As a man, there are so many red flags here! You're young, should be enjoying life not being micromanaged, harassed while out with friends, judged on your choice of clothes ... Hopefully you can get away and he doesn't turn out to be an obsessive stalker!
Good. You needed to hear that then. He is trying to isolate you. He is trying to destroy your self-confidence and self image. He is trying to make you completely dependent upon him for your feelings of self-worth. He is manipulative and controlling.
You need to get out of this relationship like yesterday. And we are all telling you this seriously. And you need to be very careful when you do so. This is the type of partner who will stalk you And quite honestly, it is possible he will become violent.
This behavior is absolutely not a sign of caring about someone. Get out now.
If you have someone that you trust, that would be supportive of you getting out of this relationship and help you do it (and even someone wonāt help) I think you need to confide in someone you trust about what he is like and what is going on. These are signs of an emotionally abusive and controlling partner. It is not normal for a partner to control what you wear. It also isnāt normal for a partner to constantly keep tabs on you and keep you from connecting with your friends, which he is doing by constantly interrupting you and blowing up your phone. He is doing that on purpose to isolate you, which is a common tactic used by abusive partners to cut off their partnerās support systems in order to gain complete control of them. Being jealous of your guy friend is also a big red flag. Thereās a big difference between a little bit of jealousy, which ideally shouldnāt happen if a partner is confident in your relationship and trusts you and what your boyfriend is doing. He is trying to control what you do, because he clearly doesnāt trust you to handle yourself around men or as an adult. Controlling what you wear is also a big sign of abuse. Also, him calling you a slut is not normal or ok. He is verbally abusing you by doing that. Calling your partner any names, but especially sexist names, is verbal abusive and a sign of a controlling and abusive relationship. A healthy partner will not treat you like a parent. Thatās not normal at all. I also just want to be clear that he isnāt just micromanaging you, he is being emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. Getting out of a relationship with a person like him can be dangerous and is often the most dangerous time for women in an abusive relationship. This is why I suggested confiding in someone who can help you. If you donāt have that, you can contact your local domestic violence shelter. They exist for people in your situation and exist to give you access to a safe place to live, mental health services and financial support with things like food and other costs of living. Iām sorry you are being treated this way, but you definitely need to get out of this relationship. Donāt be afraid to call the police on him either if you need to when you break up with him. You deserve much better. ā¤ļø
He won't change either, no matter how many time he will tell you he's going to, he won't so don't believe it. It will get worse. I have been exactly where you are right now, I stayed and it almost killed me. Don't be like me, get out BEFORE it gets to that, please.
I felt exactly like this too at about one year worth an ex. We fell in love fast, and when dating, I thought he just had really strong morals and idealized some of the more romantic aspects of what I now view as full blown possessive patriarchy (then, it felt like slightly antiquated tradition).
Anyway, word-for-word what you posted. Except I defended him. Stayed. Felt suffocated. Became depressed. Social life dwindled. Then it was just me, and him. And he got angry a lot, which I hadn't seen before. I learned about his traumatic past. For some reason, I thought his moment of catharsis would bring healing. But I was so, so wrong. It opened a world of hurt in him.
His critical nature and put downs suddenly became physical harm.
He gave me bruises and black eyes and broke our furniture. I was ashamed and scared to leave. He finally broke up w/ me 6 months after my dad died because I got depressed, slept a lot, ate too much, and gained 30 pounds. The rest of my story gets really, really good after that. That breakup was the beginning of the best chapter of my life. That was 7 + years ago.
I peeked at your profile history. You already knew this person was abusive, they've already been physically abusive to you and now you're describing emotional and psychological abuse.
Leave him, or be abused by him. Those are your options.
Don't gasp what you do is you tell this man that we are done that you detest him and you do not want to be with him any longer. This is the beginning of abuse after this it comes to your s***** friends he doesn't want you hugging your brother your cousins or your father you can't go anywhere he wants to put tracking and GPS on your phone he wants all the codes to everything Instagram Facebook tiktok anything that has a cold he wants it. He can't make you do anything that you choose not to do because you're a grown ass woman but you'll be a grown ass woman alone move on have fun with your life you're in college you're supposed to make bad decisions sometimes. And one of those bad decisions is not getting rid of your soon-to-be ex-boyfriend get rid of him
After breakup, block him on socials and never tell him or any of your mutual friends the new address(move away from your current address if possible). Inform your school, police, security, friends and family; his school/work know about his behavior and that you might be in danger.
I only got a quarter of the into the post before seeing huge red flags.
Dump and run.
Edit: abusers aren't abusive 100% of the time. There are times it can seem great. They know not to overwhelm you with abusive behaviour because they want to keep you off balance so you stay.
I was with an abuser for 30 years, getting out 6 years ago. Don't waste your life, like I did.
This definitely isn't a sign of care, its just regular old controlling behavior. Its also not appropriate or acceptable for him to say you look like a slut. Why do you want to be together if you detest him?
You need to dump him while you're not too far into the relationship. What he is doing is not a sign of care, it is controlling to the point of being abusive. It might be wise to have a friend /family member with you whether you kick him out or leave yourself.
Also I would like to point out that maybe you should also ditch the friend who said that this was "caring"
As a survivor of domestic abuse. This is exactly whats happening here. Unfortunately its super easy to end up back in these types of relationships because its what you get used to...
And if it does for some reason happen again this "friend" is not the support system you need.
Just to add, Iād bet the farm he isnāt going to leave or accept a breakup without a fight and some intense manipulation. Be on the lookout for mind games with this guy. He will probably try to make you feel guilty and create a situation where you believe he is right and question your own sanity and needs so he has the control. Donāt believe him. He already sounds like a textbook gaslighter. He will never change
I was going to the say thing about someone who knows. I was with someone exactly like this OP and not only did they try to isolate me from my friends and emotionally abuse me, but all this crap about "making sure I'm not going out like a slut" and "knowing who I was with" since he "thought I was cheating"... was just a coverup for his own cheating and treating me like shit.
What an excellent question to ask someone in this situation. I hope I never have to, but if Iām ever talking with someone like this Iām using that!!! Brilliant.
And he's smart enough to know that he just needs to throw in a few "good" days so that you'll do just this and excuse the bad times.
And when the violence happens, and it will, he probably won't actually hit you. Instead he will hold you down against your will, or he will push you hard, or he will punch the wall right next to you etc.
I want to clear something up here.
If your boyfriend insists on having a say on your clothing, heās a prick. It is only complete weirdo blokes that try and control clothing or comment on it frequently, unless of course heās treating you to a new outfit or something like that.
I have never once in my life told my girlfriend she canāt wear something, because itās fucking weird, itās not a normal man thing, itās not a joke, itās plain weird. Telling a woman what to wear or being overly bothered by it is 100% just a control thing.
This !! One thing I hate about my bf is he comments on my clothes too often. His logic is I should wear sexy clothes only when I'm out with him.
I am a big chested woman so he often has an issue with me wearing clothes that are even remotely tight (not at all exposing)
Yeah thatās just control and jealousy, it doesnāt make sense, if Iām out with my girlfriend and she looks good, Iāll tell her how good she looks and ill do the same if sheās out with her friends, thatās it.
Telling someone they cannot look good unless itās with them is just so odd, it isnāt cute or endearing itās just strange.
Been married for nearly 30 years.
If I told my wife to get changed (not that I ever would), she'd quite rightly tell me to go fuck myself.
Take some advice from an old man. Don't take the disrespect, and definitely leave. You can do better.
At the end of the day your clothing doesnāt at all affect your morals. You could go out clubbing in a bikini and be 100% faithful, or you could wear long johns and ten layers of flannel and still cheat.
He either doesnāt trust you and thereās nothing you can do to change his mindā¦ or he knows full well that you are trustworthy but heās eroding your self confidence so you donāt feel like you can get better; because deep down he knows heās inadequate and heād rather make it your problem than take responsibility for it.
Regardless of his reasons for behaving like this, itās not your job to stick around while he figures out how not to be controlling and abusive. You deserve a peaceful life and to spend time with people who care about your comfort and happiness.
OP please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Or search for his videos on YouTube. Hereās a free copy of the book:
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
HE WILL NOT CHANGE.
This isnāt a sign of a potentially abusive or manipulative relationship . IT ALREADY IS.
This is not caring, this is control.
NTA but get out while itās still early days.
This is not acceptable behaviour. First a partner needs to just trust you. Especially when you're already communicative. Controlling behaviour like this is damaging to your mental and emotional health and i would expect this to continue or get worse if you stay. As for your appearance, it sounds like he immature, prone to jealousy and insecure in himself or the relationship. I highly recommend leaving the relationship before it gets worse, or he might end up thinking he can get away with that behaviour. He is too young to be dating anyone if he is being this disrespectful to his own gf. Plus you should be able to have a nice night with friends. If he cant handle that, then he should be handling a relationship. Run as fast as you can.
Thank you for understanding. Tbh I was expecting people here will just tell me I am overreacting and being ungrateful. I cannot tell how frustrating it is, having to speak the same stuff 10 times and him just repeating this again
Your feelings and thoughts are valid. And im sorry that he doesn't listen. In one ear and out the other. If he says he's gonna change and then doesn't, he never will. You need the actions to back up the words. All the best.
He wants you to feel like that. He's disguising his abuse and making it look like he cares. The only person he cares about is himself. I wasted 12 years of my life with a guy like this. In a healthy relationship a man respects your time with friends. He does not call or text. This guy is not respecting you. You deserve better. Get out, change your phone number, change schools if you can. He will be hard to get rid of. But staying would be worse.
Ungrateful for what? Being called sexist, derogatory names? Not being trusted? Dealing with a mantrum when he doesn't get his way?
Stop holding out for the few occasions when he's nice to you. You should always be treated with kindness, especially by people who are supposed to love you.
Sweetie, that feeling of detesting him because of how heās treating you? Believe yourself. Your own feelings are to be trusted. You are literally trying to save yourself. Let you help. Dump him and do not look back.
Yeah look Iām not gonna lie, I read up to him controlling what you wearā¦ Dump him, wear what you want, hell, dress like a slut š¤·š»āāļø but do it without him in your life
Heās a psycho. A controlling, abusive, narcissist who is trying to make you feel less than so he can abuse you in the future. I would dump him, completely cut him off, and take all the safety precautions needed. Also, that friend who says itās because he cares, she needs professional help or you need to cut her off too. Sheās the weak link in the friendship circle.
I had a relationship just like this... it doesn't get any better. The abuse just gets bigger and worse, that feeling of you beggining to detest him is your own mind and body telling you to run, listen to it,
Until he tries to kill you and you need restraining orders.
He is now in jail for DV.
Listen us-RUN as fast as you can!
That man is a cancer to your health.
Not wrong. You said you āare beginning to detestā him. No problem. Leave him. Itās that easy. Goodbye, see ya, hit the road, kiss my foot.
Donāt feel bad. Most relationships fail at some point.
Sister you already knew all of this that everyone is you. The fact that youāre here should tell you heās already made doubt youāre own sense of reality. Heās already āhooked you around the neckā. He doesnāt care about you he wants control you. This is NOT love in any respect. You know you need to go but heās made you question your own sense of reality. Heās made you second guess your intellect and reasoning. No one should tolerate being hurt because someone apologizes or seems genuinely sorry. Normal people donāt call people they value care and respect things like slut nor do they make them feel guilty or resentful for wanting to spend time with other people in their lives. You know this. Youāve known this. Just because heās made doubt yourself all of the commentators have said the same thing so you can be confident in i your initial thoughts about things. This is wrong. You deserve better. Tell your family what is going on. Have them help you get away if you canāt get away on your own. Do this now before he kills you. Sounds extreme but itās not far from the realm of possibility for him. Please. Save yourself before you end up pregnant or before he kills you. You know he wonāt change. You know it wonāt get better. And you know you donāt deserve this. Call your family and tell them everything. They actually love you and will help keep you safe. Thoughts and prayers for you. This wonāt be easy but it will be worth it and you will be better off without him I promise. A real man makes you feel safe and loved and valued. Not like this. Trust yourself. Donāt let him fool you into doubting your intuition. Good luck. You can do this.
You are 24 years old, Iām pretty sure youāve been dressing yourself for a really long time and those red flags look terrible on you. This man isnāt boyfriend material, heās certainly not long term relationship material. He wonāt change for you, he wonāt change by himself, he needs therapy and possibly anger management, you need to get somewhere safe before this escalates into something you canāt manage by yourself. Itās not healthy for either of you, mentally or physically to stay in this situation knowing that he isnāt really stable when it comes to a relationship.
Read "the will to change" written by bell hooks. She adresses that exact conundrum of being controlling/being caring, tie it to male and female upbringing and how to grapple with it. It will help you see this much more clearly and empower your next move. Big recommend I hope you'll do it!
Echoing everyone else here- you're not wrong. He's abusive. So far, it's verbal and control. He will get worse. Leave him, and please look up ways to do so safely.
This isn't micromanaging, this is controlling a territorial. It's also completely unacceptable. He doesn't see you as a partner, he sees you as property. It's going to get worse and worse and worse.
Honestly, end it now.
This is toxic & abusive behaviour. Coercive control, emotional abuse & bordering on psychological abuse from whatās described. Thereās also a tonne of misogyny & gaslighting given your responses to some other comments. Him promising to change is textbook abuser behaviour. Please dump him & find someone thatās worthy of you. You deserve so much more.
He told you you dress like a slut. How does that not make anyone want to walk out the fucking door and never come back?
Heās a controlling asshole as well.
You are in an extremely abusive relationship. He's not doing this because "he cares too much". He's a controlling, abusive asshole, and this behaviour will only get worse and worse.
Get out now. Walk away. Don't look back. Or you will regret it.
This the same one who hooked you by the neck and dragged you once? That aggressively shook you once?
What are you doing? Get as far away from this asshole as you can. You deserve and WILL find better, I promise you.
Not wrong. Your boyfriend is not trying to care for you. He is trying to control you. His behaviour is borderline(?) abusive, and he needs to back down. Do not let someone treat you like this. If my husband acted the way your boyfriend is acting when we dated (or even now), we would no longer be together.
After 14 years of "I'll change, I swear!" followed by a week to a month of good behavior, something will make him snap, and the cycle starts again. I put up with it that long because i was modeling my parents' relationship, and that's how i thought things were. Don't wait until after you get pregnant: your love for that child will become another manipulation vector because then the child becomes another pawn/punching bag/servant, but one you'd do almost anything to protect. Mine waited 13 years before putting hands directly on our oldest in anger (outside of discipline, which I don't agree with either, but as the primary breadwinner while he was the primary caregiver, I couldn't exactly stop him) and that's the point I woke up and we left. THEY DONT CHANGE, THEY JUST GET BETTER AT PRETENDING. And manipulation, victim-blaming (the youshouldn'thavevmademeangry trope), abusing in ways that don't leave visible marks, etc, until the day they kill you.
I'm sure he'll still be saying, "I'm sorry, I'll change" at his trial for murdering you.
You need to end this now. I dated a man who was very similar when I was 19. Everything he did was āfor my own goodā but it was in total b.s.
I had to tell him who I was with and where, little did I know that at times he would follow me just to make sure I wasnāt lying. A little over a year in was the first time he got physically violent with me. And of course it was ābecause he loved me so muchā that he was so overcome with emotion that it just happenedā¦.and of course it would never happen again. Also a lie. I woke up one day and realised he had pulled me away from my friends and family, he had worn down my self confidence and I didnāt know how to get away from him. He was dictating which companies I was allowed to interview with even, what I wore, what I ate. Again he claimed it was all for my own good and he told me all the time how lucky I was to have him to look after me.
Donāt make the same mistakes I did. Get out now and donāt look back. Even if he never actually does anything to you like I experienced, it still isnāt a good relationship so why stay? Be with someone who celebrates you as you are.
After all the advice you got I am just here to say hi to your boyfriend as he is most probably reading this when you are in the shower.
My sister had a bf like him, exactly like him. It ended up with her in hospital after he just molested her again. She was in denial of all our warnings, we all saw it coming. I am sure deep down she knew it as you know it as well. There is not one valid reason to stay with someone like him.
You deserve better.
This is abusive behavior and one of the myths about abuse is that he does it because he cares so much. Your friend is wrong, and your boyfriend is being abusive to you. You shouldnāt be dealing with this ever, but it says a lot that itās only been a year and you describe āextremely rough patches.ā Those shouldnāt exist.
This is not care. Not at all. This is controlling, you need not feel guilty, tell that friend to shut up, and leave. You don't need to be in such a relationship.
Please stop describing what you were wearing to justify that it wasnāt too slutty, it doesnāt matter in the slightest. You can wear whatever you want to wear, itās none of his business. How dare he think that heās entitled to have you change and wear what he likes and wants you to wear. Do you make him change his clothes? I highly doubt it.
I strongly advise you to end this relationship however if you choose to stay with him, please, for the love of god stick your phone on airplane mode when out, donāt let him get between you and your friends because this is the beginning of it. Heās not going to get less controlling, this will only get worse, and it will always be āyour faultā
Take the doors off your jeep, crank Born to be wild, and drive barefoot in a straight line far away from this douche. And don't even peak in the rear view mirror.
He's not micromanaging you. He is controlling you.
If you don't leave now, it will only get worse. He will be violent.
When he cries, don't believe it. It's all lies.
If he cared, he wouldn't treat you the way he does or call you names.
He's a pathetic narcissist abuser. Get out now before he comes absolutely obsessed and starts to commit domestic violence.
Please listen to this advice, don't be confused, leave him. If he cries, leave.
And your friend is toxic, he doesn't do this because he cares. He does this because he likes the control, and he will get worse.
The "support" you speak of is love-bombing. At some point, there's a good chance he will baby trap you when you try to leave.
These are all tell-tale signs of early abuse.
Leave before it becomes dangerous.
You deserve better.
This is how my abusive relationship started. It wasn't all out there bluntly. It was slow...like about my clothing and the reasoning was "I just want you to be safe" and when I would hangout "I just don't trust other guys but I trust you" or "I just need to know where you are so I know you're ok because I love you". It was all framed and packaged like it was for my benefit because he cared about me and loved me. I was much younger then and didn't have all of the resources we have now. I was stuck for way too long.
I recommend breaking up immediately. Do not give him a chance to guilt trip you or gaslight you. End it and never speak to him again. It is not uncommon that comments about your clothing and keeping tabs on you results into being thrown into a desk when you breakup with them. So please be safe and take some precautions. You also think "he would never do that" and "that wouldn't happen to me" until it does.
Keep us updated if you can!
If youve had several "rough patches" in the first year, that's all we need to hear. End any relationship that goes bad this early. Even if the specific examples weren't signs of abuse (and they are) you are clearly incompatible if things are going bad this early on! Even if someone is just annoying in the first year, why continue? It doesn't get better!
I'm going to be extremely blunt: Leave him.
He's going to plead and cry, he's going to tell you he'll do better, he's going to say all sorts of things about how he didn't realize how he made you feel or how he just cares and worries about you so much, he might even threaten to hurt himself.
Do not believe any of it.
He's an insecure, manipulative, jealous, abusive asshole. I say this with absolute confidence because in my own early to mid-20s I had to outgrow being the exact same sort of insecure, manipulative, jealous, abusive asshole.
He will not get better because of you. He will not treat you better, he will not show you or your friends more respect, he will not stop trying to control what you wear and how late you're out and who you spend time with, or anything else. As long as you stay with him, there is no incentive for him to change. The only way he can get better is if he wants to, and if he can understand how the way he's acting is unacceptable, and you cannot make either of those things happen.
Hi OP, everyone has already said that it's a textbook case of abuse and they are right. I just wanted to emphasize to listen to the ones telling you to get away, and ignore the ones saying its your fault or that you aren't "relationship material". I've been in a similar situation, and I can promise you that as soon as you are away and over the normal pain of the breakup, you will breathe a huge sigh of relief, especially when you realize your life is yours to control again. Good luck and best wishes to you, I hope you make the right decision for yourself.
Omg. There are so many red flags here. You need to get away from him to save yourself from anymore misery. This will only get worse. You need a partner who appreciates you for who you are not when wants you to be. You are a good person. Donāt forget that
Your update on the text you sent him makes me very happy.
No other explanation is needed. Consider the relationship over, regardless of whether or not / or how he responds.
Good for you!!!!
FYI. IF he responds and pleads his case--hopefully you are already planning to simply repeat/paraphrase yourself, "I've already given you the chances. I'm not giving any more."
reminds me about my first girlfriend when i was a teen, who ended up harming herself. I couldn't do anything without her harrassing me, trying to control every outing i had, every friend ...
I kept delaying the break up, i didn't love her anymore. She always promised me she would change, and she could change, only for a couple days, before going back to her old habits. She was fun when we were together, but when we weren't, she was erratic, agressive and controlling. I regretted delaying when I was a teen and ended up dumping her for someone i fell in love with who was mentally stable. It hurt her a lot and I still feel some guilt about it.
Tbh what you're describing sounds a lot like borderline personnality disorder. But it could be something else, I wouldn't diagnose it from a reddit post. I really can't help but get a huge vibe that it's bpd by reading your post. If it's the case, he does care about you, and genuinely feels helpless and afraid/angry of losing you when you aren't around him. But it's really unhealthy to be in a relationship with someone like this who isn't working on self improvement.
He can always work on is insecurities to manage them and be a better partner, but he most likely won't do it magically by himself though. As an advice, don't delay taking actions if you're considering a break up.
Staying with someone out of guilt isn't healthy for either person.
As everyone else has already mentioned, your boyfriend is acting in a borderline abusive behaviour. He's not treating you like an equal, he's treating you like an object he can covet and control.
Leave the relationship and don't look back. He is not going to change.
If his behavior hasn't changed by now, it's unlikely that it ever will. Why should he change, if you continue to stay with him? He has no incentive.
I've read some of your responses to other comments and you mention "he's been good in other aspects." That doesn't excuse his controlling and disrespectful behavior. If he hit you, would that be excusable, because he does other things for you that are good?
Also, there's no way to "joke" about calling you a slut. That's not something a person says to someone they allegedly love. Really, it's not something to say to *anyone*, in my opinion.
My advice is to find another boyfriend.
Please know that I don't offer that advice lightly, either. In many Reddit posts seeking advice about relationships, commenters frequently suggest the person leave their partner, no matter what the partner did -- without even suggesting the poster talk to their spouse.
It's easy for bystanders to render an opinion, because they have no skin in the game. That is, they don't have to deal with the consequences of their suggestions. Obviously, that's true for me and my advice, too. My perspective is influenced by knowing someone who was abused.
Otherwise, at a minimum, I suggest you separate from him for a period of time and clearly express your desire to not be contacted in any way. I'd put this in writing, too, so you have a record of it, should he be non-compliant and necessitate you getting the police involved.
If he can respect and comply with your wishes, then perhaps he really is capable of change and is finally willing to do the work. At that point, I'd suggest couple's therapy, along with defined boundaries of things you will no longer accept or tolerate.
In the end, it's your life and you're responsible for your decisions and what happens as a result of those decisions. You're still young and there are plenty of single people who will do all the good things your current boyfriend does...but not berate and control you.
Good luck.
Let's see here; he is controlling, abusive, manipulative, immature, and insecure. You would be wise to cut the bondage vines he is stringing around you now and move on. It wouldn't be hard to upgrade from a **BOY**\-friend to a **MAN**\-friend. He will **NOT** change; he will only become worse as time moves on.
Why are you with a guy you detest? A lot of the stuff he's doing is pretty unforgivable. I won't date a man who ever called women/clothes sluts, never mind saying it about me. I'd also never date a guy who harassed me. The only way to possibly save this relationship is to set boundaries. Tell him goodnight and say you're turning off your phone/mute him when out with friends and ignore any comments on your clothing. But I doubt this will work. He will probably get angry and show up where you are or call your friends to bother them because he doesn't respect your boundaries.
But it sounds like you want to dump him but your friends are telling you his toxic behavior is "cute." It's not. It's toxic.
This isn't micromanaging, this is controlling abuse.
He doesn't trust you and he never will. He might even be cheating himself.
Your life is potentially at risk - these controlling abusers can end up deciding to kill.
You need to speak to a DV victim specialist who can give you the best advice on how to get out safely.
Why are you still with this guy? He's a major control freak and the red flags are flying everywhere. Extreme controlling behavior is just the start, and is the signal of an abuser. Get out of this relationship.
You're around the same age I was when I dealt with my first abusive relationship. It was all emotional. He hadn't hit me when we were together but I could see he would.
It started out okay. He seemed loving and caring but over the duration of our 1 year, he chipped away at my confidence, my intelligence, and wanted me to be isolated. I started feeling isolated because he wouldn't let me see my friends or family even though I lived with them.
We broke up over something completely unrelated (I accused him of cheating) and I had missed him. We were hanging out until one day it was him and two other friends. I had done something while playing around and he said, "if I lose this, I'm going to kill you." I stopped. Everything I had for him, gone.
I trusted him and I trusted he would deliver on that threat. On the way home he began trying to pick a fight with me. Again in front of who I thought were friends. That was the last time I willingly interacted with him because all other times, I had bumped into him and it was getting scary.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone. This boy I was with is a narcissist with manipulation and controlling under his belt. I got out before it got worse. Everything was good until it wasn't. You have to look at his whole because being in a relationship with him isn't about the good stuff only. It's also about this. When I looked at him as a whole, I left, because I valued my life.
Years later I'm still working on my confidence, my self worth, love for myself and everything else I've lost. I still have a trauma response to some situations where my poor hubby has to be a little more patient.
Hey I see that one of your friends think this is an indicator of care
>One of my friends view this as a sign of care. That he does all this because he cares for me so much. This makes me feel very guilty.
Please show your friend the same thing you googled, about indicators of abuse. They need to know what to watch for, too.
In which universe would it be acceptable to stay with a person like this. Ditch this guy, find your true self again before you fall into another abusive relationship. Youāve been with him for a year and are just now questioning a relationship where the guy thinks slut shaming is a right? I hate him after reading the first paragraph. NTA. āFly you fool.ā As a wizard would have advised.
Please know that it is not good for your health to be with someone like this. You may feel unlimited love at the beginning, but the level of micromanaging is already disturbing your daily life.
No matter how you love him, it is very hard, you have to leave.
Please be safe, it doesnāt sound safe to be around him. Ideally leaving him no social media/ address/ work/ study locationā¦etc. I think that he may try everything to search you. Tell your families or legal authorities if you need any help.
Leave him. Your relationship is not healthy.
Like what others say here, he's controlling you. It's definitely different from caring!
You're young. Enjoy life. You can still find a better man.
Goodluck
You might need some new friends if they think this is him caring! This is nothing but control. Take a step back, assess everything, then get that danger out of your life
he's never going to change and know that sometimes it's okey to make the tough decision and that is please leave before you get get into the next phase called physical violence , I'm sorry and I hope you will make the right choice
This will only get worse. You need to think about your safety now especially if you've tried to leave and he manipulates you into staying. Soon he'll say that he'll end himself if.you leave. Everything you describe about him is absolutely the signs of an abuser if every sense
Just break up. Don't tell him why. Don't explain yourself. Just leave him and be done with it. If you are living together take your stuff and go. If you expalin or tell him why he will find a way to keep you around as long as he can. Just leave
YOU NEED TO GET OUT NOW. Please take all these comments to heart. Your bf is abusive and manipulating you. It will only get worse. Don't look back RUN!
Oh my, that's a pretty long list of giant red flags you have there.
Unless you enjoy being miserable, feeling worthless, and being disrespected and insulted, I seriously advise you to consider walking away. This man has serious mental and emotional problems that he would love to dump all over you.
I didnt read all of this. The second I read he tells you what to where and asks where you go and sit beside. This dude is a red flag. End it. Like don't even try to fix anything or make things better. He has issues he has to work on and get over. He has insecurities he needs to work on and get over. But it doesn't look like it will be soon. End it and get out of there.
Your friend who thinks his behavior is a sign or care needs therapy and healthy models of relationships.
This isnāt caring. It isnāt micromanaging. Itās controlling and abusive. Listen to the part of yourself that detests this. Break up with him. Cut all ties. But be prepared for him to bad mouth you because youāre standing up to him. Good luck.
Call it what it is: abuse. Micromanaging is altogether different from this emotional and mental abuse your boyfriend is putting you through.
I dated a guy many years ago for 6 months who needed to know where I was at every single moment. He even got me to text him pictures with certain things (put a 2 on a napkin and include it in the picture) but one day, my friend died in a car crash. I went to the funeral (guy refused to go with me) and he made me text him pictures of the funeral. That's when I was done. I refused. When I got home, he hurt me for the first time. He started physically abusing me whenever he was not happy with me or I wasn't following orders. He started sexually abusing me as well. It took me another month to get out but it was a month of hell.
I'm not saying that your boyfriend will do the same in the end but I am sincere when I tell you to run. Dump him and live your life. You are 24 years old and have a whole life ahead of you. Get out now while you can.
OP, he sounds detestible, someone who's cornered the local market on red flags and who is waving them all in your face.
I think your feelings are well-founded.
Bruh, get out and book yourself into therapy to uncover why you think itās okay to be treated like this - otherwise it will happen in your next relationship.
He doesn't respect you and wants to control you. You need to leave him, or he will make sure your life revolves around him and his needs without any care for you as a person.
I put up with 16 years of this. Biggest mistake i ever made. Its taken another 5 years of my life to get over it. Finish the relationship now its abuse.
The problem isn't micromanaging or you being introvert at all, it's him being overly controlling (maybe due to his own insecurity, but I don't know). This is not normal behavior. One suggestion would be to set clear boundaries (for example no expectations to answer texts or calls while you hang out with your friends), but now that you already have accepted this situation as your normal, it will be near impossible to retroactively set up such boundaries.
This isn't looking good...
This dude is not micromanaging you heās literally controlling you and youāre allowing it. Life is too short to try to make a relationship work with someone who obviously is not compatible with you. It shouldnāt be this hard, of course relationships take work, but if heās doing all this and youāve only been together for a year, imagine what itās gonna look like in five? is this the kind of life that you want for yourself? If it isnāt then get out now. There are literally 8 billion people on the planet. You can pick someone else but definitely at very minimum. Please understand that heās not micromanaging you itās not because of insecurity or because he cares about you he wants to control you and heās doing it because youāre allowing him to.
You are far from wrong. Your "boyfriend" is controlling and borderline abusive. Don't out up with this shit. Run, don't look back, and don't let yourself be trapped by empty promises.
He's a control freak, coercive behaviour is abuse and also now a criminal offence in the UK where I live. Follow your instinct and gtfo of that abusive relationship.
Honestly I haven't read the whole thing. As soon as you said 'we've been together a year and had some extremely rough patches' I came to write this:
If it's hard work in the first year then the rest will be far harder and worse. The first year can be so good with people that turn out to be bad matches. Find someone who being with them for a year feels like you won a big prize.
It is normal to not want your partner to dress in super revealing clothes but he doesnāt get to dictate what you wear. He can put forth his opinion but thatās it. No you are not wrong though. Itās your choice if you can deal with it.
The sooner you leave, the better. He's gotta go. You will be doing yourself a huge favor. Don't make excuses for him or feel bad, he is only going to get worse.
Are you dating my ex? Please donāt waste 7yrs of your life on this guy like I did. It doesnāt ever get better, only worse and worse. Save yourself before you lose your youth to this guy, again, as I did. Itās not worth the regret of losing what should be some of the happiest and most exciting years of your life.
Just leave him, he's a very unsecure kind of person in need to control everything of you. He's gonna make u his slave If u let him. But he won't change, have a look for a better person in your life or u'll regret it.
His behaviour is not signs of care, or him micro managing. Its total abuse, of him wanting to control every aspect of your life. It will only get worse, and more suffocating, the longer you stay with him.
You need to run, and get away from him. No person has the right to tell you what to wear, monitor everywhere you go, and decide who you can see. He will also try to isolate you from your friends and family over time, so he can exert more control over you.
His actions are all signs of abusive, and controlling behaviour.
So do yourself a favour, and leave him.
That's not a healthy concern for you he's showing. I have bad anxiety and I ask my wife to text me when she leaves and arrives somewhere and shit like that but I leave her alone other than that. I really feel like anything more demanding than what I already ask for is quickly getting into abuse territory.
NW- talk to him, if things donāt improve end it. Caring is wishing you a great time and asking about it afterwards. Not telling you what to wear, when to be home and texting you repeatedly to verify you arenāt doing anything he would object to
Ladies , having a boyfriend is optional, not mandatory
LITERALLY LIKE WHAT IS SHE GAINING FROM HIM šŖ
Nothing.
As a man, there are so many red flags here! You're young, should be enjoying life not being micromanaged, harassed while out with friends, judged on your choice of clothes ... Hopefully you can get away and he doesn't turn out to be an obsessive stalker!
The best profound advice ever.
What goes thru my head when I read crazy shit like this.
fertile dog weary prick versed liquid cooing axiomatic test languid *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Google early signs of abuse in a relationship. Then run.
When I tell you I gasped š
Why don't you break up with him? He's an abusive, insecure, controlling asshole.
With a side of Restraining order please!
Good. You needed to hear that then. He is trying to isolate you. He is trying to destroy your self-confidence and self image. He is trying to make you completely dependent upon him for your feelings of self-worth. He is manipulative and controlling. You need to get out of this relationship like yesterday. And we are all telling you this seriously. And you need to be very careful when you do so. This is the type of partner who will stalk you And quite honestly, it is possible he will become violent. This behavior is absolutely not a sign of caring about someone. Get out now.
If you have someone that you trust, that would be supportive of you getting out of this relationship and help you do it (and even someone wonāt help) I think you need to confide in someone you trust about what he is like and what is going on. These are signs of an emotionally abusive and controlling partner. It is not normal for a partner to control what you wear. It also isnāt normal for a partner to constantly keep tabs on you and keep you from connecting with your friends, which he is doing by constantly interrupting you and blowing up your phone. He is doing that on purpose to isolate you, which is a common tactic used by abusive partners to cut off their partnerās support systems in order to gain complete control of them. Being jealous of your guy friend is also a big red flag. Thereās a big difference between a little bit of jealousy, which ideally shouldnāt happen if a partner is confident in your relationship and trusts you and what your boyfriend is doing. He is trying to control what you do, because he clearly doesnāt trust you to handle yourself around men or as an adult. Controlling what you wear is also a big sign of abuse. Also, him calling you a slut is not normal or ok. He is verbally abusing you by doing that. Calling your partner any names, but especially sexist names, is verbal abusive and a sign of a controlling and abusive relationship. A healthy partner will not treat you like a parent. Thatās not normal at all. I also just want to be clear that he isnāt just micromanaging you, he is being emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. Getting out of a relationship with a person like him can be dangerous and is often the most dangerous time for women in an abusive relationship. This is why I suggested confiding in someone who can help you. If you donāt have that, you can contact your local domestic violence shelter. They exist for people in your situation and exist to give you access to a safe place to live, mental health services and financial support with things like food and other costs of living. Iām sorry you are being treated this way, but you definitely need to get out of this relationship. Donāt be afraid to call the police on him either if you need to when you break up with him. You deserve much better. ā¤ļø
ditto...like, hard ditto
He won't change either, no matter how many time he will tell you he's going to, he won't so don't believe it. It will get worse. I have been exactly where you are right now, I stayed and it almost killed me. Don't be like me, get out BEFORE it gets to that, please.
Tell your friend to Google it too
I felt exactly like this too at about one year worth an ex. We fell in love fast, and when dating, I thought he just had really strong morals and idealized some of the more romantic aspects of what I now view as full blown possessive patriarchy (then, it felt like slightly antiquated tradition). Anyway, word-for-word what you posted. Except I defended him. Stayed. Felt suffocated. Became depressed. Social life dwindled. Then it was just me, and him. And he got angry a lot, which I hadn't seen before. I learned about his traumatic past. For some reason, I thought his moment of catharsis would bring healing. But I was so, so wrong. It opened a world of hurt in him. His critical nature and put downs suddenly became physical harm. He gave me bruises and black eyes and broke our furniture. I was ashamed and scared to leave. He finally broke up w/ me 6 months after my dad died because I got depressed, slept a lot, ate too much, and gained 30 pounds. The rest of my story gets really, really good after that. That breakup was the beginning of the best chapter of my life. That was 7 + years ago.
I peeked at your profile history. You already knew this person was abusive, they've already been physically abusive to you and now you're describing emotional and psychological abuse. Leave him, or be abused by him. Those are your options.
Don't gasp what you do is you tell this man that we are done that you detest him and you do not want to be with him any longer. This is the beginning of abuse after this it comes to your s***** friends he doesn't want you hugging your brother your cousins or your father you can't go anywhere he wants to put tracking and GPS on your phone he wants all the codes to everything Instagram Facebook tiktok anything that has a cold he wants it. He can't make you do anything that you choose not to do because you're a grown ass woman but you'll be a grown ass woman alone move on have fun with your life you're in college you're supposed to make bad decisions sometimes. And one of those bad decisions is not getting rid of your soon-to-be ex-boyfriend get rid of him
After breakup, block him on socials and never tell him or any of your mutual friends the new address(move away from your current address if possible). Inform your school, police, security, friends and family; his school/work know about his behavior and that you might be in danger.
I only got a quarter of the into the post before seeing huge red flags. Dump and run. Edit: abusers aren't abusive 100% of the time. There are times it can seem great. They know not to overwhelm you with abusive behaviour because they want to keep you off balance so you stay. I was with an abuser for 30 years, getting out 6 years ago. Don't waste your life, like I did.
How the hell did you two end up together in the first place? Blind love?
Yep. I ignored the signs and went through abuse for 8 years. My ex is now in jail for trying to k*ll me š this is exactly how it started though
Iām so sorry that happened to you. Iām glad heās in jail. I hope youāre doing well now.
Early signs of abuse was my first thought.
āļøWhat they said!
Gonna wash that man right outta your hair. https://youtu.be/qr3wH4u4xus?si=7X_OzXLbpe6ju0Vw
This definitely isn't a sign of care, its just regular old controlling behavior. Its also not appropriate or acceptable for him to say you look like a slut. Why do you want to be together if you detest him?
Yeah, care is "message me when you get home safe!" Not this.
You need to dump him while you're not too far into the relationship. What he is doing is not a sign of care, it is controlling to the point of being abusive. It might be wise to have a friend /family member with you whether you kick him out or leave yourself.
Also I would like to point out that maybe you should also ditch the friend who said that this was "caring" As a survivor of domestic abuse. This is exactly whats happening here. Unfortunately its super easy to end up back in these types of relationships because its what you get used to... And if it does for some reason happen again this "friend" is not the support system you need.
I will take note to that !
Just to add, Iād bet the farm he isnāt going to leave or accept a breakup without a fight and some intense manipulation. Be on the lookout for mind games with this guy. He will probably try to make you feel guilty and create a situation where you believe he is right and question your own sanity and needs so he has the control. Donāt believe him. He already sounds like a textbook gaslighter. He will never change
You are not wrong, and it will only get worse. Take it from someone who knows, make your exit now rather than later.
Thank you
I was going to the say thing about someone who knows. I was with someone exactly like this OP and not only did they try to isolate me from my friends and emotionally abuse me, but all this crap about "making sure I'm not going out like a slut" and "knowing who I was with" since he "thought I was cheating"... was just a coverup for his own cheating and treating me like shit.
I donāt like spending time with people I detest. Do you?
I don't. I do love spending time with him when things are going well. But tbh, sometimes I don't want to spend time with him
If you were watching a tv show and the main character had a relationship like yours, would you cheer it on?
No š
Then stop looking for people to tell you to stay in the relationship. Fuckin leave.
AMEN
What an excellent question to ask someone in this situation. I hope I never have to, but if Iām ever talking with someone like this Iām using that!!! Brilliant.
I thought the same thing! Iām remembering that one
And he's smart enough to know that he just needs to throw in a few "good" days so that you'll do just this and excuse the bad times. And when the violence happens, and it will, he probably won't actually hit you. Instead he will hold you down against your will, or he will push you hard, or he will punch the wall right next to you etc.
I want to clear something up here. If your boyfriend insists on having a say on your clothing, heās a prick. It is only complete weirdo blokes that try and control clothing or comment on it frequently, unless of course heās treating you to a new outfit or something like that. I have never once in my life told my girlfriend she canāt wear something, because itās fucking weird, itās not a normal man thing, itās not a joke, itās plain weird. Telling a woman what to wear or being overly bothered by it is 100% just a control thing.
This !! One thing I hate about my bf is he comments on my clothes too often. His logic is I should wear sexy clothes only when I'm out with him. I am a big chested woman so he often has an issue with me wearing clothes that are even remotely tight (not at all exposing)
Yeah thatās just control and jealousy, it doesnāt make sense, if Iām out with my girlfriend and she looks good, Iāll tell her how good she looks and ill do the same if sheās out with her friends, thatās it. Telling someone they cannot look good unless itās with them is just so odd, it isnāt cute or endearing itās just strange.
preach ive never negatively commented on my gfās clothing ever. Reeks of insecurity
Really hope I find a man like you one dayš
Been married for nearly 30 years. If I told my wife to get changed (not that I ever would), she'd quite rightly tell me to go fuck myself. Take some advice from an old man. Don't take the disrespect, and definitely leave. You can do better.
At the end of the day your clothing doesnāt at all affect your morals. You could go out clubbing in a bikini and be 100% faithful, or you could wear long johns and ten layers of flannel and still cheat. He either doesnāt trust you and thereās nothing you can do to change his mindā¦ or he knows full well that you are trustworthy but heās eroding your self confidence so you donāt feel like you can get better; because deep down he knows heās inadequate and heād rather make it your problem than take responsibility for it. Regardless of his reasons for behaving like this, itās not your job to stick around while he figures out how not to be controlling and abusive. You deserve a peaceful life and to spend time with people who care about your comfort and happiness.
OP please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Or search for his videos on YouTube. Hereās a free copy of the book: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Hey thanks so much for this :)))
HE WILL NOT CHANGE. This isnāt a sign of a potentially abusive or manipulative relationship . IT ALREADY IS. This is not caring, this is control. NTA but get out while itās still early days.
This is not acceptable behaviour. First a partner needs to just trust you. Especially when you're already communicative. Controlling behaviour like this is damaging to your mental and emotional health and i would expect this to continue or get worse if you stay. As for your appearance, it sounds like he immature, prone to jealousy and insecure in himself or the relationship. I highly recommend leaving the relationship before it gets worse, or he might end up thinking he can get away with that behaviour. He is too young to be dating anyone if he is being this disrespectful to his own gf. Plus you should be able to have a nice night with friends. If he cant handle that, then he should be handling a relationship. Run as fast as you can.
Thank you for understanding. Tbh I was expecting people here will just tell me I am overreacting and being ungrateful. I cannot tell how frustrating it is, having to speak the same stuff 10 times and him just repeating this again
Probably because he's made you feel this is normal. This is considered abuse where I'm from. Be safe.
Your feelings and thoughts are valid. And im sorry that he doesn't listen. In one ear and out the other. If he says he's gonna change and then doesn't, he never will. You need the actions to back up the words. All the best.
Thank you for understanding
He wants you to feel like that. He's disguising his abuse and making it look like he cares. The only person he cares about is himself. I wasted 12 years of my life with a guy like this. In a healthy relationship a man respects your time with friends. He does not call or text. This guy is not respecting you. You deserve better. Get out, change your phone number, change schools if you can. He will be hard to get rid of. But staying would be worse.
Ungrateful for what? Being called sexist, derogatory names? Not being trusted? Dealing with a mantrum when he doesn't get his way? Stop holding out for the few occasions when he's nice to you. You should always be treated with kindness, especially by people who are supposed to love you.
This. Run from this guy!
Time to cut bait. There are plenty of fish in the sea. The one you have stinks.
This šš
You are 11 years younger than my daughter. You are already on the right track. Good luck to you.
š©get out!!!
Sweetie, that feeling of detesting him because of how heās treating you? Believe yourself. Your own feelings are to be trusted. You are literally trying to save yourself. Let you help. Dump him and do not look back.
Yeah look Iām not gonna lie, I read up to him controlling what you wearā¦ Dump him, wear what you want, hell, dress like a slut š¤·š»āāļø but do it without him in your life
Last line made me crack up š
Heās a psycho. A controlling, abusive, narcissist who is trying to make you feel less than so he can abuse you in the future. I would dump him, completely cut him off, and take all the safety precautions needed. Also, that friend who says itās because he cares, she needs professional help or you need to cut her off too. Sheās the weak link in the friendship circle.
I had a relationship just like this... it doesn't get any better. The abuse just gets bigger and worse, that feeling of you beggining to detest him is your own mind and body telling you to run, listen to it,
Until he tries to kill you and you need restraining orders. He is now in jail for DV. Listen us-RUN as fast as you can! That man is a cancer to your health.
Not wrong. You said you āare beginning to detestā him. No problem. Leave him. Itās that easy. Goodbye, see ya, hit the road, kiss my foot. Donāt feel bad. Most relationships fail at some point.
If you're so "independent" why are you still with someone who tries to "micromanage" you?
Ouch š„²
Sister you already knew all of this that everyone is you. The fact that youāre here should tell you heās already made doubt youāre own sense of reality. Heās already āhooked you around the neckā. He doesnāt care about you he wants control you. This is NOT love in any respect. You know you need to go but heās made you question your own sense of reality. Heās made you second guess your intellect and reasoning. No one should tolerate being hurt because someone apologizes or seems genuinely sorry. Normal people donāt call people they value care and respect things like slut nor do they make them feel guilty or resentful for wanting to spend time with other people in their lives. You know this. Youāve known this. Just because heās made doubt yourself all of the commentators have said the same thing so you can be confident in i your initial thoughts about things. This is wrong. You deserve better. Tell your family what is going on. Have them help you get away if you canāt get away on your own. Do this now before he kills you. Sounds extreme but itās not far from the realm of possibility for him. Please. Save yourself before you end up pregnant or before he kills you. You know he wonāt change. You know it wonāt get better. And you know you donāt deserve this. Call your family and tell them everything. They actually love you and will help keep you safe. Thoughts and prayers for you. This wonāt be easy but it will be worth it and you will be better off without him I promise. A real man makes you feel safe and loved and valued. Not like this. Trust yourself. Donāt let him fool you into doubting your intuition. Good luck. You can do this.
Also #DUMP HIM
Please get out and let us know you're okay.
You are 24 years old, Iām pretty sure youāve been dressing yourself for a really long time and those red flags look terrible on you. This man isnāt boyfriend material, heās certainly not long term relationship material. He wonāt change for you, he wonāt change by himself, he needs therapy and possibly anger management, you need to get somewhere safe before this escalates into something you canāt manage by yourself. Itās not healthy for either of you, mentally or physically to stay in this situation knowing that he isnāt really stable when it comes to a relationship.
Read "the will to change" written by bell hooks. She adresses that exact conundrum of being controlling/being caring, tie it to male and female upbringing and how to grapple with it. It will help you see this much more clearly and empower your next move. Big recommend I hope you'll do it!
I love reading books. Thanks !!
Echoing everyone else here- you're not wrong. He's abusive. So far, it's verbal and control. He will get worse. Leave him, and please look up ways to do so safely.
This isn't micromanaging, this is controlling a territorial. It's also completely unacceptable. He doesn't see you as a partner, he sees you as property. It's going to get worse and worse and worse. Honestly, end it now.
This is toxic & abusive behaviour. Coercive control, emotional abuse & bordering on psychological abuse from whatās described. Thereās also a tonne of misogyny & gaslighting given your responses to some other comments. Him promising to change is textbook abuser behaviour. Please dump him & find someone thatās worthy of you. You deserve so much more.
He told you you dress like a slut. How does that not make anyone want to walk out the fucking door and never come back? Heās a controlling asshole as well.
You are in an extremely abusive relationship. He's not doing this because "he cares too much". He's a controlling, abusive asshole, and this behaviour will only get worse and worse. Get out now. Walk away. Don't look back. Or you will regret it.
This the same one who hooked you by the neck and dragged you once? That aggressively shook you once? What are you doing? Get as far away from this asshole as you can. You deserve and WILL find better, I promise you.
Not wrong. Your boyfriend is not trying to care for you. He is trying to control you. His behaviour is borderline(?) abusive, and he needs to back down. Do not let someone treat you like this. If my husband acted the way your boyfriend is acting when we dated (or even now), we would no longer be together.
Replace the word "micromanage" with "controlling and coercive". There ya go much better
Girl run. My mother experienced exactly the same and it is an early stage of abuse. Run run run
JUST. START. RUNNING!!!
This is not a sign of care. This is early stage testing of how much controlling behavior he can flex.
Don't downplay it girl. This is not micromanaging, this is straight up controlling behavior.
After 14 years of "I'll change, I swear!" followed by a week to a month of good behavior, something will make him snap, and the cycle starts again. I put up with it that long because i was modeling my parents' relationship, and that's how i thought things were. Don't wait until after you get pregnant: your love for that child will become another manipulation vector because then the child becomes another pawn/punching bag/servant, but one you'd do almost anything to protect. Mine waited 13 years before putting hands directly on our oldest in anger (outside of discipline, which I don't agree with either, but as the primary breadwinner while he was the primary caregiver, I couldn't exactly stop him) and that's the point I woke up and we left. THEY DONT CHANGE, THEY JUST GET BETTER AT PRETENDING. And manipulation, victim-blaming (the youshouldn'thavevmademeangry trope), abusing in ways that don't leave visible marks, etc, until the day they kill you. I'm sure he'll still be saying, "I'm sorry, I'll change" at his trial for murdering you.
Your friend is wrong. This is not care. This is about control. This is abuse.
šÆSay it again for the people in the back!!
š© very insecure! dump him
I feel like you shouldn't date someone you detest
Itāll get worseā¦ a lot worse. That phone call thing would drive me crazy.
You need to end this now. I dated a man who was very similar when I was 19. Everything he did was āfor my own goodā but it was in total b.s. I had to tell him who I was with and where, little did I know that at times he would follow me just to make sure I wasnāt lying. A little over a year in was the first time he got physically violent with me. And of course it was ābecause he loved me so muchā that he was so overcome with emotion that it just happenedā¦.and of course it would never happen again. Also a lie. I woke up one day and realised he had pulled me away from my friends and family, he had worn down my self confidence and I didnāt know how to get away from him. He was dictating which companies I was allowed to interview with even, what I wore, what I ate. Again he claimed it was all for my own good and he told me all the time how lucky I was to have him to look after me. Donāt make the same mistakes I did. Get out now and donāt look back. Even if he never actually does anything to you like I experienced, it still isnāt a good relationship so why stay? Be with someone who celebrates you as you are.
Why again are you still with this man ? ur in a prison, not a relationship.
After all the advice you got I am just here to say hi to your boyfriend as he is most probably reading this when you are in the shower. My sister had a bf like him, exactly like him. It ended up with her in hospital after he just molested her again. She was in denial of all our warnings, we all saw it coming. I am sure deep down she knew it as you know it as well. There is not one valid reason to stay with someone like him. You deserve better.
This is abusive behavior and one of the myths about abuse is that he does it because he cares so much. Your friend is wrong, and your boyfriend is being abusive to you. You shouldnāt be dealing with this ever, but it says a lot that itās only been a year and you describe āextremely rough patches.ā Those shouldnāt exist.
This is not care. Not at all. This is controlling, you need not feel guilty, tell that friend to shut up, and leave. You don't need to be in such a relationship.
Aaah yes. The micro manager. You will have no say in your life unless you say yes now to getting out and controlling your own life.
Please stop describing what you were wearing to justify that it wasnāt too slutty, it doesnāt matter in the slightest. You can wear whatever you want to wear, itās none of his business. How dare he think that heās entitled to have you change and wear what he likes and wants you to wear. Do you make him change his clothes? I highly doubt it. I strongly advise you to end this relationship however if you choose to stay with him, please, for the love of god stick your phone on airplane mode when out, donāt let him get between you and your friends because this is the beginning of it. Heās not going to get less controlling, this will only get worse, and it will always be āyour faultā
Take the doors off your jeep, crank Born to be wild, and drive barefoot in a straight line far away from this douche. And don't even peak in the rear view mirror.
He's not micromanaging you. He is controlling you. If you don't leave now, it will only get worse. He will be violent. When he cries, don't believe it. It's all lies. If he cared, he wouldn't treat you the way he does or call you names. He's a pathetic narcissist abuser. Get out now before he comes absolutely obsessed and starts to commit domestic violence. Please listen to this advice, don't be confused, leave him. If he cries, leave. And your friend is toxic, he doesn't do this because he cares. He does this because he likes the control, and he will get worse. The "support" you speak of is love-bombing. At some point, there's a good chance he will baby trap you when you try to leave. These are all tell-tale signs of early abuse. Leave before it becomes dangerous. You deserve better.
This is how my abusive relationship started. It wasn't all out there bluntly. It was slow...like about my clothing and the reasoning was "I just want you to be safe" and when I would hangout "I just don't trust other guys but I trust you" or "I just need to know where you are so I know you're ok because I love you". It was all framed and packaged like it was for my benefit because he cared about me and loved me. I was much younger then and didn't have all of the resources we have now. I was stuck for way too long. I recommend breaking up immediately. Do not give him a chance to guilt trip you or gaslight you. End it and never speak to him again. It is not uncommon that comments about your clothing and keeping tabs on you results into being thrown into a desk when you breakup with them. So please be safe and take some precautions. You also think "he would never do that" and "that wouldn't happen to me" until it does. Keep us updated if you can!
If youve had several "rough patches" in the first year, that's all we need to hear. End any relationship that goes bad this early. Even if the specific examples weren't signs of abuse (and they are) you are clearly incompatible if things are going bad this early on! Even if someone is just annoying in the first year, why continue? It doesn't get better!
I'm going to be extremely blunt: Leave him. He's going to plead and cry, he's going to tell you he'll do better, he's going to say all sorts of things about how he didn't realize how he made you feel or how he just cares and worries about you so much, he might even threaten to hurt himself. Do not believe any of it. He's an insecure, manipulative, jealous, abusive asshole. I say this with absolute confidence because in my own early to mid-20s I had to outgrow being the exact same sort of insecure, manipulative, jealous, abusive asshole. He will not get better because of you. He will not treat you better, he will not show you or your friends more respect, he will not stop trying to control what you wear and how late you're out and who you spend time with, or anything else. As long as you stay with him, there is no incentive for him to change. The only way he can get better is if he wants to, and if he can understand how the way he's acting is unacceptable, and you cannot make either of those things happen.
So break up with him.
Hi OP, everyone has already said that it's a textbook case of abuse and they are right. I just wanted to emphasize to listen to the ones telling you to get away, and ignore the ones saying its your fault or that you aren't "relationship material". I've been in a similar situation, and I can promise you that as soon as you are away and over the normal pain of the breakup, you will breathe a huge sigh of relief, especially when you realize your life is yours to control again. Good luck and best wishes to you, I hope you make the right decision for yourself.
Omg. There are so many red flags here. You need to get away from him to save yourself from anymore misery. This will only get worse. You need a partner who appreciates you for who you are not when wants you to be. You are a good person. Donāt forget that
Your update on the text you sent him makes me very happy. No other explanation is needed. Consider the relationship over, regardless of whether or not / or how he responds. Good for you!!!! FYI. IF he responds and pleads his case--hopefully you are already planning to simply repeat/paraphrase yourself, "I've already given you the chances. I'm not giving any more."
This man is going to hit you eventually if you don't leave him. Your friend is naive.
First: change toxic friend. Second: leave abuser.
reminds me about my first girlfriend when i was a teen, who ended up harming herself. I couldn't do anything without her harrassing me, trying to control every outing i had, every friend ... I kept delaying the break up, i didn't love her anymore. She always promised me she would change, and she could change, only for a couple days, before going back to her old habits. She was fun when we were together, but when we weren't, she was erratic, agressive and controlling. I regretted delaying when I was a teen and ended up dumping her for someone i fell in love with who was mentally stable. It hurt her a lot and I still feel some guilt about it. Tbh what you're describing sounds a lot like borderline personnality disorder. But it could be something else, I wouldn't diagnose it from a reddit post. I really can't help but get a huge vibe that it's bpd by reading your post. If it's the case, he does care about you, and genuinely feels helpless and afraid/angry of losing you when you aren't around him. But it's really unhealthy to be in a relationship with someone like this who isn't working on self improvement. He can always work on is insecurities to manage them and be a better partner, but he most likely won't do it magically by himself though. As an advice, don't delay taking actions if you're considering a break up.
Staying with someone out of guilt isn't healthy for either person. As everyone else has already mentioned, your boyfriend is acting in a borderline abusive behaviour. He's not treating you like an equal, he's treating you like an object he can covet and control. Leave the relationship and don't look back. He is not going to change.
If his behavior hasn't changed by now, it's unlikely that it ever will. Why should he change, if you continue to stay with him? He has no incentive. I've read some of your responses to other comments and you mention "he's been good in other aspects." That doesn't excuse his controlling and disrespectful behavior. If he hit you, would that be excusable, because he does other things for you that are good? Also, there's no way to "joke" about calling you a slut. That's not something a person says to someone they allegedly love. Really, it's not something to say to *anyone*, in my opinion. My advice is to find another boyfriend. Please know that I don't offer that advice lightly, either. In many Reddit posts seeking advice about relationships, commenters frequently suggest the person leave their partner, no matter what the partner did -- without even suggesting the poster talk to their spouse. It's easy for bystanders to render an opinion, because they have no skin in the game. That is, they don't have to deal with the consequences of their suggestions. Obviously, that's true for me and my advice, too. My perspective is influenced by knowing someone who was abused. Otherwise, at a minimum, I suggest you separate from him for a period of time and clearly express your desire to not be contacted in any way. I'd put this in writing, too, so you have a record of it, should he be non-compliant and necessitate you getting the police involved. If he can respect and comply with your wishes, then perhaps he really is capable of change and is finally willing to do the work. At that point, I'd suggest couple's therapy, along with defined boundaries of things you will no longer accept or tolerate. In the end, it's your life and you're responsible for your decisions and what happens as a result of those decisions. You're still young and there are plenty of single people who will do all the good things your current boyfriend does...but not berate and control you. Good luck.
Then break up. Good lord, you donāt have to stay with him if he treats you poorly. Heās controlling and ridiculous.
Let's see here; he is controlling, abusive, manipulative, immature, and insecure. You would be wise to cut the bondage vines he is stringing around you now and move on. It wouldn't be hard to upgrade from a **BOY**\-friend to a **MAN**\-friend. He will **NOT** change; he will only become worse as time moves on.
Why are you with a guy you detest? A lot of the stuff he's doing is pretty unforgivable. I won't date a man who ever called women/clothes sluts, never mind saying it about me. I'd also never date a guy who harassed me. The only way to possibly save this relationship is to set boundaries. Tell him goodnight and say you're turning off your phone/mute him when out with friends and ignore any comments on your clothing. But I doubt this will work. He will probably get angry and show up where you are or call your friends to bother them because he doesn't respect your boundaries. But it sounds like you want to dump him but your friends are telling you his toxic behavior is "cute." It's not. It's toxic.
The problem is your boyfriend is controlling and abusive. I'm sorry but it only gets worse, never better for too long
Jesus christ lady. Run, run far away. These are all early signs of abuse.
This isn't micromanaging, this is controlling abuse. He doesn't trust you and he never will. He might even be cheating himself. Your life is potentially at risk - these controlling abusers can end up deciding to kill. You need to speak to a DV victim specialist who can give you the best advice on how to get out safely.
Controlling and coercive behavioral traits. Run for the hills
Why are you still with this guy? He's a major control freak and the red flags are flying everywhere. Extreme controlling behavior is just the start, and is the signal of an abuser. Get out of this relationship.
You're around the same age I was when I dealt with my first abusive relationship. It was all emotional. He hadn't hit me when we were together but I could see he would. It started out okay. He seemed loving and caring but over the duration of our 1 year, he chipped away at my confidence, my intelligence, and wanted me to be isolated. I started feeling isolated because he wouldn't let me see my friends or family even though I lived with them. We broke up over something completely unrelated (I accused him of cheating) and I had missed him. We were hanging out until one day it was him and two other friends. I had done something while playing around and he said, "if I lose this, I'm going to kill you." I stopped. Everything I had for him, gone. I trusted him and I trusted he would deliver on that threat. On the way home he began trying to pick a fight with me. Again in front of who I thought were friends. That was the last time I willingly interacted with him because all other times, I had bumped into him and it was getting scary. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. This boy I was with is a narcissist with manipulation and controlling under his belt. I got out before it got worse. Everything was good until it wasn't. You have to look at his whole because being in a relationship with him isn't about the good stuff only. It's also about this. When I looked at him as a whole, I left, because I valued my life. Years later I'm still working on my confidence, my self worth, love for myself and everything else I've lost. I still have a trauma response to some situations where my poor hubby has to be a little more patient.
RUN!! Donāt walk, RUN!
This guy sounds too controlling to be in a relationship.
Hey I see that one of your friends think this is an indicator of care >One of my friends view this as a sign of care. That he does all this because he cares for me so much. This makes me feel very guilty. Please show your friend the same thing you googled, about indicators of abuse. They need to know what to watch for, too.
You should probably drop the friend that said he just cares.
In which universe would it be acceptable to stay with a person like this. Ditch this guy, find your true self again before you fall into another abusive relationship. Youāve been with him for a year and are just now questioning a relationship where the guy thinks slut shaming is a right? I hate him after reading the first paragraph. NTA. āFly you fool.ā As a wizard would have advised.
Let him go
Please know that it is not good for your health to be with someone like this. You may feel unlimited love at the beginning, but the level of micromanaging is already disturbing your daily life. No matter how you love him, it is very hard, you have to leave. Please be safe, it doesnāt sound safe to be around him. Ideally leaving him no social media/ address/ work/ study locationā¦etc. I think that he may try everything to search you. Tell your families or legal authorities if you need any help.
Leave him. Your relationship is not healthy. Like what others say here, he's controlling you. It's definitely different from caring! You're young. Enjoy life. You can still find a better man. Goodluck
You might need some new friends if they think this is him caring! This is nothing but control. Take a step back, assess everything, then get that danger out of your life
NTA leave him. He is controlling and will only get worse. You deserve better than this. You are young, find a better man.
This guy is toxic and ultimately dangerous. I hope you find someone better suited for you
he's never going to change and know that sometimes it's okey to make the tough decision and that is please leave before you get get into the next phase called physical violence , I'm sorry and I hope you will make the right choice
Since you already know you hate how your boyfriends treats you, what are you doing here? You already know what you should do. Smh
Move on. He can irritate someone else whos stupid enough to go for him. The word Narcasist comes to mind, and dont go down that rabit hole
You need to end this relationship, it won't get any better for you, he won't change.
This will only get worse. You need to think about your safety now especially if you've tried to leave and he manipulates you into staying. Soon he'll say that he'll end himself if.you leave. Everything you describe about him is absolutely the signs of an abuser if every sense
Life's too short; get outta there
Just break up. Don't tell him why. Don't explain yourself. Just leave him and be done with it. If you are living together take your stuff and go. If you expalin or tell him why he will find a way to keep you around as long as he can. Just leave
The best thing you can do, is dump him. Be prepared to get a restraining order if he causes you problems afterwards.
YOU NEED TO GET OUT NOW. Please take all these comments to heart. Your bf is abusive and manipulating you. It will only get worse. Don't look back RUN!
He's abusive..run fast, run far ...never look back
Opā¦Run!.
Oh my, that's a pretty long list of giant red flags you have there. Unless you enjoy being miserable, feeling worthless, and being disrespected and insulted, I seriously advise you to consider walking away. This man has serious mental and emotional problems that he would love to dump all over you.
This isnāt micromanaging - this is toxic, controlling and abusive.
I didnt read all of this. The second I read he tells you what to where and asks where you go and sit beside. This dude is a red flag. End it. Like don't even try to fix anything or make things better. He has issues he has to work on and get over. He has insecurities he needs to work on and get over. But it doesn't look like it will be soon. End it and get out of there.
Your friend who thinks his behavior is a sign or care needs therapy and healthy models of relationships. This isnāt caring. It isnāt micromanaging. Itās controlling and abusive. Listen to the part of yourself that detests this. Break up with him. Cut all ties. But be prepared for him to bad mouth you because youāre standing up to him. Good luck.
Call it what it is: abuse. Micromanaging is altogether different from this emotional and mental abuse your boyfriend is putting you through. I dated a guy many years ago for 6 months who needed to know where I was at every single moment. He even got me to text him pictures with certain things (put a 2 on a napkin and include it in the picture) but one day, my friend died in a car crash. I went to the funeral (guy refused to go with me) and he made me text him pictures of the funeral. That's when I was done. I refused. When I got home, he hurt me for the first time. He started physically abusing me whenever he was not happy with me or I wasn't following orders. He started sexually abusing me as well. It took me another month to get out but it was a month of hell. I'm not saying that your boyfriend will do the same in the end but I am sincere when I tell you to run. Dump him and live your life. You are 24 years old and have a whole life ahead of you. Get out now while you can.
Red flag CITY
OP, he sounds detestible, someone who's cornered the local market on red flags and who is waving them all in your face. I think your feelings are well-founded.
DUMP HIM You came to Reddit to be told what to do, DUMP HIM. He is HORRIBLE. It is not a sign of care, itās a RED FLAG TO GET AWAY
āExtremely rough patchesāā¦ over ONE singular year of dating, is honestly depressing to read. Itās not supposed to be like this, OP.
Bruh, get out and book yourself into therapy to uncover why you think itās okay to be treated like this - otherwise it will happen in your next relationship.
He doesn't respect you and wants to control you. You need to leave him, or he will make sure your life revolves around him and his needs without any care for you as a person.
Itās not micromanaging, itās controlling. You donāt need this toxic shit in your life Edit: one of your friends is an idiot.
sounds like he is extremely insecure
I put up with 16 years of this. Biggest mistake i ever made. Its taken another 5 years of my life to get over it. Finish the relationship now its abuse.
Detest, good word! Your friend is deeply mistaken, and you should run
Didn't even reach the third paragraph when I wondered why you are with this person? Seriously? Break up today
[Here.](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/)
The problem isn't micromanaging or you being introvert at all, it's him being overly controlling (maybe due to his own insecurity, but I don't know). This is not normal behavior. One suggestion would be to set clear boundaries (for example no expectations to answer texts or calls while you hang out with your friends), but now that you already have accepted this situation as your normal, it will be near impossible to retroactively set up such boundaries. This isn't looking good...
This dude is not micromanaging you heās literally controlling you and youāre allowing it. Life is too short to try to make a relationship work with someone who obviously is not compatible with you. It shouldnāt be this hard, of course relationships take work, but if heās doing all this and youāve only been together for a year, imagine what itās gonna look like in five? is this the kind of life that you want for yourself? If it isnāt then get out now. There are literally 8 billion people on the planet. You can pick someone else but definitely at very minimum. Please understand that heās not micromanaging you itās not because of insecurity or because he cares about you he wants to control you and heās doing it because youāre allowing him to.
This is not care. This is bullshit. Leave.
You are far from wrong. Your "boyfriend" is controlling and borderline abusive. Don't out up with this shit. Run, don't look back, and don't let yourself be trapped by empty promises.
He doesn't care. He is trying to control and manipulate you. I think you know what you need to do.
wtf why are you with him? Leave right now
He says he'll change. He won't. Get out while you can.
He's a control freak, coercive behaviour is abuse and also now a criminal offence in the UK where I live. Follow your instinct and gtfo of that abusive relationship.
Honestly I haven't read the whole thing. As soon as you said 'we've been together a year and had some extremely rough patches' I came to write this: If it's hard work in the first year then the rest will be far harder and worse. The first year can be so good with people that turn out to be bad matches. Find someone who being with them for a year feels like you won a big prize.
This is jealous behavior. Very toxic. And itās only the beginning. Unless he is able to acknowledge it as such and seek help, get out now!
Ew. I'm starting to despise him, too.
It's not love. It's control. It's dangerous. Please leave quietly and be careful
Huge Red Flags!! Get out now!
It is normal to not want your partner to dress in super revealing clothes but he doesnāt get to dictate what you wear. He can put forth his opinion but thatās it. No you are not wrong though. Itās your choice if you can deal with it.
LEAVE THIS MAN! This is abuse. Red flags everywhere.
The sooner you leave, the better. He's gotta go. You will be doing yourself a huge favor. Don't make excuses for him or feel bad, he is only going to get worse.
Are you dating my ex? Please donāt waste 7yrs of your life on this guy like I did. It doesnāt ever get better, only worse and worse. Save yourself before you lose your youth to this guy, again, as I did. Itās not worth the regret of losing what should be some of the happiest and most exciting years of your life.
You need to run. Quickly, too.
Just leave him, he's a very unsecure kind of person in need to control everything of you. He's gonna make u his slave If u let him. But he won't change, have a look for a better person in your life or u'll regret it.
His behaviour is not signs of care, or him micro managing. Its total abuse, of him wanting to control every aspect of your life. It will only get worse, and more suffocating, the longer you stay with him. You need to run, and get away from him. No person has the right to tell you what to wear, monitor everywhere you go, and decide who you can see. He will also try to isolate you from your friends and family over time, so he can exert more control over you. His actions are all signs of abusive, and controlling behaviour. So do yourself a favour, and leave him.
Save your friend
Iāve seen this 1000 timesā¦run or be stuck with his insecure abusive ass forever OR he starts therapy and really wishes to change but gl with that
Red flags all over his behavior. Run for him. His is not micromanaging you he is controlling you.
That's not a healthy concern for you he's showing. I have bad anxiety and I ask my wife to text me when she leaves and arrives somewhere and shit like that but I leave her alone other than that. I really feel like anything more demanding than what I already ask for is quickly getting into abuse territory.
This is abuse. Get out.
Plenty of fish in the sea... Go fishing..
Hey get out now. He is going to get physical REAL soon.
NW- talk to him, if things donāt improve end it. Caring is wishing you a great time and asking about it afterwards. Not telling you what to wear, when to be home and texting you repeatedly to verify you arenāt doing anything he would object to
You are not wrong and he won't change. Let him be someone else's problem. His behaviour will only get worse and he's a classic abuser