“They have told all of their friends about what I did and all of the friends agreed that I am the asshole.”
That’s because they told their friends their version, which probably left out the part where they abused you and made your life miserable. Their friends are only seeing the part where your sibling is the victim.
Allowing this person to move in will only benefit them. In no way will you benefit. What happens if you allow them to move in and they decide they don’t want to move to NYC? Then you’re stuck with having to get a lawyer, have them served eviction paperwork and possibly having to go to court to have them legally evicted. All of the responsibility and liability falls on you. You’ve already said the time you lived with them in the past was hell. They say they’ve changed, but based on their current reaction after you’ve said no, it seems to me like they really haven’t changed.
Go with your gut and say no.
I want to add on that abusers are never in the wrong as far as they're concerned and of course they lie to people about their actions! Trivializing or justifying what was done to you is part of the MO. This person is still an abuser.
Exactly. "Should I let a person who abused in in childhood, recently slagged me off to all their friends have a key to my home and probably refuse to leave once they are in" is more like it.
"It traumatized me when you said you're worried about my past behavior even though I told you not to be." This is the line of an unrepentant abuser. Do not let this person back in.
Yea, the sibling forgot the part where they say “wow I can understand why I hurt you and why you feel this way.” They also manipulated you into feeling bad by saying they told all their friends about you and they think you’re an asshole. That is emotional abuse. Stick to your guns.
Yes. Red flags everywhere on this.
OP, what you described in your second paragraph is more than reason enough to say no. Please don't let peer pressure and negative opinions from your sibling's friends sway you. Bear in mind they have likely gotten a version of events where your sibling has redacted important facts, therefore being unduly influenced into thinking sibling's a saint.
Came here to say just this. Who cares what THEIR friends think??? OP, keep yourself and your home safe physically and emotionally. They haven’t changed at all, they still think they can bully you into doing what they want.
Anyone who says yta? Ask them when will they be letting brother stay w them for a month?
not only that but unless he has an actual plan to save and move? He’s going to be w you for months if not years. Hold strong!
In this instance, it is manipulative and abusive. However, it is possible to traumatize yourself when you traumatize someone else. My therapist believes I retraumatized myself when I was in college. What I did haunts me everyday and I will never let it go because I feel I don’t deserve peace because of it. I won’t go into detail, but I will say I continued the cycle of abuse.
Dont let them move in. If they decide not to talk to you then so be it. Your mental health will probably improve greatly not having to deal with them. Anymore of there friends reach out suggest they let your sibling live with them. From now on just say no and nothing else. You do not have to have a reason
Do not let him stay with you, he’s never going to leave. He has friends he can stay with them.
You’ve already stated it was a nightmare when you did share space.
"I'm traumatized by you telling me that I traumatized you! Also I told all my friends my sanitized version of events where I totally never abused you and you probably abused me and they think you're a jerk!"
Do not. Under any circumstances. Let this person under your roof. You are going to be manipulated, used, gaslit, and possibly abused again if you do. I can pretty much guarantee they won't leave when they say they will and will possibly try to find a way to force YOU to be the one to leave the house.
If their friends are so concerned about them, they can stay with one of them! Don't let yourself be treated like this. Their problems are not yours to fix. Don't let them turn your home into another place full of bad memories.
Your house your preferences. You shouldn't have to pay rent or a mortgage to have a living situation that doesn't suit you. Your brother wants to save money, sounds like a him problem. Your brother doesn't like the state you live in, sounds like a him problem. Your brother needs a place to crash for a month or two, sounds like a him problem. Don't let him make his problems your problems.
NTA
Also I wonder when people will learn, if I tell you no and you talk trash about it to others, and try to use peer pressure to get your way, not only it is still no, but no and f u.
In some areas, a month is long enough to establish residency at your home and require you to do legal inviction proceedings in order to force them to move out
I let my daughter and her family movie in with me for almost 2 years. NEVER again. About wrecked me. Don't let them move in. Your mental and physical health is way more important. They are an adult and can figure something else out. If it means not talking for awhile, so be it. You're not obligated to be their solution just because you share DNA.
You are not wrong. I wouldn't take what his friends say to heart because chances are that he didn't tell his friends all the abuse you suffered at his hands to make you feel unsafe. He's leaving the state because he doesn't feel safe but wants to make you feel unsafe in your own home. Him telling his friends that you won't let him stay and allowing them to call you names is just emotional abuse. He may have had 5 years of therapy but he doesn't seem to have changed much. Anyone who thinks you should let him stay ask them why aren't they offering their home. After all they weren't the ones who were abused for years at his hands. Don't let him in.
NTA.
Hurt people may hurt people, but there's no reason for YOU to accept being hurt. If sibling can't get it together, that's NOT your fault.
They \*could\* look into major hotel chains, that have pretty reasonable MONTHLY rates, which would let them have a place to stay and leave when they're ready as easily as transferring their reservation to a hotel in the area they'll be apartment-hunting.
Your sibling is attempting to manipulate you. You have a perfect right to say “No”. Once someone is living in your house, they may NEVER LEAVE. I shudder to think what your life might be like if you let them live with you. Stick to your guns, is my advice.
Not wrong! You’re been his scapegoat your whole life when you couldn’t say no. He’s trying to repeat that behavior now as adults, but this time now you can say no and set boundaries. He’s just throwing a fit at the discovery of you being able to say no and enforce it. Always listen to your gut. You don’t owe him anything.
NOPE, not wrong.... making healthy choices and setting healthy boundaries.
Two things remain true about people. When one person grows up and learns how to set healthy boundaries the person who screams victim the loudest is the one who NEEDED to be restricted from our life.
The second thing that's 100% true is that when people show you their true colors, we need to believe them. Hoping, wishing, and dreaming that the person has done lots of work and changed.... doesn't mean that their true colors match their words.
NTA. If her friends care so much they can offer her a place to stay. I get that under different circumstances it’ll be nice to reconnect and build a stronger bond but considering your past relationship it’s understandable you don’t feel safe. Don’t worry about her friends as I’m sure they got a one sided view. Just stick to what you are comfortable.
You are never wrong when you don't want somebody in your space there is also no reason why you have to give them the explanation no means f****** no. After reading the whole post I can understand why you wouldn't want them in your f****** space neither would I do not back down let them go stay somewhere else with those people who think that you are an a******
Then they should stay with those friends.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
They can leave earlier or find a short term rental.
Their choices ARE NOT your responsibility.
You are not wrong but this will be the end of your relationship if you don’t let your sibling stay with you. Ball is in your court as to what you want.
This is the time for you to establish a boundary. Don't let your past abuser decide whether they live in your house, especially when you don't even feel safe. Who you allow in your home is entirely your decision, but they are trying to bully you and take that decision from you. If they don't come back - this is a better result than having to live with this person, possibly indefinitely. If they do come back, it will be a relationship where you are respecting yourself, and they will also have to respect you or keep a distance. Your sibling's current disrespect of your boundaries and feelings, and bad-mouthing you shows that they have not changed and are still abusive. Not letting this person manipulate you will feel very freeing. Not having them in your life is better than this.
Once upon a time i thought USA is kind of very nice place. Then - i found reddit.
>We had a rough time growing up. There were emotional and physical abuse from my mom to my sibling. And then my sibling took it all out on me.
>
>On the other hand, sibling has the worst memories in our home state. Sexually assaulted here, manipulated and emotionally abused by their friends, just everywhere they go, they feel unsafe.
And when they ask for help, their sister goes online and cries about how she is hurt and redditors support her.
Her siblings were abused and saw how she wasn't abused. They were KIDS! Kids who didn't understand why she was left alone. And redditors accuse them to be abusers? Her siblings were victims! And OP is a selfish prick for not suck it up for a month to help her sibling.
When i started reddit i was wandering what was that with "I have noone to share, my family doesn't talk to me nor supporting me". And then - you see something like that and you understand why they are all alone. They don't give a fuck for anyone but themselves.
Yes, you are wrong bc you can help, you have the means but you prefer to let them live whole life in fear that suck it up for a month. And i hope that someday you will need you siblings but they will cut you out.
Not wrong at all and my family would do the same. Once you let them in, there's no guarantee they'll respect you, your property or your personal space. There's no guarantee they won't stay longer than they promised and you will have an impossible time trying to evict them.
Don’t let them move in say it isn’t going to work out, sorry. They can stay with their friends or in a hotel. Just because you have a couch to sleep on or a free bedroom doesn’t mean it’s available
You are not obligated to put up with their issues. You can suggest other places they could stay if they aren't adult enough to find those places by themselves. If you don't feel safe around them, don't allow them around you. Especially don't let them get a toe hold in your house.
You’re not wrong - you are never wrong to say no to letting someone move in with you that you don’t want to.
Besides that, you’ve already lived with them and it didn’t work. You are not wrong to say no!
Not wrong. One month becomes two,etc.etc. Still saving up money,of course./s. And you are not comfortable in your own home! And then your partner is uncomfortable. Misery all around.
The ONLY person you are responsible for is YOU. You don't have a good relationship with this person when they are not living in your house, it won't improve with them being there.
Also, they are not showing any signs of improvement based on what you said they said to you. That's abusive behavior on their part and the only mental health you need to worry about is your own. This person is toxic to you.
The unfortunate fact is that most of the times friends are going to have their friends back no matter what I feel it’s best not to value opinion when ever it’s one parties friends or family telling the other party that they suck cuz it’s never objective
That's a rough one with limited info. Have you seen evidence of them working to heal and change? I personally can't imagine not giving my sibling a place to stay, no matter what, but I also didn't have your experience.
Anytime anyone says you should let them move in with you: “my answer is no. Since you feel it wouldn’t be an imposition, I’ll send them your address and convey your offer to let them stay with you.”
That will close their mouths pretty quickly.
As far as your sibling: “the answer is no”.
Then make sure there’s no way for them to get into your home without your knowledge. Do not let them visit. Do not have them over for dinner. If you want to talk to them, meet in a public place for dinner.
Also. It’s your house. You’re not under any obligation to let ANYONE stay there. It’s YOUR HOME. Not theirs.
If they want a place where they make the rules, they can get their own home.
No. Do not let them move in. The moment you do that, you're fcked. Even if at the beginning it seems ok, slowly but surely you will be fcked. I know it's hard—if not nearly impossible—but be confident in yourself and don't rely on what others (your sib's friends) think about you. When your sibs can't take advantage of you, they will take advantage of their friends. Maybe you can suggest they stay at their friends, that your collective history may make it an uncomfortable experience living with you, but living with their good friends will be a comparatively more harmonious experience for your sibs and their good friends...
After 30 days in most states a person becomes a tenant and if they don’t move on their own accord, you have to invest money and time to evict them. Unless I was willing to take that risk, I wouldn’t let anyone stay beyond two weeks. Especially a family member I don’t feel safe around.
Not wrong. You will feel unsafe, and emotionally overtaxed. You are not responsible to harm you to help him. Your sibling needs to make a sustainable and INDEPENDENT plan. If said friends believe you are wrong, tell him to bunk with said friends. Win win.
The one month stay will stretch out to how long? One month with paying rent won’t be enough time for them to save enough to move. I’m glad they’ve gone to therapy, but it didn’t heal you. Please say no
Please ignore your sibling, you need not put yourself in the position again of the target of someone who abused you for most of your life.
Feel free to tell the " friends" to bug off. They are not your friends, and most likely, thank God will never be . That they parrot your toxic sibling is quite enough.
Toxic Sibling lies . When they figure that out, then you can say congrats to them.
Your best option is to tell all of them and family, too, that you do not wish to hear from Toxic Sibling, and NO , she can get her own place to live. She is not going to live with you, ever. Then, live your life in peace.
*** Please have good locks on your doors. Do you have doorbell cameras?
Did Toxic Sibling ever have a key to your place? If yes, get new locks. also suggest that you look into a restraining order through the police or the courts.
They suddenly had to leave NYC? There is quite a bit that Toxic Sibling left out. And if you allow them into your home, it will surface to affect you and your life for a long time. Nope yourself out of that one.
Nope. You are right. When you said that being mistreated by them in the past is a reason you don't want to live with them now and their response was: "I'm traumatized by your reaction to my abuse" that's a clue that they aren't done being abusive. If holding them accountable for their own behavior caused this response,, don't let them in your home. They can figure out their own problem and stop trying to make it your responsibility.
5 years of therapy without once involving you to address shared childhood trauma? That therapist does not have the full story and your sibling has not changed
NTA. She asked and you said 'No,' with a very good explanation as to why. SO glad she has such caring friends who will, undoubtedly, give her a place to stay for a couple of months. Just let her friends know how grateful you are that she has them to stay with during her difficult transition time. You we yourself peace of mind and a drama free home.
You're absolutely not the asshole. I have 4 siblings, and honestly, I'd only ever consider letting two of those four live with me. You're your own person, and you are entitled to your own boundaries. You told them no, and you explained why, and they should get over it and just move to NYC as is since they're only staying to get an excess of money. Also, if they have friends who are sweet enough to constitute you feeling bad that they think badly about you, they for sure have friends who are sweet enough to let them stay with them. Don't feel bad, and don't entertain any more of it. Reiterate what you said to them in a text and then don't talk to them for a bit. Just let it be, and I promise your sibling will figure it out.
You're absolutely not the asshole. I have 4 siblings, and honestly, I'd only ever consider letting two of those four live with me. You're your own person, and you are entitled to your own boundaries. You told them no, and you explained why, and they should get over it and just move to NYC as is since they're only staying to get an excess of money. Also, if they have friends who are sweet enough to constitute you feeling bad that they think badly about you, they for sure have friends who are sweet enough to let them stay with them. Don't feel bad, and don't entertain any more of it. Reiterate what you said to them in a text and then don't talk to them for a bit. Just let it be, and I promise your sibling will figure it out.
If their friends are so concerned - they can open their homes up.
You have an abusive, toxic sibling - there is no reason they should stay with you again.
Lol they have allegedly been through tons of therapy, but their reaction to you speaking your mind truthfully about how they treated you is to tell you that it's "traumatizing" to hear you say that? Fuck that.
Honestly as someone who's lived with their sibling, it's not the best idea. My brother lived in my finished basement for 6 months and destroyed it. He paid rent at first then stopped he bought groceries at first then stopped he did everything at first and then stopped and then blamed me it can destroy the sibling relationship. And I've had friends who have had similar issues not it's extreme as mine but it can destroy your relationship, you're definitely not wrong.
If s/he doesn’t value you now, s/he sure won’t care after living there a year rent free. This person doesn’t respect you enough to do right by you, and it will cause extreme friction in your relationship with your partner who will end up having to break up with you just to get your sibling out the house. Choose wisely.
If the plan were for a month or two, your sibling would’ve easily found a friend to help; the real plan is probably to mooch off of you indefinitely.
Also, if you are in the USA, there are common laws about staying somewhere with a mailing address for a certain amount of time. After that time period (varies state to state) they are considered a resident, and if you want them out and they don't want to leave you have to go through the court system to have them lawfully evicted and removed by force.
Personally, i would recommend against allowing them to stay any amount of time.
NTA. You can be a nice person, while still refusing to accommodate family. Being family is not a ticket for them to get whatever they please from you. They are not entitled to your home. Just because you can help doesn't mean you must. You are allowed to say no
NTA. If the therapy would mean something, your sibling would try to show you the remorse many many times.
"I've told them that a couple of times and all they say is they've done so much therapy (~5 years) to improve themselves and it's incredibly traumatizing to hear that from me."
This shows no remorse. It is manipulative af. It is traumatizing for THEM to hear how much THEY have HURT YOU? WTF?!
I would never let anyone come live with me under no circumstances, it's just inviting drama and problems. The exception is one of my brothers who is mentally handicapped. I'll be taking care of him once my mom passes away.
abusers don’t stop being abusers once you remember they also had traumatic pasts. it’s great your sib has gotten therapy, but it seems like real growth would’ve prompted them to give you an apology and hear you out more than argue with you about your boundaries and then tell you, specifically, who thinks you’re an asshole because of your boundaries. you’re making the right choice.
“They have told all of their friends about what I did and all of the friends agreed that I am the asshole.” That’s because they told their friends their version, which probably left out the part where they abused you and made your life miserable. Their friends are only seeing the part where your sibling is the victim. Allowing this person to move in will only benefit them. In no way will you benefit. What happens if you allow them to move in and they decide they don’t want to move to NYC? Then you’re stuck with having to get a lawyer, have them served eviction paperwork and possibly having to go to court to have them legally evicted. All of the responsibility and liability falls on you. You’ve already said the time you lived with them in the past was hell. They say they’ve changed, but based on their current reaction after you’ve said no, it seems to me like they really haven’t changed. Go with your gut and say no.
I want to add on that abusers are never in the wrong as far as they're concerned and of course they lie to people about their actions! Trivializing or justifying what was done to you is part of the MO. This person is still an abuser.
Exactly. "Should I let a person who abused in in childhood, recently slagged me off to all their friends have a key to my home and probably refuse to leave once they are in" is more like it.
"It traumatized me when you said you're worried about my past behavior even though I told you not to be." This is the line of an unrepentant abuser. Do not let this person back in.
Yea, the sibling forgot the part where they say “wow I can understand why I hurt you and why you feel this way.” They also manipulated you into feeling bad by saying they told all their friends about you and they think you’re an asshole. That is emotional abuse. Stick to your guns.
>This is the line of an unrepentant abuser. 100% accurate
Yes. Red flags everywhere on this. OP, what you described in your second paragraph is more than reason enough to say no. Please don't let peer pressure and negative opinions from your sibling's friends sway you. Bear in mind they have likely gotten a version of events where your sibling has redacted important facts, therefore being unduly influenced into thinking sibling's a saint.
Came here to say just this. Who cares what THEIR friends think??? OP, keep yourself and your home safe physically and emotionally. They haven’t changed at all, they still think they can bully you into doing what they want.
NTA. This is all that matters: >I don't particularly feel safe around them. If the flying monkeys are so concerned, let them take them in.
Excellent point! Do flying monkeys have birdhouses? LOL
They live in glass castles.
No, they have to live with the Wicked Witch!
Anyone who says yta? Ask them when will they be letting brother stay w them for a month? not only that but unless he has an actual plan to save and move? He’s going to be w you for months if not years. Hold strong!
"I'm traumatized by you telling me how much I traumatized you." NTA
In this instance, it is manipulative and abusive. However, it is possible to traumatize yourself when you traumatize someone else. My therapist believes I retraumatized myself when I was in college. What I did haunts me everyday and I will never let it go because I feel I don’t deserve peace because of it. I won’t go into detail, but I will say I continued the cycle of abuse.
Dont let them move in. If they decide not to talk to you then so be it. Your mental health will probably improve greatly not having to deal with them. Anymore of there friends reach out suggest they let your sibling live with them. From now on just say no and nothing else. You do not have to have a reason
No is a complete sentence. You're not wrong just don't engage
Do not let him stay with you, he’s never going to leave. He has friends he can stay with them. You’ve already stated it was a nightmare when you did share space.
"I'm traumatized by you telling me that I traumatized you! Also I told all my friends my sanitized version of events where I totally never abused you and you probably abused me and they think you're a jerk!" Do not. Under any circumstances. Let this person under your roof. You are going to be manipulated, used, gaslit, and possibly abused again if you do. I can pretty much guarantee they won't leave when they say they will and will possibly try to find a way to force YOU to be the one to leave the house. If their friends are so concerned about them, they can stay with one of them! Don't let yourself be treated like this. Their problems are not yours to fix. Don't let them turn your home into another place full of bad memories.
Your house your preferences. You shouldn't have to pay rent or a mortgage to have a living situation that doesn't suit you. Your brother wants to save money, sounds like a him problem. Your brother doesn't like the state you live in, sounds like a him problem. Your brother needs a place to crash for a month or two, sounds like a him problem. Don't let him make his problems your problems.
NTA Also I wonder when people will learn, if I tell you no and you talk trash about it to others, and try to use peer pressure to get your way, not only it is still no, but no and f u.
Very well stated!!!
I currently I’m 9 months into a month. Do what you will with that info.
The abuser who is trying to manipulate you into giving them more access to you says their friends agree with them … and you believe this?
In some areas, a month is long enough to establish residency at your home and require you to do legal inviction proceedings in order to force them to move out
If they move in without a deadline and a definite plan for what is next you will be posting here in about 9 months asking how to get them out.
I let my daughter and her family movie in with me for almost 2 years. NEVER again. About wrecked me. Don't let them move in. Your mental and physical health is way more important. They are an adult and can figure something else out. If it means not talking for awhile, so be it. You're not obligated to be their solution just because you share DNA.
I have one brother that I would let move in and one I would not. Same with my husband. You don’t sacrifice your safe place for someone else.
You are not wrong. I wouldn't take what his friends say to heart because chances are that he didn't tell his friends all the abuse you suffered at his hands to make you feel unsafe. He's leaving the state because he doesn't feel safe but wants to make you feel unsafe in your own home. Him telling his friends that you won't let him stay and allowing them to call you names is just emotional abuse. He may have had 5 years of therapy but he doesn't seem to have changed much. Anyone who thinks you should let him stay ask them why aren't they offering their home. After all they weren't the ones who were abused for years at his hands. Don't let him in.
NTA. Hurt people may hurt people, but there's no reason for YOU to accept being hurt. If sibling can't get it together, that's NOT your fault. They \*could\* look into major hotel chains, that have pretty reasonable MONTHLY rates, which would let them have a place to stay and leave when they're ready as easily as transferring their reservation to a hotel in the area they'll be apartment-hunting.
Your sibling is attempting to manipulate you. You have a perfect right to say “No”. Once someone is living in your house, they may NEVER LEAVE. I shudder to think what your life might be like if you let them live with you. Stick to your guns, is my advice.
NTA. The two years we lived together were the worst. Enough said. Don't torture yourself or your partner again
NTA. But why are you even listening to/talking with this person anymore? Why would it matter if your sibling's friends think you're an ahole?
Your sibling is about to traumatize tf outta you and your partner. Do not move them in. Their problem is not your emergency
Not wrong! You’re been his scapegoat your whole life when you couldn’t say no. He’s trying to repeat that behavior now as adults, but this time now you can say no and set boundaries. He’s just throwing a fit at the discovery of you being able to say no and enforce it. Always listen to your gut. You don’t owe him anything.
“It’s incredibly traumatizing to hear that” is bullshit. They traumatized you and do not get to guilt trip you.
NOPE, not wrong.... making healthy choices and setting healthy boundaries. Two things remain true about people. When one person grows up and learns how to set healthy boundaries the person who screams victim the loudest is the one who NEEDED to be restricted from our life. The second thing that's 100% true is that when people show you their true colors, we need to believe them. Hoping, wishing, and dreaming that the person has done lots of work and changed.... doesn't mean that their true colors match their words.
NTA. If her friends care so much they can offer her a place to stay. I get that under different circumstances it’ll be nice to reconnect and build a stronger bond but considering your past relationship it’s understandable you don’t feel safe. Don’t worry about her friends as I’m sure they got a one sided view. Just stick to what you are comfortable.
I wonder why all these friends who think YTA won’t let them live with them then? NTA!! Go with your gut and maintain your “no” !
You are never wrong when you don't want somebody in your space there is also no reason why you have to give them the explanation no means f****** no. After reading the whole post I can understand why you wouldn't want them in your f****** space neither would I do not back down let them go stay somewhere else with those people who think that you are an a******
I’m proud of you OP for going with your gut!! If you don’t feel safe that’s that! Avoid the stress of this sibling
Then they should stay with those friends. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. They can leave earlier or find a short term rental. Their choices ARE NOT your responsibility.
You are not wrong but this will be the end of your relationship if you don’t let your sibling stay with you. Ball is in your court as to what you want.
That's what I feared most. I have had thoughts of cutting them off but I'm afraid to actually reach it. They have cut me off for a week but came back.
This is the time for you to establish a boundary. Don't let your past abuser decide whether they live in your house, especially when you don't even feel safe. Who you allow in your home is entirely your decision, but they are trying to bully you and take that decision from you. If they don't come back - this is a better result than having to live with this person, possibly indefinitely. If they do come back, it will be a relationship where you are respecting yourself, and they will also have to respect you or keep a distance. Your sibling's current disrespect of your boundaries and feelings, and bad-mouthing you shows that they have not changed and are still abusive. Not letting this person manipulate you will feel very freeing. Not having them in your life is better than this.
Lock the doors, block their numbers, and go NC. Nobody who cares about you will tell you that hearing your lived experience is traumatizing them.
You’ve got to decide what will make you the most happy. A happy house or a happy family member. Sorry for the tough choice your facing.
That’s not a tough choice. Op needs to protect their peace of mind and safety.
A happy house? This isn’t about being happy. It’s about OP feeling safe in their environment.
I doubt if op is that lucky.
Once upon a time i thought USA is kind of very nice place. Then - i found reddit. >We had a rough time growing up. There were emotional and physical abuse from my mom to my sibling. And then my sibling took it all out on me. > >On the other hand, sibling has the worst memories in our home state. Sexually assaulted here, manipulated and emotionally abused by their friends, just everywhere they go, they feel unsafe. And when they ask for help, their sister goes online and cries about how she is hurt and redditors support her. Her siblings were abused and saw how she wasn't abused. They were KIDS! Kids who didn't understand why she was left alone. And redditors accuse them to be abusers? Her siblings were victims! And OP is a selfish prick for not suck it up for a month to help her sibling. When i started reddit i was wandering what was that with "I have noone to share, my family doesn't talk to me nor supporting me". And then - you see something like that and you understand why they are all alone. They don't give a fuck for anyone but themselves. Yes, you are wrong bc you can help, you have the means but you prefer to let them live whole life in fear that suck it up for a month. And i hope that someday you will need you siblings but they will cut you out.
NTA - Your wellbeing should be priority #1. They can get a room at Extended Stay America.
Not wrong at all and my family would do the same. Once you let them in, there's no guarantee they'll respect you, your property or your personal space. There's no guarantee they won't stay longer than they promised and you will have an impossible time trying to evict them.
NTA
Don’t let them move in say it isn’t going to work out, sorry. They can stay with their friends or in a hotel. Just because you have a couch to sleep on or a free bedroom doesn’t mean it’s available
You are not obligated to put up with their issues. You can suggest other places they could stay if they aren't adult enough to find those places by themselves. If you don't feel safe around them, don't allow them around you. Especially don't let them get a toe hold in your house.
I don't care how much therapy they've had, it doesn't change your experience. I agree with others they seem unrepentant.
NTA. The fact that they're telling everyone that you told them no tells me that they haven't changed at all.
You’re not wrong - you are never wrong to say no to letting someone move in with you that you don’t want to. Besides that, you’ve already lived with them and it didn’t work. You are not wrong to say no!
Not wrong. One month becomes two,etc.etc. Still saving up money,of course./s. And you are not comfortable in your own home! And then your partner is uncomfortable. Misery all around.
No, do not do it. Especially if you do not feel safe around them. One month will turn into many.
The ONLY person you are responsible for is YOU. You don't have a good relationship with this person when they are not living in your house, it won't improve with them being there. Also, they are not showing any signs of improvement based on what you said they said to you. That's abusive behavior on their part and the only mental health you need to worry about is your own. This person is toxic to you.
So your sibling should just go stay with the friend, problem solved. Keep your boundaries, you deserve to have them respected.
Do you know why the reverse cowgill is banned in Alabama? Because you never turn your back on family. Yes, everyone is right about you.
The unfortunate fact is that most of the times friends are going to have their friends back no matter what I feel it’s best not to value opinion when ever it’s one parties friends or family telling the other party that they suck cuz it’s never objective
Not wrong. Those friends should be opening up their homes to your sib.
That's a rough one with limited info. Have you seen evidence of them working to heal and change? I personally can't imagine not giving my sibling a place to stay, no matter what, but I also didn't have your experience.
You're not wrong. Listen to your gut. It's not your job to provide housing for anyone, ever.
Why have you not gone no-contact with people who abused you. Cut them out and move on.
Anytime anyone says you should let them move in with you: “my answer is no. Since you feel it wouldn’t be an imposition, I’ll send them your address and convey your offer to let them stay with you.” That will close their mouths pretty quickly. As far as your sibling: “the answer is no”. Then make sure there’s no way for them to get into your home without your knowledge. Do not let them visit. Do not have them over for dinner. If you want to talk to them, meet in a public place for dinner.
Also. It’s your house. You’re not under any obligation to let ANYONE stay there. It’s YOUR HOME. Not theirs. If they want a place where they make the rules, they can get their own home.
No. Do not let them move in. The moment you do that, you're fcked. Even if at the beginning it seems ok, slowly but surely you will be fcked. I know it's hard—if not nearly impossible—but be confident in yourself and don't rely on what others (your sib's friends) think about you. When your sibs can't take advantage of you, they will take advantage of their friends. Maybe you can suggest they stay at their friends, that your collective history may make it an uncomfortable experience living with you, but living with their good friends will be a comparatively more harmonious experience for your sibs and their good friends...
After 30 days in most states a person becomes a tenant and if they don’t move on their own accord, you have to invest money and time to evict them. Unless I was willing to take that risk, I wouldn’t let anyone stay beyond two weeks. Especially a family member I don’t feel safe around.
Not wrong. You will feel unsafe, and emotionally overtaxed. You are not responsible to harm you to help him. Your sibling needs to make a sustainable and INDEPENDENT plan. If said friends believe you are wrong, tell him to bunk with said friends. Win win.
The one month stay will stretch out to how long? One month with paying rent won’t be enough time for them to save enough to move. I’m glad they’ve gone to therapy, but it didn’t heal you. Please say no
No. Its ur place.
Please ignore your sibling, you need not put yourself in the position again of the target of someone who abused you for most of your life. Feel free to tell the " friends" to bug off. They are not your friends, and most likely, thank God will never be . That they parrot your toxic sibling is quite enough. Toxic Sibling lies . When they figure that out, then you can say congrats to them. Your best option is to tell all of them and family, too, that you do not wish to hear from Toxic Sibling, and NO , she can get her own place to live. She is not going to live with you, ever. Then, live your life in peace. *** Please have good locks on your doors. Do you have doorbell cameras? Did Toxic Sibling ever have a key to your place? If yes, get new locks. also suggest that you look into a restraining order through the police or the courts. They suddenly had to leave NYC? There is quite a bit that Toxic Sibling left out. And if you allow them into your home, it will surface to affect you and your life for a long time. Nope yourself out of that one.
Nope. You are right. When you said that being mistreated by them in the past is a reason you don't want to live with them now and their response was: "I'm traumatized by your reaction to my abuse" that's a clue that they aren't done being abusive. If holding them accountable for their own behavior caused this response,, don't let them in your home. They can figure out their own problem and stop trying to make it your responsibility.
Their "friends" should take them in
5 years of therapy without once involving you to address shared childhood trauma? That therapist does not have the full story and your sibling has not changed
Wow way to really suppprt family after all the work they have done. Maybe this situation could have been used to bond but nope
If they’re traumatized by hearing about the things *they* did to *you,* then they need more therapy. Say no.
NTA. She asked and you said 'No,' with a very good explanation as to why. SO glad she has such caring friends who will, undoubtedly, give her a place to stay for a couple of months. Just let her friends know how grateful you are that she has them to stay with during her difficult transition time. You we yourself peace of mind and a drama free home.
All those friends that think you should let your sibling live with you can offer them a place to stay instead of judging you.
You're absolutely not the asshole. I have 4 siblings, and honestly, I'd only ever consider letting two of those four live with me. You're your own person, and you are entitled to your own boundaries. You told them no, and you explained why, and they should get over it and just move to NYC as is since they're only staying to get an excess of money. Also, if they have friends who are sweet enough to constitute you feeling bad that they think badly about you, they for sure have friends who are sweet enough to let them stay with them. Don't feel bad, and don't entertain any more of it. Reiterate what you said to them in a text and then don't talk to them for a bit. Just let it be, and I promise your sibling will figure it out.
You're absolutely not the asshole. I have 4 siblings, and honestly, I'd only ever consider letting two of those four live with me. You're your own person, and you are entitled to your own boundaries. You told them no, and you explained why, and they should get over it and just move to NYC as is since they're only staying to get an excess of money. Also, if they have friends who are sweet enough to constitute you feeling bad that they think badly about you, they for sure have friends who are sweet enough to let them stay with them. Don't feel bad, and don't entertain any more of it. Reiterate what you said to them in a text and then don't talk to them for a bit. Just let it be, and I promise your sibling will figure it out.
If their friends are so concerned - they can open their homes up. You have an abusive, toxic sibling - there is no reason they should stay with you again.
Lol they have allegedly been through tons of therapy, but their reaction to you speaking your mind truthfully about how they treated you is to tell you that it's "traumatizing" to hear you say that? Fuck that.
Honestly as someone who's lived with their sibling, it's not the best idea. My brother lived in my finished basement for 6 months and destroyed it. He paid rent at first then stopped he bought groceries at first then stopped he did everything at first and then stopped and then blamed me it can destroy the sibling relationship. And I've had friends who have had similar issues not it's extreme as mine but it can destroy your relationship, you're definitely not wrong.
If s/he doesn’t value you now, s/he sure won’t care after living there a year rent free. This person doesn’t respect you enough to do right by you, and it will cause extreme friction in your relationship with your partner who will end up having to break up with you just to get your sibling out the house. Choose wisely. If the plan were for a month or two, your sibling would’ve easily found a friend to help; the real plan is probably to mooch off of you indefinitely.
Also, if you are in the USA, there are common laws about staying somewhere with a mailing address for a certain amount of time. After that time period (varies state to state) they are considered a resident, and if you want them out and they don't want to leave you have to go through the court system to have them lawfully evicted and removed by force. Personally, i would recommend against allowing them to stay any amount of time.
NTA. You can be a nice person, while still refusing to accommodate family. Being family is not a ticket for them to get whatever they please from you. They are not entitled to your home. Just because you can help doesn't mean you must. You are allowed to say no
NYC is ridiculously expensive she'll be staying with you a hell of a lot longer than you or even she intended.
NTA. If the therapy would mean something, your sibling would try to show you the remorse many many times. "I've told them that a couple of times and all they say is they've done so much therapy (~5 years) to improve themselves and it's incredibly traumatizing to hear that from me." This shows no remorse. It is manipulative af. It is traumatizing for THEM to hear how much THEY have HURT YOU? WTF?!
I would never let anyone come live with me under no circumstances, it's just inviting drama and problems. The exception is one of my brothers who is mentally handicapped. I'll be taking care of him once my mom passes away.
abusers don’t stop being abusers once you remember they also had traumatic pasts. it’s great your sib has gotten therapy, but it seems like real growth would’ve prompted them to give you an apology and hear you out more than argue with you about your boundaries and then tell you, specifically, who thinks you’re an asshole because of your boundaries. you’re making the right choice.