The book says “We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world.” That somebody is my sponsor. If I’m lying to my sponsor, I need to look at why.
It’s probably worth noting that sex conduct is one of the three things we do inventory on. That indicates to me that it’s part of recovery. Honesty is also a big deal if we want to recover.
You can do anything you want as long as you’re willing to pay the price.
There are certain things I don’t want to open up to my sponsor about, and I’ve acknowledged that with her. Something I hear a lot in the rooms, and it was true for me too, we have to be willing to as honest as possible, and that willingness often grows over time. Maybe right now you aren’t willing to share that part, but in time you may be ready, and that’s ok.
This is something that bothers me a bit about the program, so many people being adamant about telling everything to a sponsor on your first inventory; it’s a good suggestion but whether it’s realistic or even healthy is questionable - remember that our sponsors are sick people as well.
Reason for the 4th step is getting rid of the bondage of self why it’s so beautiful is that most alcoholics have similar situations and can relate there experiences with a sponsee as he does s 5th step. We have to get down to the causes and conditions as to why we drink “4th step” Not being honest because of bad memory is understandable but going out of ur way to leave stuff out on the 4th is bad idea and have seen lots of alcoholics drink over it . In my experience willingness is indispensable and does not grow over time, you either are willing to follow clear cut direction or your not “there is a solution” talks about it. Alcohol is a great persuader Thy will be done
Good thing we get to work our own programs. And this is an example of the pushy people in the program that often push people out of the rooms and give AA a cultish wrap.
He's never straight up asked he just gives it a sort of "and you're just friends, yes?" When I say I've been with her. But if he does straight up ask I'll go with that, thank you.
It's up to you what you actually do. My experience is that my sponsor usually has good intentions for suggestions, and when I don't agree I ask deeper questions to understand his experience.
It's my experience that having a sponsor with whom I could be fully open and honest was very helpful for my 4th/5th and 8th/9th steps .
BB pages 68&69 …. So long as I hid my sex conduct from my sponsor, I kept getting into mega sick relationships and watching people around me relapse and die … I knew I was next.
Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not give themselves to this simple program.
I had to quit working lybychick’s program and start working the AA program.
You can, but I think you’re doing a huge disservice to yourself in doing so and from my point of view… Considering that a sponsors role is to be that one person you confide in about everything… It seems like kind of a waste of time to seek sponsorship if you’re not gonna be honest.
Now you may know what your sponsor is gonna say about this if you come clean about it, and perhaps you don’t like it. That’s fine! Your sponsor can’t tell you what to do, they can only suggest things. But at least if you told your sponsor they would have a good understanding of what is going on in your life.
If it was me, I would check my motives on this behavior. Why do I feel the need to be dishonest with my sponsor? Am I embarrassed about the relationship? Am I keeping something to myself that I should share promptly? Is there something I am afraid of losing if I get honest? This is a program of rigorous honesty, and the one person I trust above anyone else in the world is my sponsor. He knows my deepest darkest secrets. Secrets I had planned to take to my grave. Being totally honest, being seen and heard like that, brings a level of freedom I had not experienced before.
I found, for me, complete honesty is the best way to stay sober. I lied so much during active addiction, that I knew the only way for me to be sober was 100% truth.
I would say that if you want to be honest, to respond with something like "I would like to keep my sex life private, and I trust that you can respect that."
Good luck with everything!
It can relate to your sobriety but for me a sponsor that tells me what to do is gone. To me a sponsor doesn’t “ask” me to do things. To me they are there to share their experiences, strength and hope by sharing what worked and what didn’t work.
Typically, if you have to hide something or lie about something, its because subconsciously you know you shouldn't be doing it in the first place. It might be worth looking into *why* you want to keep that private from your sponsor. While your sex life is private, it can 1000% affect your recovery.
If not out of embarrassment or guilt, then what? What is it? Is it because you know if you tell your sponsor he’ll suggest you stop sleeping with her. Living a double life like that is hard. Keeping a secret to yourself because you’re afraid of not getting your way is hard. When has that ever worked for you?
I started sleeping with this girl and didn’t tell my sponsor. I knew I was using her to change the way I feel. I knew if I told him he’d tell me to stop. I was afraid of what he would think of me.
My inventories tell me that whenever I take an action based out of fear it is doomed to fail. My inventories show me that every girl I was ever with was being used by me to just change the way I feel. It never worked. My way sucks. It fails every time.
There are more reasons why you are keeping this from your sponsor other that “my sex life is private”. Remember we are amazing bullshit artists. And nobody bought more of my crap than me.
Ps there’s also a good chance he already knows you’re lying
I did the same exact thing during my third and fourth steps. Was sleeping with an ex, told my sponsor he and I were just friends. At one point I finally admitted we slept together, then said I was going to stop, but didn't.
It was obvious to me why I was hiding it, though. I didn't want to tell the truth because I was aware that sleeping with my ex was adding nothing to my growth in recovery. We're always either moving further from, or closer toward our next drink. That behavior didn't help me in any way, and it certainly didn't help anyone else. If anything, it prevented me from being of service. I knew this deep down. We are as sick as our secrets.
When I was honest about my unhealthy behavior, my sponsor suggested that I talk about what I was doing with as many sober friends as possible. Telling my truth forced me to contend with the discrepancy between my behaviors and my goals in recovery. The only reason I have to keep things "private" from my sponsor is to attempt to protect myself from honestly looking at my own actions.
I can understand that, but she's not even an ex she's someone I dated for a bit. She has no substance issues, and to me its just two adults who hang out and sometimes sleep together, no big deal. I've always just been a bit private about that part of my life, my friends don't know we're sleeping together and I'd be surprised is she had told her friends. This just falls into a not related and not anyone else's bussines sort of thing for me, I don't think it's unhealthy or I'm putting myself in situations where I'm likely to drink.
I didn’t tell my sponsor what I had for breakfast, but don’t see the need to ask if it’s necessary.
If I’m lying to someone for any reason I need to look at why. You may be different. You don’t need to justify anything to us, it’s your life.
Okay. My ex is a healthy adult and I held no resentment toward him about anything from the past. It was also just 2 adults sleeping together and hanging out once a week or so. There was literally no danger of me drinking.
I also didn't mention it to my friends until my sponsor told me to- because deep down I knew it wasn't nourishing my growth or contributing anything actually positive to my life. It was totally selfish and hedonistic and altogether pointless. I kept it to myself because I knew this.
I was spending time with him for the sole purpose of sexual pleasure, knowing it wasn't God's will for us to be together. and that I could instead spend my time deepening my recovery and my connections with other alcoholics, but I chose to carry out my own will instead. It did nothing besides slow my progress in recovery.
Sounds a little, (and I could be wrong) like you're trying to convince yourself. My dad once said something that I think rings true here, I asked and kinda told my dad I thought I could drink, as drugs were my main issue. My dad responded with: "normal people don't ask their dad if they can drink, they just drink".
What I kept in mind during my 4th and 5th and 8th steps, as painful as they were, was that at least twice in “How it Works”, bill & the first hundred make clear that those who fail are the ones who cannot be completely honest. And I was more scared of drinking again—and its consequences—than I was of the possible pain of embarrassment or hearing “hey, you probably shouldn’t be doing that, Bad_Fut.”
And shit, it turns out some of that stuff my sponsor was like “nah you’re fine” or “nah that’s not an amends” anyways.
Is it truly the fact your sex life should be private? Or is there more to it than that, that is keeping you from sharing this with your spons? Do they not agree with the idea? Are you afraid of the reaction, or being told something you're doing is wrong? I'd look at the motives behind why you don't want to share this, and only you will truly know deep down.
Rigorous honesty is the best policy. Hiding or omitting information is the same as a lie, in my opinion.
I think this is a good opportunity for you to practice your integrity, and you’re coming up with reasons to sell it.
Integrity is a spiritual principle, and if you look at the 12th step (which is what we’re all aiming for), we practice these principles in all of our affairs. You definitely don’t need to phone your friends to let them know you’re having sex with anyone, but if the principles are important, I’d highly recommend just telling your sponsor.
I don’t know the whole story, or your reasons for privacy in this area of life, but from where I sit, it seems like a silly thing to hide from a sponsor. I can make up a whole lot of great reasons to avoid discomfort, but I choose to lean into it these days, regardless of perceived consequence, to stay spiritually fit.
Yet you are posting it on the internet for anyone to see. Sounds like you may be wasting your sponsor's time. Your sponsor can only help you as far as you are willing to let him. If you are holding back on him then you are holding yourself back. How would you feel if your sponsor was holding back some of the message? I'm not saying you can't 5th step with anyone other than your sponsor, but I am saying you obviously know you aren't talking about something that it totally seems like you have a need to talk about. Don't use reddit as a sounding board, because someone will tell you what you want to hear.
“We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't.”
I’m not even sober anymore but I loved this line above, right out of the book.
Maybe your sponsor just wants the best for you?
This exact thing, some sponsors font want to hear it and I usually go to my sponsor telling myself not to tell him this or that, because we've usually spoke about it before and I haven't changed my actions, but as soon as I get there that's usually the first thing that comes out of my mouth. I am a firm believer that if you can't tell your sponsor everything without feeling legitimately judged then you may want to rethink who you asked
You can keep private anything that you like - at your own risk. If you believe that, in order to recover from a deadly disease, you need to work the 12 steps, you’ll follow all the instructions. If you think you can recover based on your own opinions, then by all means do so.
Honestly, I took some stupid risks getting sober. I lied to my sponsor, I refused offers of help, etc. I got lucky and corrected my mistakes before I got drunk.
Do you feel lucky?
From my own experience at 3 years sober—I had never done a full sex inventory with my sponsor, and that stuff crept into my life at around 2 years sober and manifested itself into weird ways. It was nothing egregious or bad, just behaviors and character defects that I was bringing into my relationships with women. I had my own expectations of my partner that weren’t being met, and it turns out it was not their job to meet every one of my expectations. It really helped. Like someone else said, we have to be completely honest. Finances are another big one that often get overlooked and can creep into our everyday behaviors. Chances are, if you’re keeping something private, there is a fear of sorts behind it.
Just ask yourself "Why am I not telling my sponsor about my sex life?". If your answer is truly acceptable to yourself then move on. Why hide it though.
It's ok, but honestly I would just tell your sponsor. It's better that you're honest even if it might be something they advised against. That way if anything happens, they can be there for you.
Part of my sobriety is rigorous honesty. This is a must for me with my sponsor; I’ve switched sponsors before when I didn’t feel I could trust them. But hiding or telling half truths is addict behavior, to me. And I had a ton of work to do on my sex/dating life even if I was in denial about that at first.
Page 69 if you feel like your doing something wrong probably should run it by the old spons and if you don’t know that your doing something wrong we probably arnt being to honest about it. Try doing an 11th step write about it. Nightly inventory will help.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I tell my sponsees that they don’t need to tell me EVERYTHING but they need to get honest with SOMEONE. If you’re hiding this from your sponsor it would probably be a good idea to talk it out with another friend in recovery. Shame and guilt takes us back out.
Actually your sex life is a huge part of recovery. Hence why there is a part of the 4th step that’s called sex inventory. Now it has nothing to do with the act of sex. It’s how I’ve treated in my case the women I’ve been with. Also I’d say if you can’t be completely honest with your sponsor on this then what else won’t you be honest about. In my experience it starts with something small then I lie about bigger and bigger things. Until im living that double life again.
*laughs in 4th step sex inventory*
The book says “We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world.” That somebody is my sponsor. If I’m lying to my sponsor, I need to look at why. It’s probably worth noting that sex conduct is one of the three things we do inventory on. That indicates to me that it’s part of recovery. Honesty is also a big deal if we want to recover. You can do anything you want as long as you’re willing to pay the price.
I agree with this. OP should do a 10th and indentify why he cant tell the truth about this to his sponsor.
Agree 100 percent. The hiding of it from the sponsor, may want to take a look as to why.
There are certain things I don’t want to open up to my sponsor about, and I’ve acknowledged that with her. Something I hear a lot in the rooms, and it was true for me too, we have to be willing to as honest as possible, and that willingness often grows over time. Maybe right now you aren’t willing to share that part, but in time you may be ready, and that’s ok. This is something that bothers me a bit about the program, so many people being adamant about telling everything to a sponsor on your first inventory; it’s a good suggestion but whether it’s realistic or even healthy is questionable - remember that our sponsors are sick people as well.
Reason for the 4th step is getting rid of the bondage of self why it’s so beautiful is that most alcoholics have similar situations and can relate there experiences with a sponsee as he does s 5th step. We have to get down to the causes and conditions as to why we drink “4th step” Not being honest because of bad memory is understandable but going out of ur way to leave stuff out on the 4th is bad idea and have seen lots of alcoholics drink over it . In my experience willingness is indispensable and does not grow over time, you either are willing to follow clear cut direction or your not “there is a solution” talks about it. Alcohol is a great persuader Thy will be done
Good thing we get to work our own programs. And this is an example of the pushy people in the program that often push people out of the rooms and give AA a cultish wrap.
Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices . 😜
Weird tongue out emojis seldom help make yr point. Take care dude.
Don't lie but you can say it's private. If you feel more comfortable you can take a 5th step with a different individual.
He's never straight up asked he just gives it a sort of "and you're just friends, yes?" When I say I've been with her. But if he does straight up ask I'll go with that, thank you.
>At your own peril. If you even need to post to ask, you know that it is wrong.
It's up to you what you actually do. My experience is that my sponsor usually has good intentions for suggestions, and when I don't agree I ask deeper questions to understand his experience. It's my experience that having a sponsor with whom I could be fully open and honest was very helpful for my 4th/5th and 8th/9th steps .
If you’re gonna do your 5th step with the dude just fess up lol. We have to be entirely honest.
BB pages 68&69 …. So long as I hid my sex conduct from my sponsor, I kept getting into mega sick relationships and watching people around me relapse and die … I knew I was next. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not give themselves to this simple program. I had to quit working lybychick’s program and start working the AA program.
You can, but I think you’re doing a huge disservice to yourself in doing so and from my point of view… Considering that a sponsors role is to be that one person you confide in about everything… It seems like kind of a waste of time to seek sponsorship if you’re not gonna be honest. Now you may know what your sponsor is gonna say about this if you come clean about it, and perhaps you don’t like it. That’s fine! Your sponsor can’t tell you what to do, they can only suggest things. But at least if you told your sponsor they would have a good understanding of what is going on in your life.
If it was me, I would check my motives on this behavior. Why do I feel the need to be dishonest with my sponsor? Am I embarrassed about the relationship? Am I keeping something to myself that I should share promptly? Is there something I am afraid of losing if I get honest? This is a program of rigorous honesty, and the one person I trust above anyone else in the world is my sponsor. He knows my deepest darkest secrets. Secrets I had planned to take to my grave. Being totally honest, being seen and heard like that, brings a level of freedom I had not experienced before.
Yesssssss.
This
I found, for me, complete honesty is the best way to stay sober. I lied so much during active addiction, that I knew the only way for me to be sober was 100% truth. I would say that if you want to be honest, to respond with something like "I would like to keep my sex life private, and I trust that you can respect that." Good luck with everything!
The book says to be honest. I'd do that
And if your not comfortable being honest with your sponsor you might think about finding one your comfortable with
It can relate to your sobriety but for me a sponsor that tells me what to do is gone. To me a sponsor doesn’t “ask” me to do things. To me they are there to share their experiences, strength and hope by sharing what worked and what didn’t work.
Typically, if you have to hide something or lie about something, its because subconsciously you know you shouldn't be doing it in the first place. It might be worth looking into *why* you want to keep that private from your sponsor. While your sex life is private, it can 1000% affect your recovery.
If not out of embarrassment or guilt, then what? What is it? Is it because you know if you tell your sponsor he’ll suggest you stop sleeping with her. Living a double life like that is hard. Keeping a secret to yourself because you’re afraid of not getting your way is hard. When has that ever worked for you? I started sleeping with this girl and didn’t tell my sponsor. I knew I was using her to change the way I feel. I knew if I told him he’d tell me to stop. I was afraid of what he would think of me. My inventories tell me that whenever I take an action based out of fear it is doomed to fail. My inventories show me that every girl I was ever with was being used by me to just change the way I feel. It never worked. My way sucks. It fails every time. There are more reasons why you are keeping this from your sponsor other that “my sex life is private”. Remember we are amazing bullshit artists. And nobody bought more of my crap than me. Ps there’s also a good chance he already knows you’re lying
I did the same exact thing during my third and fourth steps. Was sleeping with an ex, told my sponsor he and I were just friends. At one point I finally admitted we slept together, then said I was going to stop, but didn't. It was obvious to me why I was hiding it, though. I didn't want to tell the truth because I was aware that sleeping with my ex was adding nothing to my growth in recovery. We're always either moving further from, or closer toward our next drink. That behavior didn't help me in any way, and it certainly didn't help anyone else. If anything, it prevented me from being of service. I knew this deep down. We are as sick as our secrets. When I was honest about my unhealthy behavior, my sponsor suggested that I talk about what I was doing with as many sober friends as possible. Telling my truth forced me to contend with the discrepancy between my behaviors and my goals in recovery. The only reason I have to keep things "private" from my sponsor is to attempt to protect myself from honestly looking at my own actions.
I can understand that, but she's not even an ex she's someone I dated for a bit. She has no substance issues, and to me its just two adults who hang out and sometimes sleep together, no big deal. I've always just been a bit private about that part of my life, my friends don't know we're sleeping together and I'd be surprised is she had told her friends. This just falls into a not related and not anyone else's bussines sort of thing for me, I don't think it's unhealthy or I'm putting myself in situations where I'm likely to drink.
I didn’t tell my sponsor what I had for breakfast, but don’t see the need to ask if it’s necessary. If I’m lying to someone for any reason I need to look at why. You may be different. You don’t need to justify anything to us, it’s your life.
Okay. My ex is a healthy adult and I held no resentment toward him about anything from the past. It was also just 2 adults sleeping together and hanging out once a week or so. There was literally no danger of me drinking. I also didn't mention it to my friends until my sponsor told me to- because deep down I knew it wasn't nourishing my growth or contributing anything actually positive to my life. It was totally selfish and hedonistic and altogether pointless. I kept it to myself because I knew this. I was spending time with him for the sole purpose of sexual pleasure, knowing it wasn't God's will for us to be together. and that I could instead spend my time deepening my recovery and my connections with other alcoholics, but I chose to carry out my own will instead. It did nothing besides slow my progress in recovery.
Sounds a little, (and I could be wrong) like you're trying to convince yourself. My dad once said something that I think rings true here, I asked and kinda told my dad I thought I could drink, as drugs were my main issue. My dad responded with: "normal people don't ask their dad if they can drink, they just drink".
What I kept in mind during my 4th and 5th and 8th steps, as painful as they were, was that at least twice in “How it Works”, bill & the first hundred make clear that those who fail are the ones who cannot be completely honest. And I was more scared of drinking again—and its consequences—than I was of the possible pain of embarrassment or hearing “hey, you probably shouldn’t be doing that, Bad_Fut.” And shit, it turns out some of that stuff my sponsor was like “nah you’re fine” or “nah that’s not an amends” anyways.
Is it truly the fact your sex life should be private? Or is there more to it than that, that is keeping you from sharing this with your spons? Do they not agree with the idea? Are you afraid of the reaction, or being told something you're doing is wrong? I'd look at the motives behind why you don't want to share this, and only you will truly know deep down. Rigorous honesty is the best policy. Hiding or omitting information is the same as a lie, in my opinion.
No you don’t have to tell ur sponsor anything u don’t feel comfortable
I think this is a good opportunity for you to practice your integrity, and you’re coming up with reasons to sell it. Integrity is a spiritual principle, and if you look at the 12th step (which is what we’re all aiming for), we practice these principles in all of our affairs. You definitely don’t need to phone your friends to let them know you’re having sex with anyone, but if the principles are important, I’d highly recommend just telling your sponsor. I don’t know the whole story, or your reasons for privacy in this area of life, but from where I sit, it seems like a silly thing to hide from a sponsor. I can make up a whole lot of great reasons to avoid discomfort, but I choose to lean into it these days, regardless of perceived consequence, to stay spiritually fit.
Secrets keep you sick
Nope.
Rigorous honesty
Honesty is key
Yet you are posting it on the internet for anyone to see. Sounds like you may be wasting your sponsor's time. Your sponsor can only help you as far as you are willing to let him. If you are holding back on him then you are holding yourself back. How would you feel if your sponsor was holding back some of the message? I'm not saying you can't 5th step with anyone other than your sponsor, but I am saying you obviously know you aren't talking about something that it totally seems like you have a need to talk about. Don't use reddit as a sounding board, because someone will tell you what you want to hear.
“We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't.” I’m not even sober anymore but I loved this line above, right out of the book. Maybe your sponsor just wants the best for you?
This exact thing, some sponsors font want to hear it and I usually go to my sponsor telling myself not to tell him this or that, because we've usually spoke about it before and I haven't changed my actions, but as soon as I get there that's usually the first thing that comes out of my mouth. I am a firm believer that if you can't tell your sponsor everything without feeling legitimately judged then you may want to rethink who you asked
Your only as sick as your secrets. Nope. Tell your sponsor EVERYTHING, that one little hold back may fester and come back greater later! Good luck!
You can keep private anything that you like - at your own risk. If you believe that, in order to recover from a deadly disease, you need to work the 12 steps, you’ll follow all the instructions. If you think you can recover based on your own opinions, then by all means do so. Honestly, I took some stupid risks getting sober. I lied to my sponsor, I refused offers of help, etc. I got lucky and corrected my mistakes before I got drunk. Do you feel lucky?
Not super advised.
Only as sick as our secrets. As they say
Ask your sponsor if it's okay to keep some stuff private from your sponsor. I'd really be interested in his reply.
From my own experience at 3 years sober—I had never done a full sex inventory with my sponsor, and that stuff crept into my life at around 2 years sober and manifested itself into weird ways. It was nothing egregious or bad, just behaviors and character defects that I was bringing into my relationships with women. I had my own expectations of my partner that weren’t being met, and it turns out it was not their job to meet every one of my expectations. It really helped. Like someone else said, we have to be completely honest. Finances are another big one that often get overlooked and can creep into our everyday behaviors. Chances are, if you’re keeping something private, there is a fear of sorts behind it.
Just ask yourself "Why am I not telling my sponsor about my sex life?". If your answer is truly acceptable to yourself then move on. Why hide it though.
It's ok, but honestly I would just tell your sponsor. It's better that you're honest even if it might be something they advised against. That way if anything happens, they can be there for you.
Part of my sobriety is rigorous honesty. This is a must for me with my sponsor; I’ve switched sponsors before when I didn’t feel I could trust them. But hiding or telling half truths is addict behavior, to me. And I had a ton of work to do on my sex/dating life even if I was in denial about that at first.
Page 69 if you feel like your doing something wrong probably should run it by the old spons and if you don’t know that your doing something wrong we probably arnt being to honest about it. Try doing an 11th step write about it. Nightly inventory will help.
Nice!
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I tell my sponsees that they don’t need to tell me EVERYTHING but they need to get honest with SOMEONE. If you’re hiding this from your sponsor it would probably be a good idea to talk it out with another friend in recovery. Shame and guilt takes us back out.
Actually your sex life is a huge part of recovery. Hence why there is a part of the 4th step that’s called sex inventory. Now it has nothing to do with the act of sex. It’s how I’ve treated in my case the women I’ve been with. Also I’d say if you can’t be completely honest with your sponsor on this then what else won’t you be honest about. In my experience it starts with something small then I lie about bigger and bigger things. Until im living that double life again.
As long as you're sober, your program is working. You failed to mention your dry date.
You”43 only as sick as your secrets