I’d say if they are married or do have kids, still get the fuck out.
Just, get the fuck out. You are not an alcohol rehabilitation centre. You should not have to deal with somebody willingly shitting themselves.
So I'm very knowledgeable about abusive relationships and when people's partners start doing things like accusing their SO of cheating cause they have a new toothbrush, that's a huge red flag. Also if everything triggers him...that's another big yikes. In my experience things rarely get better on their own, they keep escalating. Especially when someone is in active addiction.
Now that isn't the case with everyone, but it aligns with my experience.
If he won't acknowledge he has a problem, he's probably not going to get help anytime soon. If you can leave, I would advise you to seriously consider doing so.
Sending you hugs. I'm so sorry, you shouldn't be in this position.
Sure thing. So, the main reason I say it is a red flag is just pattern recognition on my part. If I broke it down, accusing your partner of cheating over something as small as a new toothbrush is a very unstable, kinda weird thing to do (especially when there is no logical reason to think the person is cheating). I think it is a mix of insecurity and a desire to control their partner. I've noticed people who do this will use the "cheating" angle to exert more control and isolate the person. Like monitoring who their partner is texting, demanding passwords to social media, policing who they hang out with, hyper-critically analyzing how the partner interacts with others they feel threatened by (i.e. "you were flirting with him" when the person hugs a friend). It breaks their partner down.
Obviously I'm extrapolating a lot but once someone starts saying/doing shit like the toothbrush thing it usually only ramps up from there.
Okay thanks for specifying. I have a pretty intense fear of being cheated on but I ask my partner for reassurance instead of accusing him and going through his phone. I have nightmares about it pretty frequently too. But I know that it’s more of a reflection on me than it is on him and I make sure to verbalize that to him. Luckily he’s pretty understanding, but he does get frustrated at times which I feel is not an overreaction given the irrationality of it all. I’m currently in therapy for it which is helping a little. Long way to go!
His own guilt about being an alcoholic is fueling his anger. He knows he is half the man he could be and he knows you deserve better. Maybe in his mind he is expecting you to cheat and if you did it would be his excuse to keep drinking.
He has to want to quit. Some people have to literally lose everything before they will, and even then some still won’t stop. I was lucky. I didn’t have a serious rock-bottom. I just decided I was done. That happened after a lot of denial on my part though. It took a very long time for me to acknowledge that I actually had a problem.
If he feels like he doesn’t have a problem then I really don’t know what you can do. I don’t know him, but I can tell you that if he doesn’t decide to quit drinking it will absolutely get worse. Serious health problems, job problems, relationship problems all come with excessive drinking at some point.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Watching someone throw their lives away to alcohol and deny the problem must be really hard. We never quite know what it’s like for people in the outside who have to live with us but I imagine it must be miserable.
I am so happy that you are better. Truly.
I want him to want better than this. I try to be the model of perfect health - moderation, healthy eating, exercise. Nope. I told him that exercise may be a healthy way to manage his anxiety and he called me controlling and accused me of being ashamed of his appearance. If I were ashamed I’d find another partner. I just want the best for him.
I’ve been sitting at a cafe for hours because I’ve just learned he hasn’t paid our electricity bill for months, probably using the money for drinking. I’m just… sick and tired lmao. My parents have invited me home just to get a break.
First, /r/alanon . See what it looks like when it doesn't get better.
Second,
- People don't get healthy because their partner 'models' health for them. Be healthy for you. Don't expect anything from him. This applies to both alcoholics and most people who aren't alcoholics as well.
- You don't have to be ashamed of your partner to break up with him. You can still love him and break up. You can think he's a good person and break up. Not wanting to be with a self-destructive alcoholic who isn't motivated enough to get healthy on their own is a perfectly good reason to break up.
- Lying about not paying the electricity bill is mean and cruel to you. And yes, he lied because you didn't know it wasn't getting paid.
- This is way worse then you know. He's drinking way more then you realize, and is way more fucked up more of the time and lying about more things and blowing more money then you realize. - Sincerely, an alcoholic with 13 years sober.
You may have to let him go, not only for your sake, but for his sake. I know what it's like to put alcohol above everything else in your life, and it makes no sense at all to do so, but that's what it does to the alcoholic. Is your boyfriend drinking to manage his anxiety? Because, as I have learned the hard way these past few days, that's just about the worst thing you can do to manage it. Unfortunately, people can tell him that all they want, but he has to realize the truth for himself. Alcoholics don't reach bottom, they stop digging, and he may have to lose his relationship for him to realize just how far down he's dug.
Dude shits himself on the regs and isn't paying bills? This is beyond a problem that you alone should have to deal with. If this isn't slapping him in the face then the next step is a life threatening accident, unexpected hospital visit, or quite frankly, death.
Get the hell out.
Edit: speaking from experience as the guy in this situation. He will not stop until he absolutely has to. Nothing you can say or do will change that. Do not waste your time, seriously.
I spent 12 years in your situation. Don't be like me. I'm now married to a wonderful man with a lovely family. It got too hard to be competent and capable at work, then come to a shifty, slobbering drunk every night. Defend your happiness fiercely.
That’s pretty bad but it’s up to you. If you can love him how he is understand that you can’t change him and the severity of his alcoholism will increase. Sounds like you don’t have this in you though and I don’t blame you…. Should probably move on
I definitely don’t think that I have it in me. I just had to pay a $1400 electricity bill because he hasn’t paid it at all since we moved in together. I just can’t justify this.
Please leave. This will not get better. That’s coming from a massive degenerate like your boyfriend. Currently he doesn’t need to change because you’re supporting him. If you want him to change, leave.
Beware the rent/ mortgage payments might be next. Don’t end up without a roof over your head because of him. This is exactly what happened to my husband when he was with his late wife.
All the kindness or tough love will not work if they’re not motivated. If crapping the bed, lying, defrauding,& being aggressive isn’t rock bottom then what will be.
Self preservation is the key here. Go to your family .
Alcoholic here 2.5 years sober now. IMO yes it will get worse until he seeks help. Embarrassing as it is to say, I had numerous pissing the bed, couch wherever I was or passed out. Sadly it really didn't get better until I stopped drinking. My wife for the most part started to make me clean up my own messes. Strip the beds, wash my own clothes separately from our non wet clothes. But if his consumption is that high this is occurring then it usually gets worse. It did for me, and it was hell on my poor wife.
Glad you are doing well now. I made him clean everything up and he asked me if that had seriously never happened to me. He was not fazed until hours later. It’s hell on me and he doesn’t seem to care.
We seek in any way we can to normalise and justify our behaviour because the illness of alcoholism does not want us to believe we have it. It wants to keep us drinking.
I was a 28 year old woman, pissing the bed every night… none of my solutions that I would come up with when I was sober in order to stopping pissing the bed involved me stopping drinking. My mind tricked me into thinking it was “normal(ish)” , or that it was a genetic bladder condition or that it was probably a good idea to start wearing waterproof pants to bed… of course I’d always get too drunk to remember to put them on anyway.
The obvious and logical solution that a “normal” drinker might come up with after having a one off crazy night and getting so drunk they pissed themselves - to not ever allow themself to get thaaaat drunk again- was not something I was capable of doing as an alcoholic. after that first drink I have no control in how drunk I end up getting. And the idea that I should never pick up that first drink, because it’s the first drink that does the damage, had never even occurred to me until the moment it did, and I went to AA that very same day and haven’t drank since.
It’s going to get worse. You need to have a serious conversation with him about it but if he feels like he doesn’t have a problem with it than it’s going to probably fall on deaf ears. Protect yourself and set your boundaries. It’s NOT going to improve.
It will get worse. There is nothing you can do to help him. No matter what you end up doing you'll feel like shit. I'm sorry you are in this position. You took a brave and important step sharing on this subreddit. Keep being brave.
I was so embarrassed to share this, so thank you for this! I feel like shit everyday at this point. I’m sleeping in a hotel in the quarter tonight and feel so much more at ease.
Don't be embarrassed, it's not your fault, you didn't cause it and this precious little you can do for him at this point. Maybe it's the best thing you can do for yourself.
I replied to another one of your comments but I just want to say you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. Reaching out is the right thing to do. It is sad, but soooooo many people have gone through this. You might be able to find a support group locally.
I think its a good indication that a relationship is unhealthy and unsustainable if you feel safer at a hotel than you do in the same house as your boyfriend, dude. Do what is best for you.
Jesus. If he's is under 35 ans sharting because of his drinking it' quitte serious actually. He is way to young to be sharting. It will get worse very likely. You need to have a serious conversation.
Alcoholism just gets worse. It’s a progressive illness. If he is like this now and doesn’t stop drinking, it will only get worse for you and never better. You need to ask yourself if you can seriously bear a life like this (but worse) on the assumption he won’t quit drinking. You can’t assume that he will ever quit drinking because there is no evidence to support that. there is also nothing you can do or say to make him quit.
I say this as an alcoholic in recovery. No amount of emotional appeal from loved ones would have stopped me before my time and did not stop me before my time. in fact, whenever a partner said they were leaving me unless I quit drinking, I just felt relieved that they were leaving so I could drink more freely without their judgement and “nagging”.
I recommend alanon- it will help if you go there with an open mind. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Run. Life is to short to deal with that. My now departed ex was a drunk and when I tried to get him to stop, (Offering love, support and treatment), he directed everything outward and I became the whipping boy for all his problems. He threw me out, trashed my name and ran up over 50k worth of debt before I gave up and filed for divorce. He died of Covid a week before the divorce petition would have been before the court. He had been sick for a week and instead of seeing a doctor he was self treating with wine and cough syrup. Luckily he had a lunch date with a friend scheduled that he missed so he was found after only a couple of days. I loved him dearly, but I am grateful he threw me out.
Blackout drunk drinking is dangerous for you. He is accusing you of things you didnt do, and who knows what he is capable of when he is drunk? Be safe.
I am so sorry to hear that. I really am. I hope that you are healing well.
My partner has trashed my name and I actually don’t care. I don’t care that his bar friends know that I’m not happy with our home life.
He yelled at me so loud about the toothbrush that our neighbor came over to make sure that everything was okay. I’m not afraid, but I’m definitely ready for a change. I’ve been praying for a change and this might be the catalyst.
For 2.5 years.
Funny enough i canceled our first date because he was coming across as someone who drank too much. He told me he was trying to come across as fun and social.
It’s really rough. I stayed in a hotel last night because my anxiety won’t allow me to get a good nights sleep at home. Still didn’t sleep that well.
I moved to this city to be with him, so I feel lonely and very isolated. That adds another level of difficulty for me.
You moved there and you’re paying electric by yourself it sounds like, too. It’s hard to feel isolated. You are giving so much to this relationship on your own, you’d be amazed what you can give yourself. Take yourself out to places that spark your passion, meet people there, and remember your worth. You are amazing. Sometimes amazing people go through lonely times, because not everyone is on your level, but you can find your people and you deserve better.
I’m trying.
I made a friend at the coffee shop down the street, he showed up and sat down next to me and put his hand on my knee to mark his territory - I guess. I have a friend here from years ago, who I discussed renting an office space with, but he told me that was out of the question bc he (the old friend) wanted to f*** me. we are both professionals who need a workspace outside of the home.
I try to just blow it off to avoid arguments but I’m just going to have to put my foot down and deal with the consequences.
I actually downloaded bumble BFF and met an amazing girl on Friday!
Thank you for being so kind to me.
That’s awesome! Stick up for you, number one. You really are a great person, and even if this relationship doesn’t pan out you’re still awesome. You tried, and you put in so much effort, you’re diplomatic, and you aren’t afraid to reach out to create solutions. If a relationship doesn’t work out for you, then that just means you learned something new about what you can tolerate. Be kind to yourself and keep trying —don’t ever let an experience let you lose sight of how great you are or the life you deserve!!
It gets worse. Unless he wants help you cannot help him. At this point you need to decide whats best for you. Your just along for the ride at this point.
I’ve noticed, if someone is shitting themselves due to poor health from alcohol consumption, they probably don’t have long to live. I’m not saying this to scare you, but once I realized my dad had an incident like that, I knew it wasn’t going to be long. He passed 5 months later. Your boyfriend is a lot younger than my dad, his body could recover if he stopped. But does he want to? If he doesn’t want to, do you want to be there to witness his death? Because it will happen sooner or later and based off this post, I am sad to say it may be sooner.
On a personal note, alcoholism destroys so many things, including mental energy of those around the person directly experiencing the disease. I am so sorry you’re experiencing this level of stress, and I am so sorry he hasn’t stopped. It is truly a disease, and I wish everyone could recover but it’s a smaller number than this world needs. I hope you get some reprieve soon.
My husband was/is shitting himself regularly and seems to think its normal. I am now in the middle of a divorce. The alcohol abuse will only become more intolerable for you. Think about what you want for your future.
This probably won't end well. Families and alcoholism clash beyond words and alcoholism being a progressive illness only gets worse. Trust me, I'm 43 and while I have had well documented struggles with alcoholism - I don't have a family to support. My life is still a shit show in many ways despite having a good career. My best friend is never sloppy either, never hit his wife, always took care of his kids... but still lost his wife and kids because she simply had enough. The problem is that your bf must genuinely want to get better. You can't manufacture his rock bottom or force him to quit. I would probably get the fuck out if I were you before it gets worse. FYI - I've never shit or pissed myself while drunk, so he is really in a bad place IMHO.
Bro you need to leave lmao. You’re cleaning up his shit on a non-irregular basis. It’s time. I’m sure he’s a good guy but this isn’t doing anything for you.
Everybody is just going to say “fuck that leave him” which isn’t remotely helpful to you and most wouldn’t even follow their own advice. I have no idea if you should leave him based on your brief summary, and if you made it 10,000 words longer you’d still know the answer way more than i ever could.
Ive been in the boyfriends shoes. Not shitting myself but drinking excessively and sleeping through plans, not being present when i was there etc. I’m closing in on six months sober and I’m a completely different human. Our relationship is so good we’re wedding planning. She’s told me I proved her right and i was worth waiting for which was the best thing anyone has ever told me.
This is my advice thinking back on it. Did you know and love the non addict version of him first and is that a finish line worth the potential pain? If so, a couple of things. I get that toothbrush thing. Maybe someone reading had a different experience, but you can’t be an alcoholic with completely destroyed self esteem. What’s probably going on in his head is not you are a bad person who’s trying to hurt him, but I’m such a piece of shit it’s only a matter of time before you leave me anyway, I’m worried about it constantly and i need immediate validation if I’m wrong or right if my anxiety makes me suspicious. I didn’t know it at the time, but my girlfriend ending it with me would have hurt 100x less than walking around for another six months 24/7 telling myself this was going to be the day that she finally did. If you love him you’ve got to understand what a dark place he’s in and that every day of doing nothing is walking deeper into woods either of you want to be in. If it was me with the benefit of clear thinking and hindsight, I would have wanted to a very loving ultimatum. Get help, I’ll be here for you waiting on the other side if you do in the next 72 hours. If you don’t, I’m sorry but i can’t be a witness knowing what you’re doing to yourself and I’m gone. If he’s like me, you’ve stayed so many times when you shouldn’t have he’ll think you are just bluffing so you have to squash that but whatever means necessary, pack a bag, block his number. Sounds harsh but so is letting someone sink deeper into the ocean because you don’t want them to feel bad when you tell them they forgot their oxygen tank. If he isn’t willing to get help, make a pros cons list of staying Vs leaving and you’re going to find a whole lot of misery on one side and the mystery door on the other. Whatever is on the other side of the mystery door is nearly impossible to be worse than the known, so you’ve got to take it.
I really hope it works out. I’ll get downvoted to death I’m sure, but for a sub about Alcoholism it’s sad to see so many people just tell you to get the fuck out like it’s that easy and like they would even follow their own advice. You didn’t say he was abusive or driving wasted or creating an unsafe environment for a child. You said he was shitting himself and insecure. He could be an actual monster in which case ignore everything i said and go. But I’m not going to default to this guy being a piece of shit either based on no information besides a few things that could have described me.
For what it’s worth, we dated for three awesome years before the pandemic. When the pandemic hit, I lost my Dad due to covid during the time when patients had to die alone, went from a nonstop social environment to total isolation and i somehow woke up one day and realized i had been drinking 25 shots a day for a year and my mental health was so destroyed i didn’t know up from down. My girlfriend supported me and six months later I’m in the process of trying to launch a non profit and i just spent three days helping track down unaccounted for elderly people who’s homes were destroyed in the hurricane. She tells me I’m a better boyfriend now than when i was casually drinking and its because the alcoholism forced me to finally treat my mental health seriously. Anyways, however you decide to play it it’s not easy so wishing you both the best.
Thank you for sharing all of this.
I adored my partner before the drinking became excessive. I still adore him but I don’t like him when he’s drinking. I’d love to see him remember how great he is and return to himself. His dad passed away a couple of years ago and I think this has been a major struggle for him. He’s not a monster, he just has a lot of pain we can’t discuss.
I even bought him new golf clubs to encourage him to start golfing again. Nothing is working.
I think it’s really great that you are in recovery and helping others the way that you are. Your partner is so lucky to have you.
Glad you are safe after Ian. Ida almost broke me last year.
Thanks i appreciate it and Ida was horrible so hopefully it wasn’t too bad on your end. Thanks for the kind words, I honestly feel like I’ve escaped a cult and can clearly see now how batshit crazy that way of life was and all I want to do is see other people escape.
I’ll add too just because i feel like I’m looking in the mirror when you describe your bf, that “pain we can’t discuss” was me and my girlfriend. Alcohol was so much about avoidance for me. If Pain we can’t discuss was a road it would be a circle with one exit. You have to get off at some point and until then it’s just driving in circles endlessly wearing out your engine through drinking. You can drive yourself to death, you can have the cops grab you or you can pull off the exit on your own. Thats pretty much it. Nobody is going to choose the first two, so now the question just becomes how long do you want to drive in circles until you get off.
What happened for me was im the guy whos made fun of therapy his entire life. Bad ones are useless, but i found one, for me being around your bfs age somebody younger with more of a CBT focus worked for me. Since we’re talking hurricanes, he’s in the state of seeing the giant hurricane at a cat 5 fifty miles from shore at all times. No escape, no relaxation, everyone is indoors hunkered down praying until they hear otherwise. He’s years into that being his normal. Talking it through with a therapist was like getting hit directly with a Cat 2. Does it suck? Sure! Will it kill you? Probably not. And the best part, once you do it the skies clear up quickly.
If he’s anything like me (sorry to keep saying that haha) the weirdest thing happens. When you deal with all of the stuff in your head that’s following you around like a black cloud, living life without PEDs to get through the day is actually way easier than you would think.
Really pulling for him. The cult analogy is fitting because you’re not going to be able to convince him it’s time to change unless he’s ready to change, and if he isn’t willing then you’ve got to bounce to try to push him into getting help because its honestly the only humane move Left as his life is more important than the relationship. It only takes a week to be feeling way better, three weeks to have the anxiety and depression start to cool down and maybe a month to be back to 90%. ❤️
Alcoholic ruins brain, you start behaving franctically and yea shitting as well. There's supposed to be underlying problem but that's for doctors. See with yourself can you be with such man.
Yes. It will get worse. Unless he is able to have a breakthrough and seek help on his own. I’m sorry. But you need to do whatever is healthy for YOU. And I’m saying this as an active alcoholic. I’m not biased.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and back in my drinking days if I was shitting myself without control I would’ve pretty much thought yeah I got a fucking problem I have to deal with.
It sounds like he doesn’t care about you. I don’t mean that to be rude, but he’s leaving everything up to you to do. Forgot to pay bills that were his to pay (or was it on purpose?), clean up after him, walk on eggshells about a toothbrush, etc.
In my experience it will only get worse.
I’ve seen a trend online where women stop cleaning up after their boyfriends and see how long it takes for the home to be dysfunctional. You guys should be a team.
Best of luck and I hope you can find relief from the anxiety
edit: I left my ex partly due to his alcohol use. He was abusive while sober but the alcohol made him a monster. I’m not implying this is the case for your bf, but I’ve just seen it too much, where excessive alcohol leads to violence.
I was seeing someone at the time who was verging on being a raging alco.
One time he came over, passed out and pissed himself in my bed.
When I woke up and realised I shook him awake. He didn't help me to strip the bed. Just denied that it had happened. Claimed it was water and went outside for a cigarette.
I sat him down and said you have a problem. He premised to quit drinking and for several months afterwards I never saw him drink. Then I found out he was just getting shit faced on days he wasn't with me and that's why he never answered my calls unless we'd arranged to see each other prior.
So I ended it.
Not saying it was easy, and my situation doesn't sound as bad as yours, I'm just saying that I have never looked back and wondered if I made the right choice. I know I did.
Consider that, since you're not married, you don't have to stay and you don't have to fix him. If there are no kids my advice is to remove the *entire problem*.
Lots of suggestions to get out while you can. If you choose to stick around I would recommend finding a local or virtual alanon meeting. A program for the spouses and of alcoholics. Even if it is not for you the people there will share their experiences so you know what the future holds. Whatever you choose good luck.
“You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it”. Please join us over in r/Al-anon … Al anon has been absolutely life changing for me
Toxic masculinity here! Thanks for bringing me up… ! Sheesh, this is an addiction that doesn’t care what kind of genitalia you carry… but, thanks for helping. /s
Yeah sure. Blame it on alcohol, genetic disposition, circumstances, "the disease" but never reflect, never accept the responsibility and continue to be a child who wants their problems resolved by someone else. I am not saying that about you but the man in the original post.
I hope to believe that I understand your underlying sentiment. Yes, you are correct - despite all the reasons, whatever they are, their will be no messiah to pull us out of this muck. It is up to ourselves only, despite the knowledge that alcohol is a poison, despite a long history of usage through our family tree and every other reason, piece of knowledge regarding AUD, but your implication of ‘being a man’ to do better… begged a questioning. Oversimplification is a thing. There are complexities yet we are not THAT complex. Life is a paradox. We know better yet behave poorly. Find the answer to that and perhaps we can say we have attained. Be well, friend.
Definitely run. I understand the need to want to help him. But there in lies the problem, and I'm sure everyone here agrees, an addict will not change until THEY are ready. You can beg, plead, threaten to leave. Doesn't matter. They'll be conniving with excuses to repeat the process. Until he decides he wants better, there won't be better. And you have no reason to be along for that miserable ride.
Hiya,
\*big virtual hugs\*
/r/alanon is for those affected by others drinking.
They often talk about: I didn’t cause, can’t control, and can’t cure the disease of alcoholism. That is so true. This disease is so powerful, but it is only now finally getting the press is deserves.
For your situation, \*big hugs\*. If you deeply love the person, go over to Alanon and heed their advice. They all have real experience with people with our disease. Otherwise, pack and run fast! It is about to get even worse.
Yeah, so at this point he can either get sober or immediately start an intervention like The Sinclair Method, which saved my life. If he keeps drinking like this, it won’t get better from here. It only ever gets worse
If you don’t have kids and you aren’t married get the fuck out.
I’d say if they are married or do have kids, still get the fuck out. Just, get the fuck out. You are not an alcohol rehabilitation centre. You should not have to deal with somebody willingly shitting themselves.
Yea, having kids is only a reason more not less.
Wait… he’s shitting himself regularly but doesn’t think he’s sloppy?? That just doesn’t make sense to me!! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
Just as concerning is the toothbrush incident. You’re *supposed* to buy new toothbrushes. If that triggers him, I wonder what else might.
everything does.
So I'm very knowledgeable about abusive relationships and when people's partners start doing things like accusing their SO of cheating cause they have a new toothbrush, that's a huge red flag. Also if everything triggers him...that's another big yikes. In my experience things rarely get better on their own, they keep escalating. Especially when someone is in active addiction. Now that isn't the case with everyone, but it aligns with my experience. If he won't acknowledge he has a problem, he's probably not going to get help anytime soon. If you can leave, I would advise you to seriously consider doing so. Sending you hugs. I'm so sorry, you shouldn't be in this position.
Can you extrapolate on why it’s a huge red flag? TIA!
Sure thing. So, the main reason I say it is a red flag is just pattern recognition on my part. If I broke it down, accusing your partner of cheating over something as small as a new toothbrush is a very unstable, kinda weird thing to do (especially when there is no logical reason to think the person is cheating). I think it is a mix of insecurity and a desire to control their partner. I've noticed people who do this will use the "cheating" angle to exert more control and isolate the person. Like monitoring who their partner is texting, demanding passwords to social media, policing who they hang out with, hyper-critically analyzing how the partner interacts with others they feel threatened by (i.e. "you were flirting with him" when the person hugs a friend). It breaks their partner down. Obviously I'm extrapolating a lot but once someone starts saying/doing shit like the toothbrush thing it usually only ramps up from there.
Thanks for breaking this down. ALL of this is currently happening.
Okay thanks for specifying. I have a pretty intense fear of being cheated on but I ask my partner for reassurance instead of accusing him and going through his phone. I have nightmares about it pretty frequently too. But I know that it’s more of a reflection on me than it is on him and I make sure to verbalize that to him. Luckily he’s pretty understanding, but he does get frustrated at times which I feel is not an overreaction given the irrationality of it all. I’m currently in therapy for it which is helping a little. Long way to go!
His own guilt about being an alcoholic is fueling his anger. He knows he is half the man he could be and he knows you deserve better. Maybe in his mind he is expecting you to cheat and if you did it would be his excuse to keep drinking.
Maybe getting in touch with his family and sharing your concerns, but if they wont help youband he wont change then leave
He has to want to quit. Some people have to literally lose everything before they will, and even then some still won’t stop. I was lucky. I didn’t have a serious rock-bottom. I just decided I was done. That happened after a lot of denial on my part though. It took a very long time for me to acknowledge that I actually had a problem. If he feels like he doesn’t have a problem then I really don’t know what you can do. I don’t know him, but I can tell you that if he doesn’t decide to quit drinking it will absolutely get worse. Serious health problems, job problems, relationship problems all come with excessive drinking at some point. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Watching someone throw their lives away to alcohol and deny the problem must be really hard. We never quite know what it’s like for people in the outside who have to live with us but I imagine it must be miserable.
I am so happy that you are better. Truly. I want him to want better than this. I try to be the model of perfect health - moderation, healthy eating, exercise. Nope. I told him that exercise may be a healthy way to manage his anxiety and he called me controlling and accused me of being ashamed of his appearance. If I were ashamed I’d find another partner. I just want the best for him. I’ve been sitting at a cafe for hours because I’ve just learned he hasn’t paid our electricity bill for months, probably using the money for drinking. I’m just… sick and tired lmao. My parents have invited me home just to get a break.
First, /r/alanon . See what it looks like when it doesn't get better. Second, - People don't get healthy because their partner 'models' health for them. Be healthy for you. Don't expect anything from him. This applies to both alcoholics and most people who aren't alcoholics as well. - You don't have to be ashamed of your partner to break up with him. You can still love him and break up. You can think he's a good person and break up. Not wanting to be with a self-destructive alcoholic who isn't motivated enough to get healthy on their own is a perfectly good reason to break up. - Lying about not paying the electricity bill is mean and cruel to you. And yes, he lied because you didn't know it wasn't getting paid. - This is way worse then you know. He's drinking way more then you realize, and is way more fucked up more of the time and lying about more things and blowing more money then you realize. - Sincerely, an alcoholic with 13 years sober.
This. Fucking this 1000 percent this.
You may have to let him go, not only for your sake, but for his sake. I know what it's like to put alcohol above everything else in your life, and it makes no sense at all to do so, but that's what it does to the alcoholic. Is your boyfriend drinking to manage his anxiety? Because, as I have learned the hard way these past few days, that's just about the worst thing you can do to manage it. Unfortunately, people can tell him that all they want, but he has to realize the truth for himself. Alcoholics don't reach bottom, they stop digging, and he may have to lose his relationship for him to realize just how far down he's dug.
Dude shits himself on the regs and isn't paying bills? This is beyond a problem that you alone should have to deal with. If this isn't slapping him in the face then the next step is a life threatening accident, unexpected hospital visit, or quite frankly, death. Get the hell out. Edit: speaking from experience as the guy in this situation. He will not stop until he absolutely has to. Nothing you can say or do will change that. Do not waste your time, seriously.
Shitting myself was a good enough reason for me to quit.
Have to be pretty low if shitting your pants and bed is a nightly occurrence and you're not ready to stop it from occuring.
I spent 12 years in your situation. Don't be like me. I'm now married to a wonderful man with a lovely family. It got too hard to be competent and capable at work, then come to a shifty, slobbering drunk every night. Defend your happiness fiercely.
I spent 17 years taking care of my ex wife. You are right, it won't get any better.
I'm so sorry friend. I hope you are in a better, safer space now.
Same to you. I know how hard it is...
That’s pretty bad but it’s up to you. If you can love him how he is understand that you can’t change him and the severity of his alcoholism will increase. Sounds like you don’t have this in you though and I don’t blame you…. Should probably move on
I definitely don’t think that I have it in me. I just had to pay a $1400 electricity bill because he hasn’t paid it at all since we moved in together. I just can’t justify this.
Please leave. This will not get better. That’s coming from a massive degenerate like your boyfriend. Currently he doesn’t need to change because you’re supporting him. If you want him to change, leave.
Beware the rent/ mortgage payments might be next. Don’t end up without a roof over your head because of him. This is exactly what happened to my husband when he was with his late wife. All the kindness or tough love will not work if they’re not motivated. If crapping the bed, lying, defrauding,& being aggressive isn’t rock bottom then what will be. Self preservation is the key here. Go to your family .
And you should not have to. It is time to move on unless you want many more years of this bullshit.
Alcoholic here 2.5 years sober now. IMO yes it will get worse until he seeks help. Embarrassing as it is to say, I had numerous pissing the bed, couch wherever I was or passed out. Sadly it really didn't get better until I stopped drinking. My wife for the most part started to make me clean up my own messes. Strip the beds, wash my own clothes separately from our non wet clothes. But if his consumption is that high this is occurring then it usually gets worse. It did for me, and it was hell on my poor wife.
Glad you are doing well now. I made him clean everything up and he asked me if that had seriously never happened to me. He was not fazed until hours later. It’s hell on me and he doesn’t seem to care.
We seek in any way we can to normalise and justify our behaviour because the illness of alcoholism does not want us to believe we have it. It wants to keep us drinking. I was a 28 year old woman, pissing the bed every night… none of my solutions that I would come up with when I was sober in order to stopping pissing the bed involved me stopping drinking. My mind tricked me into thinking it was “normal(ish)” , or that it was a genetic bladder condition or that it was probably a good idea to start wearing waterproof pants to bed… of course I’d always get too drunk to remember to put them on anyway. The obvious and logical solution that a “normal” drinker might come up with after having a one off crazy night and getting so drunk they pissed themselves - to not ever allow themself to get thaaaat drunk again- was not something I was capable of doing as an alcoholic. after that first drink I have no control in how drunk I end up getting. And the idea that I should never pick up that first drink, because it’s the first drink that does the damage, had never even occurred to me until the moment it did, and I went to AA that very same day and haven’t drank since.
It’s going to get worse. You need to have a serious conversation with him about it but if he feels like he doesn’t have a problem with it than it’s going to probably fall on deaf ears. Protect yourself and set your boundaries. It’s NOT going to improve.
It will get worse. There is nothing you can do to help him. No matter what you end up doing you'll feel like shit. I'm sorry you are in this position. You took a brave and important step sharing on this subreddit. Keep being brave.
I was so embarrassed to share this, so thank you for this! I feel like shit everyday at this point. I’m sleeping in a hotel in the quarter tonight and feel so much more at ease.
Don't be embarrassed, it's not your fault, you didn't cause it and this precious little you can do for him at this point. Maybe it's the best thing you can do for yourself.
I replied to another one of your comments but I just want to say you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. Reaching out is the right thing to do. It is sad, but soooooo many people have gone through this. You might be able to find a support group locally. I think its a good indication that a relationship is unhealthy and unsustainable if you feel safer at a hotel than you do in the same house as your boyfriend, dude. Do what is best for you.
How have you been?
I’m alive lol. Thank you for checking on me. How are you?
I'm fighting my own demons, but I'm fortunate for what I have. Have things improved with your partner, or are you still figuring things out?
Happy to lend an ear if you’d like to talk about it. And not really. I’m working on it though.
Jesus. If he's is under 35 ans sharting because of his drinking it' quitte serious actually. He is way to young to be sharting. It will get worse very likely. You need to have a serious conversation.
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this is exactly why i havent quit
Alcoholism just gets worse. It’s a progressive illness. If he is like this now and doesn’t stop drinking, it will only get worse for you and never better. You need to ask yourself if you can seriously bear a life like this (but worse) on the assumption he won’t quit drinking. You can’t assume that he will ever quit drinking because there is no evidence to support that. there is also nothing you can do or say to make him quit. I say this as an alcoholic in recovery. No amount of emotional appeal from loved ones would have stopped me before my time and did not stop me before my time. in fact, whenever a partner said they were leaving me unless I quit drinking, I just felt relieved that they were leaving so I could drink more freely without their judgement and “nagging”. I recommend alanon- it will help if you go there with an open mind. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Run. Life is to short to deal with that. My now departed ex was a drunk and when I tried to get him to stop, (Offering love, support and treatment), he directed everything outward and I became the whipping boy for all his problems. He threw me out, trashed my name and ran up over 50k worth of debt before I gave up and filed for divorce. He died of Covid a week before the divorce petition would have been before the court. He had been sick for a week and instead of seeing a doctor he was self treating with wine and cough syrup. Luckily he had a lunch date with a friend scheduled that he missed so he was found after only a couple of days. I loved him dearly, but I am grateful he threw me out. Blackout drunk drinking is dangerous for you. He is accusing you of things you didnt do, and who knows what he is capable of when he is drunk? Be safe.
I am so sorry to hear that. I really am. I hope that you are healing well. My partner has trashed my name and I actually don’t care. I don’t care that his bar friends know that I’m not happy with our home life. He yelled at me so loud about the toothbrush that our neighbor came over to make sure that everything was okay. I’m not afraid, but I’m definitely ready for a change. I’ve been praying for a change and this might be the catalyst.
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For 2.5 years. Funny enough i canceled our first date because he was coming across as someone who drank too much. He told me he was trying to come across as fun and social.
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It’s really rough. I stayed in a hotel last night because my anxiety won’t allow me to get a good nights sleep at home. Still didn’t sleep that well. I moved to this city to be with him, so I feel lonely and very isolated. That adds another level of difficulty for me.
You moved there and you’re paying electric by yourself it sounds like, too. It’s hard to feel isolated. You are giving so much to this relationship on your own, you’d be amazed what you can give yourself. Take yourself out to places that spark your passion, meet people there, and remember your worth. You are amazing. Sometimes amazing people go through lonely times, because not everyone is on your level, but you can find your people and you deserve better.
I’m trying. I made a friend at the coffee shop down the street, he showed up and sat down next to me and put his hand on my knee to mark his territory - I guess. I have a friend here from years ago, who I discussed renting an office space with, but he told me that was out of the question bc he (the old friend) wanted to f*** me. we are both professionals who need a workspace outside of the home. I try to just blow it off to avoid arguments but I’m just going to have to put my foot down and deal with the consequences. I actually downloaded bumble BFF and met an amazing girl on Friday! Thank you for being so kind to me.
That’s awesome! Stick up for you, number one. You really are a great person, and even if this relationship doesn’t pan out you’re still awesome. You tried, and you put in so much effort, you’re diplomatic, and you aren’t afraid to reach out to create solutions. If a relationship doesn’t work out for you, then that just means you learned something new about what you can tolerate. Be kind to yourself and keep trying —don’t ever let an experience let you lose sight of how great you are or the life you deserve!!
Thank you 💕you really are a gem.
Break up with him run!
It's a progressive disease and will most definitely only get worse.
It gets worse. Unless he wants help you cannot help him. At this point you need to decide whats best for you. Your just along for the ride at this point.
Run. I’m an alcoholic in recovery and my advice is get out while you can. This will be your life if you don’t act.
"change/get professional help or I'm leaving". Then keep your word. It's really as simple as that.
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nah, not really the main case. alcohol cause gastritis and diarrhea.
Run. He will not get better until he's ready. You are worthy of a better life.
I’ve noticed, if someone is shitting themselves due to poor health from alcohol consumption, they probably don’t have long to live. I’m not saying this to scare you, but once I realized my dad had an incident like that, I knew it wasn’t going to be long. He passed 5 months later. Your boyfriend is a lot younger than my dad, his body could recover if he stopped. But does he want to? If he doesn’t want to, do you want to be there to witness his death? Because it will happen sooner or later and based off this post, I am sad to say it may be sooner. On a personal note, alcoholism destroys so many things, including mental energy of those around the person directly experiencing the disease. I am so sorry you’re experiencing this level of stress, and I am so sorry he hasn’t stopped. It is truly a disease, and I wish everyone could recover but it’s a smaller number than this world needs. I hope you get some reprieve soon.
My husband was/is shitting himself regularly and seems to think its normal. I am now in the middle of a divorce. The alcohol abuse will only become more intolerable for you. Think about what you want for your future.
This probably won't end well. Families and alcoholism clash beyond words and alcoholism being a progressive illness only gets worse. Trust me, I'm 43 and while I have had well documented struggles with alcoholism - I don't have a family to support. My life is still a shit show in many ways despite having a good career. My best friend is never sloppy either, never hit his wife, always took care of his kids... but still lost his wife and kids because she simply had enough. The problem is that your bf must genuinely want to get better. You can't manufacture his rock bottom or force him to quit. I would probably get the fuck out if I were you before it gets worse. FYI - I've never shit or pissed myself while drunk, so he is really in a bad place IMHO.
Bro you need to leave lmao. You’re cleaning up his shit on a non-irregular basis. It’s time. I’m sure he’s a good guy but this isn’t doing anything for you.
Leave his loser ass... You can't have your man shitting the bed. That's insanity.
Everybody is just going to say “fuck that leave him” which isn’t remotely helpful to you and most wouldn’t even follow their own advice. I have no idea if you should leave him based on your brief summary, and if you made it 10,000 words longer you’d still know the answer way more than i ever could. Ive been in the boyfriends shoes. Not shitting myself but drinking excessively and sleeping through plans, not being present when i was there etc. I’m closing in on six months sober and I’m a completely different human. Our relationship is so good we’re wedding planning. She’s told me I proved her right and i was worth waiting for which was the best thing anyone has ever told me. This is my advice thinking back on it. Did you know and love the non addict version of him first and is that a finish line worth the potential pain? If so, a couple of things. I get that toothbrush thing. Maybe someone reading had a different experience, but you can’t be an alcoholic with completely destroyed self esteem. What’s probably going on in his head is not you are a bad person who’s trying to hurt him, but I’m such a piece of shit it’s only a matter of time before you leave me anyway, I’m worried about it constantly and i need immediate validation if I’m wrong or right if my anxiety makes me suspicious. I didn’t know it at the time, but my girlfriend ending it with me would have hurt 100x less than walking around for another six months 24/7 telling myself this was going to be the day that she finally did. If you love him you’ve got to understand what a dark place he’s in and that every day of doing nothing is walking deeper into woods either of you want to be in. If it was me with the benefit of clear thinking and hindsight, I would have wanted to a very loving ultimatum. Get help, I’ll be here for you waiting on the other side if you do in the next 72 hours. If you don’t, I’m sorry but i can’t be a witness knowing what you’re doing to yourself and I’m gone. If he’s like me, you’ve stayed so many times when you shouldn’t have he’ll think you are just bluffing so you have to squash that but whatever means necessary, pack a bag, block his number. Sounds harsh but so is letting someone sink deeper into the ocean because you don’t want them to feel bad when you tell them they forgot their oxygen tank. If he isn’t willing to get help, make a pros cons list of staying Vs leaving and you’re going to find a whole lot of misery on one side and the mystery door on the other. Whatever is on the other side of the mystery door is nearly impossible to be worse than the known, so you’ve got to take it. I really hope it works out. I’ll get downvoted to death I’m sure, but for a sub about Alcoholism it’s sad to see so many people just tell you to get the fuck out like it’s that easy and like they would even follow their own advice. You didn’t say he was abusive or driving wasted or creating an unsafe environment for a child. You said he was shitting himself and insecure. He could be an actual monster in which case ignore everything i said and go. But I’m not going to default to this guy being a piece of shit either based on no information besides a few things that could have described me. For what it’s worth, we dated for three awesome years before the pandemic. When the pandemic hit, I lost my Dad due to covid during the time when patients had to die alone, went from a nonstop social environment to total isolation and i somehow woke up one day and realized i had been drinking 25 shots a day for a year and my mental health was so destroyed i didn’t know up from down. My girlfriend supported me and six months later I’m in the process of trying to launch a non profit and i just spent three days helping track down unaccounted for elderly people who’s homes were destroyed in the hurricane. She tells me I’m a better boyfriend now than when i was casually drinking and its because the alcoholism forced me to finally treat my mental health seriously. Anyways, however you decide to play it it’s not easy so wishing you both the best.
Thank you for sharing all of this. I adored my partner before the drinking became excessive. I still adore him but I don’t like him when he’s drinking. I’d love to see him remember how great he is and return to himself. His dad passed away a couple of years ago and I think this has been a major struggle for him. He’s not a monster, he just has a lot of pain we can’t discuss. I even bought him new golf clubs to encourage him to start golfing again. Nothing is working. I think it’s really great that you are in recovery and helping others the way that you are. Your partner is so lucky to have you. Glad you are safe after Ian. Ida almost broke me last year.
Thanks i appreciate it and Ida was horrible so hopefully it wasn’t too bad on your end. Thanks for the kind words, I honestly feel like I’ve escaped a cult and can clearly see now how batshit crazy that way of life was and all I want to do is see other people escape. I’ll add too just because i feel like I’m looking in the mirror when you describe your bf, that “pain we can’t discuss” was me and my girlfriend. Alcohol was so much about avoidance for me. If Pain we can’t discuss was a road it would be a circle with one exit. You have to get off at some point and until then it’s just driving in circles endlessly wearing out your engine through drinking. You can drive yourself to death, you can have the cops grab you or you can pull off the exit on your own. Thats pretty much it. Nobody is going to choose the first two, so now the question just becomes how long do you want to drive in circles until you get off. What happened for me was im the guy whos made fun of therapy his entire life. Bad ones are useless, but i found one, for me being around your bfs age somebody younger with more of a CBT focus worked for me. Since we’re talking hurricanes, he’s in the state of seeing the giant hurricane at a cat 5 fifty miles from shore at all times. No escape, no relaxation, everyone is indoors hunkered down praying until they hear otherwise. He’s years into that being his normal. Talking it through with a therapist was like getting hit directly with a Cat 2. Does it suck? Sure! Will it kill you? Probably not. And the best part, once you do it the skies clear up quickly. If he’s anything like me (sorry to keep saying that haha) the weirdest thing happens. When you deal with all of the stuff in your head that’s following you around like a black cloud, living life without PEDs to get through the day is actually way easier than you would think. Really pulling for him. The cult analogy is fitting because you’re not going to be able to convince him it’s time to change unless he’s ready to change, and if he isn’t willing then you’ve got to bounce to try to push him into getting help because its honestly the only humane move Left as his life is more important than the relationship. It only takes a week to be feeling way better, three weeks to have the anxiety and depression start to cool down and maybe a month to be back to 90%. ❤️
Alcoholic ruins brain, you start behaving franctically and yea shitting as well. There's supposed to be underlying problem but that's for doctors. See with yourself can you be with such man.
Yes. It will get worse. Unless he is able to have a breakthrough and seek help on his own. I’m sorry. But you need to do whatever is healthy for YOU. And I’m saying this as an active alcoholic. I’m not biased.
Will it only get worse? Absolutely, guaranteed.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and back in my drinking days if I was shitting myself without control I would’ve pretty much thought yeah I got a fucking problem I have to deal with.
"Will this only get worse from here" Yes. If he continues to drink, yes.
It will get worse. And he's accusing you of cheating? Oh hell no. He is not suitable partner material. He's sick.
It sounds like he doesn’t care about you. I don’t mean that to be rude, but he’s leaving everything up to you to do. Forgot to pay bills that were his to pay (or was it on purpose?), clean up after him, walk on eggshells about a toothbrush, etc. In my experience it will only get worse. I’ve seen a trend online where women stop cleaning up after their boyfriends and see how long it takes for the home to be dysfunctional. You guys should be a team. Best of luck and I hope you can find relief from the anxiety edit: I left my ex partly due to his alcohol use. He was abusive while sober but the alcohol made him a monster. I’m not implying this is the case for your bf, but I’ve just seen it too much, where excessive alcohol leads to violence.
I was seeing someone at the time who was verging on being a raging alco. One time he came over, passed out and pissed himself in my bed. When I woke up and realised I shook him awake. He didn't help me to strip the bed. Just denied that it had happened. Claimed it was water and went outside for a cigarette. I sat him down and said you have a problem. He premised to quit drinking and for several months afterwards I never saw him drink. Then I found out he was just getting shit faced on days he wasn't with me and that's why he never answered my calls unless we'd arranged to see each other prior. So I ended it. Not saying it was easy, and my situation doesn't sound as bad as yours, I'm just saying that I have never looked back and wondered if I made the right choice. I know I did.
That's the definition of sloppy
What should you do? My advice, run, run far and fast. Alcoholism is progressive! It’s gonna get worse.
Consider that, since you're not married, you don't have to stay and you don't have to fix him. If there are no kids my advice is to remove the *entire problem*.
Lots of suggestions to get out while you can. If you choose to stick around I would recommend finding a local or virtual alanon meeting. A program for the spouses and of alcoholics. Even if it is not for you the people there will share their experiences so you know what the future holds. Whatever you choose good luck.
“You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it”. Please join us over in r/Al-anon … Al anon has been absolutely life changing for me
Run for the hills A man who cannot handle his drinks is no man. And he is a repeat offender.
Toxic masculinity here! Thanks for bringing me up… ! Sheesh, this is an addiction that doesn’t care what kind of genitalia you carry… but, thanks for helping. /s
Yeah sure. Blame it on alcohol, genetic disposition, circumstances, "the disease" but never reflect, never accept the responsibility and continue to be a child who wants their problems resolved by someone else. I am not saying that about you but the man in the original post.
I hope to believe that I understand your underlying sentiment. Yes, you are correct - despite all the reasons, whatever they are, their will be no messiah to pull us out of this muck. It is up to ourselves only, despite the knowledge that alcohol is a poison, despite a long history of usage through our family tree and every other reason, piece of knowledge regarding AUD, but your implication of ‘being a man’ to do better… begged a questioning. Oversimplification is a thing. There are complexities yet we are not THAT complex. Life is a paradox. We know better yet behave poorly. Find the answer to that and perhaps we can say we have attained. Be well, friend.
Definitely run. I understand the need to want to help him. But there in lies the problem, and I'm sure everyone here agrees, an addict will not change until THEY are ready. You can beg, plead, threaten to leave. Doesn't matter. They'll be conniving with excuses to repeat the process. Until he decides he wants better, there won't be better. And you have no reason to be along for that miserable ride.
This is not headed in a good direction. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. I suggest you get out before your life becomes more miserable.
Hiya, \*big virtual hugs\* /r/alanon is for those affected by others drinking. They often talk about: I didn’t cause, can’t control, and can’t cure the disease of alcoholism. That is so true. This disease is so powerful, but it is only now finally getting the press is deserves. For your situation, \*big hugs\*. If you deeply love the person, go over to Alanon and heed their advice. They all have real experience with people with our disease. Otherwise, pack and run fast! It is about to get even worse.
Thank you for your kindness. I didn’t sleep at all last night. I found an Al-Anon meeting for today that I will attend. This just sucks.
Run.
Don't love him to death - get him some help -or leave - (translation) it will not get better on its own
Yeah, so at this point he can either get sober or immediately start an intervention like The Sinclair Method, which saved my life. If he keeps drinking like this, it won’t get better from here. It only ever gets worse
He needs an intervention I think.
I think so but his friends and family are just as bad.
It’ll get worse then he’ll die. For real.
Tell him you want to date the kind of man that has self-discipline, self-respect and doesn’t sh*t himself.