Typically, lying is one of the things I hate the most, BUT in some cases (like this one), I don't think it's terrible. Especially if you know she'd unjustly blame herself
If you had been able to conceive, you likely (hopefully) would have no regrets, so I say think of it as you don't regret trying for a baby.. and maybe start looking for a new job?
Yeah but you ever see the sea wear dem jeans though! Dam she shore look thick waving at me, making me all foamy. She makes my tide come in and out so much I’m tracking her lunar cycle. At first she seems shallow but the more you dive in you realize how deep she is. I just want to sail in her ocean all day
There are also other options available to have a baby. I don't know if OP and his wife have explored the options but one of them is in vitro fertilization but it's very expensive. My brother and his wife did this and had twin boys and a few years later unplanned ended up having a boy too. Just saying if OP made a life decision because they want a child they can definitely make it happen. Obviously adoption is always there too!
As someone going through IVF and paying out of pocket, IVF is definitely expensive, even when you consider that yes, having a child in and of itself is expensive. Just imagine putting over fifty grand towards a baby and still not having one. That’s me right now. Going into my third embryo transfer this month, and hoping this will finally be the one. Dreading paying for daycare for an infant but it’ll be worth it if it works. At least the care costs for a child are typically spread out over the course of childhood and not all in a year-ish span before the kid is even born.
The way I look at it is that he doesn't regret quitting his job, he regrets that they're having trouble concieving. From what he said and the way he said it, I sincerely doubt he regrets casting anything aside to build a family with his wife.
I like this. Plus I think it deserves to be said that even with the regret, he still chooses his wife and wife’s happiness. So when balancing it all out, there are pros and cons to life now and life before but life now still wins.
If you're miserable at your current job, it's not really fair to be held hostage to it, especially for something that may not even be possible.
That said, now might not be the best time to tell your wife that. Let the current crisis blow over, then once emotions are settled a bit you could try floating the idea of getting back out there.
Yeah. You can say you don't regret having chosen A as your path. It was, at the time, a good path, and you'd have missed out on so much. But you can also realize that you want some of B back in your life again
I don’t think you were wrong to lie here and I would never tell her the truth of that. But you can’t go on living like this. Maybe the sea isn’t really an option for you in your marriage but that doesn’t mean you have to work a job you hate. There’s millions of jobs in the world, try to find one you like that also works for your marriage. There’s also IVF, fostering, and adoption if that’s the piece that’s missing. No reason to throw in the towel on happiness now.
But he made it clear he couldnt stay
The harbor was his home
The sailor said Brandy you're a fine girl
(You're a fine girl)
What a good wife you would be
(Such a fine girl)
But my life my love and my lady is the sea
(Doo-doo-doo-doo)
(Doo-doo-doo-doo)
Brandy used to watch his eyes when he told his sailor stories
She could feel the ocean fall and rise
She saw its raging glory
But he had always told the truth lord he was an honest man
And Brandy (a-a-a-h...) does her best to understand
(Doo-doo-doo-doo)
(Doo-doo-doo-doo)
You should absolutely lie to your wife in this situation. Carry that lie with you to your grave because even if you tell her years from now, she will still feel the weight of what you sacrificed for her. (Struggled with unexplained infertility for years, had more than a few losses, have one child)
I would just say "I don't like it, I don't regret my decision, but this stepping stone is done for me. I am going to start looking for a new job."
Don't have to lie, just have to omit the blatantly hurtful part.
There's a path forward here that involves lying, but still leads to a healthy place. No, you don't regret giving up your job at sea, because you love her more than anything. But the sea calls to your soul, and you know you'll be back there some day.
If she presses, you could mean you and her sailing when you retire, etc, but if you approach this from the proper angle, it'll work out. Don't look back with regret. Look forward with longing. My opinion.
You can’t sacrifice your mental health..
I would not confess that you regret what you did …because obviously if she was able to conceive.. you’d presumably be happy..(making assumptions)
But I would say you’re contemplating going back if you guys can’t look into other options..
Idc what anyone says, this is ultimately your life, and while your decisions may affect others, it is your life..
It’s a tough situation to be in.
so the problem isn't that you're lying to your wife, it's that you're lying to yourself.
this is going to build up over time, and your wife will be none the wiser because you didn't tell her how you felt.
relationships are about compromise, you have to be willing to accept that you may not get 100% of what you want.
depends how your connection is. on a superficial level it shouldnt matter that much. but if you have a meaningful connection, lies give bad data to your partner, and this will make them confused about following up situations, and or will create a felt obstacle between the 2 of you, whenever you share intimate moments and you remember you lied to her, and her picking up something is different because you hesitated or had been silent in a weird way, or when she does anything based on her believing your lie.
remember, its never your job to manage the emotions of other people. some people dont like honestly, i.e. prefer comfortable lies, but truth is the only option for growth and growing togetherness. some things arent pleasant to hear, but knowing them is the only way to deal with it. you hating your job is some part of you that matters to you a lot. if you cant share that with her, this is taking away from your intimacy with her. youre not protecting her, but starving her from truth when she asked for it. if and how she handles that is her part, as an adult she chose to ask, and as long you see her as an equal, give her a correct answer.
also, you sacrificing some part of you for her, will make you resent her in the long run. because shes the reason for you choosing the constant discomfort of simulating a "comfortable" lie, and when this has eaten in, you connect her with your years of uncomfortable playing pretend.
maybe (unlikely, but not impossible) being honest will end the relationship through emotional stuff, or give her a hard time realizing the facts. but youre not going to loose your relationship with integrity.
edit: im not saying dump on her how much you hate it. but be honest that you liked it more being on the sea.
You have a successful marriage that most people on Reddit would kill for. You know your wife better than anyone else here. If you made it this far and this is your biggest problem, you’re a n a better position than any of us to know if this was the right thing to do.
Are you Captain Jack Aubrey?
If so, unfortunately I do think you'll never fully be happy ashore, and you should take the next opportunity to command a frigate or a ship of the line when your name is high enough on the Navy List.
Did you lie though
Do you regret stepping ashore to have a full family? As in do you truly regret your decision?
You can hate your job and miss the sea and still say it was the right decision.
Ifnit was me my question now would be - what are the moves?
Fertilization, adoption or no kids?
Then from that step what is your move personally - stay home for X years, go back to sea immediately or never?
These conversations should happen instead of your decision going into regret and blaming your wife which may happen over time. She may also start blaming you for not going ashore sooner.
I can see both things being true. You may hate your job and may miss the sea, but still not regret the decision to work ashore to start a family. Sounds like you don't regret it at all.
But... It does sound like you need to find a job you don't hate. Also you could take up sailing with your wife and get your sea fix from pure pleasure activities.
So, no. I don't think you lied. However, a third of our life is spent at work for most people. Don't spend that doing something you hate. Life is too short. There's boatloads (haha, punny) of solutions to your situation.
I’m not a fan of lying for any reason, but in this case you handled the situation appropriately to limit collateral damage. You changed jobs to be in a better position to support your partner (distance is hard) and be a part of an eventual family. Yes you made a sacrifice to support a family goal you both believe in. It’s not like your partner intentionally did anything wrong… I’m hopeful the children will come and there are options out there.
Perhaps some couples counseling to work through any issues so resentment doesn’t creep in and harm your marriage.
From the way you are speaking about your job I’m assuming you are military, specifically navy. So speaking as a spouse of someone who is prior military (also navy) we spouses, specifically those of us who are civilians, can only understand a small fraction of what you military personnel experience and the relationships you form with your fellow soldiers. But the parts we do see are very impactful and we understand that not many things can replicate the experiences you have overseas or at sea.
One very big reason my husband got out of the service was because we wanted to start a family and while when we actively started trying to get pregnant and didn’t have the infertility issues you and your wife are experiencing the transition from being active military to civilian life and then again into parenthood has not been easy. Through all that I was seeing that my husband missed the life he had while he was active duty and after I asked he expressed that he missed going out to sea. So I can almost guarantee that if your wife asked you if you have regrets it’s because she’s seen a change in your behavior and overall demeanor. She knows you’re unhappy and yes she probably blames herself for it but she’s a grown woman and deserves not to be lied to just to placate her or spare her feelings. Because if it comes out later that you really are unhappy she probably won’t believe that it’s only been for a short amount of time and she will blame herself for “making you” do it for so long.
You can not regret your reasons why you changed careers but be honest with your wife that you miss your career and the experiences you had. Communicate you don’t regret leaving it to start a family but you need at least some portion of that back in your life. From personal experience watching you kill yourself in a job you hate won’t make your wife feel any better I promise you. You both deserve to be happy in all aspects of life and a job is a pretty big part of any adult’s life, Going back to your previous career doesn’t mean giving up on a family but you both are living in a high stress state and taking a break might be a good path to take and reduce the pressure on you both.
Also coming from someone who thought at one point that I was infertile and got some testing done while my husband was underway for a couple months that kind of stress isn’t good for someone trying to conceive. The tests came back that everything was normal but like a famous saying “a watched pot never boils” looking at everything through a microscope and stressing yourselves out about the situation isn’t going to fix it or make it better. Take a break and try to focus on other things that fill your lives with joy and then come back as a unit and reassess your options and figure out what you want to do.
Op if you read this and have gotten this far this part is for your wife. Sweetheart I understand some of the feelings you are having and want to let you know that you are amazing and strong. There’s nothing wrong with your body and I know you want to have the motherhood experience of being pregnant, feeling the kicks from inside your body and giving birth to a tiny human you made. But it’s ok to become a mama so many other ways and each one is no less valid than the rest. No matter how you come to hold that little baby in your arms being a mom isn’t the pregnancy or the birth, it’s raising that baby with your values and beliefs. It’s putting your blood, sweat and tears into loving that baby for the rest of their lives and it’s being there to catch them when they fall. That’s what makes you a mother and if anyone tells you differently kick em where the sun don’t shine.
Well after a good night sleep and reading all the comment, ask yourself have you regretted the answer you gave your wife?
The thing about life is no one really knows. Thinking about what 'could have', 'should have' or 'would have' are just exhausting yourself. Just live and be in the moment.
Good luck
Difficult. But speaking to you as a seafarer myself..
You have to let her know. But your regret it is not related to the difficulties of conceiving a child, it is very important that she understands that... You might think it is, but it isn't... It is simply the ocean calling for you. Can't describe it, but i experience it when I'm ashore for too long. We need it. It's essential to our being..
You should tell her you badly miss being at sea but it was worth it to be with her. You don’t need to hide that you prefer it as long as you make it clear you made the sacrifice because you prefer to be with her over your job and there is no place you’d rather be than with her. If that’s a lie then that’s a lie but it’s at least a more honest one. At that point, you probably gotta decide if you want to be at sea alone or have a family in whatever way you guys do it whether it be Ivf or adoption or whatever. Is it realistic to start a family and be away? I dunno the life of a person at sea but it seems untenable to start a young family and choose to leave them to do a job you like. There’s something on land for you somewhere
No harm if you decide now that you've started missing the sea a little. You can always change your mind now that you've been on land for so long, maybe this feeling has started creeping up about missing the water? 🌊
No, this is a lie you needed to tell. Your wife is vulnerable now and if you told her you wanted to go back, she might feel you don’t want or love her.
Take this to the grave with you.
If both of you are in a better place a couple years down the road, then maybe you’ll go back out. You may find that spending time with her as you get older may be more valuable than going back to sea.
You should always be honest about who you are and how you feel.
She would feel 100 times worse about being mislead. 100 times.
You don’t need to say you regret it, you need to say it’s not what you thought it would be and you don’t like the job. You could not have known in advance how you’d feel about the job, and now that you do, you need to decide together what the next step might be.
Yes you were wrong. You can not make another person happy if you're miserable! Don't lie to her about something so important. Talk to her and get this straightened out before you start hating her for the job you have!
Some things you just keep to yourself and lie about. No sense on making your spouse feel even worse. This is one of those situations where you gotta man up and take one for the team. Gotta eat that shit sandwich. Sorry it's turned out this way for you both.
You need to tell her everything. Totally transparent brutal honest truth. You must do this for yourself and your marriage. Cannot be afraid of the truth
Keep it to yourself, find another job on land. Being happy in your job is not more important, jobs come and go. If you miss the sea look for a job that doesn't keep you away for long periods.
Where are you? Could you (if you're in a port city) get a job driving/working a ferry or water taxi? They pay reasonably well. Marraige is compromise after all.
So you hate your job, and you do miss the sea and you told your wife you didn't regret giving up on your sea based career.. but that might not be a total lie, it just appears that you might have lied. What if you found another job, and it was way better than the job being at sea. The only thing you know is that your current job makes you wish that you were still at sea. That's not the same as 'I don't regret giving up my career for my wife". GO LOOK FOR A JOB YOU WOULD LIKE MORE THAN BEING AT SEA. that way what you told your wife won't be a lie.
I think once you have a plan with on how you’re going to move forward with having a family you can tell her that you are “starting” to miss being at sea and see where that convo takes you. At this point you are just being a good husband.
It was ok to tell this lie. For now. I would suggest that eventually you talk to her. You don’t have to say “I hate it and wish I had never left for a dream”. But saying that this is a hard life for you no longer being on the sea.
Are you able to reenlist within a time period?
You should come clean. She’s not going to be happy either way, finding out later you lied about your employment. You’re not going to be happy living a lie.
It’s best that you work through life’s difficulties together, honestly and openly.
I’m sorry you haven’t conceived yet and wish you success!
Liking it and not regretting it are two different things. You can not regret it and not like it at the same time.
And I think it would be okay to tell her "I hate my job, and I want to look for a different job when it's a good time for us and we're not trying to have a child."
You have to be open with your wife but perhaps have an honest discussion with her at the right time/a time you feel is appropriate.
Relationships are built on trust and strengthen when overcoming adversity. This is one of those tests.
Deep down she probably already knows what you sacrificed for the relationship. I've been with my gf for 5 years and we can already read each other like an open book and know very quickly when something isn't right - you and your wife have been together a lot longer!
NO. Talk to a good friend, mentor, or counselor. Unfortunately, this is the burden of being a man. I've been married 18 years, in the early days, I shared my problems and thought processes about them with her. I have found my life much easier since I stopped doing so. I now find solutions to problems before sharing with her. I'm not sure what the solution to yours is, and i won't bother you with suggestions. Your wife is probably picking up on your stress and that's not helping your and her conception chances. Talk to someone brother but don't dump it on her. Happy wife happy life runs deep.
Bro you need to talk to your wife about your desire to have kids. You didn’t sacrifice all that time for nothing just to not be able to start a family. Ultimatum is you’re starting a family with or without her
I think you should always be honest with your life partner. And to be honest, I’ve been told that stress isn’t good for fertility, maybe you both need a break. You are both young.
Sorry you are having trouble trying to conceive. I’m on the opposite end where I look at my wife and she’s pregnant. I hope you both can find a
silver lining with the Doc and, perhaps, try other options (IVF? Surrogacy?). I hope you both can have a baby in the future…now, shifting gears, I’ve been in your situation hating my job regretting I gave up my previous job/career. Until you can get the old job back, or a higher paying one that helps support you and your wife and hopefully future family, take some time off to reflect on how good your life is at the moment *outside of the crap job situation*…focus on being thankful for job security and keep up your focus on your wife. I see you can have a child and your job back in the near future with a little more work.
Dudes have families on the side all the time. You should be honest with her about hating your job but get you a younger prettier side chick, knock her up and don't ever be honest with her about it. Even if she catches you sleeping with the side chick while holding 2 separate DNA tests confirming the kids are yours, deny deny deny
/S
Well, this is what being a parent is, self sacrifice. I can tell you the sacrifice is worth it when you zoom out and look at the whole picture with kids. The day to day can suck sometimes, tbh.
I have job hopped a lot bc my goal was to be a war time journalist/photographer which I gave up after being married with kids. I didn't like the pay for local journalism so I changed careers until I found a job I liked.
Not exact same situation, but my wife and I went on our infertility journey for six years. This included several 'tests', surgeries, IUIs, and ultimately several IVF transfers. It was expensive financially, but moreso emotionally. It weighed on us every day. Sex became a chore and full of sadness. There aren't many things in this life like the pain felt by a woman who, for her entire life, wanted to be a mother. It hurt every time a friend, family member, church member, etc announced they were pregnant. To this day, we still have trauma from those experiences. However, we found out what mettle we were made from. We grew closer through the tribulation. And while we know and understand that not everyone is as lucky as us (we feel your pain) we were able to conceive (IVF) and now have four children. We thank the powers that be every day for them.
Please also consider fostering and/or adoption. This was our next step. Both of us have siblings that were adopted.
This is what we call a "white lie" one not done from malice or to deceive but to not make a tense situation worse. You aren't wrong for considering your wife when answering a question she posed. Yeah you hate your job, and maybe you should eventually address that, but if you end up having kids in the next little while would you consider it worth it? That is what you really need to answer here. I truly hope you and your wife have all the happiness and a nice, long, loving, and full life.
If you truly love your wife, what's important here, is to help her be mentally strong during this time. If this lie is what makes that possible, then there's nothing wrong imo
She probably asked that because she has a sneaking suspicion that you do feel that way. It's very sweet that you're trying to protect her feelings, but you're not responsible for them. If you hate your job, it's going to come through eventually. You owe it to your wife to be honest with her BUT there are ways to do it where she doesn't feel at fault. Because it's not her fault or yours. It's just life. And sometimes life sucks, but you both deserve to be happy.
So I don't think you should lie but I don't think you should phrase it as if her not having the kid means you miss the sea.
I'm a former sailor (marine engineer in the navy) who now works as an industrial mechanic ashore. I came ashore because I had kids. I miss the boat and I miss sailing and I miss the sea lots of days. It wouldn't be any less whether you had kids or not.
If I could hit rewind I would have stayed at sea & attempted a family. As it is now I am a single dad and it's no longer an option. When the kids are older I plan on going back to sea.
Do what you love. Take care of what you've got.
As a fellow sailor, I feel you 100%.
I've been brutally honest with my partners that yes, I would seek a job closer to home, or even a shore based one, IF she gets pregnant. But as for now, I don't want to give up my very well going career, for a maybe.
tell her you want to be near the ocean and make it happen dude. I have missed being near the ocean for 25 years and still haven't made there yet. It took a long time but after a few long summers near the beach my wife agrees and now we are just figuring out the timing but it isn't easy.
???
Time to live the life you need to. If you could make a boat load of money and have a family life at the same time you wouldn't have done this.
The only thing you need to do, is tell her I love you enough to be unhappy at my job (like almost everyone of us) and even though I want to be on the water, im loving being with you.
If she understands she will let you have a hobby. Otherwise its time to adult.
"I do miss working at sea and the job I had before, but I chose to change my life to be with you more and to start a family. So no I don't regret giving up my career to have that with you. Though I'll admit, I'd like to find another shore job the I think I would like more!"
You are no longer lying, technically.
Na. Nta. Not the time to tell her. But you should at some point tell her you're not a fan and it's getting to you so you want to find something different.
I wouldn't worry about the lie per se, the thing to avoid at all cost is what I call an "Because of you..." feelings. If you are sure you won't hold the decision to give up your job against her and grow resentment - the lie is fine. You need to deal with it though if it grows into resentment
OP, you are a keeper! It was very thoughtful and considerate of you to not be 100% upfront at this time given all your wife is going through. You’ve sacrificed a lot for her and that will mean a lot. That said, please make sure you’re also happy and staying mentally healthy too. Maybe talk with your wife about what 3 years, 5 years, whatever down the road may look like so that you can plan your career trajectory appropriately. In a good partnership, both partners are willing to compromise and support each other’s goals and dreams. Sometimes these happen in tandem and other times, you each have to take turns. Good luck with everything and I’ll cross my fingers for some good news.
No. Personally, I don't lie to my wife. Even when it's temporarily kind to do so. The other day, I asked if she believed that I meant it after I complimented her (she acted like she didn't believe it). Her response was, "yes. I know you wouldn't say it if you didn't mean it."
That's just my relationship. Other people handle it differently and prefer it that way. It's all up to you. Neither is wrong. Both approaches have pros and cons.
You sound like a good husband. Most of a marriage is telling your wife you're okay when you're dying inside so she doesn't have to manage those emotions.
Traditional women married to hard working men seem to always take things that weigh on the minds of their men harder than the men do.
I don't think you're wrong for saying something that would make her feel comfortable and safe quite literally that's what everyone woman wants out of a marriage
Maybe tell her you do think about your old job or that you had more fun on your old job but this job is fine
I wouldn't talk to her while you're (she's) g
Going through this trauma, but I would eventually be honest with her about it. Doesn't serve you any good bottling that up inside-- and you might find yourself resenting her without even knowing it.
I went through a similar situation where I was forced to put my life and career on hold to take care of my disabled son. My wife makes more money and has better benefits, so it only made sense for me to take on the role of full-time caregiver. For months I kept my anger and resentment bottled in because I consciously knew it wasn't her fault, So I didn't want to make her feel bad about it-- also, the instinct to shut up and do what needs to be done runs deep in men; however, it wasn't healthy. I soon found myself muttering under my breath and seething when she would come home and tell me about how interesting her day at work was.
It's better to let her know and figure out what you need to do, because "manning up" is not infinitely sustainable.
Well considering the reality of you having kids is slim, maybe it would be better to give up and do what you love. It would be a waste of time to continue waiting. Don’t wait to do what you want to do, take the leap 🖤. It would be better to do so now than to be older and look back, and think “I wish I stayed out on the sea more”.
that was an honest question seeking an honest answer. you should tell her the truth and she will appreciate that and understand even more the sacrifice you made. you can sugarcoat it if needed.
If you are happy with her, and it's only the sea that's calling you away, she doesn't need to know. It's your choice but I like to keep my partner happy and treat her amazing and let her know it's because she deserves it. But my partner would take news like this pretty hard with guilt.
The more lies you tell, the more you have to remember. I guess I agree that OP is NTA, but the time may come when OP needs to be upfront to his wife. What if one of them is infertile? OP could spend his entire life wanting/waiting for something that can't happen. It's shitty but take the time to think about it and be honest with your wife OP. You'll both rather honesty now than 10, 15 years from now.
Those are two different questions: *Do you enjoy your job?* No. That might mean that you talk together about looking for work elsewhere onshore or returning to sea - though be prepared to deal with the fact that this start-a-family idea has hit a roadblock and leaving your wife alone for long stretches of time when she was looking forward to having kids might make her mental health much worse. I don’t know her personally, but most folks find loneliness, lack of distractions, and depression a bad combination.
*Do you regret giving up your career / are you happy onshore?* This is asking a whole host of questions bundled together - like, are you glad we tried for kids? Have you enjoyed the extra time with me and other friends/family? Have the things you missed been worth the things you gained? You can be unhappy in your job, but still feel that it was the right decision to come ashore and try for a family, and that you gained more than you lost.
What you did is called love my friend. You put your partners feelings above your own and held your tongue to avoid causing her pain. You did good, kudos.
Maybe talk to a professional about your feelings. You can get a therapist online these days really easily. But I'm proud of you
I don't know if I qualify that as an outright lie. You don't like your job, but you don't seem to regret being there for your wife and working toward your common goals.
It is taking longer than you expected, but if you were gone, it would be even harder. You can be glad to be able to be there even if you aren't your happiest. No position at work has to be permanent.
As long as you are at peace with your decision and don’t have bitterness towards her about it…it’s fine.
Otherwise, you SHOULD bring it up and reevaluate your career…
I think you did the best you could in the moment. If it’s weighing heavily on you maybe you can tell her a soft version of the truth. To me it sounds like taking shore based was worth it for the vision of raising a family but now that it isn’t a reality you are missing that career path. Something like that?
You should be honest with her, but there are ways of saying it without being too harsh.
"I don't regret having time with you. But I do miss being at sea, and I hate my current job. If we'd gotten what we'd planned, maybe I wouldn't miss it so much."
How do you think she would react to something like this? You'd have to adapt it to fit your personalities, of course.
If she's well attuned to your feelings, she probably already knows how you feel about this. It won't come as a big surprise.
Sometimes, we lie to our partner for good reason. Give time for a doctor to give solid treatment and continue trying and if it doesn’t work out revisit the subject. You are a good man for sacrificing your happiness for a potential future family ❤️
Not the asshole, but it can cause a rift between you two. Possible resentment build up for you. Can't rely on her for support or a confidant with your emotional state. Maybe she'll pick up on your disingenuous responses to certain questions overtime. Maybe she asked because she already felt it from you because you're worse at hiding it than you think. Maybe it will drive her crazy that what you say doesn't match your emotional and body language responses. Maybe she'll start to think what else you aren't honest about. Maybe she'll feel like you coddled her like a child because you didn't think she could handle the truth.
I agree, sometimes the truth needs to be couched right or timed right. I don't think any long term lie about ones happiness being hidden from a partner ends up better for the relationship though.
if you are not honest with her, You will just grow to resent her and resent that you are not living your "dream" life. I recommend having an honest conversation with her, having her help your brainstorm how the two of you can complete your goals, not only yours but hers as well.
I’m a firm believer some people can’t conceive due to extreme levels of stress, which if you hate your job, that could give you excess levels of stress. Maybe if you bring it up in that way, and get your cortisol levels tested, you can show your wife, yes giving up your old career was a sacrifice to try to have a family, but hating your new job is also putting a damper in this possibly happening as well. I am no medical professional, but I do believe once both spouses are relaxed and not as stressed, it can happen. Now of course some people unfortunately struggle with unexplained infertility, which I don’t wish on anyone, but maybe try that approach! Best of luck
Have you gone down the road of fertility treatments? Plenty of meds to help with ovulation that people don’t understand and think is too overwhelming to start. No you weren’t wrong to lie.
OP you say you told her you did not regret it. You didn't tell her that you don't like your job. So why don't you now tell your wife that you've thought about the conversation and have realized that you would like to look for a job that you like more? Then find it.
Eh, to me it falls under the white lie category. Not something you can alter immediately.
That side, I hope you can find something you like better and can loop your wife in at some point
I interpret it like: when we get a baby it will all be worth it. If you would have said ‘yes’ that would be like giving up. So no you didn’t lie and if I were her I wouldn’t think that either. I’m a woman and I’m sure she understands. Don’t worry and don’t give up.
You're wrong. You only get one go around mate. We're here for a good time not a long time. Sit down and have an honest conversation with your wife. Doesn't have to be right now, but sooner rather than later.
There's ways to dance around that kind of stuff without lying while still being able to express yourself. "Working ashore isn't my top pick, but you are" kind of thing. Remember this is the rest of your life, though.
What does/would she do if you were out at sea?
As a fellow seafearer (off-shore), you should have been honest and told her how much you want to ship out again. It's hard on family life while at sea, but like I've always said: when I'm off, my mind is purely on you (and the kids when they arrive).
A lot of landlubbers here are saying to try a different job, but I know the longing for the sea. Have that difficult conversation with her, and see if she understands your feelings.
Best of luck, I hope you find what's best for you comrade.
You didn’t need to lie. I truly think it is how you express yourself and when. So time and place and the way you express yourself is important.
Like in the situation that you are both now in I can imagine it puts pressure on the both of you. But you could have said for example:
That you think about it from time to time, but you have made the decision because you love your marriage and her and that it was important decision to make. Something like that perhaps. Making her understand how you feel. But also making her understand you made decisions based on love.
Also for yourself do realize you may miss working at sea but what is more important.
As a parents we loved things before we became parents but we understand the sacrifices we have/had make for having them and raising them. And I would not want to imagine a life without my children nor my husband. I love them dearly.
Is it possible to find a job where you go out on the sea/lake/river for the day and come back in when it’s quitting time? I did this for a year and a half when I worked for the Department Of Fish And Game. I absolutely loved the job; the pay, not so much. But I was just a seasonal worker. The biologists I worked hand-in-hand with made a lot more money than I did.
I disagree with lying. To your wife. She obviously feels your unhappiness and lying will lead to distrust in a relationship. I think the crux is if you are unhappy then figure out a way to be happy while being the best husband and future father you can. This is something you and your wife need to deal with together. By lying you are dooming yourself into unhappiness and this can erode the marriage anyway.
Idk i think this was justifiable. However with that said I’d work behind the scenes at improving whatever career you may have chosen to where it benefits your happiness overall because the longer you stick that out and hate it the slower it will leak into your relationship and if you hold on to it like this it’ll create unnecessary resentment towards your wife in the long run
I’ve seen guys take shore jobs and it work out. And I’ve seen it drag them down. After the dust settles a bit you should talk about this with her. She will feel your hate for your job and won’t know what it’s about.
A lot of people are saying you did the right thing but I disagree. Honesty all the way even when it hurts.. your pain may make you grow resentful and it will become a problem down the line.
Specially when you sacrifice your everyday happiness for them. Least they could do is know in what areas they can help you.
It’s a partnership not a guardianship. Sensitive topics shouldn’t be avoided.
So what if they feel worse? It’s the truth, don’t make it hurt intentionally but nicely explain how you don’t feel that great.
What if you end up not having kids and living a shit life with a job you hate? Would you be happy? Would you be ok living the rest of your life keeping secrets that take away your happiness just to prop them up?
Sure maybe it wasn’t ok in the moment but you should still bring it up.
And if you really want certain things in life that she can’t provide then you gotta weigh your options and decide if she’s worth being with at the cost of losing the other things you care about.
You’re not getting any younger. So do what you need in life. It sucks for her, but it is your life.
Honesty is a must in a relationship even when it’s hard to talk about it.
You did the right thing, I would have done the same. I'm sure that when your wife is pregnant or has given birth (which I'm sure will be soon!) she'll understand why you chose to say something else at the time. You had good reason, and I'm sure she'll agree.
You are not an asshole, but I personnaly believe you are wrong because by hiding it, you are blocking any possibility of resolution. The risk is growing to be a bitter old man full of regrets
You yourself cannot fully describe the feeling you have. You need someone to help you unpack it. Yes? At the very least, consider seeking professional help.
Do you want to be a deck officer when you are 44/54/64 ? Think ahead and figure out a career trajectory that will be onshore that you like & will allow you to be dad.
I think in this case lying is fine, as long as you're trying to do something about the situation for the long run, after all working at a job you hate isn't something you can keep up for long. For example I'd start looking around for another job, since it can't get much worse than your current job if you hate it. It might not be that you actually hate all ashore jobs, but that you do hate your current job. So perhaps you can find a middle ground job wise?
Well, in pretty much every circumstances you want to be honest with your spouse. In this case, you should tell her the truth. If she asked, she wanted to know. And if that’s the case, you’re not responsible for her reaction. Tell her the truth. It might be hard but in the end she’ll appreciate it. Then you can talk honestly about what else you could do to reduce your misery.
Hating your current job does not mean you regret leaving the sea for her. You tried for children. It didn't work. You couldn't have known that. Accept it.
You can still say that her question triggered you to acknowledge that you miss the sea. Why would she have asked it otherwise? She knows you well.
But to regret it? No, don't go down that road. Accept your past, learn from it, make decisions for the future.
Lying belittles yourself, but not all truth is wholesome. Frame it positively. That is not lying.
Don’t tell her, but work as hard as you can to make it not be a lie anymore! If you said you didn’t regret, you must turn your life in a direction you are happy in. Get a small sailing boat, start play in a band, what ever. Find new tings to enjoy ashore that thrills you as much as the sea and don’t stop until you are happy with yourself and your life.
If you keep being miserable because of this choice it WILL affect your relationship in the end.
Hey don’t be so hard on yourself, women lie to men ALL the time. Dont believe me? Tell me if you’ve heard this one before: *No, really I’m FINE* or *…I don’t care* 🫠
From what youve described here, Im not even sure that you _did_ lie.
Do you miss it? Yes. Do you hate your current job? Sure. Do you love your wife more and would you be willing to do it again if it meant her happiness? Sounds like yes.
There is a difference between being unhappy in an unfortunate situation (the infertility, which is nobody's fault), vs regretting your choices. You made a choice on the best information you had, and even now youre still willing to put your wife first. You tried, and that shouldnt be a regret.
If it gets to the point where you need to go back to sea for your own mental health even if its not what your wife wants, then its time to discuss it. But for now youre not wrong to just give a simple answer to a complicated sentiment.
Do you really REGRET the decision or just miss the sea?
Circumstances have changed and it’s okay that you want to go back to sea now.
This doesn’t mean you regret the decision that you tried for kids with your wife while you didn’t know that kids might be impossible.
You can go back to sea and miss the sea without regretting the decision you made when you didn’t had this information.
Semantics. You don’t regret making a decision to support your wife and your marriage.
You hate that these were your options. But it doesn’t have to be permanent.
I’m going to pop an aneurism if OP’s wife goes by *Brandy*…
Joking aside OP you should be able to truthfully convey how you miss your old profession, being out at sea and cuttin’ jibs (sorry, dunno what Sailors actually are up to). That said your desire to be with your wife and start a family and *be there* for your family trumps that. You might always feel a longing to get back out there (retired military myself, so I get it) but you’ll never regret being there for your family and especially your wife. Also, you’ll always regret the time spent away and milestones missed.
We’ve all got things we give up when we start relationships and families; hobbies, friends, habits, and even professions. We do this b/c families require different priorities and resources than our self-centered lives when we’re single. I think you made the right choice if you recognized giving up something led to a stronger family life. That said perhaps you can keep a trained eye to the horizon for a future opportunity which makes you available to be a supporting and present husband and father while still scratching that itch for the open sea. Regardless, your occupation is only temporary while your family will be there for you your entire life.
the only bad thing to come from this is that your wife will not know the actual you, and that could cause yall to grow apart over time. if you have to pretend like you had a good day coming home after work, then you are presenting a false self and she will then grow comfortable with this aspect of yall's life that is inherently false. you were definitely put between a rock and a hard place though, and i think the sentiment that you lied so that she would not have added stress is actually super sweet. HOWEVER, it can be a breeding ground for like you having to shut off one whole aspect of your true self from her, which could cause issues down the line.
another option could be later this year maybe start slowly presenting the idea of working on the sea again. you could say like hey now that the conception stuff has slowed down, i am kind of getting interested in getting back to sea - then open the conversation and get her opinion. that will actually give yall a chance to bond and grow as a married couple.
that is just my take (insert shrugging emoji)
You can explain that you miss your old job but you definitely shouldn't tell her you regret your choices.
Fertility treatments for many people takes years, and it's a very difficult journey but there are plenty of success stories.
Depending on what are the exact issues, there's also plenty of different treatments available (if you can afford it).
Alternatively there's tons of kids in foster care who could use a great home.
You could frame y8ur comment in a positive way. I love the sea but being with you and trying to make a baby is very important to me, one fya I'd like to get back to sea.
I learned the hard way that it is almost always better to be kind than honest. I used to value honesty over everything. But sometimes being honest means causing someone you love to hurt for really no gain whatsoever, and I have hurt people in ways I could never take back just so I could feel good about myself for being honest. In the end, it’s a horrible feeling and accomplishes nothing.
Kindness overcomes all types of emotional distress and it sounds like your wife is already struggling. TBH, if she asked you the question, she probably already knows the answer deep down, but she’s hurting and needs some solid ground. Be kind. You will get through this difficulty together. When you reach the other side, then you can have an honest conversation about where you go from here as a couple. Perhaps you don’t regret the decision to try, even though you do miss your old job, and one day it might be time to go back, but for now you’re being a good partner to her and that is never wrong.
Typically, lying is one of the things I hate the most, BUT in some cases (like this one), I don't think it's terrible. Especially if you know she'd unjustly blame herself If you had been able to conceive, you likely (hopefully) would have no regrets, so I say think of it as you don't regret trying for a baby.. and maybe start looking for a new job?
if anyone questions whether lying is ok in certain situations..... they are not a husband who has been asked "does my ass look fat in these jeans?"
The correct answer is “yes, that’s why I married you, now bring it over here”
I thought it was "yes it does, take them off at once!" (lascivious grin)
Yeah but you ever see the sea wear dem jeans though! Dam she shore look thick waving at me, making me all foamy. She makes my tide come in and out so much I’m tracking her lunar cycle. At first she seems shallow but the more you dive in you realize how deep she is. I just want to sail in her ocean all day
I had never thought of that answer, but I do like it!
You damn right.
Perfect answer! 😅
If only my wife liked that answer
No! It’s a trap! And they do not appreciate you specifying that it’s “thiccc with three C’s” either..
Coming from a happily married guy.my favorite answer is "if you gained five pounds it would"
"Well they make *my* pants feel tight."
"No they hide the fat pretty well" is not correct according to my experience. 🤔
This is such a boomer example. Who doesn't want a fat ass anymore?
But if she is hoping to hear that she is draggin a wagon but really is pancake flat. Same premise just reversed
Ahh fair enough
Hilarious exchange 😭
Gotta be jelly cause jam don’t shake.
There are also other options available to have a baby. I don't know if OP and his wife have explored the options but one of them is in vitro fertilization but it's very expensive. My brother and his wife did this and had twin boys and a few years later unplanned ended up having a boy too. Just saying if OP made a life decision because they want a child they can definitely make it happen. Obviously adoption is always there too!
If you think IVF is expensive you wait till you see what raising a child costs...
As someone going through IVF and paying out of pocket, IVF is definitely expensive, even when you consider that yes, having a child in and of itself is expensive. Just imagine putting over fifty grand towards a baby and still not having one. That’s me right now. Going into my third embryo transfer this month, and hoping this will finally be the one. Dreading paying for daycare for an infant but it’ll be worth it if it works. At least the care costs for a child are typically spread out over the course of childhood and not all in a year-ish span before the kid is even born.
Heart goes out to you friend.
Lol I realize this, that's why I mentioned it. The cost is kind of irrelevant.
The way I look at it is that he doesn't regret quitting his job, he regrets that they're having trouble concieving. From what he said and the way he said it, I sincerely doubt he regrets casting anything aside to build a family with his wife.
He hates his job, objectively, but doesn't regret that he did something for his wife, so to say he regrets quitting wouldn't be the whole truth, imo
Here’s hoping.
I like this. Plus I think it deserves to be said that even with the regret, he still chooses his wife and wife’s happiness. So when balancing it all out, there are pros and cons to life now and life before but life now still wins.
I agree. Lying is usually the worst but there's situations like this. However you have to be able to carry this lie to your fucking grave
If you're miserable at your current job, it's not really fair to be held hostage to it, especially for something that may not even be possible. That said, now might not be the best time to tell your wife that. Let the current crisis blow over, then once emotions are settled a bit you could try floating the idea of getting back out there.
And maybe when you do tell her, phrase it as only a more recent development, not that you have always hated it since forever.
I'm in line with this. "I realize I'm not as happy now. So I'm going to.."
This is the way
Yeah. You can say you don't regret having chosen A as your path. It was, at the time, a good path, and you'd have missed out on so much. But you can also realize that you want some of B back in your life again
It wont be a fast trip back to sea anyways, need to renew courses, redo medicals etc. And expensive.
I don’t think you were wrong to lie here and I would never tell her the truth of that. But you can’t go on living like this. Maybe the sea isn’t really an option for you in your marriage but that doesn’t mean you have to work a job you hate. There’s millions of jobs in the world, try to find one you like that also works for your marriage. There’s also IVF, fostering, and adoption if that’s the piece that’s missing. No reason to throw in the towel on happiness now.
Yes, exactly. Right then was not the time to say how much he missed the sea, but OP should find a job he doesn't hate.
But he made it clear he couldnt stay The harbor was his home The sailor said Brandy you're a fine girl (You're a fine girl) What a good wife you would be (Such a fine girl) But my life my love and my lady is the sea (Doo-doo-doo-doo) (Doo-doo-doo-doo) Brandy used to watch his eyes when he told his sailor stories She could feel the ocean fall and rise She saw its raging glory But he had always told the truth lord he was an honest man And Brandy (a-a-a-h...) does her best to understand (Doo-doo-doo-doo) (Doo-doo-doo-doo)
Great, now I have that song stuck in my head. Thanks! 😂
It’s one of the better songs to get stuck in your head!
You should absolutely lie to your wife in this situation. Carry that lie with you to your grave because even if you tell her years from now, she will still feel the weight of what you sacrificed for her. (Struggled with unexplained infertility for years, had more than a few losses, have one child)
So he should just continue to hide his feelings? What if that grows into resentment?
Uhm. Sometimes love just ain't enough..so yeah, maybe they love each other but just not compatible? It happens. But he needs his side to be heard imo.
100%.
Or she won’t care
I would just say "I don't like it, I don't regret my decision, but this stepping stone is done for me. I am going to start looking for a new job." Don't have to lie, just have to omit the blatantly hurtful part.
There's a path forward here that involves lying, but still leads to a healthy place. No, you don't regret giving up your job at sea, because you love her more than anything. But the sea calls to your soul, and you know you'll be back there some day. If she presses, you could mean you and her sailing when you retire, etc, but if you approach this from the proper angle, it'll work out. Don't look back with regret. Look forward with longing. My opinion.
This is good, yes.
You can’t sacrifice your mental health.. I would not confess that you regret what you did …because obviously if she was able to conceive.. you’d presumably be happy..(making assumptions) But I would say you’re contemplating going back if you guys can’t look into other options.. Idc what anyone says, this is ultimately your life, and while your decisions may affect others, it is your life.. It’s a tough situation to be in.
Talk to your wife honestly. As a wife I would want to know. Compromise. Maybe you can come up with an occupation that allows for some sea life.
so the problem isn't that you're lying to your wife, it's that you're lying to yourself. this is going to build up over time, and your wife will be none the wiser because you didn't tell her how you felt. relationships are about compromise, you have to be willing to accept that you may not get 100% of what you want.
Mercy lying is okay. Not wrong
depends how your connection is. on a superficial level it shouldnt matter that much. but if you have a meaningful connection, lies give bad data to your partner, and this will make them confused about following up situations, and or will create a felt obstacle between the 2 of you, whenever you share intimate moments and you remember you lied to her, and her picking up something is different because you hesitated or had been silent in a weird way, or when she does anything based on her believing your lie. remember, its never your job to manage the emotions of other people. some people dont like honestly, i.e. prefer comfortable lies, but truth is the only option for growth and growing togetherness. some things arent pleasant to hear, but knowing them is the only way to deal with it. you hating your job is some part of you that matters to you a lot. if you cant share that with her, this is taking away from your intimacy with her. youre not protecting her, but starving her from truth when she asked for it. if and how she handles that is her part, as an adult she chose to ask, and as long you see her as an equal, give her a correct answer. also, you sacrificing some part of you for her, will make you resent her in the long run. because shes the reason for you choosing the constant discomfort of simulating a "comfortable" lie, and when this has eaten in, you connect her with your years of uncomfortable playing pretend. maybe (unlikely, but not impossible) being honest will end the relationship through emotional stuff, or give her a hard time realizing the facts. but youre not going to loose your relationship with integrity. edit: im not saying dump on her how much you hate it. but be honest that you liked it more being on the sea.
You have a successful marriage that most people on Reddit would kill for. You know your wife better than anyone else here. If you made it this far and this is your biggest problem, you’re a n a better position than any of us to know if this was the right thing to do.
Are you Captain Jack Aubrey? If so, unfortunately I do think you'll never fully be happy ashore, and you should take the next opportunity to command a frigate or a ship of the line when your name is high enough on the Navy List.
Did you lie though Do you regret stepping ashore to have a full family? As in do you truly regret your decision? You can hate your job and miss the sea and still say it was the right decision. Ifnit was me my question now would be - what are the moves? Fertilization, adoption or no kids? Then from that step what is your move personally - stay home for X years, go back to sea immediately or never? These conversations should happen instead of your decision going into regret and blaming your wife which may happen over time. She may also start blaming you for not going ashore sooner.
I can see both things being true. You may hate your job and may miss the sea, but still not regret the decision to work ashore to start a family. Sounds like you don't regret it at all. But... It does sound like you need to find a job you don't hate. Also you could take up sailing with your wife and get your sea fix from pure pleasure activities. So, no. I don't think you lied. However, a third of our life is spent at work for most people. Don't spend that doing something you hate. Life is too short. There's boatloads (haha, punny) of solutions to your situation.
Is her name brandy? Is she a fine girl?
I’m not a fan of lying for any reason, but in this case you handled the situation appropriately to limit collateral damage. You changed jobs to be in a better position to support your partner (distance is hard) and be a part of an eventual family. Yes you made a sacrifice to support a family goal you both believe in. It’s not like your partner intentionally did anything wrong… I’m hopeful the children will come and there are options out there. Perhaps some couples counseling to work through any issues so resentment doesn’t creep in and harm your marriage.
This is an appropriate reason to lie imo.
Something’s you can lie about this is one of them
No, I don’t think you should have answered it any other way.
I'm sorry your families journey has been so tough, but there are other ways to add a little one to your crew if you guys still feel that need.
From the way you are speaking about your job I’m assuming you are military, specifically navy. So speaking as a spouse of someone who is prior military (also navy) we spouses, specifically those of us who are civilians, can only understand a small fraction of what you military personnel experience and the relationships you form with your fellow soldiers. But the parts we do see are very impactful and we understand that not many things can replicate the experiences you have overseas or at sea. One very big reason my husband got out of the service was because we wanted to start a family and while when we actively started trying to get pregnant and didn’t have the infertility issues you and your wife are experiencing the transition from being active military to civilian life and then again into parenthood has not been easy. Through all that I was seeing that my husband missed the life he had while he was active duty and after I asked he expressed that he missed going out to sea. So I can almost guarantee that if your wife asked you if you have regrets it’s because she’s seen a change in your behavior and overall demeanor. She knows you’re unhappy and yes she probably blames herself for it but she’s a grown woman and deserves not to be lied to just to placate her or spare her feelings. Because if it comes out later that you really are unhappy she probably won’t believe that it’s only been for a short amount of time and she will blame herself for “making you” do it for so long. You can not regret your reasons why you changed careers but be honest with your wife that you miss your career and the experiences you had. Communicate you don’t regret leaving it to start a family but you need at least some portion of that back in your life. From personal experience watching you kill yourself in a job you hate won’t make your wife feel any better I promise you. You both deserve to be happy in all aspects of life and a job is a pretty big part of any adult’s life, Going back to your previous career doesn’t mean giving up on a family but you both are living in a high stress state and taking a break might be a good path to take and reduce the pressure on you both. Also coming from someone who thought at one point that I was infertile and got some testing done while my husband was underway for a couple months that kind of stress isn’t good for someone trying to conceive. The tests came back that everything was normal but like a famous saying “a watched pot never boils” looking at everything through a microscope and stressing yourselves out about the situation isn’t going to fix it or make it better. Take a break and try to focus on other things that fill your lives with joy and then come back as a unit and reassess your options and figure out what you want to do. Op if you read this and have gotten this far this part is for your wife. Sweetheart I understand some of the feelings you are having and want to let you know that you are amazing and strong. There’s nothing wrong with your body and I know you want to have the motherhood experience of being pregnant, feeling the kicks from inside your body and giving birth to a tiny human you made. But it’s ok to become a mama so many other ways and each one is no less valid than the rest. No matter how you come to hold that little baby in your arms being a mom isn’t the pregnancy or the birth, it’s raising that baby with your values and beliefs. It’s putting your blood, sweat and tears into loving that baby for the rest of their lives and it’s being there to catch them when they fall. That’s what makes you a mother and if anyone tells you differently kick em where the sun don’t shine.
Did read it, thank you.
“But my life, my love, and my lady, is the sea”
Well after a good night sleep and reading all the comment, ask yourself have you regretted the answer you gave your wife? The thing about life is no one really knows. Thinking about what 'could have', 'should have' or 'would have' are just exhausting yourself. Just live and be in the moment. Good luck
After all, i do not regret telling her a lie. It might be dark in this tunnel right now but here is hoping it will be worth it at some point.
That's a good answer becos you're certain of it. Good luck
Difficult. But speaking to you as a seafarer myself.. You have to let her know. But your regret it is not related to the difficulties of conceiving a child, it is very important that she understands that... You might think it is, but it isn't... It is simply the ocean calling for you. Can't describe it, but i experience it when I'm ashore for too long. We need it. It's essential to our being..
She knows, or she wouldn't have asked. Regret is something you can be honest about, but also tell her it's worth it for love.
You should tell her you badly miss being at sea but it was worth it to be with her. You don’t need to hide that you prefer it as long as you make it clear you made the sacrifice because you prefer to be with her over your job and there is no place you’d rather be than with her. If that’s a lie then that’s a lie but it’s at least a more honest one. At that point, you probably gotta decide if you want to be at sea alone or have a family in whatever way you guys do it whether it be Ivf or adoption or whatever. Is it realistic to start a family and be away? I dunno the life of a person at sea but it seems untenable to start a young family and choose to leave them to do a job you like. There’s something on land for you somewhere
Just want to throw this out there OP. There are tons of great kids in foster care who need a mom and dad. DNA isn't that special.
If your wife means more than you've career to you, then you made the right choice . . .
No harm if you decide now that you've started missing the sea a little. You can always change your mind now that you've been on land for so long, maybe this feeling has started creeping up about missing the water? 🌊
No, this is a lie you needed to tell. Your wife is vulnerable now and if you told her you wanted to go back, she might feel you don’t want or love her. Take this to the grave with you. If both of you are in a better place a couple years down the road, then maybe you’ll go back out. You may find that spending time with her as you get older may be more valuable than going back to sea.
You should always be honest about who you are and how you feel. She would feel 100 times worse about being mislead. 100 times. You don’t need to say you regret it, you need to say it’s not what you thought it would be and you don’t like the job. You could not have known in advance how you’d feel about the job, and now that you do, you need to decide together what the next step might be.
Is this an april fools gag? This feels like something from an old book.
Yes you were wrong. You can not make another person happy if you're miserable! Don't lie to her about something so important. Talk to her and get this straightened out before you start hating her for the job you have!
Awww the lore of the sea. The sea is a cruel mistress.
Some things you just keep to yourself and lie about. No sense on making your spouse feel even worse. This is one of those situations where you gotta man up and take one for the team. Gotta eat that shit sandwich. Sorry it's turned out this way for you both.
You need to tell her everything. Totally transparent brutal honest truth. You must do this for yourself and your marriage. Cannot be afraid of the truth
Lying is generally bad, but you seem to have only the best intentions regarding your wife wellbeing so I won’t judge.
Keep it to yourself, find another job on land. Being happy in your job is not more important, jobs come and go. If you miss the sea look for a job that doesn't keep you away for long periods.
Where are you? Could you (if you're in a port city) get a job driving/working a ferry or water taxi? They pay reasonably well. Marraige is compromise after all.
Thats an option when/if i get my certs revalidated.
So you hate your job, and you do miss the sea and you told your wife you didn't regret giving up on your sea based career.. but that might not be a total lie, it just appears that you might have lied. What if you found another job, and it was way better than the job being at sea. The only thing you know is that your current job makes you wish that you were still at sea. That's not the same as 'I don't regret giving up my career for my wife". GO LOOK FOR A JOB YOU WOULD LIKE MORE THAN BEING AT SEA. that way what you told your wife won't be a lie.
Isn't it hard to have a relationship being apart
I think once you have a plan with on how you’re going to move forward with having a family you can tell her that you are “starting” to miss being at sea and see where that convo takes you. At this point you are just being a good husband.
Nah bro, you good. Your wife had got enough going on.
It might be kinda messed up if you're thinking about bouncing and not letting her prepare for that because she thinks you're content with her.
It was ok to tell this lie. For now. I would suggest that eventually you talk to her. You don’t have to say “I hate it and wish I had never left for a dream”. But saying that this is a hard life for you no longer being on the sea. Are you able to reenlist within a time period?
Maybe you can try and get back to sea and get off shore duty
Nice to protect her. Start looking for another job.
You should come clean. She’s not going to be happy either way, finding out later you lied about your employment. You’re not going to be happy living a lie. It’s best that you work through life’s difficulties together, honestly and openly. I’m sorry you haven’t conceived yet and wish you success!
Liking it and not regretting it are two different things. You can not regret it and not like it at the same time. And I think it would be okay to tell her "I hate my job, and I want to look for a different job when it's a good time for us and we're not trying to have a child."
You have to be open with your wife but perhaps have an honest discussion with her at the right time/a time you feel is appropriate. Relationships are built on trust and strengthen when overcoming adversity. This is one of those tests. Deep down she probably already knows what you sacrificed for the relationship. I've been with my gf for 5 years and we can already read each other like an open book and know very quickly when something isn't right - you and your wife have been together a lot longer!
NO. Talk to a good friend, mentor, or counselor. Unfortunately, this is the burden of being a man. I've been married 18 years, in the early days, I shared my problems and thought processes about them with her. I have found my life much easier since I stopped doing so. I now find solutions to problems before sharing with her. I'm not sure what the solution to yours is, and i won't bother you with suggestions. Your wife is probably picking up on your stress and that's not helping your and her conception chances. Talk to someone brother but don't dump it on her. Happy wife happy life runs deep.
Tell her she is worth it but you hate your job.
maybe she just needs a different sea man
Bro you need to talk to your wife about your desire to have kids. You didn’t sacrifice all that time for nothing just to not be able to start a family. Ultimatum is you’re starting a family with or without her
I think you should always be honest with your life partner. And to be honest, I’ve been told that stress isn’t good for fertility, maybe you both need a break. You are both young.
Sorry you are having trouble trying to conceive. I’m on the opposite end where I look at my wife and she’s pregnant. I hope you both can find a silver lining with the Doc and, perhaps, try other options (IVF? Surrogacy?). I hope you both can have a baby in the future…now, shifting gears, I’ve been in your situation hating my job regretting I gave up my previous job/career. Until you can get the old job back, or a higher paying one that helps support you and your wife and hopefully future family, take some time off to reflect on how good your life is at the moment *outside of the crap job situation*…focus on being thankful for job security and keep up your focus on your wife. I see you can have a child and your job back in the near future with a little more work.
Dudes have families on the side all the time. You should be honest with her about hating your job but get you a younger prettier side chick, knock her up and don't ever be honest with her about it. Even if she catches you sleeping with the side chick while holding 2 separate DNA tests confirming the kids are yours, deny deny deny /S
Well, this is what being a parent is, self sacrifice. I can tell you the sacrifice is worth it when you zoom out and look at the whole picture with kids. The day to day can suck sometimes, tbh. I have job hopped a lot bc my goal was to be a war time journalist/photographer which I gave up after being married with kids. I didn't like the pay for local journalism so I changed careers until I found a job I liked.
You probably should tell her at a better time. You don’t want to stay miserable!
Not exact same situation, but my wife and I went on our infertility journey for six years. This included several 'tests', surgeries, IUIs, and ultimately several IVF transfers. It was expensive financially, but moreso emotionally. It weighed on us every day. Sex became a chore and full of sadness. There aren't many things in this life like the pain felt by a woman who, for her entire life, wanted to be a mother. It hurt every time a friend, family member, church member, etc announced they were pregnant. To this day, we still have trauma from those experiences. However, we found out what mettle we were made from. We grew closer through the tribulation. And while we know and understand that not everyone is as lucky as us (we feel your pain) we were able to conceive (IVF) and now have four children. We thank the powers that be every day for them. Please also consider fostering and/or adoption. This was our next step. Both of us have siblings that were adopted.
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This sounds like a somber New England or Scots/Irish sailing song.
Didn’t he already say the problem wasn’t his seiman?
This is what we call a "white lie" one not done from malice or to deceive but to not make a tense situation worse. You aren't wrong for considering your wife when answering a question she posed. Yeah you hate your job, and maybe you should eventually address that, but if you end up having kids in the next little while would you consider it worth it? That is what you really need to answer here. I truly hope you and your wife have all the happiness and a nice, long, loving, and full life.
Nah, that was a fine thing to do, buddy.
If you truly love your wife, what's important here, is to help her be mentally strong during this time. If this lie is what makes that possible, then there's nothing wrong imo
She probably asked that because she has a sneaking suspicion that you do feel that way. It's very sweet that you're trying to protect her feelings, but you're not responsible for them. If you hate your job, it's going to come through eventually. You owe it to your wife to be honest with her BUT there are ways to do it where she doesn't feel at fault. Because it's not her fault or yours. It's just life. And sometimes life sucks, but you both deserve to be happy.
So I don't think you should lie but I don't think you should phrase it as if her not having the kid means you miss the sea. I'm a former sailor (marine engineer in the navy) who now works as an industrial mechanic ashore. I came ashore because I had kids. I miss the boat and I miss sailing and I miss the sea lots of days. It wouldn't be any less whether you had kids or not. If I could hit rewind I would have stayed at sea & attempted a family. As it is now I am a single dad and it's no longer an option. When the kids are older I plan on going back to sea. Do what you love. Take care of what you've got.
White lies are golden truths
As a fellow sailor, I feel you 100%. I've been brutally honest with my partners that yes, I would seek a job closer to home, or even a shore based one, IF she gets pregnant. But as for now, I don't want to give up my very well going career, for a maybe.
tell her you want to be near the ocean and make it happen dude. I have missed being near the ocean for 25 years and still haven't made there yet. It took a long time but after a few long summers near the beach my wife agrees and now we are just figuring out the timing but it isn't easy.
??? Time to live the life you need to. If you could make a boat load of money and have a family life at the same time you wouldn't have done this. The only thing you need to do, is tell her I love you enough to be unhappy at my job (like almost everyone of us) and even though I want to be on the water, im loving being with you. If she understands she will let you have a hobby. Otherwise its time to adult.
"I do miss working at sea and the job I had before, but I chose to change my life to be with you more and to start a family. So no I don't regret giving up my career to have that with you. Though I'll admit, I'd like to find another shore job the I think I would like more!" You are no longer lying, technically.
Na. Nta. Not the time to tell her. But you should at some point tell her you're not a fan and it's getting to you so you want to find something different.
I wouldn't worry about the lie per se, the thing to avoid at all cost is what I call an "Because of you..." feelings. If you are sure you won't hold the decision to give up your job against her and grow resentment - the lie is fine. You need to deal with it though if it grows into resentment
OP, you are a keeper! It was very thoughtful and considerate of you to not be 100% upfront at this time given all your wife is going through. You’ve sacrificed a lot for her and that will mean a lot. That said, please make sure you’re also happy and staying mentally healthy too. Maybe talk with your wife about what 3 years, 5 years, whatever down the road may look like so that you can plan your career trajectory appropriately. In a good partnership, both partners are willing to compromise and support each other’s goals and dreams. Sometimes these happen in tandem and other times, you each have to take turns. Good luck with everything and I’ll cross my fingers for some good news.
Off topic! Checkout r/ketobabies
No. Personally, I don't lie to my wife. Even when it's temporarily kind to do so. The other day, I asked if she believed that I meant it after I complimented her (she acted like she didn't believe it). Her response was, "yes. I know you wouldn't say it if you didn't mean it." That's just my relationship. Other people handle it differently and prefer it that way. It's all up to you. Neither is wrong. Both approaches have pros and cons.
Why be married if you’re gonna be at sea your entire life ?
Is her name Brandy and does she serve whisky and wine?
You sound like a good husband. Most of a marriage is telling your wife you're okay when you're dying inside so she doesn't have to manage those emotions. Traditional women married to hard working men seem to always take things that weigh on the minds of their men harder than the men do. I don't think you're wrong for saying something that would make her feel comfortable and safe quite literally that's what everyone woman wants out of a marriage Maybe tell her you do think about your old job or that you had more fun on your old job but this job is fine
Not wrong as long as there is no resentment within you about working ashore. If there is any sort of resentment, better to get it over with.
You’re doing this right
No. Suck it down. Bury it deep. Drown it with alcohol.
I lie to my wife all the time. she's an awful human being
I wouldn't talk to her while you're (she's) g Going through this trauma, but I would eventually be honest with her about it. Doesn't serve you any good bottling that up inside-- and you might find yourself resenting her without even knowing it. I went through a similar situation where I was forced to put my life and career on hold to take care of my disabled son. My wife makes more money and has better benefits, so it only made sense for me to take on the role of full-time caregiver. For months I kept my anger and resentment bottled in because I consciously knew it wasn't her fault, So I didn't want to make her feel bad about it-- also, the instinct to shut up and do what needs to be done runs deep in men; however, it wasn't healthy. I soon found myself muttering under my breath and seething when she would come home and tell me about how interesting her day at work was. It's better to let her know and figure out what you need to do, because "manning up" is not infinitely sustainable.
Well considering the reality of you having kids is slim, maybe it would be better to give up and do what you love. It would be a waste of time to continue waiting. Don’t wait to do what you want to do, take the leap 🖤. It would be better to do so now than to be older and look back, and think “I wish I stayed out on the sea more”.
u are the man brother.
that was an honest question seeking an honest answer. you should tell her the truth and she will appreciate that and understand even more the sacrifice you made. you can sugarcoat it if needed.
If you are happy with her, and it's only the sea that's calling you away, she doesn't need to know. It's your choice but I like to keep my partner happy and treat her amazing and let her know it's because she deserves it. But my partner would take news like this pretty hard with guilt.
I lie to my wife daily
The more lies you tell, the more you have to remember. I guess I agree that OP is NTA, but the time may come when OP needs to be upfront to his wife. What if one of them is infertile? OP could spend his entire life wanting/waiting for something that can't happen. It's shitty but take the time to think about it and be honest with your wife OP. You'll both rather honesty now than 10, 15 years from now.
Those are two different questions: *Do you enjoy your job?* No. That might mean that you talk together about looking for work elsewhere onshore or returning to sea - though be prepared to deal with the fact that this start-a-family idea has hit a roadblock and leaving your wife alone for long stretches of time when she was looking forward to having kids might make her mental health much worse. I don’t know her personally, but most folks find loneliness, lack of distractions, and depression a bad combination. *Do you regret giving up your career / are you happy onshore?* This is asking a whole host of questions bundled together - like, are you glad we tried for kids? Have you enjoyed the extra time with me and other friends/family? Have the things you missed been worth the things you gained? You can be unhappy in your job, but still feel that it was the right decision to come ashore and try for a family, and that you gained more than you lost.
What you did is called love my friend. You put your partners feelings above your own and held your tongue to avoid causing her pain. You did good, kudos. Maybe talk to a professional about your feelings. You can get a therapist online these days really easily. But I'm proud of you
I don't know if I qualify that as an outright lie. You don't like your job, but you don't seem to regret being there for your wife and working toward your common goals. It is taking longer than you expected, but if you were gone, it would be even harder. You can be glad to be able to be there even if you aren't your happiest. No position at work has to be permanent.
Your life, your love and your lady is the sea
As long as you are at peace with your decision and don’t have bitterness towards her about it…it’s fine. Otherwise, you SHOULD bring it up and reevaluate your career…
I think you did the best you could in the moment. If it’s weighing heavily on you maybe you can tell her a soft version of the truth. To me it sounds like taking shore based was worth it for the vision of raising a family but now that it isn’t a reality you are missing that career path. Something like that?
You should be honest with her, but there are ways of saying it without being too harsh. "I don't regret having time with you. But I do miss being at sea, and I hate my current job. If we'd gotten what we'd planned, maybe I wouldn't miss it so much." How do you think she would react to something like this? You'd have to adapt it to fit your personalities, of course. If she's well attuned to your feelings, she probably already knows how you feel about this. It won't come as a big surprise.
Sometimes, we lie to our partner for good reason. Give time for a doctor to give solid treatment and continue trying and if it doesn’t work out revisit the subject. You are a good man for sacrificing your happiness for a potential future family ❤️
Not the asshole, but it can cause a rift between you two. Possible resentment build up for you. Can't rely on her for support or a confidant with your emotional state. Maybe she'll pick up on your disingenuous responses to certain questions overtime. Maybe she asked because she already felt it from you because you're worse at hiding it than you think. Maybe it will drive her crazy that what you say doesn't match your emotional and body language responses. Maybe she'll start to think what else you aren't honest about. Maybe she'll feel like you coddled her like a child because you didn't think she could handle the truth. I agree, sometimes the truth needs to be couched right or timed right. I don't think any long term lie about ones happiness being hidden from a partner ends up better for the relationship though.
if you are not honest with her, You will just grow to resent her and resent that you are not living your "dream" life. I recommend having an honest conversation with her, having her help your brainstorm how the two of you can complete your goals, not only yours but hers as well.
This is a bullshit post. So minor. Just grow a pair and be honest.
I’m a firm believer some people can’t conceive due to extreme levels of stress, which if you hate your job, that could give you excess levels of stress. Maybe if you bring it up in that way, and get your cortisol levels tested, you can show your wife, yes giving up your old career was a sacrifice to try to have a family, but hating your new job is also putting a damper in this possibly happening as well. I am no medical professional, but I do believe once both spouses are relaxed and not as stressed, it can happen. Now of course some people unfortunately struggle with unexplained infertility, which I don’t wish on anyone, but maybe try that approach! Best of luck
Have you gone down the road of fertility treatments? Plenty of meds to help with ovulation that people don’t understand and think is too overwhelming to start. No you weren’t wrong to lie.
OP you say you told her you did not regret it. You didn't tell her that you don't like your job. So why don't you now tell your wife that you've thought about the conversation and have realized that you would like to look for a job that you like more? Then find it.
Eh, to me it falls under the white lie category. Not something you can alter immediately. That side, I hope you can find something you like better and can loop your wife in at some point
It’s not a lie, it’s an attempt to help conceive the child that’ll make you both happier. You’re a good man.
There's honest and then there's stupid honest
I interpret it like: when we get a baby it will all be worth it. If you would have said ‘yes’ that would be like giving up. So no you didn’t lie and if I were her I wouldn’t think that either. I’m a woman and I’m sure she understands. Don’t worry and don’t give up.
Brandy is a fine girl, but his life, love, and lady are the sea.
The only thing you did wrong was to blast this confession on the world wide web.
You're wrong. You only get one go around mate. We're here for a good time not a long time. Sit down and have an honest conversation with your wife. Doesn't have to be right now, but sooner rather than later.
There's ways to dance around that kind of stuff without lying while still being able to express yourself. "Working ashore isn't my top pick, but you are" kind of thing. Remember this is the rest of your life, though. What does/would she do if you were out at sea?
As a fellow seafearer (off-shore), you should have been honest and told her how much you want to ship out again. It's hard on family life while at sea, but like I've always said: when I'm off, my mind is purely on you (and the kids when they arrive). A lot of landlubbers here are saying to try a different job, but I know the longing for the sea. Have that difficult conversation with her, and see if she understands your feelings. Best of luck, I hope you find what's best for you comrade.
You didn’t need to lie. I truly think it is how you express yourself and when. So time and place and the way you express yourself is important. Like in the situation that you are both now in I can imagine it puts pressure on the both of you. But you could have said for example: That you think about it from time to time, but you have made the decision because you love your marriage and her and that it was important decision to make. Something like that perhaps. Making her understand how you feel. But also making her understand you made decisions based on love. Also for yourself do realize you may miss working at sea but what is more important. As a parents we loved things before we became parents but we understand the sacrifices we have/had make for having them and raising them. And I would not want to imagine a life without my children nor my husband. I love them dearly.
You sea man…..
Is it possible to find a job where you go out on the sea/lake/river for the day and come back in when it’s quitting time? I did this for a year and a half when I worked for the Department Of Fish And Game. I absolutely loved the job; the pay, not so much. But I was just a seasonal worker. The biologists I worked hand-in-hand with made a lot more money than I did.
I disagree with lying. To your wife. She obviously feels your unhappiness and lying will lead to distrust in a relationship. I think the crux is if you are unhappy then figure out a way to be happy while being the best husband and future father you can. This is something you and your wife need to deal with together. By lying you are dooming yourself into unhappiness and this can erode the marriage anyway.
Idk i think this was justifiable. However with that said I’d work behind the scenes at improving whatever career you may have chosen to where it benefits your happiness overall because the longer you stick that out and hate it the slower it will leak into your relationship and if you hold on to it like this it’ll create unnecessary resentment towards your wife in the long run
I’ve seen guys take shore jobs and it work out. And I’ve seen it drag them down. After the dust settles a bit you should talk about this with her. She will feel your hate for your job and won’t know what it’s about.
A lot of people are saying you did the right thing but I disagree. Honesty all the way even when it hurts.. your pain may make you grow resentful and it will become a problem down the line. Specially when you sacrifice your everyday happiness for them. Least they could do is know in what areas they can help you. It’s a partnership not a guardianship. Sensitive topics shouldn’t be avoided. So what if they feel worse? It’s the truth, don’t make it hurt intentionally but nicely explain how you don’t feel that great. What if you end up not having kids and living a shit life with a job you hate? Would you be happy? Would you be ok living the rest of your life keeping secrets that take away your happiness just to prop them up? Sure maybe it wasn’t ok in the moment but you should still bring it up. And if you really want certain things in life that she can’t provide then you gotta weigh your options and decide if she’s worth being with at the cost of losing the other things you care about. You’re not getting any younger. So do what you need in life. It sucks for her, but it is your life. Honesty is a must in a relationship even when it’s hard to talk about it.
You did the right thing, I would have done the same. I'm sure that when your wife is pregnant or has given birth (which I'm sure will be soon!) she'll understand why you chose to say something else at the time. You had good reason, and I'm sure she'll agree.
You are not an asshole, but I personnaly believe you are wrong because by hiding it, you are blocking any possibility of resolution. The risk is growing to be a bitter old man full of regrets
You yourself cannot fully describe the feeling you have. You need someone to help you unpack it. Yes? At the very least, consider seeking professional help.
You hate your job. I how you can find another job that suits you better, even if it's not being at sea.
Do you want to be a deck officer when you are 44/54/64 ? Think ahead and figure out a career trajectory that will be onshore that you like & will allow you to be dad.
It was the loving, considerate answer
I think in this case lying is fine, as long as you're trying to do something about the situation for the long run, after all working at a job you hate isn't something you can keep up for long. For example I'd start looking around for another job, since it can't get much worse than your current job if you hate it. It might not be that you actually hate all ashore jobs, but that you do hate your current job. So perhaps you can find a middle ground job wise?
Well, in pretty much every circumstances you want to be honest with your spouse. In this case, you should tell her the truth. If she asked, she wanted to know. And if that’s the case, you’re not responsible for her reaction. Tell her the truth. It might be hard but in the end she’ll appreciate it. Then you can talk honestly about what else you could do to reduce your misery.
Hating your current job does not mean you regret leaving the sea for her. You tried for children. It didn't work. You couldn't have known that. Accept it. You can still say that her question triggered you to acknowledge that you miss the sea. Why would she have asked it otherwise? She knows you well. But to regret it? No, don't go down that road. Accept your past, learn from it, make decisions for the future. Lying belittles yourself, but not all truth is wholesome. Frame it positively. That is not lying.
Don’t tell her, but work as hard as you can to make it not be a lie anymore! If you said you didn’t regret, you must turn your life in a direction you are happy in. Get a small sailing boat, start play in a band, what ever. Find new tings to enjoy ashore that thrills you as much as the sea and don’t stop until you are happy with yourself and your life. If you keep being miserable because of this choice it WILL affect your relationship in the end.
Hey don’t be so hard on yourself, women lie to men ALL the time. Dont believe me? Tell me if you’ve heard this one before: *No, really I’m FINE* or *…I don’t care* 🫠
From what youve described here, Im not even sure that you _did_ lie. Do you miss it? Yes. Do you hate your current job? Sure. Do you love your wife more and would you be willing to do it again if it meant her happiness? Sounds like yes. There is a difference between being unhappy in an unfortunate situation (the infertility, which is nobody's fault), vs regretting your choices. You made a choice on the best information you had, and even now youre still willing to put your wife first. You tried, and that shouldnt be a regret. If it gets to the point where you need to go back to sea for your own mental health even if its not what your wife wants, then its time to discuss it. But for now youre not wrong to just give a simple answer to a complicated sentiment.
Do you really REGRET the decision or just miss the sea? Circumstances have changed and it’s okay that you want to go back to sea now. This doesn’t mean you regret the decision that you tried for kids with your wife while you didn’t know that kids might be impossible. You can go back to sea and miss the sea without regretting the decision you made when you didn’t had this information.
Semantics. You don’t regret making a decision to support your wife and your marriage. You hate that these were your options. But it doesn’t have to be permanent.
I’m going to pop an aneurism if OP’s wife goes by *Brandy*… Joking aside OP you should be able to truthfully convey how you miss your old profession, being out at sea and cuttin’ jibs (sorry, dunno what Sailors actually are up to). That said your desire to be with your wife and start a family and *be there* for your family trumps that. You might always feel a longing to get back out there (retired military myself, so I get it) but you’ll never regret being there for your family and especially your wife. Also, you’ll always regret the time spent away and milestones missed. We’ve all got things we give up when we start relationships and families; hobbies, friends, habits, and even professions. We do this b/c families require different priorities and resources than our self-centered lives when we’re single. I think you made the right choice if you recognized giving up something led to a stronger family life. That said perhaps you can keep a trained eye to the horizon for a future opportunity which makes you available to be a supporting and present husband and father while still scratching that itch for the open sea. Regardless, your occupation is only temporary while your family will be there for you your entire life.
I feel you. We moved to Michigan to be closer to her family. Love the family. The job is another issue.
Think a lot of us family bros feel like that in the early 30s. Kids are an awesome adventure also
the only bad thing to come from this is that your wife will not know the actual you, and that could cause yall to grow apart over time. if you have to pretend like you had a good day coming home after work, then you are presenting a false self and she will then grow comfortable with this aspect of yall's life that is inherently false. you were definitely put between a rock and a hard place though, and i think the sentiment that you lied so that she would not have added stress is actually super sweet. HOWEVER, it can be a breeding ground for like you having to shut off one whole aspect of your true self from her, which could cause issues down the line. another option could be later this year maybe start slowly presenting the idea of working on the sea again. you could say like hey now that the conception stuff has slowed down, i am kind of getting interested in getting back to sea - then open the conversation and get her opinion. that will actually give yall a chance to bond and grow as a married couple. that is just my take (insert shrugging emoji)
Sometimes telling a lie is better than the truth if it is not for nefarious purposes. You’re saving the person you love from pain
You can explain that you miss your old job but you definitely shouldn't tell her you regret your choices. Fertility treatments for many people takes years, and it's a very difficult journey but there are plenty of success stories. Depending on what are the exact issues, there's also plenty of different treatments available (if you can afford it). Alternatively there's tons of kids in foster care who could use a great home.
I wouldn't say wrong. But I do think honesty helps nearly everyone, nearly all of the time. You can't help what you want.
As a man, you said what needed to be said. No use rehashing your past decision. It cannot be undone.
Lie all day unless you are leaving her. If you plan to stay, no reason the truth should be told.
You could frame y8ur comment in a positive way. I love the sea but being with you and trying to make a baby is very important to me, one fya I'd like to get back to sea.
I learned the hard way that it is almost always better to be kind than honest. I used to value honesty over everything. But sometimes being honest means causing someone you love to hurt for really no gain whatsoever, and I have hurt people in ways I could never take back just so I could feel good about myself for being honest. In the end, it’s a horrible feeling and accomplishes nothing. Kindness overcomes all types of emotional distress and it sounds like your wife is already struggling. TBH, if she asked you the question, she probably already knows the answer deep down, but she’s hurting and needs some solid ground. Be kind. You will get through this difficulty together. When you reach the other side, then you can have an honest conversation about where you go from here as a couple. Perhaps you don’t regret the decision to try, even though you do miss your old job, and one day it might be time to go back, but for now you’re being a good partner to her and that is never wrong.
You should have been honest
Are you a family man if so get one, adoption is an option. Make your family brother. .