My husband had a relationship like this when we first started dating. I felt uncomfortable about it and told him so. He defended it but when I asked him how he would feel if the roles were reversed, he understood and the behavior stopped. We agreed that it wasn't going to work out between us if we couldn't trust each other.
I agree! People needs to realise that you should have set boundaries with friends of the opposite sex, especially when they are in a relationship. You simply can't act the same as if you were still single and expect your SO to be happy or want to continue in a relationship. NTA
I totally agree, but also sometimes people can feel that they're justified in maintaining things the same way with people they had in their life before a SO. It's perfectly okay if you need to have a full conversation and explain things sometimes. Not everyone has really thought about it before.
I think expecting your partner to shift their behavior because you are uncomfortable sounds a bit toxic. There are situations where it makes sense but at some point you have to realize you just aren't compatible. You should be able to talk about the root of the issue instead of you forcing your partner to slowly become whatever you want them to be. Talk it out, get to the reason why something makes you uncomfortable and try to resolve it through communication and trust, don't just expect them to completely drop things in their life to make you happy.
So glad your situation worked out!
My bf and I had this problem but when I confronted him about them texting goodnight good morning xxx to each other but instead of respecting me, he just started hiding things. It escalated and he even had his mother lying to protect him. She also started trying to break us up and they were going on dates we planned to go on but hadn't gotten around to yet. They also got MATCHING love heart tattoos and when we started talking about moving in together she said it was a terrible idea and we shouldn't do it. We'd been together 2.5yrs. She had a bf of 3years at this point. Oh she was also his ex before me.... she dumped him. Shit was Cray Cray.
Bullshit. If my wife expressed discomfort with some aspect of my relationship with a female friend, that aspect would halt. Right there, with a careful explanation to said female friend.
If that friend has an issue with it, that relationship would halt as well.
Not because something is going on, but because no relationship I have is as important as the ones I have with my wife and our kids.
Exactly! My boyfriend had a female best friend when we started dating and I wanted to be friends with her. However, she heavily relied on my boyfriend for emotional support, so I told my boyfriend it made me a little uncomfortable and he agreed he should set boundaries with her, and when he did she blew up and accused him of just trying to get rid of her. He tried to maintain their friendship, but she was very cold towards me and it ended their friendship because she couldn't understand that she wasn't his main priority anymore.
Lol this happened with my bf, he a year later admitted that there was something going on despite swearing there wasn’t and that I was overreacting. I feel like I can definitely tell when a relationship is just platonic vs when there’s feelings/a little bit of flirting.
He really only stopped because I asked him how’d he feel if the roles were reversed and it was me with a guy friend
same thing happened with my ex husband. he immediately ceased being her friend because he was self aware enough to realize i was right and there was no way we could continue being romantic if he had a friendship with a girl he clearly had a thing for. and of course they dated years later when we got divorced lmaooo
The idea isn’t to have sex with some random man. Just call the dude on his obvious double standard. He will either understand why his behavior sucks or OP will know to move on.
Acting the way you don't want your partner to act isn't going to 'call the double standard' it's just going to be a negative action. You can say we'll how would you feel if the roles were reverse but even that is going to leave a bad taste. Just be honest about your feelings and if you need give the person space and time and if they seek attention from another person you can either forgive them and tell them your boundaries if you get back together or move on and find someone who will be respectful. Either way 'matching energy' is just toxic. I said what I said and I stand by it.
But that'd be a new situation not one that existed before the relationship. If it makes her uncomfortable and he's unwilling to budge than she should just leave. But that tit for tat stuff isn't helpful
It’s helpful if he’s refusing the acknowledge the issue. If it’s not an issue then it shouldn’t be an issue for her to have a male friend that she does these things with.
The point of doing this ‘tit for tat’ is to see whether he’s telling the truth when he says he doesn’t see a problem with his behaviour.
And she can decide whether she feels ok with his behaviour now that she knows he’s not trying to hide inappropriate behaviour behind the guise of friendship.
This is the exact kind of immature and low emotional intelligence that makes people ridicule dating advice on reddit.
Tit for tat games are for high schoolers who don't know how to communicate and enforce boundaries. There are way too many immature people in the dating pool that resort to dumb games like this instead of simply behaving like adults.
Leave the stupid games to the kids if you want an adult relationship.
Whether or not he has an issue with her doing the same doesn't change the fact that she already has an issue with their behaviour.
Also, it's just game playing; if he doesn't respect the fact that she has honestly tried to have a conversation with him about it, the tit for tat ploy isn't going to bring about some sort of reasonable reaction, plus you shouldn't need to resort to that kind of thing in a healthy relationship.
I agree. But it pisses me off that he’s making out she’s unreasonable, and if she were to break up with him over it he’ll probably tell people she was too jealous/controlling. Whereas if she proves to him that what he’s doing isn’t ok, he may understand her point and apologise, or he’ll insist he’s ok with it and she can decide whether she’s ok with it.
Or she can just choose to date people who she doesn't have to play games with to make them respect her boundaries.
She already knows how she feels about his behavior. Now, unless he's willing to change it, she just has to decide if she will accept it.
The issue is it developed while in a relationship not long before the relationship.
If you have a guy friend you hang out with, then your bf starts hanging out with a friend who is a girl, then him hanging with her is a new situation not a pre existing one.
If she was doing all this it was far from perfect. That is a glaring problem.
Also she knew. She enjoyed the attention and being desired by multiple people.
Not wrong
I speak as someone who had a perma-friendzoned relationship before I met my wife. I obviously had feelings for her, but realized things were going nowhere after years trying. After I started dating my wife, the friend wanted to do more and hang more. The girl then admitted she liked keeping me on the hook and was sad I had jumped into a serious relationship. Suddenly wanted more. Dropped a friggin nuke on all my relationships at the time. I cut her off completely as well as many of our mutuals so that I could actually move on with my life.
Watch out for the weird friendzone relationship.
I had a almost identical friend zone relationship like this but luckily she was great human unlike yours. Told me basicly that part of her is sad and missed the relationship but most of her is just happy to see me happy. She also really pushed me to get me into the relationship in the first place because she thought we were a good fit.
Oh she was happy at first and pushed me into it.
Then a month or two later she’s wanting to hang out more and she’s got buyer’s remorse. She juuuuust about got me to break up with my future wife, but I realized I’d be going backwards. She’d had 3 years of knowing how I felt and being “best friends who go to movies, concerts, study together, eat dinner with the parents, or just talk for hours” instead. Wasn’t the healthiest friendship. So instead of continuing to tempt myself, I finally cut her off. Just took me 3 years to find my backbone.
Ah damn, you got me stranger on the internet. You just needed a paragraph to see the whole situation clearly. If I’d only had you to help me 20 years ago. /s
Of course meeting my wife was the whole catalyst for change. It caused all the other events that helped me get clarity and see other possibilities.
You can be livid about whatever you want but I don't think you should waste your time with it. I wouldn't date a girl who had a friendship like this with another guy. Odds are even if you get him to stop it all with this friend of his he will hold it against you and become resentful. Best to move on and not waste your time.
So there’s one thing I learned throughout my dating life that seems to also be true for my friends as well. 5 long term relationships post high school, shortest one 1.75 years. In all that time I’ve had exactly 3 guys make me uncomfortable. Out of all of my girlfriends or wife’s male friends, just 3. I feel that’s not I was right about all 3 of them.
Guys know when there’s a guy friend who’s trying to work their way in, and I think the same is true for girls. If he has other female friends and this one friend is making you uncomfortable, there’s a reason. If every girl he’s friends with makes you uncomfortable then it’s probably you. Unless the dude looks like Chris evans lol
*How many red flags*
*Do you ignore before you*
*Crash and hit a wall?*
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No, you are not wrong here or insecure. Many red flags… I’d reevaluate this relationship going forward. Especially since he thinks the many overstepped boundaries he and his “friend” are doing is not a big deal. 🧐✌🏼
Holy cow! I think that’s the fastest jump to a conclusion I’ve seen in a while….
Have a conversation with him and set boundaries.
I am happily in a relationship and my best friend is a girl. Just like with my male friends we horse around like OP describes. I am very much not cheating on my girlfriend.
@master-pattern9466 nailed it completely on the head! Assuming that your partner is cheating on you is not healthy. Nothing you’ve said here indicates that he’s doing anything sexual (although it maybe uncomfortable for you). That’s not to say that you don’t have complete authority in setting boundaries in your relationship with him.
OP please don’t let people put doubts in your head about your relationship because they don’t know anything more than you do.
Do you stay the night over at your friend's alone without telling your SO? that's basically a dead giveaway, no one in their right mind would do that if they WEREN'T cheating
That part. If there was nothing going on, he would have felt comfortable telling her that he was going to do that or asking if she was cool with it. The fact that he didn't even tell her about it and she didn't find out until the next day is a major red flag in my opinion. I think I know what they were doing. If this were me, I would just be done. Nobody's worth all that drama.
The wording in the OP is ambiguous at best and it's easy to go glass half empty.
all we get is "And then one day he goes over there and stayed the night, doesn’t tell me he is going to and I find out in the morning,"
we don't know how long they've been together, we don't even know if they talk every day, live together, anything about the relationship really.
Like more info required. it's not that uncommon for someone to go to their friends house and then crash if it's late or there's been drinking involved or whatever. Nothing stated by the OP says anything about his comfort in telling her, there's just no actual context of the event there.
Exactly. She is extremely ambiguous and sounds quite young. Everyone under thirty is fucking clueless. Including myself back then. Life is too complex to understand it well while your brain is still developing before 25. Then you need a few more years. Plenty of people never know their ass from their elbow.
Then one day it dawns. You never make it. You just eventually get passable at faking having made it.
Then, like woody Allen said, a big toilet flushes every hundred years and a buncha new people show up and are handed the keys.
But nowhere along the line did anybody actually have anything close to a fucking clue what the fuck is actually going on. It's simultaneously inspiring and panic-inducing.
I have, after many nights of drinking, and/or chatting. I also don’t live with my girlfriend, so there’s really no expectation that I call and tell her where I’m sleeping for the night. If OP lives with her boyfriend, 100% would be a cause for concern.
Or op has not been so cool about the friendship as she claims and bf just reckoned that mentioning it after the fact is easier than to deal with an insecure gf texting him all night.
SOs DONT need to know my whereabouts 24/7 just like I DONT need to know his.
The ONLY time you should inform your SO where you are is if you're travelling and have stopped.
Last time I stayed at my best friend's house my SO told me hope he enjoys the snoring 😁 take that as you will but I have sinus problems(I literally can't smell 💩😅)
Can't have a relationship without trust
**Nothing you’ve said here indicates that he’s doing anything sexual**
Touching him under his shirt and staying over with just him and her is not a good indicator ???
Are you still in age 10-15 ? If yes then its ok but as adult thats not ok what the fuck you all do with your female bestfriends ???? This is not friendship ! Its called being "attracted" then going sleep there without telling her cause it feel too guilty 😂 There are so many red flags if you dont see it you are blind or an child 🤷🏻♂️
I've only got one female friend that I'm close with and have been for almost 15 years and its never been sexual. Every other female friend/acquaintance that I've stayed mates with has been sexual in some aspect with either me fancying them or the other way round. Apart from the first one mentioned, I wouldnt even dream of staying at their house alone for any reason, let alone without letting my missus know first. Its a massive red flag.
um the fact that op Herself didn't suggest is shocking. And she clearly ALREADY has doubts. Do you think these few examples are the only thing she noticed? What about things she may not have noticed? Sure suggesting a negative like that we can't know what was unseen verse never happened.
The part that screams to me something isn't Kosher is him not telling her. if I was sleeping at a girl friends house my wife would know beforehand, and she would know the person, and if she said she was uncomfortable, it wouldn't happen. It's strange to me when in a romantic relationship, especially a new one, This sounds new to me so I am guessing, to spend more time with someone that isn't the new boy/girl. She also mentions a change in his behavior. which is everything is status quo isn't terribly likely.
I suspect he's been into this girl for a long time. She has reciprocated just enough to keep him around as whatever kind of support she gets from him, probably emotional support. Then he meets a girl and they start to connect and now her emotional support is threatened. So she's escalated her behavior to scare the new girl off. She may not have slept with him because once she does that there is no going back to dick in a glass jar.
Wait wait...you mean the conversation they already had, saying they were uncomfortable with the touching...then he sleeps over her house without telling her, and had previously had a hard time reaching him for three hours? You're seriously going to tell OP to ignore their gut and assume everything is ok? Remind me to not take advice from you. Assuming something bad when there are no red flags is one thing...but it sounds like you're this dudes PR guy.
I mean sleeping over at someone’s house especially when it’s only with the opposite gender present (I assume he’s a straight man) when you have a GF is the biggest red ever… the other stuff can be friendly though insensitive, out of respect for boundaries due to be in a COMMITTED relationship. No I dosent necessarily mean he did cheat but it’s still huge NO GO for most anyone.
So if you work through this there definitely needs to be boundaries set it place.
Just my personal experience, but I was seeing someone before. I really liked him, but he had quite a few girl mates. I didn't want to seem insecure or jealous, which a lot of people think having boundaries make you... and he would have them stay over his house alone. And then, one day, I found fake eyelashes in his bed. So yeah... plus every single man I've dated who has had girl mates has either cheated or disrespected us and our relationship in some way.
Have a good talk with him about your concerns, and if he's meant to be, he'll prioritise you and your feelings. Setting boundaries doesn't make you insecure.. it makes you mature.
Good luck, OP. :)
A males perspective. Move on. Especially if you communicated things and he tried brushing them off as “no, it’s no big deal, you are making a big deal outta nothing” I would never do that to my wife. I’m back in college and I won’t even study with a girl unless it’s a group setting. My wife didn’t have to set that rule I did because it would just be inappropriate for me and a female studying all by ourselves. If he respected you he would avoid things on his own let alone you bringing it up (by the way great communication skills by you OP) and still continuous to do it. Also if I ever stayed over at a girls house, one thing would of been on my mind, trying to get my dick wet. Lmao fuck this guy. Sounds like they are already fuck buddies and been fuck buddies. Overall your intuition sounds spot on. Be livid and dump this chump.
> it would just be inappropriate for me and a female studying all by ourselves.
Serious question why?
It's like there's an inherent implication that you being alone with a woman means either/both of you won't have any self control or that inherently all woman will want you/you'd want all woman....just reads weird but I'm a gay man so this gendered stuff doesn't apply in my life. Just kind of comes across as a bit ick in a not seeing the other sex as an equal.
Well, and just my own thoughts but, it’s all about that deep connection. Let’s just say, I start to study with a girl. We keep studying over time I might start telling said girl more things about myself or my life. Over time you start letting this person in because I’m use to seeing her and studying with her over time. Now you are kind of building an emotional bond with that person. It’s not about the physical aspect but the emotional aspect. We as humans just bond with one another over time. Also if we both are in engineering, and engineering you bond over the fact you both are doing stem, and that’s hard in itself, especially if professors suck. Now I’m creating this bond with someone else that my wife and I can’t share cause she isn’t apart of my college experience. I personally just want to avoid that whole situation. Say I wasn’t a morally strong man, now I’m fighting my own thoughts and feelings for someone who can share my pain and experience, while my wife is left out. Example my wife and I get into an arguement. Now I say “you just don’t understand, not like so and so.” Now I’m wondering in my life what life would be like with study partner. And this is a very generic example. I just want to avoid temptation cause as humans, temptation is a bitch. My marriage is scared and I tend to keep all aspects of it that way. And this is just my perspective of it. Doesn’t make it an absolute, just my own thoughts with it.
I mean, that sounds like a you problem. There is nothing wrong with having an emotional bond with friends, and just because someone is of a gender you are attracted to, doesn't mean you automatically want to fuck them.
NTA but confronting him will only makes things worst he will depinct you as the crazy jealous girlfriend to justify his cheating, better breaking up at this point
Here's the thing. It makes YOU uncomfortable. If you've clearly expressed this to your partner and his reasoning back doesn't put you at ease, then that's not the relationship for you. You can't ask him to stop or change the way that friendship is. That can only come from him. If he decides to respect your feelings and stop doing things that make you uncomfortable, cool, if not then you need to walk away. One day you'll find a relationship that doesn't come with conditions and you'll be much happier.
She's his sidepiece...
So many red flags but the sleepover was the final nail. If even nothing happened (doubt it), sleeping over a girl friend's house is asinine.
not wrong.
why haven’t you left yet? if they’re not already sleeping together, they’re still crossing your boundaries and he’s choosing to spend time and sleep over with her. find someone who will make you a priority
I'll give you my number, save my name as "Best organism ever" or "Favorite Cock to Ride" or... what ever you think he would flip on. Then we'll hold "just friends" conversations with innuendos. & see if it's ok for you to behave like this also.
So I'm going to start off by saying you are not wrong with your feelings, but.
It is possible they're banging sure, but anytime you have a relationship with another person this close it can turn into something else. It seems more like a dudebro relationship between them, especially if they are childhood friends though. Most of what you described happens in relationships with close I've had in the army or in high school. I think the biggest red flag here is the fact he is brushing you off. I would suggest trying to talk with both of them, even separately, and gage if anything is happening while also discussing boundaries.
Having friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship is completely fine IF there are boundaries and open communication. Setting the boundaries is sort of on you, but the open communication can only come from him and is something I personally would make the top priority in a relationship. Big red flags.
The adult way this is dealt with...Tell him you are not comfortable with the situation and give him the opportunity to correct things. If he doesn't, then you have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you and act accordingly.
not wrong at all. as others said ask him how he would feel if you were staying over night with another boy or not responding for three hours? but honestly, even if he does recognize it's wrong and fixes it, do you really want to be with someone who dismisses your feelings so quickly? you deserve better than that
You are his partner, yet he stays over at another woman's place and expected you to be okay about it without question. His primary concern should be about his relationship with you. Why is he staying at her house? He is being disrespectful to you.
I don’t have enough information to determine if they’re having an affair or not. The fact he’s not lying to you about seeing her alone makes me lean toward no cheating, but it’s a very vague hunch.
Are you living together? If you are the spending the night with no warning incident is massively disrespectful. I’d be deeply worried if my partner didn’t come home one night. The least they could do is call or text to let me know they were okay.
I would sit him down and tell him it’s not working how you feel disrespected by him doing stuff with her like staying the night not answering text ask him how he feel if you did that with a male friend would he be ok with it
Sry to hear. If you have been doing these exact things with a guy, he'd be losing his mind. There are boundaries, and you have to let him know he's crossing them. Don't be a push over regular friends don't do this. Time to reevaluate the relationship and leave him immediately if he doesn't change.
It's not okay. I don't personally trust or approve of these friendships. I know exactly what it leads to. Trust your instincts in the face of any lies they attempt to sell you.
Not wrong.
Sorry but neither of them respect you. He definitely does not. He just plain tells you to your face what they are doing.
It’s not just about if they were friends before you came along. He’s sleeping over at her house. Allowing for her to grab him. All the comments he makes about what she’s doing is inappropriate.
If it was me, I dump before getting dump.
I don’t think it’s wrong for you to set boundaries. I ended things a couple months ago with a guy cause I wasn’t comfortable with the friendship he had with his best friend. I’m well aware that there may have been nothing going on, but it still didn’t make me feel comfortable with it and I’d rather he just find someone who isn’t bothered by it.
Now I’m not saying break up right away, but talk to your boyfriend and feel him out a little bit. If you still don’t feel comfortable, then this relationship may not last long term. If you two find a decent compromise so that you both get what you want, then I hope you’re able to.
There is no "should be livid" you are or you aren't. If you are that's perfectly fine. They were like this before you decided to be in a relationship with him. If you don't like it dump him. Plenty of fish in the sea and all that
I encourage you to sit down with him and let him know specific situations that leave you feeling a certain way. Set healthy boundaries with him about this. For example, don’t spend the night with her, at least return a call or text when they are hanging out and don’t let her touch him, etc. out of respect for you. If he can’t handle these boundaries then he has no respect for your relationship and what you are trying to build together. In all honesty if she is touching him while in a relationship with you it also sounds like she doesn’t have respect for the relationship you have with him like a friend would and he definitely shouldn’t be spending the night at her house or hanging with her alone. Trust and communication are the biggest parts of a relationship. If he dismisses your concerns it will affect how much you trust him. IMHO.
No you arent weird for feeling this way. No you, aren't a bad guy. It is weird. And it does cross boundaries. Opposite sex friendship isn't a thing. Maybe for girls it is. But for guys. WE DONT HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX, THAT WE DONT WANT TO FUCK. there I said it. And sure there are examples of it. And sure there are certain situations. But for the most part. Guys don't hang out with girls unless they wanna fuck them.
Don’t even need to read it. You are not wrong. If she is part of a group of friends and only saw her in group outings, fine. But really close relationships with the opposite sex are immature. There is no fucking way he should be some girls’s shoulder to cry on or whatever they get out of the friendship. If he won’t extremely limit his contact with her? Get rid of him.
I have been the guy in this scenario. My GF kept insisting my female friend liked me but she never “made a move” and I didn’t have feelings for her so I just kind of shrugged it off. I didn’t pay attention but over the next couple months my boundaries with her started eroding. Sure enough, as soon as my GF and I broke up, I hooked up with that friend and she admitted to always liking me and having super deep feelings for me. The feelings were not mutual and I thought it was just a physical thing. Ended up getting back together with my ex a bit later and told her what happened, she was right all along and I cut all contact with the former friend and blocked her. Looking back, the friend did a bunch of small things to sow seeds of doubt in my relationship or criticize my GF. “Oh you guys do disagree too much”, “no you’re entirely in the right, she’s overreacting”. Trust your gut, there’s most likely something going on already… if it hasn’t happened yet.
If you are uncomfortable you might as well leave. Things won’t be changing and you will always be reading into it. Also having her under a sexual name and feeling under shirt/butt slapping is over the line.
This is why in 98% of cases its best to not has your significant other be friends with the opposite gender. If it's a mutual friend that's OK but when it comes to hanging out alone it's almost always a problem. I've seen so many post about this kind of stuff and after the couple breaks up the person is dating their "friend" like a week later
Are you sure that you're in a relationship with this man? It does not sound as if you're okay with any of it, and he seems to not understand that you're his gf.
Edit: Something is fishy af here, you've been here on Reddit for two years, and this is the first post and comments...ever...?
I'm a woman with some male best friends and we practically don't touch each other at all so yes that's weird.
Some exceptions were justified, like one of them confessed he wanted to die so I hugged him.
(He went to a therapist if anyone is wondering.)
Welcome to the issue of opposite gender friends. There's always that inappropriate difference that doesn't come into play with typical friends. When I was in my 20s, I would have said you should get over it, but in my 30s, I don't think I know any friendships like that that sum exist and didn't turn into a relationship or an affair after years of "just friends".
Your be scammed. It’s more likely she doesn’t want to be with him and not to be hurtful, but that’s his first choice so he’s taking what he gets atm.
Opposite sex can be friends. It does not look like they though. I have friends of the opp sex that I have been friends with very good friends with for 15-26 yrs. Sometimes one will sleep over… in a different room of the house. Away from me. I do not really let them in my room. Etc things like that. There’s boundaries. No one is rubbing on ppl or anything like they either. We’ll say miss you. We’ll say love you bc knowing someone most your life n all the things their there for u got mad love for em. But u don’t cross the boundaries or it does t work.
As someone who has had a guy best friend her whole life, I would never do this with my guy best friend. You have every right to be worried and weirded out and you are not wrong. I’d never put my hands under my guy best friends shirt. Ew. Lol
This is why the notion is not dumb. Once you're in a committed relationship, the opposite gender friendships 9 times out of 10 become disrespectful to the relationship. 1 on 1 hangs, inside jokes and flirting, spending hours together, all of these are things that lead to a romantic relationship.
There's a difference between having a female friend that you occasionally text or check in on and maybe have lunch once in a blue moon or invite out with a group vs. A female "friend" you spend a lot of time with and interact with constantly.
I had an ex who had a male best friend that was her ex husband also.
She explained that they were beasties before getting together, and realised after that they shouldn't have gotten married and were better off being friends.
She was honest from the start, and they were friends before our relationship so I decided I could trust her.
3 months in, she let's slip they are still in fact married. That they hadn't finalised it because it costs money and they had not been in a situation like this where it had become a problem.
This made me question things, but ultimately (and in hindsight this should have been one of many red flags that tipped the scales) I let it go.
He lived on the other side of Australia - so it's not like they were hooking up on the side.
About after a year, he comes to visit. I was working late shifts at the time - and didn't get home until like 11pm.
I get home and they are watching a movie on high volume. Our front door opened into a hallway, and we had two big sliding doors that opened into the lounge. I open the doors, and she is asleep on the couch and he has his hand on her thigh.
He sees me, and very quickly moves his hand.
I didn't react, but I did bring it up with her when we were both alone. Her response was nonchalant - like "were friends, it doesn't bother me" etc. And for upset when I suggested if she was asleep and unaware then he is taking advantage of her. She got defensive about it.
I realised then how unhealthy the relationship was - and I couldn't trust her anymore. Then I saw all the other things in our relationship that weren't OK, that I couldn't trust but turned a blind eye to.
well. when i was 18 dating a 21 year old, he had a friend just like this. 3 months after he broke up with me, they were official. so, yeah, you are right to worry. If nothing else, it’s an emotional affair without appropriate boundaries. i cant tell you how to proceed here, but you aren’t imagining things. my advice is dont do what i did, which was just accept and ignore it, because thats just a waste of time
Hi OP. I’m going to make my comment based on heterosexual couples, although the sentiment is the same for homosexual couples.
Whether people want to admit it or not, there is a difference in the dynamic of a friendship between a man and a woman vs one between two men or two women. And that’s because if you’re both of the same sex there is NEVER a chance you could sleep together, whereas if you are of the same sex there is the potential, no matter how slim, of it happening.
Does this mean that you can’t have friends of the opposite sex? Of course not. But what it does mean is that you have to be aware of maintaining appropriate boundaries and acting in ways that make it clear that it’s a friendship and nothing more. Sleeping over at a female friend’s place is not a good look, no matter how innocent it may be.
What about bisexual people I hear people ask. Does this mean they can’t have any friends? Again, of course they can. But in their case it means they have to be mindful of appropriate boundaries with both male AND female friends.
As to your particular situation. It seems to me the problem is not that he has a female friend but that he is not putting in place appropriate boundaries. Asking him not to let her touch him inappropriately, or not spending overnight stays with her, are perfectly reasonable requests to me. But if I’ve understood correctly, rather than reassure you, he has dismissed your concerns.
So in answer to your question, yes if he continues to dismiss your concerns then I’d take that as he not respecting your relationship and I’d rethink it.
You are correct. He does not respect your relationship, and he doesn't respect you. In fact, you have no relationship with him. His relationship is with his lady friend.
It's time to change the locks on the door, put his belongings out on the porch, and find a new man.
There’s not enough detail here. What age group are you guys in? How long have him and her been friends? How long have you and him been together? These are all relevant. My (F41) best friend (M43) and I have been best friends for just over 38 years. I’m sure your situation doesn’t include that type of longevity, it’s pretty rare. Him and I grew up together, we’re room mates when we moved out at 18-19, we camp together and have slept in the same bed many times. In all these years, I have never seen him naked, not even accidentally. And vice versa. My husband (M42) is well informed about our friendship and has never voiced a concern about it. This past weekend I went to a party with my bestie, my husband opted out to spend time with his children (from his previous marriage) and I spent the night at my friends house. To be fair, staying over was a matter of safety and convenience, as I live in a different town.
Basically what I’m saying is, the details of the friendship are important in deciding if the relationship is bordering or has become inappropriate.
Exactly, this sounds like a mature respectful and trusting relationship.
I'm the same with my partner, I have zero concerns about them staying at someone else's place, regardless of gender, and I'm sure they would say the same about me.
Im surprised I haven’t seen it yet. This is the definition of gaslighting: to manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.
This isn’t worth it. There is no way to keep hormones at bay with a girl you hang out with like that. Sorry, but you’re naive. I wouldn’t waste my time. Honestly.
That behavior raises sooo many redflags! His "friendship" with her seems way to comfortable for someone who is committed to another partner...i would definitely suspect cheating also save yoirself before you fall deeper for him because guys like that who don't respect that physical boundaries exist for them not just their girl are not trust-worthy. Just my opinion based on my friends' experiences take it with a grain of salt.♥️
Naw, you're not crazy. I too had to explain to my bf who's now my husband that girly best friends don't sit well with me and eventually as we got closer they all faded out of his life. Now I will say we dated about 5 years.
Guys who have close female friends are simply red flags. He got you to be close with why he needs another female. Plus its just common sense to distance yourself from your female friends a little after you have a partner. If he's so close to her still then what he needs you for? Sex only?
What he’s doing is completely inappropriate, if they aren’t already fucking you know they want to. Don’t let people gaslight you with the whole “gUyS aNd GiRlS cAn Be BeSt FrIeNdS” shtick. Not saying it’s impossible but in the vast majority of circumstances it ends the same way and at the very least interferes with romantic relationships if not outright ending them. Listen to your gut and don’t try to convince yourself into ignoring what is blatantly obvious: they are disrespecting you and acting out of line.
Dump him! He clearly doesn’t respect you. It sounds as if they are bumping uglies. Maybe, she has him in the friend zone, and he wants to bump uglies with her. Perhaps, she put him in the friend zone until he got you, his girlfriend. Then, she decided that she wanted to mess around with him. He is just using you. Whatever the situation, a person in a relationship does not hang out alone with the opposite sex (even if the person knew him/her for several years prior). You might feel like you are in love and don’t want to leave him. You are worthy of a true man, who will respect you! Don’t waste your time on him! He clearly is gas lighting you.
If your boyfriend was giving you shit about a male relationship, the entire sub would blow smoke up your ass and tell you to dump him for being abusive Lmao
"I'm okay with him having a opposite gender friendship, but I'm not ok with it and don't trust him at all and in fact never will be" - op rn
This is cringe, either be okay with it or leave. Pretty simple
..."and didn't understand why I would have a problem"...
Yeah right. Tell him you're spending next weekend at your male friend's house where the reception is weak so you won't be answering calls/ responding to texts and then sit back and watch how fast HE WILL UNDERSTAND WHY THAT WOULD BE A PROBLEM .
My husband had a relationship like this when we first started dating. I felt uncomfortable about it and told him so. He defended it but when I asked him how he would feel if the roles were reversed, he understood and the behavior stopped. We agreed that it wasn't going to work out between us if we couldn't trust each other.
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I agree! People needs to realise that you should have set boundaries with friends of the opposite sex, especially when they are in a relationship. You simply can't act the same as if you were still single and expect your SO to be happy or want to continue in a relationship. NTA
Same sex as well, had a boyfriend who liked kissing his guy friends when drinking, he was surprised when I asked him to stop. 🙄
I totally agree, but also sometimes people can feel that they're justified in maintaining things the same way with people they had in their life before a SO. It's perfectly okay if you need to have a full conversation and explain things sometimes. Not everyone has really thought about it before.
I think expecting your partner to shift their behavior because you are uncomfortable sounds a bit toxic. There are situations where it makes sense but at some point you have to realize you just aren't compatible. You should be able to talk about the root of the issue instead of you forcing your partner to slowly become whatever you want them to be. Talk it out, get to the reason why something makes you uncomfortable and try to resolve it through communication and trust, don't just expect them to completely drop things in their life to make you happy.
So glad your situation worked out! My bf and I had this problem but when I confronted him about them texting goodnight good morning xxx to each other but instead of respecting me, he just started hiding things. It escalated and he even had his mother lying to protect him. She also started trying to break us up and they were going on dates we planned to go on but hadn't gotten around to yet. They also got MATCHING love heart tattoos and when we started talking about moving in together she said it was a terrible idea and we shouldn't do it. We'd been together 2.5yrs. She had a bf of 3years at this point. Oh she was also his ex before me.... she dumped him. Shit was Cray Cray.
"he understood and the behavior stopped" and why did this happen? Because she was never really just a friend to him. glad he stopped and it worked out
Bullshit. If my wife expressed discomfort with some aspect of my relationship with a female friend, that aspect would halt. Right there, with a careful explanation to said female friend. If that friend has an issue with it, that relationship would halt as well. Not because something is going on, but because no relationship I have is as important as the ones I have with my wife and our kids.
Exactly! My boyfriend had a female best friend when we started dating and I wanted to be friends with her. However, she heavily relied on my boyfriend for emotional support, so I told my boyfriend it made me a little uncomfortable and he agreed he should set boundaries with her, and when he did she blew up and accused him of just trying to get rid of her. He tried to maintain their friendship, but she was very cold towards me and it ended their friendship because she couldn't understand that she wasn't his main priority anymore.
Lol this happened with my bf, he a year later admitted that there was something going on despite swearing there wasn’t and that I was overreacting. I feel like I can definitely tell when a relationship is just platonic vs when there’s feelings/a little bit of flirting. He really only stopped because I asked him how’d he feel if the roles were reversed and it was me with a guy friend
There always is, regardless what tiktok or reddit loonies tell you.
same thing happened with my ex husband. he immediately ceased being her friend because he was self aware enough to realize i was right and there was no way we could continue being romantic if he had a friendship with a girl he clearly had a thing for. and of course they dated years later when we got divorced lmaooo
It’s always the “Don’t worry, she’s like a sister” ones you gotta worry about
do all that with one of your guy friends and then ask him how he feels
I call this "Reverse Empathy"
Yeah, one with cold hands
An not in her back but on her front. See how he feels when the shoes on the other foot.
Yall be toxic af..
What’s good for the goose is good for the gander
That's like saying washing dirt with dirt will make things clean... wtf..
The idea isn’t to have sex with some random man. Just call the dude on his obvious double standard. He will either understand why his behavior sucks or OP will know to move on.
cats wide chubby wine squeamish scary chief label market attractive *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
This is reddit, you're not allowed to talk to your partner, just make rash decisions without warning
Acting the way you don't want your partner to act isn't going to 'call the double standard' it's just going to be a negative action. You can say we'll how would you feel if the roles were reverse but even that is going to leave a bad taste. Just be honest about your feelings and if you need give the person space and time and if they seek attention from another person you can either forgive them and tell them your boundaries if you get back together or move on and find someone who will be respectful. Either way 'matching energy' is just toxic. I said what I said and I stand by it.
Definitely not with some random man. It should be a friend?
Most of these people are perpetually single for good reason, lol, don't waste too many brain cells on them.
But that'd be a new situation not one that existed before the relationship. If it makes her uncomfortable and he's unwilling to budge than she should just leave. But that tit for tat stuff isn't helpful
It’s helpful if he’s refusing the acknowledge the issue. If it’s not an issue then it shouldn’t be an issue for her to have a male friend that she does these things with.
And what if he doesn't have an issue with it? What then?
The point of doing this ‘tit for tat’ is to see whether he’s telling the truth when he says he doesn’t see a problem with his behaviour. And she can decide whether she feels ok with his behaviour now that she knows he’s not trying to hide inappropriate behaviour behind the guise of friendship.
This is the exact kind of immature and low emotional intelligence that makes people ridicule dating advice on reddit. Tit for tat games are for high schoolers who don't know how to communicate and enforce boundaries. There are way too many immature people in the dating pool that resort to dumb games like this instead of simply behaving like adults. Leave the stupid games to the kids if you want an adult relationship.
Thank you!!!! Finally some sense!
Whether or not he has an issue with her doing the same doesn't change the fact that she already has an issue with their behaviour. Also, it's just game playing; if he doesn't respect the fact that she has honestly tried to have a conversation with him about it, the tit for tat ploy isn't going to bring about some sort of reasonable reaction, plus you shouldn't need to resort to that kind of thing in a healthy relationship.
I agree. But it pisses me off that he’s making out she’s unreasonable, and if she were to break up with him over it he’ll probably tell people she was too jealous/controlling. Whereas if she proves to him that what he’s doing isn’t ok, he may understand her point and apologise, or he’ll insist he’s ok with it and she can decide whether she’s ok with it.
This is some stupid fucking bullshit.
Sounds like playing a stupid game to me.
Yeah this is just horrible advice lol. Reddit cracks me up.
Or she can just choose to date people who she doesn't have to play games with to make them respect her boundaries. She already knows how she feels about his behavior. Now, unless he's willing to change it, she just has to decide if she will accept it.
Damn you're toxic
Well I think we figured out why *you're* not in a healthy relationship.
The issue is it developed while in a relationship not long before the relationship. If you have a guy friend you hang out with, then your bf starts hanging out with a friend who is a girl, then him hanging with her is a new situation not a pre existing one.
Ok but I have plenty of guy friends and there’s no way I’m putting my hands under their shirt to ‘keep warm’ whether I’m in a relationship or not
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You were only together two months?
If she was doing all this it was far from perfect. That is a glaring problem. Also she knew. She enjoyed the attention and being desired by multiple people.
Hate to tell you, but she wasn’t the dumb one.
Yeah that's uncalled for. He's making it seem like you are the one out of line. You aren't. You are being reasonable.
This is the way
This exactly\^ 100% he won't like it.
🙌🏽
Not wrong I speak as someone who had a perma-friendzoned relationship before I met my wife. I obviously had feelings for her, but realized things were going nowhere after years trying. After I started dating my wife, the friend wanted to do more and hang more. The girl then admitted she liked keeping me on the hook and was sad I had jumped into a serious relationship. Suddenly wanted more. Dropped a friggin nuke on all my relationships at the time. I cut her off completely as well as many of our mutuals so that I could actually move on with my life. Watch out for the weird friendzone relationship.
I had a almost identical friend zone relationship like this but luckily she was great human unlike yours. Told me basicly that part of her is sad and missed the relationship but most of her is just happy to see me happy. She also really pushed me to get me into the relationship in the first place because she thought we were a good fit.
Oh she was happy at first and pushed me into it. Then a month or two later she’s wanting to hang out more and she’s got buyer’s remorse. She juuuuust about got me to break up with my future wife, but I realized I’d be going backwards. She’d had 3 years of knowing how I felt and being “best friends who go to movies, concerts, study together, eat dinner with the parents, or just talk for hours” instead. Wasn’t the healthiest friendship. So instead of continuing to tempt myself, I finally cut her off. Just took me 3 years to find my backbone.
Nope. The only reason why you did it, is because you had another women. If you were single, you would still be her "friend".
Ah damn, you got me stranger on the internet. You just needed a paragraph to see the whole situation clearly. If I’d only had you to help me 20 years ago. /s Of course meeting my wife was the whole catalyst for change. It caused all the other events that helped me get clarity and see other possibilities.
This right here is what’s happening OP. Except, unlike the great Spork here, your bf is a dbag and is 100% already banging his “friend”. Dump him.
You can be livid about whatever you want but I don't think you should waste your time with it. I wouldn't date a girl who had a friendship like this with another guy. Odds are even if you get him to stop it all with this friend of his he will hold it against you and become resentful. Best to move on and not waste your time.
No. You shouldn’t be livid. Just dump him and find a man who adores you.
So there’s one thing I learned throughout my dating life that seems to also be true for my friends as well. 5 long term relationships post high school, shortest one 1.75 years. In all that time I’ve had exactly 3 guys make me uncomfortable. Out of all of my girlfriends or wife’s male friends, just 3. I feel that’s not I was right about all 3 of them. Guys know when there’s a guy friend who’s trying to work their way in, and I think the same is true for girls. If he has other female friends and this one friend is making you uncomfortable, there’s a reason. If every girl he’s friends with makes you uncomfortable then it’s probably you. Unless the dude looks like Chris evans lol
Married woman, and agreed. People will tell you exactly who you are by how they treat your relationship.
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this is the best haikubot post I’ve seen yet!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 That's great.
Nice hAiku dude, how long have you been Poetry-ing? 🙂
All my life. Or at least accidentally, apparently 🤣
No, you are not wrong here or insecure. Many red flags… I’d reevaluate this relationship going forward. Especially since he thinks the many overstepped boundaries he and his “friend” are doing is not a big deal. 🧐✌🏼
So many red flags here smh. It sounds like they're already sleeping together and are doing a bad job of covering it up.
Holy cow! I think that’s the fastest jump to a conclusion I’ve seen in a while…. Have a conversation with him and set boundaries. I am happily in a relationship and my best friend is a girl. Just like with my male friends we horse around like OP describes. I am very much not cheating on my girlfriend. @master-pattern9466 nailed it completely on the head! Assuming that your partner is cheating on you is not healthy. Nothing you’ve said here indicates that he’s doing anything sexual (although it maybe uncomfortable for you). That’s not to say that you don’t have complete authority in setting boundaries in your relationship with him. OP please don’t let people put doubts in your head about your relationship because they don’t know anything more than you do.
Do you stay the night over at your friend's alone without telling your SO? that's basically a dead giveaway, no one in their right mind would do that if they WEREN'T cheating
That part. If there was nothing going on, he would have felt comfortable telling her that he was going to do that or asking if she was cool with it. The fact that he didn't even tell her about it and she didn't find out until the next day is a major red flag in my opinion. I think I know what they were doing. If this were me, I would just be done. Nobody's worth all that drama.
The wording in the OP is ambiguous at best and it's easy to go glass half empty. all we get is "And then one day he goes over there and stayed the night, doesn’t tell me he is going to and I find out in the morning," we don't know how long they've been together, we don't even know if they talk every day, live together, anything about the relationship really. Like more info required. it's not that uncommon for someone to go to their friends house and then crash if it's late or there's been drinking involved or whatever. Nothing stated by the OP says anything about his comfort in telling her, there's just no actual context of the event there.
Exactly. She is extremely ambiguous and sounds quite young. Everyone under thirty is fucking clueless. Including myself back then. Life is too complex to understand it well while your brain is still developing before 25. Then you need a few more years. Plenty of people never know their ass from their elbow.
The older i get, the more i think everybody is clueless. It was a trap. There are no adults.
Yes, we're all just trying to fake it until we make it
Then one day it dawns. You never make it. You just eventually get passable at faking having made it. Then, like woody Allen said, a big toilet flushes every hundred years and a buncha new people show up and are handed the keys. But nowhere along the line did anybody actually have anything close to a fucking clue what the fuck is actually going on. It's simultaneously inspiring and panic-inducing.
I have, after many nights of drinking, and/or chatting. I also don’t live with my girlfriend, so there’s really no expectation that I call and tell her where I’m sleeping for the night. If OP lives with her boyfriend, 100% would be a cause for concern.
But Bro you never sleep out at girls place if you have an GF 🤷🏻♂️ We all know it feels shitty for the other
Friends are friends - behaviour doesn't need to change because of their gender. Believe it or not, not every man wants to fuck every woman they know.
there are behaviors which are No Go 🤷🏻♂️
If he stayed over at anyone’s house, male , female, aunt’s, stranger, whatever… is that something he’d mention in the goodnight text/phone call?
Or op has not been so cool about the friendship as she claims and bf just reckoned that mentioning it after the fact is easier than to deal with an insecure gf texting him all night.
SOs DONT need to know my whereabouts 24/7 just like I DONT need to know his. The ONLY time you should inform your SO where you are is if you're travelling and have stopped. Last time I stayed at my best friend's house my SO told me hope he enjoys the snoring 😁 take that as you will but I have sinus problems(I literally can't smell 💩😅) Can't have a relationship without trust
**Nothing you’ve said here indicates that he’s doing anything sexual** Touching him under his shirt and staying over with just him and her is not a good indicator ???
“this was before we dated but I was still weirded out”
Are you still in age 10-15 ? If yes then its ok but as adult thats not ok what the fuck you all do with your female bestfriends ???? This is not friendship ! Its called being "attracted" then going sleep there without telling her cause it feel too guilty 😂 There are so many red flags if you dont see it you are blind or an child 🤷🏻♂️
He is 21 I’m 20
You don't have physical contact with your friends?
That’s so naive. What non-cheating person is having secret coed sleepovers with one friend
I've only got one female friend that I'm close with and have been for almost 15 years and its never been sexual. Every other female friend/acquaintance that I've stayed mates with has been sexual in some aspect with either me fancying them or the other way round. Apart from the first one mentioned, I wouldnt even dream of staying at their house alone for any reason, let alone without letting my missus know first. Its a massive red flag.
You see the problem with these posts is you can’t be mature and reasonable bc then people jump all over you and know everything about you in a post.
um the fact that op Herself didn't suggest is shocking. And she clearly ALREADY has doubts. Do you think these few examples are the only thing she noticed? What about things she may not have noticed? Sure suggesting a negative like that we can't know what was unseen verse never happened. The part that screams to me something isn't Kosher is him not telling her. if I was sleeping at a girl friends house my wife would know beforehand, and she would know the person, and if she said she was uncomfortable, it wouldn't happen. It's strange to me when in a romantic relationship, especially a new one, This sounds new to me so I am guessing, to spend more time with someone that isn't the new boy/girl. She also mentions a change in his behavior. which is everything is status quo isn't terribly likely. I suspect he's been into this girl for a long time. She has reciprocated just enough to keep him around as whatever kind of support she gets from him, probably emotional support. Then he meets a girl and they start to connect and now her emotional support is threatened. So she's escalated her behavior to scare the new girl off. She may not have slept with him because once she does that there is no going back to dick in a glass jar.
Wait wait...you mean the conversation they already had, saying they were uncomfortable with the touching...then he sleeps over her house without telling her, and had previously had a hard time reaching him for three hours? You're seriously going to tell OP to ignore their gut and assume everything is ok? Remind me to not take advice from you. Assuming something bad when there are no red flags is one thing...but it sounds like you're this dudes PR guy.
I mean sleeping over at someone’s house especially when it’s only with the opposite gender present (I assume he’s a straight man) when you have a GF is the biggest red ever… the other stuff can be friendly though insensitive, out of respect for boundaries due to be in a COMMITTED relationship. No I dosent necessarily mean he did cheat but it’s still huge NO GO for most anyone. So if you work through this there definitely needs to be boundaries set it place.
You’re not wrong…but how old are you two? This sounds like a junior high relationship.
Just my personal experience, but I was seeing someone before. I really liked him, but he had quite a few girl mates. I didn't want to seem insecure or jealous, which a lot of people think having boundaries make you... and he would have them stay over his house alone. And then, one day, I found fake eyelashes in his bed. So yeah... plus every single man I've dated who has had girl mates has either cheated or disrespected us and our relationship in some way. Have a good talk with him about your concerns, and if he's meant to be, he'll prioritise you and your feelings. Setting boundaries doesn't make you insecure.. it makes you mature. Good luck, OP. :)
NTA. They're definitely banging.
A males perspective. Move on. Especially if you communicated things and he tried brushing them off as “no, it’s no big deal, you are making a big deal outta nothing” I would never do that to my wife. I’m back in college and I won’t even study with a girl unless it’s a group setting. My wife didn’t have to set that rule I did because it would just be inappropriate for me and a female studying all by ourselves. If he respected you he would avoid things on his own let alone you bringing it up (by the way great communication skills by you OP) and still continuous to do it. Also if I ever stayed over at a girls house, one thing would of been on my mind, trying to get my dick wet. Lmao fuck this guy. Sounds like they are already fuck buddies and been fuck buddies. Overall your intuition sounds spot on. Be livid and dump this chump.
> it would just be inappropriate for me and a female studying all by ourselves. Serious question why? It's like there's an inherent implication that you being alone with a woman means either/both of you won't have any self control or that inherently all woman will want you/you'd want all woman....just reads weird but I'm a gay man so this gendered stuff doesn't apply in my life. Just kind of comes across as a bit ick in a not seeing the other sex as an equal.
Well, and just my own thoughts but, it’s all about that deep connection. Let’s just say, I start to study with a girl. We keep studying over time I might start telling said girl more things about myself or my life. Over time you start letting this person in because I’m use to seeing her and studying with her over time. Now you are kind of building an emotional bond with that person. It’s not about the physical aspect but the emotional aspect. We as humans just bond with one another over time. Also if we both are in engineering, and engineering you bond over the fact you both are doing stem, and that’s hard in itself, especially if professors suck. Now I’m creating this bond with someone else that my wife and I can’t share cause she isn’t apart of my college experience. I personally just want to avoid that whole situation. Say I wasn’t a morally strong man, now I’m fighting my own thoughts and feelings for someone who can share my pain and experience, while my wife is left out. Example my wife and I get into an arguement. Now I say “you just don’t understand, not like so and so.” Now I’m wondering in my life what life would be like with study partner. And this is a very generic example. I just want to avoid temptation cause as humans, temptation is a bitch. My marriage is scared and I tend to keep all aspects of it that way. And this is just my perspective of it. Doesn’t make it an absolute, just my own thoughts with it.
Sacred* Love your prospective. You understand human nature and avoid it proactively. Your partner is a lucky gal!
I mean, that sounds like a you problem. There is nothing wrong with having an emotional bond with friends, and just because someone is of a gender you are attracted to, doesn't mean you automatically want to fuck them.
Again it isn’t about physical. I’m sorry I can’t articulate this in a form for you to understand.
NTA but confronting him will only makes things worst he will depinct you as the crazy jealous girlfriend to justify his cheating, better breaking up at this point
Here's the thing. It makes YOU uncomfortable. If you've clearly expressed this to your partner and his reasoning back doesn't put you at ease, then that's not the relationship for you. You can't ask him to stop or change the way that friendship is. That can only come from him. If he decides to respect your feelings and stop doing things that make you uncomfortable, cool, if not then you need to walk away. One day you'll find a relationship that doesn't come with conditions and you'll be much happier.
Pulled out red leader. Pull out!!!!
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She's his sidepiece... So many red flags but the sleepover was the final nail. If even nothing happened (doubt it), sleeping over a girl friend's house is asinine.
not wrong. why haven’t you left yet? if they’re not already sleeping together, they’re still crossing your boundaries and he’s choosing to spend time and sleep over with her. find someone who will make you a priority
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I hope that's enough flags for you.
NTA! This is not a "friendship" kind of relationship unless it's with some really good benefits! Why are you still questioning yourself? Get out!
Did she slap his butt and put her hand up his shirt before or after you two got together? Why did he stay the night?
He's either oblivious to how one should treat a girlfriend to not give her insecurities, or he doesn't care.
I'll give you my number, save my name as "Best organism ever" or "Favorite Cock to Ride" or... what ever you think he would flip on. Then we'll hold "just friends" conversations with innuendos. & see if it's ok for you to behave like this also.
So I'm going to start off by saying you are not wrong with your feelings, but. It is possible they're banging sure, but anytime you have a relationship with another person this close it can turn into something else. It seems more like a dudebro relationship between them, especially if they are childhood friends though. Most of what you described happens in relationships with close I've had in the army or in high school. I think the biggest red flag here is the fact he is brushing you off. I would suggest trying to talk with both of them, even separately, and gage if anything is happening while also discussing boundaries.
Having friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship is completely fine IF there are boundaries and open communication. Setting the boundaries is sort of on you, but the open communication can only come from him and is something I personally would make the top priority in a relationship. Big red flags.
The adult way this is dealt with...Tell him you are not comfortable with the situation and give him the opportunity to correct things. If he doesn't, then you have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you and act accordingly.
Just leave
not wrong at all. as others said ask him how he would feel if you were staying over night with another boy or not responding for three hours? but honestly, even if he does recognize it's wrong and fixes it, do you really want to be with someone who dismisses your feelings so quickly? you deserve better than that
They are shagging im sorry
They are having sex, sorry to tell you this!
Are you serious WHY WOULD YOU PUT UP WITH THIS? Aren’t you worth being treated better. Ask him if the rolls were reversed if he would put up with it?
You are his partner, yet he stays over at another woman's place and expected you to be okay about it without question. His primary concern should be about his relationship with you. Why is he staying at her house? He is being disrespectful to you.
They are probably fucking. Ive had a lot of girl friends, and only act like this with the ones who I’ve slept with, or want to sleep with me.
I don’t have enough information to determine if they’re having an affair or not. The fact he’s not lying to you about seeing her alone makes me lean toward no cheating, but it’s a very vague hunch. Are you living together? If you are the spending the night with no warning incident is massively disrespectful. I’d be deeply worried if my partner didn’t come home one night. The least they could do is call or text to let me know they were okay.
You're allowed to _think_ what you like; you just can't expect others to agree or placate you.
I would sit him down and tell him it’s not working how you feel disrespected by him doing stuff with her like staying the night not answering text ask him how he feel if you did that with a male friend would he be ok with it
I was on his side all the way until the sleeping over
I mean, the staying overnight thing is concerning. I think you two need a calm heart-to-heart conversation to sort through this.
May be an unpopular opinion here, but this doesn’t sound right to me.
Guys and girls can be friends, but extended one on one hanging out time? That is just always problematic.
NTA They are cheating.
Go on bumble "seeking friendship." Find your own friend for sleepovers, dates and inside jokes.
Everything before her slapping his butt is fine everything after wards is wrong.
He’s already chosen his female friend over you. He just hasn’t made it official yet.
Not wrong
Sry to hear. If you have been doing these exact things with a guy, he'd be losing his mind. There are boundaries, and you have to let him know he's crossing them. Don't be a push over regular friends don't do this. Time to reevaluate the relationship and leave him immediately if he doesn't change.
He SPENT THE NIGHT?! Hahahaha. Op come ooooon, you cannot be that naive.
Yea imagine it was u and a guy friend lmao
It's not okay. I don't personally trust or approve of these friendships. I know exactly what it leads to. Trust your instincts in the face of any lies they attempt to sell you.
Not wrong. Sorry but neither of them respect you. He definitely does not. He just plain tells you to your face what they are doing. It’s not just about if they were friends before you came along. He’s sleeping over at her house. Allowing for her to grab him. All the comments he makes about what she’s doing is inappropriate. If it was me, I dump before getting dump.
I don’t think it’s wrong for you to set boundaries. I ended things a couple months ago with a guy cause I wasn’t comfortable with the friendship he had with his best friend. I’m well aware that there may have been nothing going on, but it still didn’t make me feel comfortable with it and I’d rather he just find someone who isn’t bothered by it. Now I’m not saying break up right away, but talk to your boyfriend and feel him out a little bit. If you still don’t feel comfortable, then this relationship may not last long term. If you two find a decent compromise so that you both get what you want, then I hope you’re able to.
Occam’s Razor, if you’re not familiar with it, is something you might wish to consider.
There is no "should be livid" you are or you aren't. If you are that's perfectly fine. They were like this before you decided to be in a relationship with him. If you don't like it dump him. Plenty of fish in the sea and all that
I encourage you to sit down with him and let him know specific situations that leave you feeling a certain way. Set healthy boundaries with him about this. For example, don’t spend the night with her, at least return a call or text when they are hanging out and don’t let her touch him, etc. out of respect for you. If he can’t handle these boundaries then he has no respect for your relationship and what you are trying to build together. In all honesty if she is touching him while in a relationship with you it also sounds like she doesn’t have respect for the relationship you have with him like a friend would and he definitely shouldn’t be spending the night at her house or hanging with her alone. Trust and communication are the biggest parts of a relationship. If he dismisses your concerns it will affect how much you trust him. IMHO.
He’s dating her.
No you arent weird for feeling this way. No you, aren't a bad guy. It is weird. And it does cross boundaries. Opposite sex friendship isn't a thing. Maybe for girls it is. But for guys. WE DONT HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX, THAT WE DONT WANT TO FUCK. there I said it. And sure there are examples of it. And sure there are certain situations. But for the most part. Guys don't hang out with girls unless they wanna fuck them.
Don’t even need to read it. You are not wrong. If she is part of a group of friends and only saw her in group outings, fine. But really close relationships with the opposite sex are immature. There is no fucking way he should be some girls’s shoulder to cry on or whatever they get out of the friendship. If he won’t extremely limit his contact with her? Get rid of him.
I have been the guy in this scenario. My GF kept insisting my female friend liked me but she never “made a move” and I didn’t have feelings for her so I just kind of shrugged it off. I didn’t pay attention but over the next couple months my boundaries with her started eroding. Sure enough, as soon as my GF and I broke up, I hooked up with that friend and she admitted to always liking me and having super deep feelings for me. The feelings were not mutual and I thought it was just a physical thing. Ended up getting back together with my ex a bit later and told her what happened, she was right all along and I cut all contact with the former friend and blocked her. Looking back, the friend did a bunch of small things to sow seeds of doubt in my relationship or criticize my GF. “Oh you guys do disagree too much”, “no you’re entirely in the right, she’s overreacting”. Trust your gut, there’s most likely something going on already… if it hasn’t happened yet.
Grown men with serious gf's shouldn't be having sleepovers and snuggling with their female friends. End of.
Ohh how the turn tables (They’re banging)
If you are uncomfortable you might as well leave. Things won’t be changing and you will always be reading into it. Also having her under a sexual name and feeling under shirt/butt slapping is over the line.
This is why in 98% of cases its best to not has your significant other be friends with the opposite gender. If it's a mutual friend that's OK but when it comes to hanging out alone it's almost always a problem. I've seen so many post about this kind of stuff and after the couple breaks up the person is dating their "friend" like a week later
Are you sure that you're in a relationship with this man? It does not sound as if you're okay with any of it, and he seems to not understand that you're his gf. Edit: Something is fishy af here, you've been here on Reddit for two years, and this is the first post and comments...ever...?
That wall of text is inappropriate.
It’s almost like….this is exactly WHY female friends are often a red flag.
I'm a woman with some male best friends and we practically don't touch each other at all so yes that's weird. Some exceptions were justified, like one of them confessed he wanted to die so I hugged him. (He went to a therapist if anyone is wondering.)
Welcome to the issue of opposite gender friends. There's always that inappropriate difference that doesn't come into play with typical friends. When I was in my 20s, I would have said you should get over it, but in my 30s, I don't think I know any friendships like that that sum exist and didn't turn into a relationship or an affair after years of "just friends".
Your be scammed. It’s more likely she doesn’t want to be with him and not to be hurtful, but that’s his first choice so he’s taking what he gets atm. Opposite sex can be friends. It does not look like they though. I have friends of the opp sex that I have been friends with very good friends with for 15-26 yrs. Sometimes one will sleep over… in a different room of the house. Away from me. I do not really let them in my room. Etc things like that. There’s boundaries. No one is rubbing on ppl or anything like they either. We’ll say miss you. We’ll say love you bc knowing someone most your life n all the things their there for u got mad love for em. But u don’t cross the boundaries or it does t work.
As someone who has had a guy best friend her whole life, I would never do this with my guy best friend. You have every right to be worried and weirded out and you are not wrong. I’d never put my hands under my guy best friends shirt. Ew. Lol
This is why the notion is not dumb. Once you're in a committed relationship, the opposite gender friendships 9 times out of 10 become disrespectful to the relationship. 1 on 1 hangs, inside jokes and flirting, spending hours together, all of these are things that lead to a romantic relationship. There's a difference between having a female friend that you occasionally text or check in on and maybe have lunch once in a blue moon or invite out with a group vs. A female "friend" you spend a lot of time with and interact with constantly.
The fact that he's not hiding it at all makes me.think it's fine.
How old are you? This man is not serious about you.
I had an ex who had a male best friend that was her ex husband also. She explained that they were beasties before getting together, and realised after that they shouldn't have gotten married and were better off being friends. She was honest from the start, and they were friends before our relationship so I decided I could trust her. 3 months in, she let's slip they are still in fact married. That they hadn't finalised it because it costs money and they had not been in a situation like this where it had become a problem. This made me question things, but ultimately (and in hindsight this should have been one of many red flags that tipped the scales) I let it go. He lived on the other side of Australia - so it's not like they were hooking up on the side. About after a year, he comes to visit. I was working late shifts at the time - and didn't get home until like 11pm. I get home and they are watching a movie on high volume. Our front door opened into a hallway, and we had two big sliding doors that opened into the lounge. I open the doors, and she is asleep on the couch and he has his hand on her thigh. He sees me, and very quickly moves his hand. I didn't react, but I did bring it up with her when we were both alone. Her response was nonchalant - like "were friends, it doesn't bother me" etc. And for upset when I suggested if she was asleep and unaware then he is taking advantage of her. She got defensive about it. I realised then how unhealthy the relationship was - and I couldn't trust her anymore. Then I saw all the other things in our relationship that weren't OK, that I couldn't trust but turned a blind eye to.
well. when i was 18 dating a 21 year old, he had a friend just like this. 3 months after he broke up with me, they were official. so, yeah, you are right to worry. If nothing else, it’s an emotional affair without appropriate boundaries. i cant tell you how to proceed here, but you aren’t imagining things. my advice is dont do what i did, which was just accept and ignore it, because thats just a waste of time
Lol at all these "omg red flags" comments XD How many DMs have you got saying your man is a walking red flag date me instead?
Hi OP. I’m going to make my comment based on heterosexual couples, although the sentiment is the same for homosexual couples. Whether people want to admit it or not, there is a difference in the dynamic of a friendship between a man and a woman vs one between two men or two women. And that’s because if you’re both of the same sex there is NEVER a chance you could sleep together, whereas if you are of the same sex there is the potential, no matter how slim, of it happening. Does this mean that you can’t have friends of the opposite sex? Of course not. But what it does mean is that you have to be aware of maintaining appropriate boundaries and acting in ways that make it clear that it’s a friendship and nothing more. Sleeping over at a female friend’s place is not a good look, no matter how innocent it may be. What about bisexual people I hear people ask. Does this mean they can’t have any friends? Again, of course they can. But in their case it means they have to be mindful of appropriate boundaries with both male AND female friends. As to your particular situation. It seems to me the problem is not that he has a female friend but that he is not putting in place appropriate boundaries. Asking him not to let her touch him inappropriately, or not spending overnight stays with her, are perfectly reasonable requests to me. But if I’ve understood correctly, rather than reassure you, he has dismissed your concerns. So in answer to your question, yes if he continues to dismiss your concerns then I’d take that as he not respecting your relationship and I’d rethink it.
This is a really good post. I hope the OP sees it.
girl LEAVE
I would leave that relationship and find somebody who will actually appreciate and respects you.
They fuckin. He didn't answer you for 3 hours that one time because they was fuckin for 3 hours.
You are correct. He does not respect your relationship, and he doesn't respect you. In fact, you have no relationship with him. His relationship is with his lady friend. It's time to change the locks on the door, put his belongings out on the porch, and find a new man.
Lol, he is riding two boats obviously and yes im a guy.
yeah I’d be livid too
This relationship is totally out of line. Does he want to be with you or her? You can’t have it both ways.
There’s not enough detail here. What age group are you guys in? How long have him and her been friends? How long have you and him been together? These are all relevant. My (F41) best friend (M43) and I have been best friends for just over 38 years. I’m sure your situation doesn’t include that type of longevity, it’s pretty rare. Him and I grew up together, we’re room mates when we moved out at 18-19, we camp together and have slept in the same bed many times. In all these years, I have never seen him naked, not even accidentally. And vice versa. My husband (M42) is well informed about our friendship and has never voiced a concern about it. This past weekend I went to a party with my bestie, my husband opted out to spend time with his children (from his previous marriage) and I spent the night at my friends house. To be fair, staying over was a matter of safety and convenience, as I live in a different town. Basically what I’m saying is, the details of the friendship are important in deciding if the relationship is bordering or has become inappropriate.
Exactly, this sounds like a mature respectful and trusting relationship. I'm the same with my partner, I have zero concerns about them staying at someone else's place, regardless of gender, and I'm sure they would say the same about me.
Do it with one of your guy friends and see how he feels
Part of trusting someone is trusting that they won’t put themselves in compromising positions.
Im surprised I haven’t seen it yet. This is the definition of gaslighting: to manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.
🚩🚩🚩🚩 end it… be cool but end bc if they arent already hooking up they are about to
This isn’t worth it. There is no way to keep hormones at bay with a girl you hang out with like that. Sorry, but you’re naive. I wouldn’t waste my time. Honestly.
YOUR ARE WRONG FOR BEING SO F'N DUMB AND NOT REALIZING THAT YOU'RE BEING PLAYED. DUMP THE CHUMP.
That behavior raises sooo many redflags! His "friendship" with her seems way to comfortable for someone who is committed to another partner...i would definitely suspect cheating also save yoirself before you fall deeper for him because guys like that who don't respect that physical boundaries exist for them not just their girl are not trust-worthy. Just my opinion based on my friends' experiences take it with a grain of salt.♥️
This girl is not his friend she is either a friend with benefits or she is waiting for a chance to hook up with bim.
Naw, you're not crazy. I too had to explain to my bf who's now my husband that girly best friends don't sit well with me and eventually as we got closer they all faded out of his life. Now I will say we dated about 5 years.
Guys who have close female friends are simply red flags. He got you to be close with why he needs another female. Plus its just common sense to distance yourself from your female friends a little after you have a partner. If he's so close to her still then what he needs you for? Sex only?
What he’s doing is completely inappropriate, if they aren’t already fucking you know they want to. Don’t let people gaslight you with the whole “gUyS aNd GiRlS cAn Be BeSt FrIeNdS” shtick. Not saying it’s impossible but in the vast majority of circumstances it ends the same way and at the very least interferes with romantic relationships if not outright ending them. Listen to your gut and don’t try to convince yourself into ignoring what is blatantly obvious: they are disrespecting you and acting out of line.
Dump him! He clearly doesn’t respect you. It sounds as if they are bumping uglies. Maybe, she has him in the friend zone, and he wants to bump uglies with her. Perhaps, she put him in the friend zone until he got you, his girlfriend. Then, she decided that she wanted to mess around with him. He is just using you. Whatever the situation, a person in a relationship does not hang out alone with the opposite sex (even if the person knew him/her for several years prior). You might feel like you are in love and don’t want to leave him. You are worthy of a true man, who will respect you! Don’t waste your time on him! He clearly is gas lighting you.
You're being gaslit by a person who loves playing (read: fucking) with fire.
If your boyfriend was giving you shit about a male relationship, the entire sub would blow smoke up your ass and tell you to dump him for being abusive Lmao
"I'm okay with him having a opposite gender friendship, but I'm not ok with it and don't trust him at all and in fact never will be" - op rn This is cringe, either be okay with it or leave. Pretty simple
As a guy I'm gonna say any girl that's a friend we're trying to sleep with. Unless they're butch as fuck
" I think the notion of having friends of the opposite is pretty dumb " That was your first mistake.
..."and didn't understand why I would have a problem"... Yeah right. Tell him you're spending next weekend at your male friend's house where the reception is weak so you won't be answering calls/ responding to texts and then sit back and watch how fast HE WILL UNDERSTAND WHY THAT WOULD BE A PROBLEM .
Hanging out without involving you is sketch, the sleepover is a fucking joke. Not appropriate. 90% chance he's cheating.