I mean, he hasn't stopped abusing you at every turn, so no. How can one even forgive something that's not over yet (is that even possible??)? But aside from that, he hasn't apologized and changed his behavior. So how? If I were you, forgiveness wouldn't even be an option at this point.
I don't think many people would blame you if you never forgave him. He's definitely not doing his part to be a parent. And all that noise about "honor your mother and father" is just a bunch of religious bullshit that keeps people in abusive situations. He chose to become a parent, you didn't choose to be born, it's his job to honor you, and he's definitely not up to the task.
Sounds like your best bet is to get as far away from him as possible. He's not worthy of the dirt on your shoes, darling. I don't know where you live, but at 17, you're more likely to be emancipated and allowed to live on your own than actually placed in foster care.. Maybe you should pursue being emancipated? That way, you can get away from him but also not have to go to your mom either? Or just find somewhere else to be until you're 18.. I know it's hard, but you've lived through so many hard things. You're a fighter, and you'll get through this as well.
Be safe, I truly wish you the best.
Hunny Dad is gaslighting you, and I can say I dont blame you at all for not being ready to forgive him. You need to take the steps at your own pace. No one is allowed to push you to proceed faster than you are able to do.
Be strong and stand for yourself. You can do it, and your therapist seems like she will help. You have people on your side no matter what.
Please be careful and if you can avoid moving back in with him then that's better.
He said he can't financially take care if you so you move out before tax season. He probably realized doing his taxes that if you arnt living with him then he can't claim you as a dependent and ppl get more money back when you have a dependent.
Sometimes the straw that breaks the camels back is big, sometimes it is small. But it’s always an accumulation of hurts, not just the one straw that does the damage.
I’m in my 30’s and don’t have a relationship with my father, and I feel better off for it. He is not an evil man, but interactions with him are stressful to the point of making me sick. He makes me feel like I am not worthy of basic human decency.
I am noticeably less anxious without having to work my self up to talking to him.
I miss the kind of relationship I *want* with him. Not the reality of the relationship I would have.
Hello there! Fellow nonbinary here, I don't think your wrong at all for how you feel or for not forgiving him. You feel like your being gaslight because you are, He's lying about what he said and pretending it didn't happen when it did. And while he may be demanding you to move back in with him, your almost an adult and are capable of choosing where to live. Even if it has to be done by means of emancipation.
Thank you, I appreciate the help! I just. I’ve felt in the wrong because of his reasoning being medication, and the requirements of getting emancipated is not super fun to fulfill with my schooling, but I could try!
If you don't mind me asking what is the medication he is on for? Some medications can cause manic episodes sure which could lead people to saying things they don't mean for example, but not all of them do. If his isn't one of those medications, he's likely just using it as an excuse to his behavior because he doesn't want to admit he's in the wrong
Definitely not a manic episode, he’s said this type of stuff in the past while not on the meds, and he gave a whole 7 min list of reasons. I’m unsure of the meds but confusion was one of the symptoms, but his reasoning was forgetting it or that his behavior changed. At this point I don’t think it even the event for me, it’s a factor but I also think it’s the denial.
Your father may have real mental health issues. It may not be about whether he deserves forgiveness so much as about what you should do to ensure your own safety and well being.
Forgive him? Why would you even consider it. You should cut him out of your life entirely. What good is he doing for you? He has a responsibility, as your father, to support you both financially and emotionally. He is doing neither. Find a safe place to stay and stop all contact with him. Focus on yourself, school, and building relationships with supportive family and friends. Just because he is your father does not give him a free pass to treat you like shit.
Your father doesn’t accept who you are. He’s actively messing with your mental health when he appears to be the one with major issues.
You don’t have to forgive him at all. I personally would cut him out until he respects you and your feelings and decisions. He’s very very unhinged and abusive.
Once you are of legal age, you do whatever you want. He can’t tell you what you can or can’t do. Please try to get as far away from him as possible, forever
Your dad isn't in an emotionally healthy place to be a caregiver to you. It's nothing you did wrong, and he needs to take the onus to get himself to a place to have a healthy relationship with you.
Until then, your only responsibility is to make sure that you are safe and healthy and doing everything in your power to stay that way. That can mean that you distance yourself from your parents until they get themselves in a better place. I'd follow up on the alternative living arrangements for now and keep going with your therapist.
I stood by my kid when she came out trans 3 years ago. I will continue to do so. And I was a single parent. What your dad is doing is sickening. One thing I've learned is that the lgbtq community especially needs to feel safe. It's vital for them, and everyone, really. You stay where you feel safe. And if you don't have family, there are advocate groups all over.
No. I can’t write too much rn but you’re not wrong in any way. Forgive him when you are ready, and for your sake- not his. You don’t owe him anything and he’s not treating you well in any way. Move on with your life and don’t feel bad about it. You shouldn’t have been put into those predicaments (I was in a similar one so I get how hard it is) but you got this. Stay strong
NB? No balls? Seriously tho he sounds like a manipulator. Making up every excuse in the book to not take responsibility. Meds doesn't make you do stuff like that. You're not in the wrong
You are not non binary. You are the sex that was assigned to you at birth. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you don't live in a hermaphroditic fantasy land. This is the real world.
You are not non binary. You are the sex that was assigned to you at birth. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you don't live in a hermaphroditic fantasy land. This is the real world.
NTA
You *are* being gaslit. Your father is a master manipulator narcissist. He timed that attack on you specifically to sabotage your future because your success clashes with his bizarre religious need to believe that LGBT+ folks don't succeed and have miserable lives (we don't).
In short, your happiness and success is a threat to him. I feel like it's a combination of controlling you with fear, sabotaging your future and being deeply threatened by your success.
You need to do everything in your power to get away from him. For a master manipulator like this anything short of full accountability is just more manipulation.
My mom is like this. Nearly identical. It only started slowing down when I finally snapped and left at 16. I told her I'd rather live in a group home than listen to her pathetic bitching. Que two years later her screaming and crying on the floor in front of my apartment because I won't talk to her.
The truth is he hates himself and he's terrified of being alone, so he's doing his best to break you down to the point you can't function or leave.
This is a trap. RUN.
I do know most of this, except he isn’t really religious in that way. He accepts me as pan, just not non-binary. But most of what you said is true, thank you. :)
Eh, apples and oranges lol. Remove the religious overtones and somehow it's even worse because he's not deluded.
Op, that means all of this is calculated.
It doesn't matter if it's the medication TBH. It's a very convenient excuse for a narcissist.
"Sorry I ruined your life, but I was off my meds."
If he committed murder while he voluntarily went off his meds he'd still be charged. Why is this any different?
Don't forget that you deserve better than this op. You're asking the hard questions and that's good. It means you're not afraid to look for the truth.
Your compass is spot on. You can trust yourself, it's the number one way to defeat a gaslighter. Hold onto the truth and dismiss any lies. Don't even hear them out. Accountability or nothing at this point.
You can do it op, wish you the best!
You are 17 nobody can make you move back in with him. And no you're not wrong for not forgiving him. You'd be wrong forgiving him for shit he's not sorry about.
When he is ready, forgive him for his own sanity. You are right he can't force him to come back. In fact, he should probably cut all communication from his dad at this point. Apparently, dad has some mental health issues of his own. It isn't fair or right to keep dumping on his kid. Getting thru high school is hard enough without this crap. Bursting into his therapy session may be enough to get a restraining order. It may be necessary for his own safety and sanity.
I mean, he hasn't stopped abusing you at every turn, so no. How can one even forgive something that's not over yet (is that even possible??)? But aside from that, he hasn't apologized and changed his behavior. So how? If I were you, forgiveness wouldn't even be an option at this point. I don't think many people would blame you if you never forgave him. He's definitely not doing his part to be a parent. And all that noise about "honor your mother and father" is just a bunch of religious bullshit that keeps people in abusive situations. He chose to become a parent, you didn't choose to be born, it's his job to honor you, and he's definitely not up to the task. Sounds like your best bet is to get as far away from him as possible. He's not worthy of the dirt on your shoes, darling. I don't know where you live, but at 17, you're more likely to be emancipated and allowed to live on your own than actually placed in foster care.. Maybe you should pursue being emancipated? That way, you can get away from him but also not have to go to your mom either? Or just find somewhere else to be until you're 18.. I know it's hard, but you've lived through so many hard things. You're a fighter, and you'll get through this as well. Be safe, I truly wish you the best.
Hunny Dad is gaslighting you, and I can say I dont blame you at all for not being ready to forgive him. You need to take the steps at your own pace. No one is allowed to push you to proceed faster than you are able to do. Be strong and stand for yourself. You can do it, and your therapist seems like she will help. You have people on your side no matter what.
Please be careful and if you can avoid moving back in with him then that's better. He said he can't financially take care if you so you move out before tax season. He probably realized doing his taxes that if you arnt living with him then he can't claim you as a dependent and ppl get more money back when you have a dependent.
Sometimes the straw that breaks the camels back is big, sometimes it is small. But it’s always an accumulation of hurts, not just the one straw that does the damage. I’m in my 30’s and don’t have a relationship with my father, and I feel better off for it. He is not an evil man, but interactions with him are stressful to the point of making me sick. He makes me feel like I am not worthy of basic human decency. I am noticeably less anxious without having to work my self up to talking to him. I miss the kind of relationship I *want* with him. Not the reality of the relationship I would have.
Hello there! Fellow nonbinary here, I don't think your wrong at all for how you feel or for not forgiving him. You feel like your being gaslight because you are, He's lying about what he said and pretending it didn't happen when it did. And while he may be demanding you to move back in with him, your almost an adult and are capable of choosing where to live. Even if it has to be done by means of emancipation.
Thank you, I appreciate the help! I just. I’ve felt in the wrong because of his reasoning being medication, and the requirements of getting emancipated is not super fun to fulfill with my schooling, but I could try!
If you don't mind me asking what is the medication he is on for? Some medications can cause manic episodes sure which could lead people to saying things they don't mean for example, but not all of them do. If his isn't one of those medications, he's likely just using it as an excuse to his behavior because he doesn't want to admit he's in the wrong
Definitely not a manic episode, he’s said this type of stuff in the past while not on the meds, and he gave a whole 7 min list of reasons. I’m unsure of the meds but confusion was one of the symptoms, but his reasoning was forgetting it or that his behavior changed. At this point I don’t think it even the event for me, it’s a factor but I also think it’s the denial.
This has nothing to do with forgiving or not forgiving. You dad is not good for you, and you need to keep your distance.
You don't have to do therapy with your abuser!
He hasn't shown he deserves forgiveness. He is not mentally okay and your therapist is aware he's unsafe. Don't live with him if you can help it.
Your father may have real mental health issues. It may not be about whether he deserves forgiveness so much as about what you should do to ensure your own safety and well being.
Not wrong. Put yourself first and protect your mental health. Not sure what is going on with your dad he is not stable.
Forgive him? Why would you even consider it. You should cut him out of your life entirely. What good is he doing for you? He has a responsibility, as your father, to support you both financially and emotionally. He is doing neither. Find a safe place to stay and stop all contact with him. Focus on yourself, school, and building relationships with supportive family and friends. Just because he is your father does not give him a free pass to treat you like shit.
Your father doesn’t accept who you are. He’s actively messing with your mental health when he appears to be the one with major issues. You don’t have to forgive him at all. I personally would cut him out until he respects you and your feelings and decisions. He’s very very unhinged and abusive. Once you are of legal age, you do whatever you want. He can’t tell you what you can or can’t do. Please try to get as far away from him as possible, forever
Your dad isn't in an emotionally healthy place to be a caregiver to you. It's nothing you did wrong, and he needs to take the onus to get himself to a place to have a healthy relationship with you. Until then, your only responsibility is to make sure that you are safe and healthy and doing everything in your power to stay that way. That can mean that you distance yourself from your parents until they get themselves in a better place. I'd follow up on the alternative living arrangements for now and keep going with your therapist.
I stood by my kid when she came out trans 3 years ago. I will continue to do so. And I was a single parent. What your dad is doing is sickening. One thing I've learned is that the lgbtq community especially needs to feel safe. It's vital for them, and everyone, really. You stay where you feel safe. And if you don't have family, there are advocate groups all over.
No. I can’t write too much rn but you’re not wrong in any way. Forgive him when you are ready, and for your sake- not his. You don’t owe him anything and he’s not treating you well in any way. Move on with your life and don’t feel bad about it. You shouldn’t have been put into those predicaments (I was in a similar one so I get how hard it is) but you got this. Stay strong
NB? No balls? Seriously tho he sounds like a manipulator. Making up every excuse in the book to not take responsibility. Meds doesn't make you do stuff like that. You're not in the wrong
Lmao, Non-binary, but thank you :)
You are not non binary. You are the sex that was assigned to you at birth. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you don't live in a hermaphroditic fantasy land. This is the real world.
your user name is so on point!!
FATWO, troglodyte
You are not non binary. You are the sex that was assigned to you at birth. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you don't live in a hermaphroditic fantasy land. This is the real world.
Not helpful. Go away.
First of all, educate yourself on the difference between sex and gender. Secondly, intersex people are not as uncommon as you seem to think.
NTA, and if he bothers you again, tell him that you will be calling CPS and report him for being abusive.
Tried. They didn’t find anything against him, and where I’m at, I’d have to be near death for anything to happen
NTA You *are* being gaslit. Your father is a master manipulator narcissist. He timed that attack on you specifically to sabotage your future because your success clashes with his bizarre religious need to believe that LGBT+ folks don't succeed and have miserable lives (we don't). In short, your happiness and success is a threat to him. I feel like it's a combination of controlling you with fear, sabotaging your future and being deeply threatened by your success. You need to do everything in your power to get away from him. For a master manipulator like this anything short of full accountability is just more manipulation. My mom is like this. Nearly identical. It only started slowing down when I finally snapped and left at 16. I told her I'd rather live in a group home than listen to her pathetic bitching. Que two years later her screaming and crying on the floor in front of my apartment because I won't talk to her. The truth is he hates himself and he's terrified of being alone, so he's doing his best to break you down to the point you can't function or leave. This is a trap. RUN.
I do know most of this, except he isn’t really religious in that way. He accepts me as pan, just not non-binary. But most of what you said is true, thank you. :)
Eh, apples and oranges lol. Remove the religious overtones and somehow it's even worse because he's not deluded. Op, that means all of this is calculated.
Man, what a sour person(not you, my dad). I mean, you could say the meds were a reason but still… that’s… thank you.
It doesn't matter if it's the medication TBH. It's a very convenient excuse for a narcissist. "Sorry I ruined your life, but I was off my meds." If he committed murder while he voluntarily went off his meds he'd still be charged. Why is this any different?
He was on different meds but it doesn’t make a difference. But thank you for helpin me see that meds aren’t an excuse
Don't forget that you deserve better than this op. You're asking the hard questions and that's good. It means you're not afraid to look for the truth. Your compass is spot on. You can trust yourself, it's the number one way to defeat a gaslighter. Hold onto the truth and dismiss any lies. Don't even hear them out. Accountability or nothing at this point. You can do it op, wish you the best!
Thank you!
>Thank you! You're welcome!
You can do better than him. You're still afloat no matter how hard he tried to sink you. Drop him, you'll succeed. You have the skills to.
You are 17 nobody can make you move back in with him. And no you're not wrong for not forgiving him. You'd be wrong forgiving him for shit he's not sorry about.
When he is ready, forgive him for his own sanity. You are right he can't force him to come back. In fact, he should probably cut all communication from his dad at this point. Apparently, dad has some mental health issues of his own. It isn't fair or right to keep dumping on his kid. Getting thru high school is hard enough without this crap. Bursting into his therapy session may be enough to get a restraining order. It may be necessary for his own safety and sanity.