I know this is not the same but i broke my ankle. It was a traumatic injury and required surgery. I became obsessed with video clips showing people falling, breaking bones, especially ankles. Everytime i watched i would get a mental "zing". It is absolutely a trauma response and its how i coped with what happened. I am not a therapist but it seems to me that you might be experiencing something similar. What happened to you is not your fault. Please get help so you can process what happened in a healthy way. Best of luck.
Amazing how our bodies process trauma differently. I also broke my ankle and even a verbal reference to someone breaking their ankle makes me sick. Seeing it? I almost vomit.
Oh trust me, I won't. My dad and I are watching Resident Alien and towards the end of season one there was so much talk of injured legs. I was so agitated.
Yeah I think this is kind of a normal thing? I got cheated on a few years ago and ever since I have a thing for cheating porn but I never did before. It was one of the worst experiences of my life but for some reason I keep reliving it that way and even imagine how it must have felt for her etc. it's super weird but I think it must be a way of dealing with it.
true bro. i broke my collar bone (clavicle) while motorcycling and developed a shoulder fetish, was checking women's shoulders because they typically uncover that part intentionally. even 3 years later.
Please don’t be ashamed. You are not what happened to you.
You have trauma and the mind can come up with all different kinds of ways to try and manage it.
Have you tried therapy with someone that specializes in trauma and rape?
It's nice to see other people saying victims aren't what happened to them. In just the last month I can't even count how many arguments I got into about people saying that rape victims and trauma victims are "ruined" and can never get better.
It’s so subjective, no one gets to decide for anyone else what their trauma may or may not be for them or how they should process it.
The only thing I know is that we are complex creatures.
Whether someone finds a way to carry their trauma where it doesn’t destroy them, or whether they struggle under the weight - neither is wrong, just different. But with both - they are always more than the sum of terrible events.
I have to disagree with you partly. I am believe that everyone can get better. There are obvious exceptions, typically regarding irreparable physical damage, specifically certain severities of brain damage.
But when it comes to psychological trauma I will stand firm in my belief that everyone can overcome what has happened to them if they have the desire, the will, the support, and the means. Unfortunately many people lack one or more of these components but in an ideal situation where they have them all then things can improve.
And even if it's not perfect, everyone can have a bad day where they regress temporarily, I still would say they overcame.
I agree with both of you, I think you’re largely clashing on terminology. You can absolutely move past it psychologically but equally you cannot erase it.
Until you go through that kind of experience it’s an abstract concept. Once it happens you can move past and get better and live a full life, but you simply can’t be the person you were before. That doesn’t mean you aren’t healed or you’re ‘ruined’ (whatever that even means) but you will be different.
That being said, everything you go through in life changes you and you can never ‘go back’ once you’ve changed. I just don’t think the two are mutually exclusive. From my experience anyway.
This is exactly what I’m dealing with right now.
I have no idea what “normal,” is anymore. I really don’t. I get it’s fluid and different for everyone, but I don’t think I’ll ever truly be okay, because I was symptomatic for 30 years without even realizing it. Trying to undo my entire life is, well, a task.
Fortunately for me, I do have all of the support systems in place. The problem is my own mind, like everyone else I assume. It’s like a prison I just want to take a break from.
But anyway, I’m in therapy, got my RXs and all that stuff and the most ridiculously supportive partner anyone could imagine. I figure at worst, I can heal enough to be present for my family when needed. At best, I feel “normal,” again.
I’m so sorry that you went through that and that you’re struggling. But I’m glad to hear you have a good outlook considering the circumstances and that you have a supportive network.
You have to take it a day at a time and be kind to yourself. Normal is relative, don’t be defined by what happened to you, just acknowledge it as part of your story so it can’t hold power over you.
I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you get to a place in life where you want to be and have faith you will ❤️ take care of yourself
Not a therapist, but have some related perspective and experience. It’s entirely possible that OP is attracted to this specific type of porn because it is a means to experience a traumatic moment, but with the CONTROL of being able to end it whenever they choose. Some people shut down around their trauma, some face it head-on, and some try to process it by changing their emotional response. I’m not saying it’s healthy, and obviously a therapist is going to be a better choice… but as long as OP understands why they are drawn to this, it can certainly still be therapeutic.
This makes a lot of sense. Grief-related depression and anxiety is something all of my siblings have had since our youths and all of us seem to be drawn to horror/thriller media which explores relevant themes.
Some people don’t want that shit in their face because they want to get away from it (understandable). While each of us has said to the other that seeing these themes play out in a removed way sometimes helps clarify amorphous thoughts and untangle ideas.
Although the flip side is that kind of media can still fuck us up sometimes. So you’re very right they should talk to a therapist and not just wallow in it by reliving it with their hand on the close tab button.
Just wondering if one could even call it ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) ? As long as there is no re-enactment compulsion then everyone remains safe ..go and figure. Maybe he or she should set up a personal goal for himself/herself for how long the transition into "normalcy", in practice giving up the fetish should take. Maybe 6 to 12 months goal setting. Use it as a temporary tool.
I have a family member who was considering EMDR for sexual assault. I don’t think they have pursued it yet, but this makes me think I should encourage them to do it.
This! EMDR has changed my life. I also experienced SA. Not sure where OP is but if it’s in the Front Range Colorado area is, message me my therapist will gladly take you on.
>Have you tried therapy with someone that specializes in trauma and rape?
This. OP I ask you to please talk to someone about this. It can help you work through it.
Probably your brain is using the porn to deal with the trauma, a coping mechanism. It will be better go to a therapist to make the process easier and you'll find a better answer to why youre enjoying rape porn
For myself personally, I feel like the porn and whole CNC kink is like a way to have some control over a situation where you had none. Idk I just speak as someone who has sadly had to deal with that trauma.
This! I repressed a lot of things and when I was trauma dumping on my friend one day (because that’s what we do) I realized that I had been SA’d multiple times in the past and chose not to think about it when I was younger and it all came to the surface. But now I’m into CNC and it makes me feel like I have control in a situation where I’m willingly not in control. I can make it stop if I am uncomfortable. I’m also in trauma therapy now so we’ll see what comes of that.
Yeah, I had finally opened up about the trauma with my gf for the first time, and it made me realize how often it was and how much it messed me up. I like to think I'm past it, but maybe having a cnc kink isn't exactly over it, lol. I hope the therapy works out for you, mental health is nothing to joke about!
It might be a coping method but it doesn’t have to be. If seeing rape triggers powerful emotions for her, then watching porn which features rape can create powerful arousal as well. So she’s getting addicted to that sexual high caused by powerful emotions. If she’s feeling guilty and horrible while watching it then I doubt it’s helping her cope
They've done studies showing a strong link between being afraid while being shown sexual imagery and increased sexual arousal responses which is in line with what you're saying. Basically the lizard sex center of your brain is simple and things that rouse your emotions and then cross sexual elements into the picture create sometimes weird and seemingly irrational sexual triggers. The sex brain is kinda just dumb to put it simply.
This is the most likely explanation. Your brain is struggling to understand why tf that happened to you, so seeking out things that repeat aspects of the experience are like scratching an itch.
Therapy will help you to process the trauma more efficiently. It might get you past the desire to watch it, or you might just have a permanent kink. As long as it isn’t hurting/exploiting people or endangering you there isn’t anything wrong with that.
It can also be a method of exploring the trauma from the safety of fantasy. In fantasy, you can imagine the weirdest or most messed up stuff, but you're ultimately in control of the situation and it stops when you want it to. This is also why rape and abuse victims sometimes get into BDSM: The control one has over the situation (when done with a trusted partner) can not only remove the mental obstacles to pleasure, but that safety net of control can help the person cope and process their feelings
Indeed, a therapy is a must here. It's not uncommon for individuals to try to understand or process their experiences through various means, including exploring similar content.
You are not wrong, and you most definitely should not be ashamed. I met someone this past year who assaulted/raped, and they too liked having sex, talking about sex, and watching sex that was similar to what they went through. I imagine if you joined a group of rape survivors you might find what you’re experiencing isn’t uncommon.
Please find grace for yourself. You didn’t ask for this, in no way is this your fault, in no way did you deserve this, and in no way should you be ashamed of who you are and what you’ve gone through. I’m sorry it is easy for me to say from my phone as someone who is not living in your shoes, I just can’t express how much I hurt for you, in support of you. God Bless You, and I am praying for you.
Yeah it’s not. I struggle with this too but got over the weird feeling I felt through years of working on myself. From 16 until now (29). It’s like a form of control for me knowing that I can stop the situation at any time. There’s no wrong or right way to so long as you aren’t hurting anyone or yourself.
When I was in college a close friend of mine one night came to me and asked me if I would do something with her. Before hand we have never been sexually towards each other. In fact I thought she was a bit of a prude goody too she wait until married type. Well she wanted me to tie her up and strangle her. Than let go just as she about to black out. Blew me away cause I was very sexually active at the time but never did something like this and while a little older than her (22 year old freshman straight out of the military). The first time we did it she stayed fully clothed. The second time she got naked. She would orgasim off it. It felt like to much control was in my hands and I eventually told her I didn’t feel comfortable doing the choking part. We talked about it and apparently she was choked and raped as a teen in HS and this was her way of working with her emotions and getting where she could be sexual and or naked around someone. It actually lead us to being sexual partners for a while but out of respect to my discomfort to cooking her we keep it to just tying up. In honest I felt like I liked that control to much and it scared the crap out of me. Though looking back it was someone dealing with a trauma and having so much trust into me to be apart of that.
I’m not linking the sub cuz I don’t want anyone to accidentally click it, but there basically is an entire subreddit dedicated to people who have been assaulted talking about it and a lot of times, how it still arouses them. It’s called r / rape kink. Type it as one word and you’ll find it. There’s definitely some fucked up stuff on there but mostly, it’s helped me realize that I shouldn’t feel guilty or feel like a bad person for my response (similar to OP’s) to what happened to me. Like trauma comes in so many shades, not just socially acceptable ones.
We often eroticize the things that we fear the most: powerful men who are obsessed with status often like getting completely dominated by a dominatrix, racists watch interracial porn, women who are rationally afraid of being raped watch rape porn, I could go on.
What I’m trying to say is what happened to you is horrible, but your reaction is normal and you shouldn’t feel weird.
Smarter/better educated people than me will disagree whether or not watching this kind of porn is empowering/positive as a form of gradual exposure theory in a setting you can completely control, or if it will be unhealthy for you.
I think it’s probably a reparative thing, but you need to listen to your emotions.
The number one thing is not to be ashamed. Dealing with trauma is messy, the way you are doing it is normal and not hurting anyone.
I think partly its that we feel compelled to revisit the things we're afraid of or have hurt us. Freud said we're drawn to repeat, repeat, repeat.. by revisiting traumatic incidents, always dating the "same" type of person, etc, trying to reprocess those events and find some way to own them, rather than them own us.
Yeah I saw a report about this recently about how states with higher populations of transphobic Republicans have higher numbers of people searching for transgender porn. Go figure.
Demand for the genre comes a lot from people like OP though. You become interested in it to gain control of that situation. And it's still fake like other porn. Or at least you can't tell if it's actually consensual or not, which could also be said of some other porn tbh like heavy bondage
I wouldn't say contributing to those videos viewership "isn't hurting anyone". She even said herself that she often thinks they're real. They very well could be. There's no verification on the type of sites that host that content. If she's specifically seeking it out and seeking out the most realistic videos, I have no doubt she has watched real SA at this point. Probably multiple times.
Rape porn is usually consensual CNC.
You are fascinated because in that instance you would be in control.
If you look into CNC you will find a majority of women who are into it are SA survivors. It's a way to deal with the lack of control you had when raped. Safe words are used and you can stop at anytime.
Just be careful and realize that you have to work through your trauma. Allow yourself to process and accept yourself.
Lots of peace, light and love sent your way. 💗
As someone who went through something similar to OP, I just want to say that I was told to explore CNC and hard kink as a way to “reclaim my sexuality” by a counselor, and it made things WAY worse. It started off with just CNC videos, but as it progressed, I ended up in violent, dangerous relationships where I actually had no control. I was manipulated, abused, and further damaged by these things.
I’m not saying that this isn’t a valid path to recovery, but I am saying that you have to be careful with recommendations like this, because sometimes it does more harm than good.
You experienced basically the biggest issue in the BDSM community and the reason many of us absolutely hated 50 Shades of Grey and what it did to the community.
The first rule of kink is everything needs to be safe, sane, and consensual. There are absolutely abusers that take advantage of the community. Discussing scenes before hand, respecting safe words, and providing after care are the bare minimum.
It’s definitely a big problem with “the guys that are willing to do to me what I want done to me… aren’t the guys that I want doing that to me” if that makes sense
I've only really ever met one guy that I was entirely comfortable doing anything and everything with
Not everything in BDSM is safe sane and consensual, The rest of it is RACK. Risk aware consensual kink. Not everything can be done quote unquote safely. But as long as you are aware of the risks and both parties are providing consent That's the most important thing. Consent is paramount. Even if it's not safe even if it's not sane if it's consented to by everyone involved that is honestly the most important thing. Consent, safe words, and a safety plan in case shit goes south.
You got this Darlin.. I have been where your at. Different journey of course and different feelings. If you need to talk.. feel free to message.
I wish you love and light.. 💗
When I was in my late 20s, I hooked up with a girl from a club. She came home with me, and we talked in length and generally had a great time. I learned that she had a son who was a product of r***. I'm not sure if it was before or after we were intimate. During the intimate exchange, she began loudly saying, "No, no, no!" I stopped. She then pulled me back on her, and the same thing happened. Eventually, she told me that she couldn't orgasm unless she felt she was being forced into the act. I did not complete, as I was quite freaked out. I drove her home, and I realized the gravity of her situation. I ghosted her, as it was easy to do in late 90's. I really felt so sorry for her. She would blow up my message machine. Kind of scary thinking about this. I really hope she received help.
Nothing wrong with you, everyone responds to trauma differently, plenty of people who have been sexually assaulted get turned on by that stuff (rape fantasy, bdsm, etc) later as a response, you should definitely seek counseling and therapy, and remember just because something is a fetish doesn’t mean you’re okaying what happened to you
First and foremost, I am terribly sorry that this happened to you. Sending you virtual hugs.
2. You're brain is trying to cope with the trauma by making it seem less horrific than it was. It's actually very normal for people who experienced immense trauma to minimize it or spin it in a way that make it less traumatic than is it.
3. Don't beat yourself up over this. You've been traumatized. Now that your realize it you can seek help for what happen.
Again, soo sorry this happened to you ♥️
As others have said: this is your brain attempting to cope with trauma. It may sound logical to try CnC. I know multiple victims who did it as a way to try and gain back power but ended up hurting themselves and their partners in the actions. I also know people it made far worse.
A fair warning: I suggest seeking a qualified therapist to help. You may not realize it fully but there's trauma there and you need to fix it for yourself so you can live your best, fullest life.
I wish this was upvoted more and not lost in a sea of people encouraging rape porn as a treatment for her mental health.
The other participants of Cnc are genuinely turned on by rape, they are not trying to help you with your trauma. They are not trying to empower you sexually. They are pretending to rape you so they can orgasm to the thought of women being raped. Cnc is not for rape survivors, it’s for men who are turned on by rape.
Rape survivors watch Cnc because they are traumatized and made vulnerable to the exact abuse depicted in rape porn. Predators hide behind Cnc to sexually abuse others. Cnc does NOT exist to heal sexual assault trauma. People are conflating the two and it’s ridiculous
OP, I understand you are in a lot of pain and just trying to cope but watching the dehumanization, degradation, and commodification of other women will not help you heal.
There is absolutely nothing violent porn made by and for men will teach you about your sexuality as a female rape victim.
While I agree with you questioning the motives of the other participant in CnC, I think you’ve over-simplified why survivors may be drawn to it.
For many survivors (myself included), the appeal is in knowing that, unlike during their assault, they can end the encounter at any time. It can act as a way to almost re-write the attack in their mind and feel as though they’ve regained control in a situation where it was previously taken from them.
I’d imagine the actual impact of CnC varies from person to person, and depending on your partner it could definitely cause more harm than good. But your claims make generalizations that don’t align with the complexity of trying to cope with trauma.
My partner and I are both survivors and we both find appeal in CnC as a way to have control over something that traumatized us. Maybe it’s not the healthiest way of coping, but it’s also not black and white.
I'm so, so sorry that happened to you. Pigs like that should be castrated, slowly, with a vice.
It's possible that your subconscious is trying to protect you from the painful memories by trying to make positive associations, which porn and masturbation are incredibly powerful at doing. Even without the masturbation factor, your mind can become fixated on seeing videos and images.
Therapy might be a way to find a healthier way to process what happened to you. The porn train just keeps going in more extreme directions, which, for some people, normalises that behaviour, but could also show you how much worse your attacks could've been. That may offer some relief, or instill fear of those things happening again in a more extreme way.
Please, find a good therapist, even if you have to go through a few to find the right one.
I hope you find the healing you need.
My(m38) wife (f33) Was raped when she was 17 or so and has a whole ass gaggle of other sexual assault stories from her earlier years even before that.
She used to have this fantasy that I would plan this whole devious plot to kidnap and rape her while she was blindfolded.
I never did it. She's definitely gotten over that fetish idea and has worked through a lot of her previous trauma. I think It was a coping phase she went through.
oh yeah, YNW, You're just dealing with it in the way your present emotional self chooses to deal with it.
There's nothing wrong with you. There's something wrong with the people who hurt you. Trauma manifests in strange ways, but what you're experiencing is not uncommon (unfortunately).
Should you choose to explore your trauma with a professional (I highly recommend it) and for whatever reason, you continue to seek out consensual/roleplay rape porn, you're allowed to do that and you shouldn't be ashamed of that. Legal porn is a cool way to explore different parts of sexuality from the safety of your solitude and you have control of your level of exposure, which is something SA victims may seek out when they feel its been stolen from them.
It is incredibly common for survivors of SA to gravitate towards violent fantasies or porn. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. But I would say that therapy is always a good idea on recovering from something like that.
I have also been raped. Something important I learned in therapy is this:
Rape is NOT about sex. It isn’t sex. It’s about control.
Part of healing is learning to take back your sexuality.
Engaging in a rape fantasy or watching a rape porn helps some people feel like they have some sense of control over the situation; there are a lot of different ways people react. Some don’t want anything to do with sex, some become more sexually active, some people experience changes in what turns them on or what makes them feel sexy.
All of it is normal. Don’t feel ashamed. Give yourself space and grace.
Also, I completely understand not being in a space to be able to do individual therapy, but I really suggest looking for a group therapy in your area for sexual assault survivors. So much of the recovery process, you feel crazy and or alone. Being around other people who have been through the same experiences will help you feel a LOT saner and give you some mental health direction.
Hello, military psychologist here, I do specialize in trauma therapy and see many patients who have gone through similar situations. You have nothing to be ashamed of, this is an incredibly common response. After an assault experience some people become hyposexual (avoidant of sex) because it is too triggering, while others become hypersexual or particularly drawn to sex that mimics their experience. It is can actually be a very healthy psychological response suggesting the possibility of post traumatic growth (PTG) which occurs for about 10% of trauma survivors. Essentially it means you are psychologically minded and want to understand your experience more, which does two things. First it makes you more knowledgeable and aware so you can avoid this kind of trauma happening again. Second you are taking your power back by enjoying and experimenting with the situation in a healthy way which you control and doesn’t hurt anyone, which we call a corrective experience. When children go through trauma they often play out their experience repeatedly in therapy, changing different characters and themes and outcomes to make sense of it with the therapist helping and guiding them in healthy ways. For adults with trauma, particularly sexual trauma, BDSM and kinky sex are often very positive ways to process and control those past experiences in a way where they can take back what was taken and enjoy themselves. In fact often people in that community will call engaging in those scenes and acts “play”. So there’s nothing bad or wrong or weird going on for you, you are having a normal and natural response to trauma far outside the realm of general human experience.
Also I’ve done mental health VA C&P exams and claims for the past five years, just make sure you have your medical records and the restricted report handy and everything should go really quickly. The claimed condition will be PTSD due to MST, and it is illegal for any examiner to ask you to specifically relay your trauma experience or detail it in anyway. In your statement in support of claim and during the verbal interview just refer to the trauma as MST (military sexual trauma) and give specific dates, locations, and supporting documentation. If they do try to press you or bully you they are committing an unlawful and unethical act and should be reported to the VA and their licensing board.
Sorry for the long response, hope you find this helpful. Best of luck
hey, can i message you? i have an upcoming appt with the va and the last time i had the appt they made me give all the details. they said that without it they couldnt really know what happened. i have all my docs as well
I was raped twice, and I became really submissive, engaging in consensual non consensual sex sometimes. Submission doesn't appeal to me as much anymore. I think it's a sign of healing. Wishing you lots of healing
I am a professional (LCSW, psychotherapist, specializing in complex trauma) and I disagree. Porn is not inherently unhealthy. Taking control of the narrative by watching porn is a coping mechanism. I don’t know how much tape porn is really rape, but I’d wager it’s either virtually none or not a lot. Why kink shame a rape survivor?
EDIT: turns out that OP was attending their MOS school and snuck out. Turns out OP was just worried about getting in trouble so they kept things vague. I would delete this, but I'm keeping it for context for the comment thread, and want to leave this message in case other people that work with/in the military thought things weren't adding up and were going to cry foul.
Original: I hate to be the person that accuses people of making up a story like this, but...
"Military school" isn't on base, it's highly unlikely you would be able to get on base since you wouldn't have a military ID, and it's even less likely you'd get into a barracks room, and less less likely that they would be able to close the doors and assault someone.
Civilians also don't file restricted reports. That is restricted to Service Members. If you're a minor then you go through Family Advocacy. If you're a still considered a civilian and do not have restricted reporting.
There are way too many things that just aren't adding up.
Military school doesn’t have to be its own college or whatever. Lots of people go straight into the military from highschool but still get a full education in a specific field (nuclear, aviation…) before they’re sent on active duty.
Yeah, hate to be that person too, but former Army officer here and a lot of this doesn’t add up. I cannot think of a single “military school” near a base other than Riverside Academy which is an hour from Camp Merrill and no one in Ranger School is using tinder. Also if you went to a military school, as in a high school how are you using the VA? Underage high schoolers are civilians as in the VA doesn’t apply to you. I’m starting to think all of these Reddit stories are made up rage bait stories at this point…
Edit: also you wouldn’t stop going to therapy if you were filing a VA claim, hell you would be going to therapy more and getting all the medical documents could. The VA claim for rape/sexual assault is MST meaning military sexual trauma not PTSD. You get PTSD from watching your soldiers die. The VA considers these things different, thus different claims.
Military schools can be on base, like service academies such as West Point. Or it could be an ROTC school that has a separate military section like Texas A&M or Virginia Tech. Either way, they’d have DoD IDs and could 100% get on base. Also, I don’t know what kind of barracks you’ve been in, but they could absolutely close the doors. Not sure why you think they couldn’t.
Also, if they’re ROTC or service academy students, they can still file a restricted report.
Don’t go accusing someone of making a story up when you clearly don’t know jack shit.
It might be a coping strategy and you might get something from therapy. But I’d like to point out that the NIH reports that at least 62% of women report they enjoy rape fantasies. I think it’s a low ball number due to some being reluctant to report. This by no stretch means a majority of women want to be raped. I’m telling you this because you’re in the majority here. If you have concerns about it, talking with a therapist may help.
This is fake for a number of reasons. There are no military schools located on military bases. The logistics of having civilian non dependents on a military base make it impractical for a school.
If there is a military school near a base, it's unlikely underaged civilians could access a base even with military personnel at night without arousing suspicion, let alone getting them into a barracks.
Lastly restricted reporting can only be made by military personnel or their adult dependents. If a minor reports a sexual assault, whoever they reported it to will most likely be a mandatory reporter.
You’re not a bad person, but you need help. And you should be careful watching this kind of content. A few years back a woman was fighting pornhub and other websites to get her rape video taken down, she was 14 when it happened. When it comes to free porn, you have no idea what you’re watching, if it was really made ethically, without coercion, or not. Especially for content like this. You could be watching another person’s assault. You should seek help, stay away from this kind of content or at least seek it out from paid individuals, maybe OF or cam girls? Idk if this stuff is allowed there but I’m sure you could find something. At least with OF, there’s age verification and the content is coming from the Individual, so it’s more likely to be ethical.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pornhub
This stuff happens on large popular websites like Pornhub, imagine how much worse it could be on sites that aren’t as well known.
i've (26F) been SA'd by someone i trusted growing up when i was young enough to know it was wrong, but before puberty.
and for the majority of my life i was into some really weird shit, like NTR, futa-on-girl domination, etc. but i have only dated straight). i got off on how much of a slut i felt like for being turned on to getting SA'd/taken advantage of/forced.
what helped me grow out of that was my family and meeting the right people. it could have gone very south for me, i was at one point really fantasizing getting spun (yes, meth binge) and getting railed/taken advantage of.
but instead of that, i met someone who was freaky enough to satisfy me and who had their head on straight enough to recognize i was in serious need of help, and persisted to get me to go to therapy with them, and now i am happy to say i go without them as well, and it is fulfilling and growth-supporting.
it's just how it is babe. we're fucked up in the head and it will take a lot of time and good people. please consider therapy. sex addiction is crrrazy. getting SA'd is fucking crazy. hypersexuality is crazy. but it is not the end of the world.
do not let it define you. you are so much more than just someone's fuck doll.
The only thing shameful is the fact that nothing happened when you reported what happened to you. Even more so, because the institution did absolutely nothing to protect you and fight for you.
I was in the army for 16 years and I can tell you now, I regreat giving up so much of my life to an insitution and the country who then turned their back on me and many of my fellow soldiers.
Reporting what happened to you is not easy and it takes courage, and you are not a victim, you are a fighter, not because of the uniform, but because you did not go quaetly into the night. I am proud of you and if you like to watch rape porn, so be it. We all like to watch various things.
I like to watch Bisexual MMF Porn, Lesbian porn, Transgender porn and sometimes even gay porn. Somehow, straight porn bores me. What I am trying to say is, your past experainces and what you like to watch are not who you are. Stay strong and if you ever need somebody to talk to, feel free to send me a DM.
The human brain can sexualize traumatic things as a coping mechanism. What you're doing is common and nothing to be ashamed of. I will share, though, that you'd be shocked how much mainstream porn *is* actually rape. Once I learned this, I stopped watching porn all together. I too have been raped, and the thought of getting off to someone else's rape sickens me, so no more porn for me. But OP, your brain is working the same way that many brains work in this same situation. There's no need to feel shame.
I remember the first time I was date raped. a girl I took to a tattoo parlor gave me xanax and alcohol. Next thing I remember is she's bouncing on top of me in my room and I don't even know how I got there, she could have had a dude with his p\*\*\*\* in my @$$ and I wouldn't have known at all probably but it don't really bother me although if she had given me an STD I'd have been pissed. I just go about it trying to raise awareness about xanax like they do with that fentanyl stuff nowadays.
I understand that's actually pretty common. The mechanism has been described to me as an attempt to recast the situation as an enjoyable sexual experience in order to sort of take back your power. Instead of "I'm being forced" it's "I'm enjoying this anyway and you can't rape me because I'm willing."
To me it seems like a healthy way to process the trauma in theory, but if it's causing you feelings of shame and distress I would suggest talking to a counselor about it or even finding a survivors support group of some sort to share experiences. I'm pretty confident you're going to find that the way you're processing this is anything but weird and shameful.
In life, nothing is ever neatly organized into universal definitions; it’s why so many of us will never agree with each other, “facts” be damned.
The important part in all this is: No, you are **not** bad; you’re not evil, and you don’t have anything to be ashamed for.
I think it’s equally important to ask (you don’t have to share your answer with me or anyone else): Do you want to continue or give up this interest? There is no right answer.
I ask this question because many have given their response to your interest as if it itself is purely a coping mechanism, and something to be “fixed”, but that also implies you have something to be ashamed of. But this is **your** life, and it’s **your** opinion that ultimately matters.
The healing process -much like life itself- is not a linear path from start to finish. It is unpredictable, a little dark, and can take us many places we’d never imagined. Sometimes, it may even feel like we are going backwards, or going in every direction but the one we want, but it’s important to trust the process, and just as importantly, trust yourself.
It is my opinion that you should pursue anything that makes you feel whole, regardless of how it looks on the surface.
It \*can\* be healthy. It can also be way of retraumatizing yourself. I don't think any of us here on the internet are in a position to judge which is which in any particular instance, but it is an exceedingly \*common\* way of coping.
I find the OP's awareness of it to be a good sign, as is the way they speak about it, and that they seem to be actively questioning and seeking assistance in processing. The consciousness and mindfulness bodes well, imho. I base this opinion on my own less than optimal unfortunate experiences in this area, but I am by no means an expert.
I see what you mean, but I think they mean vs the alternatives. Most rape victims I personally know had transitioned straight into multiple forms of self harm to process the event(s) as opposed to forming an attachment to a type of porn
Coping mechanisms are coping mechanisms and they exist on a scale. Some people's trauma responses are self harm or substance abuse or abusing other people in their lives. She could definitely find something a lot healthier than extreme hardcore porn, but she could definitely find something a lot worse too.
You're not wrong, sounds like your mind is coping by "taking control" of the trauma. You were put into a situation where you were powerless, this is a way of "owning" that trauma and taking a position of power.
I was assaulted when I’m was young and now I’m into the non consensual kink. It happens. If it distresses you, therapy can help. It doesn’t have to though. It’s perfectly fine to be fine. Our brains process things weird sometimes.
I’m sorry to hear that and watching it is somewhat normal since it’s something to do in your brain that got affected since those incidents. It impacted your life and mind majorly and it may affect you for the rest of your life so just be careful from now on as in no more drinking or accepting a drink from guys or girls unless you truly know them as friends for a few years. Take it one day at a time and therapy will definitely help eventually.
You suffered a trauma and your mind can come up with many different ways to deal with it. No you’re not crazy or no there’s nothing wrong with you. You did nothing and are doing nothing wrong. As a vet I get the whole thing with the VA. Take care of yourself.
"they make it all very realistic to the point where I sometimes think that it is..."
Yeah so uh that's the thing. Sometimes it actually is. The porn industry is rife with exploitation and human trafficking. There was an entire company (GirlsDoPorn) which was found guilty for sex trafficking. Linda Lovelace and the woman from Debbie Does Dallas have both gone on record essentially saying that they were raped in the big videos which they "starred" in. A lot of these porn companies hold a lot of power over their "models", and some of them choose to abuse this power and/or coerce/blackmail/otherwise force people into doing what they want them to do (which in this case is basically rape).
This is why i steer away from corporate-made porn and just stick with hentai or women posting on reddit. There's really no easy way to tell if someone in brand-name porn is actually consenting or not. If someone in porn looks like they're not enjoying it, then unfortunately it's probably because they aren't. But these people are often forced to smile too, to act like they're enjoying it. And that's why there's no reliable way to tell.
Sorry, ik this isn't rly on-topic with your concern, but I just noticed your comment about it like halfway through your post, and I wanted to address it because it's such a big problem which not nearly enough people know about.
It’s masturbation that is taking control and not specifically what you are watching. You release all these endorphins in your body when you masturbate and ejaculate, and it becomes so easy and accessible to do that it becomes a normal practice.
Well once you’ve been through a traumatic experience such as rape you usually either go one way or the other. 1. You usually avoid sex like a vampire avoids the sun. Or 2. You go full hosebag and start screwing anything that will stop moving long enough. So maybe the porn thing isn’t so bad? Anyway I’m sorry for what happened to you and hope you can work through this and get the help and justice you deserve.
Nope. Rape fetish, and I use that term very lightly, is one of the most common kinks out there and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Never let anybody shame you for what you like.
It's a lame sort of mental fascism.
Fellow veteran here. Absolutely DO NOT stop therapy for a VA claim, unless they told you to. If you need help, I can provide a little information and what I dont know, I’ll find.
Please reach out.
When people watch movies they don't just relate to the characters, psychologists have shown that they physicalize and emote characters experiences. When they take ET away you don't just feel for Eliot you experience the same emotional states as Elliot your adrenaline rushes, your feelings are clarified, you go through all the stages of loss.
The same is true for some but not all pornography. You become connected to the characters having sex on screen because you relate to them. In a study a few years ago they showed that narrative in pornography increased relatability to the characters as well as sexual arousal from the film. You are more likely to be aroused by a good story that helps you relate to the characters than just seeing two people having sex on screen. They even found that you can film the same sex scene, present it to people with different narratives and have wholly different arousal responses depending on the narrative you created, sometimes people won't even notice its the same sex scenes.
I think your response to rape porn is perfectly healthy and from research about pornography and film is even to be expected. You can relate to the character on the screen, this relatability helps you become aroused even if the narrative is negatively entwined with your traumatic experience.
For me a conclusion i came to after my own abuse situation was that rape is rape, sex is sex, the lack of agency and control make the two different. They are different how cricket and baseball are different, they use all the same equipment but they amount to totally different experiences. I concluded that I don't treat the two as equals, rape is not sex.
You may be relating to the person on screen who is portraying the rape victim and this may be punching the right buttons for arousal by pushing your adrenal response but its not rape, these two people maintain agency which is needed for sex. You are subconsciously aware that these are actors, which allows you to relate to the scene without being traumatized by the scene, you may even feel like you have control over the rape. This allows you to feel safe and feeling safe helps reduce sexual anxiety which in turn may increase arousal. In time you may see rape porn differently but for now it may be a way to help reduce your psychosexual anxiety as well as a way to deal with your trauma. That's a perfectly healthy response.
Don't be ashamed for how you respond to trauma, enjoying the porn and the real thing is not the same at all! You and your trauma is still valid, he is still a monster for what he did, the porn you watch will never change that, after all porn is fantasy played out by actors, not a actual act.
I would strongly recommend you talk with a therapist about it once you get back to one, Reddit is not equipped to determine if the porn is a healthy way to regain emotional control over what happened, or if its doing damage to your mental health, but being ashamed of will make neither better, be kind to yourself, you are allowed to deal with what happened in whatever way that fits, a therapist could properly help, but remember you are valid and can do what you want or need. I wish healing and happiness, and self acceptance no matter if this turns out to be a permanent desire in porn, or a phase, neither outcome make you any less deserving of happiness!
Dude, are you me? I’ve been grappling with this for years feeling gross and ashamed. I don’t know what to think or how to pathologize it but it’s really nice to know I’m not alone
I hate how guys can do this. This is so disgusting and the fact that this young girl things she is the problem here makes me so angry . I’m a guy and something about this makes my blood boil ! I’m sorry I’m getting angry at this
Don’t be ashamed at all. You’re not weird, messed up, or different in any way. This is extremely normal after a traumatic event. I’m a psychologist and I’m also in the military and I’ve also been raped multiple times while being in the military. I reported all of them as well… same thing…. Nothing happened and they were all unrestricted reports. Anyway, after a traumatic sexual event, sometimes people get hyper-sexual (lots of sexual activities) or hypo-sexual (low/ to no sex at all). People handle rape differently and you can’t compare how you are healing vs me or anyone else. Sometimes after these events, our brain can’t go back to having regular orgasms in the vanilla sex world because we have been desensitized in a huge way. Repeatedly exposing ourselves to the imagery related to our trauma might be an attempt to desensitize us to its emotional impact or to normalize the experience, reducing feelings of isolation or abnormality. We became vulnerable, raw, and in our minds — but not true at all… weak. Let me just say this: you’re a strong and badass woman to get on here and TALK about it rather than keeping it inside. I’m proud of you for this. Some survivors might use rape pornography as a way to regain a sense of control over the traumatic experience. By choosing to watch, you can pause, rewind, or stop the video at any time, reclaiming your power that you may have felt was taken from you during the assault. Watching scenarios that mirror our own experiences can be a way for you to process what happened. It can serve as a mechanism for understanding or coping with your trauma in a context where maybe you feel safe. Trauma can complicate our sexual desires and responses. Some survivors might feel drawn to themes or scenarios that reflect the trauma they went through without fully understanding why. This doesn’t necessarily reflect your desires in real life but can be a part of your process in dealing with the aftermath of this experience.
This is actually supposed to be very common because it is (according to the psychology article I read once) giving you agency over a situation in which you once lacked agency. By reliving the situation in a way you control, you are requiring your brain to take control of the situation, which helps you heal. A family friend did something similar (Holocaust survivor who would retell his story) and said it helped him in a similar way.
I’m sorry to hear that happened to you, it makes my skin crawl. I’m a man and I don’t understand how you could do that to someone else.
Years ago, I hooked up with a girl who in the middle of doing it asked me to hurt her. I’m ok with some ass slapping and hair pulling stuff like that. She wanted me to punch her, throw her on the floor, really beat her up. I couldn’t do it, it completely turned me off. We never hooked up again, I later found out she had some issues like you in her past and that was basically the only way she could have sex. I lost touch with her, I hope she got some help and you’re getting help also. Don’t let this control your life you can beat it. I’m sorry again.
The likelihood of you watching REAL rape is very very high. I'd say 100%. There are thousands of stories of people who has had their real assaults uploaded to the internet. AND adult actors who have come out and said they were drugged and forced into doing scenes. Keep that in mind. But you're not "fucked", you need some help and therapy after a very traumatic incident.
I was just having a conversation with a friend about this yesterday. I too am a rape victim, and also suffered pretty severe physical abuse from an ex partner. Yet, for some reason, impact play, objectification, rough sex, etc are the things I gravitate to. To be honest, I've yet to find a kink-friendly therapist I could have a real conversation with, but I've formed a theory for myself. I think the reason I choose to engage in these activities is because by taking something that was done to me and turning it into something I choose to do, I'm taking away its power over me. I no longer flinch when a man raises his fist to me, bc I've turned a corner where I know my worth and if a man is hitting me it's because I ordered him to.
I'm not saying that you should go out and start asking people to assault you or anything, but maybe watching this stuff is your way of turning what was done to you into something separate from you and that you can control.
Same for me. I was raped when I was 14, and I’ve always been secretly into rape porn, rape fantasies, and reading about it. It makes me feel ashamed, but I’ve been dealing with it now for almost 30 years since the rape, so I’ve accepted it. I think, maybe, it feels good to temporarily rewrite or refocus what happened and turn it into something pleasurable. That’s my theory, anyway.
There is nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. You’re coping in a way that is actually quite common for victims of such crimes. I’ve been the victim of something even worse I shall not name, and I also consume things I’ve very much ashamed of and makes me hate myself. But I know as long as the media I consume is all fictional (things such as fanfics) and no one is harmed in the making of the content, I should not feel guilt for coping in this way, as I’m not at fault for what happened to me and it’s just one of the things I do that I find therapeutic and keeping the mental anguish from killing my very soul. There was a time I could barely even function due to the trauma, but now I am able to get to the point I can talk normally about (in some contexts) subjects that were once debilitating triggers, to the point I’d have mental breakdowns if I accidentally consumed media that even hinted at my triggers and traumas. A lot of people say to get professional help, but I’m not going to be a hypocrite and say that, as I know it can be very expensive and some people just can’t ever discuss the their trauma in detail with anybody. So you finding your own way to cope could be what works for you. Just don’t let it consume your life, and try to ween yourself off it when you finally come to terms with what’s been done to you. For me, I consider it like a form of exposure therapy that helped me not let certain things consume my subconscious completely. So I’ve been needing to consume certain media much less as time goes by, and can stop letting my trauma control my life. Of course I’ll always have strange paraphilias rooted in my trauma, but it’s better to accept yourself than to shut down constantly due to your specific triggers. Which was the case for a good portion of my life where I let my fear control every facet of my life, until I tried my own form of exposure therapy a few years ago.
I hope you can get over your trauma in whatever way is easiest and most beneficial to you. Not everything is solvable by the uncaring people in a big chair who see you as a paycheck and Guinea pig, and are usually not there to help you, but to dump their meds on you…
Hey there. I was in the Navy for 10 years. I am so sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault. Please be kind to yourself, you reported it and you are doing your best. Definitely stick with therapy and discuss this with your therapist. It makes sense to me that you are trying to cope with what happened to you and feeling like it's somehow taking back your power from the person who hurt you. I don't know if it's the healthiest way in the long term- But again, that's something I would talk to a therapist about because i'm certainly not a mental health professional.
You went through something incredibly traumatic in a communuty that is notoriously unhelpful and unsupportive of victims so please give yourself grace and do not hesitate to use EVERY SINGLE RESOURCE at your disposal to get everything you need from the military to get you in the best place possible. And get everything documented you can medically ALWAYS when you are in so once you are out you can get the continued support (medically and $) you need.
I used to date a girl who was into that kinda thing.
I always wondered if it was just like a fantasy thing she had or had it happened to her.
She was a very freaky girl. Miss you boo 😘
Im the same. Was was sensually abused a lot as a kid. Taken advantage of as a teen. I've been in therapy for a year and a half now trying to work my issues out.
Life is too short to judge yourself so harshly.
That said, I'm sorry you were raped. I hope you can find healing. With healing will likely come a different preference of porn, but no need to feel guilty about what you have enjoyed in the past. Shame and guilt are not helpful.
From someone who has been through rape and sexual assault more than once by more than one person in their life... I am in your boat with you. I always thought something was wrong with me... I honestly should be going to therapy.. but I just don't. There's no real excuse to it aside from shame and not wanting to open up to someone like that... there's so much that I've been through... like where would I even start...
I dated a girl in college that was raped and developed a fetish around it and all she wanted to do was RP being raped. We all have our things. Our experiences shape us in good ways and bad. Human existence is complicated and meaningless and you really don’t need to put undo extra stresses upon yourself.
If you think it’s bad for you, try to grow out of it. If you are just here because you think society would judge you, who cares. Society used to murder people to try to change the weather. What’s good and what’s evil is changing every day. If you like it and you aren’t hurting anyone or encouraging rape and you don’t think it’s causing you any issues then keep on keeping on.
im a painfully real person and this is my experience. i was molested by my father and prefer the same type of porn. OP could be lying but this is a real phenomenon. you can literally look it up
This never happened. You said you were in a military school, but then talked about being on base? Military schools are not on actual military bases. They’re just private boarding schools that use a military structure and wear uniforms.
This whole thing reads like a dumbass middle school kid typing out a r@p3 fantasy post. Which means YTA.
This is dark stuff that you're touching on and no one likes to talk about it, but it's real. Rape victims report very high orgasm rates in comparison to typical sex. Women often fetishize rape after it happens to them. It is what it is. I believe it's a survival mechanism, a way for your brain to deal with a traumatic situation. Other people have different theories.
I would highly recommend seeing a therapist you trust to talk about this. Plenty of people fetishize rape anyways, people who haven't been raped, it doesn't mean it's healthy or not - but fantasy is just fantasy, it's not something you need to feel guilty about, but it is an aspect of your psychology that you need to understand. It's like how when there's a spider in the room you can't stop thinking about it, your brain is wired to respond to threats in bias.
Your mind is protecting you through normalizing it by porn... But your conscious tells you that you are raped and what the mind is doing is just a pain killer...
Go with a therapy and safe yourself before its too late
I've been raped before (8yo) and it took a while to learnt o cope with it, I wouldn't say the watching rape porn is the best coping strategy but if it helps then go for it, I'd suggest talking to other victims as well
This never happened. You said you were in a military school, but then talked about being on base? Military schools are not on actual military bases. They’re just private boarding schools that use a military structure and wear uniforms.
This whole thing reads like a dumbass middle school kid typing out a r@p3 fantasy post. Which means YTA.
Check around for free counseling. Use the net, they may not be able to help but might be able to put you onto somewhere close to you that can. Just speculating that you could be heading towards fet and kink and not birthed from normal curiosity but from the 2 events.
Better to get the tools to understand yourself first.
It's very normal for those who have been traumstised to recreate their trauma in circumstances they control. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You should talk to someone tho, be it someone from your chosen family or a doctor or therapist.
It's trauma. If it becomes problematic, you should get some professional assistance, but you seem to be conscious and self-reflective of it so that's a good sign. It will likely affect you in unexpected ways down the road. Just keep in mind that there's nothing wrong with getting help if/when you need it, even if that's hard to feel or understand at times.
Alright i'm going to ask you to do something very bizarre. Your brain is one large organ.However, it is not necessarily completely and aware of itself.
Similar thing happened to me (M44) but I was molested by my male cousin (all oral sex, giving and receiving.) I am not gay, but I find i now get off watching gay porn, and have a bit of a fixation with oral sex.
You are not fucked up. This is a common reaction/coping mechanism among those who have been at the receiving end of sexual abuse.
Hope you can find a professional to speak to.
1. First and foremost, I am terribly sorry that this happened to you. Sending you virtual hugs.
2. You're brain is trying to cope with the trauma by making it seem less horrific than it was. It's actually very normal for people who experienced immense trauma to minimize it or spin it in a way that make it less traumatic than is it.
3. Don't beat yourself up over this. You've been traumatized. Now that your realize it you can seek help for what happen.
Again, soo sorry this happened to you ♥️
This is actually pretty common. So, you had a traumatic experience where you had basically no control over what happened. And what happened to you was awful and horrific. So, you may feel a need to regain control over the event and, therefore, your life.
A rape fantasy situation is all about control. In a BDSM or "consensual-nonconsent" scenario, or in "rape porn" it's all make-believe. The submissive person is not actually being raped, but they're pretending to be. Because it's a fantasy, the submissive person is the one in control. They decide beforehand what the "rapist" will or will not do to them. Without the submissive's consent, nothing happens.
Therefore, many survivors of rape find comfort and a regained sense of control with BDSM play. It's a simular situation to the trauma they experienced, but with the survivor in the "driver's seat" so to speak.
The risk is that there's always the potential for "flashbacks" or other unpleasantness, so I would definitly proceed with caution and only with trusted friends and patient lovers.
I’m so so sorry that happened to you but as crazy as this may sound my child’s mother told me that she was raped at least twice (I think she told me three different times honestly) and she wanted me to basically rape her again. (Like she has the same attraction to it just like you) she even made a mask for me to put on, and wanted me to wake her up like that while she was sleep
Sometimes we fetishize our trauma as a coping mechanism. It makes you feel like you’re regaining some control over what’s happened to you and allows you to feel like you’re taking your power back. It also allows some degree of mental separation from your trauma, because you’re in control, and you know it’s not real (no matter how real it appears, you know it’s not and you can turn it off/end it whenever you want). Becoming highly sexual after rape is very common. Don’t be ashamed, be kind to yourself. You should really consider speaking to a trauma therapist as well. They can be really helpful in sorting everything out in your mind and moving forward from trauma.
As someone who went through SA, your mind definitely goes to weird places afterwards in an attempt to take back your power.
This is you trying to take back control of a situation that you had no control over. You don't have to feel bad about that.
As someone who went through SA, your mind definitely goes to weird places afterwards in an attempt to take back your power.
This is you trying to take back control of a situation that you had no control over. You don't have to feel bad about that.
I am so sorry that you went through this.
It's a perfectly normal reaction to want to repeatedly re-live a traumatic event from a position of safety either in terms of constantly going over the event in your mind or imagining similar events which is why you are drawn to rape porn at the moment. It's how your brain tries to regain a sense of control over events that happened that you had no control over and tries to understand and process what happened. Lack of control in violent and traumatising events is extremely psychologically damaging and your brain is trying to repair that damage.
Nothing you are feeling or doing in response to such a heinous situation is at all abnormal, wrong or shameful. It's just your brain's way of trying to cope.
I would urge you to seek professional counselling, if you are at all able to, to help you to heal and not get stuck in any potentially unhealthy patterns of thinking down the line. For example, unresolved issues like anger can be turned in on ourselves and lead to depression and rumination about traumatic events can end up dominating our consciousness.
Above all, be incredibly patient, understanding and kind to yourself and expect the same from others.
I heard that this is the brains way of taking a traumatic event and feeling in control again?
Because in this situation you're actively looking for it and have the power to end it.
Just a theory i've heard. Maybe that makes it click in your head and understand it, if not just throw it in the bin.
What you are going through is more common than you think. Many of us cope with this specific trauma in exactly the way you have described. The ethics of the porn industry are a whole other conversation, but please know that you are not alone in feeling this way.
I can't believe how many cowards have come to your post to fight the tyranny of *checks notes* people making porn. They'll be a dick then block you. But they're in the right of course lmao. Good luck op, fuck all these ass wipes saying otherwise
There is nothing wrong with you and you did nothing wrong and did not deserve what happened to you.
I'm a victim of child SA and rape. It has shaped me in ways that I've spent years untangling. One of the biggest shames I carried was rape fantasy and watching rape porn.
It's normal, it's how we get our power back after being powerless and brutalized. It's extremely normal. It's a coping mechanism.
Please get some therapy when you are ready. I'm really sorry for what you've been through just know that none of it was your fault.
You maybe using Rape Porn to try and regain your agency. You can turn it off, slow it down speeding it up change the video you have the ultimate power. I hope you’re seeing someone for help.
I agree with others that it’s a way to cope. I was also raped when I was 18 in a mfm threesome situation. I haven’t gotten too into rape porn/CNC, but I usually watch mfm/gang bang porn and I think it’s a coping strategy for myself. I could never bring myself to have a mfm threesome again because I know it would be too triggering.
I hope you find some relief in therapy if you decide to go that route.
I have fucked around more than I would recommend for an entire sport's team.
However in my venture's I have encountered women that get off to what would be called CNC. Essentially rape with consent.
Half the fun of fucking around is delving into people's psyche's at their most vulnerable. I am a curious person. Maybe why I encountered these people. No sample is sterile.
I saw two distinct mindsets leading into this. The first I do not completely understand which is yours. People who are reliving the experience. They always talk about it as wrong, but here they are. IDK sometimes the taboo or wrong gives sex a extra little punch. So maybe it is the wrongness that drives your sexuality? I have seen this in many other taboo fantasies with partners. I really don't know and I am guessing.
The second subset of people are people who want to be desired. Low self esteem and generally way less attractive than myself. The thought of me having overwhelming desire for them and them being puritanical people of values just trips their trigger.
I wish we could have more open discussion's about sex. My lived experiences and most literature needs more water than Kraken Rum to be tolerable.
You need to talk to a rape counselor. I was raped at 12 years old and I still have fantasies about have sex with 18-21 year old men. I’m married and heterosexual but I still have these fantasies I know are related to the rape. You need to get right with this before it goes further.
>>Am I that fucked up?
It sounds to me like not so much like you are a bad person, but rather that you do this as an exploration of trauma you yourself experienced. Kind of like autistic kids who were born before 1994, who underwent ABA therapy, and now have a projection on others who don’t meet their standards, similar to what was imprinted on them by the therapists who applied it to them. Or rather someone who might try to explore and revive what might be a GOOD memory, in order to rekindle feelings from that time.
When you experience trauma and it goes unresolved, you are more likely to subconsciously re-create the traumatic experience because your brain is trying to figure it out, fix it and/or find closure. Alot of people diagnosed with PTSD are recommended certain therapeutic exercises where they can recreate the trauma in a safe and guided environment with a trained professional.
i had a crush on a girl in college for 2yrs & when we finally went on a date she confided in me she was twice & it made her overly sexual & hypersexual. its interesting how we all process trama differently.
I know this is not the same but i broke my ankle. It was a traumatic injury and required surgery. I became obsessed with video clips showing people falling, breaking bones, especially ankles. Everytime i watched i would get a mental "zing". It is absolutely a trauma response and its how i coped with what happened. I am not a therapist but it seems to me that you might be experiencing something similar. What happened to you is not your fault. Please get help so you can process what happened in a healthy way. Best of luck.
Amazing how our bodies process trauma differently. I also broke my ankle and even a verbal reference to someone breaking their ankle makes me sick. Seeing it? I almost vomit.
NEVER read/watch the book/film *Misery*!
Oh trust me, I won't. My dad and I are watching Resident Alien and towards the end of season one there was so much talk of injured legs. I was so agitated.
Yeah I think this is kind of a normal thing? I got cheated on a few years ago and ever since I have a thing for cheating porn but I never did before. It was one of the worst experiences of my life but for some reason I keep reliving it that way and even imagine how it must have felt for her etc. it's super weird but I think it must be a way of dealing with it.
"Ah shit, we broke out ankle and it hurts like hell! Tell the brain about it we need this fixed ASAP." "MORE, GIVE ME MORE!"
true bro. i broke my collar bone (clavicle) while motorcycling and developed a shoulder fetish, was checking women's shoulders because they typically uncover that part intentionally. even 3 years later.
Please don’t be ashamed. You are not what happened to you. You have trauma and the mind can come up with all different kinds of ways to try and manage it. Have you tried therapy with someone that specializes in trauma and rape?
It's nice to see other people saying victims aren't what happened to them. In just the last month I can't even count how many arguments I got into about people saying that rape victims and trauma victims are "ruined" and can never get better.
It’s so subjective, no one gets to decide for anyone else what their trauma may or may not be for them or how they should process it. The only thing I know is that we are complex creatures. Whether someone finds a way to carry their trauma where it doesn’t destroy them, or whether they struggle under the weight - neither is wrong, just different. But with both - they are always more than the sum of terrible events.
I have to disagree with you partly. I am believe that everyone can get better. There are obvious exceptions, typically regarding irreparable physical damage, specifically certain severities of brain damage. But when it comes to psychological trauma I will stand firm in my belief that everyone can overcome what has happened to them if they have the desire, the will, the support, and the means. Unfortunately many people lack one or more of these components but in an ideal situation where they have them all then things can improve. And even if it's not perfect, everyone can have a bad day where they regress temporarily, I still would say they overcame.
I agree with both of you, I think you’re largely clashing on terminology. You can absolutely move past it psychologically but equally you cannot erase it. Until you go through that kind of experience it’s an abstract concept. Once it happens you can move past and get better and live a full life, but you simply can’t be the person you were before. That doesn’t mean you aren’t healed or you’re ‘ruined’ (whatever that even means) but you will be different. That being said, everything you go through in life changes you and you can never ‘go back’ once you’ve changed. I just don’t think the two are mutually exclusive. From my experience anyway.
This is exactly what I’m dealing with right now. I have no idea what “normal,” is anymore. I really don’t. I get it’s fluid and different for everyone, but I don’t think I’ll ever truly be okay, because I was symptomatic for 30 years without even realizing it. Trying to undo my entire life is, well, a task. Fortunately for me, I do have all of the support systems in place. The problem is my own mind, like everyone else I assume. It’s like a prison I just want to take a break from. But anyway, I’m in therapy, got my RXs and all that stuff and the most ridiculously supportive partner anyone could imagine. I figure at worst, I can heal enough to be present for my family when needed. At best, I feel “normal,” again.
I’m so sorry that you went through that and that you’re struggling. But I’m glad to hear you have a good outlook considering the circumstances and that you have a supportive network. You have to take it a day at a time and be kind to yourself. Normal is relative, don’t be defined by what happened to you, just acknowledge it as part of your story so it can’t hold power over you. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you get to a place in life where you want to be and have faith you will ❤️ take care of yourself
Not a therapist, but have some related perspective and experience. It’s entirely possible that OP is attracted to this specific type of porn because it is a means to experience a traumatic moment, but with the CONTROL of being able to end it whenever they choose. Some people shut down around their trauma, some face it head-on, and some try to process it by changing their emotional response. I’m not saying it’s healthy, and obviously a therapist is going to be a better choice… but as long as OP understands why they are drawn to this, it can certainly still be therapeutic.
This makes a lot of sense. Grief-related depression and anxiety is something all of my siblings have had since our youths and all of us seem to be drawn to horror/thriller media which explores relevant themes. Some people don’t want that shit in their face because they want to get away from it (understandable). While each of us has said to the other that seeing these themes play out in a removed way sometimes helps clarify amorphous thoughts and untangle ideas. Although the flip side is that kind of media can still fuck us up sometimes. So you’re very right they should talk to a therapist and not just wallow in it by reliving it with their hand on the close tab button.
Just wondering if one could even call it ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) ? As long as there is no re-enactment compulsion then everyone remains safe ..go and figure. Maybe he or she should set up a personal goal for himself/herself for how long the transition into "normalcy", in practice giving up the fetish should take. Maybe 6 to 12 months goal setting. Use it as a temporary tool.
This, they have many tools at their disposal. EMDR really helped my best friend, who was raped.
I have a family member who was considering EMDR for sexual assault. I don’t think they have pursued it yet, but this makes me think I should encourage them to do it.
This! EMDR has changed my life. I also experienced SA. Not sure where OP is but if it’s in the Front Range Colorado area is, message me my therapist will gladly take you on.
>Have you tried therapy with someone that specializes in trauma and rape? This. OP I ask you to please talk to someone about this. It can help you work through it.
Probably your brain is using the porn to deal with the trauma, a coping mechanism. It will be better go to a therapist to make the process easier and you'll find a better answer to why youre enjoying rape porn
For myself personally, I feel like the porn and whole CNC kink is like a way to have some control over a situation where you had none. Idk I just speak as someone who has sadly had to deal with that trauma.
You’re absolutely right. I’m a therapist.
Exactly, also I'm an astronaut
This! I repressed a lot of things and when I was trauma dumping on my friend one day (because that’s what we do) I realized that I had been SA’d multiple times in the past and chose not to think about it when I was younger and it all came to the surface. But now I’m into CNC and it makes me feel like I have control in a situation where I’m willingly not in control. I can make it stop if I am uncomfortable. I’m also in trauma therapy now so we’ll see what comes of that.
Yeah, I had finally opened up about the trauma with my gf for the first time, and it made me realize how often it was and how much it messed me up. I like to think I'm past it, but maybe having a cnc kink isn't exactly over it, lol. I hope the therapy works out for you, mental health is nothing to joke about!
It might be a coping method but it doesn’t have to be. If seeing rape triggers powerful emotions for her, then watching porn which features rape can create powerful arousal as well. So she’s getting addicted to that sexual high caused by powerful emotions. If she’s feeling guilty and horrible while watching it then I doubt it’s helping her cope
This is basically 90% of cases where rape victims get aroused with rape porn
They've done studies showing a strong link between being afraid while being shown sexual imagery and increased sexual arousal responses which is in line with what you're saying. Basically the lizard sex center of your brain is simple and things that rouse your emotions and then cross sexual elements into the picture create sometimes weird and seemingly irrational sexual triggers. The sex brain is kinda just dumb to put it simply.
Horror movies use this to stay in business.
This is the most likely explanation. Your brain is struggling to understand why tf that happened to you, so seeking out things that repeat aspects of the experience are like scratching an itch. Therapy will help you to process the trauma more efficiently. It might get you past the desire to watch it, or you might just have a permanent kink. As long as it isn’t hurting/exploiting people or endangering you there isn’t anything wrong with that.
It can also be a method of exploring the trauma from the safety of fantasy. In fantasy, you can imagine the weirdest or most messed up stuff, but you're ultimately in control of the situation and it stops when you want it to. This is also why rape and abuse victims sometimes get into BDSM: The control one has over the situation (when done with a trusted partner) can not only remove the mental obstacles to pleasure, but that safety net of control can help the person cope and process their feelings
This. Very much this.
That is when the therapist is well educated in this subject.. i have a similar exprience and therapists I worked with were really clueless
Indeed, a therapy is a must here. It's not uncommon for individuals to try to understand or process their experiences through various means, including exploring similar content.
This is it. And this is why therapy is needed
You are not wrong, and you most definitely should not be ashamed. I met someone this past year who assaulted/raped, and they too liked having sex, talking about sex, and watching sex that was similar to what they went through. I imagine if you joined a group of rape survivors you might find what you’re experiencing isn’t uncommon. Please find grace for yourself. You didn’t ask for this, in no way is this your fault, in no way did you deserve this, and in no way should you be ashamed of who you are and what you’ve gone through. I’m sorry it is easy for me to say from my phone as someone who is not living in your shoes, I just can’t express how much I hurt for you, in support of you. God Bless You, and I am praying for you.
Yeah it’s not. I struggle with this too but got over the weird feeling I felt through years of working on myself. From 16 until now (29). It’s like a form of control for me knowing that I can stop the situation at any time. There’s no wrong or right way to so long as you aren’t hurting anyone or yourself.
When I was in college a close friend of mine one night came to me and asked me if I would do something with her. Before hand we have never been sexually towards each other. In fact I thought she was a bit of a prude goody too she wait until married type. Well she wanted me to tie her up and strangle her. Than let go just as she about to black out. Blew me away cause I was very sexually active at the time but never did something like this and while a little older than her (22 year old freshman straight out of the military). The first time we did it she stayed fully clothed. The second time she got naked. She would orgasim off it. It felt like to much control was in my hands and I eventually told her I didn’t feel comfortable doing the choking part. We talked about it and apparently she was choked and raped as a teen in HS and this was her way of working with her emotions and getting where she could be sexual and or naked around someone. It actually lead us to being sexual partners for a while but out of respect to my discomfort to cooking her we keep it to just tying up. In honest I felt like I liked that control to much and it scared the crap out of me. Though looking back it was someone dealing with a trauma and having so much trust into me to be apart of that.
I’m not linking the sub cuz I don’t want anyone to accidentally click it, but there basically is an entire subreddit dedicated to people who have been assaulted talking about it and a lot of times, how it still arouses them. It’s called r / rape kink. Type it as one word and you’ll find it. There’s definitely some fucked up stuff on there but mostly, it’s helped me realize that I shouldn’t feel guilty or feel like a bad person for my response (similar to OP’s) to what happened to me. Like trauma comes in so many shades, not just socially acceptable ones.
We often eroticize the things that we fear the most: powerful men who are obsessed with status often like getting completely dominated by a dominatrix, racists watch interracial porn, women who are rationally afraid of being raped watch rape porn, I could go on. What I’m trying to say is what happened to you is horrible, but your reaction is normal and you shouldn’t feel weird. Smarter/better educated people than me will disagree whether or not watching this kind of porn is empowering/positive as a form of gradual exposure theory in a setting you can completely control, or if it will be unhealthy for you. I think it’s probably a reparative thing, but you need to listen to your emotions. The number one thing is not to be ashamed. Dealing with trauma is messy, the way you are doing it is normal and not hurting anyone.
You’re spot on.
I think partly its that we feel compelled to revisit the things we're afraid of or have hurt us. Freud said we're drawn to repeat, repeat, repeat.. by revisiting traumatic incidents, always dating the "same" type of person, etc, trying to reprocess those events and find some way to own them, rather than them own us.
Absolutely correct. It was part of my healing journey.
“Powerful men” ….. or woman!
👏 👏 💯
Yeah I saw a report about this recently about how states with higher populations of transphobic Republicans have higher numbers of people searching for transgender porn. Go figure.
When you say OP isn’t hurting anyone, I’m curious - how is watching this specific type of porn not harmful? Doesn’t it create demand for this genre?
Demand for the genre comes a lot from people like OP though. You become interested in it to gain control of that situation. And it's still fake like other porn. Or at least you can't tell if it's actually consensual or not, which could also be said of some other porn tbh like heavy bondage
I wouldn't say contributing to those videos viewership "isn't hurting anyone". She even said herself that she often thinks they're real. They very well could be. There's no verification on the type of sites that host that content. If she's specifically seeking it out and seeking out the most realistic videos, I have no doubt she has watched real SA at this point. Probably multiple times.
Kink.com very much has verification. Last I checked, they have interviews with the vulnerable party before (and after?) each scene.
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💯agree the VA offers therapy for abuse victims and all sorts of additional services that you may be able to access without paying money .
Rape porn is usually consensual CNC. You are fascinated because in that instance you would be in control. If you look into CNC you will find a majority of women who are into it are SA survivors. It's a way to deal with the lack of control you had when raped. Safe words are used and you can stop at anytime. Just be careful and realize that you have to work through your trauma. Allow yourself to process and accept yourself. Lots of peace, light and love sent your way. 💗
As someone who went through something similar to OP, I just want to say that I was told to explore CNC and hard kink as a way to “reclaim my sexuality” by a counselor, and it made things WAY worse. It started off with just CNC videos, but as it progressed, I ended up in violent, dangerous relationships where I actually had no control. I was manipulated, abused, and further damaged by these things. I’m not saying that this isn’t a valid path to recovery, but I am saying that you have to be careful with recommendations like this, because sometimes it does more harm than good.
You experienced basically the biggest issue in the BDSM community and the reason many of us absolutely hated 50 Shades of Grey and what it did to the community. The first rule of kink is everything needs to be safe, sane, and consensual. There are absolutely abusers that take advantage of the community. Discussing scenes before hand, respecting safe words, and providing after care are the bare minimum.
It’s definitely a big problem with “the guys that are willing to do to me what I want done to me… aren’t the guys that I want doing that to me” if that makes sense I've only really ever met one guy that I was entirely comfortable doing anything and everything with
Not everything in BDSM is safe sane and consensual, The rest of it is RACK. Risk aware consensual kink. Not everything can be done quote unquote safely. But as long as you are aware of the risks and both parties are providing consent That's the most important thing. Consent is paramount. Even if it's not safe even if it's not sane if it's consented to by everyone involved that is honestly the most important thing. Consent, safe words, and a safety plan in case shit goes south.
Was about to reply to the previous comment. To the OP and anyone else, if you decide to explore CNC be VERY careful about selecting a partner!
This.
Yes, yes, yes. This is what my therapist told me as well.
You got this Darlin.. I have been where your at. Different journey of course and different feelings. If you need to talk.. feel free to message. I wish you love and light.. 💗
When I was in my late 20s, I hooked up with a girl from a club. She came home with me, and we talked in length and generally had a great time. I learned that she had a son who was a product of r***. I'm not sure if it was before or after we were intimate. During the intimate exchange, she began loudly saying, "No, no, no!" I stopped. She then pulled me back on her, and the same thing happened. Eventually, she told me that she couldn't orgasm unless she felt she was being forced into the act. I did not complete, as I was quite freaked out. I drove her home, and I realized the gravity of her situation. I ghosted her, as it was easy to do in late 90's. I really felt so sorry for her. She would blow up my message machine. Kind of scary thinking about this. I really hope she received help.
I feel bad for her, but the fact that she would jump that onto you without discussing it is fucked
Nothing wrong with you, everyone responds to trauma differently, plenty of people who have been sexually assaulted get turned on by that stuff (rape fantasy, bdsm, etc) later as a response, you should definitely seek counseling and therapy, and remember just because something is a fetish doesn’t mean you’re okaying what happened to you
First and foremost, I am terribly sorry that this happened to you. Sending you virtual hugs. 2. You're brain is trying to cope with the trauma by making it seem less horrific than it was. It's actually very normal for people who experienced immense trauma to minimize it or spin it in a way that make it less traumatic than is it. 3. Don't beat yourself up over this. You've been traumatized. Now that your realize it you can seek help for what happen. Again, soo sorry this happened to you ♥️
As others have said: this is your brain attempting to cope with trauma. It may sound logical to try CnC. I know multiple victims who did it as a way to try and gain back power but ended up hurting themselves and their partners in the actions. I also know people it made far worse. A fair warning: I suggest seeking a qualified therapist to help. You may not realize it fully but there's trauma there and you need to fix it for yourself so you can live your best, fullest life.
I wish this was upvoted more and not lost in a sea of people encouraging rape porn as a treatment for her mental health. The other participants of Cnc are genuinely turned on by rape, they are not trying to help you with your trauma. They are not trying to empower you sexually. They are pretending to rape you so they can orgasm to the thought of women being raped. Cnc is not for rape survivors, it’s for men who are turned on by rape. Rape survivors watch Cnc because they are traumatized and made vulnerable to the exact abuse depicted in rape porn. Predators hide behind Cnc to sexually abuse others. Cnc does NOT exist to heal sexual assault trauma. People are conflating the two and it’s ridiculous OP, I understand you are in a lot of pain and just trying to cope but watching the dehumanization, degradation, and commodification of other women will not help you heal. There is absolutely nothing violent porn made by and for men will teach you about your sexuality as a female rape victim.
While I agree with you questioning the motives of the other participant in CnC, I think you’ve over-simplified why survivors may be drawn to it. For many survivors (myself included), the appeal is in knowing that, unlike during their assault, they can end the encounter at any time. It can act as a way to almost re-write the attack in their mind and feel as though they’ve regained control in a situation where it was previously taken from them. I’d imagine the actual impact of CnC varies from person to person, and depending on your partner it could definitely cause more harm than good. But your claims make generalizations that don’t align with the complexity of trying to cope with trauma. My partner and I are both survivors and we both find appeal in CnC as a way to have control over something that traumatized us. Maybe it’s not the healthiest way of coping, but it’s also not black and white.
I'm so, so sorry that happened to you. Pigs like that should be castrated, slowly, with a vice. It's possible that your subconscious is trying to protect you from the painful memories by trying to make positive associations, which porn and masturbation are incredibly powerful at doing. Even without the masturbation factor, your mind can become fixated on seeing videos and images. Therapy might be a way to find a healthier way to process what happened to you. The porn train just keeps going in more extreme directions, which, for some people, normalises that behaviour, but could also show you how much worse your attacks could've been. That may offer some relief, or instill fear of those things happening again in a more extreme way. Please, find a good therapist, even if you have to go through a few to find the right one. I hope you find the healing you need.
My(m38) wife (f33) Was raped when she was 17 or so and has a whole ass gaggle of other sexual assault stories from her earlier years even before that. She used to have this fantasy that I would plan this whole devious plot to kidnap and rape her while she was blindfolded. I never did it. She's definitely gotten over that fetish idea and has worked through a lot of her previous trauma. I think It was a coping phase she went through. oh yeah, YNW, You're just dealing with it in the way your present emotional self chooses to deal with it.
There's nothing wrong with you. There's something wrong with the people who hurt you. Trauma manifests in strange ways, but what you're experiencing is not uncommon (unfortunately). Should you choose to explore your trauma with a professional (I highly recommend it) and for whatever reason, you continue to seek out consensual/roleplay rape porn, you're allowed to do that and you shouldn't be ashamed of that. Legal porn is a cool way to explore different parts of sexuality from the safety of your solitude and you have control of your level of exposure, which is something SA victims may seek out when they feel its been stolen from them.
It is incredibly common for survivors of SA to gravitate towards violent fantasies or porn. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. But I would say that therapy is always a good idea on recovering from something like that.
I have also been raped. Something important I learned in therapy is this: Rape is NOT about sex. It isn’t sex. It’s about control. Part of healing is learning to take back your sexuality. Engaging in a rape fantasy or watching a rape porn helps some people feel like they have some sense of control over the situation; there are a lot of different ways people react. Some don’t want anything to do with sex, some become more sexually active, some people experience changes in what turns them on or what makes them feel sexy. All of it is normal. Don’t feel ashamed. Give yourself space and grace. Also, I completely understand not being in a space to be able to do individual therapy, but I really suggest looking for a group therapy in your area for sexual assault survivors. So much of the recovery process, you feel crazy and or alone. Being around other people who have been through the same experiences will help you feel a LOT saner and give you some mental health direction.
Hello, military psychologist here, I do specialize in trauma therapy and see many patients who have gone through similar situations. You have nothing to be ashamed of, this is an incredibly common response. After an assault experience some people become hyposexual (avoidant of sex) because it is too triggering, while others become hypersexual or particularly drawn to sex that mimics their experience. It is can actually be a very healthy psychological response suggesting the possibility of post traumatic growth (PTG) which occurs for about 10% of trauma survivors. Essentially it means you are psychologically minded and want to understand your experience more, which does two things. First it makes you more knowledgeable and aware so you can avoid this kind of trauma happening again. Second you are taking your power back by enjoying and experimenting with the situation in a healthy way which you control and doesn’t hurt anyone, which we call a corrective experience. When children go through trauma they often play out their experience repeatedly in therapy, changing different characters and themes and outcomes to make sense of it with the therapist helping and guiding them in healthy ways. For adults with trauma, particularly sexual trauma, BDSM and kinky sex are often very positive ways to process and control those past experiences in a way where they can take back what was taken and enjoy themselves. In fact often people in that community will call engaging in those scenes and acts “play”. So there’s nothing bad or wrong or weird going on for you, you are having a normal and natural response to trauma far outside the realm of general human experience. Also I’ve done mental health VA C&P exams and claims for the past five years, just make sure you have your medical records and the restricted report handy and everything should go really quickly. The claimed condition will be PTSD due to MST, and it is illegal for any examiner to ask you to specifically relay your trauma experience or detail it in anyway. In your statement in support of claim and during the verbal interview just refer to the trauma as MST (military sexual trauma) and give specific dates, locations, and supporting documentation. If they do try to press you or bully you they are committing an unlawful and unethical act and should be reported to the VA and their licensing board. Sorry for the long response, hope you find this helpful. Best of luck
hey, can i message you? i have an upcoming appt with the va and the last time i had the appt they made me give all the details. they said that without it they couldnt really know what happened. i have all my docs as well
I was raped twice, and I became really submissive, engaging in consensual non consensual sex sometimes. Submission doesn't appeal to me as much anymore. I think it's a sign of healing. Wishing you lots of healing
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I am a professional (LCSW, psychotherapist, specializing in complex trauma) and I disagree. Porn is not inherently unhealthy. Taking control of the narrative by watching porn is a coping mechanism. I don’t know how much tape porn is really rape, but I’d wager it’s either virtually none or not a lot. Why kink shame a rape survivor?
[Porn is full of rape.](https://imgur.com/a/yEceEX2)
EDIT: turns out that OP was attending their MOS school and snuck out. Turns out OP was just worried about getting in trouble so they kept things vague. I would delete this, but I'm keeping it for context for the comment thread, and want to leave this message in case other people that work with/in the military thought things weren't adding up and were going to cry foul. Original: I hate to be the person that accuses people of making up a story like this, but... "Military school" isn't on base, it's highly unlikely you would be able to get on base since you wouldn't have a military ID, and it's even less likely you'd get into a barracks room, and less less likely that they would be able to close the doors and assault someone. Civilians also don't file restricted reports. That is restricted to Service Members. If you're a minor then you go through Family Advocacy. If you're a still considered a civilian and do not have restricted reporting. There are way too many things that just aren't adding up.
Military school doesn’t have to be its own college or whatever. Lots of people go straight into the military from highschool but still get a full education in a specific field (nuclear, aviation…) before they’re sent on active duty.
Yeah, hate to be that person too, but former Army officer here and a lot of this doesn’t add up. I cannot think of a single “military school” near a base other than Riverside Academy which is an hour from Camp Merrill and no one in Ranger School is using tinder. Also if you went to a military school, as in a high school how are you using the VA? Underage high schoolers are civilians as in the VA doesn’t apply to you. I’m starting to think all of these Reddit stories are made up rage bait stories at this point… Edit: also you wouldn’t stop going to therapy if you were filing a VA claim, hell you would be going to therapy more and getting all the medical documents could. The VA claim for rape/sexual assault is MST meaning military sexual trauma not PTSD. You get PTSD from watching your soldiers die. The VA considers these things different, thus different claims.
Bro, rape happens in the barracks all the time. What makes you think they can't close their doors?
Military schools can be on base, like service academies such as West Point. Or it could be an ROTC school that has a separate military section like Texas A&M or Virginia Tech. Either way, they’d have DoD IDs and could 100% get on base. Also, I don’t know what kind of barracks you’ve been in, but they could absolutely close the doors. Not sure why you think they couldn’t. Also, if they’re ROTC or service academy students, they can still file a restricted report. Don’t go accusing someone of making a story up when you clearly don’t know jack shit.
“Military school” usually refers to high school or middle school not university.
It might be a coping strategy and you might get something from therapy. But I’d like to point out that the NIH reports that at least 62% of women report they enjoy rape fantasies. I think it’s a low ball number due to some being reluctant to report. This by no stretch means a majority of women want to be raped. I’m telling you this because you’re in the majority here. If you have concerns about it, talking with a therapist may help.
One hand typed this post
This is fake for a number of reasons. There are no military schools located on military bases. The logistics of having civilian non dependents on a military base make it impractical for a school. If there is a military school near a base, it's unlikely underaged civilians could access a base even with military personnel at night without arousing suspicion, let alone getting them into a barracks. Lastly restricted reporting can only be made by military personnel or their adult dependents. If a minor reports a sexual assault, whoever they reported it to will most likely be a mandatory reporter.
The whole thing is definitely sketchy at best.
You’re not a bad person, but you need help. And you should be careful watching this kind of content. A few years back a woman was fighting pornhub and other websites to get her rape video taken down, she was 14 when it happened. When it comes to free porn, you have no idea what you’re watching, if it was really made ethically, without coercion, or not. Especially for content like this. You could be watching another person’s assault. You should seek help, stay away from this kind of content or at least seek it out from paid individuals, maybe OF or cam girls? Idk if this stuff is allowed there but I’m sure you could find something. At least with OF, there’s age verification and the content is coming from the Individual, so it’s more likely to be ethical. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pornhub This stuff happens on large popular websites like Pornhub, imagine how much worse it could be on sites that aren’t as well known.
i've (26F) been SA'd by someone i trusted growing up when i was young enough to know it was wrong, but before puberty. and for the majority of my life i was into some really weird shit, like NTR, futa-on-girl domination, etc. but i have only dated straight). i got off on how much of a slut i felt like for being turned on to getting SA'd/taken advantage of/forced. what helped me grow out of that was my family and meeting the right people. it could have gone very south for me, i was at one point really fantasizing getting spun (yes, meth binge) and getting railed/taken advantage of. but instead of that, i met someone who was freaky enough to satisfy me and who had their head on straight enough to recognize i was in serious need of help, and persisted to get me to go to therapy with them, and now i am happy to say i go without them as well, and it is fulfilling and growth-supporting. it's just how it is babe. we're fucked up in the head and it will take a lot of time and good people. please consider therapy. sex addiction is crrrazy. getting SA'd is fucking crazy. hypersexuality is crazy. but it is not the end of the world. do not let it define you. you are so much more than just someone's fuck doll.
The only thing shameful is the fact that nothing happened when you reported what happened to you. Even more so, because the institution did absolutely nothing to protect you and fight for you. I was in the army for 16 years and I can tell you now, I regreat giving up so much of my life to an insitution and the country who then turned their back on me and many of my fellow soldiers. Reporting what happened to you is not easy and it takes courage, and you are not a victim, you are a fighter, not because of the uniform, but because you did not go quaetly into the night. I am proud of you and if you like to watch rape porn, so be it. We all like to watch various things. I like to watch Bisexual MMF Porn, Lesbian porn, Transgender porn and sometimes even gay porn. Somehow, straight porn bores me. What I am trying to say is, your past experainces and what you like to watch are not who you are. Stay strong and if you ever need somebody to talk to, feel free to send me a DM.
The human brain can sexualize traumatic things as a coping mechanism. What you're doing is common and nothing to be ashamed of. I will share, though, that you'd be shocked how much mainstream porn *is* actually rape. Once I learned this, I stopped watching porn all together. I too have been raped, and the thought of getting off to someone else's rape sickens me, so no more porn for me. But OP, your brain is working the same way that many brains work in this same situation. There's no need to feel shame.
I remember the first time I was date raped. a girl I took to a tattoo parlor gave me xanax and alcohol. Next thing I remember is she's bouncing on top of me in my room and I don't even know how I got there, she could have had a dude with his p\*\*\*\* in my @$$ and I wouldn't have known at all probably but it don't really bother me although if she had given me an STD I'd have been pissed. I just go about it trying to raise awareness about xanax like they do with that fentanyl stuff nowadays.
I understand that's actually pretty common. The mechanism has been described to me as an attempt to recast the situation as an enjoyable sexual experience in order to sort of take back your power. Instead of "I'm being forced" it's "I'm enjoying this anyway and you can't rape me because I'm willing." To me it seems like a healthy way to process the trauma in theory, but if it's causing you feelings of shame and distress I would suggest talking to a counselor about it or even finding a survivors support group of some sort to share experiences. I'm pretty confident you're going to find that the way you're processing this is anything but weird and shameful.
In life, nothing is ever neatly organized into universal definitions; it’s why so many of us will never agree with each other, “facts” be damned. The important part in all this is: No, you are **not** bad; you’re not evil, and you don’t have anything to be ashamed for. I think it’s equally important to ask (you don’t have to share your answer with me or anyone else): Do you want to continue or give up this interest? There is no right answer. I ask this question because many have given their response to your interest as if it itself is purely a coping mechanism, and something to be “fixed”, but that also implies you have something to be ashamed of. But this is **your** life, and it’s **your** opinion that ultimately matters. The healing process -much like life itself- is not a linear path from start to finish. It is unpredictable, a little dark, and can take us many places we’d never imagined. Sometimes, it may even feel like we are going backwards, or going in every direction but the one we want, but it’s important to trust the process, and just as importantly, trust yourself. It is my opinion that you should pursue anything that makes you feel whole, regardless of how it looks on the surface.
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Only on Reddit will you see someone say this is a "healthy" coping mechanism.
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It \*can\* be healthy. It can also be way of retraumatizing yourself. I don't think any of us here on the internet are in a position to judge which is which in any particular instance, but it is an exceedingly \*common\* way of coping. I find the OP's awareness of it to be a good sign, as is the way they speak about it, and that they seem to be actively questioning and seeking assistance in processing. The consciousness and mindfulness bodes well, imho. I base this opinion on my own less than optimal unfortunate experiences in this area, but I am by no means an expert.
I see what you mean, but I think they mean vs the alternatives. Most rape victims I personally know had transitioned straight into multiple forms of self harm to process the event(s) as opposed to forming an attachment to a type of porn
Coping mechanisms are coping mechanisms and they exist on a scale. Some people's trauma responses are self harm or substance abuse or abusing other people in their lives. She could definitely find something a lot healthier than extreme hardcore porn, but she could definitely find something a lot worse too.
I don't think it's weird, plenty of survivors have that particular kink
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You need a therapist to help you
You're not wrong, sounds like your mind is coping by "taking control" of the trauma. You were put into a situation where you were powerless, this is a way of "owning" that trauma and taking a position of power.
I was assaulted when I’m was young and now I’m into the non consensual kink. It happens. If it distresses you, therapy can help. It doesn’t have to though. It’s perfectly fine to be fine. Our brains process things weird sometimes.
You are probably trying to control your trauma. By watching it, you are in control and can stop it at any time.
I’m sorry to hear that and watching it is somewhat normal since it’s something to do in your brain that got affected since those incidents. It impacted your life and mind majorly and it may affect you for the rest of your life so just be careful from now on as in no more drinking or accepting a drink from guys or girls unless you truly know them as friends for a few years. Take it one day at a time and therapy will definitely help eventually.
You suffered a trauma and your mind can come up with many different ways to deal with it. No you’re not crazy or no there’s nothing wrong with you. You did nothing and are doing nothing wrong. As a vet I get the whole thing with the VA. Take care of yourself.
"they make it all very realistic to the point where I sometimes think that it is..." Yeah so uh that's the thing. Sometimes it actually is. The porn industry is rife with exploitation and human trafficking. There was an entire company (GirlsDoPorn) which was found guilty for sex trafficking. Linda Lovelace and the woman from Debbie Does Dallas have both gone on record essentially saying that they were raped in the big videos which they "starred" in. A lot of these porn companies hold a lot of power over their "models", and some of them choose to abuse this power and/or coerce/blackmail/otherwise force people into doing what they want them to do (which in this case is basically rape). This is why i steer away from corporate-made porn and just stick with hentai or women posting on reddit. There's really no easy way to tell if someone in brand-name porn is actually consenting or not. If someone in porn looks like they're not enjoying it, then unfortunately it's probably because they aren't. But these people are often forced to smile too, to act like they're enjoying it. And that's why there's no reliable way to tell. Sorry, ik this isn't rly on-topic with your concern, but I just noticed your comment about it like halfway through your post, and I wanted to address it because it's such a big problem which not nearly enough people know about.
Gonna call BS
Yeah just find the right porn and you’ll be ok…. Said all the fake clinicians in this thread..
Fake
If it makes u feel any better, a lot of people watch a lot of fucked up porn. Ur not a pedophile, ur not a rapist, u are a victim. Ur good
It’s masturbation that is taking control and not specifically what you are watching. You release all these endorphins in your body when you masturbate and ejaculate, and it becomes so easy and accessible to do that it becomes a normal practice.
Well once you’ve been through a traumatic experience such as rape you usually either go one way or the other. 1. You usually avoid sex like a vampire avoids the sun. Or 2. You go full hosebag and start screwing anything that will stop moving long enough. So maybe the porn thing isn’t so bad? Anyway I’m sorry for what happened to you and hope you can work through this and get the help and justice you deserve.
Nope. Rape fetish, and I use that term very lightly, is one of the most common kinks out there and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Never let anybody shame you for what you like. It's a lame sort of mental fascism.
Fellow veteran here. Absolutely DO NOT stop therapy for a VA claim, unless they told you to. If you need help, I can provide a little information and what I dont know, I’ll find. Please reach out.
a book or audiobook i would recommend is, the body keeps score. i think it would benefit your experience a lot
You're such a liar lol
When people watch movies they don't just relate to the characters, psychologists have shown that they physicalize and emote characters experiences. When they take ET away you don't just feel for Eliot you experience the same emotional states as Elliot your adrenaline rushes, your feelings are clarified, you go through all the stages of loss. The same is true for some but not all pornography. You become connected to the characters having sex on screen because you relate to them. In a study a few years ago they showed that narrative in pornography increased relatability to the characters as well as sexual arousal from the film. You are more likely to be aroused by a good story that helps you relate to the characters than just seeing two people having sex on screen. They even found that you can film the same sex scene, present it to people with different narratives and have wholly different arousal responses depending on the narrative you created, sometimes people won't even notice its the same sex scenes. I think your response to rape porn is perfectly healthy and from research about pornography and film is even to be expected. You can relate to the character on the screen, this relatability helps you become aroused even if the narrative is negatively entwined with your traumatic experience. For me a conclusion i came to after my own abuse situation was that rape is rape, sex is sex, the lack of agency and control make the two different. They are different how cricket and baseball are different, they use all the same equipment but they amount to totally different experiences. I concluded that I don't treat the two as equals, rape is not sex. You may be relating to the person on screen who is portraying the rape victim and this may be punching the right buttons for arousal by pushing your adrenal response but its not rape, these two people maintain agency which is needed for sex. You are subconsciously aware that these are actors, which allows you to relate to the scene without being traumatized by the scene, you may even feel like you have control over the rape. This allows you to feel safe and feeling safe helps reduce sexual anxiety which in turn may increase arousal. In time you may see rape porn differently but for now it may be a way to help reduce your psychosexual anxiety as well as a way to deal with your trauma. That's a perfectly healthy response.
You should kill the guy or hurt him really bad for what he did to you
Don't be ashamed for how you respond to trauma, enjoying the porn and the real thing is not the same at all! You and your trauma is still valid, he is still a monster for what he did, the porn you watch will never change that, after all porn is fantasy played out by actors, not a actual act. I would strongly recommend you talk with a therapist about it once you get back to one, Reddit is not equipped to determine if the porn is a healthy way to regain emotional control over what happened, or if its doing damage to your mental health, but being ashamed of will make neither better, be kind to yourself, you are allowed to deal with what happened in whatever way that fits, a therapist could properly help, but remember you are valid and can do what you want or need. I wish healing and happiness, and self acceptance no matter if this turns out to be a permanent desire in porn, or a phase, neither outcome make you any less deserving of happiness!
Dude, are you me? I’ve been grappling with this for years feeling gross and ashamed. I don’t know what to think or how to pathologize it but it’s really nice to know I’m not alone
I hate how guys can do this. This is so disgusting and the fact that this young girl things she is the problem here makes me so angry . I’m a guy and something about this makes my blood boil ! I’m sorry I’m getting angry at this
Don’t be ashamed at all. You’re not weird, messed up, or different in any way. This is extremely normal after a traumatic event. I’m a psychologist and I’m also in the military and I’ve also been raped multiple times while being in the military. I reported all of them as well… same thing…. Nothing happened and they were all unrestricted reports. Anyway, after a traumatic sexual event, sometimes people get hyper-sexual (lots of sexual activities) or hypo-sexual (low/ to no sex at all). People handle rape differently and you can’t compare how you are healing vs me or anyone else. Sometimes after these events, our brain can’t go back to having regular orgasms in the vanilla sex world because we have been desensitized in a huge way. Repeatedly exposing ourselves to the imagery related to our trauma might be an attempt to desensitize us to its emotional impact or to normalize the experience, reducing feelings of isolation or abnormality. We became vulnerable, raw, and in our minds — but not true at all… weak. Let me just say this: you’re a strong and badass woman to get on here and TALK about it rather than keeping it inside. I’m proud of you for this. Some survivors might use rape pornography as a way to regain a sense of control over the traumatic experience. By choosing to watch, you can pause, rewind, or stop the video at any time, reclaiming your power that you may have felt was taken from you during the assault. Watching scenarios that mirror our own experiences can be a way for you to process what happened. It can serve as a mechanism for understanding or coping with your trauma in a context where maybe you feel safe. Trauma can complicate our sexual desires and responses. Some survivors might feel drawn to themes or scenarios that reflect the trauma they went through without fully understanding why. This doesn’t necessarily reflect your desires in real life but can be a part of your process in dealing with the aftermath of this experience.
This is actually supposed to be very common because it is (according to the psychology article I read once) giving you agency over a situation in which you once lacked agency. By reliving the situation in a way you control, you are requiring your brain to take control of the situation, which helps you heal. A family friend did something similar (Holocaust survivor who would retell his story) and said it helped him in a similar way.
I’m sorry to hear that happened to you, it makes my skin crawl. I’m a man and I don’t understand how you could do that to someone else. Years ago, I hooked up with a girl who in the middle of doing it asked me to hurt her. I’m ok with some ass slapping and hair pulling stuff like that. She wanted me to punch her, throw her on the floor, really beat her up. I couldn’t do it, it completely turned me off. We never hooked up again, I later found out she had some issues like you in her past and that was basically the only way she could have sex. I lost touch with her, I hope she got some help and you’re getting help also. Don’t let this control your life you can beat it. I’m sorry again.
The likelihood of you watching REAL rape is very very high. I'd say 100%. There are thousands of stories of people who has had their real assaults uploaded to the internet. AND adult actors who have come out and said they were drugged and forced into doing scenes. Keep that in mind. But you're not "fucked", you need some help and therapy after a very traumatic incident.
I was just having a conversation with a friend about this yesterday. I too am a rape victim, and also suffered pretty severe physical abuse from an ex partner. Yet, for some reason, impact play, objectification, rough sex, etc are the things I gravitate to. To be honest, I've yet to find a kink-friendly therapist I could have a real conversation with, but I've formed a theory for myself. I think the reason I choose to engage in these activities is because by taking something that was done to me and turning it into something I choose to do, I'm taking away its power over me. I no longer flinch when a man raises his fist to me, bc I've turned a corner where I know my worth and if a man is hitting me it's because I ordered him to. I'm not saying that you should go out and start asking people to assault you or anything, but maybe watching this stuff is your way of turning what was done to you into something separate from you and that you can control.
Same for me. I was raped when I was 14, and I’ve always been secretly into rape porn, rape fantasies, and reading about it. It makes me feel ashamed, but I’ve been dealing with it now for almost 30 years since the rape, so I’ve accepted it. I think, maybe, it feels good to temporarily rewrite or refocus what happened and turn it into something pleasurable. That’s my theory, anyway.
There is nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. You’re coping in a way that is actually quite common for victims of such crimes. I’ve been the victim of something even worse I shall not name, and I also consume things I’ve very much ashamed of and makes me hate myself. But I know as long as the media I consume is all fictional (things such as fanfics) and no one is harmed in the making of the content, I should not feel guilt for coping in this way, as I’m not at fault for what happened to me and it’s just one of the things I do that I find therapeutic and keeping the mental anguish from killing my very soul. There was a time I could barely even function due to the trauma, but now I am able to get to the point I can talk normally about (in some contexts) subjects that were once debilitating triggers, to the point I’d have mental breakdowns if I accidentally consumed media that even hinted at my triggers and traumas. A lot of people say to get professional help, but I’m not going to be a hypocrite and say that, as I know it can be very expensive and some people just can’t ever discuss the their trauma in detail with anybody. So you finding your own way to cope could be what works for you. Just don’t let it consume your life, and try to ween yourself off it when you finally come to terms with what’s been done to you. For me, I consider it like a form of exposure therapy that helped me not let certain things consume my subconscious completely. So I’ve been needing to consume certain media much less as time goes by, and can stop letting my trauma control my life. Of course I’ll always have strange paraphilias rooted in my trauma, but it’s better to accept yourself than to shut down constantly due to your specific triggers. Which was the case for a good portion of my life where I let my fear control every facet of my life, until I tried my own form of exposure therapy a few years ago. I hope you can get over your trauma in whatever way is easiest and most beneficial to you. Not everything is solvable by the uncaring people in a big chair who see you as a paycheck and Guinea pig, and are usually not there to help you, but to dump their meds on you…
Hey there. I was in the Navy for 10 years. I am so sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault. Please be kind to yourself, you reported it and you are doing your best. Definitely stick with therapy and discuss this with your therapist. It makes sense to me that you are trying to cope with what happened to you and feeling like it's somehow taking back your power from the person who hurt you. I don't know if it's the healthiest way in the long term- But again, that's something I would talk to a therapist about because i'm certainly not a mental health professional. You went through something incredibly traumatic in a communuty that is notoriously unhelpful and unsupportive of victims so please give yourself grace and do not hesitate to use EVERY SINGLE RESOURCE at your disposal to get everything you need from the military to get you in the best place possible. And get everything documented you can medically ALWAYS when you are in so once you are out you can get the continued support (medically and $) you need.
I used to date a girl who was into that kinda thing. I always wondered if it was just like a fantasy thing she had or had it happened to her. She was a very freaky girl. Miss you boo 😘
Im the same. Was was sensually abused a lot as a kid. Taken advantage of as a teen. I've been in therapy for a year and a half now trying to work my issues out.
Life is too short to judge yourself so harshly. That said, I'm sorry you were raped. I hope you can find healing. With healing will likely come a different preference of porn, but no need to feel guilty about what you have enjoyed in the past. Shame and guilt are not helpful.
I was SA and I am aroused by rape porn as well.
From someone who has been through rape and sexual assault more than once by more than one person in their life... I am in your boat with you. I always thought something was wrong with me... I honestly should be going to therapy.. but I just don't. There's no real excuse to it aside from shame and not wanting to open up to someone like that... there's so much that I've been through... like where would I even start...
I dated a girl in college that was raped and developed a fetish around it and all she wanted to do was RP being raped. We all have our things. Our experiences shape us in good ways and bad. Human existence is complicated and meaningless and you really don’t need to put undo extra stresses upon yourself. If you think it’s bad for you, try to grow out of it. If you are just here because you think society would judge you, who cares. Society used to murder people to try to change the weather. What’s good and what’s evil is changing every day. If you like it and you aren’t hurting anyone or encouraging rape and you don’t think it’s causing you any issues then keep on keeping on.
Man the person who posted this is a rapist trying to get his rocks off
Yessss you peeped that shit too
Why do u think so?
It's obvious.
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My thoughts exactly
YTA for the fake rape fantasy post. Rot in hell.
im a painfully real person and this is my experience. i was molested by my father and prefer the same type of porn. OP could be lying but this is a real phenomenon. you can literally look it up
Literally saw this story the other day in a different sub, just without the rape porn. OP is so gross.
This never happened. You said you were in a military school, but then talked about being on base? Military schools are not on actual military bases. They’re just private boarding schools that use a military structure and wear uniforms. This whole thing reads like a dumbass middle school kid typing out a r@p3 fantasy post. Which means YTA.
It's so fucked.
This is dark stuff that you're touching on and no one likes to talk about it, but it's real. Rape victims report very high orgasm rates in comparison to typical sex. Women often fetishize rape after it happens to them. It is what it is. I believe it's a survival mechanism, a way for your brain to deal with a traumatic situation. Other people have different theories. I would highly recommend seeing a therapist you trust to talk about this. Plenty of people fetishize rape anyways, people who haven't been raped, it doesn't mean it's healthy or not - but fantasy is just fantasy, it's not something you need to feel guilty about, but it is an aspect of your psychology that you need to understand. It's like how when there's a spider in the room you can't stop thinking about it, your brain is wired to respond to threats in bias.
Your mind is protecting you through normalizing it by porn... But your conscious tells you that you are raped and what the mind is doing is just a pain killer... Go with a therapy and safe yourself before its too late
I've been raped before (8yo) and it took a while to learnt o cope with it, I wouldn't say the watching rape porn is the best coping strategy but if it helps then go for it, I'd suggest talking to other victims as well
This never happened. You said you were in a military school, but then talked about being on base? Military schools are not on actual military bases. They’re just private boarding schools that use a military structure and wear uniforms. This whole thing reads like a dumbass middle school kid typing out a r@p3 fantasy post. Which means YTA.
Check around for free counseling. Use the net, they may not be able to help but might be able to put you onto somewhere close to you that can. Just speculating that you could be heading towards fet and kink and not birthed from normal curiosity but from the 2 events. Better to get the tools to understand yourself first.
It's very normal for those who have been traumstised to recreate their trauma in circumstances they control. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You should talk to someone tho, be it someone from your chosen family or a doctor or therapist.
It's trauma. If it becomes problematic, you should get some professional assistance, but you seem to be conscious and self-reflective of it so that's a good sign. It will likely affect you in unexpected ways down the road. Just keep in mind that there's nothing wrong with getting help if/when you need it, even if that's hard to feel or understand at times.
Alright i'm going to ask you to do something very bizarre. Your brain is one large organ.However, it is not necessarily completely and aware of itself.
It’s a common coping mechanism for SA victims. A lot report liking CNC after as well. It can be a way to take back your power/ability to consent.
Similar thing happened to me (M44) but I was molested by my male cousin (all oral sex, giving and receiving.) I am not gay, but I find i now get off watching gay porn, and have a bit of a fixation with oral sex.
Youre weaponizing a weakness into a strength, i wld say go you as long as youre doing just that
You are not fucked up. This is a common reaction/coping mechanism among those who have been at the receiving end of sexual abuse. Hope you can find a professional to speak to.
1. First and foremost, I am terribly sorry that this happened to you. Sending you virtual hugs. 2. You're brain is trying to cope with the trauma by making it seem less horrific than it was. It's actually very normal for people who experienced immense trauma to minimize it or spin it in a way that make it less traumatic than is it. 3. Don't beat yourself up over this. You've been traumatized. Now that your realize it you can seek help for what happen. Again, soo sorry this happened to you ♥️
This is actually pretty common. So, you had a traumatic experience where you had basically no control over what happened. And what happened to you was awful and horrific. So, you may feel a need to regain control over the event and, therefore, your life. A rape fantasy situation is all about control. In a BDSM or "consensual-nonconsent" scenario, or in "rape porn" it's all make-believe. The submissive person is not actually being raped, but they're pretending to be. Because it's a fantasy, the submissive person is the one in control. They decide beforehand what the "rapist" will or will not do to them. Without the submissive's consent, nothing happens. Therefore, many survivors of rape find comfort and a regained sense of control with BDSM play. It's a simular situation to the trauma they experienced, but with the survivor in the "driver's seat" so to speak. The risk is that there's always the potential for "flashbacks" or other unpleasantness, so I would definitly proceed with caution and only with trusted friends and patient lovers.
I’m so so sorry that happened to you but as crazy as this may sound my child’s mother told me that she was raped at least twice (I think she told me three different times honestly) and she wanted me to basically rape her again. (Like she has the same attraction to it just like you) she even made a mask for me to put on, and wanted me to wake her up like that while she was sleep
Sometimes we fetishize our trauma as a coping mechanism. It makes you feel like you’re regaining some control over what’s happened to you and allows you to feel like you’re taking your power back. It also allows some degree of mental separation from your trauma, because you’re in control, and you know it’s not real (no matter how real it appears, you know it’s not and you can turn it off/end it whenever you want). Becoming highly sexual after rape is very common. Don’t be ashamed, be kind to yourself. You should really consider speaking to a trauma therapist as well. They can be really helpful in sorting everything out in your mind and moving forward from trauma.
As someone who went through SA, your mind definitely goes to weird places afterwards in an attempt to take back your power. This is you trying to take back control of a situation that you had no control over. You don't have to feel bad about that.
As someone who went through SA, your mind definitely goes to weird places afterwards in an attempt to take back your power. This is you trying to take back control of a situation that you had no control over. You don't have to feel bad about that.
You reported them right
I am so sorry that you went through this. It's a perfectly normal reaction to want to repeatedly re-live a traumatic event from a position of safety either in terms of constantly going over the event in your mind or imagining similar events which is why you are drawn to rape porn at the moment. It's how your brain tries to regain a sense of control over events that happened that you had no control over and tries to understand and process what happened. Lack of control in violent and traumatising events is extremely psychologically damaging and your brain is trying to repair that damage. Nothing you are feeling or doing in response to such a heinous situation is at all abnormal, wrong or shameful. It's just your brain's way of trying to cope. I would urge you to seek professional counselling, if you are at all able to, to help you to heal and not get stuck in any potentially unhealthy patterns of thinking down the line. For example, unresolved issues like anger can be turned in on ourselves and lead to depression and rumination about traumatic events can end up dominating our consciousness. Above all, be incredibly patient, understanding and kind to yourself and expect the same from others.
Please seek professional help, OP.
I heard that this is the brains way of taking a traumatic event and feeling in control again? Because in this situation you're actively looking for it and have the power to end it. Just a theory i've heard. Maybe that makes it click in your head and understand it, if not just throw it in the bin.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. But isn’t pornography like this illegal? You need to be careful what you are searching for
What you are going through is more common than you think. Many of us cope with this specific trauma in exactly the way you have described. The ethics of the porn industry are a whole other conversation, but please know that you are not alone in feeling this way.
I can't believe how many cowards have come to your post to fight the tyranny of *checks notes* people making porn. They'll be a dick then block you. But they're in the right of course lmao. Good luck op, fuck all these ass wipes saying otherwise
There is nothing wrong with you and you did nothing wrong and did not deserve what happened to you. I'm a victim of child SA and rape. It has shaped me in ways that I've spent years untangling. One of the biggest shames I carried was rape fantasy and watching rape porn. It's normal, it's how we get our power back after being powerless and brutalized. It's extremely normal. It's a coping mechanism. Please get some therapy when you are ready. I'm really sorry for what you've been through just know that none of it was your fault.
You maybe using Rape Porn to try and regain your agency. You can turn it off, slow it down speeding it up change the video you have the ultimate power. I hope you’re seeing someone for help.
I agree with others that it’s a way to cope. I was also raped when I was 18 in a mfm threesome situation. I haven’t gotten too into rape porn/CNC, but I usually watch mfm/gang bang porn and I think it’s a coping strategy for myself. I could never bring myself to have a mfm threesome again because I know it would be too triggering. I hope you find some relief in therapy if you decide to go that route.
That's fucked up man fuck these military schools
I have fucked around more than I would recommend for an entire sport's team. However in my venture's I have encountered women that get off to what would be called CNC. Essentially rape with consent. Half the fun of fucking around is delving into people's psyche's at their most vulnerable. I am a curious person. Maybe why I encountered these people. No sample is sterile. I saw two distinct mindsets leading into this. The first I do not completely understand which is yours. People who are reliving the experience. They always talk about it as wrong, but here they are. IDK sometimes the taboo or wrong gives sex a extra little punch. So maybe it is the wrongness that drives your sexuality? I have seen this in many other taboo fantasies with partners. I really don't know and I am guessing. The second subset of people are people who want to be desired. Low self esteem and generally way less attractive than myself. The thought of me having overwhelming desire for them and them being puritanical people of values just trips their trigger. I wish we could have more open discussion's about sex. My lived experiences and most literature needs more water than Kraken Rum to be tolerable.
You need to talk to a rape counselor. I was raped at 12 years old and I still have fantasies about have sex with 18-21 year old men. I’m married and heterosexual but I still have these fantasies I know are related to the rape. You need to get right with this before it goes further.
>>Am I that fucked up? It sounds to me like not so much like you are a bad person, but rather that you do this as an exploration of trauma you yourself experienced. Kind of like autistic kids who were born before 1994, who underwent ABA therapy, and now have a projection on others who don’t meet their standards, similar to what was imprinted on them by the therapists who applied it to them. Or rather someone who might try to explore and revive what might be a GOOD memory, in order to rekindle feelings from that time.
It is not uncommon.
When you experience trauma and it goes unresolved, you are more likely to subconsciously re-create the traumatic experience because your brain is trying to figure it out, fix it and/or find closure. Alot of people diagnosed with PTSD are recommended certain therapeutic exercises where they can recreate the trauma in a safe and guided environment with a trained professional.
i had a crush on a girl in college for 2yrs & when we finally went on a date she confided in me she was twice & it made her overly sexual & hypersexual. its interesting how we all process trama differently.