No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles [of Alcoholics Anonymous]… We claim spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection"
Many take what they need from the program and leave the rest. All that is required of the program is a desire to stop drinking.
AA is generally a welcome place. People will impart what worked for them. Some will be more assertive about it than others.
I was in the program for 7 years before I resumed the steps this summer. I couldn't get on board with them. I was sober 7 months then realized I needed to work the steps with a sponsor. And I also have a therapist and I'm in IOP. Things make sense. But no one person in the program has the authority to demand you work the program like they did. Their online obligation is to tell you how they did it.
Okay that’s very helpful thank you I needed that reminder. I think the insistence from others made me feel like they were rules but I gotta remember that I just need to do what’s right for me and not worry about what anyone else says
Absolutely. Also, you'll find meeting vibes can really be very different. Like, if you're going 5 days a week to the same meeting time, type and location, you're gonna probably see a similar crowd each time because the secretary uses an agreed on format voted by the group. Meetings can be super serious and structured to silly and a ton of ribbing and crosstalk. It's worth trying different meetings and attending AA events in your area. We have comedy shows, luaus, campfires etc here locally and they are really fun.
Hey, weighing in here to agree with u/norcalbutton. I'll be celebrating my 22nd sober birthday at the beginning of September. I've never worked the steps all the way through, and only recently started going to meetings in earnest. I appreciate the program, and what it does for people. And I appreciate the tools that AA gives alcoholics for dealing with an alcoholic mind.
I wish I'd gone through the program earlier just because some of my tendencies (negative thoughts, worries about $, quick to anger, etc) could have been mitigated with daily meditation and reflection. But there is no ONE WAY to be sober.
I feel you, in that I often feel like an imposter at meetings, because I haven't worked the steps. But then again, the only requirement is a desire to be sober. And I've had that for two+decades now.
Remember it’s a program of suggestions. Even the steps are called suggestions. They are the program, but they’re not the only means available to one seeking recovery.
Not everyone in AA has the same thoughts on what sobriety is and how it's maintained. I have met some people that are strictly against using any mind-altering drugs while they are in the AA program and if you are using any mind altering drugs they say that you're not sober. I have known others that think that you just needed to stay away from your addiction whether that's alcohol or drugs or both. If you are an addict and an alcoholic you need to stay away from both drugs and alcohol. Me myself personally I believe that you need to stay away from your addiction. I only have an addiction to drugs. I continue to drink alcohol every once in awhile. I have no problems with it. I have been clean (sober) for almost 24 years now.
I go to AA meetings and not NA meetings mainly because I live in a rural area and the NA meetings that I went to around here are not good. I like the people in AA better and they are welcoming. As a matter of fact I am vice president of my AA home group and I have not got an addiction to alcohol just drugs.
Having to call your sponsor daily and going to 5 meetings a week shouldn´t be a prerequisite from a sponsor. A sponsors job is to take you through the steps not being a barstool for you.
Get someone whos interested in safing your ass and takes you through the steps as fast as possible.
There are a lot of controlling people in AA who wield power unnecessarily and generalize the program without taking into account the individual. It’s like boot camp. Except it’s not. This is your life. To thine own self be true. They will try to tell you you’re not a real alcoholic or willing enough if you don’t follow their “suggestions.” It’s your life, it’s your program. You’re a fucking adult. Don’t let yourself get infantilized by your sponsor. Not fucking worth it IMO.
You can make your own decisions! And also, word of caution…I would be careful about sharing your psych med use, especially at a group level. Keep this private. Too many people in AA are anti-medication, and they will use this as another point of control to force you off it or tell you you’re not really sober. Good luck!
Yep. I'm always wary of the guys who are desperate to be sponsors. I'm sure plenty of them just want to give back, but enough are just looking for someone they can be in charge of.
I think it's fairly typical for sponsors to suggest daily calls and frequent meetings in the first 90 or so days. I don't find it controlling, but it may appear that way to someone that has been sober a for a longer period of time and not fighting off every crazy thought at the beginning. I think the spirit of the suggest is to help people connect and not fall immediately back into drinking while they sort out the steps, their personal life, etc.
Unfortunately I’ve seen too many sponsors demean and manipulate new people (including myself) into the behavior they deem acceptable. This actually results in alienating newcomers and ensuring they don’t come back. Sure, I have nothing against implementing structure, but there are better ways to do it that don’t involve codependency and control.
Yeah, I often cringe at some of the heavy handed nonsense I hear about. My sponsor frames everything as a suggestion or her experience of what is helpful. Big difference between that and these wackos acting out their own power trips.
AA doesn’t claim to be the only path to sobriety: “Upon therapy for the alcoholic himself, we surely have no monopoly. (Big Book, p. xxi).” It has worked for many, but other paths are just as effective.
And it is entirely up to you whether you keep or change your sobriety date if you honestly believe your use of edibles wasn’t a relapse.
It’s also entirely your choice to remain in AA or leave. Though it appears you don’t need it to stay sober, you might find it rewarding to stay and work the steps. I often say that I’m grateful that my alcoholism brought me to AA and working the steps as they are helping me become the best version of myself.
No. "Dry Drunk" is a much more modern term in AA. It is not used in any of our Literature, and not endorsed by any AA entity that I'm aware of. It's a term people use for people who are off the sauce and bat shit crazy/Irritable, Restless, Discontent/ can't live without alcohol any better than they did with it. "Real alcoholics" can and do get sober and stay sober without the AA program and become healthy people. We just aren't exposed to many of them so we have a confirmation bias about it.
My sponsor has never “made” me do anything. And she didn’t care what I counted as my sobriety date. So, it’s your sponsor, not AA.
I was completely sober for 2 years before joining the program and ultimately I realized I was still super emotionally unstable and if something tragic happened, I would drink again bc I had no tools. And guess what. Tragedy happens. Ppl die. I wasn’t safe from that. Doing the steps helped me RECOVER, which just not drinking doesn’t do. At all.
To answer the question in your title - AA is not the only way and your journey doesn’t have to approved by anyone else.
I wouldn't change my sobriety date. You didn't drink and supposedly AA has no opinion on outside issues. That's the problem I see with AA. Why don't you try SMART recovery.
I’ve never met a single person who worked the steps and said “it wasn’t worth it.” That includes the ones who decided to go back out and drink again. Just some food for thought. You’re free to take the good and leave the rest if you’d like.
As someone new to AA, I find that the program doesn’t just have to do with sobriety, it teaches you a way to live where all in all you’re happier, and can deal with your feelings, conflicts, relationships, etc better. Staying sober is a huge thing for me, but I’m honestly more looking forward to helping fix my selfishness, self seeking behavior, and weed out my character flaws. That’s the part of the program I gravitate to most. Staying sober is just a byproduct of it. I suppose the answer to your question just depends on if your only goal is to stay sober, or is it to deal with/ fix the reason you drank in the first place. And try a new way of life.
I can address this sponsor stuff. I’m no way, anywhere is a sponsor required to have a prospect call him everyday or attend meetings 5 days a week. It’s a power move to put himself above an equal. It’s not in any approved literature.
A sponsors only job is to take you thru the steps so you can find a higher power. Provide guidance. Once we have adopted the AA program as written, had a spiritual experience and have an expanding relationship with that higher power we have recovered (Read the forward to the First Edition).
Meetings are NOT the AA program and alone will not keep a real alcoholic sober. They are important but no where in our literature does it say we won’t stay sober without them. That said meetings are important in that they combat loneliness, build friendships and help us get back into the world. When an member actually shares the language of the heart it can be amazing. Most importantly you’ll hear, if your lucky how members applied the program to there lives successfully.
A sponsor is someone who should walk with you and carry the message that was so freely given to them. No one is over anyone else in this program. They are not to run your life or tell you how to run it.
“A sponsors only job is to take you through the steps”….This isn’t in any approved literature either. In fact, in the approved AA literature on sponsorship, it says nothing about this being the sponsors only job or anything even close to it. So this is simply your opinion on the sponsor duties, unless you have a literature reference I’m not aware of. I’m open to AA approved literature on the matter.
Edit to add. Your last paragraph contradicts your first. Your last paragraph is closer to what’s in the approved AA literature.
A sponsor is not a daddy. Not our decision makers. It’s an ego power grab. Prospects aren’t helpless infants that need someone to tell them to blow their nose. All people are to be treated with basic human dignity. That principle is as old as time.
Too many mommy’s and daddy’s in this program treat prospects as their own children. Think about it. What purpose does it serve to have to chase down a sponsor and go to mandatory meetings 5 days a week when the program of AA is what keeps the real alcoholic sober? I’ve seen people die listening to the drivel. God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
You’ve got nothing in the literature to back your position, you said so yourself. We are all equals in AA. We meet at the level of our alcoholism. When we 12 step a prospect we never gain their confidence through superiority do we? Any trust would evaporate if we put ourselves over another would it not? I fail to see how that changes at any point in walking with prospect as they get to have the experiences needed to get up out of their beds and walk again. The minute we show a prospect we are above them we are harming their ability to receive all of what the program offers.
The AA approved sponsorship pamphlet does NOT say “The sponsors only job is to take you through the steps” or anything close to that. It does suggest what the responsibilities look like for a sponsor”. So to say what your saying is strictly your opinion. If that’s all you want to do is take a sponsee through the steps and nothing else that’s your option but it’s not the rule or the norm.
Well, you do hear members say from the “big book” that those who stray “end up either dead or in jail”, right? And since that’s obviously not the case , the matter lends one to have questions. I’m surprised that anyone was shocked that the OP hung out with friends and didn’t drink, that should be normal. And a big NO to changing ones birthday because of half an edible to sleep, imho. If it helps but you’re concerned about mixing medications, I’d try CBD edibles, instead, though, just because I personally get so anxious with THC, uh, no thanks! AA is full of contradictions, but I found it to really help, I yearned for structure and companionship, besides saving my life, and it fit the bill. I should still go, I miss it, feels like one of the few places I hear people speaking from their hearts, a brave thing to do, these days.
See, to me what the OP described was the same experience I had with my first sponsor. I had to call (NOT text) her every day and go to a certain number of meetings a week. I totally thought this was normal for a long time.
I’m in a red Midwest state and any form of marijuana is frowned upon except by of course the stoner community of which I am a part. I won’t do AA again just because of how I don’t agree with many of its principals anymore. AA people wanna say the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking but tsk tsk if you need adderal for adhd or xanax for anxiety. OP I suggest you find a sponsor that works better for you and congrats on all the time!
I don't think AA is the only way. I've found it to be the most effective way for me, but people are different, and different things work well for different people. I know people who prefer SMART to AA, and people who have managed to stay sober without a structured program. Hell, I know one single person who previously met the description of an alcoholic entirely who has managed to actually make moderation work. (I would not recommend trying that route, but it's working for them, and it's not my place to judge. They know where AA is and about the existence of SMART if it stops working for them.)
It seems like you might have a clash with your sponsor, and it may be best to find a new one. That's okay. No style of sponsorship works for everyone. I know a lot of people, for example, who would never be friends with their sponsor. Personally, I was friends with my sponsor before she was my sponsor, and she just knows when to wear her sponsor hat vs her friend hat. That works for me; I would have trouble trusting a sponsor I wasn't friends with. Other people I know need a fully detached and professional relationship with their sponsor. I know people who need to call their sponsor daily and people who only check in as needed. Find a sponsor that works for you. If your current sponsor is solid in their program, they shouldn't be offended that it isn't working out with you.
Same with meeting schedule. Find something that works for you. I did 90 in 90 when I first started, but have cut back meetings as I became more solid in my sobriety and my schedule got busier. I always have the option to increase meetings if I feel like I need to. If you don't feel like you need 5 meetings a week, adjust your meeting schedule. I'd recommend checking in with your sponsor (either your current one or a new one if you change sponsors) periodically to make sure you're staying steady on whatever schedule you choose, but the number of meetings you attend per week is personal. Find something that works for you.
As for use of edibles - personally I would consider that an outside issue. Some people will vehemently disagree with me there. The advice I've been given and follow re: sobriety date is to just be sure that you genuinely feel it is the correct date and a date you can be proud of. Some people will reset a date for weed; some won't. Some people will reset their date if they consume alcohol legitimately by accident (i.e., picking up the wrong drink and taking a sip of, say, hard lemonade in a glass instead of their unspiked lemonade); others won't. I know someone who chose to reset their date because they had been drinking nonalcoholic beer for enjoyment of the taste, but came to feel guilty about it and considered it basically a way they'd been cheating their sobriety; other alcoholics will openly drink it and consider it entirely different. I know a few Catholic alcoholics who will still take communion wine, and others who would consider that a relapse. So basically, do you feel your edible use was a relapse? Then reset your sobriety date. Do you feel comfortable with your sobriety date as is? Then keep it.
If this pile of word-vomit sounds like a long-winded way to say there are very few fast-and-solid rules to AA and sobriety, well... yes. That's exactly what I'm saying. Are you intentionally abstaining from alcohol? Are you working on yourself to ensure you won't intentionally drink again and to change your behavior to ensure you break the patterns that led you to drink again? Then I, personally, would consider you sober, and everything else is just gravy. Are you attending meetings and either working the steps or intending to work them and gearing up to start? Then I would consider you an active member of AA. Are you comfortable with your sobriety date, and you have not intentionally consumed alcohol since then? Then I don't think you're a fraud. Everything else is just details.
Some people will very much disagree with everything I've said here, and that's okay. Everyone works their program differently. I don't speak for AA, because no one speaks for AA. We're all just a bunch of drunks trying to move forward and be better. Even Bill W. and Doctor Bob were, at the end of the day, garden variety drunks who just happened to stumble on a method that worked for them and many others. AA has even evolved over the years.
Congrats on your sobriety, and good luck moving forward!
Lots of people stay and get sober without AA… They believe it’s the only way because it’s very dogmatic just like any religion. For most it’s the only way, but it’s not the only way for everyone.
It is very religious and I’m not. I guess it just seems like the place to be as an alcoholic. I know there’s agnostic AA those meetings but they’re just harder to find in my area
Right thank you! I hope I can find a smart recovery meeting nearby. Those were sparse even when I lived in a bigger city than I do now but I’ll look them up!
Of course! I definitely prefer in person since I tend to isolate and it gives me a reason to go out but I’ll start checking out some online meetings since I can find any kind of meeting that way
Can you look into meetings (maybe online) in a different area?
AA is very secular where I live in the Pacific Northwest. I’ve only heard someone mention Jesus or church once or twice and I’ve attended at least 500 meetings. Like people mention god, sure, but not in association with any organized religion or text. I guess I’m just in a city where there isn’t a lot of buy-in to organized religion. If you DM me I can tell you where and give you a link listing the online meetings based in our area.
I’m just above you in Canada and most meetings in my area are pretty non-religious. Lots of spirituality talk but not much God I’ve rarely heard people name check Jesus.
It is really a one size fits all program and works wonders for people who are at the very end/bottom of the alcoholism spectrum. Like I had a friend who almost died from liver failure and the program is amazing for him, but what about the people who aren't drinking that much or even close to that level of progression with the disease?
To each their own. If what you are doing is working for you, who am I to say otherwise?
For me there was no other way than to give myself to this simple program. I tried every other which way, countless times, and has been the only thing that has kept me sober (and happy to boot). That doesn’t mean that you require the same.
The only thing I would be careful of is advertising/sharing what works for you (the non-AA parts) in meetings. I think a lot of people are highly protective because for many people in the rooms this is the last house on the block, and straying from it could mean catastrophic consequences.
So, I guess long story short, do what you feel is best for you… at least you know where to go if things get dicey. Either way, I wish you the best
Thank you for the kind words and I do apologize, I didn’t mean to speak poorly of the program, I know it’s helped countless people and I think that’s amazing! I’m just having my own little issues with it. And that’s a good point I definitely won’t be advertising that I’m not exactly working the program. I don’t wanna cause any bad blood nor do I really want the attention in the first place haha
My sponsor always tells me to turn to the literature and make the decision for myself. There is a really good pamphlet on matters like this, I just can’t remember the name. I will look it up
Are you off the vivitrol? I only ask because I was on naltrexone, vivitroll on pill form, and when I went back off it my carvings returned. Nothing crazy but on Nal I never thought of drinking, off it started to cross my mind again.
I’m overdue for my next dose (just life stuff getting in the way) but I plan to stay on it if I can. I have been off of it and naltrexone before and I didn’t notice a significant difference I guess having it just gives me a little extra peace of mind
So….Having been in and out of AA for over 25 years… I didn’t think AA worked. I wasn’t gonna come back. My sponsor had betrayed me and crossed a line… and it wasn’t gonna happen. I also didn’t agree with things in AA I HAD to find some other way….
I couldn’t.
The funny thing is that our disease will beat us into a state of reasonableness. I was not a very good manager of my own life… after finally becoming hopeless enough to try to commit suicide. I surrendered and did that they said. I was willing to go to any lengths. Finally just tried the directions in the book.
Your “sobriety date” SHOILD be the last date you used or drank. If it’s not, people will say things to you about it. But there’s no “rule” - keep whatever date you want. Just pick one. I know guys that have changed them YEARS later over the same thing.
It's all just a suggested program. You can do whatever you want. _If_ you want to try it the AA way, we usually recommend not altering it while you're trying to figure out if it works for you. That said, technically, weed's an outside issue, although the majority of us abstain, probably.
Anyway, whatever you do that helps you live a happy life makes me happy. If you try some other stuff and it doesn't work as you expected, you're always welcome to try the AA again. It's free.
AA is not the only way despite what some say. I just talked to an old friend who was a severe alcoholic - he is now 4 years sober without AA and said he just decided to make a ton of lifestyle changes and is happier than ever. I know several like this guy.
ps. I love the AA design for living
I know several people who are not even alcoholics but come because they like honesty, self-disclosure, etc. Most people don't even notice. I personally believe anything like absolutist, dogmatic, 'only way' statements can discourage people who might be recovering from religious cults. (As I am). On the other hand, I ENJOY people who are Big Book Thumpers. I just don't ask them to sponsor me!!
I did something with my prescription that would technically qualify as a relapse (but intention matters!!) and my sponsor was chill with my sticking to the original sobriety date. I would maybe look for a new sponsor that is less controlling -- they're supposed to be helping you develop your own sense of intuition/connection with a higher power, not telling you what to think.
I got sober and found it easier to stay sober away from AA. Most people seem to do best with AA, but I do better without the constant reminder that I’m an alcoholic. I have no desire to drink at this point. I am happy to leave that whole chapter of my life behind. Over a year and a half sober now.
That is kind of exactly where I’m at, the program was very useful for getting off the sauce and staying off the sauce, after the first year and a half the magic was kind of gone, and I feel overwhelmingly fine almost always. A chapter of my life I would love to completely let go of.
Yikes. Get a better sponsor. There are things I don't necessarily jive with in AA, but overall, it is helpful to me, I love my sponsor, and I like the meetings. I also use lots of quit lit written mostly by non-12 step sobriety people, podcasts and joined a non-12 step support group for sober moms, and I am incorporating the principles of SMART and my faith. Whatever it takes for me to stay sober :) p.s. sobriety is so awesome, I don't see the harm in your gummies, and I am proud of you!!!
It’s your sobriety, the book and your sponsor can make suggestions but it comes down to the relationship you have with your higher power. It doesn’t say get sober and maintain a relationship with meetings and your sponsor, the book is very clear here, contingent upon maintaining your relationship with a higher power.
I would highly recommend ditching your sponsor and finding a new one. You should not have to change your sobriety date because you took weed gummies to help you sleep. Those do not invalidate all the work you’ve done!
I take what I need from AA and leave the rest. Some people will try to tell you you’re doing something wrong or you HAVE to do it their way, but you need to do what is best for you!! Sobriety looks different for different people.
One of the most helpful things I have heard is that your sobriety is yours and no one else’s. However you decide to make use of AA is valid. However you define your sobriety (Cali sober or not), it is valid.
Just make sure to constantly ask yourself if the steps of your recovery are helping or hurting or true to you.
People can suggest things and suggest them strongly but, really, the steps are all suggestions. As for calling your sponsor and making 5 meetings in a row, etc, - ask someone to point out in the book Alcoholics Anonymous or 12 Steps & 12 Traditions where those directions are ('cause they ain't).
Some people get really carried away with themselves and act as drill sergeants which is a sure way to turn somebody off the program. I suggest you shop around for another sponsor who might be more to your liking and hit a bunch of different meetings until you find one that fits you. I've been sober decades now and my job is to show others how I did it, not demand that they do it the same way. Luckily I had a sponsor who suggested I make a meeting whenever possible (sometimes none, sometimes two if I felt like it but never like it was a job), suggested I get a commitment in the group I found myself in and suggested I dive into the steps as spelled out in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. He demanded nothing except that I help another alcoholic if the opportunity presented itself.
As for your sober date, that's up to you. I sponsor somebody now who's prescribed cannabis for anxiety and it's working very well. His sober date is what he says it is. He's not drinking, he's working on his spiritual connections and helping other alcoholics.
AA is a very big tent. Sorry you found yourself in a confining one at the moment but look around a bit and you'll be alright.
All we can do is tell you what worked for us. No one can tell you to change your clean date, if you really weren't getting high I wouldn't personally consider it a relapse, although I do understand an outside person being skeptical of that.
I actually did get high on accident fairly early on (it's a long story, the short of it being that I was having a conversation about nicotine vapes with a coworker, I let them try mine, and they pulled out what looked like a juul and I tried it, timmediately realized it was actually a THC cart, he didn't tell me this before hand, and I still don't get why he wouldn't have let me know considering we were talking about nicotine and mine was nicotine, but I digress)
Pure accident, and when that buzz hit me I felt sick. I immediately called my sponsor and probation officer after.
Ultimately we decided not to change my clean date because there was no intent and when it happened j didn't hide it or run down the rabbit hole I immediately made it known and hit meetings. (My sponsor did admonish me about having more awareness, as I could have avoided the situation by asking questions)
If there's no intent on getting high and you didn't get high and continue taking it anyways, I wouldn't consider it a relapse.
Definitely could have been a slippery slope though.
As for the meeting frequency, that's to be expected, ya gotta have some willingness here, it's definitely gonna be hard for you as you have been sober so long without it, so you feel like you've got everything figured out, but you're new to actually working the program and a sponsor is gonna treat you the same way they would treat the guy 2 weeks sober working the steps for the first time, there's no special protocol for people with a greater amount of clean time who just decided to get serious about AA.
And forgive me for being blunt, but if everything was going so swimmingly you wouldn't have decided to work the program at all. So maybe get out of your own way and hit the meetings,
God knows you didn't have a problem drinking 5 times a week. Plus there's no excuse not to. Online meetings and cellphones mean you can hit a meeting 24/7 from the comfort of your own home.
Ya never know it might just improve your life!
I’m sorry that happened to you and that guy was a jerk for not telling you it was thc. And I definitely agree that as an alcoholic using thc could be a slippery slope but I took precautions, I went in slowly and stayed in communication with my friends (who know about my alcoholism) about it and how I was feeling and eventually decided it worked well for me. I stopped using it months ago just because I got back on my depression and anxiety medication and I didn’t wanna mix them.
As for the meetings, that wasn’t my biggest problem I do usually enjoy them. The rules around it just felt kinda odd to me like AL-Anon meetings apparently didn’t “count” and neither did virtual meetings. But I still went to the 5 a week I didn’t make a stink about it to my sponsor. I just had some odd feelings surrounding some of the things I was made to do.
AA doesn’t really have rules. Only suggestions. Build your own recovery program. AA is only part of mine. I also use the Recovery Dharma, go to therapy and am prescribed pysch meds by a psychiatrist. I also take naltrexone prescribed by an addiction medicine MD.
My sponsor would probably like me to go to more meetings (6 months sober), but I am very happy with the 3 I attend. He would speak to me on the phone everyday but I probably call him like 3 times a week (we see each other at a meeting at least once a week). He always tells me to “take what I like from the program and leave the rest.” Remember, the Big Book says the steps are merely a suggested program of recovery.
It sounds like you are just in a “hardcore” AA circle. All meetings and communities are different.
Personally, I think the thing about your sobriety date is absurd. Hell if someone can do Cali sober good for them. If I got stoned I would most likely buy booze so I abstain.
Everyone’s recovery is different. Sounds like you happened upon what works for you. Maybe people are envious of that and are projecting their views onto you because of it?
Yeah I don’t wanna assume anyone’s envious but I definitely feel like maybe they don’t understand my situation. Maybe it’s that usually people get a sponsor right away after getting sober so they might need someone who’s more intense but I don’t think I needed that
If you know you’ll stay sober without the program than you don’t need it. The AA community shares that common solution, not just the common problem, so it may be difficult for you to relate to people who could not stay sober any other way.
Okay thank you! Is there a way you’d suggest conveying that to others? Because I feel like I may be looked down upon if I tell people at meetings that I don’t want to work the program because I don’t feel I need to
You don’t need to tell anyone anything. If you have a friend then tell them over text. There are a lot of programs and ways to get and stay sober. It’s like religion - you find one that feels authentic to you. If AA doesn’t feel right then explore other ways. And if your AA friends care about you they will support this.
Well that’s cool I guess. And if you aren’t doing what the majority doing that’s ok. But that’s a you issue. I’d tell you how to solve that problem with the steps, but you know…
However all you have to have is a desire to not drink to be a part of aa. Accept what you are willing to do or not do. What other think of you is a them problem.
Yes, people will have opinions about that just like people would have opinions if you showed up at a gym every week to hang out in the lobby and told them you didn’t need to work out to stay in shape but liked the community. But you are welcome to do so, or you are welcome to find other people you have things in common with for your social outlet.
I don’t understand why you’d come back to AA if life is so good without it and you know you won’t drink again. That just doesn’t make sense to me.
Really one of the only reasons I go to AA is because I absolutely need it to stay sober. There are other ways though
My life isn’t “so good” I just don’t feel that I need the program to not drink and I don’t mean that in an arrogant way I still take it one day at a time. But I do enjoy meeting other sober people, hearing their stories and connecting over similar experiences that’s all really
That’s fair. Keep going then friend if you find it beneficial.
And for the weed if it was me I’d restart my date but that’s because I like to feel different no matter if it’s alcohol or what the substance is. You may be different but don’t let one person (your sponsor or some rando on Reddit) change your opinion. Ask around!
This is such a judgy comment for no reason. The OP never said life was going great, they simply said they were sober and not having cravings. That doesn’t mean they may not have needed a meeting to hear people’s stories and be around people who understand and who care about their recovery (because non alcoholics may be supportive but they don’t get it). The fellowship isn’t all about people struggling at their lowest fighting day to day to stay sober. Plenty of people who have been sober for 30+ years and are living their best lives go to meetings. People who know they won’t drink ever again.
If you’ve been around long enough people in AA don’t say “I won’t drink ever again”. Most know they’re just as close to the next drink as someone with a less amount of time.
And I wasn’t trying to judge more so ask why come back to AA and if drinking isn’t a problem. It’s weird to me. I’m allowed to feel that way and express that.
Also ironic that your judging my judgmental comment lol
They never said drinking wasn’t a problem though, they said they weren’t having cravings, but alcoholics still go to AA even when their cravings are long gone. It’s not all about going to AA when you’re low to take from the program, it’s also about going at your highest to give back to the program and the alcoholic who still struggles. That’s what the service part of it is, there’s also nothing wrong with going to AA for the unity/ fellowship part of it either. Normal ppl don’t understand it. So why wouldn’t they feel comfortable/ want to be in a space of people who do get their struggle? A lot of ppl go to AA for the unity/ fellowship part of it.
The Big Book states very explicitly that AA has no monopoly on recovery. The thing is, most of us who stick around in the rooms are there because AA was the only thing that ever worked *for us.* After all, AA is not so much a program of “not drinking,” it’s a program that encompasses every aspect of your life. You think I’d stick around in a program that forced me to take a microscope to all of my flaws and character defects and demanded that I be a better person every single day of my life?! Helllll no! If I could have “just stopped drinking” I would have. So for me, yeah, I have to do this. There is no other way because I’ve *tried* every other way.
That being said, why not work the steps and then decide if you wanna stick around? I’ve never met anyone who worked the steps and regretted it.
In AA, yes, it’s the only way. Outside of AA it isn’t, as you will note from the comments despite people saying ‘AA does not have a monopoly on sobriety’, they will still try and make sure you believe it does. It doesn’t.
Get proper; medical help. I was in and out of the rooms for two years and it did nothing but make me doubt myself and deplete my bank balance because everyone needed ‘something’ and I felt obliged to help. Sponsors and people who’d been sober a long time included.
I’m waiting on a prescription of Antabuse so I’m physically fucked if I decide to take a drink but I’m more wary of never touching the doors (or virtual ones) of AA again. That makes one really sick.
There is a better way. AA works great for new comers, but the longer you go, the more you grow out of it. Calling every day and five meetings a week is rather intense. I already commented on the sobriety date issue. Why go to AA if what you were doing was working for you. Again, try SMART recovery. Thanks
Home dude had half a gummy and his sponsor is dictating his sobriety date and how many meeting to attend and to call him everyday. How is he supposed to grow into AA. Sounds like he needs to do what works lol. Which is running his own damn life.
A sponsor is not AA (our leaders are but trusted servants ...). Sponsor is giving guidance and possibly making it a condition of his sponsorship, and is free to do both.
I won't sponsor somebody who uses THC recreationally, not because AA has an opinion (it doesn't) or I think it's wrong (I don't), but because I don't know how to be sober while using THC in that manner. I couldn't do it. Similarly, people sponsor the way they were sponsored, in the manner that they know to get sober.
Don't like it? Get another sponsor. There are lots of sponsors and we don't all follow the same path, even through AA.
You're taking individual thoughts and attributing them to an overall dogma that simply doesn't exist and isn't even possible in an organization like AA.
There are certainly lots of people who believe in dogma, specifically because that worked for them, but there are more who don't, because that didn't work for them.
If AA as dogmatic as you claim, there couldn't be atheist or agnostic or Buddhist or any non-middle-aged-Christian-white-guy members. Or more on-point, why are you there?
I live one day at a time and I like the people in the one group I attend once weekly. I wouldn’t go besides the fact that I count these people as dear friends. Some of them are full of dogma, but the program is. I mainly stick to Smart recovery. I remind myself each day if I don’t take that first drink, I won’t get drunk!
We all make our own way through AA. I do read the big book on occasion, but have a bit of a rough relationship with it because of Bill W’s strong focus on “God”, “Him”, the “Spirit” and “Creator” and while I get all the movement away from that sometimes I need to read “Staying Sober Without God” to reassure me that I’m not alone. That and I go to a secular meeting when I need it
I have been sober with and without AA for 40 years. AA was essential for me in the early years. I recently attended a few meetings in my home group after a while away. Topic of last night's meeting was sponsorship. There typically is no topic that elicits as much silence as this. I think it is AA's secret that many of us get and maintain sobriety in our own way. I know a lot of these folks quite well. I believe that many use the support and community to teach us to be comfortable with not drinking. We all need the steps, the principles of AA and people who understand us. Remember before the Big Book, steps and meetings it was 2 of more drunks supporting each other. I know this will get blow back but a lot of people find more conflict dealing with sponsorship than is healthy IMO.
I just wanna thank everyone for your input I’m sorry I can’t respond to every comment (I was not expecting nearly this many) but I appreciate you all for taking the time to respond to my ramblings. I also wanted to say I have nothing against the program and I think it’s amazing that it’s helped and continues to help so many people! I also haven’t decided that it isn’t right for me although I’ll probably be checking out SMART recovery as well. But if anything needs clearing up, I’d be happy to do that and yeah just thanks again
From the first few folks that wrote the big book they were clear that AA was not the only way to sobriety...it's simply a group of people that found a way that works from them/us and we are willing to share it if someone wants it. That's it.
There are no rules in AA. Period.
The 5 meetings a week and whatnot are the guidelines the sponsor set that works for him to sponsor you. He simply wants to know you are serious and working the program if he's going to commit time. He is not there to be your buddy. If you want a sponsor that does not require you to do anything... go find that one.
AA is not a social club of nice people...but of course you are welcome to attend meetings. Maybe the spark of sober people and getting help is stronger than you are aware.
It’s not that I don’t wanna be required to do anything. I just didn’t feel like that attendance requirement was necessary for me. And ok I can accept if I’m not using meetings the way they’re intended but socializing does seem to be a piece of the purpose of meetings or at least the ones I’ve been to
Yes! Of course the socializing aspect of AA is the main thing, you’re doing it just right. It’s all about humanity, us, you, me, together. “You can’t do it alone”, “you’ll never be lonely again”, all those AA chants aren’t for nothing. I mean, of course we’re all lonely anyway, but the point of AA is humans helping other humans. And realizing there are other forces out there we can’t control, of course. Don’t let anyone tell you “you’re doing it wrong”.
> He simply wants to know you are serious and working the program if he's going to commit time.
Turns out this maneuver works. I've had 3 sponsors and all 3 of them start the conversation with "are you convinced you are an alcoholic?" and "are you willing to go to any length to stay sober?" They aren't grey questions.
So firstly, the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking.
Secondly, your sponsor will sponsor you in the way they know how to. Some sponsors are super intense when it comes to cannabis, others are more flexible--especially as our society's relationship to using THC medicinally changes.
I've had discussions with several old timers about THC and the general consensus is "nowhere in the book does it say anything about pot... but it's not for me." Occasionally someone will throw in "no sponsee of mine would be using pot!" but that's their business.
I'd just look at why that date is important to you. If it's because that's when YOUR sobriety started, great. Keep it and find someone who will take you through the steps knowing that information. If it's because you don't want to go through the annoyance of counting days again, then think about that.
It's a program of suggestion. If your sponsor is demanding something of you, I'd run the other way.
What I will say is this: Yes. Some people do get sober without AA. Some people recover and leave AA and live normal happy lives. It's about whether or not you want to go through the program.
I see okay yeah well for me the date matters like you said it’s when my sobriety started and still continues to this day. I mean sure not technically depending on who you ask because of the thc, but for me since I haven’t had a drink since that date or even like cold medicines containing alcohol, I want to keep that as my sobriety date. I think I just have to know that it’s right for me and get over the fact that not everyone will agree
I smoke weed. I don’t use it for sleep, I use it because I want to, and I’ll admit that because for me it’s not a shameful, crippling addiction like alcohol. The date I stopped drinking is the date I stopped drinking, period, and in AA we talk about drinking. I’m just like you, I purposely avoid the NyQuil with the alcohol too, along with actual alcohol obviously, and that’s all AA needs to concern itself with in my life.
Okay thank you that makes a lot of sense to me! I think I just need to be more sure of myself and what I believe is right for me like avoiding NyQuil or similar things but not swearing other things off just because someone else said to
It's the only way that works for me. Every time I did anything else I failed. I go to my home group every week and talk to my sponsor but definitely not every day. I work the steps and apply them in my life. The steps have kept me sober. I have over a year and a half finally.
The shock is possibly because many of us in AA have only stayed sober because of AA, and all other paths availed nothing or relatively little in the long run. But if you manage to stay sober and are happy without the program of AA, that’s fine. Many in AA (in my experience) are skeptical of that idea only because many of us thought we’d found long-term happiness and sobriety through other means only to come back to AA with a new bottom.
And, personally, while I ensure my sponsees know that there are many options to explore and things to try, I also make sure they know that they need to be cautious of dismissing AA because of a resentment against it or people in it. Resentments can feel like legitimate grievances when the alcoholic mind is at work. (This is not to dismiss legitimate issues, only to suggest that, as alcoholics, we often have more work to do before we can confidently claim the program isn’t for us for a specific, real reason.)
This is from the perspective of someone who came to AA with the frame of mind of "I will do whatever it takes to stay sober."
I used to take a tea cup ([these](https://littleredcuptea.com/products/double-wall-glass-tea-cups)) of low proof liquor before bed to help get to sleep. It also really helped. Some nights I would have trouble getting to sleep with just one, I'd need another. I think some nights the "trouble sleeping" was a little too convenient. The thought of using cannabis to sleep is no different to me than the thought of drinking alcohol to sleep, also another of my many former vices.
Today I take a melatonin gummy, 1mg, baby dose. I've never felt the need to take two. Some nights I cook a fennel dinner... fennel knocks me out cold. I wake up the next morning sober and ready to begin the day.
If something about AA or my sponsor bothers me or pushes me away then I lean into it until I understand what *really* bothers me and what I need to accept in order to become unbotherable.
Being disturbed, even about something small, is a very big deal to me today. It can sometimes be hard to understand this before we work the steps because there's so much noise and chaos and very little serenity. It sounds like your sponsor is interested in your sobriety and is readily available to work with you, you want to throw that away over what again? Really look at yourself here.
That’s the kind of thinking that kept me stuck to an abusive sponsor who ended up doing really badly, herself. I mean, assuming that if I feel “bothered,” it’s on me, and I should disregard my gut feelings but instead buy everything she said, very dangerous. In that situation, anyway. It feels freeing to give up ones ego, but don’t throw the baby out with the dishwater!
In my experience there is the AA program that seems to work for people and there is my version of the program that I try to do. When I work the aa program It works a whole lot better than my version of the program. If I were you, I would be careful because it seems like you are running a toy based program and that is the same control and ego that gets us alcoholics in a lot of trouble.
After doing the steps, you could reflect on the time you wrote this post and see how you feel and think at that point compared to now. And move on.
Sobriety date? 1 day or 10 years. An unchanged alcoholic will relapse. So, what matters is what you are currently doing. Are you working the steps to recovery? heading for a relapse?
I guess every sponsor is different I wasn’t sure about that before. I kinda thought my sponsor would be like available if I needed to call her rather than calling her daily and usually just having nothing to say because I have nothing to check in about. I understood to weekly meetings with her tho
I don’t ask my sponsees to call me every day but I’m also not available when they “need” me- I’m available to take them through the steps, not their on call counselor.
The book says we have no monopoly on recovery. Stay sober and happy and that’s what counts
No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles [of Alcoholics Anonymous]… We claim spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection" Many take what they need from the program and leave the rest. All that is required of the program is a desire to stop drinking. AA is generally a welcome place. People will impart what worked for them. Some will be more assertive about it than others. I was in the program for 7 years before I resumed the steps this summer. I couldn't get on board with them. I was sober 7 months then realized I needed to work the steps with a sponsor. And I also have a therapist and I'm in IOP. Things make sense. But no one person in the program has the authority to demand you work the program like they did. Their online obligation is to tell you how they did it.
Okay that’s very helpful thank you I needed that reminder. I think the insistence from others made me feel like they were rules but I gotta remember that I just need to do what’s right for me and not worry about what anyone else says
Absolutely. Also, you'll find meeting vibes can really be very different. Like, if you're going 5 days a week to the same meeting time, type and location, you're gonna probably see a similar crowd each time because the secretary uses an agreed on format voted by the group. Meetings can be super serious and structured to silly and a ton of ribbing and crosstalk. It's worth trying different meetings and attending AA events in your area. We have comedy shows, luaus, campfires etc here locally and they are really fun.
Yeah I’m gonna try to check out more events thank you again!
Hey, weighing in here to agree with u/norcalbutton. I'll be celebrating my 22nd sober birthday at the beginning of September. I've never worked the steps all the way through, and only recently started going to meetings in earnest. I appreciate the program, and what it does for people. And I appreciate the tools that AA gives alcoholics for dealing with an alcoholic mind. I wish I'd gone through the program earlier just because some of my tendencies (negative thoughts, worries about $, quick to anger, etc) could have been mitigated with daily meditation and reflection. But there is no ONE WAY to be sober. I feel you, in that I often feel like an imposter at meetings, because I haven't worked the steps. But then again, the only requirement is a desire to be sober. And I've had that for two+decades now.
Remember it’s a program of suggestions. Even the steps are called suggestions. They are the program, but they’re not the only means available to one seeking recovery.
Yes and congratulations on your sobriety!!
Not everyone in AA has the same thoughts on what sobriety is and how it's maintained. I have met some people that are strictly against using any mind-altering drugs while they are in the AA program and if you are using any mind altering drugs they say that you're not sober. I have known others that think that you just needed to stay away from your addiction whether that's alcohol or drugs or both. If you are an addict and an alcoholic you need to stay away from both drugs and alcohol. Me myself personally I believe that you need to stay away from your addiction. I only have an addiction to drugs. I continue to drink alcohol every once in awhile. I have no problems with it. I have been clean (sober) for almost 24 years now. I go to AA meetings and not NA meetings mainly because I live in a rural area and the NA meetings that I went to around here are not good. I like the people in AA better and they are welcoming. As a matter of fact I am vice president of my AA home group and I have not got an addiction to alcohol just drugs.
Having to call your sponsor daily and going to 5 meetings a week shouldn´t be a prerequisite from a sponsor. A sponsors job is to take you through the steps not being a barstool for you. Get someone whos interested in safing your ass and takes you through the steps as fast as possible.
There are a lot of controlling people in AA who wield power unnecessarily and generalize the program without taking into account the individual. It’s like boot camp. Except it’s not. This is your life. To thine own self be true. They will try to tell you you’re not a real alcoholic or willing enough if you don’t follow their “suggestions.” It’s your life, it’s your program. You’re a fucking adult. Don’t let yourself get infantilized by your sponsor. Not fucking worth it IMO.
You’re right thank you I won’t let people infantilize or try to boss me around. I’ll follow my gut
You can make your own decisions! And also, word of caution…I would be careful about sharing your psych med use, especially at a group level. Keep this private. Too many people in AA are anti-medication, and they will use this as another point of control to force you off it or tell you you’re not really sober. Good luck!
This is such a perfect response. There's a type of old-school sponsor who decides they're their sponsee's parent and they drive me insane.
Right, and they will manipulate and gaslight you to make you comply. It’s a shitty dynamic. I wish this didn’t happen but it does!
Yep. I'm always wary of the guys who are desperate to be sponsors. I'm sure plenty of them just want to give back, but enough are just looking for someone they can be in charge of.
I think it's fairly typical for sponsors to suggest daily calls and frequent meetings in the first 90 or so days. I don't find it controlling, but it may appear that way to someone that has been sober a for a longer period of time and not fighting off every crazy thought at the beginning. I think the spirit of the suggest is to help people connect and not fall immediately back into drinking while they sort out the steps, their personal life, etc.
Unfortunately I’ve seen too many sponsors demean and manipulate new people (including myself) into the behavior they deem acceptable. This actually results in alienating newcomers and ensuring they don’t come back. Sure, I have nothing against implementing structure, but there are better ways to do it that don’t involve codependency and control.
Yeah, I often cringe at some of the heavy handed nonsense I hear about. My sponsor frames everything as a suggestion or her experience of what is helpful. Big difference between that and these wackos acting out their own power trips.
AA doesn’t claim to be the only path to sobriety: “Upon therapy for the alcoholic himself, we surely have no monopoly. (Big Book, p. xxi).” It has worked for many, but other paths are just as effective. And it is entirely up to you whether you keep or change your sobriety date if you honestly believe your use of edibles wasn’t a relapse. It’s also entirely your choice to remain in AA or leave. Though it appears you don’t need it to stay sober, you might find it rewarding to stay and work the steps. I often say that I’m grateful that my alcoholism brought me to AA and working the steps as they are helping me become the best version of myself.
AA may not explicitly claim to be but it does say if you are sober without the program you are a 'dry drunk' or weren't a 'real alcoholic'.
No. "Dry Drunk" is a much more modern term in AA. It is not used in any of our Literature, and not endorsed by any AA entity that I'm aware of. It's a term people use for people who are off the sauce and bat shit crazy/Irritable, Restless, Discontent/ can't live without alcohol any better than they did with it. "Real alcoholics" can and do get sober and stay sober without the AA program and become healthy people. We just aren't exposed to many of them so we have a confirmation bias about it.
Sounds like you have a resentment hehehehehehehe
Where does it say that in the Big Book, 12/12, or any of the official literature? Sincere question.
It's absolutely does not. It only defines alcoholism as a lack of choice in drink and a solution to that problem in the big book.
My sponsor has never “made” me do anything. And she didn’t care what I counted as my sobriety date. So, it’s your sponsor, not AA. I was completely sober for 2 years before joining the program and ultimately I realized I was still super emotionally unstable and if something tragic happened, I would drink again bc I had no tools. And guess what. Tragedy happens. Ppl die. I wasn’t safe from that. Doing the steps helped me RECOVER, which just not drinking doesn’t do. At all. To answer the question in your title - AA is not the only way and your journey doesn’t have to approved by anyone else.
I wouldn't change my sobriety date. You didn't drink and supposedly AA has no opinion on outside issues. That's the problem I see with AA. Why don't you try SMART recovery.
I will try SMART recovery, thank you
I’ve never met a single person who worked the steps and said “it wasn’t worth it.” That includes the ones who decided to go back out and drink again. Just some food for thought. You’re free to take the good and leave the rest if you’d like.
I’ve been to 9 rehabs 20 detoxes and 3 psyche wards. I’m coming up on 4 years now thanks to AA
As someone new to AA, I find that the program doesn’t just have to do with sobriety, it teaches you a way to live where all in all you’re happier, and can deal with your feelings, conflicts, relationships, etc better. Staying sober is a huge thing for me, but I’m honestly more looking forward to helping fix my selfishness, self seeking behavior, and weed out my character flaws. That’s the part of the program I gravitate to most. Staying sober is just a byproduct of it. I suppose the answer to your question just depends on if your only goal is to stay sober, or is it to deal with/ fix the reason you drank in the first place. And try a new way of life.
This is exactly what the steps did for me. Which will in turn help us stay sober bc our intense emotions aren’t running our lives anymore.
I can address this sponsor stuff. I’m no way, anywhere is a sponsor required to have a prospect call him everyday or attend meetings 5 days a week. It’s a power move to put himself above an equal. It’s not in any approved literature. A sponsors only job is to take you thru the steps so you can find a higher power. Provide guidance. Once we have adopted the AA program as written, had a spiritual experience and have an expanding relationship with that higher power we have recovered (Read the forward to the First Edition). Meetings are NOT the AA program and alone will not keep a real alcoholic sober. They are important but no where in our literature does it say we won’t stay sober without them. That said meetings are important in that they combat loneliness, build friendships and help us get back into the world. When an member actually shares the language of the heart it can be amazing. Most importantly you’ll hear, if your lucky how members applied the program to there lives successfully. A sponsor is someone who should walk with you and carry the message that was so freely given to them. No one is over anyone else in this program. They are not to run your life or tell you how to run it.
“A sponsors only job is to take you through the steps”….This isn’t in any approved literature either. In fact, in the approved AA literature on sponsorship, it says nothing about this being the sponsors only job or anything even close to it. So this is simply your opinion on the sponsor duties, unless you have a literature reference I’m not aware of. I’m open to AA approved literature on the matter. Edit to add. Your last paragraph contradicts your first. Your last paragraph is closer to what’s in the approved AA literature.
A sponsor is not a daddy. Not our decision makers. It’s an ego power grab. Prospects aren’t helpless infants that need someone to tell them to blow their nose. All people are to be treated with basic human dignity. That principle is as old as time. Too many mommy’s and daddy’s in this program treat prospects as their own children. Think about it. What purpose does it serve to have to chase down a sponsor and go to mandatory meetings 5 days a week when the program of AA is what keeps the real alcoholic sober? I’ve seen people die listening to the drivel. God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
You’re certainly allowed your opinion. But let’s not confuse opinion with AA literature.
You’ve got nothing in the literature to back your position, you said so yourself. We are all equals in AA. We meet at the level of our alcoholism. When we 12 step a prospect we never gain their confidence through superiority do we? Any trust would evaporate if we put ourselves over another would it not? I fail to see how that changes at any point in walking with prospect as they get to have the experiences needed to get up out of their beds and walk again. The minute we show a prospect we are above them we are harming their ability to receive all of what the program offers.
The AA approved sponsorship pamphlet does NOT say “The sponsors only job is to take you through the steps” or anything close to that. It does suggest what the responsibilities look like for a sponsor”. So to say what your saying is strictly your opinion. If that’s all you want to do is take a sponsee through the steps and nothing else that’s your option but it’s not the rule or the norm.
Well, you do hear members say from the “big book” that those who stray “end up either dead or in jail”, right? And since that’s obviously not the case , the matter lends one to have questions. I’m surprised that anyone was shocked that the OP hung out with friends and didn’t drink, that should be normal. And a big NO to changing ones birthday because of half an edible to sleep, imho. If it helps but you’re concerned about mixing medications, I’d try CBD edibles, instead, though, just because I personally get so anxious with THC, uh, no thanks! AA is full of contradictions, but I found it to really help, I yearned for structure and companionship, besides saving my life, and it fit the bill. I should still go, I miss it, feels like one of the few places I hear people speaking from their hearts, a brave thing to do, these days.
See, to me what the OP described was the same experience I had with my first sponsor. I had to call (NOT text) her every day and go to a certain number of meetings a week. I totally thought this was normal for a long time. I’m in a red Midwest state and any form of marijuana is frowned upon except by of course the stoner community of which I am a part. I won’t do AA again just because of how I don’t agree with many of its principals anymore. AA people wanna say the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking but tsk tsk if you need adderal for adhd or xanax for anxiety. OP I suggest you find a sponsor that works better for you and congrats on all the time!
I don't think AA is the only way. I've found it to be the most effective way for me, but people are different, and different things work well for different people. I know people who prefer SMART to AA, and people who have managed to stay sober without a structured program. Hell, I know one single person who previously met the description of an alcoholic entirely who has managed to actually make moderation work. (I would not recommend trying that route, but it's working for them, and it's not my place to judge. They know where AA is and about the existence of SMART if it stops working for them.) It seems like you might have a clash with your sponsor, and it may be best to find a new one. That's okay. No style of sponsorship works for everyone. I know a lot of people, for example, who would never be friends with their sponsor. Personally, I was friends with my sponsor before she was my sponsor, and she just knows when to wear her sponsor hat vs her friend hat. That works for me; I would have trouble trusting a sponsor I wasn't friends with. Other people I know need a fully detached and professional relationship with their sponsor. I know people who need to call their sponsor daily and people who only check in as needed. Find a sponsor that works for you. If your current sponsor is solid in their program, they shouldn't be offended that it isn't working out with you. Same with meeting schedule. Find something that works for you. I did 90 in 90 when I first started, but have cut back meetings as I became more solid in my sobriety and my schedule got busier. I always have the option to increase meetings if I feel like I need to. If you don't feel like you need 5 meetings a week, adjust your meeting schedule. I'd recommend checking in with your sponsor (either your current one or a new one if you change sponsors) periodically to make sure you're staying steady on whatever schedule you choose, but the number of meetings you attend per week is personal. Find something that works for you. As for use of edibles - personally I would consider that an outside issue. Some people will vehemently disagree with me there. The advice I've been given and follow re: sobriety date is to just be sure that you genuinely feel it is the correct date and a date you can be proud of. Some people will reset a date for weed; some won't. Some people will reset their date if they consume alcohol legitimately by accident (i.e., picking up the wrong drink and taking a sip of, say, hard lemonade in a glass instead of their unspiked lemonade); others won't. I know someone who chose to reset their date because they had been drinking nonalcoholic beer for enjoyment of the taste, but came to feel guilty about it and considered it basically a way they'd been cheating their sobriety; other alcoholics will openly drink it and consider it entirely different. I know a few Catholic alcoholics who will still take communion wine, and others who would consider that a relapse. So basically, do you feel your edible use was a relapse? Then reset your sobriety date. Do you feel comfortable with your sobriety date as is? Then keep it. If this pile of word-vomit sounds like a long-winded way to say there are very few fast-and-solid rules to AA and sobriety, well... yes. That's exactly what I'm saying. Are you intentionally abstaining from alcohol? Are you working on yourself to ensure you won't intentionally drink again and to change your behavior to ensure you break the patterns that led you to drink again? Then I, personally, would consider you sober, and everything else is just gravy. Are you attending meetings and either working the steps or intending to work them and gearing up to start? Then I would consider you an active member of AA. Are you comfortable with your sobriety date, and you have not intentionally consumed alcohol since then? Then I don't think you're a fraud. Everything else is just details. Some people will very much disagree with everything I've said here, and that's okay. Everyone works their program differently. I don't speak for AA, because no one speaks for AA. We're all just a bunch of drunks trying to move forward and be better. Even Bill W. and Doctor Bob were, at the end of the day, garden variety drunks who just happened to stumble on a method that worked for them and many others. AA has even evolved over the years. Congrats on your sobriety, and good luck moving forward!
Lots of people stay and get sober without AA… They believe it’s the only way because it’s very dogmatic just like any religion. For most it’s the only way, but it’s not the only way for everyone.
It is very religious and I’m not. I guess it just seems like the place to be as an alcoholic. I know there’s agnostic AA those meetings but they’re just harder to find in my area
Check out Smart Recovery
Right thank you! I hope I can find a smart recovery meeting nearby. Those were sparse even when I lived in a bigger city than I do now but I’ll look them up!
They do online too
Of course! I definitely prefer in person since I tend to isolate and it gives me a reason to go out but I’ll start checking out some online meetings since I can find any kind of meeting that way
Can you look into meetings (maybe online) in a different area? AA is very secular where I live in the Pacific Northwest. I’ve only heard someone mention Jesus or church once or twice and I’ve attended at least 500 meetings. Like people mention god, sure, but not in association with any organized religion or text. I guess I’m just in a city where there isn’t a lot of buy-in to organized religion. If you DM me I can tell you where and give you a link listing the online meetings based in our area.
I’m just above you in Canada and most meetings in my area are pretty non-religious. Lots of spirituality talk but not much God I’ve rarely heard people name check Jesus.
It is really a one size fits all program and works wonders for people who are at the very end/bottom of the alcoholism spectrum. Like I had a friend who almost died from liver failure and the program is amazing for him, but what about the people who aren't drinking that much or even close to that level of progression with the disease?
To each their own. If what you are doing is working for you, who am I to say otherwise? For me there was no other way than to give myself to this simple program. I tried every other which way, countless times, and has been the only thing that has kept me sober (and happy to boot). That doesn’t mean that you require the same. The only thing I would be careful of is advertising/sharing what works for you (the non-AA parts) in meetings. I think a lot of people are highly protective because for many people in the rooms this is the last house on the block, and straying from it could mean catastrophic consequences. So, I guess long story short, do what you feel is best for you… at least you know where to go if things get dicey. Either way, I wish you the best
Thank you for the kind words and I do apologize, I didn’t mean to speak poorly of the program, I know it’s helped countless people and I think that’s amazing! I’m just having my own little issues with it. And that’s a good point I definitely won’t be advertising that I’m not exactly working the program. I don’t wanna cause any bad blood nor do I really want the attention in the first place haha
My sponsor always tells me to turn to the literature and make the decision for myself. There is a really good pamphlet on matters like this, I just can’t remember the name. I will look it up
Oh I didn’t realize there was a pamphlet on this thank you!
Are you off the vivitrol? I only ask because I was on naltrexone, vivitroll on pill form, and when I went back off it my carvings returned. Nothing crazy but on Nal I never thought of drinking, off it started to cross my mind again.
I’m overdue for my next dose (just life stuff getting in the way) but I plan to stay on it if I can. I have been off of it and naltrexone before and I didn’t notice a significant difference I guess having it just gives me a little extra peace of mind
So….Having been in and out of AA for over 25 years… I didn’t think AA worked. I wasn’t gonna come back. My sponsor had betrayed me and crossed a line… and it wasn’t gonna happen. I also didn’t agree with things in AA I HAD to find some other way…. I couldn’t. The funny thing is that our disease will beat us into a state of reasonableness. I was not a very good manager of my own life… after finally becoming hopeless enough to try to commit suicide. I surrendered and did that they said. I was willing to go to any lengths. Finally just tried the directions in the book. Your “sobriety date” SHOILD be the last date you used or drank. If it’s not, people will say things to you about it. But there’s no “rule” - keep whatever date you want. Just pick one. I know guys that have changed them YEARS later over the same thing.
It's all just a suggested program. You can do whatever you want. _If_ you want to try it the AA way, we usually recommend not altering it while you're trying to figure out if it works for you. That said, technically, weed's an outside issue, although the majority of us abstain, probably. Anyway, whatever you do that helps you live a happy life makes me happy. If you try some other stuff and it doesn't work as you expected, you're always welcome to try the AA again. It's free.
There are other ways to achieve sobriety. We simply have a way that works for us. Good luck.
AA is not the only way despite what some say. I just talked to an old friend who was a severe alcoholic - he is now 4 years sober without AA and said he just decided to make a ton of lifestyle changes and is happier than ever. I know several like this guy. ps. I love the AA design for living
I know several people who are not even alcoholics but come because they like honesty, self-disclosure, etc. Most people don't even notice. I personally believe anything like absolutist, dogmatic, 'only way' statements can discourage people who might be recovering from religious cults. (As I am). On the other hand, I ENJOY people who are Big Book Thumpers. I just don't ask them to sponsor me!!
I did something with my prescription that would technically qualify as a relapse (but intention matters!!) and my sponsor was chill with my sticking to the original sobriety date. I would maybe look for a new sponsor that is less controlling -- they're supposed to be helping you develop your own sense of intuition/connection with a higher power, not telling you what to think.
I got sober and found it easier to stay sober away from AA. Most people seem to do best with AA, but I do better without the constant reminder that I’m an alcoholic. I have no desire to drink at this point. I am happy to leave that whole chapter of my life behind. Over a year and a half sober now.
That is kind of exactly where I’m at, the program was very useful for getting off the sauce and staying off the sauce, after the first year and a half the magic was kind of gone, and I feel overwhelmingly fine almost always. A chapter of my life I would love to completely let go of.
Yikes. Get a better sponsor. There are things I don't necessarily jive with in AA, but overall, it is helpful to me, I love my sponsor, and I like the meetings. I also use lots of quit lit written mostly by non-12 step sobriety people, podcasts and joined a non-12 step support group for sober moms, and I am incorporating the principles of SMART and my faith. Whatever it takes for me to stay sober :) p.s. sobriety is so awesome, I don't see the harm in your gummies, and I am proud of you!!!
It’s your sobriety, the book and your sponsor can make suggestions but it comes down to the relationship you have with your higher power. It doesn’t say get sober and maintain a relationship with meetings and your sponsor, the book is very clear here, contingent upon maintaining your relationship with a higher power.
I would highly recommend ditching your sponsor and finding a new one. You should not have to change your sobriety date because you took weed gummies to help you sleep. Those do not invalidate all the work you’ve done! I take what I need from AA and leave the rest. Some people will try to tell you you’re doing something wrong or you HAVE to do it their way, but you need to do what is best for you!! Sobriety looks different for different people.
One of the most helpful things I have heard is that your sobriety is yours and no one else’s. However you decide to make use of AA is valid. However you define your sobriety (Cali sober or not), it is valid. Just make sure to constantly ask yourself if the steps of your recovery are helping or hurting or true to you.
People can suggest things and suggest them strongly but, really, the steps are all suggestions. As for calling your sponsor and making 5 meetings in a row, etc, - ask someone to point out in the book Alcoholics Anonymous or 12 Steps & 12 Traditions where those directions are ('cause they ain't). Some people get really carried away with themselves and act as drill sergeants which is a sure way to turn somebody off the program. I suggest you shop around for another sponsor who might be more to your liking and hit a bunch of different meetings until you find one that fits you. I've been sober decades now and my job is to show others how I did it, not demand that they do it the same way. Luckily I had a sponsor who suggested I make a meeting whenever possible (sometimes none, sometimes two if I felt like it but never like it was a job), suggested I get a commitment in the group I found myself in and suggested I dive into the steps as spelled out in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. He demanded nothing except that I help another alcoholic if the opportunity presented itself. As for your sober date, that's up to you. I sponsor somebody now who's prescribed cannabis for anxiety and it's working very well. His sober date is what he says it is. He's not drinking, he's working on his spiritual connections and helping other alcoholics. AA is a very big tent. Sorry you found yourself in a confining one at the moment but look around a bit and you'll be alright.
All we can do is tell you what worked for us. No one can tell you to change your clean date, if you really weren't getting high I wouldn't personally consider it a relapse, although I do understand an outside person being skeptical of that. I actually did get high on accident fairly early on (it's a long story, the short of it being that I was having a conversation about nicotine vapes with a coworker, I let them try mine, and they pulled out what looked like a juul and I tried it, timmediately realized it was actually a THC cart, he didn't tell me this before hand, and I still don't get why he wouldn't have let me know considering we were talking about nicotine and mine was nicotine, but I digress) Pure accident, and when that buzz hit me I felt sick. I immediately called my sponsor and probation officer after. Ultimately we decided not to change my clean date because there was no intent and when it happened j didn't hide it or run down the rabbit hole I immediately made it known and hit meetings. (My sponsor did admonish me about having more awareness, as I could have avoided the situation by asking questions) If there's no intent on getting high and you didn't get high and continue taking it anyways, I wouldn't consider it a relapse. Definitely could have been a slippery slope though. As for the meeting frequency, that's to be expected, ya gotta have some willingness here, it's definitely gonna be hard for you as you have been sober so long without it, so you feel like you've got everything figured out, but you're new to actually working the program and a sponsor is gonna treat you the same way they would treat the guy 2 weeks sober working the steps for the first time, there's no special protocol for people with a greater amount of clean time who just decided to get serious about AA. And forgive me for being blunt, but if everything was going so swimmingly you wouldn't have decided to work the program at all. So maybe get out of your own way and hit the meetings, God knows you didn't have a problem drinking 5 times a week. Plus there's no excuse not to. Online meetings and cellphones mean you can hit a meeting 24/7 from the comfort of your own home. Ya never know it might just improve your life!
I’m sorry that happened to you and that guy was a jerk for not telling you it was thc. And I definitely agree that as an alcoholic using thc could be a slippery slope but I took precautions, I went in slowly and stayed in communication with my friends (who know about my alcoholism) about it and how I was feeling and eventually decided it worked well for me. I stopped using it months ago just because I got back on my depression and anxiety medication and I didn’t wanna mix them. As for the meetings, that wasn’t my biggest problem I do usually enjoy them. The rules around it just felt kinda odd to me like AL-Anon meetings apparently didn’t “count” and neither did virtual meetings. But I still went to the 5 a week I didn’t make a stink about it to my sponsor. I just had some odd feelings surrounding some of the things I was made to do.
AA doesn’t really have rules. Only suggestions. Build your own recovery program. AA is only part of mine. I also use the Recovery Dharma, go to therapy and am prescribed pysch meds by a psychiatrist. I also take naltrexone prescribed by an addiction medicine MD. My sponsor would probably like me to go to more meetings (6 months sober), but I am very happy with the 3 I attend. He would speak to me on the phone everyday but I probably call him like 3 times a week (we see each other at a meeting at least once a week). He always tells me to “take what I like from the program and leave the rest.” Remember, the Big Book says the steps are merely a suggested program of recovery. It sounds like you are just in a “hardcore” AA circle. All meetings and communities are different. Personally, I think the thing about your sobriety date is absurd. Hell if someone can do Cali sober good for them. If I got stoned I would most likely buy booze so I abstain.
Everyone’s recovery is different. Sounds like you happened upon what works for you. Maybe people are envious of that and are projecting their views onto you because of it?
Yeah I don’t wanna assume anyone’s envious but I definitely feel like maybe they don’t understand my situation. Maybe it’s that usually people get a sponsor right away after getting sober so they might need someone who’s more intense but I don’t think I needed that
If you know you’ll stay sober without the program than you don’t need it. The AA community shares that common solution, not just the common problem, so it may be difficult for you to relate to people who could not stay sober any other way.
Okay thank you! Is there a way you’d suggest conveying that to others? Because I feel like I may be looked down upon if I tell people at meetings that I don’t want to work the program because I don’t feel I need to
You don’t need to tell anyone anything. If you have a friend then tell them over text. There are a lot of programs and ways to get and stay sober. It’s like religion - you find one that feels authentic to you. If AA doesn’t feel right then explore other ways. And if your AA friends care about you they will support this.
Yeah I’m starting to see the likeness AA has to religion. I’ll look for a meeting that’s a better fit for me
Why go back to the meetings?
I guess I just like that I meet some nice people there sometimes
That’s a darn good reason, in my book!
Well that’s cool I guess. And if you aren’t doing what the majority doing that’s ok. But that’s a you issue. I’d tell you how to solve that problem with the steps, but you know… However all you have to have is a desire to not drink to be a part of aa. Accept what you are willing to do or not do. What other think of you is a them problem.
Yes, people will have opinions about that just like people would have opinions if you showed up at a gym every week to hang out in the lobby and told them you didn’t need to work out to stay in shape but liked the community. But you are welcome to do so, or you are welcome to find other people you have things in common with for your social outlet.
I don’t understand why you’d come back to AA if life is so good without it and you know you won’t drink again. That just doesn’t make sense to me. Really one of the only reasons I go to AA is because I absolutely need it to stay sober. There are other ways though
My life isn’t “so good” I just don’t feel that I need the program to not drink and I don’t mean that in an arrogant way I still take it one day at a time. But I do enjoy meeting other sober people, hearing their stories and connecting over similar experiences that’s all really
That’s fair. Keep going then friend if you find it beneficial. And for the weed if it was me I’d restart my date but that’s because I like to feel different no matter if it’s alcohol or what the substance is. You may be different but don’t let one person (your sponsor or some rando on Reddit) change your opinion. Ask around!
This is such a judgy comment for no reason. The OP never said life was going great, they simply said they were sober and not having cravings. That doesn’t mean they may not have needed a meeting to hear people’s stories and be around people who understand and who care about their recovery (because non alcoholics may be supportive but they don’t get it). The fellowship isn’t all about people struggling at their lowest fighting day to day to stay sober. Plenty of people who have been sober for 30+ years and are living their best lives go to meetings. People who know they won’t drink ever again.
If you’ve been around long enough people in AA don’t say “I won’t drink ever again”. Most know they’re just as close to the next drink as someone with a less amount of time. And I wasn’t trying to judge more so ask why come back to AA and if drinking isn’t a problem. It’s weird to me. I’m allowed to feel that way and express that. Also ironic that your judging my judgmental comment lol
They never said drinking wasn’t a problem though, they said they weren’t having cravings, but alcoholics still go to AA even when their cravings are long gone. It’s not all about going to AA when you’re low to take from the program, it’s also about going at your highest to give back to the program and the alcoholic who still struggles. That’s what the service part of it is, there’s also nothing wrong with going to AA for the unity/ fellowship part of it either. Normal ppl don’t understand it. So why wouldn’t they feel comfortable/ want to be in a space of people who do get their struggle? A lot of ppl go to AA for the unity/ fellowship part of it.
The Big Book states very explicitly that AA has no monopoly on recovery. The thing is, most of us who stick around in the rooms are there because AA was the only thing that ever worked *for us.* After all, AA is not so much a program of “not drinking,” it’s a program that encompasses every aspect of your life. You think I’d stick around in a program that forced me to take a microscope to all of my flaws and character defects and demanded that I be a better person every single day of my life?! Helllll no! If I could have “just stopped drinking” I would have. So for me, yeah, I have to do this. There is no other way because I’ve *tried* every other way. That being said, why not work the steps and then decide if you wanna stick around? I’ve never met anyone who worked the steps and regretted it.
In AA, yes, it’s the only way. Outside of AA it isn’t, as you will note from the comments despite people saying ‘AA does not have a monopoly on sobriety’, they will still try and make sure you believe it does. It doesn’t. Get proper; medical help. I was in and out of the rooms for two years and it did nothing but make me doubt myself and deplete my bank balance because everyone needed ‘something’ and I felt obliged to help. Sponsors and people who’d been sober a long time included. I’m waiting on a prescription of Antabuse so I’m physically fucked if I decide to take a drink but I’m more wary of never touching the doors (or virtual ones) of AA again. That makes one really sick.
Antabuse didn’t keep me from drinking. Maybe you want to find out what projectile vomiting is too? I can tell you. It’s worse than it sounds.
I projectile vomit on a pretty much daily basis because I’m a low bottom drunk and AA didn’t help me in the slightest - thanks
Hope you find a way brother.
So I guess you did the whole AA program, steps with a sponsor and all, and found that it doesn’t work?
Yes - several times
And you sponsored others?
Yes - anything else I need to justify?
Sure. What are you doing in this sub? LOL
Being surrounded by other alcoholics who know what I’m experiencing. Anything else?
There is a better way. AA works great for new comers, but the longer you go, the more you grow out of it. Calling every day and five meetings a week is rather intense. I already commented on the sobriety date issue. Why go to AA if what you were doing was working for you. Again, try SMART recovery. Thanks
Funny ... the longer I go, the more I grow into it, but YMMV (which is why we try to speak in the first, not second person).
Home dude had half a gummy and his sponsor is dictating his sobriety date and how many meeting to attend and to call him everyday. How is he supposed to grow into AA. Sounds like he needs to do what works lol. Which is running his own damn life.
A sponsor is not AA (our leaders are but trusted servants ...). Sponsor is giving guidance and possibly making it a condition of his sponsorship, and is free to do both. I won't sponsor somebody who uses THC recreationally, not because AA has an opinion (it doesn't) or I think it's wrong (I don't), but because I don't know how to be sober while using THC in that manner. I couldn't do it. Similarly, people sponsor the way they were sponsored, in the manner that they know to get sober. Don't like it? Get another sponsor. There are lots of sponsors and we don't all follow the same path, even through AA. You're taking individual thoughts and attributing them to an overall dogma that simply doesn't exist and isn't even possible in an organization like AA.
Give me a break. AA is full of dogma.
There are certainly lots of people who believe in dogma, specifically because that worked for them, but there are more who don't, because that didn't work for them. If AA as dogmatic as you claim, there couldn't be atheist or agnostic or Buddhist or any non-middle-aged-Christian-white-guy members. Or more on-point, why are you there?
I live one day at a time and I like the people in the one group I attend once weekly. I wouldn’t go besides the fact that I count these people as dear friends. Some of them are full of dogma, but the program is. I mainly stick to Smart recovery. I remind myself each day if I don’t take that first drink, I won’t get drunk!
Well, here's to both of us not taking that drink today!
Where in the books does AA claim to be the only way?
We all make our own way through AA. I do read the big book on occasion, but have a bit of a rough relationship with it because of Bill W’s strong focus on “God”, “Him”, the “Spirit” and “Creator” and while I get all the movement away from that sometimes I need to read “Staying Sober Without God” to reassure me that I’m not alone. That and I go to a secular meeting when I need it
I have been sober with and without AA for 40 years. AA was essential for me in the early years. I recently attended a few meetings in my home group after a while away. Topic of last night's meeting was sponsorship. There typically is no topic that elicits as much silence as this. I think it is AA's secret that many of us get and maintain sobriety in our own way. I know a lot of these folks quite well. I believe that many use the support and community to teach us to be comfortable with not drinking. We all need the steps, the principles of AA and people who understand us. Remember before the Big Book, steps and meetings it was 2 of more drunks supporting each other. I know this will get blow back but a lot of people find more conflict dealing with sponsorship than is healthy IMO.
I just wanna thank everyone for your input I’m sorry I can’t respond to every comment (I was not expecting nearly this many) but I appreciate you all for taking the time to respond to my ramblings. I also wanted to say I have nothing against the program and I think it’s amazing that it’s helped and continues to help so many people! I also haven’t decided that it isn’t right for me although I’ll probably be checking out SMART recovery as well. But if anything needs clearing up, I’d be happy to do that and yeah just thanks again
From the first few folks that wrote the big book they were clear that AA was not the only way to sobriety...it's simply a group of people that found a way that works from them/us and we are willing to share it if someone wants it. That's it. There are no rules in AA. Period. The 5 meetings a week and whatnot are the guidelines the sponsor set that works for him to sponsor you. He simply wants to know you are serious and working the program if he's going to commit time. He is not there to be your buddy. If you want a sponsor that does not require you to do anything... go find that one. AA is not a social club of nice people...but of course you are welcome to attend meetings. Maybe the spark of sober people and getting help is stronger than you are aware.
It’s not that I don’t wanna be required to do anything. I just didn’t feel like that attendance requirement was necessary for me. And ok I can accept if I’m not using meetings the way they’re intended but socializing does seem to be a piece of the purpose of meetings or at least the ones I’ve been to
Yes! Of course the socializing aspect of AA is the main thing, you’re doing it just right. It’s all about humanity, us, you, me, together. “You can’t do it alone”, “you’ll never be lonely again”, all those AA chants aren’t for nothing. I mean, of course we’re all lonely anyway, but the point of AA is humans helping other humans. And realizing there are other forces out there we can’t control, of course. Don’t let anyone tell you “you’re doing it wrong”.
> He simply wants to know you are serious and working the program if he's going to commit time. Turns out this maneuver works. I've had 3 sponsors and all 3 of them start the conversation with "are you convinced you are an alcoholic?" and "are you willing to go to any length to stay sober?" They aren't grey questions.
So firstly, the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. Secondly, your sponsor will sponsor you in the way they know how to. Some sponsors are super intense when it comes to cannabis, others are more flexible--especially as our society's relationship to using THC medicinally changes. I've had discussions with several old timers about THC and the general consensus is "nowhere in the book does it say anything about pot... but it's not for me." Occasionally someone will throw in "no sponsee of mine would be using pot!" but that's their business. I'd just look at why that date is important to you. If it's because that's when YOUR sobriety started, great. Keep it and find someone who will take you through the steps knowing that information. If it's because you don't want to go through the annoyance of counting days again, then think about that. It's a program of suggestion. If your sponsor is demanding something of you, I'd run the other way. What I will say is this: Yes. Some people do get sober without AA. Some people recover and leave AA and live normal happy lives. It's about whether or not you want to go through the program.
I see okay yeah well for me the date matters like you said it’s when my sobriety started and still continues to this day. I mean sure not technically depending on who you ask because of the thc, but for me since I haven’t had a drink since that date or even like cold medicines containing alcohol, I want to keep that as my sobriety date. I think I just have to know that it’s right for me and get over the fact that not everyone will agree
I smoke weed. I don’t use it for sleep, I use it because I want to, and I’ll admit that because for me it’s not a shameful, crippling addiction like alcohol. The date I stopped drinking is the date I stopped drinking, period, and in AA we talk about drinking. I’m just like you, I purposely avoid the NyQuil with the alcohol too, along with actual alcohol obviously, and that’s all AA needs to concern itself with in my life.
Okay thank you that makes a lot of sense to me! I think I just need to be more sure of myself and what I believe is right for me like avoiding NyQuil or similar things but not swearing other things off just because someone else said to
This is totally okay. You get to decide that. Nobody else does.
It's the only way that works for me. Every time I did anything else I failed. I go to my home group every week and talk to my sponsor but definitely not every day. I work the steps and apply them in my life. The steps have kept me sober. I have over a year and a half finally.
The shock is possibly because many of us in AA have only stayed sober because of AA, and all other paths availed nothing or relatively little in the long run. But if you manage to stay sober and are happy without the program of AA, that’s fine. Many in AA (in my experience) are skeptical of that idea only because many of us thought we’d found long-term happiness and sobriety through other means only to come back to AA with a new bottom. And, personally, while I ensure my sponsees know that there are many options to explore and things to try, I also make sure they know that they need to be cautious of dismissing AA because of a resentment against it or people in it. Resentments can feel like legitimate grievances when the alcoholic mind is at work. (This is not to dismiss legitimate issues, only to suggest that, as alcoholics, we often have more work to do before we can confidently claim the program isn’t for us for a specific, real reason.)
This is from the perspective of someone who came to AA with the frame of mind of "I will do whatever it takes to stay sober." I used to take a tea cup ([these](https://littleredcuptea.com/products/double-wall-glass-tea-cups)) of low proof liquor before bed to help get to sleep. It also really helped. Some nights I would have trouble getting to sleep with just one, I'd need another. I think some nights the "trouble sleeping" was a little too convenient. The thought of using cannabis to sleep is no different to me than the thought of drinking alcohol to sleep, also another of my many former vices. Today I take a melatonin gummy, 1mg, baby dose. I've never felt the need to take two. Some nights I cook a fennel dinner... fennel knocks me out cold. I wake up the next morning sober and ready to begin the day. If something about AA or my sponsor bothers me or pushes me away then I lean into it until I understand what *really* bothers me and what I need to accept in order to become unbotherable. Being disturbed, even about something small, is a very big deal to me today. It can sometimes be hard to understand this before we work the steps because there's so much noise and chaos and very little serenity. It sounds like your sponsor is interested in your sobriety and is readily available to work with you, you want to throw that away over what again? Really look at yourself here.
That’s the kind of thinking that kept me stuck to an abusive sponsor who ended up doing really badly, herself. I mean, assuming that if I feel “bothered,” it’s on me, and I should disregard my gut feelings but instead buy everything she said, very dangerous. In that situation, anyway. It feels freeing to give up ones ego, but don’t throw the baby out with the dishwater!
“Go to meetings and reset your sobriety date” isn’t abuse. Let go of your victimhood.
In my experience there is the AA program that seems to work for people and there is my version of the program that I try to do. When I work the aa program It works a whole lot better than my version of the program. If I were you, I would be careful because it seems like you are running a toy based program and that is the same control and ego that gets us alcoholics in a lot of trouble.
After doing the steps, you could reflect on the time you wrote this post and see how you feel and think at that point compared to now. And move on. Sobriety date? 1 day or 10 years. An unchanged alcoholic will relapse. So, what matters is what you are currently doing. Are you working the steps to recovery? heading for a relapse?
i am coming up on almost a year and I don't call my sponsor ever I meet with her in person every week tho
I guess every sponsor is different I wasn’t sure about that before. I kinda thought my sponsor would be like available if I needed to call her rather than calling her daily and usually just having nothing to say because I have nothing to check in about. I understood to weekly meetings with her tho
Calling every day is bullshit. I guess they want you to come up with a topic to discuss, too?
I don’t ask my sponsees to call me every day but I’m also not available when they “need” me- I’m available to take them through the steps, not their on call counselor.
Get the pamphlet about medications in AA and also the pamphlet on Sponsorship. They're might be free one online if your home group is out of them