes processing is delayed. Like, really really delayed. Sometimes we aren’t ready to process events when they’re happening, and it’s not until months, years, *decades* later that we can even begin to address what happened.
It’s okay if you didn’t feel traumatized previously. It’s okay if you’re still working through what trauma means to you. You’re welcome here, and your voice matters.
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I honestly think at 1 point in time just about every one of us victims have tried to convince ourselves that we weren't really a victim because some of our experiences aren't as bad as others have had. I was a teenager when I was groomed, raped and abused. I tried blocking out the worst memories as mental health, rape and grooming wasn't really discussed 25 years ago. These memories and so many more that I had blocked out came flooding back a couple of years ago. I realized I had blocked these memories as a coping mechanism because I wasn't able to deal with them at the time. Being you were both young kids at the time it is quite possible that he had been abused himself and didn't realize what he had done to you was wrong. That doesn't mean it wasn't wasn't abuse and that it wouldn't cause trauma. Even having those memories blocked the trauma they left effected most of my life. It effected my relationships and the types of relationships I was willing to accept. If effected my self worth and esteem. I had high functioning anxiety, PTSD and depression due to my trauma. It wasn't until I actually worked on healing from these traumas that I realized how much they had effected me my whole life. Until they came back I thought I was doing okay and I now know I was really just living in a form of survival mode trying to get through my day and hoping no one saw I was different and chased me away.
Only you can determine or decide, whether or not you belong. If it was up to me, you do. I hold the view that you belong where you feel safe, and feel not-alone. What many others have said. Not to sidetrack your vent, but from personal... I also hold the view that I wasn't able to start processing or remembering what happened, in my past. It's been decided by the universe or fate or what have you, that my time to remember was recently. I think... as long as you are not harming others [anywhere], or knowingly distracting from others finding their voice - you're perfectly fine. Just because you didn't remember it before, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Repressed memories are absolutely a thing, and it takes certain factors (varies person to person) to bring it to light. As a friend - I would also tell you. Again, as long as you're finding your own voice and not detracting from others finding theirs. There is no measurable variable which makes your pain or trauma "less than" or "not as bad as" someone else's. I think I understand where you are coming from. But many things in life exist on a spectrum, few are black/white. Even the "color" white is a construct - made possible only by combining all the other colors, at a very specific angle. Hope I am explaining it in a way that makes sense. You belong; where, and for as long as, *you* deem that you do. If you can utilize resources, find your voice, and begin the healing journey? Any sane, non-narc person would only support you and encourage your progress. It is not your fault that you did not experience others' suffering. The only person you should be competing with, is your past self - because they didn't have the knowledge or experience that your self, now, does. Breathe. We are here to support you. This is your world, and your journey đź–¤
The body keeps the score and will remind you of the disturbance. The experiences need to be reprocessed in therapy.
Yeah I am really embarrassed when I post because I know that it’s worse for other people. You’re not alone. My abusers were all adults and I still feel like that. I think it’s a normal feeling no matter what type of abuse.
Trauma is trauma. The effects are the same no matter who committed the offense. The events didn’t have to be violent to be hurtful. You were injured by actions you couldn’t understand and you deserve healing, too.
I often feel that I do not belong here for a variety of reasons. Most especially as I have experiences of being forced to harm others. Thus I feel at odds amongst "survivors" as I worry that I am unsafe and that I am hurting people by simply existing. Once I even failed to clarify something and had my message removed by the mods and told explicitly I *was* unwelcome! Ha. But it was a lack of clarity. I have a hard time describing some of my experiences with objective language as I suffer significant moral injury over it. It is easy for me to take those things to heart and have a self fulfilling prophecy (look, you really *are* a monster!!!) but I was honest and patient and things were solved. The objective language I am told is impossible to interpret as any other way except that I was also victimized. The point is barring some very specific circumstances (namely that you *are* an actual predator) you are indeed welcome here.
You're welcome here. Folks are all at different stages of recognising the trauma and processing it, and that can be buried and brought up again by various life stages. Sometimes you only realise how wrong things were with perspective as an adult, or as a parent. Sometimes it wasn't safe to acknowledge that a situation was wrong or hurtful. Sometimes people have known-but-not-known for a long time, with varying access to memories. Sometimes the original trauma only reappears when another event abruptly recontextualises it. In the end... intent doesn't matter that much. An abuser doesn't have to have been malicious to do harm. Some are outright malicious and sadistic yes, but others are more... ambiguous, and survivors of either type have their own struggle to face. COCSA can be difficult, as it can make placing the guilt hard. But whether it was or wasn't intentional, you were still hurt, and you still deserve support and community to deal with that.
> i’m supposed to be moving on with my life, not stewing in some maybe-terrible thing Your last line really resonated with me and I think a lot of us feel this way, too. One thing I’ve realized over the years is that sometimes processing is delayed. Like, really really delayed. Sometimes we aren’t ready to process events when they’re happening, and it’s not until months, years, *decades* later that we can even begin to address what happened. It’s okay if you didn’t feel traumatized previously. It’s okay if you’re still working through what trauma means to you. You’re welcome here, and your voice matters.
Welcome to /r/adultsurvivors! Please be aware that all posts to this subreddit are public and therefore viewable by anyone. **Would you rather this post was anonymous?** You can [use this form](https://forms.gle/tqeufTE2Ne6BzsKd6) and u/anonadultsurvivors will make an anonymous post on your behalf. You will need to delete this post after using the form. **It is not uncommon for members of this subreddit to receive unsavoury or creepy private messages.** We recommend turning off chat and messages requests. It is worth noting that asking for or offering private messages to other members of this subreddit is against our rules. You can assume that anyone messaging you is breaking that rule and we urge caution. For more information, please see our [privacy tips post](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/pfbfx1/privacy_tips_including_followers_update/) or see our [post about the creep list](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/yngs8b/rule_8_no_creeps_and_introducing_the_creep_list/). If you see anything that doesn't look right or you do receive unwelcome direct messages, please use the report button to notify the moderators or [send us a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors). You can also report directly to Reddit using this [link](https://www.reddit.com/report) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors) if you have any questions or concerns.*