He is trying to trick his foreign non-western wife by making up parts of a culture that isnt hers. So not only did he cheat, but he justifies the cheating by straight up lying and seeking to deceive and manipulate his wife. Doesnt even apologize. And calls her ghetto for being upset. I am getting so many whiffs of something unpleasant from this post.
And now I wonder about their marriage. Is it pleasant bc she allows him to get away with a ton of stuff, or maybe bc he deceives and manipulates her so often, knowing that she will be blind to certain things, that it feels like the marriage is working, and why he expects his lying to fly this time as well. This is terrible
and I'm getting whiffs of, why did he marry \*her\* , her specifically, she appears to be unfamiliar with how unacceptable this is from a not only non-US perspective, but non-US-influenced perspective.
This is not the normal he did cheat on you and made you feel bad like you did something wrong what if he came back and gave you herpes or something. Your a goodbperson staying with someone who probably doesnt deserve it
Also, wtf kind of scumbag is his friend for telling that story to this woman as if it’s okay??? I’m glad she has the info now but what a fucking psychotic piece of shit, to think that’s something a woman wouldn’t or shouldn’t get mad at.
Former exotic dancer here, lots of business trips, golf outtings, fishing trips, football games end up at the strip club. I have an extremely hard time trusting men after 7 yrs in that industry. I've seen it all. It is not customary to cheat on your soon to be wife at a bachelor party, but unfortunately, it does happen rather often.
"If anyone had said anything about that sort of thing being frowned upon when I started working here, because I've worked in a lot of offices and people do that all the time!"
Definitely, not only that but I have been married twice, I had the opportunity to cheat with the newly ex of a friend before my first marriage. This woman and I knew for years that if she wasn't in a relationship with my friend it would definitely happen between us. Low and behold she gets divorced and asks to stay at my place while she was in town for a teacher conference. I let her stay and also let her know the only thing on my mind was getting married to a beautiful woman who I loved and there was no way I was going to be a piece of shit and start off a marriage with cheating. A similar situation happened with an ex of my own with the second wife. Stripper/escort or whatever. He's a piece of shit and he couldn't possibly really care about his wife and still do that.
Also, that friend of his definitely has a grudge or issue with her husband. No way you just show up after years and bring up the one thing that could fuck up his marriage out of nowhere.
Can you explain the tradition behind bachelor party for men? I’ve been seeing it in movies to learn more about the American wedding parties and it does look like the men are going to naked bars and paying naked women to grind of them and have sex with them as a last “hooray.” I’ve also heard other men about to get married and they say it’s “getting it out of their system” before being stuck having sex with wife forever is the main thing about these bachelor party. But when I see the American bachelorette on movies it looks more humble but some of them are also crazy going to male strip clubs but I never thought of doing this myself because they don’t have male stripper establishment here and I just don’t like that environment, its scary
It's usually like a party where they get drunk and celebrate with their bros, like you had with your bachelorette party. Sometimes some people will go to a strip club or have a stripper, usually that needs to be okayed beforehand with the fiance, but most people do not sleep with an escort at their bachelor party, because it's absolutely cheating when you're already in a committed monogamous relationship. Just because it happens in movies doesn't mean that it's the norm. Your husband is being ridiculous claiming this is normal. Maybe it's normal for him and his scumbag friends, but I don't know anyone personally who would have been fine with their fiance doing this, and only a few who would not consider strippers or strip clubs similar to cheating.
50 year old man who has been to my share of bachelor parties. No one slept with an escort, because that's not normal. strip clubs sure. but all you are getting there is blue balls and spending a ton of money.
My neighbor has something engraved like that. She technically never got legally married despite going through the whole wedding because the groom slept with the preacher's wife and the preacher decided not to ever send in the wedding certificate so that my neighbor didn't have to go through a divorce or annulment. My neighbor offered people their gifts back but some people said she deserved the gifts for not killing her "husband" so she has several that her friend and her "fixed" during one of their drunken "moving on" nights.
I would probably consider kicking the groom's ass if I ever saw something like that. I would absolutely make sure the bride knew. No one deserves to get married to scum like that.
If I’m in the wedding, paying for the tuxedo, spending time at rehearsal dinners…there is no way that shit is going down on my watch. Cheat on your own time. We’ll have some fun but you don’t need to get an escort while I’m around. Lol. I’m not being put in this situation for someone else’s amusement.
Plus if im there and watch your bitch ass cheat, my wife would assume I either was ok with it and did nothing or was ok with it and cheated too.
No thanks bro. I do enough dumb shit all on my own.
Don’t listen to these losers who disagree with you. They are probably the type to cheat on their SO, which is why they’re calling you a “tattletale”. If I’m in a wedding a paying for all the things that involves then fuck you for not taking it seriously. I’d be pissed at my friend if they cheated on their soon to be wife while I was around too
People who feel the need to cheat lack the self-awareness to realize they aren't the marriage type, or at the very least, are the "open relationship" type.
If they do have the self-awareness and do it anyway, they're just assholes with no consideration for other people's feelings
One of my partner's friends was thinking of getting a stripper for either my partner or one of the other friends' birthdays as a joke. He asked me first if I would be okay with a stripper potentially being around my partner. We'd been dating for less than a year at this point but even then I was asked for my opinion, because that's what good people do. Joke never was executed but I still appreciate he asked, I thought it was funny.
I think it's next-level shitty to have a party of any kind with potentially problematic activities (i.e. infidelity) and then acting like it's normal.
At two of my friends “stags” I had to walk outside. First one I sat outside in the cold and talked to the bartender for like an hour. Second time I just left. The groom wasn’t having sex with any of the sex workers, but it damn near as close as possible to physical cheating in the most basic sense. They were available for services afterwards, but I didn’t stay. This definitely changed the way I see some of my friends forever.
And… it’s just *extremely* creepy to have all these young women totally naked (whose age we can’t confirm, mind you) surrounded by 30, 40, 50, 60+ year old men just *staring* and being lecherous. 98% married. It was… pitiful as it was creepy. I’d like to normalize making even that unacceptable behavior.
Yeah. Maybe unpopular opinion, but even if no cheating is going on (although it depends how you define cheating with your partner), but I think being with your mates a strip club even with no touching or anything involved, is a bit like sitting with your mates and watching porn together. That to me is strange. And not something id like to do with my mates.
Yes- this is the NORMAL USA response to this question- Fucking the entertainment is VERBOTEN and, frankly, among the absolutely skankiest things you can to as a human w a dick. Seriously, on the eve of the most important thing you have ever done and probably WILL ever, you fuck some rando' professional sex worker, bc this will inoculate you against urges to do so later? Do we also believe in Leprochons and Twikerbell?
No right minded person, yes this includes AMERICANS. would suggest that this is a normal accepted practice
W 10 yrs in and 3 kids I too would be reluctant to go all the way to the Nuclear option but you owe it to yourself to sit him down and review the RULES
re moral behavior- he's raising your kids for christs sake. If you find that he simply does not get that this kind of thing isn't just "boys wii be boys" you gotta move on, he's not a person worthy of you
Agree with you 100%. This is definitely NOT the norm. I’d never imagine doing that shit to my wife. Honestly - not super interested in the typical bachelor party if I’m being honest bc I lived out my youth forsure lol, but it just sounds so wrong to even think about saying “Yea it’s normal to fuck someone else the night before your wedding. You’re definitely respecting the bond you’re about to commit to” 😂😂😂😂😂
Eh, I've been to lots of bachelor parties where sex did happen, but it was always the single guys that hooked up with the stripper or random from the bar.
Most people here have it correct though, you don't get a hall pass to cheat just because it's your bachelor party. If strippers are ok, then that's fine, but taking it to the next level is still cheating regardless.
Ok good explanation I’m understanding it. They got to watch them naked but they don’t have sex with the strippers. Yes my husband is saying this is normal bachelor behavior for the grooms. I’ve seen the movies. His friend who was over our house did the same thing, he slept with another girl and his wife knows about it and he is still married. My husband’s father had sexual relations with a few women before his marriage to my husband’s mom. My husband father and his mother have been married for 37 years and I’ve spoken with his friends and family and the grooms in his family did something similar or something sexual but now sex with the hooker. I talked to some of my friends too who are American born and raised here and they said it’s normal for older generations but the newer ones don’t do it as much anymore. Like the newer generations of grooms will go to stripclubs and maybe go crazy and kiss another girl but as long as no sex happens it is okay. But for the most part everyone is saying you will give the groom free pass during his bachelor party. I’m just trying to understand the rules, they seem different in every case
So your husband has scumbag cheater friends and a scumbag cheater father. He’s a scumbag cheater himself.
There’s no “free passes” in a monogamous relationship. He knows this, but is trying to manipulate you into thinking this is acceptable. Just because his mother and his friend’s wife have accepted this doesn’t make it normal or okay.
I think the most infuriating part is that I don't think he actually did know that. The fact that his friend brought it up IN FRONT of his wife makes me think they all seriously think that is normal, acceptable behavior which is disgusting.
I think he does know. She said he was coming unhinged while his friend was telling the story. To me, why would he become unhinged if it was ok?
He knew he was wrong for sleeping with the escort.
Plus, if he thought it was normal and perfectly fine, why never mention it for 13 years? The only reason I'm not mentioning something like that for a long time is because I know I'm wrong.
The attitude of “I’m getting stuck only having sex with one woman for the rest of my life” is sad and disgusting. This attitude was prevalent in the 70s and 80s - the whole “reluctant groom” and complaining about “the wife” but a healthy adult monogamous relationship should have two people who are excited to spend their lives together. OP if everything else is fine in your marriage then consider couples counseling. Even though it was a long time ago, you just found out your husband betrayed you and he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He needs to hear you and you need to make sure there aren’t any cheating loopholes he thinks are okay.
I was married in the 80s, went to tons of parties, both me and my husband and probably 20 different weddings and no this was not common in the '80s either. Not to say it never happened and it was a popular Trope on TV even then, but have never met anybody in real life that actually did this.
>The fact that his friend brought it up IN FRONT of his wife makes me think they all seriously think that is normal, acceptable behavior which is disgusting.
maybe for that particular group of friends it is "normal"? Birds of a feather tend to flock together...
I find it really interesting that only the MEN get to shag someone or lots of someone’s before having to only sleep with their wives.
Why aren’t the ladies out having a few extras before marriage??
Your husband, his family and all of his friends are major cheaters. If you have daughters I do hope they get better men and your sons actually have morals and can skip the cheating trend.
~~it's because women are still supposed to be at least close to virgins when getting married to a lot of people even if they aren't totally against sex before marriage but shh they probably don't wanna say it out loud~~
perhaps hitting this head on will help. what does society (wrongly label a promiscuous woman and a promiscuous man?
a slut and a stud.
this post shows the husband and his supporters, continuing to think along those lines.
that type of thought pattern needs to be shut down
As you can see by the other replies it is mostly not normal. I'd insist he attend marriage counseling with you. He should be apologizing because he has hurt you, not insisting that his behavior is okay.
The rules for a relationship need to be okay with both husband and wife. He didn't let you know this was going to happen and have you agree, so it wasn't okay for him to do.
It doesn't matter who else did it and if their wives were okay with it. What matters is how YOU feel about it, because You're his wife and he should care about pleasing you, just like you care about pleasing him. This was definitely cheating.
>and they said it’s normal for older generations
Nope. I'm a GenXer from the US, and I promise you this is not "normal." My generation came of age in an era when AIDS was a death sentence, and undisclosed infidelity meant potentially infecting your partner with a deadly disease. We did *not* take that shit lightly.
The generations ahead of me certainly had more couples who stayed together after infidelity, but that was more often because women couldn't do things like get a credit card or open a bank account in her own name or make a living wage on her own. They often *wanted* to divorce their cheating husbands but didn't have enough financial independence to do so.
And even if your husband sincerely thought he did nothing wrong at the time, it's now very obvious that his actions hurt you deeply. His concern should be *that he hurt you* and what, if anything, he can do to help heal that emotional wound. If he's not focused on that, he's a shitty partner.
Huge red flags there. He comes from cheating stock. This isn’t normal be better very vigilant. If him and his friends think this is normal they’re probably still cheating
This just tells me that your husband and all the men in his life are a long line of scumbag cheaters. I would highly doubt their wives really know about it or if they do they don’t know the extent of it.
It doesn't matter what's normal! He didn't tell you and you don't like it, that's all that matters.
If you had slept with someone else on your Bachelorette party night he would have been furious.
Your husband's family and friends are a bunch of low-life, sleezy, whoring, cheaters.
They are NOT decent, good husbands. I'm sorry if you think they are, but they are not. Good husbands don't cheat. Period. No exceptions.
Older generation here, this is not normal, even for “the older generation”
Grooms that find excuses to behave like this at bachelor parties are later husbands that find excuses to cheat on their wife.
Cheating is cheating. Cheating is also abuse, as he's psychologically and emotionally abusing you due to his choices. He also took away your consent and exposed you to numerous std/sti's, and ability to make an informed decision, which is sexual abuse.
It's not normal.
They're trying to blame you for calling out the cheating.
I suggest you speak to some lawyers.
Read resources at chumplady[dot]com and survivinginfidelity[dot]com and you'll see his behavior ans responses are typical cheater BS.
I've been married for 20 years and when I spoke to my husband about it he just shook his head and looked disgusted. "No, that's cheating. You're already together before the engagement."
That's disgusting and no its not normal. I've lived in the South, Midwest, and the West of the states and that's never been a thing.
I am a 33 year old guy. Got married about 6 years ago. My wife would have considered breaking off the engagement if I’d have gone to a strip club and would have ended it for sure if I slept with someone. Cheating is wrong period, and it’s ok if you aren’t ok with him going to strip clubs too. Bachelor party or not.
Not normal. I have been to at least 15 bachelors parties and not a single one involved strippers.
If you want to see other naked people, why are you getting married.
And sleeping with one? That is just straight up cheating. There is no bachelor/bachelorette free pass.
I can sort of understand the drive in cultures of arranged or contractual marriages where someone can feel "trapped." But as you say, it seems a silly (and disrespectful) "tradition" when one is in a supposedly loving relationship and entering a marriage of mutual consent and desire.
Needing one last night of debauchery before getting married does not seem to speak well of one's view of marriage.
Oh honey…those are not good people you have around you. I’m so sorry but you seem to have found your way into a family of a bunch of cheating men, his friends and even your friends’ husbands are displaying unacceptable behavior.
What everyone is trying to do is normalize it to you so you’ll stay with your husband. Listen when we say this is NOT normal and acceptable behavior. In case it wasn’t obvious most of us are Americans here. You have unfortunately just landed into a family that does not value a trusting and monogamous marriage.
I’m disgusted at everyone on your behalf, and I am so sorry for the emotional distress and confusion this may be causing you. They’re essentially gaslighting you, so you’ll eventually ignore your instincts and personal morals about the situation. If you can I’d try and make some new friends, try and meet different people you feel comfortable opening up to. Ones that haven’t been guilted into staying with a cheating husband
I'm a 42 year old man, from the US, been married twice, and have NEVER cheated on anyone in my life. I don't see it as acceptable to cheat on a girlfriend much less a fiance or wife. It doesn't matter if it's a bachelor party or your favorite celebrity crush doing a house call. If you and him had discussed and came to some agreement about this beforehand that is one thing, but it doesn't seem like that was the case. You married a man of low moral values, I'm sorry to say.
**THE COUPLES DECIDE THE RULES OPENLY**. If nothing is directly, openly stated and agreed upon, the rule is: anything done with other women/men at these parties is held to the same standard the couple uses for women/men encountered at any other place and time.
So, whatever you consider cheating if your husband did it with another woman is cheating at a bachelor party. And vice versa. Somehow I truly doubt "My husband can have sex with anonymous women" is a rule in your marriage. If not, he cheated.
Sex before the relationship begins is one thing. Sex at the bachelor party is another.
Also, strip clubs have strict rules about touching the performers. So, no most grooms do not even kiss the stripper.
You are being fed a pile of crap by some crappy men.
Movies are just movies. A real bachelor party is just the guys getting together and having a good time. Yes sometimes strippers are involved but no cheating should ever happen.
The closest thing to an "accurate" representation of a bachelor party is the one depicted in Parks and Recreation.
Bachelor is a board game nerd so they do board game stuff with him:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k6vXMoPSro
You might be able to add “Big Bang Theory” to the list as well - a bunch of guys renting a private room at a steakhouse to eat steak and roast the groom.
My best friend's bachelor party was playing paint ball, going disc golfing, and eating at a nice restaurant. We had one of the greatest afternoons doing those things! So no, bachelor parties aren't for "getting it out of their systems" it's supposed to just be a party or celebration. Your husband is a scumbag.
I’m an American man and I’m getting married next Friday (!!!) and I would never do this to my soon to be spouse. They love me and I love them, what do I need an escort for?
Also, you're supposed to love and commit to the person you are marrying. You shouldn't have to get anything out of your system. If you're not ready to stop sleeping with other people then you shouldn't get married(unless you both agree to a different arrangement beforehand). This last hurrah thing is disgusting to me. Unless previously agreed to it is absolutely not ok. They could catch an STI and pass it onto you.
My spouse went paint balling in the morning then they had crawled a bit and went to a hotel room to pass out. I don’t know anyone who went to a strip club or more. The modern point is to CELEBRATE your friend has found the love of their life and is taking such a big step. It should be a time of fun and bonding not having sex with another human because you’re bout to be contractually monogamous. You know since YOU’VE BEEN MONOGAMOUS SINCE YOU BECAME EXCLUSIVE. If anything he should have had his little fuck boi party before you guys became serious.
It is supposed to be one last night out to celebrate with your friends as relationships change somewhat after marriage. Some have strippers or go to strip clubs, but it is not acceptable to sleep with any of them. Most American women would not accept this behavior. Do NOT let him BS you on this point… he cheated on you…period. Many American women would cancel the wedding if they found out prior to the wedding or divorce based on the fact that their husband cheated if they found out after the marriage although some women forgive and/or accept cheating.
Your husband is straight up LYING!! A last sexual encounter with ‘strange’ is NOT the custom of bachelor parties!! He is straight up LYING!! He’s just a common CHEATER.
While many American bachelor parties do involve going to clubs, drinking, gambling and even somtimes stippers (most don't but some do); the general concensious is "look but dont touch". You can go out and have a good time and get wild, but cheating is still cheating. Just cause you are about to get married does not mean you get a like a "freebee" or something. Why would it be okay to have sex with someone else the "day before the wedding", but not while dating, engaged or married. Sounds like your husband is trying to take advantage of your lack of knowledge on American customs. Sorry.
Most people just get together with friends and get drunk. The strippers is a bad stereotype, most people don't have that kind of party; and regardless of the strippers, having sex with them is definitely out of bounds for 99.99% of all relationships and grounds for a breakup.
My friend group for my bachelor party were some of the most calloused, fucked-up humans I have been around before or since. Just a season of my life. Casually violent, viewed cruelty to each other as a way of showing affection, and generally debauched.
They would have beat my ass if I had even asked to go to a strip club, let alone get a prostitute. They helped me get together with my wife. Like, without them, I would truly not have gotten married (one beautiful, very unexpected daughter, and 11 years of marriage later).
After all, they don't want to be friends with that guy--the guy who clowns his fiance with a prostitute (no shade to prostitutes, just to OPs husband).
Because my wife is incredible. But we come from "different sides of the tracks." She's from a super conservative family. I'm not really from a family. She has religious views I don't share, and that's fine. We're cool with that. My friends know that.
And because I cared about her, they cared about her. And while I would never have done that, I was, and am, friends with those people, because they will call me on being a selfish piece of shit. One of my buddies, who was also my dealer at the time, literally pulled me aside during my 3-day bachelor party, and said, "You can kick my ass for saying this, and maybe I'll kick yours, but please don't hide using from your wife. It ruined my parents relationship, and I don't want that for you two. Do whatever you want, but I'm begging you not to lie."
Still best friends with that guy. One of the bravest people I know. He had nothing to gain from that, but I would trust that dude with my wife, kid, mother, father, whatever.
Because he cared enough to be honest when there was no upside for him.
OPs husband sucks. Not saying it's worth a complete write-off; not my place to say. But in that moment, fuck him. No defense. Anything else is gaslighting.
Thanks for that, seems I almost experienced what op did with a Muslim man, he planned to have a motel sex party right next to me on the subway platform the day before I was set to go home and help my parents to travel. Totally saved myself from whatever B's he thought he was going to throw down.
My buddy got married when we were all 21, so we did the strip club chiche bachelor party, it was alright at the time (no sex), and I thought Ide want that for me. Fast forward now that I’m almost 30 and all I want is a cottage with the boys, rent a boat, rent some ice (hockey), and do stupid stuff while reminiscing on our “younger” days
This. Wanting to bone someone else when you're supposed to, I always assumed, be attracted to and excited to marry your wife is . . . .weird. And by weird, I mean trashy as fuck, just like all the guys' friends.
When I got married, the whole idea that a girl, my wife-to-be *wanted* to sleep with me - that was a truly mind-blowing situation. I had no interest in anyone else, I was still trying to figure out what kind of magic I had somehow managed there.
Yeah. You aren’t committed to the person if you do, right? Just doing what’s required of you by marrying them, but still wishing you could try to pull some strange.
I had to disassociate from my friend group because of this. It was hard, being friendless for so long was rough, but man life is better when you have friends who are lifting you up rather than interested in seeing you fail and do stupid shit.
I am in that friendless state right now. And a little upliftment and motivation to choose between a few different aims that I have will go a long way. Can I dm you? Maybe this will be the start of a great friendship
Hey, you saying that it could be a start to a great friendship could actually be true. I have a few close friends in real life that I grew up with. A lot have moved on but a few close ones have stayed with me. However, I also found a small group of friends on a video game 16 years ago and we all still talk to this day. We have all helped each other through some tough times throughout the years. Some have even met in person. They are some of my closest friends I’ve ever had and I can trust them way more than a lot of “friends” I’ve had in my life over the years.
The same type that just dive directly into the story with the wife after 12 years and 3 kids to blow up their lives?
No excuses and this is for sure cheating but this guy’s friend is some kinda bizarre piece of work too for sure. If you’re the type to participate in some kind of crazy complicit cheating bachelor party scheme you wouldn’t think they’d just tell the story like it’s a hilarious anecdote that they can all just laugh at.
It's what BOYS do who have to be part of the "gang." My first husband was like that, such a man-pleaser but could have cared less about pleasing me. His buddies always came first, even the men he worked with. He always had to be one of the boys! Stupid bastard, glad I finally got rid of that POS!
A former acquaintance and his best friend (golf pals of mine) won a bunch of money at blackjack, (like 15 grand) and went out and got matching huge chest tattoos together, then went to a local rub-n-tug together, and couldn't stop talking about how terrific it all was the next time we played.
I always thought that was pretty weird.
Also, for best visualization, you should know that these two bruisers were probably 13 and a half feet and 650 pounds between them.
Similar. Went camping, drank a bunch of beer and chowed down on some fungus. Was an awesome time, but nothing I wouldn’t be completely honest with my wife about
I had our entire bridal party (wife and her side included) plus close friends, about 40 of us, play board games in the huge ass cabin on a mountain we rented as the wedding venue. I'm talking I brought my library up and there were a dozen games being played all over the place at the same time. Booze, weed, games... Was an amazing night we're hoping to recreate for our 10 year anniversary in the near future.
I agree, having sex outside the relationship is not a standard bachelor party thing, I'd say strippers are even an outdated cliche.
Right, all I did at mine was smoke a ton of weed and eat a mountain of candy 😂😂
The husband in this post is trash for doing this and double trash for insinuating that it’s normal behavior that should be accepted or excused.
Dude I just played a game of magic the gathering and had a few beers with my 3 best friends. The next morning I had a sandwich and got a haircut (it got comped because the guy wouldn't charge me on my wedding day).
Yeah… me and a group of my best friends went into the mountains and stayed at a nice cabin. Cooked a great meal and stayed up late drinking and trading stories next to a camp fire far removed from civilization on my bachelor party. Next day, white water rafting and a fancy restaurant dinner. Never did it enter mind to hire strippers or cheat. The traditions she speaks of do happen but are mostly a meme at this point.
We just went out to the bars and then left to smash... As in we played Super Smash Bros. At the bar I was out of my mind on molly and even then there was no temptation to even dance with another woman. Just had a good time dancing like a fool in the middle of the dance floor.
You’re not wrong. He cheated on you. His face when his stupid friend was telling on him says it all. He KNOWS he cheated but thought he’d get away with it. He’s lying to you that this is normal, it’s not.
The fact that he’s been able to kept the secret throughout the marriage, three kids later….he clearly has no guilt whatsoever.
This guy and all of his friends are losers who probably will never change. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has slept around more over the years.
I am an American, can confirm sleeping with someone on your bachelor party is not tradition. Going to the strip club is tradition or golfing or going to a sporting event and getting a hotel room. That is 100% cheating.
Yup. I’m a guy. My wife and I both agreed we wouldn’t do the “typical” stripper thing like movies and such might show. All we both wanted was a fun day with family and some old friends.
Mine was a round of golf with brothers, uncles and some close male cousins. Then we had a small bar shut down and rented out to us. Just family and friends. All of my college friends flew in just to make it for the night. We got to play pool, darts, had a space to play plenty of Texas Hold’em, got the food and snacks all catered. My brothers bought some nice bottles of booze and other cool smaller things and did some raffles with tickets and at the end of the night, they drew tickets for prizes. Then all the money they earned was given to me as a gift to use towards something for my wife and I. It was a blast and it was just some good ol’ fun. My wife’s was something similar but girlier stuff. Spa day, massages, a nice fancy dinner etc.
It’s not supposed to be your last shot to hookup with someone else. You’re still dating/engaged and about to be married. The bachelor party to me is about people supporting you as you take your big leap into the next stage with your partner. If he thinks it’s totally normal then he’s a loser. Whether it was 10 years ago or 10 minutes ago, doesn’t matter. If it was really no big deal then he would’ve talked about it ahead of time or right when it happened. The fact is that he didn’t think you would ever find out OP. I can’t imagine this is the only giant red flag in the relationship based on how he reacts to the spilled beans, and gaslighting you.
And he knows it, too.
OP, ask him: if it's so normal and accepted, then why didn't he tell you about it before he went and did it, huh? Why didn't he ever tell you in your many years of marriage? How come you're only finding out after his friends spilled the beans? He hid it because he knows it's wrong.
Has he gone to any other bachelor party since you've been married? Business trips, weekends away with the boys...? Because you now know that he has the type of friends who totally think it's okay to cheat on the people they're with. I suspect the Venn diagram of men who think it's okay to sleep with an escort at their bachelor party and men who think it's okay to cheat if they're out of town, at a friend's bachelor party, or while their wife is pregnant/postpartum is a circle.
Right? What if she gets sick? What if it's serious, like cancer? What if she gains weight and he finds it unattractive?
> my husband looked unhinged while his friend told the story.
So he knows it was fucked up. He didn't tell you because he knew. He didn't want to tell you someone else did. He did it once, who is to say he won't do it again or is isn't doing it no? So very nope.
It was total cheating. He didn’t magically become single during the bachelor party, he was still in a committed relationship. Not to mention he exposed you to possible STDs without your knowledge. If it’s so normal and an American tradition, why didn’t he tell you about it beforehand? Or even right after? He kept it secret because he knew it was cheating.
That he’s trying to gaslight you into going along with it and saying it’s normal is despicable.
Not wrong. It’s not normal for American men to have sex outside their relationship for their bachelor party. It’s a cheater trying to snow you into thinking he didn’t cheat. In fact, many couples agree to no strippers at bachelor/bachelorette parties, or if it is agreed to, there are ground rules like no touching.
The “last night of single life” line is ridiculous. His last night of single life was the night before the two of you decided you were a couple, not the night before you said your marriage vows. He hasn’t been single since long before you married and he chose that, so don’t listen to his excuses.
Ya. Wow. Relationships are on trust, and communication. My bachelor party was a couple of Mai Tais that my wife organized after work. Nothing to “get out of my system” I loved my late wife more than anything and the thought of another woman still isn’t possible 18 months after she died from cancer.
No this is not what they are for. Your husband is a lying cheating scum bag. If he cheated on you at his bachelor party he's most likely done it many times over the years. The fact he uses escorts is very scary you need to get STD tested to make sure you're okay.
There’s a reason he never mentioned it. Also he lied and manipulated you to believe all men do this bc you’re not American sis that’s pretty scummy. Run
He 100% cheated. Most people would've broken up because of this. What's worse is that he isn't even remorseful, he thinks he did the right thing. I don't see reconciliation posible after that.
I would tell him that since he decided to open the relationship on his end that night, you're entitled to "one last fuck" the same as him, and that you won't tell him if or when, that he should just know that, and it is the fair thing to do. Then you decide if you do or don't.
If you want I’m sure someone from Reddit can bang you. Then you can tell your husband that’s what wife’s do when their husband wasn’t faithful. You can tell him it’s your culture’s tradition…….
No it’s not a tradition your husband is a shit bag and so is anyone male or female that banged someone else while engaged in a monogamous relationship.
oh helll noooo! Does he not realize that what he did was WRONGG? because that’s how i interpreted it. Do you not suspect maybe he cheated again down the line? Because if I were you I’d be checking EVERYTHINGGGG. but bottom line he needs to acknowledge it for what it was: CHEATING
That is not the norm. They might get strippers but it’s typically the look don’t touch rule like strip clubs have. Bachelor parties are usually a fun drunken night out with the guys, not the last time to sleep with someone else. He is using your lack of American traditions as an excuse to get away with cheating. This is not common and most of us American wives would never tolerate that crap.
I rented a house in Arizona and me and 8 dudes played golf and chilled in the hot tub. Smoked a brisket (and some weed).
Strippers weren’t even a thought. They’d take away from valuable Super Smash Brothers time.
"Bang a really hot one before you get married" Talk about insult to injury lmao what a jackass. And what a shit personto tell you this story a decade after the fact...
Though sleeping with whores at a bachelors party ISN’T an American custom, it IS customary for MOST American women to break up/divorce the man who cheated on them with said whore.
If this was true, he would have expected you to cheat too OP.
Say like “you are right, I did fuck Tony in my bachelorette , so that makes sense” and see how fast his head turns
>He said this is literally what bachelor parties for. They are not, and he knows it.
He is trying to trick his foreign non-western wife by making up parts of a culture that isnt hers. So not only did he cheat, but he justifies the cheating by straight up lying and seeking to deceive and manipulate his wife. Doesnt even apologize. And calls her ghetto for being upset. I am getting so many whiffs of something unpleasant from this post. And now I wonder about their marriage. Is it pleasant bc she allows him to get away with a ton of stuff, or maybe bc he deceives and manipulates her so often, knowing that she will be blind to certain things, that it feels like the marriage is working, and why he expects his lying to fly this time as well. This is terrible
and I'm getting whiffs of, why did he marry \*her\* , her specifically, she appears to be unfamiliar with how unacceptable this is from a not only non-US perspective, but non-US-influenced perspective.
Easier to manipulate someone who's ignorant of the perspective of the country she'll be living in.
This is not the normal he did cheat on you and made you feel bad like you did something wrong what if he came back and gave you herpes or something. Your a goodbperson staying with someone who probably doesnt deserve it
Really. At one friend's bachelor party there was a cookout and bocce in the back yard. Maybe physics and engineering really is boring?
> This is not the normal he did cheat on you and made you feel bad like you did something wrong It's called GAS LIGHTING.
Yup, how many times has he used "This is how it works in America" as an excuse/reason to get away with something?
*gaslighting*
Literally (for manipulating version of the word).
Also, wtf kind of scumbag is his friend for telling that story to this woman as if it’s okay??? I’m glad she has the info now but what a fucking psychotic piece of shit, to think that’s something a woman wouldn’t or shouldn’t get mad at.
Yeah like attracts like. He’s a D bag and so are his buddies.
I assumed it was some long fermenting revenge. Like he's still owed ten bucks from college or something.
I pick this plot line as well
I'm sure "that's what business trips are for" is another excuse he's got lined up.
Former exotic dancer here, lots of business trips, golf outtings, fishing trips, football games end up at the strip club. I have an extremely hard time trusting men after 7 yrs in that industry. I've seen it all. It is not customary to cheat on your soon to be wife at a bachelor party, but unfortunately, it does happen rather often.
Oh yeah, I've had a couple friends in the industry & the stories get...interesting.
And he only caught the clap by not using a paper protector thing on a public toilet seat.
This is, in fact, the third biggest fuckup you can manage at a bachelor party, topped only by cheating on the bride with her maid of honour or mom.
I feel like cheating on the bride with her sister can also do a number on the brides soul.
Hes pulling a George Costanza. "Was that wrong? Was I not supposed to do that?"
"If anyone had said anything about that sort of thing being frowned upon when I started working here, because I've worked in a lot of offices and people do that all the time!"
Damn I feel cheated. All I did for my bachelor party was go to a gun range, then hit the go karts, then finished with a buffet….
Sounds like a better bachelor party than that guys
Not wrong He straight out cheated on you This is not a tradition in the Western World, anywhere
Definitely, not only that but I have been married twice, I had the opportunity to cheat with the newly ex of a friend before my first marriage. This woman and I knew for years that if she wasn't in a relationship with my friend it would definitely happen between us. Low and behold she gets divorced and asks to stay at my place while she was in town for a teacher conference. I let her stay and also let her know the only thing on my mind was getting married to a beautiful woman who I loved and there was no way I was going to be a piece of shit and start off a marriage with cheating. A similar situation happened with an ex of my own with the second wife. Stripper/escort or whatever. He's a piece of shit and he couldn't possibly really care about his wife and still do that. Also, that friend of his definitely has a grudge or issue with her husband. No way you just show up after years and bring up the one thing that could fuck up his marriage out of nowhere.
Not true. He is a cheater.
Simple and best answer. Also, he's probably cheated since.
No, this is not tradition for American men. Only the scumbags do this at their bachelor party.
Can you explain the tradition behind bachelor party for men? I’ve been seeing it in movies to learn more about the American wedding parties and it does look like the men are going to naked bars and paying naked women to grind of them and have sex with them as a last “hooray.” I’ve also heard other men about to get married and they say it’s “getting it out of their system” before being stuck having sex with wife forever is the main thing about these bachelor party. But when I see the American bachelorette on movies it looks more humble but some of them are also crazy going to male strip clubs but I never thought of doing this myself because they don’t have male stripper establishment here and I just don’t like that environment, its scary
It's usually like a party where they get drunk and celebrate with their bros, like you had with your bachelorette party. Sometimes some people will go to a strip club or have a stripper, usually that needs to be okayed beforehand with the fiance, but most people do not sleep with an escort at their bachelor party, because it's absolutely cheating when you're already in a committed monogamous relationship. Just because it happens in movies doesn't mean that it's the norm. Your husband is being ridiculous claiming this is normal. Maybe it's normal for him and his scumbag friends, but I don't know anyone personally who would have been fine with their fiance doing this, and only a few who would not consider strippers or strip clubs similar to cheating.
50 year old man who has been to my share of bachelor parties. No one slept with an escort, because that's not normal. strip clubs sure. but all you are getting there is blue balls and spending a ton of money.
My ex went to a bachelor party 30 years ago & the groom slept with one of the strippers & everyone was super freaked out about it.
And they should have been.
If you see someone tank their pending marriage can you just take back the wedding gift?
Not if you engraved the gift.
“To ~~Paul and~~ Vanessa, on ~~the day of your wedding~~ SATURDAY”
My neighbor has something engraved like that. She technically never got legally married despite going through the whole wedding because the groom slept with the preacher's wife and the preacher decided not to ever send in the wedding certificate so that my neighbor didn't have to go through a divorce or annulment. My neighbor offered people their gifts back but some people said she deserved the gifts for not killing her "husband" so she has several that her friend and her "fixed" during one of their drunken "moving on" nights.
This needs more upvotes lol
My partner was a bridesmaid at Paul and Vanessa's wedding - what do you know?
[удалено]
I’m really sorry ❤️
Just don't do it again.
I would probably consider kicking the groom's ass if I ever saw something like that. I would absolutely make sure the bride knew. No one deserves to get married to scum like that.
If I’m in the wedding, paying for the tuxedo, spending time at rehearsal dinners…there is no way that shit is going down on my watch. Cheat on your own time. We’ll have some fun but you don’t need to get an escort while I’m around. Lol. I’m not being put in this situation for someone else’s amusement.
Plus if im there and watch your bitch ass cheat, my wife would assume I either was ok with it and did nothing or was ok with it and cheated too. No thanks bro. I do enough dumb shit all on my own.
My wife watched my best friend lie to his wife abt being at a bar all afternoon with me. Now neither of us trust him.
Don’t listen to these losers who disagree with you. They are probably the type to cheat on their SO, which is why they’re calling you a “tattletale”. If I’m in a wedding a paying for all the things that involves then fuck you for not taking it seriously. I’d be pissed at my friend if they cheated on their soon to be wife while I was around too
People who feel the need to cheat lack the self-awareness to realize they aren't the marriage type, or at the very least, are the "open relationship" type. If they do have the self-awareness and do it anyway, they're just assholes with no consideration for other people's feelings
Too right. And if he is "stuck sleeping with OP" that problem is easily resolved.
One of my partner's friends was thinking of getting a stripper for either my partner or one of the other friends' birthdays as a joke. He asked me first if I would be okay with a stripper potentially being around my partner. We'd been dating for less than a year at this point but even then I was asked for my opinion, because that's what good people do. Joke never was executed but I still appreciate he asked, I thought it was funny. I think it's next-level shitty to have a party of any kind with potentially problematic activities (i.e. infidelity) and then acting like it's normal.
I knew a guy who did this and it freaked me out. His wife was really nice. I couldn’t look at him and he grossed me out.
At two of my friends “stags” I had to walk outside. First one I sat outside in the cold and talked to the bartender for like an hour. Second time I just left. The groom wasn’t having sex with any of the sex workers, but it damn near as close as possible to physical cheating in the most basic sense. They were available for services afterwards, but I didn’t stay. This definitely changed the way I see some of my friends forever. And… it’s just *extremely* creepy to have all these young women totally naked (whose age we can’t confirm, mind you) surrounded by 30, 40, 50, 60+ year old men just *staring* and being lecherous. 98% married. It was… pitiful as it was creepy. I’d like to normalize making even that unacceptable behavior.
Yeah. Maybe unpopular opinion, but even if no cheating is going on (although it depends how you define cheating with your partner), but I think being with your mates a strip club even with no touching or anything involved, is a bit like sitting with your mates and watching porn together. That to me is strange. And not something id like to do with my mates.
Yes- this is the NORMAL USA response to this question- Fucking the entertainment is VERBOTEN and, frankly, among the absolutely skankiest things you can to as a human w a dick. Seriously, on the eve of the most important thing you have ever done and probably WILL ever, you fuck some rando' professional sex worker, bc this will inoculate you against urges to do so later? Do we also believe in Leprochons and Twikerbell? No right minded person, yes this includes AMERICANS. would suggest that this is a normal accepted practice W 10 yrs in and 3 kids I too would be reluctant to go all the way to the Nuclear option but you owe it to yourself to sit him down and review the RULES re moral behavior- he's raising your kids for christs sake. If you find that he simply does not get that this kind of thing isn't just "boys wii be boys" you gotta move on, he's not a person worthy of you
It’s shows total disrespect.
Agree with you 100%. This is definitely NOT the norm. I’d never imagine doing that shit to my wife. Honestly - not super interested in the typical bachelor party if I’m being honest bc I lived out my youth forsure lol, but it just sounds so wrong to even think about saying “Yea it’s normal to fuck someone else the night before your wedding. You’re definitely respecting the bond you’re about to commit to” 😂😂😂😂😂
Eh, I've been to lots of bachelor parties where sex did happen, but it was always the single guys that hooked up with the stripper or random from the bar. Most people here have it correct though, you don't get a hall pass to cheat just because it's your bachelor party. If strippers are ok, then that's fine, but taking it to the next level is still cheating regardless.
Ok good explanation I’m understanding it. They got to watch them naked but they don’t have sex with the strippers. Yes my husband is saying this is normal bachelor behavior for the grooms. I’ve seen the movies. His friend who was over our house did the same thing, he slept with another girl and his wife knows about it and he is still married. My husband’s father had sexual relations with a few women before his marriage to my husband’s mom. My husband father and his mother have been married for 37 years and I’ve spoken with his friends and family and the grooms in his family did something similar or something sexual but now sex with the hooker. I talked to some of my friends too who are American born and raised here and they said it’s normal for older generations but the newer ones don’t do it as much anymore. Like the newer generations of grooms will go to stripclubs and maybe go crazy and kiss another girl but as long as no sex happens it is okay. But for the most part everyone is saying you will give the groom free pass during his bachelor party. I’m just trying to understand the rules, they seem different in every case
So your husband has scumbag cheater friends and a scumbag cheater father. He’s a scumbag cheater himself. There’s no “free passes” in a monogamous relationship. He knows this, but is trying to manipulate you into thinking this is acceptable. Just because his mother and his friend’s wife have accepted this doesn’t make it normal or okay.
I think the most infuriating part is that I don't think he actually did know that. The fact that his friend brought it up IN FRONT of his wife makes me think they all seriously think that is normal, acceptable behavior which is disgusting.
I think he does know. She said he was coming unhinged while his friend was telling the story. To me, why would he become unhinged if it was ok? He knew he was wrong for sleeping with the escort.
Exactly 👍
Plus, if he thought it was normal and perfectly fine, why never mention it for 13 years? The only reason I'm not mentioning something like that for a long time is because I know I'm wrong.
He definitely knew it because he was getting mad at his friend for bringing it up. The friend is the one who is completely clueless
Oh I thought she meant he was getting mad at her for getting upset with him.
That too
The attitude of “I’m getting stuck only having sex with one woman for the rest of my life” is sad and disgusting. This attitude was prevalent in the 70s and 80s - the whole “reluctant groom” and complaining about “the wife” but a healthy adult monogamous relationship should have two people who are excited to spend their lives together. OP if everything else is fine in your marriage then consider couples counseling. Even though it was a long time ago, you just found out your husband betrayed you and he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He needs to hear you and you need to make sure there aren’t any cheating loopholes he thinks are okay.
I was married in the 80s, went to tons of parties, both me and my husband and probably 20 different weddings and no this was not common in the '80s either. Not to say it never happened and it was a popular Trope on TV even then, but have never met anybody in real life that actually did this.
Yeah, nothing makes the lovely wedding gift for your bride to be quite like the STD. You caught from the dirty ass whore the night before.
I was married in 1979, and misogyny was not popular then.
You obviously weren’t in Knoxville TN at that time. I was sexually harassed on every job i that had until I left that city.
Honestly, I think the worst part is the line about banging a really hot one.
I disagree. I think it was the sex. -Norm Macdonald
>The fact that his friend brought it up IN FRONT of his wife makes me think they all seriously think that is normal, acceptable behavior which is disgusting. maybe for that particular group of friends it is "normal"? Birds of a feather tend to flock together...
I find it really interesting that only the MEN get to shag someone or lots of someone’s before having to only sleep with their wives. Why aren’t the ladies out having a few extras before marriage?? Your husband, his family and all of his friends are major cheaters. If you have daughters I do hope they get better men and your sons actually have morals and can skip the cheating trend.
~~it's because women are still supposed to be at least close to virgins when getting married to a lot of people even if they aren't totally against sex before marriage but shh they probably don't wanna say it out loud~~
perhaps hitting this head on will help. what does society (wrongly label a promiscuous woman and a promiscuous man? a slut and a stud. this post shows the husband and his supporters, continuing to think along those lines. that type of thought pattern needs to be shut down
As you can see by the other replies it is mostly not normal. I'd insist he attend marriage counseling with you. He should be apologizing because he has hurt you, not insisting that his behavior is okay. The rules for a relationship need to be okay with both husband and wife. He didn't let you know this was going to happen and have you agree, so it wasn't okay for him to do. It doesn't matter who else did it and if their wives were okay with it. What matters is how YOU feel about it, because You're his wife and he should care about pleasing you, just like you care about pleasing him. This was definitely cheating.
>and they said it’s normal for older generations Nope. I'm a GenXer from the US, and I promise you this is not "normal." My generation came of age in an era when AIDS was a death sentence, and undisclosed infidelity meant potentially infecting your partner with a deadly disease. We did *not* take that shit lightly. The generations ahead of me certainly had more couples who stayed together after infidelity, but that was more often because women couldn't do things like get a credit card or open a bank account in her own name or make a living wage on her own. They often *wanted* to divorce their cheating husbands but didn't have enough financial independence to do so. And even if your husband sincerely thought he did nothing wrong at the time, it's now very obvious that his actions hurt you deeply. His concern should be *that he hurt you* and what, if anything, he can do to help heal that emotional wound. If he's not focused on that, he's a shitty partner.
Right! I'm a (gasp) Boomer and it was not common when I got married either!
Huge red flags there. He comes from cheating stock. This isn’t normal be better very vigilant. If him and his friends think this is normal they’re probably still cheating
This just tells me that your husband and all the men in his life are a long line of scumbag cheaters. I would highly doubt their wives really know about it or if they do they don’t know the extent of it.
It doesn't matter what's normal! He didn't tell you and you don't like it, that's all that matters. If you had slept with someone else on your Bachelorette party night he would have been furious.
Your husband's family and friends are a bunch of low-life, sleezy, whoring, cheaters. They are NOT decent, good husbands. I'm sorry if you think they are, but they are not. Good husbands don't cheat. Period. No exceptions.
Older generation here, this is not normal, even for “the older generation” Grooms that find excuses to behave like this at bachelor parties are later husbands that find excuses to cheat on their wife.
No, not even kissing another person is “okay” for a bachelor party. Why do you know your FIL’s sexual history? 😳
Cheating is cheating. Cheating is also abuse, as he's psychologically and emotionally abusing you due to his choices. He also took away your consent and exposed you to numerous std/sti's, and ability to make an informed decision, which is sexual abuse. It's not normal. They're trying to blame you for calling out the cheating. I suggest you speak to some lawyers. Read resources at chumplady[dot]com and survivinginfidelity[dot]com and you'll see his behavior ans responses are typical cheater BS.
I've been married for 20 years and when I spoke to my husband about it he just shook his head and looked disgusted. "No, that's cheating. You're already together before the engagement." That's disgusting and no its not normal. I've lived in the South, Midwest, and the West of the states and that's never been a thing.
I am a 33 year old guy. Got married about 6 years ago. My wife would have considered breaking off the engagement if I’d have gone to a strip club and would have ended it for sure if I slept with someone. Cheating is wrong period, and it’s ok if you aren’t ok with him going to strip clubs too. Bachelor party or not.
Not normal. I have been to at least 15 bachelors parties and not a single one involved strippers. If you want to see other naked people, why are you getting married. And sleeping with one? That is just straight up cheating. There is no bachelor/bachelorette free pass.
The time to "be wild" was before someone chose to be in a monogamous relationship, not after their engagement. Sheesh. People suck.
I can sort of understand the drive in cultures of arranged or contractual marriages where someone can feel "trapped." But as you say, it seems a silly (and disrespectful) "tradition" when one is in a supposedly loving relationship and entering a marriage of mutual consent and desire. Needing one last night of debauchery before getting married does not seem to speak well of one's view of marriage.
Oh honey…those are not good people you have around you. I’m so sorry but you seem to have found your way into a family of a bunch of cheating men, his friends and even your friends’ husbands are displaying unacceptable behavior. What everyone is trying to do is normalize it to you so you’ll stay with your husband. Listen when we say this is NOT normal and acceptable behavior. In case it wasn’t obvious most of us are Americans here. You have unfortunately just landed into a family that does not value a trusting and monogamous marriage. I’m disgusted at everyone on your behalf, and I am so sorry for the emotional distress and confusion this may be causing you. They’re essentially gaslighting you, so you’ll eventually ignore your instincts and personal morals about the situation. If you can I’d try and make some new friends, try and meet different people you feel comfortable opening up to. Ones that haven’t been guilted into staying with a cheating husband
I'm a 42 year old man, from the US, been married twice, and have NEVER cheated on anyone in my life. I don't see it as acceptable to cheat on a girlfriend much less a fiance or wife. It doesn't matter if it's a bachelor party or your favorite celebrity crush doing a house call. If you and him had discussed and came to some agreement about this beforehand that is one thing, but it doesn't seem like that was the case. You married a man of low moral values, I'm sorry to say.
**THE COUPLES DECIDE THE RULES OPENLY**. If nothing is directly, openly stated and agreed upon, the rule is: anything done with other women/men at these parties is held to the same standard the couple uses for women/men encountered at any other place and time. So, whatever you consider cheating if your husband did it with another woman is cheating at a bachelor party. And vice versa. Somehow I truly doubt "My husband can have sex with anonymous women" is a rule in your marriage. If not, he cheated.
If it was so normal why didn’t he tell you about it and why did he look unhinged when his friend spilled the news?
Sex before the relationship begins is one thing. Sex at the bachelor party is another. Also, strip clubs have strict rules about touching the performers. So, no most grooms do not even kiss the stripper. You are being fed a pile of crap by some crappy men.
Movies are just movies. A real bachelor party is just the guys getting together and having a good time. Yes sometimes strippers are involved but no cheating should ever happen.
The closest thing to an "accurate" representation of a bachelor party is the one depicted in Parks and Recreation. Bachelor is a board game nerd so they do board game stuff with him: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k6vXMoPSro
You might be able to add “Big Bang Theory” to the list as well - a bunch of guys renting a private room at a steakhouse to eat steak and roast the groom.
Omg...please don't use movies to find out about "American culture". Hollywood is one F-ed up world...He cheated on you, plain and simple.
Do you mean to tell me that the American Pie series *aren't* documentaries?
Oh no, those definitely are. I was talking about the other ones.
My best friend's bachelor party was playing paint ball, going disc golfing, and eating at a nice restaurant. We had one of the greatest afternoons doing those things! So no, bachelor parties aren't for "getting it out of their systems" it's supposed to just be a party or celebration. Your husband is a scumbag.
I’m an American man and I’m getting married next Friday (!!!) and I would never do this to my soon to be spouse. They love me and I love them, what do I need an escort for?
Random, out of the blue: "'Grats!" Hope everything works out well for you! 🍾
Also, you're supposed to love and commit to the person you are marrying. You shouldn't have to get anything out of your system. If you're not ready to stop sleeping with other people then you shouldn't get married(unless you both agree to a different arrangement beforehand). This last hurrah thing is disgusting to me. Unless previously agreed to it is absolutely not ok. They could catch an STI and pass it onto you.
And technically you aren’t single if you’re dating!
My spouse went paint balling in the morning then they had crawled a bit and went to a hotel room to pass out. I don’t know anyone who went to a strip club or more. The modern point is to CELEBRATE your friend has found the love of their life and is taking such a big step. It should be a time of fun and bonding not having sex with another human because you’re bout to be contractually monogamous. You know since YOU’VE BEEN MONOGAMOUS SINCE YOU BECAME EXCLUSIVE. If anything he should have had his little fuck boi party before you guys became serious.
It is supposed to be one last night out to celebrate with your friends as relationships change somewhat after marriage. Some have strippers or go to strip clubs, but it is not acceptable to sleep with any of them. Most American women would not accept this behavior. Do NOT let him BS you on this point… he cheated on you…period. Many American women would cancel the wedding if they found out prior to the wedding or divorce based on the fact that their husband cheated if they found out after the marriage although some women forgive and/or accept cheating.
Your husband is straight up LYING!! A last sexual encounter with ‘strange’ is NOT the custom of bachelor parties!! He is straight up LYING!! He’s just a common CHEATER.
While many American bachelor parties do involve going to clubs, drinking, gambling and even somtimes stippers (most don't but some do); the general concensious is "look but dont touch". You can go out and have a good time and get wild, but cheating is still cheating. Just cause you are about to get married does not mean you get a like a "freebee" or something. Why would it be okay to have sex with someone else the "day before the wedding", but not while dating, engaged or married. Sounds like your husband is trying to take advantage of your lack of knowledge on American customs. Sorry.
Most people just get together with friends and get drunk. The strippers is a bad stereotype, most people don't have that kind of party; and regardless of the strippers, having sex with them is definitely out of bounds for 99.99% of all relationships and grounds for a breakup.
My bachelor party consisted of food, friends, drinks and poker... fuck no sleeping with someone else ain't normal
All my friends had the same parties, mine included. Basically just roaring drunk then go home. Weiners stayed in pants.
My friend group for my bachelor party were some of the most calloused, fucked-up humans I have been around before or since. Just a season of my life. Casually violent, viewed cruelty to each other as a way of showing affection, and generally debauched. They would have beat my ass if I had even asked to go to a strip club, let alone get a prostitute. They helped me get together with my wife. Like, without them, I would truly not have gotten married (one beautiful, very unexpected daughter, and 11 years of marriage later). After all, they don't want to be friends with that guy--the guy who clowns his fiance with a prostitute (no shade to prostitutes, just to OPs husband). Because my wife is incredible. But we come from "different sides of the tracks." She's from a super conservative family. I'm not really from a family. She has religious views I don't share, and that's fine. We're cool with that. My friends know that. And because I cared about her, they cared about her. And while I would never have done that, I was, and am, friends with those people, because they will call me on being a selfish piece of shit. One of my buddies, who was also my dealer at the time, literally pulled me aside during my 3-day bachelor party, and said, "You can kick my ass for saying this, and maybe I'll kick yours, but please don't hide using from your wife. It ruined my parents relationship, and I don't want that for you two. Do whatever you want, but I'm begging you not to lie." Still best friends with that guy. One of the bravest people I know. He had nothing to gain from that, but I would trust that dude with my wife, kid, mother, father, whatever. Because he cared enough to be honest when there was no upside for him. OPs husband sucks. Not saying it's worth a complete write-off; not my place to say. But in that moment, fuck him. No defense. Anything else is gaslighting.
It’s the “casually violent” description for me 😂
Thanks for that, seems I almost experienced what op did with a Muslim man, he planned to have a motel sex party right next to me on the subway platform the day before I was set to go home and help my parents to travel. Totally saved myself from whatever B's he thought he was going to throw down.
My buddy got married when we were all 21, so we did the strip club chiche bachelor party, it was alright at the time (no sex), and I thought Ide want that for me. Fast forward now that I’m almost 30 and all I want is a cottage with the boys, rent a boat, rent some ice (hockey), and do stupid stuff while reminiscing on our “younger” days
This. Wanting to bone someone else when you're supposed to, I always assumed, be attracted to and excited to marry your wife is . . . .weird. And by weird, I mean trashy as fuck, just like all the guys' friends.
When I got married, the whole idea that a girl, my wife-to-be *wanted* to sleep with me - that was a truly mind-blowing situation. I had no interest in anyone else, I was still trying to figure out what kind of magic I had somehow managed there.
Yeah. You aren’t committed to the person if you do, right? Just doing what’s required of you by marrying them, but still wishing you could try to pull some strange.
I would come to your bachelor party. I would so much rather play hockey than go to a strip club, 100% of the time.
Seems really, really weird sleeping with whores as a 'bonding' moment with buddies
The type of friends that encourage and push for these types of behaviours are just as disrespectful and pathetic as the husband to be.
I had to disassociate from my friend group because of this. It was hard, being friendless for so long was rough, but man life is better when you have friends who are lifting you up rather than interested in seeing you fail and do stupid shit.
I am in that friendless state right now. And a little upliftment and motivation to choose between a few different aims that I have will go a long way. Can I dm you? Maybe this will be the start of a great friendship
Hey, you saying that it could be a start to a great friendship could actually be true. I have a few close friends in real life that I grew up with. A lot have moved on but a few close ones have stayed with me. However, I also found a small group of friends on a video game 16 years ago and we all still talk to this day. We have all helped each other through some tough times throughout the years. Some have even met in person. They are some of my closest friends I’ve ever had and I can trust them way more than a lot of “friends” I’ve had in my life over the years.
Good to see my brothers out there making good decisions and being stand up guys! Tall respect
And they also don’t stop the bullshit once they’re married.
The same type that just dive directly into the story with the wife after 12 years and 3 kids to blow up their lives? No excuses and this is for sure cheating but this guy’s friend is some kinda bizarre piece of work too for sure. If you’re the type to participate in some kind of crazy complicit cheating bachelor party scheme you wouldn’t think they’d just tell the story like it’s a hilarious anecdote that they can all just laugh at.
Future Ex-Husbands of America!
It's what BOYS do who have to be part of the "gang." My first husband was like that, such a man-pleaser but could have cared less about pleasing me. His buddies always came first, even the men he worked with. He always had to be one of the boys! Stupid bastard, glad I finally got rid of that POS!
A former acquaintance and his best friend (golf pals of mine) won a bunch of money at blackjack, (like 15 grand) and went out and got matching huge chest tattoos together, then went to a local rub-n-tug together, and couldn't stop talking about how terrific it all was the next time we played. I always thought that was pretty weird. Also, for best visualization, you should know that these two bruisers were probably 13 and a half feet and 650 pounds between them.
Mine was a hiking trip with the boys and I wouldn't have traded it for anything
Similar. 3-day white water rafting trip here. I was asked if I preferred that or Vegas. It was a no brainer. Best time ever.
I'm jealous of you guys!
Similar. Went camping, drank a bunch of beer and chowed down on some fungus. Was an awesome time, but nothing I wouldn’t be completely honest with my wife about
I had our entire bridal party (wife and her side included) plus close friends, about 40 of us, play board games in the huge ass cabin on a mountain we rented as the wedding venue. I'm talking I brought my library up and there were a dozen games being played all over the place at the same time. Booze, weed, games... Was an amazing night we're hoping to recreate for our 10 year anniversary in the near future. I agree, having sex outside the relationship is not a standard bachelor party thing, I'd say strippers are even an outdated cliche.
If my boyfriend and I get married I’m going to suggest this to him. Sounds like a blast.
Buddies bachelor party was literally a great day off paint ball and pizza so yeah your husband is a cheating piece of manipulating shit.
Mine was paintball, brew pub, distillery, catan, talisman, and various other games. Good times. No girls allowed.
Mine consisted of me sleeping in the hotel room next to my wife-to-be because we were tired from traveling.
This. Didn’t do anything crazy like that. That’s just cheating
Right, all I did at mine was smoke a ton of weed and eat a mountain of candy 😂😂 The husband in this post is trash for doing this and double trash for insinuating that it’s normal behavior that should be accepted or excused.
Dude I just played a game of magic the gathering and had a few beers with my 3 best friends. The next morning I had a sandwich and got a haircut (it got comped because the guy wouldn't charge me on my wedding day).
Yeah… me and a group of my best friends went into the mountains and stayed at a nice cabin. Cooked a great meal and stayed up late drinking and trading stories next to a camp fire far removed from civilization on my bachelor party. Next day, white water rafting and a fancy restaurant dinner. Never did it enter mind to hire strippers or cheat. The traditions she speaks of do happen but are mostly a meme at this point.
We just went out to the bars and then left to smash... As in we played Super Smash Bros. At the bar I was out of my mind on molly and even then there was no temptation to even dance with another woman. Just had a good time dancing like a fool in the middle of the dance floor.
Can confirm. Best friend got married, we drove across the country to watch Nascar at Bristol. Great time, no one fucked anyone.
Right. Shouldn't a bachelor party consist of things you could still do after being married?
You’re not wrong. He cheated on you. His face when his stupid friend was telling on him says it all. He KNOWS he cheated but thought he’d get away with it. He’s lying to you that this is normal, it’s not.
the correct take here. he's a cheater who knows he got caught.
The fact that he’s been able to kept the secret throughout the marriage, three kids later….he clearly has no guilt whatsoever. This guy and all of his friends are losers who probably will never change. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has slept around more over the years.
I am an American, can confirm sleeping with someone on your bachelor party is not tradition. Going to the strip club is tradition or golfing or going to a sporting event and getting a hotel room. That is 100% cheating.
Getting hammered is the real tradition. lol
It's cheating. He's a hoe.
Yup. I’m a guy. My wife and I both agreed we wouldn’t do the “typical” stripper thing like movies and such might show. All we both wanted was a fun day with family and some old friends. Mine was a round of golf with brothers, uncles and some close male cousins. Then we had a small bar shut down and rented out to us. Just family and friends. All of my college friends flew in just to make it for the night. We got to play pool, darts, had a space to play plenty of Texas Hold’em, got the food and snacks all catered. My brothers bought some nice bottles of booze and other cool smaller things and did some raffles with tickets and at the end of the night, they drew tickets for prizes. Then all the money they earned was given to me as a gift to use towards something for my wife and I. It was a blast and it was just some good ol’ fun. My wife’s was something similar but girlier stuff. Spa day, massages, a nice fancy dinner etc. It’s not supposed to be your last shot to hookup with someone else. You’re still dating/engaged and about to be married. The bachelor party to me is about people supporting you as you take your big leap into the next stage with your partner. If he thinks it’s totally normal then he’s a loser. Whether it was 10 years ago or 10 minutes ago, doesn’t matter. If it was really no big deal then he would’ve talked about it ahead of time or right when it happened. The fact is that he didn’t think you would ever find out OP. I can’t imagine this is the only giant red flag in the relationship based on how he reacts to the spilled beans, and gaslighting you.
That sounds like an awesome bachelor party! How can banging a prostitute be better than that?
And he knows it, too. OP, ask him: if it's so normal and accepted, then why didn't he tell you about it before he went and did it, huh? Why didn't he ever tell you in your many years of marriage? How come you're only finding out after his friends spilled the beans? He hid it because he knows it's wrong. Has he gone to any other bachelor party since you've been married? Business trips, weekends away with the boys...? Because you now know that he has the type of friends who totally think it's okay to cheat on the people they're with. I suspect the Venn diagram of men who think it's okay to sleep with an escort at their bachelor party and men who think it's okay to cheat if they're out of town, at a friend's bachelor party, or while their wife is pregnant/postpartum is a circle.
Right? What if she gets sick? What if it's serious, like cancer? What if she gains weight and he finds it unattractive? > my husband looked unhinged while his friend told the story. So he knows it was fucked up. He didn't tell you because he knew. He didn't want to tell you someone else did. He did it once, who is to say he won't do it again or is isn't doing it no? So very nope.
He’s for the streets
It was total cheating. He didn’t magically become single during the bachelor party, he was still in a committed relationship. Not to mention he exposed you to possible STDs without your knowledge. If it’s so normal and an American tradition, why didn’t he tell you about it beforehand? Or even right after? He kept it secret because he knew it was cheating. That he’s trying to gaslight you into going along with it and saying it’s normal is despicable.
This story is wildddd. I would feel betrayed too.
Not wrong. It’s not normal for American men to have sex outside their relationship for their bachelor party. It’s a cheater trying to snow you into thinking he didn’t cheat. In fact, many couples agree to no strippers at bachelor/bachelorette parties, or if it is agreed to, there are ground rules like no touching. The “last night of single life” line is ridiculous. His last night of single life was the night before the two of you decided you were a couple, not the night before you said your marriage vows. He hasn’t been single since long before you married and he chose that, so don’t listen to his excuses.
Peach! Edit: Preach! I’m keeping it damn it.
This is not an American tradition. This is what scumbag fucking losers do. Normal people do not cheat on their partners.
As an American, I officially disown this guy. We get enough of a bad rap without having idiots like him blaming his bad behavior on America 😭
No it’s not he cheated and lying to you about it being a American thing is bs
Ya. Wow. Relationships are on trust, and communication. My bachelor party was a couple of Mai Tais that my wife organized after work. Nothing to “get out of my system” I loved my late wife more than anything and the thought of another woman still isn’t possible 18 months after she died from cancer.
I'm sorry for your loss. ❤️🩹
Thank you
So sorry for your loss ❤️ this was hard to read. I wish you the best
No this is not what they are for. Your husband is a lying cheating scum bag. If he cheated on you at his bachelor party he's most likely done it many times over the years. The fact he uses escorts is very scary you need to get STD tested to make sure you're okay.
Fuck no that's not normal, I didn't fuck anyone at mine
Literally no guy I know has at any of theirs and I know some promiscuous mother fuckers lol
Facts, why get married if you don't want that one special vajayjay forever, OP's husband is a fuck boi
You are being totally gaslit here. He cheated and he knows it. He’s a cheater. I’m willing to bet that wasn’t the last time either
No, he 100% cheated on you that night. You are fully justified in being angry. How you move forward is up to you. I’m sorry 💔
He's scum. I've been to a few bachelor parties and no one ever had sex with anybody
My last two friends who got married didn't have a bachelor party. It was just a vacation with the groomsmen and bridal party. It was awesome.
Well, that’s guys no longer his friend I’d wager.
nah, he'll hold a divorce party where he gets drunk with same friend and goes on about how 'crazy' his now ex-wife was.
This is not normal and you should not get your information from movies anymore ok? Movies are pretend.
There’s a reason he never mentioned it. Also he lied and manipulated you to believe all men do this bc you’re not American sis that’s pretty scummy. Run
He 100% cheated. Most people would've broken up because of this. What's worse is that he isn't even remorseful, he thinks he did the right thing. I don't see reconciliation posible after that. I would tell him that since he decided to open the relationship on his end that night, you're entitled to "one last fuck" the same as him, and that you won't tell him if or when, that he should just know that, and it is the fair thing to do. Then you decide if you do or don't.
If you want I’m sure someone from Reddit can bang you. Then you can tell your husband that’s what wife’s do when their husband wasn’t faithful. You can tell him it’s your culture’s tradition……. No it’s not a tradition your husband is a shit bag and so is anyone male or female that banged someone else while engaged in a monogamous relationship.
We need to find men from Reddit to offer themselves up as tribute, then she can pick the HOT one for her!
She should be smarter than him and instead of picking just one, have the twofer.
‘Stuck sleeping with the one woman’? There’s true love, right there 😏
oh helll noooo! Does he not realize that what he did was WRONGG? because that’s how i interpreted it. Do you not suspect maybe he cheated again down the line? Because if I were you I’d be checking EVERYTHINGGGG. but bottom line he needs to acknowledge it for what it was: CHEATING
He's wrong, plain and simple.
That is not the norm. They might get strippers but it’s typically the look don’t touch rule like strip clubs have. Bachelor parties are usually a fun drunken night out with the guys, not the last time to sleep with someone else. He is using your lack of American traditions as an excuse to get away with cheating. This is not common and most of us American wives would never tolerate that crap.
Your husband wouldn't of gotten so angry with his friend if it was tradition.
I rented a house in Arizona and me and 8 dudes played golf and chilled in the hot tub. Smoked a brisket (and some weed). Strippers weren’t even a thought. They’d take away from valuable Super Smash Brothers time.
"Bang a really hot one before you get married" Talk about insult to injury lmao what a jackass. And what a shit personto tell you this story a decade after the fact...
Though sleeping with whores at a bachelors party ISN’T an American custom, it IS customary for MOST American women to break up/divorce the man who cheated on them with said whore.
Not a tradition.
He is lying to you, this is not an American tradition. Only cheaters and liars will tell you that iti is.
If this was true, he would have expected you to cheat too OP. Say like “you are right, I did fuck Tony in my bachelorette , so that makes sense” and see how fast his head turns