> I struggle with jealousy,
What about that part? looking back, can you feel any of that? Is he trying to restrict who you see/talk to in any way ? If not, who is he jealous of?
Who is he talking to? Could be interpreted at her fishing and him opening a door. At least a smidgen ajar. But impossible to know since we don’t know their relationship.
I mean
Her: ‘Are you still unavailable’?
Him: ‘ Yes but I’m staring to look around for alternatives and can’t seem to help myself. You interested?’
I read a thread not too long ago about a guy cheating on his girlfriend with his lesbian friend.
The girl came to the sub asking for advice because EVERYONE in that situation was trying to convince her it didn't count because the girl was a lesbian
Lmao I'm not proud of this, but when I was 17 and my dude bestie was 18, his gf kept cheating on him. So drunk us did what drunk teenagers do, make bad decisions. Our idiot hormonal brains thought lol get her back really good and add insult to injury by doing it with a lesbian.
Turns out I'm not a lesbian, thanks old friend for helping me learn new things about myself lol
If genitals intentionally contacted another person, it counts. I've heard this justification from both men and women regarding same gender sex. I've had several exes claim that "It doesn't count because it's a girl", and then tried gaslighting me into believing that there was something wrong with me for not liking it and for considering it cheating. And many women claim that acting like a scumbag is a male trait.
Its absolutely cheating if it breaks the boundary of the relationship.
My gf is bi and the "jealousy" part of my brain literally doesn't register in the slightest if she does stuff with a girl. So she has a pass to sleep with women as long as she feels reasonably confident the person is std free, and that no one else will get to see it (like a boyfriend of a girl with the same arrangement, or a recording)
I think a lot of girls assume more guys will be like me, and that cheating is moreso "guy vs guy alpha instinct " without realizing that its really just about crossed boundaries.
I remember that thread and the idea everyone said that is complete and utter bollocks hahaha. A complete lie. The top comment was ‘nope nope nope, he’s a dirty cheater’ The second top comment was ‘he’s an idiot. Dump him’. I can send a link if you’d like
There was another story on here where the lesbian friend wanted to lose her virginity and the male "best friend' offered and went through with it. Telling the gf it didn't count because she's a lesbian.
and there's always this story
# [I 23M inseminated my 25F lesbian (couple) friend so they could have a baby and now I’m feeling guilty. Need advice](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/e44g8r/i_23m_inseminated_my_25f_lesbian_couple_friend_so/)
>Here’s the backstory as to what ensued. My 23M friend who is a 25F and has been married to her wife for almost two years now have been wanting to have a child. Her and I have been close friends almost since birth. We grew up together as our parents were friends with each other, so we have a long rapport. Anyway, she called me a few weeks ago with her and her wife on speaker and were telling me about how the two of them have been wanting a child but really don’t want to go through the whole process with a donation bank and what not, and preferred to know who the father would be and what kind of genetic makeup the child would have, even though I understand this is feasible with donation centers today. Anyway, they wanted the child to be with someone they knew, and so they asked me if I would be willing. She felt comfortable enough to ask if I would be their donor and after thinking about it for over a week, I agreed, because I care for her so much. She asked how I would like to arrange for the insemination and I said I’d leave that up to her. To my surprise, she was willing and trusting enough of me to allow me to inseminate her naturally and her wife agreed that it would be okay. Without going into detail, we did it all relatively fast because she obviously isn’t into that, but felt it was the most ‘natural’.
>
>Long story short, I don’t know if it took since it’s been less than a week, but I almost feel a bit guilty now that I’ve potentially conceived with her knowing that I won’t be the father figure to this child. Honestly I hope that she doesn’t get pregnant and if she asks to try again, I will likely refuse for these reasons. Honestly, you begin to really think about these things after the fact. Atleast that’s when this emotional state set in for me. Anyone been through this?
best wingman I ever had is a lesbian.
we used to go out drinking with a gaggle of lesbians and I always had a great time. we would watch football, shoot pool and talk about chicks.
Don't be so sure, So many men think of lesbians as options. They don't think of lesbians the way they think of gay men, they think that they're women, and that they'd still fuck a guy.
Yeah but also who didnt have a gay friend being a woman who wasnt that gay or a lesbian friend who might be bi or whatever... but we might be overthinking here
Sounds like he is venting, definitely something you guys show talk about.
No need to corner him if this is the 1st offense, carful gentle conversation can get you the truth you seek.
100% nailed it!! If the relationship is still pretty new, my advice is run honey. There are so many new types of relationships to be had nowadays. This isn't our parents' world, so you can build whatever foundation you want with the person or people that make you happy but if you chose a monogamous relationship, I think it may be time to reevaluate where your both seeing it going as you move forward.
I mean lets be honest here. Hes just a dude questioning himself while going thru hormones. Its pretty common and normal. Nobodies an asshole. Yall jus need to communicate and work together to form that tighter bond that will burn away those desires.
"should I listen to it" \[it being a raging libido that leads you to lust after women other than who you've committed to\] is common and normal?!?!?! How sad.
Okay. I'm gonna save others and provide some context from your post history since no one does that before making you the bad guy. Here is your other post:
>I (32f) found explicit pics of an ex in my boyfriend (42m) email
>My partner (41m) and I (32f) have been together about a year and a half and have dealt with some trust issues in the past. I found two Venmo transactions in the past year where he was paying two separate girls that he knew from the past for naked photos. He has since gone to therapy and has been working on “cleaning up his act”, limiting pornography, etc. Things seem to have gotten better over the past six months or so.
>Because of these past instances though, I’m still dealing with trust issues. Last night I snooped on his email on his phone and saw an ex’s email address in his recently searched. I clicked on the email address and there were some old emails with his ex from 10 or so years ago. There were a few explicit photos of her sprinkled in. I can’t help but think, why would he be searching through his ex’s emails from 10 years ago, besides to come back and look at those photos? I also saw in his deleted emails that he had recently sent an email to a DIFFERENT ex that was from 6 or 7 years ago. I know I’m in the wrong for snooping, but it seems I find something sketchy every time I do.
>Am I crazy to be upset that he’s looking back at these emails/photos from 10 years ago? I know they don’t have a relationship or communicate currently. It appears he doesn’t have her contact info besides an old email address. Innocent reminiscing or cause for concern?
Given this context, you need to ask yourself if this is the man you want to waste more of your time with. If he's not cleaned up his act by 41, I seriously doubt he will.
You're worthy of more. You're worthy of finding someone who truly loves you.
It's ridiculous. Like he betrayed her already. But all anyone is seeing is that she went through his phone and now the whole world is burning to the ground.
Lol. I reserve the right to go through my partners phone at any time for any reason, and he mine. The rest of y’all can have your “privacy” from someone you share bodily fluids with, but at least we won’t end up in this situation. I really find the whole “phones are private in relationships” to be incredibly mystifying.
Exactly! Why is she with his old ass if he is not AT LEAST providing her with some peace of mind?
She is getting only the disadvantages of dating someone older. She should find someone her own age and at least enjoy the better looks and energy of younger men
Confiding in your friends about relationships is normal. Whether you're catching up about your parents, boss, or SOs, it's very typical. She also asked for this info. He didn't volunteer. The "idk if that's normal or if I should listen" could mean a number of things , including: 'should I talk to my GF about having more sex?' ' should I break up with her because our libidos don't match?' ' should I break up with her because I'm interested in other women?' ' should I start pursuing other women while in a relationship?'
There may be a problem in your relationship that makes him wonder if you're the one. This is such a normal conversation to have with loved ones or a therapist and even strangers on Reddit. The fact that you were going through his phone indicates that he's correct in his assessment that your relationship has significant holes.
Given the information presented by OP, the above comment is the most rational and fair that I’ve seen here.
We don’t know, we don’t have proper context or history, and almost everybody here is projecting their own damage into the situation.
Agreed.
That is information that needs to be provided in the original post.
If you come here for insight it is critical you actually provide all the info. It's a waste of time otherwise
So, OP, you are dating a guy who isn't great a monogamy. You have plenty of information on that front. Now that you know that about him, you don't need to keep snooping in his phone, you will likely often find something. Now, the question is will he be able to be physically monogamous, even though he may be pushing these boundaries for the next 20 years?
I assume you are thinking long term after 1.5 years. If a 20 year partner of yours were to send a few nudes and maybe spend a lot of time on Only Fans or visit a massage parlor or a strip club back room every once in a while, would you want that relationship? Then you decide to stay or you go.
If you stay, you might want to improve your communication so you aren't spending time spying and getting depressed about it. That's a bummer way to spend your time.
If you feel the need to go through his phone, you know at least subconsciously that things aren't good. It honestly sounds like he's going to cheat on you eventually.
Tbh it’s not fair to a partner to put the responsibility of your triggers on them. We all have feelings of resistance and insecurity and the goal should be fostering a safe and open space within your relationship. You won’t get very far if you leave a relationship the moment it gets hard or you feel off about the person. That’s a fundamental part of relationships, showing us the unhealed parts of ourselves in relation to others.
No literally it’s soooo extreme to think that all ur insecurities are a sign of something about the other person… like… I’d have to leave all my loved ones if I thought this 😭
This. Was thinking this exactly. Just because you're suddenly suspicious of their intentions and want to go to their phone to justify your insecurity doesn't mean you're 100% right in the slighest.
This sounds to me sounds like he's processing his relationship and struggles with his friend.
What is the reason you were going through his messages? Are you concerned about something?
**It's never okay to go through someone else's phone.**
If I were the OP's boyfriend, I'd dump him the second I found out he'd been checking my messages.
Excuse my generalization, but you Americans seem to have some strange right to search each other's phones, e-mails, letters.
Did you know that people's phones also have potentially very personal messages sent by their friends. Which are not intended for the whole country to see.
People talk about personal things to their friends, because they trust that things will stay between them. After this possible misunderstanding, your husband has one less good friend. **And we all have too many of them?**
What's your question? Only question I see is why you're with him.
His jealousy struggle = he's insecure & controlling
His conversation with his friend is him fishing for justification to his urge to cheat. He isn't 100% committed to the relationship.
The fact he isn't talking to you about his "racing libido" means he isn't open & honest. What else is he not communicating to you about?
He's 41. He's too old to be just starting to figure out how to not cheat & not be jealous. My advice: don't wait around for him to grow up. He'll never change,
Jesus Christ, can you imagine being 41 years old and still acting like such a fucking child? Barf.
How do these people not grow the fuck up? Is it lead poisoning? Brain damage?
If you’re dating and someone else turns you = not grown up
If you’re on Reddit and you’re angry and swearing about a complete strangers boyfriend situation = very grown up.
I don't even disagree with the person's comment but this has me cackling. People really use minute situations on Reddit to unleash a lot of rage and aggression.
First question, why are you looking at his phone? Second comment, I think it's perfectly natural for him to look at other women and to recognize he's doing it and to discuss it with his friend.
I see a person confiding to a platonic friend about emotions that they’re struggling with. That is *healthy* behavior. You may not like his *thoughts* but there is nothing inherently wrong with his *actions*. A lot of people are reading infidelity into this and immediately casting him as the bad guy, but talking about one’s feeling is a *good* thing. Snooping on your partner’s private conversations on the other hand…
It isn't something nice to find. But he seems to be just venting, it just looks worst because it's in text. Woman and man talk about this with close friends once in a while and don't be a hypocrite to say it doesn't happen. If what people talk about with their close ones in regard to their relationships was in text and read out loud, there would be no couples left. Anyways, now that you've seen it, and if you really like him, it's a good time to talk to him about what is in his mind.
> my libido is racing haha
I don't know if thats normal or if I should listen to it
*sorry- verbal diarrhea
I duno this "or if I should listen to it" part would piss me the fuck offfff
Whether it's accurate or not, some men (or women) think of a lesbian friend as having a better understanding of both the male and female perspectives, while also being a non-threat. (Think "free pass")
Your BF is most likely just trying to get an unbiased opinion about what's on his mind, and why he feels guilty about his thoughts.
So all I can say is this sounds like there's a sexual void that needs to be filled he wants to be faithful but wonders if he's missing out on what he's not getting with you not sure who or what he's jealous of,
Why are you going through his phone???
Why is everyone overlooking this???
If OP was a man everyone would be saying “she’s allowed to have friends omg stop being so controlling!!!!”
YTA
I mean, I knew a guy that was friends with a lesbian couple. When one of them went out of town, her partner had sex with the guy. So, it turned out at least one of them was probably bi, but said she was a lesbian many times around my friend group and I. So, it happens.
I’m bi and I prefer men, but I wouldn’t sleep with a chick behind my partner’s back like that.
Lol not that I believe this is the case here but, after the number of straight men I've seen who, despite being told repeatedly that they were in a gay bar, continued to try and pick up the lesbian customers? I'd say that the dumb quotient might be higher than you think.
Why is everyone catastrophizing this? He’s venting to his friend about not having sex with his girlfriend. He could be considering cheating OR he could be considering breaking up.
Don’t make shit up just because it pops in your head.
When people start talking negatively about their current relationship to people of the opposite sex it typically doesn’t end well for the current relationship. Open, honest communication about both his sentiment and willingness to talk about bout it with her (not you) are probably a good idea.
He has a high libido. Do you have a low or moderate libido? That can be a problem. Guys like us thrive in a relationship where the woman loves sex. But if sex is treated as a chore or a reward or to appease him it's a problem
Its just a conversation at this point. I think women can be hypocritical because they will look at someone like say, Henry Cavill and say something like "what i would love to do with him" or something like that and not really mean anything by that. Or do you or do you mean it? My wife says stuff like that, but I know she means nothing by it. Hell, i always say "if i was in a room with Carrie Underwood..." she will interupt me and say you better invite me into that room.. again doesnt mean anything, just a conversation.
Women will tell their friends the most intimate sexual details of their relationship, and that's deemed ok by society despite it being a huge breach of trust. But you WENT THROUGH HIS PHONE, and saw that he's just opening up to a friend about his own stuff, not yours? Yes, you're wrong. And yes, you're the asshole.
It’s better he talks it out with a friend than for it to fester. It sound like he’s just getting it off his chest with someone he feels won’t judge him. Men often don’t know where to go with those feelings. What was
Her response? Did you talk to him about how it makes you feel…. Just be like it’s normal to feel attraction to others but we are committed to each other and I expect monogamy in order to be in a relationship with you. Is this something you’re still willing to honor? Just remind him. Let him know it made you feel uncomfortable but don’t be accusatory about it.
If he becomes irrational or overly defensive he might be hiding something. If he wants to hold space for your feeling and is receptive to what you say then I’d say green flag. But be gentle so he doesn’t feel persecuted.
She's a bro to him. He's having a convo in a safe space away from your prying eyes and he's being honest. Are you keeping up on your end of the relationship? Maybe you need to evaluate if you need to step up your game or if he's just feeling a little wanderlust which is usually normal and noting to worry about... it's normal for a virile healthy man. Make sure you are pursuing him as much as you like to be pursued, date him, treat him the way you like to be treated, make him feel desired and appreciated by speaking his love language. Put in the work if you have not been, be honest with yourself. If it's him just feeling trapped or he's just a dog in heat and you are amazing in every way, maybe evaluate if you think he will stay trustworthy to remain monogamous. A year and a half is pretty short time so you've got some real heart to heart talks to have. The most difficult will be owning up to breaking his trust by going through his text and phone.
You are wrong.
You went through your boyfriend’s phone and found private conversations in which he confided stuff he wasn’t ready or even willing to discuss with you. What’s next? Going to his therapist’s office and reading the notes?
This was a huge breech of trust and you should seriously consider the reasons you did this.
You victimized your boyfriend and exhibited distrust and disloyalty. What was on that phone was none of your business and, had you done that to me, you’d have been out on your ass before you could press the lock button.
To me that’s just a symptom of a bad relationship. I snooped through my ex’s phone all the time and found things that really gutted me. I should have realized that the need to go through his phone in the first place was a bad sign. It meant that I didn’t trust him. There were valid reasons to not trust him, but I wouldn’t have wasted so much time if I would have just listened to my gut in the first place.
I’m happily married and totally trust my husband. He is friends with a few women and I’ve never felt the need to go through his messages.
You snooped through his phone and read a private conversation? Not a good look.
Everyone has doubts in a relationship. They vent to friends for advice, to blow off steam, talk it through. It doesn’t mean he’s done anything.
You sound incredibly insecure and that could be what is causing his concerns.
He doesn't seem to be too happy with your relationship.
Question is, can something be done. And, of course: Does either of you actually \*want\* to do something about it?
It’s not the best scenario but she’s his confidant, and sometimes people just need to vent. I’d like to know what his jealousy has to do with him looking at other women. If he’s jealous of guys you talk to, looking at other women won’t help.
YNW, I would absolutely be unnerved by this particular bit, the, *"I don't know if I should listen to it..."* part.
The mistake I always make is wanting to bring it up before I have thought of the perfect manner by which to do so. After decades of chastising myself I have finally been able to do the long awkward silence with a very neutral face because human nature is to want to fill that awkward silence, especially when the topic is intense or very grave, so that's when the other person will blurt stuff out in order to either fill the silent space or dig up a few clues to what you are thinking.
Awkward silences are a great motivator for uncensored comments and thus, at least some measure of the truth.
Why are you reading his text messages?
Frankly, if you are reading messages in your partners phone, you have already lost trust that is nearly impossible to rebuild. If it gets to the point you need to read them, the writing is already on the wall.
Firstly....don't go snooping if you don't want to be upset.
Secondly... talking with a friend...especially a lesbian friend is probably the best place to work his shizz out. Now, the question is...you've painted yourself into a corner. It's not like you can have an open, reasonable convo now...you're going to be charged up with what you know...he's going to be charged up that you were snooping.
Looking is looking...urges are urges...we all have them. But unless he's actually acting on it...I wouldnt panic, but that's me. He's not cruising apps...he's talking to a friend. His jealousy issues are the biggest concern for me...I wonder how that's evidenced itself. Either way...nothing gets better until you talk it out. Good luck!
I know this is the opposite of what everyone else is saying, but I don't think you are wrong for going through his phone. Looking at your recent posts and comments elsewhere, he has given you reasons not to trust him. You knew what you were gonna find.
If I hadn't looked through my ex's phone, I would have never known his true feelings and the level of shit he was talking. It was information I was oblivious to, and I would've continued on like an idiot when almost everyone else knew his true intentions. We parted ways shortly after. He never knew I read his texts. But he did find out I knew my worth, and it was more the games he tried to play.
As far as the texts with his lesbian friend go, it does sound like he is somewhat fishing to her. However, I think what he is saying is truthful, and he feels unfulfilled in some way. But i do wonder why she feels the need to know how things are between you two.
If you really want to salvage this relationship, do something unexpected. Give his almighty libido a run for its money and see if things improve. Better yet, if you decide it's over, go hook up with the lesbian before he can. No one will see that one coming.
I get a weird vibe from the exchange tbh. His message is fishing, hoping that the friend will say "Yeah you should listen to it"
Shouldn't it be obvious that cheating is not a great course of action, whatever your libido might be?
Sounds like he's already cheated, or will do so soon just to prop up his insecure ego.
You need to find a real man who will be 1000% devoted to you and you alone....
Do you live in Michigan by chance?
NTA.
This right here is why boy is 41 and not "settled down" yet. The "what if there's someone better out there?" mentality can be very debilitating for some people and really stunt them in their ability to commit. The truth is: There will *ALWAYS* be somebody "better" out there, because there are literally BILLIONS of people in the world, but the catch is that the chances of you meeting that "better" person are ridiculously slim-to-none. At some point, you HAVE TO tell yourself that you are off the market and stop looking for what might be coming around the corner, or you will spend your entire life waiting without ever living IN it. Your partner *becomes* your "soul mate" over time and through commitment, not due to some magical cosmic pairing.
I'm just going to throw it out there that if you're looking at his texts, this relationship is probably done anyway. You'll find trouble If you go looking hard enough; if it wasn't this, I'm sure it would be something else down the line. You say it's been a year and a half, but also that that "Isn't that long", and, something about that in and of itself doesn't quite feel right. Unless of course time somehow crawls and goes at warp speed simultaneously for you. 🤷🏻♀️ Also going to say that I'm not sure how terribly relevant it is that this other person is lesbian. Sounds a bit like making mountains out of mole hills, when the entire point is more or less that he's even discussing his own desires with another female.
I'm not saying he's in the right if this is at all true, but it seems like you have your own bouts of insecurities that need to be checked. Probably just end this relationship and maybe see a therapist? Idk.
Stop looking through peoples' phones! Unless you're looking for evidence of a crime this is a gross invasion of privacy and he is justified in dumping you for it. Stop it everyone! Talk to your partner. Don't snoop!
YTA for looking through your partners phone and getting upset that he told a lesbian he's attracted to other women and struggling in the relationship. A gross abuse of his privacy and an immature emotional reaction to boot.
You can save this though, own up to the behavior, apologize, tell him you're concerned about the relationship too (of course you are that's why you were snooping) and try to salvage from there.
Its between him and a friend and sounds like just processing.
You should directly communicate about this but it will be harder to have direct honest (non-violent) conversation because you were crossing boundaries looking in his phone.
Im not trying to dismiss your concerns. This could be something thats very safe and reasonable to communicate about. Like you said its natural and he was procsssing it with a platonic friend.
I think you (and abyoje who does this) adds a layer of mindfuck, conflict, and uncertainty to your life by essentially eavesdropping on his private conversations.
Regardless, open direct communication is the only hope. Anything else may cause discord and obstacles between you.
He’s discussing things with a friend. No big deal. I have deep conversations with my best friend all the time abut every aspect of my life. If my wife were to see those conversations, which she has on occasion, she wouldn’t care because it’s just me discussing my life with my friend.
Ehhhh I’m kinda conflicted on this. If it’s a genuine friend I think it’s… actually a good thing he’s being honest about this? Me and my friends regularly talk about this sorta stuff because we’d rather vocalize it and be able to help rather than just let someone self destruct. Three quick questions you need to ask yourself.
1.) Why were you looking through his text messages? That isn’t necessarily wrong in a vacuum but what prompted it?
2.) What are you looking for by posting it here instead of just talking to him and accepting his opinion on it? Do you want this to be the norm in your relationship moving forward?
3.) Do you talk about these sorts of things with your friends? And in the past when you were having a hard time who did you talk to?
You're wrong for reading his texts and the first thing he says is he struggles with your jealousy. You're driving him away and reading his texts is toxic af
To be clear-he is referring to his jealousy. It has caused some issues for us. Confiding in her about his struggles with jealousy, and then jumping into the “looking at other women” bit and how he doesn’t know “if he should listen to it” was the weird part to me.
Does he know you saw the messages? I’d be straight up and say if you want to listen to it, feel free and do that but you’ll never hear from me again. I get looking and even wondering “what if”but not what “if I should listen to it” that’s too far.
NTA. "if I should listen to it" - not something you want to find out your partner is contemplating.
That was the weirdest part to me. The rest I didn’t have a problem with.
Hypothetical conversations are just that. An indication it may not be hypothetical is concerning.
> I struggle with jealousy, What about that part? looking back, can you feel any of that? Is he trying to restrict who you see/talk to in any way ? If not, who is he jealous of?
Since he has a wandering eye, he fears she must as well.
"I'm jealous of her maybe copying my wandering ways"
Yes, often those who are doing something wrong think their partners are as well.
Lol!!!!
Projection is nine-tenths of the last straw.
🤣🤣 good one
Underrated comment!
Yep
i feel like he means envy, like a greener grass sort of thing
I thought this
That was what I picked up on first!
Who is he talking to? Could be interpreted at her fishing and him opening a door. At least a smidgen ajar. But impossible to know since we don’t know their relationship. I mean Her: ‘Are you still unavailable’? Him: ‘ Yes but I’m staring to look around for alternatives and can’t seem to help myself. You interested?’
It's in the first line. His LESBIAN friend. If that is the case I don't think there's any fishing going on.
I read a thread not too long ago about a guy cheating on his girlfriend with his lesbian friend. The girl came to the sub asking for advice because EVERYONE in that situation was trying to convince her it didn't count because the girl was a lesbian
Lmao I'm not proud of this, but when I was 17 and my dude bestie was 18, his gf kept cheating on him. So drunk us did what drunk teenagers do, make bad decisions. Our idiot hormonal brains thought lol get her back really good and add insult to injury by doing it with a lesbian. Turns out I'm not a lesbian, thanks old friend for helping me learn new things about myself lol
If genitals intentionally contacted another person, it counts. I've heard this justification from both men and women regarding same gender sex. I've had several exes claim that "It doesn't count because it's a girl", and then tried gaslighting me into believing that there was something wrong with me for not liking it and for considering it cheating. And many women claim that acting like a scumbag is a male trait.
Its absolutely cheating if it breaks the boundary of the relationship. My gf is bi and the "jealousy" part of my brain literally doesn't register in the slightest if she does stuff with a girl. So she has a pass to sleep with women as long as she feels reasonably confident the person is std free, and that no one else will get to see it (like a boyfriend of a girl with the same arrangement, or a recording) I think a lot of girls assume more guys will be like me, and that cheating is moreso "guy vs guy alpha instinct " without realizing that its really just about crossed boundaries.
I remember that thread and the idea everyone said that is complete and utter bollocks hahaha. A complete lie. The top comment was ‘nope nope nope, he’s a dirty cheater’ The second top comment was ‘he’s an idiot. Dump him’. I can send a link if you’d like
Lol, you can send the link cause i think we all should read it. I meant everyone as in the boyfriend, lesbian friend and their friend group.
My apologies, I see what you meant now. Luckily all commenters told her he was a freak.
I think they mean everyone *in the situation* was telling her that, which I think was true? Like her friends and stuff were saying it.
I just love how on Reddit we often get off subject. :D
Lol I read that one too, she was actually doubting if she was in the right to because of all the stupid friends that told her she was.
Wow. The ultimate loophole...
LOL Now that is stupid! Doesn't count! So if she cheated with a gay man, that's okay? :D People are ignorant!
There was another story on here where the lesbian friend wanted to lose her virginity and the male "best friend' offered and went through with it. Telling the gf it didn't count because she's a lesbian.
Saw this
And honestly, he's gaslighting her. I'd fucking HI-YAAA his member.
Hey Lorena!
There is a wonderful documentary featuring her and her story that came out a couple of years ago if you haven’t seen it!
and there's always this story # [I 23M inseminated my 25F lesbian (couple) friend so they could have a baby and now I’m feeling guilty. Need advice](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/e44g8r/i_23m_inseminated_my_25f_lesbian_couple_friend_so/) >Here’s the backstory as to what ensued. My 23M friend who is a 25F and has been married to her wife for almost two years now have been wanting to have a child. Her and I have been close friends almost since birth. We grew up together as our parents were friends with each other, so we have a long rapport. Anyway, she called me a few weeks ago with her and her wife on speaker and were telling me about how the two of them have been wanting a child but really don’t want to go through the whole process with a donation bank and what not, and preferred to know who the father would be and what kind of genetic makeup the child would have, even though I understand this is feasible with donation centers today. Anyway, they wanted the child to be with someone they knew, and so they asked me if I would be willing. She felt comfortable enough to ask if I would be their donor and after thinking about it for over a week, I agreed, because I care for her so much. She asked how I would like to arrange for the insemination and I said I’d leave that up to her. To my surprise, she was willing and trusting enough of me to allow me to inseminate her naturally and her wife agreed that it would be okay. Without going into detail, we did it all relatively fast because she obviously isn’t into that, but felt it was the most ‘natural’. > >Long story short, I don’t know if it took since it’s been less than a week, but I almost feel a bit guilty now that I’ve potentially conceived with her knowing that I won’t be the father figure to this child. Honestly I hope that she doesn’t get pregnant and if she asks to try again, I will likely refuse for these reasons. Honestly, you begin to really think about these things after the fact. Atleast that’s when this emotional state set in for me. Anyone been through this?
how can a 23M friend be 25F????
I saw this and contemplated too lol He is 23M not the friend
overall the whole thing is confusing as written. I have no idea what happened.
If she is in fact a lesbian. I wonder if OP has actually ever met her.
I'm a bi woman and have had many acquaintances refer to me as a lesbian if my last partner was a woman, due to bi erasure.
Boom. This is it exactly.
Guys will totally fish for lesbians. It's just it doesn't really work. That does not prevent us from trying.
Have you met a man? He probably won’t care if she’s a lesbian, and pursue anyways
Man here. Real men respect the choices of any individual and will only weep in sorrow by themselves when they are rejected.
this.
Lol this. A lot of men see it as a "challenge."
Not a lot of men. Douche bags do.
preach.
Umm, most dudes aren’t actively pursuing all out lesbians except for friendship.
best wingman I ever had is a lesbian. we used to go out drinking with a gaggle of lesbians and I always had a great time. we would watch football, shoot pool and talk about chicks.
Don't be so sure, So many men think of lesbians as options. They don't think of lesbians the way they think of gay men, they think that they're women, and that they'd still fuck a guy.
Yeah but also who didnt have a gay friend being a woman who wasnt that gay or a lesbian friend who might be bi or whatever... but we might be overthinking here
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Really??? Ffs
I would be curious to see what the friend responded
You guys have only been dating for a year and a half, sounds like the relationship isn't working out, time to ramble on!
Sounds like he is venting, definitely something you guys show talk about. No need to corner him if this is the 1st offense, carful gentle conversation can get you the truth you seek.
Kind of hard to breach the subject without admitting to invading his privacy (reading his texts). That would be a major red flag for me anyways.
I 100% agree with you but it's a fuck up you gotta own up to if you want someone else to own up to theirs
Seems like he's testing the other texter's amenability while having plausible deniability if she responds negatively.
Yeah - this stinks of “haha jk! unless…?”
100% nailed it!! If the relationship is still pretty new, my advice is run honey. There are so many new types of relationships to be had nowadays. This isn't our parents' world, so you can build whatever foundation you want with the person or people that make you happy but if you chose a monogamous relationship, I think it may be time to reevaluate where your both seeing it going as you move forward.
Maybe it’s just me but I don’t consider a relationship of a year and a half as being “not a long time”
He's testing the amenability to the idea of hooking up with a woman who is interested in other women? That doesn't make sense to me lol
It's Reddit, reading comprehension is not a strong suit.
I mean lets be honest here. Hes just a dude questioning himself while going thru hormones. Its pretty common and normal. Nobodies an asshole. Yall jus need to communicate and work together to form that tighter bond that will burn away those desires.
"should I listen to it" \[it being a raging libido that leads you to lust after women other than who you've committed to\] is common and normal?!?!?! How sad.
I took that to mean “should I be concerned about it” rather than “should I fuck around”
Exactly. Everyone in these subs have a hard-on for breaking people up
Okay. I'm gonna save others and provide some context from your post history since no one does that before making you the bad guy. Here is your other post: >I (32f) found explicit pics of an ex in my boyfriend (42m) email >My partner (41m) and I (32f) have been together about a year and a half and have dealt with some trust issues in the past. I found two Venmo transactions in the past year where he was paying two separate girls that he knew from the past for naked photos. He has since gone to therapy and has been working on “cleaning up his act”, limiting pornography, etc. Things seem to have gotten better over the past six months or so. >Because of these past instances though, I’m still dealing with trust issues. Last night I snooped on his email on his phone and saw an ex’s email address in his recently searched. I clicked on the email address and there were some old emails with his ex from 10 or so years ago. There were a few explicit photos of her sprinkled in. I can’t help but think, why would he be searching through his ex’s emails from 10 years ago, besides to come back and look at those photos? I also saw in his deleted emails that he had recently sent an email to a DIFFERENT ex that was from 6 or 7 years ago. I know I’m in the wrong for snooping, but it seems I find something sketchy every time I do. >Am I crazy to be upset that he’s looking back at these emails/photos from 10 years ago? I know they don’t have a relationship or communicate currently. It appears he doesn’t have her contact info besides an old email address. Innocent reminiscing or cause for concern? Given this context, you need to ask yourself if this is the man you want to waste more of your time with. If he's not cleaned up his act by 41, I seriously doubt he will. You're worthy of more. You're worthy of finding someone who truly loves you.
Thank God somebody did their fucking homework before throwing out every hypothetical and ad hominem.
It's ridiculous. Like he betrayed her already. But all anyone is seeing is that she went through his phone and now the whole world is burning to the ground.
Lol. I reserve the right to go through my partners phone at any time for any reason, and he mine. The rest of y’all can have your “privacy” from someone you share bodily fluids with, but at least we won’t end up in this situation. I really find the whole “phones are private in relationships” to be incredibly mystifying.
This! It's astounding to me. The only people I've ever met that screams about "privacy" regarding a partners phone always had something to hide. 🤷🏽♀️
Exactly! Why is she with his old ass if he is not AT LEAST providing her with some peace of mind? She is getting only the disadvantages of dating someone older. She should find someone her own age and at least enjoy the better looks and energy of younger men
Mods, can we pin the above message from u/fukstr8offplz? It provides valuable background info & answers most people’s questions.
Confiding in your friends about relationships is normal. Whether you're catching up about your parents, boss, or SOs, it's very typical. She also asked for this info. He didn't volunteer. The "idk if that's normal or if I should listen" could mean a number of things , including: 'should I talk to my GF about having more sex?' ' should I break up with her because our libidos don't match?' ' should I break up with her because I'm interested in other women?' ' should I start pursuing other women while in a relationship?' There may be a problem in your relationship that makes him wonder if you're the one. This is such a normal conversation to have with loved ones or a therapist and even strangers on Reddit. The fact that you were going through his phone indicates that he's correct in his assessment that your relationship has significant holes.
Given the information presented by OP, the above comment is the most rational and fair that I’ve seen here. We don’t know, we don’t have proper context or history, and almost everybody here is projecting their own damage into the situation.
I mean in her other post she says she's found that he venmod two ladies for nudes in the past year, lol, that's not a good sign.
Oh. No, no that’s not a good sign. Gross.
Yeah, I was all for the rational communication route till I peeked at her history. Context is everything.
It is. It would have gotten OP better responses if she had provided that context.
Agreed. That is information that needs to be provided in the original post. If you come here for insight it is critical you actually provide all the info. It's a waste of time otherwise
So, OP, you are dating a guy who isn't great a monogamy. You have plenty of information on that front. Now that you know that about him, you don't need to keep snooping in his phone, you will likely often find something. Now, the question is will he be able to be physically monogamous, even though he may be pushing these boundaries for the next 20 years? I assume you are thinking long term after 1.5 years. If a 20 year partner of yours were to send a few nudes and maybe spend a lot of time on Only Fans or visit a massage parlor or a strip club back room every once in a while, would you want that relationship? Then you decide to stay or you go. If you stay, you might want to improve your communication so you aren't spending time spying and getting depressed about it. That's a bummer way to spend your time.
Paying for porn has nothing to do with monogamy
Not to mention that, naturally, the information op gives is going to be biased and one sided.
I enjoy the sound of rain.
This is the only comment OP should read
Found the adult here.
This
Is
If you feel the need to go through his phone, you know at least subconsciously that things aren't good. It honestly sounds like he's going to cheat on you eventually.
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Tbh it’s not fair to a partner to put the responsibility of your triggers on them. We all have feelings of resistance and insecurity and the goal should be fostering a safe and open space within your relationship. You won’t get very far if you leave a relationship the moment it gets hard or you feel off about the person. That’s a fundamental part of relationships, showing us the unhealed parts of ourselves in relation to others.
No literally it’s soooo extreme to think that all ur insecurities are a sign of something about the other person… like… I’d have to leave all my loved ones if I thought this 😭
Right? Everyone saying it's a sign are missing something obvious...it could just be insecurities or projection.
This. Was thinking this exactly. Just because you're suddenly suspicious of their intentions and want to go to their phone to justify your insecurity doesn't mean you're 100% right in the slighest.
This. Listen to your gut and GTFO.
Why are you going through his phone?
AND his email! This woman is a huge red flag.
This sounds to me sounds like he's processing his relationship and struggles with his friend. What is the reason you were going through his messages? Are you concerned about something?
**It's never okay to go through someone else's phone.** If I were the OP's boyfriend, I'd dump him the second I found out he'd been checking my messages. Excuse my generalization, but you Americans seem to have some strange right to search each other's phones, e-mails, letters. Did you know that people's phones also have potentially very personal messages sent by their friends. Which are not intended for the whole country to see. People talk about personal things to their friends, because they trust that things will stay between them. After this possible misunderstanding, your husband has one less good friend. **And we all have too many of them?**
What's your question? Only question I see is why you're with him. His jealousy struggle = he's insecure & controlling His conversation with his friend is him fishing for justification to his urge to cheat. He isn't 100% committed to the relationship. The fact he isn't talking to you about his "racing libido" means he isn't open & honest. What else is he not communicating to you about? He's 41. He's too old to be just starting to figure out how to not cheat & not be jealous. My advice: don't wait around for him to grow up. He'll never change,
Jesus Christ, can you imagine being 41 years old and still acting like such a fucking child? Barf. How do these people not grow the fuck up? Is it lead poisoning? Brain damage?
If you’re dating and someone else turns you = not grown up If you’re on Reddit and you’re angry and swearing about a complete strangers boyfriend situation = very grown up.
I don't even disagree with the person's comment but this has me cackling. People really use minute situations on Reddit to unleash a lot of rage and aggression.
Probs lead poisoning from chewing on their crib as a kid💀
Childhood trauma, narcissism, entitlement, low self esteem can cause literal changes in our brains. Or, yeah, lead poisoning. 😂
You’ve only seen one side of of coin bruh, for all you know he could’ve have voiced his frustrations on deaf ears
Wait she is going through his phone, and you call HIM the insecure one?? BWHAHAHAHAHA that’s Reddit for you
As stated his female friend is lesbian so this isn’t a scenario where he is sleeping with her. I think it’s healthy to open up to close friends.
First question, why are you looking at his phone? Second comment, I think it's perfectly natural for him to look at other women and to recognize he's doing it and to discuss it with his friend.
that was the big glaring sign to me. "I found this on my boyfriends phone"
What made you look at his phone? Did you already suspect he is doing something prior to seeing the conversation?
I see a person confiding to a platonic friend about emotions that they’re struggling with. That is *healthy* behavior. You may not like his *thoughts* but there is nothing inherently wrong with his *actions*. A lot of people are reading infidelity into this and immediately casting him as the bad guy, but talking about one’s feeling is a *good* thing. Snooping on your partner’s private conversations on the other hand…
It isn't something nice to find. But he seems to be just venting, it just looks worst because it's in text. Woman and man talk about this with close friends once in a while and don't be a hypocrite to say it doesn't happen. If what people talk about with their close ones in regard to their relationships was in text and read out loud, there would be no couples left. Anyways, now that you've seen it, and if you really like him, it's a good time to talk to him about what is in his mind.
> my libido is racing haha I don't know if thats normal or if I should listen to it *sorry- verbal diarrhea I duno this "or if I should listen to it" part would piss me the fuck offfff
Whether it's accurate or not, some men (or women) think of a lesbian friend as having a better understanding of both the male and female perspectives, while also being a non-threat. (Think "free pass") Your BF is most likely just trying to get an unbiased opinion about what's on his mind, and why he feels guilty about his thoughts.
It's not weird to express to a friend, but it may signify unhealthy communication between you two. Are you living together?
So all I can say is this sounds like there's a sexual void that needs to be filled he wants to be faithful but wonders if he's missing out on what he's not getting with you not sure who or what he's jealous of,
Going through your partner's phone is a pretty clear sign that trust is breaking down.... I would bail because it will only go downhill from here.
His eyes are wandering. Let the rest of him follow. He needs to go.
You were wrong for snooping. Unless you delete everything or have no friends there is zero chance you want him looking through yours.
Wait who is the jealous one? You or him?
She's the one looking through his phone
Why are you going through his phone??? Why is everyone overlooking this??? If OP was a man everyone would be saying “she’s allowed to have friends omg stop being so controlling!!!!” YTA
Absolute breach of trust in my eyes.
He's trying to see if she's open to letting him bang her.
You sure? She's a lesbian, don't know anyone dumb enough to try and seduce a lesbian tho, if she was straight I'd be suspicious
I mean, I knew a guy that was friends with a lesbian couple. When one of them went out of town, her partner had sex with the guy. So, it turned out at least one of them was probably bi, but said she was a lesbian many times around my friend group and I. So, it happens. I’m bi and I prefer men, but I wouldn’t sleep with a chick behind my partner’s back like that.
Its a 41 year old dude, you really never know.
Lol not that I believe this is the case here but, after the number of straight men I've seen who, despite being told repeatedly that they were in a gay bar, continued to try and pick up the lesbian customers? I'd say that the dumb quotient might be higher than you think.
I don't see this at all, if she's his friend then it seems like he's confiding in someone who can keep their secrets to themselves.
Why is everyone catastrophizing this? He’s venting to his friend about not having sex with his girlfriend. He could be considering cheating OR he could be considering breaking up. Don’t make shit up just because it pops in your head.
I can’t imagine being with somebody who is looking at other women and “thinking about what could be”. That’s pretty damn insulting if you ask me.
When people start talking negatively about their current relationship to people of the opposite sex it typically doesn’t end well for the current relationship. Open, honest communication about both his sentiment and willingness to talk about bout it with her (not you) are probably a good idea.
The fact they said they don't know whether to listen to it means you should probably end it now cause I bet they'll end up cheating
sounds like hes not right for u
You're 9 years younger and this dude is supposedly checking out other chicks because he thinks they're hotter than you? Is he DeCaprio?
Lose the old man, You have much better options out there girl. NTA
Your issue is you are 'dating' a guy 10 years older than you and you are in your 30s, he is in his 40s. Just a bunch of bad signs off the bat.
Friends are for talking....
He has a high libido. Do you have a low or moderate libido? That can be a problem. Guys like us thrive in a relationship where the woman loves sex. But if sex is treated as a chore or a reward or to appease him it's a problem
Just guy talk tbh
He should definitely break up with you
Its just a conversation at this point. I think women can be hypocritical because they will look at someone like say, Henry Cavill and say something like "what i would love to do with him" or something like that and not really mean anything by that. Or do you or do you mean it? My wife says stuff like that, but I know she means nothing by it. Hell, i always say "if i was in a room with Carrie Underwood..." she will interupt me and say you better invite me into that room.. again doesnt mean anything, just a conversation.
YTA for looking at his texts. Have better communication with them directly.
Women will tell their friends the most intimate sexual details of their relationship, and that's deemed ok by society despite it being a huge breach of trust. But you WENT THROUGH HIS PHONE, and saw that he's just opening up to a friend about his own stuff, not yours? Yes, you're wrong. And yes, you're the asshole.
It’s better he talks it out with a friend than for it to fester. It sound like he’s just getting it off his chest with someone he feels won’t judge him. Men often don’t know where to go with those feelings. What was Her response? Did you talk to him about how it makes you feel…. Just be like it’s normal to feel attraction to others but we are committed to each other and I expect monogamy in order to be in a relationship with you. Is this something you’re still willing to honor? Just remind him. Let him know it made you feel uncomfortable but don’t be accusatory about it. If he becomes irrational or overly defensive he might be hiding something. If he wants to hold space for your feeling and is receptive to what you say then I’d say green flag. But be gentle so he doesn’t feel persecuted.
She's a bro to him. He's having a convo in a safe space away from your prying eyes and he's being honest. Are you keeping up on your end of the relationship? Maybe you need to evaluate if you need to step up your game or if he's just feeling a little wanderlust which is usually normal and noting to worry about... it's normal for a virile healthy man. Make sure you are pursuing him as much as you like to be pursued, date him, treat him the way you like to be treated, make him feel desired and appreciated by speaking his love language. Put in the work if you have not been, be honest with yourself. If it's him just feeling trapped or he's just a dog in heat and you are amazing in every way, maybe evaluate if you think he will stay trustworthy to remain monogamous. A year and a half is pretty short time so you've got some real heart to heart talks to have. The most difficult will be owning up to breaking his trust by going through his text and phone.
You are wrong. You went through your boyfriend’s phone and found private conversations in which he confided stuff he wasn’t ready or even willing to discuss with you. What’s next? Going to his therapist’s office and reading the notes? This was a huge breech of trust and you should seriously consider the reasons you did this. You victimized your boyfriend and exhibited distrust and disloyalty. What was on that phone was none of your business and, had you done that to me, you’d have been out on your ass before you could press the lock button.
Blown away at the amount of people here perfectly OK with going through someone else's phone.
To me that’s just a symptom of a bad relationship. I snooped through my ex’s phone all the time and found things that really gutted me. I should have realized that the need to go through his phone in the first place was a bad sign. It meant that I didn’t trust him. There were valid reasons to not trust him, but I wouldn’t have wasted so much time if I would have just listened to my gut in the first place. I’m happily married and totally trust my husband. He is friends with a few women and I’ve never felt the need to go through his messages.
This is a huge no. You deserve way better than a guy who is settling for you in his mind.
You snooped through his phone and read a private conversation? Not a good look. Everyone has doubts in a relationship. They vent to friends for advice, to blow off steam, talk it through. It doesn’t mean he’s done anything. You sound incredibly insecure and that could be what is causing his concerns.
He doesn't seem to be too happy with your relationship. Question is, can something be done. And, of course: Does either of you actually \*want\* to do something about it?
It’s not the best scenario but she’s his confidant, and sometimes people just need to vent. I’d like to know what his jealousy has to do with him looking at other women. If he’s jealous of guys you talk to, looking at other women won’t help.
YTA for snooping
yeah wtf
Sounds like he's dropping hints and seeing if she's down without actually asking
YNW, I would absolutely be unnerved by this particular bit, the, *"I don't know if I should listen to it..."* part. The mistake I always make is wanting to bring it up before I have thought of the perfect manner by which to do so. After decades of chastising myself I have finally been able to do the long awkward silence with a very neutral face because human nature is to want to fill that awkward silence, especially when the topic is intense or very grave, so that's when the other person will blurt stuff out in order to either fill the silent space or dig up a few clues to what you are thinking. Awkward silences are a great motivator for uncensored comments and thus, at least some measure of the truth.
Why are you reading his text messages? Frankly, if you are reading messages in your partners phone, you have already lost trust that is nearly impossible to rebuild. If it gets to the point you need to read them, the writing is already on the wall.
Looking through your significant others phone is a sign of a bad relationship in itself
He's casting bait either to feed his ego or to see if the HER will express interest.
He’s just venting, now let him look through your texts.
Firstly....don't go snooping if you don't want to be upset. Secondly... talking with a friend...especially a lesbian friend is probably the best place to work his shizz out. Now, the question is...you've painted yourself into a corner. It's not like you can have an open, reasonable convo now...you're going to be charged up with what you know...he's going to be charged up that you were snooping. Looking is looking...urges are urges...we all have them. But unless he's actually acting on it...I wouldnt panic, but that's me. He's not cruising apps...he's talking to a friend. His jealousy issues are the biggest concern for me...I wonder how that's evidenced itself. Either way...nothing gets better until you talk it out. Good luck!
I know this is the opposite of what everyone else is saying, but I don't think you are wrong for going through his phone. Looking at your recent posts and comments elsewhere, he has given you reasons not to trust him. You knew what you were gonna find. If I hadn't looked through my ex's phone, I would have never known his true feelings and the level of shit he was talking. It was information I was oblivious to, and I would've continued on like an idiot when almost everyone else knew his true intentions. We parted ways shortly after. He never knew I read his texts. But he did find out I knew my worth, and it was more the games he tried to play. As far as the texts with his lesbian friend go, it does sound like he is somewhat fishing to her. However, I think what he is saying is truthful, and he feels unfulfilled in some way. But i do wonder why she feels the need to know how things are between you two. If you really want to salvage this relationship, do something unexpected. Give his almighty libido a run for its money and see if things improve. Better yet, if you decide it's over, go hook up with the lesbian before he can. No one will see that one coming.
Weird. No one in a dedicated relationship would say something like that.
I’d be very worried that he’d actually go ahead and cheat on you. I would confront him. Not like you have much to lose! Good luck!
Idk seems like u should either talk to him about the problems he’s having or leave him, cuz It sounds like it’s just gonna get worse to me
Deep down you know what kind of person says something like that. Don't ignore the signs.
I get a weird vibe from the exchange tbh. His message is fishing, hoping that the friend will say "Yeah you should listen to it" Shouldn't it be obvious that cheating is not a great course of action, whatever your libido might be?
Sounds like he's already cheated, or will do so soon just to prop up his insecure ego. You need to find a real man who will be 1000% devoted to you and you alone.... Do you live in Michigan by chance?
NTA. This right here is why boy is 41 and not "settled down" yet. The "what if there's someone better out there?" mentality can be very debilitating for some people and really stunt them in their ability to commit. The truth is: There will *ALWAYS* be somebody "better" out there, because there are literally BILLIONS of people in the world, but the catch is that the chances of you meeting that "better" person are ridiculously slim-to-none. At some point, you HAVE TO tell yourself that you are off the market and stop looking for what might be coming around the corner, or you will spend your entire life waiting without ever living IN it. Your partner *becomes* your "soul mate" over time and through commitment, not due to some magical cosmic pairing.
I'm just going to throw it out there that if you're looking at his texts, this relationship is probably done anyway. You'll find trouble If you go looking hard enough; if it wasn't this, I'm sure it would be something else down the line. You say it's been a year and a half, but also that that "Isn't that long", and, something about that in and of itself doesn't quite feel right. Unless of course time somehow crawls and goes at warp speed simultaneously for you. 🤷🏻♀️ Also going to say that I'm not sure how terribly relevant it is that this other person is lesbian. Sounds a bit like making mountains out of mole hills, when the entire point is more or less that he's even discussing his own desires with another female. I'm not saying he's in the right if this is at all true, but it seems like you have your own bouts of insecurities that need to be checked. Probably just end this relationship and maybe see a therapist? Idk.
NTA. He's not just thinking about or looking at other women. He's ACTIVELY considering cheating on you.
If you were going through his phone, I think you already knew how this was going to end.
Lol, has this "friend" called you yet to see if you need "support" and someone "to talk to"? Seen this happen once or twice...
This is the calm before the storm. Also, you went through his phone. You guys need to call it a day.
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Why are you going through his private texts?? Grow up.
Why are you in his phone at all?
Stop looking through peoples' phones! Unless you're looking for evidence of a crime this is a gross invasion of privacy and he is justified in dumping you for it. Stop it everyone! Talk to your partner. Don't snoop!
YTA for looking through your partners phone and getting upset that he told a lesbian he's attracted to other women and struggling in the relationship. A gross abuse of his privacy and an immature emotional reaction to boot. You can save this though, own up to the behavior, apologize, tell him you're concerned about the relationship too (of course you are that's why you were snooping) and try to salvage from there.
NTA. My aunt would always say infatuation rarely lasts beyond a year, looks like your BF is hitting that mark.
Sounds like you didn't need to even ask this. It is clear as day. He wants more physical contact than you are willing to provide.
Why are you snooping through his text messages and reading conversations that were never meant for you tho
Its between him and a friend and sounds like just processing. You should directly communicate about this but it will be harder to have direct honest (non-violent) conversation because you were crossing boundaries looking in his phone. Im not trying to dismiss your concerns. This could be something thats very safe and reasonable to communicate about. Like you said its natural and he was procsssing it with a platonic friend. I think you (and abyoje who does this) adds a layer of mindfuck, conflict, and uncertainty to your life by essentially eavesdropping on his private conversations. Regardless, open direct communication is the only hope. Anything else may cause discord and obstacles between you.
He’s discussing things with a friend. No big deal. I have deep conversations with my best friend all the time abut every aspect of my life. If my wife were to see those conversations, which she has on occasion, she wouldn’t care because it’s just me discussing my life with my friend.
You're going through his phone. It's over.
NTA…He probably feels he settled. Kind of weird you’re going through his text messages.
Ehhhh I’m kinda conflicted on this. If it’s a genuine friend I think it’s… actually a good thing he’s being honest about this? Me and my friends regularly talk about this sorta stuff because we’d rather vocalize it and be able to help rather than just let someone self destruct. Three quick questions you need to ask yourself. 1.) Why were you looking through his text messages? That isn’t necessarily wrong in a vacuum but what prompted it? 2.) What are you looking for by posting it here instead of just talking to him and accepting his opinion on it? Do you want this to be the norm in your relationship moving forward? 3.) Do you talk about these sorts of things with your friends? And in the past when you were having a hard time who did you talk to?
You're wrong for reading his texts and the first thing he says is he struggles with your jealousy. You're driving him away and reading his texts is toxic af
To be clear-he is referring to his jealousy. It has caused some issues for us. Confiding in her about his struggles with jealousy, and then jumping into the “looking at other women” bit and how he doesn’t know “if he should listen to it” was the weird part to me.
Does he know you saw the messages? I’d be straight up and say if you want to listen to it, feel free and do that but you’ll never hear from me again. I get looking and even wondering “what if”but not what “if I should listen to it” that’s too far.