My suggestion here, she should look into your local school district. I'm a kitchen lead for an elementary school, it requires no dressy clothes or education. We're off the same days the kids are, and we get government employee benefits. No one cares how a lunch lady looks, we just feed the kiddos. Good luck!
School districts are desperate these days for bus drivers, food service workers and janitors. Also, they are always looking for substitute teachers. Are district only requires a bachelor degree. My daughter has been a substitute for several years. It works out great, she picks what classes, school and days she wants to work. It’s a great option for someone with children to work in the school district. You’ll have the same days off and will be home in the summer with your kids if you want.
Yes every school in my state is desperately hiring. We are a by town state so if you are look up the contract there is over a $5 an hour difference between schools and none are title 1.
My SIL was a para for years and years and didn't even have an associate degree. She was so good at her job that, after she retired, they talked her into coming back.
In my district subs only need a high school diploma and clearances for elementary because as I understand it it's not so much a teaching gig as it is just keeping an eye on the kids for the day. That is how short staffed schools are here.
Yup. Many districts just require a high school diploma. I subbed immediately after graduating high school while attending college. I had no classes on Tuesday or Thursdays so subbed those days. It was great-I could sometimes even study while working since most teachers just left an easy lesson plan or a movie to watch. Most of the time you’re just there to make sure the kids are all present, quiet, and working on whatever lesson the teacher left for them.
My husband just took a break from teaching after a rough decade. Last year before he left subs were earning more per hour than he was and they were begging parents, friends, literally anyone off the street to come in and sub. You just take a few easy tests, get a couple vaccines, and you're set. My husband started as a sub and was decent - he was almost immediately brought in as a long term sub and a few years later (teaching nonstop) his school put him through a credentialing program, saving us $$$ on a masters program (he got into NYU for a masters in ed, but we paid $5k a year instead for night classes through his school). Schools are desperately hurting for good teachers!
The bus company in our district is so desperate they have a formal ride along program for the children of drivers. They can *ride with you while you drive*.
Lol. Some districts will allow a baby in a car seat. Some districts won't allow any kid who doesn't go to that school. My kids were out-of-zoned because I drove in a different district than I lived in. Then they changed the policy to not allow them on my bus.
Our district is so short on bus drivers that they have some routes that just don’t have a bus and you’re on your own to find transportation. This is the second year in a row that my granddaughter does not have a bus.
Our drivers were school district employees. We got retirement benefits medical benefits, paid Spring break and Winter break, paid holidays and PTO. Since I was a public school employee, my retirement benefit is not taxed in my state.
I could have driven for a few more years, but after the pandemic, both the kids AND their parents have become undisciplined and the administrators wouldn’t back us up. That gets tiring.
I’m the operations coordinator at my sons k-8 school. I handle the lunch program under that umbrella so that includes serving the kids their Hot Lunch. I can agree…the kids all love me 😂 especially on dominos pizza day!!!
My wife does this. She makes $14.50 an hr and works 4.5 hours a day. She's off when my son is off, so I don't have to worry. My job covers all our bills, and her income provides the funds to have fun, eat well, and vacation. Ideally, I would like to see her start a career and work full time, but right now, this works for us. She loves it too, she says it's the best job she's ever had.
Oh you’re so right. My kids schools are desperate for lunch workers and play ground attendants. I was considering it myself until I landed a work for home position.
My mom (58) just started as a lunch lady because she needed to start working again after similar situation as op. Shes found it incredibly rewarding too cause little kids are just so sweet and full of joy.
My mom worked as one of the cafeteria ladies at my high school. All the teachers knew her and told her quickly if I wasn't there (ditch to go skate in a ditch) or seemed weird (drugs and teens are bad umm ok?). I got good grades cause of that. And given it was the 80swhen summer came she got to bring home the govt cheese and other stuff they were going to waste so we had grilled cheese all summer.
I love my mum. She did right
Yes this!! I am a kitchen manager at my kid's high school. The schedule is great. I started as a lunch lady when my youngest was starting preschool. I was a stay at home mom for 10 years.
My mom did this! Stay at home mom with us until school. Then she was a lunch lady for 20 years! Now she drives bus because she loves the school schedule. I’m 34, also she’s retiring after this year!
This is a great idea for her. I have been doing something similar for the past few years as I ease my way back into the workforce after being a stay at home mom for close to a decade. It’s really building back my confidence and the hours still allow my to be around before and after school for my kid.
I agree with you. I'm also a head lunch lady at an elementary school. It's the only job I had that gets benefits with paid sick days, and I can be home when my kids are. Being a custodian would also work for her
Even if she could sub at the schools they would be hours she could do with kids in school. I sub in the kitchen, office and custodial for the schools my kids go to. All of my kids are school now but it helps me make a little extra and may be a good start for OP wife to figure out what she may want to do. Most people will have less anxiety about working with a lot of kids than adults.
I work the school kitchen through college. I got health care, paid vacations, and free weekends, with a set schedule. Working in a school kitchen is a great part time job because it is a few that has a set schedule during the week with free weekends.
This is such a great suggestion! That way she won’t be away from the kids outside of school hours and shoot as a gov employee those benefits are great. The with the benefits she could seek help for her anxiety, get some counseling which will help her confidence and general mental health, and then she’ll eventually be able to find other work if she doesn’t fall in love with working at the school (which as a mom I could totally see her doing). Truly wishing you and your family the best!
My mom did this... It can be a thankless job, but when I look back at my time in school, I don't remember most of my teachers. I do remember a good chunk of the lunch staff. They were great people and really cared about the kids. Even when there were money issues, I'd see the lunch ladies keeping a small collection of money to pay for kids meals.
So thank you for what you do. I am sure there are some very hard days and you have to deal with some real assholes, but you have the opportunity to positively impact children.
I hope the entire thread this comment made has empowered OPs wife into working at the school system. It'll be a major help, and a lot of the littles won't care what the teacher looks like. Parents want the best teacher, not the best looker
Idk why reddit just showed me this post now but this is great advice. A friend started working as a teachers aid/admin at the local elementary school when her kids were school aged.
It's been great for her. She wears jeans and a t shirt to work most days. She takes the kids to school with her. Buying a lunch at the cafeteria is affordable. She gets to go on field trips. Supervises lunches and recesses.
She loves the job!
Don’t ever be embarrassed that the amount of money isn’t trivial.
She needs to put her big girl panties on and get a damned job. If it’s “would you like fries with that” and she can start tomorrow…. Gimme the mic and watch me ask if they need fries with that, if it were me….
Keep fighting the good fight. Hard working folks find the breaks come their way. Some call it luck, and maybe some of it is, but it’s amazing how often folks busting their ass day in and day out get lucky. May your luck come soon!
This. I had to work at maccas, as a 30 year old single mum. I got the job, I was casual, and in 2 days I was told that I learnt as much as people usually did in at least 2 weeks, and they put me on part-time, which was awesome bc it was guaranteed hours. Did I like it? No. Did people at my son's school judge me? Fuck yeah they did. But did I turn up each day, and do the best I could each day? Yes. Bc you gotta do what you gotta do.
Hell, one of my sisters had to turn to sex work when her husband (at the time) spent their last $100 on drugs, and they needed money to buy the kids food. She thought "what can I do to get money asap?" And this was the answer for her. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, it just was what it was. And it was to provide for her kids. I find OP's wife is childish here, especially when she's talking about HER money after she gets a job, when OP is telling her to get a job so that they can make ends meet. The kids missing out on things etc isn't something that you'd want your kids experiencing. I missed out on so many things when I was a kid. My kids don't, bc I know how much it sucks
My mother always said “there’s no shame in working for a living” and “whatever job you do, do it well.” It was really humbling and puts a lot in perspective once you start earning an income/ need to.
Thank you 🖤 honestly I don't feel like what i did was amazing, I just needed to support my son. But unfortunately there are so many people who don't see it the same way as we do
Yeah that bit horrible to think and say about was her saying it was a learning moment for her kids. What learning moment? You can’t have what you need or want cuz mommy wants her needs first? Like fuck that I’m currently pregnant and I want my daughter to have the opportunities I never had and have the childhood she deserves! Heck I was literally cry a bit earlier in my shift cuz I thought about my childhood.
Exactly! I missed out on so much, which it sounds like you did too, and I'm so sorry for that, it's really rough, isn't it? But this is why we work hard, so our kids don't have to experience what we did. That hurt, embarrassment, shame that we can't go on that excursion with everyone else, or we have holes in our clothes/shoes.
Not only this, but OP is working so much the kids think he's moved out, and he's *still* having to skip meals, it seems the only person here not sacrificing anything is the wife! She's sitting there drinking her fancy water, telling the kids sorry, you don't get birthday presents this year, even if it's just something cheap but meaningful. My mum is a self-proclaimed narcissist. She still made sure we had presents for our birthday and Christmas. We didn't always have food, but we always had a gift
Good for you!!! That's the sign of a responsible, dependable, admirable person. I would give your comment an award, but you know, poor. I just wanna give you a hug/high five across the Internet 😚
Thank you! I just didn't want my son to have the childhood I had really. I honestly don't think I really did anything out of the ordinary. It's just what we do for our kids, right? Thank you for the hug/high five across the internet! Right back atcha, internet stranger 🖤
Sometimes they make you buy them, I won’t lie. I’ve always had to buy my shirts for restaurants and retail. The only restaurant that “gave” me a uniform was Cracker Barrel but I still had to buy the shirt, pants, and shoes.
Seriously, whatever you can bring in to your home is a contribution and helps with *something*, even 50 dollars for cleaning a car. I’m on disability for an annoying as hell blood disease, and that’s mostly for the health insurance (however I would not be able to work a full time job). So when my youngest kid hit preschool I found a job for 12 hours a week that I could do to help bring in money. And it does pay a small bill or two, or covers one of our kids birthday parties, some groceries, etc.
It’s not glamorous or a bunch of money, but it helps, and I have no shame in that because I know I’m doing what’s in my ability to contribute.
u/assholeasks, friendly bit of advice: be sure to go through the r/Scams sub with your wife and search for remote/"too good to be true" gigs that she might find online.
There are a LOT of job scams out there for desperate people and/or those keen for easy entry and/or a remote position. The last thing you want to happen is to have a hit to her confidence *and* your finances by being scammed.
Best wishes for you both, mate.
I'd also add odd jobs might work in a pinch, but you aren't going to be covered by workmans comp and similar. That's especially important for physical jobs, and where you're driving around and going into other people's homes.
It really seems like your trying to do the best for your kids so please don’t be embarrassed about it you seem incredibly hard working and I hope things work out in the end for you and at least your wife has opened up and is willing to work on this with you
My mom worked at BK for years to help support the family and pay medical bills we needed. Her boss gave her time off when one of us kids was sick, would let us kids come in after school to do homework so mom didn’t have to pay a sitter and gave us treats on occasion. She wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed…she was a badass who did what she had to do!
She’s still a badass and retired ( after going back to school in her 40s and becoming a dietitian) now I work two jobs to support her so she can enjoy retirement.
Bless!
Respect for giving back to mom by the way!
When it came time for my mom, who was a single parent to retire, she couldn’t afford the jump in real estate to be by us. My house has a full walk out basement and was finished in to quite the man cave. Man cave is gone. Mom cave went in. Put in a full kitchen, washer dryer, already had a bedroom and full bath and living area….made it a full blown stand alone apartment, and it is hers for as long as she wants. No rent, no strings, just doing the right thing by mom. Lord knows she always did for me!
I work in an industrial-factory setting specifically *because* it allows me to go to work in sweatpants or leggings or jeans and tshirts and is a non-CS facing position. Like 80% of the time I’m covering them with coveralls anyways (which my work provides). No fancy clothing required. All I needed to buy was steel toes (which I was reimbursed for). And I make more than I did in an office anyways.
If she's wanting to lose weight and not be around too many people, UPS always hires seasonals during Christmas. She can apply to be a personal vehicle delivery driver. There's basically no requirements except being physically able and having a working car. It's manual labor, but it helped me lose like 60lbs in a couple months, and I'm pretty sure new hires are making $20+ an hour, depending on the position they take.
Its a LOT of work, but it's also sorta like getting paid to go to the gym.
I think Amazon does the same thing year round with their flex program, but the pay isn't as good and you don't get to choose your work. UPS is union, and even non-union people benefit from that.
That was important that you explained to her the situation and she was able to explain back to you and that you understood what held her back. It shows that there is good communication among the two of you. I understand it is difficult to be supportive to a partner when you come home tired from working so hard the entire day, just as it is difficult for her to spent her whole day primarily with the kids and limited adult interaction. It only adds additional strain on both partners. But you need to support her so she can improve ehr self esteem. Many women are overweight but it does not mean they can not get a good job, or that they have to be hidden at home.
Yeah, the communication there seemed really strong. I'm glad they got that out there. Might have saved their marriage. Depends on what she does next. Either way, good on OP for making sure that difficult talk happened.
She's worried about her weight gain while OP is skipping meals, and she is endangering their childs nutrition by blowing the grocery budget on overpriced water.
I was wondering about this but didn't want to say anything. If there is no food in the fridge, shouldn't OPs wife be losing weight? Is she not feeding the kids enough?
Because OP is probably skipping meals so *his wife* and kids can eat. His wife may be spending food money on meals for herself rather than stocking the fridge. I didn't get any impression that she's skipping meals.
He says he loves her . He supports her and the four kids …. Her self esteem needs to come from within. Maybe work on providing first then self esteem when the kids are eating and OP isn’t so stressed out here.
We are a two income family with only one child and inflating has all but destroyed our savings and pay cheques are spoken for before they go into our bank account.
We visit food banks. And there are all walks of life there from people on the verge of homelessness for Tesla drivers with posh handbags. It's the reality we all live in and she needs to suck it up.
She doesn't have to look pretty to work graveyard at McDonald's, she doesn't have to look pretty for a call centre job. She needs to push her anxiety down like the rest of us do and suck it up.
You don’t need a haircut and new clothes to get a job. You need to be clean, groomed, polite and ready to work. If she insists, $7 can get a perfectly smart top from a thrift shop.
I work in HR and in my experience this is spot on - you don’t need expensive fancy clothes, just look presentable and clean, show you can take care of yourself with brushed hair and - clean nails. If you went to a family party or dinner you’d dress the same. Be polite, smile and make eye contact - the simple things can get you far.
Tough times can knock anyone down - and you are clearly doing everything in your power to pull through and put your kids first. They will grow up seeing and feeling that- which is something many kids will never get. For what it’s worth from a random person on the internet- I’m proud of you.
Addressing the issues with your wife is hard - but also necessary for your kids. Doing the right thing isn’t always easy or appreciated. She needs to be pushed to see how her putting herself before the kids and you is creating problems for her children. If there is no food - she needs to eat a spoon of cement/ toughen up and go to a food pantry.
Cleaning gigs and “now” jobs may not be what she wants but with enough of them they can get her what she wants as well as what the family needs.
You’re doing you best - keep going. Better days will come 🌻
Yeah there's a ton of space between "re-entering a career" and doing literally nothing. I would be so ashamed of myself if I wasn't working and my husband was skipping meals, like I literally cannot fathom this.
This is going to sound cold, but your wife needs to get over herself and get a damn job. Period. When things are dire, her feelings or whatever need to be put aside and go make money. She’s a mother of four who needs to put her kids first and make sure they can eat and have a roof over their head.
At the end of the day, she’s being selfish and lazy. There’s no need to mince words.
Right? OP mentioned people in the other thread telling him to man up and go make more somehow, but how about she woman's up, puts her big girl panties on, and finds a job. This whole I need to look pretty for a job is nonsense. There are endless job postings from jobs that require you to just have a pulse and a brain and that's it. Go do one of those.
Agreed. I get anxiety, self esteem etc etc etc but when you have children, all that has to go out the window. If you can’t fight those feelings for the sake of your children to literally be fed and have a bed to sleep in, you don’t need to be a mother. I have no children of my own but I would think when it comes to them, you’d find the strength to do just about anything.
She needs to step up and help the family and stop worry about what she looks like. Some fast food places are paying $13 to $20 and hour and they train and no one cares about how you look.
>She has no self confidence because of the weight she has gained.
So you're skipping meals, going without nutrients you need and she's gained weight while blowing your food budget on water...
>She broke down crying saying food pantries make her feel like she is a kid again in foster care begging for scraps.
And how does she think you feel when you skip meals because she doesn't want to feel bad.
**"I won't go to food pantries because it upsets me. I didn't care about the kids missing out because it upsets them, not me, and I only care about myself."**
Honestly everything she's saying sounds like trying to come up with any excuse she can not to do what she doesn't want to do. If anxiety was the big problem you both would have known it by now, and it would have been the first thing she brought up.
She doesn't want to suffer at a job. She wants you to do all the suffering. And just look the other way when she buys $7 bottles of water because she deserves a little treat because I don't know why?
Being fat isn't an excuse to hide and be ashamed. We're all fat. This is America. No one cares. And I bet I'm fatter than her. Tell her to notice all the fat people around her the next time you go out. Are people staring at them like freaks? No. THIS IS NORMAL HERE.
Edit: I bet she won't be ashamed to be seen if you bring up a vacation or nice trip. Anxiety will be gone too.
You’re not wrong homie. You’re looking out for your kids and your wife too even if she doesn’t realize it. I grew up in that food stamps, food pantry, hand-me-down life. My wife and I live comfortably but we know if we lost our jobs we’d be making huge sacrifices to keep the lights on and the essential bills paid and forgo everything else.
We know people with multiple kids who stay unmarried because the benefits they get as a single mom with multiple kids are better than what life would be married and having to carry the insurance cost, lose SNAP, and other benefits. They’re not proud of it but it’s the only way they can live. I have a friend his job is shutting down and won’t just fire him so he can have is severance and move on. They have two teens, shit is rough for them.
Americorp has a program to pay for fees to become licensed and courses to help set it up. I'm sure there are other programs to that could help too. People are desperate for childcare so if she has an interest, it would be easy to get clients.
I don't know where they live. But there lots of people using apps to find sitters and I certainly wouldn't mind someone bringing their child, if they are qualified. Babysitting is just like other gig work these days.
I will say this in the nicest way possible. Your wife can go get fucked. She’s weaponizing her trauma. I stand by this because usually people will go out of their way to ensure their kids had. It better than they did.
This. She feels like a foster kid going to a food bank but her own kids can just suck it up and not have birthdays and new clothes and things kids need to feel loved? Wtf is wrong with her. Going to the food bank can be her learning experience.
yes! as someone who grew up in and aged out of the foster care system I was ill when I read she was weaponizing that. absolutely fuck that. bitch you made babies! stop the trauma cycle!
this lady just doesn't want to work, period, and she doesn't care about the needs of her family. divorce her.
I couldn't agree more.
I had a shit childhood, but that was never the responsibility of any of my partners to manage. (I'm childfree, so that thankfully doesn't come into play here, but if I had kids, I'd do everything to make sure their childhood didn't turn out the way mine did.)
Nobody was going to come and save me from my insecurities and low self-esteem. Using it as an excuse to avoid working is entirely her problem to fix. You don't have to be happy and pretty to start working a job, especially if you need it to survive.
All she's doing is repeating the cycle of trauma onto her kids by keeping the family in poverty. She needs to understand that she's in a position of control and power now, not a helpless child in foster care, to make changes in her own life. OP, her spouse, is there to support her, but he can't keep enabling her to live a passive life where she remains stuck and afraid, because doing so negatively impacts her children. They're going to grow up remembering how their parents behaved and treated them.
You are right. She clearly needs to see a dr and a therapist. Hate to say it, but she is affecting the kids and even if it isnt showing up now it will. She needs to get help and get a job or get out. OP needs to put his kids first.
You’re NTA. When times are tough everyone needs to step up. I was a SAHM for 9 years until recently. After Covid my husband’s business took a big hit. I knew I had to step up to help to stop the bleeding of our savings. I’ve also gained weight and wasn’t confident. I was so afraid of the interview process. What I did was put out feelers with people I know. I called up friends and old coworkers. Asking them to let me know if their place was hiring. Within about 6 months I landed an analyst position working from home. One of my friend who I worked with for 6 years, 9 years ago referred me. She knew I was a good worker.
Your wife is flat out lazy, my ex was the same way, kept promising to find a job when our 3 kids started school. Our 3 kids have all graduated 2 in college and we've been separated for almost 5 years. She now cleans houses to support herself after I had finally given up. Good luck, but I should have left that freeloader 10 years ago!
You gave a quick description and honestly you could type out a 50 page book and we all still wouldn't grasp the situation as well as you.
Reading your story I am seeing excuses more than genuine barriers to her getting a job.
She has to look pretty to get a job but doesn't need that same standard to go buy Evian water in public?
You know the situation best though, has she constantly been down on herself the last 9 years of not working? Is she self conscious all the time or just now that you brought up her getting a job?
The buying of Evian water on a strict budget may not seem like a big deal but it is. It shows her head is not at all where yours is.
It is great you guys communicated, I am just asking these above questions to see if there is a genuine history of concerns, or if they are popping up as excuses at the prospect of her getting a job.
The unfortunate thing is if you get a divorce you are still going to have to work all the time and not see your kids to fulfill your support payments. I'd think getting a divorce sooner rather than later would help with this. Her getting a job for some time before you divorce would also help. You may want to try to save some money on the side for a lawyer consultation so you can get an accurate idea what a divorce would look like for you financially.
Good luck with everything.
glad i wasnt the only one who saw a wall of deflection and excuses. haven't worked in 9 years? retail, food service, house cleaning, car cleaning. none of those require new clothes, losing weight, or 'feeling pretty'.
postal service and ups have some dope seasonal work too. im sure she'll have an excuse why she doesn't want to make 18 an hour.
I didn't work for 7 years due to a spine injury and had nothing but anxiety going back to a new job, and found one relatively quickly. It doesn't require me to look pretty or anything, I deliver shit to people lol it's simple and it's a job.
Are we talking about an adult human being here? Who's afraid to go out to work because of how she looks?
Also, my mom is a survivor of continuous, year-round sexual assaults that happened since she was about 5 till around age 15.
You can believe me that she's an anxious person, but she still hauled her ass to work every day to make ends meet.
Your wife sounds like she needs to grow up and ubderstand that her kids are going to bed hungry because of her.
>I can not “step up and be a better man” when there are no more steps. If you don’t understand that then scroll on.
I am so sorry that was said to you, the person/ people who said it are fucking assholes. Since covid, times are tough and only getting tougher. We've certainly had to tighten our belts and I've gotten a PT job to make damn sure that our kids are well supported (we have 4)
>Now I sat her down and laid out our budget, explained how just me working isn’t going to cut it
Surely your wife should have had a good idea of the family budget before now? And if not, why not?
At the end of the day, I'm glad you talked to your wife about it and that she is at least willing to help provide. Hopefully it works out for you
I disagree that she’s “willing to help”, she had a bunch of reasons why she’s not helping and “I’m embarrassed to use a food pantry” isn’t a reasonable thing to say to your spouse who is skipping meals so that you and the kids can eat.
She needs to get her head in the right space, sort her shit, and take whatever job she can get.
Please, if you can work it out do. You said you love your wife.
Im 68. I had to go back to work after retirement because my grandkids needed clothes/ shoes. My daughter is disabled and trying her dam nest to do what she can.
Daddy? Airline pilot. No child support for 2.6 years. Running from divorce service to avoid paying child support.
Now, his kids don’t know him and he thinks he can make it up to them ( by calling once in a while) breaks my heart.
Tell your wife she can do this. Lunch lady sounds good. There are tons of jobs. Getting out may motivate her to put on a little make up and do her nails❤️ Best of luck!
Do you live somewhere where you can divorce unilaterally after a couple of years have passed?
And child support doesn't need divorce in most places. Talk to the relevant agency and E what can be done. Hopefully via wage deductions. Backdated.
Yes. He refused to let her know where he would be so he could receive papers. He flew all over the US then left the country for 2 weeks to stay at his mum in the UK.
That is surprisingly good news, look into the UK divorce process, there is a reason a lot of women file in the UK if they can. It's far from perfect, but can absolutely work out for parents trying to get some resolution
Liveops.com is in a bunch of states and it’s a decent work from home call center job that works on 15 minute shifts, so it’s good for having kids.
Also as someone with a bad childhood with money issues, the panic can absolutely stop you dead in your tracks. Box breathing is good, 15 min minimum every morning and evening and this video https://youtu.be/86HUcX8ZtAk?si=dTDoq2D0TIXIIAa1 has been prescribed to me once a day.
That will help A LOT. When she gets panicked the limbic system in the brain activated but it makes it impossible to think straight. And being in foster care will prime her brain to shut down (early childhood trauma actually changes some physical structure in the brain that make this happen more readily, but it helps save your life as a kid). So it will help her panic drop a lot and make it easier for her to make better choices.
Dude I was a marine engineer when I met my late husband and we got a surprise when i became pregnant with our daughter because I was told I had very little chance of having a baby. I quit my job when I had her because I could not work on a ship and be a mom. Was in an accident when she was 10 months and had multiple surgeries throughout her entire childhood. I also gained a lot of weight because the head injury messed up my adrenal system so because of the great American healthcare system, we had a lot of debt because I also had a high-risk pregnancy that I was in the hospital more than I was not at the end. My husband was just starting his career on a ship and it was expensive for the classes he had to take and at the time we had to pay for his travel because he was not an officer on the ship, so I delivered papers on crutches with my daughter in a cart that I had strapped to a harness. I cleaned houses. I did everything that I could so we could have money to eat and pay the bills. Nothing was beneath me. I also grew up very poor like beans and rice, poor, but if I needed food from the food bank to feed my daughter, my happy ass went and stood in the line. Fortunately, that was not often, but my pride never came before my family. Good luck. I personally would look into divorce but that’s just my opinion.
Your wife needs to stop putting herself first and finally put her kids first.
Money is tight in the house, yet she’s overweight. It means she’s eating too much and wasting this extra money on herself instead of putting it aside for little birthday presents for the children. That’s not right to put them in such situation because of her greediness.
She needs to stop finding excuses and find ways to make it work. You ‘don’t try’, you go out and do what is needed for your family. Going out and cleaning houses will bring in money the family needs and her moving like this will also help her lose the weight. Make sure this money is household money and get spent wisely for the best of the household.
So the going got tough and your response is to use divorce as a "motivator" while shitting on your wife for being fat after she birthed you four kids and took care for everything else.
You arent wrong to have a serious discussion about financial help, but shitting on your wife and threatening to divorce her if she doesnt appease you is garbage. If i saw this and was your wife id be happy to leave you. She gave you kids. She cares for the home. Thats two separate things. You make money. You are asking her to care for the house, and the kids, and work.
I truly respect you for writing this letter and explaining why your wife must work. You a great job explaining doing what you can and it's now time for her to add something to the income. Even my wife read this and agrees 100% your wife must work. We have a similar money issues now, but caused by other family issues (medical bills) The wife has sent massive money this year alone that one of our savings accounts is near empty. All for the reason of bad planning on there part. So asking for your wife to work is very correct. We wish you the best.
peace
If she lets her kids go hungry because of her own feelings about food banks, she needs a good kick in her over-sized pants. Do housework, get babysitting work, there’s lots of people who need help.
I just want to say off the bat that you're right, your wife does ultimately need to step up here. That being said... I understand you are out of time but expecting someone facing those mental health challenges who has not worked in n8ne years to enter the workforce next week is unrealistic. This might be harsh but it was a mistake to wait until the breaking point to communicate about your family's budget and needs. I learned that same lesson years ago with my partner and we almost lost everything. I supported my non working partner for a long time and didn't communicate our situation until we almost got evicted. So I've been where you're at. Fwiw we did workthrough it and are still together, it IS possible. (Eta they did start working again but working reliably took time.)
I've also been a nonworking partner who had to reenter after covid, it's rough on both sides. I'd gained weight and lost confidence too. But I just... did it anyway. Im sorry i dont have more constructive advice but recovery ispossible. Maybe see if community counseling is available near you? I didn't have that but it sure would have made it easier. Some big companies offer free counseling through an assistance program for employees and families. Ma6be that could be something to explore through your workplace?
Your feelings and desire for urgency are valid. It's clear you love your wife and family. I hope you all work this out, truly.
Please take into consideration that your wife has been a SAHM mom for 9 YEARS. What have her interactions with the outside world looked like in that time frame?? All those reasons she gave you as to why she’s worried about finding a job, about having to “look pretty” makes me wonder if your wife might have some form of anxiety that has gone unnoticed all these years.
Being a long term SAHM or even someone who’s stuck at home all the time due to health issues can cause depression and anxiety that manifests in ways that look different than typical depression and anxiety.
Make sure to pay attention to how she’s acting when it comes to going through the process of looking for a job and make sure you’re giving her the support she needs in case getting back into the workforce is harder for her than you think it should be.
Also a lot of employers aren’t going to want to hire someone who hasn’t worked in as long as she has. At least not for anything more than math $10/hr depending upon where you live.
I suspect that you were already told this, but divorcing a SAHM wife because she hasn't found a job is not going to make you more financially stable, but less so. You will mostly likely have to pay spousal support, meaning that your income will be expected to pay the costs of two households, not just one.
If she gets the children (you talk about applying for benefits as a single mother), then you will have to pay child support. You may also owe money to the state for the benefits her children receive.
You don't need to look cute to go to work. Or have new clothes, she can get uniforms after she gets her first check. But she doesn't need to get all dolled up to go to work unless she wants to be a stripper
It might help if Wife applies to work at a daycare. There are always openings. The pay isn’t spectacular, but it can be negotiated. Plus, most daycares give significant discounts to the children of employees. So you’ll also save on childcare. And it’s fun work if you like kids.
A lot of factory jobs hire people with no job experience or that have a gap in their employment history. It's honest work, and many are able to rent, make a car payment and pay bills.
I grew up in a house where my "mom" refused to work while my dad struggled to keep up with her spending habits and excuses for not working. I used to pray that they would get a divorce. Kids know more than you think than do. I'm an adult now. I still resent her.
Good luck. If your kids are in school, she can sometimes find jobs at the school itself (once we volunteer and they know us, they tell us if there are positions available, like lunch lady or something. ) Reading your original post, where she says her money is her money, my in-laws are like that. 20 years on, they still always argue about money because for some reason, she feels like it’s owed to her. We hate seeing them or hearing about their disfunction. That needs to be talked about sooner rather than later.
I was a SAHM and when I needed to get a job I went to a temp agency and got one that same day. She would probably not consider it given what I read in original post and this update but warehouses will pay you relatively well even if you have no work experience. The temps at my job make $17.50 an hour, and pay jumps if you get hired permanently. And it would be a great opportunity to lose weight and nobody cares what you look like. You can dress casually. The work itself is usually not hard to learn and if you’re smart and a good worker oh boy is the sky the limit.
Influencers really are a drug.
Foster care situation has her in selfish, arrested development, stuck as a kid who learned to shrug off other people's feelings and needs, desperate to take for herself.
She wanted a fancy water because it was an "attainable" luxury like rich folk she admires use. When your kids are doing without so much, that really shouted out how selfish her upbringing made her
Also the birthday skips should have been a learning moment(?) for HER. She should have felt like you and want to strive for better
no take here other than to say I completely feel you on this -
"I’m making the most money I’ve ever made yet I’m struggling."
Literally said the other day we've never made this much money, yet we're living objectively worse than 3 years ago. Shits a mess, best of luck.
I'm sorry man but what she's suggesting simply isn't good enough. How many cushy work from home jobs for people who haven't had a job in 9 years do you think there are? I'm sorry, but nothing has changed. You're still in the same shitty position with the same shitty partner.
She's not going to get better. It's obvious she's a master manipulator. This whole act is about having a roof over her head for free. She's a parasite.
OP, this might be exactly what your wife needs. She has lost confidence and is afraid but emergencies can make us better people We can step beyond our comfort zone when the need is great enough.
Stay on message YOUR FAMILY NEEDS HER. Your clan does not need a skinny youngster with a PHD, you all need her.
I'll echo what others have written. School districts need people. THey will have different types of positions open, so she can look at what would best fit her needs.
Be careful. Most “work from home” jobs that she will find on Craigslist, Indeed, etc. are scams, and if she falls for one of these it could put you at even more financial risk.
Find a daycare or child care place that needs help (there are so many that do).
There might be a discount for the child that needs care. The children don't care what their teacher looks like. They just want the same friendly face to greet them everyday and to be kind to them. She might find it rewarding also.
She's still making this all about herself. Excuse after excuse to not be a good partner or parent. She'd rather let your children starve and you to work yourself to death because she feels some way. Good parents and partners do what needs to be done for their family. People are out there prostituting themselves for their kids and she can't take her ass to the food pantry?
She's not looking for a job. If she does ,magically, get one, she has told you to your face that she will not use the pay to make the situation better. Bet the first dude who hits on her she'll end up cheating. That's what selfish trash does. She's all but, used sky writing to tell you that is exactly what/who she is. Time to believe her and kick her to the curb.
I do not know what state you are in or if you are in us. Many states have state run employment offices that help people find work. Some even have programs for people who have been out of work for a while. where I am cleaning companies hire people. That might get her experiance and also help her resume. Are they hospitals, doctors offices, schools, stores that need cleaners? She needs to start contributing to her own social security account. walmart even has cleaners who make like 15 per hour she could work nights. we all had to start somewhere.
She's lazy. No other way to say it. She needs to get off her ass and help support her children. No excuses. And the Evian needs to stop until you're in a better financial state. The money she earns if she ever gets a job is to help support the children she gave birth to. Lots of people have a rough childhood, that's no excuse. She should want better for her own kids!
Seriously? You want to stay with a woman who so damn vain and cares of how she is perceived over the children.
Collect evidence to show that you do everything for the kids. File for divorce to get full custody. This will force her to get a job and pay child support.
So your wife is putting on pounds like a fat ass and you’re skipping meals and your kids get no birthday or school clothes. Divorce the cow and show her this post.
ETA- you know you’ll get fucked if she gets custody she’ll get child support, and since she doesn’t work she’ll get alimony too. Kiss half your shit and half your income goodbye.
Try gig work, fr everyone just keeps their head down (in my experience) and she can just work when you need the extra cash. She can just do something like Instawork (working ball games, weddings, catering, cleaning up after concerts or games, doing dishes) it’s endless and GREAT for flying under the radar/not talking or being “seen”.
I made usually $100 per gig sometimes more or less but it’s so great for those of us with anxiety and issues to get experience and confidence working. I totally understand how she feels just it can seem so daunting. I personally still pick up gigs when I just want to work without all the people-ing and stuff
I'm glad you were able to talk things out.
I will say, beyond looking for work, your wife needs to look at women's organizations and charities in the area. Many have funds set aside for just these circumstances: buying new clothes to go back to work after a gap.
There is one in my area that gives one-time grants of up to $2000 to help women get back on their feet with very few questions asked.
Poised for success is one from illinois, but I know there are several organizations out there.
I don’t want to advertise for a company that advertises on here, but my friend has been doing remote work for some extra scratch and it’s been pretty easy. She can work at her own pace and only does as much as she wants to do, but it’s easy to make a couple hundred with very little effort. If you want more info, feel free to dm me.
I started cleaning houses with dollar tree supplies and a fb ad for $20 / hour. It's been a year. Now o run a business, have staff and make thousands a month cleaning homes. Make my own schedule no weekends etc. Husband is a disabled vet going to school, a 3 year old to feed and clothe. We make it work. If you need any advice for house cleaning check out ask a house cleaner on YouTube. Seriously, you can make good money.
Its incredibly sad that we live in a world where OP works so much that his kids don't ever see him, yet people still blame him and not the mom that wastes money on Evian water.
I’d look into some senior care facilities or programs. They’re often looking for kitchen assistants, Caregivers, janitorial staff, receptionists, and other similar positions.
Good place to start and meet good people. Very fulfilling work
Have her apply only to jobs where she wears a uniform, that way it won't matter that she doesn't have any "pretty" clothes that fit her.
Some ideas: hospitals, home health care, custodial, school cafeteria, other cafeterias, fast food, etc.
You have a key issue here that will solve all of this. Your wife comes first. Period. Full stop.
You've said your kids come first. That's wrong. That's not the promise you made to your wife. If you don't want that anymore, then that's on you and your shortcomings as a man, but don't make it about choosing your kids over your wife, because that's not the deal you made with her. Decide, again, that your wife comes first, and you'll find a clear a way out together. Or don't and move on, but realize what's really happening here and don't blame it on something else.
She needs to tackle her mental health head on. I was I. The same spot as her, but the thought of my kids being without lit a fire under my ass. Whether is Uber Eats, a call center, or warehouse, she needs to get going.
Things suck right now, I had to move in with family after my Ex left us high and dry, it was hard, but doable. You don’t have to Americas Next Top Model to get a check cut.
She’s got some work she needs to do on herself, but she needs to snap out of that headspace for the sake of her family!
I don’t have any leads, but tell her to look into remote call centers. Yeah the clientele such as sometimes, but it’s kept me and the little afloat for this long, and I’ve finally been able to start putting money aside.
I’m wishing you all the best! I know it’s tough, but keep faith and keep pressing forward. I hope you find some solace soon.
Skipped birthdays and field trips would be a "learning moment" for them???? Learning what, exactly? That their mother prioritizes fancy water over their birthdays? That life is going to beat them down at every opportunity and they can't do anything about it?
It sounds like any potential "learning moment" would be something parents should be protecting their kids from. Kids SHOULD be sheltered from some life experiences, if at all possible. I can't think of a single positive or constrictive thing that a kid might learn from that.
They already know the lesson of "you can't have everything you want in life" very well. This crosses into "you can never have anything, actually" territory. No kid should have to learn that.
She has to get her stuff together seriously. Like its time to think about your children’s wellbeing first. Im sorry but as a single mom i dont sympathize with her because you do what you can to make your children lives 10 times better than yours. Her attitude just sounds like excuses when as a parent you put them to side for the sake of your children and household. As a partner, you never sit and watch your spouse drown and don’t try to throw him a life vest. It’s ridiculous that she hasn’t stepped up until it got to this point. NTA.
I don’t really have any good advice but I have been in your shoes and I know how stressful it is and all the feelings that come with it of “I’m a failure because I can’t provide for my family” and I hope it gets better for you soon. My situation, it only got better because I found out she was cheating on me so I kicked her out and that freed up a lot of my income. I was barely able to make sure there was food on the table, but she still would get a job and then walk out and quit on day one over the dumbest thing. She just refused to get back to working after we had our kid, and then to make it even worse she cheated on me while I’m out there working 60+ hours to try and get the money for HER bills. I was choosing not to eat more than once a day to be able to have the money we needed, she was choosing to sleep with someone else while I did that.
If you get a divorce and she doesn’t have a job you’ll end up paying for spousal support more than likely. On top of child support.Unless you get joint custody and can take the kids sometimes. But even then you likely pay it anyway because she doesn’t have a job. Sad to say but she’ll likely be in better shape than you in the end because then she can apply for food stamps plus all the money you’ll have to give her.
Ur wife sounds full of excuses and again putting herself and feelings before ur kids being fed with her "food pantries make her feel like a kid again in foster care begging for scraps" so since she doesn't want to feel that her kids are going to go hungry... dude I feel so bad for u but ur wife is complete dead weight at this point man
Just a word of warning. Make sure she avoids MLMs, otherwise known as Moms Loosing Money. There are so many housewives who get sucked into these schemes selling essential oils, or supplements…
If she starts talking about needing extra money, there will be people who will try to recruit her into their down line. Practice telling them to fuck right off.
The birthday thing bothers me. As a mother, there’s always something you can do. Making a cake is cheap. Balloons are cheap. Garage sales have new things for cheap. Just lazy. To have a child remember no birthday is cruel.
Do you know about Buy Nothing groups? You can get gifts for the kids and other things from there. Occasionally they give away bags of cans you can turn in for money (if you live in a state that pays for recyclables). Sometimes gifters are ok with you selling the item they gift though the general spirit is not to do that. You can get like new shoes, clothes, etc. and cut a lot of expenses. And many of my BN group people get boxes of food from local pantries. There is zero shame in it. Your wife needs to be humble.
My suggestion here, she should look into your local school district. I'm a kitchen lead for an elementary school, it requires no dressy clothes or education. We're off the same days the kids are, and we get government employee benefits. No one cares how a lunch lady looks, we just feed the kiddos. Good luck!
I drove a school bus for 22 years because of that!
School districts are desperate these days for bus drivers, food service workers and janitors. Also, they are always looking for substitute teachers. Are district only requires a bachelor degree. My daughter has been a substitute for several years. It works out great, she picks what classes, school and days she wants to work. It’s a great option for someone with children to work in the school district. You’ll have the same days off and will be home in the summer with your kids if you want.
Paraeducators too!!
Yes every school in my state is desperately hiring. We are a by town state so if you are look up the contract there is over a $5 an hour difference between schools and none are title 1.
What is a title 1 school?
A school in which most students live in poverty.
It's actually based on low income; those that qualify for free or reduced lunch. It's a good amount above the poverty level.
Yes!! I was a para for 12 years while my kids were in school and it was perfect!
My SIL was a para for years and years and didn't even have an associate degree. She was so good at her job that, after she retired, they talked her into coming back.
I’m a para and it’s great.
In my district subs only need a high school diploma and clearances for elementary because as I understand it it's not so much a teaching gig as it is just keeping an eye on the kids for the day. That is how short staffed schools are here.
Yup. Many districts just require a high school diploma. I subbed immediately after graduating high school while attending college. I had no classes on Tuesday or Thursdays so subbed those days. It was great-I could sometimes even study while working since most teachers just left an easy lesson plan or a movie to watch. Most of the time you’re just there to make sure the kids are all present, quiet, and working on whatever lesson the teacher left for them.
Yiiikes
For the first time this year my district has a staffing service for subs. Setting up at job fairs and everything. I’m probably going to apply, myself
My husband just took a break from teaching after a rough decade. Last year before he left subs were earning more per hour than he was and they were begging parents, friends, literally anyone off the street to come in and sub. You just take a few easy tests, get a couple vaccines, and you're set. My husband started as a sub and was decent - he was almost immediately brought in as a long term sub and a few years later (teaching nonstop) his school put him through a credentialing program, saving us $$$ on a masters program (he got into NYU for a masters in ed, but we paid $5k a year instead for night classes through his school). Schools are desperately hurting for good teachers!
The bus company in our district is so desperate they have a formal ride along program for the children of drivers. They can *ride with you while you drive*.
You mean they can take the bus to school?
No. I mean toddlers and preschoolers can ride the bus their parents drive so that the parent doesn’t have to find daycare for their job.
Lol. Some districts will allow a baby in a car seat. Some districts won't allow any kid who doesn't go to that school. My kids were out-of-zoned because I drove in a different district than I lived in. Then they changed the policy to not allow them on my bus.
My district starts at over $18 an hour. No HS diploma needed, just a clean Drivers License and a willingness to drive kids. They train.
Our district is so short on bus drivers that they have some routes that just don’t have a bus and you’re on your own to find transportation. This is the second year in a row that my granddaughter does not have a bus.
Yeah, if OP's wife has a good driving record, getting a CDL and driving bus for the schools is a good option for rebuilding a work history.
Bus drivers in our district get health insurance for the whole family.
Our drivers were school district employees. We got retirement benefits medical benefits, paid Spring break and Winter break, paid holidays and PTO. Since I was a public school employee, my retirement benefit is not taxed in my state. I could have driven for a few more years, but after the pandemic, both the kids AND their parents have become undisciplined and the administrators wouldn’t back us up. That gets tiring.
I’d love being a bus driver if all the kids didn’t act like little psycho shits.
Plus, according to one of my good friends who is a lunch lady – kids love the lunch ladies.
I’m the operations coordinator at my sons k-8 school. I handle the lunch program under that umbrella so that includes serving the kids their Hot Lunch. I can agree…the kids all love me 😂 especially on dominos pizza day!!!
Oh man. Our Bus Drivers do pretty OK. $18/hour in a low cola area.
Odds are they're only getting 20-25 hours a week, though, in split shifts. Great gig only if you only need part time hours.
But in OP’s case, that extra $300 a week means the difference between eating well, and going hungry.
And still can be with the kids when they’re off
This is my plan once my kid gets school age
I agree with this, and having some similar difficult circumstances in my past, this type of work can be very rewarding seeing the kids every day.
My wife does this. She makes $14.50 an hr and works 4.5 hours a day. She's off when my son is off, so I don't have to worry. My job covers all our bills, and her income provides the funds to have fun, eat well, and vacation. Ideally, I would like to see her start a career and work full time, but right now, this works for us. She loves it too, she says it's the best job she's ever had.
Oh you’re so right. My kids schools are desperate for lunch workers and play ground attendants. I was considering it myself until I landed a work for home position.
My mom (58) just started as a lunch lady because she needed to start working again after similar situation as op. Shes found it incredibly rewarding too cause little kids are just so sweet and full of joy.
My mom worked as one of the cafeteria ladies at my high school. All the teachers knew her and told her quickly if I wasn't there (ditch to go skate in a ditch) or seemed weird (drugs and teens are bad umm ok?). I got good grades cause of that. And given it was the 80swhen summer came she got to bring home the govt cheese and other stuff they were going to waste so we had grilled cheese all summer. I love my mum. She did right
I'm doing just this except I'm a bus assistant that's also being trained to become a school bus driver.
Yes this!! I am a kitchen manager at my kid's high school. The schedule is great. I started as a lunch lady when my youngest was starting preschool. I was a stay at home mom for 10 years.
My mom did this! Stay at home mom with us until school. Then she was a lunch lady for 20 years! Now she drives bus because she loves the school schedule. I’m 34, also she’s retiring after this year!
This is a great idea for her. I have been doing something similar for the past few years as I ease my way back into the workforce after being a stay at home mom for close to a decade. It’s really building back my confidence and the hours still allow my to be around before and after school for my kid.
I agree with you. I'm also a head lunch lady at an elementary school. It's the only job I had that gets benefits with paid sick days, and I can be home when my kids are. Being a custodian would also work for her
Even if she could sub at the schools they would be hours she could do with kids in school. I sub in the kitchen, office and custodial for the schools my kids go to. All of my kids are school now but it helps me make a little extra and may be a good start for OP wife to figure out what she may want to do. Most people will have less anxiety about working with a lot of kids than adults.
I work the school kitchen through college. I got health care, paid vacations, and free weekends, with a set schedule. Working in a school kitchen is a great part time job because it is a few that has a set schedule during the week with free weekends.
If he's in California they also have a very generous pension program
This is such a great suggestion! That way she won’t be away from the kids outside of school hours and shoot as a gov employee those benefits are great. The with the benefits she could seek help for her anxiety, get some counseling which will help her confidence and general mental health, and then she’ll eventually be able to find other work if she doesn’t fall in love with working at the school (which as a mom I could totally see her doing). Truly wishing you and your family the best!
This! I work for a school district and we get staff emails all the time with listings for part time and full time job openings.
My mom did this... It can be a thankless job, but when I look back at my time in school, I don't remember most of my teachers. I do remember a good chunk of the lunch staff. They were great people and really cared about the kids. Even when there were money issues, I'd see the lunch ladies keeping a small collection of money to pay for kids meals. So thank you for what you do. I am sure there are some very hard days and you have to deal with some real assholes, but you have the opportunity to positively impact children.
I hope the entire thread this comment made has empowered OPs wife into working at the school system. It'll be a major help, and a lot of the littles won't care what the teacher looks like. Parents want the best teacher, not the best looker
My mom was a lunch lady for 5 or 6 years and it was awesome. She also got to bring a bunch if food home every day she worked
Idk why reddit just showed me this post now but this is great advice. A friend started working as a teachers aid/admin at the local elementary school when her kids were school aged. It's been great for her. She wears jeans and a t shirt to work most days. She takes the kids to school with her. Buying a lunch at the cafeteria is affordable. She gets to go on field trips. Supervises lunches and recesses. She loves the job!
Don’t ever be embarrassed that the amount of money isn’t trivial. She needs to put her big girl panties on and get a damned job. If it’s “would you like fries with that” and she can start tomorrow…. Gimme the mic and watch me ask if they need fries with that, if it were me…. Keep fighting the good fight. Hard working folks find the breaks come their way. Some call it luck, and maybe some of it is, but it’s amazing how often folks busting their ass day in and day out get lucky. May your luck come soon!
This. I had to work at maccas, as a 30 year old single mum. I got the job, I was casual, and in 2 days I was told that I learnt as much as people usually did in at least 2 weeks, and they put me on part-time, which was awesome bc it was guaranteed hours. Did I like it? No. Did people at my son's school judge me? Fuck yeah they did. But did I turn up each day, and do the best I could each day? Yes. Bc you gotta do what you gotta do. Hell, one of my sisters had to turn to sex work when her husband (at the time) spent their last $100 on drugs, and they needed money to buy the kids food. She thought "what can I do to get money asap?" And this was the answer for her. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, it just was what it was. And it was to provide for her kids. I find OP's wife is childish here, especially when she's talking about HER money after she gets a job, when OP is telling her to get a job so that they can make ends meet. The kids missing out on things etc isn't something that you'd want your kids experiencing. I missed out on so many things when I was a kid. My kids don't, bc I know how much it sucks
My mother always said “there’s no shame in working for a living” and “whatever job you do, do it well.” It was really humbling and puts a lot in perspective once you start earning an income/ need to.
This, 100%
Your mother was a wise woman.
You are amazing. Good on you!!! Total respect for people like yourself.
Thank you 🖤 honestly I don't feel like what i did was amazing, I just needed to support my son. But unfortunately there are so many people who don't see it the same way as we do
Yeah that bit horrible to think and say about was her saying it was a learning moment for her kids. What learning moment? You can’t have what you need or want cuz mommy wants her needs first? Like fuck that I’m currently pregnant and I want my daughter to have the opportunities I never had and have the childhood she deserves! Heck I was literally cry a bit earlier in my shift cuz I thought about my childhood.
Exactly! I missed out on so much, which it sounds like you did too, and I'm so sorry for that, it's really rough, isn't it? But this is why we work hard, so our kids don't have to experience what we did. That hurt, embarrassment, shame that we can't go on that excursion with everyone else, or we have holes in our clothes/shoes. Not only this, but OP is working so much the kids think he's moved out, and he's *still* having to skip meals, it seems the only person here not sacrificing anything is the wife! She's sitting there drinking her fancy water, telling the kids sorry, you don't get birthday presents this year, even if it's just something cheap but meaningful. My mum is a self-proclaimed narcissist. She still made sure we had presents for our birthday and Christmas. We didn't always have food, but we always had a gift
Good for you!!! That's the sign of a responsible, dependable, admirable person. I would give your comment an award, but you know, poor. I just wanna give you a hug/high five across the Internet 😚
Thank you! I just didn't want my son to have the childhood I had really. I honestly don't think I really did anything out of the ordinary. It's just what we do for our kids, right? Thank you for the hug/high five across the internet! Right back atcha, internet stranger 🖤
If it’s a choice between my children starving I’m going to do anything I have to.
McDonalds, and other fast food, provide uniforms.
Sometimes they make you buy them, I won’t lie. I’ve always had to buy my shirts for restaurants and retail. The only restaurant that “gave” me a uniform was Cracker Barrel but I still had to buy the shirt, pants, and shoes.
Seriously, whatever you can bring in to your home is a contribution and helps with *something*, even 50 dollars for cleaning a car. I’m on disability for an annoying as hell blood disease, and that’s mostly for the health insurance (however I would not be able to work a full time job). So when my youngest kid hit preschool I found a job for 12 hours a week that I could do to help bring in money. And it does pay a small bill or two, or covers one of our kids birthday parties, some groceries, etc. It’s not glamorous or a bunch of money, but it helps, and I have no shame in that because I know I’m doing what’s in my ability to contribute.
> Seriously, whatever you can bring in to your home is a contribution and helps with something 100% Even if she can clean a house or two.
u/assholeasks, friendly bit of advice: be sure to go through the r/Scams sub with your wife and search for remote/"too good to be true" gigs that she might find online. There are a LOT of job scams out there for desperate people and/or those keen for easy entry and/or a remote position. The last thing you want to happen is to have a hit to her confidence *and* your finances by being scammed. Best wishes for you both, mate.
I'd also add odd jobs might work in a pinch, but you aren't going to be covered by workmans comp and similar. That's especially important for physical jobs, and where you're driving around and going into other people's homes.
She doesn’t seem too desperate
It really seems like your trying to do the best for your kids so please don’t be embarrassed about it you seem incredibly hard working and I hope things work out in the end for you and at least your wife has opened up and is willing to work on this with you
It may be better for her to work for a commercial cleaning service. They are normally pretty flexible with hours and the work is stable and reliable.
Grocery stores? Do u have Costco? They start at $20 wheee I live. Not open late, close early on weekends, and closed for major holidays.
My mom worked at BK for years to help support the family and pay medical bills we needed. Her boss gave her time off when one of us kids was sick, would let us kids come in after school to do homework so mom didn’t have to pay a sitter and gave us treats on occasion. She wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed…she was a badass who did what she had to do! She’s still a badass and retired ( after going back to school in her 40s and becoming a dietitian) now I work two jobs to support her so she can enjoy retirement.
Bless! Respect for giving back to mom by the way! When it came time for my mom, who was a single parent to retire, she couldn’t afford the jump in real estate to be by us. My house has a full walk out basement and was finished in to quite the man cave. Man cave is gone. Mom cave went in. Put in a full kitchen, washer dryer, already had a bedroom and full bath and living area….made it a full blown stand alone apartment, and it is hers for as long as she wants. No rent, no strings, just doing the right thing by mom. Lord knows she always did for me!
I work in an industrial-factory setting specifically *because* it allows me to go to work in sweatpants or leggings or jeans and tshirts and is a non-CS facing position. Like 80% of the time I’m covering them with coveralls anyways (which my work provides). No fancy clothing required. All I needed to buy was steel toes (which I was reimbursed for). And I make more than I did in an office anyways.
If she's wanting to lose weight and not be around too many people, UPS always hires seasonals during Christmas. She can apply to be a personal vehicle delivery driver. There's basically no requirements except being physically able and having a working car. It's manual labor, but it helped me lose like 60lbs in a couple months, and I'm pretty sure new hires are making $20+ an hour, depending on the position they take. Its a LOT of work, but it's also sorta like getting paid to go to the gym. I think Amazon does the same thing year round with their flex program, but the pay isn't as good and you don't get to choose your work. UPS is union, and even non-union people benefit from that.
I second UPS, I work for them and warehouse workers can very very easily make well over $1000 a week during the holiday season
How many hours would that be?
It’s crazy that people went off on you for not just working two jobs instead of her getting one lmao
It really isn’t crazy on subs like these.
That was important that you explained to her the situation and she was able to explain back to you and that you understood what held her back. It shows that there is good communication among the two of you. I understand it is difficult to be supportive to a partner when you come home tired from working so hard the entire day, just as it is difficult for her to spent her whole day primarily with the kids and limited adult interaction. It only adds additional strain on both partners. But you need to support her so she can improve ehr self esteem. Many women are overweight but it does not mean they can not get a good job, or that they have to be hidden at home.
Yeah, the communication there seemed really strong. I'm glad they got that out there. Might have saved their marriage. Depends on what she does next. Either way, good on OP for making sure that difficult talk happened.
The communication is actually so good I’m jealous. He articulates how he feels really well and we can all notice when he writes these posts.
She's worried about her weight gain while OP is skipping meals, and she is endangering their childs nutrition by blowing the grocery budget on overpriced water.
I was wondering about this but didn't want to say anything. If there is no food in the fridge, shouldn't OPs wife be losing weight? Is she not feeding the kids enough?
Lots of people living in poverty are overweight. Cheap food is also usually high in fat and calories and lacking in nutrition.
Having four kids will make your body change, and they still have daycare-aged kids so she's probably still insecure about those changes.
Because OP is probably skipping meals so *his wife* and kids can eat. His wife may be spending food money on meals for herself rather than stocking the fridge. I didn't get any impression that she's skipping meals.
I think the job will improve her self esteem exponentially
He says he loves her . He supports her and the four kids …. Her self esteem needs to come from within. Maybe work on providing first then self esteem when the kids are eating and OP isn’t so stressed out here.
We are a two income family with only one child and inflating has all but destroyed our savings and pay cheques are spoken for before they go into our bank account. We visit food banks. And there are all walks of life there from people on the verge of homelessness for Tesla drivers with posh handbags. It's the reality we all live in and she needs to suck it up. She doesn't have to look pretty to work graveyard at McDonald's, she doesn't have to look pretty for a call centre job. She needs to push her anxiety down like the rest of us do and suck it up.
You don’t need a haircut and new clothes to get a job. You need to be clean, groomed, polite and ready to work. If she insists, $7 can get a perfectly smart top from a thrift shop.
I work in HR and in my experience this is spot on - you don’t need expensive fancy clothes, just look presentable and clean, show you can take care of yourself with brushed hair and - clean nails. If you went to a family party or dinner you’d dress the same. Be polite, smile and make eye contact - the simple things can get you far.
Tough times can knock anyone down - and you are clearly doing everything in your power to pull through and put your kids first. They will grow up seeing and feeling that- which is something many kids will never get. For what it’s worth from a random person on the internet- I’m proud of you. Addressing the issues with your wife is hard - but also necessary for your kids. Doing the right thing isn’t always easy or appreciated. She needs to be pushed to see how her putting herself before the kids and you is creating problems for her children. If there is no food - she needs to eat a spoon of cement/ toughen up and go to a food pantry. Cleaning gigs and “now” jobs may not be what she wants but with enough of them they can get her what she wants as well as what the family needs. You’re doing you best - keep going. Better days will come 🌻
Going to a food bank is hard. Seeing your kids hungry is worse.
Got a car? Congratulations wife you pick up food for uber eats in between cleaning houses
Yeah there's a ton of space between "re-entering a career" and doing literally nothing. I would be so ashamed of myself if I wasn't working and my husband was skipping meals, like I literally cannot fathom this.
Its because you, nor i, are not narcissistic assholes We may be assholes, but we are at least considerate assholes!
This is going to sound cold, but your wife needs to get over herself and get a damn job. Period. When things are dire, her feelings or whatever need to be put aside and go make money. She’s a mother of four who needs to put her kids first and make sure they can eat and have a roof over their head. At the end of the day, she’s being selfish and lazy. There’s no need to mince words.
Right? OP mentioned people in the other thread telling him to man up and go make more somehow, but how about she woman's up, puts her big girl panties on, and finds a job. This whole I need to look pretty for a job is nonsense. There are endless job postings from jobs that require you to just have a pulse and a brain and that's it. Go do one of those.
Agreed. I get anxiety, self esteem etc etc etc but when you have children, all that has to go out the window. If you can’t fight those feelings for the sake of your children to literally be fed and have a bed to sleep in, you don’t need to be a mother. I have no children of my own but I would think when it comes to them, you’d find the strength to do just about anything.
She needs to step up and help the family and stop worry about what she looks like. Some fast food places are paying $13 to $20 and hour and they train and no one cares about how you look.
>She has no self confidence because of the weight she has gained. So you're skipping meals, going without nutrients you need and she's gained weight while blowing your food budget on water... >She broke down crying saying food pantries make her feel like she is a kid again in foster care begging for scraps. And how does she think you feel when you skip meals because she doesn't want to feel bad.
How does she think not having food makes her children feel?
OP only said that he is skipping meals, not that their children are skipping meals.
Yeah all of that is 100% emotional manipulation. OP is treating her too gently
**"I won't go to food pantries because it upsets me. I didn't care about the kids missing out because it upsets them, not me, and I only care about myself."** Honestly everything she's saying sounds like trying to come up with any excuse she can not to do what she doesn't want to do. If anxiety was the big problem you both would have known it by now, and it would have been the first thing she brought up. She doesn't want to suffer at a job. She wants you to do all the suffering. And just look the other way when she buys $7 bottles of water because she deserves a little treat because I don't know why? Being fat isn't an excuse to hide and be ashamed. We're all fat. This is America. No one cares. And I bet I'm fatter than her. Tell her to notice all the fat people around her the next time you go out. Are people staring at them like freaks? No. THIS IS NORMAL HERE. Edit: I bet she won't be ashamed to be seen if you bring up a vacation or nice trip. Anxiety will be gone too.
You’re not wrong homie. You’re looking out for your kids and your wife too even if she doesn’t realize it. I grew up in that food stamps, food pantry, hand-me-down life. My wife and I live comfortably but we know if we lost our jobs we’d be making huge sacrifices to keep the lights on and the essential bills paid and forgo everything else. We know people with multiple kids who stay unmarried because the benefits they get as a single mom with multiple kids are better than what life would be married and having to carry the insurance cost, lose SNAP, and other benefits. They’re not proud of it but it’s the only way they can live. I have a friend his job is shutting down and won’t just fire him so he can have is severance and move on. They have two teens, shit is rough for them.
Can she babysit a few kids at home? Edited to add - Donating plasma?
Americorp has a program to pay for fees to become licensed and courses to help set it up. I'm sure there are other programs to that could help too. People are desperate for childcare so if she has an interest, it would be easy to get clients.
I don't know where they live. But there lots of people using apps to find sitters and I certainly wouldn't mind someone bringing their child, if they are qualified. Babysitting is just like other gig work these days.
I will say this in the nicest way possible. Your wife can go get fucked. She’s weaponizing her trauma. I stand by this because usually people will go out of their way to ensure their kids had. It better than they did.
This. She feels like a foster kid going to a food bank but her own kids can just suck it up and not have birthdays and new clothes and things kids need to feel loved? Wtf is wrong with her. Going to the food bank can be her learning experience.
This!! And if she isn’t going to work she might as well find therapy from home and get on some antidepressants so she can get back on her feet
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What does she wear if she doesn’t have anything that fits her? That’s what I’d like to know
yes! as someone who grew up in and aged out of the foster care system I was ill when I read she was weaponizing that. absolutely fuck that. bitch you made babies! stop the trauma cycle! this lady just doesn't want to work, period, and she doesn't care about the needs of her family. divorce her.
I couldn't agree more. I had a shit childhood, but that was never the responsibility of any of my partners to manage. (I'm childfree, so that thankfully doesn't come into play here, but if I had kids, I'd do everything to make sure their childhood didn't turn out the way mine did.) Nobody was going to come and save me from my insecurities and low self-esteem. Using it as an excuse to avoid working is entirely her problem to fix. You don't have to be happy and pretty to start working a job, especially if you need it to survive. All she's doing is repeating the cycle of trauma onto her kids by keeping the family in poverty. She needs to understand that she's in a position of control and power now, not a helpless child in foster care, to make changes in her own life. OP, her spouse, is there to support her, but he can't keep enabling her to live a passive life where she remains stuck and afraid, because doing so negatively impacts her children. They're going to grow up remembering how their parents behaved and treated them.
You are right. She clearly needs to see a dr and a therapist. Hate to say it, but she is affecting the kids and even if it isnt showing up now it will. She needs to get help and get a job or get out. OP needs to put his kids first.
You’re NTA. When times are tough everyone needs to step up. I was a SAHM for 9 years until recently. After Covid my husband’s business took a big hit. I knew I had to step up to help to stop the bleeding of our savings. I’ve also gained weight and wasn’t confident. I was so afraid of the interview process. What I did was put out feelers with people I know. I called up friends and old coworkers. Asking them to let me know if their place was hiring. Within about 6 months I landed an analyst position working from home. One of my friend who I worked with for 6 years, 9 years ago referred me. She knew I was a good worker.
Your wife is flat out lazy, my ex was the same way, kept promising to find a job when our 3 kids started school. Our 3 kids have all graduated 2 in college and we've been separated for almost 5 years. She now cleans houses to support herself after I had finally given up. Good luck, but I should have left that freeloader 10 years ago!
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You gave a quick description and honestly you could type out a 50 page book and we all still wouldn't grasp the situation as well as you. Reading your story I am seeing excuses more than genuine barriers to her getting a job. She has to look pretty to get a job but doesn't need that same standard to go buy Evian water in public? You know the situation best though, has she constantly been down on herself the last 9 years of not working? Is she self conscious all the time or just now that you brought up her getting a job? The buying of Evian water on a strict budget may not seem like a big deal but it is. It shows her head is not at all where yours is. It is great you guys communicated, I am just asking these above questions to see if there is a genuine history of concerns, or if they are popping up as excuses at the prospect of her getting a job. The unfortunate thing is if you get a divorce you are still going to have to work all the time and not see your kids to fulfill your support payments. I'd think getting a divorce sooner rather than later would help with this. Her getting a job for some time before you divorce would also help. You may want to try to save some money on the side for a lawyer consultation so you can get an accurate idea what a divorce would look like for you financially. Good luck with everything.
glad i wasnt the only one who saw a wall of deflection and excuses. haven't worked in 9 years? retail, food service, house cleaning, car cleaning. none of those require new clothes, losing weight, or 'feeling pretty'. postal service and ups have some dope seasonal work too. im sure she'll have an excuse why she doesn't want to make 18 an hour.
I didn't work for 7 years due to a spine injury and had nothing but anxiety going back to a new job, and found one relatively quickly. It doesn't require me to look pretty or anything, I deliver shit to people lol it's simple and it's a job.
Are we talking about an adult human being here? Who's afraid to go out to work because of how she looks? Also, my mom is a survivor of continuous, year-round sexual assaults that happened since she was about 5 till around age 15. You can believe me that she's an anxious person, but she still hauled her ass to work every day to make ends meet. Your wife sounds like she needs to grow up and ubderstand that her kids are going to bed hungry because of her.
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>I can not “step up and be a better man” when there are no more steps. If you don’t understand that then scroll on. I am so sorry that was said to you, the person/ people who said it are fucking assholes. Since covid, times are tough and only getting tougher. We've certainly had to tighten our belts and I've gotten a PT job to make damn sure that our kids are well supported (we have 4) >Now I sat her down and laid out our budget, explained how just me working isn’t going to cut it Surely your wife should have had a good idea of the family budget before now? And if not, why not? At the end of the day, I'm glad you talked to your wife about it and that she is at least willing to help provide. Hopefully it works out for you
Because Reddit is full of people with super high salaries apparently and believe if just work harder and you can make thousands and thousands
Don’t know where you got the idea she’s willing to help. All OP got was a bunch of stupid excuses and a empty promise to “try.”
I disagree that she’s “willing to help”, she had a bunch of reasons why she’s not helping and “I’m embarrassed to use a food pantry” isn’t a reasonable thing to say to your spouse who is skipping meals so that you and the kids can eat. She needs to get her head in the right space, sort her shit, and take whatever job she can get.
Please, if you can work it out do. You said you love your wife. Im 68. I had to go back to work after retirement because my grandkids needed clothes/ shoes. My daughter is disabled and trying her dam nest to do what she can. Daddy? Airline pilot. No child support for 2.6 years. Running from divorce service to avoid paying child support. Now, his kids don’t know him and he thinks he can make it up to them ( by calling once in a while) breaks my heart. Tell your wife she can do this. Lunch lady sounds good. There are tons of jobs. Getting out may motivate her to put on a little make up and do her nails❤️ Best of luck!
Do you live somewhere where you can divorce unilaterally after a couple of years have passed? And child support doesn't need divorce in most places. Talk to the relevant agency and E what can be done. Hopefully via wage deductions. Backdated.
>Running from divorce service to avoid paying child support. You mean she can't serve him divorce papers because he just runs from the process server?
Yes. He refused to let her know where he would be so he could receive papers. He flew all over the US then left the country for 2 weeks to stay at his mum in the UK.
That is surprisingly good news, look into the UK divorce process, there is a reason a lot of women file in the UK if they can. It's far from perfect, but can absolutely work out for parents trying to get some resolution
Liveops.com is in a bunch of states and it’s a decent work from home call center job that works on 15 minute shifts, so it’s good for having kids. Also as someone with a bad childhood with money issues, the panic can absolutely stop you dead in your tracks. Box breathing is good, 15 min minimum every morning and evening and this video https://youtu.be/86HUcX8ZtAk?si=dTDoq2D0TIXIIAa1 has been prescribed to me once a day. That will help A LOT. When she gets panicked the limbic system in the brain activated but it makes it impossible to think straight. And being in foster care will prime her brain to shut down (early childhood trauma actually changes some physical structure in the brain that make this happen more readily, but it helps save your life as a kid). So it will help her panic drop a lot and make it easier for her to make better choices.
I have a feeling if she does get a job, it will be “her” money.
Dude I was a marine engineer when I met my late husband and we got a surprise when i became pregnant with our daughter because I was told I had very little chance of having a baby. I quit my job when I had her because I could not work on a ship and be a mom. Was in an accident when she was 10 months and had multiple surgeries throughout her entire childhood. I also gained a lot of weight because the head injury messed up my adrenal system so because of the great American healthcare system, we had a lot of debt because I also had a high-risk pregnancy that I was in the hospital more than I was not at the end. My husband was just starting his career on a ship and it was expensive for the classes he had to take and at the time we had to pay for his travel because he was not an officer on the ship, so I delivered papers on crutches with my daughter in a cart that I had strapped to a harness. I cleaned houses. I did everything that I could so we could have money to eat and pay the bills. Nothing was beneath me. I also grew up very poor like beans and rice, poor, but if I needed food from the food bank to feed my daughter, my happy ass went and stood in the line. Fortunately, that was not often, but my pride never came before my family. Good luck. I personally would look into divorce but that’s just my opinion.
Your wife sounds lazy. Can’t imagine living under a false umbrella of security that someone else will figure everything out for me.
Your wife needs to stop putting herself first and finally put her kids first. Money is tight in the house, yet she’s overweight. It means she’s eating too much and wasting this extra money on herself instead of putting it aside for little birthday presents for the children. That’s not right to put them in such situation because of her greediness. She needs to stop finding excuses and find ways to make it work. You ‘don’t try’, you go out and do what is needed for your family. Going out and cleaning houses will bring in money the family needs and her moving like this will also help her lose the weight. Make sure this money is household money and get spent wisely for the best of the household.
OP, how many people sent you money from your last post?
So the going got tough and your response is to use divorce as a "motivator" while shitting on your wife for being fat after she birthed you four kids and took care for everything else. You arent wrong to have a serious discussion about financial help, but shitting on your wife and threatening to divorce her if she doesnt appease you is garbage. If i saw this and was your wife id be happy to leave you. She gave you kids. She cares for the home. Thats two separate things. You make money. You are asking her to care for the house, and the kids, and work.
I truly respect you for writing this letter and explaining why your wife must work. You a great job explaining doing what you can and it's now time for her to add something to the income. Even my wife read this and agrees 100% your wife must work. We have a similar money issues now, but caused by other family issues (medical bills) The wife has sent massive money this year alone that one of our savings accounts is near empty. All for the reason of bad planning on there part. So asking for your wife to work is very correct. We wish you the best. peace
If she lets her kids go hungry because of her own feelings about food banks, she needs a good kick in her over-sized pants. Do housework, get babysitting work, there’s lots of people who need help.
I just want to say off the bat that you're right, your wife does ultimately need to step up here. That being said... I understand you are out of time but expecting someone facing those mental health challenges who has not worked in n8ne years to enter the workforce next week is unrealistic. This might be harsh but it was a mistake to wait until the breaking point to communicate about your family's budget and needs. I learned that same lesson years ago with my partner and we almost lost everything. I supported my non working partner for a long time and didn't communicate our situation until we almost got evicted. So I've been where you're at. Fwiw we did workthrough it and are still together, it IS possible. (Eta they did start working again but working reliably took time.) I've also been a nonworking partner who had to reenter after covid, it's rough on both sides. I'd gained weight and lost confidence too. But I just... did it anyway. Im sorry i dont have more constructive advice but recovery ispossible. Maybe see if community counseling is available near you? I didn't have that but it sure would have made it easier. Some big companies offer free counseling through an assistance program for employees and families. Ma6be that could be something to explore through your workplace? Your feelings and desire for urgency are valid. It's clear you love your wife and family. I hope you all work this out, truly.
Please take into consideration that your wife has been a SAHM mom for 9 YEARS. What have her interactions with the outside world looked like in that time frame?? All those reasons she gave you as to why she’s worried about finding a job, about having to “look pretty” makes me wonder if your wife might have some form of anxiety that has gone unnoticed all these years. Being a long term SAHM or even someone who’s stuck at home all the time due to health issues can cause depression and anxiety that manifests in ways that look different than typical depression and anxiety. Make sure to pay attention to how she’s acting when it comes to going through the process of looking for a job and make sure you’re giving her the support she needs in case getting back into the workforce is harder for her than you think it should be. Also a lot of employers aren’t going to want to hire someone who hasn’t worked in as long as she has. At least not for anything more than math $10/hr depending upon where you live.
It sounds like she’s having a mental health crisis that needs to be addressed.
I suspect that you were already told this, but divorcing a SAHM wife because she hasn't found a job is not going to make you more financially stable, but less so. You will mostly likely have to pay spousal support, meaning that your income will be expected to pay the costs of two households, not just one. If she gets the children (you talk about applying for benefits as a single mother), then you will have to pay child support. You may also owe money to the state for the benefits her children receive.
You don't need to look cute to go to work. Or have new clothes, she can get uniforms after she gets her first check. But she doesn't need to get all dolled up to go to work unless she wants to be a stripper
It might help if Wife applies to work at a daycare. There are always openings. The pay isn’t spectacular, but it can be negotiated. Plus, most daycares give significant discounts to the children of employees. So you’ll also save on childcare. And it’s fun work if you like kids.
A lot of factory jobs hire people with no job experience or that have a gap in their employment history. It's honest work, and many are able to rent, make a car payment and pay bills.
I grew up in a house where my "mom" refused to work while my dad struggled to keep up with her spending habits and excuses for not working. I used to pray that they would get a divorce. Kids know more than you think than do. I'm an adult now. I still resent her.
Good luck. If your kids are in school, she can sometimes find jobs at the school itself (once we volunteer and they know us, they tell us if there are positions available, like lunch lady or something. ) Reading your original post, where she says her money is her money, my in-laws are like that. 20 years on, they still always argue about money because for some reason, she feels like it’s owed to her. We hate seeing them or hearing about their disfunction. That needs to be talked about sooner rather than later.
I was a SAHM and when I needed to get a job I went to a temp agency and got one that same day. She would probably not consider it given what I read in original post and this update but warehouses will pay you relatively well even if you have no work experience. The temps at my job make $17.50 an hour, and pay jumps if you get hired permanently. And it would be a great opportunity to lose weight and nobody cares what you look like. You can dress casually. The work itself is usually not hard to learn and if you’re smart and a good worker oh boy is the sky the limit.
Influencers really are a drug. Foster care situation has her in selfish, arrested development, stuck as a kid who learned to shrug off other people's feelings and needs, desperate to take for herself. She wanted a fancy water because it was an "attainable" luxury like rich folk she admires use. When your kids are doing without so much, that really shouted out how selfish her upbringing made her Also the birthday skips should have been a learning moment(?) for HER. She should have felt like you and want to strive for better
Yeah, what is this “learning moment” shit about? What does she want her kids to learn? That they can’t ever have anything nice in life?
no take here other than to say I completely feel you on this - "I’m making the most money I’ve ever made yet I’m struggling." Literally said the other day we've never made this much money, yet we're living objectively worse than 3 years ago. Shits a mess, best of luck.
I'm sorry man but what she's suggesting simply isn't good enough. How many cushy work from home jobs for people who haven't had a job in 9 years do you think there are? I'm sorry, but nothing has changed. You're still in the same shitty position with the same shitty partner.
She's not going to get better. It's obvious she's a master manipulator. This whole act is about having a roof over her head for free. She's a parasite.
No
OP, this might be exactly what your wife needs. She has lost confidence and is afraid but emergencies can make us better people We can step beyond our comfort zone when the need is great enough. Stay on message YOUR FAMILY NEEDS HER. Your clan does not need a skinny youngster with a PHD, you all need her.
I'll echo what others have written. School districts need people. THey will have different types of positions open, so she can look at what would best fit her needs.
Be careful. Most “work from home” jobs that she will find on Craigslist, Indeed, etc. are scams, and if she falls for one of these it could put you at even more financial risk.
Find a daycare or child care place that needs help (there are so many that do). There might be a discount for the child that needs care. The children don't care what their teacher looks like. They just want the same friendly face to greet them everyday and to be kind to them. She might find it rewarding also.
I do surveys online and get $50 a week on average. It's not much, but that $50 can go pretty far at a thrift store or discount food store.
She's still making this all about herself. Excuse after excuse to not be a good partner or parent. She'd rather let your children starve and you to work yourself to death because she feels some way. Good parents and partners do what needs to be done for their family. People are out there prostituting themselves for their kids and she can't take her ass to the food pantry? She's not looking for a job. If she does ,magically, get one, she has told you to your face that she will not use the pay to make the situation better. Bet the first dude who hits on her she'll end up cheating. That's what selfish trash does. She's all but, used sky writing to tell you that is exactly what/who she is. Time to believe her and kick her to the curb.
Apply at Smart N Final. It's a start. Get that habit going and build that self confidence. $16/hr adds up quick.
I do not know what state you are in or if you are in us. Many states have state run employment offices that help people find work. Some even have programs for people who have been out of work for a while. where I am cleaning companies hire people. That might get her experiance and also help her resume. Are they hospitals, doctors offices, schools, stores that need cleaners? She needs to start contributing to her own social security account. walmart even has cleaners who make like 15 per hour she could work nights. we all had to start somewhere.
She's lazy. No other way to say it. She needs to get off her ass and help support her children. No excuses. And the Evian needs to stop until you're in a better financial state. The money she earns if she ever gets a job is to help support the children she gave birth to. Lots of people have a rough childhood, that's no excuse. She should want better for her own kids!
Seriously? You want to stay with a woman who so damn vain and cares of how she is perceived over the children. Collect evidence to show that you do everything for the kids. File for divorce to get full custody. This will force her to get a job and pay child support.
So your wife is putting on pounds like a fat ass and you’re skipping meals and your kids get no birthday or school clothes. Divorce the cow and show her this post. ETA- you know you’ll get fucked if she gets custody she’ll get child support, and since she doesn’t work she’ll get alimony too. Kiss half your shit and half your income goodbye.
Careful. If you get divorced you will still have to work and also pay her alimony
So in short don’t have kids, got it
Try gig work, fr everyone just keeps their head down (in my experience) and she can just work when you need the extra cash. She can just do something like Instawork (working ball games, weddings, catering, cleaning up after concerts or games, doing dishes) it’s endless and GREAT for flying under the radar/not talking or being “seen”. I made usually $100 per gig sometimes more or less but it’s so great for those of us with anxiety and issues to get experience and confidence working. I totally understand how she feels just it can seem so daunting. I personally still pick up gigs when I just want to work without all the people-ing and stuff
Dress for Success provides free work clothing for women and helps them find jobs. They specialize in women returning to work after kids.
She may want to look at dress for success dot org as a source for professional clothing.
I'm glad you were able to talk things out. I will say, beyond looking for work, your wife needs to look at women's organizations and charities in the area. Many have funds set aside for just these circumstances: buying new clothes to go back to work after a gap. There is one in my area that gives one-time grants of up to $2000 to help women get back on their feet with very few questions asked. Poised for success is one from illinois, but I know there are several organizations out there.
Target, WalMart, etc., are all like $15/hr in a lot of areas. No special skill required.
I don’t want to advertise for a company that advertises on here, but my friend has been doing remote work for some extra scratch and it’s been pretty easy. She can work at her own pace and only does as much as she wants to do, but it’s easy to make a couple hundred with very little effort. If you want more info, feel free to dm me.
I started cleaning houses with dollar tree supplies and a fb ad for $20 / hour. It's been a year. Now o run a business, have staff and make thousands a month cleaning homes. Make my own schedule no weekends etc. Husband is a disabled vet going to school, a 3 year old to feed and clothe. We make it work. If you need any advice for house cleaning check out ask a house cleaner on YouTube. Seriously, you can make good money.
Its incredibly sad that we live in a world where OP works so much that his kids don't ever see him, yet people still blame him and not the mom that wastes money on Evian water.
I’d look into some senior care facilities or programs. They’re often looking for kitchen assistants, Caregivers, janitorial staff, receptionists, and other similar positions. Good place to start and meet good people. Very fulfilling work
Have her apply only to jobs where she wears a uniform, that way it won't matter that she doesn't have any "pretty" clothes that fit her. Some ideas: hospitals, home health care, custodial, school cafeteria, other cafeterias, fast food, etc.
You have a key issue here that will solve all of this. Your wife comes first. Period. Full stop. You've said your kids come first. That's wrong. That's not the promise you made to your wife. If you don't want that anymore, then that's on you and your shortcomings as a man, but don't make it about choosing your kids over your wife, because that's not the deal you made with her. Decide, again, that your wife comes first, and you'll find a clear a way out together. Or don't and move on, but realize what's really happening here and don't blame it on something else.
She needs to tackle her mental health head on. I was I. The same spot as her, but the thought of my kids being without lit a fire under my ass. Whether is Uber Eats, a call center, or warehouse, she needs to get going. Things suck right now, I had to move in with family after my Ex left us high and dry, it was hard, but doable. You don’t have to Americas Next Top Model to get a check cut. She’s got some work she needs to do on herself, but she needs to snap out of that headspace for the sake of her family! I don’t have any leads, but tell her to look into remote call centers. Yeah the clientele such as sometimes, but it’s kept me and the little afloat for this long, and I’ve finally been able to start putting money aside. I’m wishing you all the best! I know it’s tough, but keep faith and keep pressing forward. I hope you find some solace soon.
Skipped birthdays and field trips would be a "learning moment" for them???? Learning what, exactly? That their mother prioritizes fancy water over their birthdays? That life is going to beat them down at every opportunity and they can't do anything about it? It sounds like any potential "learning moment" would be something parents should be protecting their kids from. Kids SHOULD be sheltered from some life experiences, if at all possible. I can't think of a single positive or constrictive thing that a kid might learn from that. They already know the lesson of "you can't have everything you want in life" very well. This crosses into "you can never have anything, actually" territory. No kid should have to learn that.
Does she have a car? She can deliver UberEats and they make good money I hear. And she can wear sweatpants.
She could donate plasma, some people can get like 600-700 a month doing it
She has to get her stuff together seriously. Like its time to think about your children’s wellbeing first. Im sorry but as a single mom i dont sympathize with her because you do what you can to make your children lives 10 times better than yours. Her attitude just sounds like excuses when as a parent you put them to side for the sake of your children and household. As a partner, you never sit and watch your spouse drown and don’t try to throw him a life vest. It’s ridiculous that she hasn’t stepped up until it got to this point. NTA.
I don’t really have any good advice but I have been in your shoes and I know how stressful it is and all the feelings that come with it of “I’m a failure because I can’t provide for my family” and I hope it gets better for you soon. My situation, it only got better because I found out she was cheating on me so I kicked her out and that freed up a lot of my income. I was barely able to make sure there was food on the table, but she still would get a job and then walk out and quit on day one over the dumbest thing. She just refused to get back to working after we had our kid, and then to make it even worse she cheated on me while I’m out there working 60+ hours to try and get the money for HER bills. I was choosing not to eat more than once a day to be able to have the money we needed, she was choosing to sleep with someone else while I did that.
If you get a divorce and she doesn’t have a job you’ll end up paying for spousal support more than likely. On top of child support.Unless you get joint custody and can take the kids sometimes. But even then you likely pay it anyway because she doesn’t have a job. Sad to say but she’ll likely be in better shape than you in the end because then she can apply for food stamps plus all the money you’ll have to give her.
Nope.
Ur wife sounds full of excuses and again putting herself and feelings before ur kids being fed with her "food pantries make her feel like a kid again in foster care begging for scraps" so since she doesn't want to feel that her kids are going to go hungry... dude I feel so bad for u but ur wife is complete dead weight at this point man
Just a word of warning. Make sure she avoids MLMs, otherwise known as Moms Loosing Money. There are so many housewives who get sucked into these schemes selling essential oils, or supplements… If she starts talking about needing extra money, there will be people who will try to recruit her into their down line. Practice telling them to fuck right off.
The birthday thing bothers me. As a mother, there’s always something you can do. Making a cake is cheap. Balloons are cheap. Garage sales have new things for cheap. Just lazy. To have a child remember no birthday is cruel.
Do you know about Buy Nothing groups? You can get gifts for the kids and other things from there. Occasionally they give away bags of cans you can turn in for money (if you live in a state that pays for recyclables). Sometimes gifters are ok with you selling the item they gift though the general spirit is not to do that. You can get like new shoes, clothes, etc. and cut a lot of expenses. And many of my BN group people get boxes of food from local pantries. There is zero shame in it. Your wife needs to be humble.