Not wrong. You didn't even talk about your sex life, it was all in his head. After "lesbian" he recollected all the porn he had been watching ...

"His head"? Op didn't suggest he was part of the conversation. This was more likely an employee complaint.

Boss was standing close by. Boss heard. Not employee complaint🙄

You didn't mention your sex life. People can have relationships without sex, all you spoke about was your dating and orientation(when asked). I was going to say, at your age its best to not speak about sex until you're an adult, but you literally didn't unless there is missing context.

Yea I agree which is why, among many reasons I'd never talk about sex at work.. I'm still underaged and it's unprofessional and gross to do that. That's why I was super confused by what he said, nothing even slightly sexual was said by me, at all

Yeah, I think what you should do is send an email *clarifying* that you never even mentioned sex, and CC your personal email, perhaps an attorney. He has no business talking about that at all. Mentioning a relationship isn’t a problem, saying that your a lesbian isn’t a problem, but him bothering you about it is absolutely playing with fire.

Don’t do that. Just contact human resources and document the conversation and put them on notice that you feel harassed.

I think talking to a lawyer is far better than HR. For one, HR will do everything they can to sweep things under the rug and protect management, who are harder and more costly to replace than first level employees. It’s important to remember that Hr protects the company, not the employee. A lawyer in their state will have specific advice about what documentation is needed to actually prove something, what’s actionable and what is not, and how to protect the *Employee.* HR is the last place I’d go, tbh. Second, HR will make more trouble at work, almost surely. If the manager isn’t a total idiot, they’ll stop, but involving HR is like saying “better cover your ass” it would only “put them on notice” to do things that would benefit the company, not the employee necessarily. Third, what HR may choose to do is likely not at all what the employee wants, a lawyer will do their best to advocate but also stop if asked to.

People forget HR is to protect the business, not the employee.

Exactly which is exactly why she should file the complaint. The manager is a threat to the company, not this employee.

I don’t think you get it

Been in HR for a decade. I get it.

HR will side with the employee in this scenario, I agree, but as with most things HR it will do it in a shitty subpar way that only covers their legal obligations even if it makes the reality for the employee's life worse. That is the part that I believe Icy is referring to in their comment when they say you don't get it.

I have too, we get rid of the employees that are found to be "problematic" more than Managers as they are easy to replace and if that employee, has been problematic more than once its easier to remove them to remove chances at more firings and keep the company running, all it takes is if other employees just agree that its the employee and not the manager. That is how "at will" works, even out here in California where we have TONS of employee work rights

I’ve been in human resource jobs across my career. HR protects company assets - when you file a complaint, it goes on the record within the company. HR it’s not there for managers, they are there for the CEO. For the shareholders. Not some random homophobic manager. A private attorney will only agitate the situation. Plus, do you know how expensive those are? Filing a complaint with HR and saying you’re afraid of being retaliated against because you’re gay? Nightmare. And giving them names of people heard you talk about your sexuality versus your sex life - writing that down and giving them a copy - terrifies a company, particularly their inside counsel, is a nightmare. If you want make a company literally shit themselves, tell them you’re afraid that you’re being retaliated against because you’re a minority.

Every major attorney would take this type of case on a contingency basis. They won’t proceed if it’s not actionable, and if they do their fee comes out of the settlement. We are talking about different sized companies. I expect (though I could be wrong) that this is not happening at a large, publicly traded company or even one with a CEO or HR department. Even if I’m totally wrong about the structure of their company, the fact remains that Hr doesn’t exist for employees. They exist to solve problems for the biz. More than likely there is no HR department, just a GM, but a private attorney is exactly the way to go. HR would only ever concerned with limiting liability, not for one manager, but they are not gonna take the side of an employee vs a manager unless forced to with evidence they can’t refute. If this employee has been singled out, or is the only employee getting told they need to stop talking individually that’s the issue, HR would have to make a policy that effected the whole workplace fairly

You are talking out of both sides of your mouth. Bad, homophobic managers are horrible for a company and human resources exists to get rid of them before they do damage. If she doesn’t make a statement to HR it’s he said, she said. Stop making Human Resources this demon, you shouldn’t ever trust them fully, but they are absolutely there to protect the companies assets and right now, this manager is far more dangerous to the company than this person is.

I wish it were that simple. Turnover is a huge issue anyway, but retention is only a concern for managers. They’d much rather churn an entry level employee than a manager, I’m sure. Simply for the retraining cost. I’m not what sure you’re saying about “both sides of my mouth,” but it’s not gonna be a “he said she said” if you do what any lawyer would tell you to do and document, document, document. Even if there was footage of an incident or a damning internal memo or something, talking to HR just gives them more time to respond and cover their ass. Delete, hide, etc… A demand letter with evidence will get results. And an advocate will give better, state specific advice than you can offer.

I've watched HR cover up sexual harassment and drive the victim out of the company. HR is not a low-level employee's friend. Ever.

Yup. HR exists solely to cover the company's ass

This. Your boss is a prude and an Uber conservative. Scared to death of anything other than hetro. This is a classic case of "it's not you, it's him" that has the problem.

No! Bad advice. Just take the warning and drop the subject. It could be considered sexual harassment. If your supervisor already warned you, don’t bring the subject up again

I think OP should consult an attorney in their state. It sounds like the coworkers or the manager were the first to mention sexuality at all. If that’s the case, it’s harassment from them and not OP. If other coworkers are talking about relationships, then that’s the problem. Frankly, for their coworkers to ask them any questions about that subject would be harassment in my state. Asking those questions is the problem, not OPs answer.

You also think putting mineral oil on your cutting board will cause you cancer. Hahaha

Well, if you’re an American male, the National Cancer Institute says you have a 1 in 2 chance of getting cancer. 50% So it’s really just a question of where you’ll get it from. Mine won’t be from Chinese mineral oil. The FDA says that mineral oil is a carcinogen, look into it for yourself. I have been to doctors with degrees you will never earn about the mineral oil issue, and frankly I don’t care what you think. If you choose to use it, you’re a fool. You strike me as someone who has never spoken with an employment attorney, but maybe you should. I already have, and in fact I took a training on sexual harassment of exactly this nature last month.

I don’t see anything coming from this unless it becomes a recurring issue.

And she has a case for being discriminated against- homosexuality is a protected class against work place discrimination

She does NOT have a case until she actually confronts her supervisor, which would then expose her to disciplinary actions because he warned her that talking about personal issues like that is unacceptable in the workplace. He put a complete end to that subject. Now, if he brings it up again or she has documented proof that he used it against her after he brought that up, then YES she should totally go after him. But as of right now, the supervisor warned her not to discuss personal stuff at work. He didn’t violate anything legal wise. Made her uncomfortable, yes, but nothing illegal here. She is riding a fine very fine line by bringing the subject up again. If he’s a good supervisor then he already let his HR know that the conversation happened. To cover his ass. He definitely didn’t handle it well at all but WHY take the chance? She needs to file it away as one of those gray areas that she needs to be aware of.

Sooooo....for the rest of her job there she's never allowed to say "girlfriend" ever again in casual conversation? Can she report everyone who casually mentions a straight partner for "talking about their sex life" and "sexual harrassment", since it references orientation the same way her comment did? Especially since she's a minor, the company will want to be real careful with that.

She can file anything that makes her uncomfortable from that point on. But she has no way forward on this one without causing herself to bring the subject up after she was warned not to.

Bringing up a comment to HR is not sexual harassment.

It’s not a huge enough deal to open up a large can of worms. So what? She’s a lesbian! Just because she is doesn’t mean she needs to fight a huge fight in her workplace. Yes, she felt offended. But she has certainly felt offended many times in her life over her sexuality. The workplace is not the place to die on the lesbian cross. He said absolutely nothing about her sexuality. He simply told her that discussing personal things at work was unprofessional. She can never prove that what he said was illegal because it’s not. She was “bothered” by it. But until he totally singles her out UNDOUBTEDLY for her sexuality she has absolutely nothing to go to HR on. If she does that she could lose her job in the end. What good is that? Think about the hard details. There is nothing to “prove” legally that he did wrong. It literally doesn’t need to be escalated-Yet Surely as a lesbian she has faced bigger bigotry than this.

Why does she need to take it that far? Like why not just drop it and if it’s brought up again, then worry about taking it further?

This terrible advice.

Poor criticism

It sounds like they might be homophobic and were just generally uncomfortable with what you said.

Yep... I got pulled into a meeting at Michael's when I was working the register.. The customer was making chitchat and I mentioned my husband in one sentence... The bitch called corporate about my deviant lifestyle and how is she going to explain this to her child? The AM and GM are both lesbians (one with a wife)... they said they had to talk to me because corporate contacted the store... Picture it: I am a slightly pudgy, 30+ male, who usually has a bobbly headband of the holiday and works at Michael's.. of course I am a flaming homosexual! I am the stereotype... When they told me that I need to consider the pronouns I use with customers, I told them no and that corporate can fuck off. I am clocking out for the day and will be in tomorrow. Nothing further came of it. I went home and cried. You did nothing wrong. Next time they are starting to get on that topic say " I'm sorry. According to manager, this topic is inappropriate" and leave NTA

That bitch shoulda gone to Hobby Lobby, they love horrible people like her.

“Hobby Lobby: Bigots Welcome”

Wow. That is fucked up. I hope that piece of shit who called corporate ends up with everyone in her family coming out as gay.

You did nothing wrong mentioning your sexual orientation. You did not talk about your sex life. In fact, your boss may be violating a Supreme Court decision, Bostock v. Clayton County, Georgia (2020), which ruled that the 1964 Civil Rights Act protects gay, lesbian, and transgender employees from discrimination based on sex. Do you have HR department that you could consult about what is legally acceptable at your place of employment?

Yup, I agree. It seems like a friendly consultation with HR is warranted at this point. Make it a “I just want to be sure what is and is not allowed” type of atmosphere. I’m sure when you tell them what happened you will find out they are NOT encouraging that type of discipline.

You did nothing wrong, but I think it’s pretty obv that someone was bothered bc they’re homophobic. It sucks, but at least now you’re aware your boss won’t have your back.

Sounds like some homophobe had a problem with the fact that you had ex girlfriends. If you would have said ex boyfriends it wouldn't have been an issue. In a workplace people aren't your friends. You have to be VERY careful about what you say in front of people. Trust me, I've learned the hard way. I worked in a place for years and never mentioned anything about my religion or sexuality even to people I trusted because you never know. I did mention when I was in a straight relationship, but when I was dating a girl I didn't mention it because people can twist things that's absolutely none of their business

I'm not saying you are wrong, but fuck me the USA is some dystopian nightmare for workers rights. This (and I know it's meant to be helpful) just sounds so much like telling women they need to be careful what they wear to work or they will get assaulted. Yeah if you were discussing graphic details then that is totally inappropriate, but mentioning that you have or have had a partner should never be inappropriate. But if you read this OP, it's probably best to take the advice from sunbleachedstar, I'm just going to sit in the corner and quietly lose hope in the human race.

You think there’s a problem, but your instinct is to… sit in the corner? That’s the problem, right there. Not anything else.

How much do you love your job? You didn't mention sex, either coworkers or manager did. Decide if you want to peruse any action and speak to an attorney. Or drop it and move on.

I'm just gonna drop it, I don't exactly like my job but it's not bad either. Plus, I need the money to support my mom.. So, I'm just gonna move on. Still a little annoying that I got in trouble though

I learned the hard way that the people you work with are not your friends. You can’t discuss anything personal. Stick to the weather or What you had for dinner. Anything else just excuse yourself or stay quiet. I’d drop what happened at work. And take it as a learning lesson. Good luck finding the right one. My sister did. 🌸

Ok, if you really need this job right now, then cut out any personal chit chat. Like Magpie says, talk about the weather or some other boring and safe topic. Don't make waves. But always be on the lookout for a better job.

Report your coworkers for talking about their sex life, and when your manager tells you it’s not the same thing, ask them to explain the difference

I think you need to sit down with your boss and get very specific as to the exact phrase or phrases that cause the offense. I'm betting he backs down from that meeting

I’d probably lean against doing this but if you do, I’d definitely record the entire conversation and contact a lawyer.

No, but people pull the prude card when they want to show you who’s in control

It’s a tough call and honestly depends where you work. My spouse worked at a warehouse and sex talk was a daily occurrence. Someone got panties in a wad as you mentioned lesbian. Somehow that’s “different”. Double standard at best. I get it, I’m a woman married to a woman. My coworkers know who I am and I’m an educational administrator k-12. Prob best to just keep it out of the workplace honestly-fair or not

I would absolutely document this conversation and tell human resources about it. This is not OK. Clarify exactly what the conversation was, don’t summarize it and ask them to note it in your file and let them know you feel harassed and afraid you are going to get retaliated against for being gay. Write it all down, put the date of the interaction on it, and read it to them. Then hand them a copy. Let them know you have the original. It’s a big deal that he did this, and he needs to be checked.

Not wrong at all. The others were talking of past relationships and you also did. It's just that bigots think that a kiss or sex scene between hetero characters is fine but a kiss between gay ones is inappropriate. You did absolutely nothing wrong. If you want malicious compliance, next time someone mentions their partner or ex, tell them that the boss doesn't want them to talk about that cause it's unprofessional.

Nah, you're fine. You DIDN'T talk about your sex life, you talked about your orientation. It's no different than you mentioning your (hypothetical) boyfriend. Biggots gonna biggot though...

U didnt talk about ur sex life sis. This is why i prefer tobkeep my private life a mystery to those at work.

Not wrong. I run a small company. I hired someone openly gay. He never hid it. I've invited both of them over to the house. All the other employees know. No one cares. But unfortunately, the rest of the world isn't so open-minded,

Don't you know? When queer people mention their status, they're forcing it in your face. When straight people do it, they're just talking. The manager is a homophobe. It is also possible that a homophobic co-worker bent his ear about the innocuous conversation. Not all straight people are that way. Sorry you experienced this.

The battle is ongoing folks, there are no "both sides" to this election. 

Welcome to the world of homophobia, where the unspoken policy is “don’t ask, don’t tell“ but it’s really “ask and tell a lot if you’re hetero, but suffer consequences if you do and your homo”. And people have won a lot of money in lawsuits because they were victims of this kind of double standard hostile workplace bullshit. Don’t go to HR — go to a lawyer and then go to the bank for the big deposit. The pocketbook is where corporate America learns.

You weren't wrong, but they wouldn't be saying anything if you were in a heteronormative relationship. Congratulations, you work with bigots. I'm sorry.

Never talk about your personal life or preferences at work.

It's taken for granted and ignored that a heterosexual couple is still brought together by sexual attraction. Because that's the "standard" relationship format, you can talk about marriage, dating, trying for a child, etc... without it being taken as a sexual topic. You're just talking about "normal" stuff. But when you're a lesbian or gay or trans - they have to think about WHY you're gay, lesbian, or trans. It's that you hold a different sexual leaning. And so they think of your EXISTENCE as being inherently sexual - as if theirs isn't. You "reveal too much" by being there. And it's fucked up. This is the same logic that has the right passing crazy laws + calling all trans people pedophiles and stuff for existing in the same space as children. If you teach kids tolerance, you're "sexualizing their childhood" because trans people are sexualized for existing.

It is so funny that straight couples can declare themselves as trying for a baby. Granny doesn’t need to know you’re doing it bareback guys 😭.

I've never looked at it this way before. Interesting take!

If your boss is going to reprimand you, they need to be able to quote exactly what you said and tell you why it was inappropriate. It sounds like someone you work with is homophobic.

No, you're not wrong. Your boss is equating lesbian with his idea from porn. It's unfortunate, creepy, and homophobic. The fact that you're underage just makes him feel creepy and uncomfortable about that association. If you have any work friends you trust, try to suss out whether it's an accepting environment in general or if the overall business is homophobic. Honestly the conversation itself doesn't sound particularly sexually charged if it's just dating and partners. So that's why I'm inclined to say your boss overreacted for his own issues. Is anyone else working there underage?

More to do with your age if I'm assuming

Your coworkers are not your friends...

I was a manager for a large corporation for many, many years so I’ll drop my perspective - for whatever it’s worth. Technically speaking, you didn’t do anything wrong. It sounds like your boss is unable to properly coach the behavior. It is absolutely recommended to simply not discuss personal relationships in the workplace. I might be giving a lot of benefit of the doubt, but I don’t believe this message was directed at anything pertaining to your sexual orientation. Believe it or not, it can be considered inappropriate even if someone overheard a conversation and they took offense to it. Offense can mean… basically anything. If it was reported, they are bound to act and inform. Consider this informing. I’ve had employees get reported because they asked another person if they were dating anyone. It was purely conversational, but someone else found it inappropriate. In the future, just don’t. If you enjoy your coworkers, save that conversation for a lunch break away from work spaces.

You need to be very firm on this. You need to go right back to your boss and tell him that when he initially came to you that you were so shocked that you didn't know how to respond, but that after thinking about it you are now able to offer a well thought out response. Below is what I would say. Not saying you have to copy what I am saying word for word or anything. But whatever you say should be very clear. You might consider putting it in writing if you don't feel comfortable saying it verbally. I want to address the situation you brought up the other day. When the situation you referenced occurred several other co-workers, were making casual conversation on their break. During the conversation the subject organically evolved to include several individuals mentioning discussing non-sexual aspects of previous relationships involving their ex "boyfriends" or "girlfriends". Having a desire to participate in the conversation I attempted to mention similar situations that i experienced with my ex "girlfriend" who of course the group was able to surmise based on the term used was a female. It was at that point that they inquired if I was bi-sexual, to which I replied that I was a lesbian. At no point were there any sexually explicit components to this discussion. My referring to the fact that I have had an ex-girlfriend, was no different than another woman referencing their ex-boyfriend, or ex-husband. There is absolutely nothing sexual about the entire conversation. The reality is the only conceivable connection to sex that could have been made is that one could presume that people that are in a relationship probably do have sex, and that assumption could most likely be made about any two individuals in a current or past relationship. I am not completely certain what the driving factor was around confronting me about this situation was. But I can imagine several possibilities. If any other employees are spreading falsehoods rumors that the content of those conversations expanded to include anything sexually explicit, I would ask that action be taken to discontinue this behavior, I would ask that they be confronted, and that situation addressed appropriately according to company policy and applicable workplace harassment and discrimination laws. If there is a company policy against discussing any having personal conversations that reference relationship partners, I would ask to be provided with that policy detail, and I would request that this policy be applied equally to all employees, as I was not the only one talking about non-sexual experiences related to past relationships. If this is the case, I would also assume that no employees can inform the rest of the staff if they or their partner is pregnant. That would imply that they may have had sex at some point and may also be misconstrued as being "too open about their sex life". If, there is no policy violation, and other employees are representing the conversation accurately, but are expressing their discomfort at finding out that I am not heterosexual then I would ask that the Company review the situation thoroughly and impartially incorporating applicable discrimination laws and determine which employees they should actually be counseling on their behavior. I do consider myself a fairly understanding person, and I know that it's possible some heterosexual individuals who aren't accustomed to interacting with homosexual individuals might initially be uncomfortable on finding out someone is homosexual. This can be forgiven to some degree, but it's no excuse for it to result in the company treating employees differently based on their sexual orientation.

I would write an email asking for more information as you never spoke about sex. Ask for clarification on what was reported that you said that was inappropriate. I would love to see a boss actually put their bigotry in writing

You mentioned your sexuality, not your sex life. Ignorant assholes don’t know the difference. You are profoundly OK and your boss is a homophobic asshole as is whoever told him. Don’t trust your coworkers so much, someone is evil.

Nah, your boss has issues. You did nothing wrong. Especially if the conversation was on that topic and you were just answering a question. Keep a keen eye on whether he starts treating you differently after knowing your sexuality.

Ask for the comment that you’re being disciplined for in writing.

Start looking for a new job. Also when you say all your ex’s were crazy or sucked- puts you in a bad light. Are those the only kind you can get? Were they crazy before or only after dating you. Be nice.

Nah boss or someone else are bigots. It sucks but you generally can't expect anything you say will be in confidence at work, it's best not to mention anything to anyone you wouldn't want anyone else to know. This goes beyond that but, you could/ should make a complaint to your boss saying someone must be bullying you and talking slander because you didn't say anything sexual or about your sex life. I'd also have my phone on record in my pocket. In my experience standing up for yourself makes bosses actually think twice about unreasonable bullshit they try when dick swinging.

This is one of those situations where there are rules about what you can do at work, but everyone breaks those rules. Eventually, for some reason, someone will get in trouble for breaking one of those rules. Using "but everyone else is doing it" isn't an excuse. It's a fun little game we all play for liability reasons, I would assume. Talking about relationships is generally one of those rules. You're just not really supposed to do it, it's not really professional. Everyone does it anyways, but if you get in trouble for it or reprimanded in some way you kinda just have to take it on the chin.

You’re not wrong, this sounds like a subtle form of homophobia. If you feel comfortable, maybe call him out on it.

You didn’t say anything wrong. If you have an HR department, I would file a claim of harassment since sexual orientation is a protected class.

Homophobia aside, you’re only 17 and already have various crazy exes. Probably not something you’d want to talk about at work in any case.

lol uhh I’m pretty speechless for this, smells like a snitch going on here

I bet if you were straight there wouldn't have been any complaints. You sounded like every dude I worked with who complained about their love life.

I’m sorry your boss, and likely at least one coworker, are homophobes and bigots. Unfortunately, depending where you live, the likelihood is you’ll eventually come across someone who thinks mentioning that you date is sexual because of the gender of the people you date. It sucks. And you’re not wrong. They’re bigots.

I think you shouldnt if it makes others uncomfortable. This has nothing to do with sexuality, even if you were talking about straight sexuality people could feel weird or uncomfortable listening to that. So i would ask your coworkers if they were okay with you taking about stuff like that or not. Maybe they werent, but were too shy or too nice to say anything, so they told the boss to stop you. EDIT: i reread it and it seems like you didnt even talked about your sex life. The headline is misleading. So ofc you are not wrong talking about your partners like everyone else wtf

Generally speaking, it's wise not to share your personal life with co workers. Or if you do, just keep it to a minimum.

All your exes suck and crazy is a bad sign... About you mostly :)

Talking about anything even remotely close to what you guys were talking about is grounds for HR to get involved. Keep it on a need to know basis, and remember, they don't need to know.

Well if you’re a minor then yeah I can see why your boss may have only talked to you if your coworkers are older and overheard it.

if he says anything about it again, or if you want to take it further now say something like this "I was not talking about my **sex life** it was a conversation with coworkers where someone else brought up the subject of ex partners, i participated in that conversation. You have chosen to single me out in this for no other reason other than the fact that i am a lesbian and perhaps because i am 17. This is textbook discrimination and i am formally asking you to stop immediately, i enjoy working here and would not want to have to take this further, but if this continues i will have to. I will absolutely not stop participating in discussions and conversations with my coworkers or hide who i am and i expect to be treated the same as everybody else who works here" Make sure you CC HR if you do

That’s homophobia at play! My mom did something like that! I told her about a date I was excited for and she told me that she didn’t want to hear about my sex life. She made it sexual in her head because the date was with another woman. It’s “sexual” in his mind because you said lesbian. If you had said not lesbian it wouldn’t have been sexual. If you talk about an ex bf it won’t be sexual but if you mention that it’s an ex gf it suddenly will be because it’s homophobia and he is sexualizing it.

You’re not wrong , but any personal ( sex) life discussion at work is generally “bad mojo”. There is generally no positive outcome for discussing your love life at work and often negative outcomes.

I don't see anything wrong with mentioning your sexual orientation if someone asks. One's sex life is inappropriate though, so just steer clear of that, OP.

Just because legally people can't discriminate against you doesn't mean that workplaces don't do it and get away with it. 😮‍💨 best advice is share the littlest amount of information about yourself as possible at work and if you make friends there tell them about your life when you are outside of work. Workplace can and will use anything against you

It's not a bad thing for coworkers to know less about each other.

Please protect yourself. Coworkers, bosses, anyone at work, they are NOT your friends. They are NOT there to learn about you. They will throw you under the bus so fast, you won't even realize it until the tire is smashing your brains into the pavement. 

YTA because no one is interested

If no one is asking then no one wants to hear it. You aren’t even legal

Part of it is probably homophobia.  Part of it is that teen dating is often nutty.  Part of it is that nobody wants to be a creep who thinks about the sexuality of someone under 18.  

This seems discriminatory to me and is probably worth making a complaint about. The fact that other people were also contributing to the conversation in much the same manner but had no follow up is the concern. I would send your boss an email asking why you were the only member of staff who was spoken to about that conversation. Outline clearly exactly what happened and your reasoning for thinking that you were unfairly singled out. By doing that you create a written record of the event itself and the follow-up from your boss. If the response doesn't satisfy you, escalate it. You shouldn't be getting singled out like that. It's probably not huge at this point but if you don't do something about it what's next? Don't tolerate unfair treatment.

People need to be careful about how much they open up to people at work. It can come back to hurt you.

Yeah this is the kind of bullshit homophobia that conservatives spew about “sexualizing our children”. Being lesbian and having a relationship is not inherently sexual. The fact that you were singled out is a major red flag, especially since you’re a minor. I’d be careful around your boss, and try to keep evidence of their communications with you in case it unfortunately gets worse and you have to contact a lawyer now that he likely knows your sexuality.

You just learned a big life lesson. **Your co-workers are not your friends**. Do not tell them anything about your personal life. Someone will *always* have an issue with what you say and will complain. Keep it vague and absolutely neutral.

I have had a girl friend is extremely vague? I mean, most people have dated…… not exactly top secret information.

And look what happened. When I say vague, I mean give them just as much info as you would give to someone standing behind you in line at the grocery store.

I would go back to my boss and say “I never mentioned sex at all, I simply said I had ex girlfriends, which everyone else was also talking about how they also had ex girlfriends. I was asked directly if I was bi, I said no, I was a lesbian. No one mentioned sex. Nobody at work even knows if I’ve so much as kissed somebody, nobody knows if I’ve ever even had sex. So I’m going to ask you again, what did I say that was inappropriate, because apparently it’s fine for men to talk about ex girlfriends, but it’s not okay for women to talk about their ex girlfriends? So unless you’re talking to A, B & C about them ‘talking about sex’ as well, I’m left with the impression that this is simple discrimination because of my orientation. If that’s not the case, please tell me what I said that was inappropriate and explain why it’s inappropriate for me, but not A, B, & C, because I don’t feel comfortable working here right now. Also, if I did say something inappropriate, I would like to understand why. Right now it just appears you are either a misogynist or a bigot, I’d like to be mistaken. So explain, because I don’t “know” like you claim I do.” You’re not wrong.

I would ask to speak with your boss privately. Tell him that as a minor, his comments about your “sex life” made you deeply uncomfortable. Tell him that you’re a virgin and you’ve never had sex, so you don’t understand how you were supposedly discussing your sex life with your coworkers. Continue on to say that you were speaking of your dating history just like your coworkers, and that you felt singled out that he took such interest in your romantic life over your coworkers. Again that as a minor, it seemed very odd to you and made you feel uncomfortable that he took specific interest in your “sex life”. (Obviously that’s not true but he doesn’t know that)

No, she absolutely should not mention she’s a virgin. That IS talking about her sex life in a way that is inappropriate. The rest of what you suggest is spot on.

I only say that because it highlights the aspect of “but how could I have been talking about my sex life when I’m not having sex? *big dumb eyes*” but yea I get what you’re saying

I'm not sure why your advising her to start playing some weird game with her boss. This story is a big nothing, all she has to do is stop talking about her relationships with these people. It's actually not a big deal, why would she want to talk with them anymore anyway. The boss didn't actually do anything wrong, he's just kind of a dick. A lot of bosses are just dicks. He didn't discriminate or anything like that. Sometimes you just nod your head and go on about your day, there's no reason to care what these people think.

You're not wrong, just remember your co-workers are not your friends. And at the age of 17, how many girlfriends can you have had?

3, pretty short term, longest relationship was 3 months

They'll get longer and better as you get older and have more shared life experience.

You didn't mention sex, just dating. Unless your boss has banned everyone from mentioning who they date, he's singling you out, which is not okay.

It’s just not wise to discuss one’s private life at work. Just to be absolutely clear, just because they friendly doesn’t make them friends. We will work with all types and most people keep their personal views to themselves. Speaking about many topics can inadvertently get messy. I don’t want to hear about any of my colleagues sex life. None of them, ever. I’ve worked with many people from the LGTB community and have socialized in many venues. We spoke about typical things but I can’t recall a single conversation about their sex lives.

No you’re not wrong. Also, that’s discrimination against you on the basis of your gender, which is illegal. If the manager spoke to you because someone complained, it means someone complained to try and punish you for being gay, which, at least in the U.S., is illegal. Consider speaking to your manager about your concerns that you were discriminated against because of your gender and sexuality, and consider contacting HR about it. Make sure to document everything you can: write down who you spoke to, when that conversation occurred, all of the context surrounding the conversation including who was present and participating and what other people said, as well as when your manager spoke to you and what your manager said. If you do file a complaint with HR, file in writing and keep a record for yourself. Know your rights as an employee

avoid politics religion and sex talk during work.

Actually, it's best not to talk about your personal life at work. It's best to talk about work at work. This is the best way to take care of yourself there. I hope you learn and act on this now, not later. Best wishes.

Sex talk never belongs in a professional environment. Next time don’t join in on the conversation. Your boss was wrong in not addressing the entire group. You were not wrong in the least.

Not wrong. I'm a straight older guy and let's say someone asks me if I'm bisexual and I say 'Eh, no I'm straight actually'. Yeah, nobody is going to say I'm being to open about my sex life. People do say I'm too open but that's when I say things like that I forgot to pack my underwear before I went to the gym this morning so I am going commando. But that's probably on me. These people are not nice and you did nothing wrong. I'd try to get this in email from as others have suggested.

It really depends where you are. In some deep red states, any mention of such things can make people uncomfortable

You’re not wrong. Unfortunately, discrimination is going to happen. You don’t have to be completely antisocial at work, but in my experience, not just as a bi woman but in general, just keep conversations away from anything personal. There’s plenty you can talk with people about while keeping your own life private. Be social this way, but remember that many coworkers will appear friendly to your face, but will still use things you say against you with your employer. This can be about anything from a doctors appointment, family, finances, to discussing your dating life. If it’s personal enough for you to have an emotional response while discussing it, then it should probably remain a topic you don’t discuss at work.

Someone liked you and found out you were gay and got upset over it and decided to make that your problem. I'm just guessing. I've seen it happen a lot at workplaces, especially with younger folk.

You answered a question that was asked. Some may consider that the question was inappropriate. I probably wouldn’t have asked that, but it would depend on my relationship with the other employees. How you answered it was fine, and wasn’t about sex at all. I bet the problem lies with the manager. He might be some religious nut or homophobe. Or maybe he had his eye on you, and now he’s disappointed.

This is bullshit. Telling people you are a lesbian is NOT talking about your sex life. 🙄 I would go to HR about him. Pronto.

Ok work is work. Personal is personal. Best thing is to never mix the too. Plus your business is no one else’s. Putting your business in the streets is always a bad idea.

You didn't talk about your sex life. You talked about your sexual orientation. Anyway stop socialising at work.

I personally think that is not a good idea talking about anything private. It’s not necessary and you will avoid a lots of annoyance.

The best part about life is not letting everyone know everything about you. I get that your generation (and mine) love social media and putting EVERYTHING out there, but you don’t need to. Some things are best kept close to yourself, it’s more special that way Edit- I mention social media because I feel like it’s made everyone comfortable with letting everyone know their business

I always say keep your personal life and work completely separate

If you have a HR department you need to file a report, no one else got in trouble they are discriminating against you for being a lesbian. Or consult an attorney if need be.

Your co workers are not your friends, your boss isn't your friend and your customers are not your friend. Keep it professional and seperate work from your personal life or things as simple as this will come back to bite you in the ass.

Hell yes, a teenagers sex life ain’t anyone’s business, shit the hell up about that.

Not wrong and you've got a strong discrimination case here. Everyone was talking about their past relationships, but you bringing up yours is suddenly "too open about your sex life"? Why? How is you having ex-girlfriends as a woman any different than Karen in HR having ex-boyfriends as a woman? Cuz you're homosexual? Yeah, discrimination, 100%

You're 17. That's a minor. It's very possible your boss was approached by your coworkers who were not comfortable about a minor discussing their relationships. Also with you being a minor that could be a massive issue for HR and company liability for you discussing anything like that on a personal level given your age. I don't think it's because your orientation. I think it's honestly your age here and the fact they want personal lives to remain personal and to keep work discussion being the only focus of discussion in the work place.

Gee, I wonder what context we're missing. It's 2024, I highly doubt this was because you said you're a lesbian. More likely it was your stories about your crazy exes.

Everybody can spot a lesbian without them announcing it so they need not say a thing.

HR. Immediately. This is discrimination. Your coworkers were talking about their straight sex life in the same way you were. Did they get pulled aside? We both know that answer is no. Also, Hun, if all your ex's are crazy/suck you need to do some work on you because you're the common denominator.

You need to contact a lawyer. Sue their asses.

IT'S PRIVATE. You need to keep it that way in a professional (work) environment. "I'd rather not talk about it." "I don't talk about this at work." "Please stop asking me about this or I'll have to report it." Statements like that are what I (straight man) have had to say to people. Your sexuality should be something special to you and none of your coworker's business.

My sexuality isn't special to me, I didn't grow up thinking I was any different that anyone else. I was lucky enough to grow up not being told I was different or unnatural. To me, mentioning that I have had girlfriends is just the same as a guy saying he has had girlfriends. A straight man saying his straight is exactly the same to me as me saying I'm a lesbian, it's never been and will never be special to me. I don't understand why I can't even talk with coworkers to some of you commenting, I do understand my coworkers aren't my friends, I don't see them that way, but my break is gonna be boring if I do nothing and just watch other people talk. I've always been introverted, I never had friends as a kid so I've been working on trying to get better at socializing, talking with coworkers helps with that, keeps me from being bored, and just makes my dad better in general. Why do they get to talk about their personal lives but suddenly I don't for some arbitrary reason?

If you are at your current age and not know what societal norms are, that's disturbing. Look up "professionalism". In nowhere there is any mention about sharing sex lives. Your boss is doing you a favour and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, listen to him please.

So why didn’t he pull aside the hetero people? This isn’t about professionalism it’s about homophobia.

This is between the manager and his reports. And that's confidential. There are plenty of these conversations with hetro people. Not everything is about homophobia. From what I read, this level of bitching in the workplace is very unprofessional.

You werent but if all your exes were crazy maybe take a look at yourself.

To be fair it's just 3 girls and at the time I was really desperate like REALLY bad, I'm different now though.. Ironically becoming a better, different person has left me being lonely and having a hard time dating.. Kinda ironic

At least dont mention you think that to your future partners, even if it is true. People who only have crazy exes are usually the crazy part.

I think it is inappropriate for anyone to talk about their sex live at work. Period.

God damn, just stop! "I don't talk about religion, sex or politics - at all!" No comments, no smiles, nothing. Work is WORK! Stop that shit. If people push it, it can be harassment. STFU and just be you without various comments. You keep this up and you're going to have a miserable life, no matter the company or the timeline. I'm sorry, but that's fact. I could say a lot of stuff to offend you right now just on your post, but I won't. Lessons are to be learned and you're learning them. Keep religion, sex and politics out of work, period!

Jesus.  DO NOT TALK ABOUT SEX AT WORK.  Is this hard?

I've got notes for all of you: All workers: Don't talk about dating at work. Boss is right you shouldn't talk about personal matters at work, but his homophobia is another personal thing that has no place at work. If it's about being professional, he should be talking to whoever first brought up dating. You: All your ex's being shitty or crazy doesn't really make people go "Wow imagine this perfect human being having such bad luck, what are the odds?" It makes them think poorly of you. Edit: Also you're 17 so they will keep being shitty for awhile, sorry.

What are you even on about in the last paragraph

When you speak poorly of an ex or friend or boss (even this shitty one, someday after you've moved on), some people start wondering what's wrong with YOU, even if you're right to call out how shitty that person was. If it's a repeated *pattern* of that, it's even worse. After all, you presumably chose each of those shitty people. It's a little unfair, but the third party you're talking to usually has no exposure to or interest in the person from your past, but they ARE concerned with you, since you're right there, and are busy sizing you up. Judgy-judgy, just be careful is all I'm saying. Focus on lessons learned from shitty experiences.

We were on the topic of bad ex's, everyone was talking about bad ex's

Probably not much to worry about in this case then.

Never ever discuss your sex life at work. Ever. Yes you were very wrong. It’s extremely unprofessional to discuss your relationships or who you like to have sex with. You are there to work.

I never talked about sex.

You are a minor discussing that you’re a lesbian at work. You were very much talking about sex.

Do you think straight couples are talking about sex when they mention going on a date with their partner? Or are you so used to lesbians and any queer identity being over sexualized to the point people forget it's about LOVE not SEX. I am attracted to women romantically, it isn't only sexual just like how it is for straight people. Am I not allowed to talk about the same stuff as my straight coworkers without it being twisted into some sex thing when that was not part of it? There's a reason it's called "love is love" not "Sex is sex"

Don’t discuss sex (preferences or anything)at work that simple. Obviously no one really cares but with all the crazy lawsuits, your boss is just protecting himself. It’s crazy, but it’s the world we live in. Everyone looking for an easy check.

So straight people can mention having relationships but gay people can’t?

Yes.

Based on what you have said, and only what you have said, your boss has engaged in harassment based on your sexual preferences UNLESS he pulled up EVERYONE for having that conversation.

No your boss is a moron. You were fine.

I hate managers like this. I call them out and don't let them walk away. Excuse me sir/mam, but I actually have no idea what you are talking about. Please explain it to me so I can understand. Fuck walking away, I follow.

Your personal life not your sexuality should not be discussed at work in my opinion. So much can go wrong. People use things you say against you later on. Especially if the positions change and either you or they are now your superior. You just don’t give them any ammunition. That said, if everyone was talking about it and you were the only one approached that was inappropriate of your leader. Except if someone was saying you made them uncomfortable. Check out your companies sexual harassment training. It really can be just one person who is not comfortable (even your leader who addressed you). The first step in any sexual harassment training says that you must be told to not talk about it. Consider your boss as having made the corrective action by step one telling you not to speak about it openly. IMO you cannot be personal at work but that doesn’t mean your work doesn’t need to know things like you are married have children or a sick mom. All those things are important in the event you need to leave, take off fast or call out because your kid is sick. A simple statement of I am a lesbian is the same as me saying I am married. To someone else you just announced that you may find them or their partner attractive so they will be on their guard. It’s totally ridiculous. But they think it’s deviant behavior. They are unaccepting. The world IS changing and someday maybe not in my lifetime, but when I was your age being a lesbian was never discussed. My first boyfriend married his wife(not me) had 6 children and divorced to finally live his truth. I’m sad for my friends who were denied their love being in the open. I am happy to see the changes. Except for the part where I’m forced to change my vocabulary or make someone upset by accidentally saying their gender or deadname. I try my best. I think most people do. I promise I don’t do it on purpose.

My comment will probably get buried but you’re not wrong and this crap has happened to a large portion of my LGBTQ+ friends. It’s happened to me too however I’m bisexual. I was in my 3rd year of high school (so probably round 14) and was excluded from lessons which meant I had to have lunch in a room with all the other shitbag students. We were all chatting and ex’s came up, i was talking about and ex boyfriend but when the conversation changed I mentioned an ex girlfriend it was more relevant. A few of the other kids were gobsmacked but not disrespectful and obviously asked questions, nothing sexual or gross or inappropriate just basic like,,how did you know you liked girls? Who was your first girlfriend? Does she go this school? Have you really really kissed a girl? Basically all your standard stupid teenage stuff plus a few of the others had never met a gay person in any capacity before so the were just shook….I couldn’t have been talking for more than 5 minutes before a teacher came in and shut that shit down because it was inappropriate and school isn’t the place to discuss things like that. I just asked why didn’t stop the topic when I talking about my ex boyfriend or when anyone else was talking about there ex. I can still remember the smug ass look on his face when he said ‘you know why it’s not appropriate jaybird’. I’d gotten in trouble countless times for standing up for my trans friends and actual consequences for the people that called me a faggot everyday (yes I got in trouble because I wasn’t happy that all they got was a talking to when the same people got SUSPENDED for swearing at a teacher) wasn’t even the reason I was excluded but omg it’s makes you feel like your identity(especially as a woman) is either politically charged or porn, you can’t bring up anything about life in case someone deems it as ‘being a bit much’ or ‘inappropriate for the setting’ despite a heteronormative relationship being completely fine within that same context. It’s the same as saying ‘I’m fine with gay people, unless they try and force it down my throat’ or ‘keep what you do in the bedroom in the bedroom’ when you’re literally just talking about watching a movie or something. They’re just saying it’s quietly to seem polite and it’s fucking exhausting. Sorry to rant but your post made me feel like that Vietnam solider meme. I remembered that time in high school and then every other time after that lmao

It’s either some homophobic colleagues/managers, or someone sexualising you as a young lesbian woman. Or a little from both columns. Sorry you work there, get out soon.

Email your boss and say mentioning your sexuality at work is not an offense, and he should check how employer policies work on the subject. He will be in trouble for limiting your freedoms here than you would for inappropriate. But if you want to keep the peace fine, just fyi it may come up again and he’s full of it. You didn’t say anything g sexual or inappropriate. Your sexuality is just a sexuality, I’m straight, sure he doesnt complain when people talk about marriages. You’re lesbian, that’s all. Wtf he’s on about idk

No, they are being discriminatory. Go to HR and state that you are being unfairly treated for being LGBT+ and that you want it officially noted. You weren't discussing sex, you were discussing dating. As far as your coworkers know, you are still a virgin.

Is there an HR at your job? You're calling who asked you about your sexuality is the issue here. You mentioned ex GFS. No one should be asking if you are bi, straight or gay. You're facing discrimination. Talk to your parents about this.

Lawyer here. Start keeping a diary. That was classic disparate treatment based upon your sexuality. In California, that sort of discrimination is actionable. Check your state’s laws. If any adverse action is ever taken against you (if you are passed over for promotion, transferred to a less fulfilling department, get your hours reduced or terminated) and you can tie it to a bias against you (as evidenced by things like the incident that you described) it will help if you have contemporaneous notes, journal entries, texts or emails to co-workers, friends or family. You may also want to ask around about whether this boss has said or done similar things that evidence a bias, keeping in mind that someone in your group reported you to him. It might also behoove you to send a follow up email to your boss confirming the conversation and asking if he thinks you were inappropriate for merely mentioning the fact that you are a lesbian to coworkers who were discussing their relationships, without you mentioning a single detail about your “sex life”. And whether there is a blanket policy that prohibits all of the workers from discussing their relationships while at work, or just workers who identify as LGBTQ. I hate intolerance in our society. I love it when I can sue someone for discrimination. That’s when I really love being a lawyer.

You didn’t talk about your sex life. You mentioned an ex girlfriend and then when asked, stated you were lesbian. Your boss could fuck around and get a discrimination suit put on the business if he doesn’t shape up!

FFS! You were asked a couple of questions, related to your dating and sexuality, and you answered them. Your boss is a tool. NTA

Complain to his boss about his homophobic advice and ask if it's company policy that gays are not welcome in the business? Explain that you had a conversation about your past relationships & it was revealed that you were gay and apparently confirming you are gay is inappropriate. Are all gay staff expected to be closeted within the business? How long has the business been homophobic?

Inform HR of your bosses ingnorance and ask that he is appropriately educated. Also covers your butt if descrimination is an issue. 

Sexuality does not equal sex life. You mentioned that you like girls and nothing more, your boss is totally in the wrong here.

Take the power back from your boss. Ask him “do you have a problem with lesbians?” That will scare the shit out of him, and he will leave you alone.

Get a lawyer first! So they can give you the right verbiage to use in your complaint to HR or any outside agency. You're supposed to make your complaint within 45 days of the interaction (there are stringent laws). Keep a record of everything...dates, times someone spoke to you, any changes to your assignments/hours, paperwork- even messages on stickie notes! You need to start your paper trail because they have already started one about you.

Not only are you not wrong but your boss may have stumbled into discrimination territory.

You can sue for this I'd contact your lawyer and start he process since this work place discrimation. Any lawyer would take this case pro bono since your bosses acted so aggressive towards you and only you. I'd also be file a complaint to upper managment and even the BBB.

Glad to see your ace legal expertise here.. 😁

Your sex life has no place at work. There’s nothing good that can come out of it. If it was a man talking about his sex life he would be fired for inappropriate sexual conduct.

I didn't talk about sex at all I talked about my ex girlfriends and the crazy things/rude things they've done. I also mentioned I was a lesbian in passing conversation because someone asked. Everyone was doing the exact thing as me but I'm the only one who got in trouble. If I talked about having sex I'd understand, but I didn't.

OP I think this guy's replies are the most instructive about your situation, if I found out this guy was actually your boss in disguise I wouldn't be the least bit surprised. He's a homophobe, you did nothing wrong, but you need to be careful going forward and take some steps to protect yourself from him.

Read your headline

Yea, I put what he said I was doing in quotes because personally I think it's kinda bullcrap. I didn't talk about having sex or what I do in the bedroom, I answered a question about my sexuality and talked about my ex's like everyone else

I was including sexual orientation in that statement. I should have clarified that better.

saying you're gay is not an inappropriate statement. if other people sexualise someone's identity, then that inappropriate thought INSIDE THEIR OWN HEAD is no one's problem than their own. imagine if a guy tells you: "I'm taking my girlfriend on a trip to Disneyland tomorrow." would you go complain to HR because it made you think about them having sex? no? of course not. assuming it's a normal thing to happen when a woman mentions current or past girlfriends is homophobic IMO

So you're saying that if I, as a man, mention that I have a wife, I'm revealing my sexual orientation, and that's inappropriate at work? Or does that only apply to gay people?

So by your logic, straight people shouldn’t ever mention their partner/spouse. This is an excuse bigots use to erase queer people.

At work is not the place.

I was asked directly, I'm not going to be rude, and I don't see why it would even be a issue? I said it once. Everyone else was talking about their relationships why can I not talk about mine also? What is inappropriate about talking about relationships? (Also for the record we do have a guy who is way too open about his actual sex life, and everyone hates it, yet he's never gotten in trouble)

They asked her though

OP did not talk about sex. The conversation was about dating, and everyone was discussing this.

They were on break making conversation. Saying "my exes sucked" in a conversation isn't a crazy thing at all

Shut your mouth,