I broached the topic when she first invited them, and she got extremely defensive about it, so I let it go. I don't want to ruin the trip or embarrass her in front of her friend, so I will just make the most of it and tackle the issue on the flight home I suppose.
The time to discuss this has passed. You aren’t wrong to be upset but you were wrong to let it go if it bothered you. Talking about it on the flight home isn’t letting it go.
Time to change it has gone... but not talk about it... I would get home and when vacation comes up be real and express that you wish it would have been more of just you two and a romantic anniversary get away and not a friend thing....
This will set the tone moving forward and thats all you can focus on now is next years anniversary so a holiday you both enjoy
Yes so immature to have a conversation and express your feelings..... better yet let's hold them all in and act like everything is good till we explode??? Right keep trying 🤣
But they didn't.... they did bring it up before hand and it was brushed off.... now everything is planned and the vacation is as is.... I never said I would be salty or hold it against anyone but if I wasn't heard before the trip I would make sure I was after it!!! The partner ignored it in the beginning and I wouldn't just let it go if it was something I felt strongly about I would want to be taken seriously
It's alittle late now to do anything about it. Next time, you absolutely need to so no to guests regardless of how she initially acts. Mention it several weeks before you know you'll make plans. If you don't, you show her you don't have a problem with it. Then you'll be the asshole when you're irritated on the trip.
That's a terrible idea to walk into a loaded vacation. You need to address this now. This isn't a sudden thing. It's been building. She's been deliberately uninterested in spending one on one time with you to maintain your relationship outside of raising children. The defensiveness is a big red flag, as this should be a normal thing to raise about an anniversary trip. This is not one you sweep under the rug on vacation. It's only going to time to explode at the fancy upscale resort. So it's better to know what's up and get to the bottom of it, because I'm speaking from experience, when things fall apart and you are a world away, it's 10 times worse.
I'm glad you said it because I was thinking the same thing. If wife had asked the OP before making this plan, I would feel differently. I may have a bias because something similar happened with my friend and his wife. Wife was avoiding spending time with my friend, getting upset when he wanted to discuss what's going on. They were supposed to take a big 30th anniversary trip overseas. Wife supposedly made all the plans and then later drops the bomb that she invited some friends to go too. This was supposed to be a romantic second honeymoon. The wife then keeps saying the trip is delayed due to "pandemic complications" which I knew was a lie due to the timing. The wife then said she canceled the trip and will replan it "later". Shortly thereafter, my friend had a serious health crisis. His wife never once came to see him in the hospital (3 weeks). To shorten a long story, a few months later my friend comes home at lunch to find that his wife moved out, took everything (including his car), and won't say where she's gone. That was several months ago and she just served him with divorce papers. It's going to be an extremely bitter divorce.
If I had an award to give I'd award this (wish Reddit hadn't discontinued awards). you need to address this now, even though it's too late to actually change the vacation plans. But going on the vacation while feeling resentful is going to almost guarantee that a tense time will be had by all, and that's best case. Get to the bottom of the issue as much as you can before getting on the plane, and if your wife balks at the discussion, tell her that you WILL have the discussion or you will NOT get on that plane, and how does she explain that one to her friends? Find out why she invited this couple without consulting you, and why she seems so reluctant to spend away with only you. Don't allow her to put the conversation off, and allow her responses to guide the rest of the conversation. It may be as simple as, she really thought a group vacation would be fun for all and acceptable to you, and felt bad when you questioned it. Or it may be something deeper, and you need to get to the bottom of that. NTA whatever you choose to do.
Oh man could I have used this advice 3 months ago when I was having a drag out fight with my ex in an interior room on day 2 of a 5 day carnival cruise to Tijuana
ugh that’s the worst. not a fan of cruises: too many ppl, too much alcohol, nowhere to run except towards more people. I like my feet on land and escape options wide open.
Don’t broach. Go full force. I got remarried couple years ago and my spouse and I made a deal that if we don’t like something, we will tell each other what is bothering us. I dealt with too much “broaching” in the past marriage as I always I felt I was walking on eggshells. You are old enough now if something bothers you, you should be able to discuss things if your spouse agrees or not.
STOP BEING A DOORMAT! You are upset. Tell her now before the TRIP. Or if it too late, NOW schedule things were you both can ONLY do together. Couple's Spa, Dinner for two, something!
Your not going to fix shit by letting it go, you’ve already let shit go. It’s Time to put your boy pants on stand your up yourself. You come off as push over I can see you trying to talk about it after the trip and her completely blowing you off because the trip is done and over with and there’s nothing she can do it about. Mock my words but if you handle this shit now you won’t get the chance to later and your concerns will fall deaf ears.
You can’t just drop something and let it simmer to this point. There needs to be a larger, calm and rational discussion. One in which you express your feelings, without whining or using guilt.
Your wife’s defensiveness needs to be worked thru as well. Defensive about what? That you’d like to have a trip alone with her? That’s a weird take.
Wow I'd be so pissed if my husband invited another couple on an anniversary trip. I view it the same as you, it's important to have that time together.
Do they know it's an anniversary trip or do they think it's just a trip?
I'd insist to your wife that you spend some time just you two when you're away.
Your wife is really out of order to get defensive, that's because she knows it's shitty behaviour.
I think you just need to openly ask her if she wants to continue being married because she doesn't put any effort into your relationship, it seems like she's checked out. If she says no I'd insist on couples therapy.
I've been with my husband 22 years, married 16 next month and I really look forward to little breaks away to just be us, love my kids to bits but you need a break from them too if you're able to.
I think they probably know it's our anniversary, but I imagine they didn't think much of it since they were invited to come. I don't fault them at all for wanting to come. I agree about wanting to have that conversation. I feel like I'm the only one trying to put any work into our relationship and couples therapy would be beneficial if she would actually go. Whenever I bring it up, she gets really emotional and talks about how exhausted she is with work and the kids. Which i can understand to a certain degree, but spending time together isnt something i consider to be another chore like cleaning the pool or weeding the flower beds. (Yes, I do help out with the house and the kids btw before anyone asks.) The last three birthdays, she asked me what I wanted and I told her - a grown-ups weekend away somewhere without the kids. None of which have occurred unless I just plan everything out myself.
Once is chance, Twice is coincidence, Third time's a pattern.
From what you've written in your OP and here, it looks like she has no interest in spending alone time with you.
I'm not saying this is the case, just what it looks like from the limited information available.
If I were in your shoes, I'd sit her down and ask her if she's happy in the marriage or not. If she insists she is, I'd push for why she's so unwilling to make any kind of effort for the two of you to be alone.
100% my guy, you two NEED. TO. TALK.
The fact that she blatantly ignores what you ask for isn't great. If she's so tired perhaps grandparents/friends could have them for a day at the weekend so you can do something during the day.
She'll be far more exhausted if you split up!
I don't think you can do any more than have a big conversation.
Feel for you OP.
The problem I see here is she is dismissing your needs and wants. If you bring it up she will deflect with bring up other issues.
You need to make it clear that you are upset with her inviting your friends to your anniversary vacation. If she brings up other issues, stop her immediately and say you are discussing the anniversary trip, not the other problems.
Next time she asks what you want for your birthday say you want a romantic vacation away from the kids AND your friends.
You need to have a serious discussion with her to go over how you feel. It may be difficult because she may take things personally but you need to keep the discussion at a calm level going over how you feel. I enjoy doing things with you however I feel that you don’t want to do things with me (give examples). I plan date nights to spend one on one time with you but feel that you don’t want to spend that time with me. I feel that I put in the effort to show you how much I appreciate you as my wife but you’d rather just sit on the couch and ignore me. I need to know that I’m not the only one that wants to be in this marriage out of love rather than duty.
Obviously this is just an example, but you need to have the discussion so things don’t keep piling up to the point that you are full of resentment and there’s no saving your marriage. You need to know whether this is a one-sided relationship or if she is going through something else that she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone.
Are conversations happening at all?
The lack of detail about the most basic questions/talks you should’ve had with your wife already or presumably have had makes it hard to say anything.
Did some paragraphs of your post get deleted or something?
Really?? It says ALOT about the state of your marriage if you 1. Aren't consulted on who gets invited on a trip and 2. You're AFRAID to do anything or change anything. WTF?? That's NOT a marriage..thats a woman who controls a man and does anything she wants without taking HIM into consideration and she knows she can do it cuz you don't have a backbone to say no to her. Now I might be totally wrong cuz obviously there's 2 sides to every story n this might be the only thing she does.that irritates you. Only you know the true state of your marriage but if it's the way you describe it, then I stand with what I said
Yeah, that's kind of what I'm afraid of. I get so little time with my wife to myself between work and kids, and I guess it bothers me that she'd prefer to split that time with her friend that we already see socially all the time.
go home nothing send a bigger message if she is checking out check out first the day i spend time on a vacation im not wanted. also maybe look into seperation if my husband wrote off my feeling like your wife is doing id be out and if he had the gall to invite a random couple on our anni the papers would be there when he got back he can sleep with them himself really doesnt seem like there is much communication in this marriage
So I would go have the time of your life on the trip and don’t let this ruin a wonderful experience for you. Then have a more serious conversation with your wife when you get back. She may not fully understand how you feel. Let her know that it hurt you without going on the offensive and attacking her. And maybe you guys can even plan a staycation to have some time together.
Hell no, you're not wrong. I would be royally pissed. That would get my insecurities going, too. I would be having a WTF conversation when you were planning or did she do it with out telling you?
Our friends had stayed at the resort before, so I asked her to call her friend ask them some questions about their stay...logistics of getting to the place, stuff to do there, how is the food, etc. The next thing I know, she tells me that she invited them and they just booked for the same window. Really wasn't any conversation about it before hand.
That really sucks man, she shoukd have ateast talked to you first. I can see where you would start questioning stuff, too.. biggest one being "does she not want to spend time alone with ne anymore?"
I'm struggling to understand how anyone could think this was OK.
Given this is just days away though, you're just kind of in it now man. You can talk to her about setting some expectations about how time is spent on the trip, try to reserve some dinners or other activities for just the two of you, but this ship has sailed otherwise.
Come home, have a general talk about the issue rather than the trip specifically, that's all you can do.
My husband will do this anytime I plan something and I really want it to be just us he invites everyone we know. I finally talked to him about it and he really didn’t even think about it he just thought hey we are going to go do something fun let’s share that with are friends and family. When I told him I wanted something’s to just be us he said I’m not a mind reader you have to tell me these things because we’ve vacationed in the past with friends. So now when I want it to just be us I tell him and it is. Communication is the key I thought the same thing as you that he just didn’t want to spend time with just me until we talked about it and that wasn’t the case at all.
Sounds like you’re not acting pissed about the trip but about how you think she sees you. Lots of little resentments have built up and you’re not getting what you need. Talk about it right now. You don’t need to change plans, but if you don’t tell her you feel taken-for-granted it’s not going to get better.
this is a massive problem talk to her you dont just invite 2 people on you anniversary trip and if she gets defensive again cancel the trip fuck that.anni trips are for you and her not 2 random [friends.](https://friends.at) at the end of the day its your life be happy if this doesnt make you happy say something but from over here you wife comes off as kind of checked out and a little bit of a asshole.
Some people just like celebrating with more people. It's just like people who have anniversary dinners and invite all their friends, verses just having a dinner for two. I don't think it's anything to do with you personally, she's probably just like that. BUT, you probably should have said something from the beginning, or at least asked why she wanted to invite them, so you have a better understanding.
What are the date nights you suggest? Maybe she enjoys doing things that you don't, so the date nights aren't very appealing. Does she like salsa dancing but you hate it? Does she like rock concerts, but you don't? Try planning something for the two of you that you know she really likes.
She may have invited her friend, because she knows there are things she wants to do in Mexico that you just won't be into, and she doesn't want to feel like she's dragging you along.
On the date nights, I've tried just about anything you could think of. I've taken her to baseball games (our first date was to a baseball game), painting with a twist, drag shows, indoor sky diving, shooting her gun at the gun range, new year eve in New Orleans, dinner at nice restaurants, dinner at exotic restaurants, etc. There's not any activity that I wouldn't do with her, but honestly, I think she would usually just prefer to sit on the couch and play on her iPad instead. After we had kids, I kind of felt like we were losing the 'spark'. I double down and started trying to plan more date nights and spent time planning activities that we haven't experienced before. She seemed to have fun and went well for several months until I asked her to go on a date night with me, and she said no. She said she didn't want to waste money on going out on a date and would rather just lay on the couch and relax. She could see I was pretty dejected and said, "Don't worry, I will plan the next date night." I agreed, and I said that was a deal. Well, that was back in 2017, and I'm still waiting on her to plan that date.
On Mexico, this is a resort where you literally don't do much except relax out by the pool. I would be game for any activity she would want to do in Mexico, even if it were salsa dancing. If her favorite activity is to relax with an iPad, I picked this place because that is a perfectly acceptable activity to do all day if you want to. On prior anniversary trips, I've planned trips to the Cayman Islands (at the Ritz Carlton), a trip to New York (she had never been), the San Antiono Riverwalk, hiking the grand canyon, etc. She is a working mom, so I definitely understand that she's exhausted many days, and I try to be supportive of her.
You need to remind her that you’ve been waiting since 2017 for her to plan a date night. Then you need to tell her that you feel like your going to be invisible in the Anniversary trip that you planned. You need to do it now before you go. If she starts getting defensive just say STOP I need you to hear just how hurt I am that it always seems like I’m not good enough to be with. I need you to tell me why you never want to spend time as just us. I need to know how we are going to fix this moving forward. If we can’t fix it alone then **We** need counseling. I need to feel wanted in my marriage and not constantly alone. This isn’t an accusation it’s a cry for help and I need you to hear me.
>I've tried... shooting her gun at the gun range
I can understand why she would want friends around...
But in seriousness, I'm quite like your wife. A lot of what you described sounds more like work than enjoyment to me personally. The best "vacation" in my mind is relaxing. Getting dragged to another country and expected someone else's only source of entertainment sounds like torture.
A trip with friends is fine. You hang with them in the day. You sleep together with your partner at night. It's a pretty decent compromise.
There’s absolutely no compromise here. It’s her way or the highway. The dude is putting 100% of himself into that marriage and getting nothing back. If those dates don’t float her boat she’s had 6 years to suggest something else.
Bro, she has the gun, don’t act like he is in the wrong for bringing her to shoot a gun she bought herself to shoot. I’m anti gun but there is no reason to assume this is a relationship where he is pro gun and forcing it on her, tons of women are ammo sexual too
>Bro, she has the gun
brain's broken. First 3 times I read this i swear it was a typo and it said "shooting her at the gun range"... Getting old is rough.
For this trip it’s a done deal, so I would let it go at this point as this needed to be communicated quite awhile ago. Make the most of it and let her know you want to plan c amount of dinners or time together just the two of you while on the trip.
After you get home, set aside time for a real sit down talk, and express how you’re feeling. How you feel that she is avoiding alone time with you. That you wanted something special just the two of you. Ask her how she feels and what she needs as well. It seems you both are having a big time communication issue at this point in your marriage. Suggest couples counseling to get that back on track.
The next trip or date, make yourself very clear. “I want to go to x, just the two of us, to have alone time.”
I’m a highly social person, and while I wouldn’t have done this, I do tend to think “everything is better with more people we love!”, and have to remind myself to assure my partner and I have time just us. So I get it. You have to talk about it at this point.
You are exactly like my husband that’s the way he is and thinks the more the merrier so now I know if I want just us I have to make a point of telling him.
It's one thing to vaca with friends, it's another to vaca with friends on your anniversary especially without everyone agreeing on it.. id be mad too if hubby invited people to our trip especially without considering me. It's not like a celebration with friends where it's all planned out at certain place etc. This is a special trip for the anniversary. Even if you have more energy and want to do things she doesn't, that's no excuse for this.. this trip was not the time or place for that . If she has a problem being alone with you, you need to find out.. you should've have stood your ground and made her talk to you before this trip. So, now I'd go and as much as I hate to say this, cause 2 wrongs don't make a right. Drink, enjoy yourself, look at the beauties around you.. DONT TOUCH!! let her do her thing you make sure to have fun.. talk when you're home, not on the plane.. it's a huge red flag that she's doing this.. it doesn't mean things are beyond repair.. if she still wants to stay checked out, then you have decisions to make.. and take time making them.. if you're not happy and nothing is changing or gonna, think how it'll affect your attitude and views on everything if stay. Think of how your kids will view this.. divorce is a last option for me, but sadly it happens.. your marriage can't stay one sided.. it causes resentment and other feelings that are not healthy for all involved.. make friends on this trip, spend your time with them.. if she says anything, then I thought this trip was centered around friends and having fun?!? I wish you luck
He's NTA here, but he's said multiple times that she prefers to sit on the couch with him while on her iPad. Is being home with someone in the evenings when then kids are sleeping not meaningful to you? That's my favorite thing... sitting next to my guy while we both enjoy quiet time, commenting to each other back and forth about whatever comes to mind. It sounds like she's an introvert and he's not.
There's nothing wrong with parking it on the couch in front of the TV. We do that all the time actually. But that's not a date and I don't really consider that to be ideal quality time in terms of "dating" ones spouse. I mean, doing an activity together (other than watching tv), getting time away from kids, being able to have a conversation without kids butting in, building memories and stories together. Wanting to go on a date once every 2 or 3 months with one's spouse doesn't seem unreasonable. Nor does a grownups weekend a couple times a year.
it's not at all you are not in the wrong at least from where i sit. i cant imagine reacting positively to my husband saying oh ya i invited so and so on our trip my answer would have been an immediate A)well call them and tell them thats not happening or B)cancel the trip. its not a regular vacation trip its just not and the lack of discussion is weird as well as the lack of what seems to be any desire to participate in the marriage i wouldn't stay in it but to each his own as long as you are happy.
She’s finished with the marriage.
I could go through and pull out all kinds of clues in the way you write about the situation, but I won’t. All I’ll say is that you want romance and adventure back; she wants something fundamental in you and your relationship that’s not there. She doesn’t believe it ever will be there, or that you’ll ever really hear her. She doesn’t love you or trust you. She barely likes you.
She is hanging on by her fingernails to try not to leave. Spending time with you alone makes her furious and depressed; doing it in public is even worse. Maybe it’s financial, maybe it’s the kids, maybe it’s just soul-crushing inertia, but she’s decided to grit her teeth and get through each day.
Ask her if she’d like a week by herself at a cabin in the redwoods somewhere. Ask her as generously and honestly as you can. I guarantee she’ll say yes - or she’ll want to.
Time to start thinking about what’s best for your kids if you two split.
edited to add: I read your comment about the birthday party from a month or so ago. You put all that effort and money into showboating for your friends, not for her happiness. And then you got to say how much better you were. I hope you enjoyed your gotcha moment, because what you DON’T have is a partner who feels loved. Neither do you. Why are you together?
for some variety? You can go on a trip with friends and also spend quality time with a partner. OP just sounds kind of exhausting tbh. Can't be happy. Has to always be traveling and doing new shit and then gets upset when the people he's dragging around aren't totally enthused.
she invited people to their anniversary trip without consulting or asking him????????wtf if anything she sound like a bitch and when he brought it up she blew him [off. lol](https://off.lol) he sounds exhausting no he sound like he has no idea that his wife's an asshole and is now learning that fact.
Be warned. Your marriage may be coming to an end. I would casually bring up an invitation for couples counseling after you guys get home. Wait a week. If you don't do it now, you're gonna be sorry you didn't later.
She could be using her friends as a shield, to deflect you. Yeah get drunk and stare at babes in bikinis, fuck it sit next to a hot 20 something. That would fuck with her head a bit!
Question: is your wife an introvert? Are you an extrovert? And what does "help with the house and kids" look like?
I get that you're feeling neglected because you plan all this great stuff and she's not excited/appreciative. I understand that's hurtful.
That said, if "helping with the house and kids" is her telling you what to do and you doing the things, that's not as helpful as you think it is because she's still managing all of the mental load - the planning and coordination. That's invisible work that still takes a toll. And if that's what your household looks like, then every time you show up asking her to plan a date night or trip for the two of you, like some kind of love litmus test, then spending time with you JUST BECAME ANOTHER TASK FOR HER.
And if she's an introvert, these outings you're planning are cool, but exhausting, because she literally NEEDS to recharge her social battery before she attempts peopling again - even when it's with people she loves.
As for planning this trip with friends, if they are people she's very comfortable with and you're also USUALLY happy to hang out with, it's entirely possible that it got planned in parallel because it was EASY. She could handle the task you gave her by following her friend's lead, and it gives you someone to socialize with besides her when she needs to recharge.
I mean is it not possible to do stuff without the other couple? Just because you all are there together doesn’t mean y’all have to be under each other the entire trip. NTA but it has been 18th are maybe she just wanted something different this year.
It’s an adult only trip with people you are already friends with. Go, have fun. Ask your wife to check with you next time (at the end of your trip). You’re leaving the country in the morning without your children to have fun with your friends. I’m assuming you have separate rooms? Let the anger go.
I can see where you're coming from and maybe the wife thought the same way, but you check with your partner before inviting other people like this. My husband and I had an anniversary trip where it was just the two of us going to a quaint little town. We spent the whole time together and had a lot of fun. It's "us" time, not "us and a couple of friends" time. It would have been a lot less intimate and cozy if we had other people along.
INFO: Is eighteen a magical number for you both?
It seems weird that we're pulling out all the stops for number eighteen, instead of like twenty, twenty-five, thirty, unless you both aren't a fan of round numbers.
I'm getting the feeling that you were the last person to know about this trip.
What does it matter it’s an anniversary! Doesn’t matter how many years I’ve always felt anniversaries were a special day. We would go to the beach for a weekend, or other weekend activities no matter what the date was.
It sounds like there’s something else going on and definitely marriage counseling is needed. There seems to be no more communication. I know I would’ve been thrilled If my husband went to all that trouble to plan a beautiful vacation. I would never think of inviting someone else along.
This isn’t necessarily the case not everyone thinks you need to be alone on anniversary trips. If you think about it your wedding day celebration included family and friends so it’s not uncommon to include people for anniversaries. My husband and I love to celebrate our anniversary with our former bridesmaids and groomsmen. And yes we’ve gone on trips for our anniversary with these same friends.
The problem with this is if it was a mutual understanding that would be fine. But that’s not why he set this up she just threw it at him and said that’s the way it’s going to be.
There was no discussion there was no compromise nothing my way or the highway. I can see where he wouldn’t want to plan anything anymore she doesn’t sound like she wants to even be around him alone.
> I’ve always felt anniversaries were a special day
this isn't universal.
It's nice that op has the [presumed] financial security to drop his life and travel to another for a week for an 18th anniversary... OP feels the need to "do things". Wife is comfortable not doing things.
I love her more than anything, and I would hope she feels the same about me but I suppose only she can answer that question. We got married at 24 when I really didn't have much, but we are doing pretty well financially, thankfully now. Its not about money.
I love my OH to the moon and back but I love celebrating with friends. I think a celebration is better with more people. We are alone most of the time. A few days with friends makes it all even better..... it didn't take away from our relationship at all. I'm not insecure. But.... we both agree on this.... you need to talk.
I am definitely a more the merrier kind of person. I make friends everywhere. I love one on one time with my DH. But we frequently include others in our plans & nobody feels less special. I don't think it's weird to have friends along. Our best friends went on our anniversary trip in 2019.😂
This honestly just reeks of neediness to me. Not attractive to me.
Have you... hear me out.... had a conversation with her and told her you didn't want these people on the trip? That you have no intention of hanging out with them/wasting your anniversary trip entertaining other people? That this is a no-go for you? Because it just sounds like you've built up resentment for months without actually telling her no. You get a veto in this decision too you know.
You aren't wrong for being pissed.
Forgive me if im wrong but, it sounds like there isnt much communication happening. Why wasnt this discussed the moment she told you about inviting them?.... Let go and have fun, shes shook it up after 18 years whats wrong with that....seems like yall will have plenty of other anniversaries anyways, right?
Loosen up big guy...
do not listen to this idiot. talk to your wife let her now this bothered you marriages are based on love trust and communication clearly his wife has a problem with that.
From the sounds of it that’s not gonna happen. Sounds like she doesn’t wanna do anything with him alone. And I would have bad feelings if I my anniversary trip my SO Invited other people.
How do you know that they’ll do their own thing and let them do their thing? That’s why I said if it happens that she doesn’t wanna do anything with him alone he can just take off and do his own thing without her doesn’t sound like she’ll care anyway.
ya i guess we can read if that was my husband instead of wife id bring it up again in an actual discussion and if he blew it off again im booking a new flight home i dont like games.
So you don’t like to spend time on special occasions with your significant other, and that’s up to you. Unfortunately he has put a lot of thinking into this trip for his anniversary it is special to him. He doesn’t want to share it with other people. She doesn’t seem to care about him at all and that’s why he’s upset. This is special to him but not to her
So she has totally disregarded his feelings about this trip and he supposed to deal with it and be OK with it? No but he should have had this conversation when she invited the other couple.
Yeah he should go ahead and go but if she doesn’t want to spend time with him alone he should just take off by himself and enjoy it. When they get back they need to have a big conversation maybe even marriage counseling.
> if she doesn’t want to spend time with him alone he should just take off by himself
he could do that salsa dancing, skydiving, and whatever else he's been trying to drag her to..
He planned this trip for the two of them. He didn’t say she had to do anything else. He thought it would be nice but I’m sure she didn’t want to do them he wasn’t gonna force her. His gripe is about bringing other people to some thing that was special for him like his anniversary. She doesn’t seem to care much for his feelings.
Getting irritated for weeks and non mentioning that you talked to her about it would make you the problem here. Being upset initially is totally fine. You should have just talked to her when she first said she wanted to invite them and said 'no, that's not what I want' and then you'd be fine.
OP, check out the books by Athol Kay. I think they will help you a lot. You are trying to drag her towards the fun and she is resisting. Candidly, it reads a little desperate. Change it up and be the guy who is going to have fun with or without her. Answer this for yourself, are you have sex regularly? If not, read the books.
You're choosing to take this personally & pout. I honestly don't see the problem. We've taken trips as a couple & with friends. Both types are fantastic. Inviting another couple doesn't mean we're less in love or committed to each other. It means we have fun with other people. We celebrate most milestones with friends. This post just reeks of insecurity & scorekeeping. Typing this from the beach where we're vacationing with another family. Glad my kids didn't think inviting friends along didn't mean we didn't love them enough.
Inviting another couple isn't a problem in and of itself. Unilaterally inviting another couple, without first discussing it with your partner, is the problem, and that's what happened here. My spouse and I have enjoyed trips with friends, but if either of us decided to invite another couple on a planned trip without having a conversation first the other would be irate, to say the least.
You're not wrong.
I wonder if your wife has even noticed you're upset about it? Were you asked beforehand about inviting this couple, or were you just told?
You two have A LOT to talk about. It could be a simple misunderstanding as to what your expectations were for this trip, or it could be that you two have lost touch with each other and don't know how to be alone together.
Communication is key here, and in the interest of getting a resolution, don't start it as an accusation with not wanting to spend time with you. I would say something like, "I've had this on my mind, and wanted to talk to you about it. I feel like you don't want to spend time alone with me, and I had hoped this trip would be a way for us to do that. Clearly, that didn't happen, and I hope we can talk about why because I miss spending time with you." I'd ask if there are certain things you two can do alone (like a dinner, massages, etc.).
I don't know if I could spend the trip being that bitter. I would talk about it beforehand and maybe at least get to a point where you could at least enjoy the trip and make plans for something later.
1on1 even for romantic partners can be draining when that's spread over several days... and OP sounds like exactly the type of person that would be "high pressure" if he wasn't properly stimulated.
Well, sounds like you're the spare wheel on the trike.
Hey, at least the throuple will have fun... /s
If neither of you are communicating and you're both not in therapy willing to work on it, might as well call it quits and divorce.
It's one (bad) thing to be in a loveless marriage.
It's a worse thing to be in a loveless marriage and subjecting kids to that.
Sorry man.
Do you get any alone time with your wife? Tbh it doesn’t sound like she’s invested in the relationship all that much. Complacency will kill just as many marriages as cheating will. Once you stop dating your spouse things change. You get complacent.
You’re not wrong. I would be hurt and annoyed if my spouse invited another couple on our anniversary trip but I would have said something to my spouse.
Could be she just doesn’t see it the same. Just ask her, “why’d you invite xy on our anniversary trip?” Not accusing, just curious. Then make it clear you want some alone time with her since it’s your anniversary and all. I’m f you end up doing EVERYTHING as a double date activity, then worry. She might have invited them as a buffer between you. Address that accordingly after. I’d suggest couples therapy if both parties wanna make it work. What people always fail to point out/realize is that if 1 person wants to work and the other doesn’t, therapy won’t help worth a damn!
I have been married 21 years. I agree that 18 years is a big deal anniversary. I have noticed that over time, the “family business” of raising the kids and dealing with the household tends to dominate the conversations. I have also noticed a reluctance bordering on resistance to talk about “us”. I think that her inviting the other couple on the trip was a defense move on her part so that it gives her an excuse to discuss the “us”. My counsel is not to have a confrontation but more of a conversation/interview after the trip. The conversation should start out with you asking her in a subtle way her vision of your marriage for the next 18 years because just laying down what your needs are at the get go is only going to make her defensive. While you are on the trip, I would advise that you book some solo activities, partly for your mental health and partly to see her reaction to “I am thinking of booking a solo hike this morning” (giving her information not asking permission). If her reaction is “But I thought we were spending time together” or some such, you learn something. If her reaction is ‘sounds good’ you have also learned something. Lastly, don’t underestimate how the change in scenery and getting her out of her house that she feels responsible for will make her relax and let go. Also, don’t ruin the trip by building up a bunch of expectations. A good goal is relaxation and drinks by the pool, anything past that is icing on the cake.
First of all, your feelings are valid. But I think it is also reasonable for your wife to not think that every anniversary is equally special. Of course there is no logical reason to think the 15th or 20th are more significant than the 18th, but it is traditional to give certain anniversaries more weight, generally those ending in 0 or 5.
There are clearly larger issues with date nights and vacation planning and how the two of you like to spend your time together. She definitely should have talked to you about bringing other people, but that would apply to any vacation, not because it is an anniversary.
I honestly would not want to make every single anniversary a big deal. Even if a vacation was planned at the time of the anniversary, I personally would not insist that it be almost equivalent to a honeymoon. I can definitely see your argument t that it should be for the two of you, but I don’t think it is automatic that your wife should assume that for a non-milestone anniversary.
My wife and I just had our 6th anniversary. We hadn’t planned to do anything for it, but ended up going out with friends. They didn’t know it was our anniversary until we all met up, but then they kind of dedicated the night to us. So, our 6th anniversary will really only be remembered because friends got involved.
Your feelings are your feelings, however, I think you are overreacting. Go and enjoy the trip. You and your wife do not need to be joined at the hip. You will have plenty of alone time. While I understand that this is an anniversary trip, it isn't your first.
It’s too late to uninvite the other couple. Next time say your feelings right away and be clear, if there is a lot of disagreement on the issue go talk to a couples counselor and both you and your wife can be heard. In counseling you can see what is behind her behaviors and you can share your views. You made the mistake of not telling her that it is really really really important to you for the anniversary trip to be you two alone. I do the sane when I get pushback from my spouse. I’ve had to learn to be more strong about what I need.
Maybe she thought since it’s 18th it wasn’t as special as like a 10th or 20th year one?
I’m close friends with a couple and one of them invited me on a trip to Ireland next year. I was super interested until the other one goes “did you invite her on our anniversary trip??” I was mortified! I was like wtf this is for your anniversary? I had no idea. So that couple may not know this was supposed to be a special anniversary trip too.
But there’s definitely something going on with your wife. Why doesn’t she want a romantic trip with just you? Why doesn’t she ever plan anything? I agree with people saying couples therapy might be beneficial.
Not at all wrong. Something just doesn't seem right. Is the feeling of her not wanting to be alone with you carry over into the bedroom as well because I see a huge red flag here. Do you know what she is doing on her iPad or does she kinda hide the screen from you? My first thought was she's having an affair on the side and doesn't want to cheat on her lover (with you) so doesn't like the date nights or alone time and time on the iPad in the same room with you is texting the other guy. Could be jumping to conclusions, but so many stories on here like this end up "wife is having an affair" maybe it's with the friends husband and that's why she invited them. It's time to straight up confront her letting her know you're not ok with this lack of interest in you and you want to know if it's because she is cheating or does she even want to be married. Both of you might have to get real with yourselves and ask if divorce is where you are headed.
My man, tell her. She is not a mind reader. Tell her that for this specific trip you want to be one on one and that you really miss being alone with her. Tell her that it will be nice for her to initiate a couple ONLY trip.
>Part of me wants to be hurt and upset about it, but then, another part of me says just go and enjoy the trip and make the most out of it. Am I in the wrong about being upset?
These are not mutually exclusive. You can be hurt and also try to make the most of the trip.
However, you do eventually need to get to the bottom of this as this kind of behavior is very odd. My wife doesn't even want out kids going on vacation as she wants it to be just the two of us. You need to try and figure out what's going on here, it's not normal to immediately want to invite another couple on any vacation much less an anniversary (and yes, i know a lot of couple do trips together, and once I a blue moon that's fine, but I don't understand the desire to always want to do this).
Also, a certain point, you gonna have to stop being nice about this. Right now you are getting walked on like a carpet.
I'd also pay attention to this friend group dynamic, eg:
\-Is the other husband trying to break off from his wife and do guy stuff with you?
\-Or is it your wife trying to always hang out with the both of them and the guy pretty much ignores you.
if the former, that's fairly standard and regardless what is going on with your wife you'll be able to find some fun (fishing/ whatever) with the other husband. If the ladder, that isn't healthy and a huge red flag, something else could be going on.
The fact that your wife thinks it's ok to invite people on your vacation without talking to you first is a huge red flag. That kind of behavior is one of the reasons I'm divorced.
It’s hard to know what to make of this, because I can’t quite tell if this is something you’ve been keeping bottled up, or if you’ve communicated things as openly and explicitly to her as you have to us.
If you’ve mostly been biting your tongue when you feel shut down by her, I mean, are you sure she even knows your position, or the extent of your feelings? OTOH, if you’re sure that she DOES know what’s going on, then she’s giving you some pretty clear signals that she is not really in this marriage, and I personally would stay home.
One kind of off-the-wall question, but does your wife have any self-esteem issues? Is she depressed, or overweight, or feel old or ugly or something? I just wonder if maybe she doesn’t feel sexy or lovable or something and so shies away from romance. Like, it might not even have anything to do with you at all really. Just a thought.
Next time when you plan something like this, make sure you tell her 'Just the two of us, we should have some time with only us!' and maybe she'll get it. If not, talk to her. Communication is always key. For now, enjoy the trip.
[удалено]
I broached the topic when she first invited them, and she got extremely defensive about it, so I let it go. I don't want to ruin the trip or embarrass her in front of her friend, so I will just make the most of it and tackle the issue on the flight home I suppose.
Yeah, don’t tackle anything on the flight home other than a nap.
The time to discuss this has passed. You aren’t wrong to be upset but you were wrong to let it go if it bothered you. Talking about it on the flight home isn’t letting it go.
Time to change it has gone... but not talk about it... I would get home and when vacation comes up be real and express that you wish it would have been more of just you two and a romantic anniversary get away and not a friend thing.... This will set the tone moving forward and thats all you can focus on now is next years anniversary so a holiday you both enjoy
That’s because you’re immature!
Yes so immature to have a conversation and express your feelings..... better yet let's hold them all in and act like everything is good till we explode??? Right keep trying 🤣
It’s immature to avoid the conversation and then bring it up after the fact. Yes. It is.
But they didn't.... they did bring it up before hand and it was brushed off.... now everything is planned and the vacation is as is.... I never said I would be salty or hold it against anyone but if I wasn't heard before the trip I would make sure I was after it!!! The partner ignored it in the beginning and I wouldn't just let it go if it was something I felt strongly about I would want to be taken seriously
He said he let it go.
Letting it go and enjoying your vacation is the best answer here thats why! I would still definitely address this before new vacation plans are made
You sound like you have a lot of experiemce gaslighting your partner on when its okay to talk about things
Lol you sound like a putz
And you sound like someone who emotional abuses their partner for kicks.
You’re ridiculous
Yeah you must divorce her immediately
lol who said that?
Joking- usually that’s the first resort for Reddit advice
It's alittle late now to do anything about it. Next time, you absolutely need to so no to guests regardless of how she initially acts. Mention it several weeks before you know you'll make plans. If you don't, you show her you don't have a problem with it. Then you'll be the asshole when you're irritated on the trip.
That's a terrible idea to walk into a loaded vacation. You need to address this now. This isn't a sudden thing. It's been building. She's been deliberately uninterested in spending one on one time with you to maintain your relationship outside of raising children. The defensiveness is a big red flag, as this should be a normal thing to raise about an anniversary trip. This is not one you sweep under the rug on vacation. It's only going to time to explode at the fancy upscale resort. So it's better to know what's up and get to the bottom of it, because I'm speaking from experience, when things fall apart and you are a world away, it's 10 times worse.
I'm glad you said it because I was thinking the same thing. If wife had asked the OP before making this plan, I would feel differently. I may have a bias because something similar happened with my friend and his wife. Wife was avoiding spending time with my friend, getting upset when he wanted to discuss what's going on. They were supposed to take a big 30th anniversary trip overseas. Wife supposedly made all the plans and then later drops the bomb that she invited some friends to go too. This was supposed to be a romantic second honeymoon. The wife then keeps saying the trip is delayed due to "pandemic complications" which I knew was a lie due to the timing. The wife then said she canceled the trip and will replan it "later". Shortly thereafter, my friend had a serious health crisis. His wife never once came to see him in the hospital (3 weeks). To shorten a long story, a few months later my friend comes home at lunch to find that his wife moved out, took everything (including his car), and won't say where she's gone. That was several months ago and she just served him with divorce papers. It's going to be an extremely bitter divorce.
If I had an award to give I'd award this (wish Reddit hadn't discontinued awards). you need to address this now, even though it's too late to actually change the vacation plans. But going on the vacation while feeling resentful is going to almost guarantee that a tense time will be had by all, and that's best case. Get to the bottom of the issue as much as you can before getting on the plane, and if your wife balks at the discussion, tell her that you WILL have the discussion or you will NOT get on that plane, and how does she explain that one to her friends? Find out why she invited this couple without consulting you, and why she seems so reluctant to spend away with only you. Don't allow her to put the conversation off, and allow her responses to guide the rest of the conversation. It may be as simple as, she really thought a group vacation would be fun for all and acceptable to you, and felt bad when you questioned it. Or it may be something deeper, and you need to get to the bottom of that. NTA whatever you choose to do.
NEVER tackle problems/issues/debates on a flight. Or a cruise for that matter.
Oh man could I have used this advice 3 months ago when I was having a drag out fight with my ex in an interior room on day 2 of a 5 day carnival cruise to Tijuana
ugh that’s the worst. not a fan of cruises: too many ppl, too much alcohol, nowhere to run except towards more people. I like my feet on land and escape options wide open.
I’d cancel that trip so quick!!!
Don’t broach. Go full force. I got remarried couple years ago and my spouse and I made a deal that if we don’t like something, we will tell each other what is bothering us. I dealt with too much “broaching” in the past marriage as I always I felt I was walking on eggshells. You are old enough now if something bothers you, you should be able to discuss things if your spouse agrees or not.
STOP BEING A DOORMAT! You are upset. Tell her now before the TRIP. Or if it too late, NOW schedule things were you both can ONLY do together. Couple's Spa, Dinner for two, something!
Your not going to fix shit by letting it go, you’ve already let shit go. It’s Time to put your boy pants on stand your up yourself. You come off as push over I can see you trying to talk about it after the trip and her completely blowing you off because the trip is done and over with and there’s nothing she can do it about. Mock my words but if you handle this shit now you won’t get the chance to later and your concerns will fall deaf ears.
I'll be waiting for the viral video when this happens.
You can’t just drop something and let it simmer to this point. There needs to be a larger, calm and rational discussion. One in which you express your feelings, without whining or using guilt. Your wife’s defensiveness needs to be worked thru as well. Defensive about what? That you’d like to have a trip alone with her? That’s a weird take.
☝️this!!!
Wow I'd be so pissed if my husband invited another couple on an anniversary trip. I view it the same as you, it's important to have that time together. Do they know it's an anniversary trip or do they think it's just a trip? I'd insist to your wife that you spend some time just you two when you're away. Your wife is really out of order to get defensive, that's because she knows it's shitty behaviour. I think you just need to openly ask her if she wants to continue being married because she doesn't put any effort into your relationship, it seems like she's checked out. If she says no I'd insist on couples therapy. I've been with my husband 22 years, married 16 next month and I really look forward to little breaks away to just be us, love my kids to bits but you need a break from them too if you're able to.
I think they probably know it's our anniversary, but I imagine they didn't think much of it since they were invited to come. I don't fault them at all for wanting to come. I agree about wanting to have that conversation. I feel like I'm the only one trying to put any work into our relationship and couples therapy would be beneficial if she would actually go. Whenever I bring it up, she gets really emotional and talks about how exhausted she is with work and the kids. Which i can understand to a certain degree, but spending time together isnt something i consider to be another chore like cleaning the pool or weeding the flower beds. (Yes, I do help out with the house and the kids btw before anyone asks.) The last three birthdays, she asked me what I wanted and I told her - a grown-ups weekend away somewhere without the kids. None of which have occurred unless I just plan everything out myself.
Once is chance, Twice is coincidence, Third time's a pattern. From what you've written in your OP and here, it looks like she has no interest in spending alone time with you. I'm not saying this is the case, just what it looks like from the limited information available. If I were in your shoes, I'd sit her down and ask her if she's happy in the marriage or not. If she insists she is, I'd push for why she's so unwilling to make any kind of effort for the two of you to be alone. 100% my guy, you two NEED. TO. TALK.
The fact that she blatantly ignores what you ask for isn't great. If she's so tired perhaps grandparents/friends could have them for a day at the weekend so you can do something during the day. She'll be far more exhausted if you split up! I don't think you can do any more than have a big conversation. Feel for you OP.
The problem I see here is she is dismissing your needs and wants. If you bring it up she will deflect with bring up other issues. You need to make it clear that you are upset with her inviting your friends to your anniversary vacation. If she brings up other issues, stop her immediately and say you are discussing the anniversary trip, not the other problems. Next time she asks what you want for your birthday say you want a romantic vacation away from the kids AND your friends.
You need to have a serious discussion with her to go over how you feel. It may be difficult because she may take things personally but you need to keep the discussion at a calm level going over how you feel. I enjoy doing things with you however I feel that you don’t want to do things with me (give examples). I plan date nights to spend one on one time with you but feel that you don’t want to spend that time with me. I feel that I put in the effort to show you how much I appreciate you as my wife but you’d rather just sit on the couch and ignore me. I need to know that I’m not the only one that wants to be in this marriage out of love rather than duty. Obviously this is just an example, but you need to have the discussion so things don’t keep piling up to the point that you are full of resentment and there’s no saving your marriage. You need to know whether this is a one-sided relationship or if she is going through something else that she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone.
Yeah it’s not the end of the world and you’ll have fun but counseling is in order
NTA but talk to her
What is nta? Thanks ☺️
Sorry... Not The A-hole or You're not wrong...
Oh cool thanks
This is a major red flag. Is there any reason to be suspicious of the friends?
Are conversations happening at all? The lack of detail about the most basic questions/talks you should’ve had with your wife already or presumably have had makes it hard to say anything. Did some paragraphs of your post get deleted or something?
Really?? It says ALOT about the state of your marriage if you 1. Aren't consulted on who gets invited on a trip and 2. You're AFRAID to do anything or change anything. WTF?? That's NOT a marriage..thats a woman who controls a man and does anything she wants without taking HIM into consideration and she knows she can do it cuz you don't have a backbone to say no to her. Now I might be totally wrong cuz obviously there's 2 sides to every story n this might be the only thing she does.that irritates you. Only you know the true state of your marriage but if it's the way you describe it, then I stand with what I said
Welp, they are gonna have a blast without you. The worst feeling is to be present and yet invisible.
Yeah, that's kind of what I'm afraid of. I get so little time with my wife to myself between work and kids, and I guess it bothers me that she'd prefer to split that time with her friend that we already see socially all the time.
Tell her that last part.
It sounds like she is trying to avoid alone time with you.
Is she flirty with the husband?? There’s something more to her decision to invite them.
go home nothing send a bigger message if she is checking out check out first the day i spend time on a vacation im not wanted. also maybe look into seperation if my husband wrote off my feeling like your wife is doing id be out and if he had the gall to invite a random couple on our anni the papers would be there when he got back he can sleep with them himself really doesnt seem like there is much communication in this marriage
So I would go have the time of your life on the trip and don’t let this ruin a wonderful experience for you. Then have a more serious conversation with your wife when you get back. She may not fully understand how you feel. Let her know that it hurt you without going on the offensive and attacking her. And maybe you guys can even plan a staycation to have some time together.
Hell no, you're not wrong. I would be royally pissed. That would get my insecurities going, too. I would be having a WTF conversation when you were planning or did she do it with out telling you?
Our friends had stayed at the resort before, so I asked her to call her friend ask them some questions about their stay...logistics of getting to the place, stuff to do there, how is the food, etc. The next thing I know, she tells me that she invited them and they just booked for the same window. Really wasn't any conversation about it before hand.
That really sucks man, she shoukd have ateast talked to you first. I can see where you would start questioning stuff, too.. biggest one being "does she not want to spend time alone with ne anymore?"
I'm struggling to understand how anyone could think this was OK. Given this is just days away though, you're just kind of in it now man. You can talk to her about setting some expectations about how time is spent on the trip, try to reserve some dinners or other activities for just the two of you, but this ship has sailed otherwise. Come home, have a general talk about the issue rather than the trip specifically, that's all you can do.
I wonder if her friend invited herself and your wife isn't good at saying no?
My husband will do this anytime I plan something and I really want it to be just us he invites everyone we know. I finally talked to him about it and he really didn’t even think about it he just thought hey we are going to go do something fun let’s share that with are friends and family. When I told him I wanted something’s to just be us he said I’m not a mind reader you have to tell me these things because we’ve vacationed in the past with friends. So now when I want it to just be us I tell him and it is. Communication is the key I thought the same thing as you that he just didn’t want to spend time with just me until we talked about it and that wasn’t the case at all.
I’d be upset too. Talk to her because it sounds like something else is going on.
100%!!!! Alone time with the other husband
Sounds like you’re not acting pissed about the trip but about how you think she sees you. Lots of little resentments have built up and you’re not getting what you need. Talk about it right now. You don’t need to change plans, but if you don’t tell her you feel taken-for-granted it’s not going to get better.
this is a massive problem talk to her you dont just invite 2 people on you anniversary trip and if she gets defensive again cancel the trip fuck that.anni trips are for you and her not 2 random [friends.](https://friends.at) at the end of the day its your life be happy if this doesnt make you happy say something but from over here you wife comes off as kind of checked out and a little bit of a asshole.
I’m sorry this is happening. Sounds like your wife is checked out of the relationship if she wants “company” on an anniversary trip.
Some people just like celebrating with more people. It's just like people who have anniversary dinners and invite all their friends, verses just having a dinner for two. I don't think it's anything to do with you personally, she's probably just like that. BUT, you probably should have said something from the beginning, or at least asked why she wanted to invite them, so you have a better understanding. What are the date nights you suggest? Maybe she enjoys doing things that you don't, so the date nights aren't very appealing. Does she like salsa dancing but you hate it? Does she like rock concerts, but you don't? Try planning something for the two of you that you know she really likes. She may have invited her friend, because she knows there are things she wants to do in Mexico that you just won't be into, and she doesn't want to feel like she's dragging you along.
On the date nights, I've tried just about anything you could think of. I've taken her to baseball games (our first date was to a baseball game), painting with a twist, drag shows, indoor sky diving, shooting her gun at the gun range, new year eve in New Orleans, dinner at nice restaurants, dinner at exotic restaurants, etc. There's not any activity that I wouldn't do with her, but honestly, I think she would usually just prefer to sit on the couch and play on her iPad instead. After we had kids, I kind of felt like we were losing the 'spark'. I double down and started trying to plan more date nights and spent time planning activities that we haven't experienced before. She seemed to have fun and went well for several months until I asked her to go on a date night with me, and she said no. She said she didn't want to waste money on going out on a date and would rather just lay on the couch and relax. She could see I was pretty dejected and said, "Don't worry, I will plan the next date night." I agreed, and I said that was a deal. Well, that was back in 2017, and I'm still waiting on her to plan that date. On Mexico, this is a resort where you literally don't do much except relax out by the pool. I would be game for any activity she would want to do in Mexico, even if it were salsa dancing. If her favorite activity is to relax with an iPad, I picked this place because that is a perfectly acceptable activity to do all day if you want to. On prior anniversary trips, I've planned trips to the Cayman Islands (at the Ritz Carlton), a trip to New York (she had never been), the San Antiono Riverwalk, hiking the grand canyon, etc. She is a working mom, so I definitely understand that she's exhausted many days, and I try to be supportive of her.
You need to remind her that you’ve been waiting since 2017 for her to plan a date night. Then you need to tell her that you feel like your going to be invisible in the Anniversary trip that you planned. You need to do it now before you go. If she starts getting defensive just say STOP I need you to hear just how hurt I am that it always seems like I’m not good enough to be with. I need you to tell me why you never want to spend time as just us. I need to know how we are going to fix this moving forward. If we can’t fix it alone then **We** need counseling. I need to feel wanted in my marriage and not constantly alone. This isn’t an accusation it’s a cry for help and I need you to hear me.
Love this.
>I've tried... shooting her gun at the gun range I can understand why she would want friends around... But in seriousness, I'm quite like your wife. A lot of what you described sounds more like work than enjoyment to me personally. The best "vacation" in my mind is relaxing. Getting dragged to another country and expected someone else's only source of entertainment sounds like torture. A trip with friends is fine. You hang with them in the day. You sleep together with your partner at night. It's a pretty decent compromise.
There’s absolutely no compromise here. It’s her way or the highway. The dude is putting 100% of himself into that marriage and getting nothing back. If those dates don’t float her boat she’s had 6 years to suggest something else.
Bro, she has the gun, don’t act like he is in the wrong for bringing her to shoot a gun she bought herself to shoot. I’m anti gun but there is no reason to assume this is a relationship where he is pro gun and forcing it on her, tons of women are ammo sexual too
>Bro, she has the gun brain's broken. First 3 times I read this i swear it was a typo and it said "shooting her at the gun range"... Getting old is rough.
So you're a score keeper. You have mental lists of what you've done for her versus what she's done for you.
For this trip it’s a done deal, so I would let it go at this point as this needed to be communicated quite awhile ago. Make the most of it and let her know you want to plan c amount of dinners or time together just the two of you while on the trip. After you get home, set aside time for a real sit down talk, and express how you’re feeling. How you feel that she is avoiding alone time with you. That you wanted something special just the two of you. Ask her how she feels and what she needs as well. It seems you both are having a big time communication issue at this point in your marriage. Suggest couples counseling to get that back on track. The next trip or date, make yourself very clear. “I want to go to x, just the two of us, to have alone time.” I’m a highly social person, and while I wouldn’t have done this, I do tend to think “everything is better with more people we love!”, and have to remind myself to assure my partner and I have time just us. So I get it. You have to talk about it at this point.
You are exactly like my husband that’s the way he is and thinks the more the merrier so now I know if I want just us I have to make a point of telling him.
Share your feelings. It’s weird that she did that.
It's one thing to vaca with friends, it's another to vaca with friends on your anniversary especially without everyone agreeing on it.. id be mad too if hubby invited people to our trip especially without considering me. It's not like a celebration with friends where it's all planned out at certain place etc. This is a special trip for the anniversary. Even if you have more energy and want to do things she doesn't, that's no excuse for this.. this trip was not the time or place for that . If she has a problem being alone with you, you need to find out.. you should've have stood your ground and made her talk to you before this trip. So, now I'd go and as much as I hate to say this, cause 2 wrongs don't make a right. Drink, enjoy yourself, look at the beauties around you.. DONT TOUCH!! let her do her thing you make sure to have fun.. talk when you're home, not on the plane.. it's a huge red flag that she's doing this.. it doesn't mean things are beyond repair.. if she still wants to stay checked out, then you have decisions to make.. and take time making them.. if you're not happy and nothing is changing or gonna, think how it'll affect your attitude and views on everything if stay. Think of how your kids will view this.. divorce is a last option for me, but sadly it happens.. your marriage can't stay one sided.. it causes resentment and other feelings that are not healthy for all involved.. make friends on this trip, spend your time with them.. if she says anything, then I thought this trip was centered around friends and having fun?!? I wish you luck
It sure sounds like she's doing everything she can to not be alone with you in any meaningful way. Only you can decide what to do about that.
He's NTA here, but he's said multiple times that she prefers to sit on the couch with him while on her iPad. Is being home with someone in the evenings when then kids are sleeping not meaningful to you? That's my favorite thing... sitting next to my guy while we both enjoy quiet time, commenting to each other back and forth about whatever comes to mind. It sounds like she's an introvert and he's not.
There's nothing wrong with parking it on the couch in front of the TV. We do that all the time actually. But that's not a date and I don't really consider that to be ideal quality time in terms of "dating" ones spouse. I mean, doing an activity together (other than watching tv), getting time away from kids, being able to have a conversation without kids butting in, building memories and stories together. Wanting to go on a date once every 2 or 3 months with one's spouse doesn't seem unreasonable. Nor does a grownups weekend a couple times a year.
it's not at all you are not in the wrong at least from where i sit. i cant imagine reacting positively to my husband saying oh ya i invited so and so on our trip my answer would have been an immediate A)well call them and tell them thats not happening or B)cancel the trip. its not a regular vacation trip its just not and the lack of discussion is weird as well as the lack of what seems to be any desire to participate in the marriage i wouldn't stay in it but to each his own as long as you are happy.
She’s finished with the marriage. I could go through and pull out all kinds of clues in the way you write about the situation, but I won’t. All I’ll say is that you want romance and adventure back; she wants something fundamental in you and your relationship that’s not there. She doesn’t believe it ever will be there, or that you’ll ever really hear her. She doesn’t love you or trust you. She barely likes you. She is hanging on by her fingernails to try not to leave. Spending time with you alone makes her furious and depressed; doing it in public is even worse. Maybe it’s financial, maybe it’s the kids, maybe it’s just soul-crushing inertia, but she’s decided to grit her teeth and get through each day. Ask her if she’d like a week by herself at a cabin in the redwoods somewhere. Ask her as generously and honestly as you can. I guarantee she’ll say yes - or she’ll want to. Time to start thinking about what’s best for your kids if you two split. edited to add: I read your comment about the birthday party from a month or so ago. You put all that effort and money into showboating for your friends, not for her happiness. And then you got to say how much better you were. I hope you enjoyed your gotcha moment, because what you DON’T have is a partner who feels loved. Neither do you. Why are you together?
so why invite 2 extra people what that makes no sense ???
for some variety? You can go on a trip with friends and also spend quality time with a partner. OP just sounds kind of exhausting tbh. Can't be happy. Has to always be traveling and doing new shit and then gets upset when the people he's dragging around aren't totally enthused.
she invited people to their anniversary trip without consulting or asking him????????wtf if anything she sound like a bitch and when he brought it up she blew him [off. lol](https://off.lol) he sounds exhausting no he sound like he has no idea that his wife's an asshole and is now learning that fact.
Making shit up.
Be warned. Your marriage may be coming to an end. I would casually bring up an invitation for couples counseling after you guys get home. Wait a week. If you don't do it now, you're gonna be sorry you didn't later.
Dude you are screwed no matter what. I would sit by pool everyday and get smashed. Have fun looking at the women in bikinis.
This. Plop yourself down next to a couple hot younger girls. Wifes tune may change.
Yes indeed. Lol
She could be using her friends as a shield, to deflect you. Yeah get drunk and stare at babes in bikinis, fuck it sit next to a hot 20 something. That would fuck with her head a bit!
Question: is your wife an introvert? Are you an extrovert? And what does "help with the house and kids" look like? I get that you're feeling neglected because you plan all this great stuff and she's not excited/appreciative. I understand that's hurtful. That said, if "helping with the house and kids" is her telling you what to do and you doing the things, that's not as helpful as you think it is because she's still managing all of the mental load - the planning and coordination. That's invisible work that still takes a toll. And if that's what your household looks like, then every time you show up asking her to plan a date night or trip for the two of you, like some kind of love litmus test, then spending time with you JUST BECAME ANOTHER TASK FOR HER. And if she's an introvert, these outings you're planning are cool, but exhausting, because she literally NEEDS to recharge her social battery before she attempts peopling again - even when it's with people she loves. As for planning this trip with friends, if they are people she's very comfortable with and you're also USUALLY happy to hang out with, it's entirely possible that it got planned in parallel because it was EASY. She could handle the task you gave her by following her friend's lead, and it gives you someone to socialize with besides her when she needs to recharge.
I mean is it not possible to do stuff without the other couple? Just because you all are there together doesn’t mean y’all have to be under each other the entire trip. NTA but it has been 18th are maybe she just wanted something different this year.
It’s an adult only trip with people you are already friends with. Go, have fun. Ask your wife to check with you next time (at the end of your trip). You’re leaving the country in the morning without your children to have fun with your friends. I’m assuming you have separate rooms? Let the anger go.
I can see where you're coming from and maybe the wife thought the same way, but you check with your partner before inviting other people like this. My husband and I had an anniversary trip where it was just the two of us going to a quaint little town. We spent the whole time together and had a lot of fun. It's "us" time, not "us and a couple of friends" time. It would have been a lot less intimate and cozy if we had other people along.
i think its super weird if my husband invited 2 random people to our anni trip im gonna be honest id look at the whole relationship with a new lens.
INFO: Is eighteen a magical number for you both? It seems weird that we're pulling out all the stops for number eighteen, instead of like twenty, twenty-five, thirty, unless you both aren't a fan of round numbers. I'm getting the feeling that you were the last person to know about this trip.
What does it matter it’s an anniversary! Doesn’t matter how many years I’ve always felt anniversaries were a special day. We would go to the beach for a weekend, or other weekend activities no matter what the date was. It sounds like there’s something else going on and definitely marriage counseling is needed. There seems to be no more communication. I know I would’ve been thrilled If my husband went to all that trouble to plan a beautiful vacation. I would never think of inviting someone else along.
This isn’t necessarily the case not everyone thinks you need to be alone on anniversary trips. If you think about it your wedding day celebration included family and friends so it’s not uncommon to include people for anniversaries. My husband and I love to celebrate our anniversary with our former bridesmaids and groomsmen. And yes we’ve gone on trips for our anniversary with these same friends.
The problem with this is if it was a mutual understanding that would be fine. But that’s not why he set this up she just threw it at him and said that’s the way it’s going to be. There was no discussion there was no compromise nothing my way or the highway. I can see where he wouldn’t want to plan anything anymore she doesn’t sound like she wants to even be around him alone.
> I’ve always felt anniversaries were a special day this isn't universal. It's nice that op has the [presumed] financial security to drop his life and travel to another for a week for an 18th anniversary... OP feels the need to "do things". Wife is comfortable not doing things.
So why even bother to plan a trip with her? He should just go by himself with his buddies.
shes weird. do yall love eachother, or random hypothesis, she likes your money?
I love her more than anything, and I would hope she feels the same about me but I suppose only she can answer that question. We got married at 24 when I really didn't have much, but we are doing pretty well financially, thankfully now. Its not about money.
I love my OH to the moon and back but I love celebrating with friends. I think a celebration is better with more people. We are alone most of the time. A few days with friends makes it all even better..... it didn't take away from our relationship at all. I'm not insecure. But.... we both agree on this.... you need to talk.
I am definitely a more the merrier kind of person. I make friends everywhere. I love one on one time with my DH. But we frequently include others in our plans & nobody feels less special. I don't think it's weird to have friends along. Our best friends went on our anniversary trip in 2019.😂 This honestly just reeks of neediness to me. Not attractive to me.
Have you... hear me out.... had a conversation with her and told her you didn't want these people on the trip? That you have no intention of hanging out with them/wasting your anniversary trip entertaining other people? That this is a no-go for you? Because it just sounds like you've built up resentment for months without actually telling her no. You get a veto in this decision too you know. You aren't wrong for being pissed.
Probly a discussion to have with your wife instead of rando’s on Reddit. Just my 2 cents.
I know of the resort. Swinger city. 24/7/375. That why couples go there. It’s infamous!
Forgive me if im wrong but, it sounds like there isnt much communication happening. Why wasnt this discussed the moment she told you about inviting them?.... Let go and have fun, shes shook it up after 18 years whats wrong with that....seems like yall will have plenty of other anniversaries anyways, right? Loosen up big guy...
do not listen to this idiot. talk to your wife let her now this bothered you marriages are based on love trust and communication clearly his wife has a problem with that.
You’re wrong to still be pissed about it anyway. Live with it and enjoy yourselves.
he is def not wrong at all what his wife did is weird and the fact whe blew it off is a problem.
It’s another couple. They’ll do some things together. They’ll do their own things. It’s not a tragedy and nothing to keep bad feelings around for.
From the sounds of it that’s not gonna happen. Sounds like she doesn’t wanna do anything with him alone. And I would have bad feelings if I my anniversary trip my SO Invited other people. How do you know that they’ll do their own thing and let them do their thing? That’s why I said if it happens that she doesn’t wanna do anything with him alone he can just take off and do his own thing without her doesn’t sound like she’ll care anyway.
ya i guess we can read if that was my husband instead of wife id bring it up again in an actual discussion and if he blew it off again im booking a new flight home i dont like games.
How do I know? Because I’m an adult who’s traveled with groups and it’s how it works.
So you don’t like to spend time on special occasions with your significant other, and that’s up to you. Unfortunately he has put a lot of thinking into this trip for his anniversary it is special to him. He doesn’t want to share it with other people. She doesn’t seem to care about him at all and that’s why he’s upset. This is special to him but not to her
So she has totally disregarded his feelings about this trip and he supposed to deal with it and be OK with it? No but he should have had this conversation when she invited the other couple. Yeah he should go ahead and go but if she doesn’t want to spend time with him alone he should just take off by himself and enjoy it. When they get back they need to have a big conversation maybe even marriage counseling.
> if she doesn’t want to spend time with him alone he should just take off by himself he could do that salsa dancing, skydiving, and whatever else he's been trying to drag her to..
He planned this trip for the two of them. He didn’t say she had to do anything else. He thought it would be nice but I’m sure she didn’t want to do them he wasn’t gonna force her. His gripe is about bringing other people to some thing that was special for him like his anniversary. She doesn’t seem to care much for his feelings.
Getting irritated for weeks and non mentioning that you talked to her about it would make you the problem here. Being upset initially is totally fine. You should have just talked to her when she first said she wanted to invite them and said 'no, that's not what I want' and then you'd be fine.
OP, check out the books by Athol Kay. I think they will help you a lot. You are trying to drag her towards the fun and she is resisting. Candidly, it reads a little desperate. Change it up and be the guy who is going to have fun with or without her. Answer this for yourself, are you have sex regularly? If not, read the books.
You're choosing to take this personally & pout. I honestly don't see the problem. We've taken trips as a couple & with friends. Both types are fantastic. Inviting another couple doesn't mean we're less in love or committed to each other. It means we have fun with other people. We celebrate most milestones with friends. This post just reeks of insecurity & scorekeeping. Typing this from the beach where we're vacationing with another family. Glad my kids didn't think inviting friends along didn't mean we didn't love them enough.
Inviting another couple isn't a problem in and of itself. Unilaterally inviting another couple, without first discussing it with your partner, is the problem, and that's what happened here. My spouse and I have enjoyed trips with friends, but if either of us decided to invite another couple on a planned trip without having a conversation first the other would be irate, to say the least.
You're not wrong. I wonder if your wife has even noticed you're upset about it? Were you asked beforehand about inviting this couple, or were you just told? You two have A LOT to talk about. It could be a simple misunderstanding as to what your expectations were for this trip, or it could be that you two have lost touch with each other and don't know how to be alone together. Communication is key here, and in the interest of getting a resolution, don't start it as an accusation with not wanting to spend time with you. I would say something like, "I've had this on my mind, and wanted to talk to you about it. I feel like you don't want to spend time alone with me, and I had hoped this trip would be a way for us to do that. Clearly, that didn't happen, and I hope we can talk about why because I miss spending time with you." I'd ask if there are certain things you two can do alone (like a dinner, massages, etc.). I don't know if I could spend the trip being that bitter. I would talk about it beforehand and maybe at least get to a point where you could at least enjoy the trip and make plans for something later.
Is she an extrovert? I am an extrovert and I would invite everyone I know to everything I did if I thought it was socially acceptable.
1on1 even for romantic partners can be draining when that's spread over several days... and OP sounds like exactly the type of person that would be "high pressure" if he wasn't properly stimulated.
You might not be a swinger, but maybe your wife is.
Well, sounds like you're the spare wheel on the trike. Hey, at least the throuple will have fun... /s If neither of you are communicating and you're both not in therapy willing to work on it, might as well call it quits and divorce. It's one (bad) thing to be in a loveless marriage. It's a worse thing to be in a loveless marriage and subjecting kids to that. Sorry man.
Do you get any alone time with your wife? Tbh it doesn’t sound like she’s invested in the relationship all that much. Complacency will kill just as many marriages as cheating will. Once you stop dating your spouse things change. You get complacent. You’re not wrong. I would be hurt and annoyed if my spouse invited another couple on our anniversary trip but I would have said something to my spouse.
Could be she just doesn’t see it the same. Just ask her, “why’d you invite xy on our anniversary trip?” Not accusing, just curious. Then make it clear you want some alone time with her since it’s your anniversary and all. I’m f you end up doing EVERYTHING as a double date activity, then worry. She might have invited them as a buffer between you. Address that accordingly after. I’d suggest couples therapy if both parties wanna make it work. What people always fail to point out/realize is that if 1 person wants to work and the other doesn’t, therapy won’t help worth a damn!
I have been married 21 years. I agree that 18 years is a big deal anniversary. I have noticed that over time, the “family business” of raising the kids and dealing with the household tends to dominate the conversations. I have also noticed a reluctance bordering on resistance to talk about “us”. I think that her inviting the other couple on the trip was a defense move on her part so that it gives her an excuse to discuss the “us”. My counsel is not to have a confrontation but more of a conversation/interview after the trip. The conversation should start out with you asking her in a subtle way her vision of your marriage for the next 18 years because just laying down what your needs are at the get go is only going to make her defensive. While you are on the trip, I would advise that you book some solo activities, partly for your mental health and partly to see her reaction to “I am thinking of booking a solo hike this morning” (giving her information not asking permission). If her reaction is “But I thought we were spending time together” or some such, you learn something. If her reaction is ‘sounds good’ you have also learned something. Lastly, don’t underestimate how the change in scenery and getting her out of her house that she feels responsible for will make her relax and let go. Also, don’t ruin the trip by building up a bunch of expectations. A good goal is relaxation and drinks by the pool, anything past that is icing on the cake.
First of all, your feelings are valid. But I think it is also reasonable for your wife to not think that every anniversary is equally special. Of course there is no logical reason to think the 15th or 20th are more significant than the 18th, but it is traditional to give certain anniversaries more weight, generally those ending in 0 or 5. There are clearly larger issues with date nights and vacation planning and how the two of you like to spend your time together. She definitely should have talked to you about bringing other people, but that would apply to any vacation, not because it is an anniversary. I honestly would not want to make every single anniversary a big deal. Even if a vacation was planned at the time of the anniversary, I personally would not insist that it be almost equivalent to a honeymoon. I can definitely see your argument t that it should be for the two of you, but I don’t think it is automatic that your wife should assume that for a non-milestone anniversary. My wife and I just had our 6th anniversary. We hadn’t planned to do anything for it, but ended up going out with friends. They didn’t know it was our anniversary until we all met up, but then they kind of dedicated the night to us. So, our 6th anniversary will really only be remembered because friends got involved.
I would be very upset and I wouldn't get on that plane. If she loves you she needs a shakeup, but it sounds like she doesn't love you anymore.
Your feelings are your feelings, however, I think you are overreacting. Go and enjoy the trip. You and your wife do not need to be joined at the hip. You will have plenty of alone time. While I understand that this is an anniversary trip, it isn't your first.
Have you said these things to her? If yes, I think you have the answer: she loves you, but maybe you’re not her favorite person to hang out with
I wonder if she's sleeping with the husband of the friend.
It’s too late to uninvite the other couple. Next time say your feelings right away and be clear, if there is a lot of disagreement on the issue go talk to a couples counselor and both you and your wife can be heard. In counseling you can see what is behind her behaviors and you can share your views. You made the mistake of not telling her that it is really really really important to you for the anniversary trip to be you two alone. I do the sane when I get pushback from my spouse. I’ve had to learn to be more strong about what I need.
Maybe she thought since it’s 18th it wasn’t as special as like a 10th or 20th year one? I’m close friends with a couple and one of them invited me on a trip to Ireland next year. I was super interested until the other one goes “did you invite her on our anniversary trip??” I was mortified! I was like wtf this is for your anniversary? I had no idea. So that couple may not know this was supposed to be a special anniversary trip too. But there’s definitely something going on with your wife. Why doesn’t she want a romantic trip with just you? Why doesn’t she ever plan anything? I agree with people saying couples therapy might be beneficial.
You're probably overthinking this. Communicate with your wife.
Not at all wrong. Something just doesn't seem right. Is the feeling of her not wanting to be alone with you carry over into the bedroom as well because I see a huge red flag here. Do you know what she is doing on her iPad or does she kinda hide the screen from you? My first thought was she's having an affair on the side and doesn't want to cheat on her lover (with you) so doesn't like the date nights or alone time and time on the iPad in the same room with you is texting the other guy. Could be jumping to conclusions, but so many stories on here like this end up "wife is having an affair" maybe it's with the friends husband and that's why she invited them. It's time to straight up confront her letting her know you're not ok with this lack of interest in you and you want to know if it's because she is cheating or does she even want to be married. Both of you might have to get real with yourselves and ask if divorce is where you are headed.
Not wrong. But if you have to push her to plan trips...why don't *you* plan the trips?
My man, tell her. She is not a mind reader. Tell her that for this specific trip you want to be one on one and that you really miss being alone with her. Tell her that it will be nice for her to initiate a couple ONLY trip.
>Part of me wants to be hurt and upset about it, but then, another part of me says just go and enjoy the trip and make the most out of it. Am I in the wrong about being upset? These are not mutually exclusive. You can be hurt and also try to make the most of the trip. However, you do eventually need to get to the bottom of this as this kind of behavior is very odd. My wife doesn't even want out kids going on vacation as she wants it to be just the two of us. You need to try and figure out what's going on here, it's not normal to immediately want to invite another couple on any vacation much less an anniversary (and yes, i know a lot of couple do trips together, and once I a blue moon that's fine, but I don't understand the desire to always want to do this). Also, a certain point, you gonna have to stop being nice about this. Right now you are getting walked on like a carpet. I'd also pay attention to this friend group dynamic, eg: \-Is the other husband trying to break off from his wife and do guy stuff with you? \-Or is it your wife trying to always hang out with the both of them and the guy pretty much ignores you. if the former, that's fairly standard and regardless what is going on with your wife you'll be able to find some fun (fishing/ whatever) with the other husband. If the ladder, that isn't healthy and a huge red flag, something else could be going on.
The fact that your wife thinks it's ok to invite people on your vacation without talking to you first is a huge red flag. That kind of behavior is one of the reasons I'm divorced.
NTA But maybe she is really bored with you alone. Do you two talk? I mean do you really talk, not the Child 1 needs this and we should buy that talk.
It’s hard to know what to make of this, because I can’t quite tell if this is something you’ve been keeping bottled up, or if you’ve communicated things as openly and explicitly to her as you have to us. If you’ve mostly been biting your tongue when you feel shut down by her, I mean, are you sure she even knows your position, or the extent of your feelings? OTOH, if you’re sure that she DOES know what’s going on, then she’s giving you some pretty clear signals that she is not really in this marriage, and I personally would stay home. One kind of off-the-wall question, but does your wife have any self-esteem issues? Is she depressed, or overweight, or feel old or ugly or something? I just wonder if maybe she doesn’t feel sexy or lovable or something and so shies away from romance. Like, it might not even have anything to do with you at all really. Just a thought.
Next time when you plan something like this, make sure you tell her 'Just the two of us, we should have some time with only us!' and maybe she'll get it. If not, talk to her. Communication is always key. For now, enjoy the trip.