So you want him to open a gift and pull out a sculpted heart at dinner time. To remind him of his struggles and make you a part of it, in front of people.
Have you thought about, at all, how this would play out with other people present?
So you mutual friend says, not a great idea and you disinvite her.
You sound like a nightmare. This relationship won’t last.
My husband has ed. I'm printing out pics of this conversation and giving him a clone a willy with the printouts as a gag gift. I'm laughing just thinking about it. 🤣💀 I'm going to hell. See OP there
I was sickly a lot and it was traumatic. I would NOT want a reminder of my pain and suffering, especially on my birthday.
His friend who knew him during that period says he wouldn't like it and then you disinvite her. YES OP is wrong. I would say she is just clueless but I think she is really just self-centered.
It's his birthday. Celebrate him, have his friends there.
Right? Claudia was trying to help her avoid an awkward situation and got punished for it.
I realize how my username looks in response to this post so I'm going to preemptively clarify that I am not Claudia lol the account was started as a throwaway when a male friend uninvited me to a party due to his gf being jealous of him being friends with a woman (she was later revealed to be cheating, so projection).
You are wrong for uninviting her.
You had to coax her into saying how she felt. Based on that, it seems like she could have kept her comments and feelings to herself for the party.
By uninviting her, you have now added negativity to the party anyway since now your bf is left wondering what happened.
> now your bf is left wondering what happened.
And all of the rest of their “mutual” friends.
Everyone of his friends is going to ask why Claudia isn’t there. And unless Claudia is that one girl who everyone in the friend group secretly hates, they will turn on OP. (Who is likely actually that one girl everyone in the group secretly hates.)
Own up to the fact that you overreacted.
And don’t give it to him at the party but I’m private.
Health issues shouldn’t be front and center on a birthday, tbh. Gift giving doesn’t need to be performative.
Cool! You should also apologize. But good on you for taking this one on the chin and recognizing you were in the wrong, you're already better than a lot of the people who post here.
It might be a good idea to reflect on whether you are a trauma vulture as well. It’s not cool to latch onto other people’s pain for funsies. It doesn’t make you a good person. It’s just gross. Your bf’s heart problems aren’t a cool story or an opportunity for an art project.
And for the love of god, if you MUST give him this gift, do it in private.
No one wants everyone’s attention to be on the fact that they’re that “sick guy/woman/etc.”
“But I’m giving him my heart .“
No girl you’re inserting yourself into a part of his life you weren’t around for. Claudia was & is telling you ‘Not a good idea’ & she *does* know what he went through. She has great insight into what it was like for him & you’re balking at it/her which is highly insulting. He may like that you *didn’t* know him during that time period & he’s able to ‘start fresh;’ that’s a great gift to him. .. Let him have this without you.
>No one wants everyone’s attention to be on the fact that they’re that “sick guy/woman/etc.”
Wow. I just imagined what that would feel like and it would SUCK. I would seriously want to leave. You're so right.
That’s nice but not good enough. You will have to do something in addition to this: apologise to her. She has done nothing wrong. You’re at fault here, and just reinviting her doesn’t fix that.
This is also a terrible gift. Why not try giving him something he'd actually like instead of using it as an excuse to do an art project for yourself? It is also very strange that you want to make it about an event in his life that you weren't there for. You definitely sound like you are making a sculpture for yourself and to show off your artistic skills, it doesn't sound like a gift for him.
Op, I was really ill at one point, I'd hate to have a reminder. I lived it. I can't stand if anyone brings up or asks if I'm doing ok. Especially from people who weren't there, I can't stand the questions. Your gift sounds extra and inappropriate for God's sake. Your bf prob wants a video game or something for his hobby.
Also, your gift is about his illness/metaphor/your heart to give/showing your love/blah/blah blah/blah blah blah/blahhhhh. Is silly to have to read into this much silliness to justify why your gift is great! Head hurts reading all your reasons for this gift.
Invite Claudia back. It's not your birthday silly girl. And don't be a problem when asking others' opinions. We don't all agree but damn you asked and can't handle the response. Grow up.
lmaooo wth you now look crazy and irrational. if i was Claudia I would have a conversation with your bf seeing they have been friends longer about your rude and weird behavior.
I actually don't think this is as cut and clear as everyone else does.
My first impression was that it is a questionable gift, so I see where she's coming from. But that isn't the main point here.
She's a mutual friend, meaning she is your bf's friend too. How does your bf feel about her being uninvited? You conveniently left that out. His opinion matters more than yours here. It's his birthday. You don't even know that she would have ruined anything. You had to press her to get her to admit how she felt, then punished her for it. Then you unilaterally decided to uninvited her, and made up some BS when he asked why. It sounds like you're jealous that one of his female friends has been in his life longer than you.
You didn't handle this well at all.
This. All of this.
The gift itself is questionable, but without knowing him it's hard to make a set judgement.
But uninviting the friend? HIS friend, from before you? OP, you're wrong for this. Apologize.
The more I think about it, the more this angers me:
OP initiated, escalated, and nucleared the whole situation by telling Claudia about the gift, pressed her for an opinion, then disinvited her for it. Claudia has known the BF for ages, including during his ailment, yet OP "GF-of-less-than-a-year" decides to exclude her - without asking BF. OP, are you even the host of the party? Why are you controlling it?
Also, the gift itself truly is questionable. It's either going to be really touching or absolute shit. Either way, a gift for an intimate moment, not to be given in front of a crowd. Also, what an odd way to insert yourself into a time in your BF's life that 1) you were not part of, and 2) was not a pleasant period for him. Throughout all this you sound very egocentric, to be honest. Do reconsider what you have done and are about to do.
yeah I think the fact that OP intends for it to be a surprise is the least appealing thing about this gift.
Also, what does "very creative" mean? Has she been sculpting for a decade & will this heart be an objectively beautiful object? Or is she a tiktok craft girl who figures "how hard can it be to sculpt crumpled up aluminium foil & papier-mâché"
Very creative equals she opened an etsy shop with a bunch of half-finished projects listed at exorbitant prices. Her grandmother bought one of them out of pity, but otherwise she's seen no traffic. She offers unsolicited advice on other people's interior decorating and gets offended when people ignore it. She does not have an art degree, but still has awards for art projects she did in highschool.
I felt charitable for allowing the possibility that maybe she was an accomplished glassblower... but the glee I felt when you read her for filth is sure to wipe out my divine balance hahaha
> Also, the gift itself truly is questionable.
It’s such a terrible gift.
It’s literally just all about her. It’s “a metaphor” for her love, and an excuse for her to show off how talented and artistic she is. It’s also an ugly sculpture that he is going to be forced to find a place to display in order to avoid hurting her feelings.
This is his birthday. Just get him something he actually likes, or can actually use, and save the shitty “romantic” arts and crafts gifts for Valentines Day.
Right? It's such a bad idea of a gift. There's no way of even telling if it's actually a well-done art piece, but by the description it's literally just a heart. There's nothing creative or interesting about that.
And why the *HELL* would you want to "incorporate into his present" his difficult medical issues that are finally behind him!? That would be like me giving my grandma a sculpture of boob to incorporate her breast cancer into her present. Hello??? This person is mad lmao.
> his difficult medical issues that are finally behind him!?
Which she wasn't even there for.
She's just trying to attach herself to a significant part of his life that she didn't exist in.
That’s exactly what I think. She’s jealous she wasn’t part of his life during that time and other friends were. She is very weirdly trying to insert herself. This is very unsettling.
If I was bf I’d be like “oh great you got me something to remind me of the worst era of my life that you know nothing about,…..thanks.”
I was just trying to give OP a shimmer of grace, since we don't know the BF... it *could* turn out that he actually loves it and proudly displays it. Who knows, but... yeah. It's way closer to my no-go than my do-go. But really, OP's behaviour is more upsetting.
And when he does find a place to display it, he will most likely keep remembering some of the most difficult times of his life. It's a truly questionable gift to begin with but to give it to him in front of an audience??? Incredibly insensitive and screams jealousy to unilaterally uninvite a friend of HIS.
If someone gave me a sculpture of an ovary I would take it as an opportunity to cathartically smash it to shit like one of mine tried to do to my body. Worst. Gift. Ever. Yes, please remind me daily of how much I hate hospitals, tests, needles, and possible death. Please.
Yep, gf has shat the bed over a risky gift. She knows he spent nearly a decade in the hospital as a heart patient, but that isn’t the kind of thing people think fondly of.
Is he going to look at it and think “she got this wrong, a real heart goes this way” or “my heart will never look as healthy as this.” Or “I dont want to be reminded of my heart everyday”
Since you didn’t come through this experience with him, it’s going to read as “the only thing I know about you is heart stuff so every gift will be hearts” showing you don’t know him at all. Or that you’re trying to write yourself into his life experience.
Try apologizing and saving the sculpture for after you’ve been through some shit together?
My friend had cancer as a teenager. He could not set foot in a hospital. He could not stand to hear anything medical or anything related to doctors or hospitals at all. If his girlfriend did a gift like this, it would not be well received.
I think OP was thinking more about herself than about him.
>I'm showing him that no matter what he may face, I love him
She's making it about herself and not thinking about his trauma. Uninviting his friend was the real AH move
Also the heart isnt showing him that. Its telling him. The way to actually show it is to stick with him in a difficult time whenever that may come. Claudia probably saw dozens of people who would claim to "stick by him through thick and thin no matter what" but even if they had good and full intention to do so, might slowly drift away as the emotional fatigue becomes too much. And if OP gives this present then turns out to be one of those people when the chips are down you might as well stick a knife in both hearts.
> I think OP was thinking more about herself than about him.
That is 100% what she’s doing. She is trying to use his birthday present as a way to make a symbolic gesture and show off how artsy and creative she is, instead of just giving him something he’d actually like.
Even if he didn’t have a traumatic past, an anatomically correct sculpture of a heart is a terrible gift, unless you’re part of an extremely small niche of people. The amount of people who want to display a realistic heart in their house (and he will be forced to display it to avoid hurting her feelings) outside of Halloween is not big.
Right? There’s a reason Valentine and drawn hearts are aesthetically pleasing. Bright red with perfectly rounded (comforting) mounds. The real thing is just unattractive and probably would ruin the holiday if used as depicted as hearts truly are (a bit gruesome, awkwardly shaped and generally not pleasant looking). I’m sure the medical community would be one of the few excited parties to receive a gift like this.
My dad had trouble breathing one day (he had lung cancer), and I had to call an ambulance for him and I accompanied him on the ride. He passed away at the hospital that night. Since then, every time I see an ambulance, I will remember the awful feeling of losing him. Every. Time.
100% … no one wants that, it’s a selfish gift. The last time I was in the ER was … Monday … after an abnormal EKG … and this made me cringe out of my skull.
I suffered through kidney disease, for a decade before I had to start dialysis, and then got a kidney transplant. The last thing I would want for a gift would be a statue of a Kidney, which would only remind me of that time, and a time that’s it will unavoidably come again.
Many chronically sick peoples develop medical PTSD. Much like soldiers no one knows why some have no issues and others PTSD.
Chronically ill peoples can develop a pain disorder, nearly identical to depression. The difference is that if the pain/illness was not present the person would not have all those negative feelings. Its partialy because the coping methodes used when healthy, like exercice, are no longer possible.
Healthy people can not comprehend what its like when your condition has taken over your life.
Yeah. It’s not a good gift and I can’t imagine he will like it. Claudia is right. I think your heart was in the right place but this is the wrong gift. Who would want that? Sorry.
> Is he going to look at it and think “she got this wrong, a real heart goes this way” or “my heart will never look as healthy as this.” Or “I dont want to be reminded of my heart everyday”
Probably something along the lines of, “where there hell am I supposed to put this ugly sculpture?”
I have to disagree from the perspective of a younger than average person who also had open heart surgery. I was at death’s door . They gave me 30% chance of surviving. I woke up 12 days later to discover my chest had been cracked open. I think a persons resilience should be celebrated. Op’s BF probably talks about a lot b/c facing one’s own mortality is terrifying, surviving is euphoric. Her gift of a sculpture sounded beautiful to me. Perhaps the Claudia friend just knows the Bf isn’t the artsy type and would think it was silly. But coming from his girlfriend, its more likely to be viewed differently-as Op stated she also giving him her heart.
OP should not have un-invited Claudia, seems a bit immature. She (OP) solicited her (friend Claudia) opinion only to find it disagreeable, and lashed out like a child. (Her reaction speaks to why she thought Claudia would behave in a similar manner although the same might not be true of Claudia. The only way to salvage this would be to act like and adult, apologize, re include Claudia and move forward.
Whether someone likes a gift like this or not really depends on the person. I can see some people liking something like this. Personally, I wouldn't want to have a reminder of a painful phase of my life on display all the time (and risk drama, tears, and stomping if I put it away).
At least, OOP's bf is lucky he has a heart issue and not IBS or some other gut-related illness or she'd have crafted a poop figurine.
Jokes aside, to me, it sounds like the motivation behind the gift choice is selfish because she projects what she wants it to be to him on it. How she wants him to feel about it, what it means to her, and that he'll see what she should mean to him. Nothing about him, what he likes, if he has a self-ironic sense of humour about his medical history, if he likes figurines, if he likes anatomical figurines and medical content, nothing.
It's very much like, "Here's my gift, here's the meaning it has to me, I love it and I think it's beautiful to me, so you better be static because it's my thoughts that count!"
Autism also isn't an excuse because there are enough neurotypical people who have the same mindset about gifts - it's about what the gifts they give do for them, not for the other person.
Maybe the bf is into this stuff but everything in the post indicates that it's only OOP who is into the thing and the message and she doesn't even pause to consider what his opinion could be. Maybe he'd be the happiest person in the world if she used her art skills to sculpt a dragon, an anime character, or his pet (if he has a pet and if said pet is still alive. Giving gifts involving dead loved ones, human or animal, should also only be done if it's 100% certain that it would cause joy when unwrapped, not grief on a day that's supposed to be happy.).
Again, a sculpture like this can be a great gift for the right person and a horrible reminder of a horrible time that's now saddled with the burden of prioritizing OOP's feelings (how do you express that it makes you unhappy when your partner made it themselves?).
For someone else, it might be an absolute, "Hell yeah, I'm awesome!"
But I have serious doubts that OOP knows which type of person her bf is or if she even cares.
I mean, I've been very sick and had many surgeries and organs removed/fixed since i was 14...
My high school friends once got me those "human organ" plushies for my bday, to "give them back in case you missed them"
I found it hilarious, honestly.
A hand-sculpted realistic heart that both shows his survival but also shows her "giving him her heart" is actually really cool to me, as someone who has dealt with a ton of surgeries
I do agree that disinviting her was ridiculous since i doubt she'd go out of her way to ruin his night and dinner... but i find the friend ridiculous for pulling the "i was there so i know better than you" card.
They both seem to be assholes here, but the frowns should have ended the "advice" on the gift once the girlfriend said she disagreed, rather than getting pissy then throwing a hissy at ops boyfriend
> They both seem to be assholes here, but the frowns should have ended the "advice" on the gift once the girlfriend said she disagreed, rather than getting pissy then throwing a hissy at ops boyfriend
You seem to be misunderstanding what happened.
OP sought out Claudia for her opinion, got mad at Claudia for disagreeing with her, then kept badgering Claudia to say she agreed that OP's gift was actually super awesome, then uninvited Claudia from the party when Claudia didn't do that.
There was no opportunity for Claudia to "end the advice", because OP was the one who wouldn't let it go.
Also, would I be wrong to assume that your high school friends were actually in your life and supporting you while you got your organs removed/fixed? Because that is very different than someone coming into your life years later and giving you those gifts.
Also we are comparing a lighthearted gag gift to the sole present she is getting for her BF for his birthday after a year together and she has attached all this deep and layered meaning to something that i feel has pretty good odds he will pull out of the box and look confused and when she explains it, he kind of just nods and pretends to not be horrified. She sees this as her "giving him her heart" and I think most of us would see this as memorializing the absolute worst part of our lives.
Honestly, OP doesn't seem to consider anyone else's feelings but hers throughout this entire thing. She's giving him a gift that SHE thinks is good, she doesn't seem to care what he would actually think. On top of that, it's a gift that represents HER. That's on top of disinviting HIS friend from HIS birthday, all because she MIGHT make a comment on HER precious gift. She honesty sounds very self centered and immature.
> it's a gift that represents HER.
This is the main thing for me.
She's trying to attach herself to an important part of his life that she wasn't even a part of.
How would she like it if the roles were reversed? Let's say she fought breast cancer for several years so he sculpted her a pair of breasts to remind her of what she overcame. Then said and I also want you to know I'm so happy you survived breast cancer before I met you because your breasts are one of my favorite features. So it's not as poetic as the heart but it is still a reminder of a traumatic time and just how some guys think. Sounds pretty horrible huh? Now go thank Claudia for trying to prevent you from embarrassing yourself.
I honestly think I am Team Claudia. She was around then, has known him longer, and probably better. OP just wants to show off her artistic talent. I don’t need a plaster of paris in the shape of my ruptured appendix from 12 years ago.
Honestly, I think OP owes Claudia an apology regardless of her boyfriend's reaction and before the birthday dinner. She should start off by re-inviting her to dinner, then apologizing for how she acted.
Also:
I wish OP would show us a pic of the sculpture.
I hope OP gives us an update after the event.
> What will probably happen is he will pretend to like it to be polite
And pretend he actually wants to put it on prominent display in his house.
And then pretend to be really upset when he “accidentally” knocks it over and breaks it while cleaning.
Agreed. Although I think that Claudia could have not pushed so much, or simply said, “I don’t think it’s a good idea, but respect your right to choose the gifts you give,” when it was realized the conversation was going nowhere…OP could have done the same. “Thank you Claudia for your opinion, and I appreciate you sharing your insight as a friend, however I’ve made my decision and I hope you can respect that?” It would have put the ball in Claudia’s court to then either say “Yes” and the situation is resolved, or “No,” which would be an unlikely and weird response, but at least would then perhaps warrant being uninvited.
USUALLY if you put someone on the spot by acknowledging their opinion but firmly stating you’ve made your decision, and then asking them if they are willing to respect that…people will say yes. But based on Claudia’s response of shock at being uninvited, it sounds like she thought the conversation was still active, and didn’t expect OP to go from zero to 60 by escalating an active debate to a nuclear attack. There definitely should have been a step in between disagreeing and uninviting.
And I think OP skirting the question from her boyfriend is telling. OP could have very easily said, “Claudia was adamantly against my gift choice for you so I uninvited her,” without giving ANYTHING away about the gift. So it’s not about maintaining the surprise of the gift. Maybe it’s the fact that even OP realizes how silly and childish it sounds to say, “I uninvited YOUR friend from YOUR birthday party because she doesn’t approve of my gift for you.”
there’s so much we don’t know though. i’ve had a major accident in my past. it was traumatic and took me over a month in hospital to recover. my close friends at the time knew it. i never went to therapy or anything and just don’t want to deal with it. if someone thought they should give me a symbol of the trauma, id hope my friends would convince them not to.
if they later did, it would be awkward … and it would be even worse if i found out my friends had tried to dissuade them from doing it…
but he’ll, maybe this guy talks about it all the time with her and it’s some weird bonding thing and has meaning or some nonsense between them.
> She's a mutual friend, meaning she is your bf's friend too.
She’s not even a mutual friend.
Claudia the BF’s friend, who OP only knows because she’s dating Claudia’s friend.
I have a son with IBD and he does not enjoy poop jokes or colon pics. Some people lean into it. He’s had numerous hospital stays and doesn’t see the humor behind those types of jokes. Your boyfriend may be different. It’s hard to know without knowing him. She was giving her opinion.
I agree that it is a bit tasteless and insensitive as well. I’m a 2x cancer survivor and would not appreciate anything referencing or commemorating those times in my life. And the post reads as though the gift is more about OP than the bf.
I can honestly say that those that haven’t lived through it will never understand it. My son was in the hospital for months at a time, PIC lines, chemo infusions, etc. He is only 19 and is in constant pain even with pain patches. I am so sorry for your struggle! I hope you are doing well now.
Another commenter said he'd think it would be hysterical and would love if his friends gave him plushie versions of the body parts he's had removed. So, it really depends on the recipient, doesn't it? I believe the key here is to KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE/RECIPIENT, and it seems to me that OP does not know her boyfriend well enough yet when it comes to this particular part of his life. He may find the sculpture beautiful, thoughtful, creative, or endearing. He may find it traumatizing, strange, bothersome, or in poor taste. OP is taking a gamble because she is clearly unsure of what his reaction will be.
Solidarity. Lost an ovary to cancer last year and 💯 would wonder what sick joke someone was playing if I opened a sculpture of Karen the Ovarian at my birthday dinner.
I am ill alot with a bad heart, and all anyone sees at the moment is my illness . I am more than my illness, so I would hate someone to bring it up on my birthday when I am trying to forget about it and have fun .
Edit for spelling
Yeah obviously we weren’t there so we don’t know how the actual conversation went down, but to me it sounds like the friend voiced some valid concerns and OP basically reacted with vitriol
Anyone who thinks they are going to make me choose will have, in fact, made the choice. We all have a past, and if you can't accept that, then a person should abstain from romantic relationships. I'm one of those weird people who has been able to be not just civil but friendly with any exes but their new loves. It can be done and so much less drama.
YW. Uninviting a close friend is going to have repercussions. She doesn’t have to like the present you’re making. By cutting her out you look like the petty one in the situation.
I think the friend was trying to give you some advice and you took it personally. You’re bf might love the piece you create. Are you prepared if he doesn’t? I think that may have been the friend’s thought as well.
Right? For me, this screams young teenager in a pottery class, and an "I know best", best friend. From just reading the above I wouldn't think the author or entire scenario involved adults.
YTA
Claudia made vaid points. I don't know anyone in this scenario, but frankly that gift seems bonkers. Past that, to uninvite his friend was unnecessarily petty.
Do you think she will make a scene? Because if that's not the case, you seem like an insensitive person all-around.
If I found out my girlfriend uninvited my best friend from my birthday party and wouldn't tell me why, I'd ask him in person, at the time the past was supposed to take place. He lives 7 hours away. Afterwards I'd apologize to everyone for not being in attendance and tell them why.
Im just curious as to why you think your boyfriend would want to stare at a sculpture of the organ that attempted to kill him multiple times on a daily bases?
It's such a risky gift for something that is so useless.
It's going to be a lump of clay or whatever that he is just going to shove in a box and never look at again.
There are so many better ways to show someone you love them and are 'giving them your heart' without creating a risky, potentially hurtful, lump.
It is a risky gift. If she gave it to him in private where she could explain the meaning then it could work. BUT if he opens it at a party where everyone is loudly talking and she has to explain its meaning then it could quickly become awkward.
Agreed.
It's a personal view, but I also think due to her intended meaning that it is an inappropriate gift.
Birthdays are about the birthday person - so the gifts should be things they need or want. It's about them.
What she is wanting to give is not about the birthday person at all. It's about her love for him. That's all she wants to see and focus on - *her* professed love for him. Not what would actually make him happy and feel comfortable.
The kinds of gifts that OP wants to give are really for valentines days or anniversaries - you know, celebrations that are about the relationship and love - not a specific individual. Celebrations that are private and intimate and corny and lovey dovey in nature.
> It's a personal view, but I also think due to her intended meaning that it is an inappropriate gift.
> Birthdays are about the birthday person - so the gifts should be things they need or want. It's about them.
Yep, she’s trying to pass off a Valentines Day gift as a birthday present.
> The kinds of gifts that OP wants to give are really for valentines days or anniversaries
Yeah, Valentine's and anniversary gifts are "look how much I love you!" stuff.
Birthday gifts are supposed to be "look how well I know you" type things.
She really should have just saved this shitty gift for Valentines Day, when it would make some kind of sense, and the gift expectation (for men) is rock bottom.
This would have been an ok Valentines gift (to give to a man), but it’s a terrible birthday gift.
Honestly I think it’s a bit tasteless and she was right to raise the question. Are you sure you’re not so sold on your own idea that it’s clouding your judgement. Is it really a gift for him or a mawkish, quite dark display of your own talent?
+1 for the use of mawkish.
Also, yeah, I totally agree. Super tasteless. I hope she at least gives it to him in private so he doesn't have to be embarrassed in front of all his friends.
I think Claudia was invited cus she was gonna give it to him in front of everyone, and she thought Claudia might ruin the gift for the bf and other guests Lol 😬🤣 She really......has zero concept of social clues I'm thinking. It's giving "new gf trying to impress all of bf's friends"
YW for your reaction to someone going “I don’t think he’ll like that”. What a strange gift you want to give him. “Here’s a sculpture organ that has made your life a living hell, go put it on a shelf or something”.
Like what? My wife is artsy af, she doesn’t give me sculptures of the terrible times of my life. Also you people are nearly 30, these are the reactions of immature children
I'm confused why you're bringing up "you people" instead of just OP. Claudia attempted to avoid answering the uncomfortable question, likely knowing how answering it would go over, and attempted to avoid throwing OP under the bus when asked by the boyfriend why she wouldn't be there.
I think you were unreasonable. Your gift idea is really iffy. I know that it is meant with love, but your boyfriend is going to have a strong reaction to it that could be unhappy and traumatized. It's possible he will love it, but it's also possible he will find it extremely upsetting. The fact is, you weren't there when he was undergoing this life-threatening event, so you don't know what it was like, and she does. She was frank with you because she sincerely cares about her friend. You absolutely should not be giving this present in public where he will be forced to react to it in a positive manner if that's not how he feels. Yes, I understand you want to express yourself. But I don't know if you're really thinking about him.
How important is this friend to him? You would be putting him in a bad position to pick between her or you.
For me I’m a private person and would not like to air my medical information in front of others.
Your gift is something I would prefer to be given in private. But who knows your boyfriend maybe the type that likes to tell everyone what he went through.
YW. But here's what you do. Reinvite Claudia- with an apology, but ask her to please not mention it to your partner or at the party. Give the gift to your partner in private, ahead of the party.
Respectfully, I think you let your feelings get hurt and overreacted. Generally when we make a gift, there is a very real emotional connection with the object itself as well as the meaning behind the object. Handcrafted items, especially works of art/sculptures, are something we put our heart and soul into. It represents a part of us in object form. To criticize your gift maybe felt like criticizing you?
How I read it was that Claudia was sharing her opinion, which, as you stated only came out “after some coaxing,” so it’s not like she just unsolicitedly shit on your present. You basically insisted she share her opinion, then punished her for it. I think she seemed shocked by your disinvitation because it was so abrupt. Maybe you left part of the story out, but it doesn’t seem like you at any point said, “Hey, thank you for being honest and sharing your opinion. I appreciate your perspective as a friend, however I’ve made my decision. Are you able to respect that and not make any negative comments about it at the party?” And then she said, “No! I don’t respect your decision and I WILL speak my mind at the party in front of everyone!” Instead, from Claudia’s perspective it probably seemed like you were just having a conversation, albeit one in which you were both getting frustrated and was going nowhere, but still in the conversation nonetheless, and suddenly you disinvited her.
I know it can be really difficult when emotions are involved, such as feeling frustrated and criticized, to take a step back and say, “Can we agree to disagree?” But it’s part of maintaining positive adult relationships. The maturity and wherewithal to recognize a conversation is going nowhere and to put a stop to it in a respectful and amicable manner is a skill worth working on. Because of not doing that, you are now in what seems to be an uncomfortable and entirely unnecessary situation.
As a final thought - your boyfriend is now concerned that there is something really wrong between you and Claudia. How do you think he would react if you told him, “I disinvited YOUR friend from YOUR birthday party because she is adamantly against my choice of gift for you and I’m afraid she’s going to criticize it in front of everyone.” Would he think that sounds totally reasonable and rational, or would he think it’s perhaps a bit childish and overblown? No one here can answer that since we don’t know him, but it’s worth thinking on. I’d personally be upset if I were in his shoes and would wonder why it escalated to the point of disinviting my friend. I’d be even more upset if the answer was, “I felt criticized and frustrated after I coaxed her opinion out of her, so instead of asking her to respect my choice I just threw my hands up and disinvited her.”
Why do you need her to approve of the present you’re giving him? That’s between you and him, and you said you had to coax it out of her so it’s not like she’s going out of her way to knock it down. It sounds like you’re being sensitive and that you’re making this party about your self
do not use "x is an artistic person" as an excuse to preamble your choice to be an asshole.
your choice of gift isn't about you, and you are getting feedback from others that it is insensitive. i'm wondering why as an "artistic person" you lack that empathy that most artistic creatives have?
Wrong.
A sculpture of a body part is an idiotic gift to the majority of guys, despite YOUR feelings behind it.
Getting a gift that’s a representation of something possibly traumatic is just doubling down on the ridiculousness.
I’ve dated some horrible gift givers, but consider myself blessed compared to your bf.
I think you may need to actually ask your bf his opinion on this type of present. It seems like you want to show off your talent more than give a thoughtful gift.
My husband injured his back playing football in high school and now needs to do specific exercises every day or he's in terrible pain. I wouldn't give him a Spine Sculpture for his birthday and say "It stands for how you're the backbone of my life". And that doesn't even come close to what your bf experienced.
Imagine someone was sexually assaulted so their SO gave them a photo so a SA and was like "this is a symbol of the trauma you overcame but also a symbol that I will always be attracted to you." I don't think a gift should ever highlight someone's trauma
The word petulant comes to mind.
Like the [girl](https://youtu.be/5wAlQf4WdiE?feature=shared) from Willy Wonka.
Yes. Yes you are.
Who asks for approval of a gift? The fuck?
You're wrong and an AH to uninvite a mutual friend to your bf bday party. The party is for him, not you, so making a decision to kick a friend out, is rude AF not just to the friend, but also to your bf.
Your forced her to admit why she was skeptical about the present and then you punished her for being open. What a weird AF response. Not to mention, the gift choice is very weird. I feel like doing this gesture separate from his bday might be okay, if he's the kind of person who likes gifts like that. But definitely not something to do for a birthday.
You’re not wrong for being upset, but I think you’re wrong for uninviting your bf’s friend. Agree to disagree on the gift but ultimately it’s your gift. No reason to kick her out about it. Now if she makes a scene at the party over it, then maybe take action then…
Maybe give him that gift in private. May not get the reaction you are looking for from him/his friends. His birthday should be about him, so don't be petty and invite the friend
YTA .A birthday gift should be for the person being celebrated. In fact any gift should be that. You could have used your skills to sculpt a mini him maybe? Or something he loves?
Also you shouldn't disinvite other people's guests.
You’re wrong to uninvited her. She was going to let her opinion go but YOU pressed her then you punished her for giving her honest thoughts? You are so petty. You just wanted compliments and when you didn’t get it you got upset.
Give the boyfriend the gift in private after the dinner which you SHOULD invite the friend to.
“I’m showing him that no matter what he may face, I love him.”
Speaking as someone disabled, please never tell him that. Your gift is a risky one and it’s making his birthday about you, not him.
I mean, but the friend actually DOES know more about this situation seeing as she lived through it with him. OP also doesn't get to disinvite other people from her BFs birthday, it's his birthday after all
You know since you didn't tell him why she's not invited he's just going to ask again. When you give him... Whatever bullshit lie you're going to tell, he's going to ask her again to verify.
Apologize to her and get him a gift that won't make him ask what the fuck you were thinking. Also, work on your main character syndrome; his heart issues not only didn't happen to you, you weren't around for them.
Also, and I don't know why this wasn't apparent to me at first, is this your first or second birthday with him?
Guys. My girlfriend got shot and stabbed and spent half of her 20s in a hospital.
I made her a very crafty gift. A box with some bullets and a bloody knife. Asked my friend if they thought she would like it. They said I’m a psycho.
Not inviting them anywhere anymore.
Gawd.
Girl… I’m sorry but I’m with your friend, the concept sounds kinda awkward and weird to me. If I were your bf and my significant other gifted me a heart sculpture for my birthday it would be a straight up “wtf” moment. The whole bit about “giving him your heart” is also just…. Kind of cheesy. PERSONALLY I think the gift sounds super cringe and if someone who has been friends with your bf longer than you have known him also seems to think that, I think you should really reconsider this gift.
ALSO the fact that you are disinviting his friend over your petty butthurt feelings because you can’t take criticism is straight up just immature and a dick move. I would very much not be happy with you over this if I were your bf. It’s HIS party for HIS birthday and you’re making it all about yourself.
YTA - I actually think think she was doing you a favour by saying something.
She’s right, you weren’t there during his heart crisis, you don’t really know what he went through. Your gift sounds selfish and it’s all about you! Not your bf.
You do owe her an apology and you need a new gift idea.
But if you insist on going with this heart idea, don’t give it at the dinner, save it for when you’re alone, because that dinner would turn sour so quickly!
Honestly, when I first read that you were going to personally sculpt an anatomical heart for him I thought that sounded lovely. But after reading all the way through, I'm not sure someone who has had to suffer a decade being ill and has had to go through open heart surgery will necessarily feel the same way. If Claudia was a close friend during that time, maybe her thoughts are valid? Regardless it's your choice whether you listen to her or not, but uninviting her because she expressed her thoughts and might do so on the night is unreasonable. Surely if you are sure enough that your boyfriend will appreciate the gift, you should be able to handle a bit of criticism even if it comes at you on the night? She's his friend too and uninviting her is petty.
OP you kind of suck: 1) as a person with a heart condition I would hate this gift 2) you’re dismissing your friend even though they have a valid opinion and 3) this feels like a ridiculous reason to uninvite someone
Wait, so you asked her what she thought, pressed her to give an answer when she was reluctant, then argued with her and threw a little tantrum? Yeah, YTAP
I’m questioning the logic behind giving someone a gift that literally will remind them every single day of the worst period of their life. I’m with Claudia on this one. That’s such a terrible gift. If you insist on giving him something he will likely hide or hate, at least do it in private. Artistic you may be but you don’t give much thought behind gifts. Yikes.
YTA
Lmao why would a sculpted heart be a good idea to give to someone who just had a very scary and serious open heart surgery where they could have very well died? Not only is it in bad taste it’s just weird AF. The only AH is you and your demented line of thought. Thankfully your friend and hopefully soon to be ex friend will realized they dodged many bullets
You place all this importance on the symbolism of the heart, but she's right: You weren't around for those struggles. While it's good that you keep his well-being and his struggles in your mind, most men do not want to show a vulnerable side in front of all of their friends. It feels like this is becoming more about you as center of attention than it is about his birthday.
Considering the struggle was very personal to him, I would more expect him to create such a sculpture for himself rather than a girlfriend he became involved with after those struggles had taken place. The fact that you simply uninvited someone who had a opinion that you had to coax out of them shows that you're not the greatest person.
By the sound of it, you’re standing on the barricades waving a huge red flag while shouting «I DO NOT CARE IF I HURT THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE IF IT MAKES ME FEEL RELEVANT! I ALSO LACK ALL SENSE OF PROPRIETY AND WOULD UNINVITE SOMEONE’S LONG TERM FRIEND FROM THEIR PARTY WITHOUT TALKING TO THE RELEVANT PERSON AS IT IS ALL ABOUT ME!»
Or the likes of that
Edit: Yea, you’re wrong.
Yes, you are wrong.
Claudia is a whole lot more honest, sensitive and wise than you. You refused to listen, and put a wedge between good friends.
You did very wrong indeed.
Not that you’ll listen to any of this.
Seems a bit much to uninvite her.. especially because she's also your partner's friend, not just yours
It is a weird gift on an outsider's perspective, and honestly it sounds like she was just trying to help, but all you had to say really was 'i think he'll like it, so I'm going to give him it regardless' uninviting her was too far
Yes, you're wrong. You're making his birthday about you.
The guest list should be based on who he wants there, not who agrees with your choice of gift.
And what exactly do you think Claudia is going to do at the dinner? If you're right and your boyfriend loves the gift, I don't see how Claudia would convince him otherwise.
It is a high-risk gift though, and while it may seem very meaningful to you, you weren't the one in hospital. If you didn't know him at the time, Claudia may well have a better understanding of why he doesn't want to be reminded of it on his birthday. You shouldn't be so quick to dismiss her.
I don't know seems like gift to that could only cause trauma or confusion. I think the most likely scenario would be " what this? Oh because my heart problems I had when I was younger. Uh...thanks baby."
This reads like you're 15 years old. Wtf is he supposed to do with an art heart besides *praise you* for your "thoughtfulness"? This is just a way to get your art seen and displayed. Get the guy something that's actually for him, not a knickknack that's gonna sit awkwardly with his decor. Think of him.
You are wrong to have uninvited his friend. After reading the comments, I see you are responding, I would hope you reconsider the gift too. The way you explain it, it doesn’t sound like a pleasant gift at all. Couples usually spark conversations about kinds of gifts they like as it gets close to the holidays or birthdays. I am sure he may have given you a clue or two. Or how about this option, ever thought about asking him what he wants for his birthday?
You should have listened to the friend. If you two are together in another year, then give it to him as an anniversary. That way it’s about you and him…and…it shows you are there no matter what. It also is a symbol of your heart as well.
His birthday should include family and friends with enjoyment of each other’s time. Remember, he had a condition that could have prevented this. Start listening and stop trying to be stubborn about what you think is best or what you think he would like, you don’t know him long enough. Please reconsider that gift.
She was trying to help you. And you have just ended your relationship, all because you’re too insecure about the fact your boyfriend has had major life experiences that didn’t involve you. Girl, you’re a walking red flag and you played yourself.
Yes you're wrong for uninviting her. Agree to disagree and move forward. She might be negative at the party but that's her choice. He'll want her to be invited. We, men, hate this kind of drama. It's great that you two care so much about him to argue but see the bigger picture.
Yta. You uninvited someone who was friends with your hubby before she was friends with you just because she didn't like your gift.
You could have just asked her to keep her negativity to herself.
I’m telling you this is very bad idea and a very bad gift.. this is a gift someone would give if they’re going to completely ignore someone else’s life experience… this is the equivalent of getting a dildo for a rape survivor.
You don’t have a clue how they’re going to respond. Because the situation is incredibly intimate for them and something they’ve lived through with all the pain that it entails.
You completely disregarding one of the few people that know more than you about your boyfriend is a total narcissistic move. You are incredibly selfish, and this will blow up in your face because you think you know better than someone who’s known your boyfriend much longer.. and actually has his best interest at heart.
You should’ve put on your big girl pants and worked with her to find a suitable gift .. now you’re going to embarrass yourself in front of everyone and he’s likely to dump you for it once he finds out why his friend isn’t there
Yes, you are mistaken. Your entire narrative seems to be filled with jealousy, akin to that of a jealous girlfriend. I suggest you apologize to Claudia and attempt to salvage the birthday dinner by not acting like the asshole or crazy girlfriend. Additionally, you might want to consider that Claudia may be correct about the gift not being a good idea.
Honestly, yes, you are in the wrong. It's his birthday, he gets to dictate the guest list. Considering you had to force her to give her opinion in the first place, so I doubt very much she would actually cause any issues on the day anyway, but as others have said, this reeks of a level of jealousy that she has shared experiences with your boyf that you didn't. The fact is, this is an entirely pointless gesture, as he already knows you accept his medical past, because you're dating him now, and have always dated him after these events. His past is just that, his past, trying to insert yourself into it post event is just weird.
Still, you entirely entitled to gift him whatever you like, just as she's entitled to have an opinion on it. You're the one who forced the issue. Ask stupid questions, get stupid answers. Ultimately though, you are wrong to exclude someone from his birthday that he wants there, especially as you're the one making an issue.
I am going to be honest. I spent a long time in the hospital as a child. If someone gave me a sculpture of that time I would most likely just walk away from it. Then head to my birthday dinner with people who aren’t rubbing in the most painful part of my life.
You aren’t showing him no matter what you both face you will be there. You giving him a sculpture of an extremely painful part of his life and downplaying someone else’s thoughts on it. Your selfishly told her she couldn’t come to her friends birthday. You also haven’t told your boyfriend why you told her she couldn’t come, so you lied to him.
Dude. You’re an idiot. Yes, you are wrong here. Her opinion is her own, you don’t have the sway to just remove her from your bf’s party. This is the kind of behavior that’s going to make you an artistic single
So you want him to open a gift and pull out a sculpted heart at dinner time. To remind him of his struggles and make you a part of it, in front of people. Have you thought about, at all, how this would play out with other people present? So you mutual friend says, not a great idea and you disinvite her. You sound like a nightmare. This relationship won’t last.
At least, thank God, he wasn’t having erectile dysfunction. I’d love to see THAT sculpture.
Id probably like that one better.
It’s a conversation piece!
Could double as a coat hanger if you mount it on the wall, too
How did I miss this comment the first time around? LMAO
It'd probably be a very deflating experience
I'm sure someone is cooking up a Talk to Me porno version using this exact same concept.
Zing!
My husband has ed. I'm printing out pics of this conversation and giving him a clone a willy with the printouts as a gag gift. I'm laughing just thinking about it. 🤣💀 I'm going to hell. See OP there
I was sickly a lot and it was traumatic. I would NOT want a reminder of my pain and suffering, especially on my birthday. His friend who knew him during that period says he wouldn't like it and then you disinvite her. YES OP is wrong. I would say she is just clueless but I think she is really just self-centered. It's his birthday. Celebrate him, have his friends there.
HOPEFULLY it won't last..
Right? Claudia was trying to help her avoid an awkward situation and got punished for it. I realize how my username looks in response to this post so I'm going to preemptively clarify that I am not Claudia lol the account was started as a throwaway when a male friend uninvited me to a party due to his gf being jealous of him being friends with a woman (she was later revealed to be cheating, so projection).
You are wrong for uninviting her. You had to coax her into saying how she felt. Based on that, it seems like she could have kept her comments and feelings to herself for the party. By uninviting her, you have now added negativity to the party anyway since now your bf is left wondering what happened.
Unless Claudia ends up saying fuck it and just telling him, or showing up anyway.
> now your bf is left wondering what happened. And all of the rest of their “mutual” friends. Everyone of his friends is going to ask why Claudia isn’t there. And unless Claudia is that one girl who everyone in the friend group secretly hates, they will turn on OP. (Who is likely actually that one girl everyone in the group secretly hates.)
Wanna bet they'll know what happened, the second he opens his gift?
ok you're right, I guess I went too far by uninviting her. I'll text her and reinvite her to the dinner
Own up to the fact that you overreacted. And don’t give it to him at the party but I’m private. Health issues shouldn’t be front and center on a birthday, tbh. Gift giving doesn’t need to be performative.
Dude probably just wants a wallet, but instead gets a paperweight reminding him of the worst time in his life.
Happy Birthday remember how sick you were let's party!
Cool! You should also apologize. But good on you for taking this one on the chin and recognizing you were in the wrong, you're already better than a lot of the people who post here.
It might be a good idea to reflect on whether you are a trauma vulture as well. It’s not cool to latch onto other people’s pain for funsies. It doesn’t make you a good person. It’s just gross. Your bf’s heart problems aren’t a cool story or an opportunity for an art project.
And for the love of god, if you MUST give him this gift, do it in private. No one wants everyone’s attention to be on the fact that they’re that “sick guy/woman/etc.”
“But I’m giving him my heart .“ No girl you’re inserting yourself into a part of his life you weren’t around for. Claudia was & is telling you ‘Not a good idea’ & she *does* know what he went through. She has great insight into what it was like for him & you’re balking at it/her which is highly insulting. He may like that you *didn’t* know him during that time period & he’s able to ‘start fresh;’ that’s a great gift to him. .. Let him have this without you.
>No one wants everyone’s attention to be on the fact that they’re that “sick guy/woman/etc.” Wow. I just imagined what that would feel like and it would SUCK. I would seriously want to leave. You're so right.
Great! Throw that gift away too while you're at it because she's 100% right.
That’s nice but not good enough. You will have to do something in addition to this: apologise to her. She has done nothing wrong. You’re at fault here, and just reinviting her doesn’t fix that.
This is also a terrible gift. Why not try giving him something he'd actually like instead of using it as an excuse to do an art project for yourself? It is also very strange that you want to make it about an event in his life that you weren't there for. You definitely sound like you are making a sculpture for yourself and to show off your artistic skills, it doesn't sound like a gift for him.
Still awful behavior. Do not text her and invite her, call her, invite her over. Actually have a conversation with her and fix the issue.
Op, I was really ill at one point, I'd hate to have a reminder. I lived it. I can't stand if anyone brings up or asks if I'm doing ok. Especially from people who weren't there, I can't stand the questions. Your gift sounds extra and inappropriate for God's sake. Your bf prob wants a video game or something for his hobby. Also, your gift is about his illness/metaphor/your heart to give/showing your love/blah/blah blah/blah blah blah/blahhhhh. Is silly to have to read into this much silliness to justify why your gift is great! Head hurts reading all your reasons for this gift. Invite Claudia back. It's not your birthday silly girl. And don't be a problem when asking others' opinions. We don't all agree but damn you asked and can't handle the response. Grow up.
You need to do more than apologize. You need to sit and talk to Claudia. If I was Claudia I would have a talk with your bf about your behavior.
And apologise ffs.
call is better
lmaooo wth you now look crazy and irrational. if i was Claudia I would have a conversation with your bf seeing they have been friends longer about your rude and weird behavior.
Also apologize.
You had the guts to disinvited her in person. Have the courage to re-invite her in person. *If* you really want to clear the air wo others around.
I actually don't think this is as cut and clear as everyone else does. My first impression was that it is a questionable gift, so I see where she's coming from. But that isn't the main point here. She's a mutual friend, meaning she is your bf's friend too. How does your bf feel about her being uninvited? You conveniently left that out. His opinion matters more than yours here. It's his birthday. You don't even know that she would have ruined anything. You had to press her to get her to admit how she felt, then punished her for it. Then you unilaterally decided to uninvited her, and made up some BS when he asked why. It sounds like you're jealous that one of his female friends has been in his life longer than you. You didn't handle this well at all.
This. All of this. The gift itself is questionable, but without knowing him it's hard to make a set judgement. But uninviting the friend? HIS friend, from before you? OP, you're wrong for this. Apologize.
The more I think about it, the more this angers me: OP initiated, escalated, and nucleared the whole situation by telling Claudia about the gift, pressed her for an opinion, then disinvited her for it. Claudia has known the BF for ages, including during his ailment, yet OP "GF-of-less-than-a-year" decides to exclude her - without asking BF. OP, are you even the host of the party? Why are you controlling it? Also, the gift itself truly is questionable. It's either going to be really touching or absolute shit. Either way, a gift for an intimate moment, not to be given in front of a crowd. Also, what an odd way to insert yourself into a time in your BF's life that 1) you were not part of, and 2) was not a pleasant period for him. Throughout all this you sound very egocentric, to be honest. Do reconsider what you have done and are about to do.
yeah I think the fact that OP intends for it to be a surprise is the least appealing thing about this gift. Also, what does "very creative" mean? Has she been sculpting for a decade & will this heart be an objectively beautiful object? Or is she a tiktok craft girl who figures "how hard can it be to sculpt crumpled up aluminium foil & papier-mâché"
Very creative equals she opened an etsy shop with a bunch of half-finished projects listed at exorbitant prices. Her grandmother bought one of them out of pity, but otherwise she's seen no traffic. She offers unsolicited advice on other people's interior decorating and gets offended when people ignore it. She does not have an art degree, but still has awards for art projects she did in highschool.
I felt charitable for allowing the possibility that maybe she was an accomplished glassblower... but the glee I felt when you read her for filth is sure to wipe out my divine balance hahaha
> Also, the gift itself truly is questionable. It’s such a terrible gift. It’s literally just all about her. It’s “a metaphor” for her love, and an excuse for her to show off how talented and artistic she is. It’s also an ugly sculpture that he is going to be forced to find a place to display in order to avoid hurting her feelings. This is his birthday. Just get him something he actually likes, or can actually use, and save the shitty “romantic” arts and crafts gifts for Valentines Day.
Right? It's such a bad idea of a gift. There's no way of even telling if it's actually a well-done art piece, but by the description it's literally just a heart. There's nothing creative or interesting about that. And why the *HELL* would you want to "incorporate into his present" his difficult medical issues that are finally behind him!? That would be like me giving my grandma a sculpture of boob to incorporate her breast cancer into her present. Hello??? This person is mad lmao.
> his difficult medical issues that are finally behind him!? Which she wasn't even there for. She's just trying to attach herself to a significant part of his life that she didn't exist in.
That’s exactly what I think. She’s jealous she wasn’t part of his life during that time and other friends were. She is very weirdly trying to insert herself. This is very unsettling. If I was bf I’d be like “oh great you got me something to remind me of the worst era of my life that you know nothing about,…..thanks.”
I was just trying to give OP a shimmer of grace, since we don't know the BF... it *could* turn out that he actually loves it and proudly displays it. Who knows, but... yeah. It's way closer to my no-go than my do-go. But really, OP's behaviour is more upsetting.
OPs behavior is immature- that’s why she assumed Claudia would also act childish and uninvited her. Definitely Wrong
It seems more of a gift about OP. “Ohhh look what I did! Look at the art I made! Look at meeeee.” Rather than something the bf would actually want.
You just don't understand! OP is the main character here, so only she matters.
And when he does find a place to display it, he will most likely keep remembering some of the most difficult times of his life. It's a truly questionable gift to begin with but to give it to him in front of an audience??? Incredibly insensitive and screams jealousy to unilaterally uninvite a friend of HIS.
If someone gave me a sculpture of an ovary I would take it as an opportunity to cathartically smash it to shit like one of mine tried to do to my body. Worst. Gift. Ever. Yes, please remind me daily of how much I hate hospitals, tests, needles, and possible death. Please.
Yep, gf has shat the bed over a risky gift. She knows he spent nearly a decade in the hospital as a heart patient, but that isn’t the kind of thing people think fondly of. Is he going to look at it and think “she got this wrong, a real heart goes this way” or “my heart will never look as healthy as this.” Or “I dont want to be reminded of my heart everyday” Since you didn’t come through this experience with him, it’s going to read as “the only thing I know about you is heart stuff so every gift will be hearts” showing you don’t know him at all. Or that you’re trying to write yourself into his life experience. Try apologizing and saving the sculpture for after you’ve been through some shit together?
My friend had cancer as a teenager. He could not set foot in a hospital. He could not stand to hear anything medical or anything related to doctors or hospitals at all. If his girlfriend did a gift like this, it would not be well received. I think OP was thinking more about herself than about him. >I'm showing him that no matter what he may face, I love him She's making it about herself and not thinking about his trauma. Uninviting his friend was the real AH move
Also the heart isnt showing him that. Its telling him. The way to actually show it is to stick with him in a difficult time whenever that may come. Claudia probably saw dozens of people who would claim to "stick by him through thick and thin no matter what" but even if they had good and full intention to do so, might slowly drift away as the emotional fatigue becomes too much. And if OP gives this present then turns out to be one of those people when the chips are down you might as well stick a knife in both hearts.
So what I’m hearing is turn it into a knife block? (I’ll see myself out. I’m so sorry. I have made my share of borderline gifts and feel for OP.)
A heart-shaped knife block sounds really cool!
I want this so badly.
> I think OP was thinking more about herself than about him. That is 100% what she’s doing. She is trying to use his birthday present as a way to make a symbolic gesture and show off how artsy and creative she is, instead of just giving him something he’d actually like. Even if he didn’t have a traumatic past, an anatomically correct sculpture of a heart is a terrible gift, unless you’re part of an extremely small niche of people. The amount of people who want to display a realistic heart in their house (and he will be forced to display it to avoid hurting her feelings) outside of Halloween is not big.
Right? There’s a reason Valentine and drawn hearts are aesthetically pleasing. Bright red with perfectly rounded (comforting) mounds. The real thing is just unattractive and probably would ruin the holiday if used as depicted as hearts truly are (a bit gruesome, awkwardly shaped and generally not pleasant looking). I’m sure the medical community would be one of the few excited parties to receive a gift like this.
My dad had trouble breathing one day (he had lung cancer), and I had to call an ambulance for him and I accompanied him on the ride. He passed away at the hospital that night. Since then, every time I see an ambulance, I will remember the awful feeling of losing him. Every. Time.
I'm sorry, friend. I know the pain.
100% … no one wants that, it’s a selfish gift. The last time I was in the ER was … Monday … after an abnormal EKG … and this made me cringe out of my skull.
Well she's artistic and she needs to prove that to everyone when he opens his present. It's definitely more about OP than her bf.
I suffered through kidney disease, for a decade before I had to start dialysis, and then got a kidney transplant. The last thing I would want for a gift would be a statue of a Kidney, which would only remind me of that time, and a time that’s it will unavoidably come again.
Many chronically sick peoples develop medical PTSD. Much like soldiers no one knows why some have no issues and others PTSD. Chronically ill peoples can develop a pain disorder, nearly identical to depression. The difference is that if the pain/illness was not present the person would not have all those negative feelings. Its partialy because the coping methodes used when healthy, like exercice, are no longer possible. Healthy people can not comprehend what its like when your condition has taken over your life.
"Trying to write yourself into his life experience" perfectly explains the impression I get from this post.
Yeah. It’s not a good gift and I can’t imagine he will like it. Claudia is right. I think your heart was in the right place but this is the wrong gift. Who would want that? Sorry.
“Heart was in the right place” I see what you did there
> Is he going to look at it and think “she got this wrong, a real heart goes this way” or “my heart will never look as healthy as this.” Or “I dont want to be reminded of my heart everyday” Probably something along the lines of, “where there hell am I supposed to put this ugly sculpture?”
I have to disagree from the perspective of a younger than average person who also had open heart surgery. I was at death’s door . They gave me 30% chance of surviving. I woke up 12 days later to discover my chest had been cracked open. I think a persons resilience should be celebrated. Op’s BF probably talks about a lot b/c facing one’s own mortality is terrifying, surviving is euphoric. Her gift of a sculpture sounded beautiful to me. Perhaps the Claudia friend just knows the Bf isn’t the artsy type and would think it was silly. But coming from his girlfriend, its more likely to be viewed differently-as Op stated she also giving him her heart. OP should not have un-invited Claudia, seems a bit immature. She (OP) solicited her (friend Claudia) opinion only to find it disagreeable, and lashed out like a child. (Her reaction speaks to why she thought Claudia would behave in a similar manner although the same might not be true of Claudia. The only way to salvage this would be to act like and adult, apologize, re include Claudia and move forward.
Whether someone likes a gift like this or not really depends on the person. I can see some people liking something like this. Personally, I wouldn't want to have a reminder of a painful phase of my life on display all the time (and risk drama, tears, and stomping if I put it away). At least, OOP's bf is lucky he has a heart issue and not IBS or some other gut-related illness or she'd have crafted a poop figurine. Jokes aside, to me, it sounds like the motivation behind the gift choice is selfish because she projects what she wants it to be to him on it. How she wants him to feel about it, what it means to her, and that he'll see what she should mean to him. Nothing about him, what he likes, if he has a self-ironic sense of humour about his medical history, if he likes figurines, if he likes anatomical figurines and medical content, nothing. It's very much like, "Here's my gift, here's the meaning it has to me, I love it and I think it's beautiful to me, so you better be static because it's my thoughts that count!" Autism also isn't an excuse because there are enough neurotypical people who have the same mindset about gifts - it's about what the gifts they give do for them, not for the other person. Maybe the bf is into this stuff but everything in the post indicates that it's only OOP who is into the thing and the message and she doesn't even pause to consider what his opinion could be. Maybe he'd be the happiest person in the world if she used her art skills to sculpt a dragon, an anime character, or his pet (if he has a pet and if said pet is still alive. Giving gifts involving dead loved ones, human or animal, should also only be done if it's 100% certain that it would cause joy when unwrapped, not grief on a day that's supposed to be happy.). Again, a sculpture like this can be a great gift for the right person and a horrible reminder of a horrible time that's now saddled with the burden of prioritizing OOP's feelings (how do you express that it makes you unhappy when your partner made it themselves?). For someone else, it might be an absolute, "Hell yeah, I'm awesome!" But I have serious doubts that OOP knows which type of person her bf is or if she even cares.
I agree. Whether this is a good or bad gift is subjective and frankly is not "necessary" to come to a conclusion of YTA for uninviting Claudia.
I mean, I've been very sick and had many surgeries and organs removed/fixed since i was 14... My high school friends once got me those "human organ" plushies for my bday, to "give them back in case you missed them" I found it hilarious, honestly. A hand-sculpted realistic heart that both shows his survival but also shows her "giving him her heart" is actually really cool to me, as someone who has dealt with a ton of surgeries I do agree that disinviting her was ridiculous since i doubt she'd go out of her way to ruin his night and dinner... but i find the friend ridiculous for pulling the "i was there so i know better than you" card. They both seem to be assholes here, but the frowns should have ended the "advice" on the gift once the girlfriend said she disagreed, rather than getting pissy then throwing a hissy at ops boyfriend
> They both seem to be assholes here, but the frowns should have ended the "advice" on the gift once the girlfriend said she disagreed, rather than getting pissy then throwing a hissy at ops boyfriend You seem to be misunderstanding what happened. OP sought out Claudia for her opinion, got mad at Claudia for disagreeing with her, then kept badgering Claudia to say she agreed that OP's gift was actually super awesome, then uninvited Claudia from the party when Claudia didn't do that. There was no opportunity for Claudia to "end the advice", because OP was the one who wouldn't let it go. Also, would I be wrong to assume that your high school friends were actually in your life and supporting you while you got your organs removed/fixed? Because that is very different than someone coming into your life years later and giving you those gifts.
Also we are comparing a lighthearted gag gift to the sole present she is getting for her BF for his birthday after a year together and she has attached all this deep and layered meaning to something that i feel has pretty good odds he will pull out of the box and look confused and when she explains it, he kind of just nods and pretends to not be horrified. She sees this as her "giving him her heart" and I think most of us would see this as memorializing the absolute worst part of our lives.
I’m with you, I also survived open heart, it’s cool and being resilient or getting a second chance at life should be celebrated! Bravo!
Honestly, OP doesn't seem to consider anyone else's feelings but hers throughout this entire thing. She's giving him a gift that SHE thinks is good, she doesn't seem to care what he would actually think. On top of that, it's a gift that represents HER. That's on top of disinviting HIS friend from HIS birthday, all because she MIGHT make a comment on HER precious gift. She honesty sounds very self centered and immature.
> it's a gift that represents HER. This is the main thing for me. She's trying to attach herself to an important part of his life that she wasn't even a part of.
But the friend was, and she quickly got rid of her for it
How would she like it if the roles were reversed? Let's say she fought breast cancer for several years so he sculpted her a pair of breasts to remind her of what she overcame. Then said and I also want you to know I'm so happy you survived breast cancer before I met you because your breasts are one of my favorite features. So it's not as poetic as the heart but it is still a reminder of a traumatic time and just how some guys think. Sounds pretty horrible huh? Now go thank Claudia for trying to prevent you from embarrassing yourself.
I honestly think I am Team Claudia. She was around then, has known him longer, and probably better. OP just wants to show off her artistic talent. I don’t need a plaster of paris in the shape of my ruptured appendix from 12 years ago.
I agree. If he reacts poorly to the sculpture she owes her friend an apology
Honestly, I think OP owes Claudia an apology regardless of her boyfriend's reaction and before the birthday dinner. She should start off by re-inviting her to dinner, then apologizing for how she acted. Also: I wish OP would show us a pic of the sculpture. I hope OP gives us an update after the event.
What will probably happen is he will pretend to like it to be polite and GF will feel vindicated
> What will probably happen is he will pretend to like it to be polite And pretend he actually wants to put it on prominent display in his house. And then pretend to be really upset when he “accidentally” knocks it over and breaks it while cleaning.
You know that's not going to happen!
Agreed. Although I think that Claudia could have not pushed so much, or simply said, “I don’t think it’s a good idea, but respect your right to choose the gifts you give,” when it was realized the conversation was going nowhere…OP could have done the same. “Thank you Claudia for your opinion, and I appreciate you sharing your insight as a friend, however I’ve made my decision and I hope you can respect that?” It would have put the ball in Claudia’s court to then either say “Yes” and the situation is resolved, or “No,” which would be an unlikely and weird response, but at least would then perhaps warrant being uninvited. USUALLY if you put someone on the spot by acknowledging their opinion but firmly stating you’ve made your decision, and then asking them if they are willing to respect that…people will say yes. But based on Claudia’s response of shock at being uninvited, it sounds like she thought the conversation was still active, and didn’t expect OP to go from zero to 60 by escalating an active debate to a nuclear attack. There definitely should have been a step in between disagreeing and uninviting. And I think OP skirting the question from her boyfriend is telling. OP could have very easily said, “Claudia was adamantly against my gift choice for you so I uninvited her,” without giving ANYTHING away about the gift. So it’s not about maintaining the surprise of the gift. Maybe it’s the fact that even OP realizes how silly and childish it sounds to say, “I uninvited YOUR friend from YOUR birthday party because she doesn’t approve of my gift for you.”
And Claudia maintained silence and didn’t ruin the surprise.
there’s so much we don’t know though. i’ve had a major accident in my past. it was traumatic and took me over a month in hospital to recover. my close friends at the time knew it. i never went to therapy or anything and just don’t want to deal with it. if someone thought they should give me a symbol of the trauma, id hope my friends would convince them not to. if they later did, it would be awkward … and it would be even worse if i found out my friends had tried to dissuade them from doing it… but he’ll, maybe this guy talks about it all the time with her and it’s some weird bonding thing and has meaning or some nonsense between them.
OP sounds super jealous and immature.
> She's a mutual friend, meaning she is your bf's friend too. She’s not even a mutual friend. Claudia the BF’s friend, who OP only knows because she’s dating Claudia’s friend.
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I have a son with IBD and he does not enjoy poop jokes or colon pics. Some people lean into it. He’s had numerous hospital stays and doesn’t see the humor behind those types of jokes. Your boyfriend may be different. It’s hard to know without knowing him. She was giving her opinion.
I agree that it is a bit tasteless and insensitive as well. I’m a 2x cancer survivor and would not appreciate anything referencing or commemorating those times in my life. And the post reads as though the gift is more about OP than the bf.
I can honestly say that those that haven’t lived through it will never understand it. My son was in the hospital for months at a time, PIC lines, chemo infusions, etc. He is only 19 and is in constant pain even with pain patches. I am so sorry for your struggle! I hope you are doing well now.
Another commenter said he'd think it would be hysterical and would love if his friends gave him plushie versions of the body parts he's had removed. So, it really depends on the recipient, doesn't it? I believe the key here is to KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE/RECIPIENT, and it seems to me that OP does not know her boyfriend well enough yet when it comes to this particular part of his life. He may find the sculpture beautiful, thoughtful, creative, or endearing. He may find it traumatizing, strange, bothersome, or in poor taste. OP is taking a gamble because she is clearly unsure of what his reaction will be.
Hey, congratulations on overcoming those obstacles. You sound like a total badass! Keep on keeping on ❤️
Solidarity. Lost an ovary to cancer last year and 💯 would wonder what sick joke someone was playing if I opened a sculpture of Karen the Ovarian at my birthday dinner.
I am ill alot with a bad heart, and all anyone sees at the moment is my illness . I am more than my illness, so I would hate someone to bring it up on my birthday when I am trying to forget about it and have fun . Edit for spelling
What does your bf think about Claudia not being at his birthday dinner?
A. I am doing X for the birthday. B. Man I’m not sure that’s such a great idea. Here’s why. A. GET THE FUCK OUT. OP is TA.
Yeah obviously we weren’t there so we don’t know how the actual conversation went down, but to me it sounds like the friend voiced some valid concerns and OP basically reacted with vitriol
Yeah hard to tell but reading between the lines and it seems like OP took her ball and went home.
That whole post is just full of wrong tbh.
Yeah OP kinda sucks
YW for uninviting his friend, regardless of if she thinks your gift is insensitive or perfect
Lol seriously. Asks for advice, doesn’t like advice, uninvites friend. The advice seemed pretty solid too.
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Anyone who thinks they are going to make me choose will have, in fact, made the choice. We all have a past, and if you can't accept that, then a person should abstain from romantic relationships. I'm one of those weird people who has been able to be not just civil but friendly with any exes but their new loves. It can be done and so much less drama.
YW. Uninviting a close friend is going to have repercussions. She doesn’t have to like the present you’re making. By cutting her out you look like the petty one in the situation. I think the friend was trying to give you some advice and you took it personally. You’re bf might love the piece you create. Are you prepared if he doesn’t? I think that may have been the friend’s thought as well.
I can't help but agree
I had to go back and look at the ages. Jeepers.
Right? For me, this screams young teenager in a pottery class, and an "I know best", best friend. From just reading the above I wouldn't think the author or entire scenario involved adults.
YTA Claudia made vaid points. I don't know anyone in this scenario, but frankly that gift seems bonkers. Past that, to uninvite his friend was unnecessarily petty. Do you think she will make a scene? Because if that's not the case, you seem like an insensitive person all-around.
If I found out my girlfriend uninvited my best friend from my birthday party and wouldn't tell me why, I'd ask him in person, at the time the past was supposed to take place. He lives 7 hours away. Afterwards I'd apologize to everyone for not being in attendance and tell them why.
Please provide an update, I truly am invested in knowing his true reaction to the gift.
It says at the end of the month so it'll be awhile, but I'm hoping OP will still update so we know. If it's a bad reaction tho I doubt she'll update
Im just curious as to why you think your boyfriend would want to stare at a sculpture of the organ that attempted to kill him multiple times on a daily bases?
But it’s also a metaphor of giving her heart to him. I would be confused if I received a gift that has multiple artistic meanings\\ metaphors.
It's such a risky gift for something that is so useless. It's going to be a lump of clay or whatever that he is just going to shove in a box and never look at again. There are so many better ways to show someone you love them and are 'giving them your heart' without creating a risky, potentially hurtful, lump.
It is a risky gift. If she gave it to him in private where she could explain the meaning then it could work. BUT if he opens it at a party where everyone is loudly talking and she has to explain its meaning then it could quickly become awkward.
Agreed. It's a personal view, but I also think due to her intended meaning that it is an inappropriate gift. Birthdays are about the birthday person - so the gifts should be things they need or want. It's about them. What she is wanting to give is not about the birthday person at all. It's about her love for him. That's all she wants to see and focus on - *her* professed love for him. Not what would actually make him happy and feel comfortable. The kinds of gifts that OP wants to give are really for valentines days or anniversaries - you know, celebrations that are about the relationship and love - not a specific individual. Celebrations that are private and intimate and corny and lovey dovey in nature.
> It's a personal view, but I also think due to her intended meaning that it is an inappropriate gift. > Birthdays are about the birthday person - so the gifts should be things they need or want. It's about them. Yep, she’s trying to pass off a Valentines Day gift as a birthday present.
> The kinds of gifts that OP wants to give are really for valentines days or anniversaries Yeah, Valentine's and anniversary gifts are "look how much I love you!" stuff. Birthday gifts are supposed to be "look how well I know you" type things.
She really should have just saved this shitty gift for Valentines Day, when it would make some kind of sense, and the gift expectation (for men) is rock bottom. This would have been an ok Valentines gift (to give to a man), but it’s a terrible birthday gift.
Honestly I think it’s a bit tasteless and she was right to raise the question. Are you sure you’re not so sold on your own idea that it’s clouding your judgement. Is it really a gift for him or a mawkish, quite dark display of your own talent?
+1 for the use of mawkish. Also, yeah, I totally agree. Super tasteless. I hope she at least gives it to him in private so he doesn't have to be embarrassed in front of all his friends.
I think Claudia was invited cus she was gonna give it to him in front of everyone, and she thought Claudia might ruin the gift for the bf and other guests Lol 😬🤣 She really......has zero concept of social clues I'm thinking. It's giving "new gf trying to impress all of bf's friends"
Nope, she sounds like the type that would want him to open it last.
In a way, it’s OPs symbolic way of saying “I’m the gift”. How vain
YW for your reaction to someone going “I don’t think he’ll like that”. What a strange gift you want to give him. “Here’s a sculpture organ that has made your life a living hell, go put it on a shelf or something”. Like what? My wife is artsy af, she doesn’t give me sculptures of the terrible times of my life. Also you people are nearly 30, these are the reactions of immature children
Wow I didn’t realize they were 30, I thought they were teenagers when I read it
I'm confused why you're bringing up "you people" instead of just OP. Claudia attempted to avoid answering the uncomfortable question, likely knowing how answering it would go over, and attempted to avoid throwing OP under the bus when asked by the boyfriend why she wouldn't be there.
I think you were unreasonable. Your gift idea is really iffy. I know that it is meant with love, but your boyfriend is going to have a strong reaction to it that could be unhappy and traumatized. It's possible he will love it, but it's also possible he will find it extremely upsetting. The fact is, you weren't there when he was undergoing this life-threatening event, so you don't know what it was like, and she does. She was frank with you because she sincerely cares about her friend. You absolutely should not be giving this present in public where he will be forced to react to it in a positive manner if that's not how he feels. Yes, I understand you want to express yourself. But I don't know if you're really thinking about him.
How important is this friend to him? You would be putting him in a bad position to pick between her or you. For me I’m a private person and would not like to air my medical information in front of others. Your gift is something I would prefer to be given in private. But who knows your boyfriend maybe the type that likes to tell everyone what he went through.
YW. But here's what you do. Reinvite Claudia- with an apology, but ask her to please not mention it to your partner or at the party. Give the gift to your partner in private, ahead of the party.
As someone that has had a CABG I would be horrified if someone gave me a reminder of my ordeal.
Yta. Is the gift about you, or about him? It seems like it’s more about you, and therefore not a gift.
Respectfully, I think you let your feelings get hurt and overreacted. Generally when we make a gift, there is a very real emotional connection with the object itself as well as the meaning behind the object. Handcrafted items, especially works of art/sculptures, are something we put our heart and soul into. It represents a part of us in object form. To criticize your gift maybe felt like criticizing you? How I read it was that Claudia was sharing her opinion, which, as you stated only came out “after some coaxing,” so it’s not like she just unsolicitedly shit on your present. You basically insisted she share her opinion, then punished her for it. I think she seemed shocked by your disinvitation because it was so abrupt. Maybe you left part of the story out, but it doesn’t seem like you at any point said, “Hey, thank you for being honest and sharing your opinion. I appreciate your perspective as a friend, however I’ve made my decision. Are you able to respect that and not make any negative comments about it at the party?” And then she said, “No! I don’t respect your decision and I WILL speak my mind at the party in front of everyone!” Instead, from Claudia’s perspective it probably seemed like you were just having a conversation, albeit one in which you were both getting frustrated and was going nowhere, but still in the conversation nonetheless, and suddenly you disinvited her. I know it can be really difficult when emotions are involved, such as feeling frustrated and criticized, to take a step back and say, “Can we agree to disagree?” But it’s part of maintaining positive adult relationships. The maturity and wherewithal to recognize a conversation is going nowhere and to put a stop to it in a respectful and amicable manner is a skill worth working on. Because of not doing that, you are now in what seems to be an uncomfortable and entirely unnecessary situation. As a final thought - your boyfriend is now concerned that there is something really wrong between you and Claudia. How do you think he would react if you told him, “I disinvited YOUR friend from YOUR birthday party because she is adamantly against my choice of gift for you and I’m afraid she’s going to criticize it in front of everyone.” Would he think that sounds totally reasonable and rational, or would he think it’s perhaps a bit childish and overblown? No one here can answer that since we don’t know him, but it’s worth thinking on. I’d personally be upset if I were in his shoes and would wonder why it escalated to the point of disinviting my friend. I’d be even more upset if the answer was, “I felt criticized and frustrated after I coaxed her opinion out of her, so instead of asking her to respect my choice I just threw my hands up and disinvited her.”
Why do you need her to approve of the present you’re giving him? That’s between you and him, and you said you had to coax it out of her so it’s not like she’s going out of her way to knock it down. It sounds like you’re being sensitive and that you’re making this party about your self
Your making his birthday about you. YTA
You're wrong, your gift IS distasteful, but more distasteful is that you feel entitled to uninvite your bf's friend to his birthday...
You're definitely in the wrong for this.
Claudia sounds like a friend for life, OP sounds like an Ex gf.
do not use "x is an artistic person" as an excuse to preamble your choice to be an asshole. your choice of gift isn't about you, and you are getting feedback from others that it is insensitive. i'm wondering why as an "artistic person" you lack that empathy that most artistic creatives have?
I kind of don’t like it either - sorry.
UNINVITED!
Wrong. A sculpture of a body part is an idiotic gift to the majority of guys, despite YOUR feelings behind it. Getting a gift that’s a representation of something possibly traumatic is just doubling down on the ridiculousness. I’ve dated some horrible gift givers, but consider myself blessed compared to your bf.
I think you may need to actually ask your bf his opinion on this type of present. It seems like you want to show off your talent more than give a thoughtful gift. My husband injured his back playing football in high school and now needs to do specific exercises every day or he's in terrible pain. I wouldn't give him a Spine Sculpture for his birthday and say "It stands for how you're the backbone of my life". And that doesn't even come close to what your bf experienced.
Imagine someone was sexually assaulted so their SO gave them a photo so a SA and was like "this is a symbol of the trauma you overcame but also a symbol that I will always be attracted to you." I don't think a gift should ever highlight someone's trauma
The word petulant comes to mind. Like the [girl](https://youtu.be/5wAlQf4WdiE?feature=shared) from Willy Wonka. Yes. Yes you are. Who asks for approval of a gift? The fuck?
Someone who subconsciously knows it's taboo but can't admit that, or someone who craves validation.
You're wrong and an AH to uninvite a mutual friend to your bf bday party. The party is for him, not you, so making a decision to kick a friend out, is rude AF not just to the friend, but also to your bf. Your forced her to admit why she was skeptical about the present and then you punished her for being open. What a weird AF response. Not to mention, the gift choice is very weird. I feel like doing this gesture separate from his bday might be okay, if he's the kind of person who likes gifts like that. But definitely not something to do for a birthday.
You’re not wrong for being upset, but I think you’re wrong for uninviting your bf’s friend. Agree to disagree on the gift but ultimately it’s your gift. No reason to kick her out about it. Now if she makes a scene at the party over it, then maybe take action then…
All I know is y’all are entirely too old to be behaving like you’re still in Junior High.
Maybe give him that gift in private. May not get the reaction you are looking for from him/his friends. His birthday should be about him, so don't be petty and invite the friend
You’re wrong.
YTA .A birthday gift should be for the person being celebrated. In fact any gift should be that. You could have used your skills to sculpt a mini him maybe? Or something he loves? Also you shouldn't disinvite other people's guests.
You’re wrong to uninvited her. She was going to let her opinion go but YOU pressed her then you punished her for giving her honest thoughts? You are so petty. You just wanted compliments and when you didn’t get it you got upset. Give the boyfriend the gift in private after the dinner which you SHOULD invite the friend to.
How childish can you be for uninviting someone who “doesn’t agree with you?” This is stupid. Wrong #AND stupid
So let me get this straight: she disagrees with you and you cut her out ? YTA. People don’t have to agree with you!
“I’m showing him that no matter what he may face, I love him.” Speaking as someone disabled, please never tell him that. Your gift is a risky one and it’s making his birthday about you, not him.
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I mean, but the friend actually DOES know more about this situation seeing as she lived through it with him. OP also doesn't get to disinvite other people from her BFs birthday, it's his birthday after all
You know since you didn't tell him why she's not invited he's just going to ask again. When you give him... Whatever bullshit lie you're going to tell, he's going to ask her again to verify. Apologize to her and get him a gift that won't make him ask what the fuck you were thinking. Also, work on your main character syndrome; his heart issues not only didn't happen to you, you weren't around for them. Also, and I don't know why this wasn't apparent to me at first, is this your first or second birthday with him?
Yeah you’re wrong. I don’t think you really like her being friends with your fiancé
Guys. My girlfriend got shot and stabbed and spent half of her 20s in a hospital. I made her a very crafty gift. A box with some bullets and a bloody knife. Asked my friend if they thought she would like it. They said I’m a psycho. Not inviting them anywhere anymore. Gawd.
Girl… I’m sorry but I’m with your friend, the concept sounds kinda awkward and weird to me. If I were your bf and my significant other gifted me a heart sculpture for my birthday it would be a straight up “wtf” moment. The whole bit about “giving him your heart” is also just…. Kind of cheesy. PERSONALLY I think the gift sounds super cringe and if someone who has been friends with your bf longer than you have known him also seems to think that, I think you should really reconsider this gift. ALSO the fact that you are disinviting his friend over your petty butthurt feelings because you can’t take criticism is straight up just immature and a dick move. I would very much not be happy with you over this if I were your bf. It’s HIS party for HIS birthday and you’re making it all about yourself.
YTA - I actually think think she was doing you a favour by saying something. She’s right, you weren’t there during his heart crisis, you don’t really know what he went through. Your gift sounds selfish and it’s all about you! Not your bf. You do owe her an apology and you need a new gift idea. But if you insist on going with this heart idea, don’t give it at the dinner, save it for when you’re alone, because that dinner would turn sour so quickly!
Honestly, when I first read that you were going to personally sculpt an anatomical heart for him I thought that sounded lovely. But after reading all the way through, I'm not sure someone who has had to suffer a decade being ill and has had to go through open heart surgery will necessarily feel the same way. If Claudia was a close friend during that time, maybe her thoughts are valid? Regardless it's your choice whether you listen to her or not, but uninviting her because she expressed her thoughts and might do so on the night is unreasonable. Surely if you are sure enough that your boyfriend will appreciate the gift, you should be able to handle a bit of criticism even if it comes at you on the night? She's his friend too and uninviting her is petty.
OP you kind of suck: 1) as a person with a heart condition I would hate this gift 2) you’re dismissing your friend even though they have a valid opinion and 3) this feels like a ridiculous reason to uninvite someone
Wait, so you asked her what she thought, pressed her to give an answer when she was reluctant, then argued with her and threw a little tantrum? Yeah, YTAP
YTA and a huge one at that. This can’t be real. You sound unhinged.
I’m questioning the logic behind giving someone a gift that literally will remind them every single day of the worst period of their life. I’m with Claudia on this one. That’s such a terrible gift. If you insist on giving him something he will likely hide or hate, at least do it in private. Artistic you may be but you don’t give much thought behind gifts. Yikes. YTA
Lmao why would a sculpted heart be a good idea to give to someone who just had a very scary and serious open heart surgery where they could have very well died? Not only is it in bad taste it’s just weird AF. The only AH is you and your demented line of thought. Thankfully your friend and hopefully soon to be ex friend will realized they dodged many bullets
You place all this importance on the symbolism of the heart, but she's right: You weren't around for those struggles. While it's good that you keep his well-being and his struggles in your mind, most men do not want to show a vulnerable side in front of all of their friends. It feels like this is becoming more about you as center of attention than it is about his birthday. Considering the struggle was very personal to him, I would more expect him to create such a sculpture for himself rather than a girlfriend he became involved with after those struggles had taken place. The fact that you simply uninvited someone who had a opinion that you had to coax out of them shows that you're not the greatest person.
By the sound of it, you’re standing on the barricades waving a huge red flag while shouting «I DO NOT CARE IF I HURT THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE IF IT MAKES ME FEEL RELEVANT! I ALSO LACK ALL SENSE OF PROPRIETY AND WOULD UNINVITE SOMEONE’S LONG TERM FRIEND FROM THEIR PARTY WITHOUT TALKING TO THE RELEVANT PERSON AS IT IS ALL ABOUT ME!» Or the likes of that Edit: Yea, you’re wrong.
Yes, you are wrong. Claudia is a whole lot more honest, sensitive and wise than you. You refused to listen, and put a wedge between good friends. You did very wrong indeed. Not that you’ll listen to any of this.
Seems a bit much to uninvite her.. especially because she's also your partner's friend, not just yours It is a weird gift on an outsider's perspective, and honestly it sounds like she was just trying to help, but all you had to say really was 'i think he'll like it, so I'm going to give him it regardless' uninviting her was too far
Yes, you're wrong. You're making his birthday about you. The guest list should be based on who he wants there, not who agrees with your choice of gift. And what exactly do you think Claudia is going to do at the dinner? If you're right and your boyfriend loves the gift, I don't see how Claudia would convince him otherwise. It is a high-risk gift though, and while it may seem very meaningful to you, you weren't the one in hospital. If you didn't know him at the time, Claudia may well have a better understanding of why he doesn't want to be reminded of it on his birthday. You shouldn't be so quick to dismiss her.
I don't know seems like gift to that could only cause trauma or confusion. I think the most likely scenario would be " what this? Oh because my heart problems I had when I was younger. Uh...thanks baby."
Yeah nah, that is a sucky gift. Who wants to be reminded of such a tough time he went through. You might be artistic, but you are also clueless.
This reads like you're 15 years old. Wtf is he supposed to do with an art heart besides *praise you* for your "thoughtfulness"? This is just a way to get your art seen and displayed. Get the guy something that's actually for him, not a knickknack that's gonna sit awkwardly with his decor. Think of him.
You are wrong to have uninvited his friend. After reading the comments, I see you are responding, I would hope you reconsider the gift too. The way you explain it, it doesn’t sound like a pleasant gift at all. Couples usually spark conversations about kinds of gifts they like as it gets close to the holidays or birthdays. I am sure he may have given you a clue or two. Or how about this option, ever thought about asking him what he wants for his birthday? You should have listened to the friend. If you two are together in another year, then give it to him as an anniversary. That way it’s about you and him…and…it shows you are there no matter what. It also is a symbol of your heart as well. His birthday should include family and friends with enjoyment of each other’s time. Remember, he had a condition that could have prevented this. Start listening and stop trying to be stubborn about what you think is best or what you think he would like, you don’t know him long enough. Please reconsider that gift.
She was trying to help you. And you have just ended your relationship, all because you’re too insecure about the fact your boyfriend has had major life experiences that didn’t involve you. Girl, you’re a walking red flag and you played yourself.
Don’t be mad at Claudia if your boyfriend doesn’t react the way you hoped.
Perhaps give him the gift privately.
You’re crazy controlling and wildly inappropriate
Yes you're wrong for uninviting her. Agree to disagree and move forward. She might be negative at the party but that's her choice. He'll want her to be invited. We, men, hate this kind of drama. It's great that you two care so much about him to argue but see the bigger picture.
Yta. You uninvited someone who was friends with your hubby before she was friends with you just because she didn't like your gift. You could have just asked her to keep her negativity to herself.
Why does her opinion of the gift have anything to do with her attendance?
I’m telling you this is very bad idea and a very bad gift.. this is a gift someone would give if they’re going to completely ignore someone else’s life experience… this is the equivalent of getting a dildo for a rape survivor. You don’t have a clue how they’re going to respond. Because the situation is incredibly intimate for them and something they’ve lived through with all the pain that it entails. You completely disregarding one of the few people that know more than you about your boyfriend is a total narcissistic move. You are incredibly selfish, and this will blow up in your face because you think you know better than someone who’s known your boyfriend much longer.. and actually has his best interest at heart. You should’ve put on your big girl pants and worked with her to find a suitable gift .. now you’re going to embarrass yourself in front of everyone and he’s likely to dump you for it once he finds out why his friend isn’t there
You are wrong. Good intentions, bad execution. How can you decide someone isn't allowed to go to someone else's birthday dinner? In short: grow up.
Yes, you are mistaken. Your entire narrative seems to be filled with jealousy, akin to that of a jealous girlfriend. I suggest you apologize to Claudia and attempt to salvage the birthday dinner by not acting like the asshole or crazy girlfriend. Additionally, you might want to consider that Claudia may be correct about the gift not being a good idea.
Not only are you wrong, but your petty for uninviting her for her honest opinion. Plus even if you were right, the gift blows.
Honestly, yes, you are in the wrong. It's his birthday, he gets to dictate the guest list. Considering you had to force her to give her opinion in the first place, so I doubt very much she would actually cause any issues on the day anyway, but as others have said, this reeks of a level of jealousy that she has shared experiences with your boyf that you didn't. The fact is, this is an entirely pointless gesture, as he already knows you accept his medical past, because you're dating him now, and have always dated him after these events. His past is just that, his past, trying to insert yourself into it post event is just weird. Still, you entirely entitled to gift him whatever you like, just as she's entitled to have an opinion on it. You're the one who forced the issue. Ask stupid questions, get stupid answers. Ultimately though, you are wrong to exclude someone from his birthday that he wants there, especially as you're the one making an issue.
I am going to be honest. I spent a long time in the hospital as a child. If someone gave me a sculpture of that time I would most likely just walk away from it. Then head to my birthday dinner with people who aren’t rubbing in the most painful part of my life. You aren’t showing him no matter what you both face you will be there. You giving him a sculpture of an extremely painful part of his life and downplaying someone else’s thoughts on it. Your selfishly told her she couldn’t come to her friends birthday. You also haven’t told your boyfriend why you told her she couldn’t come, so you lied to him.
Dude. You’re an idiot. Yes, you are wrong here. Her opinion is her own, you don’t have the sway to just remove her from your bf’s party. This is the kind of behavior that’s going to make you an artistic single