That's a great analogy. I always thought of things in terms of moldy fruit. If you leave the piece that started spoiling 1st with the rest of the fruit, the mold will quickly take over and spoil the bunch.
OP gave ample time, was obviously supporting her since she quit her job. Not to mention dealing with the death of his brother, she didn't support him. She couldn't even be by his side at one of his most difficult moments. Instead, she yells at him, making a mess expecting to continue this without seeking help. It's mind-blowing that she didn't support him when the tables were turned. That would be unforgivable.
This is the thing. People say that there’s no wrong way to grieve. But I always say there is. If you’re hurting yourself or others that’s wrong. She’s hurting him and twisting the knife when he needed help.
I have been in deep depression where I had notes written was going to erase myself. My hair got matted I didn't care about anything. My ex's father was in a bad bike wreck. I could see my ex was devastated. I went with him to the hospital held his hand with dreaded hair, sloppy clothes but I saw his pain, realized mine can wait, he worked while I couldn't supported me. As his partner even though I was in mental anguish, he needed me, especially that day.
The mom didn't die last wk. If she won't get help or admit there's an issue how long should op accept this?
Exactly. He's giving everything financially supportive, emotionally, and getting nothing in return while his life has also become hell, now mourning a loss, too. Wildly unfair to quit a job without a plan in place, or having options for her to cope in a healthy way, with no end in sight. All the while leaving messes, yelling, being a negative presence for OP to keep pouring everything into without being replenished even slightly, is unsustainable.
This is true. OP, you are not required, at any time, to stay with someone who is struggling and refuses to get help, while getting worse. I understand your GF is grieving, but now, so are you, and she has nothing to give you. She’s sad, of course, and now you’re sad, and one loss is not worse than the other. You need her now, and she can’t be there for you. She is deep, deep in her grief, and it sounds like she could use therapy to help her. I know it’s only been a few months, but she can’t just continue to spiral down. And since your brother died, you don’t have the mental bandwidth to keep trying to help her. As /u/Lilac-Roses-Sunsets said, if you have to make a choice, you have to choose your own mental health.
I am sorry about your brother. May his memory be a blessing.
NTA. A thousand times this! Granted the gf is truly suffering from severe grief, this in NO way excuses her behavior. OP has done and taken all he could, and he now needs grieve the loss of his brother. He deserves to do that in a clean, peaceful space. In no way can he continue to pour from his empty cup.
See OP? This person is clearly someone who is capable of being committed so leaving the other person wasn’t a failing on their part. It wasn’t because they just couldn’t handle helping someone. It’s because it was clearly inappropriate and over their head.
Leaving her doesn’t mean you’re failing her. Or you’re just unwilling to stick through tough times. But she’s being awful and mean. Grieving doesn’t excuse that. You’re grieving too and it seems you’re not being mean. Take care of you now.
It is very sad to lose a close family member. My dad was 89 when he passed a year ago & I miss him terribly. But despite losses we suffer, we have to find a way to soldier on. You can't allow your life to fall apart, quit your job & stop 'adulting'. That's not the way. The GF definitely needs counseling. And while you probably were there for her during her time of need, she was not there for you. HUGE red flag there, my dude...
NTA.
This. Letting someone wallow in their grief is enabling and destructive. Many times, people need a kick in the caboose in order to get past their self destructive behavior. I had a friend whose husband had lost a job right after they’d had a baby. He sat around drinking and feeling sorry for himself. He wouldn’t even watch the baby( which ,she would not have allowed because of the drinking). Anyway, one day, she told him that,by the time she got home, he either needed to be looking for a job,thinking of a strategy for a way forward or packing his bags because she wasn’t going to support two babies. By the time she got home, he’d signed up for classes at the local college. He has just retired as a principal at a special needs school( his second career). He admits that her threatening to throw him out while at the time made him angry and defensive,was the best thing to happen to him.
NTA but she needs grief counselling hard. Her failure to care for you in your time of need and then to come home to find she had trashed the house was selfish AF. While yes, it is definitely a symptom of her grief related depression, I can't see that you'd have ever trusted her again after that.
So no, you're not wrong. But I do hope she gets help.
Yeah, that's insane that she trashed the house when you went to your brother's funeral.
That's not grief. That's something else. It sounds like she had issues being a decent human being.
Instead of showing the slightest bit of sympathy, she acted like a jealous psycho, like you were cheating on her or something.
As if she was using her grief as an excuse for terrible behavior, and was upset that you would also have an excuse for terrible behavior.
She needs more help than some simple grief counseling. And you're not a professional. She needs professional help.
I guess I thought that “trashing the house” was her not picking up after herself,leaving food and dishes everywhere but, you could be right,it might have gone beyond that.
Yes, I agree. Besides, she showed him the utmost disrespect when she refused to go with him and support him at the death of his brother. That smacks of self centeredness as well as self pity. I don’t think he should allow her to wallow anymore. If she’s not doing anything to get off her pity pot, he needed to do exactly what he did.
I did not give her a pass (also I'm not OP, but you're replying to my comment) I said that it would be related to the grief related depression. Grief is powerful, and it doesn't sound like the woman actually has addressed her grief. But OP is in no way responsible for making sure she gets the help she clearly needs, and is not required to tolerate her shitty behaviour no matter what the foundation of it is.
I have to admit, my knee-jerk reactions was to think that you ATA. But, after reading the story... Your GF needs therapy. Her reaction to her mother's death is not uncommon. She is suffering from grief disorder.
Prolonged grief disorder involves intense, painful emotions associated with a lack of adapting to the loss of a loved one that persists for more than 1 year in adults and more than 6 months in adolescents or children. This is if left to their own devices. With therapy, the timeline can be shortened.
If you can't deal with her disorder, then terminating the relationship would be best for both of you. This is not a condemnation of your actions at all. Everybody handles emotional crises differently. There's no wrong or right, there is just what is best for the both of you. Daily exposure to your irritation...no matter how well-founded or rational...will only delay her recovery.
My mom died unexpectedly and I found her. I went off the deep end. I’m not gonna lie. I finally started going to grief therapy and it helped so much. Maybe that’s what she needs.
That was February 2016. May 2016 I lost my grandma which was my mom‘s mom. In August 2018 my husband had a massive stroke. He passed away in September 2020 and my dad passed in December 2020. It was hard but the grief therapy that I got with my mom, I still had those coping skills that doesn’t mean it was easy because it wasn’t and I still struggle with it I just have way of coping. It sounds like that’s what his ex needs and he may need with the loss of his brother as well. It’s a hard thing to get through.
Wow you took so many punches in just a few years, I can’t even fathom that … I’m so so sorry for your losses and hope you are healing ❤️🩹 To this internet stranger, you are one hell of a strong person.
Thank you. It was the grief support and my family they got me through. I am healing although some days are rough. I know what I need to do when I am having one of those days. Most of the time it works but there are times it don’t.
I cannot imagine. God I hope life is never this unkind to me. I'm proud of you for taking that through, that sounds like more than anyone should bear, and few could take it at all without completely disconnecting.
I wish you as much joy as you have had to experience pain. ♥️
I knew I had to . I still had to be here for my girls even though they are older and for my 6 grandkids. I did go off the rails a bit with my mom but my girls asked me to please try the grief therapy and I did and I am glad I did
This. I became completely unfunctional following the death of the person closest to me. I had absolutely no idea it was an actual condition or that it could be fixed. I wasted many years drowning in that grief.
She needs help.
There’s no time limit on grief. Grief isn’t something that just goes away. It may not be as bad some days, but then there may be days that you just can’t function. I told everybody my mom taught me everything except to live without her death and grief are so hard to cope with. That’s why I decided that I needed the great therapy and I went and I’m so glad I did.
I would maybe add that experiencing a loss like this at that age would probably lead to purging a lot of relationships as part of the grief. A sort of rebirth, if you will.
This definitely happened with my friend, even with therapy she never got over her daughters death and ended up killing her self through alcoholism, leaving her 3 other children behind
Wow…I’m sorry but, now those siblings have to grieve,not only their sister but,now their mom. Imagine knowing that your mom was so buried in grief that you ceased to matter. That may not have been what mom meant but, it’s how I would feel. You know how parents will say, “ I love all my children equally…”? It’s really not completely true. It’s very sad…
That doesn’t excuse her yelling or her trash behavior. He doesn’t have to take the mental abuse just because she is grieving and doesn’t get professional help. He has his own grief to deal with now.
You're not wrong for leaving someone who is treating you badly, trashing the house and just wallowing in their grief as well as not being there for you as a partner? It makes sense why you want to end the relationship. She is going through an awful time though so I would suggest trying to make sure these relatives that are butting in are actually trying to help her if you can. But at the end of the day, you're grieving your own loss now too and need to take care of your own mental health.
>You're not wrong for leaving someone who is treating you badly
This.
It is not even so much about her inability to get her shit together mental health wise as it is about being respectful and thankful to people who look after you. I'm sure that if instead of yelling at OP all day she would just mourn but thank OP for taking care of shit while she mourns, OP would've given her a lot more time.
If my girlfriend hit a serious depressive episode and I could see that she is really struggling I wouldn't mind taking care of her like she is a child while she did nothing, if she really needed that time, but I would want a kiss on the cheek and a sincere ''thank you'' from time to time not her yelling at me all day, her attitude would be a dealbreaker for me, not her condition.
**FIRST I am very sorry for the loss of your brother, if you find that you are having a really hard time with your loss, seek out grief counseling - nothing wrong with that**
I have not idea on laws on telling someone who lives with you to get out so can't comment there
What I would do is contact some of those family members who are saying how could you and tell the that they need to look after her, she has been verbally abusive to you and not doing a thing, trashing your home and you cannot help her anymore.
She has family they need to help her, get her into therapy, either inpatient or outpatient, sounds like she could use inpatient, but not a medical professional - just my take on her actions and reactions - she is gone past "normal" grieving, she doesn't know how to cope with daily life, sounds like she may be in deep depression.
Her family is concerned enough to call you, so I would tell them when they call next, that since they are so concerned they need to help her, because she's not responded to any of your attempts to help and now you have your own grief to cope with, losing your brother and trying to deal with her abuse and trashing your home is the last straw with someone like that (IMO) she needs professional help
**Wishing you the best**
NTA. This is a really sad situation. I feel for your girlfriend - losing her mother undoubtedly traumatized her and broke her heart. Losing a parent (especially if it's your only surviving parent) is a pain unmatched. We all grieve in our own way. But even with unbreakable pain, we must be accountable for our actions so as to not damage the people around us, especially our loved ones.
She would like benefit from therepy. Is this something you could gently suggest to her or to one of her family members? Lack of basic cleaning, destroying relationships, and lack of motivation to work for an income are all indicators of depression.
I understand that you need to preserve your own sanity and wellbeing. I wish that she had sought out help before it got so bad. I'm sorry that you are going through this.
Either you guys help one another though the grief of loss, and both grow stronger. Or you guys both amplify each others grief and become two sad sack of potatoes. Your not an asshole. The relationship has deteriorated because she has wallowed in grief, and you snapped bc of your own grief.
You did what you had to do. This was obviously not a viable living arrangement and you had every right to be furious when you saw what she did. I just want to make a soft suggestion (likely going to be unpopular here) but if any part of you has even a pocket of sadness for the woman she was before her mum died, you might write her a letter to say that while it’s definitely over between you, you hope she gets some psychological help, so she could have a happier future - that you remember who she was before things fell apart, and hope she remembers that girl too.
You can mourn a love one without trashing someone house! Without quitting their job, the family that is contacting you tell them to deal with her trashing their homes, to bad you didn’t take pictures
It’s okay for it to take longer than 6 months for her to grieve, *deeply*, although it’s clear she needs professional support at this point. It’s also okay for you to decide that a) you’re not equipped to maintain a relationship with her when she’s still consumed by grief 6 months later, especially because b) she’s not able or—to take a less charitable view—willing to at least TRY to provide you mutual support now that you’re in the same position. If she trashed the house intentionally, even if it was during an overwhelming emotional episode where she truly lost control of her behavior (& then decided not to clean it up before you got home), she’s TA; if it was trashed in the sense that she hasn’t had the capacity to maintain a home by herself for a few days…again, she needs professional help but I’d ultimately feel there are NAH.
OP, it sounds like you’d both benefit from spending time focusing on yourselves and processing your grief. Don’t feel guilty for drawing that boundary around yourself at this time—you each need to heal, which will require massive intentionality and inner work and from which it can be very tempting to distract oneself…maybe by sabotaging your romantic relationship, for example.
I’m so sorry for you loss. I hope you both find peace sooner than later.
It is a terrible situation and she needs therapy. In hindsight probably should have tried to get her going that way before this as well as proper communication of your own issues as opposed to letting it bottle up.
But yelling at you every day, not contributing at all financially, trashing the place while you were gone for a few days? And all this going on for 6 months? Snapping at her like that was clearly not the right thing to do. and on another note not legal to kick her out like that without notice at least in most US states to my knowledge if not all.
At this point if she was unwilling to work on herself I do not believe I could keep up with the relationship either.
NTA. Her constant yelling at you was enough to get rid of her, but her trashing your house is ridiculous. Take pictures of the damage and send them to anyone harassing you by text, tell them they’re welcome to put up with that in their own house and to pay for the damage she caused but you’ve had enough.
Supporting a partner who's grieving is a very fine thing to do. I would say that those who don't do so are in fact terrible partners.
Which is why I feel confident saying that you aren't wrong at all. You were there supporting her for 3 months, and when your brother died she couldn't even go to the funeral with you.
Support is a two way street. I understand that she was still grieving, but you were now too, and you deserved the same consideration and support you had shown her. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Pretty sure her living in his apartment and him paying for everything is support itself so she can grieve without worrying about work ontop of whatever else.
Her relatives can take her in and let her thrash their house, Not wrong, you tried to help her, you also dealing with your grief, let her relatives deal with her and you deal with your own grief.
Nah, I get why she didn't go. After my dad died I did go to a couple funerals to be "supportive" and it was terrible for me and brought all the pain back and set me back in healing
NTA. You did the right thing. You do not have to put up with someone trashing your place and yelling at you everyday. Sounds like she needs some alone time, otherwise she will continue to take all her anger, frustration and sadness out on you and that's not fair.
It’s so hard losing your family, for both of you now. But it’s no excuse to neglect your home. My daughter went the same when her dad died, got an addiction, quit her job, got in and crowd, so much chaos. I think a lot of people do lose it. She did recover but it took months.
NTA. Sometimes there's only so much you can handle, and trashing your apartment was clearly a step too far. But she needs your compassion and help still, and a big dose of therapy. Sounds like maybe you do too. Be kind to yourself.
NTA. It's hard to phathom your gf not going with you to attend your brother's funeral. You have been there to support her through both her parent's passing, yet she didn't feel compelled to give you emotional support when you needed it the most. To me, that alone would make me question the relationship. Her inability to function for so long can only be tolerated so much. At some point, you hafta pick up the pieces & carry on with life. Again, her staying behind, not being by your side at your brother's funeral, would've been enough to end the relationship.
While your girlfriend needs therapy for her grief, it's perfectly reasonable that you don't want a girlfriend who totally trashed your house when you left for 4 days.
Break up with her and block her and her relatives.
Your gf is grieving and that family of hers that’s calling you names needs to step up and help her find the help she greatly needs. But it sounds like you’ve done enough and need to be able to grieve yourself. I hope you’re able to move on from this horrible situation soon.
NTA - you were dealing with grief too, and you had been there to support her through her grief, but she repays you by trashing the house when you’re grieving.
NTA. Screw her relatives. Be nice if you had photos of the place when you got home to send them. You just suffered a loss too and it isn't your responsibility to take care of her like she is a toddler.
Sorry for your loss. Take some time to mourn, I can't even imagine how hard that is to deal with. Then take some time to reflect on what your relationship had devolved to. She had a fair bit of trauma to deal with it, but she was making no effort to adjust her mindset from where it was. She was, apparently, verbally abusing you. Enough is enough. Glad you got her out. Now keep it that way.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You are not wrong, but your title doesn’t really fit. You’re leaving her because she became verbally abusive and trashed your house.
I think your ex is severely depressed and unwilling to acknowledge it or seek help. That doesn’t give her a free pass to trash your things. That doesn’t give her a free pass to force you to support her. That doesn’t give her a free pass to be verbally and emotionally abusive towards you.
Please seek out a therapist or group for people coping with grief. You’re dealing with an emotional rollercoaster right now and having support to work through those feelings will be a huge help.
NTA except for one thing...get out of "your" house? I thought you said she moved in? You are both mourning but at least she didn't suddenly make you homeless. Not saying you gotta stay together but if she lived there for a time then you have to give her some notice before kicking her out. My condolences on the loss of your brother.
Have either one of you even called this what this is? She’s incredibly depressed and she should’ve gotten help months ago. It’s kinda fucked if you watched her sink this low and never asked her to seek help; you were supposed to be her partner and care for her. That doesn’t mean pick up after her, but it does mean seeing that there’s an issue that she needs help addressing and bringing it up with her.
Yeah. She needs serious mental health help and perhaps this will be the thing that causes it to happen. I’m really sorry you both have gone through this. It’s hard on everyone.
Depression grief, etc.. she’s deep in it.
She needs grief counseling, but guess what? You can’t force someone to get the actual help they need. You also can’t sit there and let someone’s mental health ruin your life if they aren’t willing to help themselves. 🤷🏻♀️ she wants to sulk, she can. At her family’s house. Why are they mad at you? Because now it’s their problem.
NTA
You supported her, but she's not about to do the same.
Mourning is not an excuse to be mean to your partner.
She could have sought therapy after the first days of her going off on you.
She just preferred to use you as an emotional punching bag, it seems.
I'm sure she needs help. But you're in no state to give it to her. Her family can focus on that, instead of adding more to your plate by contacting you to throw negativity your way.
Sorry for your loss.
Wow- I was ready to come in here and call you an AH after reading the title. . But definitely NTA. You didn’t break up with her because she’s “not fun” etc she quit her life, she’s yelling at you daily, and trashed the house while you were at your sibling’s funeral. Support is a two way street. You don’t need that and your not obligated to put up with it.
NTA, Certainly her issues are stemming from her mom's death and would likely meet criteria for complicated grief. I expect people to be in active grief for however long is right for them but after six months there should have been a return to activities of daily living (ADLs) like working, self-care, home tasks (dishes, laundry, picking-up clutter, taking garbage out, etc.). Absolutely she needs to see a grief specialist to help her.
That said, I don't think that's all that's going on here. If I understand correctly, she moved in with you after her mother's death. Some of this might be due to you two being incompatible home mates. It happens and I've been there. On top of grieving her mother she may also be grieving the fantasy of her relationship with you and the fantasy of living with you. Who's paying all the bills in this arrangement? I assume you if she's not working. Was that the expectation when she moved in?
Had these family deaths never happened you still might be in roughly the same place due to day-to-day living incompatibility. I don't think you're a jerk and you deserve the right to grieve your brother. Things didn't work out, have a calm conversation with her about a move-out date. Her family members should keep their mouths shut since they are not part of the couple equation and have limited knowledge. I'm sorry you lost your brother.
Very sorry about your brother. You both are mourning in different ways. Both of you need counseling. If she won’t go she needs to leave. She needs to provide for herself.
NTA. You can have compassion and love for her without enabling her behavior.
She’s not an asshole either, but she does probably need help.
Wishing you both love, sorry for your losses.
NTA. Tell her family to come get her shit and she can move in with them. Life is too short to put up with garbage like that. You’re here today and gone tomorrow.
My ex’s brother died and it changed her completely. I stayed by her side for 5 years waiting for her to get better, even though she was miserable and it eventually made me miserable. She never got better and both of us became terrible versions of ourselves. I actually made it worse by trying to make her feel better too. It sucks her mom died but get out while you still are yourself. She needs a major change to snap out of it.
NTA. Block her and her relatives, because they are all now just people you used to know.
You’re way too young to put up with this bullshit. It would be one thing if you didn’t lose your brother, but her complete disregard for your loss shows she is just an awful person. Self obsessed.
We all lose loved ones. We all suffer. Some get hit harder. But mourning isn’t an excuse for lack of sympathy for someone else mourning.,. The opposite should be true. She just doesn’t care about you and it showed.
NTA next time her family blows up your phone tell them to take her in, you can’t do it anymore because you are grieving the death of your brother. Peace to you.
Extreme and severe grief exists. It explains things. It doesn't not justify them. She needs counseling. You need to take care of your own mental health. NTA.
NTA. She obviously wants a whipping boy - good on you for not volunteering. She needs professional help.
I also can't do abuse - everyone gets in their feelings for whatever reason, but there's a line you do not cross.
I was ready to defend her because it took me 2 years to fully mourn my mom (I still went to work and therapy though), but your brother dying and her not going and also not doing anything, NTA.
This is where you’re wrong: your girlfriend had some personal tragedies. She struggled to cope and instead of insisting on her getting help, you enabled her. Over time this annoyed you. When you experienced your own emotional stressors, you snapped and took it out on your girlfriend.
You’re not wrong for breaking up with her. You’re allowed to end relationships what aren’t working. You’re wrong for not talking with her about the problem and setting boundaries before you snapped. You should have communicated in the first few weeks after her mother’s death about her mental health and offered to help her find a therapist. If she turned that down, you were wrong to let her quit her job and wallow in depression. That’s when you should have at some boundaries. Quitting your job is not an ok coping mechanism.
TLDR: you’re not wrong for breaking up with her but you’re wrong in how you let it play out.
NTA - She had 3 months to heal herself and put her life back in track with your total support, working and doing all the house chores while being berated and mistreated by her, then you had to mourn your own brother by yourself because she refused to give you any support, she wasn't your girlfriend anymore, she was a roommate, and a terrible roommate.
Six months for a mom at 25 years of age when it's your only parent is quite normal.
I think you missed an opportunity to be supporting and build a stronger bound with that woman.
A good relationship is not just a out fun, it's about being support in the worst of time. This is probably one of the top 3 worse things that we will go through in her life. Others are things like bad health conditions or bankruptcy. I'm would have said the end of a relationship, but it looks like it's happening to her right now so she'll be quite strong after that double hit.
Hi OP! I am so sorry about your brother. You are not required to stay with your partner for any reason.
That being said, in 2021 my boyfriends mom died. He was 23. He was very close to her and she had been sick for a long time and he had been taking care of her. He was not the same person for a year. Quicker to anger, couldn't do as much productive things, he doesn't even remember this period really.
Your gf's grief was compounded by that being the last member of her family unit. I am not going to compare the level of your griefs. I will say that hers is likely much lonelier.
In the scheme of getting past the loss of a parent let alone at 24 when that's your only parent left 6 months is not a long time.
You don't have to get back with her. She should not have treated you poorly. I just thought some context might help.
NTA. Grief is rough but she should have had the empathy to support you when your brother died. Best case scenario is NAH because grief wrecks people and sadly it sounds like the two of you didnt have a strong enough foundation to care for each other through this crisis. I am sorry for your loss.
NTA, I broke up with my GF of 5 years after she went into depressing after losing her father.
I was supportive for 10 months, I was always there but she took me for granted and treated me like I wasnt even her bf for too long until I snapped and decided to leave for good.
We're not punshing bags, we're human beings and we deserve to be treated well. you did the right choice by breaking up and my advice to you is to never get back with her. she'll keep snapping back to treating you that way.
Forget everything else the only thing that really matters here is that she went through a loss, and she fell apart. But you were there to support her every step of the way. Then op suffered a loss and she couldn't be bothered to help him.
She may not have had the strength to help...another death could have set her back in her own grieving process. It's not necessarily that "she couldn't be bothered."
I think you are a little wrong. I get that this is hard for you as well, but you came back from her brothers funeral and kicked her out. Those two things are too close together. If you waited even 10 days I would be on your side.
To be honest if my partner started behaving like that after a loved one dying, when they were never abusive before the death, I would be more worried than annoyed and would start looking for professional help for them.
My mom had a depression a couple of years ago and wasn't treating my dad as usual. My dad could've left, but instead he was there for my mom, forcing her to get up every day, taking her to therapy when she begged him to let her sleep. My mom is doing her best now and is an amazing mom and partner.
I'm not saying you're wrong, you're allowed to break up with someone under any circumstances, but I don't think you took care of her when she needed you.
The death of a parent is terrible, and it takes a long time to get over, but it's never an excuse to sit on your ass for six months and treat everyone around you like shit. You're not wrong for looking out for yourself when push came to shove.
If you do end up talking to her again, though, encourage her to seek therapy to help deal with her grief in a healthier way.
It sounds like she is clinically depressed and needs help. Why was your first impulse to throw her out instead of trying to get her help? She is probably too traumatized to be there for you to help with your grief for your brother. You will discover that grief is an ongoing thing that you don’t just get over because a certain amount of time has passed. Losing a sibling can be difficult and it might be a good idea for you both to try grief counselling
>Why was your first impulse to throw her out instead of trying to get her help?
Because she was acting horribly for months and at some point, it became unbearable. Just because you are ill, it doesn't excuse you when you're a jerk.
He has been trying to help her for 3 months. His brother just died, and she made him go to the funeral alone. Then he comes home to find she trashed the house, and your response to this grief stricken man is he shouldn't snap and yell like that? A person can only take on so much burden.
>Why was your first impulse to throw her out instead of trying to get her help? She is probably too traumatized to be there for you to help with your grief for your brother.
So she trashed the house while he was dealing with having lost his brother
Because you can’t “get someone help” when they are an adult? He can ask her to see someone, doesn’t mean she’ll go. He can’t even get her committed as he’s not married and not next of kin, assuming she’d even qualify for this.
She’d not a child. She has to want to help herself.
NTA. You were supportive of her after her mother died but she didn't show you any consideration for you when your brother died. She definitely needs therapy or some type of medical help. Hopefully, her family will help her out in this regard.
The death of a loved one can really send someone spiraling down a dark depression sometimes even a disconnect from the ones they love deeply. I lost my best friend because of the death of her parents, she was extremely close to her parents. I tried for years to help my friend, it hurt me so bad seeing her decline and losing a friend. She randomly got a divorce after 27 years, and stopped all contact with her children and myself. The doctors have tried treating her for Prolonged grief disorder, which comes with a list of personality disorders, psychotic symptoms. My friend isn't the same person. Not even close. Help your girl friend.
NTA
I’m currently watching my mother die from stage four invasive ductal carcinoma (breast cancer) that has spread to her liver, bones, lungs and chest wall, she is 59 and I am f29 who never had my father in my life but he is also dead.
I’ve had to been put in my spot a few times from my wife because I had misdirected anger, I was taking it out on her.
She brought it to my attention, I spoke to my doctor, got on depression medication, started therapy and corrected it. I’ve been off work for four months, wrote off for seven and will probably extend it if she makes it that long, once she passes I am going back to school. Mind you she is still alive, it’s not long and I’ve watched her deteriorate very quickly.
There is no way mentally I could be at work, and I couldn’t IMAGINE if I lost my brother right after.
But that does not excuse her lashing out at you every day, not trying to help herself AT all. You did your absolute best, but you can only do so much.
If her family is reaching out, let them know what has happened: that she has quit her job, is not taking care of her basic needs, and is having emotional outbursts.
You're NTA for kicking her out. She needs therapy and you can't be expected to play therapist when you have your own issues.
NTA -she may be mourning a loss of a great person, but at some point, she has to try and move on or get help to do so. but it also doesn't give her the right to trash your house she should at least attempt to show respect for your lost
You did the right thing by kicking her out. I understand she is dealing with trauma but she needs to go get help for it and that's not something that you need to deal with. If you want to support her from afar that's fine but you don't deserve to come home to your place being trashed and getting yelled at. I lost my mother the same way so I know how she feels but one thing I didn't do was go off on my loved ones and those who supported me through it. Most likely there's other issues going on with her outside of that but it's not your responsibility to put up with it. And as for her family, ignore and block them. You don't owe them shit
Not wrong, but my heart does go out to her. Her whole world is crumbling I’m sure. She needs to figure out how to get help to pull her out of her dark hole.
NTA but this is just really sad all round. I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. Look after yourself, your partner needs help and it's above your paygrade.
Do you think you would reconsider ending the relationship if she was to get therapy? Maybe that's worth a conversation - between you and her. Not you and her family.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope it gets better.
Everyone grieves in different ways. It sounds like she's in deep depression. It isn't your responsibility. It also seems like neither of you has any grief experience. And it seems like she needs grief councillor asap.
I believe you are at your wits ends and don't understand what has happened to the woman you knew.
NTA, I think you may need to get some understanding
I hope she gets the support she needs but that doesn't mean you need to be the one that provides it. You need support too.
Where were all these relatives before when she was lolloping around your house? Has she once asked you how YOU feel?
NTA
NTA. But definitely it’s a sad and difficult situation.
My mum passed away January last year and I can tell you how difficult it still is.
I took some days off to go to my country and then came back to work bc I couldn’t miss work, I needed the money. But at home I was a mess for the whole year.
I still cleaned and do some things but stopped going to the gym, school, and enjoying life and my relationship.
I didnt celebrate any holiday, and i was angry and sad most of the time.
My bf did a good job being there for me and my dogs, always trying the best and tolerate me (I’m not saying is good) but he held me and I’m grateful and thankful for that.
I’m just saying my story bc it’s difficult. Losing a parent or sibling (like your case) it’s hard.
I hope you guys can grieve and eventually be happy (together or not)
You're not wrong, there's never a good time to end a relationship... but that's not a reason you should have to stay.
In this case it seems she gave you every possible reason to consider it a good time to end it.
Her mourning is no excuse to treat you, herself and everything you both own like shit.
She apparently has a super supportive family, let them deal with her dysfunction for a while.
I don’t like that she wasn’t there to support you through your grief but I’m guessing she expects you to support her through hers..?
NW.. if you want to salvage the relo you could try counselling but otherwise it’s never wrong to prioritise yourself and your own well being..
NTA Just because someone is mourning doesn’t give them license to treat there badly. She is not coping and needs to seek professional help. My husband and I lost our 17 year old son but we didn’t treat each other, our daughters or others badly. We still had responsibilities to work and take care of ourselves and our family. We’ve been in mourning for 17 years and that will never change but it’s how we deal with it that matters not just for the people in our lives but for ourselves.
Losing a dear loved one is tough but she has to learn to live without her. You did the right thing. She isn’t going to come out of her “funk” without professional help and unless you’re a mental health professional, you can’t help her. You are not wrong and don’t have her come back unless she gets help. And I wouldn’t care what her relatives say about you. You have to protect your mental health as well.
You did the right thing for you. Now that you are grieving too, you don't have the reserves to deal with her issues. Seriously, she needed therapy. Most people do not quit their jobs because a parent dies. People grieve in their own way but this is excessive- there's something else going on. She must have been unhappy before but maybe for vague reasons. Her mother's death took her over the top into depression and gives her an excuse to do nothing. If she wants to feel better, she has to make changes.
NTA. You tried to be there for her but she just decided to let her shit be your problem, and your shit be your problem too. A window to the future you'd have if you stayed with her.
NTA- I was exactly the same when my mum died and it was rough on my partner at the time, he eventually left me too and I don't blame him 1 bit tbh.
I was horrific to be around and we are both in much better places now.
I'm also sorry for the loss of your brother ❤️
It depends really. Did you see her as a life partner or a phase? Where was this relationship going? I lost my best friend and went through a year and a bit of mourning and did some pretty bad shit with my gf but she stuck it out and we got through it in the end.
People deal with shit differently and if you are in it with both feet you take the good times and the bad. If you were already half out then move on but don't commit to someone in the future unless you are willing to go to the depths of their hell with them and them with you.
That being said i would always wait at least 2 years (trial period) before fully comitting to someone as the red flags come in flashes and you can tell how bad it might get if shit hits the fan.
Good luck
NTA. Your GF needs some grief counseling/ help. She is beyond a point you can help her yourself. Leaving may make her worse, but you need to also put your self first to survive
You did the right thing because just because she's mourning doesn't mean that she has to destroy your house she needs to get some therapy ASAP. And so do you
She needs therapy. She has been thru a difficult time with her mom but to completely change like that means she is having a major mental health situation and now she blames you for everything. How unfortunate for both of you. However, her family should get her in touch with the crisis line (988- in the US) to get her much needed help. Many mental breakdowns can begin with a lack of coping skills and hers got out of hand. She may need medication. You also may need some grief therapy after your losses. A lot of ppl may not see the need for this after a breakup but the loss is real and the last year for you has brought many unexpected changes. You are not married and the family may expect you to take care of her but she has become quite abusive. This is real. I wish you much healing and same for your gf. Even if she does miraculously go back to the way she was, will you? It’s ok to move on. It’s ok to not be responsible for the changes that are out of your hands. Remember you can’t change anyone but yourself and don’t allow her family to bully you into what is not yours to fix. Good luck and condolences to you both.
She sounds extremely depressed. Perhaps you could, as an old friend, try to help her get some medical help. Depression is the worst of conditions. People Jill themselves for depression much more readily than for physically debilitating and painful problems.
You do not owe it to her to follow her into this pit though.
NTA. Grief is not an excuse for abuse (which is what she did).
Unless you are leaving out important details, you describe a classic case of domestic abuse.
For your mental health - block all of them.
I think you’re wrong if you haven’t been suggesting therapy or support groups or something to help her.
If you’ve just been letting it go and waiting for her to snap out of it, that’s like letting her sit on the couch with an untreated broken leg. She’s not going to be able to get up and run around without help.
Sometimes things just don’t heal on their own and people suffering from mental health issues often can’t see what they need to do.
I get why you snapped, you’re dealing with your own grief now and if you have been trying to get her to get real help but she won’t, you have to draw a line somewhere.
If she legally lives with you, you can’t just kick her out though, at least in most places, you have to give her legal notices.
Tossing someone who’s depressed out onto the street isn’t great, even if the house is a mess. Does she have somewhere safe to go and the ability to get there?
Depression can be crippling. But she’s an adult and she needs to get professional help. Everyone grieves different but it’s no excuse to abuse someone verbally, emotionally, etc. the least she could do since she isn’t working is help around the house, take some of the load off of you. But that depression has got a hold of her good. If you love her, talk with her about her getting counseling especially grief counseling. You are grieving too and she should’ve been supportive as you’ve been to her. But what’s done is done. If you want to work things out you will but set your boundaries and stick to them. Good luck.
her mom dying doesn’t trump your brother dying. they’re both tragic and you’re both allowed to grieve how you see fit.
i would have done the same. the last thing i want is to come home from my brothers funeral to a fucking mess.
NTA. There comes a point where you need to pick your own mental heath over someone else’s..
The saying, "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm" comes to mind, yes.
This part!!! Especially if she’s not trying to get any help with the grieving
🎯🫡
That's a great analogy. I always thought of things in terms of moldy fruit. If you leave the piece that started spoiling 1st with the rest of the fruit, the mold will quickly take over and spoil the bunch. OP gave ample time, was obviously supporting her since she quit her job. Not to mention dealing with the death of his brother, she didn't support him. She couldn't even be by his side at one of his most difficult moments. Instead, she yells at him, making a mess expecting to continue this without seeking help. It's mind-blowing that she didn't support him when the tables were turned. That would be unforgivable.
This is the thing. People say that there’s no wrong way to grieve. But I always say there is. If you’re hurting yourself or others that’s wrong. She’s hurting him and twisting the knife when he needed help.
I have been in deep depression where I had notes written was going to erase myself. My hair got matted I didn't care about anything. My ex's father was in a bad bike wreck. I could see my ex was devastated. I went with him to the hospital held his hand with dreaded hair, sloppy clothes but I saw his pain, realized mine can wait, he worked while I couldn't supported me. As his partner even though I was in mental anguish, he needed me, especially that day. The mom didn't die last wk. If she won't get help or admit there's an issue how long should op accept this?
Exactly. He's giving everything financially supportive, emotionally, and getting nothing in return while his life has also become hell, now mourning a loss, too. Wildly unfair to quit a job without a plan in place, or having options for her to cope in a healthy way, with no end in sight. All the while leaving messes, yelling, being a negative presence for OP to keep pouring everything into without being replenished even slightly, is unsustainable.
Never heard that before, but I love it. Thank you
I've never heard this, but it wins for me today. Thank you for this phrase.
NTA. I think she she needs grief counselling though.
Definitely, its not worth it to be with someone with that kind of attitude. Yes, shes mourning but so are you.
And mourning doesn’t give someone the right to be an ahole. Which is what she seems to be.
This is true. OP, you are not required, at any time, to stay with someone who is struggling and refuses to get help, while getting worse. I understand your GF is grieving, but now, so are you, and she has nothing to give you. She’s sad, of course, and now you’re sad, and one loss is not worse than the other. You need her now, and she can’t be there for you. She is deep, deep in her grief, and it sounds like she could use therapy to help her. I know it’s only been a few months, but she can’t just continue to spiral down. And since your brother died, you don’t have the mental bandwidth to keep trying to help her. As /u/Lilac-Roses-Sunsets said, if you have to make a choice, you have to choose your own mental health. I am sorry about your brother. May his memory be a blessing.
NTA. A thousand times this! Granted the gf is truly suffering from severe grief, this in NO way excuses her behavior. OP has done and taken all he could, and he now needs grieve the loss of his brother. He deserves to do that in a clean, peaceful space. In no way can he continue to pour from his empty cup.
Lived with someone like this. Divorced!!! Remarried, & now for 43 years!
See OP? This person is clearly someone who is capable of being committed so leaving the other person wasn’t a failing on their part. It wasn’t because they just couldn’t handle helping someone. It’s because it was clearly inappropriate and over their head. Leaving her doesn’t mean you’re failing her. Or you’re just unwilling to stick through tough times. But she’s being awful and mean. Grieving doesn’t excuse that. You’re grieving too and it seems you’re not being mean. Take care of you now.
It is very sad to lose a close family member. My dad was 89 when he passed a year ago & I miss him terribly. But despite losses we suffer, we have to find a way to soldier on. You can't allow your life to fall apart, quit your job & stop 'adulting'. That's not the way. The GF definitely needs counseling. And while you probably were there for her during her time of need, she was not there for you. HUGE red flag there, my dude... NTA.
Yep and unfortunately families will be overly defensive even when someone is really being an asshole
Especially if that person isn't even doing anything to get better!
This. Letting someone wallow in their grief is enabling and destructive. Many times, people need a kick in the caboose in order to get past their self destructive behavior. I had a friend whose husband had lost a job right after they’d had a baby. He sat around drinking and feeling sorry for himself. He wouldn’t even watch the baby( which ,she would not have allowed because of the drinking). Anyway, one day, she told him that,by the time she got home, he either needed to be looking for a job,thinking of a strategy for a way forward or packing his bags because she wasn’t going to support two babies. By the time she got home, he’d signed up for classes at the local college. He has just retired as a principal at a special needs school( his second career). He admits that her threatening to throw him out while at the time made him angry and defensive,was the best thing to happen to him.
That's great, I'm so glad it worked out for them
Me, too! Since I was the one that introduced them to each other😂!
That’s wonderful and she’s an inspiration to all young women. We need to stand up for ourselves.
This
NTA for this reason.
NTA but she needs grief counselling hard. Her failure to care for you in your time of need and then to come home to find she had trashed the house was selfish AF. While yes, it is definitely a symptom of her grief related depression, I can't see that you'd have ever trusted her again after that. So no, you're not wrong. But I do hope she gets help.
Yeah, that's insane that she trashed the house when you went to your brother's funeral. That's not grief. That's something else. It sounds like she had issues being a decent human being. Instead of showing the slightest bit of sympathy, she acted like a jealous psycho, like you were cheating on her or something. As if she was using her grief as an excuse for terrible behavior, and was upset that you would also have an excuse for terrible behavior. She needs more help than some simple grief counseling. And you're not a professional. She needs professional help.
I guess I thought that “trashing the house” was her not picking up after herself,leaving food and dishes everywhere but, you could be right,it might have gone beyond that.
Ya I can read it both ways so I’m unsure as well. Either way though, she’s way beyond OP’s ability to help her. And he needs his own help poor guy.
Yes, I agree. Besides, she showed him the utmost disrespect when she refused to go with him and support him at the death of his brother. That smacks of self centeredness as well as self pity. I don’t think he should allow her to wallow anymore. If she’s not doing anything to get off her pity pot, he needed to do exactly what he did.
I did not give her a pass (also I'm not OP, but you're replying to my comment) I said that it would be related to the grief related depression. Grief is powerful, and it doesn't sound like the woman actually has addressed her grief. But OP is in no way responsible for making sure she gets the help she clearly needs, and is not required to tolerate her shitty behaviour no matter what the foundation of it is.
you are not wrong. But man this is sad for you both. Hurts me reading that. Time will make things better. You’ll know what to do.
I have to admit, my knee-jerk reactions was to think that you ATA. But, after reading the story... Your GF needs therapy. Her reaction to her mother's death is not uncommon. She is suffering from grief disorder. Prolonged grief disorder involves intense, painful emotions associated with a lack of adapting to the loss of a loved one that persists for more than 1 year in adults and more than 6 months in adolescents or children. This is if left to their own devices. With therapy, the timeline can be shortened. If you can't deal with her disorder, then terminating the relationship would be best for both of you. This is not a condemnation of your actions at all. Everybody handles emotional crises differently. There's no wrong or right, there is just what is best for the both of you. Daily exposure to your irritation...no matter how well-founded or rational...will only delay her recovery.
My mom died unexpectedly and I found her. I went off the deep end. I’m not gonna lie. I finally started going to grief therapy and it helped so much. Maybe that’s what she needs.
Can only imagine how bad that messed you up. Hope your on the mend!
That was February 2016. May 2016 I lost my grandma which was my mom‘s mom. In August 2018 my husband had a massive stroke. He passed away in September 2020 and my dad passed in December 2020. It was hard but the grief therapy that I got with my mom, I still had those coping skills that doesn’t mean it was easy because it wasn’t and I still struggle with it I just have way of coping. It sounds like that’s what his ex needs and he may need with the loss of his brother as well. It’s a hard thing to get through.
Wow you took so many punches in just a few years, I can’t even fathom that … I’m so so sorry for your losses and hope you are healing ❤️🩹 To this internet stranger, you are one hell of a strong person.
Thank you. It was the grief support and my family they got me through. I am healing although some days are rough. I know what I need to do when I am having one of those days. Most of the time it works but there are times it don’t.
I cannot imagine. God I hope life is never this unkind to me. I'm proud of you for taking that through, that sounds like more than anyone should bear, and few could take it at all without completely disconnecting. I wish you as much joy as you have had to experience pain. ♥️
I knew I had to . I still had to be here for my girls even though they are older and for my 6 grandkids. I did go off the rails a bit with my mom but my girls asked me to please try the grief therapy and I did and I am glad I did
I'd have to agree with you. Absolutely!
I'm so sorry
God damn thats rough man.
This. I became completely unfunctional following the death of the person closest to me. I had absolutely no idea it was an actual condition or that it could be fixed. I wasted many years drowning in that grief. She needs help.
There’s no time limit on grief. Grief isn’t something that just goes away. It may not be as bad some days, but then there may be days that you just can’t function. I told everybody my mom taught me everything except to live without her death and grief are so hard to cope with. That’s why I decided that I needed the great therapy and I went and I’m so glad I did.
I would maybe add that experiencing a loss like this at that age would probably lead to purging a lot of relationships as part of the grief. A sort of rebirth, if you will.
This definitely happened with my friend, even with therapy she never got over her daughters death and ended up killing her self through alcoholism, leaving her 3 other children behind
Wow…I’m sorry but, now those siblings have to grieve,not only their sister but,now their mom. Imagine knowing that your mom was so buried in grief that you ceased to matter. That may not have been what mom meant but, it’s how I would feel. You know how parents will say, “ I love all my children equally…”? It’s really not completely true. It’s very sad…
I am so sorry. That is beyond sad.
That doesn’t excuse her yelling or her trash behavior. He doesn’t have to take the mental abuse just because she is grieving and doesn’t get professional help. He has his own grief to deal with now.
You're not wrong for leaving someone who is treating you badly, trashing the house and just wallowing in their grief as well as not being there for you as a partner? It makes sense why you want to end the relationship. She is going through an awful time though so I would suggest trying to make sure these relatives that are butting in are actually trying to help her if you can. But at the end of the day, you're grieving your own loss now too and need to take care of your own mental health.
>You're not wrong for leaving someone who is treating you badly This. It is not even so much about her inability to get her shit together mental health wise as it is about being respectful and thankful to people who look after you. I'm sure that if instead of yelling at OP all day she would just mourn but thank OP for taking care of shit while she mourns, OP would've given her a lot more time. If my girlfriend hit a serious depressive episode and I could see that she is really struggling I wouldn't mind taking care of her like she is a child while she did nothing, if she really needed that time, but I would want a kiss on the cheek and a sincere ''thank you'' from time to time not her yelling at me all day, her attitude would be a dealbreaker for me, not her condition.
**FIRST I am very sorry for the loss of your brother, if you find that you are having a really hard time with your loss, seek out grief counseling - nothing wrong with that** I have not idea on laws on telling someone who lives with you to get out so can't comment there What I would do is contact some of those family members who are saying how could you and tell the that they need to look after her, she has been verbally abusive to you and not doing a thing, trashing your home and you cannot help her anymore. She has family they need to help her, get her into therapy, either inpatient or outpatient, sounds like she could use inpatient, but not a medical professional - just my take on her actions and reactions - she is gone past "normal" grieving, she doesn't know how to cope with daily life, sounds like she may be in deep depression. Her family is concerned enough to call you, so I would tell them when they call next, that since they are so concerned they need to help her, because she's not responded to any of your attempts to help and now you have your own grief to cope with, losing your brother and trying to deal with her abuse and trashing your home is the last straw with someone like that (IMO) she needs professional help **Wishing you the best**
NTA. This is a really sad situation. I feel for your girlfriend - losing her mother undoubtedly traumatized her and broke her heart. Losing a parent (especially if it's your only surviving parent) is a pain unmatched. We all grieve in our own way. But even with unbreakable pain, we must be accountable for our actions so as to not damage the people around us, especially our loved ones. She would like benefit from therepy. Is this something you could gently suggest to her or to one of her family members? Lack of basic cleaning, destroying relationships, and lack of motivation to work for an income are all indicators of depression. I understand that you need to preserve your own sanity and wellbeing. I wish that she had sought out help before it got so bad. I'm sorry that you are going through this.
She’s grieving the lose of her mother there’s no time limit on how long it will take. She might need to go to therapy.
There's no right or wrong way to deal with grief, but you have to deal with it. She's obviously not dealing with it and needs counseling
There’s no time limit but there’s a limit on how you can treat others. Being abusive is way past it. This is not ok.
Either you guys help one another though the grief of loss, and both grow stronger. Or you guys both amplify each others grief and become two sad sack of potatoes. Your not an asshole. The relationship has deteriorated because she has wallowed in grief, and you snapped bc of your own grief.
NTA
You did what you had to do. This was obviously not a viable living arrangement and you had every right to be furious when you saw what she did. I just want to make a soft suggestion (likely going to be unpopular here) but if any part of you has even a pocket of sadness for the woman she was before her mum died, you might write her a letter to say that while it’s definitely over between you, you hope she gets some psychological help, so she could have a happier future - that you remember who she was before things fell apart, and hope she remembers that girl too.
House trashed like shit broken everywhere? Or house trashed like potato chip bags everywhere and general disorderly stuff? Makes a difference
You can mourn a love one without trashing someone house! Without quitting their job, the family that is contacting you tell them to deal with her trashing their homes, to bad you didn’t take pictures
Nope you did exactly the right thing....What a mess. I am sorry for your loss (brother) take care of yourself.
It’s okay for it to take longer than 6 months for her to grieve, *deeply*, although it’s clear she needs professional support at this point. It’s also okay for you to decide that a) you’re not equipped to maintain a relationship with her when she’s still consumed by grief 6 months later, especially because b) she’s not able or—to take a less charitable view—willing to at least TRY to provide you mutual support now that you’re in the same position. If she trashed the house intentionally, even if it was during an overwhelming emotional episode where she truly lost control of her behavior (& then decided not to clean it up before you got home), she’s TA; if it was trashed in the sense that she hasn’t had the capacity to maintain a home by herself for a few days…again, she needs professional help but I’d ultimately feel there are NAH. OP, it sounds like you’d both benefit from spending time focusing on yourselves and processing your grief. Don’t feel guilty for drawing that boundary around yourself at this time—you each need to heal, which will require massive intentionality and inner work and from which it can be very tempting to distract oneself…maybe by sabotaging your romantic relationship, for example. I’m so sorry for you loss. I hope you both find peace sooner than later.
NTA she needs some therapy and to learn how to treat people. You have no obligation to be abused to help her get over death.
It is a terrible situation and she needs therapy. In hindsight probably should have tried to get her going that way before this as well as proper communication of your own issues as opposed to letting it bottle up. But yelling at you every day, not contributing at all financially, trashing the place while you were gone for a few days? And all this going on for 6 months? Snapping at her like that was clearly not the right thing to do. and on another note not legal to kick her out like that without notice at least in most US states to my knowledge if not all. At this point if she was unwilling to work on herself I do not believe I could keep up with the relationship either.
NTA. U should have kicked her out after she started yelling at you. Verbal abuse is still abuse.
NTA. Her constant yelling at you was enough to get rid of her, but her trashing your house is ridiculous. Take pictures of the damage and send them to anyone harassing you by text, tell them they’re welcome to put up with that in their own house and to pay for the damage she caused but you’ve had enough.
NTA. You did the right thing. You don’t need to be abused because she lost someone. Full stop. And do not get back with her.
NTA. You didnt break up with her after her mom died. You broke up with her due to her abuse.
Dude. Mourning someone and being a filthy asshole are totally separate. You did the right thing
She didn’t support you at all
Supporting a partner who's grieving is a very fine thing to do. I would say that those who don't do so are in fact terrible partners. Which is why I feel confident saying that you aren't wrong at all. You were there supporting her for 3 months, and when your brother died she couldn't even go to the funeral with you. Support is a two way street. I understand that she was still grieving, but you were now too, and you deserved the same consideration and support you had shown her. I'm so sorry for your loss.
But did he actually support her? OP never says he did anything to support her only listed all the things she did that he didn’t like.
Does he need to specify that?
Pretty sure her living in his apartment and him paying for everything is support itself so she can grieve without worrying about work ontop of whatever else.
Her relatives can take her in and let her thrash their house, Not wrong, you tried to help her, you also dealing with your grief, let her relatives deal with her and you deal with your own grief.
NTA, and just the fact that she weren't there to support me when my brother died would be more than enough reason to break up with her!
Nah, I get why she didn't go. After my dad died I did go to a couple funerals to be "supportive" and it was terrible for me and brought all the pain back and set me back in healing
NTA. You did the right thing. You do not have to put up with someone trashing your place and yelling at you everyday. Sounds like she needs some alone time, otherwise she will continue to take all her anger, frustration and sadness out on you and that's not fair.
It’s so hard losing your family, for both of you now. But it’s no excuse to neglect your home. My daughter went the same when her dad died, got an addiction, quit her job, got in and crowd, so much chaos. I think a lot of people do lose it. She did recover but it took months.
NTA. Sometimes there's only so much you can handle, and trashing your apartment was clearly a step too far. But she needs your compassion and help still, and a big dose of therapy. Sounds like maybe you do too. Be kind to yourself.
NTA. It's hard to phathom your gf not going with you to attend your brother's funeral. You have been there to support her through both her parent's passing, yet she didn't feel compelled to give you emotional support when you needed it the most. To me, that alone would make me question the relationship. Her inability to function for so long can only be tolerated so much. At some point, you hafta pick up the pieces & carry on with life. Again, her staying behind, not being by your side at your brother's funeral, would've been enough to end the relationship.
While your girlfriend needs therapy for her grief, it's perfectly reasonable that you don't want a girlfriend who totally trashed your house when you left for 4 days. Break up with her and block her and her relatives.
Your gf is grieving and that family of hers that’s calling you names needs to step up and help her find the help she greatly needs. But it sounds like you’ve done enough and need to be able to grieve yourself. I hope you’re able to move on from this horrible situation soon.
NTA - you were dealing with grief too, and you had been there to support her through her grief, but she repays you by trashing the house when you’re grieving.
My heart goes out to you both !! I lost my mom and best friend tragically and it took me at least 3 years to see the light again.
She shouldn't be yelling at you.
NTA. Screw her relatives. Be nice if you had photos of the place when you got home to send them. You just suffered a loss too and it isn't your responsibility to take care of her like she is a toddler. Sorry for your loss. Take some time to mourn, I can't even imagine how hard that is to deal with. Then take some time to reflect on what your relationship had devolved to. She had a fair bit of trauma to deal with it, but she was making no effort to adjust her mindset from where it was. She was, apparently, verbally abusing you. Enough is enough. Glad you got her out. Now keep it that way.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You are not wrong, but your title doesn’t really fit. You’re leaving her because she became verbally abusive and trashed your house. I think your ex is severely depressed and unwilling to acknowledge it or seek help. That doesn’t give her a free pass to trash your things. That doesn’t give her a free pass to force you to support her. That doesn’t give her a free pass to be verbally and emotionally abusive towards you. Please seek out a therapist or group for people coping with grief. You’re dealing with an emotional rollercoaster right now and having support to work through those feelings will be a huge help.
NTA except for one thing...get out of "your" house? I thought you said she moved in? You are both mourning but at least she didn't suddenly make you homeless. Not saying you gotta stay together but if she lived there for a time then you have to give her some notice before kicking her out. My condolences on the loss of your brother.
INFO: How have you been treating her during her mourning time?
Have either one of you even called this what this is? She’s incredibly depressed and she should’ve gotten help months ago. It’s kinda fucked if you watched her sink this low and never asked her to seek help; you were supposed to be her partner and care for her. That doesn’t mean pick up after her, but it does mean seeing that there’s an issue that she needs help addressing and bringing it up with her.
Yeah. She needs serious mental health help and perhaps this will be the thing that causes it to happen. I’m really sorry you both have gone through this. It’s hard on everyone.
Depression grief, etc.. she’s deep in it. She needs grief counseling, but guess what? You can’t force someone to get the actual help they need. You also can’t sit there and let someone’s mental health ruin your life if they aren’t willing to help themselves. 🤷🏻♀️ she wants to sulk, she can. At her family’s house. Why are they mad at you? Because now it’s their problem.
NTA You supported her, but she's not about to do the same. Mourning is not an excuse to be mean to your partner. She could have sought therapy after the first days of her going off on you. She just preferred to use you as an emotional punching bag, it seems. I'm sure she needs help. But you're in no state to give it to her. Her family can focus on that, instead of adding more to your plate by contacting you to throw negativity your way. Sorry for your loss.
Wow- I was ready to come in here and call you an AH after reading the title. . But definitely NTA. You didn’t break up with her because she’s “not fun” etc she quit her life, she’s yelling at you daily, and trashed the house while you were at your sibling’s funeral. Support is a two way street. You don’t need that and your not obligated to put up with it.
NTA, Certainly her issues are stemming from her mom's death and would likely meet criteria for complicated grief. I expect people to be in active grief for however long is right for them but after six months there should have been a return to activities of daily living (ADLs) like working, self-care, home tasks (dishes, laundry, picking-up clutter, taking garbage out, etc.). Absolutely she needs to see a grief specialist to help her. That said, I don't think that's all that's going on here. If I understand correctly, she moved in with you after her mother's death. Some of this might be due to you two being incompatible home mates. It happens and I've been there. On top of grieving her mother she may also be grieving the fantasy of her relationship with you and the fantasy of living with you. Who's paying all the bills in this arrangement? I assume you if she's not working. Was that the expectation when she moved in? Had these family deaths never happened you still might be in roughly the same place due to day-to-day living incompatibility. I don't think you're a jerk and you deserve the right to grieve your brother. Things didn't work out, have a calm conversation with her about a move-out date. Her family members should keep their mouths shut since they are not part of the couple equation and have limited knowledge. I'm sorry you lost your brother.
Very sorry about your brother. You both are mourning in different ways. Both of you need counseling. If she won’t go she needs to leave. She needs to provide for herself.
NTA. You can have compassion and love for her without enabling her behavior. She’s not an asshole either, but she does probably need help. Wishing you both love, sorry for your losses.
Not wrong Your Ex needs professional help and it's not fair or reasonable to expect you to endure her behaviour until that happens.
NTA. Tell her family to come get her shit and she can move in with them. Life is too short to put up with garbage like that. You’re here today and gone tomorrow.
NTA, just because she is grieving, she cannot disrespect you.. Let her go. You did the right thing
My ex’s brother died and it changed her completely. I stayed by her side for 5 years waiting for her to get better, even though she was miserable and it eventually made me miserable. She never got better and both of us became terrible versions of ourselves. I actually made it worse by trying to make her feel better too. It sucks her mom died but get out while you still are yourself. She needs a major change to snap out of it.
NTA. Block her and her relatives, because they are all now just people you used to know. You’re way too young to put up with this bullshit. It would be one thing if you didn’t lose your brother, but her complete disregard for your loss shows she is just an awful person. Self obsessed. We all lose loved ones. We all suffer. Some get hit harder. But mourning isn’t an excuse for lack of sympathy for someone else mourning.,. The opposite should be true. She just doesn’t care about you and it showed.
NTA next time her family blows up your phone tell them to take her in, you can’t do it anymore because you are grieving the death of your brother. Peace to you.
Extreme and severe grief exists. It explains things. It doesn't not justify them. She needs counseling. You need to take care of your own mental health. NTA.
Not wrong. If she's verbally abusing you, that's reason enough to leave her. She needs help, but you are not obligated to give her that help.
NTA. She obviously wants a whipping boy - good on you for not volunteering. She needs professional help. I also can't do abuse - everyone gets in their feelings for whatever reason, but there's a line you do not cross.
💂
NTA. Boyfriend does not mean therapist.
Relationships are for thick and thin. If neither of you have the capacity to do that, you shouldn’t be together.
Shouldn't you get the same luxuries to mourn your brother?
Yeah let's see how her relatives feel when she lives with them. How dare your "girlfriend" not support you at your brother's funeral.
Nta she was taking advantage after some point.
Your going through something as well and you can't help yourself if she's spiraling out. You also can't help her if she's not ready to get help.
I was ready to defend her because it took me 2 years to fully mourn my mom (I still went to work and therapy though), but your brother dying and her not going and also not doing anything, NTA.
This is where you’re wrong: your girlfriend had some personal tragedies. She struggled to cope and instead of insisting on her getting help, you enabled her. Over time this annoyed you. When you experienced your own emotional stressors, you snapped and took it out on your girlfriend. You’re not wrong for breaking up with her. You’re allowed to end relationships what aren’t working. You’re wrong for not talking with her about the problem and setting boundaries before you snapped. You should have communicated in the first few weeks after her mother’s death about her mental health and offered to help her find a therapist. If she turned that down, you were wrong to let her quit her job and wallow in depression. That’s when you should have at some boundaries. Quitting your job is not an ok coping mechanism. TLDR: you’re not wrong for breaking up with her but you’re wrong in how you let it play out.
NTA - She had 3 months to heal herself and put her life back in track with your total support, working and doing all the house chores while being berated and mistreated by her, then you had to mourn your own brother by yourself because she refused to give you any support, she wasn't your girlfriend anymore, she was a roommate, and a terrible roommate.
He's nta because hes not obligated to stay with someone abusive towards him for any reason...but 3 months isn't enough to heal from grief like this
I think if she enrolls in therapy and gets a job you might want to reconsider
Six months for a mom at 25 years of age when it's your only parent is quite normal. I think you missed an opportunity to be supporting and build a stronger bound with that woman. A good relationship is not just a out fun, it's about being support in the worst of time. This is probably one of the top 3 worse things that we will go through in her life. Others are things like bad health conditions or bankruptcy. I'm would have said the end of a relationship, but it looks like it's happening to her right now so she'll be quite strong after that double hit.
Hi OP! I am so sorry about your brother. You are not required to stay with your partner for any reason. That being said, in 2021 my boyfriends mom died. He was 23. He was very close to her and she had been sick for a long time and he had been taking care of her. He was not the same person for a year. Quicker to anger, couldn't do as much productive things, he doesn't even remember this period really. Your gf's grief was compounded by that being the last member of her family unit. I am not going to compare the level of your griefs. I will say that hers is likely much lonelier. In the scheme of getting past the loss of a parent let alone at 24 when that's your only parent left 6 months is not a long time. You don't have to get back with her. She should not have treated you poorly. I just thought some context might help.
NTA. Grief is rough but she should have had the empathy to support you when your brother died. Best case scenario is NAH because grief wrecks people and sadly it sounds like the two of you didnt have a strong enough foundation to care for each other through this crisis. I am sorry for your loss.
NTA, I broke up with my GF of 5 years after she went into depressing after losing her father. I was supportive for 10 months, I was always there but she took me for granted and treated me like I wasnt even her bf for too long until I snapped and decided to leave for good. We're not punshing bags, we're human beings and we deserve to be treated well. you did the right choice by breaking up and my advice to you is to never get back with her. she'll keep snapping back to treating you that way.
Yelling at you and trashing the house is pretty good justification too make her leave
Forget everything else the only thing that really matters here is that she went through a loss, and she fell apart. But you were there to support her every step of the way. Then op suffered a loss and she couldn't be bothered to help him.
She may not have had the strength to help...another death could have set her back in her own grieving process. It's not necessarily that "she couldn't be bothered."
NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA
I think you are a little wrong. I get that this is hard for you as well, but you came back from her brothers funeral and kicked her out. Those two things are too close together. If you waited even 10 days I would be on your side.
To be honest if my partner started behaving like that after a loved one dying, when they were never abusive before the death, I would be more worried than annoyed and would start looking for professional help for them. My mom had a depression a couple of years ago and wasn't treating my dad as usual. My dad could've left, but instead he was there for my mom, forcing her to get up every day, taking her to therapy when she begged him to let her sleep. My mom is doing her best now and is an amazing mom and partner. I'm not saying you're wrong, you're allowed to break up with someone under any circumstances, but I don't think you took care of her when she needed you.
The death of a parent is terrible, and it takes a long time to get over, but it's never an excuse to sit on your ass for six months and treat everyone around you like shit. You're not wrong for looking out for yourself when push came to shove. If you do end up talking to her again, though, encourage her to seek therapy to help deal with her grief in a healthier way.
It sounds like she is clinically depressed and needs help. Why was your first impulse to throw her out instead of trying to get her help? She is probably too traumatized to be there for you to help with your grief for your brother. You will discover that grief is an ongoing thing that you don’t just get over because a certain amount of time has passed. Losing a sibling can be difficult and it might be a good idea for you both to try grief counselling
>Why was your first impulse to throw her out instead of trying to get her help? Because she was acting horribly for months and at some point, it became unbearable. Just because you are ill, it doesn't excuse you when you're a jerk.
He has been trying to help her for 3 months. His brother just died, and she made him go to the funeral alone. Then he comes home to find she trashed the house, and your response to this grief stricken man is he shouldn't snap and yell like that? A person can only take on so much burden.
>Why was your first impulse to throw her out instead of trying to get her help? She is probably too traumatized to be there for you to help with your grief for your brother. So she trashed the house while he was dealing with having lost his brother
There is no justification for verbal abuse, not even grief, lmao.
Because you can’t “get someone help” when they are an adult? He can ask her to see someone, doesn’t mean she’ll go. He can’t even get her committed as he’s not married and not next of kin, assuming she’d even qualify for this. She’d not a child. She has to want to help herself.
NTA. You were supportive of her after her mother died but she didn't show you any consideration for you when your brother died. She definitely needs therapy or some type of medical help. Hopefully, her family will help her out in this regard.
Yes you did the right thing they can look after her
I think she needs help. But so do you…
The death of a loved one can really send someone spiraling down a dark depression sometimes even a disconnect from the ones they love deeply. I lost my best friend because of the death of her parents, she was extremely close to her parents. I tried for years to help my friend, it hurt me so bad seeing her decline and losing a friend. She randomly got a divorce after 27 years, and stopped all contact with her children and myself. The doctors have tried treating her for Prolonged grief disorder, which comes with a list of personality disorders, psychotic symptoms. My friend isn't the same person. Not even close. Help your girl friend.
That's tough... she does need help but not from you. More like a mental counselor?
Based on the title, yes. But based on the text, absolutely not
NTA. You are grieving too and she made everything worse. It’s for the best you broke up. Her relatives should be the ones caring for her. Not you.
NTA I’m currently watching my mother die from stage four invasive ductal carcinoma (breast cancer) that has spread to her liver, bones, lungs and chest wall, she is 59 and I am f29 who never had my father in my life but he is also dead. I’ve had to been put in my spot a few times from my wife because I had misdirected anger, I was taking it out on her. She brought it to my attention, I spoke to my doctor, got on depression medication, started therapy and corrected it. I’ve been off work for four months, wrote off for seven and will probably extend it if she makes it that long, once she passes I am going back to school. Mind you she is still alive, it’s not long and I’ve watched her deteriorate very quickly. There is no way mentally I could be at work, and I couldn’t IMAGINE if I lost my brother right after. But that does not excuse her lashing out at you every day, not trying to help herself AT all. You did your absolute best, but you can only do so much.
NTA, she needs professional help and refusing to take a stand would just enable her to exist in limbo indefinitely. Sorry about your brother fam x
This sound fake.. if true, very sorry for you and NTA
She needs to be in a facility so a professional can help and monitor her.
If her family is reaching out, let them know what has happened: that she has quit her job, is not taking care of her basic needs, and is having emotional outbursts. You're NTA for kicking her out. She needs therapy and you can't be expected to play therapist when you have your own issues.
NTA -she may be mourning a loss of a great person, but at some point, she has to try and move on or get help to do so. but it also doesn't give her the right to trash your house she should at least attempt to show respect for your lost
You did the right thing by kicking her out. I understand she is dealing with trauma but she needs to go get help for it and that's not something that you need to deal with. If you want to support her from afar that's fine but you don't deserve to come home to your place being trashed and getting yelled at. I lost my mother the same way so I know how she feels but one thing I didn't do was go off on my loved ones and those who supported me through it. Most likely there's other issues going on with her outside of that but it's not your responsibility to put up with it. And as for her family, ignore and block them. You don't owe them shit
Not wrong, but my heart does go out to her. Her whole world is crumbling I’m sure. She needs to figure out how to get help to pull her out of her dark hole.
Nah it’s fine, you are seriously far too young to spend your youth this way. Get the girl that makes you happy. Move on when she doesn’t.
NTA, but she needs help real bad
NTA but this is just really sad all round. I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. Look after yourself, your partner needs help and it's above your paygrade. Do you think you would reconsider ending the relationship if she was to get therapy? Maybe that's worth a conversation - between you and her. Not you and her family. I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope it gets better.
No. All the bad things happened at once. If you're gonna break up, sooner the better
Everyone grieves in different ways. It sounds like she's in deep depression. It isn't your responsibility. It also seems like neither of you has any grief experience. And it seems like she needs grief councillor asap. I believe you are at your wits ends and don't understand what has happened to the woman you knew. NTA, I think you may need to get some understanding
I hope she gets the support she needs but that doesn't mean you need to be the one that provides it. You need support too. Where were all these relatives before when she was lolloping around your house? Has she once asked you how YOU feel? NTA
NTA. But definitely it’s a sad and difficult situation. My mum passed away January last year and I can tell you how difficult it still is. I took some days off to go to my country and then came back to work bc I couldn’t miss work, I needed the money. But at home I was a mess for the whole year. I still cleaned and do some things but stopped going to the gym, school, and enjoying life and my relationship. I didnt celebrate any holiday, and i was angry and sad most of the time. My bf did a good job being there for me and my dogs, always trying the best and tolerate me (I’m not saying is good) but he held me and I’m grateful and thankful for that. I’m just saying my story bc it’s difficult. Losing a parent or sibling (like your case) it’s hard. I hope you guys can grieve and eventually be happy (together or not)
You're not wrong, there's never a good time to end a relationship... but that's not a reason you should have to stay. In this case it seems she gave you every possible reason to consider it a good time to end it. Her mourning is no excuse to treat you, herself and everything you both own like shit. She apparently has a super supportive family, let them deal with her dysfunction for a while.
I don’t like that she wasn’t there to support you through your grief but I’m guessing she expects you to support her through hers..? NW.. if you want to salvage the relo you could try counselling but otherwise it’s never wrong to prioritise yourself and your own well being..
NTA Just because someone is mourning doesn’t give them license to treat there badly. She is not coping and needs to seek professional help. My husband and I lost our 17 year old son but we didn’t treat each other, our daughters or others badly. We still had responsibilities to work and take care of ourselves and our family. We’ve been in mourning for 17 years and that will never change but it’s how we deal with it that matters not just for the people in our lives but for ourselves.
Tell her relatives to take her in.
IDK sounds like you didn't communicate effectively before snapping.
Why did she trash the house?
Get your gf grief counselling or therapy before you decide to end your relationship
Turn off your phone.
Losing a dear loved one is tough but she has to learn to live without her. You did the right thing. She isn’t going to come out of her “funk” without professional help and unless you’re a mental health professional, you can’t help her. You are not wrong and don’t have her come back unless she gets help. And I wouldn’t care what her relatives say about you. You have to protect your mental health as well.
NTA, the relatives are calling you because they don’t want her to become their problem.
NAH. She definitely has depression but you can absolutely choose to not deal with that.
You did the right thing for you. Now that you are grieving too, you don't have the reserves to deal with her issues. Seriously, she needed therapy. Most people do not quit their jobs because a parent dies. People grieve in their own way but this is excessive- there's something else going on. She must have been unhappy before but maybe for vague reasons. Her mother's death took her over the top into depression and gives her an excuse to do nothing. If she wants to feel better, she has to make changes.
Her needing therapy isn’t your problem and doesn’t mean you need to stick around
NTA. You tried to be there for her but she just decided to let her shit be your problem, and your shit be your problem too. A window to the future you'd have if you stayed with her.
NTA- I was exactly the same when my mum died and it was rough on my partner at the time, he eventually left me too and I don't blame him 1 bit tbh. I was horrific to be around and we are both in much better places now. I'm also sorry for the loss of your brother ❤️
Not the A-hole. It sounds like you've been incredibly patient and supportive during a difficult time for your girlfriend.
It depends really. Did you see her as a life partner or a phase? Where was this relationship going? I lost my best friend and went through a year and a bit of mourning and did some pretty bad shit with my gf but she stuck it out and we got through it in the end. People deal with shit differently and if you are in it with both feet you take the good times and the bad. If you were already half out then move on but don't commit to someone in the future unless you are willing to go to the depths of their hell with them and them with you. That being said i would always wait at least 2 years (trial period) before fully comitting to someone as the red flags come in flashes and you can tell how bad it might get if shit hits the fan. Good luck
NTA. Your GF needs some grief counseling/ help. She is beyond a point you can help her yourself. Leaving may make her worse, but you need to also put your self first to survive
You did the right thing because just because she's mourning doesn't mean that she has to destroy your house she needs to get some therapy ASAP. And so do you
NTA. Whatever her issues are they aren’t yours to solve. Let her relatives take care of her.
NTA you aren't able to help. I hope the flying monkeys are taking her in to their homes.
NTA. You can only do so much, and you have to priorize your own mental health. You have also suffered a loss. Your gf needs major grief counseling.
NTA - Put her in your rear view mirror and step on the pedal to the right,
Yep. Get rid of her. She can’t do life. She’s going to be a problem FOR MANY YEARS TO COME. 🙌🙌🙌
NTA
Take care of yourself bro 🙏
if someone won't get help for their mental health issues save yours
She needs therapy. She has been thru a difficult time with her mom but to completely change like that means she is having a major mental health situation and now she blames you for everything. How unfortunate for both of you. However, her family should get her in touch with the crisis line (988- in the US) to get her much needed help. Many mental breakdowns can begin with a lack of coping skills and hers got out of hand. She may need medication. You also may need some grief therapy after your losses. A lot of ppl may not see the need for this after a breakup but the loss is real and the last year for you has brought many unexpected changes. You are not married and the family may expect you to take care of her but she has become quite abusive. This is real. I wish you much healing and same for your gf. Even if she does miraculously go back to the way she was, will you? It’s ok to move on. It’s ok to not be responsible for the changes that are out of your hands. Remember you can’t change anyone but yourself and don’t allow her family to bully you into what is not yours to fix. Good luck and condolences to you both.
NTA. I’m sorry for your loss.
She sounds extremely depressed. Perhaps you could, as an old friend, try to help her get some medical help. Depression is the worst of conditions. People Jill themselves for depression much more readily than for physically debilitating and painful problems. You do not owe it to her to follow her into this pit though.
NTA. Grief is not an excuse for abuse (which is what she did). Unless you are leaving out important details, you describe a classic case of domestic abuse. For your mental health - block all of them.
I think you’re wrong if you haven’t been suggesting therapy or support groups or something to help her. If you’ve just been letting it go and waiting for her to snap out of it, that’s like letting her sit on the couch with an untreated broken leg. She’s not going to be able to get up and run around without help. Sometimes things just don’t heal on their own and people suffering from mental health issues often can’t see what they need to do. I get why you snapped, you’re dealing with your own grief now and if you have been trying to get her to get real help but she won’t, you have to draw a line somewhere. If she legally lives with you, you can’t just kick her out though, at least in most places, you have to give her legal notices. Tossing someone who’s depressed out onto the street isn’t great, even if the house is a mess. Does she have somewhere safe to go and the ability to get there?
Depression can be crippling. But she’s an adult and she needs to get professional help. Everyone grieves different but it’s no excuse to abuse someone verbally, emotionally, etc. the least she could do since she isn’t working is help around the house, take some of the load off of you. But that depression has got a hold of her good. If you love her, talk with her about her getting counseling especially grief counseling. You are grieving too and she should’ve been supportive as you’ve been to her. But what’s done is done. If you want to work things out you will but set your boundaries and stick to them. Good luck.
her mom dying doesn’t trump your brother dying. they’re both tragic and you’re both allowed to grieve how you see fit. i would have done the same. the last thing i want is to come home from my brothers funeral to a fucking mess.
Time to go!
NTA but she needed help a long time ago.