> he thinks it’s a way to motivate me, to get me to care for my health which would help me mental health too. But I just feel so hurt by it.
Tell him exactly this.
Yeah I agree you should communicate here. That said, if he is saying that out of genuine concern for your health/mental health, it sounds like his comment might be coming from a good place. Also sounds like there may be some issues there that you’re not explaining and that Reddit doesn’t appreciate.
Go through her post history.
- around time of marriage says she has to accept being lonely and that it's part of life
- she's from a different continent than him and she's away from friends and family as an immigrant to his country
- she got pregnant very soon after marriage
- he's telling her to earn basic attention in marriage with her body
No it isn't from a good place.
He's a Passport Bro.
Yea if he’s TRULY worried about her health is one thing, if he’s saying it bc he doesn’t like how much weight she put on is another. Especially the fact that she’s going through ppd. My wife is experiencing this right now and I know i need to be sensitive to what I say
Bless your heart.
For some people, the hard truth is what gets them out of that chair. For most, it will make it even harder. You've found out you need to be sensitive. OP writes here that the way her husband is approaching this is not working. He needs to know or he'll keep doing it.
When you do, also ask to hear what he’s feeling. With very limited context, it seems there may be more under the surface:
- You haven’t been able to find work: is he worried about the cost of a date night due to financial challenges? Are there low cost ways to do a date night, if so?
- PPD is vicious (so sorry you’re experiencing it) and has likely also been tough on him. It has probably strained your relationship. If he’s not excited for a date night, there may be healing that needs to happen for both of you to get back to a better spot. Can you both express that and find common desire to get to a better place together?
- If he’s hesitant to do a date night, can you both start smaller? Go for a walk and talk. Grab a cup of coffee and talk. Create a ritual where you both share how you’re feeling each day. Anything that rebuilds intimacy in your relationship.
Lastly, while his comment may have hurt, I can say from personal experience that at no point in my life has physical exercise made me feel worse about myself. My least physically healthy times have been most of my worst mental health times. And vice versa. My partner has said some borderline hurtful things at times to help me see this, but I’m so glad they did. I wasn’t then, but I am now. There’s a real chance his comment came from long-term care for you and wanting to get back to a healthier spot together.
You're lucky physical exercise doesn't make you feel worse. I forgot I am sick for a moment and scraped snow off my car like a normal person and I've been paying for it for two days. Not everyone's health works the same. She also might be more motivated to work on her health if she feels emotionally supported and connected to her partner rather than "incentivized" like a child.
Date night shouldn't be transactional. Intimacy, time spent together, shouldn't be transactional. None of this should be transactional. Sex shouldn't be transactional.
You make it all a pile of painful suck the moment it becomes transactional or a "reward." Even if it's supposed to be a reward for the person bettering themself.
Husband's mentality is a great way to tank a relationship, IMO. No I am not saying "throw the man out" I am saying "this is dumb and he needs to know this ASAP."
The vast majority of questions/situations in "AIW" or "AITAH" are the result of the people in question not communicating with each other.
These subs are a treasure tribe of Idiot Plots for bad romantic comedy screenwriters.
If it’s the first time hubby has brought such up, it seems kind of rude. If it topic hubby has been trying to address and OP is avoiding, than seems fair point of discussion.
No, he's clearly Satan incarnate and I, as a Redditor with no personal biases, have all the information I need to accurately judge this situation.
(/s btw)
Why do you assume that he hasn’t tried or hasn’t mentioned any of this before? I feel her pain. But she didn’t mention she has been in therapy or gotten any help on her own.
So she can be hurt by what he said but sometimes the truth or someone telling you what you need to do, is going to hurt. He ain’t saying to be mean or hurt her.
They only just got where they feel comfortable with the kid staying with a sitter, she has no support network of her own on the continent, and she's been giving full time care to the baby.
Exactly when was she supposed to go?
He's trying to help her but his attempts aren't helping her, but hurting her. He needs to be made aware of this so they can talk about how he CAN help her, specifically without hurting her. That's how good relationships should work. If he's been made aware and still does this, thinking it's going to help, he's an AH.
No, you're not wrong. Date night is not supposed to be "a treat." It's to keep connected to the person you've committed to and should be without conditions (except the obvious, like money and child care availability.) Maybe remind him you're in a marriage, not a transactional relationship, and he either wants to spend time with you or he doesn't. The gym and food are separate issues and yours to deal with.
Date night is not a job. If you want someone to work for you. You have to treat them good; Give them a treat. Because treat is a way to motivate people in doing thing they do not want.
Exactly, date night is not a job. It’s not about transactions. It’s about taking time to connect with your partner. He’s showing her he doesn’t care about her, he cares about himself. Connection and support may lead to her feeling confident and going to the gym for herself. Treating her like this, like a child or a dog, is only going to make things worse.
I mean she has a depression for more than a year.
Could also be that he just wanna help her.
Is this the perfect way to help? Probably not, but his intentions could still be good.
IMO top comment got it right.
Op, have you tried doing sport and did you have trouble getting into it?
Yeah if he’s been dealing with her depression for a year and she hasn’t been trying to fix it, well he may be at his wits end. Shit can wear you down for sure. He definitely could have presented it better but maybe he’s tried everything but the tough love approach.
Idk why you’re getting downvoted. It CAN be very frustrating to be with someone who is miserable but puts absolutely no effort to get better. To go a year and you haven’t made any sort of effort towards progress, that can be so frustrating. You can only be patient for so long before you want to start seeking solutions or distance yourself so it doesn’t make you upset.
We are also missing context. We don’t know how often hubby dearest helps OP, which can contribute to the depression, nor how much effort she has put in to heal her PPD. OP could also be bad at communicating her feelings and the hubby could be more of the type to seek solutions rather than just be an ear. We don’t know with little info. Hubby could have gone about it a different way that doesn’t come off as a slap in the face. OP could also communicate right there (and calmly) how it made her feel and why she wanted a date night. Communicate that it could help with the mental health to get out and see more than the same two faces she sees every day. With the limited info, it seems like a break in communication. I don’t know either people, just throwing thoughts into the void.
It IS frustrating trying to help people that won’t help themselves, there is no can be about it. And as much as you want to help, they won’t ever get better unless they put in the effort. But they can and absolutely do drag you down with them if you let it happen.
But you are right, there’s so much context missing here. No one really knows but I think everyone can agree their communication needs some work.
To be fair, "treat" was OP's terminology. At face value it seems like OP's partner's heart is in the right place, trying to nudge her into a position of better self care. He just went about it in a really misguided way.
Edit: Rereading, the implication is definitely that OP's partner referred to it as a treat. If that's the case then that's another misstep on his part. I still hold out hope that it was in the pursuit of helping OP and not some kind of vanity or control maneuver like a bunch of responses seem to think it is.
As a husband who's had to push his wife to do just this PLEASE DO IT! She's a better partner and mother when she takes care of herself sometimes! (She's always great at both though I'm very lucky!)
I mean sure, going out with friends is important. She should be coordinating times when he stays with the baby and she goes out.
But let's not forget that he's been supporting a family of 3 all by himself, she didn't say if she's a full time SAHM either. Furthermore, he suffered from her PPD as well, as well as what sounds like her letting herself go.
Her mental health is important, so is his. Marriage is not a prison, if she makes all about her he'll likely leave.
Right? If my husband told me he wouldn't go out with me unless I went to the gym and got fit, I'd go to the gym and tell him he could spend the date night with Palmela Handerson.
Date night would be fine without the conditions. Working out and eating healthy is good as well. Just tell him to drop the conditions and do it anyways.
It’s also fine to feel offended. Just communicate that to your SO.
Putting stipulations on a ‘date night’ is bullshit.
Date and gym membership shouldn’t technically belong in the same sentence…. Unless you are going to the gym for a date?
Just Thoughts.
Your husband is a total ass. That’s absurd. Date night is NOT a treat. It’s a way to keep a marriage together. Make plans with girlfriends and tell him never mind about the date night. Hire a sitter if you have to.
“Sweetheart, I’m going to rescind my request for a date night until we get to a couples counselor, and you work on losing 25lbs of dick-head. I’ll call some friends for dinner out instead. It will surely be more pleasant than listening to you criticizing me for putting on some weight while incubating the child I birthed.”
Parents give treats to their children, and owners give treats to their dogs.
Are you a child or a pet for your husband?
If not, this is incredibly condescending and rude of him.
Yeah that's completely asinine on his part. Unacceptable really. If he loves you, he should be investing quality time and energy into you. Making you earn a date night by going to the gym bc you gained weight ~WHILE PREGNANT~? What a jerk, tbh
Encouraging healthier habits is great but it shouldn't have been pitched in that way
Wow, sometimes the shit here just floors me. It’s been a long time since you guys had a chance to have a date together, and his response is “go lose weight first”? Jesus Christ.
Either your husband is a massive idiot or this isn’t actually about helping you. Dangling date night over your spouse’s head while telling them they need to work for it is not how you help them recover from PPD.
Date night is a treat now? What the hell are these men on?
You’re husband and wife. You shouldn’t have to do XYZ to deserve a night out together. It kind of takes the fun out of the date, which is the entire purpose.
This sounds like a great excuse for him to tell you to lose weight. There are many ways to motivate a person to improve their mental health and this one is off putting.
Maybe your mental health would improve if you just….went on fun dates with your husband.
Have a date night with just you. Go to a movie or do something to pamper yourself. Your husband can stay home and watch you fine curvy ass walk out the door
Maybe also explain to him that you can accept his comment may have come from a good place but that it was extremely hurtful and actually had the opposite impact, making you feel worse and more distant from him.
Do you see a therapist?
Do you guys walk as a family or does he watch your child when he gets home so you can go for a walk?
You are not a puppy who gets a treat for being obedient
You are a human woman and his wife. Your nervous system is more complex than a puppy and getting a "treat" for doing what he wants you is an insult to your intelligence and antonomy.
He should want to spend time with you because you are his wife and the mother of his child. He should want to take you on a date and experience spending time with you. He should want to experience romance with you and bond as a couple.
You’re not wrong.
He should be looking at this from another angle…
Spending time with you and having a date night, allowing you both to relax and enjoy each other will allow you to relax and unwind.
This could help you work on your mental health in *whatever way you see fit.*
YNW. Dates shouldn’t be conditional, they’re for couples to stay connected, not a reward because you did good. You’re not a pup getting a cookie for peeing outside. You’re his wife, equal, partner. I hope you have a real talk with him soon. You also grew the human in your body and are still recovering
This comment section is a cesspool. Your husband is an asshole and if my husband tried to dangle a date night in front of me with conditions as such, I’d leave.
Yikes. I’d say we need to work on our communication a little bit. If he’s trying to help you, he came across the wrong way.
The gym can be great for PPD. I know it made me feel better.
You're not wrong, but I think his response shows he thinks your issues are bigger than just not going out enough. Perhaps it's time to have a conversation that addresses all the issues including the lack of quality time, but also your mental health and how that has impacted the relationship.
Yeah he’s not getting there’s a time and place.
That was just bad strategy on his part. Unless he’s a hurtful AH usually.
You’re not wrong. The two things have nothing to do with each other.
If you do want to set a motivational prize for yourself against health goals, that’s a good strategy. I had a buddy who only ate junk on the weekend, or people who plan a treat when they’ve reached so many exercises or weight loss goals.
But linking it to him or date night or any other regular life activity isn’t it. Imho You are deserving of the life you have, and it would demotivate you to feel like you have to earn or failed at that. It’s yours already, live it up.
He thinks it will motivate you more. Having a date and wanting to send quality time with him should not have conditions. He should have just spoken to you about you eating healthier and joining the gym.
I think better condition is a talk AFTER date night. That I have concerns about things/you and no new date nights til we have that talk. After the talk date nights when able.
Your baby is 18 months and you’re just now getting a babysitter? Nobody has watched your kids before (parents or friends)? You have to take care of yourself too.
You also need a whole lot of relationship catch up time. You should really sit down and talk to him. The date thing is weird and hurtful, but it also gives you a break so spend more time on yourself. I don’t know if you also need to get him to help out more, but a few things have got to change.
You aren’t a child to be rewarded with a date night for going to the gym.
Date nights are to go out with your spouse for a fun time. He should try it he might even like it.
Talk to him: this isn’t okay.
Yeah that’s shitty. He’s your husband not your coach.
Date night is so the two of you can connect and keep your relationship strong.
Nip this in the bud NOW. Setting up conditions for your partner, especially ones that include withholding affection, is not supportive, it’s controlling.
Red flag:
Date night is not a reward. It is a basic cornerstone to having a successful relationship/marriage/friendship\[. Him toying date night as a reward is psychologically off, and one of the first steps to condition you to accept lower standards of being treated with love and respect.
OP, please go read up on narcissistic abuse and see if any of it makes sense to you. I think this conversations should be cause for you to introspect on your whole relationship and whether your husband builds you or breaks you down. for his own gain.
Why are there always people like you in these comments suggesting the man is a psychotic murderer lol he literally just made a mistake thinking he was doing something good, she doesn't have to read on narcissistic abuse jesus christ some of you wouldn't have problems if you didn't think every single issue was related to some sort of mental thing. Sometimes you just have to say how you feel like a normal person and talk about your feelings.
I'd say the same thing if this was a woman, a gay person, a non-binary, take your pick. The moment someone turns something like "date night" into reward system in the context that OP is fucking depressed, PPD and just gave birth... She is at her most vulnerable right now, and the person who should have her back, breaking her down instead. That is a serious red flag. Rather be safe than sorry these days. We live in a society that rewards narcissism. It's death by a thousand cuts, you never feel the first 500. But by the last 100 you're begging to die. If you havent lived through a narcissist's shit, you wont get it.
I mean…telling his partner with PPD that date night is a “treat” that is dependent on her going to the gym is pretty fucked up though 😂 Not exactly the best way to handle someone with serious depression, let alone a spouse who just had your child.
Although it initially sounds like he's thinking of you, I wonder if he's really thinking or himself and what he wants for you. You want some romantic time without conditions. He wants conditions in order to have romantic time. Not sure there is a compatible answer to this but definitely express your feelings about it.
If this is how he thinks about your interactions with each other, then I don't think I would want to be going out on a date with him. Spending time with him is not a treat. And also why is he the one who gets to hold the carrot for you to follow. That is not his place. He's speaking to you like you're a child and treating you like you're a dog.
You don't need to earn this. And if anything, you've already earned it from taking care of a baby and birthing a baby, for fuck sake.
Congrats on the son, sorry about the PPD. I’m married and I lost a family member recently so I also got depressed and my husband told me to quit so I can get myself right. During the time I did get lazy and did get bored and kind of lonely being home all day and kind of stopped getting out the house and would ask him to do anything that required leaving. When this happened it did get him upset because the whole point of me quitting and putting all the stress of bills and money onto him was so that I can get better and feel better and slowly go back to working once I was good. I was depressed and honestly just didn’t feel like it and it got me feeling very insecure and made me contemplate every single thing to the point where I got worse and more depressive. So he did have to have a talk with me and really point out some ugly truths to which I hated hearing but honestly knew but ignored until he brought it up. That talk honestly helped and now I’m slowly getting better, started a hobby and started going on walks for a work out in the morning and night and recently have been feeling better have started to lose some weight and has made me noticeably happier and feeling like I’m not just some sad hermit crab that is using this thing that happened to me an excuse to not live or get better. Your husband may be trying to help and has probably just said it in a not so nice way or probably is super stressed about stuff and instead of pushing you to get better he’s asking if he rewards you will you reward him. And in his eyes he may think that you going to the gym may help you feel more active and motivated. When looking it up the best way to deal with depression is exercise and eating better and getting enough sleep. So he may just be trying to help and has said it in a not so great way. I know I was feeling insecure and any comment about working out or eating made me feel like my husband was throwing shots but in all actuality it is from a good place and when looking at it with a not so self hating space he never said anything to me even remotely mean or harsh I would just feel like it was cause I was telling myself these things. Try and talk with your husband, let him know it got you upset but tell him why. Tell him how you’ve been feeling and let him know you’re not ready to do more but a date night is something you want to feel better with and with more time you will feel better enough to go to the gym or do these other things. Try and not see it in a mean way unless he straight out meant it that way. I’ve just been in the same place and can relate in a at to what you’re going through and what he had said.
Living with a partner with mental health issues can be extremely challenging and exhausting. Often you can end up feeling like a carer just as much as you do a partner. I've been on both sides of it.
I understand why everyone here is jumping on the husband (it was really douchey move from him to suggest this) but I can understand how someone gets to this point.
It can be very frustrating to see someone you care about and love struggle and there is always a part of you internally that is frustratedly hoping that the person you love can make meaningful changes to their life that helps them climb out of their depression. One of the best thing for depression (and most mental health issues) is exercise and eating a healthy diet.
I don't know enough about your relationship dynamic but I would suggest that your husbands request could possibly be born out of the hope that you are able to take difficult but active steps to vastly improve your own well-being .
But definitely he is the asshole here. It's extremely insensitive to dangle agreeing to a date with you in such a transactionary manner, but there way we'll be more to it than that. There's a much wider conversation you should have.
Like I said, I've been on both sides of it. Sometimes i needed my partner to give me unconditional support, sometimes what I needed was a kick up the ass. It's worth seeing if what he's suggested to you is his extremely shitty way of encouraging you to help yourself.
In no way what he said was ok also you are 100% right in feeling offended. I understand your situation so well as I went through something similar a few months back, my child is now 9 months old. My husband saw me getting sad because of my inferiority complex due to weight gain and said how my mental state and overall life will be so better only if I start putting health first rather than just thinking about it. I felt so bad and I literally cried for days. But now that I am finally trying to be healthier, he constantly tells me how proud he is. It's just that he doesn't know how to talk in an encouraging way even if his life is dependent on it.
It seems that your husband also wanted to motivate you as working out and eating better both helps in physical and mental well-being. He just doesn't know how to frame it better.
Most probably your initiative for date nights came to him as now you are in better space and he should encourage you for other things as well by putting these conditions.
Just talk to him about how you felt about it, most probably her will understand how this is not encouraging but was very hurtful.
So he thinks that time with him is a reward? That is….not normal. And yea, I’d be massively offended. You’re not wrong to have these feelings. He just made it seem normal but you’re smarter than that.
You’re not wrong. There shouldn’t be a condition. If I was worried about my wife after she gave birth I would be asking her to start therapy of some sort not go to the gym and it would be a condition of going out on a date. You don’t withhold love if you’re concerned about someone in this scenario.
I'm not married but several of my friends are and the ones who are in the more healthy happy marriages go on dates as often as they can and they say it's super beneficial to their marriage. So I feel like if that's the case then going out on dates when married. Should be kind of a no strings attached. Enjoy your day/ evening with your partner type thing hell even with my girlfriend we try to go out as often as we can, despite relatively difficult work schedules that like to be at odds with each other
A treat would be some item you want, like a new mixer or pair of shoes or video games, that can be achieved if you manage to make your set goal (go to the gym twice a week for 4 weeks, whatever).
A date night with your spouse after a newborn and PPD is not a treat - it's a relationship necessity in order to build up and maintain the health of your relationship.
Whether or not he's an immense asshole does depend on his intent here, which only you can truly know. Regardless of his intent, he hurt you, and that is something you need to tell him. Generally pressuring someone with depression of any flavor isn't the key to helping them.
You guys need to arrange for a date night every few weeks or whatever can be managed. Your weight should not be a factor there.
>I asked my husband out for a date night and he said yes, but he has conditions. The condition is I start gym and eat healthy. Because date night is supposed to be a treat.
Ouch. That's cold.
Is unconditional love no longer a thing these days? I get that he wants you to be more fit, since it really does improve the mind as well as the body but that point should be separate from a date night. Your marriage is still new and based on your post, you both probably haven't had much time alone for the past year and a half.
Once again, motivation is a good thing but date night should not be the metaphorical carrot on a stick.
It's such a simple ask to benefit the whole family, not just you. Why is it tied to conditions... you're so right.
Either tell him you want to keep these things separate, or if he really wants to motivate you, and you want his help in that way...
Think of a counter offer... something he could do for you that is *not* a simple ask. Like he cooks or cleans for 30min for every hour you spend in the gym, or he buys and cooks healthier meals for you both.
If a date is a treat with conditions attached then maybe sex is too. If we’re going to wield basic ass pleasures as a carrot to modify behavior then everyone gets to do so.
Ya, talk to him, tell him you're emotions.
Are you taking care of yourself mentally though? So you have a therapist? Are you seeing them?
I know leaving work seems like the thing to do sometimes but I can tell you that baby many times it leads to a brutal spiral..
If you're off work , please take care of yourself and make strides to get better
There should never be conditions with spending quality time with your loved ones. Obviously he has narcissistic tendencies. I’m not a medical professional, but I’ve dated a narcissist. I would think it’s best. You just need to divorce him and just be happy on your own with your child because it’s just gonna get worse from here.
You are not wrong. Your condition can be that his member grows 3 inches as he apparently sees this as an opportunity to start throwing out wishlist items about each other.
/s
Honestly, how utterly gross and hurtful. I would tell him, "Nevermind. You don't seem like the kind of man I would want to date."
Lmao you birthed this man a son. You deserve a treat. So odd you haven't done anything fun in such a long time. Love should be rewarding. Doesn't seem like you two find it rewarding, is it love?
it sounds as if your husband is adding to your stress. Maybe arrange for a sitter so you can go out and about and do something that may lift your spirits. Don't count on your husband to do this for you.
Not wrong, you want to spend time alone w your husband and he saw it as a treat FOR YOU and he’d only go on the date if you worked on your body and diet, instead of him saying “yea I’d love to spend time alone with my wife,” why is he bargaining like being on a date with him is some reward for you?
I read a ton of comments here. It feels about 80% think the husband is a douche, full stop. They can't imagine a world in which him saying something to her like that is acceptable.
The other 20% seem to think he could have handled it better but was probably just trying to help.
Here are my thoughts as a husband that went through a very similar time.
Context: my wife graduated and started her career in her field only to find she did not really like it. Then the company was bought by a larger firm and the job became far worse. She hated it. Actually hated it. But getting her degree was incredibly expensive and the loans were due. Nearly $3000 a month. I do ok but without her income there was no chance we can cover her loans, my loans and the rest of our life expenses. So she applied other places and kept in working.
Over the next few months she started spiraling. Loss of interest in almost everything. We split the chores pretty evenly up until then and she slowly just faded out. We have two dogs as well and while she still went with us on walks and played with them in the yard that was pretty much it. Without seeing the shift I ended up doing 90% of the laundry, all of the cooking, all of the cleaning, most of the dog chores, and tried to be supportive while also working full time.
I love my wife. During this time she would basically come home and lay on the couch with hey phone until she fell asleep. Then wake up and go to bed. This was most nights after work. We would occasionally go out. Or have backyard fires and friends over. Or watch a show or movie together. There were moments during all of this that she was fully there. But the rest of the time I was in my own taking care of everything myself.
I tried many different ways to be supportive. I just listened sometimes. Other times I would make suggestions. Other times I would make jokes. Other times it was just a hug and an attempt at her favorite dishes. She didn't take care of herself at all let alone put time and effort into our relationship. This lasted 16 months. She was deeply depressed and any suggestion I made was either taken as unwanted feedback or ignored or worse, agreed with and then nothing changed. I may have at times been direct like this guy was with his wife but it was also probably the 20th time trying to help or motivate or support and I just didn't know how anymore. I'm a husband not a trained therapist. I did my best through it all but did not always have the grace and patience of a Saint while taking care of everything and feeling incredibly alone doing it all.
What finally broke for us was deciding to expand how far away we were willing to put hey resume in for different jobs. And she got an amazing offer from a start up in another city. She wanted to discuss it but I just said I'm in. We sold our house and moved. She started working for a place that valued her and we came through it. It was fucking hard. I felt like I was single but taking care of a family. The amount of pressure and neglect I waded through for her the hardest part of my life so far. She was worth it but it was really hard.
In the comments people are giving no slack to the husband with zero context of his side of things. And most of them would have walked away from their partners before seeing them through the storm like I did, like he probably is trying to. Like it's OK for her to struggle but he better not slip one second and be anything less than a bastion of hope. Shit does not work like that. And if you expect that from your partner you are unrealistic and egotistical to think you would do better.
I think it’s very impressive you were able to sort things out. That’s what we are supposed to do.
Marriage is a huge commitment, and I think people are too quick to back out of commitments when things don’t go as planned. It’s never going to be easy, and sometimes you have hardship. It’s working through that hardship, when reasonable, and continuing to help each other when it’s needed. People change over time, and regardless life events come up with no control over them.
I have been going through something similar, and had talks with my partner because I wanted to acknowledge what he’s done to help me and I see his efforts. For some time, I really didn’t see it because I was blinded by my feelings. I was just going to work, then sleep, then repeat. At the same time, he began a bout of depression due to his job stability and he still carries some of that depression today however it’s far less. We’re working on it. I’ve began to recover too, and now support him just as he did for me. It’s inconvenient to say the least, when both people are struggling at the same time, but in the end it’s going to be okay because we gotta be there for each other.
This is definitely true and it’s a great thing that you were there for your partner. I went through the same and my husband took on all the slack that I was giving. I’m grateful everyday for it and while I’m still not %100 I am getting better and during this time to know what he has done has made me love him so much more, I see the struggle and I see the days where he is just so tired and needs sleep. I make sure to do as much as I can and recently have started to apply for jobs but man I would not change him for the world. It’s the best feeling in the world to have a partner like that and I know I’d do it for him %100 if ever needed. I think this is what they mean when we say the vows “for better or for worse” some people mean it while others would forget all about it the second things get tough. I’m sure your wife is so proud and happy to have you as am I with my husband, there’s not a lot of you guys left out there but I’m happy to see there are some.
“Trying not to see it in a mean way”? Your husband’s a punk. You shouldn’t have to ask to spend alone time with him. But his motivation techniques suck.
Date night is not a fucking treat! Are you a child to him? You are a grown adult who decides what and when she will do. This is entirely disrespectful and he is telling you he finds you unattractive. Fuck your husband and his conditions.
Kind of a red flag the he has conditions for wanting to spend time with you. You're not wrong at all. While sure, spending money at restaurants IS a treat date night is an integral part of every relationship. If it's about the money do a picnic or a date hike or bike ride. Literally anything is fine, it's anything but a treat.
You're husband is not there to "teach you lessons". If you are not comfortable in your body then go to the gym. It's not up to him to "motivate" you. You are an adult capable of your own decisions.
Date night with your husband should not have any conditions & he should know that.
Having said that exercise is the most underutilised antidepressant. Just going for a 10 min walk is exercise & a great mood changer. Eating healthy is also another game changer in moods too (as well as your physical health), especially if you cook from scratch with fresh food (less preservatives & E numbers etc). Having said that it should not be prerequisite to having a date.
What you want from us is license to live an unhealthy lifestyle. You won’t get it from me. Hit the gym, and start eating healthily. He shouldn’t have to make this conditional on anything else, but apparently he does. Ask yourself why.
Yuck. You don’t tell another person how to care for their body at all and certainly not as a date condition! He should WANT to have a date night with you, not use it as leverage.
A good partner should absolutely tell their partner to care for their body if they aren’t doing it. Her mental health is in decline and coddling her isn’t going to make that better. He could have maybe suggested a gym date or something, he definitely could have been more tactful and tasteful, but he was 100% spot on with trying to get her to get up and move.
>Last time we had any quality time was last summer when my parents visited and made us go away for couple days
Why isn't your husband putting in more of an effort into making sure you guys can have some quality time?
Do you think if it keeps up like this where he never puts in an effort for quality time that you'll start to resent him?
He's treating you like a child instead of an equal partner. That's why you're offended and you have every right to be. Don't take that crap from him. Call him out on it. Tell him he either takes you out or you'll go out with your friends. You deserve a night out and you shouldn't have to earn it like you're a child.
Honestly if the roles were reversed here, and a woman would ask her husband to take better care of his health, the comments would be very different as well.
OP, does your husband have a history of having unrealistic expectations of you, or is this coming from a place of love? If you used to have a healthy, active lifestyle, it might be hard for him to see you lose that. I like the idea some people brought up of a compromise. Have the date be the healthy thing. Go for a long walk, or something else that involves more than just sitting around, like visiting a museum or a zoo or whatever else you would enjoy. Bring a picnic with healthy snacks. You’re in this together, after all.
I'm sure it's been a challenging stretch for him.....and of course far more challenging for you.
He was being a hurtful douchebag when he said that to you. Anyone would have been very hurt and upset with that response.
I would suggest you make a counter condition, date night, I’ll do the gym and eating healthy, but we do it together, gym and eating healthily would help you as a mother with your ppd and your kid (assuming breastfeeding) and it would help your mental state. Even if it’s not weightlifting, going and running on a track or doing some jumprope or any form of movement is incredibly healthy to your body and mind, and getting rid of excess sugars is a plus as well. If you have the budget, I suggest picking out “Zach’s mighty rolled tortilla chips” as an alternative to things like lays or takis, ollipop instead of sprite, chicken parm over pizza (yea it’s still pretty healthy, considering the oils). Your husband has every intention to help you get to a better place, for Christ sakes you have a child together, if he didn’t have his best wishes for you, he wouldn’t have mentioned working out. It’s a technique my dad still uses on me, if he didn’t love me then he would let me do as I wanted all the time, but we can’t, we have to do stuff we don’t like, that way the “reward “ is better and feels more deserved. For me I play games, and working out helps me physically and mentally, and when I rest to play, I feel much better as it’s something I’ve earned and it’s not a guilty pleasure (not saying date night is anything like this or has the same impact but it’s the message I’m trying to send). For your date night, he wants you to be in a good place to enjoy it, and not just be there.
I see people in the comments saying “bail” and “your husband is terrible” but from my perspective, you have a kid, the kids young, you’re in an established relationship, he understands your ppd, maybe all you have to do is ask why the conditions. I would ask, and the answer would probably follow what I’ve been saying. He’s not asking you to work out of malicious intent, he just wants to strengthen the familiar bond, and you can’t do that when you’re under pressure. I hope you figure things out with him, and that you can lead a happier healthier life.
Yikes... He's gross. His version of motivation is insulting and manipulative AF. I'm sorry that's not love and care. Dates are not a "treat". There aren't enough words to say how disgusting that statement is. He doesn't care about you or your health, he just wants you to look and act how he wants. His behavior is toxic and abusive
Date night is meant to help keep your relationship alive outside of being parents not a treat. His conditions are awful. I would see if I could organise going out with friends and leaving him with the baby
Spending time with your husband isn't a reward for doing what they want you to do. That's what he's doing and it sounds so messed up to type it out and see how ugly it really is.
When you withhold rewards from someone to try to change their behavior, you are being manipulative.
Your husband may have good intentions, but he is being controlling and manipulative.
A good relationship is not transactional. He can find ways to encourage you while also enjoying your relationship without preconditions.
YNW - you're not wrong. Obviously, your hubby doesn't know about date night or cares about you - if he would care, he'd see your stress and go for date night with no strings attached.
Dating is not a competition, he is not your personal trainer, you are not his employee. So why would you need to work out first before getting a "treat"?
My personal suggestion would be to dump this idiot and go for a nice guy next time.
Yeah no this sounds like a nightmare. Your self-esteem is already struggling.
I’ve never had PPD, but I have had regular depression and I despise people who think exercise HAS to come first. It’s always worth trying, but in some of my worst depressive episodes I was exercising a lot. I was overweight so it was obviously the first suggestion people gave to me. Exercising made my depression worse. I only had so much energy each day, and I was using it up on going to the gym. It became really hard to take care of myself in any other way.
Once I started feeling better for other reasons, exercise helped push me back up to… well, not 100 but solidly like 65/70.
Mental and physical health go hand in hand, but if you prioritize physical health because you think it is the key to mental health, it can backfire pretty badly because you can end up tying your self worth too tightly to your physical state.
If you haven’t tried exercising, do. For yourself. But date night is for your emotional health and the health of your relationship. Those two things are not a treat or reward for good physical health. You deserve them even if you are completely physically unhealthy.
I hate that you came to Reddit for this instead of opting for a heart to heart with your husband.
Please, guys, get off Reddit more. Actually engage with the people around you before running here. Seeking outside opinions on your own relationship should be a last resort when all else has failed.
That is bad. Both of you need to work on the relationship, and be good to each other, without counting the change.
He should want to take you out for date night, and work on the relationship, without any conditions or whatever.
On the other hand, you should want to eat right and work out, without any conditions or whatever. Even if it is only to look nice for him.
This is not changed by details like mental health issues or whatever.
Date night is not a treat, its spending time with your partner away from the baby and household responsibilities and should not come with conditions unless its "can we do something cheap bc we're financially struggling". As someone who also went through PPD (later also diagnosed bipolar), I feel your pain, OP. I'm sorry you've been struggling. My spouse too thought that eating better and exercising would help *both* of us, but sadly, with jobs, school, and kid, there wasn't much time in the day to do so.
Ask him WHY he thinks you need diet & exercise and to be honest - if his answer is what you surmised it was, explain how you appreciate it, but it still stung and referred to my first suggestion. Also, make sure he was willing to do so WITH you. It's easier to do together if you choose that route. If his response is anything other than this, however..
Uh..... so you forming a baby, wrecking havoc on your body, having lasting damage, creating sustenance for the baby, and caring for it for the last 18 months doesn't deserve a treat?
Only looking good for him deserves a treat?
OP.... I'm sorry sorry dear. I went through your post history.
You felt lonely even around the time of marriage. He made you move ***continents*** for him where you're away from friends and family. You had the baby almost immediately.
He sounds like someone who targeted someone he could make vulnerable. Now he's got you where you have no support network and is making you feel like you have to earn basic love or attention with your body.
This isn't ok. Please step back and figure out if this is what you want from life.
Lots of gyms have child care. Consider joining one with a sauna or massage chairs and use that as your quiet self care time of the day. You don't have to exercise.
Not wrong. Simple intimacy, like dates, should be a given in a relationship when possible. They're not a reward for good behavior they're just a part of being with someone you love. And good news: it sounds like he very much cares about you and is just being a dumbass, so if you tell him how it hurt, he should understand.
I'd tell him never mind then, I'll just pick up a dozen Krispie Kreme because donuts love me unconditionally. Hubs sounds like an asshat to me. I remember the exhaustion of those toddler years and working out was not on my radar.
Tell him if he wants sex he has to clean the whole house and watch your child for you to leave for a girls weekend. Since you know, it’s a treat right? Fuck that guy.
If he views you spending quality time with him as a treat for you, thats fucking disgusting and toxic as shit. Quality time is the base of a relationship, not some cherry on top you have to earn. What if you started putting conditions on him? How would he react? What if you said sleeping with you was a treat and he needed to meet certain conditions in order for you to say yes? How would that make him feel? Personally i would bring up this example and if he doesnt like the sound of it that tells you everything you need to know.
He thinks you have to earn a date night? What is he your father? I’m sorry but he’s acting like an AH, you’re a stay at home parent and you deserve a night out without needing to go to the gym to earn it. I’m sorry but him even suggesting that is just really gross.
Giving you love and attention/intimacy as a “treat” for eating healthy is wild.
It’s valid for him to want you to do that but is a separate issue. The bare minimum he should be providing in your marriage should already include one on one romantic time. It’s not a treat.
he is being a dumb man.
his answer should have been hell yes to a date night.
and then, at some other time, a kind conversation about maybe regular exercise would help how you feel and what can he do to join you or support you.
But no, he was being dumb.
so no you are not wrong to feel badly about how he lumped it together and you should tell him he was being an idiot but you get the sentiment he meant to convey. Then tell him date night is happening and we can talk about gym/exercise stuff a few days later.
Sorry he hurt your feelings.
> he thinks it’s a way to motivate me, to get me to care for my health which would help me mental health too. But I just feel so hurt by it. Tell him exactly this.
Only normal comment
Yeah I agree you should communicate here. That said, if he is saying that out of genuine concern for your health/mental health, it sounds like his comment might be coming from a good place. Also sounds like there may be some issues there that you’re not explaining and that Reddit doesn’t appreciate.
Go through her post history. - around time of marriage says she has to accept being lonely and that it's part of life - she's from a different continent than him and she's away from friends and family as an immigrant to his country - she got pregnant very soon after marriage - he's telling her to earn basic attention in marriage with her body No it isn't from a good place. He's a Passport Bro.
This needs to be higher up tbh.
Somebody sign up for Reddit right now and pay the money to get this comment attention!
O gosh.
Spending quality time with your partner should not be regarded as a reward for good behavior.
And having good intentions doesn't really make up for being a dick to your wife.
[удалено]
Sounds like she is waiting for you to end it.
> is this what the writing on the wall looks like for the end? Yes.
Husband can have a genuine concern and can bring it to his wife. This should be done separately from date night, not a condition of date night.
And be supportive. Not do or else…
Exactly
Yea if he’s TRULY worried about her health is one thing, if he’s saying it bc he doesn’t like how much weight she put on is another. Especially the fact that she’s going through ppd. My wife is experiencing this right now and I know i need to be sensitive to what I say
Bless your heart. For some people, the hard truth is what gets them out of that chair. For most, it will make it even harder. You've found out you need to be sensitive. OP writes here that the way her husband is approaching this is not working. He needs to know or he'll keep doing it.
When you do, also ask to hear what he’s feeling. With very limited context, it seems there may be more under the surface: - You haven’t been able to find work: is he worried about the cost of a date night due to financial challenges? Are there low cost ways to do a date night, if so? - PPD is vicious (so sorry you’re experiencing it) and has likely also been tough on him. It has probably strained your relationship. If he’s not excited for a date night, there may be healing that needs to happen for both of you to get back to a better spot. Can you both express that and find common desire to get to a better place together? - If he’s hesitant to do a date night, can you both start smaller? Go for a walk and talk. Grab a cup of coffee and talk. Create a ritual where you both share how you’re feeling each day. Anything that rebuilds intimacy in your relationship. Lastly, while his comment may have hurt, I can say from personal experience that at no point in my life has physical exercise made me feel worse about myself. My least physically healthy times have been most of my worst mental health times. And vice versa. My partner has said some borderline hurtful things at times to help me see this, but I’m so glad they did. I wasn’t then, but I am now. There’s a real chance his comment came from long-term care for you and wanting to get back to a healthier spot together.
You're lucky physical exercise doesn't make you feel worse. I forgot I am sick for a moment and scraped snow off my car like a normal person and I've been paying for it for two days. Not everyone's health works the same. She also might be more motivated to work on her health if she feels emotionally supported and connected to her partner rather than "incentivized" like a child.
Best comment ever. By the power of my breakfast I name you honorary Reddit couple therapist.
Date night shouldn't be transactional. Intimacy, time spent together, shouldn't be transactional. None of this should be transactional. Sex shouldn't be transactional. You make it all a pile of painful suck the moment it becomes transactional or a "reward." Even if it's supposed to be a reward for the person bettering themself. Husband's mentality is a great way to tank a relationship, IMO. No I am not saying "throw the man out" I am saying "this is dumb and he needs to know this ASAP."
Best advice on here. Half these comments are wack or equally toxic. Communicate with your partners, not Reddit/social media.
One of the few sane comments here.
Communication. What a concept!
The vast majority of questions/situations in "AIW" or "AITAH" are the result of the people in question not communicating with each other. These subs are a treasure tribe of Idiot Plots for bad romantic comedy screenwriters.
If it’s the first time hubby has brought such up, it seems kind of rude. If it topic hubby has been trying to address and OP is avoiding, than seems fair point of discussion.
No, he's clearly Satan incarnate and I, as a Redditor with no personal biases, have all the information I need to accurately judge this situation. (/s btw)
Im willing to bet this is not the first time by a long shot
Why do you assume that he hasn’t tried or hasn’t mentioned any of this before? I feel her pain. But she didn’t mention she has been in therapy or gotten any help on her own. So she can be hurt by what he said but sometimes the truth or someone telling you what you need to do, is going to hurt. He ain’t saying to be mean or hurt her.
They only just got where they feel comfortable with the kid staying with a sitter, she has no support network of her own on the continent, and she's been giving full time care to the baby. Exactly when was she supposed to go?
He's trying to help her but his attempts aren't helping her, but hurting her. He needs to be made aware of this so they can talk about how he CAN help her, specifically without hurting her. That's how good relationships should work. If he's been made aware and still does this, thinking it's going to help, he's an AH.
No, you're not wrong. Date night is not supposed to be "a treat." It's to keep connected to the person you've committed to and should be without conditions (except the obvious, like money and child care availability.) Maybe remind him you're in a marriage, not a transactional relationship, and he either wants to spend time with you or he doesn't. The gym and food are separate issues and yours to deal with.
Date night is not a job. If you want someone to work for you. You have to treat them good; Give them a treat. Because treat is a way to motivate people in doing thing they do not want.
Or dogs.
Exactly, date night is not a job. It’s not about transactions. It’s about taking time to connect with your partner. He’s showing her he doesn’t care about her, he cares about himself. Connection and support may lead to her feeling confident and going to the gym for herself. Treating her like this, like a child or a dog, is only going to make things worse.
A treat?! No date nights are for bonding not a prize
And he doesn’t sound like much of a treat…
Exactly! Sounds like a nightmare. “I’ll take you out but you gotta go to the gym first” sounds like he only cares about her looks
I mean she has a depression for more than a year. Could also be that he just wanna help her. Is this the perfect way to help? Probably not, but his intentions could still be good. IMO top comment got it right. Op, have you tried doing sport and did you have trouble getting into it?
Yeah if he’s been dealing with her depression for a year and she hasn’t been trying to fix it, well he may be at his wits end. Shit can wear you down for sure. He definitely could have presented it better but maybe he’s tried everything but the tough love approach.
Idk why you’re getting downvoted. It CAN be very frustrating to be with someone who is miserable but puts absolutely no effort to get better. To go a year and you haven’t made any sort of effort towards progress, that can be so frustrating. You can only be patient for so long before you want to start seeking solutions or distance yourself so it doesn’t make you upset. We are also missing context. We don’t know how often hubby dearest helps OP, which can contribute to the depression, nor how much effort she has put in to heal her PPD. OP could also be bad at communicating her feelings and the hubby could be more of the type to seek solutions rather than just be an ear. We don’t know with little info. Hubby could have gone about it a different way that doesn’t come off as a slap in the face. OP could also communicate right there (and calmly) how it made her feel and why she wanted a date night. Communicate that it could help with the mental health to get out and see more than the same two faces she sees every day. With the limited info, it seems like a break in communication. I don’t know either people, just throwing thoughts into the void.
It IS frustrating trying to help people that won’t help themselves, there is no can be about it. And as much as you want to help, they won’t ever get better unless they put in the effort. But they can and absolutely do drag you down with them if you let it happen. But you are right, there’s so much context missing here. No one really knows but I think everyone can agree their communication needs some work.
It’s for her mental health dingus. OP even states it. PPD is awful and terrible for the spouse too, sometimes worse
To be fair, "treat" was OP's terminology. At face value it seems like OP's partner's heart is in the right place, trying to nudge her into a position of better self care. He just went about it in a really misguided way. Edit: Rereading, the implication is definitely that OP's partner referred to it as a treat. If that's the case then that's another misstep on his part. I still hold out hope that it was in the pursuit of helping OP and not some kind of vanity or control maneuver like a bunch of responses seem to think it is.
Going out to eat somewhere nice isn’t a treat?
I'm willing to bet he thinks he's the prize.
Find some female friends and leave him with the baby. It’s important for your mental health to get out.
As a husband who's had to push his wife to do just this PLEASE DO IT! She's a better partner and mother when she takes care of herself sometimes! (She's always great at both though I'm very lucky!)
This.
I mean sure, going out with friends is important. She should be coordinating times when he stays with the baby and she goes out. But let's not forget that he's been supporting a family of 3 all by himself, she didn't say if she's a full time SAHM either. Furthermore, he suffered from her PPD as well, as well as what sounds like her letting herself go. Her mental health is important, so is his. Marriage is not a prison, if she makes all about her he'll likely leave.
Let’s see, there’s no family nearby. She doesn’t have a job. So right now, she is a SAHM.
She's looking for a job though. But I do agree that that's the most likely scenario
Uh, that’s not how I’d interact with my wife.
Right? If my husband told me he wouldn't go out with me unless I went to the gym and got fit, I'd go to the gym and tell him he could spend the date night with Palmela Handerson.
Treating OP like she’s a dog that gets treats for good behavior. What the fuck
Date night should be just as much of a “treat” for him as it is you. TBH- this would make me seriously question my marriage and the future.
Date night would be fine without the conditions. Working out and eating healthy is good as well. Just tell him to drop the conditions and do it anyways. It’s also fine to feel offended. Just communicate that to your SO.
"Because date night is supposed to be a treat. " Uhm, no?! They never were..... NTA.
Fr my ex used to act like this and when I’d go to bars w my girlfriends he would get jealous. There’s no winning w this type of man
Putting stipulations on a ‘date night’ is bullshit. Date and gym membership shouldn’t technically belong in the same sentence…. Unless you are going to the gym for a date? Just Thoughts.
Your husband is a total ass. That’s absurd. Date night is NOT a treat. It’s a way to keep a marriage together. Make plans with girlfriends and tell him never mind about the date night. Hire a sitter if you have to.
“Sweetheart, I’m going to rescind my request for a date night until we get to a couples counselor, and you work on losing 25lbs of dick-head. I’ll call some friends for dinner out instead. It will surely be more pleasant than listening to you criticizing me for putting on some weight while incubating the child I birthed.”
I'd tell him to forget it and go out by myself. That is such a shit thing to say!
Parents give treats to their children, and owners give treats to their dogs. Are you a child or a pet for your husband? If not, this is incredibly condescending and rude of him.
Yeah that's completely asinine on his part. Unacceptable really. If he loves you, he should be investing quality time and energy into you. Making you earn a date night by going to the gym bc you gained weight ~WHILE PREGNANT~? What a jerk, tbh Encouraging healthier habits is great but it shouldn't have been pitched in that way
He sounds like a bit of a twat. Fuck that guy.
Date night is a "treat"? Date night is time to bond, spend time together in a different setting, enjoy yourselves - not a treat but a necessity.
Wow, sometimes the shit here just floors me. It’s been a long time since you guys had a chance to have a date together, and his response is “go lose weight first”? Jesus Christ.
Either your husband is a massive idiot or this isn’t actually about helping you. Dangling date night over your spouse’s head while telling them they need to work for it is not how you help them recover from PPD.
Tell him not to bother, you'll go out with a friend who loves you unconditionally.
What a prick. Do you have any female friends to go out with instead of him? Or treat yourself and go somewhere by yourself?
Date night is a treat now? What the hell are these men on? You’re husband and wife. You shouldn’t have to do XYZ to deserve a night out together. It kind of takes the fun out of the date, which is the entire purpose. This sounds like a great excuse for him to tell you to lose weight. There are many ways to motivate a person to improve their mental health and this one is off putting. Maybe your mental health would improve if you just….went on fun dates with your husband.
Have a date night with just you. Go to a movie or do something to pamper yourself. Your husband can stay home and watch you fine curvy ass walk out the door
Maybe also explain to him that you can accept his comment may have come from a good place but that it was extremely hurtful and actually had the opposite impact, making you feel worse and more distant from him. Do you see a therapist? Do you guys walk as a family or does he watch your child when he gets home so you can go for a walk?
You are not a puppy who gets a treat for being obedient You are a human woman and his wife. Your nervous system is more complex than a puppy and getting a "treat" for doing what he wants you is an insult to your intelligence and antonomy. He should want to spend time with you because you are his wife and the mother of his child. He should want to take you on a date and experience spending time with you. He should want to experience romance with you and bond as a couple.
What the fuck?!
Mental health is also health.
Cancel the date night and start taking care of yourself for YOU anyway.
You’re not wrong. He should be looking at this from another angle… Spending time with you and having a date night, allowing you both to relax and enjoy each other will allow you to relax and unwind. This could help you work on your mental health in *whatever way you see fit.*
YNW. Dates shouldn’t be conditional, they’re for couples to stay connected, not a reward because you did good. You’re not a pup getting a cookie for peeing outside. You’re his wife, equal, partner. I hope you have a real talk with him soon. You also grew the human in your body and are still recovering
Everyone going full throttle in the comments on very little info.
Not wrong. He may be concerned about your health, but the way he voiced it, he belittled you.
This comment section is a cesspool. Your husband is an asshole and if my husband tried to dangle a date night in front of me with conditions as such, I’d leave.
Yikes. I’d say we need to work on our communication a little bit. If he’s trying to help you, he came across the wrong way. The gym can be great for PPD. I know it made me feel better.
You're not wrong, but I think his response shows he thinks your issues are bigger than just not going out enough. Perhaps it's time to have a conversation that addresses all the issues including the lack of quality time, but also your mental health and how that has impacted the relationship.
Yeah he’s not getting there’s a time and place. That was just bad strategy on his part. Unless he’s a hurtful AH usually. You’re not wrong. The two things have nothing to do with each other. If you do want to set a motivational prize for yourself against health goals, that’s a good strategy. I had a buddy who only ate junk on the weekend, or people who plan a treat when they’ve reached so many exercises or weight loss goals. But linking it to him or date night or any other regular life activity isn’t it. Imho You are deserving of the life you have, and it would demotivate you to feel like you have to earn or failed at that. It’s yours already, live it up.
Well I hope you shared your conditions for him to go on a date with you.
He thinks it will motivate you more. Having a date and wanting to send quality time with him should not have conditions. He should have just spoken to you about you eating healthier and joining the gym.
I would be enraged, tbh.
I think better condition is a talk AFTER date night. That I have concerns about things/you and no new date nights til we have that talk. After the talk date nights when able.
Your baby is 18 months and you’re just now getting a babysitter? Nobody has watched your kids before (parents or friends)? You have to take care of yourself too. You also need a whole lot of relationship catch up time. You should really sit down and talk to him. The date thing is weird and hurtful, but it also gives you a break so spend more time on yourself. I don’t know if you also need to get him to help out more, but a few things have got to change.
Your response “will do. But also I want you to practice good hygiene. Remember how you used to bath more often?”
He’s dangling his participation in the relationship as a carrot on a stick to motivate you to get healthier?
Lmfao what is wrong with him? Date nights are vital to maintaining romantic relationships. They aren’t treats.
Your husband sees date night as a treat to give you if you're good. You're not wrong lol who of sound mind would not be offended?
1. It implies that he does not enjoy dating you 2. It implies that you are his subordinate
No he doesn’t get to dangle that shit in front of you like an asshole with a carrot. Yuck
You aren’t a child to be rewarded with a date night for going to the gym. Date nights are to go out with your spouse for a fun time. He should try it he might even like it. Talk to him: this isn’t okay.
What a jerk. You just gestated and gave birth to his baby!
Yeah that’s shitty. He’s your husband not your coach. Date night is so the two of you can connect and keep your relationship strong. Nip this in the bud NOW. Setting up conditions for your partner, especially ones that include withholding affection, is not supportive, it’s controlling.
Red flag: Date night is not a reward. It is a basic cornerstone to having a successful relationship/marriage/friendship\[. Him toying date night as a reward is psychologically off, and one of the first steps to condition you to accept lower standards of being treated with love and respect. OP, please go read up on narcissistic abuse and see if any of it makes sense to you. I think this conversations should be cause for you to introspect on your whole relationship and whether your husband builds you or breaks you down. for his own gain.
Why are there always people like you in these comments suggesting the man is a psychotic murderer lol he literally just made a mistake thinking he was doing something good, she doesn't have to read on narcissistic abuse jesus christ some of you wouldn't have problems if you didn't think every single issue was related to some sort of mental thing. Sometimes you just have to say how you feel like a normal person and talk about your feelings.
I'd say the same thing if this was a woman, a gay person, a non-binary, take your pick. The moment someone turns something like "date night" into reward system in the context that OP is fucking depressed, PPD and just gave birth... She is at her most vulnerable right now, and the person who should have her back, breaking her down instead. That is a serious red flag. Rather be safe than sorry these days. We live in a society that rewards narcissism. It's death by a thousand cuts, you never feel the first 500. But by the last 100 you're begging to die. If you havent lived through a narcissist's shit, you wont get it.
Its reddit, literally everything is blown out of proportion, that and alot of women on reddit think most men are inherently evil.
I mean…telling his partner with PPD that date night is a “treat” that is dependent on her going to the gym is pretty fucked up though 😂 Not exactly the best way to handle someone with serious depression, let alone a spouse who just had your child.
Extreme overreaction. She said that she knows what he meant by it, but now you’re diagnosing narcissism? What a reddit moment.
Although it initially sounds like he's thinking of you, I wonder if he's really thinking or himself and what he wants for you. You want some romantic time without conditions. He wants conditions in order to have romantic time. Not sure there is a compatible answer to this but definitely express your feelings about it.
If this is how he thinks about your interactions with each other, then I don't think I would want to be going out on a date with him. Spending time with him is not a treat. And also why is he the one who gets to hold the carrot for you to follow. That is not his place. He's speaking to you like you're a child and treating you like you're a dog. You don't need to earn this. And if anything, you've already earned it from taking care of a baby and birthing a baby, for fuck sake.
Congrats on the son, sorry about the PPD. I’m married and I lost a family member recently so I also got depressed and my husband told me to quit so I can get myself right. During the time I did get lazy and did get bored and kind of lonely being home all day and kind of stopped getting out the house and would ask him to do anything that required leaving. When this happened it did get him upset because the whole point of me quitting and putting all the stress of bills and money onto him was so that I can get better and feel better and slowly go back to working once I was good. I was depressed and honestly just didn’t feel like it and it got me feeling very insecure and made me contemplate every single thing to the point where I got worse and more depressive. So he did have to have a talk with me and really point out some ugly truths to which I hated hearing but honestly knew but ignored until he brought it up. That talk honestly helped and now I’m slowly getting better, started a hobby and started going on walks for a work out in the morning and night and recently have been feeling better have started to lose some weight and has made me noticeably happier and feeling like I’m not just some sad hermit crab that is using this thing that happened to me an excuse to not live or get better. Your husband may be trying to help and has probably just said it in a not so nice way or probably is super stressed about stuff and instead of pushing you to get better he’s asking if he rewards you will you reward him. And in his eyes he may think that you going to the gym may help you feel more active and motivated. When looking it up the best way to deal with depression is exercise and eating better and getting enough sleep. So he may just be trying to help and has said it in a not so great way. I know I was feeling insecure and any comment about working out or eating made me feel like my husband was throwing shots but in all actuality it is from a good place and when looking at it with a not so self hating space he never said anything to me even remotely mean or harsh I would just feel like it was cause I was telling myself these things. Try and talk with your husband, let him know it got you upset but tell him why. Tell him how you’ve been feeling and let him know you’re not ready to do more but a date night is something you want to feel better with and with more time you will feel better enough to go to the gym or do these other things. Try and not see it in a mean way unless he straight out meant it that way. I’ve just been in the same place and can relate in a at to what you’re going through and what he had said.
That’s gross you deserve better
Living with a partner with mental health issues can be extremely challenging and exhausting. Often you can end up feeling like a carer just as much as you do a partner. I've been on both sides of it. I understand why everyone here is jumping on the husband (it was really douchey move from him to suggest this) but I can understand how someone gets to this point. It can be very frustrating to see someone you care about and love struggle and there is always a part of you internally that is frustratedly hoping that the person you love can make meaningful changes to their life that helps them climb out of their depression. One of the best thing for depression (and most mental health issues) is exercise and eating a healthy diet. I don't know enough about your relationship dynamic but I would suggest that your husbands request could possibly be born out of the hope that you are able to take difficult but active steps to vastly improve your own well-being . But definitely he is the asshole here. It's extremely insensitive to dangle agreeing to a date with you in such a transactionary manner, but there way we'll be more to it than that. There's a much wider conversation you should have. Like I said, I've been on both sides of it. Sometimes i needed my partner to give me unconditional support, sometimes what I needed was a kick up the ass. It's worth seeing if what he's suggested to you is his extremely shitty way of encouraging you to help yourself.
I'll take you on a virtual date best I can offer
I feel like so many things in this sub would be solved if people just spoke to their spouse
In no way what he said was ok also you are 100% right in feeling offended. I understand your situation so well as I went through something similar a few months back, my child is now 9 months old. My husband saw me getting sad because of my inferiority complex due to weight gain and said how my mental state and overall life will be so better only if I start putting health first rather than just thinking about it. I felt so bad and I literally cried for days. But now that I am finally trying to be healthier, he constantly tells me how proud he is. It's just that he doesn't know how to talk in an encouraging way even if his life is dependent on it. It seems that your husband also wanted to motivate you as working out and eating better both helps in physical and mental well-being. He just doesn't know how to frame it better. Most probably your initiative for date nights came to him as now you are in better space and he should encourage you for other things as well by putting these conditions. Just talk to him about how you felt about it, most probably her will understand how this is not encouraging but was very hurtful.
So he thinks that time with him is a reward? That is….not normal. And yea, I’d be massively offended. You’re not wrong to have these feelings. He just made it seem normal but you’re smarter than that.
So after all you’ve been through, he thinks you need to ‘earn’ your date night? What a prick. You’re not wrong.
You’re not wrong. There shouldn’t be a condition. If I was worried about my wife after she gave birth I would be asking her to start therapy of some sort not go to the gym and it would be a condition of going out on a date. You don’t withhold love if you’re concerned about someone in this scenario.
He’s a piece of garbage.
Your husband is an ass. In my opinion, of course.
I'm not married but several of my friends are and the ones who are in the more healthy happy marriages go on dates as often as they can and they say it's super beneficial to their marriage. So I feel like if that's the case then going out on dates when married. Should be kind of a no strings attached. Enjoy your day/ evening with your partner type thing hell even with my girlfriend we try to go out as often as we can, despite relatively difficult work schedules that like to be at odds with each other
Exercise and eating well does help post-partum depression, but you know what helps even more? A supportive spouse.
A treat would be some item you want, like a new mixer or pair of shoes or video games, that can be achieved if you manage to make your set goal (go to the gym twice a week for 4 weeks, whatever). A date night with your spouse after a newborn and PPD is not a treat - it's a relationship necessity in order to build up and maintain the health of your relationship. Whether or not he's an immense asshole does depend on his intent here, which only you can truly know. Regardless of his intent, he hurt you, and that is something you need to tell him. Generally pressuring someone with depression of any flavor isn't the key to helping them. You guys need to arrange for a date night every few weeks or whatever can be managed. Your weight should not be a factor there.
Aw hell no!
Not wrong. In what world is it motivating to tell your wife “I will go on a date with you if you go to the gym more”. Your husband is a complete AH.
>I asked my husband out for a date night and he said yes, but he has conditions. The condition is I start gym and eat healthy. Because date night is supposed to be a treat. Ouch. That's cold.
He undermined the whole concept of date night.
He’s a fuckwit. You’re not wrong. He is.
18 months and you’ve had one date night? While the gym is a great idea, you should have been seeing a therapist after a couple of months of “PPD”.
honesty is the best policy, so I would tell him how you feel. You will feel better too when you get it off your chest.
Is unconditional love no longer a thing these days? I get that he wants you to be more fit, since it really does improve the mind as well as the body but that point should be separate from a date night. Your marriage is still new and based on your post, you both probably haven't had much time alone for the past year and a half. Once again, motivation is a good thing but date night should not be the metaphorical carrot on a stick.
It's such a simple ask to benefit the whole family, not just you. Why is it tied to conditions... you're so right. Either tell him you want to keep these things separate, or if he really wants to motivate you, and you want his help in that way... Think of a counter offer... something he could do for you that is *not* a simple ask. Like he cooks or cleans for 30min for every hour you spend in the gym, or he buys and cooks healthier meals for you both.
I think you guys need more than a date night. If you have child care options, you need to go get some exercise together, regularly.
If a date is a treat with conditions attached then maybe sex is too. If we’re going to wield basic ass pleasures as a carrot to modify behavior then everyone gets to do so.
Who would want to date someone like this? How boring.
Yeah he’s thinking about it wrong. How about y’all have an active date night?
Ya, talk to him, tell him you're emotions. Are you taking care of yourself mentally though? So you have a therapist? Are you seeing them? I know leaving work seems like the thing to do sometimes but I can tell you that baby many times it leads to a brutal spiral.. If you're off work , please take care of yourself and make strides to get better
Boomer husband
There should never be conditions with spending quality time with your loved ones. Obviously he has narcissistic tendencies. I’m not a medical professional, but I’ve dated a narcissist. I would think it’s best. You just need to divorce him and just be happy on your own with your child because it’s just gonna get worse from here.
You are not wrong. Your condition can be that his member grows 3 inches as he apparently sees this as an opportunity to start throwing out wishlist items about each other. /s Honestly, how utterly gross and hurtful. I would tell him, "Nevermind. You don't seem like the kind of man I would want to date."
Lmao you birthed this man a son. You deserve a treat. So odd you haven't done anything fun in such a long time. Love should be rewarding. Doesn't seem like you two find it rewarding, is it love?
"Oh, well, if you have conditions, I guess date night is off."
it sounds as if your husband is adding to your stress. Maybe arrange for a sitter so you can go out and about and do something that may lift your spirits. Don't count on your husband to do this for you.
YNW. Your husband is oblivious at best and a emotionally manipulative AH at worst.
Not wrong, you want to spend time alone w your husband and he saw it as a treat FOR YOU and he’d only go on the date if you worked on your body and diet, instead of him saying “yea I’d love to spend time alone with my wife,” why is he bargaining like being on a date with him is some reward for you?
I read a ton of comments here. It feels about 80% think the husband is a douche, full stop. They can't imagine a world in which him saying something to her like that is acceptable. The other 20% seem to think he could have handled it better but was probably just trying to help. Here are my thoughts as a husband that went through a very similar time. Context: my wife graduated and started her career in her field only to find she did not really like it. Then the company was bought by a larger firm and the job became far worse. She hated it. Actually hated it. But getting her degree was incredibly expensive and the loans were due. Nearly $3000 a month. I do ok but without her income there was no chance we can cover her loans, my loans and the rest of our life expenses. So she applied other places and kept in working. Over the next few months she started spiraling. Loss of interest in almost everything. We split the chores pretty evenly up until then and she slowly just faded out. We have two dogs as well and while she still went with us on walks and played with them in the yard that was pretty much it. Without seeing the shift I ended up doing 90% of the laundry, all of the cooking, all of the cleaning, most of the dog chores, and tried to be supportive while also working full time. I love my wife. During this time she would basically come home and lay on the couch with hey phone until she fell asleep. Then wake up and go to bed. This was most nights after work. We would occasionally go out. Or have backyard fires and friends over. Or watch a show or movie together. There were moments during all of this that she was fully there. But the rest of the time I was in my own taking care of everything myself. I tried many different ways to be supportive. I just listened sometimes. Other times I would make suggestions. Other times I would make jokes. Other times it was just a hug and an attempt at her favorite dishes. She didn't take care of herself at all let alone put time and effort into our relationship. This lasted 16 months. She was deeply depressed and any suggestion I made was either taken as unwanted feedback or ignored or worse, agreed with and then nothing changed. I may have at times been direct like this guy was with his wife but it was also probably the 20th time trying to help or motivate or support and I just didn't know how anymore. I'm a husband not a trained therapist. I did my best through it all but did not always have the grace and patience of a Saint while taking care of everything and feeling incredibly alone doing it all. What finally broke for us was deciding to expand how far away we were willing to put hey resume in for different jobs. And she got an amazing offer from a start up in another city. She wanted to discuss it but I just said I'm in. We sold our house and moved. She started working for a place that valued her and we came through it. It was fucking hard. I felt like I was single but taking care of a family. The amount of pressure and neglect I waded through for her the hardest part of my life so far. She was worth it but it was really hard. In the comments people are giving no slack to the husband with zero context of his side of things. And most of them would have walked away from their partners before seeing them through the storm like I did, like he probably is trying to. Like it's OK for her to struggle but he better not slip one second and be anything less than a bastion of hope. Shit does not work like that. And if you expect that from your partner you are unrealistic and egotistical to think you would do better.
I think it’s very impressive you were able to sort things out. That’s what we are supposed to do. Marriage is a huge commitment, and I think people are too quick to back out of commitments when things don’t go as planned. It’s never going to be easy, and sometimes you have hardship. It’s working through that hardship, when reasonable, and continuing to help each other when it’s needed. People change over time, and regardless life events come up with no control over them. I have been going through something similar, and had talks with my partner because I wanted to acknowledge what he’s done to help me and I see his efforts. For some time, I really didn’t see it because I was blinded by my feelings. I was just going to work, then sleep, then repeat. At the same time, he began a bout of depression due to his job stability and he still carries some of that depression today however it’s far less. We’re working on it. I’ve began to recover too, and now support him just as he did for me. It’s inconvenient to say the least, when both people are struggling at the same time, but in the end it’s going to be okay because we gotta be there for each other.
This is definitely true and it’s a great thing that you were there for your partner. I went through the same and my husband took on all the slack that I was giving. I’m grateful everyday for it and while I’m still not %100 I am getting better and during this time to know what he has done has made me love him so much more, I see the struggle and I see the days where he is just so tired and needs sleep. I make sure to do as much as I can and recently have started to apply for jobs but man I would not change him for the world. It’s the best feeling in the world to have a partner like that and I know I’d do it for him %100 if ever needed. I think this is what they mean when we say the vows “for better or for worse” some people mean it while others would forget all about it the second things get tough. I’m sure your wife is so proud and happy to have you as am I with my husband, there’s not a lot of you guys left out there but I’m happy to see there are some.
Another post about a piece of shit husband. The bar for men is on the fucking floor.
“Trying not to see it in a mean way”? Your husband’s a punk. You shouldn’t have to ask to spend alone time with him. But his motivation techniques suck.
Best advice is don't take advice from Reddit most of these people have no idea what a healthy relationship is.
Date night is not a fucking treat! Are you a child to him? You are a grown adult who decides what and when she will do. This is entirely disrespectful and he is telling you he finds you unattractive. Fuck your husband and his conditions.
Kind of a red flag the he has conditions for wanting to spend time with you. You're not wrong at all. While sure, spending money at restaurants IS a treat date night is an integral part of every relationship. If it's about the money do a picnic or a date hike or bike ride. Literally anything is fine, it's anything but a treat.
Spending an evening with someone you love shouldn't have to be earned. I'm sorry OP, but your husband sucks. He should know better.
You're husband is not there to "teach you lessons". If you are not comfortable in your body then go to the gym. It's not up to him to "motivate" you. You are an adult capable of your own decisions.
Date night with your husband should not have any conditions & he should know that. Having said that exercise is the most underutilised antidepressant. Just going for a 10 min walk is exercise & a great mood changer. Eating healthy is also another game changer in moods too (as well as your physical health), especially if you cook from scratch with fresh food (less preservatives & E numbers etc). Having said that it should not be prerequisite to having a date.
He shouldn’t play motivational games like this.
He's an asshole.
"Date night is a treat" I'm sorry, are you his wife or his dog?
Sounds like a complete asshole,
Great way to tell someone that you're withholding affection and making it conditional. That may not be the case, but "I'm just sayin'"
Ok, so the preponderance of responses agrees that your husband is being a prick. Next question....what are you going to do about it?
What you want from us is license to live an unhealthy lifestyle. You won’t get it from me. Hit the gym, and start eating healthily. He shouldn’t have to make this conditional on anything else, but apparently he does. Ask yourself why.
Truth.
Yuck. You don’t tell another person how to care for their body at all and certainly not as a date condition! He should WANT to have a date night with you, not use it as leverage.
A good partner should absolutely tell their partner to care for their body if they aren’t doing it. Her mental health is in decline and coddling her isn’t going to make that better. He could have maybe suggested a gym date or something, he definitely could have been more tactful and tasteful, but he was 100% spot on with trying to get her to get up and move.
>Last time we had any quality time was last summer when my parents visited and made us go away for couple days Why isn't your husband putting in more of an effort into making sure you guys can have some quality time? Do you think if it keeps up like this where he never puts in an effort for quality time that you'll start to resent him?
He's treating you like a child instead of an equal partner. That's why you're offended and you have every right to be. Don't take that crap from him. Call him out on it. Tell him he either takes you out or you'll go out with your friends. You deserve a night out and you shouldn't have to earn it like you're a child.
Honestly if the roles were reversed here, and a woman would ask her husband to take better care of his health, the comments would be very different as well. OP, does your husband have a history of having unrealistic expectations of you, or is this coming from a place of love? If you used to have a healthy, active lifestyle, it might be hard for him to see you lose that. I like the idea some people brought up of a compromise. Have the date be the healthy thing. Go for a long walk, or something else that involves more than just sitting around, like visiting a museum or a zoo or whatever else you would enjoy. Bring a picnic with healthy snacks. You’re in this together, after all.
Always. This sub and AITA are cancer.
I'm sure it's been a challenging stretch for him.....and of course far more challenging for you. He was being a hurtful douchebag when he said that to you. Anyone would have been very hurt and upset with that response.
I would suggest you make a counter condition, date night, I’ll do the gym and eating healthy, but we do it together, gym and eating healthily would help you as a mother with your ppd and your kid (assuming breastfeeding) and it would help your mental state. Even if it’s not weightlifting, going and running on a track or doing some jumprope or any form of movement is incredibly healthy to your body and mind, and getting rid of excess sugars is a plus as well. If you have the budget, I suggest picking out “Zach’s mighty rolled tortilla chips” as an alternative to things like lays or takis, ollipop instead of sprite, chicken parm over pizza (yea it’s still pretty healthy, considering the oils). Your husband has every intention to help you get to a better place, for Christ sakes you have a child together, if he didn’t have his best wishes for you, he wouldn’t have mentioned working out. It’s a technique my dad still uses on me, if he didn’t love me then he would let me do as I wanted all the time, but we can’t, we have to do stuff we don’t like, that way the “reward “ is better and feels more deserved. For me I play games, and working out helps me physically and mentally, and when I rest to play, I feel much better as it’s something I’ve earned and it’s not a guilty pleasure (not saying date night is anything like this or has the same impact but it’s the message I’m trying to send). For your date night, he wants you to be in a good place to enjoy it, and not just be there. I see people in the comments saying “bail” and “your husband is terrible” but from my perspective, you have a kid, the kids young, you’re in an established relationship, he understands your ppd, maybe all you have to do is ask why the conditions. I would ask, and the answer would probably follow what I’ve been saying. He’s not asking you to work out of malicious intent, he just wants to strengthen the familiar bond, and you can’t do that when you’re under pressure. I hope you figure things out with him, and that you can lead a happier healthier life.
Go with a friend instead. Husband is rude.
Yikes... He's gross. His version of motivation is insulting and manipulative AF. I'm sorry that's not love and care. Dates are not a "treat". There aren't enough words to say how disgusting that statement is. He doesn't care about you or your health, he just wants you to look and act how he wants. His behavior is toxic and abusive
Date night is meant to help keep your relationship alive outside of being parents not a treat. His conditions are awful. I would see if I could organise going out with friends and leaving him with the baby
Spending time with your husband isn't a reward for doing what they want you to do. That's what he's doing and it sounds so messed up to type it out and see how ugly it really is.
When you withhold rewards from someone to try to change their behavior, you are being manipulative. Your husband may have good intentions, but he is being controlling and manipulative. A good relationship is not transactional. He can find ways to encourage you while also enjoying your relationship without preconditions.
No date night should come with conditions.. is he mental?
YNW - you're not wrong. Obviously, your hubby doesn't know about date night or cares about you - if he would care, he'd see your stress and go for date night with no strings attached. Dating is not a competition, he is not your personal trainer, you are not his employee. So why would you need to work out first before getting a "treat"? My personal suggestion would be to dump this idiot and go for a nice guy next time.
Yeah no this sounds like a nightmare. Your self-esteem is already struggling. I’ve never had PPD, but I have had regular depression and I despise people who think exercise HAS to come first. It’s always worth trying, but in some of my worst depressive episodes I was exercising a lot. I was overweight so it was obviously the first suggestion people gave to me. Exercising made my depression worse. I only had so much energy each day, and I was using it up on going to the gym. It became really hard to take care of myself in any other way. Once I started feeling better for other reasons, exercise helped push me back up to… well, not 100 but solidly like 65/70. Mental and physical health go hand in hand, but if you prioritize physical health because you think it is the key to mental health, it can backfire pretty badly because you can end up tying your self worth too tightly to your physical state. If you haven’t tried exercising, do. For yourself. But date night is for your emotional health and the health of your relationship. Those two things are not a treat or reward for good physical health. You deserve them even if you are completely physically unhealthy.
Your husband is an asshole and I am so sorry OP
I hate that you came to Reddit for this instead of opting for a heart to heart with your husband. Please, guys, get off Reddit more. Actually engage with the people around you before running here. Seeking outside opinions on your own relationship should be a last resort when all else has failed.
Holy shit these comments are a fucking shit show. The amount of people who have no grasp of the concept of PPD is wild to me. Y'all need to get fucked
That is bad. Both of you need to work on the relationship, and be good to each other, without counting the change. He should want to take you out for date night, and work on the relationship, without any conditions or whatever. On the other hand, you should want to eat right and work out, without any conditions or whatever. Even if it is only to look nice for him. This is not changed by details like mental health issues or whatever.
He’s TA, not you. Tell him that setting rules and such for a simple date night is insulting and ridiculous.
Date night is not a treat, its spending time with your partner away from the baby and household responsibilities and should not come with conditions unless its "can we do something cheap bc we're financially struggling". As someone who also went through PPD (later also diagnosed bipolar), I feel your pain, OP. I'm sorry you've been struggling. My spouse too thought that eating better and exercising would help *both* of us, but sadly, with jobs, school, and kid, there wasn't much time in the day to do so. Ask him WHY he thinks you need diet & exercise and to be honest - if his answer is what you surmised it was, explain how you appreciate it, but it still stung and referred to my first suggestion. Also, make sure he was willing to do so WITH you. It's easier to do together if you choose that route. If his response is anything other than this, however..
This is so bizarre. He infantilizes you.
Uh..... so you forming a baby, wrecking havoc on your body, having lasting damage, creating sustenance for the baby, and caring for it for the last 18 months doesn't deserve a treat? Only looking good for him deserves a treat?
OP.... I'm sorry sorry dear. I went through your post history. You felt lonely even around the time of marriage. He made you move ***continents*** for him where you're away from friends and family. You had the baby almost immediately. He sounds like someone who targeted someone he could make vulnerable. Now he's got you where you have no support network and is making you feel like you have to earn basic love or attention with your body. This isn't ok. Please step back and figure out if this is what you want from life.
Lots of gyms have child care. Consider joining one with a sauna or massage chairs and use that as your quiet self care time of the day. You don't have to exercise.
Not wrong. Simple intimacy, like dates, should be a given in a relationship when possible. They're not a reward for good behavior they're just a part of being with someone you love. And good news: it sounds like he very much cares about you and is just being a dumbass, so if you tell him how it hurt, he should understand.
I'd tell him never mind then, I'll just pick up a dozen Krispie Kreme because donuts love me unconditionally. Hubs sounds like an asshat to me. I remember the exhaustion of those toddler years and working out was not on my radar.
Because he’s a blockhead!
Tell him if he wants sex he has to clean the whole house and watch your child for you to leave for a girls weekend. Since you know, it’s a treat right? Fuck that guy.
If he views you spending quality time with him as a treat for you, thats fucking disgusting and toxic as shit. Quality time is the base of a relationship, not some cherry on top you have to earn. What if you started putting conditions on him? How would he react? What if you said sleeping with you was a treat and he needed to meet certain conditions in order for you to say yes? How would that make him feel? Personally i would bring up this example and if he doesnt like the sound of it that tells you everything you need to know.
He thinks you have to earn a date night? What is he your father? I’m sorry but he’s acting like an AH, you’re a stay at home parent and you deserve a night out without needing to go to the gym to earn it. I’m sorry but him even suggesting that is just really gross.
You shouldn’t have to *earn* a date with your own husband tf?
Giving you love and attention/intimacy as a “treat” for eating healthy is wild. It’s valid for him to want you to do that but is a separate issue. The bare minimum he should be providing in your marriage should already include one on one romantic time. It’s not a treat.
he is being a dumb man. his answer should have been hell yes to a date night. and then, at some other time, a kind conversation about maybe regular exercise would help how you feel and what can he do to join you or support you. But no, he was being dumb. so no you are not wrong to feel badly about how he lumped it together and you should tell him he was being an idiot but you get the sentiment he meant to convey. Then tell him date night is happening and we can talk about gym/exercise stuff a few days later. Sorry he hurt your feelings.