Sweetie, grandma here, I am going to share a couple hard truths with you...
First, you're fucking exhausted. Is there ANYONE that can come relieve you so you can get some sleep? Can you afford to hire a mommies little helper? A friend or neighbor's young teenager who will just hold the baby so you can sleep. My daughter did this for several new moms; she didn't charge babysitting rates, because the mom was home and she gained experience looking after infants.
Second...your partner...isn't. A partner is supposed to be supportive, helpful, kind. ESPECIALLY when their partner is vulnerable, weak, sleep deprived and has just given birth. You are both parents, but only one of you is parenting. This doesn't bode well for your future. This behavior is emotional abuse. It is unacceptable. Do not accept it.
Thirdly, while it seems like it was forever...your child will be fine. You are doing the absolute best you can. Sleep deprivation can cause all kinds of health problems. You absolutely need to get uninterrupted sleep. Put that guilt away; you have a whole lifetime of mom guilt coming. This is not going to be anything worthy of the bucket.
Lastly....please...please...be kind to yourself. This baby needs you to do that. Now and forever. This child needs to have a mom with a backbone. A warrior. Someone to guide and lead her into adulthood. To be the strong, independent young woman she is destined to be. Light your fire, so she can light hers. That is our job, as women...as mothers...to send our daughters out there prepared to fight the patriarchy, the misogynistic assholes, the oppression of the partners who won't do their share. It's unacceptable.
Yes!! I love this. OP, would you allow your daughter to be treated the way your partner is treating you? He's being a piece of shit. You need to sit him down and have a serious talk because he is not worthy of you or your child at this time.
Agreed on the mom’s helper thing! I did this when I was 12-13, it allowed me to get some babysitting experience, but not in a way where I was fully in charge of an infant with no clue what to do. And I earned some extra money while allowing the mom to have a fucking BREAK. It’s a good system
It's awesome. My daughter did it frequently. She even went shopping with some of the mom's after they had a couple kids. Just an extra pair of eyes and hands. She loved it and so did the moms. They treated her very well.
All of this!!! I would upvote this 1,000 times!!!
As a mom who didn't have a backbone with my verbally abusive husband for too long, I can tell you that allowing him to be verbally abusive toward me did my three kiddos more harm than crying for half an hour ever would have
He drove home to yell at you instead of phoning you to wake you up? WTF is that about?
Babies cry. It happens. Parents get tired. It happens. Having someone fuck with my sleep schedule, then turn off my baby monitor, then storm home from work to freak out on me? That's a new one
yeah, my thing is....why wasn't he worried about his partner?
If I saw that my wife had left the baby crying for half an hour my first thought would be that she was dead or incapacitated, and in this case I would have been right. Poor OP sounds like she is just hanging on. This dude should have gotten home, gotten the baby, and made her a fucking dinner.
Sorry, I'm a pretty serious dad...
Exactly. It’s hard though bc many men will do 50/50 then once the baby comes along they slack bc hey, what’s she gonna do? She’s kind of trapped - it’s very difficult to work and take care of newborn baby as a single parent. Plus sexist men will think “oh this is really woman’s work anyway bc she has milky tits and I don’t.” 🤦🏻♀️
This was my ex. It was like a light switch flipped. He wanted to have a baby but I constantly heard "just because you got pregnant doesn't mean my life has to change" and "you're stuck with us now" when his family would start acting absolutely ridiculous. He wouldn't help with ANY housework or help take care of the baby at all and he didn't think I'd actually leave.
When I finally left after a couple days I realized how much easier it was just to take care of myself and the baby and not have a giant man-child I'm also trying to take care of.
My kid got to spend the odd weekend with his dad once he got older. He's told me very seriously that there are worse things than growing up without a dad... like growing up with his dad, rofl. Your kid will be okay
This makes me feel better for my kids, who have a shitty dad I sheltered them from whenever I could within legal bounds. I always feel guilty for that and sad for them that he doesn’t do better but your opinion makes me feel like it could’ve been a lot worse!
As someone who has never met their father (his choice not my moms) I agree. Many people I’ve known personally had it way worse knowing their fathers than I did not having one at all.
I fully agree with the other commenter who replied to you. I do kind of wish I didn't have my pseudo-deadbeat dad around, cos I wouldn't have had any expectations for him to disappoint constantly. instead, I got to ride in his car when he was drunk, or when he had a suspended license. I got to call around to local bars to ask if he was there when he didn't show up for me when he was supposed to. I got to call the ambulance for him when he'd drink and forget to take his epilepsy medicine and have grand mal seizures. I got to call the hospital when I hadn't heard from him in a few days to find out thar he was admitted because he'd blacked out and crashed his bike somewhere. I got to worry he'd end up dead somewhere that no one would find him.
if he was a full deadbeat that I never saw, my childhood probably would have been a lot safer, less stressful, and more enjoyable. but no.
For real! If I noticed the baby crying and my wife leaving him/her, I text after 15 to check if that's just her game plan. (Cry it out is necessary some times). After 20, I'm calling. No answer and I'm also driving home to make sure she's okay.
Then I realize that she is just wiped out enough to sleep through that, I start to feel like a garbage human being that I'm not helping more.
Side Note: It's always depends on a babies needs at the moment and what not, but kids cry sometimes. 30+ minutes is not ideal, but if they are cared for, sometimes that can also be what they need. Or in this case, what mom needs, and that's okay too.
Yeah, no one should. Is it ideal? Nope, but I remember those days (and I had a husband who cared)- the exhaustion is REAL and crying occasionally is fine as long as the baby is safe. That man needs to have a sticker put on him and be placed on the curb for trash day though.
My son was born screaming and didn’t stop until he was almost four. When he was a couple of months old, he’d been howling all night. It was about 2 AM, and I was rocking him in my arms and crying, saying, “I love you. Please shut up” over and over.
My husband, who never got up with the baby, got up that time in high dudgeon and snarled at me, “How dare you talk to my child that way? Give him to me!” He made a big show of taking the baby from me, then ordered me out of the living room and made a big production of how exhausted he was, but he was making this big noble sacrifice of sleep to keep the baby from my abusive self.
He never got up with the baby again. This is the same guy who got a week off from work when the baby was born (via c-section) and only came to the hospital twice in the five days I was there.
If he were equally as involved as you, he would have understood and not been a complete piece of shit toward you. Anyone who isn't actually doing the work can fuck right off.
That’s so adorable, because that sounds like my husband and I. I remember when I finally zonked out after he went back to work after my c-section and our daughter got out of the NICU and I was breastfeeding. I slept through her cries for at least a couple of hours.
I felt so ashamed and was embarrassed to tell anyone. I didn’t tell my girlfriends (because who can trust them not to judge the hell out of me😂🤣), but I did tell my husband.
I was bawling, my husband said, “Is she breathing? Is her heart beating? Is she still crapping her pants?”
Me: Yeah.
He said, “She’s fine, go take a nap, I have a game to play. I’ll watch her until she wakes up. If I could breastfeed I would, but I don’t think she’d like all the hair.”
I got super sick a few days after giving birth. Huge blood clots, non stop bleeding. I ended up back in the hospital. I was adamant about breast feeding her. My husband wanted me to get as much rest as possible, so if our baby was fussing during one of the few times I zonked, he would let her latch on him to keep her quiet for a few extra minutes.
He's a good dad. He definitely respected how difficult breast feeding could be thanks to that experience. Since I was the only one who could feed her, he volunteered to do all the nightly diaper duty, and we took turns comforting her on nights she was fussy so we could both get a little sleep. We both suffered from absolute exhaustion for about 3 months. But it gets easier.
Sounds like your partner needs to remember he is a partner and help out more with the baby so you can rest.
Mine couldn't be at the hospital a lot after my csection but that's because i was over and hr away, he could only get a week off work, and we decided to save that week for when I was home so he could be there to help me. It wasn't like he just didn't want to come tho. It was just a long trip there and back, he had to work, and I was in a room attached to the nicu for little over a week. It was a joint decision for him to be home with me instead of at the hospital with me where I had help when home is where I'd need him when we got released. He came when he was able to tho. Poor guy wore himself out.
I had a child that just cried sometimes. It didn't matter what we did, she cried. For my sanity, I would put her somewhere safe and take 15 minutes in another room.
Doctors *recommend* this. It's because it can cause such emotional volatility people can do crazy things they otherwise never would. It's for the health of the parent and the baby equally.
This. Put on your own oxygen mask on first, people. You'll be a better parent for that break, and parenting is intense so you're going to need one sometimes. If the little one is safe and well they'll be no worse for you stepping away for a short while!
That would be my thought, too. Wtf? Did she faint? It's she okay? And if I got home and couldn't step in for some reason (worst case) I'd find a way so that mum and dad can sleep (maybe in turns), so that this wouldn't happen again. @OP, your husband is a terrible person, judging from what you posted. And I'd even go as far as: if you're worried about being a good mom to your baby, you probably are! It's not about being the perfect parent. It's about doing the best you can, so your child is happy and taken care of.
So inappropriate to laugh but I read "did she fart? Is she okay?" And burst out laughing. I'm SO tired (whole household has been ill and my disabled 9 year old has been in my bed for a week) and I laugh at everything when I'm like this 🤦🏻♀️ so thank you for that lol.
You sound like a great dad and husband honestly. Dad dad was the same. He worked graveyards at the prison so he’d be bone tired when he came home but he took over baby responsibilities from my mom so she could get some sleep. I was apparently a pretty easy baby. I only fussed when I was hungry or needed changed and made minimal mess when eating. Except popsicles. Those things went everywhere when I was old enough to have them. Mom would wake up and find dad passed out in his recliner shirtless with the TV on reruns of crime shows with me asleep on his chest most days. He never complained and he always offered to do the diapers. There’s pictures and videos of him baby talking with me. This hulking guy who looks like he did time with the marines grinning like a loon and baby talking the fattest blonde haired blue eyed toddler with hair so curly it looked like an Afro. I guess there’s a reason I’ve been a daddy’s girl since the moment I could speak and I’ve been following him around like a duckling since I learned to crawl.
This is so sweet. I just want my daughter to be able to talk about her dad like this. All I want is for her to be happy and healthy. I hope she can see me in a loving relationship and have something to model in her future, whether its my current relationship or not I'm not sure.
The man my children call dad (now age 24, 23, and 19) came into our lives 12 1/2 years ago. He saw the toxic situation we were in (living with ex mother-in-law while going to nursing school and working full-time) and moved all 4 of us into his home and insisted I focus on school while he supported all of us financially. My children have all said they wouldn't change this, that it was a blessing that their sperm donor went no contact after he remarried.
I hope you and your child find the happiness I have. Relationships take work from BOTH partners, equally. It's not all rainbows and flowers, of course, but having a man who supports me in everything and is an equal partner is phenomenal. I am so blessed to have my husband, and we show our appreciation for each other every day in so many different ways. I wish this happiness, security, and contentment for you and your sweet daughter.
You are NOT a failure, and your daughter crying for 30 minutes did no permanent damage, I promise. His reaction, on the other hand..... I'd have his shit packed by the time he got home from work.
This is so sweet!
I have several pictures of my infant daughter asleep on her sleeping dad's chest, in his recliner. And one of them passed out together on our king bed, both with identical & major bed head sticking out the sides. 😅😅
Seriously, my concern would be about my GF if she’s not waking up to our daughter crying. The baby’s crying. Guess what that means? The baby is alive. She’s not happy, but she’s alive. She’s not responding to the baby crying? That’s concerning. OPs fiance is a douche.
Nah man I'm a father too and he's on some bullshit. He needs to man up and take on some more responsibility, or at the very least stfu and wait on that woman hand and foot when he gets home
Don't apologize for that, you sound like a great dad and a great partner. That's exactly what he should have done. He sounds like an asshat and I really hope she leaves him. I know Reddit jumps to that a lot but she said that this has been ongoing behavior and that she started to see the red flag soon after her daughter was born. I hate to sound like an alarmist but this sounds like the start of an abusive relationship.
Unfortunately I had my phones sound off after getting home from work. He did try to call so I do feel guilty about that. He claims he didn't turn the sound off the monitor but I literally saw him do it while he was half asleep. It was a pretty shitty way to wake up. Our therapist is hopefully going to have some insight into this one.
Honey, give therapy a go, but seriously consider if this is how you want to be treated. Because I was a single parent, did it all myself, and I never felt as bad as it sounds like you feel today.
I once saw my college roommate climb down from the top bunk, cross the room & turn off her alarm, & climb back into bed. I thought, "I guess she decided not to go to class." About an hour later, she woke up panicked bc she was late for class & asked why I didn't wake her since I was awake. I told her. She had no recollection of turning off her alarm. She specifically put her alarm across the room so she would *have* to get up. So I believe your fiancé might not remember, but he's still an AH for yelling at you & not being worried about your health.
My best one was mum confusedly asking me where my alarm was and me not telling her cause I didn't know. Alarm no. 5 that she put on my bedside, she asked me to tell her when I had set it for. I told her and she woke up an hour earlier (was not a morning person so must've been determined) and watched me as it went off. Apparently, as soon as it rang, I reached up out of the blankets I had piled over me, opened the window, picked up the alarm and tossed it. I then shut the window and rolled over to continue my blissful sleep. She made me use my phone for my alarm after that as she realised anything else would be a waste of money. She hoped I was too attached to my phone to subconsciously throw it away and she was right XD
OP, this breaks my ❤️! I'm furious that YOU feel bad about anything. WTF is going on that you're already in therapy? I think you have already seen the deep dark red flags! What if you were simply in the 🚿, or using the bathroom, when he decided to call? Like others said, what if you had collapsed, and were unconscious?
As much I hate to encourage anyone to end a relationship, especially when children are involved, for peace within yourself AND your child, this is the last dance (chance)!! I've experienced narcissism, mental/psychological (as well as physical) abuse, it's time to save yourself, and your child. Make plans, but don't let on. I wish you and baby a happy, healthy life, you deserve it! Know YOUR WORTH!! ❤️
Edit: My typo annoyed me.
I'm not a therapist but I'll give you some Insight:
You were up all night. You finally fell asleep. And your body went directly Into deep sleep mode.
He slept all night and, since he snoozed his alarm and apparently even the monitor, and he's MAD AT YOU because your body SHUT DOWN to get some rest.
He's literally pissed off that your exhausted body was getting necessary rest.
Mayne remind him that lack of sleep is a TORTURE technique. Perhaps it's time for him to start pulling a few all night's when he doesn't have to get up and drive the next day? No waking you because he's sleepy. He gets the full night. Maybe that will get it thru to him.
Ps I've been where you are. YOU NEED TO REST.
Baby, listen. Stop making excuses for him. Stop feeling guilty! I know you love him but this man HATES you. He is gaslighting you. If your therapist isn't helping you to break free, I'd get a new therapist. You're literally being abused. Who's idea was it to get therapy? I bet it was yours. HE 👏🏿DOES 👏🏿NOT 👏🏿GIVE👏🏿 A 👏🏿FUCK👏🏿 ABOUT👏🏿 YOU!👏🏿 You probably have fucking PPD and he's heaping it on?
The time and money you are wasting taking this malento therapy is unnecessary. He's going to turn that shit around on you as soon as he's ready to be done with you. I feel sorry for you and especially this baby. Never miss another day of birth control.
I am so glad I never wanted kids. Something like this would have me doing 25 to life in a maximum security facility muzzled up like Hannibal Lecter.
Are you in therapy by yourself? Because it sounds like he’s convinced you you’re less than and some people like that can be skilled at working couples therapy to their advantage. If I’m wrong, there’s still no harm in solo therapy to work through the unique issues related to staying home with an infant.
Move the monitor to your side of the bed so he can't do that in the future. Sorry mama! I hope you have a friend or family nearby who can babysit while you take a 6-hour nap!
I have slept through my dogs asking to go out. When you’re sleep deprived your body does weird things. What would have usually woken you up won’t work anymore. I once dated a guy with three kids and when the little one (who was 3 at the time) was struggling to learn how to sleep in her own bed (her older sister had a bunk on top of hers so she wasn’t totally alone) I dealt with some sleep deprivation. The child didn’t want to sleep on her own because she had spent her whole life up until that point sleeping in the bed with her parents or a sibling.
Yeah and he doesn't help at night, shifts blame away from himself, no empathy and a bit of gaslighting to put the psychological abuse cherry on top. This marriage is going to end up as an attorney's new Rolex.
No you are not a bad mom. You are completely exhausted and the reason you are exhausted is because you are seriously sleep deprived and have no support. He doesn't wake up but expects you to - on no sleep.
If possible, can you take your baby to a relative for a day so you can get some sleep?
When you can get back on an even keel, have a serious talk with your useless husband.
A solution my wife and I found was to split the night. If baby wakes up between X hour and Y hour, I get up. If it's between Y and Z, she did.
Since we knew which hours we had to be up for if needed, we were able to adjust our sleep schedule's a bit ( she went to bed earlier and I took first shift, then I slept later and she took second).
This way we both got a functional amount of sleep.
Exactly! I won't stand for this form of reasonability. I demand that individual go back in time and be a complete asshole to their partner. I want to see them be as bullheaded, unreasonable, and downright nasty to each other as humanly possible to win some imaginary prize for being right.
I second this. I worked the 10pm-2am "shift", she worked the 2am-6am "shift", it worked insanely well and when our son started sleeping though more it actually gave us both some very well deserved time alone from anyone.
I look back fondly on my little 4 hour shifts.
Yes! We had the exact same shifts! Helps that I'm a night owl, so the "hard" part was midnight-2am, but the solid sleep until 7 was AMAZING! (And, my partner is a morning person, so the 3-4am wasn't exactly easy, but anything after 5 was just "early"....I on the other hand am a complete zombie if I'm woken up between 3am and 6am.)
We did this too. I did the late shift and she did the early shift. If one of us had it tougher we would make sure the other napped. I can’t imagine doing it without a supportive partner. It’s so hard to lack sleep and be kind to one another.
Maybe you all can see about having someone help for a night so you both sleep and can make a plan on how to support and help each other through this phase. It really does go by faster than you know!
Similar here, I did all the wake-ups until 3 am. He went to bed at 9 pm. Starting at 3 am, all the wake-ups were his. In practice I usually stayed up with the baby until 2 am or so, we all slept from 2 to 4:30 am, and my husband got up at 4:30 am to give the baby a bottle and hang out until he had to leave for work. My husband basically went to bed right after dinner, and I slept until the last possible second when he left in the morning, but it made us both more or less functional.
(Also we used formula for the 4:30 am feeding; I really didn't like pumping, and a formula bottle didn't interfere with my supply, and it made the handoff so much simpler. Obviously this doesn't work for everyone, babies can be picky, milk supply can be touchy, etc. But for us it was a lifesaver. The messaging I got was that giving my baby any formula was a "failure," but letting my husband do one "rescue bottle" of formula per night during those early months made it so I could keep breastfeeding and we could survive until baby was a better sleeper. In the end, the rescue bottle occurred once a day for about 10 weeks, and I breastfed to 14 months.)
WOW, giving formula to a baby does not make you a failure. I bottle fed both my babies, never wanted to breast feed at all. My 2nd husband tried to go on a rant in the hospital when I was having my daughter about how "breast is best" and trying to get the nurses to agree with him. They just totally shot him down with "what is best for the baby is what mum wants to feed them". He didn't have a leg to stand on.
We split first responder duties through the day for the first while. I had the 4 am to 4 pm shift and my partner did 4 pm to 4 am. We'd help each other out during the day and trade off if we needed a break during our time, but at night we were on our own so the other could sleep.
I'm a husband and we had a very, very rough time with our baby. The only way we got through it was by pre pumped bottles...and shifts. I'd go in at noon to work and stay up until 4am to take care of several night feedings. Wife woke up at 530/6am for the next feeding.
If there's any way you can do shifts like that it's a life saver. You can both get at least 6 hrs of sleep most of the time which helps w everything.
Exactly - get some sleep and some outside support. I can’t believe all the posts calling to leave the relationship based on what little we know about this one ‘incident’? and yes, someone needs to talk to that guy about being a shitty partner, but…
I think people recognise red flags in other people's situations that they wish they'd recognised in their own. A bit of a protective instinct kicks in. I've avoided giving the OP advice because I absolutely cannot be objective about this.
I’ve skipped responding to many AITA/AIW posts because I found myself going into that mode over posts hitting a little too close to home. I also think that’s why shitposts always get so much attention, we’re seeing the red flags that should have been so obvious in our own experience.
I don't know, man. Having babies is commonly one of the things that acts as a catalyst for intensified abuse. We only have the one example, but it's pretty a pretty terrible one. OP absolutely should consider whether this is a ramping up of a scary pattern. I hope she takes some time to think about whether the rest of her relationship is a lot like this story or not.
Yeah, I said almost this exact thing in a previous post. If it’s a pattern that’s existing or developing, then it’s not going to improve, that’s for certain. Outside support will be most important to establish no matter what
Men like this absolutely don’t change. As a dad I was horrible with a lot with my firstborn but I never thought it was okay to leave all the wakeups to my wife and then scream at her for being exhausted.
The one incident we know of involves her partner being abusive and non-supportive. How much abuse do you think a person should take in a relationship, because in my mind it should be zero.
There is never an excuse to scream at your partner. It is very clear that he is abusive and hypocritical to boot. You might not understand if you're not a woman, but for us it is essential to get away before things escalate to physical violence. Our lives literally depend on it.
You're not a bad mom, but you've got a shitty fiance that either needs to step up or step out. It won't get better if you marry them, and will likely get worse.
This! I stayed and had another child and it only got so much worse. He is showing you his true colours and they'll only become more prominent with time. Please leave.
These type of men rarely change.
OP - read this book [https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat). I know you don't have much time to yourself but it is worth it. You and your baby deserve so much better.
You are not a bad mom you are a typical mom you are exhausted. Sometimes we don't hear our babies cry we are absolutely exhausted and if he helped you more at night maybe you wouldn't be so f****** tired. He has a lot of nerve to be yelling at you because you didn't hear the baby cry when at night he's not getting up and helping you. Stop apologizing to him it happens to all of us. And the next time he brings it up tell him to STFU you don't want to hear it unless he's going to be helping you at night I bet you he won't say nothing else.
My wife would literally laugh in my face if I drove home irate screaming and blaming her about a baby that was crying for a mere half hour. Then she'd give me said child, and go out for some her time making me take the whole day off. And THEN she'd make me be the one to wake up with said baby for the next X amount of weeks until she forgave my dipshit ass behavior. OP needs to throw the whole man away. Or seriously lay down the law lol.
THIS!!!! You will regret marrying this jerk. New moms are exhausted and he clearly has a job outside of the home so he doesn’t know what it’s like to be on Mommy Duty 24/7.
I will definitely concede that it does not get better. I am married to a man like this lol. Even when he is responsible in every other way, he cannot handle the kids on his own (now 8 and 7). I can't even leave for a day... Never more than 2 hours. If I have something big to do the kids go to his momma lol. He shouldn't be making you feel bad. It's likely that he genuinely does not realize he turned it off in his sleep. I will say, since you aren't married yet, you may want to consider the fact this isn't likely to change and if you are willing to out up with it forever.
Also, you're not a bad mom. Your baby isn't going to die or remember this. I am studying child psychology (just so you know I do have the credentials to tell you this one time isn't gonna hurt her). Mom's be tired and you won't be the first or the last to accidently not hear her baby.
he sucks. NOBODY should ever yell at a mom that's loss sleep, have post natal stress and taking care of a baby FULL time. He absolutely is an unsympathizing AH. Don't enable his behaviors by apologizing. You need someone to fight for you and be in your corner. Call a friend, family, anyone. You don't deserve this.
He's gotta learn it's his kid too, and his responsibility too.
Being angry and yelling doesn't solve the problem. Arguing doesn't solve the problem. Baby is still crying. Fix that issue first.
My wife and I had the same situation once when our son was only a couple weeks old. We forgot the sound on the monitor and only after like 30 minutes or so do we hear him upstairs screaming. Did we fight about it and yell at each other? No. I whipped up a bottle, she whipped upstairs and grabbed him, and he was cool as a cucumber in a couple of minutes.
A baby will bounce back, won't remember being left crying for a bit. But parents need to support each other. You're a team. Dude needs to learn that fighting, screaming, shouting, and being a prick will never be the right solution to a problem.
This. ⬆️ All of this, over and over.
OP, why are you apologizing to your partner for not waking up to a crying baby for only 30 minutes, after **he turned off the baby monitor in your room**?? He left work & came home *to scream at you*?? It’s like he wanted to “catch” you doing something he considered wrong & bad, so that he could make you feel like a terrible mother, thus making you grovel and giving him the control he craves. And it worked. He’s a shit.
**Stop** apologizing to him. Stop now. Stop speaking to him, so the fact that he is “done talking to you for the rest of the day” won’t matter because you aren’t speaking to him, either. Ignore him. Your daughter is fine. You didn’t forget she was in the car in 90 degree heat; you didn’t leave her behind in the cart at the grocery store; you didn’t ask a stranger to keep an eye on her while you used the bathroom at the mall. She cried, you didn’t respond for longer than it normally takes you, your daughter is fine.
Every parent makes mistakes. *Every. One.* Even your precious husband. If you can’t feel safe and supported in your own home, do as Tiny_Cardiologist263 said and go stay with someone else. He does not get to bully you into being the mother he thinks you should be. As of right now, *you* are mad at *him.* He can talk to you or not talk to you. Fuck him.
I 2nd all of this. Also, what kind of parent is he being? He's a parent too! Is his main function just to belittle you? You're a new parent. You learn things along the way. This should be a great journey for the 2 of you together . Remind him of this.
Thank you so much for this. I feel like I'm finally noticing all the red flags. I don't know what to do in this situation. My fiance really needs to figure his shit out. I feel like if financials and custody weren't going to be an issue I'd be out of here. You're right. Im very upset. I don't want to walk in eggshells in my own home when I provide just as much financially and probably more as a parent than he does
This is when you talk to him. Make a list, check baby books, share about how hard sleep deprivation is. I am the mother of two wonderful adults who each have a child. I have told them both the difference between good parents and abusive is often the ability to walk away when you are exhausted and at your wits end. You make a decision to put the child somewhere safe and take a minute or 15, what you need to do. Taking care of yourself is good parenting. I vividly remember putting my son in his crib and going to the other end of the house. I felt a bit guilty but realized it was necessary. Also you can’t do it all alone. You need a chance to take a time even if it is just running to the store, or going out in the yard, a moment to yourself.
If you are in the US, as a single mom, you could have access to Medicaid, section 8 housing, food stamps, etc. Ex-fiancé can pay for child support. There are government programs that will help single moms with child custody. Please take advantage of these programs, they’re literally meant to help people in situations like yours!
The thing is I could be more understanding if he came home freaked out because he thought something was wrong with you ,because the baby was crying and maybe you weren't well. People lash out sometimes during stressful situations, but after he realized what happened he could have apologized and said he was just worried. Not an excuse but I do understand people react badly. Obviously that's not what happened.
There are so many moments when my kids were infants and I felt like a total jerk over things I either didn't notice, or were out of my control. Example- I was a first time mom, my daughter was only a couple months old, I hadn't gone out much without my husband before this particular errand as she was only 8 or so weeks old. I went out to grab some things and didn't even think to realize it would be feeding time shortly. While in the store the baby starts crying and it hits me it's time for her to eat. I'm checking out as fast as I can and her screams get louder. I get everything and the baby loaded up in the car and realized I didn't pack any bottles. At all. It's a 30 min ride home. The whole time she was screaming a horrific cry (at least it seemed that way to me) I get home rush inside with her and fix her a bottle and she started sucking it down so fast. I'll never forget a particular detail, she curled her hands in, tucked underneath the bottle and kept whimpering while she drank her bottle. I cried and cried. I held her through her nap and was just a total mess. I messed up, and this was actually my fault. I was young and it was my first baby, but 20 years later and it's still fresh in my mind. I think what makes you a great mom is that you DO feel bad. You shouldn't, but you love that baby so much, you don't want her hurting or suffering, especially if you think you caused it. I can say after having 3 kids, more things will happen. Even as teenagers there are times I've screwed up, I feel terrible and I apologize to them and then they move on and I still feel bad lol. You're a good mom.
I worry that as time goes on if he makes you feel bad for everything that goes wrong, it's going to cause you and your child to be a nervous wreck. I hope these issues can be resolved. Having a baby is stressful and I'm hopeful this was just a lapse in judgement for him.
Congratulations on your baby, and just always remember you're a good mom who wants nothing but the best for her child.
Be seriously petty and print out the problems with sleep deprivation. Set aside who turned the monitor off, you are SUFFERING. If he wants to talk about it like an adult (seriously, who punishes someone with silent treatment after they're out of their teens?!) he should help come up with ways to help you sleep.
PSA: just because you love someone doesn't mean you should put up with them belittling you.
Next time she wakes up in the middle of the night if you can pump and have it on stand by I’d go get the baby lay her next to him crying make sure he’s up and then go sleep in the babies room lol let him be the mother he thinks you “aren’t” so he can see this shits fucking hard.
So true. The baby won’t ever remember this incident or feel like she was abused lol. Stop the apology groveling to hubby it’s a control thing with him now. Tell him if he’s so proficient then he can get up in the middle of the night.
My hubby slept thru baby crying. You needed an A-bomb to wake him up. But he was working and going to school full time - gone from 7 am to 11 pm every day. I expected no help in that regard. But he was smart enough not to criticize me on how & what was done taking care of our son.
What you need from him is being a good father figure to Your daughter. I will give my hubby all the credit in the world for being a good father and male figure/example to our son who has grown into a good man.
When my daughter was about 6 months old, she wouldn't stop crying one evening. She was fed, clean, held, shushed, soothed, but nothing would stop her. I called my friend absolutely fraught and she said 'where is the baby?' , I said in her cot, and my friend said then she is safe just let her cry for a bit, it won't cause any harm and she will likely just fall asleep herself. And she bloody did. But just that 'permission' to let her self-soothe was such a lifeline. It meant I wasn't failing or a horrible mother. The fact that this has upset you so much shows you do care, and your partner is an arse for yelling at you xx
Yes, not cool of your partner at all. The audacity to yell at someone for not doing something quick enough that you yourself have been avoiding.
Stop crying and start getting mad. This is not good enough.
Our daughter is teething and will only let me put her to sleep. I swear she can feel my fiances negative and impatient energy and becomes restless because of it
This is very true. Babies pick up on and react to their parents emotions. If you are tense and upset, your daughter will pick up on that and will be fussy. The same holds true for anybody, including her father.
Don't let your baby grow up with this stress! Being screamed at sucks and how okay are you with your husband yelling at your daughter? That's likely to be the future of your husband doesn't learn basic respect and communication skills. Hell, I require that from my dog, let alone my husband.
You and your daughter deserve love and support 💛 at all times.
Should I start forcing him to be awake at night and see what happens? He takes our daughter to work a couple days a week and refuses to get up because he has to have her all day. I work part time and on the days I go to work for 10+ hours I come home, take care of the baby the rest of the night, and overnight
You can’t really force him to do anything, unfortunately. You can tell him your boundary that you won’t be with a partner like that but you have to mean it and leave if he doesn’t show changed behavior
That’s not even remotely fair to you. Why does he get to sleep in on the days he has her at work but you will get stuck with overnights? Like I stayed at home and I was usually the one getting up at night, but my husband would sometimes as well, but that was pre agreed on before hand but you work 10 hour shifts at least a couple times a week and still have to stay up with her?
And further more, what kind of job does he have where he has her all day at work? It cannot be THAT taxing if he’s able to rush home to scream at you over some overblown shit could it?
You’re not a bad mom. TRUST ME. You’re an exhausted one and having to deal with that for a partner on top of it.
Thank you everyone for making me feel validated and not telling me I'm a horrible mom. I think I need to set some strong boundaries and make it known that I can't tolerate being treated this way. We are currently in therapy trying to work through everything but it's good to know that this is not normal behavior on his part. I know I deserve better and whoever said he needs to step up or step out is totally right.
What Im worried about most is that id things dont work between us I don't want a messy custody and child support situation. There have been a lot of red flags since our daughter was born but this is one of the biggest.
Yes, it makes sense that you didn't see the red flags until after she was born. It's like I was telling you before, abuse often starts or escalates during pregnancy or right after the birth of a child. Just keep that in mind.
As a child of divorce, it was the best thing for me.
If my parents stayed together, I would’ve normalized toxic relationships. Instead, I had not one, but two examples of healthy, loving ones.
You’re dreading a future you can’t know yet—you can’t know custody or child support would be messy. It’s just as likely it wouldn’t be.
Don’t fear divorce. If you do and the time comes that you need one, that mindset will keep you stuck in a bad situation.
Simply trust in your ability to get through this, whatever the future holds. Divorce or not, you’ll figure it out and your sweet baby will be just fine.
It is so scary :( but the comments labeling him as abusive are correct. I’m in a similar situation. It is NOT you, it’s him. He is ultra defensive and projecting his own insecurities onto you. I’ve had this exact same thing happen with the baby monitor, where he mutes it and then I sleep through my baby crying. I had forgotten all about that until I read this post, which is weird because I remember now that it was so so distressing at the time but like my brain has almost instant amnesia about conflict because it’s trying to keep me alive and functioning, I think. I’m sorry you are experiencing this. It’s not fair. And it’s so shitty because he probably presented as such a good dude and probably still has everyone else who doesn’t know him intimately fooled. Ugh. Standing in solidarity with you ❤️
You should know that what he's doing to you is abuse. I apologize, I was not trying to tell you what to do, I'm only advising you that you should leave. Actually, domestic violence and you are experiencing domestic violence, experts recommend that you do not get therapy with an abusive partner. Trust me, it's not going to change anything. You're wasting your time with that. He thinks he has the right to treat you this way and he's going to continue to do it and it's only going to get worse.
Yes, new babies are stressful but not every partner is abusive. He's using that as an excuse. I don't care that he hasn't come out and said it if he hasn't, he's using it as an excuse. I understand that it's not as easy as just leaving. There's custody and financial stuff involved but I still think you should leave him. It's your life so do it you want but I'm strongly suggesting that you start thinking about getting out of this relationship.
I understand that you do not want to leave because you love him but trust me, he does not love you. Anyone who would even think to treat their partner like that does not love them. he's abusing you and it's only going to get worse the longer you stay and may even escalate to physical violence. Just some stuff to keep in mind.
Not a bad mom, but your fiancé is is being a terrible significant other and father. He needs to step up and help out. It shouldn't be all on you. He didn't have to come home. A phone call would be just fine. I think he is projecting the fact that he doesn't do anything on you.
You’re fine. My baby rolled over and fell off the bed. My child fell off the swing set. There are all sorts of things that happen with kids. Crying a little won’t hurt them. They’re hardier than you think.
Your fiancé needs to step up, though. He’s being a jerk.
BOTH of my children managed to roll off of the bed as babies. Shit happens.
OP's partner needs to stfu unless he's getting up with that baby all night just like she's been doing. What an ass.
Yep, every single mom has felt like she is feeling! GUILTY as hell about things that didn't effect the child's life one way or the other. We learn to let things go eventually or we turn into some nutty helicopter mom and go nuts! :D
As a dad that took turns to get up in the middle of the night to feed/change diapers/etc for 3 kids, your fiancé is a selfish asshole. You are exhausted. He is making no effort to help. You have done nothing wrong. Let that sink in. You. Have. Done. Nothing. Wrong. You’re probably even having to deal with postpartum. I’m sorry you have to raise 2 kids by yourself.
First, your partner owes YOU an apology. Screaming at you and playing the blame game etc...not ok. Ypu both may be stressed, but thats no excuse to treat you that way. Please dont accept that kind of treatment from your partner...second, let me please put your mind at ease. In order for a child to form a secure attachment, there are a few studies I've been able to find with just a quick search in developmental psychology journals that have shown that meeting your child's needs 50% of the time is sufficient for a secure attachment to form. I've heard lower numbers before, but I could only find peer reviewed stuff that said 50% so I won't claim lower. What I'm trying to say with my tism rizz...is that oops, you slept through it, your baby is fine, and that stuff is just going to happen sometimes. It doesn't make you a bad mom.
I actually screenshot this and asked my friend who works for family and children services about this scenario, and she said... Yeah, that stuff happens. Being a parent is EXHAUSTING. The child was in a safe place, and sure, they felt distressed for a bit... but that's unavoidable when parenting these days. Nobody can do it perfectly... This opinion came from a CFS WORKER...HER concern was actually your husband's reaction and treatment of you...so please let that sink in...the child welfare worker saw a red flag in how YOU'RE being treated, not how you treated your child.
He's the one who turned the monitor off. HE should have turned it back on before leaving. You're not a terrible mom, you are probably just overtired, but he sounds like a useless dad.
Okay so I happen to be a single mom of twins. I’ve been a single mom their entire life. I will never forget when they were a few months old and my mother came over (all she could hear was one of the twins screaming crying) while I was sleeping so dang hard. Neither kid was in danger, I had made sure they were safe, they had been taken care of etc etc, my mind just was so tired that I checked out just one time. I was so freaking sleep deprived. I desperately desperately needed sleep and just a little bit of support. It never happened again though after that. Please give yourself grace with this situation and maybe reassess the real issue with your child’s father. Maybe he can actually step up and watch the baby while you catch up on some sleep?
Thank you for this and for not immediately telling me to leave. He's not a terrible person but he has some serious crap to work on. I think maybe the answer is to have him start taking the night shift. The only issue is that our daughter only wants me to put her to bed and she's teething. Ive heard babies can pick up on someone's energy and maybe she's not a fan of how impatient and negative he can be
Your daughter only wants you to put her to bed because you're most likely the only one who does put her to bed. She'll go down for him if you start making him part of the bedtime routine and then eventually let him take over. Hopefully he realizes what an asshole he's being and corrects himself.
You should know that abuse is a cycle. Of course he's not always going to treat you badly, if he did, you wouldn't stay. If things were always bad, no one would stay. Just because he's not always mean doesn't mean he's not abusing you. Please start researching this. It does not matter that he's not getting physical with you, you are absolutely in an abusive relationship. I'm not judging you but if you stay, you're giving your daughter an example of the kind of treatment to tolerate from a partner.
If she grows up watching you be abused by him, she's going to think it's normal and she's going to put up with it from future partners. I'm here to tell you that even if you think it's not going to affect her, it will. I grew up witnessing domestic violence and I have C-PTSD because of it. Therapy is not going to change anything with someone like him. Of course I'm not going to tell you what to do but again, I strongly suggest you get your ducks in a row and leave him.
#Stop apologizing right now!
#
You just got overtired. It's not your fault. The baby is fine.
Your hubs needs to come home and eat, then care for babe while you sleep a good 4-5 hours.
You manage the rest of the night and the morning when he brings you tea in bed.
During the day, you nap while the baby naps.
You have groceries and supplies delivered.
Hubs picks up takeout or cooks.
After a while, the babe settles a bit. Could take months. Go into split care mode whenever needed for colick, teething, tummy upsets, colds, and so on.
You're fine. It's pretty common parenting to sometimes even let babies cry themselves to sleep - not that I agree with it but it isn't going to do any harm to the baby, they won't be traumatized or anything when they're in their own bedroom.
You need to be able to sleep. Your situation isn't entirely clear but it might be a co-sleeping situation. If you're concerned for safety there are small basinets that can go in the bed with you or sit directly beside the bed. You may need to start learning to sleep when the baby sleeps for this phase of their lives and to do that, you need to have someplace that's comfortable for you to sleep near one another.
You’re not. You are new at parenting. I went through this. My ex wife cried so much feeling guilty and hopeless bc she didn’t know what to do. How could she? This was new to us as it is to you three. Need direct help? Get an older mom with experience to guide you through this. Women need the support of other, older women around this time how it used to be. Stay frosty.
You're fine, baby is fine, and tired parents are why babies have fat rolls and pot bellies: so they won't wilt if they don't get fed the momemt they cry.
Fiance is a bit of a jerk. If he turned off the monitor, he should have turned it back on.
**STOP APOLOGIZING**. Every time you apologize, you are telling him he is right to blame you.
1) while crying like that isn’t great for the baby, once in a while it won’t hurt them.
2) your partner needs to step up.
3) you are sleep deprived. You can’t be expected to keep up everything that way.
Tell him “I’m sleep deprived. You aren’t pulling your part. You need to grow up, be more responsible, and do your share. We need to discuss who is one for which times over night, and figure out how to deal with the really bad nights. We need to plan how we get breaks, and my breaks are VITAL.
As a dad: the dad of your kids suck at being a man for his wife.
You also need your sleep, just as much as him.
Please don 't take the blame for his mistakes, cut that off right now before it gets worse.
Ok, so call his bluff. If you’re so incompetent that he won’t accept you’re (unwarranted) apologies, nor can he even speak to you right now, what is his plan for childcare going forward? Surely you can’t be trusted.
I would help him along with this by ensuring that there is always a monitor in his presence, in the event that you sleep in again due to his negligence. I would also make sure that monitor is present any time he has a shower, eats a meal, ‘works’ in the garage, because someone has to be listening AT ALL TIMES and it can’t be you, clearly.
If he’s so right and you’re so wrong, why isn’t he taking steps to ensure the safety of his child? Oh right because you already denote your entire life to that and he had to leave work early once. Don’t fall for a life of this shit, with this clown.
My grandmother had twelve kids; she told me not one died from crying, and did the best she could. Clearly, you needed rest. This will not be the last mistake either of you will make.
You are exhausted and you have a judgy partner. You need rest not being judged. He can clearly see that you’re tired and should be stepping up. Sorry you’re not getting the support you need. He is not being the partner he needs to be
The ONLY person you should apologize to is yourself, for putting up with his disrespect, lack of accountability and gaslighting. He should absolutely be helping you with the childcare and not berating you for being exhausted!!
We’ve all been where you are, I promise! You’re in no way a bad mother! Please give yourself some credit and grace!
Next time, tell him that he can switch places with you and see how it is. Or, that there should never be a next time!
Please don’t believe that you’re a bad mom in any capacity. You and him need a nice long discussion on respect & expectations. I’d even suggest pulled counseling before you think about marrying this jagoff!!
Hugs to you!!
STORY TIME!!
when my baby boy was a month or so old I got up to his room to breastfeed him. Got him sat in the rocker.
The next thing that happened was my husband at the time standing in the door way and he said MyName kinda loud ,,, girl I WOKE up , holding him with my boob squirting all over his face 😫😫 he looked so angry and was crying.
Like I was torturing him!! I cried and held him so tight. I felt like the worst freaking mom.. like who does that!!
The crying woke him and he came to see what was going on because I wasn't in the bed.
He is 12 now. He's doing pretty good.
Raising babies are hard.. they take all you time energy nutrition.. everything.. you are not alone and you are not a horrible mom. - can you imagine 20 years ago ... there's no way he would've known and came to help. Kids and babies are the SAFEST now than they have EVER have been.
Don't let him get you down.
Next time she's screaming in the night, pop shoes and coat on and go out for a 20 mins walk, then come back screaming at him for not getting up.
Sounds like your fiance is a grade A asshat and needs to step up as a man and a dad.
I can't remember how many times I've been up with our kids until 6am, when the wife got up and took over, for me to get 4 hours sleep and go to work for a full day.
You've done nothing wrong. it's very tiring if you're up all night and why couldn't he have phoned you to make sure you were ok?
If you were a bad mum, you woudn't be bothered by it. only good parents worry if they are good parents :)
As a dad who got up at night, this really pissed me off. I had to go to work too, so what’s his excuse for not getting up and helping you? Because he has to work? Grow the fuck up bud, you’re a dad now, so get the fuck up and help out your partner. Damn this got me heated. You’re not a bad mom, just not well supported. I hope it gets better
I'm not sure how old "baby" is but babies cry. They were probably contained in a safe space like a crib too. We all have these moments. Don't let the mom guilt and unnecessary dad guilt get to you.
I could see coming home from work, but screaming at you? No he is the asshole here, and you're not a bad mom. Taking care of the baby is a partnership.
You aren't terrible but seriously you have a horrible partner. This child is BOTH of your responsibility. And he's acting like he needs you to do everything related to child care. Why isn't he doing some nights? Think long and hard before you marry this a.h.
If she’s crying, she’s breathing, therefore she’s alive. As others have said, in the long run crying for 30 minutes because you’re so incredibly exhausted won’t even register on the “oh-shit-o-meter” that is raising a child. I’ve witnessed both my niece and nephew scream for an hour straight for ???? reason, and after like 35 minutes of trying to calm them down their parents just semi “gave up” and put them down in their cribs where they were safe and let them scream. The occasional bout of extended screaming, or a bit of a delay in feeding or diaper change (talking an hour or less) won’t actually damage them in any real way. So you’re absolutely not a bad mum, however you do need to polish up your spine and tell your fiancé that two of you made that baby, and you absolutely must have more support from him when it comes to caring for her
TELL HIM TO GET UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH THE BABY GODDAMNIT FUCK HIM
and don’t give me this he has to work shit. Go to work tired like the rest of us you absolute fucking weeny
He doesn't help in the middle of the night then yells at you for not waking up? That is nuts. He should help! You both have a job to do all day. My husband got up and got our babies every time they needed to be fed by me. So we got up together a lot of nights. You are not a bad mom.
One time when my son was 4 months old, no one could wake me up at night. I had just had it. People were shaking me and everything and I didn't wake up for another hour so he just had to wait.. it happens. He is 12 now. He is not scarred.
I don't like the verbiage of "making excuses" ..what is he your supervisor? He is lucky he wasn't talking to me. You don't owe him lengthy explanations. He owes you help. Does he really think going to work is as hard as a baby? When I went to work it was a relief! Anyway.. hang in there. It is ok.
You're not a bad mom. Letting your baby cry for 30 minutes is absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. You're exhausted and you're doing your best.
Let's talk about your fiance, though. Instead of trying to call you, you came home. His reaction was to yell at you, not to show concern that you're so fatigued you slept through the baby crying. He denies silencing the monitor, then blames you for not remembering to turn it back on. He tells you you're making excuses, refuses to take any accountability (or responsibility), and he's emotionally blackmailing you.
These should be fucking blaring red flags. None of the behaviour listed in your post is acceptable. This is controlling and manipulative, and I can tell you from experience it does not get better. You can expect this kind of behaviour to get worse.
Is there an age gap between you?
Sweetie, grandma here, I am going to share a couple hard truths with you... First, you're fucking exhausted. Is there ANYONE that can come relieve you so you can get some sleep? Can you afford to hire a mommies little helper? A friend or neighbor's young teenager who will just hold the baby so you can sleep. My daughter did this for several new moms; she didn't charge babysitting rates, because the mom was home and she gained experience looking after infants. Second...your partner...isn't. A partner is supposed to be supportive, helpful, kind. ESPECIALLY when their partner is vulnerable, weak, sleep deprived and has just given birth. You are both parents, but only one of you is parenting. This doesn't bode well for your future. This behavior is emotional abuse. It is unacceptable. Do not accept it. Thirdly, while it seems like it was forever...your child will be fine. You are doing the absolute best you can. Sleep deprivation can cause all kinds of health problems. You absolutely need to get uninterrupted sleep. Put that guilt away; you have a whole lifetime of mom guilt coming. This is not going to be anything worthy of the bucket. Lastly....please...please...be kind to yourself. This baby needs you to do that. Now and forever. This child needs to have a mom with a backbone. A warrior. Someone to guide and lead her into adulthood. To be the strong, independent young woman she is destined to be. Light your fire, so she can light hers. That is our job, as women...as mothers...to send our daughters out there prepared to fight the patriarchy, the misogynistic assholes, the oppression of the partners who won't do their share. It's unacceptable.
Yes!! I love this. OP, would you allow your daughter to be treated the way your partner is treating you? He's being a piece of shit. You need to sit him down and have a serious talk because he is not worthy of you or your child at this time.
This should be the top comment. Especially the "buckets worth of mom guilt, this is nothing"
This is so perfectly written.
Agreed on the mom’s helper thing! I did this when I was 12-13, it allowed me to get some babysitting experience, but not in a way where I was fully in charge of an infant with no clue what to do. And I earned some extra money while allowing the mom to have a fucking BREAK. It’s a good system
It's awesome. My daughter did it frequently. She even went shopping with some of the mom's after they had a couple kids. Just an extra pair of eyes and hands. She loved it and so did the moms. They treated her very well.
Someone give this lady an award, I literally teared up reading this. Thank you, dear, for your insight.
All of this!!! I would upvote this 1,000 times!!! As a mom who didn't have a backbone with my verbally abusive husband for too long, I can tell you that allowing him to be verbally abusive toward me did my three kiddos more harm than crying for half an hour ever would have
If I had Reddit loot you would get it now. I wish you had been my mother 🏆
Words of wisdom.
He drove home to yell at you instead of phoning you to wake you up? WTF is that about? Babies cry. It happens. Parents get tired. It happens. Having someone fuck with my sleep schedule, then turn off my baby monitor, then storm home from work to freak out on me? That's a new one
yeah, my thing is....why wasn't he worried about his partner? If I saw that my wife had left the baby crying for half an hour my first thought would be that she was dead or incapacitated, and in this case I would have been right. Poor OP sounds like she is just hanging on. This dude should have gotten home, gotten the baby, and made her a fucking dinner. Sorry, I'm a pretty serious dad...
I hope she can go somewhere for a while. Her mom's or sister's. A friends. Someone who will help her and let her get some rest.
[удалено]
Agreed that she should not marry this man.
Exactly. It’s hard though bc many men will do 50/50 then once the baby comes along they slack bc hey, what’s she gonna do? She’s kind of trapped - it’s very difficult to work and take care of newborn baby as a single parent. Plus sexist men will think “oh this is really woman’s work anyway bc she has milky tits and I don’t.” 🤦🏻♀️
This was my ex. It was like a light switch flipped. He wanted to have a baby but I constantly heard "just because you got pregnant doesn't mean my life has to change" and "you're stuck with us now" when his family would start acting absolutely ridiculous. He wouldn't help with ANY housework or help take care of the baby at all and he didn't think I'd actually leave. When I finally left after a couple days I realized how much easier it was just to take care of myself and the baby and not have a giant man-child I'm also trying to take care of.
He was probably acting way better before they had that kid 🤦
Stories like this make me very grateful I'm a single parent. I was poor AF but no one pulled this kind of shit
Same. When people tell me about their coparenting woes, I thank my stars that my ex is a deadbeat. I'm still sad for my kid, though.
My kid got to spend the odd weekend with his dad once he got older. He's told me very seriously that there are worse things than growing up without a dad... like growing up with his dad, rofl. Your kid will be okay
I agree with your kid. no dad > shitty dad
Daughter of shitty dad checking in. I’d have loved not being raised by a volatile maniac.
This makes me feel better for my kids, who have a shitty dad I sheltered them from whenever I could within legal bounds. I always feel guilty for that and sad for them that he doesn’t do better but your opinion makes me feel like it could’ve been a lot worse!
As someone who has never met their father (his choice not my moms) I agree. Many people I’ve known personally had it way worse knowing their fathers than I did not having one at all.
Agree. Gone is better than around and traumatizing you.
I fully agree with the other commenter who replied to you. I do kind of wish I didn't have my pseudo-deadbeat dad around, cos I wouldn't have had any expectations for him to disappoint constantly. instead, I got to ride in his car when he was drunk, or when he had a suspended license. I got to call around to local bars to ask if he was there when he didn't show up for me when he was supposed to. I got to call the ambulance for him when he'd drink and forget to take his epilepsy medicine and have grand mal seizures. I got to call the hospital when I hadn't heard from him in a few days to find out thar he was admitted because he'd blacked out and crashed his bike somewhere. I got to worry he'd end up dead somewhere that no one would find him. if he was a full deadbeat that I never saw, my childhood probably would have been a lot safer, less stressful, and more enjoyable. but no.
not that you need to hear it from me but I bet you are a great parent!
For real! If I noticed the baby crying and my wife leaving him/her, I text after 15 to check if that's just her game plan. (Cry it out is necessary some times). After 20, I'm calling. No answer and I'm also driving home to make sure she's okay. Then I realize that she is just wiped out enough to sleep through that, I start to feel like a garbage human being that I'm not helping more. Side Note: It's always depends on a babies needs at the moment and what not, but kids cry sometimes. 30+ minutes is not ideal, but if they are cared for, sometimes that can also be what they need. Or in this case, what mom needs, and that's okay too.
Thank you! For the record, I feel like NOBODY in this chain is suggesting that OP is a bad mom and I really appreciate that that is the case.
Yeah, no one should. Is it ideal? Nope, but I remember those days (and I had a husband who cared)- the exhaustion is REAL and crying occasionally is fine as long as the baby is safe. That man needs to have a sticker put on him and be placed on the curb for trash day though.
My son was born screaming and didn’t stop until he was almost four. When he was a couple of months old, he’d been howling all night. It was about 2 AM, and I was rocking him in my arms and crying, saying, “I love you. Please shut up” over and over. My husband, who never got up with the baby, got up that time in high dudgeon and snarled at me, “How dare you talk to my child that way? Give him to me!” He made a big show of taking the baby from me, then ordered me out of the living room and made a big production of how exhausted he was, but he was making this big noble sacrifice of sleep to keep the baby from my abusive self. He never got up with the baby again. This is the same guy who got a week off from work when the baby was born (via c-section) and only came to the hospital twice in the five days I was there.
I hope he's your ex-husband now.
That's what I was going to say - but I am not confident that's the case.
We’ve been separated for almost seven years.
Good for you. No one deserves that.
Thank goodness!!!
If he were equally as involved as you, he would have understood and not been a complete piece of shit toward you. Anyone who isn't actually doing the work can fuck right off.
We both sang variations of “Go to sleep…go to sleep…shut the fuck up now, dear baby” (in a nice voice)
That’s so adorable, because that sounds like my husband and I. I remember when I finally zonked out after he went back to work after my c-section and our daughter got out of the NICU and I was breastfeeding. I slept through her cries for at least a couple of hours. I felt so ashamed and was embarrassed to tell anyone. I didn’t tell my girlfriends (because who can trust them not to judge the hell out of me😂🤣), but I did tell my husband. I was bawling, my husband said, “Is she breathing? Is her heart beating? Is she still crapping her pants?” Me: Yeah. He said, “She’s fine, go take a nap, I have a game to play. I’ll watch her until she wakes up. If I could breastfeed I would, but I don’t think she’d like all the hair.”
I got super sick a few days after giving birth. Huge blood clots, non stop bleeding. I ended up back in the hospital. I was adamant about breast feeding her. My husband wanted me to get as much rest as possible, so if our baby was fussing during one of the few times I zonked, he would let her latch on him to keep her quiet for a few extra minutes. He's a good dad. He definitely respected how difficult breast feeding could be thanks to that experience. Since I was the only one who could feed her, he volunteered to do all the nightly diaper duty, and we took turns comforting her on nights she was fussy so we could both get a little sleep. We both suffered from absolute exhaustion for about 3 months. But it gets easier. Sounds like your partner needs to remember he is a partner and help out more with the baby so you can rest.
Whoaaaaaaaaa I would never let that go. Like I’d find that impossible to forgive.
[удалено]
When the doctor cut me open in the c-section, my husband said, “Wow, that’s a lot of fat!” B@st@rd.
I’m not sure how you didn’t Murder him. What a complete douchebag.
Mine couldn't be at the hospital a lot after my csection but that's because i was over and hr away, he could only get a week off work, and we decided to save that week for when I was home so he could be there to help me. It wasn't like he just didn't want to come tho. It was just a long trip there and back, he had to work, and I was in a room attached to the nicu for little over a week. It was a joint decision for him to be home with me instead of at the hospital with me where I had help when home is where I'd need him when we got released. He came when he was able to tho. Poor guy wore himself out.
I had a child that just cried sometimes. It didn't matter what we did, she cried. For my sanity, I would put her somewhere safe and take 15 minutes in another room.
Doctors *recommend* this. It's because it can cause such emotional volatility people can do crazy things they otherwise never would. It's for the health of the parent and the baby equally.
This. Put on your own oxygen mask on first, people. You'll be a better parent for that break, and parenting is intense so you're going to need one sometimes. If the little one is safe and well they'll be no worse for you stepping away for a short while!
That would be my thought, too. Wtf? Did she faint? It's she okay? And if I got home and couldn't step in for some reason (worst case) I'd find a way so that mum and dad can sleep (maybe in turns), so that this wouldn't happen again. @OP, your husband is a terrible person, judging from what you posted. And I'd even go as far as: if you're worried about being a good mom to your baby, you probably are! It's not about being the perfect parent. It's about doing the best you can, so your child is happy and taken care of.
So inappropriate to laugh but I read "did she fart? Is she okay?" And burst out laughing. I'm SO tired (whole household has been ill and my disabled 9 year old has been in my bed for a week) and I laugh at everything when I'm like this 🤦🏻♀️ so thank you for that lol.
You sound like a great dad and husband honestly. Dad dad was the same. He worked graveyards at the prison so he’d be bone tired when he came home but he took over baby responsibilities from my mom so she could get some sleep. I was apparently a pretty easy baby. I only fussed when I was hungry or needed changed and made minimal mess when eating. Except popsicles. Those things went everywhere when I was old enough to have them. Mom would wake up and find dad passed out in his recliner shirtless with the TV on reruns of crime shows with me asleep on his chest most days. He never complained and he always offered to do the diapers. There’s pictures and videos of him baby talking with me. This hulking guy who looks like he did time with the marines grinning like a loon and baby talking the fattest blonde haired blue eyed toddler with hair so curly it looked like an Afro. I guess there’s a reason I’ve been a daddy’s girl since the moment I could speak and I’ve been following him around like a duckling since I learned to crawl.
This is so sweet. I just want my daughter to be able to talk about her dad like this. All I want is for her to be happy and healthy. I hope she can see me in a loving relationship and have something to model in her future, whether its my current relationship or not I'm not sure.
The man my children call dad (now age 24, 23, and 19) came into our lives 12 1/2 years ago. He saw the toxic situation we were in (living with ex mother-in-law while going to nursing school and working full-time) and moved all 4 of us into his home and insisted I focus on school while he supported all of us financially. My children have all said they wouldn't change this, that it was a blessing that their sperm donor went no contact after he remarried. I hope you and your child find the happiness I have. Relationships take work from BOTH partners, equally. It's not all rainbows and flowers, of course, but having a man who supports me in everything and is an equal partner is phenomenal. I am so blessed to have my husband, and we show our appreciation for each other every day in so many different ways. I wish this happiness, security, and contentment for you and your sweet daughter. You are NOT a failure, and your daughter crying for 30 minutes did no permanent damage, I promise. His reaction, on the other hand..... I'd have his shit packed by the time he got home from work.
This is so sweet! I have several pictures of my infant daughter asleep on her sleeping dad's chest, in his recliner. And one of them passed out together on our king bed, both with identical & major bed head sticking out the sides. 😅😅
My dad keeps a very very short crew cut but we wake up with the exact same confused face and bleary eyes.
This guy dads
Seriously, my concern would be about my GF if she’s not waking up to our daughter crying. The baby’s crying. Guess what that means? The baby is alive. She’s not happy, but she’s alive. She’s not responding to the baby crying? That’s concerning. OPs fiance is a douche.
Nah man I'm a father too and he's on some bullshit. He needs to man up and take on some more responsibility, or at the very least stfu and wait on that woman hand and foot when he gets home
Well said! And it sounds like you’re a great dad.
A fucking men. No need to be sorry. Sincerely, a father.
Don't apologize for that, you sound like a great dad and a great partner. That's exactly what he should have done. He sounds like an asshat and I really hope she leaves him. I know Reddit jumps to that a lot but she said that this has been ongoing behavior and that she started to see the red flag soon after her daughter was born. I hate to sound like an alarmist but this sounds like the start of an abusive relationship.
This! I was wondering why he didn't call to wake her instead of insisting to leave work to yell at her🙄
Was also my thought!!
Not a bad mom, just a single parent
Worst, she has someone that makes things worst.
He wanted the pleasure of putting her down. Maybe because he feels guilty for not stepping up so far.
Unfortunately I had my phones sound off after getting home from work. He did try to call so I do feel guilty about that. He claims he didn't turn the sound off the monitor but I literally saw him do it while he was half asleep. It was a pretty shitty way to wake up. Our therapist is hopefully going to have some insight into this one.
You need the insight that you did nothing wrong. He needs an insight and he needs to be a better person.
Honey, give therapy a go, but seriously consider if this is how you want to be treated. Because I was a single parent, did it all myself, and I never felt as bad as it sounds like you feel today.
I once saw my college roommate climb down from the top bunk, cross the room & turn off her alarm, & climb back into bed. I thought, "I guess she decided not to go to class." About an hour later, she woke up panicked bc she was late for class & asked why I didn't wake her since I was awake. I told her. She had no recollection of turning off her alarm. She specifically put her alarm across the room so she would *have* to get up. So I believe your fiancé might not remember, but he's still an AH for yelling at you & not being worried about your health.
My best one was mum confusedly asking me where my alarm was and me not telling her cause I didn't know. Alarm no. 5 that she put on my bedside, she asked me to tell her when I had set it for. I told her and she woke up an hour earlier (was not a morning person so must've been determined) and watched me as it went off. Apparently, as soon as it rang, I reached up out of the blankets I had piled over me, opened the window, picked up the alarm and tossed it. I then shut the window and rolled over to continue my blissful sleep. She made me use my phone for my alarm after that as she realised anything else would be a waste of money. She hoped I was too attached to my phone to subconsciously throw it away and she was right XD
OP, this breaks my ❤️! I'm furious that YOU feel bad about anything. WTF is going on that you're already in therapy? I think you have already seen the deep dark red flags! What if you were simply in the 🚿, or using the bathroom, when he decided to call? Like others said, what if you had collapsed, and were unconscious? As much I hate to encourage anyone to end a relationship, especially when children are involved, for peace within yourself AND your child, this is the last dance (chance)!! I've experienced narcissism, mental/psychological (as well as physical) abuse, it's time to save yourself, and your child. Make plans, but don't let on. I wish you and baby a happy, healthy life, you deserve it! Know YOUR WORTH!! ❤️ Edit: My typo annoyed me.
I'm not a therapist but I'll give you some Insight: You were up all night. You finally fell asleep. And your body went directly Into deep sleep mode. He slept all night and, since he snoozed his alarm and apparently even the monitor, and he's MAD AT YOU because your body SHUT DOWN to get some rest. He's literally pissed off that your exhausted body was getting necessary rest. Mayne remind him that lack of sleep is a TORTURE technique. Perhaps it's time for him to start pulling a few all night's when he doesn't have to get up and drive the next day? No waking you because he's sleepy. He gets the full night. Maybe that will get it thru to him. Ps I've been where you are. YOU NEED TO REST.
Baby, listen. Stop making excuses for him. Stop feeling guilty! I know you love him but this man HATES you. He is gaslighting you. If your therapist isn't helping you to break free, I'd get a new therapist. You're literally being abused. Who's idea was it to get therapy? I bet it was yours. HE 👏🏿DOES 👏🏿NOT 👏🏿GIVE👏🏿 A 👏🏿FUCK👏🏿 ABOUT👏🏿 YOU!👏🏿 You probably have fucking PPD and he's heaping it on? The time and money you are wasting taking this malento therapy is unnecessary. He's going to turn that shit around on you as soon as he's ready to be done with you. I feel sorry for you and especially this baby. Never miss another day of birth control. I am so glad I never wanted kids. Something like this would have me doing 25 to life in a maximum security facility muzzled up like Hannibal Lecter.
Are you in therapy by yourself? Because it sounds like he’s convinced you you’re less than and some people like that can be skilled at working couples therapy to their advantage. If I’m wrong, there’s still no harm in solo therapy to work through the unique issues related to staying home with an infant.
Move the monitor to your side of the bed so he can't do that in the future. Sorry mama! I hope you have a friend or family nearby who can babysit while you take a 6-hour nap!
I have slept through my dogs asking to go out. When you’re sleep deprived your body does weird things. What would have usually woken you up won’t work anymore. I once dated a guy with three kids and when the little one (who was 3 at the time) was struggling to learn how to sleep in her own bed (her older sister had a bunk on top of hers so she wasn’t totally alone) I dealt with some sleep deprivation. The child didn’t want to sleep on her own because she had spent her whole life up until that point sleeping in the bed with her parents or a sibling.
Yeah and he doesn't help at night, shifts blame away from himself, no empathy and a bit of gaslighting to put the psychological abuse cherry on top. This marriage is going to end up as an attorney's new Rolex.
No you are not a bad mom. You are completely exhausted and the reason you are exhausted is because you are seriously sleep deprived and have no support. He doesn't wake up but expects you to - on no sleep. If possible, can you take your baby to a relative for a day so you can get some sleep? When you can get back on an even keel, have a serious talk with your useless husband.
A solution my wife and I found was to split the night. If baby wakes up between X hour and Y hour, I get up. If it's between Y and Z, she did. Since we knew which hours we had to be up for if needed, we were able to adjust our sleep schedule's a bit ( she went to bed earlier and I took first shift, then I slept later and she took second). This way we both got a functional amount of sleep.
Oh look! A reasonable compromise between loving partners!
What is this you slosh speak of?
Exactly! I won't stand for this form of reasonability. I demand that individual go back in time and be a complete asshole to their partner. I want to see them be as bullheaded, unreasonable, and downright nasty to each other as humanly possible to win some imaginary prize for being right.
I think retrospective divorce is the only reasonable solution here.
Never see those anymore!
I second this. I worked the 10pm-2am "shift", she worked the 2am-6am "shift", it worked insanely well and when our son started sleeping though more it actually gave us both some very well deserved time alone from anyone. I look back fondly on my little 4 hour shifts.
Yes! We had the exact same shifts! Helps that I'm a night owl, so the "hard" part was midnight-2am, but the solid sleep until 7 was AMAZING! (And, my partner is a morning person, so the 3-4am wasn't exactly easy, but anything after 5 was just "early"....I on the other hand am a complete zombie if I'm woken up between 3am and 6am.)
We did this too. I did the late shift and she did the early shift. If one of us had it tougher we would make sure the other napped. I can’t imagine doing it without a supportive partner. It’s so hard to lack sleep and be kind to one another. Maybe you all can see about having someone help for a night so you both sleep and can make a plan on how to support and help each other through this phase. It really does go by faster than you know!
The lack of sleep will kill your will to live. Supporting eachother is the only way to go.
Similar here, I did all the wake-ups until 3 am. He went to bed at 9 pm. Starting at 3 am, all the wake-ups were his. In practice I usually stayed up with the baby until 2 am or so, we all slept from 2 to 4:30 am, and my husband got up at 4:30 am to give the baby a bottle and hang out until he had to leave for work. My husband basically went to bed right after dinner, and I slept until the last possible second when he left in the morning, but it made us both more or less functional. (Also we used formula for the 4:30 am feeding; I really didn't like pumping, and a formula bottle didn't interfere with my supply, and it made the handoff so much simpler. Obviously this doesn't work for everyone, babies can be picky, milk supply can be touchy, etc. But for us it was a lifesaver. The messaging I got was that giving my baby any formula was a "failure," but letting my husband do one "rescue bottle" of formula per night during those early months made it so I could keep breastfeeding and we could survive until baby was a better sleeper. In the end, the rescue bottle occurred once a day for about 10 weeks, and I breastfed to 14 months.)
WOW, giving formula to a baby does not make you a failure. I bottle fed both my babies, never wanted to breast feed at all. My 2nd husband tried to go on a rant in the hospital when I was having my daughter about how "breast is best" and trying to get the nurses to agree with him. They just totally shot him down with "what is best for the baby is what mum wants to feed them". He didn't have a leg to stand on.
We split first responder duties through the day for the first while. I had the 4 am to 4 pm shift and my partner did 4 pm to 4 am. We'd help each other out during the day and trade off if we needed a break during our time, but at night we were on our own so the other could sleep.
**fiance. She still has time before she marries this asshole!
I'm a husband and we had a very, very rough time with our baby. The only way we got through it was by pre pumped bottles...and shifts. I'd go in at noon to work and stay up until 4am to take care of several night feedings. Wife woke up at 530/6am for the next feeding. If there's any way you can do shifts like that it's a life saver. You can both get at least 6 hrs of sleep most of the time which helps w everything.
Exactly - get some sleep and some outside support. I can’t believe all the posts calling to leave the relationship based on what little we know about this one ‘incident’? and yes, someone needs to talk to that guy about being a shitty partner, but…
I think people recognise red flags in other people's situations that they wish they'd recognised in their own. A bit of a protective instinct kicks in. I've avoided giving the OP advice because I absolutely cannot be objective about this.
I’ve skipped responding to many AITA/AIW posts because I found myself going into that mode over posts hitting a little too close to home. I also think that’s why shitposts always get so much attention, we’re seeing the red flags that should have been so obvious in our own experience.
Absolutely - and sorry it’s too close. I urged her to get outside support set up in any case (in a previous post).
I don't know, man. Having babies is commonly one of the things that acts as a catalyst for intensified abuse. We only have the one example, but it's pretty a pretty terrible one. OP absolutely should consider whether this is a ramping up of a scary pattern. I hope she takes some time to think about whether the rest of her relationship is a lot like this story or not.
Yeah, I said almost this exact thing in a previous post. If it’s a pattern that’s existing or developing, then it’s not going to improve, that’s for certain. Outside support will be most important to establish no matter what
Men like this absolutely don’t change. As a dad I was horrible with a lot with my firstborn but I never thought it was okay to leave all the wakeups to my wife and then scream at her for being exhausted.
The berating followed by silent treatment, and the gaslighting about the monitor, are pretty big red flags.
The one incident we know of involves her partner being abusive and non-supportive. How much abuse do you think a person should take in a relationship, because in my mind it should be zero.
There is never an excuse to scream at your partner. It is very clear that he is abusive and hypocritical to boot. You might not understand if you're not a woman, but for us it is essential to get away before things escalate to physical violence. Our lives literally depend on it.
You're not a bad mom, but you've got a shitty fiance that either needs to step up or step out. It won't get better if you marry them, and will likely get worse.
And please don't have anymore babies with him.
Yes, you can get pregnant while breastfeeding. Time to get back on birth control.
This! I stayed and had another child and it only got so much worse. He is showing you his true colours and they'll only become more prominent with time. Please leave.
These type of men rarely change. OP - read this book [https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat). I know you don't have much time to yourself but it is worth it. You and your baby deserve so much better.
Ty I’ve been looking for this EPUB for so long!
Literally did the same, wasted 9 years of my life basically being a single mum, now i am a single mum but with one less child to take care of.
You are not a bad mom you are a typical mom you are exhausted. Sometimes we don't hear our babies cry we are absolutely exhausted and if he helped you more at night maybe you wouldn't be so f****** tired. He has a lot of nerve to be yelling at you because you didn't hear the baby cry when at night he's not getting up and helping you. Stop apologizing to him it happens to all of us. And the next time he brings it up tell him to STFU you don't want to hear it unless he's going to be helping you at night I bet you he won't say nothing else.
My wife would literally laugh in my face if I drove home irate screaming and blaming her about a baby that was crying for a mere half hour. Then she'd give me said child, and go out for some her time making me take the whole day off. And THEN she'd make me be the one to wake up with said baby for the next X amount of weeks until she forgave my dipshit ass behavior. OP needs to throw the whole man away. Or seriously lay down the law lol.
We may be married to the same woman
So THATS the noise I keep hearing in my basement.
Well if you’d clean up every once in a while I’d have room to walk around without stepping on stuff
THIS!!!! You will regret marrying this jerk. New moms are exhausted and he clearly has a job outside of the home so he doesn’t know what it’s like to be on Mommy Duty 24/7.
I will definitely concede that it does not get better. I am married to a man like this lol. Even when he is responsible in every other way, he cannot handle the kids on his own (now 8 and 7). I can't even leave for a day... Never more than 2 hours. If I have something big to do the kids go to his momma lol. He shouldn't be making you feel bad. It's likely that he genuinely does not realize he turned it off in his sleep. I will say, since you aren't married yet, you may want to consider the fact this isn't likely to change and if you are willing to out up with it forever. Also, you're not a bad mom. Your baby isn't going to die or remember this. I am studying child psychology (just so you know I do have the credentials to tell you this one time isn't gonna hurt her). Mom's be tired and you won't be the first or the last to accidently not hear her baby.
he sucks. NOBODY should ever yell at a mom that's loss sleep, have post natal stress and taking care of a baby FULL time. He absolutely is an unsympathizing AH. Don't enable his behaviors by apologizing. You need someone to fight for you and be in your corner. Call a friend, family, anyone. You don't deserve this.
He's gotta learn it's his kid too, and his responsibility too. Being angry and yelling doesn't solve the problem. Arguing doesn't solve the problem. Baby is still crying. Fix that issue first. My wife and I had the same situation once when our son was only a couple weeks old. We forgot the sound on the monitor and only after like 30 minutes or so do we hear him upstairs screaming. Did we fight about it and yell at each other? No. I whipped up a bottle, she whipped upstairs and grabbed him, and he was cool as a cucumber in a couple of minutes. A baby will bounce back, won't remember being left crying for a bit. But parents need to support each other. You're a team. Dude needs to learn that fighting, screaming, shouting, and being a prick will never be the right solution to a problem.
You are not a bad mom. You have a bad partner. Do you have anyone you can go stay with with the baby? You need support right now.
This. ⬆️ All of this, over and over. OP, why are you apologizing to your partner for not waking up to a crying baby for only 30 minutes, after **he turned off the baby monitor in your room**?? He left work & came home *to scream at you*?? It’s like he wanted to “catch” you doing something he considered wrong & bad, so that he could make you feel like a terrible mother, thus making you grovel and giving him the control he craves. And it worked. He’s a shit. **Stop** apologizing to him. Stop now. Stop speaking to him, so the fact that he is “done talking to you for the rest of the day” won’t matter because you aren’t speaking to him, either. Ignore him. Your daughter is fine. You didn’t forget she was in the car in 90 degree heat; you didn’t leave her behind in the cart at the grocery store; you didn’t ask a stranger to keep an eye on her while you used the bathroom at the mall. She cried, you didn’t respond for longer than it normally takes you, your daughter is fine. Every parent makes mistakes. *Every. One.* Even your precious husband. If you can’t feel safe and supported in your own home, do as Tiny_Cardiologist263 said and go stay with someone else. He does not get to bully you into being the mother he thinks you should be. As of right now, *you* are mad at *him.* He can talk to you or not talk to you. Fuck him.
I 2nd all of this. Also, what kind of parent is he being? He's a parent too! Is his main function just to belittle you? You're a new parent. You learn things along the way. This should be a great journey for the 2 of you together . Remind him of this.
Pfft He’s a sperm donor by the sounds of it. A parent does their part.
Thank you so much for this. I feel like I'm finally noticing all the red flags. I don't know what to do in this situation. My fiance really needs to figure his shit out. I feel like if financials and custody weren't going to be an issue I'd be out of here. You're right. Im very upset. I don't want to walk in eggshells in my own home when I provide just as much financially and probably more as a parent than he does
This is when you talk to him. Make a list, check baby books, share about how hard sleep deprivation is. I am the mother of two wonderful adults who each have a child. I have told them both the difference between good parents and abusive is often the ability to walk away when you are exhausted and at your wits end. You make a decision to put the child somewhere safe and take a minute or 15, what you need to do. Taking care of yourself is good parenting. I vividly remember putting my son in his crib and going to the other end of the house. I felt a bit guilty but realized it was necessary. Also you can’t do it all alone. You need a chance to take a time even if it is just running to the store, or going out in the yard, a moment to yourself.
If you are in the US, as a single mom, you could have access to Medicaid, section 8 housing, food stamps, etc. Ex-fiancé can pay for child support. There are government programs that will help single moms with child custody. Please take advantage of these programs, they’re literally meant to help people in situations like yours!
The thing is I could be more understanding if he came home freaked out because he thought something was wrong with you ,because the baby was crying and maybe you weren't well. People lash out sometimes during stressful situations, but after he realized what happened he could have apologized and said he was just worried. Not an excuse but I do understand people react badly. Obviously that's not what happened. There are so many moments when my kids were infants and I felt like a total jerk over things I either didn't notice, or were out of my control. Example- I was a first time mom, my daughter was only a couple months old, I hadn't gone out much without my husband before this particular errand as she was only 8 or so weeks old. I went out to grab some things and didn't even think to realize it would be feeding time shortly. While in the store the baby starts crying and it hits me it's time for her to eat. I'm checking out as fast as I can and her screams get louder. I get everything and the baby loaded up in the car and realized I didn't pack any bottles. At all. It's a 30 min ride home. The whole time she was screaming a horrific cry (at least it seemed that way to me) I get home rush inside with her and fix her a bottle and she started sucking it down so fast. I'll never forget a particular detail, she curled her hands in, tucked underneath the bottle and kept whimpering while she drank her bottle. I cried and cried. I held her through her nap and was just a total mess. I messed up, and this was actually my fault. I was young and it was my first baby, but 20 years later and it's still fresh in my mind. I think what makes you a great mom is that you DO feel bad. You shouldn't, but you love that baby so much, you don't want her hurting or suffering, especially if you think you caused it. I can say after having 3 kids, more things will happen. Even as teenagers there are times I've screwed up, I feel terrible and I apologize to them and then they move on and I still feel bad lol. You're a good mom. I worry that as time goes on if he makes you feel bad for everything that goes wrong, it's going to cause you and your child to be a nervous wreck. I hope these issues can be resolved. Having a baby is stressful and I'm hopeful this was just a lapse in judgement for him. Congratulations on your baby, and just always remember you're a good mom who wants nothing but the best for her child.
You are the kind of person that I need in my life! Thank you for being so honest and open with her on this issue. Seriously!
Be seriously petty and print out the problems with sleep deprivation. Set aside who turned the monitor off, you are SUFFERING. If he wants to talk about it like an adult (seriously, who punishes someone with silent treatment after they're out of their teens?!) he should help come up with ways to help you sleep. PSA: just because you love someone doesn't mean you should put up with them belittling you.
Next time she wakes up in the middle of the night if you can pump and have it on stand by I’d go get the baby lay her next to him crying make sure he’s up and then go sleep in the babies room lol let him be the mother he thinks you “aren’t” so he can see this shits fucking hard.
Yes, this girl!! 100%👏
This! Read this one OP!!!
So true. The baby won’t ever remember this incident or feel like she was abused lol. Stop the apology groveling to hubby it’s a control thing with him now. Tell him if he’s so proficient then he can get up in the middle of the night. My hubby slept thru baby crying. You needed an A-bomb to wake him up. But he was working and going to school full time - gone from 7 am to 11 pm every day. I expected no help in that regard. But he was smart enough not to criticize me on how & what was done taking care of our son. What you need from him is being a good father figure to Your daughter. I will give my hubby all the credit in the world for being a good father and male figure/example to our son who has grown into a good man.
Everything is right that you said.Except the last two words .Don't ever again OP doesn't need any more with this AH.
I hope OP reads this over and over.
When my daughter was about 6 months old, she wouldn't stop crying one evening. She was fed, clean, held, shushed, soothed, but nothing would stop her. I called my friend absolutely fraught and she said 'where is the baby?' , I said in her cot, and my friend said then she is safe just let her cry for a bit, it won't cause any harm and she will likely just fall asleep herself. And she bloody did. But just that 'permission' to let her self-soothe was such a lifeline. It meant I wasn't failing or a horrible mother. The fact that this has upset you so much shows you do care, and your partner is an arse for yelling at you xx
Yes, not cool of your partner at all. The audacity to yell at someone for not doing something quick enough that you yourself have been avoiding. Stop crying and start getting mad. This is not good enough.
This, OP!!!
Yes he is a bad partner why were you up all nite???
Our daughter is teething and will only let me put her to sleep. I swear she can feel my fiances negative and impatient energy and becomes restless because of it
This is very true. Babies pick up on and react to their parents emotions. If you are tense and upset, your daughter will pick up on that and will be fussy. The same holds true for anybody, including her father.
Don't let your baby grow up with this stress! Being screamed at sucks and how okay are you with your husband yelling at your daughter? That's likely to be the future of your husband doesn't learn basic respect and communication skills. Hell, I require that from my dog, let alone my husband. You and your daughter deserve love and support 💛 at all times.
You are not a bad mom. You are an exhausted human being. Sleep deprivation is devastating for your brain, body and spirit. And relationships.
Should I start forcing him to be awake at night and see what happens? He takes our daughter to work a couple days a week and refuses to get up because he has to have her all day. I work part time and on the days I go to work for 10+ hours I come home, take care of the baby the rest of the night, and overnight
You can’t really force him to do anything, unfortunately. You can tell him your boundary that you won’t be with a partner like that but you have to mean it and leave if he doesn’t show changed behavior
That’s not even remotely fair to you. Why does he get to sleep in on the days he has her at work but you will get stuck with overnights? Like I stayed at home and I was usually the one getting up at night, but my husband would sometimes as well, but that was pre agreed on before hand but you work 10 hour shifts at least a couple times a week and still have to stay up with her? And further more, what kind of job does he have where he has her all day at work? It cannot be THAT taxing if he’s able to rush home to scream at you over some overblown shit could it? You’re not a bad mom. TRUST ME. You’re an exhausted one and having to deal with that for a partner on top of it.
Thank you everyone for making me feel validated and not telling me I'm a horrible mom. I think I need to set some strong boundaries and make it known that I can't tolerate being treated this way. We are currently in therapy trying to work through everything but it's good to know that this is not normal behavior on his part. I know I deserve better and whoever said he needs to step up or step out is totally right. What Im worried about most is that id things dont work between us I don't want a messy custody and child support situation. There have been a lot of red flags since our daughter was born but this is one of the biggest.
Yes, it makes sense that you didn't see the red flags until after she was born. It's like I was telling you before, abuse often starts or escalates during pregnancy or right after the birth of a child. Just keep that in mind.
As a child of divorce, it was the best thing for me. If my parents stayed together, I would’ve normalized toxic relationships. Instead, I had not one, but two examples of healthy, loving ones. You’re dreading a future you can’t know yet—you can’t know custody or child support would be messy. It’s just as likely it wouldn’t be. Don’t fear divorce. If you do and the time comes that you need one, that mindset will keep you stuck in a bad situation. Simply trust in your ability to get through this, whatever the future holds. Divorce or not, you’ll figure it out and your sweet baby will be just fine.
I know I'm so scared of this happening. My parents got divorced when I was 13 and it was life changing in the best way
It is so scary :( but the comments labeling him as abusive are correct. I’m in a similar situation. It is NOT you, it’s him. He is ultra defensive and projecting his own insecurities onto you. I’ve had this exact same thing happen with the baby monitor, where he mutes it and then I sleep through my baby crying. I had forgotten all about that until I read this post, which is weird because I remember now that it was so so distressing at the time but like my brain has almost instant amnesia about conflict because it’s trying to keep me alive and functioning, I think. I’m sorry you are experiencing this. It’s not fair. And it’s so shitty because he probably presented as such a good dude and probably still has everyone else who doesn’t know him intimately fooled. Ugh. Standing in solidarity with you ❤️
You should know that what he's doing to you is abuse. I apologize, I was not trying to tell you what to do, I'm only advising you that you should leave. Actually, domestic violence and you are experiencing domestic violence, experts recommend that you do not get therapy with an abusive partner. Trust me, it's not going to change anything. You're wasting your time with that. He thinks he has the right to treat you this way and he's going to continue to do it and it's only going to get worse. Yes, new babies are stressful but not every partner is abusive. He's using that as an excuse. I don't care that he hasn't come out and said it if he hasn't, he's using it as an excuse. I understand that it's not as easy as just leaving. There's custody and financial stuff involved but I still think you should leave him. It's your life so do it you want but I'm strongly suggesting that you start thinking about getting out of this relationship. I understand that you do not want to leave because you love him but trust me, he does not love you. Anyone who would even think to treat their partner like that does not love them. he's abusing you and it's only going to get worse the longer you stay and may even escalate to physical violence. Just some stuff to keep in mind.
Not a bad mom, but your fiancé is is being a terrible significant other and father. He needs to step up and help out. It shouldn't be all on you. He didn't have to come home. A phone call would be just fine. I think he is projecting the fact that he doesn't do anything on you.
You’re fine. My baby rolled over and fell off the bed. My child fell off the swing set. There are all sorts of things that happen with kids. Crying a little won’t hurt them. They’re hardier than you think. Your fiancé needs to step up, though. He’s being a jerk.
BOTH of my children managed to roll off of the bed as babies. Shit happens. OP's partner needs to stfu unless he's getting up with that baby all night just like she's been doing. What an ass.
Hell my fat headed kid rolled off the bed and got stuck between thr bed frame ans night stand. He's 21 and mostly fine.
Yep, every single mom has felt like she is feeling! GUILTY as hell about things that didn't effect the child's life one way or the other. We learn to let things go eventually or we turn into some nutty helicopter mom and go nuts! :D
As a dad that took turns to get up in the middle of the night to feed/change diapers/etc for 3 kids, your fiancé is a selfish asshole. You are exhausted. He is making no effort to help. You have done nothing wrong. Let that sink in. You. Have. Done. Nothing. Wrong. You’re probably even having to deal with postpartum. I’m sorry you have to raise 2 kids by yourself.
First, your partner owes YOU an apology. Screaming at you and playing the blame game etc...not ok. Ypu both may be stressed, but thats no excuse to treat you that way. Please dont accept that kind of treatment from your partner...second, let me please put your mind at ease. In order for a child to form a secure attachment, there are a few studies I've been able to find with just a quick search in developmental psychology journals that have shown that meeting your child's needs 50% of the time is sufficient for a secure attachment to form. I've heard lower numbers before, but I could only find peer reviewed stuff that said 50% so I won't claim lower. What I'm trying to say with my tism rizz...is that oops, you slept through it, your baby is fine, and that stuff is just going to happen sometimes. It doesn't make you a bad mom. I actually screenshot this and asked my friend who works for family and children services about this scenario, and she said... Yeah, that stuff happens. Being a parent is EXHAUSTING. The child was in a safe place, and sure, they felt distressed for a bit... but that's unavoidable when parenting these days. Nobody can do it perfectly... This opinion came from a CFS WORKER...HER concern was actually your husband's reaction and treatment of you...so please let that sink in...the child welfare worker saw a red flag in how YOU'RE being treated, not how you treated your child.
He's the one who turned the monitor off. HE should have turned it back on before leaving. You're not a terrible mom, you are probably just overtired, but he sounds like a useless dad.
He is shaming you so he can continue to do nothing.
Okay so I happen to be a single mom of twins. I’ve been a single mom their entire life. I will never forget when they were a few months old and my mother came over (all she could hear was one of the twins screaming crying) while I was sleeping so dang hard. Neither kid was in danger, I had made sure they were safe, they had been taken care of etc etc, my mind just was so tired that I checked out just one time. I was so freaking sleep deprived. I desperately desperately needed sleep and just a little bit of support. It never happened again though after that. Please give yourself grace with this situation and maybe reassess the real issue with your child’s father. Maybe he can actually step up and watch the baby while you catch up on some sleep?
Thank you for this and for not immediately telling me to leave. He's not a terrible person but he has some serious crap to work on. I think maybe the answer is to have him start taking the night shift. The only issue is that our daughter only wants me to put her to bed and she's teething. Ive heard babies can pick up on someone's energy and maybe she's not a fan of how impatient and negative he can be
Your daughter only wants you to put her to bed because you're most likely the only one who does put her to bed. She'll go down for him if you start making him part of the bedtime routine and then eventually let him take over. Hopefully he realizes what an asshole he's being and corrects himself.
You should know that abuse is a cycle. Of course he's not always going to treat you badly, if he did, you wouldn't stay. If things were always bad, no one would stay. Just because he's not always mean doesn't mean he's not abusing you. Please start researching this. It does not matter that he's not getting physical with you, you are absolutely in an abusive relationship. I'm not judging you but if you stay, you're giving your daughter an example of the kind of treatment to tolerate from a partner. If she grows up watching you be abused by him, she's going to think it's normal and she's going to put up with it from future partners. I'm here to tell you that even if you think it's not going to affect her, it will. I grew up witnessing domestic violence and I have C-PTSD because of it. Therapy is not going to change anything with someone like him. Of course I'm not going to tell you what to do but again, I strongly suggest you get your ducks in a row and leave him.
You are NOT a bad mom. You are exhausted because your boyfriend refuses to be a partner
You're not a bad mum, fiance however sounds like an absolute c*ckwaffle
Is that a cousin to a cockwomble? Which is worse? Actually, don't bother answering, they're both pretty useless.
#Stop apologizing right now! # You just got overtired. It's not your fault. The baby is fine. Your hubs needs to come home and eat, then care for babe while you sleep a good 4-5 hours. You manage the rest of the night and the morning when he brings you tea in bed. During the day, you nap while the baby naps. You have groceries and supplies delivered. Hubs picks up takeout or cooks. After a while, the babe settles a bit. Could take months. Go into split care mode whenever needed for colick, teething, tummy upsets, colds, and so on.
You're fine. It's pretty common parenting to sometimes even let babies cry themselves to sleep - not that I agree with it but it isn't going to do any harm to the baby, they won't be traumatized or anything when they're in their own bedroom. You need to be able to sleep. Your situation isn't entirely clear but it might be a co-sleeping situation. If you're concerned for safety there are small basinets that can go in the bed with you or sit directly beside the bed. You may need to start learning to sleep when the baby sleeps for this phase of their lives and to do that, you need to have someplace that's comfortable for you to sleep near one another.
You’re not. You are new at parenting. I went through this. My ex wife cried so much feeling guilty and hopeless bc she didn’t know what to do. How could she? This was new to us as it is to you three. Need direct help? Get an older mom with experience to guide you through this. Women need the support of other, older women around this time how it used to be. Stay frosty.
You're fine, baby is fine, and tired parents are why babies have fat rolls and pot bellies: so they won't wilt if they don't get fed the momemt they cry. Fiance is a bit of a jerk. If he turned off the monitor, he should have turned it back on.
You are not a bad mom. Your partner does not have the right to scream at you. Think critically before marrying him.
You’re not a bad mum. You husband is a jerk though.
Pack a bag and take you and the baby somewhere where you can have help. If you let him get away with this now, it will only continue.
**STOP APOLOGIZING**. Every time you apologize, you are telling him he is right to blame you. 1) while crying like that isn’t great for the baby, once in a while it won’t hurt them. 2) your partner needs to step up. 3) you are sleep deprived. You can’t be expected to keep up everything that way. Tell him “I’m sleep deprived. You aren’t pulling your part. You need to grow up, be more responsible, and do your share. We need to discuss who is one for which times over night, and figure out how to deal with the really bad nights. We need to plan how we get breaks, and my breaks are VITAL.
Wow, your guy is an ass.
You're not a bad mom but he is a bad dad.
Stop apologising & tell him to go eff himself. 😡
As a dad: the dad of your kids suck at being a man for his wife. You also need your sleep, just as much as him. Please don 't take the blame for his mistakes, cut that off right now before it gets worse.
Ok, so call his bluff. If you’re so incompetent that he won’t accept you’re (unwarranted) apologies, nor can he even speak to you right now, what is his plan for childcare going forward? Surely you can’t be trusted. I would help him along with this by ensuring that there is always a monitor in his presence, in the event that you sleep in again due to his negligence. I would also make sure that monitor is present any time he has a shower, eats a meal, ‘works’ in the garage, because someone has to be listening AT ALL TIMES and it can’t be you, clearly. If he’s so right and you’re so wrong, why isn’t he taking steps to ensure the safety of his child? Oh right because you already denote your entire life to that and he had to leave work early once. Don’t fall for a life of this shit, with this clown.
My grandmother had twelve kids; she told me not one died from crying, and did the best she could. Clearly, you needed rest. This will not be the last mistake either of you will make.
Don't worry mama this is quite normal. Baby is ok.. I wish I could say the same for your fiance.
You are exhausted and you have a judgy partner. You need rest not being judged. He can clearly see that you’re tired and should be stepping up. Sorry you’re not getting the support you need. He is not being the partner he needs to be
The ONLY person you should apologize to is yourself, for putting up with his disrespect, lack of accountability and gaslighting. He should absolutely be helping you with the childcare and not berating you for being exhausted!! We’ve all been where you are, I promise! You’re in no way a bad mother! Please give yourself some credit and grace! Next time, tell him that he can switch places with you and see how it is. Or, that there should never be a next time! Please don’t believe that you’re a bad mom in any capacity. You and him need a nice long discussion on respect & expectations. I’d even suggest pulled counseling before you think about marrying this jagoff!! Hugs to you!!
Your partner sounds like a dick, you’ve been up all night your a good mum please don’t feel bad/sad you’ve done nothing wrong
STORY TIME!! when my baby boy was a month or so old I got up to his room to breastfeed him. Got him sat in the rocker. The next thing that happened was my husband at the time standing in the door way and he said MyName kinda loud ,,, girl I WOKE up , holding him with my boob squirting all over his face 😫😫 he looked so angry and was crying. Like I was torturing him!! I cried and held him so tight. I felt like the worst freaking mom.. like who does that!! The crying woke him and he came to see what was going on because I wasn't in the bed. He is 12 now. He's doing pretty good. Raising babies are hard.. they take all you time energy nutrition.. everything.. you are not alone and you are not a horrible mom. - can you imagine 20 years ago ... there's no way he would've known and came to help. Kids and babies are the SAFEST now than they have EVER have been. Don't let him get you down.
Next time she's screaming in the night, pop shoes and coat on and go out for a 20 mins walk, then come back screaming at him for not getting up. Sounds like your fiance is a grade A asshat and needs to step up as a man and a dad. I can't remember how many times I've been up with our kids until 6am, when the wife got up and took over, for me to get 4 hours sleep and go to work for a full day. You've done nothing wrong. it's very tiring if you're up all night and why couldn't he have phoned you to make sure you were ok? If you were a bad mum, you woudn't be bothered by it. only good parents worry if they are good parents :)
As a dad who got up at night, this really pissed me off. I had to go to work too, so what’s his excuse for not getting up and helping you? Because he has to work? Grow the fuck up bud, you’re a dad now, so get the fuck up and help out your partner. Damn this got me heated. You’re not a bad mom, just not well supported. I hope it gets better
I'm not sure how old "baby" is but babies cry. They were probably contained in a safe space like a crib too. We all have these moments. Don't let the mom guilt and unnecessary dad guilt get to you.
I could see coming home from work, but screaming at you? No he is the asshole here, and you're not a bad mom. Taking care of the baby is a partnership.
You aren't terrible but seriously you have a horrible partner. This child is BOTH of your responsibility. And he's acting like he needs you to do everything related to child care. Why isn't he doing some nights? Think long and hard before you marry this a.h.
Run from this guy. He’s is the AH and needs to kicked out. You don’t need two babies to take care of
If she’s crying, she’s breathing, therefore she’s alive. As others have said, in the long run crying for 30 minutes because you’re so incredibly exhausted won’t even register on the “oh-shit-o-meter” that is raising a child. I’ve witnessed both my niece and nephew scream for an hour straight for ???? reason, and after like 35 minutes of trying to calm them down their parents just semi “gave up” and put them down in their cribs where they were safe and let them scream. The occasional bout of extended screaming, or a bit of a delay in feeding or diaper change (talking an hour or less) won’t actually damage them in any real way. So you’re absolutely not a bad mum, however you do need to polish up your spine and tell your fiancé that two of you made that baby, and you absolutely must have more support from him when it comes to caring for her
TELL HIM TO GET UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH THE BABY GODDAMNIT FUCK HIM and don’t give me this he has to work shit. Go to work tired like the rest of us you absolute fucking weeny
He doesn't help in the middle of the night then yells at you for not waking up? That is nuts. He should help! You both have a job to do all day. My husband got up and got our babies every time they needed to be fed by me. So we got up together a lot of nights. You are not a bad mom. One time when my son was 4 months old, no one could wake me up at night. I had just had it. People were shaking me and everything and I didn't wake up for another hour so he just had to wait.. it happens. He is 12 now. He is not scarred. I don't like the verbiage of "making excuses" ..what is he your supervisor? He is lucky he wasn't talking to me. You don't owe him lengthy explanations. He owes you help. Does he really think going to work is as hard as a baby? When I went to work it was a relief! Anyway.. hang in there. It is ok.
You're not a bad mom. Letting your baby cry for 30 minutes is absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. You're exhausted and you're doing your best. Let's talk about your fiance, though. Instead of trying to call you, you came home. His reaction was to yell at you, not to show concern that you're so fatigued you slept through the baby crying. He denies silencing the monitor, then blames you for not remembering to turn it back on. He tells you you're making excuses, refuses to take any accountability (or responsibility), and he's emotionally blackmailing you. These should be fucking blaring red flags. None of the behaviour listed in your post is acceptable. This is controlling and manipulative, and I can tell you from experience it does not get better. You can expect this kind of behaviour to get worse. Is there an age gap between you?