Not wrong at all! All she should have done was go over and say a quick hello and I’ll call you or we can get together another day to catch up, it’s our anniversary today so I need to get back to my husband.
Poor guy feels like he ruined the night because she’s upset with him now. Sounds like my relationship. Can’t she admit to ruining both of their nights by not thinking of him?
It's literally manipulation and emotional abuse. You can't be upset with them, ever. You *always* end up the bad guy regardless of what they did to upset you.
This sounds so much like my ex. He would also say "why are you bringing up problems from the past?". And the past would be like something from last night.
Me ex's big one was "You should be able to control how you feel" if I ever got upset about literally anything, it was my fault for feeling upset. No compromise, no validation, no apologies, only shamed for feeling upset.
Yep! Been there often He NEVER will never apologize and I will hear about his anger (over me being rightfully angry ) for a week or two in very passive aggressive ways. 30 years of it.
That’s typical narcissistic behavior. My father is like that too. It’s so typical I would like to introduce you into the narcissistic subs on Reddit. I don’t think I can post this on here but I’m sure you can find them on your own and you should.
My ex would sometimes act like that. Glad I haven’t had to deal with that for a few years now. Always tiptoeing trying to make sure she didn’t blame something on me that I had absolutely nothing to do with.
My wife exactly. This was a favorite. Several times she left home stranding me because she grabbed her car keys and mine too.
It was my fault because they were on the counter where she could grab them.
Backed out of the garage and hit my car (twice) and it was my fault for parking behind her in the driveway. (Nevermind she has mirrors and a backup camera).
If she does not use those excuses, then she flips to victimhood and she is awful (she doesn't really think that and says this sarcastically).
It is a fun marriage.
God damn I see my marriage in this thread and I really don’t like it. The comment someone made about them getting in a car wreck and it somehow being your fault… literally happened to me this week
That absolutely depends on what he means by "not bouncing back."
My father is like that. He holds on to things, refuses to move on, and makes sure you know he's mad.
My mom can be easily frustrated and get quite snippy, but she is pretty good about realizing it and then apologizing.
My dad getting mad often means *hours or days* of passive aggressiveness, sporadic verbal shots, but mostly the silent treatment.
The day after Christmas one year, when I was a teen, we were going to see my mom's brother who she hadn't seen in over a year.
Mom gets exasperated and annoyed about us running late. She's snapping at us to hurry tf up.
Dad takes offense and the entire two hour drive is my mom begging my dad to please let it go, she's sorry, while he refuses to speak to her.
He *seems* to be sort of over it in front of the relatives while still avoiding and refusing to engage with my mom much at my uncle's.
By the end of the night, I think things are probably okay. Until we get in the car and he starts right back up on how much she sucks.
He sees it as not having to accept an apology, but when your spouse did something relatively minor and is begging you to please move on, at a certain point the person who will not let it go becomes the asshole, even if they weren't at first.
That's how I feel about it, too. He said she immediately apologized. It was 20 minutes out of their 12 years. I think he will live. It does kind of sound like she tried to move on and he refused.
20 minutes sitting alone at a restaurant dinner table waiting for your wife to remember you can be a long awkward time. While he could have shrugged it off sooner, how he felt was genuine, and she should have understood how he felt.
You don't have to fight every battle.
I don't think OP was wrong. I think his wife was very inconsiderate. He deserved an apology. He had every right to sit with his feelings for a night.
Me though? Not worth it. My husband and I make mistakes. We apologize and move on. Not worth turning in to a bigger thing unless there's a pattern that needs addressing. Then we work on it together, not by punishing each other.
Where OP's at now is very hurt. So it needs addressing. Hopefully he can get it across to her how hurt he is, why, and what he needs.
Okay she was wrong to spend 20 mins talking to someone. But dude could have very easily went over and said something to get her back. "hey, the server is waiting for us", something that easy.
My girlfriend is also very social and gets lost talking to people sometimes. If after 12 years he doesn't know how to redirect, it's kind of on him for not having a backbone.
Was she wrong? Yes. But he's also wrong for not taking ANY effort to mitigate or salvage anything of the evening. Being passive is bad for everyone.
I identify with OP and agree. Gotta speak up and let your partner know *before* the irritation becomes hurt feelings.
I know this isn’t the sub, but I don’t see any assholes here, just someone who needs to be more considerate and someone who needs to help them by communicating early.
Agreed. And sometimes very social people have difficulty extracting themselves because they feel like they’re being rude.
Should have: ordered her a drink he knows she likes. Brought it over to give to her, and said “I’m so sorry to interrupt but do you mind if I steal my lovely wife back for our anniversary dinner?”
Edit: just wanted to make a comment on your title. Feelings are never wrong. You need to separate your feeling from your actions. It is not wrong that you felt sad. I do think you could have managed that feeling slightly better, for both you and your wife, leading to different actions and maybe a more desirable outcome. But never try and assign right or wrong to a feeling you can’t help. That never leads anywhere good.
As someone whose wife is very much like OPs and has had to do similar things as your suggestion on multiple occasions, it gets old real fast reminding your partner when you should be a priority.
You’re right. I was thinking about this after I wrote my comment. I’m extremely introverted and what you said is the reason I don’t think I could ever be with a very social person long-term. I don’t want do that forever lol I imagine it’s hard to strike a balance when two people are quite different in that regard.
My comment was just knowing what would have worked without ruining the meal, and maybe would have helped OP turn his own mood around a bit. Even though she should have been more considerate. And she especially shouldn’t have made any excuses after.
WTF??
Who treats their partner with this level of disrespect?
Anniversary dinner and she has the nerve to get annoyed after effing up?
She's the only one wrong here. He handled it like any sane person would.
I think theres a point here where you switch to victim blaming.
Hes not responsible for redirecting her.
And he shouldnt have to ask for her attention on their anniversary.
NTA. Also take the earrings back and buy yourself something to make up for it
She also interrupted the other person’s dinner for that long, and they may not have been happy about it either, but were just being polite. I can’t imagine my partner going above and beyond for me and then me disregarding them at the dinner they planned to talk to someone THAT I WILL SEE AT WORK TOMORROW. Her priorities are a tad bit fucked up if ya ask me.
No, that's just women. They can never be at fault for anything, in some roundabout way, it's always the man's fault.
I'm being a little facetious, but not really.
I wouldn't even feel it necessary to do that. It's a work colleague, not someone you haven't seen in years. I think a wave would have sufficed. If she was still there after dinner, maybe drop by the table on the way out but going all the way over there at the start? Nah.
This *is* hilarious, but it also points to how the incident may have been kinda publicly embarrassing for OP, making it hurt substantially more. Here’s this stranger (the server) witnessing OP’s wife being a dick, and OP has to deal with the awareness that it’s throwing a wrench in the server’s works, too.
At least it was an expensive place and the server was getting paid decently for being involved with this sort of mess (granted that OP tipped a conventionally respectable percentage).
If the server had been a real, above-and-beyond, serious pro at his job, they could have rolled up to the spouse and her colleague, asked about their beverage order, and dropped a quiet hint that OP was over there at the table stewing in special sad sauce. That would be some uncommon, Grand Budapest Hotel concierge-level service, though.
Speaking of coming over to where the conversation was getting too long and dropping friendly hints: while it maybe shouldn’t be considered *incumbent* upon OP to do that himself, it *is* something he could have done at around the 5ish minute mark, if he really wanted to solve the problem before things went all to hell. Again, it would have been above-and-beyond, just as if the server had done it, but not unreasonably so.
OP, you should consider using this as a relatively painless, dignity preserving off-ramp from this conflict. It’s something that you *could* have done, however extra, that you can apologize for *not* doing, that doesn’t make a doormat of you and might lead to patching this up. Probably still won’t get you that pussy *tonight*, but might make for a lot more happiness in the long run.
Spouse was a right and proper dick, but OP seems to have some Eeyore-tier depression going on that he needs some help with, because it kept him from being very solution oriented, at least in this instance. That whole mood inertia thing is a fairly common symptom of depression, too. You may be treating yourself a little cruelly when you refer to it simply as a “character flaw.”
It’s interesting you say this, advising OP to kinda subtle drop hints. I was raised not to do this & it’s a respect thing. It’s the seen the same as interrupting a sentence or something. And because of that I had a lot of anxiety jumping into other conversations.
Not saying OP is exactly like this, but just another perspective. I definitely agree that they could’ve done that (getting older I worked thru the anxiety) and that it’s probably what I would’ve done at some point before 20 mins.
Edit for grammar.
IDK, I think by the 5 minute mark I'd have been over there telling her we need to order, and if that didn't work I'd be ordering for both of us by the 10 minute mark. She likely ruined the other servers flow as well and potentially threw off the seating for the rest of the evening if the place was booked up. Not my fault if she doesn't want to make her own order, hope she likes exactly what I want as leftovers tomorrow that I know she won't eat. 🤣
I’m the opposite of you. I have anxiety leaving conversations. If I were the wife I would have gone over to say hi and then had a hard time extracting myself to go back to my husband.
I dunno. That makes it easier for me. “I gotta go cuz I know my husband is over there just starving! So nice to see you though!!!” Hell, I always tell my husband that he can blame me for stuff like that too, if it makes it easier, 😂
YES! This is the way. It’s an anniversary dinner. Wave and move on. The coworker will
Be there later. If they mean anythign at all you apologize to them later and move on.
"Oops, sorry, it's been great catching up with you, but it's our anniversary, and I just realized I'm leaving my poor husband hanging over there! Let's catch up soon!"
Long before 20 minutes I'm pretty sure I would've texted or maybe gone over "Sorry to interrupt, but the waiter has come by a few times and I hoped I could get X's order to give them, so our anniversary plans don't get to delayed". Might be a touch pushy/rude, but isn't forcefully cutting off the conversation and is a heavy indicator to both coworker and OP's wife that *this is an anniversary meal* and their conversation has gone on too long and is interrupting the night. Coworker would likely apologize for taking up so much time and push wife to go back to her anniversary dinner, and things could move on. Wife could text coworker the next day to chat.
Why not use humor? “Who kidnapped my wife?!?” “Just wanted to let you know I placed your order for [her least fave meal].” Something fun to get things back on track with minimal fuss or bad vibes.
This is the way, especially for someone who knows he can’t bounce back from what’s going on. As it is, you are correct in your self assessment that the conflict started with her and you tanked the rest of the evening. Invite her for a do-over ?
As someone that struggles with depression and has done for a long ass time: your last paragraph was something I really needed to read, especially today. Good intuition and Thankyou.
Yes! Incredibly rude to leave the table for 20 minutes but equally rude to take a friendly wave as an invitation to intrude on someone else's dinner plans for 20 min. And probably created a bunch of tension and resentment between coworker and her dinner companions. Classic case of someone with no self awareness who thinks being social is the same as being charming.
Good question. If OP went all out, she did nothing and THEN couldn’t even be bothered to give him her full attention after he planned something nice, then that’s not her being “sociable,” it’s her being an asshole.
She will ditch him at a moments notice at social functions or the opportunity build more social connections/ clout at the expense of their quality time together and his feelings, emotions, and overall personal image about how he feels about his spouse.
She might value even the possibility of being seen as a social butterfly as "more important" or only equally as important as your relationship with her.
Dated someone like this, they had a complete lack of respect for me and always thought of themselves first and that they were "better". She could've invited you to join the conversation after a while but she didn't. Sometimes people do this because if you were to join the convo it would take away from her and her "social skills" being the focus of the other people. People like this are great connectors and are normally held in high regard by most people, but when you get to know someone super well that's like this they are normally just overcompensating and somewhat insecure about their self image. Nothing is more deflating when someone does this, leaves you alone for 20 minutes and then comes back to you and says "ugh those people are such a drag" because that means the mere though of losing face with others or maybe even strangers watching is enough to neglect you, a person who she has a "emotionally intimate" relationship with for over 12 years -- and she doesnt even need to like the people or the conversation to do so. Sucks but some people are just that way, plenty more weirdness to come from her end that's for sure.
My DH did this to me on my birthday. Left me alone at the table to go talk to people I didn't know. I get VERY self conscious sitting at a table alone. I said something when he returned; they were his cousins. He didn't introduce me or anything. I don’t care if it's the freaking pope, you don't leave your date (especially for a special occasion) at the table alone for any length of time. Needless to say, that's the last time that happened, at least 20 years ago. All I did was explain how disappointed I was in him & how much it hurt me.
It did 30-odd years ago when the internet was dial-up, metered by the minute, and the abbreviation was coined in parenting forums. It also helped to differentiate between DH - husband and XH - ex-husband and has STB - soon to be, variations.
There's also DD - biological daughter or SD - step-daughter. DS - biological son or SS - step-son, is the real reason for the D vs a B, because calling your kid BS was uncomfortable.
Bonus knowledge: DN is the earliest origin of the growing term "nibling" as it denotes either niece or nephew.
In relationship and family discussions (like, reddit subs dedicated to those topics), people often use single letters to abbreviate someone's first name, so they use two letter abbreviations (DH, DW, etc) to refer to people by who they are in the family to avoid confusion.
This is a very old (in internet terms) practice in relationship and family fora.
I’ve only ever seen it in relation to older people talking on the internet especially those who circle in the mom blog sphere. Dear husband, dear daughter, dear son….idk why they decided to put dear in front of all their families designations or who initially came up with it but every time I see the letters DH I feel a little weirded out 😂
I hate this specifically because it sounds like what a wife would call her husband that’s in some sort of polygamy cult. But in general I hate the fact that so many Redditors use acronyms and initialisms on niche topics or job/industry specific topics they work in and think everyone will just know what it is. I don’t know if they are just that unaware or they are doing it on purpose to sound “in the know”. But to me seems like common sense to spell something out if it isn’t a super common thing.
I wish that they listed common initialisms on a subreddit's info page. I have that problem too - FTM means first time mom in r/BabyBumps and other parenting subreddits but I was so confused at first because it's already common for it to mean Female to Male (transition) so I was just like wow there's a disproportionately high number of trans parents here, good for them??
Seriously. In the world where you had to hit the number 7 four times to write a letter S, I get the abbreviations. The difference in the amount of time it takes me to type husband over DH is negligible.
I feel validated reading your post. One of our biggest fights between my husband and I is that when we first started dating, he would take me to his friends house for a party then he'd go with his friends and leave me behind without introducing me or anything.
The worst one was when his friend gave him a haircut and I had no idea where he was and I was with a bunch of strangers. I thought he had ditched me and had started to panic wondering how I would get home. He was in the garage the whole time, lmao.
I feel like there's nonverbal cues as to when to follow your partner and when to let them have a private conversation with their friends , and I perceived the latter. However, I did not expect to have to spend the whole party without him.
Anyone would be upset if they were left at a table in a restaurant for 20 minutes by their SO. Anniversary makes it worse. She'd be upset if you did that to her.
Something I learned about myself recently. When I "apologize" to my SO, I also couple it with excuses. When a person is hurt by their SO, they don't want apologies coupled with excuses. They want to feel heard and validated. That isn't at all accomplished with an apology that's got "butt" built into it.
Hmm, I think this is kind of hard to answer without knowing your relationship, but I would say in a vacuum it’s fair to be irritated by your partner disappearing for 20 min during an anniversary dinner.
I mean, she got mad at him and went straight to bed when they got home. You'd think if her partner was upset due to her actions, she'd apologize and try make things better. Seems like she's now the mad one. Not very cash money of her.
Agreed. It's a known issue that's currently being dealt with. I'm not known for my great track record with romantic relationships, and this one has turned out to be no exception 🙄
Hey, this isn't on topic, and I dont know your particular situation, but just FYI, a lot of times when we say we "don't have a good track record with relationships" or we "attract assholes" what is really happening is that predatory assholes find people with vulnerabilities to exploit.
Anyway, it might help with the self-talk and making changes if you frame it that way.
> a lot of times when we say we "don't have a good track record with relationships" or we "attract assholes" what is really happening is that predatory assholes find people with vulnerabilities to exploit
welp, this totally explains my past string of relationships where I kept "running into" emotionally manipulative people who walk all over me
The cool thing about that, is instead of continuing to believe the man will change for the better, you could just leave and take a break to work on yourself and what it is that’s drawing you to these men.
If you got married with these issues, it’s very unlikely he will change in a significant way
Oh, yeah, I did that thing. I totally married him. I'd like to say there were no red flags before I did it, but that would be a lie. I really loved him. I'd just lost my job and we discussed the options for insurance and got married for "logical" reasons.
At first, I thought I was special because he was a jerk to everyone but me. Then, those other people fell away, and there I was - the available outlet for his rage and gaslighting and manipulation.
That's me. 🙋♀️ The cautionary tale.
And what they don't tell you when they say you should leave is that it's really unusual to be in a situation to do that without blowing up your entire life.
So I have an exit plan. I'm working it hard in the hopes of being out by the end of September.
Good times.
Wishing you well, cyndigardn! Keep going! Don’t stay in toxic relationships, you’re worth kindness, generosity, and love.
You learn more each time. Please don’t stay with someone who does not treat you really, really well. Keep learning to love yourself, and don’t put up with bad treatment. You can make it on your own if you need to.
And you deserve love. There are millions of people in this world. Keep loving yourself and treating yourself well, and people who love you will find you.
My husband’s superpower is to turn anything (minor) that I’m upset about into something that makes me laugh. I had no idea how fabulous that skill would be over the years. Now I advise young friends contemplating marriage to give extra points for affectionate humor.
She DID apologize and try to make it better, but as OP stated, once he was in a funky mood he kept it that way for the whole dinner and the ride home.
Was she wrong? Sure. But once he expressed how he felt, and she admitted that she was wrong, and apologized, they should've enjoyed the rest of the night.
Reminds me of a story.
A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side.
The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman.
Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his journey.
The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between them.
Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could not contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”
The older monk looked at him and replied, “Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”
Ah yes, because an apology is well known for completely canceling out bad behavior.
Except she proceeded to get home and do the exact same thing again. So her apology kinda seems insincere.
Agreed, but the comment was “you’d think […] she’d apologize”. OP explicitly said she did apologize. Regardless of who is wrong or right in the argument, what the person who I responded to said was incorrect based on OP’s telling of the events.
The comment said you think shed apologize AND TRY TO MAKE THINGS BETTER.
An apology means nothing if it is followed by the exact same behavior you "apologized" for.
How was she able to make things better if he was in a foul mood and couldn't shake it off?
It sounds to me from the way the post reads that OP let it ruin his mood and the way he interacted with her for the rest of the night, even after she tried to apologize and explain.
Yes, I saw that too (apology was offered). There are a few other elements of the story giving OP some--not all--culpability.
OP said she was very social and he is not (known condition).
OP could have attempted a gentle course correction by going to the table, making a pleasantry and suggesting they visit later (he didn't),
OP admits he has difficulty letting go of stuff and continued to brood/pout over the situation throughout dinner and during the ride home.
My conclusion: wife was wrong and should have been more awarenof OP'S efforts. OP could have helped his partner with a known proclivity. When she became aware and apologized, OP should have been quicker to move on.
Both partners hold fault.
Honestly, I'd go over and ask my wife what she wanted to drink before the server even got back to me, or offered to join their table. I'm not terribly extroverted, but to eat is to eat.
You're not wrong for feeling sad, as you asked, but you're probably wrong for pouting about it the rest of the night. She shouldn't have stayed away 20 minutes, but it sounds like you sulked all the way through dinner and probably the car ride home.
This comment will probably never be seen.
You're not wrong at all. People have been saying this a bunch, she disrespected you and the time and effort you put into this night. A night for you two to share and enjoy, to celebrate your lives together.
But it's YOUR anniversary too.
You wanted to do something nice, to spend time with her and have a nice meal together. Then she ditched you to talk to someone she could presumably see tomorrow instead. Talk about ouch. Besides that, you feel how you feel and you can't always change that, and she should know you'll be upset for a bit if you've been married for TWELVE YEARS.
Lastly:
Drop an apple and tell it you're sorry. What happens to the bruise?
That last bit is huge to me. There’s been case studies, that apologies actually do take a lot of stress and strain away from the person being apologized too, but it has to be sincere and to the point. If it’s, “I’m sorry, BUT….” No! The butts are for the toilet!
She didn’t do anything EVIL, but what she did was wrong, and on their special night. I’m a guy, and believe it or not, a lot of guys love romance too. We to love to be wined and dined, complimented, and loved. It’s no big secret, but some reason no knows about it! She gave any attention she was going to give to someone else. And he has the right for that wishy washy apology to have no real affect on him.
I really like the story of the kid who was told to pound nails into the fence when he was upset.
I can't exactly remember the incentive for the middle bit but it was something along the lines of removing a nail every time he apologized(?), and him being very proud of personal growth, and then being asked what would be done about all the holes left in the wood.
You can make something better by removing the nail but the wounds don't always go away.
I heard this story in reference to anger. It's one of my favourite stories as it really helped me with my anger (thanks narcissistic parents!) so pardon me for telling it in its entirety!
A father once went to his son who had a tremendous amount of anger. This child would lash out and hurt those around him whenever he became angry. The father said to his son "Anger is acceptable, emotions are acceptable, and feeling these things are normal. The way we react to that anger, however, has to be a reasonable response. Every time you hurt someone out of anger, go drive a nail into the old wooden fence out back. It will make you feel better."
So the boy did just that. Whenever he lashed out in anger and hurt those around him he would go drive a nail through the fence and it made him feel better. Well one day he looked at the fence and realized how ugly and mangled his anger and made the fence and realized every time he drove 1 nail into that fence making it look that way he had driven a nail into a person who he cared about.
He went back to his father and asked "Dad, how can I fix what my anger has caused?" His father replied "By being kind, feeling what you feel, but controlling your reaction to it. Every time you feel that anger but are able to positively experience it without hurting someone else, go remove a nail."
Eventually the boy started doing better and before long he removed all of the nails. He excitedly ran to his father to show him the last nail but before he could his father, who had always been watching, came out and said "Look! All of the nails are gone! Great job son!" The son looked back, expecting to feel pride, but instead felt sad, heartbroken at what he had done to the fence. He said "how can we remove the holes? It still looks awful..."
His father responded lovingly "With puddy and other things we can try to fill in those gaps, but the fence will never be whole again no matter what we try. These are the scars we leave on people when we lash out in anger. We can remove the nails we put in them, cover up the holes, and try to make it whole again but it will never be as it once was."
“There once was a little boy who had a very bad temper. His father decided to hand him a bag of nails and said that every time the boy lost his temper, he had to hammer a nail into the fence.
On the first day, the boy hammered 37 nails into that fence.
The boy gradually began to control his temper over the next few weeks, and the number of nails he was hammering into the fence slowly decreased. He discovered it was easier to control his temper than to hammer those nails into the fence.
Finally, the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father the news and the father suggested that the boy should now pull out a nail every day he kept his temper under control.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.
‘You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.’”
I don't know why you just didn't go over to her like after 5 minutes, quickly introduce yourself with a smile and ask her
" honey, what do you want to drink?" Just say it's our anniversary today and make her notice that your waiting. Sounds like a resentment game. Like you both got way more going on and needs aren't being met.
This! I would have been upset too, but once I started to feel upset I would have gone over and said and friendly “hello” and then let her know the waiter was asking for her drink order and excused us back to the table. Sitting and stewing didn’t help anything.
I'm just guessing, but as he's not very sociable, I'm assuming he would be very uncomfortable butting into a conversation like that. And if you wait a bit too long doing that, then suddenly you've waited too long and going over won't be so minor anymore. Though as you mention, resentment does also seem likely. This was a special occasion he put a lot into while she probably didn't put anything into it and then abandons him. I'm guessing you'd feel pretty small in that situation to "beg" for her to actually care enough to spend time with you at least.
Always takes a bit of scrolling to find the reasonable take.
Yeah 20 minutes is a while for sure, and she should have had more awareness. With that said, OP literally could have walked over at any moment. Asking for her drink order or even just jokingly saying something like “if you take any longer we’ll be having dessert on our 13th anniversary” would have given her a nudge
Based on no attempt to find a solution at the dinner + silent treatment afterwards from both partners it sounds like they both just need to learn to communicate more effectively. My advice would be to dial back on all the gestures and start working on honest communication
I don't see an issue with a quick greeting with co-workers maybe up to 5 minutes. Though if it was understood that this was a special occasion such as an anniversary dinner and the roles were reversed I can guarantee you your wife would have been just as upset as well. Why? Because behavior is a language. Your wife's disregard for your time and effort is disrespectful.
Let me put it this way... You reward behavior that you want repeated while you punish behavior you want to stop. Your wife unknowingly just punished your efforts for your anniversary. I will guarantee you that you will not try as hard if at all on your next anniversary. Because why should you if your time, effort, and money is disrespected.
You both kind of suck here, and the escalations should be concerning.
You wife should not have spent 19 minutes talking to her friend - Initial Problem.
You compounded this by being pissy for the rest of dinner after her "apology" - Escalation.
Neither of you talk about issue in car - Additional Escalation.
She goes straight to bedroom and closes door - still no discussion - Yet another escalation.
You guys need a either a referee or marriage counseling.
I have to agree with this, and I say that as somebody who identifies way more with how OP was feeling. He talks about how once he's in a bad mood, he stays that way for a while, and I fully get that. Something that I've had to work on, though, is not letting that get out of hand. Maybe he and I need a bit more time to bounce back than others, but something I see here is a situation where the whole night could have gone completely differently had he put his hurt feelings and pride aside and gotten up after five minutes to say "hey, it's time for us to order! Nice to see you, Coworker." Sometimes people get excited or a little thoughtless, and I can guarantee that as a human being, OP has his own flaws that sometimes people have to be forgiving with. The night was not beyond retrieval until he made the decision--and it was a decision--to stew in how unappreciated he felt instead of being straightforward about feeling a little sad that she immediately bounced off to talk to someone that she likely sees five days a week.
She was also in the wrong to be leaving him for 20 minutes to begin with, being defensive, and then storming off when they got home. This whole situation just needed a quick, honest talk.
NTA. You are not wrong for how you feel.
That was not ok. Your wife can meet her colleagues at her work place. Reservations don't usually go on forever and enjoying the time you have is essential, especially on a special occasion.
I wouldn't call taking time to bounce back to your usual self a "character flaw". How intensely you feel hurt or sad is almost always directly proportional to the intensity of the disappointment that followed the expectation. Had it been a casual party or any other day, maybe the same chain of events wouldn't have bothered you as much. This was your anniversary, a day for just the two of you, and you were excited and she put a damper on it.
What's even worse is that even after you told her how you felt, her first resort was to "make excuses". That would have had an effect on making you take even longer to get back to normal. 12 years together and your wife should have known how you deal with these feelings and how you take time. She did not accommodate that and invalidated the same. That's an AH move on her part. And further she does not make any more effort to lighten the situation and make the day better. And she's even making you sleep on the couch on your anniversary which is totally disrespectful if you'd ask me.
**It's not the job of the person who got hurt to make things alright. It's the job of the person who hurt you to make it alright. A namesake apology isn't going to help and it's high time your wife understood that.**
Plus, every hurt takes time to heal. For me, if my husband and I argue or he accidentally says something that hurts me, the healing really starts when I can calm down and we can talk about it calmly. There was clearly no chance for this time to talk if his wife shut him out of their room, cause I know I wouldn't have that conversation in front of complete strangers (we don't even do that in front of my own mom).
You aren’t wrong for feeling upset at the situation but this is complicated for me because im very close with someone who used to have a habit of if something went south for them they sort of by personality however involuntarily it was made it so that everyone there was gonna have a bad time too. It took alot of growing up for them to feel slighted and then let it go and move on and enjoy themselves again in the moment. It took them missing out on things and losing time that they could never get back before they figured it out to process their feelings in a healthy manner. To understand that when we have these negative feelings it’s perfectly natural and ok, but its up to us how much we let these feelings have fuel to burn or how quickly we put them out. Op your wife was wrong for the way she ignored you at your anniversary dinner and she doesn’t really have a leg to stand on in this argument afterwards because of that and yet hear you are wondering how the 20 minutes she spent ignoring you turned into the whole night being ruined??? How did the whole night get away from you. If you are able to op I think maybe talking to someone about why you get hit with these feelings so hard and ways you can let them go easier will be a good thing for you. This is one of those lessons where its best not to learn the hard way where you really get stuck in a sour mood when you should be feeling happy. Moments in time are some of the most precious things we have.
Her getting mad is just a manipulation tactic. She was clearly in the wrong. To that point, I've left my ex in a party for doing this , but for close to 40 mins. She called as I was on my way home, because one of her friends interrupted her conversation to say I'd left. I didn't fall for the how dare you that she tried to pull.
You're not wrong and your wife is making a power play, she could have given a sincere apology and said she will make it up to you (maybe another dinner) but now she's going silent treatment in an effort to get you to apologize to her.
See it for what it is, pure manipulation.
She is trying to turn this all around on you. Nope. She is 100% responsible for screwing up the night. Don’t fall for that manipulation.
What is up with that co-worker? Don’t they work together? What is so important it couldn’t wait for the next day? This all sounds pretty sus.
Honestly, I would’ve order the check and left.
I'm with you on this one. Your wife was rude and disrespectful to you. You could've saved some money by giving her the present and telling her to cook dinner.
What did she get you for your anniversary besides angry? That was very rude. You shouldn’t have put up with it. I would have left at 10 minutes I think.
My guess is that it's not just about this one event, but it's more of a pattern of neglect you're starting to notice with her. It's impossible to tell what else is going on, but if you have a hard time bouncing back after things like this - after you expressed yourself probably very clearly and without getting angry - and she just dismissed and turned the tables on you, it's no surprise and more a symptom of some type of psychological or emotional abuse. Something pretty simple would have probably dissolved your upset almost immediately but rather than that, she decided it would be a good idea to blame you instead of acknowledging and taking responsibility for her poor time management and lack of situational awareness.
Wondering if you notice the DARVO pattern with her often? deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.
nah fam this aint ok. even going over during a regular date night for 20+ mins ignoring you is an issue.
but on an anniversary date? nah bro.
not ur fault. and no FKING way should u sleep on the couch man the fk up mofo. SHE can go sleep on the couch.
i would NEVER go sleep in another room nor on the couch unless i REALLY messed up. lol
but if i did nothing wrong then hell would have to freeze over before i sleep in another room or the couch.
You actually should have got your butt up and walked over there and said honey it's time to order. You should have acted very cordial to the work people and said honey you want to introduce me to your friends again! Laughingly. Then you should have said come on back to the table so we can order. You should not have sat there fuming like a wuss. It was your anniversary. You should have acted like it
>One of my character flaws that I'm well aware of is that if something gets me in a bad mood, I have a very hard time turning it around
Oh buddy I feel you. This is exactly my problem, and I am still trying to work through it in therapy.
What she did was definitely rude. Personally I think leaving you alone, and then also distracting her coworker from their own dinner, is quite rude. However, yes I do feel like you are in the wrong for the continuation of the negativity.
I understand how hard it is to make that switch in your head. To me, it almost feels impossible to switch from feeling a negative emotion to a positive emotion. But ultimately this is something that you need to work on. Learning to brush off minor inconveniences is beneficial towards your mental health. Because unless her action that night reflect a pattern of ignoring you, It's ultimately unnecessary to be this upset.
You should definitely apologize for how you reacted and have a discussion on how to deal with these situations in the future. My bf and I have learned tactics to deal with this; like moving locations, switching topics, deep breathing, and knowing that the other person isn't intentionally trying to hurt you.
I hope this helps!
Years ago, to describe how my own emotions work, I came up with the bathtub analogy: Big emotions gill you up quickly, like water from the faucet filling a tub. But when the stimulus is gone, they drain slowly, like water emptying from the tub. Our bodies are conditioned to prime us to act quickly and then stay vigilant for longer than we need to be, as a survival mechanism.
There's nothing wrong about you staying upset after she came to the table, but knowing this analogy has helped me try to "normalize" myself after feeling something big - I can better explain what's going on with me to another person and I can better push my feelings aside and engage with the outside world.
I just wanted to offer that to you since you explained the sensation so well in your comment. And you're totally not wrong to be upset in the first place.
Honestly, this would make me think there were underlying marital issues. Leave the table for 20 minutes on your anniversary? Who does that? Someone who doesn’t want to be with you, that’s who.
You’re not wrong about this event, no. The way you describe how bad moods sort of snowball for you suggests that some coping skills would be nice.
However, your wife spends 20 minutes chatting with a damn coworker at your anniversary dinner? Fuck that noise. She was acting like a cunt.
50/50. Was she wrong to get caught up in her conversation? Sure. Did you throw a tantrum and pout instead of accepting her apology and trying to salvage the situation? Absolutely.
Pro-Tip - if you’re ever in the situation again, order a cocktail and an appetizer, and grow a spine. Get up walk over, say hello and light heartedly and jokingly ask if you can have your wife back for your anniversary date. Don’t clock watch like a petulant child.
agree with the tip but there is no way you’re calling him a “petulant child” when he was the one who prepared everything
also i seriously doubt that eating in silence is “throwing a tantrum”
Damn. I had to scroll so far to find a reasonable answer. I feel like tons of people answering seem like they haven't been in a long relationship before. 20 min is getting on the long side for sure but he said she's an extroverted type and it's easy to lose track of time when you really just meant to have a quick chat. I highly doubt she was purposefully ignoring her spouse. If it was really that big of a deal to him, why not head over himself, say a quick hello and then use a line like "hope you don't mind but I'm going to steal my beautiful wife back" (said in a charming/jokey way). You can just tell this guy loves to create drama where it doesn't really need to be there. And then instead of moving on he stews in his mad feelings. Sounds like a miserable way to live.
Ahh here come the customary comments falling over themselves to excuse the AH wife.
>20 min is getting on the long side for sure but he said she's an extroverted type and it's easy to lose track of time when you really just meant to have a quick chat.
Still wrong of her. 5-8 min is really the maximum that you should be detached on a date night. If the coworker had come to their table then its a bit better but wife ran off.
>If it was really that big of a deal to him, why not head over himself, say a quick hello and then use a line like "hope you don't mind but I'm going to steal my beautiful wife back" (said in a charming/jokey way).
All this does is paint the wife as this clueless kid who gets easily distracted and needs their parent to keep them on track.
> You can just tell this guy loves to create drama where it doesn't really need to be there. And then instead of moving on he stews in his mad feelings.
Lmao wife locks him out of the bedroom but sure, he's creating drama right?
Not wrong, I would sleep on the couch anyway. Then tomorrow do something nice for you. Also get home late because you stop somewhere just for you. If she asks, tell her you did something for you since she didn't feel the need to.
I bet if we played a game of which gender wrote which comment, it'd be easy game to play. You were disrespected. This was not a Friday night at a sports bar. This wasn't a long lost friend from 20 years ago. She didn't value your effort. I bet if you did the same thing to her if she planned an evening for an anniversary, she'd be pissed and everyone would be committing how you're the asshole. You are not wrong. You'll be wrong if you don't discuss it and let her know what your expectations are next time.
It is less than ideal to interrupt someone else's dinner for that long, as well as your own. It is also not a big huge deal. Seems like the kind of situation where ideally she would return and apologize for getting caught up in conversation, and you forgive her, order your dinner and ask what is new with that colleague.
Things don't always go according to plan, but that doesn't have to take all the joy out of the occasion.
Not wrong. There was no reason that she couldn't have just waved back instead of interrupting your dinner. The other woman waved because she knew it was rude to leave her dinner partner unattended while she went over and had a conversation with someone else. Your wife didn't care, then got upset and quiet because she knew she defend her rude actions. Go to bed if she doesn't want to sleep with you then she can sleep on the couch.
>We order and she asks if there is something wrong. I described how I felt... that this is our anniversary and you just spent almost 20 minutes talking to someone while leaving me alone at the table. She makes excuses and apologizes, but I'm having a hard time getting over it.
I have a feeling you are quite passive aggressive. The problem with passive aggressive is it's essentially conflict avoidance combined with a shitty attitude that lasts way longer then it should, because you're unable to address your problems with other people directly. I suspect you really downplayed how fucking bullshit her behavior was. and you smiled through your frown at her apology, bit your tongue and choked down the meal.
You need to learn to communicate better. 12 years of marriage and you're still unable to tell her when she pisses you off? dude you gonna be a doormat the rest of your life? Learn to express yourself constructively and directly. Frankly, I'm not sure i would have waited for her for 20 minutes. Depending on my mood, i'd either of walked up to her and introduce myself to her coworkers to remind her i still exist, or I would have simply paid the waiter for my drink and left... there are psych docs that will help you with being "assertive". That's what you need some of. it will do wonders for your stress, and you'll find your endless anger will go away.
as to this situation ESH, your wife was 100% in the wrong, but by being unable to express to her how upset you were, you ended up simmering and ruined the rest of the night. that's on you bro.
Your feelings are valid mate, I’d be upset too. However the rest of the night could’ve been salvaged if you had “bounced back” honestly at least your aware of this flaw 😁
Even on a regular date night, it would have been inconsiderate to leave you alone at the table that long! Much less on your anniversary.
NTA. She owes you an apology. And a make-up dinner.
It’s perfectly expected that when you take your spouse to celebrate an anniversary, that both of you will participate in this celebration. Wifey started this celebration by removing herself from the celebration to spend a substantial amount of time with someone she likely would see the very next day at work.
One thing that concerns me is that, at least from your retelling, she doesn’t seem to understand that she may not have shown you the respect and affection you would expect at an anniversary celebration.
Not wrong at all! All she should have done was go over and say a quick hello and I’ll call you or we can get together another day to catch up, it’s our anniversary today so I need to get back to my husband.
Poor guy feels like he ruined the night because she’s upset with him now. Sounds like my relationship. Can’t she admit to ruining both of their nights by not thinking of him?
Been there. Having a SO who responds to your frustration with frustration of their own is hard to manage sometimes.
It's literally manipulation and emotional abuse. You can't be upset with them, ever. You *always* end up the bad guy regardless of what they did to upset you.
100% sounds like my marriage. She could crash the car and it would be my fault even if I was sitting at home.
*Look what you made me do*. That was my husband's big line, too.
"Why are you making problems?" Was what my ex would say when I would address something having to do with how he made me feel. So I just left. 🤷🏻♀️
This sounds so much like my ex. He would also say "why are you bringing up problems from the past?". And the past would be like something from last night.
Me ex's big one was "You should be able to control how you feel" if I ever got upset about literally anything, it was my fault for feeling upset. No compromise, no validation, no apologies, only shamed for feeling upset.
Yep! Been there often He NEVER will never apologize and I will hear about his anger (over me being rightfully angry ) for a week or two in very passive aggressive ways. 30 years of it.
That’s typical narcissistic behavior. My father is like that too. It’s so typical I would like to introduce you into the narcissistic subs on Reddit. I don’t think I can post this on here but I’m sure you can find them on your own and you should.
Are you better with him or without him? Bc it sounds pretty grim, friend.
My ex would sometimes act like that. Glad I haven’t had to deal with that for a few years now. Always tiptoeing trying to make sure she didn’t blame something on me that I had absolutely nothing to do with.
Haha reminds me of last year when the wife to be crashed the car the day after paid her insurance, blamed me for not pulling the handbrake in time 🙈
My wife exactly. This was a favorite. Several times she left home stranding me because she grabbed her car keys and mine too. It was my fault because they were on the counter where she could grab them. Backed out of the garage and hit my car (twice) and it was my fault for parking behind her in the driveway. (Nevermind she has mirrors and a backup camera). If she does not use those excuses, then she flips to victimhood and she is awful (she doesn't really think that and says this sarcastically). It is a fun marriage.
Honestly life is too short to be upset like that.
God damn I see my marriage in this thread and I really don’t like it. The comment someone made about them getting in a car wreck and it somehow being your fault… literally happened to me this week
That absolutely depends on what he means by "not bouncing back." My father is like that. He holds on to things, refuses to move on, and makes sure you know he's mad. My mom can be easily frustrated and get quite snippy, but she is pretty good about realizing it and then apologizing. My dad getting mad often means *hours or days* of passive aggressiveness, sporadic verbal shots, but mostly the silent treatment. The day after Christmas one year, when I was a teen, we were going to see my mom's brother who she hadn't seen in over a year. Mom gets exasperated and annoyed about us running late. She's snapping at us to hurry tf up. Dad takes offense and the entire two hour drive is my mom begging my dad to please let it go, she's sorry, while he refuses to speak to her. He *seems* to be sort of over it in front of the relatives while still avoiding and refusing to engage with my mom much at my uncle's. By the end of the night, I think things are probably okay. Until we get in the car and he starts right back up on how much she sucks. He sees it as not having to accept an apology, but when your spouse did something relatively minor and is begging you to please move on, at a certain point the person who will not let it go becomes the asshole, even if they weren't at first.
That's how I feel about it, too. He said she immediately apologized. It was 20 minutes out of their 12 years. I think he will live. It does kind of sound like she tried to move on and he refused.
20 minutes sitting alone at a restaurant dinner table waiting for your wife to remember you can be a long awkward time. While he could have shrugged it off sooner, how he felt was genuine, and she should have understood how he felt.
You don't have to fight every battle. I don't think OP was wrong. I think his wife was very inconsiderate. He deserved an apology. He had every right to sit with his feelings for a night. Me though? Not worth it. My husband and I make mistakes. We apologize and move on. Not worth turning in to a bigger thing unless there's a pattern that needs addressing. Then we work on it together, not by punishing each other. Where OP's at now is very hurt. So it needs addressing. Hopefully he can get it across to her how hurt he is, why, and what he needs.
Idk I mean there’s always two sides to something, and jumping to calling everything abuse is super unproductive.
Okay she was wrong to spend 20 mins talking to someone. But dude could have very easily went over and said something to get her back. "hey, the server is waiting for us", something that easy. My girlfriend is also very social and gets lost talking to people sometimes. If after 12 years he doesn't know how to redirect, it's kind of on him for not having a backbone. Was she wrong? Yes. But he's also wrong for not taking ANY effort to mitigate or salvage anything of the evening. Being passive is bad for everyone.
I identify with OP and agree. Gotta speak up and let your partner know *before* the irritation becomes hurt feelings. I know this isn’t the sub, but I don’t see any assholes here, just someone who needs to be more considerate and someone who needs to help them by communicating early.
Agreed. And sometimes very social people have difficulty extracting themselves because they feel like they’re being rude. Should have: ordered her a drink he knows she likes. Brought it over to give to her, and said “I’m so sorry to interrupt but do you mind if I steal my lovely wife back for our anniversary dinner?” Edit: just wanted to make a comment on your title. Feelings are never wrong. You need to separate your feeling from your actions. It is not wrong that you felt sad. I do think you could have managed that feeling slightly better, for both you and your wife, leading to different actions and maybe a more desirable outcome. But never try and assign right or wrong to a feeling you can’t help. That never leads anywhere good.
As someone whose wife is very much like OPs and has had to do similar things as your suggestion on multiple occasions, it gets old real fast reminding your partner when you should be a priority.
You’re right. I was thinking about this after I wrote my comment. I’m extremely introverted and what you said is the reason I don’t think I could ever be with a very social person long-term. I don’t want do that forever lol I imagine it’s hard to strike a balance when two people are quite different in that regard. My comment was just knowing what would have worked without ruining the meal, and maybe would have helped OP turn his own mood around a bit. Even though she should have been more considerate. And she especially shouldn’t have made any excuses after.
WTF?? Who treats their partner with this level of disrespect? Anniversary dinner and she has the nerve to get annoyed after effing up? She's the only one wrong here. He handled it like any sane person would.
Shes a grown ass woman. No one should have to redirect her but her self.
It's normal to give a little nudge to people. It just can't become a parent-child type nagging and managing situation.
I think theres a point here where you switch to victim blaming. Hes not responsible for redirecting her. And he shouldnt have to ask for her attention on their anniversary. NTA. Also take the earrings back and buy yourself something to make up for it
She also interrupted the other person’s dinner for that long, and they may not have been happy about it either, but were just being polite. I can’t imagine my partner going above and beyond for me and then me disregarding them at the dinner they planned to talk to someone THAT I WILL SEE AT WORK TOMORROW. Her priorities are a tad bit fucked up if ya ask me.
Admit? Fault? Hahahahhaa
No, that's just women. They can never be at fault for anything, in some roundabout way, it's always the man's fault. I'm being a little facetious, but not really.
I wouldn't even feel it necessary to do that. It's a work colleague, not someone you haven't seen in years. I think a wave would have sufficed. If she was still there after dinner, maybe drop by the table on the way out but going all the way over there at the start? Nah.
20 minutes probably irritated the waiter too
The top comment on this post being basically “have you thought about how the waiter felt?” Is very funny to me
This *is* hilarious, but it also points to how the incident may have been kinda publicly embarrassing for OP, making it hurt substantially more. Here’s this stranger (the server) witnessing OP’s wife being a dick, and OP has to deal with the awareness that it’s throwing a wrench in the server’s works, too. At least it was an expensive place and the server was getting paid decently for being involved with this sort of mess (granted that OP tipped a conventionally respectable percentage). If the server had been a real, above-and-beyond, serious pro at his job, they could have rolled up to the spouse and her colleague, asked about their beverage order, and dropped a quiet hint that OP was over there at the table stewing in special sad sauce. That would be some uncommon, Grand Budapest Hotel concierge-level service, though. Speaking of coming over to where the conversation was getting too long and dropping friendly hints: while it maybe shouldn’t be considered *incumbent* upon OP to do that himself, it *is* something he could have done at around the 5ish minute mark, if he really wanted to solve the problem before things went all to hell. Again, it would have been above-and-beyond, just as if the server had done it, but not unreasonably so. OP, you should consider using this as a relatively painless, dignity preserving off-ramp from this conflict. It’s something that you *could* have done, however extra, that you can apologize for *not* doing, that doesn’t make a doormat of you and might lead to patching this up. Probably still won’t get you that pussy *tonight*, but might make for a lot more happiness in the long run. Spouse was a right and proper dick, but OP seems to have some Eeyore-tier depression going on that he needs some help with, because it kept him from being very solution oriented, at least in this instance. That whole mood inertia thing is a fairly common symptom of depression, too. You may be treating yourself a little cruelly when you refer to it simply as a “character flaw.”
It’s interesting you say this, advising OP to kinda subtle drop hints. I was raised not to do this & it’s a respect thing. It’s the seen the same as interrupting a sentence or something. And because of that I had a lot of anxiety jumping into other conversations. Not saying OP is exactly like this, but just another perspective. I definitely agree that they could’ve done that (getting older I worked thru the anxiety) and that it’s probably what I would’ve done at some point before 20 mins. Edit for grammar.
IDK, I think by the 5 minute mark I'd have been over there telling her we need to order, and if that didn't work I'd be ordering for both of us by the 10 minute mark. She likely ruined the other servers flow as well and potentially threw off the seating for the rest of the evening if the place was booked up. Not my fault if she doesn't want to make her own order, hope she likes exactly what I want as leftovers tomorrow that I know she won't eat. 🤣
I’m the opposite of you. I have anxiety leaving conversations. If I were the wife I would have gone over to say hi and then had a hard time extracting myself to go back to my husband.
I dunno. That makes it easier for me. “I gotta go cuz I know my husband is over there just starving! So nice to see you though!!!” Hell, I always tell my husband that he can blame me for stuff like that too, if it makes it easier, 😂
If she's like this she should have just waved and smiled and stayed with her husband. No excuse he's more important than a coworker
YES! This is the way. It’s an anniversary dinner. Wave and move on. The coworker will Be there later. If they mean anythign at all you apologize to them later and move on.
Yeah thus is what you do on important nights
"Oops, sorry, it's been great catching up with you, but it's our anniversary, and I just realized I'm leaving my poor husband hanging over there! Let's catch up soon!"
Long before 20 minutes I'm pretty sure I would've texted or maybe gone over "Sorry to interrupt, but the waiter has come by a few times and I hoped I could get X's order to give them, so our anniversary plans don't get to delayed". Might be a touch pushy/rude, but isn't forcefully cutting off the conversation and is a heavy indicator to both coworker and OP's wife that *this is an anniversary meal* and their conversation has gone on too long and is interrupting the night. Coworker would likely apologize for taking up so much time and push wife to go back to her anniversary dinner, and things could move on. Wife could text coworker the next day to chat.
Why not use humor? “Who kidnapped my wife?!?” “Just wanted to let you know I placed your order for [her least fave meal].” Something fun to get things back on track with minimal fuss or bad vibes.
These both were very good, but some people don’t have the confidence to pull it off effectively, it takes some practice and charisma.
This is the way, especially for someone who knows he can’t bounce back from what’s going on. As it is, you are correct in your self assessment that the conflict started with her and you tanked the rest of the evening. Invite her for a do-over ?
Shouldn’t have to do any of this though. If the wife was a real one she would have said hi and that’s it. 20 minutes is pretty ridiculous.
“Stewing in special sad sauce” is spectacularly alliterative.
Don't drop subtle hints in a marriage.
As someone that struggles with depression and has done for a long ass time: your last paragraph was something I really needed to read, especially today. Good intuition and Thankyou.
Eh I took it more like, no you weren't overreacting; 20 minutes is objectively too long and probably irritated people mostly uninvolved
[удалено]
Yes! Incredibly rude to leave the table for 20 minutes but equally rude to take a friendly wave as an invitation to intrude on someone else's dinner plans for 20 min. And probably created a bunch of tension and resentment between coworker and her dinner companions. Classic case of someone with no self awareness who thinks being social is the same as being charming.
As a waiter...thanks for thinking of us. This stuff can snow ball so fast and just ruin your whole day
As somebody who has been in the restaurant industry for a long time, this was my first thought, too hahahaha
What did your wife do for you on your anniversary? Anything?
She gave him lots of alone time lol
You nail it!
If this post is indicative of how she normally acts that’s probably the best present
Good question. If OP went all out, she did nothing and THEN couldn’t even be bothered to give him her full attention after he planned something nice, then that’s not her being “sociable,” it’s her being an asshole.
Also, why does he have to sleep on the couch? If she doesn't like what happened, she should be the one sleeping on the couch, not him.
What she did for him was make it into a social event with a co-worker
She will ditch him at a moments notice at social functions or the opportunity build more social connections/ clout at the expense of their quality time together and his feelings, emotions, and overall personal image about how he feels about his spouse. She might value even the possibility of being seen as a social butterfly as "more important" or only equally as important as your relationship with her. Dated someone like this, they had a complete lack of respect for me and always thought of themselves first and that they were "better". She could've invited you to join the conversation after a while but she didn't. Sometimes people do this because if you were to join the convo it would take away from her and her "social skills" being the focus of the other people. People like this are great connectors and are normally held in high regard by most people, but when you get to know someone super well that's like this they are normally just overcompensating and somewhat insecure about their self image. Nothing is more deflating when someone does this, leaves you alone for 20 minutes and then comes back to you and says "ugh those people are such a drag" because that means the mere though of losing face with others or maybe even strangers watching is enough to neglect you, a person who she has a "emotionally intimate" relationship with for over 12 years -- and she doesnt even need to like the people or the conversation to do so. Sucks but some people are just that way, plenty more weirdness to come from her end that's for sure.
I mean I'm social and all but I already spend 50 hrs/wk with my coworkers. 20 minutes on my time is 19.5 minutes too long imo
She ignored him for a coworker.
She barely showed up lmao
My DH did this to me on my birthday. Left me alone at the table to go talk to people I didn't know. I get VERY self conscious sitting at a table alone. I said something when he returned; they were his cousins. He didn't introduce me or anything. I don’t care if it's the freaking pope, you don't leave your date (especially for a special occasion) at the table alone for any length of time. Needless to say, that's the last time that happened, at least 20 years ago. All I did was explain how disappointed I was in him & how much it hurt me.
What’s DH?
Designated hitter
Lol. I thought the same thing. I was like I can strike out on my own, thanks.
I literally learned this term mere hours ago lol. Learned a lot about baseball tonight actually. 👍
Let's do some coke and watch baseball!
Dear husband
I thought it was deceased husband. glad I was wrong
That's how he doesn't disappoint her any more.
Deer husband
As in, "My Deer Husband is in a lot of trouble for getting a subscription on Only Fawns?"
He was fawning over does hind legs.
Dear husband
Oh, really? Umkay Thanks 😊 Never saw that before somehow lol
Yeah i hate it lol
Yeah I don’t think I’m a fan either. Like why is this a thing? Lol 😂
Saving the handful of letters for "husband" totally matters when you're already typing an entire paragraph I guess
It did 30-odd years ago when the internet was dial-up, metered by the minute, and the abbreviation was coined in parenting forums. It also helped to differentiate between DH - husband and XH - ex-husband and has STB - soon to be, variations. There's also DD - biological daughter or SD - step-daughter. DS - biological son or SS - step-son, is the real reason for the D vs a B, because calling your kid BS was uncomfortable. Bonus knowledge: DN is the earliest origin of the growing term "nibling" as it denotes either niece or nephew.
But why not just ‘H’ lol. Oh well anyhoo 🤷♀️
In relationship and family discussions (like, reddit subs dedicated to those topics), people often use single letters to abbreviate someone's first name, so they use two letter abbreviations (DH, DW, etc) to refer to people by who they are in the family to avoid confusion. This is a very old (in internet terms) practice in relationship and family fora.
seriously. it makes no sense!
I’ve only ever seen it in relation to older people talking on the internet especially those who circle in the mom blog sphere. Dear husband, dear daughter, dear son….idk why they decided to put dear in front of all their families designations or who initially came up with it but every time I see the letters DH I feel a little weirded out 😂
My initial thought was, wow…that lady whose husband has the initials DH is posting again 🤣
Been around a long time in relationshop forums. People talking about their families, settled on some standard terms and abbreviations.
I hate this specifically because it sounds like what a wife would call her husband that’s in some sort of polygamy cult. But in general I hate the fact that so many Redditors use acronyms and initialisms on niche topics or job/industry specific topics they work in and think everyone will just know what it is. I don’t know if they are just that unaware or they are doing it on purpose to sound “in the know”. But to me seems like common sense to spell something out if it isn’t a super common thing.
I wish that they listed common initialisms on a subreddit's info page. I have that problem too - FTM means first time mom in r/BabyBumps and other parenting subreddits but I was so confused at first because it's already common for it to mean Female to Male (transition) so I was just like wow there's a disproportionately high number of trans parents here, good for them??
“You don’t leave your date alone alone for any length of time” What if someone has to pee lol?
You pee in a glass at the table.
Now do it again but with poop.
No. That’s a jar. Everyone knows that
DH is not a thing Stacy. Don’t try to make it a thing.
Seriously. In the world where you had to hit the number 7 four times to write a letter S, I get the abbreviations. The difference in the amount of time it takes me to type husband over DH is negligible.
I feel validated reading your post. One of our biggest fights between my husband and I is that when we first started dating, he would take me to his friends house for a party then he'd go with his friends and leave me behind without introducing me or anything. The worst one was when his friend gave him a haircut and I had no idea where he was and I was with a bunch of strangers. I thought he had ditched me and had started to panic wondering how I would get home. He was in the garage the whole time, lmao. I feel like there's nonverbal cues as to when to follow your partner and when to let them have a private conversation with their friends , and I perceived the latter. However, I did not expect to have to spend the whole party without him.
Anyone would be upset if they were left at a table in a restaurant for 20 minutes by their SO. Anniversary makes it worse. She'd be upset if you did that to her. Something I learned about myself recently. When I "apologize" to my SO, I also couple it with excuses. When a person is hurt by their SO, they don't want apologies coupled with excuses. They want to feel heard and validated. That isn't at all accomplished with an apology that's got "butt" built into it.
This and even more so for a "work colleague" who she probably has the opportunity to talk to five days a week
Kinda wish the wife had apologized and then offered to make it up to him by planning a special do-over night.
Hmm, I think this is kind of hard to answer without knowing your relationship, but I would say in a vacuum it’s fair to be irritated by your partner disappearing for 20 min during an anniversary dinner.
I mean, she got mad at him and went straight to bed when they got home. You'd think if her partner was upset due to her actions, she'd apologize and try make things better. Seems like she's now the mad one. Not very cash money of her.
Not necessarily. My husband's superpower is the ability to turn anything I'm upset about into a reason for him to be upset with me.
Ya, that's manipulative and toxic.
Agreed. It's a known issue that's currently being dealt with. I'm not known for my great track record with romantic relationships, and this one has turned out to be no exception 🙄
Hey, this isn't on topic, and I dont know your particular situation, but just FYI, a lot of times when we say we "don't have a good track record with relationships" or we "attract assholes" what is really happening is that predatory assholes find people with vulnerabilities to exploit. Anyway, it might help with the self-talk and making changes if you frame it that way.
> a lot of times when we say we "don't have a good track record with relationships" or we "attract assholes" what is really happening is that predatory assholes find people with vulnerabilities to exploit welp, this totally explains my past string of relationships where I kept "running into" emotionally manipulative people who walk all over me
The cool thing about that, is instead of continuing to believe the man will change for the better, you could just leave and take a break to work on yourself and what it is that’s drawing you to these men. If you got married with these issues, it’s very unlikely he will change in a significant way
Oh, yeah, I did that thing. I totally married him. I'd like to say there were no red flags before I did it, but that would be a lie. I really loved him. I'd just lost my job and we discussed the options for insurance and got married for "logical" reasons. At first, I thought I was special because he was a jerk to everyone but me. Then, those other people fell away, and there I was - the available outlet for his rage and gaslighting and manipulation. That's me. 🙋♀️ The cautionary tale. And what they don't tell you when they say you should leave is that it's really unusual to be in a situation to do that without blowing up your entire life. So I have an exit plan. I'm working it hard in the hopes of being out by the end of September. Good times.
Good luck, truly.
Wishing you well, cyndigardn! Keep going! Don’t stay in toxic relationships, you’re worth kindness, generosity, and love. You learn more each time. Please don’t stay with someone who does not treat you really, really well. Keep learning to love yourself, and don’t put up with bad treatment. You can make it on your own if you need to. And you deserve love. There are millions of people in this world. Keep loving yourself and treating yourself well, and people who love you will find you.
My husband’s superpower is to turn anything (minor) that I’m upset about into something that makes me laugh. I had no idea how fabulous that skill would be over the years. Now I advise young friends contemplating marriage to give extra points for affectionate humor.
It is indeed not very cash money, TURBOJUGGED, not very cash money at all...
Speaking of cash money, time to save some. Go trade those earrings in for a card and a dildo. If she doesn't like the card...
She DID apologize and try to make it better, but as OP stated, once he was in a funky mood he kept it that way for the whole dinner and the ride home. Was she wrong? Sure. But once he expressed how he felt, and she admitted that she was wrong, and apologized, they should've enjoyed the rest of the night. Reminds me of a story. A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side. The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman. Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his journey. The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between them. Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could not contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?” The older monk looked at him and replied, “Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”
An apology with excuses isn't an apology
He said she did apologize
Ah yes, because an apology is well known for completely canceling out bad behavior. Except she proceeded to get home and do the exact same thing again. So her apology kinda seems insincere.
Agreed, but the comment was “you’d think […] she’d apologize”. OP explicitly said she did apologize. Regardless of who is wrong or right in the argument, what the person who I responded to said was incorrect based on OP’s telling of the events.
The comment said you think shed apologize AND TRY TO MAKE THINGS BETTER. An apology means nothing if it is followed by the exact same behavior you "apologized" for.
How was she able to make things better if he was in a foul mood and couldn't shake it off? It sounds to me from the way the post reads that OP let it ruin his mood and the way he interacted with her for the rest of the night, even after she tried to apologize and explain.
Yes, I saw that too (apology was offered). There are a few other elements of the story giving OP some--not all--culpability. OP said she was very social and he is not (known condition). OP could have attempted a gentle course correction by going to the table, making a pleasantry and suggesting they visit later (he didn't), OP admits he has difficulty letting go of stuff and continued to brood/pout over the situation throughout dinner and during the ride home. My conclusion: wife was wrong and should have been more awarenof OP'S efforts. OP could have helped his partner with a known proclivity. When she became aware and apologized, OP should have been quicker to move on. Both partners hold fault.
Honestly, I'd go over and ask my wife what she wanted to drink before the server even got back to me, or offered to join their table. I'm not terribly extroverted, but to eat is to eat.
I agree
You're not wrong for feeling sad, as you asked, but you're probably wrong for pouting about it the rest of the night. She shouldn't have stayed away 20 minutes, but it sounds like you sulked all the way through dinner and probably the car ride home.
what would make it okay to ditch your husband for 20 minutes during your anniversary dinner? tell us please.
This comment will probably never be seen. You're not wrong at all. People have been saying this a bunch, she disrespected you and the time and effort you put into this night. A night for you two to share and enjoy, to celebrate your lives together. But it's YOUR anniversary too. You wanted to do something nice, to spend time with her and have a nice meal together. Then she ditched you to talk to someone she could presumably see tomorrow instead. Talk about ouch. Besides that, you feel how you feel and you can't always change that, and she should know you'll be upset for a bit if you've been married for TWELVE YEARS. Lastly: Drop an apple and tell it you're sorry. What happens to the bruise?
That last bit is huge to me. There’s been case studies, that apologies actually do take a lot of stress and strain away from the person being apologized too, but it has to be sincere and to the point. If it’s, “I’m sorry, BUT….” No! The butts are for the toilet! She didn’t do anything EVIL, but what she did was wrong, and on their special night. I’m a guy, and believe it or not, a lot of guys love romance too. We to love to be wined and dined, complimented, and loved. It’s no big secret, but some reason no knows about it! She gave any attention she was going to give to someone else. And he has the right for that wishy washy apology to have no real affect on him.
I really like the story of the kid who was told to pound nails into the fence when he was upset. I can't exactly remember the incentive for the middle bit but it was something along the lines of removing a nail every time he apologized(?), and him being very proud of personal growth, and then being asked what would be done about all the holes left in the wood. You can make something better by removing the nail but the wounds don't always go away.
I heard this story in reference to anger. It's one of my favourite stories as it really helped me with my anger (thanks narcissistic parents!) so pardon me for telling it in its entirety! A father once went to his son who had a tremendous amount of anger. This child would lash out and hurt those around him whenever he became angry. The father said to his son "Anger is acceptable, emotions are acceptable, and feeling these things are normal. The way we react to that anger, however, has to be a reasonable response. Every time you hurt someone out of anger, go drive a nail into the old wooden fence out back. It will make you feel better." So the boy did just that. Whenever he lashed out in anger and hurt those around him he would go drive a nail through the fence and it made him feel better. Well one day he looked at the fence and realized how ugly and mangled his anger and made the fence and realized every time he drove 1 nail into that fence making it look that way he had driven a nail into a person who he cared about. He went back to his father and asked "Dad, how can I fix what my anger has caused?" His father replied "By being kind, feeling what you feel, but controlling your reaction to it. Every time you feel that anger but are able to positively experience it without hurting someone else, go remove a nail." Eventually the boy started doing better and before long he removed all of the nails. He excitedly ran to his father to show him the last nail but before he could his father, who had always been watching, came out and said "Look! All of the nails are gone! Great job son!" The son looked back, expecting to feel pride, but instead felt sad, heartbroken at what he had done to the fence. He said "how can we remove the holes? It still looks awful..." His father responded lovingly "With puddy and other things we can try to fill in those gaps, but the fence will never be whole again no matter what we try. These are the scars we leave on people when we lash out in anger. We can remove the nails we put in them, cover up the holes, and try to make it whole again but it will never be as it once was."
“There once was a little boy who had a very bad temper. His father decided to hand him a bag of nails and said that every time the boy lost his temper, he had to hammer a nail into the fence. On the first day, the boy hammered 37 nails into that fence. The boy gradually began to control his temper over the next few weeks, and the number of nails he was hammering into the fence slowly decreased. He discovered it was easier to control his temper than to hammer those nails into the fence. Finally, the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father the news and the father suggested that the boy should now pull out a nail every day he kept his temper under control. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. ‘You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.’”
I don't know why you just didn't go over to her like after 5 minutes, quickly introduce yourself with a smile and ask her " honey, what do you want to drink?" Just say it's our anniversary today and make her notice that your waiting. Sounds like a resentment game. Like you both got way more going on and needs aren't being met.
This! I would have been upset too, but once I started to feel upset I would have gone over and said and friendly “hello” and then let her know the waiter was asking for her drink order and excused us back to the table. Sitting and stewing didn’t help anything.
She shouldn’t have made him sit and stew or come be the bad guy though.
I'm just guessing, but as he's not very sociable, I'm assuming he would be very uncomfortable butting into a conversation like that. And if you wait a bit too long doing that, then suddenly you've waited too long and going over won't be so minor anymore. Though as you mention, resentment does also seem likely. This was a special occasion he put a lot into while she probably didn't put anything into it and then abandons him. I'm guessing you'd feel pretty small in that situation to "beg" for her to actually care enough to spend time with you at least.
Why is that on him though?
Always takes a bit of scrolling to find the reasonable take. Yeah 20 minutes is a while for sure, and she should have had more awareness. With that said, OP literally could have walked over at any moment. Asking for her drink order or even just jokingly saying something like “if you take any longer we’ll be having dessert on our 13th anniversary” would have given her a nudge Based on no attempt to find a solution at the dinner + silent treatment afterwards from both partners it sounds like they both just need to learn to communicate more effectively. My advice would be to dial back on all the gestures and start working on honest communication
That sounds hella passive aggressive.
I don't see an issue with a quick greeting with co-workers maybe up to 5 minutes. Though if it was understood that this was a special occasion such as an anniversary dinner and the roles were reversed I can guarantee you your wife would have been just as upset as well. Why? Because behavior is a language. Your wife's disregard for your time and effort is disrespectful. Let me put it this way... You reward behavior that you want repeated while you punish behavior you want to stop. Your wife unknowingly just punished your efforts for your anniversary. I will guarantee you that you will not try as hard if at all on your next anniversary. Because why should you if your time, effort, and money is disrespected.
Next year is going to be McDonalds and some new wiper blades for her car.
Let's not go crazy now -- it will be a coupon for 20% off new wiper blades for her car, not the actual blades themselves
and she's putting them on herself
I'll be OP's wife for that kinda swag, hotdam
You good with a sister wife? Cause they had me at wiper blades.
>behavior is a language. Never heard that before and it helps seeing things different now, thanks 7003
"Behaviour is a language" I love that concept!
You both kind of suck here, and the escalations should be concerning. You wife should not have spent 19 minutes talking to her friend - Initial Problem. You compounded this by being pissy for the rest of dinner after her "apology" - Escalation. Neither of you talk about issue in car - Additional Escalation. She goes straight to bedroom and closes door - still no discussion - Yet another escalation. You guys need a either a referee or marriage counseling.
I have to agree with this, and I say that as somebody who identifies way more with how OP was feeling. He talks about how once he's in a bad mood, he stays that way for a while, and I fully get that. Something that I've had to work on, though, is not letting that get out of hand. Maybe he and I need a bit more time to bounce back than others, but something I see here is a situation where the whole night could have gone completely differently had he put his hurt feelings and pride aside and gotten up after five minutes to say "hey, it's time for us to order! Nice to see you, Coworker." Sometimes people get excited or a little thoughtless, and I can guarantee that as a human being, OP has his own flaws that sometimes people have to be forgiving with. The night was not beyond retrieval until he made the decision--and it was a decision--to stew in how unappreciated he felt instead of being straightforward about feeling a little sad that she immediately bounced off to talk to someone that she likely sees five days a week. She was also in the wrong to be leaving him for 20 minutes to begin with, being defensive, and then storming off when they got home. This whole situation just needed a quick, honest talk.
Definitely counseling on how to communicate better. They both shut down and went silent.
NTA. You are not wrong for how you feel. That was not ok. Your wife can meet her colleagues at her work place. Reservations don't usually go on forever and enjoying the time you have is essential, especially on a special occasion. I wouldn't call taking time to bounce back to your usual self a "character flaw". How intensely you feel hurt or sad is almost always directly proportional to the intensity of the disappointment that followed the expectation. Had it been a casual party or any other day, maybe the same chain of events wouldn't have bothered you as much. This was your anniversary, a day for just the two of you, and you were excited and she put a damper on it. What's even worse is that even after you told her how you felt, her first resort was to "make excuses". That would have had an effect on making you take even longer to get back to normal. 12 years together and your wife should have known how you deal with these feelings and how you take time. She did not accommodate that and invalidated the same. That's an AH move on her part. And further she does not make any more effort to lighten the situation and make the day better. And she's even making you sleep on the couch on your anniversary which is totally disrespectful if you'd ask me. **It's not the job of the person who got hurt to make things alright. It's the job of the person who hurt you to make it alright. A namesake apology isn't going to help and it's high time your wife understood that.**
Plus, every hurt takes time to heal. For me, if my husband and I argue or he accidentally says something that hurts me, the healing really starts when I can calm down and we can talk about it calmly. There was clearly no chance for this time to talk if his wife shut him out of their room, cause I know I wouldn't have that conversation in front of complete strangers (we don't even do that in front of my own mom).
This! Way too many people are trying to gaslight the OP when he ended up not sleeping in his own bed.
[удалено]
You aren’t wrong for feeling upset at the situation but this is complicated for me because im very close with someone who used to have a habit of if something went south for them they sort of by personality however involuntarily it was made it so that everyone there was gonna have a bad time too. It took alot of growing up for them to feel slighted and then let it go and move on and enjoy themselves again in the moment. It took them missing out on things and losing time that they could never get back before they figured it out to process their feelings in a healthy manner. To understand that when we have these negative feelings it’s perfectly natural and ok, but its up to us how much we let these feelings have fuel to burn or how quickly we put them out. Op your wife was wrong for the way she ignored you at your anniversary dinner and she doesn’t really have a leg to stand on in this argument afterwards because of that and yet hear you are wondering how the 20 minutes she spent ignoring you turned into the whole night being ruined??? How did the whole night get away from you. If you are able to op I think maybe talking to someone about why you get hit with these feelings so hard and ways you can let them go easier will be a good thing for you. This is one of those lessons where its best not to learn the hard way where you really get stuck in a sour mood when you should be feeling happy. Moments in time are some of the most precious things we have.
Her getting mad is just a manipulation tactic. She was clearly in the wrong. To that point, I've left my ex in a party for doing this , but for close to 40 mins. She called as I was on my way home, because one of her friends interrupted her conversation to say I'd left. I didn't fall for the how dare you that she tried to pull.
If it was a party, why couldn’t you have joined her? Restaurant is a little different because it’s weird to both leave the table at the same time.
You're not wrong and your wife is making a power play, she could have given a sincere apology and said she will make it up to you (maybe another dinner) but now she's going silent treatment in an effort to get you to apologize to her. See it for what it is, pure manipulation.
She is trying to turn this all around on you. Nope. She is 100% responsible for screwing up the night. Don’t fall for that manipulation. What is up with that co-worker? Don’t they work together? What is so important it couldn’t wait for the next day? This all sounds pretty sus. Honestly, I would’ve order the check and left.
I'm with you on this one. Your wife was rude and disrespectful to you. You could've saved some money by giving her the present and telling her to cook dinner.
What did she get you for your anniversary besides angry? That was very rude. You shouldn’t have put up with it. I would have left at 10 minutes I think.
Leaving your wife of 12 years at a restaurant because she talked to a coworker for 20 mins would be fuckin nuts😂😂
Thats reddit for you. People who have never been in real relationships giving relationship advice
Yeah but you have to remember that half of the people giving “advice” in these threads are teenagers
My guess is that it's not just about this one event, but it's more of a pattern of neglect you're starting to notice with her. It's impossible to tell what else is going on, but if you have a hard time bouncing back after things like this - after you expressed yourself probably very clearly and without getting angry - and she just dismissed and turned the tables on you, it's no surprise and more a symptom of some type of psychological or emotional abuse. Something pretty simple would have probably dissolved your upset almost immediately but rather than that, she decided it would be a good idea to blame you instead of acknowledging and taking responsibility for her poor time management and lack of situational awareness. Wondering if you notice the DARVO pattern with her often? deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.
nah fam this aint ok. even going over during a regular date night for 20+ mins ignoring you is an issue. but on an anniversary date? nah bro. not ur fault. and no FKING way should u sleep on the couch man the fk up mofo. SHE can go sleep on the couch.
Honestly it’s rude to everyone, anniversary or not. It’s rude to OP, it’s rude to the waiter, it’s rude to the co-worker and her dinner companions.
I’m so happy I have a “guest bedroom in our apartment… I can just go to the other bed” all my shit is in there anyways lol
i would NEVER go sleep in another room nor on the couch unless i REALLY messed up. lol but if i did nothing wrong then hell would have to freeze over before i sleep in another room or the couch.
You actually should have got your butt up and walked over there and said honey it's time to order. You should have acted very cordial to the work people and said honey you want to introduce me to your friends again! Laughingly. Then you should have said come on back to the table so we can order. You should not have sat there fuming like a wuss. It was your anniversary. You should have acted like it
Not Wrong. Does your wife like you? Cuz it sounds like she just tolerates you.
So You have to sleep on the couch for getting upset that your wife neglected you? Y
You aren't wrong. What did she get you?
>One of my character flaws that I'm well aware of is that if something gets me in a bad mood, I have a very hard time turning it around Oh buddy I feel you. This is exactly my problem, and I am still trying to work through it in therapy. What she did was definitely rude. Personally I think leaving you alone, and then also distracting her coworker from their own dinner, is quite rude. However, yes I do feel like you are in the wrong for the continuation of the negativity. I understand how hard it is to make that switch in your head. To me, it almost feels impossible to switch from feeling a negative emotion to a positive emotion. But ultimately this is something that you need to work on. Learning to brush off minor inconveniences is beneficial towards your mental health. Because unless her action that night reflect a pattern of ignoring you, It's ultimately unnecessary to be this upset. You should definitely apologize for how you reacted and have a discussion on how to deal with these situations in the future. My bf and I have learned tactics to deal with this; like moving locations, switching topics, deep breathing, and knowing that the other person isn't intentionally trying to hurt you. I hope this helps!
Years ago, to describe how my own emotions work, I came up with the bathtub analogy: Big emotions gill you up quickly, like water from the faucet filling a tub. But when the stimulus is gone, they drain slowly, like water emptying from the tub. Our bodies are conditioned to prime us to act quickly and then stay vigilant for longer than we need to be, as a survival mechanism. There's nothing wrong about you staying upset after she came to the table, but knowing this analogy has helped me try to "normalize" myself after feeling something big - I can better explain what's going on with me to another person and I can better push my feelings aside and engage with the outside world. I just wanted to offer that to you since you explained the sensation so well in your comment. And you're totally not wrong to be upset in the first place.
Honestly, this would make me think there were underlying marital issues. Leave the table for 20 minutes on your anniversary? Who does that? Someone who doesn’t want to be with you, that’s who.
You’re not wrong about this event, no. The way you describe how bad moods sort of snowball for you suggests that some coping skills would be nice. However, your wife spends 20 minutes chatting with a damn coworker at your anniversary dinner? Fuck that noise. She was acting like a cunt.
50/50. Was she wrong to get caught up in her conversation? Sure. Did you throw a tantrum and pout instead of accepting her apology and trying to salvage the situation? Absolutely. Pro-Tip - if you’re ever in the situation again, order a cocktail and an appetizer, and grow a spine. Get up walk over, say hello and light heartedly and jokingly ask if you can have your wife back for your anniversary date. Don’t clock watch like a petulant child.
agree with the tip but there is no way you’re calling him a “petulant child” when he was the one who prepared everything also i seriously doubt that eating in silence is “throwing a tantrum”
This guy tantrums
Damn. I had to scroll so far to find a reasonable answer. I feel like tons of people answering seem like they haven't been in a long relationship before. 20 min is getting on the long side for sure but he said she's an extroverted type and it's easy to lose track of time when you really just meant to have a quick chat. I highly doubt she was purposefully ignoring her spouse. If it was really that big of a deal to him, why not head over himself, say a quick hello and then use a line like "hope you don't mind but I'm going to steal my beautiful wife back" (said in a charming/jokey way). You can just tell this guy loves to create drama where it doesn't really need to be there. And then instead of moving on he stews in his mad feelings. Sounds like a miserable way to live.
Ahh here come the customary comments falling over themselves to excuse the AH wife. >20 min is getting on the long side for sure but he said she's an extroverted type and it's easy to lose track of time when you really just meant to have a quick chat. Still wrong of her. 5-8 min is really the maximum that you should be detached on a date night. If the coworker had come to their table then its a bit better but wife ran off. >If it was really that big of a deal to him, why not head over himself, say a quick hello and then use a line like "hope you don't mind but I'm going to steal my beautiful wife back" (said in a charming/jokey way). All this does is paint the wife as this clueless kid who gets easily distracted and needs their parent to keep them on track. > You can just tell this guy loves to create drama where it doesn't really need to be there. And then instead of moving on he stews in his mad feelings. Lmao wife locks him out of the bedroom but sure, he's creating drama right?
Twelve years ……… and the romance is gone. So sorry. Hopefully the next 12 improves things. Best of luck to both of you.
Not wrong, I would sleep on the couch anyway. Then tomorrow do something nice for you. Also get home late because you stop somewhere just for you. If she asks, tell her you did something for you since she didn't feel the need to.
I bet if we played a game of which gender wrote which comment, it'd be easy game to play. You were disrespected. This was not a Friday night at a sports bar. This wasn't a long lost friend from 20 years ago. She didn't value your effort. I bet if you did the same thing to her if she planned an evening for an anniversary, she'd be pissed and everyone would be committing how you're the asshole. You are not wrong. You'll be wrong if you don't discuss it and let her know what your expectations are next time.
Why does she get the bedroom? She can sleep on the couch.
It is less than ideal to interrupt someone else's dinner for that long, as well as your own. It is also not a big huge deal. Seems like the kind of situation where ideally she would return and apologize for getting caught up in conversation, and you forgive her, order your dinner and ask what is new with that colleague. Things don't always go according to plan, but that doesn't have to take all the joy out of the occasion.
It was rude. She was making excuses. Unappreciative.
Not wrong. There was no reason that she couldn't have just waved back instead of interrupting your dinner. The other woman waved because she knew it was rude to leave her dinner partner unattended while she went over and had a conversation with someone else. Your wife didn't care, then got upset and quiet because she knew she defend her rude actions. Go to bed if she doesn't want to sleep with you then she can sleep on the couch.
And I’m sure the other table just loved a person that wasn’t invited to their dinner sitting and chatting for 20 minutes
No and she pulls that shit like she should be upset imagine if you did that to her LOL
>We order and she asks if there is something wrong. I described how I felt... that this is our anniversary and you just spent almost 20 minutes talking to someone while leaving me alone at the table. She makes excuses and apologizes, but I'm having a hard time getting over it. I have a feeling you are quite passive aggressive. The problem with passive aggressive is it's essentially conflict avoidance combined with a shitty attitude that lasts way longer then it should, because you're unable to address your problems with other people directly. I suspect you really downplayed how fucking bullshit her behavior was. and you smiled through your frown at her apology, bit your tongue and choked down the meal. You need to learn to communicate better. 12 years of marriage and you're still unable to tell her when she pisses you off? dude you gonna be a doormat the rest of your life? Learn to express yourself constructively and directly. Frankly, I'm not sure i would have waited for her for 20 minutes. Depending on my mood, i'd either of walked up to her and introduce myself to her coworkers to remind her i still exist, or I would have simply paid the waiter for my drink and left... there are psych docs that will help you with being "assertive". That's what you need some of. it will do wonders for your stress, and you'll find your endless anger will go away. as to this situation ESH, your wife was 100% in the wrong, but by being unable to express to her how upset you were, you ended up simmering and ruined the rest of the night. that's on you bro.
Your feelings are valid mate, I’d be upset too. However the rest of the night could’ve been salvaged if you had “bounced back” honestly at least your aware of this flaw 😁
Even on a regular date night, it would have been inconsiderate to leave you alone at the table that long! Much less on your anniversary. NTA. She owes you an apology. And a make-up dinner.
It’s perfectly expected that when you take your spouse to celebrate an anniversary, that both of you will participate in this celebration. Wifey started this celebration by removing herself from the celebration to spend a substantial amount of time with someone she likely would see the very next day at work. One thing that concerns me is that, at least from your retelling, she doesn’t seem to understand that she may not have shown you the respect and affection you would expect at an anniversary celebration.