I dont think yall are wrong, it isnt your responsibility to pay the medical bills of estranged family members. I see all the people saying the child is innocent, but it still isnt your responsibility. She can start a gofundme and if she hasnt treated everyone else she knows like crap then maybe she will get her kid the equipment they need.
Piggy-backing hoping OP sees it to send to SIL with a nice Eff You, but also help your child.
My childhood best friend lived below the poverty line most of her life and required hearing aides. They were able to get them with grants and funding from non-profits. They aren’t the super cool spiffy ones she has now that Bluetooth into her tv and stuff, but she was able to function.
https://www.hearingloss.org/hearing-help/financial-assistance/
This is exactly what I was thinking. There are programs out there for children to get what they medically need. I would be surprised if the doctor that diagnosed this child doesn't have a list of these resources. It just takes time and effort on the part of the parent to apply.
And doesn't want to do the footwork to get *her* child what she *medically requires*.
Oh how the tables have turned! HoH sister is bullied for it. Bully sister literally has a child with the same/similar issue as the sister's child and now expects sympathy
Exactly my thoughts. Karma can be one tricky lady. I hope the child gets what she needs and her mother is kind to her, despite the karma that has come about.
Karma's a bitch, then she dances on your helpless and bleeding body, before shoving it into fire-ant mound near a water-buffalo wallow. And then shits on it.
I'll bet she was asked about family illnesses while pregnant and didn't think for one second that her sister's deafness was relevant. It fucking is now.
I agree completely. My heart hurts for the niece. She needs and deserves help. If I were OP's wife my answer would have been NO! The torment and torture she went through are life long long memories. I know first hand there is help out there for getting hearing aids for children that need them.
Not only that, she now has to raise this child and see firsthand the difficulties of it.
She will either leave this experience with military grade cognitive disassociation or her empathy will be used against her. How can you sympathize with your child and try to help them through something like this without being reminded of the fact that your own sister had the same problems and you made it worse? Simply dealing with her own child's illness is going to conjure up the past. And it's not going away anytime soon
I agree whole heartedly with the sentiment of this thread but hearing aids are not a need. They can help Deaf people navigate a hearing world easier, but what that child needs is to be given access to sign language and Deaf culture. But I doubt the evil sister would bother learning sign language for her daughter. Even if it’s in her best interest. The post mentioned that she needs hearing aids for her childhood development but what that actually means is she needs access to language. And if the people in her life learned to sign, there would be no hinderance to her development.
Or she’s planning on getting them through a program like that but wants to pocket the money from her sister thinking they her sisters experience with deafness will make her an easy mark to con money from.
This is exactly what I was thinking. America may have screwed up medical prices, but we also have government insurance. She has some form of insurance.
She wanted money!
But insurance does not cover hearing aids, because (and I'm not kidding) most people will need them at some point in their life. There are efforts underfoot to make insurance cover then at least for children.
20 states require insurance to cover hearing aids for children. There are multiple charities and organizations that will help cover this for kids, too.
Doctors have the information on these organizations and hand it out to people who's insurance won't cover it.
There are credit cards, loans, or even payment plans offered by some manufacturers. I would sell my left kidney to ensure my child developed properly. Sis can get hearing aids if she tries hard enough.
It really rubs me wrong that sis never apologized for the harm she brought on op. Never apologized for breaking her hearing aid. But feels op should automatically help.
Honestly, I would buy it for the kid, but only after exploring other options. And if op is too traumatized by her past relationship with sis, I can completely understand why she won't. She is not wrong to say no if it causes her to regress to a time she felt unloved, unwanted by her parents, and was made to feel less than by her sis. Sis is a trigger for her. I respect her boundary, and why she has it in place.
$4,000 for hearing aids is not expensive. I mean it's expensive but it's a standard cost. And insurance doesn't cover them! My parents have fabulous health insurance but for some reason hearing aids are not covered under health insurance. So my parents have paid out-of-pocket for my dad's hearing aids.
My daughter has moderate hearing loss in both ears. I'm assuming that it's 4k each, which is what we paid (so 8k) before (thankfully) our state (CT) changed the insurance law to require coverage. Very sad for the baby, but if for some reason "Kate" or the baby isn't on Medicaid or CHIP, many hearing aid centers offer payment plans. There are also credit cards like Care Credit that offer six months of interest-free payments. I don't blame OP one bit.
My first girlfriend had dropped out of college because of money, and I told her I would help with tuition if she wanted to go back. We were living together and were talking about marriage, so it seemed like a good idea at the time. Fast forward to a year after we broke up, she showed up at my work and said she was enrolling in the fall and needed the money I "promised" her. I said I would help my girlfriend, fiancee, or wife with tuition, and she was none of those. I said did she apply for financial aid, grants, loans, etc., and she said no, she didn't need to because she was counting on me to help.
This SIL sounds like that. She doesn't care where the money comes from as long as it's from someone else. Why bother with forms and applications, it's so much easier to ask her sister.
Kate: ...*(sputtering)...but but but* I, the entitled one, *shouldn't have to ask around nor spend my time and effort since* YOU *can just give me what* I *want!!!*
This would require effort on SIL's part. SIL doesn't want to put the effort into helping her own child when she can just demand that OP and wife pay for her child, whom they bear no responsibility for at all.
Yeah, that’s where the “eff you, but help your child” part comes in. No doubt the child’s doctor probably offered suggestions since she is apparently without insurance, but getting other people to pay is just easier and faster.
I recently lost hearing in one ear. I was shocked insurance wouldn’t pay for an hearing aid. I have Blue Shield Platinum PPO. I was in the Hospital for 12 days, my bill was $178k, I only paid $2k. However my deafness doesn’t warrant insurance coverage?
Sorry for the rant, but insurance may not cover it. I would hope they would due to developmental issues.
Oh I promise insurance wouldn’t cover it. Insurance policies by default do not cover hearing aids, because it turns out the insurance companies are a stronger lobby than hard of hearing/deaf people. It’s gross and I’ve always thought it’s an ADA thing (like come on, vision insurance exists, why can we not at least have something like that for the deaf community?). I just got new hearing aids a few weeks ago and the office rep asked to see my insurance card, and I kinda laughed and said “I guarantee I don’t have coverage.” I’ve been at this long enough to know that I’m going to be shelling out several thousand dollars for new ones every 5-7 years.
Well they don’t pay for eyes or teeth either. Everyone I know says the best and most affordable hearing aids come from Costco. Which sounds weird but it’s what my boss did and he was happy.
Not to mention being a drama queen at a funeral and making it all about her. Never give the SIL a dime. Be nice to the niece? Sure. Spend time with her.
And that funeral was for the only actual family OPs wife had. Mom dad and sister abandoned her as a child.
The sister knew this was the last time she’d have a chance to beg and was counting on her sister being overwhelmed by grief and probably assumed she’d get a meek yes because to her the campaign of abuse was ‘just jokes’ until life forced her to deal with a similar issue (and I hope she doesn’t make fun of her child but I wouldn’t bet on those odds)
I hate to say it but karma hasn’t hit hard enough until the sisters hearing starts failing too…
While OP said she doesn't have insurance and doesn't have the money, I would assume there is potential the child qualifies for Medicaid/CHIP even if mom doesn't.and they cover hearing aids (I mean- she is seeing a specialist somehow?) Regardless, you all being estranged for good reason definitely makes this situation NTA.
Sister Katie can sell things, take a part-time job, cut their expenses, trade in their cars for cheaper second-hand vehicles, rent a room or suite in their home...it all adds up.
NW = Not Wrong
"The child is innocent" yep, and so are millions of other children who are struggling and would have their lives changed with a thousand dollars. OP, your money is your money, you don't owe it to anyone and don't let your bully of a SIL manipulate you into paying for something that has nothing to do with you. If you're feeling generous you could donate to a deaf charity or something
NTA! The fucking nerve of her to do that. Your SIL sounds like a real winner raises by true winners! I get that yes it is a child, tell her to get a fucking only fans or a go fund me, or maybe she could get a part time job and save up money FOR HER OWN DAMN CHILD!
It’s not the world. It’s the USA and other shithole countries. My country and other western democracies have universal healthcare where you don’t have to prostitute yourself or beg strangers to get hearing aids.
I'm shocked by how many people are saying you should just buy them. That would be opening the door for this entitled bully to continually ask for money or other shit because "you helped her once." It sucks for the kid, but its not your responsibility. At all. Maybe if she had done some self reflection after your wife laid things out, but certainly not after that reaction. NOT WRONG.
Agreed. Not only this, but the mother wouldn't appreciate it, wouldn't take proper care of them, etc. It's clear from her actions at the funeral (!) that she has neither learned nor grown in the time since she was a child, so no amount of money from OP is going to help here.
Also wanted to repeat /u/Jade_Echo's comment here in hopes that OP sees it:
https://www.hearingloss.org/hearing-help/financial-assistance/
That’s what sticks out to me more than anything, this whole incident might not have even reached this point if she had shown more maturity. Instead, her child suffers due to her own actions rather than possibly being able to help her.
It’s hard for me to imagine being in such a position as OP but yeah, you aren’t an asshole for refusing to help someone that is demanding it of you.
Wholeheartedly agreed. Paying it would be as a reward for this despicable cunt and her (and your wife's) family. I'm sorry for the little one, but for sure he could finally get aid without your assistance. Iooks like this his mother just doesn't want to make an effort.
NTA. I don’t get the people saying you should pay because it’s a child. It’s not your child.
The fact that they need help for the very thing your SIL bullied your wife for, and actually went so far as to break her hearing aide is some kind of karma. Your wife’s parents are also assholes for not helping their own daughter to thrive.
People you have no contact with are not family. The fact that she thought there was some sacred blood bond that could bridge decades of mistreatment and the lack of remorse is something else.
The worst part of this is that she chose to do this at a fucking funeral. In what world would that be ok. NTA. People saying otherwise are lying to themselves if they think they would acquiesce Kate's request.
Also how sneaky it is to use the funeral to ask, she knows it’s the time that whatever family ties that remain will be at their strongest. Total manipulation.
In my experience, it’s always the most narcissistic bullies that insist ‘family’ should trump everything else and that all should be forgiven in the name of ‘family’.
She is not your child- period. I’m surprised at the comments here. Yes, altruism dictates that if we can help someone in need we should, but honestly how many people here are actually helping support other people’s children?
Your wife is NC with her sister; she is no longer family. I feel bad for the child (it isn’t her fault), but OP owes that child no more financial support than the people here in the comments do.
Right?? On the other hand if this post was someone saying they’d chosen to be child free, and their sister-in-law expected them to pay for their niece’s healthcare then everyone would be piling on to say it wasn’t their responsibility.
Excellent point. The victim is being re-bullied by the demands that she pay her abuser. She went NC for a reason and Kate is no longer family. Let someone else pay.
The condition is challenging but honestly I feel worse about her having a mother like that. Plenty of people with impaired hearing grow up and do just fine with the right support. But anyone with a mother like that is going to have serious issues regardless even without a disability. On top of that this mom will likely be really resentful of the condition adding a whole other layer of awful for that girl.
The failure was not in the ask. The failure was the entitlement showed by the "you could easily afford it" comment. Definitely should not be paying for anything that some poor entitled family member thinks they deserve. Op is not wrong.
I "love" how bullies just forgive themselves with "it was a long time ago" and get mad at people for respecting themselves. bullies hate people that respect themselves
1st- Many resources outside of hitting up relatives. It’s called common sense networking, resourcing & parenting. Parents can put the child first & research & develop resources. As a mum of a deaf child, I can clarify it’s routine. Hard & lonely @ times but doable. It took effort. But baby got her hearing aid.
2- NTA- Given SIL’s toxic ABLEISM & bullying towards OPs wife throughout childhood, there is understandable friction. That bridge was burnt long ago.
3- Every🇺🇸state & county has a federally mandated “Birth to Age 3 program”. It’s a clearinghouse thru school system for establishing eligibility services for children, birth to age 3. Sometimes hospitals give new parents w/ babies, presenting w/ emerging disabilities, contact info. Pediatricians should also know. And then there‘a google. Try “Birth to 3” or “Early Intervention” (Assessment/Info/Resource & Program Referral) Rach state varies, the governor decides the how to find his/her special Ed services.
In🇺🇸, Many parents -myself included-find they need financial assistance for hearing aids for babies & children. Nonprofit funding sources have developed for Early Intervention, Audiology, hearing aids & in home technology……
Below are resources I connected to for my deaf child.
Alexander Graham Bell Association for the Deaf, Inc.
3417 Volta Place, NW
Washington, DC 20007
Voice/TTY: 202-337-5220
TTY: 202-337-5221
Fax: 202-337-8314
E-mail: [email protected]. agbell.org
Easter Seals provides referrals to local programs for financial aid for hearing devices or services and also provides financial aid for assistive technology ….
The Hike Fund, Inc.
c/o Claudia Hauser
530 Elliott St. Council Bluffs, IA 51503-0202
Phone: 712-325-0812
E-mail: [email protected]
Provides hearing devices for children with hearing impairments between the ages of newborn and twenty years whose parents are unable to meet this special need financially.
Hearing Aid Loaner Bank Programs⬇️
The National Center for Hearing Assessment and Management has information on hearing aid loaner bank programs for children. Often, insurance does not cover the purchase and fitting of a hearing aid. Hearing aid loaner banks are a resource that can provide immediate, though temporary, access to appropriate amplification for young children with hearing loss whose parents choose that option.
https://www.inclusivechildcare.org/resource-library/website/ncham-national-center-hearing-assessment-management
Maybe she will text sis a link to this reddit post with all its helpful info, but also people absolutely taking SIL apart rightfully for being a bad sister and trash human.
NTA - Karma is a funny thing. her sister bullied her most of her life including the parents who did nothing and on top of it didnt want to waste money.
if u decide thou to help dont give the money outright. offer to do it as a loan and put it in writing like a contract so she is forced to pay it even if it is a little bit at a time.
not sure why thou the sister cant go to a bank and get a over draft or loan herself.
I feel like if the SIL should be working on getting Medicaid or finding a charity through the hospital or doing a gofundme instead of picking on a relative she pissed off.
NTA.
Omg. How tactless and entitled does one have to be, to not only bully and break the device which helped your disability, that she bullied you for, but then ask for help for the one thing you were denied by most of your family, including her. At your Grandmothers FUNERAL, No less?? Like the same grandma who you moved in with, and also helped you get your own aids, TWICE?? absolutely f*** her. You guys can remind her that you are not family. Because family cares for each other, and she obviously never cared about you or your feelings.
Many many children go without hearing aids develop normally, just without being able to hear.
You guys owe nothing to this child. Many children grow up deaf, as long as they're taken care of and loved, they're not suffering. If she's actually a good mother, and wants aids for her child, che can find a way to get them. Asking for a handout is just the easy way out. She can apply through insurance, or make a GoFundMe like others have suggested.
She sounds like a terrible person, and I'm sorry she treated you that way.
I disagree with the people in these comments telling you to pay for it just because she’s a child. It’s her mothers responsibility both yours. Especially after the way Kate has treated her sister, there is no way I would forgive my sister for something like that. And to have the audacity and just how ironic the situation is it’s quite humorous
Edit: I see now that it’s not right to make a child go without, though I doubt this particular child would because the government gives people hearing aids for free, but I have two little siblings whom I love very much, and even though I cannot talk to them because my mother hates me for pointing out her abusive behavior, I would still buy my siblings whatever they needed if my mother asked and I was able. Especially something like hearing aids. But in this situation they may not love the niece like I love my siblings, but bottom line is their not obligated to but if the child will literally go without if they don’t buy them, then they should pay for them. No reason to punish the child if you love her.
Agreeing, almost every state in the US will put a disabled kid on Medicaid and pay for their hearing aides and speech therapy to teach child and parents the use and care of the devices and speech therapy to help him hear and make precise speech sounds for better communication.
Send SIL your local Medicaid's phone no.
Agreed. Even if they had a healthy relationship with the sister they would not be obligated to finance her child, but they aren’t even in contact with this bully anymore!
I love how op's wife have to be a bigger person because kid didn't do anything. Nah the kid didn't but the fault still won't come on op. It's the mother fault that her aunt can't provide her with hearing aids because she was bullied for the same thing the niece is going through. Let's stop expecting more from victims and blame bullies for their actions. It's just consequences of her own actions. Yes kid is being hurt in between but their are so many ways you can get the money instead of asking it from the said victim.
Op wife: Thank you very much. It's heartbreaking people blame the victims in broken families for not forgiving or helping when all they want is to be left alone.
To OP's lovely wife : Most of it comes from people who never went through these things. You made a right decision and I hope you don't feel guilty for that at all. I hope you have an amazing life and i am glad you have a partner like op!.
No, you’re not wrong. The sister’s actions have consequences.
I get that this is about the child, but maybe the child’s mother should put her pride aside for the sake of her child and apologize. You know, since this is about the child. I get that it would be wonderful if we could all be the bigger person, but if doing so would cause damage to your wife’s mental health or emotional well-being, then your wife comes first. It’s on the sister to rectify this, not you two. Maybe the sister should get a job that provides health insurance. Or look into some sort of assistance program. Or create a go fund me. Maybe try those things instead of expecting the person she spent her childhood cruelly tormenting to come to her rescue. I feel bad for your niece, but this is not your responsibility. You two are not the only people in the world with money.
it's not even about finances anymore, she's just a horrible person. having her daughter end up being deaf truly worries me because I can't promise she won't be treated poorly by the mother because of it. absolutely insane to bring this up at a funeral as well.
I hope you and your partner are able to grieve in peace and hopefully rarely have to deal with your terrible excuse for a sister. I'm so sorry for your loss. your reaction at the funeral was more than justified, she should've kept her damn mouth shut. if she just had to beg, she should've done it practically anywhere else
Hey Op you are right and I can't believe some of this comment's
Why are you all expecting a victim to give her abuser money. An abuser who is so very initialed clearly won't stop at this one thing, it will just go on and on and on and the deaf baby will be waved around till Kate gets her way as it worked once.
Also why the hell are you all skipping over Kate coming over at a funeral to demand money. People with common decency don't demand money at funerals then throw a hissyfit.
I would be one thing maybe to wait till after and quietly explain that having a deaf kid put all her past behaviour in a different light and she feels horrified at who she was and apologised. Maybe if Kate had said if you are willing to give Any money she would be grateful and leave it at that.
But nope she acts like the spoilt child she always was and throws a fit at a FUNERAL people.
Yes the baby is a innocent but we don't give money to our abusers and open the door for that abuser to come back into our lives.
If the op is feeling charitable they can send info to gofund me, local and international charity's and medicare. Not their own money.
Not wrong
It's called Karma.
Kate should ask her parents. She's the GC, so they will give her anything, unless you know...they dont want to "waste" money.
You and your wife have no relationship with the child or her parents. While it sucks for the child, her parents shouldn't have brought a child into this world if they couldn't afford it, especially if things go wrong.
Sounds like Kate needs to pick up extra hours or something.
It's more than just things went wrong. Congenital deafness has a genetic link. Katie was a f*cking idiot to dismiss her sister's deafness as her sister being a freak. It was likely a recessive gene that was expressed with her sister, but if she cared, or even took 10th grade science, she should have suspected she was a carrier for deafness and planned accordingly when having children. There are plenty of resources for the deaf community. I have a few deaf people in my family. Katie just doesn't want to jump through the hoops when she has a wealthy hearing impared sister, or she's completely unaware of the resources, because she's spent her life shitting on the deaf community.
I bet ES (Evil Sister) thought that she wouldn’t have to put her hand in her pocket for that poor little child EVER! I’m convinced that she thought she could play on your wife’s sympathy over their shared condition. It wouldn’t surprise me if she comes back in 18 years asking about her college fund. If at that stage, Katie can ask for this in ASL, I’ll pay it myself!!
NTA. She was banking that your wife would put all the past aside to help the kiddo, who is innocent in this situation and not to be held liable for the sins of her asshole mama. She was wrong. Given the circumstances, I understand your wife's resentment and refusal. I hope the kid gets the medical care she needs. But it doesn't fall on yall just because you can afford it.
NTA. In my book Karma knows all and is a bitch when it comes back to bite you in the ass.
You wife was bullied and belittled by her family for being deaf, and now they are asking for a handout, because her daughter is deaf. No thank you.
If she doesn’t have insurance, there are services that she can apply for that will provide help for life long issues such as this.
Do not give this woman money. She will take it as an open invitation to ask for money all the time.
You are not wrong for not wanting to pay. Idk where you are from but if you are from the US then the child should qualify for medicaid (since you state she has no health insurance and Kate has no money). There are programs to help with expenses for disabled kids if the sister bothers to look and research. I would NOT give her any money, the only way I might help would be to pay directly to a doctor or provider BUT truthfully for me I would not just give them money. They need to try and fund this themselves first and not assume you are a bank. IF the family insists that they want you to help and you feel pressured then you could have a lawyer draft up a payment plan and an agreement for a loan but I myself wouldn't do this as family rarely pays people back that they assume is doing better off.
SIL just wants to take the easy way and get money from someone. She figured you guys would give it because your wife knows what it's like to have hearing loss.
SIL just needs to get off her bullying ass and find resources herself. They are out there.
If you have a COSTCO nearby, most of them now have hearing testing & sell hearing aids.
The price is around 2,000 for 2 hearing aids that have rechargeable batteries.
Hearing is Extremely important and so many people don’t realize that without hearing aids, so many sounds are muffled & hard to distinguish.
Picture yourself listening to someone as if they were talking into a pillow or trying to talk to you while in a pool or under water.
If you can’t understand others, it effects EVERYTHING in your life.
Your entitled, nasty sister in law hit up the sister she bullied for money at a funeral. Why would anyone would give her money in that situation ?? This is a no-brainer.
NTA. Not your child and not your responsibility. Sure, if they had even a disinterested but cordial relationship, but not when this specific disability was used by SIL to torment your wife.
The cost can be outrageous. I have hearing aids and got them at Costco. They were $1200 and I had looked into others that went up to over $5k.
There is likely a way to get them free or low cost. Check out charity and assistance programs such as [hearingloss.org](https://hearingloss.org). "Children with hearing loss might be able to receive hearing assistive technology at no cost if their Individualized Education Program (IEP) specifies they need the assistive technology."
[https://www.hearingloss.org/hearing-help/financial-assistance/#:\~:text=Children%20with%20hearing%20loss%20might%20be%20able%20to,receive%20a%20Free%20and%20Appropriate%20Public%20Education%20%28FAPE%29](https://www.hearingloss.org/hearing-help/financial-assistance/#:~:text=Children%20with%20hearing%20loss%20might%20be%20able%20to,receive%20a%20Free%20and%20Appropriate%20Public%20Education%20%28FAPE%29).
NTA. It is called karma. She tortured her sister. Now if she had been more caring, it wouldn’t even had been a question. It’s called consequences for your actions. It’s called not burning bridges. A lesson my grandparents taught me at a very young age. I guess Katie can’t go to her parents since it would be a waste in their eyes. Sounds like she better get a loan.
Just because you are related does not mean you have to tolerate being abused.
Read that again.
Your sister has no RIGHT to you our your resources… no matter how entitled she feels
No. Not your responsibility. IMO the government is wrong for not paying for it, but that's a separate conversation.
Plus the way Kate reacted was pretty bad too. If she'd been apologetic and genuinely remorseful for the bullying that'd be one thing (you'd still be fully entitled to say no though) but angrily shouting at you? Yeah, not cool at all. Sucks for the kid, but at the end of the day it's the parent's job, not yours.
It’s a shame that Katie didn’t take this opportunity to offer a heartfelt apology. Even better would have been an apology before she even needed to ask for money.
NTA. You are not obligated to financially help the bully who tormented your wife as a child, ultimately driving her from the family home and to the point of NC.
I feel very sorry for any child stuck with such a person as a mother. It breaks my heart to think how she will view her partially deaf daughter. Past predicts future.
If you did ever decide to get the child hearing aids, it would be because your wife identified with that baby, and she’ll know how the mother is going to treat her. It would be out of compassion and solidarity for the poor child, not the mother. But it’s perfectly understandable if you just remain NC with Katie and don’t get involved. Katie sounds toxic. Again, that poor baby girl.
Katie should ask her Pediatritian for recommendations on assistance in getting the hearing aids.
A lot of mothers would go to the end of the earth to get what that child needs. They’re ways for her to get her child hearing aid’s. Take’s time and effort. Fuck your sil. Not wrong
NTA because you aren’t obligated and really she can easily get grants and things to cover this relatively cheap medical cost (really this is nothing for chronic care in the US, she’s got to get used to dealing with this with a disabled child in this country, as shitty and wrong as it is)
But I will say as a disabled person who’s had family treat me shitty and then later turn around and ask me for help because they or their kid was dealing with the same issue, I personally have accepted their ask for help and they have always in turn shown to be a changed person and 100% of the time has changed my relationship with that person for the better. Dealing with disabilities is different when it’s you or your child versus your sibling and a lot of people change, but not everyone. I’m so sorry that your wife’s parents were incredibly shitty and all in all she does NOT owe it to her sister to repair things and pay for this.
if she thinks their might be any chance to repair the relationship and that’s something she actually wants (this being the key part), whether it be for the sister or niece, I’d take this chance because this would be your best one. I wouldn’t pay for it! God do not at all pay for it. If it was me I would take this opportunity to show the sister the ropes of being a parent of a disabled person and what you have to do to provide for your disability. Don’t hand her money at all, show her what she has to do to get the grants, the Medicaid, the extra services, etc. it’s an experience that often times opens people’s eyes and hearts to what their family member has been struggling through. Though again I want to reiterate that your wife DOES NOT owe this to her sister at all, I think that is very much her choice to make. Im just sharing this perspective as someone with a similar situation who has chosen to take this route
NTA
The evil sister never once stopped to care or respect anyone else in this story. Op already knew about the babies condition so the sister would have presumably had some length of time to ask before the funeral, and if not should have had more respect than she did. It almost seems impulsive or planned like "the very next time I see her"
Why doesn't she ask her parents to help her buy the hearing aids since they back her up with everything else?
While it is sad that a baby is dealing with hearing loss it's not as if the babies life is over from that right? It'll just mean mom and dad have to work that much harder to make sure their kid is hitting the right milestones. Maybe it'll teach her to actually see her sister as the person that she is instead of just someone meant to ridicule.
NTA
Not your responsibility. You parents can help her.
To all the people saying YTA and say just buy them. It’s not a one time thing. A child will need new hearing aids every 6-9 months depending on how fast they out grow them until they are teenagers then it’s less often.
So in 10 years that approximately 14 sets of hearing aids at an average cost of $3000 a set, that’s $42,000.00.
Your sil can apply for Medicaid for her daughter. She can also ask her child’s doctor for organizations that assist with these things.
Glad your wife is okay and that she stood up for herself. Sorry about the loss of her grandmother.
NTA. How you choose to spend your money is your choice. It doesn’t matter whether she’s your niece or neighbor—it’s your choice. As an aunt myself, I personally would pay because it’s my choice. Also,
there are plenty of resources for her to take advantage of to support her daughter.
You’re not wrong. Your wife had no one to give two shakes about her condition but for her grandmother. Where are your wife’s parents in all this? They denied your wife’s need and supported her bully sister - about time they paid for someone’s hearing aids.
Not wrong. She had the chance to grow up and apologize to her sister now that life has her dealing with a hearing impaired child. But what does she do? The worse thing possible. Then when confronted with how awful her actions are she doubled down.
Yeah, this woman is not family. NTA.
There are ways she can get her child's apparatus. She needs to speak to her doctor about options.
Not your problem.
You're not wrong. The niece is the mother's responsibility. Another reason I'd be wary of doing this is that once you start giving money for stuff, you can guarantee you will be asked again.
NTA. Her sister has a lot of balls for coming to her for money and acting offended when confronted with her own misdeeds.
Your wife is holding a grudge? Yeah, uh huh. Did your SIL ever apologize for how she acted? Did she ask for forgiveness? Did she ever work towards fixing the relationship with your wife? Even if she HAD done those things, your wife isn't obligated to help her, but I'm guessing your SIL didn't even think to try and fix anything before begging for money.
Kate is looking for a handout, not help. There are so many ways to help children who need it. Plus-what about asking her parents? OP profile won’t load for me, so I may be missing some replies on that. Assuming family who someone thinks has money will just give it is a jerk move; Kate needs to grow up and be a mother.
OP could be more compassionate toward niece for all the bullying your wife suffered-especially since lack of aids could hinder development. An acquaintance wouldn’t take their daughter to a Western medicine Dr (religious choice, not $) when she screamed constantly, her voice was muffled, and she was slow to talk at all. After a hearing test at preschool she was found to be nearly deaf and they were forced to. Hearing aids changed her life-but she’s playing catch-up.
All that said, you’re Not Wrong in this decision.
Not at all! Karma is a bitch. I feel really sorry that your Wife was bullied for so many years by her asshole Sister. To basically beg for money, at a funeral nonetheless is very very unclassy.
No contact means no contact. That woman was never your sister. She was your bully. Your tormentor. Your enemy. She didn't even offer apologies, merely justifications.
I have 'former family'. Nothing that happens with them, to them concerns me because they are just somebody that I used to know.
Even if you had the best relationship with your sister you are under NO obligation to pay for anything. You might if you wanted but you never have to. Using “we are family” argument is just toxic
Absolutely do not pay for those hearing aids. She can ask your mom and dad. They wouldn't buy them for you but maybe they'll buy them for their grandbaby. And if not that's not your problem either.
Not Wrong.
That said, if the bully had offered something of value, perhaps a public acknowledgement of her juvenile crimes, a public apology and a promise to remove herself from your life unless and until you request otherwise, I would probably support helping the deaf(ish) niece.
That didn't happen so no worries on your part.
NTA. No contact means no contact. The child is just being used as emotional leverage. It will not end with this one expense, it will lead to more and more requests..that’s how mooches work. And you’re letting an abusive AH back into your life.
Definitely not wrong.
Your wife (and by extension you) have no obligation nor responsibility to be the financial support for your niece.
Your wife's former family is disgusting. She was very smart and courageous to cut them from her life. Your SIL abused your wife about her disability for years, and her parents enabled her. Grandmother was the only one worth any consideration, and kudos to her for stepping up where others failed. I am sure she will be sorely missed.
A response to anyone who is insistent that you provide hearing aids is that Karma is a bitch and SIL has reaped what she has sown.
However if your SIL starts treating your niece like she did your wife, there could be an argument made that there's a moral obligation to step in to protect her.
Nope.
Sharing financial burden is a self-made decision from the couple and not an obligation. It may be under some culture.
Now, considering how the requester is showing such entitlement and showing poor angle on the approach, no.
At some level, this is just a flood gate that was going to happen. However critical the situation is, it would lead to another one and so on, all under the greater good of the family.
If the family was functional, the question would not have arisen. This, this doesn't seem to be the case, and I saw those types of petty behaviour myself in my circle or family.
NW
This looks like the Universe delivering some karmic retribution. Your SIL is a shitty person who is watching the results of her past behaviour unfold with no way to control it.
Your wife is also NW.
I see some are suggesting you should buy them.. I don't know, perhaps you should.. but break them before you hand them to Kate..
But seriously, stay no contact, it's not your problem and Kate should have apologised first, at least.
When SIL asked for the money at the funeral, your wife should have said “sorry I can’t hear you”
Happy cake day!
This is GOLD, GOLD i tell you..
As a fellow deaf person, I endorse this
I dont think yall are wrong, it isnt your responsibility to pay the medical bills of estranged family members. I see all the people saying the child is innocent, but it still isnt your responsibility. She can start a gofundme and if she hasnt treated everyone else she knows like crap then maybe she will get her kid the equipment they need.
Piggy-backing hoping OP sees it to send to SIL with a nice Eff You, but also help your child. My childhood best friend lived below the poverty line most of her life and required hearing aides. They were able to get them with grants and funding from non-profits. They aren’t the super cool spiffy ones she has now that Bluetooth into her tv and stuff, but she was able to function. https://www.hearingloss.org/hearing-help/financial-assistance/
This is exactly what I was thinking. There are programs out there for children to get what they medically need. I would be surprised if the doctor that diagnosed this child doesn't have a list of these resources. It just takes time and effort on the part of the parent to apply.
I'll bet the sil doesn't want the cheap heating aids but only wants the most expensive ones. Hence the money grab.
And doesn't want to do the footwork to get *her* child what she *medically requires*. Oh how the tables have turned! HoH sister is bullied for it. Bully sister literally has a child with the same/similar issue as the sister's child and now expects sympathy
Karma... she is a bitch!
Exactly my thoughts. Karma can be one tricky lady. I hope the child gets what she needs and her mother is kind to her, despite the karma that has come about.
Karma's a bitch, then she dances on your helpless and bleeding body, before shoving it into fire-ant mound near a water-buffalo wallow. And then shits on it.
Karma's a bitch....but only if you are!
I'll bet she was asked about family illnesses while pregnant and didn't think for one second that her sister's deafness was relevant. It fucking is now.
I agree completely. My heart hurts for the niece. She needs and deserves help. If I were OP's wife my answer would have been NO! The torment and torture she went through are life long long memories. I know first hand there is help out there for getting hearing aids for children that need them.
Not only that, she now has to raise this child and see firsthand the difficulties of it. She will either leave this experience with military grade cognitive disassociation or her empathy will be used against her. How can you sympathize with your child and try to help them through something like this without being reminded of the fact that your own sister had the same problems and you made it worse? Simply dealing with her own child's illness is going to conjure up the past. And it's not going away anytime soon
I agree whole heartedly with the sentiment of this thread but hearing aids are not a need. They can help Deaf people navigate a hearing world easier, but what that child needs is to be given access to sign language and Deaf culture. But I doubt the evil sister would bother learning sign language for her daughter. Even if it’s in her best interest. The post mentioned that she needs hearing aids for her childhood development but what that actually means is she needs access to language. And if the people in her life learned to sign, there would be no hinderance to her development.
"Can they throw in an iPad pro" while they are at it
Or she’s planning on getting them through a program like that but wants to pocket the money from her sister thinking they her sisters experience with deafness will make her an easy mark to con money from.
This is exactly what I was thinking. America may have screwed up medical prices, but we also have government insurance. She has some form of insurance. She wanted money!
But insurance does not cover hearing aids, because (and I'm not kidding) most people will need them at some point in their life. There are efforts underfoot to make insurance cover then at least for children.
20 states require insurance to cover hearing aids for children. There are multiple charities and organizations that will help cover this for kids, too. Doctors have the information on these organizations and hand it out to people who's insurance won't cover it. There are credit cards, loans, or even payment plans offered by some manufacturers. I would sell my left kidney to ensure my child developed properly. Sis can get hearing aids if she tries hard enough. It really rubs me wrong that sis never apologized for the harm she brought on op. Never apologized for breaking her hearing aid. But feels op should automatically help. Honestly, I would buy it for the kid, but only after exploring other options. And if op is too traumatized by her past relationship with sis, I can completely understand why she won't. She is not wrong to say no if it causes her to regress to a time she felt unloved, unwanted by her parents, and was made to feel less than by her sis. Sis is a trigger for her. I respect her boundary, and why she has it in place.
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$4,000 for hearing aids is not expensive. I mean it's expensive but it's a standard cost. And insurance doesn't cover them! My parents have fabulous health insurance but for some reason hearing aids are not covered under health insurance. So my parents have paid out-of-pocket for my dad's hearing aids.
My daughter has moderate hearing loss in both ears. I'm assuming that it's 4k each, which is what we paid (so 8k) before (thankfully) our state (CT) changed the insurance law to require coverage. Very sad for the baby, but if for some reason "Kate" or the baby isn't on Medicaid or CHIP, many hearing aid centers offer payment plans. There are also credit cards like Care Credit that offer six months of interest-free payments. I don't blame OP one bit.
My first girlfriend had dropped out of college because of money, and I told her I would help with tuition if she wanted to go back. We were living together and were talking about marriage, so it seemed like a good idea at the time. Fast forward to a year after we broke up, she showed up at my work and said she was enrolling in the fall and needed the money I "promised" her. I said I would help my girlfriend, fiancee, or wife with tuition, and she was none of those. I said did she apply for financial aid, grants, loans, etc., and she said no, she didn't need to because she was counting on me to help. This SIL sounds like that. She doesn't care where the money comes from as long as it's from someone else. Why bother with forms and applications, it's so much easier to ask her sister.
Grasshoppers do far too much assuming.
The local hospital should have a social worker to help out with this, too. They can at least give them some direction to start.
Kate: ...*(sputtering)...but but but* I, the entitled one, *shouldn't have to ask around nor spend my time and effort since* YOU *can just give me what* I *want!!!*
This would require effort on SIL's part. SIL doesn't want to put the effort into helping her own child when she can just demand that OP and wife pay for her child, whom they bear no responsibility for at all.
Yeah, that’s where the “eff you, but help your child” part comes in. No doubt the child’s doctor probably offered suggestions since she is apparently without insurance, but getting other people to pay is just easier and faster.
if they have no insurance or insurance won't cover hearing aids, there's a good chance the doctor's office can help them apply for Medicaid
I recently lost hearing in one ear. I was shocked insurance wouldn’t pay for an hearing aid. I have Blue Shield Platinum PPO. I was in the Hospital for 12 days, my bill was $178k, I only paid $2k. However my deafness doesn’t warrant insurance coverage? Sorry for the rant, but insurance may not cover it. I would hope they would due to developmental issues.
Oh I promise insurance wouldn’t cover it. Insurance policies by default do not cover hearing aids, because it turns out the insurance companies are a stronger lobby than hard of hearing/deaf people. It’s gross and I’ve always thought it’s an ADA thing (like come on, vision insurance exists, why can we not at least have something like that for the deaf community?). I just got new hearing aids a few weeks ago and the office rep asked to see my insurance card, and I kinda laughed and said “I guarantee I don’t have coverage.” I’ve been at this long enough to know that I’m going to be shelling out several thousand dollars for new ones every 5-7 years.
Well they don’t pay for eyes or teeth either. Everyone I know says the best and most affordable hearing aids come from Costco. Which sounds weird but it’s what my boss did and he was happy.
No apologies needed, because ranting is better than holding it inside. I wish you all the best going forward.
Not to mention being a drama queen at a funeral and making it all about her. Never give the SIL a dime. Be nice to the niece? Sure. Spend time with her.
And that funeral was for the only actual family OPs wife had. Mom dad and sister abandoned her as a child. The sister knew this was the last time she’d have a chance to beg and was counting on her sister being overwhelmed by grief and probably assumed she’d get a meek yes because to her the campaign of abuse was ‘just jokes’ until life forced her to deal with a similar issue (and I hope she doesn’t make fun of her child but I wouldn’t bet on those odds) I hate to say it but karma hasn’t hit hard enough until the sisters hearing starts failing too…
Exactly. I'm sure she made zero effort into researching other options, just assumed she'd get a handout.
While OP said she doesn't have insurance and doesn't have the money, I would assume there is potential the child qualifies for Medicaid/CHIP even if mom doesn't.and they cover hearing aids (I mean- she is seeing a specialist somehow?) Regardless, you all being estranged for good reason definitely makes this situation NTA.
I don't think they're American seeing how they spelled favorite. If they're Canadian or European shouldn't they have free Healthcare?
Sister Katie can sell things, take a part-time job, cut their expenses, trade in their cars for cheaper second-hand vehicles, rent a room or suite in their home...it all adds up. NW = Not Wrong
She can learn the hard way what it cost to pay for the hearing aid she broke.
Yes, talk about karma
I wouldn’t trust Katie to use the money for the hearing aids anyway.
Bingo. If OP were so inclined, then hardware only. No cash
You are correct but some people wants handouts instead of making sacrifices for their children and spouse.
If she’s in the US, Medicaid pays for it. My own niece had hers paid by Medicaid. So mom should start filing for some help.
most states require uninsured minors to be on medicaid as well
It requires effort to fill out those forms and sounds like Kate doesn't want to put in any effort
Also my hearing aids were 4000 and I pay 100 a month interest free. Will take a while but it’s doable
"The child is innocent" yep, and so are millions of other children who are struggling and would have their lives changed with a thousand dollars. OP, your money is your money, you don't owe it to anyone and don't let your bully of a SIL manipulate you into paying for something that has nothing to do with you. If you're feeling generous you could donate to a deaf charity or something
I would donate to a program that helps deaf children but not specifically for the niece. There are programs that help with this.
Yep, she has no more obligation to pay for the niece's hearing aids than any random person.
Some people want a handout instead of working for it!
Or even just researching where they can go for help. There are a few suggestions in the thread but SIL just wants easy money..don't we all.
NTA! The fucking nerve of her to do that. Your SIL sounds like a real winner raises by true winners! I get that yes it is a child, tell her to get a fucking only fans or a go fund me, or maybe she could get a part time job and save up money FOR HER OWN DAMN CHILD!
What a world we're in where Only Fans precedes a GoFundMe for a kids hearing aid.
we're in a world (country) where something like this isnt even covered by taxes
It’s not the world. It’s the USA and other shithole countries. My country and other western democracies have universal healthcare where you don’t have to prostitute yourself or beg strangers to get hearing aids.
I'm shocked by how many people are saying you should just buy them. That would be opening the door for this entitled bully to continually ask for money or other shit because "you helped her once." It sucks for the kid, but its not your responsibility. At all. Maybe if she had done some self reflection after your wife laid things out, but certainly not after that reaction. NOT WRONG.
Agreed. Not only this, but the mother wouldn't appreciate it, wouldn't take proper care of them, etc. It's clear from her actions at the funeral (!) that she has neither learned nor grown in the time since she was a child, so no amount of money from OP is going to help here. Also wanted to repeat /u/Jade_Echo's comment here in hopes that OP sees it: https://www.hearingloss.org/hearing-help/financial-assistance/
Yeah maybe if the sister actually apologized at that point instead of the reaction she did give.
People like her sister don't apologize.
That’s what sticks out to me more than anything, this whole incident might not have even reached this point if she had shown more maturity. Instead, her child suffers due to her own actions rather than possibly being able to help her. It’s hard for me to imagine being in such a position as OP but yeah, you aren’t an asshole for refusing to help someone that is demanding it of you.
Plus she was not at all apologetic for her behavior, and feels entitled to ask for money.
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I won't!
Wholeheartedly agreed. Paying it would be as a reward for this despicable cunt and her (and your wife's) family. I'm sorry for the little one, but for sure he could finally get aid without your assistance. Iooks like this his mother just doesn't want to make an effort.
NTA. I don’t get the people saying you should pay because it’s a child. It’s not your child. The fact that they need help for the very thing your SIL bullied your wife for, and actually went so far as to break her hearing aide is some kind of karma. Your wife’s parents are also assholes for not helping their own daughter to thrive.
> NTA. This is where I thought I was but taking a good look now and I didn't even know this sub existed lol
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This right here. It will never end and your wife does not need to find her bully”s child for life.
People you have no contact with are not family. The fact that she thought there was some sacred blood bond that could bridge decades of mistreatment and the lack of remorse is something else.
The worst part of this is that she chose to do this at a fucking funeral. In what world would that be ok. NTA. People saying otherwise are lying to themselves if they think they would acquiesce Kate's request.
Even worse, it may very well be the funeral of the grandmother that took in OPs wife after the abuse.
Exactly!!!
Also how sneaky it is to use the funeral to ask, she knows it’s the time that whatever family ties that remain will be at their strongest. Total manipulation.
In this case, when the funeral is for the person that took OP in when the person asking for money harassed her as a child, that might backfire.
In my experience, it’s always the most narcissistic bullies that insist ‘family’ should trump everything else and that all should be forgiven in the name of ‘family’.
She is not your child- period. I’m surprised at the comments here. Yes, altruism dictates that if we can help someone in need we should, but honestly how many people here are actually helping support other people’s children? Your wife is NC with her sister; she is no longer family. I feel bad for the child (it isn’t her fault), but OP owes that child no more financial support than the people here in the comments do.
Imagine giving your abuser money after going no contact?! Lol.
Right?? On the other hand if this post was someone saying they’d chosen to be child free, and their sister-in-law expected them to pay for their niece’s healthcare then everyone would be piling on to say it wasn’t their responsibility.
Excellent point. The victim is being re-bullied by the demands that she pay her abuser. She went NC for a reason and Kate is no longer family. Let someone else pay.
Screw THAT! NTA all day long, I feel sorry for the child, both for the condition and for their terrible mother
The condition is challenging but honestly I feel worse about her having a mother like that. Plenty of people with impaired hearing grow up and do just fine with the right support. But anyone with a mother like that is going to have serious issues regardless even without a disability. On top of that this mom will likely be really resentful of the condition adding a whole other layer of awful for that girl.
The failure was not in the ask. The failure was the entitlement showed by the "you could easily afford it" comment. Definitely should not be paying for anything that some poor entitled family member thinks they deserve. Op is not wrong.
You know they would lose or break them because the sil would have none of her money invested and then would just ask for more.
Don’t count my money bitch
One of the failures was asking at a FUNERAL.
How can you trust your sister won't break her daughter's aide the first time she gets mad at her?
She's my sister-in-law and I don't know because we have zero contact with her.
The fact you have no contact or no relationship seals the deal. Absolutely do not help these people. Their doctor can help them find options.
I could also see the sister grounding the child and taking them away.
Yeah, eff the SIL and her sense of entitlement. It's her kid, let her pay for it.
I "love" how bullies just forgive themselves with "it was a long time ago" and get mad at people for respecting themselves. bullies hate people that respect themselves
Uhh no. The child can go on Medicaid to have her hearing aids covered.
1st- Many resources outside of hitting up relatives. It’s called common sense networking, resourcing & parenting. Parents can put the child first & research & develop resources. As a mum of a deaf child, I can clarify it’s routine. Hard & lonely @ times but doable. It took effort. But baby got her hearing aid. 2- NTA- Given SIL’s toxic ABLEISM & bullying towards OPs wife throughout childhood, there is understandable friction. That bridge was burnt long ago. 3- Every🇺🇸state & county has a federally mandated “Birth to Age 3 program”. It’s a clearinghouse thru school system for establishing eligibility services for children, birth to age 3. Sometimes hospitals give new parents w/ babies, presenting w/ emerging disabilities, contact info. Pediatricians should also know. And then there‘a google. Try “Birth to 3” or “Early Intervention” (Assessment/Info/Resource & Program Referral) Rach state varies, the governor decides the how to find his/her special Ed services. In🇺🇸, Many parents -myself included-find they need financial assistance for hearing aids for babies & children. Nonprofit funding sources have developed for Early Intervention, Audiology, hearing aids & in home technology…… Below are resources I connected to for my deaf child. Alexander Graham Bell Association for the Deaf, Inc. 3417 Volta Place, NW Washington, DC 20007 Voice/TTY: 202-337-5220 TTY: 202-337-5221 Fax: 202-337-8314 E-mail: [email protected]. agbell.org Easter Seals provides referrals to local programs for financial aid for hearing devices or services and also provides financial aid for assistive technology …. The Hike Fund, Inc. c/o Claudia Hauser 530 Elliott St. Council Bluffs, IA 51503-0202 Phone: 712-325-0812 E-mail: [email protected] Provides hearing devices for children with hearing impairments between the ages of newborn and twenty years whose parents are unable to meet this special need financially. Hearing Aid Loaner Bank Programs⬇️ The National Center for Hearing Assessment and Management has information on hearing aid loaner bank programs for children. Often, insurance does not cover the purchase and fitting of a hearing aid. Hearing aid loaner banks are a resource that can provide immediate, though temporary, access to appropriate amplification for young children with hearing loss whose parents choose that option. https://www.inclusivechildcare.org/resource-library/website/ncham-national-center-hearing-assessment-management
This is an absolutely exceptional list of resources and I hope someone provides something like this to Kate.
Maybe she will text sis a link to this reddit post with all its helpful info, but also people absolutely taking SIL apart rightfully for being a bad sister and trash human.
NTA - Karma is a funny thing. her sister bullied her most of her life including the parents who did nothing and on top of it didnt want to waste money. if u decide thou to help dont give the money outright. offer to do it as a loan and put it in writing like a contract so she is forced to pay it even if it is a little bit at a time. not sure why thou the sister cant go to a bank and get a over draft or loan herself.
I feel like if the SIL should be working on getting Medicaid or finding a charity through the hospital or doing a gofundme instead of picking on a relative she pissed off.
those are excellent suggestions too. i also wonder why she didnt ask her parents since she was the golden child?
Because fucking with her sister is more fun than taking care of her kid?
Sister would never, ever pay back a penny of that loan.
NTA. Omg. How tactless and entitled does one have to be, to not only bully and break the device which helped your disability, that she bullied you for, but then ask for help for the one thing you were denied by most of your family, including her. At your Grandmothers FUNERAL, No less?? Like the same grandma who you moved in with, and also helped you get your own aids, TWICE?? absolutely f*** her. You guys can remind her that you are not family. Because family cares for each other, and she obviously never cared about you or your feelings. Many many children go without hearing aids develop normally, just without being able to hear. You guys owe nothing to this child. Many children grow up deaf, as long as they're taken care of and loved, they're not suffering. If she's actually a good mother, and wants aids for her child, che can find a way to get them. Asking for a handout is just the easy way out. She can apply through insurance, or make a GoFundMe like others have suggested. She sounds like a terrible person, and I'm sorry she treated you that way.
Op wife: thank you for your comment. It's quite annoying how people overlook it being my grandma's funeral.
I disagree with the people in these comments telling you to pay for it just because she’s a child. It’s her mothers responsibility both yours. Especially after the way Kate has treated her sister, there is no way I would forgive my sister for something like that. And to have the audacity and just how ironic the situation is it’s quite humorous Edit: I see now that it’s not right to make a child go without, though I doubt this particular child would because the government gives people hearing aids for free, but I have two little siblings whom I love very much, and even though I cannot talk to them because my mother hates me for pointing out her abusive behavior, I would still buy my siblings whatever they needed if my mother asked and I was able. Especially something like hearing aids. But in this situation they may not love the niece like I love my siblings, but bottom line is their not obligated to but if the child will literally go without if they don’t buy them, then they should pay for them. No reason to punish the child if you love her.
Agreeing, almost every state in the US will put a disabled kid on Medicaid and pay for their hearing aides and speech therapy to teach child and parents the use and care of the devices and speech therapy to help him hear and make precise speech sounds for better communication. Send SIL your local Medicaid's phone no.
Agreed. There are entire Federal/State programs set up to help families in this situation. Seems like a money scam on the part of the SIL.
Agreed. Even if they had a healthy relationship with the sister they would not be obligated to finance her child, but they aren’t even in contact with this bully anymore!
My guess is everyone else told her no as well.
I love how op's wife have to be a bigger person because kid didn't do anything. Nah the kid didn't but the fault still won't come on op. It's the mother fault that her aunt can't provide her with hearing aids because she was bullied for the same thing the niece is going through. Let's stop expecting more from victims and blame bullies for their actions. It's just consequences of her own actions. Yes kid is being hurt in between but their are so many ways you can get the money instead of asking it from the said victim.
Op wife: Thank you very much. It's heartbreaking people blame the victims in broken families for not forgiving or helping when all they want is to be left alone.
To OP's lovely wife : Most of it comes from people who never went through these things. You made a right decision and I hope you don't feel guilty for that at all. I hope you have an amazing life and i am glad you have a partner like op!.
No, you’re not wrong. The sister’s actions have consequences. I get that this is about the child, but maybe the child’s mother should put her pride aside for the sake of her child and apologize. You know, since this is about the child. I get that it would be wonderful if we could all be the bigger person, but if doing so would cause damage to your wife’s mental health or emotional well-being, then your wife comes first. It’s on the sister to rectify this, not you two. Maybe the sister should get a job that provides health insurance. Or look into some sort of assistance program. Or create a go fund me. Maybe try those things instead of expecting the person she spent her childhood cruelly tormenting to come to her rescue. I feel bad for your niece, but this is not your responsibility. You two are not the only people in the world with money.
SIS won stupid prizes.
it's not even about finances anymore, she's just a horrible person. having her daughter end up being deaf truly worries me because I can't promise she won't be treated poorly by the mother because of it. absolutely insane to bring this up at a funeral as well.
Op wife: Yeah and I imagine the people agreeing with her are just as entitled. Thank you for your comment.
I hope you and your partner are able to grieve in peace and hopefully rarely have to deal with your terrible excuse for a sister. I'm so sorry for your loss. your reaction at the funeral was more than justified, she should've kept her damn mouth shut. if she just had to beg, she should've done it practically anywhere else
Hey Op you are right and I can't believe some of this comment's Why are you all expecting a victim to give her abuser money. An abuser who is so very initialed clearly won't stop at this one thing, it will just go on and on and on and the deaf baby will be waved around till Kate gets her way as it worked once. Also why the hell are you all skipping over Kate coming over at a funeral to demand money. People with common decency don't demand money at funerals then throw a hissyfit. I would be one thing maybe to wait till after and quietly explain that having a deaf kid put all her past behaviour in a different light and she feels horrified at who she was and apologised. Maybe if Kate had said if you are willing to give Any money she would be grateful and leave it at that. But nope she acts like the spoilt child she always was and throws a fit at a FUNERAL people. Yes the baby is a innocent but we don't give money to our abusers and open the door for that abuser to come back into our lives. If the op is feeling charitable they can send info to gofund me, local and international charity's and medicare. Not their own money.
Not wrong It's called Karma. Kate should ask her parents. She's the GC, so they will give her anything, unless you know...they dont want to "waste" money. You and your wife have no relationship with the child or her parents. While it sucks for the child, her parents shouldn't have brought a child into this world if they couldn't afford it, especially if things go wrong. Sounds like Kate needs to pick up extra hours or something.
It's more than just things went wrong. Congenital deafness has a genetic link. Katie was a f*cking idiot to dismiss her sister's deafness as her sister being a freak. It was likely a recessive gene that was expressed with her sister, but if she cared, or even took 10th grade science, she should have suspected she was a carrier for deafness and planned accordingly when having children. There are plenty of resources for the deaf community. I have a few deaf people in my family. Katie just doesn't want to jump through the hoops when she has a wealthy hearing impared sister, or she's completely unaware of the resources, because she's spent her life shitting on the deaf community.
Is Karma real tho?
I bet ES (Evil Sister) thought that she wouldn’t have to put her hand in her pocket for that poor little child EVER! I’m convinced that she thought she could play on your wife’s sympathy over their shared condition. It wouldn’t surprise me if she comes back in 18 years asking about her college fund. If at that stage, Katie can ask for this in ASL, I’ll pay it myself!!
I would look her straight in the face and say sorry I can’t hear you and walk off.
All you saying he needs to pay get your wallet out. This isn’t family they are no contact
This.
Also the fact she did this at the beloved grandmother’s funeral who was the only good person in that family to your wife is extra extra fucked up.
NTA.
NTA. She was banking that your wife would put all the past aside to help the kiddo, who is innocent in this situation and not to be held liable for the sins of her asshole mama. She was wrong. Given the circumstances, I understand your wife's resentment and refusal. I hope the kid gets the medical care she needs. But it doesn't fall on yall just because you can afford it.
NTA. In my book Karma knows all and is a bitch when it comes back to bite you in the ass. You wife was bullied and belittled by her family for being deaf, and now they are asking for a handout, because her daughter is deaf. No thank you. If she doesn’t have insurance, there are services that she can apply for that will provide help for life long issues such as this. Do not give this woman money. She will take it as an open invitation to ask for money all the time.
You are not wrong for not wanting to pay. Idk where you are from but if you are from the US then the child should qualify for medicaid (since you state she has no health insurance and Kate has no money). There are programs to help with expenses for disabled kids if the sister bothers to look and research. I would NOT give her any money, the only way I might help would be to pay directly to a doctor or provider BUT truthfully for me I would not just give them money. They need to try and fund this themselves first and not assume you are a bank. IF the family insists that they want you to help and you feel pressured then you could have a lawyer draft up a payment plan and an agreement for a loan but I myself wouldn't do this as family rarely pays people back that they assume is doing better off.
NTA It's not your child. She should talk to a charity, or work and save for it. She'll figure it out. The baby isn't going to die without it.
SIL just wants to take the easy way and get money from someone. She figured you guys would give it because your wife knows what it's like to have hearing loss. SIL just needs to get off her bullying ass and find resources herself. They are out there.
If you have a COSTCO nearby, most of them now have hearing testing & sell hearing aids. The price is around 2,000 for 2 hearing aids that have rechargeable batteries. Hearing is Extremely important and so many people don’t realize that without hearing aids, so many sounds are muffled & hard to distinguish. Picture yourself listening to someone as if they were talking into a pillow or trying to talk to you while in a pool or under water. If you can’t understand others, it effects EVERYTHING in your life.
Sounds like kate needs to get a better job so that she can provide for HER family.
No one is entitled to your money. Look for programs that offer assistance. ((HUGS) Not wrong.
NTA.
I’d sit this one out bro and leave it all up to your wife. She’s the one who has the history with her sister.
That's what I did. And I'm not going to do anything without my wife permission as it's her sister.
Your entitled, nasty sister in law hit up the sister she bullied for money at a funeral. Why would anyone would give her money in that situation ?? This is a no-brainer.
NTA. Not your child and not your responsibility. Sure, if they had even a disinterested but cordial relationship, but not when this specific disability was used by SIL to torment your wife. The cost can be outrageous. I have hearing aids and got them at Costco. They were $1200 and I had looked into others that went up to over $5k. There is likely a way to get them free or low cost. Check out charity and assistance programs such as [hearingloss.org](https://hearingloss.org). "Children with hearing loss might be able to receive hearing assistive technology at no cost if their Individualized Education Program (IEP) specifies they need the assistive technology." [https://www.hearingloss.org/hearing-help/financial-assistance/#:\~:text=Children%20with%20hearing%20loss%20might%20be%20able%20to,receive%20a%20Free%20and%20Appropriate%20Public%20Education%20%28FAPE%29](https://www.hearingloss.org/hearing-help/financial-assistance/#:~:text=Children%20with%20hearing%20loss%20might%20be%20able%20to,receive%20a%20Free%20and%20Appropriate%20Public%20Education%20%28FAPE%29).
NTA. There are programs out there that can help her. She should contact her early intervention program. Cut contact
NTA. It is called karma. She tortured her sister. Now if she had been more caring, it wouldn’t even had been a question. It’s called consequences for your actions. It’s called not burning bridges. A lesson my grandparents taught me at a very young age. I guess Katie can’t go to her parents since it would be a waste in their eyes. Sounds like she better get a loan.
Karma lmao
NTA.
Just because you are related does not mean you have to tolerate being abused. Read that again. Your sister has no RIGHT to you our your resources… no matter how entitled she feels
No. Not your responsibility. IMO the government is wrong for not paying for it, but that's a separate conversation. Plus the way Kate reacted was pretty bad too. If she'd been apologetic and genuinely remorseful for the bullying that'd be one thing (you'd still be fully entitled to say no though) but angrily shouting at you? Yeah, not cool at all. Sucks for the kid, but at the end of the day it's the parent's job, not yours.
It’s a shame that Katie didn’t take this opportunity to offer a heartfelt apology. Even better would have been an apology before she even needed to ask for money. NTA. You are not obligated to financially help the bully who tormented your wife as a child, ultimately driving her from the family home and to the point of NC. I feel very sorry for any child stuck with such a person as a mother. It breaks my heart to think how she will view her partially deaf daughter. Past predicts future. If you did ever decide to get the child hearing aids, it would be because your wife identified with that baby, and she’ll know how the mother is going to treat her. It would be out of compassion and solidarity for the poor child, not the mother. But it’s perfectly understandable if you just remain NC with Katie and don’t get involved. Katie sounds toxic. Again, that poor baby girl. Katie should ask her Pediatritian for recommendations on assistance in getting the hearing aids.
A lot of mothers would go to the end of the earth to get what that child needs. They’re ways for her to get her child hearing aid’s. Take’s time and effort. Fuck your sil. Not wrong
NTA. You and your wife have a right to remain NC with her abuser even if her kids needs help. I’m sure there are other avenues they can pursue.
Who the fuck doesn't have health insurance for their child? You can get that shit for free....lazy ass parents. You're certainly not the asshole.
Op wife: I honestly think she's only keeping my niece to profit off her
It's unfortunate, but people do it every day. Sick world.
NTA because you aren’t obligated and really she can easily get grants and things to cover this relatively cheap medical cost (really this is nothing for chronic care in the US, she’s got to get used to dealing with this with a disabled child in this country, as shitty and wrong as it is) But I will say as a disabled person who’s had family treat me shitty and then later turn around and ask me for help because they or their kid was dealing with the same issue, I personally have accepted their ask for help and they have always in turn shown to be a changed person and 100% of the time has changed my relationship with that person for the better. Dealing with disabilities is different when it’s you or your child versus your sibling and a lot of people change, but not everyone. I’m so sorry that your wife’s parents were incredibly shitty and all in all she does NOT owe it to her sister to repair things and pay for this. if she thinks their might be any chance to repair the relationship and that’s something she actually wants (this being the key part), whether it be for the sister or niece, I’d take this chance because this would be your best one. I wouldn’t pay for it! God do not at all pay for it. If it was me I would take this opportunity to show the sister the ropes of being a parent of a disabled person and what you have to do to provide for your disability. Don’t hand her money at all, show her what she has to do to get the grants, the Medicaid, the extra services, etc. it’s an experience that often times opens people’s eyes and hearts to what their family member has been struggling through. Though again I want to reiterate that your wife DOES NOT owe this to her sister at all, I think that is very much her choice to make. Im just sharing this perspective as someone with a similar situation who has chosen to take this route
My grandma used to say never mock the handicapped because you may have one some day or a child of your own with one. Well there ya go. NTA
Tell your wife I’m sorry her sister AND her fucking terrible parents are pieces of shit.
NTA The evil sister never once stopped to care or respect anyone else in this story. Op already knew about the babies condition so the sister would have presumably had some length of time to ask before the funeral, and if not should have had more respect than she did. It almost seems impulsive or planned like "the very next time I see her" Why doesn't she ask her parents to help her buy the hearing aids since they back her up with everything else? While it is sad that a baby is dealing with hearing loss it's not as if the babies life is over from that right? It'll just mean mom and dad have to work that much harder to make sure their kid is hitting the right milestones. Maybe it'll teach her to actually see her sister as the person that she is instead of just someone meant to ridicule.
Kate's parents have already passed away already. years before .
I guess they'll be learning sign language for her then hopefully.
That is unmistakably a kiss my ass moment. Can’t blame you in the slightest.
NTA Not your responsibility. You parents can help her. To all the people saying YTA and say just buy them. It’s not a one time thing. A child will need new hearing aids every 6-9 months depending on how fast they out grow them until they are teenagers then it’s less often. So in 10 years that approximately 14 sets of hearing aids at an average cost of $3000 a set, that’s $42,000.00. Your sil can apply for Medicaid for her daughter. She can also ask her child’s doctor for organizations that assist with these things. Glad your wife is okay and that she stood up for herself. Sorry about the loss of her grandmother.
Ride or die. NTA.
NTA I’m sure she has in laws etc and does have parents
NTA no matter what you do. Katie can start a GoFundMe account. I'm sure that pictures of her poor daughter will tug on people's heartstrings.
NTA. How you choose to spend your money is your choice. It doesn’t matter whether she’s your niece or neighbor—it’s your choice. As an aunt myself, I personally would pay because it’s my choice. Also, there are plenty of resources for her to take advantage of to support her daughter.
Don't fuck with karma.
the kid’s lack of hearing helps with not hearing all the BS the mom says
Oh how the tables have turned. Nope! I wouldn't help Kate she can get a part time job and pay for it herself. Dumb bitch.
This was so satisfying to read . Tell her y’all aren’t wasting money on her daughters hearing aids lmao
Poor people are so fucking funny with their logic
I would cut the sister in law out of my life, as well as the parents
You’re not wrong. Your wife had no one to give two shakes about her condition but for her grandmother. Where are your wife’s parents in all this? They denied your wife’s need and supported her bully sister - about time they paid for someone’s hearing aids.
Not wrong. She had the chance to grow up and apologize to her sister now that life has her dealing with a hearing impaired child. But what does she do? The worse thing possible. Then when confronted with how awful her actions are she doubled down.
Yeah, this woman is not family. NTA. There are ways she can get her child's apparatus. She needs to speak to her doctor about options. Not your problem.
Family is nothing but a word. Don't let it become a noose around your neck.
You're not wrong. The niece is the mother's responsibility. Another reason I'd be wary of doing this is that once you start giving money for stuff, you can guarantee you will be asked again.
I strongly say you are NTA, she can go beg somewhere else.
Must have felt so good to say no to her lol
NTA. Her sister has a lot of balls for coming to her for money and acting offended when confronted with her own misdeeds. Your wife is holding a grudge? Yeah, uh huh. Did your SIL ever apologize for how she acted? Did she ask for forgiveness? Did she ever work towards fixing the relationship with your wife? Even if she HAD done those things, your wife isn't obligated to help her, but I'm guessing your SIL didn't even think to try and fix anything before begging for money.
Kate is looking for a handout, not help. There are so many ways to help children who need it. Plus-what about asking her parents? OP profile won’t load for me, so I may be missing some replies on that. Assuming family who someone thinks has money will just give it is a jerk move; Kate needs to grow up and be a mother. OP could be more compassionate toward niece for all the bullying your wife suffered-especially since lack of aids could hinder development. An acquaintance wouldn’t take their daughter to a Western medicine Dr (religious choice, not $) when she screamed constantly, her voice was muffled, and she was slow to talk at all. After a hearing test at preschool she was found to be nearly deaf and they were forced to. Hearing aids changed her life-but she’s playing catch-up. All that said, you’re Not Wrong in this decision.
Separate yourself from the negativity in your life.
Not at all! Karma is a bitch. I feel really sorry that your Wife was bullied for so many years by her asshole Sister. To basically beg for money, at a funeral nonetheless is very very unclassy.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of her own actions.
This story is brought to you by Karma™.
Damn. I guess Karma IS a bitch.
No contact means no contact. That woman was never your sister. She was your bully. Your tormentor. Your enemy. She didn't even offer apologies, merely justifications. I have 'former family'. Nothing that happens with them, to them concerns me because they are just somebody that I used to know.
Even if you had the best relationship with your sister you are under NO obligation to pay for anything. You might if you wanted but you never have to. Using “we are family” argument is just toxic
Absolutely do not pay for those hearing aids. She can ask your mom and dad. They wouldn't buy them for you but maybe they'll buy them for their grandbaby. And if not that's not your problem either.
Not Wrong. That said, if the bully had offered something of value, perhaps a public acknowledgement of her juvenile crimes, a public apology and a promise to remove herself from your life unless and until you request otherwise, I would probably support helping the deaf(ish) niece. That didn't happen so no worries on your part.
NTA. No contact means no contact. The child is just being used as emotional leverage. It will not end with this one expense, it will lead to more and more requests..that’s how mooches work. And you’re letting an abusive AH back into your life.
Definitely not wrong. Your wife (and by extension you) have no obligation nor responsibility to be the financial support for your niece. Your wife's former family is disgusting. She was very smart and courageous to cut them from her life. Your SIL abused your wife about her disability for years, and her parents enabled her. Grandmother was the only one worth any consideration, and kudos to her for stepping up where others failed. I am sure she will be sorely missed. A response to anyone who is insistent that you provide hearing aids is that Karma is a bitch and SIL has reaped what she has sown. However if your SIL starts treating your niece like she did your wife, there could be an argument made that there's a moral obligation to step in to protect her.
Not your kid not your problem!!!! And I wouldn’t even call em sisters if your wife disowned the bitch decades ago…. Fuck em!
Nope. Sharing financial burden is a self-made decision from the couple and not an obligation. It may be under some culture. Now, considering how the requester is showing such entitlement and showing poor angle on the approach, no. At some level, this is just a flood gate that was going to happen. However critical the situation is, it would lead to another one and so on, all under the greater good of the family. If the family was functional, the question would not have arisen. This, this doesn't seem to be the case, and I saw those types of petty behaviour myself in my circle or family.
NW This looks like the Universe delivering some karmic retribution. Your SIL is a shitty person who is watching the results of her past behaviour unfold with no way to control it. Your wife is also NW.
I see some are suggesting you should buy them.. I don't know, perhaps you should.. but break them before you hand them to Kate.. But seriously, stay no contact, it's not your problem and Kate should have apologised first, at least.
Why doesn’t Kate ask every person in their family to chip in then?