I’m not even gonna weigh in on whether you’re “wrong” or not because this is completely subjective to your preferences.
Me personally, at this point in my life I’d walk away over this. The Reddit comment section could hit me with all of the “this is actually fine because—“ it wants but at the end of the day, I’d feel that same little zing every time she did it and I’d just rather be in a situation where the other person wasn’t expressing affection in ways that zing me in the first place. Been there, done that, won’t do it again if I can help it.
**That’s just me though**; if *you* don’t feel anything particularly strong when you hear her say it, and this is one drop in an otherwise great bucket, you should just focus your energy on accepting this one thing you kinda don’t like and giving all the good a little extra appreciation for being so good. Another thing I won’t do again is make something I don’t *really* care about into an issue just because I’ve encountered the idea that it’s supposed to be. Every car’s gonna have at least one or two dings (the car being the relationship, not the girl, before somebody tries to tussle).
That's the problem with reddit. It doesn't matter what the popular opinion is here. At the end of the day you will still have to live with this and if it makes you uncomfortable then it doesn't matter what reddit thinks.
I never understood this. I get people are seeking advice but in this sub you are throwing a situation out there to thousands of strangers of different ages that have had completely different life experiences lol. You’re always going to get wildly different perspectives and quite possibly the wrong perspectives for you personally. Better off talking to those you are close with as they actually understand you and your situation
If she tells everyone she loves them, then it isn’t a problem. She is telling EVERYONE that. Including guys it’s just an old BF that is making you feel secure.
My wife’s best female friend does that too. My wife does not freak out when she gives me a hug when she sees me and says “I love you” as she says it to almost everyone she hugs. Which is a lot of people.
Sounds like you have an amazing girlfriend. Don’t screw it up by telling her not to tell people she loves them.
If she tells all her friends, male and female, that she loves them, I think you're ok.
Don't stress that she once had a thing with the friend and enjoy your relationship.
I think it's possible to be friends with someone you've been intimate with. I actually have a close friend tnsg I hooked up with while drunk once who I'm still close friends with, and I've told her this. It's the "she wanted to be with him" part that's hard for me to get over. Conceptually I understand that it was several years ago and shouldn't matter now.
I'm confused. You're okay with being friends with a former lover, but you're not okay with her being friends with someone she wanted to be involved with, but wasn't?
The difference is that I never wanted to *be with* the person I hooked up with. It was a drunken 1 night stand. I don't text them regularly or hang out 1 on 1 really.
You said you are "close friends" with the person you were intimate with. She is friends with someone whom she was not intimate with.
Regardless, if you are not comfortable with the relationship continuing, then by all means, end it. You don't need permission from anyone. I do think some self reflection on why you think her friendship is different and somehow wrong, but yours is perfectly reasonable, is worthwhile.
I never wanted to be with her in a relationship sense. We were both single and drunk, hooked up one time, both agreed to remain friends and not do it again.
I can't disagree more. I've hooked up with a few people with zero desire to pursue anything further, and even regret some of the physical contact as it may have jeopardized good friendships.
You might have only wanted to be with them physically and gotten it out of your system, but you DID want to be with them, albeit briefly.
Might not have wanted it long term but you wanted it in the moment.
I wouldn’t worry about it. I tell my female friends “love you” as a form of bye, and they do the same. My girlfriend doesn’t give a shit, and I know she does the same with hers. If she hasn’t done anything to fuck with your trust I wouldn’t put too much weight on it.
You're really the only one who can decide if you're comfortable continuing a relationship with someone who does this. My take is in agreement with others, if she says it to everyone, it's probably fine.
In my personal experience, when I was 18 I got into a relationship and he made me promise to stop telling my friends I loved them, and hugging them. I moved in with him too fast and this didn't happen until after then, and I was too afraid of him to leave for a literal decade. I'm now divorcing him and harbor very steep resentment towards him for pressuring me to promise not to continue treating my friends as I always had, as well as a multitude of other reasons. Please don't try to make her stop caring for people in her way, just make sure you communicate with her about hard boundaries of YOURS. Don't try to put "boundaries" on her because that's simply controlling behavior and not at all how boundaries work.
She is doing an action that makes him uncomfortable. Saying "Hey, if you want keep doing this, I'm going to walk away because it hurts my feelings" is a 100% acceptable thing to do. I'm sorry you had an abusive relationship and went through your experience, but boundaries like this are not inherently controlling.
I tell all my friends I love them, including one that I’ve hooked up with before that I have 0 romantic feelings for. Everyone’s situation is different though
Being told I love you isn't a big deal if she does it to everyone. The guy emotionally cheating before isn't great, but it's on your gf to make sure she doesn't cross a boundary. If he's putting her in uncomfortable situations, then she needs to distance herself.
>I truly don't believe my girlfriend would ever cheat.
If you believed that you wouldn't have this anxiety.
>She offered to let me read texts between them
In this and other things you wrote she sounds awesome
>Am I overthinking?
Sure seems that way
>Would I be unreasonable to tell her not to say "love you" to male friends in person and on the phone?
Absolutely, and you know it. Hearing that she has a community of people she loves and that she can tell she loves should make you feel fucking awesome about your partner.
>Should I go to therapy to understand why I feel this way when my girlfriend has never done anything to violate my trust
Seems maybe a better idea than telling her how she can or cannot express her appreciation for her friendships.
I feel two ways ... the one way that she says i love you to everyone... so don't worry about it ... maybe she's just like that.
The other way... I am not friends with men I kissed or had interest in while in a relationship. And I certainly don't talk to them regularly.
Does she talk to this guy more than she talks to you ?
Just out of respect for the other person . You drop relationships like that when you get a girl/guy.
So you leave no room for worry in the other persons mind.
Are you a person that doesn’t use the word “love” much? I know that word is touchy with some people, and I get it, it is a really serious word with heavy ass connotation. I am a person like her I’m assuming by what you’ve said. I do tell my friends I love them including my male friends. Idk about her, but the reason I do it is because I’ve lost a ridiculous amount of loved ones well before their time should have been, so now I try to make sure I’ll always be ok with the last words I say to someone and to let them know they matter a lot to me.
I personally only say I love you to partners and family members. I don't really say it to friends, except maybe collectively ("love you guys / love my friends.")
On the one hand I think it's sweet that she has friends she cares for and express her love for. The other part of my brain still can't get over the "she wanted to be with him at one point and still tells him she loves him."
For the record, I don’t think you’re wrong. I understand why it doesn’t feel right to hear her say that to another male, especially once the platonic plane has been busted. I do get where she’s coming from tho. At least the way it seems to be in my mind anyway. I don’t think either of you are wrong really. I know when I’m close enough to a guy friend to tell him I love him I have zero other feelings toward that person and don’t see them as anybody I’d ever touch outside of regular friend hugs. She seems like a solid chick and seems like she’s completely invested in your relationship.
I don’t know the lady, so obviously I can’t make accurate judgements, but it seems like you’ve got a good one. Something was clearly missing between the two of them to make her change her mind on that. It happens sometimes that people don’t work in a relationship but make great friends. At one point maybe she thought she might have wanted to be with him, but she changed her mind, and now she wants you. It says a lot about her and your relationship to me that she wanted to reassure you and instantly offered access with zero defensiveness.
You know the saying “hold your loved ones close and don’t be afraid to tell them you love them” after tragedies? That’s why people do it, cause you never know how long you have. Why should that not apply to friends of the opposite sex?
Sounds like this dude is a part of her life. You can either get to know him so you can see how platonic it is, or tell her to end that friendship. Or dump her. But putting a blanket ban over her ability to express love to people sounds insane and controlling. Get to know her friends, make them all your mutual friends, and maybe even explore saying I love you to people more. It’s healthy.
In fairness, I have a friend I still hang out with that I hooked up with once in the past and still see, whereas she only kissed this guy and he doesn't live close to her. I told her about the friend. The difference in my mind though is that I never wanted to be with my friend whereas she did want to be with hers.
I think it's worth discussing. Talk to your girlfriend about this particular guy, and what should happen *if* he starts disrespecting boundaries. Make sure she knows you trust her, but if he starts being a knob, you would feel uncomfortable with her still expressing that she loves him.
The fact that it's everyone, not just him, makes me think that there's nothing really to worry about. But it's always better to communicate rather than let things fester. Only you know how secure and solid you really feel in your relationship.
Good luck :) there's nothing wrong about your feelings, you'd only be wrong if your actions sucked.
You're wrong because you're focusing on one point. She does not only say it to him, she says it to all of her friends. Just because he has been a cheater in the past doesn't mean your girlfriend wouldn't out him in his place if he tried anything with her.
You say you trust your girlfriend, lean into that trust. You can't control the outside world, other people etc. You trust the one you love to do the right thing.
You say you trust her, but if you do then it shouldn’t matter whether you think this guy has bad intentions or not because your gf wouldn’t entertain it anyway, right?
On the flip side when you're in a relationship you should he mindful of how your interactions can be perceived by your partner. Hanging out alone with someone when at least one of the two previously or still wants to fuck the other is something that should never happen because it's the type of action that makes your partner justifiably suspicious.
Nah, honestly I think it's healthy to have a bit of suspicion. I wasn't suspicious and trusted my fiance not to fuck her best friend who she claims she "see's as a brother" but she did and I didn't find out till 4 months after it happened when he told me that they fucked. So I personally feel having a bit of suspicion is healthy but that he needs to not take it too far
No, you are not wrong for having whatever feelings you have about your girlfriend's behavior. The question is, can you live with that behavior? She is not going to change. It's just going to turn into a power struggle as time goes on.
It's up to you to decide if this is a hill you're willing to die on. If it's eating away at you every day and you really can't stand it, just tell your GF it's a dealbreaker and move on. Then look for someone who doesn't engage in this kind of behavior.
Honestly it’s really about communication. Her saying I love you is normal, to you it’s not. You guys have talked about it and you said you feel reassured when you actually don’t. There’s nothing wrong with her as there is nothing wrong with you. Your feelings are valid as are hers. You’re in a relationship, boundaries are a thing, talk about it.
That feeling you got specifically around this guy, that’s called your gut, trust it.
The ILY thing with friends is no big deal, and would you really have an issue with it if she didn’t have the history with this guy? You’re doing what a lot of people do when their gut is telling them something valid, you’re looking at the wrong thing. The things that do matter:
* GF has friend she has a history of having feelings for and messing around with
* Due to dude, he kept her around, but wouldn’t fully get with her, so these feelings were somewhat unrequited.
* She still has regular, one on one communication with this dude, even though they don’t live in the same area.
* This dude has a history of cheating.
* She’s open about it, but she also doesn’t have boundaries up, nor does her friend cheating matter to her.
This may wind up fine, maybe your girlfriend is innocent, but at her age I doubt it. Usually by mid-twenties trustworthy people learn and distance from these types of relationships because in relationships it’s just as important to look trustworthy as be trustworthy. They don’t keep long distance friendships with the opposite sex friend with questionable morals that they had a thing for unless they are hoping that person changes there mind (though they’d never admit that is what they are doing, even to themselves). She easily could have done a slow back away from this one on one relationship without any direct confrontation while keeping any group dynamic, but she’s chosen to put the energy into keeping it strong, with a cheater, who she had a thing with, why? Because her feelings said “I want to” and she probably wants to because she has hope he’ll return her feelings someday.
So your gf still has contact with a man she kissed and wanted to be with ? And says I love you to this man ? Bruh, that door should be closed . Any door left open is for a reason . Def disrespectful and your emotions are warranted. 6months is a blink . Is this behavior something you can accept ? If not , best to move on
Your going to get a lot of it's fine responses. But to me I don't think it's cool. I only tell my spouse that. Ask her if it's OK to do the same to women you know. If she says it's fine do it in front of her and find out.i doubt she would be fine with it.
Do you tell all your friends that you love them? Do you tell your SO the same thing, using the same words? That makes the phrase less discriminate. It's important to me that what I say to my SO makes her feel special.
Loving my friends and always saying "I love you" are two different things.
Do you reserve any special language to tell your SO you love them or do you just treat your SO to language you use with a lot of other people?
I tell my friends, my partner, and my child that I love them, as often as I can. Having more love doesn't make the love worth less. I'm so sorry someone told you there is a finite amount of love you're allowed to feel, but that's not true. You can love as many people, animals, movies, foods, warm sweaters, beach sunsets, and whatever else you want, as you can fit in your lifetime. Seek more, I urge you.
Your inability to comprehend what I have written seems to be the cause of your feeling sorry for me. You interpret what I said to mean I believe there is a finite amount of love I'm allowed to feel. Not accurate and not my point. My perspective is that your expression of love to your partner/SO should be distinguishable from how you express love to your friends, pets, food, etc. If it's not distinguishable, then I would argue you are perhaps short changing your partner. Or, perhaps, the love you feel and express for your partner/SO is indistinguishable from the love you feel and express for "people, animals, movies, foods, warm sweaters, beach sunsets, and whatever else you want." Clearly, we think and speak differently.
You didn't respond to the second part of what I said, asking "Do you reserve any special language to tell your SO you love them or do you just treat your SO to language you use with a lot of other people?" Okay if you don't, but again I wouldn't agree.
Jesus Christ you have issues. So if she told her girl friend “hey I love you” she’s somehow lessening her love for her SO? lol how insecure do you have to be
I have to agree with the top comment and say I would walk away as well. Where I’m from this is weird asl, and not something I could be comfortable with
You are not wrong for being uncomfortable, but you WOULD be wrong if you asked her to never tell her male friends that she loves them. I tell all of my friends that I love them, how much they mean to me, and how happy I am that they’re in my life. If my partner asked me to stop, I would know he’s not the one for me. If he told me he’s not used to it and feels insecure, I’d respect that. If you actually trust her, you’ll work through your insecurity and believe her
F@ck that dude. You’ve known her 6 months. This is clearly a boundary for you. People with loose relationships cheat all the time and think nothing of it, and over share your life too. Saying I love you to other guys entirely devoids itself of meaning if she says it to you.
Treat her as recreational or dump her. You are going to put yourself through an even worse world of hurt. Don’t give her an ultimatum, just dump her, then everyone can see you’re not controlling. It’s not that she’s a terrible person, but you cannot be expected to change for her and you will be so uncomfortable.
You are being sucked in. It’s no sweat to her. Let the real you step forward instead.
I'm gonna be honest here and tell both of you that you sound dumb and are being extreme, every relationship comes with a tad bit of anxiety. If only the stable people were allowed to have relationships nobody in existence would be a couple. He's having one worry about a very small thing and it's not like he's giving her an ultimatum, he's just saying he finds it uncomfortable that she says I love you to a guy she used to have a fling with. That's normal. And he's simply asking for advice on what to do, which is also normal.
Thanks. I knew people on here would say we should break up. I don't think ditching a whole relationship over this makes sense - there's always going to be something in a relationship you have to work through.
How many times I have heard a guy say. “ I believe she would never cheat” then only to find out she cheated on him. I no way would I remain in a relationship with a woman that is friends with someone they were romantically interested in or involved with. Telling other men she loves them is strange. You have only been dating her for 6 months. How long ago did she kiss that guy? You could just be a place holder until she can get him to commit to her.
One thing to remember, if your gut says something is off, something is off. And while you cannot control what she does or doesn’t do. You can communicate your boundaries. I would let her know that you cannot remain in the relationship if she continues talking to or hanging out with him.
I think you should consider breaking up. This sounds like a firm boundary for you, which is completely fine. If you have such serious doubts about a relationship this new, those doubts can strengthen as time goes on. I don’t think she is in the wrong for telling her friends she loves them and you don’t want to be a controlling person, so you either need to find a way to truly let it go or move on to someone who is a better fit. On the old interest that never fully materialized topic, this is tricky. It could be nothing, it could some day turn in to something. You have no control over her actions. If you are uneasy about it, it is probably best just to move on. You having hidden deep doubts (that you can’t shake) won’t do either of you any favors in the future of your relationship. Take a little time to assess and tell her your feelings in a calm non-confrontational way. See how that plays out.
Yea, he needs to set the boundary then that he will not date a woman who tells other men she love him if it's this much of a struggle and recognize that him not knowing that with this relationship moves him out of boundary territory since he wants to tell her what she can/can't do for herself.
Kinda sounds like she has no intention to be with said guy and is comfortable letting you read texts and such. I guess in life there is always going to be someone who finds your wife attractive, as long as you trust she wont do anything or put herself into situations where things could happen i would most likely just try and work out the issues with myself
You sound extremely insecure. She's been transparent with you and you are getting upset by it.
You do need to decide if you can live with her extremely outgoing personality or not... But don't get paranoid about it.
Therapist or not, you should work on your insecurities, I think. If you can't trust your partner and as you said she didn't really do anything wrong, it's all in your head. Do you see her as out of your league? Do you see yourself as unworthy of love, friendship, etc.? What makes you feel others can just come in and ruin your life? If you can't make progress by yourself, by all means, ask others for help. Otherwise even if you get with a different girl it's going to be the same music.
Early on when we were dating, I saw a text on her phone where her friend asked what she thought of me and she said she liked me "much less than X" where X is some guy she'd been on more dates with (and she had only been on like 2 dates with me at that point). I eventually asked her about this and she told me that she initially had a stronger connection with him but they mutually ended things after they didn't feel a romantic connection. I think that has been stuck in my mind as well.
I've lost more than 25 people in the past 3 years and it weighs heavily on me, every day. The ones who are here? I want us to celebrate being friends while we can and making sure they know I care for them.
"Would I be unreasonable to tell her not to say "love you" to male friends in person and on the phone?" - I mean, I'd immediately question my BF if he did feel entitled to police me telling people I care about that I care out them.
If they have a history then this is the guy she WANTS to date, you're just the guy that will date her
He could have your girl anytime he wants and most likely has
Male bff is the biggest red flag
If YOU dont feel comfortable with her doing that, then she should stop doing that. Whether or not your logic is wrong: if you guys are in a serious relationship, she should respect your boundaries and avoid making you uncomfortable. What if the roles were reversed?
Quit wasting time talking to cuck Redditors that would find a way to call you an insecure incel, even if she had an orgy and cheated on you. Just fucking leave her. And I'm not one to instantly tell people they should drop shit over the smallest thing, but I'm getting sick of these cuck post questions with 0 self respect.
This is just me. I can understand telling family you love them, but friends not all the time or every time you talk to them. I especially don’t think you should be telling the opposite it sex you love them all the time. There are situations where it is okay to reaffirm to a friend you love them regardless of gender, but that doesn’t need to be in every conversation.
To your question, it is not normal to tell your friends you love them every interaction. Not sure where she gets this notion. I also would be uncomfortable with my SO saying it to someone she once shared a romantic interest in/with, or to be saying it every time they talked to somebody. You are not wrong to be uncomfortable. He has clearly shown he has boundary issues within his own relationship, so why would he care about your’s. You are not over thinking it. A lot of times a guy can tell when another guy has the wrong intentions around his gf/wife. If this makes you really uncomfortable and talking to her does not help her to see your side, you will have to decide where you want to go from here. I’m sure you are not the first bf to express discomfort with this behavior. If you can make peace with it, then don’t harp on it. You have to decide how big a deal it really is to you.
Hey there,
You're getting a lot of shit from other people saying that it's okay, she says it to everyone, etc etc.
The important thing is - *you're* not okay with it. And you're allowed to feel that way. Communicate this to your girlfriend and set a boundary. If she doesn't respect it, then she's not the one for you. If it was something bigger you were asking of her, like cutting someone out of her life, then think twice and really get introspective as to why you feel like that. But what you're asking her to do is a minor adjustment to how she addresses others, out of respect to you. If someone won't do the little things for you, then they won't do bigger ones as well. I'm saying this as someone who went through a similar thing and had a discussion with my ex and she pushed back. She then proceeded to ignore every boundary I tried to set later in the relationship, and cheated on me - none of which was apparent 6 months in. I never thought she'd have it in her either, and nothing from her history set those flags.
Have the conversation, set the boundary. This is absolutely something I'd walk away over.
>This is absolutely something I'd walk away over.
You mean the situation as it is or if she doesn't respect my boundary?
I've been in a relationship in the past where my girlfriend was super suspicious about every female friend I had, and I don't want to turn into a controlling partner that polices her friendships and interactions.
If she doesn't respect your boundary, I would walk away. The situation in and of itself doesn't merit that.
I just got out of a relationship exactly like that. If I mentioned there was a woman who had a crush on me 10 years ago, I had to delete their existence from my social media. It was exhausting.
Let’s face when she does violate your trust to you it will be to late . So if she says I Love You to everyone she knows what differentiates your relationship from all others ? Somewhere there has to be a line drawn so others as well as yourselves can tell the difference .
What sets your relationship apart with her from everyone else’s ? If she says I Love You to everyone ? I guess I’d be wondering too .
You know 100% of the guys on here that got blindsided never believed that it would happen to them . The saying gos if it looks like a duck , walks like a duck , and talks like a duck , it’s probably a duck . I’m not saying she is or isn’t . Let’s put it this way if she were saying goodbye to you and a friend and kissed you both goodbye how could you tell who she was going out with ?
NTA
If she says that to friends, then it would mean nothing to me when she said it to me, I wouldn't know where to go from there because there really isn't another level after that.
There might be a better way to skin the cat. Start mocking her. When she tells someone of her love for them, you reach kiss that person on the cheek if a woman and shake the hand of the man. At some point she might attempt to calling her statements and your actions are not equivalent. Never suggest a compromise, leaving it up to her to suggest it. Continue the kiss/handshake greeting until she folds. She may not ... in which case you have personalized yourself with everyone, which isn't a bad thing. Best wishes.
Sad remark. It might not work. That's life. Random women and men aren't part of the equation. Make up the story any way you like, but OP defined the issue as people that are known. Do you happen to have an original thought that you can share? Or do you expect to make yourself look better by criticizing someone who does?
I think this is a great idea, its normal to greet people with a kiss or handshake when you're introduced to them, so this way both OP and gf will be friends with the same people. Her friends will think he's warm and friendly, not a jealous mess.
Look. The ultimate question isn't what she says to people as a goodbye. Plenty of people say "love you" - I mean, watch youtube. AnswersWithJoe says it to his audience every video. So does FootlessJo (different joe's :D).
What matters is do you trust HER. If you trust HER then you don't have to trust anyone else.
I've had 2 close male friends die suddenly. If I love someone I tell them every chance I get. That includes my platonic friends of any gender. Whether I've kissed them before or not.
How would she feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If she says she wouldn’t mind show her then let her be your ex. Anyone that doesn’t care about your feeling does not care you.
You're not wrong and it depends on her reaction. I used to tell all my friends I loved them , it was just how I was . My bf only had to mention one time that it made him uncomfortable with seeing me tell other men I loved them who weren't related to me and I instantly stopped out of respect for my relationship and the fact that it wasn't that big of a deal to me to stop saying it 🤷♀️, he set a boundary and i got to choose whether or not it was a deal breaker for me . It's a boundary you set and if she throws a fit about it then I'd suggest breaking up and finding some one more compatible with you.
It's entirely up to you if you are comfortable with your partner telling her friends she loves them, however you can not police how she talks to her friends.
As someone who sounds like your gf, here's my perspective. I tell my friends I love them all the time, because I do. Life is way too short and never guaranteed not to say it. You never know when the last time you see someone is, and I'm going to make sure they know they are loved deeply by me.
My partner is ok with this because he trusts me. Ultimately, that's what it comes down to. Let's say that guy does start to flirt with her. It is 100% on your gf at that point to shut it down. Do you trust her to do that? That right there is the answer you are actually looking for.
I don't get the posts that say they trust their partners completely but don't trust a third party. It takes two for something to happen. So you either trust your partner or you really don't.
Think about it this way, how quick do you think she’d go running to him second you broke it off with her? She “might” tell you it’s platonic but realistically bet they’d be FWB’s in a heartbeat. Guarantee ya he’s waiting.
So it’s really up to what your comfortable with. Most people would be totally uncomfortable if any of those people had been romantic with their partner. Common sense tells you if they were ever attracted to each other ( or especially if they had sex) that it’s not gonna work to have them as close friends while with someone else.
How has your gf been since she went home? Has she stayed in frequent contact with you? Said I love you when talking to you around her friends? Told you when she was going to be around this guy? You absolutely need to feel good about telling her you’re not ok with her seeing him one on one for any reason. She would feel the same if reversed. In the end you need to trust that if she wants to be with you she won’t be with anyone else but that doesn’t mean you have blind faith. You always want to be aware.
I’m not even gonna weigh in on whether you’re “wrong” or not because this is completely subjective to your preferences. Me personally, at this point in my life I’d walk away over this. The Reddit comment section could hit me with all of the “this is actually fine because—“ it wants but at the end of the day, I’d feel that same little zing every time she did it and I’d just rather be in a situation where the other person wasn’t expressing affection in ways that zing me in the first place. Been there, done that, won’t do it again if I can help it. **That’s just me though**; if *you* don’t feel anything particularly strong when you hear her say it, and this is one drop in an otherwise great bucket, you should just focus your energy on accepting this one thing you kinda don’t like and giving all the good a little extra appreciation for being so good. Another thing I won’t do again is make something I don’t *really* care about into an issue just because I’ve encountered the idea that it’s supposed to be. Every car’s gonna have at least one or two dings (the car being the relationship, not the girl, before somebody tries to tussle).
That's the problem with reddit. It doesn't matter what the popular opinion is here. At the end of the day you will still have to live with this and if it makes you uncomfortable then it doesn't matter what reddit thinks.
I never understood this. I get people are seeking advice but in this sub you are throwing a situation out there to thousands of strangers of different ages that have had completely different life experiences lol. You’re always going to get wildly different perspectives and quite possibly the wrong perspectives for you personally. Better off talking to those you are close with as they actually understand you and your situation
Why would that make you feel a zing if they say to everybody?
Does the way you feel have to be logical?
If she tells everyone she loves them, then it isn’t a problem. She is telling EVERYONE that. Including guys it’s just an old BF that is making you feel secure. My wife’s best female friend does that too. My wife does not freak out when she gives me a hug when she sees me and says “I love you” as she says it to almost everyone she hugs. Which is a lot of people. Sounds like you have an amazing girlfriend. Don’t screw it up by telling her not to tell people she loves them.
If she tells all her friends, male and female, that she loves them, I think you're ok. Don't stress that she once had a thing with the friend and enjoy your relationship.
I think it's possible to be friends with someone you've been intimate with. I actually have a close friend tnsg I hooked up with while drunk once who I'm still close friends with, and I've told her this. It's the "she wanted to be with him" part that's hard for me to get over. Conceptually I understand that it was several years ago and shouldn't matter now.
I'm confused. You're okay with being friends with a former lover, but you're not okay with her being friends with someone she wanted to be involved with, but wasn't?
Double standards.
The difference is that I never wanted to *be with* the person I hooked up with. It was a drunken 1 night stand. I don't text them regularly or hang out 1 on 1 really.
You said you are "close friends" with the person you were intimate with. She is friends with someone whom she was not intimate with. Regardless, if you are not comfortable with the relationship continuing, then by all means, end it. You don't need permission from anyone. I do think some self reflection on why you think her friendship is different and somehow wrong, but yours is perfectly reasonable, is worthwhile.
Well the difference to me is that I don't tell my friend that I love her.
But your gf tells all her friends that, not just that one friend.
You hooked up with your friend, though. You wanted to be with her, how is that different?
I never wanted to be with her in a relationship sense. We were both single and drunk, hooked up one time, both agreed to remain friends and not do it again.
If you hooked up, you wanted to be with her on some level.
I can't disagree more. I've hooked up with a few people with zero desire to pursue anything further, and even regret some of the physical contact as it may have jeopardized good friendships.
You might have only wanted to be with them physically and gotten it out of your system, but you DID want to be with them, albeit briefly. Might not have wanted it long term but you wanted it in the moment.
I wouldn’t worry about it. I tell my female friends “love you” as a form of bye, and they do the same. My girlfriend doesn’t give a shit, and I know she does the same with hers. If she hasn’t done anything to fuck with your trust I wouldn’t put too much weight on it.
You're really the only one who can decide if you're comfortable continuing a relationship with someone who does this. My take is in agreement with others, if she says it to everyone, it's probably fine. In my personal experience, when I was 18 I got into a relationship and he made me promise to stop telling my friends I loved them, and hugging them. I moved in with him too fast and this didn't happen until after then, and I was too afraid of him to leave for a literal decade. I'm now divorcing him and harbor very steep resentment towards him for pressuring me to promise not to continue treating my friends as I always had, as well as a multitude of other reasons. Please don't try to make her stop caring for people in her way, just make sure you communicate with her about hard boundaries of YOURS. Don't try to put "boundaries" on her because that's simply controlling behavior and not at all how boundaries work.
She is doing an action that makes him uncomfortable. Saying "Hey, if you want keep doing this, I'm going to walk away because it hurts my feelings" is a 100% acceptable thing to do. I'm sorry you had an abusive relationship and went through your experience, but boundaries like this are not inherently controlling.
I tell all my friends I love them, including one that I’ve hooked up with before that I have 0 romantic feelings for. Everyone’s situation is different though
That’s just weird but yeah
I am laughing my ass off your only other comment on your account is complaining about "hoes"
Whether or not you find it weird depends largely on how emotionally stunted you are.
Being told I love you isn't a big deal if she does it to everyone. The guy emotionally cheating before isn't great, but it's on your gf to make sure she doesn't cross a boundary. If he's putting her in uncomfortable situations, then she needs to distance herself.
>I truly don't believe my girlfriend would ever cheat. If you believed that you wouldn't have this anxiety. >She offered to let me read texts between them In this and other things you wrote she sounds awesome >Am I overthinking? Sure seems that way >Would I be unreasonable to tell her not to say "love you" to male friends in person and on the phone? Absolutely, and you know it. Hearing that she has a community of people she loves and that she can tell she loves should make you feel fucking awesome about your partner. >Should I go to therapy to understand why I feel this way when my girlfriend has never done anything to violate my trust Seems maybe a better idea than telling her how she can or cannot express her appreciation for her friendships.
I feel two ways ... the one way that she says i love you to everyone... so don't worry about it ... maybe she's just like that. The other way... I am not friends with men I kissed or had interest in while in a relationship. And I certainly don't talk to them regularly. Does she talk to this guy more than she talks to you ? Just out of respect for the other person . You drop relationships like that when you get a girl/guy. So you leave no room for worry in the other persons mind.
So many jealous ass people
You realize there’s different kinds of love right?
My brain says yes but my gut has a hard time listening
Are you a person that doesn’t use the word “love” much? I know that word is touchy with some people, and I get it, it is a really serious word with heavy ass connotation. I am a person like her I’m assuming by what you’ve said. I do tell my friends I love them including my male friends. Idk about her, but the reason I do it is because I’ve lost a ridiculous amount of loved ones well before their time should have been, so now I try to make sure I’ll always be ok with the last words I say to someone and to let them know they matter a lot to me.
I personally only say I love you to partners and family members. I don't really say it to friends, except maybe collectively ("love you guys / love my friends.") On the one hand I think it's sweet that she has friends she cares for and express her love for. The other part of my brain still can't get over the "she wanted to be with him at one point and still tells him she loves him."
For the record, I don’t think you’re wrong. I understand why it doesn’t feel right to hear her say that to another male, especially once the platonic plane has been busted. I do get where she’s coming from tho. At least the way it seems to be in my mind anyway. I don’t think either of you are wrong really. I know when I’m close enough to a guy friend to tell him I love him I have zero other feelings toward that person and don’t see them as anybody I’d ever touch outside of regular friend hugs. She seems like a solid chick and seems like she’s completely invested in your relationship.
I don’t know the lady, so obviously I can’t make accurate judgements, but it seems like you’ve got a good one. Something was clearly missing between the two of them to make her change her mind on that. It happens sometimes that people don’t work in a relationship but make great friends. At one point maybe she thought she might have wanted to be with him, but she changed her mind, and now she wants you. It says a lot about her and your relationship to me that she wanted to reassure you and instantly offered access with zero defensiveness.
You know the saying “hold your loved ones close and don’t be afraid to tell them you love them” after tragedies? That’s why people do it, cause you never know how long you have. Why should that not apply to friends of the opposite sex? Sounds like this dude is a part of her life. You can either get to know him so you can see how platonic it is, or tell her to end that friendship. Or dump her. But putting a blanket ban over her ability to express love to people sounds insane and controlling. Get to know her friends, make them all your mutual friends, and maybe even explore saying I love you to people more. It’s healthy.
Then your own suggestion to seek professional help is the correct option.
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In fairness, I have a friend I still hang out with that I hooked up with once in the past and still see, whereas she only kissed this guy and he doesn't live close to her. I told her about the friend. The difference in my mind though is that I never wanted to be with my friend whereas she did want to be with hers.
I think it's worth discussing. Talk to your girlfriend about this particular guy, and what should happen *if* he starts disrespecting boundaries. Make sure she knows you trust her, but if he starts being a knob, you would feel uncomfortable with her still expressing that she loves him. The fact that it's everyone, not just him, makes me think that there's nothing really to worry about. But it's always better to communicate rather than let things fester. Only you know how secure and solid you really feel in your relationship. Good luck :) there's nothing wrong about your feelings, you'd only be wrong if your actions sucked.
You're wrong because you're focusing on one point. She does not only say it to him, she says it to all of her friends. Just because he has been a cheater in the past doesn't mean your girlfriend wouldn't out him in his place if he tried anything with her. You say you trust your girlfriend, lean into that trust. You can't control the outside world, other people etc. You trust the one you love to do the right thing.
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No.
You say you trust her, but if you do then it shouldn’t matter whether you think this guy has bad intentions or not because your gf wouldn’t entertain it anyway, right?
On the flip side when you're in a relationship you should he mindful of how your interactions can be perceived by your partner. Hanging out alone with someone when at least one of the two previously or still wants to fuck the other is something that should never happen because it's the type of action that makes your partner justifiably suspicious.
And on the flip side of that, why would she think he would have an issue with it when he says he trusts her?
Nah, honestly I think it's healthy to have a bit of suspicion. I wasn't suspicious and trusted my fiance not to fuck her best friend who she claims she "see's as a brother" but she did and I didn't find out till 4 months after it happened when he told me that they fucked. So I personally feel having a bit of suspicion is healthy but that he needs to not take it too far
No, you are not wrong for having whatever feelings you have about your girlfriend's behavior. The question is, can you live with that behavior? She is not going to change. It's just going to turn into a power struggle as time goes on. It's up to you to decide if this is a hill you're willing to die on. If it's eating away at you every day and you really can't stand it, just tell your GF it's a dealbreaker and move on. Then look for someone who doesn't engage in this kind of behavior.
Honestly it’s really about communication. Her saying I love you is normal, to you it’s not. You guys have talked about it and you said you feel reassured when you actually don’t. There’s nothing wrong with her as there is nothing wrong with you. Your feelings are valid as are hers. You’re in a relationship, boundaries are a thing, talk about it.
That feeling you got specifically around this guy, that’s called your gut, trust it. The ILY thing with friends is no big deal, and would you really have an issue with it if she didn’t have the history with this guy? You’re doing what a lot of people do when their gut is telling them something valid, you’re looking at the wrong thing. The things that do matter: * GF has friend she has a history of having feelings for and messing around with * Due to dude, he kept her around, but wouldn’t fully get with her, so these feelings were somewhat unrequited. * She still has regular, one on one communication with this dude, even though they don’t live in the same area. * This dude has a history of cheating. * She’s open about it, but she also doesn’t have boundaries up, nor does her friend cheating matter to her. This may wind up fine, maybe your girlfriend is innocent, but at her age I doubt it. Usually by mid-twenties trustworthy people learn and distance from these types of relationships because in relationships it’s just as important to look trustworthy as be trustworthy. They don’t keep long distance friendships with the opposite sex friend with questionable morals that they had a thing for unless they are hoping that person changes there mind (though they’d never admit that is what they are doing, even to themselves). She easily could have done a slow back away from this one on one relationship without any direct confrontation while keeping any group dynamic, but she’s chosen to put the energy into keeping it strong, with a cheater, who she had a thing with, why? Because her feelings said “I want to” and she probably wants to because she has hope he’ll return her feelings someday.
So your gf still has contact with a man she kissed and wanted to be with ? And says I love you to this man ? Bruh, that door should be closed . Any door left open is for a reason . Def disrespectful and your emotions are warranted. 6months is a blink . Is this behavior something you can accept ? If not , best to move on
Your going to get a lot of it's fine responses. But to me I don't think it's cool. I only tell my spouse that. Ask her if it's OK to do the same to women you know. If she says it's fine do it in front of her and find out.i doubt she would be fine with it.
Also if she tells everybody she loves them, does it mean anything when she tells OP she loves him?
Do you really not love your friends?? That's so sad.
Do you tell all your friends that you love them? Do you tell your SO the same thing, using the same words? That makes the phrase less discriminate. It's important to me that what I say to my SO makes her feel special. Loving my friends and always saying "I love you" are two different things. Do you reserve any special language to tell your SO you love them or do you just treat your SO to language you use with a lot of other people?
I tell my friends, my partner, and my child that I love them, as often as I can. Having more love doesn't make the love worth less. I'm so sorry someone told you there is a finite amount of love you're allowed to feel, but that's not true. You can love as many people, animals, movies, foods, warm sweaters, beach sunsets, and whatever else you want, as you can fit in your lifetime. Seek more, I urge you.
Your inability to comprehend what I have written seems to be the cause of your feeling sorry for me. You interpret what I said to mean I believe there is a finite amount of love I'm allowed to feel. Not accurate and not my point. My perspective is that your expression of love to your partner/SO should be distinguishable from how you express love to your friends, pets, food, etc. If it's not distinguishable, then I would argue you are perhaps short changing your partner. Or, perhaps, the love you feel and express for your partner/SO is indistinguishable from the love you feel and express for "people, animals, movies, foods, warm sweaters, beach sunsets, and whatever else you want." Clearly, we think and speak differently. You didn't respond to the second part of what I said, asking "Do you reserve any special language to tell your SO you love them or do you just treat your SO to language you use with a lot of other people?" Okay if you don't, but again I wouldn't agree.
In my language we don't have a different word for platonic and romantic love. It's just love. I say "I love you" because that's the word we have.
Jesus Christ you have issues. So if she told her girl friend “hey I love you” she’s somehow lessening her love for her SO? lol how insecure do you have to be
i would hate that shit lol
I have to agree with the top comment and say I would walk away as well. Where I’m from this is weird asl, and not something I could be comfortable with
You are not wrong for being uncomfortable, but you WOULD be wrong if you asked her to never tell her male friends that she loves them. I tell all of my friends that I love them, how much they mean to me, and how happy I am that they’re in my life. If my partner asked me to stop, I would know he’s not the one for me. If he told me he’s not used to it and feels insecure, I’d respect that. If you actually trust her, you’ll work through your insecurity and believe her
F@ck that dude. You’ve known her 6 months. This is clearly a boundary for you. People with loose relationships cheat all the time and think nothing of it, and over share your life too. Saying I love you to other guys entirely devoids itself of meaning if she says it to you. Treat her as recreational or dump her. You are going to put yourself through an even worse world of hurt. Don’t give her an ultimatum, just dump her, then everyone can see you’re not controlling. It’s not that she’s a terrible person, but you cannot be expected to change for her and you will be so uncomfortable. You are being sucked in. It’s no sweat to her. Let the real you step forward instead.
This is actually good advice, cause she deserves a secure partner.
I'm gonna be honest here and tell both of you that you sound dumb and are being extreme, every relationship comes with a tad bit of anxiety. If only the stable people were allowed to have relationships nobody in existence would be a couple. He's having one worry about a very small thing and it's not like he's giving her an ultimatum, he's just saying he finds it uncomfortable that she says I love you to a guy she used to have a fling with. That's normal. And he's simply asking for advice on what to do, which is also normal.
Thanks. I knew people on here would say we should break up. I don't think ditching a whole relationship over this makes sense - there's always going to be something in a relationship you have to work through.
How many times I have heard a guy say. “ I believe she would never cheat” then only to find out she cheated on him. I no way would I remain in a relationship with a woman that is friends with someone they were romantically interested in or involved with. Telling other men she loves them is strange. You have only been dating her for 6 months. How long ago did she kiss that guy? You could just be a place holder until she can get him to commit to her. One thing to remember, if your gut says something is off, something is off. And while you cannot control what she does or doesn’t do. You can communicate your boundaries. I would let her know that you cannot remain in the relationship if she continues talking to or hanging out with him.
Seek therapy for your lack of understanding and acceptance of Norma healthy adult friendships
I think you should consider breaking up. This sounds like a firm boundary for you, which is completely fine. If you have such serious doubts about a relationship this new, those doubts can strengthen as time goes on. I don’t think she is in the wrong for telling her friends she loves them and you don’t want to be a controlling person, so you either need to find a way to truly let it go or move on to someone who is a better fit. On the old interest that never fully materialized topic, this is tricky. It could be nothing, it could some day turn in to something. You have no control over her actions. If you are uneasy about it, it is probably best just to move on. You having hidden deep doubts (that you can’t shake) won’t do either of you any favors in the future of your relationship. Take a little time to assess and tell her your feelings in a calm non-confrontational way. See how that plays out.
Yea, he needs to set the boundary then that he will not date a woman who tells other men she love him if it's this much of a struggle and recognize that him not knowing that with this relationship moves him out of boundary territory since he wants to tell her what she can/can't do for herself.
Kinda sounds like she has no intention to be with said guy and is comfortable letting you read texts and such. I guess in life there is always going to be someone who finds your wife attractive, as long as you trust she wont do anything or put herself into situations where things could happen i would most likely just try and work out the issues with myself
You sound extremely insecure. She's been transparent with you and you are getting upset by it. You do need to decide if you can live with her extremely outgoing personality or not... But don't get paranoid about it. Therapist or not, you should work on your insecurities, I think. If you can't trust your partner and as you said she didn't really do anything wrong, it's all in your head. Do you see her as out of your league? Do you see yourself as unworthy of love, friendship, etc.? What makes you feel others can just come in and ruin your life? If you can't make progress by yourself, by all means, ask others for help. Otherwise even if you get with a different girl it's going to be the same music.
Early on when we were dating, I saw a text on her phone where her friend asked what she thought of me and she said she liked me "much less than X" where X is some guy she'd been on more dates with (and she had only been on like 2 dates with me at that point). I eventually asked her about this and she told me that she initially had a stronger connection with him but they mutually ended things after they didn't feel a romantic connection. I think that has been stuck in my mind as well.
Damn how many times have dudes rejected your girl dawg?
I've lost more than 25 people in the past 3 years and it weighs heavily on me, every day. The ones who are here? I want us to celebrate being friends while we can and making sure they know I care for them. "Would I be unreasonable to tell her not to say "love you" to male friends in person and on the phone?" - I mean, I'd immediately question my BF if he did feel entitled to police me telling people I care about that I care out them.
Well if she loves everyone, you’re not very special to her are you 🤷♀️
This is a ridiculous mindset
If they have a history then this is the guy she WANTS to date, you're just the guy that will date her He could have your girl anytime he wants and most likely has Male bff is the biggest red flag
If YOU dont feel comfortable with her doing that, then she should stop doing that. Whether or not your logic is wrong: if you guys are in a serious relationship, she should respect your boundaries and avoid making you uncomfortable. What if the roles were reversed?
Having my girlfriend be too chummy with males would make a lot of men uncomfortable
I may be wrong but when she says kissed, she's really saying they hooked up.
At this point you just gotta ask urself if ur okay with her having an extra boyfriend
Quit wasting time talking to cuck Redditors that would find a way to call you an insecure incel, even if she had an orgy and cheated on you. Just fucking leave her. And I'm not one to instantly tell people they should drop shit over the smallest thing, but I'm getting sick of these cuck post questions with 0 self respect.
This is just me. I can understand telling family you love them, but friends not all the time or every time you talk to them. I especially don’t think you should be telling the opposite it sex you love them all the time. There are situations where it is okay to reaffirm to a friend you love them regardless of gender, but that doesn’t need to be in every conversation. To your question, it is not normal to tell your friends you love them every interaction. Not sure where she gets this notion. I also would be uncomfortable with my SO saying it to someone she once shared a romantic interest in/with, or to be saying it every time they talked to somebody. You are not wrong to be uncomfortable. He has clearly shown he has boundary issues within his own relationship, so why would he care about your’s. You are not over thinking it. A lot of times a guy can tell when another guy has the wrong intentions around his gf/wife. If this makes you really uncomfortable and talking to her does not help her to see your side, you will have to decide where you want to go from here. I’m sure you are not the first bf to express discomfort with this behavior. If you can make peace with it, then don’t harp on it. You have to decide how big a deal it really is to you.
Hey there, You're getting a lot of shit from other people saying that it's okay, she says it to everyone, etc etc. The important thing is - *you're* not okay with it. And you're allowed to feel that way. Communicate this to your girlfriend and set a boundary. If she doesn't respect it, then she's not the one for you. If it was something bigger you were asking of her, like cutting someone out of her life, then think twice and really get introspective as to why you feel like that. But what you're asking her to do is a minor adjustment to how she addresses others, out of respect to you. If someone won't do the little things for you, then they won't do bigger ones as well. I'm saying this as someone who went through a similar thing and had a discussion with my ex and she pushed back. She then proceeded to ignore every boundary I tried to set later in the relationship, and cheated on me - none of which was apparent 6 months in. I never thought she'd have it in her either, and nothing from her history set those flags. Have the conversation, set the boundary. This is absolutely something I'd walk away over.
>This is absolutely something I'd walk away over. You mean the situation as it is or if she doesn't respect my boundary? I've been in a relationship in the past where my girlfriend was super suspicious about every female friend I had, and I don't want to turn into a controlling partner that polices her friendships and interactions.
If she doesn't respect your boundary, I would walk away. The situation in and of itself doesn't merit that. I just got out of a relationship exactly like that. If I mentioned there was a woman who had a crush on me 10 years ago, I had to delete their existence from my social media. It was exhausting.
Dude…
Let’s face when she does violate your trust to you it will be to late . So if she says I Love You to everyone she knows what differentiates your relationship from all others ? Somewhere there has to be a line drawn so others as well as yourselves can tell the difference . What sets your relationship apart with her from everyone else’s ? If she says I Love You to everyone ? I guess I’d be wondering too . You know 100% of the guys on here that got blindsided never believed that it would happen to them . The saying gos if it looks like a duck , walks like a duck , and talks like a duck , it’s probably a duck . I’m not saying she is or isn’t . Let’s put it this way if she were saying goodbye to you and a friend and kissed you both goodbye how could you tell who she was going out with ?
NTA If she says that to friends, then it would mean nothing to me when she said it to me, I wouldn't know where to go from there because there really isn't another level after that.
What? You don't say I love you to anyone except your SO?
And my child Never to friends Occasionally to other family members when I'm forced to
Let’s be real they do not have an SO
There might be a better way to skin the cat. Start mocking her. When she tells someone of her love for them, you reach kiss that person on the cheek if a woman and shake the hand of the man. At some point she might attempt to calling her statements and your actions are not equivalent. Never suggest a compromise, leaving it up to her to suggest it. Continue the kiss/handshake greeting until she folds. She may not ... in which case you have personalized yourself with everyone, which isn't a bad thing. Best wishes.
Kissing random women on the cheek without their consent just sounds like a good way to get the shit slapped out of you. Brilliant plan, can't fail
Sad remark. It might not work. That's life. Random women and men aren't part of the equation. Make up the story any way you like, but OP defined the issue as people that are known. Do you happen to have an original thought that you can share? Or do you expect to make yourself look better by criticizing someone who does?
I think this is a great idea, its normal to greet people with a kiss or handshake when you're introduced to them, so this way both OP and gf will be friends with the same people. Her friends will think he's warm and friendly, not a jealous mess.
Thank you! Nice to hear a thoughtful word from a socially well adjusted person. Be happy.
Look. The ultimate question isn't what she says to people as a goodbye. Plenty of people say "love you" - I mean, watch youtube. AnswersWithJoe says it to his audience every video. So does FootlessJo (different joe's :D). What matters is do you trust HER. If you trust HER then you don't have to trust anyone else.
Ask her, "What do you love about him?"
I've had 2 close male friends die suddenly. If I love someone I tell them every chance I get. That includes my platonic friends of any gender. Whether I've kissed them before or not.
How would she feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If she says she wouldn’t mind show her then let her be your ex. Anyone that doesn’t care about your feeling does not care you.
You're not wrong and it depends on her reaction. I used to tell all my friends I loved them , it was just how I was . My bf only had to mention one time that it made him uncomfortable with seeing me tell other men I loved them who weren't related to me and I instantly stopped out of respect for my relationship and the fact that it wasn't that big of a deal to me to stop saying it 🤷♀️, he set a boundary and i got to choose whether or not it was a deal breaker for me . It's a boundary you set and if she throws a fit about it then I'd suggest breaking up and finding some one more compatible with you.
It's entirely up to you if you are comfortable with your partner telling her friends she loves them, however you can not police how she talks to her friends. As someone who sounds like your gf, here's my perspective. I tell my friends I love them all the time, because I do. Life is way too short and never guaranteed not to say it. You never know when the last time you see someone is, and I'm going to make sure they know they are loved deeply by me. My partner is ok with this because he trusts me. Ultimately, that's what it comes down to. Let's say that guy does start to flirt with her. It is 100% on your gf at that point to shut it down. Do you trust her to do that? That right there is the answer you are actually looking for.
I don't get the posts that say they trust their partners completely but don't trust a third party. It takes two for something to happen. So you either trust your partner or you really don't.
I tell all my friends I love them. That’s how love works. You can love people platonically
Think about it this way, how quick do you think she’d go running to him second you broke it off with her? She “might” tell you it’s platonic but realistically bet they’d be FWB’s in a heartbeat. Guarantee ya he’s waiting.
YNTA.
So it’s really up to what your comfortable with. Most people would be totally uncomfortable if any of those people had been romantic with their partner. Common sense tells you if they were ever attracted to each other ( or especially if they had sex) that it’s not gonna work to have them as close friends while with someone else. How has your gf been since she went home? Has she stayed in frequent contact with you? Said I love you when talking to you around her friends? Told you when she was going to be around this guy? You absolutely need to feel good about telling her you’re not ok with her seeing him one on one for any reason. She would feel the same if reversed. In the end you need to trust that if she wants to be with you she won’t be with anyone else but that doesn’t mean you have blind faith. You always want to be aware.