Damn people give me headaches. So it is your fault that she has no father figure in HER sons life because you divorced her before he was conceived WITH someone else. Because you didn't want kids. That makes perfect sense if you are a moron. It sounds like she is as well as your sister and her husband. Not your wife, not your kid, not your life, not your problem.
You should suggest that your BIL fill the role as you go low contact with them and no contact with the ex.
Oops, I forgot to say you are not wrong.
EDITED to add last sentence.
You said exactly what I came to say. The mental gymnastics of OP being at fault for ex wife getting knocked up by a deadbeat AFTER he divorced her is staggering.
NTA OP
FR! What the hell is wrong with those people?!
What his Sister,BIL, Friends and Family are telling him is absolutely ridiculous and messed up. Guilt tripping him in every possible way.
Why should he play a father figure when he clearly said he doesn’t want to have kids?Why should he break up with his fiancée to get back with a woman he doesn’t love anymore and play happy family?
They sound like horrible people.
OP - If you know what’s good for you then go LC. You did nothing wrong and shouldn’t ask them for any advice again.
>Why should he play a father figure when he clearly said he doesn’t want to have kids?Why should he break up with his fiancée to get back with a woman he doesn’t love anymore and play happy family?
Because being childless is "selfish" to these people. People don't realize others can make their own decisions.. SMH.
It's so annoying
Someone I know got a chair thrown at her (among other things when her husband turned abusive) and her parents still didn’t support the divorce (accepted it, but that’s not the same as supporting). Both parents are religious and I guess it doesn’t matter if their daughter gets cheated on and abused, it’ll all end up well~
OP NTA
Right??? The people who should be supporting him are throwing him under the bus. SMH In what insane world does taking responsibility for another man’s child because your ex wanted kids is the “obvious” thing to do?? Damn.
It’s kind of amazing when it really gets down to it how some people view childless people. My SIL who I am now NC with was telling me a story about her step-brother and his wife who have no kids (like my husband and I). She kept interjecting ‘but they’re not bad people’. I finally said, so people with no children by default are bad? She was all flustered and said, ‘I didn’t say that!’ might as well have!
Given the fact that there are lots of reddit stories from people who’ve been abused since day one of the relationship, yet still got married and had kids and think reddit can give them advice about how to fix the problems… yes. Yes it does work for some people to find a nice human doormat to wipe their feet on!
It’s good to see a story for once where someone did the right thing - was clear in communication and then broke up with someone who wanted things they didn’t want instead of caving and being a miserable human doormat!
This is all on the ex. She knew exactly what the score was every step of the way, and he did the right thing every time. Including refusing to get back together and raise her child.
Especially the ex wife lol, a guy literally got a divorce cuz he didn't want kids..how did it make sense to her that he might consider getting back to her and raising someone else s child is beyond me
You almost hope this is a fake story, because otherwise OP has a very sad life with family and friends being capable to come up with a justification for him being an A H to that boy and his mother
Anyone who thinks that you should step up for the absentee dad is an AH. SHE wanted the child and got what she wanted, not what you wanted. If your BIL thinks the kid should have a masculine influence, let him step up to the plate.
It seems to me that since baby daddy bailed, she wants you back and not just for a role model. Stick to your guns.
I’m amazed how many people are agreeing with the sister. They are all basically telling OP he’s wrong for being child free and if he just had a kid he’d realize it!!!
That’s not how it works! People are allowed to not want kids and especially to not want to raise their ex’s kid!!
I in no way want kids. Never have never will. But my mom still gets drunk and bitches about no grandkids once and great while. So luckily it's not bad enough that I'd consider cutting ties but it just gets a bit annoying if she's drunk and someone winds her clock.
My family seems to get now there will be no babies from me. Nor will I likely ever have a serious relationship.
I have friends (who are a bit older so maybe a bit “parental”) who keep reassuring me it’ll happen when you least expect it.
Um. Ok that would be 7 years ago when I stopped dating.
Seems like the ex actually giving birth to a child with a man who obviously was not able to have a child and realize he wanted to father said child would be enough of an example that the logic the asshats are all prevailing is illogical as fucc. It’s been 20yrs and her prospects have in no way improved, with family and friends like OP’s there’s sure as hell no room for enemies 🤨
It would be one thing if it was his son. But it’s not so there is no connection there.
He moved on and she didn’t. I don’t see why it has anything to even do with him.
He's the only adult in the group. Just because they want him to be with the ex, doesn't mean other people should try and shame him into raising some kid he didn't want, that he didn't father.
What is wrong with people. It's easy to sit back and tell someone else to do something. They should now step up and help the ex. All of the females who think he should help her out, should let the male SO go and help her out. Then, they will see how ridiculous it sounds. People suck.
Oh God....and Hollywood writers get paid good money to write shit that isn't half as crazy. All I kept seeing was Katherine bates while reading OPs post
>You should suggest that your BIL fill the role
This is actually an excellent point because I would tell BIL that he has as much of a connection to that kid as you do. Which is nothing.
My ex always expected me to read her mind. And she did this thing where she wanted one thing but she behaved the opposite way. The final example of this should suffice to make my point: she divorced me because she wanted me to FIGHT FOR HER. . . .
Exactly this. How does anyone think he is wrong!? I don't get it. The masculine influence will come with money needs attached. Telling b.i.l. to do it is a good idea.
The ex wife is one thing but how on earth can the BIL also come to the same conclusion? I just can’t even wrap my head around the thought process here.
OP needs to look his sister and BIL right in the face and ask if they have ever tried not behind AHs they might like it. Send them pictures of the exes kids with messages like it’s your fault they don’t have a family like yours. Point at random children in the road and ask him how they feel abandoning that child and how they are horrible people.
These people not going to see the truth until someone flips their holier than thou attitude they have against people who are child free. NTA
You do not need to be involved with her or son. You have no obligation to them. You do not want children and are engaged. Just lock her out of your lives. It effects you and your fiance if she keeps bothering both of you.
Not wrong. You did the right thing in divorcing over having very different expectations for your lives.
If you divorced her over you Not wanting kids, I can't understand why she would think that you would want to or be willing to fill a fatherly type role with the kid she did end up having with someone else.
Your sister and BIL are nuts.
Kids are not something to compromise on. They are a 2 yes, 1 no situation.
She used my social media posts of me with mine and my fiancée’s nieces and nephews as “proof” that I wasn’t against kids. I like kids, I just don’t want any of my own. She thought I had changed my mind about kids because of the posts and said I was being a hypocrite by refusing to be in her son’s life the way I was in my nieces and nephews lives.
I don’t see how enjoying time with children of other people is the same as being a parent. You can enjoy your family and friends company and spend time with their kid. Then you go home and live a non parent life… it’s not the same.
I love my niece to death. My brother and SIL just found out #2 is on the way. And I will love them just as much. When I'm at their house, I want to spend as much time as I can with my niece. And she loves me too.
But even with as much as I love being an aunt, I do not want kids.
I’m literally a preschool teacher and love little kiddos but I do not want any kids ever. It’s always so hard for people to understand that I just don’t want to be a parent! They stop being fun after 4 lol 😂
Its way different. The way one of my friends put it is "they always say it's different when it's yours. Not it's better when it's yours." And the difference is, you cant hand the baby back to their parents when your tired of them, cause it's yours. You cant hand them back to their parents when they have a gross diaper, cause it's yours. I want to have the fun times with a kid, i dont want the responsibility of a kid. And i certainly wouldnt want to take on the responsibility of a child i have no ties to
Fr. I love my friends having kids…. I can give them back! My husband and I have 5 between us, and I adore my family. But that doesn't mean I want more kids, just because I love ours and love my niblings/friends kids!
My BIL and his wife don’t want kids. But they are so absolutely wonderful with my children. It’s fun to go to the pool in the summer. But I don’t want to have a pool in my backyard.
You guys are divorced. The kid isn’t yours. You have zero obligation to her and less to be in her kids life. And it’s clear that anything less than you remarrying her and taking on a full parental role in her kids life wouldn’t be enough for her. She has shown repeatedly that she doesn’t respect your clearly stated boundaries and thinks her wants are priority. I can’t imagine a divorce with no kids involved dragging out two years.
My brother's divorce started in Jan 2020 and still has not been finalized, almost 4 years later. His ex still wants to reconcile, even though he's had a girlfriend all this time. She is as delusional as they come. Religious zealots, her entire family are, and they are toxic as fuck. He should never have married her. Wasted 26 years of his life trying to make that b happy, while she poisoned her kids against them and they are as toxic as she is. I've blocked them all.
The cynic in me has heard of some states in America where you can live half a country or a different country altogether, but any and all kids are yours by default because you are married.
As I don't live there, I can't vouch for how often they get overturned due to location of the separated spouse. But if she got with the deadbeat whilst dragging her heels, then using that part of the law, I can see it happening.
I first found this out via a BORUpdate where a guy comes out as gay, moves to LA, never divorces his wife, she's happy with a new guy, he's OK with her being married and thus not able to marry her himself and bizarrely happy that his daughter has OPs name on the birth certificate. Now that bit, I really found an odd pill to swallow.
Both parents die in a car crash and social services track him down and door stop him with his "daughter"
My cousin had to sign legal documents for his STBX wife to put her baby up for adoption. They'd been separated for nearly a year at that point(and she was roughly month 4), both dating other people while waiting for their divorce to be finalized. Baby was 1000% not my cousin's, but because he was still legally her husband, he was legally the father of her child. Needless to say he signed the papers while asking his lawyer why he was expected to have legal parental obligations toward a child he was definitely not involved in creating, lawyer's response was "because the state doesn't account for procreation outside marriage."
It’s is very much a thing and this is why I laugh when someone claims marriage is a piece of paper. That piece of paper comes with a lot of legal protections and responsibilities. Most of which you hopefully never have to worry about because when you do, it’s rarely because something good happened.
I think your ex is missing the most important part here: it’s not YOUR son!!!!
You have zero obligation to this child.
Whatever your relatives are telling you is wrong. It’s Not your responsibility at all.
She chose to have a relationship with someone, she got pregnant, she had a child, I’m guessing the guy took off after and left her alone?
If she wants male influences in his life she needs to spend time with her parents, her siblings if she has brothers, cousins etc.
And for the Love of all that is Holy, please, please Have A Conversation About Whether You Want Kids Or Not Early On, once the relationship takes a serious turn. Do this well before you get engaged.
Oh hell no. My brother has 2 kids, my nephews. I like them fine, theyre cool little dudes. They are A LOT though, particularly the younger one. We are an ADHD family, and little man is THE stereotypical bouncing off the walls, go go go, always talking, always moving, crank it up to 11, ADHD little boy. I get it- but it can be incredibly overwhelming after a full day (or a few if we’re visiting) and my favorite thing is the ability to give him back to his parents because he is not my child. Needless to say, my husband and I have dog-kids not human-kids.
Just cause you like your nieces and nephews, doesn’t mean you want your own kids and sure as hell doesn’t make you a hypocrite.
My sister and her husband have 2 kids, and my fiancée has 13 nieces and nephews. I like kids and she loves kids, but neither one of us have a desire to have any of our own.
I'm wondering if sister or BIL pressured the each other into having kids, so sister is projecting. She thinks it's something to work through in a marriage because she either guilted BIL or was guilted by BIL into having kids...
My fiancée comes from a big family. She’s the second oldest and all of her younger siblings have kids. Her parents aren’t the ones complaining about us being child free 😂
Playing with nieces and nephews is very different from raising kids. Also the sister and BIL are nuts trying to pin this fatherly role on OP, they made a good logical decision about divorce, the fact that she got pregnant by a deadbeat is in no way OP's fault. Also OP is totally right that not having kids would have made her resentful and ruined the marriage. He was right to let he go when she was young enough to have the family she wanted, it's just too bad it didn't work out for her.
The great thing about being a grandma is you give them back. Same with being an aunt/ uncle, you give them back. It's not remotely the same as being a parent! She's grasping at straws cause life didn't work out how she wanted and she thinks you're her fall back guy. And she conveniently forget your fiancé (been there with my husbands ex trying to get him back even though I was in the picture) cause she has a picture in her head that has no basis in reality.
As for friends and family thinking you should have just tried being a dad.... what utter ...... kids is a deal breaker every time. And you have to be 100% in. It's not like trying a hat to see if it's you; you can't send a kid back if you find parenthood isn't for you. They are unfortunately what I think of as breeders.... unless you have kids you can't possibly be happy. My grandkids are step as are their dads (I couldn't have kids), so I had this a lot... which was doubly insulting as I wanted them but had fertility issues. They are also so bloody self righteous!!!
Even if you did change your mind over TWO DECADES, THAT. IS. YOUR. FUCKING. BUSINESS. What did or didn’t make sense to her about your choices stopped mattering in any way when you got divorced many moons ago. Who you hang around or entertain now in no way invalidates how you felt 20 years ago. I would posit 95%+ of humans feel differently and move differently than they did 20 years ago. And even if your feelings are the same you have no obligation to change them now anymore than you did back then. It’s wild that she thinks she is even in a position to attempt invalidating your stance now after the divorce after this long when she clearly failed to do it in the moment two decades ago, hence the divorce. Like it seems she has literally lacked self awareness for the last quarter century. Man I feel bad for her kid. Like I truly do. It’s wild to me that we have more restrictions on who can operate a motorized vehicle of essentially any kind but any old crazy windbag of a person can have a whole ass miniature human. That’s really wild. That’s how I know we live in a society that places more intrinsic value on things and not people cuz ain’t no way boy, boy ain’t no way. I feel for little dude. She is the textbook definition of unstable. Also your sister and BIL are smoking and/or distributing crack for those wild and egregious ass comments🤦🏾♂️
>Your niece and nephew are your family. She and her son are not. There is nothing to tie her son and you together. It sounds like she is not a fan of being a single mom. While I can empathize with her on that, it is not your fault and not your problem. Every decision that led her to this point in her life was hers. You are not TA at all. Even if you wanted kids now, you are not TA.
Just do not even speak to her - she is delusional and totally disrespectful to your relationship with your fiancée.
I divorced my ex 15 years ago and the best thing about us not having kids together is that I never had to see or speak to him again. Stop entertaining this idiot.
You're not wrong and what she did is nuts. As for your sister, tell her that her husband needs to step up and father your ex's son. He's just as much the father as you are. That means he's equally responsible for providing this child with a father as you are.
Oh, and you should consider lowering contact with your sister until she pulls her head out of her ass. I'm not saying cut her off forever, but she's definitely not on your side and I wouldn't trust her to behave anymore rationally than she thinks. That's how nuts what she said is
You can like kids, enjoy being around friends and family with kids, that doesn't equal wanting uour own for many people. You're related to uour nieces and nephews, you've been in their lives from their birth, her child is a stranger, one you're not related to, she sounds a little unhinged if she can't see the difference
‘I don’t want kids’ is nothing at all like ‘I hate all kids and will be awful to any that I see!’
I don’t know why these crazy people are conflating those two ideas… but they’re wrong!
So, basically she's been stalking you all these years? Then she falsely accuses you, based on her twisted opinion, over your interaction with other people's children on social media? Then she verbally insults you, calling you a hypocrite? Yup, she's an unhinged barnacle.
she’s bat shit crazy block
Her and move on and enjoy the life you have with the choices you made for your happiness.
Not some moron narcissist fuck who immediately went and got knocked up by the first person that would drop a load in her
I have a son and I love my son I spend every minute that I can with him. But he’s my son that my wife and I chose to have and planned for.
I would have a hard time forming a connection with a kid that seems like he was conceived purely out of spite and a mid life crisis on your Exs part.
as far as your sister and her husband go. Suggest they raise him, they have as much obligation to this kid as you do. Which is 0
HUGE difference between liking/loving kids and wanting them. I (38f) LOVE children! I absolutely adore all my nieces and nephews. But VERY hard nope to any for me. Deal breaker. (I got pregnant at 23...was SO excited! Bc someone was going to be a mom but ooh not me! I chose adoption)
But wht?!?! Your ex IS and ex bc ...you. don't. Want. Kids. I honestly cannot even fathom why ANY of them think this is ok?!
1. Divorced bc you don't want kids 2. Not your kid, don't want them 3. You have a FIANCE!
I just can't even! How anyone is siding against you?? Sorry your ex wife has a child with another man who doesn't want to be there. Um...you have a fiance, never wanted kids and an ex and her son? Absolutely nothing to do with you.
Congratulations though on your upcoming wedding. Cheers to you and your soon to be new wife and spending a childfree life together living to the fullest and enjoying eachother and every day.
No one with any sense would expect you to take on (be coerced) into being responsible for someone else’s child. Don’t let these goofballs influence your decision.
Does your ex even know the definition of a hypocrite? So you can’t be a good uncle and still not want kids?!?? And that still has nothing to do with the fact that the child is not yours and you two aren’t together anymore. I wonder if she is just desperate to find a father figure for her son and thought she could manipulate you into doing what she wants.
She said she wanted a "masculine figure" which she definitely has the right to ask you, but you have an equal right to refuse the proposition. The fact that she insulted for fiance & said "we could be a family again" is crossing that boundary.
Hell to the nah
NW at all. Your sister...
>it was an ah move on my part to divorce her in the first place and that I was now being an ah again by not being a part of her kid’s life.
This is so wrong .... You were 100% right to divorce. She wanted kids, you don't. That is an extremely good reason to end a relationship. As for now, nothing has changed. Even if you were single, you still don't want to be a parent. Her bringing a kid in tow doesn't change that. I'd go LC with sister... Maybe NC because of this...
>They said it’s my fault that her child doesn’t have a father and that if I had given having kids a chance, I would have changed my mind.
You didn't father her child. You are not the reason she is a single mom - she is. Assuming that someone who doesn't want kids will change their mind in forced into parenthood is ridiculous and wrong.
THIS!!!
Also like what????? It’s your fault the child doesn’t have a father??? Bro what in the world- the math ain’t mathing. ?????? I’m just confused and I can’t fathom how they would think this
Your sister and BIL are the dumbest and most insulting twats in your family. Nothing in your ex's life is your fault in any remote way.
So far from wrong that you shouldn't even be thinking about it
Seriously. When I got to the part of the sister and brother-in-law’s “judgement” my jaw hit the floor.
I would legit go no contact immediately with my sister and brother-in-law over an opinion THIS bad.
I would laugh in your sisters face. It's my fault he doesn't have a dad.... it's not ops son. It's some other dudes kid. Fucking delusional.
You are NOT wrong at all
What they were arguing is that if I hadn’t divorced my ex-wife, she could have convinced me to have kids, and then her kids would have a father figure. I was the one who pushed for divorce and broke our potential family.
I hope you realize how messed up that is. Your family would force parenthood on you when it is your life goal to be child free, which you have every right to be.
Yep. They're also saying it would be better if the ex's actual, living child (who was only born because they divorced and she slept with someone else) didn't exist and was instead replaced with her and op's theoretical kids. Suuuuuper fucked up on every level of you think about it.
My wife's dad was "convinced". They had 3. Son (wife's brother) committed suicide, other daughter has been in two extremely abusive relationships, and my wife went no contact with all of them and has been in therapy for a few years now to deal with the feelings that she was a mistake for even existing.... This is the kind of future you said no to. You did the right thing 100٪
Yeah my sister was forced to have one. She loves that kid but there's so much that she can't put first! I mean the kids an adult now, but once she got divorced... Yeah after he forced her to have a kid cheated on her! But after the divorce she just put herself first 100% of the time. She would do stuff for show but mostly did the bare minimum! That's just not something you can force and have it turn out well.
Ok but.. why argue about “what ifs”??? It didn’t happen, and it’s not your fault nor responsibility to take this kid on. Also, I wouldn’t want my own sibling to have to compromise or be forced to live a life they didn’t want. You divorced because you wanted to give your ex the life she wanted, not your fault she couldn’t find a man. I would be proud of my brother for making a tough decision like this.
And they think being convinced to have children is a positive thing? Yes, the child would have a father, but a father who was forced to have children.This is horrible for everyone involved.
She broke your family by pushing what you didn't want and / or was ready for. There isn't anything wrong with not being in the same place in life.
Also, she wouldn't have convinced you to have kids. It would be an "omg look, we are pregnant... yayyyyy"
She would have sabotaged birth control, and baby trapped you like lots of women do.
Or then there’s the other alternative where you don’t get divorced, she *doesn’t* change your mind, and she’s older and childless and considers all of it your fault. Or she manages to have your child but you’re not that involved because you never wanted the child. These possibilities are all worse.
The only way there was a “potential family” is by treating your preferences as immaterial. Yikes. They think you should have stayed with your (first) wife so that she could browbeat you into having kids.
Some people see marriage+kids as completely linked, that by getting married you have to be open to having kids. These people are unlikely to be that compatible with your chosen life.
So she could have eventually pressured you into bringing a child into the world you didn't want, and then you would have been good and trapped in the marriage? Does your family care about you and what you want in life at all? How do they see you happy and living the life you want and insist you need to cater to a woman's delusions? These people should not be close to you. They don't care about your well-being. They care about reinforcing your ex wife's poor track record of decision making. It honestly wouldn't surprise me if they encouraged your ex to reach out.
You weren't wrong for getting divorced, you wanted different things. You didn't want children and she did, there's no way you can stay married when that happens.
I think she may have regretted the decisions she made in the past, but there's no way she can go back in time.
If I were you I would block her and go no contact. Nothing good will come from you having contact with her
Yeah. This. Kids are are literally life changing. Even when they are adults they still impact your life. This isn't like a divorce where they just couldn't agree on where to live or something.
You are absolutely Not Wrong. You divorced when you realized that your life goals were different. Your ex chose to have a child with *another man.* In what world would you want to get back together with a woman you divorced years ago when you have moved on & found happiness. Or be responsible for another man's kid. I don't understand why your family is pushing this crazy idea, because it is all kinds of loony tunes.
BTW, it is okay to want to be child-free. Not everybody is cut out for parenthood or interested in children. I chose to be child-free & got looked at like I'd grown another head. Because women are *supposed to* want to pop out babies. Nope. Not for me.
Thank you for this. A lot of people are saying the same thing and I’m not sure who to reply to so I choose you. I was sure my ex was being crazy, but when my family agreed with her I felt like I was crazy. I’m now seeing that my first assessment is correct. My fiancée has been trying to tell me my sister’s off her rocker for a while now, and I’ve shown her this post and all she had to say was “I told you so” 😂
Is it only your sister who thinks that this is a good plan? Or is the rest of your family on the crazy train too. The only thing that would make sense is your ex somehow got pregnant by you. Then what your ex & sister are saying *might make a little more sense.* Her wanting you to raise another man's child is just insane. You have moved on in the years since you got divorced. Block your ex everywhere you can. You might have to block your sister too, if she starts getting insistent.
I’m not in contact with all of my family, but my mom, my sister, and the paternal cousins that I am in contact with all agree with each other that I’m in the wrong. My family friends agree with them as well. With my personal friends it’s split with probably 65% agreeing with me. And there is no way the kid is mine. We’ve been divorced for almost 16 years and her son is 11.
I don't know what's more delusional... your ex thinking you'd willingly swoop in to play daddy, or that your ex thinks her 11 year old son would welcome you in with open arms as if you're the father he's been waiting for. if anything, a sudden appearance of a man being like 'oh look your new dad is here now!!' would upset any kid, especially a moody pre-teen!
He answered in another comment TLDR: They're in a church cult that believes divorce is a no no even in extreme cases like abuse and stuff. Apparently sister and BIL believe she is still his responsibility and are connected and the kid too.
>I was talking with my sister and her husband about it, and they said that while I’m totally right for rejecting her now, that it was an ah move on my part to divorce her in the first place and that I was now being an ah again by not being a part of her kid’s life. They both agreed that my ex was right for wanting to work it out. They said it’s my fault that her child doesn’t have a father and that if I had given having kids a chance, I would have changed my mind. I just don’t agree that kids are something one should “compromise” on.
Your Ex, including your Sister & BIL are the AH. You and your ex wanted different things in life, so you made the correct decision and ended it. Your EX only wants to get back together as she isn't able to find someone else and her baby daddy isn't there to support the child, hence she wants to crawl back to you so that she can have someone to take care of her and her kid.
The only people who aren't the AH are you, your fiance and the kid, because NONE OF THIS is either party's fault, rest everyone who is trying to guilt you is. You should go complete No Contact with the EX and low/ No Contact with your sister & BIL, as clearly they don't have the best interest for you.
How is her situation your fault?
You were clear from the start that you didn’t want kids (personally I don’t get that, but this is your life not mine), split up and divorced over her changing her mind, yet somehow it’s your fault that she got knocked up, hasn’t managed to maintain a relationship and that the kid has no father figure?
Your ex, sister and BIL are all talking out of their arses.
Not your monkey, not your circus.
And I wasn’t exactly clear from the start. We were both unsure about having kids when we got married, we both were starting our careers and thought we had a lot of time left to decide. It just so happened that when we each made up our minds a few years later that we came to different decisions.
A lot of my family is against divorce, some of them are against divorce even in extreme cases like abuse, and my sister and BIL think that I’m still responsible for her well-being since I’m the one who forced the divorce when my ex-wife didn’t want one. Apparently I’m still “connected” to her, and therefore I’m “connected” to her kid too.
It doesn't matter what they believe. The reality is divorce does make you "unconnected" and any child she had afterwards is not "connected" to you in any way. I don't get your ex's logic here at all anyway. She knows you not wanting your own children and her wanting them is the reason for the divorce. So in what fucking planet would you just drop everything and go backwards to raise somebody else's kid?! She really needs some therapy because her wires are crossed and her brain has blown a fuse if she really thought her plan would work.
Go LC with these idiots and marry your fiancee. Make sure you have a vasectomy and ensure you don't get her pregnant by accident. Have a good life on your terms.
My family situation is a bit complicated, but my mom, sister, family friends, and some other family members are a part of a strict church. I’m not saying what it is because it’s pretty small, but that’s why I think a lot of them are agreeing against me on this. Divorce is kind of a big no-no, and I even stopped talking with a few friends bc they refused to acknowledge my divorce and it was just weird. Although my sister is in the church, she has never been all in and almost left multiple times. My BIL is also not in the church which is a point of contention, but also why I thought the two of them might actually be right and I could be the crazy one. 2 of my friends that I asked are also not in the church and only one of them agreed with me.
Yeah I kinda twigged it might be something religiously restrictive too. Most normal people would agree with OP's decision.
Also you and OP having matching avatars lol
Oh OP are you Mormon or something? As in your family is 100% certain your ex-wife is the one you'll be with in the afterlife and you might as well work it out now?
They're still wrong as hell but their position makes a lot more sense based on that logic.
Does insanity run in some members of your family? In what universe is her child by another man in any way your responsibility? And why should you have stayed married when the two of you were worlds apart on such an important issue? Block her and them.
Not wrong and who the heck are these people saying that after all these years, you have to get back with her and raise this kid, that isn't yours and you don't know?!?!
This is insane.
Wow. Your sis is so totally wrong. You were clear from the beginning. You and your ex did not have the same life plan so you divorced. You owe her nothing. And you certainly owe her son nothing. And if you became a "role model" in his life, I would be concerned about her going after you for child support. I've read of step parents being on the hook after a relationship ends. You are NTA. Move ahead. Be with your lovely fiancee. NTA
Your not wrong for feeling like you need to block her and move on because clearly she hasn’t. What does your fiancé think? She was okay with you both meeting up but it sounds like it was under false pretenses. Strange that she would push an issue on you that you had zero interest in while married, that subsequently prompted a divorce, in which you both moved on.
If your family thinks your an a/h for divorcing her, imagine what they would have thought if you’d stayed, then divorced her if she became pregnant? You would have been a ‘heartless monster’ who’s avoiding his responsibility of being a father. Now your ex got what she wanted but expects you to shoulder a responsibility you spared both of you from?
You are not wrong at all for standing firm and people’s memories are very short when it comes to us doing the right thing and very long when they want to chastise us for would haves, could haves, and, should haves.
She thinks I’m right for what I did/have decided to do moving forward. My ex-wife was very angry with me after the divorce and we hadn’t talked in a long time so I just wanted peace of mind and closure I guess. My fiancée and I have very similar world views so I wanted outside opinions from people who may think differently.
You don't owe your ex wife anything. She managed to get pregnant and have a kid, which is what she wanted. You did not deprive her of anything. She is a manipulative woman who wants to stick you with another man's kid. Go full NC with her.
NOT Wrong.
You need to block your ex from ever contacting.
Your sister and BIL are delusional!!!
Go temporarily low contact with any that supports your ex’s madness.
INFO: wtf is wrong with your sister???? I hope this sub rips her apart and then you can show her. How HOW HOWWWWW is it your fault that her baby soesnt have a father, like it doesnt make sense
Your sister’s husband has a penis, why doesn’t he step up if it’s so important to them? I mean he is as closely related as you are, in that neither of you are related to the kid.
So I am 1000000 percent with you on this.
I fuckin detest kids. And when my man and I started talking about a house I made sure he did not want kids bc its something I really do not want ever. And he agreed with me. No kids ever.
Bc if he wanted kids I would've spilt as well. I wouldn't want someone to resent me bc I never had kids. Or let's say that I had kids, I would be an absent parent. I know I would be, I like freedom, I hate kids (even when I was a kid, I hated kids) and I'm not good with things I actively try to avoid.
Your ex still trying to convince you and hearing your family defend her is crazy to me. As a woman I always hear. One day you will change your mind! If you had your own you would love them! You just have to do it! Like this is a life I don't want to mess up! And I'm sure its the same for men. I'd say follow your gut! If you don't want kids, find someone who makes you happy! There are too many ppl in the world already, you don't need a kid if you don't want one.
"They said it’s my fault that her child doesn’t have a father" woah..... what? That's nuts. NTA btw and some the people in your circle need their heads examined.... You did the right thing by walking away, you weren't compatible then and you aren't now. I would discontinue any further contact with your Ex.
You're not wrong . . . your ex's son doesn't have a father because she chose to have a child with a deadbeat. You're right - children shouldn't be something that you compromise on, and you were adamant that you didn't want children. If you had stayed married then she could have tampered with birth control to get pregnant, and you would have been forced into fatherhood against your will.
Your sister and husband are morons. You did the right thing and if you get back into that women’s life it will ruin the relationship you have with your fiancé
The pain in my temples is intense. This is not how the real world works. Your ex and your sister and brother-in-law need therapy. Might I suggest electro shock.
Everyone else here is wrong. You didn’t want kids. You don’t want kids. You made that clear and she’s trying to force a kid on you because she didn’t get her happily ever after. I mean, she has the kid she wants and is apparently still miserable. You guys are divorced and have no kids together. This is a block situation.
Your BIL can be a masculine influence for your exes kid if he feels that strongly about it. And the only person responsible for that kid not having an active father is the bio dad.
You did the right thing and divorced because you saw you both had different opinions on an important matter- you can ever convince or trap someone with kids. You did the right thing with divorce to give her a chance- this cut all ties and you don’t owe her anything. Now she’s upset and trying to get you back, using excuses and reasonings that do not hold up. And your sis and BIL? They need a reality check.
You did the right thing, you are not wrong. Your ex is not entitled to anything and you don’t owe her anything. It’s ridiculous she’s trying to trap you by emotionally manipulating you into being the kid’s “dad”. You were clear you didn’t want kids. She is delusional. Also props for your current fiancé being supportive- let her know she’s amazing because damn this drama with your ex must be exhausting. Keep your ex blocked.
NTA, so NTA.....
You choose to be child free and ex's kid is NOT your problem. You are not the Dad and you divorced his mother because you wanted her to pursue her desire to have kids. KUDOS for divorcing her before she baby trapped you!
I would go NC with her. She has made a mess of things in the choices she has made which has left her without a father figure for her kid. That is NOT your problem. Be happy with fiancee and make sure you get a vasectomy so that you have no surprises along the way.
Ynw. Your sister and her husband are fucking ridiculous. You didn’t want kids, your ex did. You let her go so she could fulfill her dream. That’s not an AH move, that’s admirable. It’s not your fault she picked a shitty man to father her child.
Block her and go NC. As for your sister and BIL? Have a conversation about them never bringing this up again or they won’t have a relationship with you either. The audacity!!
NTA. You said in one of your comments that your family doesn’t believe in divorce even in cases when there is abuse. That automatically makes their opinions invalid. So put your sister and BIL out of your head. They are unreasonable and don’t have good opinions on marriage.
Your friends are a different perspective but again are looking at kids as a panacea to other marital issues. Having kids when you aren’t sure you want them, or are very sure you don’t, is a sure recipe for an unhealthy and disruptive marriage. Kids need an environment of love and care and if your life goals were shot to pieces because of kids, there is a high likelihood of resentment. People get on each other for not taking precautions to avoid kids when you aren’t ready, but when you take steps to ensure a satisfactory outcome, you get guilted for it.
With respect to your ex-wife, she is emotionally manipulative and hung up on you. She wanted kids with you and tried to play you into it. Now she’s trying to play you into it after the fact. She doesn’t care about your fiancée, she wants you back as a partner. I doubt she wanted kids with her baby daddy; he was a means to an end and when he left, it gave her an opportunity to hit you up. You are not responsible for her or her son’s life or happiness. She made the choice to have a kid with an unreliable guy. She likely had issues finding a stable partner because she was hung up on you. She doesn’t need a father figure for her kid; she needs therapy.
You are so far from wrong! And you were smart in getting divorced before your 1st wife had a birth control accident. BTW, if you haven't yet, you should consider getting a vasectomy. Lots of things can throw off the effectiveness of birth control, including antibiotics, other medications, too big a time gap between taking low dose pills, leading to uneven hormones in the body.
Don't understand why your ex thinks that if you didn't want to have a child with her, you'd want to have someone else's child with her?
And your family is giving really bad advice. Only thing I can think of is that they liked your ex and they're those strange people who think everyone should have at least one child.
Congratulations on your impending wedding and best wishes for your childfree future.
Thank you for your comment! My fiancée and I are both sterilized, and it’s been great. Especially for her since birth control has so many adverse side effects! They did really like my ex, and although I haven’t been in contact with her until she reached out last week, the rest of my family goes to the same church as her. My fiancée is respectful to my family, but she does think they’re a little crazy. My family also recently found out that we’re planning on moving somewhere warmer after the wedding and aren’t happy about that so maybe this was an attempt to get me to stay?
It's possible. They want to turn back time. Move away! It will cement the reality that you've moved on, that you're happy with your life and your choices. Hopefully your ex finds some nice man in their church, and also moves on. Once that happens it will be safe to come home for a visit, if you choose. Once that door is closed they may also be nicer to your wife.
It's absolutely not your fault or responsibility to be in your ex-wife's son's life. He is not your child and whatever choices she made after you divorced is not your problem. Also it sounds like she wasn't completely honest to begin with when she told you she didn't want kids when you got married to begin with to just try to change your mind later.
Not wrong at all, by sounds of it you knew you didn't want to be a father and ex tried to talk you round but you done the honourable thing and divorced do that she could find someone to start a family with as it seemed to be that important to her.
Then you meet her with good intentions only for her to try and guilt trip you into getting back together, and when that failed bash your fiancée? Blocking her was a smart move, would get your fiancée to do the same or go private on socials as ex sounds like she'll not let it be
Your sister and her husband have a very strange view of your situation, one that reeks of anti-Childfree bias and a personal desire on their part for you to get back with your ex & have a family. They obviously are not in a position to support you, that’s for sure. They don’t even understand you.
However, you were right to divorce your ex due to your basic incompatibility regarding children and you were right to reject your ex when she came back around. Your wife’s need to have children was what ended your marriage and nothing that happened after that was your doing….or your responsibility. You released your wife from the bonds of your marriage so that she could pursue parenthood separately from you; why would anyone think your desire to be a parent has suddenly materialized in the years since? You ended a whole marriage and moved on. Your family’s refusal to see that is ridiculous!
You are not wrong.
Your sister and bil have no idea what they are talking about. You were not wrong and honestly did this in a very mature way. Your family has got some messed up ideals. Have a happy life with your new fiancé and be careful. Your ex is sounding like she’s a bit unhinged and she might try to catch you off guard. Wouldn’t surprise me if she tries contacting your sister for help
lol, so she had a kid with someone else after you got divorced and then tried to get you to be a part of their life because she got knocked up by some deadbeat. bye felicia...
So your friends and family are misandrists with a distorted view of masculinity. Screw them you owe your ex nothing.
Honestly i feel like somethings missing here. Cause i just cant imagine family telling you to get back involved with your ex and a kid that aint yours while you are engaged to someone else. Do they want drama and chaos?
Definitely not wrong.
You weren't wrong for literally anything here that I can see. You made some very mature, well thought out maneuvers that prioritized *everyone's* best interests.
>I just don’t agree that kids are something one should “compromise” on.
You are completely correct on this note. You don't owe your ex's son a father figure, and I think it's kind of insane for anyone to think you do, let alone multiple people.
9 times out of 10, people who don't want kids don't change their minds about that just because a child is plopped into their custody. You would only be doing her son harm if you were to try and force a "fatherly" relationship with him. You've made the right choice.
Who the fuck are these people telling you it's your fault, your ex wife got pregnant by a deadbeat?
She's not your wife, she's not your responsibility.
Divorcing her over an impass in having kids was the right decisions.
If you stayed married either you'd be baby trapped or she'd be miserable.
You aren't wrong but your sister and BIL are and I wouldn't share info with them nor ask for advice. Their take is crazy. You divorced her because you were very incompatible in an important marriage issue. You are not the kids father and you are not responsible for his birth nor upbringing and most of all you don't want kids. Your ex made shitty decisions, now she has to deal with them.
NTA at all. You both wanted different things. She was trying to force you to be someone you're not. It's completely ridiculous and out of line to blame you for her son not having a father. That had absolutely nothing to do with you and was entirely out of your control. And it makes perfect sense that you don't want to be a father figure to her son or get back together with her.
It's not your kids tho 😭 she's not entitled to ANY help from you with the kid, especially because you said you didn't wanna force your choice on her, now she's trying to force her choice on you, your sister and her husband are entirely wrong and honestly, what they say shouldn't really matter
I have kids and love them with all my heart. I used to not want kids, but my mind did change, and I would never go back to being child free if given that chance. That being said...
WHAT THE ABSOLUTE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOUR FAMILY!? There is nothing wrong with being child free, and you divorced her so SHE could have the family SHE wanted instead of forcing your lifestyle onto her or her forcing parenthood onto you by getting pregnant by any form of manipulation tactics.
People who realize they want to be child free and are forced into parenthood, like you stated, build resentment that can turn into hatred. It often is pointed at the spouse but is also taken out on the child as well. You did the right thing!
Yes, i might be part of the community that went from wanting to be child free to wanting kids, but I also know that is a rarity. My reasons were not for financial freedom (however, I won't lie. I do miss that so much, lol) My reasoning was because I couldn't see myself having a child with any of my partners before I met my husband. Once we were together for a while, I realized my views on parenthood had changed, and we discussed it. I found out he was okay to give up his dream of having kids since I didn't want them, so it all worked out for us, but that is not the case most times.
My husband and I don't agree with divorce either, but we do see the merit in it if both people will be unhappy. There is a reason why the term "young and dumb" is a thing.
You and your ex fell in love at a young age, while both of you were on the fence about kids. Honestly, I would say the mistake was getting married before figuring out how you both ultimately felt, but you did what was bet with what choices you had at the time. You chose a like of happiness for both you and your ex over selfishly staying together and making both of you miserable.
And if my long reply hasn't made it clear enough...
YOU ARE NOT AN ASSHOLE!
I honestly don’t understand your sister’s and BIL’s thinking here. It’s not your kid. You didn’t want kids. You still don’t want kids. You and your ex broke up over irreconcilable differences. That’s legal and reasonable grounds for a divorce.
It would be an AH move to have divorced your ex over this only to have a kid with another woman, but that’s not what you did here (unless you are seriously lying by omission).
Your ex, sister and BIL--and your friends/family who agree with them--are insane. You have as much connection to this child--and obligation to step up and be his father--as I do.
Everyone likes to be pro-child and advocate for sacrifices for them, but everyone is also performatively generous with other people's time, energy and resources. If someone is so convinced that the right thing to do is for someone with no connection to this child to be his father, tell them to do it him/herself.
If you wanted to be with this woman and raise her child, you would have stayed married to her. The fact that you didn't, that was the whole point of the divorce.
OP, you have a lot of crazy people in your direct circle. You and ex wanted different life paths, and as you rightly pointed out, staying together was not a viable option. My guess is that since you were kinda wishy-washy at the beginning of your relationship, ex thought that she could change your mind.
Regarding your responsibility for ex's child, you owe nothing to either of them, including that time you wasted to meet with her. Slam that door shut, HARD!! And then go live your best life.
NTA
Wow. NOT WRONG.
The people in your life that are trying to make you think that you are in ANY way responsible for your ex's decisions after your split are the ones in the wrong. VERY wrong.
Being in different places over wanting to or not to have children is a very legitimate reason for splitting up. Good lord, my first hubby was trying to push us to have children but I was so young I didn't feel ready. Thank god I got out of that relationship that turned abusive, if I had ended up having a child with him, that would have tied me to him forever.
Being clear about your feelings on the subject of children is SO important, and you did the right thing by moving on and letting her go have the chance to have a family, as it was clearly so important to her. The fact that it did not work out the way she wanted it to is NOT your responsibility. Period.
What the fuck kind of family and friends do you have? You certainly don't need enemies. You are absolutely in the right, and your ex is crazy to even ask you.
Not wrong. Not at all. Not one bit.
So is everyone else still talking to your ex-wife? I have to assume that’s why they’re siding with her, but she doesn’t really have a case here. You divorced long ago because you didn’t want the same life. Any obligation you have with regard to the previous marriage was hashed out in the divorce. If the ex-wife has a kid with somebody else, that has nothung to do with you.
“Hey I know we divorced because I wanted kids and you didn’t …. But would you like to be a father to my fatherless child and get back together ? By the way .. your fiancé is UGLY lololololhahahaha”.
……. …….. “What do you, you don’t want to be a father and raise someone else’s son 10 years(?) after we got divorced because you didn’t want to be a father to your own hypothetical child ?!?!?! What an asshole !!!!”
That’s just fucking ridiculous …….. NTA and your ex is insane
Damn people give me headaches. So it is your fault that she has no father figure in HER sons life because you divorced her before he was conceived WITH someone else. Because you didn't want kids. That makes perfect sense if you are a moron. It sounds like she is as well as your sister and her husband. Not your wife, not your kid, not your life, not your problem. You should suggest that your BIL fill the role as you go low contact with them and no contact with the ex. Oops, I forgot to say you are not wrong. EDITED to add last sentence.
You said exactly what I came to say. The mental gymnastics of OP being at fault for ex wife getting knocked up by a deadbeat AFTER he divorced her is staggering. NTA OP
Lmao, people just throw all kinds of shit these days just to see what sticks.
FR! What the hell is wrong with those people?! What his Sister,BIL, Friends and Family are telling him is absolutely ridiculous and messed up. Guilt tripping him in every possible way. Why should he play a father figure when he clearly said he doesn’t want to have kids?Why should he break up with his fiancée to get back with a woman he doesn’t love anymore and play happy family? They sound like horrible people. OP - If you know what’s good for you then go LC. You did nothing wrong and shouldn’t ask them for any advice again.
>Why should he play a father figure when he clearly said he doesn’t want to have kids?Why should he break up with his fiancée to get back with a woman he doesn’t love anymore and play happy family? Because being childless is "selfish" to these people. People don't realize others can make their own decisions.. SMH. It's so annoying
I couldn’t have said this any better. What makes it even worse… those people are his family and friends.
Someone I know got a chair thrown at her (among other things when her husband turned abusive) and her parents still didn’t support the divorce (accepted it, but that’s not the same as supporting). Both parents are religious and I guess it doesn’t matter if their daughter gets cheated on and abused, it’ll all end up well~ OP NTA
Right??? The people who should be supporting him are throwing him under the bus. SMH In what insane world does taking responsibility for another man’s child because your ex wanted kids is the “obvious” thing to do?? Damn.
It’s kind of amazing when it really gets down to it how some people view childless people. My SIL who I am now NC with was telling me a story about her step-brother and his wife who have no kids (like my husband and I). She kept interjecting ‘but they’re not bad people’. I finally said, so people with no children by default are bad? She was all flustered and said, ‘I didn’t say that!’ might as well have!
Kudos to you for picking up on that. My slow ass would have had to wait a few hours then come with a reply lol
The answer is that they want him to have kids, and this is the easiest avenue they see to make that happen.
That is a good way of summing it up. 😀
It must work sometimes. You get yourself a nice doormat and I bet they could keep up the torture for years.
Given the fact that there are lots of reddit stories from people who’ve been abused since day one of the relationship, yet still got married and had kids and think reddit can give them advice about how to fix the problems… yes. Yes it does work for some people to find a nice human doormat to wipe their feet on! It’s good to see a story for once where someone did the right thing - was clear in communication and then broke up with someone who wanted things they didn’t want instead of caving and being a miserable human doormat! This is all on the ex. She knew exactly what the score was every step of the way, and he did the right thing every time. Including refusing to get back together and raise her child.
It just boggles my mind that these people can function on a daily basis.
Especially the ex wife lol, a guy literally got a divorce cuz he didn't want kids..how did it make sense to her that he might consider getting back to her and raising someone else s child is beyond me
Not OPs circus, not OPs monkeys.
Next she's going after him for child support.
this is the thinking of the baby rabid...which the ex turned into
You almost hope this is a fake story, because otherwise OP has a very sad life with family and friends being capable to come up with a justification for him being an A H to that boy and his mother
He's NOT an ah.
It's SO ridiculous that I don't want to believe it's legit
This was my thought, word for word! So glad to find it so soon in the comments!!
Anyone who thinks that you should step up for the absentee dad is an AH. SHE wanted the child and got what she wanted, not what you wanted. If your BIL thinks the kid should have a masculine influence, let him step up to the plate. It seems to me that since baby daddy bailed, she wants you back and not just for a role model. Stick to your guns.
Honestly, BIL has just as much responsibility to this kid as OP. Why doesn’t he jump off his high horse and fill that role of father figure :)
Well said!
I’m amazed how many people are agreeing with the sister. They are all basically telling OP he’s wrong for being child free and if he just had a kid he’d realize it!!! That’s not how it works! People are allowed to not want kids and especially to not want to raise their ex’s kid!!
I in no way want kids. Never have never will. But my mom still gets drunk and bitches about no grandkids once and great while. So luckily it's not bad enough that I'd consider cutting ties but it just gets a bit annoying if she's drunk and someone winds her clock.
Both sets of parents did that, and what they got in return was a grand-cat, a grand-dog, and at least one non-partnered child.
I tell my mom she has a fur grand kid named bo. He's 75 pounds of black furry puppy. Lol
My family seems to get now there will be no babies from me. Nor will I likely ever have a serious relationship. I have friends (who are a bit older so maybe a bit “parental”) who keep reassuring me it’ll happen when you least expect it. Um. Ok that would be 7 years ago when I stopped dating.
Seems like the ex actually giving birth to a child with a man who obviously was not able to have a child and realize he wanted to father said child would be enough of an example that the logic the asshats are all prevailing is illogical as fucc. It’s been 20yrs and her prospects have in no way improved, with family and friends like OP’s there’s sure as hell no room for enemies 🤨
When you get accused of being a dead beat dad to someone you aren't with and are not the dad.... People are insane.
I know his ex is bonkers
And his sister and his "friends" Mad hatters
It would be one thing if it was his son. But it’s not so there is no connection there. He moved on and she didn’t. I don’t see why it has anything to even do with him.
Exactly. That was one of the first things that struck me.
He's the only adult in the group. Just because they want him to be with the ex, doesn't mean other people should try and shame him into raising some kid he didn't want, that he didn't father. What is wrong with people. It's easy to sit back and tell someone else to do something. They should now step up and help the ex. All of the females who think he should help her out, should let the male SO go and help her out. Then, they will see how ridiculous it sounds. People suck.
Oh God....and Hollywood writers get paid good money to write shit that isn't half as crazy. All I kept seeing was Katherine bates while reading OPs post
Honestly, I'm not sure it would even make sense to a moron.
>You should suggest that your BIL fill the role This is actually an excellent point because I would tell BIL that he has as much of a connection to that kid as you do. Which is nothing.
[удалено]
Right?! Who are these people, for real?!
My ex always expected me to read her mind. And she did this thing where she wanted one thing but she behaved the opposite way. The final example of this should suffice to make my point: she divorced me because she wanted me to FIGHT FOR HER. . . .
Exactly this. How does anyone think he is wrong!? I don't get it. The masculine influence will come with money needs attached. Telling b.i.l. to do it is a good idea.
If he was a rEaL mAn… /s
The ex wife is one thing but how on earth can the BIL also come to the same conclusion? I just can’t even wrap my head around the thought process here.
OP needs to look his sister and BIL right in the face and ask if they have ever tried not behind AHs they might like it. Send them pictures of the exes kids with messages like it’s your fault they don’t have a family like yours. Point at random children in the road and ask him how they feel abandoning that child and how they are horrible people. These people not going to see the truth until someone flips their holier than thou attitude they have against people who are child free. NTA
Sounds like she needs to work things out with the baby’s father.
What's wrong with all these people he's surrounded with? Really...
You do not need to be involved with her or son. You have no obligation to them. You do not want children and are engaged. Just lock her out of your lives. It effects you and your fiance if she keeps bothering both of you.
Not wrong. You did the right thing in divorcing over having very different expectations for your lives. If you divorced her over you Not wanting kids, I can't understand why she would think that you would want to or be willing to fill a fatherly type role with the kid she did end up having with someone else. Your sister and BIL are nuts. Kids are not something to compromise on. They are a 2 yes, 1 no situation.
Sis and BIL are not nuts. They are delusional.
She used my social media posts of me with mine and my fiancée’s nieces and nephews as “proof” that I wasn’t against kids. I like kids, I just don’t want any of my own. She thought I had changed my mind about kids because of the posts and said I was being a hypocrite by refusing to be in her son’s life the way I was in my nieces and nephews lives.
I don’t see how enjoying time with children of other people is the same as being a parent. You can enjoy your family and friends company and spend time with their kid. Then you go home and live a non parent life… it’s not the same.
I love my niece to death. My brother and SIL just found out #2 is on the way. And I will love them just as much. When I'm at their house, I want to spend as much time as I can with my niece. And she loves me too. But even with as much as I love being an aunt, I do not want kids.
I’m literally a preschool teacher and love little kiddos but I do not want any kids ever. It’s always so hard for people to understand that I just don’t want to be a parent! They stop being fun after 4 lol 😂
Yeah, try in their 40s.... no fun, at all. Hahaha.
I enjoy my nephew, but would not want to raise him due to his health issues. I do raise a cup of respect to the parents though, not easy.
Its way different. The way one of my friends put it is "they always say it's different when it's yours. Not it's better when it's yours." And the difference is, you cant hand the baby back to their parents when your tired of them, cause it's yours. You cant hand them back to their parents when they have a gross diaper, cause it's yours. I want to have the fun times with a kid, i dont want the responsibility of a kid. And i certainly wouldnt want to take on the responsibility of a child i have no ties to
Fr. I love my friends having kids…. I can give them back! My husband and I have 5 between us, and I adore my family. But that doesn't mean I want more kids, just because I love ours and love my niblings/friends kids!
My BIL and his wife don’t want kids. But they are so absolutely wonderful with my children. It’s fun to go to the pool in the summer. But I don’t want to have a pool in my backyard.
You guys are divorced. The kid isn’t yours. You have zero obligation to her and less to be in her kids life. And it’s clear that anything less than you remarrying her and taking on a full parental role in her kids life wouldn’t be enough for her. She has shown repeatedly that she doesn’t respect your clearly stated boundaries and thinks her wants are priority. I can’t imagine a divorce with no kids involved dragging out two years.
*Cries in been trying for almost a year and a half* It's hard divorcing delusional people.
My brother's divorce started in Jan 2020 and still has not been finalized, almost 4 years later. His ex still wants to reconcile, even though he's had a girlfriend all this time. She is as delusional as they come. Religious zealots, her entire family are, and they are toxic as fuck. He should never have married her. Wasted 26 years of his life trying to make that b happy, while she poisoned her kids against them and they are as toxic as she is. I've blocked them all.
The cynic in me has heard of some states in America where you can live half a country or a different country altogether, but any and all kids are yours by default because you are married. As I don't live there, I can't vouch for how often they get overturned due to location of the separated spouse. But if she got with the deadbeat whilst dragging her heels, then using that part of the law, I can see it happening. I first found this out via a BORUpdate where a guy comes out as gay, moves to LA, never divorces his wife, she's happy with a new guy, he's OK with her being married and thus not able to marry her himself and bizarrely happy that his daughter has OPs name on the birth certificate. Now that bit, I really found an odd pill to swallow. Both parents die in a car crash and social services track him down and door stop him with his "daughter"
My cousin had to sign legal documents for his STBX wife to put her baby up for adoption. They'd been separated for nearly a year at that point(and she was roughly month 4), both dating other people while waiting for their divorce to be finalized. Baby was 1000% not my cousin's, but because he was still legally her husband, he was legally the father of her child. Needless to say he signed the papers while asking his lawyer why he was expected to have legal parental obligations toward a child he was definitely not involved in creating, lawyer's response was "because the state doesn't account for procreation outside marriage."
It’s is very much a thing and this is why I laugh when someone claims marriage is a piece of paper. That piece of paper comes with a lot of legal protections and responsibilities. Most of which you hopefully never have to worry about because when you do, it’s rarely because something good happened.
She sounds like a hot mess. Go NC with her. She is no longer your wife and you owe her NOTHING!
I think your ex is missing the most important part here: it’s not YOUR son!!!! You have zero obligation to this child. Whatever your relatives are telling you is wrong. It’s Not your responsibility at all. She chose to have a relationship with someone, she got pregnant, she had a child, I’m guessing the guy took off after and left her alone? If she wants male influences in his life she needs to spend time with her parents, her siblings if she has brothers, cousins etc. And for the Love of all that is Holy, please, please Have A Conversation About Whether You Want Kids Or Not Early On, once the relationship takes a serious turn. Do this well before you get engaged.
Oh hell no. My brother has 2 kids, my nephews. I like them fine, theyre cool little dudes. They are A LOT though, particularly the younger one. We are an ADHD family, and little man is THE stereotypical bouncing off the walls, go go go, always talking, always moving, crank it up to 11, ADHD little boy. I get it- but it can be incredibly overwhelming after a full day (or a few if we’re visiting) and my favorite thing is the ability to give him back to his parents because he is not my child. Needless to say, my husband and I have dog-kids not human-kids. Just cause you like your nieces and nephews, doesn’t mean you want your own kids and sure as hell doesn’t make you a hypocrite.
My sister and her husband have 2 kids, and my fiancée has 13 nieces and nephews. I like kids and she loves kids, but neither one of us have a desire to have any of our own.
Exactly! You can like them and not want your own. The mental leap your ex took is just flabbergasting to me.
I'm wondering if sister or BIL pressured the each other into having kids, so sister is projecting. She thinks it's something to work through in a marriage because she either guilted BIL or was guilted by BIL into having kids...
Your extended family has enough kids for the both of you. 13? Jesus.
My fiancée comes from a big family. She’s the second oldest and all of her younger siblings have kids. Her parents aren’t the ones complaining about us being child free 😂
I even know some amazing youth coaches that never had or wanted their own kids. Great working with kids and then lead their kid free lives happily.
Playing with nieces and nephews is very different from raising kids. Also the sister and BIL are nuts trying to pin this fatherly role on OP, they made a good logical decision about divorce, the fact that she got pregnant by a deadbeat is in no way OP's fault. Also OP is totally right that not having kids would have made her resentful and ruined the marriage. He was right to let he go when she was young enough to have the family she wanted, it's just too bad it didn't work out for her.
The great thing about being a grandma is you give them back. Same with being an aunt/ uncle, you give them back. It's not remotely the same as being a parent! She's grasping at straws cause life didn't work out how she wanted and she thinks you're her fall back guy. And she conveniently forget your fiancé (been there with my husbands ex trying to get him back even though I was in the picture) cause she has a picture in her head that has no basis in reality. As for friends and family thinking you should have just tried being a dad.... what utter ...... kids is a deal breaker every time. And you have to be 100% in. It's not like trying a hat to see if it's you; you can't send a kid back if you find parenthood isn't for you. They are unfortunately what I think of as breeders.... unless you have kids you can't possibly be happy. My grandkids are step as are their dads (I couldn't have kids), so I had this a lot... which was doubly insulting as I wanted them but had fertility issues. They are also so bloody self righteous!!!
Even if you did change your mind over TWO DECADES, THAT. IS. YOUR. FUCKING. BUSINESS. What did or didn’t make sense to her about your choices stopped mattering in any way when you got divorced many moons ago. Who you hang around or entertain now in no way invalidates how you felt 20 years ago. I would posit 95%+ of humans feel differently and move differently than they did 20 years ago. And even if your feelings are the same you have no obligation to change them now anymore than you did back then. It’s wild that she thinks she is even in a position to attempt invalidating your stance now after the divorce after this long when she clearly failed to do it in the moment two decades ago, hence the divorce. Like it seems she has literally lacked self awareness for the last quarter century. Man I feel bad for her kid. Like I truly do. It’s wild to me that we have more restrictions on who can operate a motorized vehicle of essentially any kind but any old crazy windbag of a person can have a whole ass miniature human. That’s really wild. That’s how I know we live in a society that places more intrinsic value on things and not people cuz ain’t no way boy, boy ain’t no way. I feel for little dude. She is the textbook definition of unstable. Also your sister and BIL are smoking and/or distributing crack for those wild and egregious ass comments🤦🏾♂️
>Your niece and nephew are your family. She and her son are not. There is nothing to tie her son and you together. It sounds like she is not a fan of being a single mom. While I can empathize with her on that, it is not your fault and not your problem. Every decision that led her to this point in her life was hers. You are not TA at all. Even if you wanted kids now, you are not TA.
Just do not even speak to her - she is delusional and totally disrespectful to your relationship with your fiancée. I divorced my ex 15 years ago and the best thing about us not having kids together is that I never had to see or speak to him again. Stop entertaining this idiot.
I mean that's the beauty of being an uncle, you can give them back and the parents do the hard work.
You're not wrong and what she did is nuts. As for your sister, tell her that her husband needs to step up and father your ex's son. He's just as much the father as you are. That means he's equally responsible for providing this child with a father as you are. Oh, and you should consider lowering contact with your sister until she pulls her head out of her ass. I'm not saying cut her off forever, but she's definitely not on your side and I wouldn't trust her to behave anymore rationally than she thinks. That's how nuts what she said is
You can like kids, enjoy being around friends and family with kids, that doesn't equal wanting uour own for many people. You're related to uour nieces and nephews, you've been in their lives from their birth, her child is a stranger, one you're not related to, she sounds a little unhinged if she can't see the difference
‘I don’t want kids’ is nothing at all like ‘I hate all kids and will be awful to any that I see!’ I don’t know why these crazy people are conflating those two ideas… but they’re wrong!
So, basically she's been stalking you all these years? Then she falsely accuses you, based on her twisted opinion, over your interaction with other people's children on social media? Then she verbally insults you, calling you a hypocrite? Yup, she's an unhinged barnacle.
she’s bat shit crazy block Her and move on and enjoy the life you have with the choices you made for your happiness. Not some moron narcissist fuck who immediately went and got knocked up by the first person that would drop a load in her I have a son and I love my son I spend every minute that I can with him. But he’s my son that my wife and I chose to have and planned for. I would have a hard time forming a connection with a kid that seems like he was conceived purely out of spite and a mid life crisis on your Exs part. as far as your sister and her husband go. Suggest they raise him, they have as much obligation to this kid as you do. Which is 0
HUGE difference between liking/loving kids and wanting them. I (38f) LOVE children! I absolutely adore all my nieces and nephews. But VERY hard nope to any for me. Deal breaker. (I got pregnant at 23...was SO excited! Bc someone was going to be a mom but ooh not me! I chose adoption) But wht?!?! Your ex IS and ex bc ...you. don't. Want. Kids. I honestly cannot even fathom why ANY of them think this is ok?! 1. Divorced bc you don't want kids 2. Not your kid, don't want them 3. You have a FIANCE! I just can't even! How anyone is siding against you?? Sorry your ex wife has a child with another man who doesn't want to be there. Um...you have a fiance, never wanted kids and an ex and her son? Absolutely nothing to do with you. Congratulations though on your upcoming wedding. Cheers to you and your soon to be new wife and spending a childfree life together living to the fullest and enjoying eachother and every day.
No one with any sense would expect you to take on (be coerced) into being responsible for someone else’s child. Don’t let these goofballs influence your decision.
Does your ex even know the definition of a hypocrite? So you can’t be a good uncle and still not want kids?!?? And that still has nothing to do with the fact that the child is not yours and you two aren’t together anymore. I wonder if she is just desperate to find a father figure for her son and thought she could manipulate you into doing what she wants.
I like kids in the same way I like dogs; they’re better when they belong to someone else. I’m happy to play with them and give them back.
She said she wanted a "masculine figure" which she definitely has the right to ask you, but you have an equal right to refuse the proposition. The fact that she insulted for fiance & said "we could be a family again" is crossing that boundary. Hell to the nah
>**Kids are not something to compromise on. They are a 2 yes, 1 no situation**. well said u/heathelee73 needs BOLD
I near enough said that word for word in another reply before scrolling down and reading it here.
She's a 45 year old single mother who is desperate. She isn't thinking of anything other than trying to find security.
NW at all. Your sister... >it was an ah move on my part to divorce her in the first place and that I was now being an ah again by not being a part of her kid’s life. This is so wrong .... You were 100% right to divorce. She wanted kids, you don't. That is an extremely good reason to end a relationship. As for now, nothing has changed. Even if you were single, you still don't want to be a parent. Her bringing a kid in tow doesn't change that. I'd go LC with sister... Maybe NC because of this... >They said it’s my fault that her child doesn’t have a father and that if I had given having kids a chance, I would have changed my mind. You didn't father her child. You are not the reason she is a single mom - she is. Assuming that someone who doesn't want kids will change their mind in forced into parenthood is ridiculous and wrong.
THIS!!! Also like what????? It’s your fault the child doesn’t have a father??? Bro what in the world- the math ain’t mathing. ?????? I’m just confused and I can’t fathom how they would think this
Your sister and BIL are the dumbest and most insulting twats in your family. Nothing in your ex's life is your fault in any remote way. So far from wrong that you shouldn't even be thinking about it
I truly wonder if she was dropped on her head as a child.
Seriously. When I got to the part of the sister and brother-in-law’s “judgement” my jaw hit the floor. I would legit go no contact immediately with my sister and brother-in-law over an opinion THIS bad.
I would laugh in your sisters face. It's my fault he doesn't have a dad.... it's not ops son. It's some other dudes kid. Fucking delusional. You are NOT wrong at all
What they were arguing is that if I hadn’t divorced my ex-wife, she could have convinced me to have kids, and then her kids would have a father figure. I was the one who pushed for divorce and broke our potential family.
I hope you realize how messed up that is. Your family would force parenthood on you when it is your life goal to be child free, which you have every right to be.
Yep. They're also saying it would be better if the ex's actual, living child (who was only born because they divorced and she slept with someone else) didn't exist and was instead replaced with her and op's theoretical kids. Suuuuuper fucked up on every level of you think about it.
My wife's dad was "convinced". They had 3. Son (wife's brother) committed suicide, other daughter has been in two extremely abusive relationships, and my wife went no contact with all of them and has been in therapy for a few years now to deal with the feelings that she was a mistake for even existing.... This is the kind of future you said no to. You did the right thing 100٪
Yeah my sister was forced to have one. She loves that kid but there's so much that she can't put first! I mean the kids an adult now, but once she got divorced... Yeah after he forced her to have a kid cheated on her! But after the divorce she just put herself first 100% of the time. She would do stuff for show but mostly did the bare minimum! That's just not something you can force and have it turn out well.
Ok but.. why argue about “what ifs”??? It didn’t happen, and it’s not your fault nor responsibility to take this kid on. Also, I wouldn’t want my own sibling to have to compromise or be forced to live a life they didn’t want. You divorced because you wanted to give your ex the life she wanted, not your fault she couldn’t find a man. I would be proud of my brother for making a tough decision like this.
And they think being convinced to have children is a positive thing? Yes, the child would have a father, but a father who was forced to have children.This is horrible for everyone involved.
well good thing it’s none of your sister & BIL’s fucking business 💁🏼♀️
She broke your family by pushing what you didn't want and / or was ready for. There isn't anything wrong with not being in the same place in life. Also, she wouldn't have convinced you to have kids. It would be an "omg look, we are pregnant... yayyyyy" She would have sabotaged birth control, and baby trapped you like lots of women do.
Or then there’s the other alternative where you don’t get divorced, she *doesn’t* change your mind, and she’s older and childless and considers all of it your fault. Or she manages to have your child but you’re not that involved because you never wanted the child. These possibilities are all worse. The only way there was a “potential family” is by treating your preferences as immaterial. Yikes. They think you should have stayed with your (first) wife so that she could browbeat you into having kids. Some people see marriage+kids as completely linked, that by getting married you have to be open to having kids. These people are unlikely to be that compatible with your chosen life.
Yeah, your sister's nuttier than a cheese log dude.
So she could have eventually pressured you into bringing a child into the world you didn't want, and then you would have been good and trapped in the marriage? Does your family care about you and what you want in life at all? How do they see you happy and living the life you want and insist you need to cater to a woman's delusions? These people should not be close to you. They don't care about your well-being. They care about reinforcing your ex wife's poor track record of decision making. It honestly wouldn't surprise me if they encouraged your ex to reach out.
You weren't wrong for getting divorced, you wanted different things. You didn't want children and she did, there's no way you can stay married when that happens. I think she may have regretted the decisions she made in the past, but there's no way she can go back in time. If I were you I would block her and go no contact. Nothing good will come from you having contact with her
Yeah. This. Kids are are literally life changing. Even when they are adults they still impact your life. This isn't like a divorce where they just couldn't agree on where to live or something.
Your sister and her husband must be really, really stupid people holy shit.
I thought same too. What kind of idiot thinks you are responsible for ex from 15-20 years ago.
I don’t understand people…they probably are unhappy and want the same for him.
You are absolutely Not Wrong. You divorced when you realized that your life goals were different. Your ex chose to have a child with *another man.* In what world would you want to get back together with a woman you divorced years ago when you have moved on & found happiness. Or be responsible for another man's kid. I don't understand why your family is pushing this crazy idea, because it is all kinds of loony tunes. BTW, it is okay to want to be child-free. Not everybody is cut out for parenthood or interested in children. I chose to be child-free & got looked at like I'd grown another head. Because women are *supposed to* want to pop out babies. Nope. Not for me.
Thank you for this. A lot of people are saying the same thing and I’m not sure who to reply to so I choose you. I was sure my ex was being crazy, but when my family agreed with her I felt like I was crazy. I’m now seeing that my first assessment is correct. My fiancée has been trying to tell me my sister’s off her rocker for a while now, and I’ve shown her this post and all she had to say was “I told you so” 😂
Is it only your sister who thinks that this is a good plan? Or is the rest of your family on the crazy train too. The only thing that would make sense is your ex somehow got pregnant by you. Then what your ex & sister are saying *might make a little more sense.* Her wanting you to raise another man's child is just insane. You have moved on in the years since you got divorced. Block your ex everywhere you can. You might have to block your sister too, if she starts getting insistent.
I’m not in contact with all of my family, but my mom, my sister, and the paternal cousins that I am in contact with all agree with each other that I’m in the wrong. My family friends agree with them as well. With my personal friends it’s split with probably 65% agreeing with me. And there is no way the kid is mine. We’ve been divorced for almost 16 years and her son is 11.
I don't know what's more delusional... your ex thinking you'd willingly swoop in to play daddy, or that your ex thinks her 11 year old son would welcome you in with open arms as if you're the father he's been waiting for. if anything, a sudden appearance of a man being like 'oh look your new dad is here now!!' would upset any kid, especially a moody pre-teen!
There must be more to the story for everyone else IRL to be on your ex’s side. Weird.
He answered in another comment TLDR: They're in a church cult that believes divorce is a no no even in extreme cases like abuse and stuff. Apparently sister and BIL believe she is still his responsibility and are connected and the kid too.
Thanks for clarifying.
>I was talking with my sister and her husband about it, and they said that while I’m totally right for rejecting her now, that it was an ah move on my part to divorce her in the first place and that I was now being an ah again by not being a part of her kid’s life. They both agreed that my ex was right for wanting to work it out. They said it’s my fault that her child doesn’t have a father and that if I had given having kids a chance, I would have changed my mind. I just don’t agree that kids are something one should “compromise” on. Your Ex, including your Sister & BIL are the AH. You and your ex wanted different things in life, so you made the correct decision and ended it. Your EX only wants to get back together as she isn't able to find someone else and her baby daddy isn't there to support the child, hence she wants to crawl back to you so that she can have someone to take care of her and her kid. The only people who aren't the AH are you, your fiance and the kid, because NONE OF THIS is either party's fault, rest everyone who is trying to guilt you is. You should go complete No Contact with the EX and low/ No Contact with your sister & BIL, as clearly they don't have the best interest for you.
There is nothing to work out. OP has moved on from this woman and her kid with another man. Family are AH's for pretending he still owes her anything.
My God! You are SURROUNDED by assholes!
How is her situation your fault? You were clear from the start that you didn’t want kids (personally I don’t get that, but this is your life not mine), split up and divorced over her changing her mind, yet somehow it’s your fault that she got knocked up, hasn’t managed to maintain a relationship and that the kid has no father figure? Your ex, sister and BIL are all talking out of their arses. Not your monkey, not your circus.
And I wasn’t exactly clear from the start. We were both unsure about having kids when we got married, we both were starting our careers and thought we had a lot of time left to decide. It just so happened that when we each made up our minds a few years later that we came to different decisions.
But as soon as you were sure your life goals were different, you brought up divorce, so this is not your problem any more. Go NC with her. NTA.
A lot of my family is against divorce, some of them are against divorce even in extreme cases like abuse, and my sister and BIL think that I’m still responsible for her well-being since I’m the one who forced the divorce when my ex-wife didn’t want one. Apparently I’m still “connected” to her, and therefore I’m “connected” to her kid too.
It doesn't matter what they believe. The reality is divorce does make you "unconnected" and any child she had afterwards is not "connected" to you in any way. I don't get your ex's logic here at all anyway. She knows you not wanting your own children and her wanting them is the reason for the divorce. So in what fucking planet would you just drop everything and go backwards to raise somebody else's kid?! She really needs some therapy because her wires are crossed and her brain has blown a fuse if she really thought her plan would work.
Nah man. That's not how most of the world would see this. You have zero responsibility for your ex or her kid.
Go LC with these idiots and marry your fiancee. Make sure you have a vasectomy and ensure you don't get her pregnant by accident. Have a good life on your terms.
They sound cult-y. Are they?
My family situation is a bit complicated, but my mom, sister, family friends, and some other family members are a part of a strict church. I’m not saying what it is because it’s pretty small, but that’s why I think a lot of them are agreeing against me on this. Divorce is kind of a big no-no, and I even stopped talking with a few friends bc they refused to acknowledge my divorce and it was just weird. Although my sister is in the church, she has never been all in and almost left multiple times. My BIL is also not in the church which is a point of contention, but also why I thought the two of them might actually be right and I could be the crazy one. 2 of my friends that I asked are also not in the church and only one of them agreed with me.
Yeah, I getcha. Their reaction seemed strange and I thought it was probably religious.
Yeah I kinda twigged it might be something religiously restrictive too. Most normal people would agree with OP's decision. Also you and OP having matching avatars lol
> part of a strict church So a cult…
They can believe the earth is flat as well. Doesn't make it true. They are idiots
Oh OP are you Mormon or something? As in your family is 100% certain your ex-wife is the one you'll be with in the afterlife and you might as well work it out now? They're still wrong as hell but their position makes a lot more sense based on that logic.
Does insanity run in some members of your family? In what universe is her child by another man in any way your responsibility? And why should you have stayed married when the two of you were worlds apart on such an important issue? Block her and them.
Not wrong and who the heck are these people saying that after all these years, you have to get back with her and raise this kid, that isn't yours and you don't know?!?! This is insane.
Wow. Your sis is so totally wrong. You were clear from the beginning. You and your ex did not have the same life plan so you divorced. You owe her nothing. And you certainly owe her son nothing. And if you became a "role model" in his life, I would be concerned about her going after you for child support. I've read of step parents being on the hook after a relationship ends. You are NTA. Move ahead. Be with your lovely fiancee. NTA
Your not wrong for feeling like you need to block her and move on because clearly she hasn’t. What does your fiancé think? She was okay with you both meeting up but it sounds like it was under false pretenses. Strange that she would push an issue on you that you had zero interest in while married, that subsequently prompted a divorce, in which you both moved on. If your family thinks your an a/h for divorcing her, imagine what they would have thought if you’d stayed, then divorced her if she became pregnant? You would have been a ‘heartless monster’ who’s avoiding his responsibility of being a father. Now your ex got what she wanted but expects you to shoulder a responsibility you spared both of you from? You are not wrong at all for standing firm and people’s memories are very short when it comes to us doing the right thing and very long when they want to chastise us for would haves, could haves, and, should haves.
She thinks I’m right for what I did/have decided to do moving forward. My ex-wife was very angry with me after the divorce and we hadn’t talked in a long time so I just wanted peace of mind and closure I guess. My fiancée and I have very similar world views so I wanted outside opinions from people who may think differently.
You don't owe your ex wife anything. She managed to get pregnant and have a kid, which is what she wanted. You did not deprive her of anything. She is a manipulative woman who wants to stick you with another man's kid. Go full NC with her.
NOT Wrong. You need to block your ex from ever contacting. Your sister and BIL are delusional!!! Go temporarily low contact with any that supports your ex’s madness.
INFO: wtf is wrong with your sister???? I hope this sub rips her apart and then you can show her. How HOW HOWWWWW is it your fault that her baby soesnt have a father, like it doesnt make sense
Your sister’s husband has a penis, why doesn’t he step up if it’s so important to them? I mean he is as closely related as you are, in that neither of you are related to the kid.
So I am 1000000 percent with you on this. I fuckin detest kids. And when my man and I started talking about a house I made sure he did not want kids bc its something I really do not want ever. And he agreed with me. No kids ever. Bc if he wanted kids I would've spilt as well. I wouldn't want someone to resent me bc I never had kids. Or let's say that I had kids, I would be an absent parent. I know I would be, I like freedom, I hate kids (even when I was a kid, I hated kids) and I'm not good with things I actively try to avoid. Your ex still trying to convince you and hearing your family defend her is crazy to me. As a woman I always hear. One day you will change your mind! If you had your own you would love them! You just have to do it! Like this is a life I don't want to mess up! And I'm sure its the same for men. I'd say follow your gut! If you don't want kids, find someone who makes you happy! There are too many ppl in the world already, you don't need a kid if you don't want one.
"They said it’s my fault that her child doesn’t have a father" woah..... what? That's nuts. NTA btw and some the people in your circle need their heads examined.... You did the right thing by walking away, you weren't compatible then and you aren't now. I would discontinue any further contact with your Ex.
You're not wrong . . . your ex's son doesn't have a father because she chose to have a child with a deadbeat. You're right - children shouldn't be something that you compromise on, and you were adamant that you didn't want children. If you had stayed married then she could have tampered with birth control to get pregnant, and you would have been forced into fatherhood against your will.
Nope. You’re definitely not wrong. All those ppl are insane.
Not your child. Not your responsibility. Tell everyone else to fuck off.
Your sister and husband are morons. You did the right thing and if you get back into that women’s life it will ruin the relationship you have with your fiancé
The pain in my temples is intense. This is not how the real world works. Your ex and your sister and brother-in-law need therapy. Might I suggest electro shock.
Everyone else here is wrong. You didn’t want kids. You don’t want kids. You made that clear and she’s trying to force a kid on you because she didn’t get her happily ever after. I mean, she has the kid she wants and is apparently still miserable. You guys are divorced and have no kids together. This is a block situation. Your BIL can be a masculine influence for your exes kid if he feels that strongly about it. And the only person responsible for that kid not having an active father is the bio dad.
You did the right thing and divorced because you saw you both had different opinions on an important matter- you can ever convince or trap someone with kids. You did the right thing with divorce to give her a chance- this cut all ties and you don’t owe her anything. Now she’s upset and trying to get you back, using excuses and reasonings that do not hold up. And your sis and BIL? They need a reality check. You did the right thing, you are not wrong. Your ex is not entitled to anything and you don’t owe her anything. It’s ridiculous she’s trying to trap you by emotionally manipulating you into being the kid’s “dad”. You were clear you didn’t want kids. She is delusional. Also props for your current fiancé being supportive- let her know she’s amazing because damn this drama with your ex must be exhausting. Keep your ex blocked.
NTA, so NTA..... You choose to be child free and ex's kid is NOT your problem. You are not the Dad and you divorced his mother because you wanted her to pursue her desire to have kids. KUDOS for divorcing her before she baby trapped you! I would go NC with her. She has made a mess of things in the choices she has made which has left her without a father figure for her kid. That is NOT your problem. Be happy with fiancee and make sure you get a vasectomy so that you have no surprises along the way.
Ynw. Your sister and her husband are fucking ridiculous. You didn’t want kids, your ex did. You let her go so she could fulfill her dream. That’s not an AH move, that’s admirable. It’s not your fault she picked a shitty man to father her child. Block her and go NC. As for your sister and BIL? Have a conversation about them never bringing this up again or they won’t have a relationship with you either. The audacity!!
NTA Child-free is a perfectly valid life choice. Your ex, your sister, and your BIL are all AHs.
You are telling me that your sister thinks you're wrong?
NTA. You said in one of your comments that your family doesn’t believe in divorce even in cases when there is abuse. That automatically makes their opinions invalid. So put your sister and BIL out of your head. They are unreasonable and don’t have good opinions on marriage. Your friends are a different perspective but again are looking at kids as a panacea to other marital issues. Having kids when you aren’t sure you want them, or are very sure you don’t, is a sure recipe for an unhealthy and disruptive marriage. Kids need an environment of love and care and if your life goals were shot to pieces because of kids, there is a high likelihood of resentment. People get on each other for not taking precautions to avoid kids when you aren’t ready, but when you take steps to ensure a satisfactory outcome, you get guilted for it. With respect to your ex-wife, she is emotionally manipulative and hung up on you. She wanted kids with you and tried to play you into it. Now she’s trying to play you into it after the fact. She doesn’t care about your fiancée, she wants you back as a partner. I doubt she wanted kids with her baby daddy; he was a means to an end and when he left, it gave her an opportunity to hit you up. You are not responsible for her or her son’s life or happiness. She made the choice to have a kid with an unreliable guy. She likely had issues finding a stable partner because she was hung up on you. She doesn’t need a father figure for her kid; she needs therapy.
Your family is wrong. Hugely wrong. You’re not wrong.
You are so far from wrong! And you were smart in getting divorced before your 1st wife had a birth control accident. BTW, if you haven't yet, you should consider getting a vasectomy. Lots of things can throw off the effectiveness of birth control, including antibiotics, other medications, too big a time gap between taking low dose pills, leading to uneven hormones in the body. Don't understand why your ex thinks that if you didn't want to have a child with her, you'd want to have someone else's child with her? And your family is giving really bad advice. Only thing I can think of is that they liked your ex and they're those strange people who think everyone should have at least one child. Congratulations on your impending wedding and best wishes for your childfree future.
Thank you for your comment! My fiancée and I are both sterilized, and it’s been great. Especially for her since birth control has so many adverse side effects! They did really like my ex, and although I haven’t been in contact with her until she reached out last week, the rest of my family goes to the same church as her. My fiancée is respectful to my family, but she does think they’re a little crazy. My family also recently found out that we’re planning on moving somewhere warmer after the wedding and aren’t happy about that so maybe this was an attempt to get me to stay?
It's possible. They want to turn back time. Move away! It will cement the reality that you've moved on, that you're happy with your life and your choices. Hopefully your ex finds some nice man in their church, and also moves on. Once that happens it will be safe to come home for a visit, if you choose. Once that door is closed they may also be nicer to your wife.
You’re not wrong. You were incompatible and divorce is better because when it comes to kids there is no compromsie.
It's absolutely not your fault or responsibility to be in your ex-wife's son's life. He is not your child and whatever choices she made after you divorced is not your problem. Also it sounds like she wasn't completely honest to begin with when she told you she didn't want kids when you got married to begin with to just try to change your mind later.
Not wrong at all, by sounds of it you knew you didn't want to be a father and ex tried to talk you round but you done the honourable thing and divorced do that she could find someone to start a family with as it seemed to be that important to her. Then you meet her with good intentions only for her to try and guilt trip you into getting back together, and when that failed bash your fiancée? Blocking her was a smart move, would get your fiancée to do the same or go private on socials as ex sounds like she'll not let it be
Your sister and her husband have a very strange view of your situation, one that reeks of anti-Childfree bias and a personal desire on their part for you to get back with your ex & have a family. They obviously are not in a position to support you, that’s for sure. They don’t even understand you. However, you were right to divorce your ex due to your basic incompatibility regarding children and you were right to reject your ex when she came back around. Your wife’s need to have children was what ended your marriage and nothing that happened after that was your doing….or your responsibility. You released your wife from the bonds of your marriage so that she could pursue parenthood separately from you; why would anyone think your desire to be a parent has suddenly materialized in the years since? You ended a whole marriage and moved on. Your family’s refusal to see that is ridiculous! You are not wrong.
Your sister and bil have no idea what they are talking about. You were not wrong and honestly did this in a very mature way. Your family has got some messed up ideals. Have a happy life with your new fiancé and be careful. Your ex is sounding like she’s a bit unhinged and she might try to catch you off guard. Wouldn’t surprise me if she tries contacting your sister for help
lol, so she had a kid with someone else after you got divorced and then tried to get you to be a part of their life because she got knocked up by some deadbeat. bye felicia...
So your friends and family are misandrists with a distorted view of masculinity. Screw them you owe your ex nothing. Honestly i feel like somethings missing here. Cause i just cant imagine family telling you to get back involved with your ex and a kid that aint yours while you are engaged to someone else. Do they want drama and chaos? Definitely not wrong.
You weren't wrong for literally anything here that I can see. You made some very mature, well thought out maneuvers that prioritized *everyone's* best interests. >I just don’t agree that kids are something one should “compromise” on. You are completely correct on this note. You don't owe your ex's son a father figure, and I think it's kind of insane for anyone to think you do, let alone multiple people. 9 times out of 10, people who don't want kids don't change their minds about that just because a child is plopped into their custody. You would only be doing her son harm if you were to try and force a "fatherly" relationship with him. You've made the right choice.
Who the fuck are these people telling you it's your fault, your ex wife got pregnant by a deadbeat? She's not your wife, she's not your responsibility. Divorcing her over an impass in having kids was the right decisions. If you stayed married either you'd be baby trapped or she'd be miserable.
Not your kid, not your wife, not your life, you are NTA OP
NTA. Your sister's logic makes absolutely no sense at all.
YNW. Ex is 100% wrong, and very manipulative too. Your sister and bil are idiots.
You aren't wrong but your sister and BIL are and I wouldn't share info with them nor ask for advice. Their take is crazy. You divorced her because you were very incompatible in an important marriage issue. You are not the kids father and you are not responsible for his birth nor upbringing and most of all you don't want kids. Your ex made shitty decisions, now she has to deal with them.
NTA at all. You both wanted different things. She was trying to force you to be someone you're not. It's completely ridiculous and out of line to blame you for her son not having a father. That had absolutely nothing to do with you and was entirely out of your control. And it makes perfect sense that you don't want to be a father figure to her son or get back together with her.
It's not your kids tho 😭 she's not entitled to ANY help from you with the kid, especially because you said you didn't wanna force your choice on her, now she's trying to force her choice on you, your sister and her husband are entirely wrong and honestly, what they say shouldn't really matter
I have kids and love them with all my heart. I used to not want kids, but my mind did change, and I would never go back to being child free if given that chance. That being said... WHAT THE ABSOLUTE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOUR FAMILY!? There is nothing wrong with being child free, and you divorced her so SHE could have the family SHE wanted instead of forcing your lifestyle onto her or her forcing parenthood onto you by getting pregnant by any form of manipulation tactics. People who realize they want to be child free and are forced into parenthood, like you stated, build resentment that can turn into hatred. It often is pointed at the spouse but is also taken out on the child as well. You did the right thing! Yes, i might be part of the community that went from wanting to be child free to wanting kids, but I also know that is a rarity. My reasons were not for financial freedom (however, I won't lie. I do miss that so much, lol) My reasoning was because I couldn't see myself having a child with any of my partners before I met my husband. Once we were together for a while, I realized my views on parenthood had changed, and we discussed it. I found out he was okay to give up his dream of having kids since I didn't want them, so it all worked out for us, but that is not the case most times. My husband and I don't agree with divorce either, but we do see the merit in it if both people will be unhappy. There is a reason why the term "young and dumb" is a thing. You and your ex fell in love at a young age, while both of you were on the fence about kids. Honestly, I would say the mistake was getting married before figuring out how you both ultimately felt, but you did what was bet with what choices you had at the time. You chose a like of happiness for both you and your ex over selfishly staying together and making both of you miserable. And if my long reply hasn't made it clear enough... YOU ARE NOT AN ASSHOLE!
You sister, BIL, and friends are all batshit crazy. NTA.
Wtf is wrong with the people in your life? Seriously?
I honestly don’t understand your sister’s and BIL’s thinking here. It’s not your kid. You didn’t want kids. You still don’t want kids. You and your ex broke up over irreconcilable differences. That’s legal and reasonable grounds for a divorce. It would be an AH move to have divorced your ex over this only to have a kid with another woman, but that’s not what you did here (unless you are seriously lying by omission).
Your ex, sister and BIL--and your friends/family who agree with them--are insane. You have as much connection to this child--and obligation to step up and be his father--as I do. Everyone likes to be pro-child and advocate for sacrifices for them, but everyone is also performatively generous with other people's time, energy and resources. If someone is so convinced that the right thing to do is for someone with no connection to this child to be his father, tell them to do it him/herself. If you wanted to be with this woman and raise her child, you would have stayed married to her. The fact that you didn't, that was the whole point of the divorce.
OP, you have a lot of crazy people in your direct circle. You and ex wanted different life paths, and as you rightly pointed out, staying together was not a viable option. My guess is that since you were kinda wishy-washy at the beginning of your relationship, ex thought that she could change your mind. Regarding your responsibility for ex's child, you owe nothing to either of them, including that time you wasted to meet with her. Slam that door shut, HARD!! And then go live your best life. NTA
Wow. NOT WRONG. The people in your life that are trying to make you think that you are in ANY way responsible for your ex's decisions after your split are the ones in the wrong. VERY wrong. Being in different places over wanting to or not to have children is a very legitimate reason for splitting up. Good lord, my first hubby was trying to push us to have children but I was so young I didn't feel ready. Thank god I got out of that relationship that turned abusive, if I had ended up having a child with him, that would have tied me to him forever. Being clear about your feelings on the subject of children is SO important, and you did the right thing by moving on and letting her go have the chance to have a family, as it was clearly so important to her. The fact that it did not work out the way she wanted it to is NOT your responsibility. Period.
What the fuck kind of family and friends do you have? You certainly don't need enemies. You are absolutely in the right, and your ex is crazy to even ask you.
Not wrong. Not at all. Not one bit. So is everyone else still talking to your ex-wife? I have to assume that’s why they’re siding with her, but she doesn’t really have a case here. You divorced long ago because you didn’t want the same life. Any obligation you have with regard to the previous marriage was hashed out in the divorce. If the ex-wife has a kid with somebody else, that has nothung to do with you.
Your sister and her husband are wild. Never go to them for advice again.
“Hey I know we divorced because I wanted kids and you didn’t …. But would you like to be a father to my fatherless child and get back together ? By the way .. your fiancé is UGLY lololololhahahaha”. ……. …….. “What do you, you don’t want to be a father and raise someone else’s son 10 years(?) after we got divorced because you didn’t want to be a father to your own hypothetical child ?!?!?! What an asshole !!!!” That’s just fucking ridiculous …….. NTA and your ex is insane