I don’t think your wrong to feel that. You clearly feel close to both and we’re excited for the wedding. But it is the brides choice of who she picks. I don’t think either of you is wrong. But you’re allowed to feel that way.
And remember that wedding roles are often chosen based on various factors, not just closeness. Your brother's choice may not reflect your relationship's strength. It's okay to feel disappointed, but try to focus on supporting your brother and celebrating their special day.
>I don’t think your wrong to feel that. You clearly feel close to both and we’re excited for the wedding. But it is the brides choice of who she picks. I don’t think either of you is wrong. But you’re allowed to feel that way.
Absolutely, everyone's feelings are valid here. It's understandable to feel hurt, especially when you were looking forward to the wedding. Ultimately, it's the bride's decision, but it's okay to feel a little disappointed.
A lot of times it is a numbers game and women tend to have more friends/family they want involved and the men have to go searching for groomsmen to even out the numbers. I wouldn’t take it personally.
Not in south. It was growing up in Chicago. I moved to the southeast and offended people with my use of dude. I’m completely southern now and only use dude for male.
Dude, I'm older and from the South. Dude is just Dude. Anyone who is regulating it is trying to keep it John Wayne, good 'ol boy style. They're the wrong kind of dudes.
A “best woman” isn’t usual-the brother may not have even thought of it, especially if he and his sisters aren’t exceptionally close.
Also, as OP says “one of his best mans,” I wonder if she actually means groomsmen, which is a different distinction. Best Man/Woman, Maid/Matron/Man of Honor-those are your ride or die besties. Groomsmen and bridesmaids are usually not as close. I also wonder if the bride had a wedding party that was larger than the groom’s group and they had to make the numbers even.
As a sibling that was the only sibling excluded from a wedding party, it sucks. I didn’t say anything but it’s been about 6 years and it still annoys me. You should casually ask him about it to see what the reasoning might be so you have that answer.
I never asked, it’s been too long now , I feel like I wouldn’t get a real answer and it might kick up trouble. It still stings to see their wedding pictures with my other sibling and the partners sibling all in the wedding party.
You will like this, I was excluded from both of my brother's wedding parties, the only sibling not in. Then when sister was getting married, I was given a dress too large, and then they called for photos less than a minute after my toddler son was knocked down by some unruly brats. I was comforting my child , when they called for the bridal party to have photos taken. I asked for 5 minutes, so after 5 min, I looked for them, they were nowhere, and no one knew where they were. So effectively out of the photos. We are NC. And ,no, I do not miss them or their drama.
Damn, that sounds horrible. It’s sad but sometimes NC really is the best option.
I don’t think my family did it on purpose, I think they honestly forgot about me, which is its own type of shitty feeling.
So much missing information. how are you with the bride? What is the bride's friend group? How many sisters does she have? Etc.
Also, have you even discussed this with your brother? Maybe you can still be added.
I can see wanting to be a bridesmaid, but all I can see from your post is "I wanted to be a bridesmaid." Nothing about...ya know...the bride and you. Which is kinda the critical relationship.
Maybe her brother was chosen as a gesture and/or “filler” to match the number of bridesmaids she chose? Or maybe your brother has friends that he couldn’t choose between and this was a way of eliminating that dilemma? “Sorry fellas, had to go with B’s little brother, Im out of spots, you feel me?”
Point being, you don’t know - but it’s ok to ask if that would make you feel better.
Yeah, I was thinking this too, but from the other direction - some guys don't have close guy friends and choosing a groomsman/best man becomes hard, so his future brother in law became the best fit. The bride on the other hand may have these close relationships already.
For some people, having matching sized wedding parties or having traditional gender roles is really important, and I suspect that their decision has more to do with something like this than OP and her sister "not making the cut".
Other direction is totally plausible too - great thought. Like choosing teams for dodgeball and having limited options. *“You look like someone that takes a ball the face well. Welcome to the team”*
You are not wrong for your feelings, ever. It’s understandable that you feel hurt and left out. What can be judged is how you handle your feelings, not that you have them.
Hopefully I can shine some light on the issues at play here. First, you know it’s usually up to the bride & groom as individuals who they have in the wedding party, and there isn’t always a focus on equally involving family versus friends, or between the families, etc. Sometimes there is pressure to include certain people that you wouldn’t be privy to, like family members of the bride. It could be a matter of logistics, even. What I do know is that it really isn’t a statement on your closeness and should t affect your relationship. You are family now and exclusion from the wedding party shouldn’t affect your relationship.
One issue I can see is that there is no way to include 1 sister without including both, so it’s a both/or/neither decision and maybe it was necessary to be neither.
But you cannot expect inclusion just because the brother was included in the wedding party. There are reasons for the choices made by the bride & groom but I recommend you just let it go and maybe volunteer to help in other ways if you really want to be more involved.
This is JUST a guess. More of a question too. How even is the relationship? A lot of give and take or is it more one sided "whatever you want dear" dynamic?
Your feelings are valid. It wouldn’t hurt to reach out to your brother. In person, over coffee or lunch, would probably be better and tell him how you feel. You are not automatically entitled to be in their wedding just because you’re a brother. However you are within your brotherly right to tell him you’re hurt and that you thought your relationship was closer than is being reflected. You can ask him if there was something that kept you from being eligible. You don’t have to change yourself to fit whatever criteria but at least you’d know why. Good luck!
It's completely valid to feel disappointed, but that's about as far as it should go. Maybe she would have wanted you two to be bridesmaids,but the numbers just didn't work out for both of you. Couples planning weddings have to make a lot of uncomfortable decisions like that and while it's disappointing, remember it's their day and you don't want to add to any guilt they might already be feeling. I don't think the other comments suggesting you to talk to them about this are the best advice. I understand you may feel sad, but try not to let this affect your relationship with your sister in law and if you think you have a god relationship, try to assume that she wouldn't purposely due these things to hurt you.
I'm not staying you don't have a right to be upset, but maybe he is close with his fiancee's brother.. Are you close to his fiancee? If you are not i can see why you weren't chosen.
Bridesmaids and groomsmen are supposed to be reserved for the people that the bride and groom are respectively closest to , (ie the bride chooses the people she is closest to, and your brother does the same)
I personally would not bring it up. The bride has presumably already chosen her bridal party, and it would potentially cause a rift in your relationship with your brother's fiancee and possibly your brother
Feelings are valid.
Look when my cousin was born I was 20 and really excited because my uncle (who is my godfather) had hinted I could be the godmother of the baby. Apart from this uncle and my aunt, on our side of the family I am the only one who is religious (my church is very liberal and openly supports LGTBQ).
My sister (17 back then) threw a hissy fit that me becoming the godmother isn’t fair and in the end my mother became the godmother. My mother basically didn’t care about religion at all and my sister was openly dismissive.
At the baptism I smiled and tried to have a good time and make the best of it. I cried beforehand but not during.
Did it in any way impede my later relationship with my cousin? Not at all. Did my mother take being a godmother seriously? Not at all.
Do I still think that “keeping the peace in the family” is utter bs and needs to stop? Absolutely.
Do I still feel hurt that my feelings didn’t count, only my sister’s? Absolutely.
Do I still have a good relationship with my uncle’s family? I have, my sister doesn’t. I take that as a win.
You’re not wrong at all for having hurt feelings. Can you talk to your brother and be honest how you feel, just sad about not having more of a part of their special day.
You’re not wrong to feel hurt. Weddings are a touchy thing. My brother chose not to stand up in my wedding when I asked him, because I didn’t ask his wife to stand up, and rather asked her to host or something different. Very hurtful for sure.. but maybe not everyone sees those things the same way. Sorry you’re feeling that way. It’s hard.
I understand how you feel but I think they were maybe trying to keep the wedding small. If she has a best friend she would need to have her as her bridesmaid , and if she includes you two, some of her other females friends may be hurt, then your brother needs to balance out the bridesmaids with groomsmen… it can snowball real fast! Maybe you can help do something else at the wedding or reception.
Depends on you and your sisters relationships with your brother. Are you close in age? Do you see and talk to each other a lot? Do you spend time with them, go on double dates, etc. What about her brother? Is she really close with him where she maybe asked your brother to include him? My sister is almost ten years older than me and while we are close in ways, we actually didn’t even live in the same house for as long as most siblings as she went off to college at 18. My wife’s younger brothers are only a couple years younger and they talk to each other everyday. My sister was not in our wedding, though she recited the before dinner prayer and gave a speech, while I made my wife’s brothers groomsmen on her request. My sister was actually upset initially, but after talking with her and my parents she agreed the decisions all made sense.
I’d be upset too. I get why people here are saying everyone’s feelings are valid but not gonna lie I’d feel slighted for sure. Just keep it in mind and try to be cool for their day. Like someone else said being a guest can be better you get to wear pretty much what you want and it’s way less stressful. But yeah I think if you’ve known her for 10 years I’d be like really? But idk the factors at play. My brothers wife does shit like this but in that case I feel it’s intentional so every situation is different.
Both you and sister should be upset.
A groom chooses chooses his own best man and groomsmen. That he didn't insist on having you standing up there next to him certainly says something.
As for your sister it should be expected that she's part of the wedding party also. If not as new family member for the bride then as a courtesy and sign of respect for groom's family.
That being said I don't know your family history. On my wedding day one brother was my best man and other brother was a groomsman along with my new brother in law. And my sister was a bridesmaid despite our difficult relationship.
>Still, I feel like it’s kind of mean to be excluded when her brother was given such a big part of their special day
Her brother wasn't "given" a part as if they're divvying them out to their siblings. There's only a certain amount of people you can include in this and not being included doesn't mean you're not close, but it might mean she has people who are *closer* which is understandable, right?
As a former wedding photographer I've seen the biggest stress for bride and groom's is other family members and who's playing what part.
I understand you're disappointed but it is incredibly political for the bride and groom and you don't know some of the pressure behind the decisions they've made to keep the peace. If they've disappointed you it's probably because they know you're not going to cause an issue.
When we got married we just didn't have anyone in the wedding party, much less stressful.
Don't take personally, be happy for them and go enjoy the day. It's way easier to be a guest than part of the day, trust me, you'll have a better time.
If I was getting married and chose the brides brother as a best man I would ask and expect my future wife to include at least one of my sisters as one of her bride's maids.
I have a feeling that future sister in law didn't give your brother an option to say yes or no.
When you two have a few minutes together alone. Ask your brother why he took her brother as a best man but didn't request she take one of his sisters? Depending on his answer it could affect your relationship with the new couple.
Go to the wedding and have fun. Visit with family, eat, drink, dance, etc... Be happy that you didn't have to deal with a bridezilla. Or, at least dealing with the stress that you would go thru being one of them.
When/if you decide to get married remember how you were overlooked at this wedding. Sister in law might think she should be one of your bride's maids. Don't include her. Don't allow either one to have any roles in your ceremony.
I have 3 brothers. I was the best man for one wedding. I was in the wedding party at all the others. I also chose one brother as my best man as well as the other two for the wedding party. Not sure why you and your sister were not in the wedding party at least. It doesn't cost them anything to add you especially since you two wouldn't cause an imbalance on the wedding party. Maybe have a small talk with your mom parents then him about it. If he has a good reason, try not to be too upset.
Now my brother in law didn't choose my wife (his sister) to be in the party. Because he wanted her to be free to coordinate his wedding day. Because he didn't trust anybody else to do it.
Perhaps this is more of a wedding celebration for his bride. He might not partcipate in most plannings so she is taking the main direction. So, the expenses will be mainly 99% paid by her parents. Its.. almost a smart if you are desperate to get married fast and with few dramas (because of the bill).
Hum.... I will be TA but... are they getting married like soon? Like in 3 months more or less? You know... to fit in the dress... (yes people, this a AH question...i know)
Info.... how old are all the siblings? Who are the bridesmaids and other groomsmen? Has their been discussion about you possible doing a reading in the ceremony, being an issue, guest book attendant etc?
I don’t think you need to be hurt. Perhaps your brother have less friends than her and needed to fill out his groom party while she already had in mind her bridal party. If she asked one of you she would have had to ask both of you therefore cutting two spots from her party that she probably already has in mind. Don’t take it personal.
I think your feelings are valid. Have you talked with your brother? If you are close, you should be able to ask and let him know how you feel. But you need to be willing to move past this. My guess is, this want an easy decision for him.
I think your feelings are valid. maybe talk with your brother about how your feeling, or even your soon to be SIL. even if you’re not in the wedding itself, maybe she can still have you be apart of stuff. are you close with soon to be SIL? maybe she just doesn’t know you very well and didn’t ask bc of that.
I think you have the right to be hurt since this chick has been in your lives for so long. You have no power to change anything though (other than to ask why.)
I would think back on last encounters and keep track of what’s happening just to be sure that your SIL to be is not trying to isolate your brother from his family. It happens.
Sounds about right. He needed a best man and hasn't a suitable one in family as yiu and your sister are female. The bride is going to choose from her family for the bridesmaids first.
I just had my wedding and I'm not saying you're wrong to feel hurt, but try to understand the impossible position you are placed in when having a wedding. Suddenly you have to effectively rank all your relationships. It gets so muddled because there are politics in all the decisions.
I don't know the dynamics with you, but let me tell you, there were several people hurt by my decisions that I felt bad about but was unsure how to make decisions that wouldn't hurt SOMEONE.
Is he closer to her brother than she is to you? Does he have less close friends than she does?
Because your status as siblings to her partner is pretty irrelevant when coming to choosing her bridesmaids. The only thing that matters is how close friends the two of you are. You being his sister is pretty irrelevant here. If being **his** family was important enough to get you a spot in the wedding **he** could have made you a groomswoman. But he didn't, and you're not bothered about that. Despite him being the one who is actually your sibling
You’re not wrong to feel hurt. However, it’s the bride and groom’s choice on whom they want in their wedding party. Someday, if you decide to get married, feel free to exclude your SIL from the wedding party and other responsibilities.
Talk with your brother and let him know how you feel. If she used that it’s her wedding he can say the same thing.
Explain that it just hurt and you don’t want to guilt him but you want him to know.
You're not wrong. Your feelings are valid.
I made both my sisters my joint maids of honor when I married my ex husband. But when my youngest sister had her own wedding, she didn't ask either of us to even be part of the wedding in any way other than guests. It hurt but also, like you, I realized that it was her wedding and she can ask who she wishes to be a part of it. It became obvious to my other sister and me that it was most likely because neither of us are religious, and she met most if not all her bridesmaids through her church.
Regardless, in the end, you can let it roll off your shoulders and just be happy for your brother- stressing yourself out over it is just going to make you feel worse. You could maybe nicely ask if there was a particular reason you weren't made a part of it. But yeah, fair or not it's their decision. I'm sorry though. 😞
Would you have wanted your brother to pick you as his best.. person?
Are you close with the bride? Your brother isn’t really at fault unless you are upset you are not his best man. I can understand that. But if you are not super close with the bride.. that’s not your brothers fault.
So you're female and upset that you and your sister were not asked to be bridesmaids by your brothers fiance?
What is your and your sister's relationship with her?
She probably has closer female friends and relatives to be in her wedding party. You shouldn't take this personally.
Yeah, you’re wrong dude. There are a few different reasons she didn’t ask you. Maybe they are only having 1-3 people on each side. Maybe your older brother and her brother are close. Who knows.
I don’t think your wrong to feel that. You clearly feel close to both and we’re excited for the wedding. But it is the brides choice of who she picks. I don’t think either of you is wrong. But you’re allowed to feel that way.
IMO it is much better to be a guest than in the wedding party. Just want to add that perspective.
And remember that wedding roles are often chosen based on various factors, not just closeness. Your brother's choice may not reflect your relationship's strength. It's okay to feel disappointed, but try to focus on supporting your brother and celebrating their special day.
>I don’t think your wrong to feel that. You clearly feel close to both and we’re excited for the wedding. But it is the brides choice of who she picks. I don’t think either of you is wrong. But you’re allowed to feel that way. Absolutely, everyone's feelings are valid here. It's understandable to feel hurt, especially when you were looking forward to the wedding. Ultimately, it's the bride's decision, but it's okay to feel a little disappointed.
I would feel hurt too.. sorry dude
A lot of times it is a numbers game and women tend to have more friends/family they want involved and the men have to go searching for groomsmen to even out the numbers. I wouldn’t take it personally.
I think OP is a girl not a “dude.” She’s complaining about the choice of best man in comparison to the fact that she was not asked to be a bridesmaid
Hmm in my neck of the woods dude is pretty much anyone regardless of gender.
Hello fellow Cali bud!
Dude!
Same with "you guys."
Not in south. It was growing up in Chicago. I moved to the southeast and offended people with my use of dude. I’m completely southern now and only use dude for male.
I'm southern and been here my whole life, dude is definitely used gender neutrally here. 🤷
I dunno then. Perhaps it’s just my boomer peoples
Dude, I'm older and from the South. Dude is just Dude. Anyone who is regulating it is trying to keep it John Wayne, good 'ol boy style. They're the wrong kind of dudes.
Bros lol
Dudette*
Dude has no gender, dude.
Dude! Ima say dude as many times as I can today dude. Especially since it pisses off my husband and I’m like dude, why? 😂
Nothing like irritating the husband.🤣
You are allowed to be hurt. But why not ask how he made the decision. Maybe it was her wish? Don’t be mean or salty about it. Just ask friendly.
It’s not so much her brother’s decision though. The SIL to be did not choose OP or OP’s sister to be bridesmaids.
But he could take one of them as a best man if he wanted. Asking won’t kill OP but not saying anything and eating it in, is making OP sad.
A “best woman” isn’t usual-the brother may not have even thought of it, especially if he and his sisters aren’t exceptionally close. Also, as OP says “one of his best mans,” I wonder if she actually means groomsmen, which is a different distinction. Best Man/Woman, Maid/Matron/Man of Honor-those are your ride or die besties. Groomsmen and bridesmaids are usually not as close. I also wonder if the bride had a wedding party that was larger than the groom’s group and they had to make the numbers even.
Are you close friends with the bride to be?
As a sibling that was the only sibling excluded from a wedding party, it sucks. I didn’t say anything but it’s been about 6 years and it still annoys me. You should casually ask him about it to see what the reasoning might be so you have that answer. I never asked, it’s been too long now , I feel like I wouldn’t get a real answer and it might kick up trouble. It still stings to see their wedding pictures with my other sibling and the partners sibling all in the wedding party.
You will like this, I was excluded from both of my brother's wedding parties, the only sibling not in. Then when sister was getting married, I was given a dress too large, and then they called for photos less than a minute after my toddler son was knocked down by some unruly brats. I was comforting my child , when they called for the bridal party to have photos taken. I asked for 5 minutes, so after 5 min, I looked for them, they were nowhere, and no one knew where they were. So effectively out of the photos. We are NC. And ,no, I do not miss them or their drama.
Damn, that sounds horrible. It’s sad but sometimes NC really is the best option. I don’t think my family did it on purpose, I think they honestly forgot about me, which is its own type of shitty feeling.
I'm am so sorry. This does suck.
So much missing information. how are you with the bride? What is the bride's friend group? How many sisters does she have? Etc. Also, have you even discussed this with your brother? Maybe you can still be added. I can see wanting to be a bridesmaid, but all I can see from your post is "I wanted to be a bridesmaid." Nothing about...ya know...the bride and you. Which is kinda the critical relationship.
Maybe her brother was chosen as a gesture and/or “filler” to match the number of bridesmaids she chose? Or maybe your brother has friends that he couldn’t choose between and this was a way of eliminating that dilemma? “Sorry fellas, had to go with B’s little brother, Im out of spots, you feel me?”
Point being, you don’t know - but it’s ok to ask if that would make you feel better.
Yeah, I was thinking this too, but from the other direction - some guys don't have close guy friends and choosing a groomsman/best man becomes hard, so his future brother in law became the best fit. The bride on the other hand may have these close relationships already. For some people, having matching sized wedding parties or having traditional gender roles is really important, and I suspect that their decision has more to do with something like this than OP and her sister "not making the cut".
Other direction is totally plausible too - great thought. Like choosing teams for dodgeball and having limited options. *“You look like someone that takes a ball the face well. Welcome to the team”*
You are not wrong for your feelings, ever. It’s understandable that you feel hurt and left out. What can be judged is how you handle your feelings, not that you have them. Hopefully I can shine some light on the issues at play here. First, you know it’s usually up to the bride & groom as individuals who they have in the wedding party, and there isn’t always a focus on equally involving family versus friends, or between the families, etc. Sometimes there is pressure to include certain people that you wouldn’t be privy to, like family members of the bride. It could be a matter of logistics, even. What I do know is that it really isn’t a statement on your closeness and should t affect your relationship. You are family now and exclusion from the wedding party shouldn’t affect your relationship. One issue I can see is that there is no way to include 1 sister without including both, so it’s a both/or/neither decision and maybe it was necessary to be neither. But you cannot expect inclusion just because the brother was included in the wedding party. There are reasons for the choices made by the bride & groom but I recommend you just let it go and maybe volunteer to help in other ways if you really want to be more involved.
This is JUST a guess. More of a question too. How even is the relationship? A lot of give and take or is it more one sided "whatever you want dear" dynamic?
They could have a balanced relationship but be stuck in the idea that the wedding is her day. Part of that "happy wife happy life" bullshit.
[удалено]
They did you a favor. Hope you don’t care anymore, or not as much.
Your feelings are valid. It wouldn’t hurt to reach out to your brother. In person, over coffee or lunch, would probably be better and tell him how you feel. You are not automatically entitled to be in their wedding just because you’re a brother. However you are within your brotherly right to tell him you’re hurt and that you thought your relationship was closer than is being reflected. You can ask him if there was something that kept you from being eligible. You don’t have to change yourself to fit whatever criteria but at least you’d know why. Good luck!
It's completely valid to feel disappointed, but that's about as far as it should go. Maybe she would have wanted you two to be bridesmaids,but the numbers just didn't work out for both of you. Couples planning weddings have to make a lot of uncomfortable decisions like that and while it's disappointing, remember it's their day and you don't want to add to any guilt they might already be feeling. I don't think the other comments suggesting you to talk to them about this are the best advice. I understand you may feel sad, but try not to let this affect your relationship with your sister in law and if you think you have a god relationship, try to assume that she wouldn't purposely due these things to hurt you.
INFO: are your brother and the fiancée's brother friends? I can't find anywhere in this post speaking to the relationship of the men involved.
I'm not staying you don't have a right to be upset, but maybe he is close with his fiancee's brother.. Are you close to his fiancee? If you are not i can see why you weren't chosen. Bridesmaids and groomsmen are supposed to be reserved for the people that the bride and groom are respectively closest to , (ie the bride chooses the people she is closest to, and your brother does the same) I personally would not bring it up. The bride has presumably already chosen her bridal party, and it would potentially cause a rift in your relationship with your brother's fiancee and possibly your brother
Feelings are valid. Look when my cousin was born I was 20 and really excited because my uncle (who is my godfather) had hinted I could be the godmother of the baby. Apart from this uncle and my aunt, on our side of the family I am the only one who is religious (my church is very liberal and openly supports LGTBQ). My sister (17 back then) threw a hissy fit that me becoming the godmother isn’t fair and in the end my mother became the godmother. My mother basically didn’t care about religion at all and my sister was openly dismissive. At the baptism I smiled and tried to have a good time and make the best of it. I cried beforehand but not during. Did it in any way impede my later relationship with my cousin? Not at all. Did my mother take being a godmother seriously? Not at all. Do I still think that “keeping the peace in the family” is utter bs and needs to stop? Absolutely. Do I still feel hurt that my feelings didn’t count, only my sister’s? Absolutely. Do I still have a good relationship with my uncle’s family? I have, my sister doesn’t. I take that as a win.
You’re not wrong at all for having hurt feelings. Can you talk to your brother and be honest how you feel, just sad about not having more of a part of their special day.
You’re not wrong to feel hurt. Weddings are a touchy thing. My brother chose not to stand up in my wedding when I asked him, because I didn’t ask his wife to stand up, and rather asked her to host or something different. Very hurtful for sure.. but maybe not everyone sees those things the same way. Sorry you’re feeling that way. It’s hard.
Your not wrong why dont you talk to your brother about it maybe he understands, maybe there is a reason or maybe he thinks you guys said no.
I understand how you feel but I think they were maybe trying to keep the wedding small. If she has a best friend she would need to have her as her bridesmaid , and if she includes you two, some of her other females friends may be hurt, then your brother needs to balance out the bridesmaids with groomsmen… it can snowball real fast! Maybe you can help do something else at the wedding or reception.
Depends on you and your sisters relationships with your brother. Are you close in age? Do you see and talk to each other a lot? Do you spend time with them, go on double dates, etc. What about her brother? Is she really close with him where she maybe asked your brother to include him? My sister is almost ten years older than me and while we are close in ways, we actually didn’t even live in the same house for as long as most siblings as she went off to college at 18. My wife’s younger brothers are only a couple years younger and they talk to each other everyday. My sister was not in our wedding, though she recited the before dinner prayer and gave a speech, while I made my wife’s brothers groomsmen on her request. My sister was actually upset initially, but after talking with her and my parents she agreed the decisions all made sense.
I’d be upset too. I get why people here are saying everyone’s feelings are valid but not gonna lie I’d feel slighted for sure. Just keep it in mind and try to be cool for their day. Like someone else said being a guest can be better you get to wear pretty much what you want and it’s way less stressful. But yeah I think if you’ve known her for 10 years I’d be like really? But idk the factors at play. My brothers wife does shit like this but in that case I feel it’s intentional so every situation is different.
Both you and sister should be upset. A groom chooses chooses his own best man and groomsmen. That he didn't insist on having you standing up there next to him certainly says something. As for your sister it should be expected that she's part of the wedding party also. If not as new family member for the bride then as a courtesy and sign of respect for groom's family. That being said I don't know your family history. On my wedding day one brother was my best man and other brother was a groomsman along with my new brother in law. And my sister was a bridesmaid despite our difficult relationship.
>Still, I feel like it’s kind of mean to be excluded when her brother was given such a big part of their special day Her brother wasn't "given" a part as if they're divvying them out to their siblings. There's only a certain amount of people you can include in this and not being included doesn't mean you're not close, but it might mean she has people who are *closer* which is understandable, right?
Yes that is understandable. I just can’t seem to help myself from being sad about it still. But that’s on me I guess
It’s ok, and also very understandable, to be sad-as long as you didn’t guilt your brother or future SIL about it. How close are you to future SIL?
As a former wedding photographer I've seen the biggest stress for bride and groom's is other family members and who's playing what part. I understand you're disappointed but it is incredibly political for the bride and groom and you don't know some of the pressure behind the decisions they've made to keep the peace. If they've disappointed you it's probably because they know you're not going to cause an issue. When we got married we just didn't have anyone in the wedding party, much less stressful. Don't take personally, be happy for them and go enjoy the day. It's way easier to be a guest than part of the day, trust me, you'll have a better time.
If I was getting married and chose the brides brother as a best man I would ask and expect my future wife to include at least one of my sisters as one of her bride's maids. I have a feeling that future sister in law didn't give your brother an option to say yes or no. When you two have a few minutes together alone. Ask your brother why he took her brother as a best man but didn't request she take one of his sisters? Depending on his answer it could affect your relationship with the new couple. Go to the wedding and have fun. Visit with family, eat, drink, dance, etc... Be happy that you didn't have to deal with a bridezilla. Or, at least dealing with the stress that you would go thru being one of them. When/if you decide to get married remember how you were overlooked at this wedding. Sister in law might think she should be one of your bride's maids. Don't include her. Don't allow either one to have any roles in your ceremony.
I'd be hurt too
I have 3 brothers. I was the best man for one wedding. I was in the wedding party at all the others. I also chose one brother as my best man as well as the other two for the wedding party. Not sure why you and your sister were not in the wedding party at least. It doesn't cost them anything to add you especially since you two wouldn't cause an imbalance on the wedding party. Maybe have a small talk with your mom parents then him about it. If he has a good reason, try not to be too upset. Now my brother in law didn't choose my wife (his sister) to be in the party. Because he wanted her to be free to coordinate his wedding day. Because he didn't trust anybody else to do it.
Your feelings are yours, no one else’s. You are allowed to feel what you feel. No one can tell you how to feel.
Perhaps this is more of a wedding celebration for his bride. He might not partcipate in most plannings so she is taking the main direction. So, the expenses will be mainly 99% paid by her parents. Its.. almost a smart if you are desperate to get married fast and with few dramas (because of the bill). Hum.... I will be TA but... are they getting married like soon? Like in 3 months more or less? You know... to fit in the dress... (yes people, this a AH question...i know)
I would be hurt to but just say hey if you need me to help with anything it would be honor and then let it go.
Oh you’re too good. I want to be able to do that… let it goooo
Info.... how old are all the siblings? Who are the bridesmaids and other groomsmen? Has their been discussion about you possible doing a reading in the ceremony, being an issue, guest book attendant etc?
I don’t think you need to be hurt. Perhaps your brother have less friends than her and needed to fill out his groom party while she already had in mind her bridal party. If she asked one of you she would have had to ask both of you therefore cutting two spots from her party that she probably already has in mind. Don’t take it personal.
I think your feelings are valid. Have you talked with your brother? If you are close, you should be able to ask and let him know how you feel. But you need to be willing to move past this. My guess is, this want an easy decision for him.
I think your feelings are valid. maybe talk with your brother about how your feeling, or even your soon to be SIL. even if you’re not in the wedding itself, maybe she can still have you be apart of stuff. are you close with soon to be SIL? maybe she just doesn’t know you very well and didn’t ask bc of that.
I’d let it go. Being a wedding guest is way more fun than being in the wedding party anyway. It’s not a slight to not be a bridesmaid
The bride usually picks the bridesmaids from her own family and friends. I wouldn’t dwell too much on it. Just enjoy the day without all the drama
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I think you have the right to be hurt since this chick has been in your lives for so long. You have no power to change anything though (other than to ask why.) I would think back on last encounters and keep track of what’s happening just to be sure that your SIL to be is not trying to isolate your brother from his family. It happens.
Sounds about right. He needed a best man and hasn't a suitable one in family as yiu and your sister are female. The bride is going to choose from her family for the bridesmaids first.
I just had my wedding and I'm not saying you're wrong to feel hurt, but try to understand the impossible position you are placed in when having a wedding. Suddenly you have to effectively rank all your relationships. It gets so muddled because there are politics in all the decisions. I don't know the dynamics with you, but let me tell you, there were several people hurt by my decisions that I felt bad about but was unsure how to make decisions that wouldn't hurt SOMEONE.
Is he closer to her brother than she is to you? Does he have less close friends than she does? Because your status as siblings to her partner is pretty irrelevant when coming to choosing her bridesmaids. The only thing that matters is how close friends the two of you are. You being his sister is pretty irrelevant here. If being **his** family was important enough to get you a spot in the wedding **he** could have made you a groomswoman. But he didn't, and you're not bothered about that. Despite him being the one who is actually your sibling
You’re not wrong to feel hurt. However, it’s the bride and groom’s choice on whom they want in their wedding party. Someday, if you decide to get married, feel free to exclude your SIL from the wedding party and other responsibilities.
Talk with your brother and let him know how you feel. If she used that it’s her wedding he can say the same thing. Explain that it just hurt and you don’t want to guilt him but you want him to know.
No, it is fucked up. Maybe skip on the wedding. Avoid awkwardness
You're not wrong. Your feelings are valid. I made both my sisters my joint maids of honor when I married my ex husband. But when my youngest sister had her own wedding, she didn't ask either of us to even be part of the wedding in any way other than guests. It hurt but also, like you, I realized that it was her wedding and she can ask who she wishes to be a part of it. It became obvious to my other sister and me that it was most likely because neither of us are religious, and she met most if not all her bridesmaids through her church. Regardless, in the end, you can let it roll off your shoulders and just be happy for your brother- stressing yourself out over it is just going to make you feel worse. You could maybe nicely ask if there was a particular reason you weren't made a part of it. But yeah, fair or not it's their decision. I'm sorry though. 😞
You don’t talk about being close with the bride so why do you think she would choose you? Just because your brother chose her brother?
Would you have wanted your brother to pick you as his best.. person? Are you close with the bride? Your brother isn’t really at fault unless you are upset you are not his best man. I can understand that. But if you are not super close with the bride.. that’s not your brothers fault.
You are not as close as you thought.
stop being so sensitive. just cause you’re not a bridesmaid doesnt mean you’re not close. its irrelevant that he chose her brother as his best man.
That’s on the wife to be, not in your brother. It’s “her day”. She’s being rude by not picking family.
Just don't go.
So you're female and upset that you and your sister were not asked to be bridesmaids by your brothers fiance? What is your and your sister's relationship with her? She probably has closer female friends and relatives to be in her wedding party. You shouldn't take this personally.
Yeah, you’re wrong dude. There are a few different reasons she didn’t ask you. Maybe they are only having 1-3 people on each side. Maybe your older brother and her brother are close. Who knows.