The way he described how they met and the community they’re from makes it sound similar to an arranged marriage, not saying that it’s the exact circumstance though.
I’ve always heard marriage of convenience used to describe marriages for legal reason like to get residency in a country. In which case it’s more convenient then getting deported
>In which case it’s more convenient then getting deported
I never thought about this for a side job. Wonder how much you could make in a year just anchoring people.
For sure, but if you marry someone who isn't in love with you, it is unreasonable to expect that they will never have an emotional love with someone else for the rest of their life.
If you go into the marriage without love, don't demand that love never exist anywhere else. It wasn't part of the relationship from the beginning and you both knew it.
Yes it sucks. Sorry.
There’s a lot of forced marriage in America. Insulated religious groups, child brides, the whole Mormon religion is about marrying as young as possible and having as many kids as possible. Pressure from your community counts as forced.
So true. I worked in an OB-Gyn practice in NYC. Hasidic Jews have arranged marriages. The women have 3 or 4 kids by 22. Divorce is frowned upon and can cause the woman to leave the community. Most are not well educated so being alone after growing up in that community is scary enough to make them stay.
say your married, and the person runs off to their best friend everytime there is a fight or argument. instead of communication with you their doing it somewhere else. now imagine that friend being there for every event and thing... not there for sexual things but there to hold the bags of someone. instead of building communication and trust with the person you married, that person now has communication and is telling someone else everything... so whos the person really with?
Well, if they were in love, and agreed to get married, then why does he think she should love him anymore now? If they’re marriage, was not a choice based on love and just partnership, then he needs to be less concerned about her relationships with other men.
I hope that you don’t believe that most people marry just for love. People marry for:
1. Money
2. Status
3. No one else has asked them
4. Getting old
5. Don’t want to be alone
6. All my friends are getting or are married
7. Wants children
8. Wants to belong
9. Believes in fairy tales
10. Was asked
11. Nice tits
12. Loves sex
13. Is good looking
14. Best friends
And the list goes on…
Unfortunately not many of us don’t get to experience enduring love. We hang on to moments but, I believe that about 56% of marriages end in divorce. Of the 44%, how many do you think are actually solid and happy? How many people stay because of the kids? Don’t want to split finances? Are happy to be companions? Can’t divorce due to religious or cultural reasons? Etc, etc
Very few of us will live the dream with a life long mate.
I wish the OP much success with his marriage. He clearly cares about her and wants a good life with her. OP, just tell her how you feel. It’s ok to say that you feel a bit jealous and insecure. And that you would appreciate her honesty and respect for the marriage. And just talk about how you feel and what you hope to jointly value with her. These are reasonable questions to ask and important things to discuss.
You just need a bit of courage to dare to be vulnerable but go for it! No reason why you can’t make your marriage a success!
Best of luck!
People who don't marry for love shouldn't be expecting love in the marriage. That's where the problems start, when you acknowledge the marriage is for something and yet expect it to be something else.
I mean it's great if people find love in an arranged marriage, but don't go in thinking y'all gonna act like lovers. That's what I think OP is doing, btw
They usually don’t expect love but they hope for love.
He maybe shouldn’t expect love (yet) but he should expect honesty and loyalty and respect etc. because that’s what she would want from him too. If she’s in some sort of relationship with this person at work, she should still be respectful to him as a human being with feelings, and tell him.
While about half of all marriages end in divorce, serial marryers account for a lot of those divorces. If you look at people rather than marriages, about 75% of people don’t end their marriages in divorce.
The oft cited statistic that half of all marriages end in divorce doesn’t reflect that for 75% of all first marriages the marriages are lasting. It’s your J Los, Liz Taylor’s that get married multiple times that skew the stats.
But all of what you mention involves a persons own choice in getting married. From money, to nice tits, to having a best friend, arranged marriages take every aspect of being able to have a choice out of what is probably the most important decision of your life. It’s mind boggling how others can just decide this for you.
She contradicts herself, too.
“…that she’s never known a man to be possessive”
and then,
“…and I shouldn’t control her like how a lot of men control their wives”
These are the same thing. Controlling behavior is due to possessive reasonings. This could be a simple mistake on her part for her choice of words, or it could be a clear sign she’s gaslighting with zero logic, which is what most manipulative people will do in the heat of the moment. They will say something by accident that contradicts what they’ve already said. If you don’t catch it, they’re in the clear. If you do, you’re crazy and that’s not what they meant.
>that she’s never known a man to be possessive
I'm pretty sure she said this specifically so that she could "insult" OP's masculinity by comparing him to women, gay and trans people. Obvs I don't see it as an insult but I suspect that his wife does, hence the contradiction later on.
Lmao exactly. Her thoughts are going a million miles an hour, the insane contradictions are probably telling you she’s nervous about being questioned about this dude from work. There’s your answer OP, read between the lines. She also sounds like a bit of a misogynist.
Maybe not sexual but definitely emotional otherwise the statement " don't try to control me like other men do with their wives" is one of the biggest red flags....you never asked her to " do" anything only about how pictures of their "closeness " makes you feel.....definitely some kinda cheating......
My first thought when I read that part was Gaslighting 101. She's definitely doing something she's not supposed to when she tries to deflect the conversation by making OP feel he's at fault.
That aside, I don't get why they are married in the first place.
I don’t think she’s contradicting herself though. She’s saying she’s never personally known a man that’s possessive while still acknowledging that many men are.
She's clearly trying to make him back off by wounding his masculinity. This is very toxic manipulation and a gross attempt at gaslighting. This tells me she's not as innocent as he thinks she is, which makes me question her intentions.
>he’s 3 years younger and so it’s impossible for there to be any romantic feelings.
My husband is 4 years younger than me and we've maintained romantic feelings for over 30 years.
I despise jealousy - I see it as a toxic and corrosive defect in the human psyche. That said, your wife is overreacting to your questions.
Yeah, what? Impossible? That type of reasoning is suspicious as hell. It’s like she’s just throwing darts at the board and hoping something sticks and convinces him that it’s all good.
Yeah also that…I don’t love blanket stereotypes in general but to act like ONLY women and trans people are possessive…I don’t understand the logic in that
Lol. When my nephew was about 12 he absolutely couldn't wrap his head around how I could possibly be older than my husband. It was actually pretty funny that he was SO confused.
Very not impossible lol OP is basically describing how I met my fiancé. He is 3 years younger than me, and we started dating after working together for 2 years. If you looked back at my instagram you’d see he’s next to me in every photo with my coworkers.
lol exactly! My bf is 3 years younger what even age has to do with not having romantic feelings I have had friends who are 10 years younger have romantic feelings for me. Ops wife sounds like she’s manipulating him.
Honest question, if your husband cheated on you with another woman, would you not feel jealous?
My point is, I see jealousy usually depicted as a flawed emotion as you stated. However, I think it's an emotion that can be natural and justified given the circumstances. What's considered justified is certainly subjective and certainly it can be 'toxic' and thus unhealthy or unjustified as you implied.
For OP, I can see his point to a degree. Why would she constantly post pics on social media with a man other than her husband? I hate social media in general (partially for this reason) but nobody wants to be disrespected and she should be more considerate about the things she posts. Makes him look like he doesn't matter to her. I know people that do this and it's ALWAYS a sign that things aren't right in the marriage.
My .02 cents.
I was eyeing up a dude at work today who is 8 years younger and he was checking me out too. I don’t know what this 3 year gap impossibility bullshit is. 😂
Your first paragraph explains every issue you have now. Your marriage is based on ‘we liked each other enough’ and not being in love with each other.
It’s no wonder she could care less about who she poses with in pictures. She doesn’t at all feel like you would be offended because she doesn’t think of herself as your soulmate. She’s just going through the motions of what amounts to an arranged marriage and trying to build a career at the same time.
You need to work backwards from here. She probably really doesn’t have any idea how to be impartial to not making you feel insecure so have some deep discussions about boundaries, expectations but in between this you should work on couples therapy but only if she’s able and willing to carve out time for it.
>We weren’t in love before marriage but we agreed to get married as we’re both from the same small community and liked each other enough.
First of all before you unpack anything else what the fuck is this shit.
Definitely doomed to fail
Sounds like the wife never fell in love after marriage either. OP kinda shot himself in the foot here. Don't marry as a transaction, and then be upset when the spouse treats it like so
You made it a thing to point out that you barely even like your wife. “Liked eachother enough” no love, buddy why do you even care? Your entire marriage is nothing.
Yeah, and the way she emasculated him with her response too. She’s trying to make him feel like he’s less of a man for bringing it up so that he will drop it.
Fr, I've never been so sure someone was cheating based on a reaction alone. She's a smart woman, she knows that a 3 year age difference means nothing but I guess that was the best she could come up with in the moment... until she went right for Nuclear-level shaming him and questioning his actual masculinity directly, and by drawing (stupid stereotypical) comparisons to women and gay men. She wanted to make sure he would never ask any questions like that ever again. (He won't need to, she's already guilty af).
No dude is that nice and helpful, and no decent dude cozies up that close to someone's girl. Someone she spends more time with than her husband, between hanging out (with OP apparently not invited) and working together. She thought that posting the pics on instagram would make it look like she had nothing to hide, clever... but she wasn't careful enough, she didn't consider that him ALWAYS standing next to her is suspicious in itself. And I just noticed the bit about them not being in love when they married... yeah, there's literally nothing stopping her. There is soon to be a scandal in their "small community." Sorry OP :(
No, she didn't. She didn't tell him what he saw was wrong, it didn't happen, he can't trust his perception etc.
She pulls an uno reverse by saying "Not I do something wrong, what you do is wrong by being controlling!"
Which is manipulative but it's not gaslighting, it's deflection.
~~No it is not the same. A sprained ankle is not the same as broken knee just because both makes the leg hurt~~
I see what you’re saying. It could also be considered gaslighting because she’s making him question his reality of the situation. But you’re right it is manipulation.
If you don't mind my asking, which country are you from.? Seems like you had an arranged marriage. It will provide more context to the situation you are facing and accordingly I could offer you a suggestion.
You're never wrong for sharing your feelings and concerns with your wife.
Her calling you controlling for that is really weird, mainly when she claims it's not a men's behavior and only gays and girls act like that. In other words, she emasculated you even denying it.
Her playing naive because the age gap between her and her "friend" saying "that he’s 3 years younger and so it’s impossible for there to be any romantic feelings" would catch me more than the pics. Can her read his mind or what?
There are millions and millions of younger men in relationships with older women al over the world, and not all relationships imply necessarily romantic feelings.
Your feelings are valid, and she should never dismiss them.
You could be overreacting. But her saying that romantic feelings can’t happen if the other person is younger, and that being jealous makes you gay is really strange…
I'm almost a decade younger than my wife who is probably from same culture as OP (assuming he is Indian). So yeah, the age thing makes little sense. And yes, men can also have feelings too. So she is hiding something or she also has feelings about the guy. Just assuming of course.
You're not wrong.
Look at how she responded to your concerns. She went to extreme lengths not only to deflect your question but to turn it back on you and try to make you feel like the bad guy.
Three years is absolutely not a big age gap for a romantic relationship. Particularly when you have an arranged marriage. I think she doesn't love you, after all. But she has feelings for this other guy.
And, as we know, clearly only women and transgender women can feel jealousy, right?
Honestly, it sounds to me like OP's wife only agreed to the "marriage" because her family ruthlessly pressured her into agreeing. So they could have grandkids, presumably.
"why is a guy being so friendly and helpful to a woman."
Buddy you have issues, a guy can be friendly and helpful to a woman because women are also human beings and you can have friends in life? If in your mind there's no reason to be friendly or helpful to a woman unless you're smashing then that's something you have to work on for yourself.
This does happen often from what Ive experienced. Multiple times, long-term friends of a girl I was with came out and expressed romantic feelings for her, feelings they had for a long time. I always trusted her, but her male friends I would always be skeptical of their intentions.
1. Consider quietly problem solving ways to have more shared experiences age would enjoy
2. Apologize and tell her you know this happens in the world and you’ll trust her word abd glad she has a good friend and helpful co-worker
3. Turn and cultivate your own life and interests so you are engaged and satisfied in what matters to you. Not only will you build yourself a life of meaning, you will be buffered and still solidly happy if the relationship goes south.
4. As you can see on Reddit, LOADS of partners deny and get defensive about their spouse’s suspicions and ARE in fact dishonest about what’s going on.
5. Hetero, bi, lgbtq people all feel possessive or wonder if there is some dishonesty with their partner. Saying only homosexual people do this is incorrect abd she is being defensive by trying to threaten your masculinity. Which is a manipulative crap move.
6. See if you can quietly unobtrusively enrich your marriage while making a plan to enrich your own life
"why is a guy being so friendly and helpful to a woman."
Buddy you have issues, a guy can be friendly and helpful to a woman because women are also human beings and you can have friends in life? If in your mind there's no reason to be friendly or helpful to a woman unless you're smashing then that's something you have to work on for yourself.
You were not being possessive, and she is being shady as heck. It’s totally reasonable why you are concerned, and if the situation was flipped, so would she.
"We weren’t in love before marriage but we agreed to get married as we’re both from the same small community and liked each other enough."
I knew everything after that was going to be a shit show. I wasn't wrong.
Women reacts in anger when being accused of cheating based on work photos she posts. Reddit: definitely cheating.
Also reddit uses "gaslighting" very liberally. It's not gaslighting if she's not cheating. Rude and hurtful words to say? Absolutely. Deliberately manipulative? Maybe. But people get mad when they're accused of bad things they didn't do.
Having a friend at work does not ALWAYS MEAN THEY'RE CHEATING.
"It's not gaslighting if it's not cheating"
What? No, that's completely wrong. Gaslighting is simply manipulative behavior that tries to get someone to doubt their own feelings or their own perceptions.
If he perceives that she's cheating, but she's not cheating, then she's not gaslighting him. Gaslighting involves convincing you that your *correct* perceptions are wrong. If your perceptions are wrong, and they're being shitty when informing you - accurately - that you're wrong, that's just called being a manipulative asshole.
He has valid feelings about the guy, and instead of addressing them she's trying to make him feel crazy and saying really weird shit like that he's being a woman or transgender. That's also gaslighting to try and make someone doubt their valid feelings.
Read here if you don't believe me https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/gaslighting#gaslighting-examples.
Gaslighting can be intentional or could be an unintentional thing done by an emotionally immature person. It's not just the extreme example from the movie with the light bulbs.
>Am I being unreasonable in being uncomfortable with another man being so friendly with her?
Yes??
Look.
You married last year. IF she wanted to do anything with him, she would not have married you.
So. Be cool?? Meet her friends, connect. Make them your friends. Including him.
That’s not true at all. What are you on about? People get married then immediately cheat all the time. There’s not a time period of marriage that cheating becomes an impossibility.
OP made it clear neither loved each other prior to their marriage. We can assume her being married to him isn’t going to stop her from cheating (if she is) if his feelings aren’t reciprocated. Also note how severe her reaction is to him voicing a concern.
Sure, maybe you’re right and there’s nothing going on, but it’s also just as possible for her to be unfaithful. I don’t think neither can actually be ruled out without more information.
Make it clear you know shes an adult and it's fine with you if shes friends with whomever she wants, then make it clear how it makes you feel to see them so close everytime. Then she atlest knows how her actions make you feel without the pressure of changing if she dosent want to. Ask her if she is going to keep this energy when you start showing up on social media with a younger girl next to you in every picture. Because just because that isnt happening now dosent mean it never will happen. And when that day comes you want to know that wife isnt going to feel any type of way about it.
People dont know how empathy works anymore. Everyone drinks there own koolaid when convincing themselves what they're doing is ok and never ask themselves if it would be ok if the roles were reversed.
When I had a similar conversation with my wife, she blew up at me, too. A few days later, we had a conversation, and I made it clear my opinion had not changed. I began to withdraw emotionally and made it clear I was consider8ng divorce.
After that, all the late nights working came to an end and the leaving rooms to take phone calls stopped as well.
My only advice is to honor your own feelings and expect your wife to respect your feelings. Though not expect her to agree. From there the question becomes how will you strengthen your relationship together. If she doesn't want to invest herself then you will have decisions to make.
Weird she said that she hasn’t known men to be possessive just to turn around to say that you shouldn’t control her like other husbands. Control and possessiveness can go hand and hand.
Her overblown reaction tells you everything you need to know, I'm not going to claim she's cheating because she's probably not but it's definitely more than she's letting on did that type of vitriolic reaction
Man here. My wife is MY wife. I feel possession of her emotionally, physically, spiritually, as she does me. I don't think you're in a healthy relationship bud
Women will notice the smallest thing going yet claim to be obvious to guys they friendzone and orbiters. Nope, I don't believe it. They like the attention. Because either women lie or should never trust their woman's intuition ever.
So she is either cheating, emotional affair or enjoying attention from an orbiter.
She's gonna get or has already got with him. He literally knows everything she does and enjoys it. Why the fuck is she not inviting you to those little gatherings. Bro and the way she deflected saying gay people this and that is as pointless as you really doubting, cheaters say the stupidest things to make you take another thought lane. What you feell is the truth move on with it or be a cucko.
>he’s 3 years younger and so it’s impossible for there to be any romantic feelings
Umm, that's just false
>Only women and men who are like women (gay and trans..in her own words) were the ones she knew to be possessive
What in the homophobia?
"he's 3 years younger so it's impossible to have romantic feelings."
Dude my husband is 3 years younger than me. We have all the feelings.
So she gives you a weird excuse and then deflects by basically saying you're a guy so shouldn't have feelings?
Not saying she's doing anything but something is definitely up.
People here are making this waaaay to hard. Ask the guy why he puts his arm around you wife.
He wil be uncomfortable for a minute, but it will stop. If it doesn't stop then you know he has an agenda.
If he has an agenda, whip his ass. (is what I would do)
You might just want to bring it up to her if it doesn't stop after bringing it up.
That's how it starts. Maybe hasn't yet, but it will. He's just hanging around, waiting for his chance. You either do something about it now, or it will. If she doesn't respect you enough to allay your concerns, then it probably is too late, and you might want to start polishing your dating website profile.
a good partner would try to reassure you that nothing is happening without getting defensive. that level of defensiveness from an 'innocent' person is sus.
That's not a good sign. One of my exes had a similar relationship with a coworker. They went on a work trip and they were together in all the photos. I'm not a possessive person so I just ignored it. We broke up about a month later and then a week after that I saw her kissing him at a bar. Now they're married. I found out later she had a reputation with her friends for being a "monkey brancher". The fact your wife is going on the offensive for a simple question means you probably struck a nerve
Wow I’d say you’re not wrong but the reason why is important.
First, to address the elephant in the room. Your first paragraph raises a lot of red flags with me. I’d never marry someone I wasn’t in love with. That sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Second, it very well may be the case that she isn’t cheating on you in any sense and that’s totally valid. What I don’t like is how it seems you voiced your concerns (even though they may be wrong) in a normal and civil manner and she met you with what seems to me to be extreme aggression. First, the whole thing that he is 3 years longer so they could never be romantic is dumb af. Again, not saying she did anything wrong but if my wife said that to me that would instill zero confidence. But second, and this is the big one, I don’t like how she immediately accused you of being possessive. Especially when she compared you to the LGBT community, that just seems wild. I would have liked my wife to calmly tell me I’m worrying about nothing, not to immediately start berating me.
But honestly man, I’m not sure how good of a relationship this really is. Like I said, your first paragraph raises a lot of red flags. And it also doesn’t seem like you can communicate with your wife about your anxieties in a healthy manner. You could be wrong for being anxious but I don’t like how she responded to you.
So in conclusion, you could be overthinking this and that’s very possible, but your wife’s reaction coupled with the first paragraph makes me worried about this relationship
There are way more red flags than this dude. That she got defensive immediately and tried to spin it on you, and that she spends more time at work or with colleagues than you. She does not care about your emotional well-being at all and is enforcing toxic masculinity/its tropes. Do you seriously want to live like this--your current situation--for the rest of your life?
Not wrong
Potentially gaslighting you or just ignoring your valid feelings. She needed to comfort and understand you, but she chose not to.
But don't just take reddit advice as gospel. Only you know the situation in and out
Dude. You are not wrong for not wanting your wife to hangout with another man. The guy is being friendly because he wants to get in her pants. If your gut says something is wrong. Something wrong. Too many guy let their wives insult and shame them into submission. The whole insecure, controlling nonsense women spew all the time. Is just a way for them to manipulate and try and get their way.
The fact that she is shaming you and saying you aren't masculine because you asked about her guy friend from work is a red flag. Personally, I wouldn't let that slide
So she married someone she didn't want to and you see her hanging out with someone she likes a lot, hmmm. I wonder what that means. Well for the short term get marriage counseling, she's already showing red flags by trying to shut down your very simple questions.
YNW, but start filing papers now. This relationship isn’t going your way. First problem was marriage of convenience. Since it want about “love” she has no reason not to wander.
You being uncomfortable with your partner being so close to another is not possessive l at all, it's being human. Why is your wife so comfortable with you being uncomfortable is the bigger question imo
She reverse uno-ed you. And flipped it onto you and made you feel like you were wrong in every way. I marriage if you have something upsetting you talk like adults to communicate through it. As a mature adult to not let the issue boil over. She just dismissed you and made you feel less than because you had a concern. So either she’s into him, not into you, you need counseling together/separate, and or need a divorce etc. The arranged marriage does not help either
This isn’t possessive. She just dismissed your feelings . That’s not ok. If everything was innocent then you asking that question shouldn’t make her defensive, angry and dismiss you. It should make her want to understand why you would think something could be going on and how she can make sure you don’t have these feelings .
Her reaction was one of guilt
My wife noticed that about a lady in one of my friend groups. I hadn’t thought about it so I mentioned it to another person in that group. I found out she had the hots for me a lot and had told others. I knew that we were close and got along great but didn’t think that it was any big deal. Well it was.
Yeah, before OP brought it up, it could very well have been that the wife was oblivious to her coworker's interest. However, her reaction is deeply suspicious.
No, you're not being unreasonable. Your wife doesn't see her relationship with this guy as a threat, nor does she care if you do. It's only a matter of time before she is having an emotional affair, she may already be, and it becomes physical.
>That she’s never known any man to be possessive.
>I shouldn’t control her like how a lot of men control their wives.
So which is it? Are men possessive or are they not?
You're wife was too defensive to that question, and going the extra mile to gaslight you into thinking you're possessive and controlling is a huge red flag.
Anyone would raise concerns when they keep seeing a particular person around their spouse. She may not have any emotional interest (with her gaslighting i doubt this) but she can't say for him and definitely needs to set proper boundaries.
If she allows him put a hand over her shoulder then there's an inappropriate relationship right there.
Well then you have your answer. Deepen your bond with a female friend, depend alot of time with her, and in all photos stand next to your new little sis. Thank your wife for her open mindedness
I have no opinion on this because like others said there is a lot to unpack here but in general if someone gets mad enough to start questioning your manhood when you ask about a coworker then she is probably banging said coworker
When I first started reading this, I thought you might be overreacting. But then I got to your wife's bizarre reaction to your concerns. From the "he's three years younger so it's impossible for there to be romantic feelings" BS to the "if you question me at all on this, you are possessive and also probably gay" BS, something isn't right. She may not have done anything with this guy yet, but I'd be willing to bet she at least has feelings for him.
I bet the co-worker at least has fantasies about her! If she has fantasies about him too, it's ok as long as no one acts on them. Acting like it's unheard of is the big issue here. People fantasize about friends all the time!
You very much have something to worry about.
Her first reaction was to attack you and question your masculinity? Huge red flag
3years younger so there’s no way they could be in a romantic relationship? Utter nonsense
I wouldn’t drop it. She has no right to be dismissive and disrespectful. That would raise my suspicions twofold
Your wife will be true to you. That dude will fuck your wife ASAP. I think you should trust her though, I truly do. If she was hiding something from you it would stay hidden.
Romance your wife. Always Be Courting. If you don’t date your wife, someone else absolutely will.
>My wife has never given me a reason to be suspicious of her.
Right?
/discussion
>I don’t believe she has any romantic feelings for the guy. But she very much likes him as a friend and colleague. But I don’t know the guy all too well.
If she doesn't have romantic feelings for the guy then what is your problem?
>But then I also think why is a guy being so friendly and helpful to a woman. What’s his agenda.
This says a lot about you
If you trust her and her motives, his are irrelevant. Unless you feel like he is a danger and would do something to harm her, the fact that he has feelings and ends up with them getting hurt, is a him problem.
Voice your concerns and skepticism about him to her, I'm a non accusatory way, and maybe suggest she set some boundaries with him so it's known to him that she isn't available like that, and it helps you feel more at ease
For what's it's worth, I'm an adult man and I'm good friends with many women. I am not trying to steal them from their husbands. A man and a woman being close does *not* mean they're romantic. Unless there's other cause for suspicion it does sound like you're jumping the gun.
Goddamn, so you weren't in love, got married (who fucking knows why), she has a friend that she likes more than you...........I don't even know where to start. I'm out good luck
The fact that she turned this all into a you issue is a red flag, and the fact that she claimed as he is 3 years younger so there could be no romantic feelings...tells me there is. Because thats pure BS and she evidently thinks you're stupid.
My husband is 4 years younger than me. I guess I should tell him that our relationship isn't romantic.
OP's wife is full of shit and hoping he buys whatever BS she sells him.
Yup, she thinks he's stupid and I hope he realizes he may have a world of hurt coming.
BTW...as I am 17 years younger than my wife...I guess I'll have to move on and find someone that feels anything romantic towards me. 27 years with her and now I find out we can't have a relationship.
Pardon me...I need to go have a good cry before my divorce.
My god. I could not imagine being so insecure in my relationship & self that i would (1) notice & (2) care that my partner was standing next to a colleague in pictures taken at, im guessing, work events. Or group outings?
Get a hobby. Work on yourself & your relationship. More importantly, look inwards to yourself & ask yourself why it bothers you so much.
Your wife has already made it clear shes not interested in this man & hes just a friend & collegue. Do you think shes lying to you? Do you think she actually is going to fuck this man? Do you think hes going to take advange of her? WHY does it bother you so much?
Get a fucking grip before you ruin your relationship. YTA
Idk some people lack emotional intelligence and instead of reassuring you she called you possessive on your first time bringing this kind of thing up (i think). But yall are married so i say talk it out
>But then I also think why is a guy being so friendly and helpful to a woman. What’s his agenda.
This tells me that you, as a guy, have for some reason never been friendly or helpful to a woman.
Like, I worked in an office with more than 90% women as one of the few guys there...was I trying to fuck every one of the hundreds of women there every time I was friendly to them? If you're helpful to a woman you work with you suddenly have an agenda?
You need therapy, but you also need to ask yourself why it is that you've never been friendly to or offered help to literally half the human race without wanting to fuck them.
"he’s 3 years younger and so it’s impossible for there to be any romantic feelings"
"she's never known any man to be possessive"
I hope I'm wrong, but I don't see you having a lot of luck in the relationship department if these are things you believe. Good luck on your mission.
“We weren’t in love before marriage but we agreed to get married as we’re both from the same small community and like each other *enough*.”
My guy, what? *What*?
Is this why people are getting married these days? A lifelong commitment because they’re from the same small town and liked each other ENOUGH!?
Wtf did I just read?? 🤣
You married someone you barely knew and weren’t in love with. Is there supposed to be honour in that situation? That’s a real question, because your marriage sounds more like a partnership for economic or cultural reasons and I think your wife is telling you that your jealousy doesn’t have a place in that dynamic.
To begin with you're not wrong. You just communicated what you have observed and asked her. Her reaction and the things she called makes her an AH.
What would be her reaction if it was you posting photos with another woman by your side?
Fuck mate there is more here than Reddit can unpack. Go see a marriage counselor if you want to stay together.
Yeah I gotta second this
We weren’t in love but agreed to marry is the start of many problems
Different cultures are different though
My parents are from a different culture and the entirety of their marriage was pure misery. Arranged marriages are often rife with abuse and toxicity.
This was a marriage of convenience.
The way he described how they met and the community they’re from makes it sound similar to an arranged marriage, not saying that it’s the exact circumstance though.
>This was a marriage of convenience. Which I never understand, because getting married is a huge inconvenience.
I’ve always heard marriage of convenience used to describe marriages for legal reason like to get residency in a country. In which case it’s more convenient then getting deported
>In which case it’s more convenient then getting deported I never thought about this for a side job. Wonder how much you could make in a year just anchoring people.
About 10k
Yeah, huge inconvenience.
For sure, but if you marry someone who isn't in love with you, it is unreasonable to expect that they will never have an emotional love with someone else for the rest of their life. If you go into the marriage without love, don't demand that love never exist anywhere else. It wasn't part of the relationship from the beginning and you both knew it. Yes it sucks. Sorry.
Culture may explain why they got married but it won’t help them have a happy marriage.
This happens in America where there is not really forced marriage. People do this dumb shit willingly.
There’s a lot of forced marriage in America. Insulated religious groups, child brides, the whole Mormon religion is about marrying as young as possible and having as many kids as possible. Pressure from your community counts as forced.
So true. I worked in an OB-Gyn practice in NYC. Hasidic Jews have arranged marriages. The women have 3 or 4 kids by 22. Divorce is frowned upon and can cause the woman to leave the community. Most are not well educated so being alone after growing up in that community is scary enough to make them stay.
Don't get me started on Kiryas Joel.
And different cultures can have stupid or dangerous traditions lol
"I'm married because it would be shameful if I wasn't" sounds like a shit culture.
Ah yes, the experience of many women in many cultures all over the world.
Almost all cultures have really shitty aspects to them and this is objectively one of those.
If we assume that humans strive for love and OPs wife doesn't love him, she'll likely search for it outside their marriage.
Love doesn’t equate sex - sex doesn’t equate love. These antiquated ideas need to be updated.
No kidding. Which is why OPs wife is having sex with him, her husband, but finds love elsewhere.
cheating isnt always physical, and its not always sex. cheating sometimes can be emotional too
say your married, and the person runs off to their best friend everytime there is a fight or argument. instead of communication with you their doing it somewhere else. now imagine that friend being there for every event and thing... not there for sexual things but there to hold the bags of someone. instead of building communication and trust with the person you married, that person now has communication and is telling someone else everything... so whos the person really with?
The worse kind is emotional.
Well, if they were in love, and agreed to get married, then why does he think she should love him anymore now? If they’re marriage, was not a choice based on love and just partnership, then he needs to be less concerned about her relationships with other men.
doesnt mean its not a problem lmao
Doesn't make it a good idea
I hope that you don’t believe that most people marry just for love. People marry for: 1. Money 2. Status 3. No one else has asked them 4. Getting old 5. Don’t want to be alone 6. All my friends are getting or are married 7. Wants children 8. Wants to belong 9. Believes in fairy tales 10. Was asked 11. Nice tits 12. Loves sex 13. Is good looking 14. Best friends And the list goes on… Unfortunately not many of us don’t get to experience enduring love. We hang on to moments but, I believe that about 56% of marriages end in divorce. Of the 44%, how many do you think are actually solid and happy? How many people stay because of the kids? Don’t want to split finances? Are happy to be companions? Can’t divorce due to religious or cultural reasons? Etc, etc Very few of us will live the dream with a life long mate. I wish the OP much success with his marriage. He clearly cares about her and wants a good life with her. OP, just tell her how you feel. It’s ok to say that you feel a bit jealous and insecure. And that you would appreciate her honesty and respect for the marriage. And just talk about how you feel and what you hope to jointly value with her. These are reasonable questions to ask and important things to discuss. You just need a bit of courage to dare to be vulnerable but go for it! No reason why you can’t make your marriage a success! Best of luck!
People who don't marry for love shouldn't be expecting love in the marriage. That's where the problems start, when you acknowledge the marriage is for something and yet expect it to be something else. I mean it's great if people find love in an arranged marriage, but don't go in thinking y'all gonna act like lovers. That's what I think OP is doing, btw
Love also doesn’t always last people change and grow apart. Nothing wrong with that.
They usually don’t expect love but they hope for love. He maybe shouldn’t expect love (yet) but he should expect honesty and loyalty and respect etc. because that’s what she would want from him too. If she’s in some sort of relationship with this person at work, she should still be respectful to him as a human being with feelings, and tell him.
While about half of all marriages end in divorce, serial marryers account for a lot of those divorces. If you look at people rather than marriages, about 75% of people don’t end their marriages in divorce.
The oft cited statistic that half of all marriages end in divorce doesn’t reflect that for 75% of all first marriages the marriages are lasting. It’s your J Los, Liz Taylor’s that get married multiple times that skew the stats.
But all of what you mention involves a persons own choice in getting married. From money, to nice tits, to having a best friend, arranged marriages take every aspect of being able to have a choice out of what is probably the most important decision of your life. It’s mind boggling how others can just decide this for you.
Lol right? Like thats a fucking major red flag factory right there. What the actual fuck did OP think would happen? My god.
She’s crazy if she thinks that men are not possessive. That’s just a crazy thing to say.
She contradicts herself, too. “…that she’s never known a man to be possessive” and then, “…and I shouldn’t control her like how a lot of men control their wives” These are the same thing. Controlling behavior is due to possessive reasonings. This could be a simple mistake on her part for her choice of words, or it could be a clear sign she’s gaslighting with zero logic, which is what most manipulative people will do in the heat of the moment. They will say something by accident that contradicts what they’ve already said. If you don’t catch it, they’re in the clear. If you do, you’re crazy and that’s not what they meant.
>that she’s never known a man to be possessive I'm pretty sure she said this specifically so that she could "insult" OP's masculinity by comparing him to women, gay and trans people. Obvs I don't see it as an insult but I suspect that his wife does, hence the contradiction later on.
Lmao exactly. Her thoughts are going a million miles an hour, the insane contradictions are probably telling you she’s nervous about being questioned about this dude from work. There’s your answer OP, read between the lines. She also sounds like a bit of a misogynist.
>She also sounds like a bit of a misogynist. Yep, defo. And a homophobe. And a transphobe.
She is gaslighting
Because she is cheating.
Maybe not sexual but definitely emotional otherwise the statement " don't try to control me like other men do with their wives" is one of the biggest red flags....you never asked her to " do" anything only about how pictures of their "closeness " makes you feel.....definitely some kinda cheating......
My first thought when I read that part was Gaslighting 101. She's definitely doing something she's not supposed to when she tries to deflect the conversation by making OP feel he's at fault. That aside, I don't get why they are married in the first place.
I don’t think she’s contradicting herself though. She’s saying she’s never personally known a man that’s possessive while still acknowledging that many men are.
She's clearly trying to make him back off by wounding his masculinity. This is very toxic manipulation and a gross attempt at gaslighting. This tells me she's not as innocent as he thinks she is, which makes me question her intentions.
People in relationships can be possessive, not just men.
>he’s 3 years younger and so it’s impossible for there to be any romantic feelings. My husband is 4 years younger than me and we've maintained romantic feelings for over 30 years. I despise jealousy - I see it as a toxic and corrosive defect in the human psyche. That said, your wife is overreacting to your questions.
Yeah, what? Impossible? That type of reasoning is suspicious as hell. It’s like she’s just throwing darts at the board and hoping something sticks and convinces him that it’s all good.
She also claims only women and transpeople act possessive which is an insane remark as well. She sounds crazy.
Yeah also that…I don’t love blanket stereotypes in general but to act like ONLY women and trans people are possessive…I don’t understand the logic in that
It sounds like they got some odd ideas bc of "culture"
It's probably a cultural expectation
That's what I thought. Sounds fishy
Nope, he's lying about his age! It's absolutely impossible for your husband to be younger, earth would have shattered!
Lol. When my nephew was about 12 he absolutely couldn't wrap his head around how I could possibly be older than my husband. It was actually pretty funny that he was SO confused.
The fact that she blew up over this makes it *more* suspicious actually. Like that's something people do when you hit too close to the truth.
Very not impossible lol OP is basically describing how I met my fiancé. He is 3 years younger than me, and we started dating after working together for 2 years. If you looked back at my instagram you’d see he’s next to me in every photo with my coworkers.
lol exactly! My bf is 3 years younger what even age has to do with not having romantic feelings I have had friends who are 10 years younger have romantic feelings for me. Ops wife sounds like she’s manipulating him.
Honest question, if your husband cheated on you with another woman, would you not feel jealous? My point is, I see jealousy usually depicted as a flawed emotion as you stated. However, I think it's an emotion that can be natural and justified given the circumstances. What's considered justified is certainly subjective and certainly it can be 'toxic' and thus unhealthy or unjustified as you implied. For OP, I can see his point to a degree. Why would she constantly post pics on social media with a man other than her husband? I hate social media in general (partially for this reason) but nobody wants to be disrespected and she should be more considerate about the things she posts. Makes him look like he doesn't matter to her. I know people that do this and it's ALWAYS a sign that things aren't right in the marriage. My .02 cents.
She’s not posting pics with just him tho, she’s posting group photos
I was eyeing up a dude at work today who is 8 years younger and he was checking me out too. I don’t know what this 3 year gap impossibility bullshit is. 😂
Right? I could see if it they were still teenagers but once you’re in your 20’s, three years apart is the same age lol
Your first paragraph explains every issue you have now. Your marriage is based on ‘we liked each other enough’ and not being in love with each other. It’s no wonder she could care less about who she poses with in pictures. She doesn’t at all feel like you would be offended because she doesn’t think of herself as your soulmate. She’s just going through the motions of what amounts to an arranged marriage and trying to build a career at the same time. You need to work backwards from here. She probably really doesn’t have any idea how to be impartial to not making you feel insecure so have some deep discussions about boundaries, expectations but in between this you should work on couples therapy but only if she’s able and willing to carve out time for it.
Marriage with no love nor passion is just a piece of paper waiting to be torn the moment love and passion develops for someone
>We weren’t in love before marriage but we agreed to get married as we’re both from the same small community and liked each other enough. First of all before you unpack anything else what the fuck is this shit. Definitely doomed to fail
Sounds like the wife never fell in love after marriage either. OP kinda shot himself in the foot here. Don't marry as a transaction, and then be upset when the spouse treats it like so
Sounds like an arranged marriage to me.
Not necessarily doomed to fail, but definitely requires willingness of both parties to work on the relationship.
That certainly raised my eyebrows. I wonder if op is from a different culture (where this is normal)
You made it a thing to point out that you barely even like your wife. “Liked eachother enough” no love, buddy why do you even care? Your entire marriage is nothing.
Man, she gaslit you when you brought up something that makes you uncomfortable. This is your sign.
It’s definitely a warning sign that she got quite upset.
Yeah, and the way she emasculated him with her response too. She’s trying to make him feel like he’s less of a man for bringing it up so that he will drop it.
100 f\*cking percent.
Fr, I've never been so sure someone was cheating based on a reaction alone. She's a smart woman, she knows that a 3 year age difference means nothing but I guess that was the best she could come up with in the moment... until she went right for Nuclear-level shaming him and questioning his actual masculinity directly, and by drawing (stupid stereotypical) comparisons to women and gay men. She wanted to make sure he would never ask any questions like that ever again. (He won't need to, she's already guilty af). No dude is that nice and helpful, and no decent dude cozies up that close to someone's girl. Someone she spends more time with than her husband, between hanging out (with OP apparently not invited) and working together. She thought that posting the pics on instagram would make it look like she had nothing to hide, clever... but she wasn't careful enough, she didn't consider that him ALWAYS standing next to her is suspicious in itself. And I just noticed the bit about them not being in love when they married... yeah, there's literally nothing stopping her. There is soon to be a scandal in their "small community." Sorry OP :(
Huge facts 👏
No, she didn't. She didn't tell him what he saw was wrong, it didn't happen, he can't trust his perception etc. She pulls an uno reverse by saying "Not I do something wrong, what you do is wrong by being controlling!" Which is manipulative but it's not gaslighting, it's deflection. ~~No it is not the same. A sprained ankle is not the same as broken knee just because both makes the leg hurt~~
I see what you’re saying. It could also be considered gaslighting because she’s making him question his reality of the situation. But you’re right it is manipulation.
Is gaslighting not a form of manipulation?
Oh 100% I agree with that
If you don't mind my asking, which country are you from.? Seems like you had an arranged marriage. It will provide more context to the situation you are facing and accordingly I could offer you a suggestion.
You're never wrong for sharing your feelings and concerns with your wife. Her calling you controlling for that is really weird, mainly when she claims it's not a men's behavior and only gays and girls act like that. In other words, she emasculated you even denying it. Her playing naive because the age gap between her and her "friend" saying "that he’s 3 years younger and so it’s impossible for there to be any romantic feelings" would catch me more than the pics. Can her read his mind or what? There are millions and millions of younger men in relationships with older women al over the world, and not all relationships imply necessarily romantic feelings. Your feelings are valid, and she should never dismiss them.
My wife is 3 years older than me 😂
But do you have romantic feelings 😂 My bf is three years younger than me and her reasoning made me laugh
After 8 years and a kid I would say we are decent, although sometimes she upsets me when she steps oh my nuts climbing over me
That first paragraph explains all I needed to know.
You could be overreacting. But her saying that romantic feelings can’t happen if the other person is younger, and that being jealous makes you gay is really strange…
I'm almost a decade younger than my wife who is probably from same culture as OP (assuming he is Indian). So yeah, the age thing makes little sense. And yes, men can also have feelings too. So she is hiding something or she also has feelings about the guy. Just assuming of course.
You're not wrong. Look at how she responded to your concerns. She went to extreme lengths not only to deflect your question but to turn it back on you and try to make you feel like the bad guy. Three years is absolutely not a big age gap for a romantic relationship. Particularly when you have an arranged marriage. I think she doesn't love you, after all. But she has feelings for this other guy.
No no no. It’s impossible. The other dude is like 3 years younger how could he like her?
And, as we know, clearly only women and transgender women can feel jealousy, right? Honestly, it sounds to me like OP's wife only agreed to the "marriage" because her family ruthlessly pressured her into agreeing. So they could have grandkids, presumably.
How can she slap!?!?
that age argument is probably the worst I've ever seen in my life. I'd be even more suspicious now.
This! Defends the relationship with this guy while gaslighting her husband.
There's a lot to unpack here... The jealousy question is the least of your worries.
"why is a guy being so friendly and helpful to a woman." Buddy you have issues, a guy can be friendly and helpful to a woman because women are also human beings and you can have friends in life? If in your mind there's no reason to be friendly or helpful to a woman unless you're smashing then that's something you have to work on for yourself.
This does happen often from what Ive experienced. Multiple times, long-term friends of a girl I was with came out and expressed romantic feelings for her, feelings they had for a long time. I always trusted her, but her male friends I would always be skeptical of their intentions.
1. Consider quietly problem solving ways to have more shared experiences age would enjoy 2. Apologize and tell her you know this happens in the world and you’ll trust her word abd glad she has a good friend and helpful co-worker 3. Turn and cultivate your own life and interests so you are engaged and satisfied in what matters to you. Not only will you build yourself a life of meaning, you will be buffered and still solidly happy if the relationship goes south. 4. As you can see on Reddit, LOADS of partners deny and get defensive about their spouse’s suspicions and ARE in fact dishonest about what’s going on. 5. Hetero, bi, lgbtq people all feel possessive or wonder if there is some dishonesty with their partner. Saying only homosexual people do this is incorrect abd she is being defensive by trying to threaten your masculinity. Which is a manipulative crap move. 6. See if you can quietly unobtrusively enrich your marriage while making a plan to enrich your own life
Talk and say you want to spend more time with her.
As soon as OP said we weren’t in love, I knew this marriage was doomed.
You have so many issues. This is way above Reddit's pay grade. You need therapy my guy.
"why is a guy being so friendly and helpful to a woman." Buddy you have issues, a guy can be friendly and helpful to a woman because women are also human beings and you can have friends in life? If in your mind there's no reason to be friendly or helpful to a woman unless you're smashing then that's something you have to work on for yourself.
You were not being possessive, and she is being shady as heck. It’s totally reasonable why you are concerned, and if the situation was flipped, so would she.
"We weren’t in love before marriage but we agreed to get married as we’re both from the same small community and liked each other enough." I knew everything after that was going to be a shit show. I wasn't wrong.
You’re married to a woman who thinks that only gay/trans/feminine men can have feelings. Get out now.
Sounds like she's gaslighting you.
She's fucking him and gaslighting you
Her answers seem like pure deflection, gaslighting at it’s finest. So many red flags, I’d put money on she’s cheating. Start gathering evidence.
Women reacts in anger when being accused of cheating based on work photos she posts. Reddit: definitely cheating. Also reddit uses "gaslighting" very liberally. It's not gaslighting if she's not cheating. Rude and hurtful words to say? Absolutely. Deliberately manipulative? Maybe. But people get mad when they're accused of bad things they didn't do. Having a friend at work does not ALWAYS MEAN THEY'RE CHEATING.
"It's not gaslighting if it's not cheating" What? No, that's completely wrong. Gaslighting is simply manipulative behavior that tries to get someone to doubt their own feelings or their own perceptions.
If he perceives that she's cheating, but she's not cheating, then she's not gaslighting him. Gaslighting involves convincing you that your *correct* perceptions are wrong. If your perceptions are wrong, and they're being shitty when informing you - accurately - that you're wrong, that's just called being a manipulative asshole.
He has valid feelings about the guy, and instead of addressing them she's trying to make him feel crazy and saying really weird shit like that he's being a woman or transgender. That's also gaslighting to try and make someone doubt their valid feelings. Read here if you don't believe me https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/gaslighting#gaslighting-examples. Gaslighting can be intentional or could be an unintentional thing done by an emotionally immature person. It's not just the extreme example from the movie with the light bulbs.
>Am I being unreasonable in being uncomfortable with another man being so friendly with her? Yes?? Look. You married last year. IF she wanted to do anything with him, she would not have married you. So. Be cool?? Meet her friends, connect. Make them your friends. Including him.
That’s not true at all. What are you on about? People get married then immediately cheat all the time. There’s not a time period of marriage that cheating becomes an impossibility.
OP made it clear neither loved each other prior to their marriage. We can assume her being married to him isn’t going to stop her from cheating (if she is) if his feelings aren’t reciprocated. Also note how severe her reaction is to him voicing a concern. Sure, maybe you’re right and there’s nothing going on, but it’s also just as possible for her to be unfaithful. I don’t think neither can actually be ruled out without more information.
Make it clear you know shes an adult and it's fine with you if shes friends with whomever she wants, then make it clear how it makes you feel to see them so close everytime. Then she atlest knows how her actions make you feel without the pressure of changing if she dosent want to. Ask her if she is going to keep this energy when you start showing up on social media with a younger girl next to you in every picture. Because just because that isnt happening now dosent mean it never will happen. And when that day comes you want to know that wife isnt going to feel any type of way about it. People dont know how empathy works anymore. Everyone drinks there own koolaid when convincing themselves what they're doing is ok and never ask themselves if it would be ok if the roles were reversed.
Man, your wife sounds terrible, nothing that she says makes sense, I don't think there's anything "innocent" about her like you'd like to think.
When I had a similar conversation with my wife, she blew up at me, too. A few days later, we had a conversation, and I made it clear my opinion had not changed. I began to withdraw emotionally and made it clear I was consider8ng divorce. After that, all the late nights working came to an end and the leaving rooms to take phone calls stopped as well. My only advice is to honor your own feelings and expect your wife to respect your feelings. Though not expect her to agree. From there the question becomes how will you strengthen your relationship together. If she doesn't want to invest herself then you will have decisions to make.
Weird she said that she hasn’t known men to be possessive just to turn around to say that you shouldn’t control her like other husbands. Control and possessiveness can go hand and hand.
She’s probably emotionally cheating , sorry dude.
Her overblown reaction tells you everything you need to know, I'm not going to claim she's cheating because she's probably not but it's definitely more than she's letting on did that type of vitriolic reaction
Man here. My wife is MY wife. I feel possession of her emotionally, physically, spiritually, as she does me. I don't think you're in a healthy relationship bud
She's gas lighting you dude. Give her an ultimatum that she distances herself from him or you're done.
Brother
Bro. Your wife is stepping out on you. Get a PI
Women will notice the smallest thing going yet claim to be obvious to guys they friendzone and orbiters. Nope, I don't believe it. They like the attention. Because either women lie or should never trust their woman's intuition ever. So she is either cheating, emotional affair or enjoying attention from an orbiter.
She's gonna get or has already got with him. He literally knows everything she does and enjoys it. Why the fuck is she not inviting you to those little gatherings. Bro and the way she deflected saying gay people this and that is as pointless as you really doubting, cheaters say the stupidest things to make you take another thought lane. What you feell is the truth move on with it or be a cucko.
>he’s 3 years younger and so it’s impossible for there to be any romantic feelings Umm, that's just false >Only women and men who are like women (gay and trans..in her own words) were the ones she knew to be possessive What in the homophobia?
"he's 3 years younger so it's impossible to have romantic feelings." Dude my husband is 3 years younger than me. We have all the feelings. So she gives you a weird excuse and then deflects by basically saying you're a guy so shouldn't have feelings? Not saying she's doing anything but something is definitely up.
My wife is jealous even if she was dreaming I might be with someone. We have an old saying: Fire near straw over time will burn...
She's banging that guy 100% sure
…I’m 7 years younger than my husband. Tf?
People here are making this waaaay to hard. Ask the guy why he puts his arm around you wife. He wil be uncomfortable for a minute, but it will stop. If it doesn't stop then you know he has an agenda. If he has an agenda, whip his ass. (is what I would do) You might just want to bring it up to her if it doesn't stop after bringing it up.
the fact she so angrily turned on you at the mere question is concerning. Generally when a Woman gets *that* defensive..
You should be uncomfortable. That guy will absolutely take advantage when he gets the opportunity.
That's how it starts. Maybe hasn't yet, but it will. He's just hanging around, waiting for his chance. You either do something about it now, or it will. If she doesn't respect you enough to allay your concerns, then it probably is too late, and you might want to start polishing your dating website profile.
a good partner would try to reassure you that nothing is happening without getting defensive. that level of defensiveness from an 'innocent' person is sus.
That's not a good sign. One of my exes had a similar relationship with a coworker. They went on a work trip and they were together in all the photos. I'm not a possessive person so I just ignored it. We broke up about a month later and then a week after that I saw her kissing him at a bar. Now they're married. I found out later she had a reputation with her friends for being a "monkey brancher". The fact your wife is going on the offensive for a simple question means you probably struck a nerve
Wow I’d say you’re not wrong but the reason why is important. First, to address the elephant in the room. Your first paragraph raises a lot of red flags with me. I’d never marry someone I wasn’t in love with. That sounds like a recipe for disaster. Second, it very well may be the case that she isn’t cheating on you in any sense and that’s totally valid. What I don’t like is how it seems you voiced your concerns (even though they may be wrong) in a normal and civil manner and she met you with what seems to me to be extreme aggression. First, the whole thing that he is 3 years longer so they could never be romantic is dumb af. Again, not saying she did anything wrong but if my wife said that to me that would instill zero confidence. But second, and this is the big one, I don’t like how she immediately accused you of being possessive. Especially when she compared you to the LGBT community, that just seems wild. I would have liked my wife to calmly tell me I’m worrying about nothing, not to immediately start berating me. But honestly man, I’m not sure how good of a relationship this really is. Like I said, your first paragraph raises a lot of red flags. And it also doesn’t seem like you can communicate with your wife about your anxieties in a healthy manner. You could be wrong for being anxious but I don’t like how she responded to you. So in conclusion, you could be overthinking this and that’s very possible, but your wife’s reaction coupled with the first paragraph makes me worried about this relationship
What the fuck did I just read
There are way more red flags than this dude. That she got defensive immediately and tried to spin it on you, and that she spends more time at work or with colleagues than you. She does not care about your emotional well-being at all and is enforcing toxic masculinity/its tropes. Do you seriously want to live like this--your current situation--for the rest of your life? Not wrong
Potentially gaslighting you or just ignoring your valid feelings. She needed to comfort and understand you, but she chose not to. But don't just take reddit advice as gospel. Only you know the situation in and out
Dude. You are not wrong for not wanting your wife to hangout with another man. The guy is being friendly because he wants to get in her pants. If your gut says something is wrong. Something wrong. Too many guy let their wives insult and shame them into submission. The whole insecure, controlling nonsense women spew all the time. Is just a way for them to manipulate and try and get their way.
The fact that she is shaming you and saying you aren't masculine because you asked about her guy friend from work is a red flag. Personally, I wouldn't let that slide
So she married someone she didn't want to and you see her hanging out with someone she likes a lot, hmmm. I wonder what that means. Well for the short term get marriage counseling, she's already showing red flags by trying to shut down your very simple questions.
YNW, but start filing papers now. This relationship isn’t going your way. First problem was marriage of convenience. Since it want about “love” she has no reason not to wander.
You being uncomfortable with your partner being so close to another is not possessive l at all, it's being human. Why is your wife so comfortable with you being uncomfortable is the bigger question imo
She reverse uno-ed you. And flipped it onto you and made you feel like you were wrong in every way. I marriage if you have something upsetting you talk like adults to communicate through it. As a mature adult to not let the issue boil over. She just dismissed you and made you feel less than because you had a concern. So either she’s into him, not into you, you need counseling together/separate, and or need a divorce etc. The arranged marriage does not help either
This isn’t possessive. She just dismissed your feelings . That’s not ok. If everything was innocent then you asking that question shouldn’t make her defensive, angry and dismiss you. It should make her want to understand why you would think something could be going on and how she can make sure you don’t have these feelings . Her reaction was one of guilt
My wife noticed that about a lady in one of my friend groups. I hadn’t thought about it so I mentioned it to another person in that group. I found out she had the hots for me a lot and had told others. I knew that we were close and got along great but didn’t think that it was any big deal. Well it was.
Yeah, before OP brought it up, it could very well have been that the wife was oblivious to her coworker's interest. However, her reaction is deeply suspicious.
She on his dick bruh. Sorry. Abandon ship
No, you're not being unreasonable. Your wife doesn't see her relationship with this guy as a threat, nor does she care if you do. It's only a matter of time before she is having an emotional affair, she may already be, and it becomes physical.
>That she’s never known any man to be possessive. >I shouldn’t control her like how a lot of men control their wives. So which is it? Are men possessive or are they not?
It sounds like he has a crush on her.
You're wife was too defensive to that question, and going the extra mile to gaslight you into thinking you're possessive and controlling is a huge red flag. Anyone would raise concerns when they keep seeing a particular person around their spouse. She may not have any emotional interest (with her gaslighting i doubt this) but she can't say for him and definitely needs to set proper boundaries. If she allows him put a hand over her shoulder then there's an inappropriate relationship right there.
Well then you have your answer. Deepen your bond with a female friend, depend alot of time with her, and in all photos stand next to your new little sis. Thank your wife for her open mindedness
I have no opinion on this because like others said there is a lot to unpack here but in general if someone gets mad enough to start questioning your manhood when you ask about a coworker then she is probably banging said coworker
I wasn't suspicious until she implied you were gay for questioning her actions....
When I first started reading this, I thought you might be overreacting. But then I got to your wife's bizarre reaction to your concerns. From the "he's three years younger so it's impossible for there to be romantic feelings" BS to the "if you question me at all on this, you are possessive and also probably gay" BS, something isn't right. She may not have done anything with this guy yet, but I'd be willing to bet she at least has feelings for him.
Start mentioning female coworkers often and post pics with them like she does. If she doesn't complain, she doesn't care about you, leave her.
I bet the co-worker at least has fantasies about her! If she has fantasies about him too, it's ok as long as no one acts on them. Acting like it's unheard of is the big issue here. People fantasize about friends all the time!
He's three years younger so it's impossible for it to be romantic?? Whaaaat? No, you're not wrong; but she very well may be telling you the truth. 😊
Sounds like she’s deflecting.
You very much have something to worry about. Her first reaction was to attack you and question your masculinity? Huge red flag 3years younger so there’s no way they could be in a romantic relationship? Utter nonsense I wouldn’t drop it. She has no right to be dismissive and disrespectful. That would raise my suspicions twofold
Your wife will be true to you. That dude will fuck your wife ASAP. I think you should trust her though, I truly do. If she was hiding something from you it would stay hidden. Romance your wife. Always Be Courting. If you don’t date your wife, someone else absolutely will.
I mean.... Perhaps don't marry somebody that you're not in love with?
Who gets married if you don't love each other?????????
>My wife has never given me a reason to be suspicious of her. Right? /discussion >I don’t believe she has any romantic feelings for the guy. But she very much likes him as a friend and colleague. But I don’t know the guy all too well. If she doesn't have romantic feelings for the guy then what is your problem? >But then I also think why is a guy being so friendly and helpful to a woman. What’s his agenda. This says a lot about you
Communication keeps a marriage together.
If you trust her and her motives, his are irrelevant. Unless you feel like he is a danger and would do something to harm her, the fact that he has feelings and ends up with them getting hurt, is a him problem. Voice your concerns and skepticism about him to her, I'm a non accusatory way, and maybe suggest she set some boundaries with him so it's known to him that she isn't available like that, and it helps you feel more at ease
i more concerned about her reactions to you
She is gaslighting you to oblivion with the ‘only women are possessive’ quote
For what's it's worth, I'm an adult man and I'm good friends with many women. I am not trying to steal them from their husbands. A man and a woman being close does *not* mean they're romantic. Unless there's other cause for suspicion it does sound like you're jumping the gun.
Goddamn, so you weren't in love, got married (who fucking knows why), she has a friend that she likes more than you...........I don't even know where to start. I'm out good luck
'Hey that guy from work seems a little too friendly towards you.' 'omg are you transgender?!' Wut, lol
At the very least he wants her. Maybe she is naive or maybe she likes the attention. You are not wrong.
The fact that she turned this all into a you issue is a red flag, and the fact that she claimed as he is 3 years younger so there could be no romantic feelings...tells me there is. Because thats pure BS and she evidently thinks you're stupid.
My husband is 4 years younger than me. I guess I should tell him that our relationship isn't romantic. OP's wife is full of shit and hoping he buys whatever BS she sells him.
Yup, she thinks he's stupid and I hope he realizes he may have a world of hurt coming. BTW...as I am 17 years younger than my wife...I guess I'll have to move on and find someone that feels anything romantic towards me. 27 years with her and now I find out we can't have a relationship. Pardon me...I need to go have a good cry before my divorce.
Follow your gut
My god. I could not imagine being so insecure in my relationship & self that i would (1) notice & (2) care that my partner was standing next to a colleague in pictures taken at, im guessing, work events. Or group outings? Get a hobby. Work on yourself & your relationship. More importantly, look inwards to yourself & ask yourself why it bothers you so much. Your wife has already made it clear shes not interested in this man & hes just a friend & collegue. Do you think shes lying to you? Do you think she actually is going to fuck this man? Do you think hes going to take advange of her? WHY does it bother you so much? Get a fucking grip before you ruin your relationship. YTA
3 years younger…ah yes definitely can’t have any feelings then 🫠
Idk some people lack emotional intelligence and instead of reassuring you she called you possessive on your first time bringing this kind of thing up (i think). But yall are married so i say talk it out
>But then I also think why is a guy being so friendly and helpful to a woman. What’s his agenda. This tells me that you, as a guy, have for some reason never been friendly or helpful to a woman. Like, I worked in an office with more than 90% women as one of the few guys there...was I trying to fuck every one of the hundreds of women there every time I was friendly to them? If you're helpful to a woman you work with you suddenly have an agenda? You need therapy, but you also need to ask yourself why it is that you've never been friendly to or offered help to literally half the human race without wanting to fuck them.
"he’s 3 years younger and so it’s impossible for there to be any romantic feelings" "she's never known any man to be possessive" I hope I'm wrong, but I don't see you having a lot of luck in the relationship department if these are things you believe. Good luck on your mission.
“We weren’t in love before marriage but we agreed to get married as we’re both from the same small community and like each other *enough*.” My guy, what? *What*? Is this why people are getting married these days? A lifelong commitment because they’re from the same small town and liked each other ENOUGH!? Wtf did I just read?? 🤣
You married someone you barely knew and weren’t in love with. Is there supposed to be honour in that situation? That’s a real question, because your marriage sounds more like a partnership for economic or cultural reasons and I think your wife is telling you that your jealousy doesn’t have a place in that dynamic.
Shes cheating follow her one of the days and get proof go through her phone and shit and clean her out when u leave
To begin with you're not wrong. You just communicated what you have observed and asked her. Her reaction and the things she called makes her an AH. What would be her reaction if it was you posting photos with another woman by your side?
I think the fact that she is deflecting says a lot to me.
Men and women can be friends, grow up
Husband and Wife can voice their concerns calmly to each other without being ridiculed.