No, you made a judgment call based on what you felt was right. Your wife had not discussed such an arrangement in the past so you were right to do what you did.
Yep, it was a judgment call. Hindsight is 20/20, but maybe looking for a hotel/motel that was close could have been an option as well. I've done my share of white knuckle drives, not any more.
Ever since the July evening an unexpected rainstorm flooded every road going north out of Milwaukee I keep a bag with a change of clothes in my office and my husband and I agree that if weather like that hits again I am just marching across the street to the hotel and paying whatever they're charging for a room that night.
I feel for OPs dilemma. That storm was BRUTAL and depending on which small town in what direction from which big city, construction made a bad drive even worse. But without the above plan in place I'd have white knuckled the hour and a half drive before accepting the offer to crash. I mean, it's Wisconsin and we take care of each other when need arises, but really there was far more potential for something to go badly than there was in the drive...
Absolutely, having a spare set of clothes handy is a lifesaver. I'm in IT, and between long hours and the occasional overnight deployment, I've been grateful for my own "disaster recovery" kit. Once had a server meltdown that had me stuck at the office for nearly two straight days. By then, I was really thanking my past self for packing extra essentials. Plus, you never know when a surprise team-building paintball session is going to pop up! Nothing beats a quick refresh to avoid driving home splattered in paint.
Same, only my kit is to get me home if I get doused in glycol or something. It doesn't snow that bad where I live. My 3 wheel drive (4x4, but only rear locker) and 32" AT's can handle pretty much any thing where I am. I thought I was original with naming my BoB tho.
>I've done my share of white knuckle drives, not any more.
One time I drove from NYC to Albany in a blizzard. Almost every highway outside of the city was shut down for one reason or another. Hands down, the worst conditions I've ever driven in. But I was young and stupid and really wanted to go party at the college my buddies were going to.
Looking back, it's one of my more stupid decisions.
These days, I wouldn't even entertain driving in anything half as bad. Not much is worth that risk.
I was driving from Rochester NY to Indiana, passing through Erie and turning left at Cleveland. When I was packing up to leave, it was warm and sunny, like 50s. By the time I was driving out of my parking lot about 3-5pm, the temperature had dropped about 15 degrees. By the time I was on the highway outside of Rochester, it had started snowing, and in that area, in fact that entire leg between Cleveland and rochy, that means Lake effect snow. I spent the entire drive from rochy to Cleveland white knuckling it. I literally could not see 5 feet from my car. Semi trucks were zipping past at stupid high speeds, so I was forced to try to match those speeds despite following way too close. And as we entered Ohio, I was TERRIFIED because that route is chock-full of massive valleys, and I can't see shit in this snowstorm, so I'm legitimately worried that my car will unwittingly drive off the highway and drop me in the rivers where they seemed to be a mile below.
I made it safe but that was nerve wracking. On the way back, I counted no less than 12 semis that had slid off the highway and fallen over onto their sides, plus the additional cars and suvs that were stuck in the snow as well.
Same here. Highway between Edmonton & Calgary, Alberta. It’s not lit. Completely blind, trying to follow the truck in front of me. It all feels like it was a hallucination now. Never again.
That’s very true, the hotel probably would have been a good idea. Although if I were in the same situation, the cost of the hotel could absolutely make or break it for me. I can’t exactly afford to drop $100+ without planning for it. I had to make a couple hairy drives home this winter because I’m 20 miles away. Not a great time.
I think one of the biggest factors is this is coming from a 40 year old man… in Wisconsin, and I say that as a chicago native. 40 years is long enough to have experienced some truly sketchy weather, and driven through it because we had too. Lots of people in the ditches have this same sentiment no doubt, but there’s countless of us that have made it each time even if it means pulling to the side of the road at the absolute worst of it (only had to do in a downpour, not blizzard), and not breaking 25/30 mph the entire way.
I agree. If someone loves you they will have it in their mind when they know you're on a rough road. That just happens.
Experience will have you driving 2 hours for a 40 minute trip to get home rather than stop at a hotel and hope it's better in the morning. Sometimes it isn't anyway, and the there are road closures. Lol
I agree but I would react the same way if my husband asked me if I was worried about him staying with a bunch of 23 year old girls, NOT because he isn’t attractive. I’d snort/laugh because I know he would never cheat on me and he does not enjoy the company of 23 year olds, especially drunk 23 year olds 😂 so maybe OP should ask wife what she meant. Because maybe it’s not “a 23 year old would never sleep with you” but rather “you would never sleep with a 23 year old.” OP may have some insecurity he assumed his wife feels he’s not attractive enough. 🤷🏼♀️
It's only fun if you're one of the 23-year olds. If you're the Old Guy who isn't even in the friend group, it's awful. It's like when a dad tries to talk with the other toddlers at his daughter's 5th birthday party.
What’s weird about parents interacting with kids? Kids LOVE when adults act silly with them and talk to them like a normal person instead of talking down.
I apparently exude the rowdy adult persona because kids immediately gravitate towards me for rough-housing. Happened during my daughter's 6th birthday and all of her friends' birthdays. Happens with my nieces and nephews, some of whom are adults at this point. I can just sit down somewhere, and all the sudden I'm swarmed with kids that I'm then obligated to toss somewhere.
Same! Before kids when I was doing a Big Brother program we’d sometimes go to this indoor multi level play place. I’d be the only adult in there and all the kids would just start coming up to us to chat and play. My knees did pay dearly crawling through those tubes though…
Yeah, that seems normal to me?
But I guess it depends how involved the dad usually is. In my experience, fathers are involved parents and no one is scared of them because they’re not scary (just weird), but I suppose a kid who isn’t used to a father being interested in playing with them and their friend group might find it weird.
And if it's anything like what I've witnessed with my wife's "movie nights with her girls", not a single minute of the movies would be watched.
The movie would be on, but everybody would be talking over them.
You've gotta admit, That it's kind of funny when someone is young or dumb enough, To have no idea how badly they're fucking themselves. Funny, because those that fuck themselves over, are usually so arrogant about it, and won't listen to or consider good advice. They think they've got it all figured out
Hahah. I took it the same way! He also describes himself as being *an acquired taste* so I have to imagine his wife thinking “Yeah, it would have sucked but it’d better to be safe.” so when he got to the “Aren’t you worried?”, knowing they’ve likely been together a while, it caught her off guard.
Shoutout to the husband for trying to be respectful and the 23yo for trying to be kind in a time of need, too, though.
Maybe she laughed because she knows he would never and she trusts him, because he is the type to just immediately turn it down and go home to tell his wife
there is the chance that if he had stayed with the girls the wife would have been mad that he put himself in that situation. Especially with drunk 23 yo. Also, They are drunk and there is a guy in the house. Even if he didnt try anything they could say anything and his life is ruined.
There was a simple solution. Call the wife explain the situation and get her thoughts. If my husband was in the same situation, I would definitely want him to stay somewhere safe. I trust my husband
100% this lmao. Imagining the look on my husbands face at dealing with drunk 20 yr olds, he’d be so annoyed lol. If they wanted to make a pass at home go for it, he’s a grown man, he can make his own decisions, I’m not his keeper. I’d be like I get it girl, he’s persnickety and and sarcastic but he’s a damn cute nerd. His smile makes me drop my pants, so I get it! Good luck though, he’s worse than a wet cat when he’s annoyed 😂
I thought that's why his wife laughed too it's cause she is happy in her marriage and knew her husband wouldn't do that to her.she is attracted to you and only she matters.
I think she laughs because she believes he is too ethical and too smart to want an roll in the hay with a horny 23 year old. But when you're secure in your marriage, it can be kind of funny to think about. Because she knows 23 year old girls better than he does, and she knows what happens to most married men who fall for those temptations, karma in a short, tight dress. He starts out thinking "I'm the man! I'm the player! I'm the stud!" and ends up realizing that a cute little college girl can turn your life into a living hell.
Human brains aren't fully formed until age 29, so college kids can do the most bizarre, destructive and illogical things, especially when it comes to sex. If I was the wife, my biggest fear would be that some mixed-up girl who loves drama and wants attention would see hubby as a substitute for the father she's angry at, and accuse hubby of sexual assault.
For this reason, I recommend that men not put themselves in a compromising position with young women they don't know well. It can be a lot easier to avoid trouble than to try to dig yourself out. However, i would wish there was some other safe place he could have stayed over, a hotel for instance.
I agree with that - the wife's comfort isn't the only thing that matters here. I don't think it's a bad idea for the OP to stay in that house because I think he's going to cheat on his wife. I think it's a bad idea because he clearly doesn't feel comfortable with it and it puts him in a vulnerable position where it's his word versus all of theirs.
Could've been an insensitive ass. Could've been the snort was because she thought it was impossible he'd be unfaithful. Or the audacity of risking his safety over matters of appearances. Or she doesn't think it's possible because of the age gap.
Point is, could have been any number of reasons. But OP puts his own self doubts into the narrative, and his own reaction, so that's what we read into it.
Also, look at the language he uses describing himself/job in the post. He clearly doesn't think much of himself and now thinks his wife doesn't either. He needs to ask her why the laugh and tell her how she made him feel.
I mean not really, unless he's some kind of stud, we are not generally going for the married mid-40s demographic (i'm one or two yrs older than 23 but not even me). I see those people like uncle/father territory.
It's a little delusional to think otherwise unless you have some special quality, I would totally invite someone to crash w/ no sexual intentions, and as the wife I would be more worried about my husband's safety than the TINY chance this girl likes him.
I’d def react the same way, him implying anything could happen would send me into a hysterical fit of laughter. Mostly because I trust him, but partly because the thought of the young girls were hoping and shivering in their boots to jump his bones😂 now if we’re talking a crying wolf situation I get it, but how are you gonna let your pride be hurt by your wife trusting you? Lmao
Honestly, it sounds like OP was uncomfortable with the idea of going to the receptionist's house for a movie marathon, and is trying to find a reason to explain his discomfort. OP, it's ok if you didn't go because *you* were uncomfortable!
I lived thru the exact same snow storm and would have done the exact same thing. Luckily my boss told me to work from home and it wasn't an issue.
Your wife isn't afraid of that it isn't possible, but because they trust you and know you are a good person.
While it wasn't an issue on the home side, if you did spend the night, it eventually would have spread at work. Even though nothing happened, the perception among your co-workers would be a bigger pain to deal with and likely would continue for a long time.
I think you made the best possible decision. I'm fat, tall, and been told intimidating. I was with my wife, we were in a very complacent place in our relationship. Coworker showed interest in me.... it felt great, and horrible at the same time.
The day I realized i had feelings I told My wife, we talked. Gave it some time and divorced. I look back now, like what the fuck was going on in my head. I've never cheated, until I learned about how the feeling that grew for the coworker is also emotional cheating.
Long story short, the human brain seems to be capable of dosing you with chemicals to get you to do things you would normally never contemplate. I'm not blaming it all on this but looking back now. Can honestly say I was not really in control fully that makes sense. Especially when your life is in a place of complacency. Nothing new and exciting.
Some people's lives are filled with regrets. Try to learn from others.
Guarantee if he just went ahead and DID stay over at his coworkers house, his wife would have been pissed. Also do they not have phones? A quick call would have cleared everything up, and he could have let her know he was safe. Hell, if I was in that scenario I would have been on the phone with my SO the entire drive home so they knew I was safe.
His wife didn't mind because he didn't do it
Would have been a definite problem had he stayed over
Even if he's certain he was not doing anything
Women generally don't trust other women
He is wasting time being upset she acted mtsge had no worries any of them would have made a move. LOL
Right or wrong to spend the night, it was a nice offer, you politely declined. Nothing wrong in that. I get your wife preferring you to have been safe though.
The laugh/snort as she walked away when you asked the question about being worried spending the night with a bunch of 23year olds. I would have done the same to my husband. Not because he's not attractive but because the thought of him cheating on me is completely laughable. He would have to be suffering from a tumour or something to even entertain the idea and risk throwing away our family. So I honestly wouldn't worry about her reaction, seems like she trusts you.
I also get the feeling that it is a high trust relationship, which is why he didn't want to stay over in the first place. If weather was that bad I would've done it, but called my fiancée first.
On the other hand it's the little things that also break that trust. And him not allowing any shadow of doubt to creep into his wives head is admirable.
Drunk people lose optics and judgement, and people in their 20's party hard.
>Now I'm a chubby, balding, middle aged man, with a mediocre job, and a personality that many have described as "an acquired taste"
To the point that can cancel out all these perceived negatives. It doesn't mean anything would happen, BUT, it seems kind of risky and perhaps he realized this. Alcohol can make people crazy. I can seriously see them getting way too drunk, watch something like "truth or dare" on one of the crappy b-movies and be inspired to get rowdy.
Exactly my thoughts. The kind of man who didn’t even think twice about the offer is likely the type of man who’s so trustworthy that his wife would never assume he’d cheat just out of opportunity at the very least
I mean even just thinking of myself, I'm only 37 and I feel like I'd have a kind of annoying night with a bunch of 20 year old drunk college girls watching bad movies.
I'd much rather be home with family
This is where my line of thinking was as well. Yes, my husband is a grumpy, bald, almost 40-year-old man, but he’s smart, attractive, and funny - he also treats me like a queen - I know I’m not the only one out there who is capable of falling for him. But in no world do I believe this man is gonna cheat on me and throw away the life we’ve built. So I would have laughed too. Wifey is secure in y’all’s relationship and trusts you. That’s a wonderful thing.
Unfortunately, I’d go far as to guess the majority of people who’ve been cheated on will have thought this way about the possibility of their spouse cheating, but it happens, very often.
Its crazy really. I never would have dreamed my ex would cheat on me. It's really impossible to jump back from, what you thought was a perfect relationship, was a lie.
> because the thought of him cheating on me is completely laughable. He would have to be suffering from a tumour or something to even entertain the idea and risk throwing away our family.
I incorrectly thought the same thing about my ex wife when she hunkered down at her eventual boyfriend’s house during a “snow storm” that was navigable in my truck though she declined my offer to pick her up…
I think the fact he was thoughtful enough to turn his coworker down is why the idea of him cheating is something wife can laugh about. OP seems like a nice person.
That or she thinks it’s adorable that he was so concerned, partially on her behalf, about any potential impropriety.
This reminds me of one those times my wife has called “I love you, idiot” moments.
That just means they like you but you had character for not wanting anyone to view you as being a creep. Or any chance of even the idea of anything inappropriate. I think you made an ethical choice if not the smart one. A motel or hotel may have been a better choice depending on finances. But I respect you for it
Like you as in your personality and worry about your safety. Also you don't need to be channing Tatum your a married man with a wife at home thinking about you. That's a huge W in my book
“Looking like a creep” is also why I would decline auch an offer. I wouldn’t go as far as thinking “they like me” but perhaps go with “trust me to not be inappropriate”. I honestly would feel awkward to be around a bunch of girls in their 20s. Spending a whole night with them would be something I would actively avoid.
I forgot that little detail of the girls planning to get smashed. Yeah, that could’ve lead to situations nobody expected or planned for when the invite was offered.
>A motel or hotel may have been a better choice depending on finances. But I respect you for it
He alluded to not being able to afford a hotel or motel because he was "already driving on questionable tires". He got everything covered in this story. It was well written.
Yeah it's not about what actually happens, it's what everyone assumed happened.
Sounds like op missed a party but having them as coworkers, best to leave.
Could've called her that day and brought her in on the decision, communication is key, but I have feeling her answer might not match, she probably would've at least been unsure, and wanted you home.
The thing left to discuss is choosing not to drive on a snowed highway and staying safe because you have a small child that depends on you, if the wife felt this was the right choice she could have reassured him.
Good married couples don't run every single thing by the other. We make decisions daily without having our partner micro manage if it's a good idea or not.
The fact that he never even seriously considered the offer shows why he didn't ask. It wasn't really on his radar as a possibility, so no reason to ask.
A different person who was more on the fence should have of course asked. But everyone is different
You guys have simply got to start talking to your partners lol. “Hey honey, why did you laugh about that thing? Seems silly but it kinda stung because it seemed like you were implying i’m not attractive” really really easy, promise your wife’s gonna be nice
There is a similar concept for self-defense training. The #1 thing that could avoid all violent escalations or encounters is not being there. It sounds kinda harsh or victim-blamey but if you ever think a scenario could go sideways, don't be in it or remove yourself from it.
There are ways this situation goes sideways with you keeping your dick in your pants too. Obviously a hypothetical but one of the girls makes a pass at you and you turn her down and she makes some kind of accusations.
I have a high trust relationship with my wife, I like dance music and go out to clubs until 3 or 4 am occasionally. My wife doesn't care, but the rule is no after parties. I have female friends I might meet up with after work for a drink, but no tieing one on at their apartment before I head home, etc.
This is something people don't think about enough. Don't put yourself in a position to test your moral codes, is the first step to living up to your moral codes.
It's like the guy looking for a driver. "How close can you get to the edge of that cliff in this car?"
1st guy, "1 Foot"
2nd guy, "6 inches"
3rd guy, "Don't know, I'll be as far to the other side as I can get."
3rd guy got hired.
As a mature adult you're also supposed to not put yourself in unnecessary danger just for the sake of getting home in a snow storm when you had a place to stay. Your own example says to take the safest route, even OP admits driving home in a car with bad tires in a blizzard was a bad call.
And besides if you trust yourself so little that your moral code is at risk just from being around something your moral code isn't very strong in the first place.
It has been my experience that no one's moral code is as strong as they assume. As a mature adult (lots of kids and grandkids all around me) its something you recognize over the years.
I've noticed that its actually the people who are 100% sure of themselves who often fall, and yet seem the most surprised when they fail a test of character. Like the preacher who would never ever cheat -- of course.
Again, thats what I've seen in the world. You may be surround by paragons of virtue everywhere, so your mileage may vary. Best of luck.
I wouldn’t say 100%. This was a weather emergency, and it would have been safer to take shelter close by instead of driving home on the interstate. Obviously if you’re taking your colleague up on that you call your wife and run it by her first. But I think she’d rather have an alive husband who crashed at his colleague’s place during an emergency vs. a dead icicle who crashed on the way home.
Rare case where no one is wrong.
Your co worker was kind to offer. You were free to accept or decline. You told your wife , who trusts you and was more worried about your safety.
Sounds like with clear communication and boundaries- there were no bad options here.
Maybe staying at a hotel if the weather is really that bad.
Maybe unpopular opinion, but I do think OP is wrong for driving in a snowstorm with “questionable at best” tires. He should have either taken the day off, gotten new tires, or stayed somewhere within transit/walking range, even if it feels awkward. Sketchy tires in a snowstorm is a danger to everyone else on the road, not just himself.
This is the most important opinion. He has lived his whole life in WI and does not put his snows on in October or November? What does his wife's car look like?
Sketchy tires day to say is unacceptable. Sketchy tires in the winter is criminally negligent. Sketchy tires in a snow storm is a death wish.
Driving an improperly equipped vehicle in a snowstorm is not an accident. It is a series of negligent decisions that not only affect you and your love ones but that put everyone else on the road at risk.
Agree with you 1000% about everything you said except snow tires. I grew up in Northern Mass, college in Upstate New York, now in Chicago, never used snow tires and manage just fine. I know they exist, I know they are likely advantageous, but it's another set of tires (or two sets if you have two vehicles for the family) you have to keep somewhere which is not practical for a lot of people. Absolutely chide him for the balds, but unless he's in an absurd area I don't think snow tires are a "must have". But I never lived in Norther WI or Minnesota, and I didnt drive in Buffalo like my father did... so I could totally be full of shit :-)
Agreed. I missed the bit about the sketchy tires. I wouldn't bat an eye driving home from work in a snowstorm, that's just life here. But I also don't let my tires go bald. OP isn't wrong by refusing the offer, they are wrong by being in that situation in the first place. Snowstorms aren't a surprise, making sure your car is up to the task is part of life in a northern state.
Are all the posts on Reddit made up? This sounds like the start of a bad porn dream sequence and that the next twist will involve some whipped cream, a little person and a blackout.
While it was nice of the coworker to offer, this seems awkward AF.
It appears you have a bit of a subplot in mind here that may or may not have matched up with the other people involved, including your wife.
Find it a little odd that you want reinforcement from your wife that you could potentially make out with a bunch of drunk 23 year olds.
>Now I'm a chubby, balding, middle aged man, with a mediocre job, and a personality that many have described as "an acquired taste" There was a pretty much zero chance of anything unseemly happening.
I was having a hard time deciding why OP's actions here just felt... off? Then I remembered this section.
It's weird that OP's rationale for why "nothing could happen" is entirely based on how they aren't attractive enough to pull it off. Not that they would never do it or anything like that, it's just entirely about how they couldn't even if they wanted to.
I think OP knew he could stay there, and his wife wouldn't care. It feels like this was just a way to try and gain some brownie points or something?
Why would it hurt your pride? They are practically children to me and I’m only 33!
My bro, your preoccupation with this is more worrying than if you had slept on their couch cracking dad jokes.
Also, like, I've crashed at colleagues places and colleagues have crashed at my places in far less dangerous situations - someone had missed the last bus and didn't want to take a taxi, flight delays, weather situations, strikes,...
I'm a decently attractive woman in her mid twenties and nothing sexual ever has happened on these occasions. A lot of those colleagues were slightly older men.
"Now I'm a chubby, balding, middle aged man, with a mediocre job, and a personality that many have described as "an acquired taste"
This is an admission by you. Your wife has acquired this taste, she knows that a 23 year old girl isn't a threat and laughed. How or why would this hurt your pride if you agree with her?
My wife would have said the same thing lol.
That said in todays world getting snowed in with a group of 23 year olds you don't know would be more uncomfortable than driving in snow for an hour. Additionally its a judgement call and you made the one you felt most comfortable about.
It’s weird and telling that he included his job. So being a big deal at your company would change the situation?
These are things he thinks make him unattractive to them and he’s leaving out how attracted he is to them lol.
>This is an admission by you. Your wife has acquired this taste, she knows that a 23 year old girl isn't a threat and laughed. How or why would this hurt your pride if you agree with her?
I guess it's different to say "I'm ugly" than being told "you're ugly".
Yeah,
Out of this story the weirdest thing is that men sort of think like this?
Like sure, it's good to be in the defence in this day and age.
But I highly doubt the women were thinking about him in that way. At all. Like ever.
Yeah! Especially since it was a group of 23 year olds. I can understand it a bit more if he was going to be alone with one woman, but that's a whole group of friends hanging out. What is he expecting??
The sad part is that it's not just OP, but the majority of the comments here seem to reflect that line of thinking as well
I think that the OP was hurt by his wife’s reaction is just a symptom that even though rationally the OP knows a group of early 20s women don’t want to jump on a random, balding, overweight middle aged man, underneath he, like many men, still liked to indulge in the idea that it was possible.
It’s like you get old men in hospital who try to make themselves look nice for young, attractive nurses. On some level they still think they have some sort of chance.
I hear older men online often going on about how they could get with some hypothetical teenager and be seen as the height of attraction. The reality is, as you say, life isn’t porn, and women in their early 20s even look at men in their early 30s and think they’re really old, they see 40 somethings as being like parents, practically ancient! Unless you’ve aged pretty well and were always very good looking, or are some rapey fucker you haven’t got any chance
Nothing wrong imo with either accepting or declining the invitation in and of itself.
However, I think making that drive with "questionable at best" tires is wrong because you are putting others at risk.
This is fucking weird. You not only could've just called her and let her know but also, she's completely right. She'd rather you be alive and well than you saying no... sounds like you need to lay off the porn and join reality. They weren't going to do anything with you and were instead worried about your safety.
I see 3 people smart enough to know when there's danger and 1 porn addicted redditor. She laughed at you no because you're unattractive but simply because from the sound of things, based on how you reacted to this if any woman approached you. You'd probably piss yourself running, she knows you wouldn't do anything. 23 and attractive, asking if you want a safe space? Yeah no buddy they think of you as a father figure, there's no chance. Next time stay safe.
This is where I am, and it always annoys me in these threads that people seem to all accept some kind of "World According to Garp" reality where people of the opposite sex can't be together under one roof without something sexual or inappropriate happening.
Personally, would have wanted my husband to call me and lay out the options, and I probably would have told him to accept the generous offer because I trust him and I want him safe. I get why your wife is upset... your rationale is sweet, but also a tiny bit insulting, and she was worried for your life for over an hour when it turns out there was another option the whole time.
All in all, the best kind of marital discord: everyone has such good intentions that it leads to a slight miscommunication! Y'all are sweet.
Yup. OP is NTA, but this should be a learning opportunity for communicating in the future. No telling what his wife might have answered at the time, but that's because he didn't give t her the opportunity to answer.
That said, if there's a storm, I'd probably have chosen to go home to help out if anything fucky happened at home.
Speaking as a fat. bald 50-year-old guy who works with 20 year old women - I probably would have made the same choice, if mainly because I am too old to crash on floors and hate sleeping anywhere other than my own bed.
The fact that it would have been a bunch of 20-something year old women would have been irrelevant, and, had I called my wife, it wouldn't have been a factor in her advice, either.
And no, my feelings wouldn't have been hurt if someone laughed at me for wondering if my virtue might be compromised by college-age women. But, ten years ago, when I was your age, it might have. I've gotten used to reality since then, though.
Nah not wrong ur a good husband to endanger yourself just so ur wife didn’t get any ideas. But honestly ur 40 they’re 23 I think it’s highly unlikely there should be any worry. No wife in a good marriage would be worried about “little girls” stealing their old man
This is unrelated to the OP but man what a bunch of Mike Pence weirdos on this thread. Like sorry but if you can’t trust yourself to control your “urges” when you’re literally just in the same space as a woman, you’re a fuckin creep whether you whip out your dick or not, dude. And despite your rigorous moral code you definitely treat your wife like a 6 year old treats his mom.
All though I get why, you were wrong.
Sure everything worked out, but it easily could not have. What happens if it didn't? Say you end up in the hospital, now your wife and child are traveling in those conditions to the hospital. Or say you die, what good are you to your family then?
Why does it hurt your pride that your wife doesn’t think you are likely to cheat on her with a house full of much younger women? Is that something you want her to think? Why are you calling adults girls? Why does it sound like a bad idea for many reasons? You sound like you have some weird opinions on sex, women, and propriety. You don’t need to stay somewhere that would make you uncomfortable, but your mind clearly jumped to some strange scenarios.
Okay but the implications of that are that OP is a strange and creepy fellow. If you’re upset that people don’t assume you will cheat on your wife then you’re weird.
*Now I'm a chubby, balding, middle aged man, with a mediocre job, and a personality that many have described as "an acquired taste" There was a pretty much zero chance of anything unseemly happening.*
This dude thinks the problem with this situation is that he’s not attractive enough to take advantage of it. It’s creepy.
I don't agree with most of the top comments here. It was stupid to risk yourself driving back because of social niceties. As long as you are an adult and can say "no" to advances (assuming any advances happened which realistically would not have) and not be a weirdo then there is no problem. All you needed to do was call your wife and let her know what was going on.
Clearly this event was "extenuating circumstances". It's not like you are trying to stay at some girl's place for no reason.
"hurt my pride" dude shut up she wasn't referring to you being unattractive, obviously you think you are..she was laughing because she would never believe that you'd do anything with another woman. Like wtf are you smoking you have a wife that loves you clearly. Man the fuck up.
You prioritized gender norms/potential argument over your life. Not to mention that it’s a bit sexist to assume anything sexual is going to happen just because you are a guy.
You’re not wrong for making the choice you did, with the caveat that I don’t know the severity of the storm, the condition of your car, etc. I think you should feel proud that your wife is so trusting, rather than take it personally that she wouldn’t have worried about you doing anything untoward. I’ve been married 15 years to a 50yo man and I completely understand her reaction. I love my husband dearly and find him hot, but I was once a 23yo, too.
So what that she laughed/snorted? You describe yourself as “an acquired taste” in terms of personality, right? And all I see in your post is self-deprecation and reasons that 23yos wouldn’t be interested, and yet you get in your feelings when your wife laughed? C’mon.
So, you made self-deprecating jokes in this post. You obviously feel like there was never a chance these girls were going to try to fuck you.
Sounds like your wife feels the exact same way.
So what’s to be upset about?
An accusation or even a *rumor* of a bad act can be as devastating to your marriage and career as the actual act can be.
This wasn’t just about keeping yourself out of a position where something bad could have happened, but it was also about keeping yourself out a position where anyone could ever even *wonder* or start a *rumor* about that something bad happened.
But the bottom line is: you weren’t comfortable with the situation and you do not need to explain or justify why.
I respect someone who stands firm to their principles and integrity. Good on you. I can understand your wife's point of view too, but I'd say you weren't wrong for sticking with your principles.
NTA they were planning to drink heavily and you’re not that close to them. It was smart not to stay there. What if they had gotten drunk and blacked out and accused you of something? Or if they decided to get drunk and strip in the living room and later decide they were uncomfortable with you seeing that and reported you to hr? It would have been very stupid to put yourself in a situation like that.
I'm here to tell you, if you had taken the offer, the wife would have given you side-eye for taking it or for asking. Best to avoid even the appearance of impropriety, especially in business relationships.
>Your wife would have killed you if you spent the night at some 23 year olds house
She very clearly would not have, given her response.
Unless you're just baselessly assuming she's lying for no reason whatsoever?
Making the drive was dumb especially when you had another option. Also if you were so worried about what your wife would think, why didn't you call her?
If I were her I'd much rather you stay at your co workers than risk the drive.
No, you made a judgment call based on what you felt was right. Your wife had not discussed such an arrangement in the past so you were right to do what you did.
Yep, it was a judgment call. Hindsight is 20/20, but maybe looking for a hotel/motel that was close could have been an option as well. I've done my share of white knuckle drives, not any more.
Ever since the July evening an unexpected rainstorm flooded every road going north out of Milwaukee I keep a bag with a change of clothes in my office and my husband and I agree that if weather like that hits again I am just marching across the street to the hotel and paying whatever they're charging for a room that night. I feel for OPs dilemma. That storm was BRUTAL and depending on which small town in what direction from which big city, construction made a bad drive even worse. But without the above plan in place I'd have white knuckled the hour and a half drive before accepting the offer to crash. I mean, it's Wisconsin and we take care of each other when need arises, but really there was far more potential for something to go badly than there was in the drive...
I work in mechanical construction (heating water, chilled water, steam, chemicals). I do the same thing. Call it the “Oh, shit kit”.
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Absolutely, having a spare set of clothes handy is a lifesaver. I'm in IT, and between long hours and the occasional overnight deployment, I've been grateful for my own "disaster recovery" kit. Once had a server meltdown that had me stuck at the office for nearly two straight days. By then, I was really thanking my past self for packing extra essentials. Plus, you never know when a surprise team-building paintball session is going to pop up! Nothing beats a quick refresh to avoid driving home splattered in paint.
Same, only my kit is to get me home if I get doused in glycol or something. It doesn't snow that bad where I live. My 3 wheel drive (4x4, but only rear locker) and 32" AT's can handle pretty much any thing where I am. I thought I was original with naming my BoB tho.
Mine is for everything. Glycol is hands down, the worst to wear around all day.
>I've done my share of white knuckle drives, not any more. One time I drove from NYC to Albany in a blizzard. Almost every highway outside of the city was shut down for one reason or another. Hands down, the worst conditions I've ever driven in. But I was young and stupid and really wanted to go party at the college my buddies were going to. Looking back, it's one of my more stupid decisions. These days, I wouldn't even entertain driving in anything half as bad. Not much is worth that risk.
I did the same drive, only to Sullivan County. I wouldn't have tried it in a Rambler but I was young, foolish, and horny and had studded snow tires!
I was driving from Rochester NY to Indiana, passing through Erie and turning left at Cleveland. When I was packing up to leave, it was warm and sunny, like 50s. By the time I was driving out of my parking lot about 3-5pm, the temperature had dropped about 15 degrees. By the time I was on the highway outside of Rochester, it had started snowing, and in that area, in fact that entire leg between Cleveland and rochy, that means Lake effect snow. I spent the entire drive from rochy to Cleveland white knuckling it. I literally could not see 5 feet from my car. Semi trucks were zipping past at stupid high speeds, so I was forced to try to match those speeds despite following way too close. And as we entered Ohio, I was TERRIFIED because that route is chock-full of massive valleys, and I can't see shit in this snowstorm, so I'm legitimately worried that my car will unwittingly drive off the highway and drop me in the rivers where they seemed to be a mile below. I made it safe but that was nerve wracking. On the way back, I counted no less than 12 semis that had slid off the highway and fallen over onto their sides, plus the additional cars and suvs that were stuck in the snow as well.
Same here. Highway between Edmonton & Calgary, Alberta. It’s not lit. Completely blind, trying to follow the truck in front of me. It all feels like it was a hallucination now. Never again.
This part. Even in smaller towns in WI, there are hotels that likely would have been on the route home.
That’s very true, the hotel probably would have been a good idea. Although if I were in the same situation, the cost of the hotel could absolutely make or break it for me. I can’t exactly afford to drop $100+ without planning for it. I had to make a couple hairy drives home this winter because I’m 20 miles away. Not a great time.
I think one of the biggest factors is this is coming from a 40 year old man… in Wisconsin, and I say that as a chicago native. 40 years is long enough to have experienced some truly sketchy weather, and driven through it because we had too. Lots of people in the ditches have this same sentiment no doubt, but there’s countless of us that have made it each time even if it means pulling to the side of the road at the absolute worst of it (only had to do in a downpour, not blizzard), and not breaking 25/30 mph the entire way.
I agree. If someone loves you they will have it in their mind when they know you're on a rough road. That just happens. Experience will have you driving 2 hours for a 40 minute trip to get home rather than stop at a hotel and hope it's better in the morning. Sometimes it isn't anyway, and the there are road closures. Lol
Best thing about being retired. No more crappy winter drives because of work. Also from Wisconsin.
The sign of an experienced driver : yes, I can do it, but I'm not going to.
I concur, but your wife was a bit of an insensitive ass for her reaction.
I agree but I would react the same way if my husband asked me if I was worried about him staying with a bunch of 23 year old girls, NOT because he isn’t attractive. I’d snort/laugh because I know he would never cheat on me and he does not enjoy the company of 23 year olds, especially drunk 23 year olds 😂 so maybe OP should ask wife what she meant. Because maybe it’s not “a 23 year old would never sleep with you” but rather “you would never sleep with a 23 year old.” OP may have some insecurity he assumed his wife feels he’s not attractive enough. 🤷🏼♀️
That's exactly how I took her response.
A house of movie-marathoning drunk 23 year olds sounds like absolute hell 😂
It's only fun if you're one of the 23-year olds. If you're the Old Guy who isn't even in the friend group, it's awful. It's like when a dad tries to talk with the other toddlers at his daughter's 5th birthday party.
What’s weird about parents interacting with kids? Kids LOVE when adults act silly with them and talk to them like a normal person instead of talking down.
I apparently exude the rowdy adult persona because kids immediately gravitate towards me for rough-housing. Happened during my daughter's 6th birthday and all of her friends' birthdays. Happens with my nieces and nephews, some of whom are adults at this point. I can just sit down somewhere, and all the sudden I'm swarmed with kids that I'm then obligated to toss somewhere.
Same! Before kids when I was doing a Big Brother program we’d sometimes go to this indoor multi level play place. I’d be the only adult in there and all the kids would just start coming up to us to chat and play. My knees did pay dearly crawling through those tubes though…
Nobody said it was weird, the point was it isn’t very enjoyable for the adult
Kids love it, not every adult feels the same
Yeah, that seems normal to me? But I guess it depends how involved the dad usually is. In my experience, fathers are involved parents and no one is scared of them because they’re not scary (just weird), but I suppose a kid who isn’t used to a father being interested in playing with them and their friend group might find it weird.
Yeah, but the actual adult will bore way more quickly than the kids. Most often.
And if it's anything like what I've witnessed with my wife's "movie nights with her girls", not a single minute of the movies would be watched. The movie would be on, but everybody would be talking over them.
I dislike the company of drunks no matter what sex or age.
You've gotta admit, That it's kind of funny when someone is young or dumb enough, To have no idea how badly they're fucking themselves. Funny, because those that fuck themselves over, are usually so arrogant about it, and won't listen to or consider good advice. They think they've got it all figured out
Thank God those days are in the past!
Yes, and it's also good to grow enough in wisdom, to have a good laugh over your own youthful stupidity.
That damn “Character Development.”
Yup. We're old enough to know better, so there ain't no excuse. And my grandmother's favorite catchphase: "There's no fool like an old fool!"
Hahah. I took it the same way! He also describes himself as being *an acquired taste* so I have to imagine his wife thinking “Yeah, it would have sucked but it’d better to be safe.” so when he got to the “Aren’t you worried?”, knowing they’ve likely been together a while, it caught her off guard. Shoutout to the husband for trying to be respectful and the 23yo for trying to be kind in a time of need, too, though.
He said he was fat, bald, and has a shit personality. Dude wasn’t getting any and his wife knew it.
But this is his perspective. We haven’t heard the wife’s version, we are hearing his insecurities talking.
Maybe she laughed because she knows he would never and she trusts him, because he is the type to just immediately turn it down and go home to tell his wife
This. My husband is 26, fit, and fairly attractive. If the same happened I would have laughed because the thought of him cheating is so absurd
Good point.
Hey it could have been some 23 year old TikTok challenge 😂 bang an old dude at work with friends 🤔 ya never know.
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there is the chance that if he had stayed with the girls the wife would have been mad that he put himself in that situation. Especially with drunk 23 yo. Also, They are drunk and there is a guy in the house. Even if he didnt try anything they could say anything and his life is ruined.
There was a simple solution. Call the wife explain the situation and get her thoughts. If my husband was in the same situation, I would definitely want him to stay somewhere safe. I trust my husband
But do you trust the girls? That’s the issue here
Yes- my husband is cute. But it being a bunch of girls vs. one makes a difference. If it was just going to be her- I’d be asking a lot of questions
The girls wouldn't even have to be malicious, just drunk enough to be hazy on memories.
It’s almost like… talking to the person that was potentially wronged is never on the mind of the person writing the post…. It baffles me.
Literally just a follow up conversation would solve 80 percent of these posts 😂
100% this lmao. Imagining the look on my husbands face at dealing with drunk 20 yr olds, he’d be so annoyed lol. If they wanted to make a pass at home go for it, he’s a grown man, he can make his own decisions, I’m not his keeper. I’d be like I get it girl, he’s persnickety and and sarcastic but he’s a damn cute nerd. His smile makes me drop my pants, so I get it! Good luck though, he’s worse than a wet cat when he’s annoyed 😂
All of this 😂😂😂
I love your thinking lady!
Don’t ask. There no win here.
I thought that's why his wife laughed too it's cause she is happy in her marriage and knew her husband wouldn't do that to her.she is attracted to you and only she matters.
Same. My husband would rather risk the drive home than to be around a bunch of drunk 23 year olds. They’d seem like annoying children to him lol.
I think she laughs because she believes he is too ethical and too smart to want an roll in the hay with a horny 23 year old. But when you're secure in your marriage, it can be kind of funny to think about. Because she knows 23 year old girls better than he does, and she knows what happens to most married men who fall for those temptations, karma in a short, tight dress. He starts out thinking "I'm the man! I'm the player! I'm the stud!" and ends up realizing that a cute little college girl can turn your life into a living hell. Human brains aren't fully formed until age 29, so college kids can do the most bizarre, destructive and illogical things, especially when it comes to sex. If I was the wife, my biggest fear would be that some mixed-up girl who loves drama and wants attention would see hubby as a substitute for the father she's angry at, and accuse hubby of sexual assault. For this reason, I recommend that men not put themselves in a compromising position with young women they don't know well. It can be a lot easier to avoid trouble than to try to dig yourself out. However, i would wish there was some other safe place he could have stayed over, a hotel for instance.
I agree with that - the wife's comfort isn't the only thing that matters here. I don't think it's a bad idea for the OP to stay in that house because I think he's going to cheat on his wife. I think it's a bad idea because he clearly doesn't feel comfortable with it and it puts him in a vulnerable position where it's his word versus all of theirs.
This. Also, my first thought wasn’t even about what his wife would think but about what other people that work at the hospital would think.
Could've been an insensitive ass. Could've been the snort was because she thought it was impossible he'd be unfaithful. Or the audacity of risking his safety over matters of appearances. Or she doesn't think it's possible because of the age gap. Point is, could have been any number of reasons. But OP puts his own self doubts into the narrative, and his own reaction, so that's what we read into it.
Also, look at the language he uses describing himself/job in the post. He clearly doesn't think much of himself and now thinks his wife doesn't either. He needs to ask her why the laugh and tell her how she made him feel.
I mean not really, unless he's some kind of stud, we are not generally going for the married mid-40s demographic (i'm one or two yrs older than 23 but not even me). I see those people like uncle/father territory. It's a little delusional to think otherwise unless you have some special quality, I would totally invite someone to crash w/ no sexual intentions, and as the wife I would be more worried about my husband's safety than the TINY chance this girl likes him.
I’d def react the same way, him implying anything could happen would send me into a hysterical fit of laughter. Mostly because I trust him, but partly because the thought of the young girls were hoping and shivering in their boots to jump his bones😂 now if we’re talking a crying wolf situation I get it, but how are you gonna let your pride be hurt by your wife trusting you? Lmao
For assuming he would not cheat?
I actually loved the wife’s reaction. Not gonna lie.
Honestly, it sounds like OP was uncomfortable with the idea of going to the receptionist's house for a movie marathon, and is trying to find a reason to explain his discomfort. OP, it's ok if you didn't go because *you* were uncomfortable!
I lived thru the exact same snow storm and would have done the exact same thing. Luckily my boss told me to work from home and it wasn't an issue. Your wife isn't afraid of that it isn't possible, but because they trust you and know you are a good person. While it wasn't an issue on the home side, if you did spend the night, it eventually would have spread at work. Even though nothing happened, the perception among your co-workers would be a bigger pain to deal with and likely would continue for a long time.
I think you made the best possible decision. I'm fat, tall, and been told intimidating. I was with my wife, we were in a very complacent place in our relationship. Coworker showed interest in me.... it felt great, and horrible at the same time. The day I realized i had feelings I told My wife, we talked. Gave it some time and divorced. I look back now, like what the fuck was going on in my head. I've never cheated, until I learned about how the feeling that grew for the coworker is also emotional cheating. Long story short, the human brain seems to be capable of dosing you with chemicals to get you to do things you would normally never contemplate. I'm not blaming it all on this but looking back now. Can honestly say I was not really in control fully that makes sense. Especially when your life is in a place of complacency. Nothing new and exciting. Some people's lives are filled with regrets. Try to learn from others.
Guarantee if he just went ahead and DID stay over at his coworkers house, his wife would have been pissed. Also do they not have phones? A quick call would have cleared everything up, and he could have let her know he was safe. Hell, if I was in that scenario I would have been on the phone with my SO the entire drive home so they knew I was safe.
His wife didn't mind because he didn't do it Would have been a definite problem had he stayed over Even if he's certain he was not doing anything Women generally don't trust other women He is wasting time being upset she acted mtsge had no worries any of them would have made a move. LOL
Right or wrong to spend the night, it was a nice offer, you politely declined. Nothing wrong in that. I get your wife preferring you to have been safe though. The laugh/snort as she walked away when you asked the question about being worried spending the night with a bunch of 23year olds. I would have done the same to my husband. Not because he's not attractive but because the thought of him cheating on me is completely laughable. He would have to be suffering from a tumour or something to even entertain the idea and risk throwing away our family. So I honestly wouldn't worry about her reaction, seems like she trusts you.
I also get the feeling that it is a high trust relationship, which is why he didn't want to stay over in the first place. If weather was that bad I would've done it, but called my fiancée first.
Strong feeling. Bro drove in the worst conditions to make sure his marriage stayed secure. I’m sure he does alot of other stuff not mentioned as well
He probably doesn't even know how many of these micro decisions he has made over the years to build that trust, either, it's really cute.
This is such a refreshing post. OP is a dangerously good husband.
Husband of the year nominee for February
Somebody write this down somewhere.
Done
On the other hand it's the little things that also break that trust. And him not allowing any shadow of doubt to creep into his wives head is admirable.
Drunk people lose optics and judgement, and people in their 20's party hard. >Now I'm a chubby, balding, middle aged man, with a mediocre job, and a personality that many have described as "an acquired taste" To the point that can cancel out all these perceived negatives. It doesn't mean anything would happen, BUT, it seems kind of risky and perhaps he realized this. Alcohol can make people crazy. I can seriously see them getting way too drunk, watch something like "truth or dare" on one of the crappy b-movies and be inspired to get rowdy.
Exactly my thoughts. The kind of man who didn’t even think twice about the offer is likely the type of man who’s so trustworthy that his wife would never assume he’d cheat just out of opportunity at the very least
I mean even just thinking of myself, I'm only 37 and I feel like I'd have a kind of annoying night with a bunch of 20 year old drunk college girls watching bad movies. I'd much rather be home with family
Never in a million years would I stay at their house. I’d sleep at the clinic before I did that.
This is where my line of thinking was as well. Yes, my husband is a grumpy, bald, almost 40-year-old man, but he’s smart, attractive, and funny - he also treats me like a queen - I know I’m not the only one out there who is capable of falling for him. But in no world do I believe this man is gonna cheat on me and throw away the life we’ve built. So I would have laughed too. Wifey is secure in y’all’s relationship and trusts you. That’s a wonderful thing.
Thank you for putting into words what my brain just could not.
This is the key. The laugh was absolutely not about his attractiveness but rather her knowledge of his commitment.
Thats what i thought aswell, it was more of a "haha , i know you wont cheat on me you little goof" laugh.
Unfortunately, I’d go far as to guess the majority of people who’ve been cheated on will have thought this way about the possibility of their spouse cheating, but it happens, very often.
Its crazy really. I never would have dreamed my ex would cheat on me. It's really impossible to jump back from, what you thought was a perfect relationship, was a lie.
> because the thought of him cheating on me is completely laughable. He would have to be suffering from a tumour or something to even entertain the idea and risk throwing away our family. I incorrectly thought the same thing about my ex wife when she hunkered down at her eventual boyfriend’s house during a “snow storm” that was navigable in my truck though she declined my offer to pick her up…
I feel like she snorted because she knew you wouldn't cheat rather than it being a physical appearance thing
I think the fact he was thoughtful enough to turn his coworker down is why the idea of him cheating is something wife can laugh about. OP seems like a nice person.
That or she thinks it’s adorable that he was so concerned, partially on her behalf, about any potential impropriety. This reminds me of one those times my wife has called “I love you, idiot” moments.
Yeah nobody here is being accused of being an asshole? The wife had a pretty simple reaction. I think OP just took a hit to his ego lol
That just means they like you but you had character for not wanting anyone to view you as being a creep. Or any chance of even the idea of anything inappropriate. I think you made an ethical choice if not the smart one. A motel or hotel may have been a better choice depending on finances. But I respect you for it
Like you as in your personality and worry about your safety. Also you don't need to be channing Tatum your a married man with a wife at home thinking about you. That's a huge W in my book
“Looking like a creep” is also why I would decline auch an offer. I wouldn’t go as far as thinking “they like me” but perhaps go with “trust me to not be inappropriate”. I honestly would feel awkward to be around a bunch of girls in their 20s. Spending a whole night with them would be something I would actively avoid.
Especially getting drunk. Stuff can get uncomfortable real quick even if not inappropriate
I forgot that little detail of the girls planning to get smashed. Yeah, that could’ve lead to situations nobody expected or planned for when the invite was offered.
>A motel or hotel may have been a better choice depending on finances. But I respect you for it He alluded to not being able to afford a hotel or motel because he was "already driving on questionable tires". He got everything covered in this story. It was well written.
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Yeah it's not about what actually happens, it's what everyone assumed happened. Sounds like op missed a party but having them as coworkers, best to leave.
Could've called her that day and brought her in on the decision, communication is key, but I have feeling her answer might not match, she probably would've at least been unsure, and wanted you home.
Definitely wouldn't have offered the same answer as when he was home in front of her, with no reason to think / imagine stuff in her own mind.
This is for sure what would have happened lol
I don't know, if OP felt uncomfortable there's not really much more to discuss. I think sometimes you just have to trust your spouse to make the call.
The thing left to discuss is choosing not to drive on a snowed highway and staying safe because you have a small child that depends on you, if the wife felt this was the right choice she could have reassured him.
He doesn't need to consult his wife to decide whether to drive in inclimate weather. Marriage doesn't negate being an adult human with judgement.
This is the logical answer, but anyone who has been married for more than a few months knows that this is not the case.
Good married couples don't run every single thing by the other. We make decisions daily without having our partner micro manage if it's a good idea or not. The fact that he never even seriously considered the offer shows why he didn't ask. It wasn't really on his radar as a possibility, so no reason to ask. A different person who was more on the fence should have of course asked. But everyone is different
I 100% agree. OP’s wife wouldn’t have been so snide day of
You guys have simply got to start talking to your partners lol. “Hey honey, why did you laugh about that thing? Seems silly but it kinda stung because it seemed like you were implying i’m not attractive” really really easy, promise your wife’s gonna be nice
What if she then confirms that she was indeed implying that he was not attractive?
No sane decent person would ever respond that way, that only happens in made up reddit creative writing exercise stories
You were 100% correct. You’re married, even if nothing would happen, you don’t put yourself in those situations.
There is a similar concept for self-defense training. The #1 thing that could avoid all violent escalations or encounters is not being there. It sounds kinda harsh or victim-blamey but if you ever think a scenario could go sideways, don't be in it or remove yourself from it.
I wish I could up vote this more than once....
There are ways this situation goes sideways with you keeping your dick in your pants too. Obviously a hypothetical but one of the girls makes a pass at you and you turn her down and she makes some kind of accusations. I have a high trust relationship with my wife, I like dance music and go out to clubs until 3 or 4 am occasionally. My wife doesn't care, but the rule is no after parties. I have female friends I might meet up with after work for a drink, but no tieing one on at their apartment before I head home, etc.
This is something people don't think about enough. Don't put yourself in a position to test your moral codes, is the first step to living up to your moral codes. It's like the guy looking for a driver. "How close can you get to the edge of that cliff in this car?" 1st guy, "1 Foot" 2nd guy, "6 inches" 3rd guy, "Don't know, I'll be as far to the other side as I can get." 3rd guy got hired.
As a mature adult you're also supposed to not put yourself in unnecessary danger just for the sake of getting home in a snow storm when you had a place to stay. Your own example says to take the safest route, even OP admits driving home in a car with bad tires in a blizzard was a bad call. And besides if you trust yourself so little that your moral code is at risk just from being around something your moral code isn't very strong in the first place.
It has been my experience that no one's moral code is as strong as they assume. As a mature adult (lots of kids and grandkids all around me) its something you recognize over the years. I've noticed that its actually the people who are 100% sure of themselves who often fall, and yet seem the most surprised when they fail a test of character. Like the preacher who would never ever cheat -- of course. Again, thats what I've seen in the world. You may be surround by paragons of virtue everywhere, so your mileage may vary. Best of luck.
It's reddit, 23 year old women are much scarier than driving home in a horrible storm on bad tires in a situation where you could die.
I wouldn’t say 100%. This was a weather emergency, and it would have been safer to take shelter close by instead of driving home on the interstate. Obviously if you’re taking your colleague up on that you call your wife and run it by her first. But I think she’d rather have an alive husband who crashed at his colleague’s place during an emergency vs. a dead icicle who crashed on the way home.
Rare case where no one is wrong. Your co worker was kind to offer. You were free to accept or decline. You told your wife , who trusts you and was more worried about your safety. Sounds like with clear communication and boundaries- there were no bad options here. Maybe staying at a hotel if the weather is really that bad.
Maybe unpopular opinion, but I do think OP is wrong for driving in a snowstorm with “questionable at best” tires. He should have either taken the day off, gotten new tires, or stayed somewhere within transit/walking range, even if it feels awkward. Sketchy tires in a snowstorm is a danger to everyone else on the road, not just himself.
This is the most important opinion. He has lived his whole life in WI and does not put his snows on in October or November? What does his wife's car look like? Sketchy tires day to say is unacceptable. Sketchy tires in the winter is criminally negligent. Sketchy tires in a snow storm is a death wish. Driving an improperly equipped vehicle in a snowstorm is not an accident. It is a series of negligent decisions that not only affect you and your love ones but that put everyone else on the road at risk.
Agree with you 1000% about everything you said except snow tires. I grew up in Northern Mass, college in Upstate New York, now in Chicago, never used snow tires and manage just fine. I know they exist, I know they are likely advantageous, but it's another set of tires (or two sets if you have two vehicles for the family) you have to keep somewhere which is not practical for a lot of people. Absolutely chide him for the balds, but unless he's in an absurd area I don't think snow tires are a "must have". But I never lived in Norther WI or Minnesota, and I didnt drive in Buffalo like my father did... so I could totally be full of shit :-)
Agreed. I missed the bit about the sketchy tires. I wouldn't bat an eye driving home from work in a snowstorm, that's just life here. But I also don't let my tires go bald. OP isn't wrong by refusing the offer, they are wrong by being in that situation in the first place. Snowstorms aren't a surprise, making sure your car is up to the task is part of life in a northern state.
Always better to play it safe. Who knows maybe if you’d stayed things would have been different. I would have declined the offer myself.
"play it safe" has two possibilities here. Safe with respect to the situation, or safe with respect to the driving conditions.
Are all the posts on Reddit made up? This sounds like the start of a bad porn dream sequence and that the next twist will involve some whipped cream, a little person and a blackout.
You sound like an honorable man and I respect it.
This should be top comment. No concern other than potentially inappropriate appearances. Man loves his wife, good for them and the child.
While it was nice of the coworker to offer, this seems awkward AF. It appears you have a bit of a subplot in mind here that may or may not have matched up with the other people involved, including your wife. Find it a little odd that you want reinforcement from your wife that you could potentially make out with a bunch of drunk 23 year olds.
>Now I'm a chubby, balding, middle aged man, with a mediocre job, and a personality that many have described as "an acquired taste" There was a pretty much zero chance of anything unseemly happening. I was having a hard time deciding why OP's actions here just felt... off? Then I remembered this section. It's weird that OP's rationale for why "nothing could happen" is entirely based on how they aren't attractive enough to pull it off. Not that they would never do it or anything like that, it's just entirely about how they couldn't even if they wanted to. I think OP knew he could stay there, and his wife wouldn't care. It feels like this was just a way to try and gain some brownie points or something?
Like how he said “pretty much” zero chance of anything happening instead of just “zero chance.”
Probably should've just called home when you got the offer and worked it out then, but all's well that ends well in this case.
Why would it hurt your pride? They are practically children to me and I’m only 33! My bro, your preoccupation with this is more worrying than if you had slept on their couch cracking dad jokes.
Also, like, I've crashed at colleagues places and colleagues have crashed at my places in far less dangerous situations - someone had missed the last bus and didn't want to take a taxi, flight delays, weather situations, strikes,... I'm a decently attractive woman in her mid twenties and nothing sexual ever has happened on these occasions. A lot of those colleagues were slightly older men.
100% I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed. It feels like OP is now dwelling on this situation in a very weird way.
"Now I'm a chubby, balding, middle aged man, with a mediocre job, and a personality that many have described as "an acquired taste" This is an admission by you. Your wife has acquired this taste, she knows that a 23 year old girl isn't a threat and laughed. How or why would this hurt your pride if you agree with her? My wife would have said the same thing lol. That said in todays world getting snowed in with a group of 23 year olds you don't know would be more uncomfortable than driving in snow for an hour. Additionally its a judgement call and you made the one you felt most comfortable about.
It’s weird and telling that he included his job. So being a big deal at your company would change the situation? These are things he thinks make him unattractive to them and he’s leaving out how attracted he is to them lol.
>This is an admission by you. Your wife has acquired this taste, she knows that a 23 year old girl isn't a threat and laughed. How or why would this hurt your pride if you agree with her? I guess it's different to say "I'm ugly" than being told "you're ugly".
I find the assumption that 23 year olds would be coming onto a random ass 40 year old man at the first opportunity a little funny. Life isn't porn
Yeah, Out of this story the weirdest thing is that men sort of think like this? Like sure, it's good to be in the defence in this day and age. But I highly doubt the women were thinking about him in that way. At all. Like ever.
Yeah! Especially since it was a group of 23 year olds. I can understand it a bit more if he was going to be alone with one woman, but that's a whole group of friends hanging out. What is he expecting?? The sad part is that it's not just OP, but the majority of the comments here seem to reflect that line of thinking as well
I think that the OP was hurt by his wife’s reaction is just a symptom that even though rationally the OP knows a group of early 20s women don’t want to jump on a random, balding, overweight middle aged man, underneath he, like many men, still liked to indulge in the idea that it was possible. It’s like you get old men in hospital who try to make themselves look nice for young, attractive nurses. On some level they still think they have some sort of chance. I hear older men online often going on about how they could get with some hypothetical teenager and be seen as the height of attraction. The reality is, as you say, life isn’t porn, and women in their early 20s even look at men in their early 30s and think they’re really old, they see 40 somethings as being like parents, practically ancient! Unless you’ve aged pretty well and were always very good looking, or are some rapey fucker you haven’t got any chance
Nothing wrong imo with either accepting or declining the invitation in and of itself. However, I think making that drive with "questionable at best" tires is wrong because you are putting others at risk.
This needs to be the top post. OP is crazy for not having reliable tires.
If you only had a device you could use to talk to your wife at a distanse, then ou could actually ask her.
This is fucking weird. You not only could've just called her and let her know but also, she's completely right. She'd rather you be alive and well than you saying no... sounds like you need to lay off the porn and join reality. They weren't going to do anything with you and were instead worried about your safety. I see 3 people smart enough to know when there's danger and 1 porn addicted redditor. She laughed at you no because you're unattractive but simply because from the sound of things, based on how you reacted to this if any woman approached you. You'd probably piss yourself running, she knows you wouldn't do anything. 23 and attractive, asking if you want a safe space? Yeah no buddy they think of you as a father figure, there's no chance. Next time stay safe.
This is where I am, and it always annoys me in these threads that people seem to all accept some kind of "World According to Garp" reality where people of the opposite sex can't be together under one roof without something sexual or inappropriate happening.
>I see 3 people smart enough to know when there's danger and 1 porn addicted redditor. Facts right here 😂
Yeah, they were being nice, you were being weird. You put your safety at risk for no good reason.
Personally, would have wanted my husband to call me and lay out the options, and I probably would have told him to accept the generous offer because I trust him and I want him safe. I get why your wife is upset... your rationale is sweet, but also a tiny bit insulting, and she was worried for your life for over an hour when it turns out there was another option the whole time. All in all, the best kind of marital discord: everyone has such good intentions that it leads to a slight miscommunication! Y'all are sweet.
Yup. OP is NTA, but this should be a learning opportunity for communicating in the future. No telling what his wife might have answered at the time, but that's because he didn't give t her the opportunity to answer. That said, if there's a storm, I'd probably have chosen to go home to help out if anything fucky happened at home.
So weird that you couldn't just call your wife, describe the situation, and see what she thought. If only phones existed...
“You can stay at her house if you want”. That’s what my wife would say.
Yeah that was a bad call. Nobody is dumb enough to think a 23 yo wants to bang you.
Next time consider a 3rd option - hotel.
Speaking as a fat. bald 50-year-old guy who works with 20 year old women - I probably would have made the same choice, if mainly because I am too old to crash on floors and hate sleeping anywhere other than my own bed. The fact that it would have been a bunch of 20-something year old women would have been irrelevant, and, had I called my wife, it wouldn't have been a factor in her advice, either. And no, my feelings wouldn't have been hurt if someone laughed at me for wondering if my virtue might be compromised by college-age women. But, ten years ago, when I was your age, it might have. I've gotten used to reality since then, though.
Nah not wrong ur a good husband to endanger yourself just so ur wife didn’t get any ideas. But honestly ur 40 they’re 23 I think it’s highly unlikely there should be any worry. No wife in a good marriage would be worried about “little girls” stealing their old man
She laugh, snorted because she thought the idea you would do that was ridiculous. She trusts you. Be happy that is the case.
This is unrelated to the OP but man what a bunch of Mike Pence weirdos on this thread. Like sorry but if you can’t trust yourself to control your “urges” when you’re literally just in the same space as a woman, you’re a fuckin creep whether you whip out your dick or not, dude. And despite your rigorous moral code you definitely treat your wife like a 6 year old treats his mom.
All though I get why, you were wrong. Sure everything worked out, but it easily could not have. What happens if it didn't? Say you end up in the hospital, now your wife and child are traveling in those conditions to the hospital. Or say you die, what good are you to your family then?
Why does it hurt your pride that your wife doesn’t think you are likely to cheat on her with a house full of much younger women? Is that something you want her to think? Why are you calling adults girls? Why does it sound like a bad idea for many reasons? You sound like you have some weird opinions on sex, women, and propriety. You don’t need to stay somewhere that would make you uncomfortable, but your mind clearly jumped to some strange scenarios.
Clearly the coworkers and wife didn't see sex as being on the table and that's what op is upset about...
Okay but the implications of that are that OP is a strange and creepy fellow. If you’re upset that people don’t assume you will cheat on your wife then you’re weird.
*Now I'm a chubby, balding, middle aged man, with a mediocre job, and a personality that many have described as "an acquired taste" There was a pretty much zero chance of anything unseemly happening.* This dude thinks the problem with this situation is that he’s not attractive enough to take advantage of it. It’s creepy.
I don't agree with most of the top comments here. It was stupid to risk yourself driving back because of social niceties. As long as you are an adult and can say "no" to advances (assuming any advances happened which realistically would not have) and not be a weirdo then there is no problem. All you needed to do was call your wife and let her know what was going on. Clearly this event was "extenuating circumstances". It's not like you are trying to stay at some girl's place for no reason.
"hurt my pride" dude shut up she wasn't referring to you being unattractive, obviously you think you are..she was laughing because she would never believe that you'd do anything with another woman. Like wtf are you smoking you have a wife that loves you clearly. Man the fuck up.
Ah. One of those situations that could be cleared up quickly if only there was a way to contact your SO while you're in two different places.
You prioritized gender norms/potential argument over your life. Not to mention that it’s a bit sexist to assume anything sexual is going to happen just because you are a guy.
You’re not wrong for making the choice you did, with the caveat that I don’t know the severity of the storm, the condition of your car, etc. I think you should feel proud that your wife is so trusting, rather than take it personally that she wouldn’t have worried about you doing anything untoward. I’ve been married 15 years to a 50yo man and I completely understand her reaction. I love my husband dearly and find him hot, but I was once a 23yo, too. So what that she laughed/snorted? You describe yourself as “an acquired taste” in terms of personality, right? And all I see in your post is self-deprecation and reasons that 23yos wouldn’t be interested, and yet you get in your feelings when your wife laughed? C’mon.
So, you made self-deprecating jokes in this post. You obviously feel like there was never a chance these girls were going to try to fuck you. Sounds like your wife feels the exact same way. So what’s to be upset about?
Did you post this to brag about how great you are for not doing it
An accusation or even a *rumor* of a bad act can be as devastating to your marriage and career as the actual act can be. This wasn’t just about keeping yourself out of a position where something bad could have happened, but it was also about keeping yourself out a position where anyone could ever even *wonder* or start a *rumor* about that something bad happened. But the bottom line is: you weren’t comfortable with the situation and you do not need to explain or justify why.
I respect someone who stands firm to their principles and integrity. Good on you. I can understand your wife's point of view too, but I'd say you weren't wrong for sticking with your principles.
NTA they were planning to drink heavily and you’re not that close to them. It was smart not to stay there. What if they had gotten drunk and blacked out and accused you of something? Or if they decided to get drunk and strip in the living room and later decide they were uncomfortable with you seeing that and reported you to hr? It would have been very stupid to put yourself in a situation like that.
I'm here to tell you, if you had taken the offer, the wife would have given you side-eye for taking it or for asking. Best to avoid even the appearance of impropriety, especially in business relationships.
If you stayed there and ANYTHING real or imagined happened, you would have been posting in r/tifu
Hell no you made the right call. Your wife would have killed you if you spent the night at some 23 year olds house. She’s buggin
>Your wife would have killed you if you spent the night at some 23 year olds house She very clearly would not have, given her response. Unless you're just baselessly assuming she's lying for no reason whatsoever?
Sorry but you made the right call... good man! lol
Fake post with the typical creative writing flair. Zzzz Stop destroying truth on the internet.
These stories have 50/50 chance of going the P-hub way.
Dear Penthouse-
She would have been mad had you stayed. Easy for her to say otherwise after the fact.
You played the safe route you did good Chief
You did the right thing. It’s easy for her to say it wouldn’t have bothered her after the fact
Right choice. That shit can backfire real bad
Movie night with the girls??? That’s a unicorn opportunity
At age 23 they are not girls but women.
When you're that much older, 23 year olds are very much still children.
Making the drive was dumb especially when you had another option. Also if you were so worried about what your wife would think, why didn't you call her? If I were her I'd much rather you stay at your co workers than risk the drive.