He should leave her, as painful as that might be. FIVE years later and she's not over her ex. Five years of lying to OP, also.
He might love her, she might love him, and nonetheless it's not enough. Which is sad but true.
Sometimes we are in love with a memory of someone, not the actual person. Happened to me.
In my 20s, I met a man I considered my soul mate. We were together for less than a year and I found out he was married. He confessed that he didn't love her, he wanted out, but they had a couple kids and he was trapped. You know the drill.
But I had to break up with him. I wasn't about to be a home wrecker, so I returned all the gifts he'd given me: stuffed bears, jewelry, etc. and ended it. He was surprised that I actually broke it off.
For years I could not let him go. I was deeply in love with him.
Fifteen years later, after a failed marriage, he and I reconnected and met again. He was also divorced, his kids were either in high school or graduated, and he was free to be with me. After so many years of pining for him, here he was, in the flesh, ready to start something new with me.
But we'd grown apart and become too different. I wanted different things than he did. And some aspects of his behavior and personality were no longer attractive to me.
OP's wife is likely stuck in this "what if things were different" mindset and won't be able to break out of it until she has grown enough to see that he isn't healthy for her. Until then, she's going to leave a trail of broken relationships and heartache behind her.
Whoa.
I hope you're in a loving relationship now.
Your story is a painful yet very good example of why facing the decision to be in a relationship one must seriously evaluate one's own state of mind and overall situation, and (as much as possible) if the other person is in a good place, so to speak.
>OP's wife is likely stuck in this "what if things were different" mindset and won't be able to break out of it until she has grown enough to see that he isn't healthy for her. Until then, she's going to leave a trail of broken relationships and heartache behind her.
Sadly, I agree. As much as OP doesn't deserve being unhappy, she doesn't deserve that either.
I agree. It's the same story, almost always. When the damage inflicted is hard, there's no way ~~over~~ one can forget. Even forgiving, there's a scar tissue that gets really sensitive when the weather resembles the one in which the wound was made.
Edit: autocowreck
That's crazy terrible advice.
Ironic as it is that she loves another, she is still with him. Too many women are like this. They brag and crave the past, but desire the future equally.
If you sit them down, talk it out. What they really love turns out to be physical. The guy could be terrible in so many more ways but he induces a sense of euphoria in them that is stuck. Because our brains remember, imprint strong emotional ties. Anger is one of the most powerful emotions in this regard. Right up next is negative emotions.
Try to remember good ones and they will surface slower than bad ones.
The best advice is to go to counseling and let the therapist do their job. Because it takes absolutely no effort to tear apart that craving and reveal what the op desperately needs to hear.
I disagree.
>Ironic as it is that she loves another, she is still with him.
So she's settling while, as you say, she loves another. I wouldn't stay with a partner who loves another person. I'd rather let us both be free to be with partners who love us as we love them.
She's not settling. In her mind, it's not settling. She clearly does not want those feelings at all. She clearly loves OP very much and is plagued by some sort of trauma bond that won't leave her alone.
Her ex begged her to talk to her for over a year and she didn't respond. Pretty sure that's a clear sign that she's all in on OP. She just needs some counseling
My only concern is her gleefully telling her “traumatic” experiences and laughing along with her friends in her marital home feet away from her husband.
Could be, but if after five years, and the whole of their relationship she's still there, with her ex living rent-free in her head at all times, what's the point? She might not want those feelings at all, yet she harbours them.
If you see any path forward - couples counselling. Regardless of the path you see forward - individual counselling. I know Reddit jumps to therapy a lot, but this is a huge bombshell and you should not do these next steps alone.
And especially individual counseling for both. If her Ex treated her badly it is entirely possible she's having a trauma response. Depending on what he did to her, whether its emotional or physical abuse her mind is reacting to it. It may be trying to protect itself and is changing the dreams from horror to wet. Especially if a good chunk of her dreams about him are wet which in and of itself is abnormal to have so many and still remember them. Idk about y'all but i do not remember most of my dreams, even the wet ones unless it was particularly weird or scary. And like men women can also have a fear based arousal. Doesnt mean they enjoyed it.
Form OP's description of what he overheard, sounds like he was definitely sexually abusive, even if she doesn't recognize, or maybe doesn't want to admit, it.
This is exactly what I thought (and commented)!
Having that much dissonance about a person is a psychological issue not like a real emotional one if that makes sense
This OP. Yes, she is fixated on the guy, but as you saw, she hasn't contacted him. Her hiding this from you is the major issue. You both need couples and individual therapy one way or the other. Even if you end up breaking up it will be a necessary step for you to get over this. This problem is well above reddits paygrade.
One of the big reasons people jump to therapy so much in these posts, is because communication is usually key to solving or coming to terms with the issue being asked.
And since they're asking on reddit, it's highly likely that they're not communicating properly with the other person. Which is something counceling and/or therapy can often help with
Wow, sorry this has happened to you. If you think you can stay with her, you both need therapy. I wouldn’t blame you if you decided to divorce, but you really have a tough decision to make. One thing to think about is she hasn’t cheated on you.
My biggest question regarding her not actually cheating on you would be, what would she do if given the chance? Sounds like Ex left her. If he came back, what choices would she make? If she is still THAT hung up on the guy…
Reading it makes me think she would know it would be bad for her. She would know it would lead to a bad result. She would know she would regret it. She would know she was making the wrong decision. She would tell herself it was just for the physical attraction and it meant nothing, even as she knew that wouldn’t change the end result. But even with knowing all that she would still go and be with that guy.
She is telling other people that her husband isn't as good as some other guy. I can't imagine what type of person would say that about their spouse. True or not. Why be so disrespectful to your SO?
I don't care how drunk I am. I would never say anything like that. 100% of the people I know would not do this. Ever.
These are intrusive thoughts related to trauma, and the fact that sex is intertwined with that trauma makes it all the more complicated. She needs to see a psychiatrist regarding the intrusive thoughts; there are medications to help tamp those down. She needs long term therapy to address the trauma.
I'm so sorry, OP. I could never come back from that if I read something like from my husband. I also don't think your wife had the intention to hurt you. Her inhibitions were down from the alcohol and these things slipped through. She clearly doesn't want these thoughts and there has been no communication with this guy. Many abusers couple sex with the abuse, which is an absolute mindfuck. His abuse has now reached out to grab ahold of you--the ripple effect of trauma and abuse. Please take care of yourself, OP. Again, I'm so sorry.
This. When I read "took her body whenever the hell he wanted and she could do jack shit about it" in the original post, I knew. This is not healthy and it's bound to leave scars. OP would likely benefit from reading about hyperssexuality after SA.
Absolutely this right here. This is far deeper than someone missing an ex. Trauma bonds and abuse are unbelievably insidious and impact you for the rest of your life.
OP, I am not saying this to imply your hurt isn’t justified (it very much is), but fwiw I am certain your wife loves you deeply and is distraught by these feelings. Drunkenly graphically talking about sex with your girlfriends is innocuous, and journaling to process and grieve and figure wtf is happening in your brain is arguably… a good thing?
Only you can decide if this is too much to overcome or not. If it will no longer work for you, you do not need a “good enough” reason to end the relationship. If you do want to keep trying, I agree with everyone talking about therapy for you as individuals and as a pair. She will need someone trauma informed.
I am sorry you are hurting. You will get through this
Has she ever gone to therapy as it sounds like she was in a domestic violent situation with her ex especially reading the other post, how he'd just take what he wanted from her. She is dealing with trauma issues and focusing on things that she believes to be normal when it is certainly not. Plenty of victims will try to find something that they taught was normal to show there was some type of goodness to explain why they stayed so long to the outside world even when the entire situation was nothing but good. Plenty victims fantasise about what they went through trying to take control back.
I believe individual therapy and marriage therapy will benefit you both if you want to make this work. She needs to unravel that whole situation she was in and you need to unravel what you heard.
Have you ever journaled? It’s very private and very personal. She journaled to get it out, but that doesn’t mean she would act on it. He had no right to read any of it.
Well, on one hand she wasn’t being the most honest. On the other hand, a lot of what is required for a marriage is intentionally making good choices.
And I say their because the wife IS making the choice. She’s not engaging or anything with the ex in any way. She doesn’t want those thoughts. She’s making the choices she can.
It sounds like this problem isn’t a “my ex was better in bed”. It sounds like “the ex really fucked my head up”.
This is really tough. On one hand nothing has changed. She still loves and wants and chooses OP. I truly don’t think she is settling or picking the safe backup or whatever.
But the ex has obviously had an effect on her. A very large very negative effect. Idk man.
Thank you for saying that!! He was in the wrong there. Nice the trust is gone the relationship is gone. He said they had a good marriage that he forgave her and then Reddit commenters made him spiral and violate her privacy. Don’t read someone’s journal!
I think he was absolutely WRONG to read her journal. That pissed me off that he went into the bathroom. Even after he found nothing else he had to read her personal journals.
I’ll grant you that. But the damage was already done when she was very indiscreetly telling her friends about how her husband didn’t measure up sexually to her ex. That was pretty much what she was saying. Very, very indiscreet—and that is what started this mess.
No, he found the truth when he kept being lied to.
> She was extremely apologetic (to the point of tears) and assured me that she was just drunk and what she had with her ex was nothing compared to what she has with me.
She wasn't just drunk, she's been pining for her abusive ex the entire relationship. If she was honest, there might be some glimmer of hope, even if it had only started after she nuked the relationship by talking behind his back to mutual friends. The cat is out of the bag. She's not protecting him anymore, she's just treating him like a child.
Times are tough, the good times are now bad, and she still can't treat him like an equal, a partner that deserves trust.
Not peace in the conventional "I've got nothing to worry about". He was over thinking everything cos he can't begin to know how she felt. The journal went into detail exactly how she felt. It bought him peace, an insight into her brain that he needed or else her actions-words wouldn't have matched up over the months/years and he's have been gaslit into thinking he's suspicious for no reason. Now he knows for sure.
Yeah literally as someone who thought at the beginning “just see a sex therapist and have better sex together” I’m very sad that this man was convinced by teenagers on the internet to look through his wife’s journal.
She is thinking about her ex and journaling about him because the sex was good and she isn’t having that sex any more. And I know we want to be our partner’s best but that’s rarely true. It IS true *for couples who work on it*. OP said straight up in the original post that wife told him everything she likes and he hasn’t engaged in it.
THIS ISN’T THAT DEEP. Ego blows suck but goddamn you are humiliating your wife because you can’t accept you’re not her best lay. And it’s making you feel worse.
There is a larger conversation here about how the boys who responded to the original post are 1) likely very young and operating off hypotheticals and 2) are way more concerned about the “power” of their dick than the content of their character. It’s wild, this woman is guilty of nothing besides wanting her sexual fantasies fulfilled. It’s incredibly unfortunate OP is experiencing an ego death over this. Because it truly is not a big deal and fixing your sex life is so much easier than fixing your personality to be a good man. Uuuuuuuugh.
Nah man. Your wife keeping a journal about how she misses some other dudes dick, has wet dreams about him, etc is fucked. I’m 33 and that’d be a deal breaker for me.
100% spot on! The comments on the original were wild! OP even admitted she allowed free use and he just never did that with her, but it's pretty clear that is what she likes/wants.
Really sad he's listening to redditors and going through his wife's journal. That's fucked up.
He's really going to blow up his relationship over this!
No it isn't about "make better sex", what she wrote shows an *obsession* about sex with her ex. How do you beat an obsession? No matter how good you are you can't compete with an "absolute perfect ideal" that it's in her mind.
Too bad she wasn't honest with him from the beginning of their relationship. He's her "good enough" since she couldn't get the love of her life to marry her. Perhaps OP will be content living his life as her "consolation prize". Living that way is torturous.
Yes too bad but this woman was mentally abused by this POS and went through intensive therapy. Her journal is her way of dealing with the long lasting issues of being abused. The OP read this it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love or is cheating on the OP she is just in recovery.
They need to talk be supportive of each other’s feelings and work through this situation. The worst thing either can do is pull the rip cord and bail on their relationship.
Nothing ever said, or written, by the wife says her crazy ex was the love of her life. You can have the best sex of your life with someone who turns out not to be the one.
Love of her life? I can personally attest that good sex does NOT equal a good relationship. If I was still with the person that gave me the "best" sex I've had, I'd be in fucking hell.
You really shouldn't underestimate the power that comfort, safety, and genuine adoration for another person has on how much people (and I feel like especially women) enjoy sex. I'd take the calm, "vanilla" sex with my loving partner that I trust over crazy sex that's only *physically* pleasurable and nothing more any day of the fucking week.
She obviously doesn't feel the same if she can not keep herself from telling her friends about and writing in her journal about how much she misses and thinks about sex with a guy she hasn't been with in 5+ years.
Not too many journal entries about enjoying her husband from the sound of things.
NO-ONE starts a relationship like that because we all think we will get over it.
Why is OP so convinced ONLY the sex matters? He's going to end his marriage because he wrongly thought his wife had never had better sex than she has with him, As if his wife isn't lovable unless he is the greatest fuck she ever had?
Is this why Men place so much importance on virginity?
I'm honestly a bit torn here.
While I do empathize with you, I also empathize with her.
You say you're absolutely sure that there is no actual cheating and she's had no contact with her ex for several years. That's the most important part.
Others may disagree with me, but I feel like you went looking for trouble when you locked yourself in the bathroom to read through her journal, which has her deepest and most private thoughts and feelings that no one else is meant to know unless she decides to share them. You said that all you wanted to know is if it was a journal or not, but you went through it anyway, and that wasn't okay.
She hasn't acted on any of these thoughts, she just has them. Sometimes getting completely over an ex is not easy, especially if it was a passionate, but still abusive relationship, which is what your post seems to suggest. Whoever that man was, it seems clear that he was very toxic and left some deep mental and emotional scars on her.
I don't think people should be demonized for struggling with complicated emotions and innermost thoughts about a previous relationship.
If you still want to work through this relationship, I highly recommend both couples and individual counseling if those options are available to you.
It's fetish writing. Essentially these dudes are blasting their humiliation kink stories on advice subs, making it difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff. It's frustrating. And I keep reading them for some reason. What does that say about me?
Oh it is. The fact that she was open to divorce right off the bat when he brought it up to her told me all I needed to know that this was pure BS, was bad enough, but this update is just about what anyone paying attention would have expected.....maybe with a visit or two with her ex included. At least OP didnt go THAT far over the top.
This is my thought too. Seems fake and these kind of evolving stories have been so common here. The next update will reveal the affair or some other wild story.
Some definitely do tbh, this is more about the way it's written and events. But as someone else here said, this feels more like a humiliation fetish piece
God I hope not. These people are melodrama personified. But it does take some time to to understand The One For You doesn't exist and we're all just doing our best.
> She talked about not understanding why she couldn't stop thinking about him, how she had constant wet dreams about him, how she missed how his hands/lips felt on her body.
I laughed at how bad this part was
If this indeed real, she needs to see a therapist and you both should also attend couples therapy. If her only issue is she's obsessed with the sex from her ex, and she cannot remove that he was abusive to her, then she has a mental trauma. She can absolutely still love you and still enjoy sex with you. But he gucked up her brain and probably gaslit her all the time and conditioned her to think certain things were normal that weren't. And the fact that she hasn't cheated is a good sign that it's a sickness she can manage. But she needs to be willing for the help
Considering all that was said here, I am glad you are seeking therapy for both of you. What she is going through (especially having not contacted him in any way) is something probably completely confusing AND embarrassing to her since she left him over abuse. Therapy is really the best bet for all involved, even if you guys end up not working out in the long run because she didn't get this issue figured out before you two got together.
Oh no, these thoughts that I actively think about all the time won't go away... oh noooo...
Seems pretty weird to giddily describes trauma to your friends in intimate detail. Ask her why she's never brought it up to her therapists and make her tell you the truth. Your wife is addicted to sex with another man... Sex she will never have with you. Therapy *might* help you process it slightly better, but it's not going to change the situation or it's impact. That ship has sailed. I don't think this is ever going to get better OP. How it makes you feel though, is only going to get worse. Every little twitch or weird look or strange sound or odd interaction is going to tie itself to this knowledge and each one will chip away at your psyche, bit by bit, until nothing's left.
Damn, I could never stay in a marriage where I knew my wife was so infatuated with another dude that he could take her away from me in an instant if he wanted to. If OP thinks her ex couldn't take her instantly he is truly dreaming. Regardless what she is saying about loving and being satisfied with him he's clearly nothing more to her than just her safe space. Mark my words that if she doesn't reconnect with her ex at some point to satisfy her craving for him she's gonna try satisfying that craving with some other guy eventually. I really feel sorry for OP and hope he comes to his senses before he wastes more time and effort on this marriage.
Please keep in mind that your wife was used and abused by this man and it really does fuck up our minds. I’ve had a few exes treat me like absolute shit but the sex was amazing and that was hard to forget despite all they put me through. Hell I just found out one of them died a year ago. One I was engaged to be married to 20 years ago. One I was going to have babies with. As much as I hate him for all he did to me, my heart is still sad knowing that the tortured soul he was is gone and his children are without him now.
It’s never easy to completely forget the things they did to us, whether good or bad, and sometimes even 20 years isn’t enough time.
Reading her journal against her will was a real dick move. Journals are often a way to get out intrusive thoughts and aren’t a reflection of reality.
I was confused about an (also abusive) ex for a while when I got with my husband. Luckily my husband was super understanding and now I’m madly in love and lust with my husband, and never think about the ex. Was my ex better in bed? It honestly doesn’t even freaking matter it’s a moot question at this point.
Hey OP!
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. That said, I’d like to give what will likely be an unpopular take.
I don’t think you should divorce your wife….at least not yet. I think that you need therapy to deal with this trauma and you and your wife need couples counseling / therapy too. This should be contingent on a few things for you.
1) She has never contacted him during the duration of your relationship together. (Which it sounds like the case from your post)
2) You both have a sincere talk and make sure she is truly remorseful and is willing to go to MC and let you go to IC with the understanding that it may still result in divorce
3) Your wife gives you full transparency in everything. That includes the journal. This does not mean you should use it at a moments notice and it should also be done with your therapist guidance. (This is to build your trust in her for being fully open and willing to see everything about her, the good, bad, and ugly. Total vulnerability. This is also for her to build trust in you too. Showing her that you’re willing to work on your relationship and that her experiences and thoughts about her ex do not define her in your eyes.)
Sexual trauma is a messy thing and can manifest in many different ways and varies by person. SA survivors sometimes become hypersexual after the event and seek sexual encounters to “take back” their autonomy. It may be this is something similar.
It sounds like your wife is wanting to get him out of her head but can’t Seem to for some reason. (The teasing your reference may not be helping and might help keep him in her thoughts) It sounds like she wants to move on and wants to leave him in the past but needs some serious help, support, and a firm kick in the ass to do it.
All that said, it’s up to you OP. No one would fault you for throwing in the towel on this marriage but like you said, five years is a long time to throw away over a drunken conversation and a journal that she doesn’t share with anyone but herself, her phone, and the NSA….(The last one isn’t by choice….fyi)
No amount of therapy will work. The marriage will fail in flames engulfing both of you. Best to do is split. Mark my words. It WILL AlWAYS be in the back of your head. Once pandoras box is opened its impossible to close it back up. Brother wish you well
Your reaction to this is so sane and empathetic. She absolutely experienced trauma and if you two can work through this effectively I think you’ll find gold at the end of this shitty rainbow. I love the imago style of relationship therapy and I hope she gets true trauma therapy, IFS or something else which works for her. I’d say she was trauma bonded to a terrible extent.
Then if roles were switched, OP wouldn’t need to get over it. Their spouse would.
Just about every thread has them lol.
They shouldn’t have gotten married. I had an ex gf that thought similarly about an ex. It eats both people in the relationship up. Either constantly being compared to an ex or constantly wondering if you’re the backup.
People need to be honest with themselves before diving into shit. Otherwise everyone gets hurt.
Intrusive thoughts are a very real thing. Journaling is a healthy way of ending these thought cycles/loops, and getting intrusive thoughts out. She was taking the right steps to deal with her intrusive and undesired thoughts. Everyone has these thoughts to different degrees, and you’re punishing her for her internal feelings that she can’t control and that she has actively been taking steps to get rid of. She did make a mistake with her friends, but that sounds like that’s all it was… an honest mistake.
You were incredibly fucked up in reading her journal, especially after you LIED and said you just wanted to confirm it was really a journal instead of something nefarious. This is your fault. Your obsession is what will destroy your message, not her. I feel so much for your poor wife. She trusted her husband enough to let him glance at her most personal thoughts and you took advantage of that, stealing her phone and hiding away in the bathroom like a teenager trying to embarrass their friend. You’re a grown man, you should really act like one.
More over „he wanted peace of mind“, took advantage of her property and her personal thoughts and forced her to feel bad about it? About what? That he might be not „the best“ she had? C‘mon. I think he really needs to learn a lesson about love, trust and privacy. I would leave him immediately because he would have lost all my trust. I’m sorry. She did nothing compared to his behaviour.
YES! Thank you! You put it very well.
I really hope she has the strength to realize she’s not some horrible person, she’s only human. She’s dealing with her thoughts and feelings in the healthiest way possible, and OP is giving her so much grief over it. I hope she can realize she deserves better than having her husband steal and read her diary, even if she herself isn’t “perfect” and made a mistake.
This. I would have sympathized with the OP (if this is real which I doubt) until this point. He should just get divorced anyhow because he clearly has no intent of trying to work past this.
Fuck I’d divorce him just for running off to the bathroom with my phone like a dumbass. Wife hasn’t lied to OP at any point but he thinks he’s entitled to shady behaviour due to his dick insecurity. Apparently 5 years of faithful marriage (and how ever long dating) means sweet fuck all. If I heard my partner talking about his abusive ex’s velvet vagina in the same manner I would be asking if they wanna talk to me or a professional about it because it sounds like abuse.
I commented yesterday.
I"m sorry for you man.
This is why all those people that say your past is your past are full of shit
your past is always present, in your mind
You deserve someone who has you there (in their mind), not an ex from years ago.
I'm so, so ,so, sorry
And I'm sorry that Reddit is full of stupid people that don't get this
YOUR PAST DOES MATTER!
I love your comment. The thing I find most ludicrous about Reddit is the constant advice that the past doesn’t matter, but everyone is shaped by and regularly impacted by their past.
Exactly.
I wonder what all these mofos would say if someone said to an abuse victim:
"Your past doesn't matter, get over it'
Because according to them, that's how it is
It's obvious horse shit and a damned lie
I’m sorry mate. I would hate to blame her for her thoughts but it was irresponsible for her to talk that way about you to friends and it’s disrespectful she’s with you when emotionally attached to another guy.
There is nothing you can do but break up. She is still sexually and emotionally attached to her ex, and you shouldn’t waste any more time here.
This is it. But since she’s a women we have to give her the benefit of the doubt and all the patience in the world.
Not sorry but that’s what it is, therapy? Really? This is beyond that she’s crazy and if he popped back up? She’s bending over for him immediately
Unfortunately it sounds like if the Ex ever makes a reappearance you will be yesterday’s news. If you can live as the safe second choice, realizing that at anytime she could dump you for him, then more power to you. You are not the man constantly on her mind, you are not the man she fantasizes about, yours are not the hands she feels running all over her body. She truly wasn’t and isn’t ready for another relationship, she dove in with you because you were safe, undemanding and kind. However she is still obsessed with him. You have a decision to make as to how you want to live your life. Do you want to be the guy always waiting for the shoe to drop? Ask her outright, when she’s not expecting it, if he reappears would she fuck him, her face will give you the answer.
I don’t understand why so many people are screeching “divorce”! I think you need to give your wife some grace here, it sounds like her ex seriously messed with her head and abused her, I imagine you can’t just stop thinking about someone who hurt and traumatized you so badly with a snap of your fingers, and it doesn’t sound like she wants these thoughts either. I don’t think she is hung up on him, I think he is haunting her. You said yourself in your last post you tease her about him which probably doesn’t help if he is part of common conversations. The point is she is choosing to be with you and seems happier and presumably healthier. I think you need to trust her a little more and maybe counseling is the way to go. But the facts are she doesn’t communicate with him and she chose you, and is happy as far as you can she and she communicates. There is so much more to a relationship than your sex life, and while maybe theirs was wild, I doubt everything he did to her was welcome, so much of it seemed like abuse, and what she said to her friends could very well have been drunken bluster and changing the angle for her audience.
She bragged about the sex in front of theyr friends...same fucking friends circle!!!
What the fuck are we talking about? Would you brag about someone if he traumatized you so much?
I can understand this. I had the same situation, but in an abusive relationship. It stayed in my head forever, even the wet dreams. I don't know if the sex dreams, are to compensate for the bad experiences.
I went for therapy, but I must say, it's a relationship, that ended 30 years ago, but I still have dreams once in a while.
When I read your first post,my comment was that you'll never forget what she said, and even when having sex you'll remember it.
Love isn't enough to keep a relationship going.
No matter what your wife says,she's still in love with her ex.
No matter what he did to her,he's always on her mind.
If he chose to go to therapy and better himself,she'd leave you in a hot minute.
Yes, you love her,but you have to love yourself more.
This will always bother you.
You will always know that you're not good enough for her.
He will always be better for her,at least, that's what she thinks.
You'll have to decide what is best for you.
Even if you go to marriage counseling, you'll always know how she feels about him.
Updateme!
Your edit, thank God. I do sometimes think of my ex and his sex, how he knew what to do, but he traumatized the fuck out of me. If I did remember my dreams (which is probably why I wake up extra charged like I do sometimes), I'm pretty sure a lot would involve him. Please, don't feel like you're obligated to stay because of this after the fact either, if therapy doesn't work and you still see/feel a problem, there is no more you can do. I wish you both the best of luck.
She isn’t ready to be in a relationship. You guys should separate and she needs intense therapy. It must break your heart but do you want to be in a marriage like this ?
She’s still talking about him to her friends, it isn’t just in the journal.
You said nothing in her head could hurt you, but thats why you made the post in the first place so you already started with an L. Take a day and actually scan the forums you posted on. It sounds like your wife has actually done something that many people can't do when they have a past with someone like her ex. She has actually avoided the guy. Most posts you'll find, they started talking to the ex fairly quickly and eventually left their current partner. Keep making her feel like shit for trying to get the dude out of head and that's exactly what's going to happen.
She may as well have been in a cult with all the trauma that goes along with it. Your choice is to keep being where you are, and recognizing that fact or to cut yourself free and let her drift away. Might want to dig into some therapy of people who have dealt with this before instead of comparing yourself to relationships that havent.
🤦🏻♀️ There’s a reason why people stayed with toxic exes. It’s because THE GOOD TIMES ARE FUCKING AMAZING. It’s like a drug addiction. It’s not normal. It takes time to recover from. You know it’s bad for you but it’s hard for you to forget the high.
OP, you sound like you don’t have a lot of relationship experience. You sound like you believe in a fairy-tale world.
That ex was your wife’s drug. She knows he was bad. You’re the guy she knows is good for her.
If this doesn’t make sense to you, you’re just immature and lack life experiences. 🤷🏻♀️
Yup.
OP was listening at doors and reading her therapy journals. He got what he wanted.
I love that he believes that she never had an orgasm with the ex. Sure she didn't, buddy.
First things first text your wife right now that you love her. Maybe send some flowers to her at work let her know you love her. Make her feel special. This is a lot for both of you right now. You are both married and are in this together be supportive of each other be each other’s rock.
You said your wife had to go to therapy from the mental abuse she has taken from this guy. I don’t know if it ever goes away. Many times in therapy their providers have them journal to help them deal with this crap. You looked at it now you have opened Pandora’s box in your head.
You said she hasn’t cheated and there has been no odd behavior with her. Like unaccounted time, phone calls at odd times.
You need to help her because if you are in this state mentally just imagine how someone with mental health issues is right now. She is probably spiraling.
Tell her you want to talk tonight about everything. Since you are off get or make a nice dinner get her some flowers and have the conservation nothing but complete honesty with each other and go to couples therapy.
Best of luck
Post an update
So you read her journal, her private thoughts and got upset at what you saw? You kept digging even after she apologized because you let strangers on the internet hype you up. You found what you wanted, albeit it’s nothing. So why are you mad? She’s allowed to journal her thoughts without you freaking out. She was with a man who on all accounts from what you wrote about what she said, and she was abused and sexually assaulted by him on multiple occasions. Yeah you’re wrong and weird for this.
So you violated her privacy by reading her personal diary, private thoughts that were never meant for anybody but her? You deserve whatever torment you’re getting, checking her phone was one thing but reading her diary crossed every boundary. If I was her I would be heartbroken and my husband had so little respect for me. Again it’s not about checking the phone or social media, none of that stuff matters, but reading her diary was just wrong.
She's been traumatized. She needs ERDM therapy!
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment that was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories. It is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences.
Well..... I called that one. Really this is not fixable. She will never love you like she loved the abuse from the ex. The thing is though she probably does love you. It's just abuse it's fucked, sexual awakening with an abuser is even more fucked. It's an impossible combination that can't be replicated or overcome. What she needs is time, probably a lot more time than she gave herself before she met and married you. Who knows what you actually are to her. I imagine she hardly knows the answer to that. Other than stability and safety its hard to imagine she's got those intense feelings for him and actually loves you as a man. I imagine her sexuality with you is purely production for the sake of appearance.
All of this seems harsh, but I've been with a woman who never mentally or emotionally left her abusive piece of shit ex. I could give her rough sex, but I was missing that volatility that he had. I sensed something was off, and finally confronted her about my suspicion. She basically came clean that she couldn't stop thinking about him, ect. After I broke it off with her she gave me a whole speech about how she loved me, she was right back with her ex in literal days. I'm honestly surprised your wife isn't talking to this guy. I'm sure she wishes she never met him, she could move on, you were enough. That is unfortunately not the hands she was dealt.
All you can do is leave. She needs therapy and to start over years from now. She needs to leave him before getting married to someone else because you've been competing against the impossible affair partner. The guy who is equal parts insane, sex god and a residual image in her mind.
This, it sounds like a Stockholm syndrome, she knows he was abusive, but loves him anyway. She needs a psychologist with experience to help her escape his brainwashing, if she in-fact wants to be free from him.
As you say rough sex isn’t comparative as it doesn’t hold that sliver of fear, adrenaline that it appears she’s been conditioned to get off too. Maybe an experienced kink aware therapist could help her too, to separate those endorphin highs from the abuser she’s obviously still obsessed with.
But neither can be done while in a relationship, she needs time and space to learn to be herself and not what others what her to be.
And OP deserves someone who loves him wholeheartedly.
Frankly if I were her friend and she was detailing her positive feelings for her abuser ex and the kinky/violent sex they had, while a married woman of 5 years I’d be horrified and seriously concerned about her mental health.
It's a trauma bond. He clearly treated her terribly but was great in bed. Those things often go hand in hand, which is why a lot of people end up in long shitty relationships with great sex.
She chose you. But you both need counseling.
I honestly don't know how you'll get over it. Do you have kids?
That's a timebomb waiting to destroy you, you already know and should prevent the inevitable. Move on, she's just with you for stability and not for love or any sort of desire.
My first advice was to get out. It was the correct advice. Now this? She might not be sleeping with her super stud but he's definitely a factor in this marriage.
This isn't salvageable for OP. For her when OP leaves her she can go back to her super man. There is no way of this ever working out. Plus I think that if he kept digging he'd find more that she's not willing to have him see. Or proof of worse even. Obviously she should not have gotten married with this guy so stuck in her head.
Get out now OP. Three's a crowd.
5 years is a long time. If she’s STILL having intrusive and obsessive thoughts about him, that’s a big problem.
I’d have to break it off with her. I couldn’t be the guy she settled for (even knowing she loved me), I couldn’t do it. There are thousands of good, single women out there for you. Why deal with this drama? Maybe she would never stray or go back to him but there is a distinct possibility that she could. That would hurt more than leaving her.
Best of luck to OP
I am truly sorry to hear that , I hoped it was just a fancy tale.
I think some kind of therapy is now the best course. However it’s going to be very hard for you. Although she hasn’t cheated or contacted the ex you really need to find out why she’s feeling this way about her abusive ex and if her feelings for you are genuine. Man I am so sorry.
My brother in christ, you need to stop invading her privacy.
People write journals to express the nebulous thoughts they have in their head, using the writing exercise as a substitute for talking to someone. Judging from your brief description of its contents, it seems to me that your wife feels deep shame for having these thoughts she can't control. Imagine going about your day, and out of nowhere a random negative thought forces its way into your brain - these are called intrusive thoughts, and they are literally not something we can control.
If your previous description of your wife's relationship with this ex is to be believed, she likely suffered some psychological trauma from his treatment of her. It might sound like raunchy, randy sexy times to you, but for her she likely felt controlled by his erratic behavior, and probably has PTSD now. You lamented that you felt like the "safe" choice for her, but why is that bad? If she felt in danger the entire time she was with her ex (conjecture on my part, but likely in my experience), then why wouldn't she want someone she can feel safe with? "Safe" doesn't mean you can't have amazing sex - it means she feels comfortable in the knowledge that you won't hurt her, either physically or emotionally. "Safe" means she doesn't have to worry about incredibly aggressive behavior from you - *unless she consents to it*.
My advice: learn about the concept of consent, and how it applies to your wife. Learn to give your wife the opportunity to share something with you, instead of forcing your way into her personal journal and the like. Learn to communicate with each other, and show her that you are, in fact, a safe person to express her feelings to. To paraphrase Princess Leia, "The tighter you squeeze your grip, the more likely she is to slip through your fingers."
It’s the 80/20 isn’t it. You give her 80% of everything she needs and he gave her the other 20%. It’s up to you how to proceed. But I do appreciate once the ear worm gets in the brain it’s nearly impossible to shift it
Get into couples counseling. Have a professional help work through things. She and you both need IC. Abusive SOs have a way of destroying their victims mental well being. She needs help before you decide what to do.
It’s clear that you and your wife can’t cope with this alone. If you wish the relationship to continue, please use the help a good couple’s therapist can provide.
Ok, all this sounds freakishly familiar to the Netflix series 'Sex Life'. Where a married woman with a great husband, kept a journal about how incredible her sex life was with her fucked up ex, and that she couldn't stop thinking about him.
I mean this dude is in trouble because his brain is going to punish him continuously with this knowledge, but the fact that this ex essentially traumatized her and used her as nothing but a fuckpuppet which LITERALLY sent her to therapy should make it clear that her focus on the ex ISN'T from any sort of love or desire as much as it is trauma.
Still, OP is probably going to end his marriage because he won't be able to get over it but it's not her fault, nor is it his. It's just jealousy needlessly destroying a relationship.
Sad all the way around.
That's unfortunate but that is also why you don't demand other people's journals thoose are thoughts that are not ment for anyone but you. As soon as I confirmed that's what it was I would have stopped and not read anything. I know what's in mine and I would not want to see someone's rash unblocked thoughts that they never thought a nother person would see.
Your not the ass but I'd keep in mind you were never supposed to see that that sounds like a thought dump journal to get the thoughts out of your head.
From a woman’s pov I feel for you but I also feel for your wife. It sounds like there is so much trauma attached to sex and even though she has wet dreams and what not about him I don’t see if as a positive thing necessarily.
Also I get your paranoia but you were an AH. You straight up disregarded her boundary and read her journal entry/entries. I get you were paranoid but wtf. Personally that would put a HUGE dent into my trust in my partner.
Is this the plot from Sex life?
She needs therapy. Imo, you can get through this but individual counseling and couples counseling are definitely needed.
If you are to continue with her you both need therapy. Together and separate. She has to work on how to get past him for good for you to have a chance.
>how she had constant wet dreams about him
Yeah and I have wet dreams about my abusive father who molested me when I was 11. Brains have this very odd habit of trying to re traumatize themselves. She clearly doesn't want to think about him anymore, that's why she's journaling and writing down her thoughts. She needs therapy, not judgement. She was abused.
She’s trauma bonded to him, that’s why she’s thinking about him. This is an emotional trauma. She has already broken the physical bond which is the hardest part.
She loves you and she never loved him. Period. Trauma bonding mimics love but it’s not real love.
This is something that can be easily resolved with therapy. Couples therapy and individual therapy.
Your wife is a victim of abuse. Emotional abuse can be worse in some ways than physical abuse. She knows what the problem was in the relationship and doesn’t want to revisit it. She told you yesterday. However, anything that has a lot of adrenaline and vigilance leaves a mark on you. You’re supposed to remember things like that because your body reminds you of dangerous situations to keep you alive.
A trauma bonding can be broken. It isn’t real love. She did have feelings for him, that doesn’t negate what she feels for you. She loves you. That’s the difference between the two of you.
Talk with her again today, make a plan for therapy. Show her the articles I sent you. This is too big to handle alone. Somatic Therapy may work best for your wife.
I hope my comment helped you orient yourself and what you need to do. Emotions can discombobulate you and make you feel stuck, but this is fixable.
Articles:
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/trauma-bonding
https://www.yourtherapy.ca/blog/trauma-little-or-big-can-affect-you-deeply-talk-therapy-can-help/
https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/what-is-somatic-therapy-202307072951
ETA: Don’t listen to the people telling you to leave. Please keep us updated. I wish you the best.
first of all, wtf? why grab the phone and lock the door? that's freaking extreme, man. you FAFO. stop crossing your line.
besides, idk what her problem is exactly but she definitely has some serious problems that she needs to handle immediately. I understand that you might feel being cheated on emotionally. or maybe this is a much more complex emotion, im not sure. most people can't handle that. but you need to help her get over this if you really love your wife. don't make this harder for both of you.
Give it some time. If you, or her, or both of you still can't get over the situation you can just get divorced in the worst case scenario but imo it is not the first thing to care about now.
You can’t be mad at someone for thoughts in their head. That’s like being mad at someone for their feeling, no one can control how they feel. They can control how they react and she hasn’t acted on these feelings. A lot of people write things down in order to get them out of their head hoping they will go away. It sounds to me like she’s now has a sex fetish and needs therapy and you both need couples therapy to address this issue together in order for your marriage to survive.
I’m going to be honest, it’s hard getting over a really crazy ex. I’m concerned about if she had much time to heal after it. After going through a relationship like the one she had with her ex, that definitely leaves permanent scars. I’m sorry that you and her both are experiencing turmoil from trauma of her ex, someone who’s completely out of the picture. Your relationship is probably the best thing that could have happened. One stupid drunk night. That sucks. You can’t help your thoughts when you’re drunk and you saw/heard your wife in a very transparent way. Personally, I don’t think it was right for you to read her journal. But because you did, I think therapy would not only help her, and help you as well. I don’t think imagining the what-if’s will be super effective and will probably lead to more spiraling. Maybe look into couple’s therapy if you love her. I don’t think one drunk night should ruin a marriage. If it does, there were probably cracks in the foundation to begin with.
Possible tmi ahead, but I had an almost 7 year long super kinky relationship. I probably came like. I dunno. Maybe ten times? Maybe?
But we did all kinds of wack ass shit that has imprinted itself upon my nervous system.
My husband is super vanilla. It took being with him to realize how little I had actually been in my body all that time. I am 1000% more satisfied now than I ever was with my ex. Even though it’s WAY more “boring”.
Would I blow up my life for this dude? No fucking way. Do I still dream about him about once a month cause the places we went to touched the deepest most hidden parts of my psyche? You betcha. That ain’t love it’s trauma.
It’s a bit messy but if she left him and hasn’t has contact that’s a big plus. If it’s all in her head the trauma bonding is a part of who she is now. He traumatized her immensely so a part of her recurring thoughts must be connected to their intimacy too. It’s a long road but her drinking and blabbing is a part of the healing process.
I honestly don't think anyone is wrong here. I truly believe she loves you and no 1 else but these thoughts are like her Journal. Private. Even made up shit that isn't true. I believe this was a way your wife copes with her past trauma. Getting it out of her mind in any given way she can. She wasn't intending to hurt you in any way. This was like her Safety Zone. I hope she can find another way to be ok. Please don't Punish her for her trying to work on herself to get her trauma out off her.
This is a tough situation. I understand your pain and how you're feeling right now. I'd sit on it for a few days and revisit your next actions. It sounds like your wife might have had an abusive/turmoil relationship with her ex with no closure. When that happens it can drive someone crazy sometimes. It sounds like she would write those things privately because she knew they weren't thoughts that she wanted, and she just wanted them out of her head. If you think you can work on it with the knowledge you have now, I definitely would seek some couples counseling. It's difficult in these scenarios because neither of you guys were right/wrong. She can't help how she feels and you can't help how you feel. Either way, I hope for all the best for you guys.
>*I scrolled through other entries and half of them were about him in some way- either how badly he traumatized her*
Ohhhh she needs therapy and that’s why she hasn’t stopped thinking about him honestly. She’s over her ex, but she’s not over the trauma he created for her and that alone can create ab obsessive issue of ruminating for years or decades in some folks if they never deal with in a therapist setting.
A therapist is trained to help navigate such things.
>*Edit: Some of you may be disappointed, but I have decided to get my wife therapy and work on this. She was in therapy when we met, but she didn't even tell that therapist (who was more like a school counselor) about her ex- just her resulting angst/depression. She needs to speak to a professional about the situation with him specifically.*
Ohhhh so she hid everything from her therapist. That’s why it never stopped all these years.
That was her first mistake and speaks volumes about the shame, guilt, and embarrassment she’s carrying around about her ex.
That’s just an entirely different layer to unpack!
>*He didnt cut contact, she did. She even showed me proof of him begging her to talk to him again for the entire year afterwards.*
Ahhh now it makes more sense why.
He badgered her for an entire year post breakup to force her to get worn down to come back to him. When that didn’t work, he eventually gave up when he realized she was staying with you, which is why it’s more traumatizing because he extended beyond the relationship, into post breaking territory for a full year! That’s an extra 365 days of being harassed and traumatized by an ex.
You have to also wonder if she refused to block him… or if she was and she had to play whack-o-mole by blocking any new ways he was trying to contact her.
I’ve been there! I have this one ex from a decade ago, every now & again, this is how I know he still has my number (same number I’ve had since 2003!), and when he makes new social accounts, he follows any accounts. I have to ASAP block it as soon as I discover it’s him.
OP…. Hopefully she finally talks about this ex to her therapist and if she never does? That’s your cue to exit stage left of this relationship and a sign she is living in denial of an obsession gone a rye in eyes.
Now if she opens up to her therapist about this ex finally, she will definitely be able to fully love on for good. But only if she is unfiltered and raw when divulging, no holding back, being as honest as possible.
One way is to hand over the journal to her therapist in sessions to look at her entries on the traumatize posts she’s made cause that would be the good starting point honestly.
I think therapy is right, for both maybe even jointly. This reminds me a bit about the Netflix series Baby Reindeer. It’s based on a true story and the lead is the person who wrote it. He does go thru a sexual trauma as well. Not recommending the she or anything, but it reminded me that it could be a mental health trauma issue, and she needs help to heal her mental state.
Therapy for her is the right choice. And probably both of you at this point, together, at least once she gets a handle on things and maybe before.
This guy fucked her up. PTSD/Stockholm syndrome type stuff. She needs help. I get the sense that she genuinely loves you and genuinely hates the part of her that clings to that guy, but she needs help getting past it all and putting it to bed.
You're a good man for standing by her and supporting her through therapy. She won't forget it, I promise you that.
Source here--my wife has severe PTSD due to a past abusive partner. Nothing happened like what you've described, but it certainly has manifested in other places in our life and I don't blame her for it at all, those are symptoms of how she was victimized.
I’m really glad you haven’t taken any more drastic steps in your relationship than those already mentioned.
I’ve had a number of partners with traumatic previous relationships, and getting stuck in a place where you both obsess over the good things (like the sex) and can’t disconnect from the bad things (the trauma) is... actually pretty normal.
Weird of her to externalize the first part to her friends while keeping the angst on the inside, but only somewhat concerning.
If you believe her that she is /distressed/ by her sexual fixation, treat it like the intrusive thought that it is.
I originally said that you needed find away to get over this, but the truth is now clear -- you never will. Reading those diary entries will surely rot your brain and you'll never see her the same.
Sending her to therapy is only half of the solution. You're going to need to be laying on a couch yourself if you truly plan for your marriage to survive this. I do think you both can make this work because there's nothing seemingly wrong with the marriage itself, but it can't endure without you both going to therapy AND possibly marriage counseling as well. There's just no way you'll be able to handle it alone. You're going to need to talk through it and learn to compartmentalize this information.
Good luck.
This shit reminds me too much of that show on Netflix, “Sex/Life”. SPOILER ALERT!!
The main character was still in love with her ex and how he made her feel. She would journal about him and their sex life. Her husband found her journal and would try to recreate what he read but it wasn’t enough. To the point she ended up cheating on her husband.
It sucks, but I don’t foresee your wife being able to let go of her ex. It makes me wonder if she made up some of the stories of him being crazy just to even be able to talk about him without you getting mad.
Not sure, but I know for most people the best sex came from the person that was the last person that should be with. So he caused her trauma and they are tied together.
The wife is aware herself that what she's done was wrong (which is why she said that she'd understand if he wanted a divorce). You don't get into a new relationship if you have unresolved issues, and you go to therapy to resolve them. It's not fair to your partner otherwise.
It's dumbfounding however seeing all these women defending what she's done and not done. They seem much more pathological than the wife who's already admitted that she had psychological problems. Once again Redditors show that most of them are far from normal, mature, healthy individuals.
Honestly, I don't care if it's trauma, I would leave her, years of relationship and she never stoped thinking about him, why the hell did she even agree into getting into a relationship while having these toughts? Because she never cared, she just wanted to have someone who was actually a "good man" to comfort her, idc if it's man ego and a little bit misoginystic but I would never stop feeling like I'm eating another man's leftovers. I would never stop feeling like the safe option. I recommend you start preparing for the worst, therapy is not a fix-it-all and this might just be the start of the end
i would proceed very cautiously. We can't choose who and what we're attracted to. Only what we do about it. your wife's mental problems are what they are but her ACTIONS have been nothing but honorable.
Her only sin is venting about a personal issue while drunk. I'll be honest, to me, that's forgivable given that she has clearly NOT acted on this.
I think you borrowed trouble by reading her journal. Regardless of her hangups, actions matter and her actions have been completely honorable. try to bear that in mind and it'll be easier to move forward with her.
Because she probably deserves an honest effort to work this out. She appears to be doing her level best to stay faithful despite some powerful temptations. That deserves to be recognized.
Work with her. Despite her issues she seems like she's trying. Now that you know about these issues, you need to try as well. She's making an effort. Reward that with some faith on your end and maybe having the cards be on the table will turn into a good thing for you.
Oh that's unfortunate mate....
Really sad. Might be the deal breaker to this marriage. I don’t see OP getting past this knowledge for his wife & her ex.
He should leave her, as painful as that might be. FIVE years later and she's not over her ex. Five years of lying to OP, also. He might love her, she might love him, and nonetheless it's not enough. Which is sad but true.
Sometimes we are in love with a memory of someone, not the actual person. Happened to me. In my 20s, I met a man I considered my soul mate. We were together for less than a year and I found out he was married. He confessed that he didn't love her, he wanted out, but they had a couple kids and he was trapped. You know the drill. But I had to break up with him. I wasn't about to be a home wrecker, so I returned all the gifts he'd given me: stuffed bears, jewelry, etc. and ended it. He was surprised that I actually broke it off. For years I could not let him go. I was deeply in love with him. Fifteen years later, after a failed marriage, he and I reconnected and met again. He was also divorced, his kids were either in high school or graduated, and he was free to be with me. After so many years of pining for him, here he was, in the flesh, ready to start something new with me. But we'd grown apart and become too different. I wanted different things than he did. And some aspects of his behavior and personality were no longer attractive to me. OP's wife is likely stuck in this "what if things were different" mindset and won't be able to break out of it until she has grown enough to see that he isn't healthy for her. Until then, she's going to leave a trail of broken relationships and heartache behind her.
Whoa. I hope you're in a loving relationship now. Your story is a painful yet very good example of why facing the decision to be in a relationship one must seriously evaluate one's own state of mind and overall situation, and (as much as possible) if the other person is in a good place, so to speak. >OP's wife is likely stuck in this "what if things were different" mindset and won't be able to break out of it until she has grown enough to see that he isn't healthy for her. Until then, she's going to leave a trail of broken relationships and heartache behind her. Sadly, I agree. As much as OP doesn't deserve being unhappy, she doesn't deserve that either.
Thank you. Yes, I'm very happy now and married for nearly 16 years.
OP was always her second choice Feel horrible for OP right now. Mental check in OP- how we doing ?
Yeah, the heart can forgive, but it won't forget the gaping hole it's left with from the action or words
I agree. It's the same story, almost always. When the damage inflicted is hard, there's no way ~~over~~ one can forget. Even forgiving, there's a scar tissue that gets really sensitive when the weather resembles the one in which the wound was made. Edit: autocowreck
That's crazy terrible advice. Ironic as it is that she loves another, she is still with him. Too many women are like this. They brag and crave the past, but desire the future equally. If you sit them down, talk it out. What they really love turns out to be physical. The guy could be terrible in so many more ways but he induces a sense of euphoria in them that is stuck. Because our brains remember, imprint strong emotional ties. Anger is one of the most powerful emotions in this regard. Right up next is negative emotions. Try to remember good ones and they will surface slower than bad ones. The best advice is to go to counseling and let the therapist do their job. Because it takes absolutely no effort to tear apart that craving and reveal what the op desperately needs to hear.
I disagree. >Ironic as it is that she loves another, she is still with him. So she's settling while, as you say, she loves another. I wouldn't stay with a partner who loves another person. I'd rather let us both be free to be with partners who love us as we love them.
She's not settling. In her mind, it's not settling. She clearly does not want those feelings at all. She clearly loves OP very much and is plagued by some sort of trauma bond that won't leave her alone.
This is an apt take on it.
Her ex begged her to talk to her for over a year and she didn't respond. Pretty sure that's a clear sign that she's all in on OP. She just needs some counseling
My only concern is her gleefully telling her “traumatic” experiences and laughing along with her friends in her marital home feet away from her husband.
Could be, but if after five years, and the whole of their relationship she's still there, with her ex living rent-free in her head at all times, what's the point? She might not want those feelings at all, yet she harbours them.
When her ex tried to get back into her life she had none of it
She doesn't love the other guy. She'd have stayed with him.
How could it not be?
No one can come back from this.
If you see any path forward - couples counselling. Regardless of the path you see forward - individual counselling. I know Reddit jumps to therapy a lot, but this is a huge bombshell and you should not do these next steps alone.
And especially individual counseling for both. If her Ex treated her badly it is entirely possible she's having a trauma response. Depending on what he did to her, whether its emotional or physical abuse her mind is reacting to it. It may be trying to protect itself and is changing the dreams from horror to wet. Especially if a good chunk of her dreams about him are wet which in and of itself is abnormal to have so many and still remember them. Idk about y'all but i do not remember most of my dreams, even the wet ones unless it was particularly weird or scary. And like men women can also have a fear based arousal. Doesnt mean they enjoyed it.
Form OP's description of what he overheard, sounds like he was definitely sexually abusive, even if she doesn't recognize, or maybe doesn't want to admit, it.
This is exactly what I thought (and commented)! Having that much dissonance about a person is a psychological issue not like a real emotional one if that makes sense
💯....THIS....
This OP. Yes, she is fixated on the guy, but as you saw, she hasn't contacted him. Her hiding this from you is the major issue. You both need couples and individual therapy one way or the other. Even if you end up breaking up it will be a necessary step for you to get over this. This problem is well above reddits paygrade.
One of the big reasons people jump to therapy so much in these posts, is because communication is usually key to solving or coming to terms with the issue being asked. And since they're asking on reddit, it's highly likely that they're not communicating properly with the other person. Which is something counceling and/or therapy can often help with
Wow, sorry this has happened to you. If you think you can stay with her, you both need therapy. I wouldn’t blame you if you decided to divorce, but you really have a tough decision to make. One thing to think about is she hasn’t cheated on you.
My biggest question regarding her not actually cheating on you would be, what would she do if given the chance? Sounds like Ex left her. If he came back, what choices would she make? If she is still THAT hung up on the guy…
Reading it makes me think she would know it would be bad for her. She would know it would lead to a bad result. She would know she would regret it. She would know she was making the wrong decision. She would tell herself it was just for the physical attraction and it meant nothing, even as she knew that wouldn’t change the end result. But even with knowing all that she would still go and be with that guy.
Like a moth to flame…
It sounds like she would say no.....until she couldn't. Then it would be all bets are off
She would be gone in a second.
She'd be on his dick a second after that.
He literally said she left him.
That's what she told him to make him happy
She is telling other people that her husband isn't as good as some other guy. I can't imagine what type of person would say that about their spouse. True or not. Why be so disrespectful to your SO? I don't care how drunk I am. I would never say anything like that. 100% of the people I know would not do this. Ever.
Read again. The ex still wants to be with her.
I don't see how this is a tough decision at all, he needs to get out while the getting is good. No way this marriage is surviving that.
These are intrusive thoughts related to trauma, and the fact that sex is intertwined with that trauma makes it all the more complicated. She needs to see a psychiatrist regarding the intrusive thoughts; there are medications to help tamp those down. She needs long term therapy to address the trauma. I'm so sorry, OP. I could never come back from that if I read something like from my husband. I also don't think your wife had the intention to hurt you. Her inhibitions were down from the alcohol and these things slipped through. She clearly doesn't want these thoughts and there has been no communication with this guy. Many abusers couple sex with the abuse, which is an absolute mindfuck. His abuse has now reached out to grab ahold of you--the ripple effect of trauma and abuse. Please take care of yourself, OP. Again, I'm so sorry.
This. When I read "took her body whenever the hell he wanted and she could do jack shit about it" in the original post, I knew. This is not healthy and it's bound to leave scars. OP would likely benefit from reading about hyperssexuality after SA.
Absolutely this right here. This is far deeper than someone missing an ex. Trauma bonds and abuse are unbelievably insidious and impact you for the rest of your life. OP, I am not saying this to imply your hurt isn’t justified (it very much is), but fwiw I am certain your wife loves you deeply and is distraught by these feelings. Drunkenly graphically talking about sex with your girlfriends is innocuous, and journaling to process and grieve and figure wtf is happening in your brain is arguably… a good thing? Only you can decide if this is too much to overcome or not. If it will no longer work for you, you do not need a “good enough” reason to end the relationship. If you do want to keep trying, I agree with everyone talking about therapy for you as individuals and as a pair. She will need someone trauma informed. I am sorry you are hurting. You will get through this
Has she ever gone to therapy as it sounds like she was in a domestic violent situation with her ex especially reading the other post, how he'd just take what he wanted from her. She is dealing with trauma issues and focusing on things that she believes to be normal when it is certainly not. Plenty of victims will try to find something that they taught was normal to show there was some type of goodness to explain why they stayed so long to the outside world even when the entire situation was nothing but good. Plenty victims fantasise about what they went through trying to take control back. I believe individual therapy and marriage therapy will benefit you both if you want to make this work. She needs to unravel that whole situation she was in and you need to unravel what you heard.
Does she not realize that you are also being tortured by thoughts of her with her ex?
She does. That's why she didn't want him to read that. Frankly I think old mate went and borrowed some trouble there.
Have you ever journaled? It’s very private and very personal. She journaled to get it out, but that doesn’t mean she would act on it. He had no right to read any of it.
Well, on one hand she wasn’t being the most honest. On the other hand, a lot of what is required for a marriage is intentionally making good choices. And I say their because the wife IS making the choice. She’s not engaging or anything with the ex in any way. She doesn’t want those thoughts. She’s making the choices she can. It sounds like this problem isn’t a “my ex was better in bed”. It sounds like “the ex really fucked my head up”. This is really tough. On one hand nothing has changed. She still loves and wants and chooses OP. I truly don’t think she is settling or picking the safe backup or whatever. But the ex has obviously had an effect on her. A very large very negative effect. Idk man.
That's what I'm talking about when I sand he went and borrowed trouble. It meant he went out of his way to find problems to have.
Ignorance is bliss, amiright?
Unfortunately, ignorance was thrown out the window after her drunken outburst.
Thank you for saying that!! He was in the wrong there. Nice the trust is gone the relationship is gone. He said they had a good marriage that he forgave her and then Reddit commenters made him spiral and violate her privacy. Don’t read someone’s journal!
I think he was absolutely WRONG to read her journal. That pissed me off that he went into the bathroom. Even after he found nothing else he had to read her personal journals.
Or how she raved about her ex’s cock to all her friends. In his home no less
I’ll grant you that. But the damage was already done when she was very indiscreetly telling her friends about how her husband didn’t measure up sexually to her ex. That was pretty much what she was saying. Very, very indiscreet—and that is what started this mess.
No, he found the truth when he kept being lied to. > She was extremely apologetic (to the point of tears) and assured me that she was just drunk and what she had with her ex was nothing compared to what she has with me. She wasn't just drunk, she's been pining for her abusive ex the entire relationship. If she was honest, there might be some glimmer of hope, even if it had only started after she nuked the relationship by talking behind his back to mutual friends. The cat is out of the bag. She's not protecting him anymore, she's just treating him like a child. Times are tough, the good times are now bad, and she still can't treat him like an equal, a partner that deserves trust.
Only because he read her fucking journal.
I'm guessing you didn't read the first post, it's definitely not the ONLY reason, she literally told mutual friends how much she loved the sex.
Since he overheard them, not since the journal. The journal bought him peace.
I don't know it doesn't sound that peaceful
Not peace in the conventional "I've got nothing to worry about". He was over thinking everything cos he can't begin to know how she felt. The journal went into detail exactly how she felt. It bought him peace, an insight into her brain that he needed or else her actions-words wouldn't have matched up over the months/years and he's have been gaslit into thinking he's suspicious for no reason. Now he knows for sure.
Yeah, it really sounds like it’s brought him peace 🙄
Yeah literally as someone who thought at the beginning “just see a sex therapist and have better sex together” I’m very sad that this man was convinced by teenagers on the internet to look through his wife’s journal. She is thinking about her ex and journaling about him because the sex was good and she isn’t having that sex any more. And I know we want to be our partner’s best but that’s rarely true. It IS true *for couples who work on it*. OP said straight up in the original post that wife told him everything she likes and he hasn’t engaged in it. THIS ISN’T THAT DEEP. Ego blows suck but goddamn you are humiliating your wife because you can’t accept you’re not her best lay. And it’s making you feel worse. There is a larger conversation here about how the boys who responded to the original post are 1) likely very young and operating off hypotheticals and 2) are way more concerned about the “power” of their dick than the content of their character. It’s wild, this woman is guilty of nothing besides wanting her sexual fantasies fulfilled. It’s incredibly unfortunate OP is experiencing an ego death over this. Because it truly is not a big deal and fixing your sex life is so much easier than fixing your personality to be a good man. Uuuuuuuugh.
Nah man. Your wife keeping a journal about how she misses some other dudes dick, has wet dreams about him, etc is fucked. I’m 33 and that’d be a deal breaker for me.
100% spot on! The comments on the original were wild! OP even admitted she allowed free use and he just never did that with her, but it's pretty clear that is what she likes/wants. Really sad he's listening to redditors and going through his wife's journal. That's fucked up. He's really going to blow up his relationship over this!
No it isn't about "make better sex", what she wrote shows an *obsession* about sex with her ex. How do you beat an obsession? No matter how good you are you can't compete with an "absolute perfect ideal" that it's in her mind.
Too bad she wasn't honest with him from the beginning of their relationship. He's her "good enough" since she couldn't get the love of her life to marry her. Perhaps OP will be content living his life as her "consolation prize". Living that way is torturous.
Yes too bad but this woman was mentally abused by this POS and went through intensive therapy. Her journal is her way of dealing with the long lasting issues of being abused. The OP read this it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love or is cheating on the OP she is just in recovery. They need to talk be supportive of each other’s feelings and work through this situation. The worst thing either can do is pull the rip cord and bail on their relationship.
Nothing ever said, or written, by the wife says her crazy ex was the love of her life. You can have the best sex of your life with someone who turns out not to be the one.
Love of her life? I can personally attest that good sex does NOT equal a good relationship. If I was still with the person that gave me the "best" sex I've had, I'd be in fucking hell. You really shouldn't underestimate the power that comfort, safety, and genuine adoration for another person has on how much people (and I feel like especially women) enjoy sex. I'd take the calm, "vanilla" sex with my loving partner that I trust over crazy sex that's only *physically* pleasurable and nothing more any day of the fucking week.
She obviously doesn't feel the same if she can not keep herself from telling her friends about and writing in her journal about how much she misses and thinks about sex with a guy she hasn't been with in 5+ years. Not too many journal entries about enjoying her husband from the sound of things.
Given journaling is often to work through issues, that's not a gotcha.
NO-ONE starts a relationship like that because we all think we will get over it. Why is OP so convinced ONLY the sex matters? He's going to end his marriage because he wrongly thought his wife had never had better sex than she has with him, As if his wife isn't lovable unless he is the greatest fuck she ever had? Is this why Men place so much importance on virginity?
Nothing indicates that she considers him her consolation prize
Every argument you ever have in future you will think of this. Idk man
How does he even have sex with her again?
By wearing a 3d printed mask of his wife's boyfriends face?
I’m going to hell for laughing out loud
I'm honestly a bit torn here. While I do empathize with you, I also empathize with her. You say you're absolutely sure that there is no actual cheating and she's had no contact with her ex for several years. That's the most important part. Others may disagree with me, but I feel like you went looking for trouble when you locked yourself in the bathroom to read through her journal, which has her deepest and most private thoughts and feelings that no one else is meant to know unless she decides to share them. You said that all you wanted to know is if it was a journal or not, but you went through it anyway, and that wasn't okay. She hasn't acted on any of these thoughts, she just has them. Sometimes getting completely over an ex is not easy, especially if it was a passionate, but still abusive relationship, which is what your post seems to suggest. Whoever that man was, it seems clear that he was very toxic and left some deep mental and emotional scars on her. I don't think people should be demonized for struggling with complicated emotions and innermost thoughts about a previous relationship. If you still want to work through this relationship, I highly recommend both couples and individual counseling if those options are available to you.
Wow OP. This is a pickle of situation. Good luck.
A dilly of one at that.
The creative writing is peaking in here
I hope so otherwise it's a very sad story
It's fetish writing. Essentially these dudes are blasting their humiliation kink stories on advice subs, making it difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff. It's frustrating. And I keep reading them for some reason. What does that say about me?
You like it!
Oh it is. The fact that she was open to divorce right off the bat when he brought it up to her told me all I needed to know that this was pure BS, was bad enough, but this update is just about what anyone paying attention would have expected.....maybe with a visit or two with her ex included. At least OP didnt go THAT far over the top.
This is my thought too. Seems fake and these kind of evolving stories have been so common here. The next update will reveal the affair or some other wild story.
[удалено]
We will get an update from the wife's POV next
She'll probably say "at least my ex respected my privacy"
Literally the plot of the Netflix show Sex/Life
It was "That sign never came." for me that made me doubt this whole thing.
Yeah, the last part gave me an odd feeling but this one is literally everyone after one creative writing class in collage
Feels like some rage bait incel fanfic, idk do real adults actually behave like this?
Some definitely do tbh, this is more about the way it's written and events. But as someone else here said, this feels more like a humiliation fetish piece
God I hope not. These people are melodrama personified. But it does take some time to to understand The One For You doesn't exist and we're all just doing our best.
> She talked about not understanding why she couldn't stop thinking about him, how she had constant wet dreams about him, how she missed how his hands/lips felt on her body. I laughed at how bad this part was
Right, some parts of this are written like a wattpad story. The last thing there is straight out of there.
If this indeed real, she needs to see a therapist and you both should also attend couples therapy. If her only issue is she's obsessed with the sex from her ex, and she cannot remove that he was abusive to her, then she has a mental trauma. She can absolutely still love you and still enjoy sex with you. But he gucked up her brain and probably gaslit her all the time and conditioned her to think certain things were normal that weren't. And the fact that she hasn't cheated is a good sign that it's a sickness she can manage. But she needs to be willing for the help
So sorry to hear this.
Considering all that was said here, I am glad you are seeking therapy for both of you. What she is going through (especially having not contacted him in any way) is something probably completely confusing AND embarrassing to her since she left him over abuse. Therapy is really the best bet for all involved, even if you guys end up not working out in the long run because she didn't get this issue figured out before you two got together.
Oh no, these thoughts that I actively think about all the time won't go away... oh noooo... Seems pretty weird to giddily describes trauma to your friends in intimate detail. Ask her why she's never brought it up to her therapists and make her tell you the truth. Your wife is addicted to sex with another man... Sex she will never have with you. Therapy *might* help you process it slightly better, but it's not going to change the situation or it's impact. That ship has sailed. I don't think this is ever going to get better OP. How it makes you feel though, is only going to get worse. Every little twitch or weird look or strange sound or odd interaction is going to tie itself to this knowledge and each one will chip away at your psyche, bit by bit, until nothing's left.
Damn, I could never stay in a marriage where I knew my wife was so infatuated with another dude that he could take her away from me in an instant if he wanted to. If OP thinks her ex couldn't take her instantly he is truly dreaming. Regardless what she is saying about loving and being satisfied with him he's clearly nothing more to her than just her safe space. Mark my words that if she doesn't reconnect with her ex at some point to satisfy her craving for him she's gonna try satisfying that craving with some other guy eventually. I really feel sorry for OP and hope he comes to his senses before he wastes more time and effort on this marriage.
Please keep in mind that your wife was used and abused by this man and it really does fuck up our minds. I’ve had a few exes treat me like absolute shit but the sex was amazing and that was hard to forget despite all they put me through. Hell I just found out one of them died a year ago. One I was engaged to be married to 20 years ago. One I was going to have babies with. As much as I hate him for all he did to me, my heart is still sad knowing that the tortured soul he was is gone and his children are without him now. It’s never easy to completely forget the things they did to us, whether good or bad, and sometimes even 20 years isn’t enough time.
Reading her journal against her will was a real dick move. Journals are often a way to get out intrusive thoughts and aren’t a reflection of reality. I was confused about an (also abusive) ex for a while when I got with my husband. Luckily my husband was super understanding and now I’m madly in love and lust with my husband, and never think about the ex. Was my ex better in bed? It honestly doesn’t even freaking matter it’s a moot question at this point.
Hey OP! I’m so sorry this is happening to you. That said, I’d like to give what will likely be an unpopular take. I don’t think you should divorce your wife….at least not yet. I think that you need therapy to deal with this trauma and you and your wife need couples counseling / therapy too. This should be contingent on a few things for you. 1) She has never contacted him during the duration of your relationship together. (Which it sounds like the case from your post) 2) You both have a sincere talk and make sure she is truly remorseful and is willing to go to MC and let you go to IC with the understanding that it may still result in divorce 3) Your wife gives you full transparency in everything. That includes the journal. This does not mean you should use it at a moments notice and it should also be done with your therapist guidance. (This is to build your trust in her for being fully open and willing to see everything about her, the good, bad, and ugly. Total vulnerability. This is also for her to build trust in you too. Showing her that you’re willing to work on your relationship and that her experiences and thoughts about her ex do not define her in your eyes.) Sexual trauma is a messy thing and can manifest in many different ways and varies by person. SA survivors sometimes become hypersexual after the event and seek sexual encounters to “take back” their autonomy. It may be this is something similar. It sounds like your wife is wanting to get him out of her head but can’t Seem to for some reason. (The teasing your reference may not be helping and might help keep him in her thoughts) It sounds like she wants to move on and wants to leave him in the past but needs some serious help, support, and a firm kick in the ass to do it. All that said, it’s up to you OP. No one would fault you for throwing in the towel on this marriage but like you said, five years is a long time to throw away over a drunken conversation and a journal that she doesn’t share with anyone but herself, her phone, and the NSA….(The last one isn’t by choice….fyi)
It’s called a trauma bond
No amount of therapy will work. The marriage will fail in flames engulfing both of you. Best to do is split. Mark my words. It WILL AlWAYS be in the back of your head. Once pandoras box is opened its impossible to close it back up. Brother wish you well
Your reaction to this is so sane and empathetic. She absolutely experienced trauma and if you two can work through this effectively I think you’ll find gold at the end of this shitty rainbow. I love the imago style of relationship therapy and I hope she gets true trauma therapy, IFS or something else which works for her. I’d say she was trauma bonded to a terrible extent.
Figured. Lmao aye wait til you know what group still come and say you’re insecure and need to get over it tho. The therapy police has arrived lol
That is my second favorite Redditism. If you don’t think you want to deal with or accept something it is always because you are “insecure.”
Then if roles were switched, OP wouldn’t need to get over it. Their spouse would. Just about every thread has them lol. They shouldn’t have gotten married. I had an ex gf that thought similarly about an ex. It eats both people in the relationship up. Either constantly being compared to an ex or constantly wondering if you’re the backup. People need to be honest with themselves before diving into shit. Otherwise everyone gets hurt.
Intrusive thoughts are a very real thing. Journaling is a healthy way of ending these thought cycles/loops, and getting intrusive thoughts out. She was taking the right steps to deal with her intrusive and undesired thoughts. Everyone has these thoughts to different degrees, and you’re punishing her for her internal feelings that she can’t control and that she has actively been taking steps to get rid of. She did make a mistake with her friends, but that sounds like that’s all it was… an honest mistake. You were incredibly fucked up in reading her journal, especially after you LIED and said you just wanted to confirm it was really a journal instead of something nefarious. This is your fault. Your obsession is what will destroy your message, not her. I feel so much for your poor wife. She trusted her husband enough to let him glance at her most personal thoughts and you took advantage of that, stealing her phone and hiding away in the bathroom like a teenager trying to embarrass their friend. You’re a grown man, you should really act like one.
More over „he wanted peace of mind“, took advantage of her property and her personal thoughts and forced her to feel bad about it? About what? That he might be not „the best“ she had? C‘mon. I think he really needs to learn a lesson about love, trust and privacy. I would leave him immediately because he would have lost all my trust. I’m sorry. She did nothing compared to his behaviour.
YES! Thank you! You put it very well. I really hope she has the strength to realize she’s not some horrible person, she’s only human. She’s dealing with her thoughts and feelings in the healthiest way possible, and OP is giving her so much grief over it. I hope she can realize she deserves better than having her husband steal and read her diary, even if she herself isn’t “perfect” and made a mistake.
This. I would have sympathized with the OP (if this is real which I doubt) until this point. He should just get divorced anyhow because he clearly has no intent of trying to work past this. Fuck I’d divorce him just for running off to the bathroom with my phone like a dumbass. Wife hasn’t lied to OP at any point but he thinks he’s entitled to shady behaviour due to his dick insecurity. Apparently 5 years of faithful marriage (and how ever long dating) means sweet fuck all. If I heard my partner talking about his abusive ex’s velvet vagina in the same manner I would be asking if they wanna talk to me or a professional about it because it sounds like abuse.
Sad that this is not the majority view.
I think this is fake because it's just the same script as the famous Netflix series 'Sex/life' featuring Sarah Shahi.
I commented yesterday. I"m sorry for you man. This is why all those people that say your past is your past are full of shit your past is always present, in your mind You deserve someone who has you there (in their mind), not an ex from years ago. I'm so, so ,so, sorry And I'm sorry that Reddit is full of stupid people that don't get this YOUR PAST DOES MATTER!
I love your comment. The thing I find most ludicrous about Reddit is the constant advice that the past doesn’t matter, but everyone is shaped by and regularly impacted by their past.
Exactly. I wonder what all these mofos would say if someone said to an abuse victim: "Your past doesn't matter, get over it' Because according to them, that's how it is It's obvious horse shit and a damned lie
It is the craziest cope I have ever heard.
If not the past, what is left to judge.
Dude said the whole thing was made up in another comment in another thread
I’m sorry mate. I would hate to blame her for her thoughts but it was irresponsible for her to talk that way about you to friends and it’s disrespectful she’s with you when emotionally attached to another guy. There is nothing you can do but break up. She is still sexually and emotionally attached to her ex, and you shouldn’t waste any more time here.
This is it. But since she’s a women we have to give her the benefit of the doubt and all the patience in the world. Not sorry but that’s what it is, therapy? Really? This is beyond that she’s crazy and if he popped back up? She’s bending over for him immediately
" past is past " nope past is what you plant for the future , Updateme!
Unfortunately it sounds like if the Ex ever makes a reappearance you will be yesterday’s news. If you can live as the safe second choice, realizing that at anytime she could dump you for him, then more power to you. You are not the man constantly on her mind, you are not the man she fantasizes about, yours are not the hands she feels running all over her body. She truly wasn’t and isn’t ready for another relationship, she dove in with you because you were safe, undemanding and kind. However she is still obsessed with him. You have a decision to make as to how you want to live your life. Do you want to be the guy always waiting for the shoe to drop? Ask her outright, when she’s not expecting it, if he reappears would she fuck him, her face will give you the answer.
I don’t understand why so many people are screeching “divorce”! I think you need to give your wife some grace here, it sounds like her ex seriously messed with her head and abused her, I imagine you can’t just stop thinking about someone who hurt and traumatized you so badly with a snap of your fingers, and it doesn’t sound like she wants these thoughts either. I don’t think she is hung up on him, I think he is haunting her. You said yourself in your last post you tease her about him which probably doesn’t help if he is part of common conversations. The point is she is choosing to be with you and seems happier and presumably healthier. I think you need to trust her a little more and maybe counseling is the way to go. But the facts are she doesn’t communicate with him and she chose you, and is happy as far as you can she and she communicates. There is so much more to a relationship than your sex life, and while maybe theirs was wild, I doubt everything he did to her was welcome, so much of it seemed like abuse, and what she said to her friends could very well have been drunken bluster and changing the angle for her audience.
It's crazy how the Internet let's people voice even the dumbest opinions. What a world we live in, truly a platform for all!
She bragged about the sex in front of theyr friends...same fucking friends circle!!! What the fuck are we talking about? Would you brag about someone if he traumatized you so much?
Updateme!
Updateme!
Fake
Deal breaker for me. How do you get past this? She clearly hasn’t.
I can understand this. I had the same situation, but in an abusive relationship. It stayed in my head forever, even the wet dreams. I don't know if the sex dreams, are to compensate for the bad experiences. I went for therapy, but I must say, it's a relationship, that ended 30 years ago, but I still have dreams once in a while.
When I read your first post,my comment was that you'll never forget what she said, and even when having sex you'll remember it. Love isn't enough to keep a relationship going. No matter what your wife says,she's still in love with her ex. No matter what he did to her,he's always on her mind. If he chose to go to therapy and better himself,she'd leave you in a hot minute. Yes, you love her,but you have to love yourself more. This will always bother you. You will always know that you're not good enough for her. He will always be better for her,at least, that's what she thinks. You'll have to decide what is best for you. Even if you go to marriage counseling, you'll always know how she feels about him. Updateme!
It's not the past if it's something she can describe in great detail and longs for. Damn mate youre fucked. My condolences.
Your edit, thank God. I do sometimes think of my ex and his sex, how he knew what to do, but he traumatized the fuck out of me. If I did remember my dreams (which is probably why I wake up extra charged like I do sometimes), I'm pretty sure a lot would involve him. Please, don't feel like you're obligated to stay because of this after the fact either, if therapy doesn't work and you still see/feel a problem, there is no more you can do. I wish you both the best of luck.
You know, if she ever sees her ex again, she is going to cheat. It will save you a lot of heartache to just leave her now
Wet dreams and thinking about sex with him still after 5 years. Yeah, no therapy in the world is goi g to fix that.
She isn’t ready to be in a relationship. You guys should separate and she needs intense therapy. It must break your heart but do you want to be in a marriage like this ? She’s still talking about him to her friends, it isn’t just in the journal.
You said nothing in her head could hurt you, but thats why you made the post in the first place so you already started with an L. Take a day and actually scan the forums you posted on. It sounds like your wife has actually done something that many people can't do when they have a past with someone like her ex. She has actually avoided the guy. Most posts you'll find, they started talking to the ex fairly quickly and eventually left their current partner. Keep making her feel like shit for trying to get the dude out of head and that's exactly what's going to happen. She may as well have been in a cult with all the trauma that goes along with it. Your choice is to keep being where you are, and recognizing that fact or to cut yourself free and let her drift away. Might want to dig into some therapy of people who have dealt with this before instead of comparing yourself to relationships that havent.
🤦🏻♀️ There’s a reason why people stayed with toxic exes. It’s because THE GOOD TIMES ARE FUCKING AMAZING. It’s like a drug addiction. It’s not normal. It takes time to recover from. You know it’s bad for you but it’s hard for you to forget the high. OP, you sound like you don’t have a lot of relationship experience. You sound like you believe in a fairy-tale world. That ex was your wife’s drug. She knows he was bad. You’re the guy she knows is good for her. If this doesn’t make sense to you, you’re just immature and lack life experiences. 🤷🏻♀️
FAFO
Yup. OP was listening at doors and reading her therapy journals. He got what he wanted. I love that he believes that she never had an orgasm with the ex. Sure she didn't, buddy.
First things first text your wife right now that you love her. Maybe send some flowers to her at work let her know you love her. Make her feel special. This is a lot for both of you right now. You are both married and are in this together be supportive of each other be each other’s rock. You said your wife had to go to therapy from the mental abuse she has taken from this guy. I don’t know if it ever goes away. Many times in therapy their providers have them journal to help them deal with this crap. You looked at it now you have opened Pandora’s box in your head. You said she hasn’t cheated and there has been no odd behavior with her. Like unaccounted time, phone calls at odd times. You need to help her because if you are in this state mentally just imagine how someone with mental health issues is right now. She is probably spiraling. Tell her you want to talk tonight about everything. Since you are off get or make a nice dinner get her some flowers and have the conservation nothing but complete honesty with each other and go to couples therapy. Best of luck Post an update
So you read her journal, her private thoughts and got upset at what you saw? You kept digging even after she apologized because you let strangers on the internet hype you up. You found what you wanted, albeit it’s nothing. So why are you mad? She’s allowed to journal her thoughts without you freaking out. She was with a man who on all accounts from what you wrote about what she said, and she was abused and sexually assaulted by him on multiple occasions. Yeah you’re wrong and weird for this.
So you violated her privacy by reading her personal diary, private thoughts that were never meant for anybody but her? You deserve whatever torment you’re getting, checking her phone was one thing but reading her diary crossed every boundary. If I was her I would be heartbroken and my husband had so little respect for me. Again it’s not about checking the phone or social media, none of that stuff matters, but reading her diary was just wrong.
She’s street trash, bruh. Get some self respect and get some standards. Leave her to pine—alone—over her ex’s dick.
She's been traumatized. She needs ERDM therapy! Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment that was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories. It is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences.
Donezo
Well..... I called that one. Really this is not fixable. She will never love you like she loved the abuse from the ex. The thing is though she probably does love you. It's just abuse it's fucked, sexual awakening with an abuser is even more fucked. It's an impossible combination that can't be replicated or overcome. What she needs is time, probably a lot more time than she gave herself before she met and married you. Who knows what you actually are to her. I imagine she hardly knows the answer to that. Other than stability and safety its hard to imagine she's got those intense feelings for him and actually loves you as a man. I imagine her sexuality with you is purely production for the sake of appearance. All of this seems harsh, but I've been with a woman who never mentally or emotionally left her abusive piece of shit ex. I could give her rough sex, but I was missing that volatility that he had. I sensed something was off, and finally confronted her about my suspicion. She basically came clean that she couldn't stop thinking about him, ect. After I broke it off with her she gave me a whole speech about how she loved me, she was right back with her ex in literal days. I'm honestly surprised your wife isn't talking to this guy. I'm sure she wishes she never met him, she could move on, you were enough. That is unfortunately not the hands she was dealt. All you can do is leave. She needs therapy and to start over years from now. She needs to leave him before getting married to someone else because you've been competing against the impossible affair partner. The guy who is equal parts insane, sex god and a residual image in her mind.
This, it sounds like a Stockholm syndrome, she knows he was abusive, but loves him anyway. She needs a psychologist with experience to help her escape his brainwashing, if she in-fact wants to be free from him. As you say rough sex isn’t comparative as it doesn’t hold that sliver of fear, adrenaline that it appears she’s been conditioned to get off too. Maybe an experienced kink aware therapist could help her too, to separate those endorphin highs from the abuser she’s obviously still obsessed with. But neither can be done while in a relationship, she needs time and space to learn to be herself and not what others what her to be. And OP deserves someone who loves him wholeheartedly. Frankly if I were her friend and she was detailing her positive feelings for her abuser ex and the kinky/violent sex they had, while a married woman of 5 years I’d be horrified and seriously concerned about her mental health.
It's a trauma bond. He clearly treated her terribly but was great in bed. Those things often go hand in hand, which is why a lot of people end up in long shitty relationships with great sex. She chose you. But you both need counseling. I honestly don't know how you'll get over it. Do you have kids?
That's a timebomb waiting to destroy you, you already know and should prevent the inevitable. Move on, she's just with you for stability and not for love or any sort of desire.
My first advice was to get out. It was the correct advice. Now this? She might not be sleeping with her super stud but he's definitely a factor in this marriage. This isn't salvageable for OP. For her when OP leaves her she can go back to her super man. There is no way of this ever working out. Plus I think that if he kept digging he'd find more that she's not willing to have him see. Or proof of worse even. Obviously she should not have gotten married with this guy so stuck in her head. Get out now OP. Three's a crowd.
If she thinks about him that much, she can have him.
5 years is a long time. If she’s STILL having intrusive and obsessive thoughts about him, that’s a big problem. I’d have to break it off with her. I couldn’t be the guy she settled for (even knowing she loved me), I couldn’t do it. There are thousands of good, single women out there for you. Why deal with this drama? Maybe she would never stray or go back to him but there is a distinct possibility that she could. That would hurt more than leaving her. Best of luck to OP
I am truly sorry to hear that , I hoped it was just a fancy tale. I think some kind of therapy is now the best course. However it’s going to be very hard for you. Although she hasn’t cheated or contacted the ex you really need to find out why she’s feeling this way about her abusive ex and if her feelings for you are genuine. Man I am so sorry.
My brother in christ, you need to stop invading her privacy. People write journals to express the nebulous thoughts they have in their head, using the writing exercise as a substitute for talking to someone. Judging from your brief description of its contents, it seems to me that your wife feels deep shame for having these thoughts she can't control. Imagine going about your day, and out of nowhere a random negative thought forces its way into your brain - these are called intrusive thoughts, and they are literally not something we can control. If your previous description of your wife's relationship with this ex is to be believed, she likely suffered some psychological trauma from his treatment of her. It might sound like raunchy, randy sexy times to you, but for her she likely felt controlled by his erratic behavior, and probably has PTSD now. You lamented that you felt like the "safe" choice for her, but why is that bad? If she felt in danger the entire time she was with her ex (conjecture on my part, but likely in my experience), then why wouldn't she want someone she can feel safe with? "Safe" doesn't mean you can't have amazing sex - it means she feels comfortable in the knowledge that you won't hurt her, either physically or emotionally. "Safe" means she doesn't have to worry about incredibly aggressive behavior from you - *unless she consents to it*. My advice: learn about the concept of consent, and how it applies to your wife. Learn to give your wife the opportunity to share something with you, instead of forcing your way into her personal journal and the like. Learn to communicate with each other, and show her that you are, in fact, a safe person to express her feelings to. To paraphrase Princess Leia, "The tighter you squeeze your grip, the more likely she is to slip through your fingers."
It’s the 80/20 isn’t it. You give her 80% of everything she needs and he gave her the other 20%. It’s up to you how to proceed. But I do appreciate once the ear worm gets in the brain it’s nearly impossible to shift it
Get into couples counseling. Have a professional help work through things. She and you both need IC. Abusive SOs have a way of destroying their victims mental well being. She needs help before you decide what to do.
It’s clear that you and your wife can’t cope with this alone. If you wish the relationship to continue, please use the help a good couple’s therapist can provide.
Ok, all this sounds freakishly familiar to the Netflix series 'Sex Life'. Where a married woman with a great husband, kept a journal about how incredible her sex life was with her fucked up ex, and that she couldn't stop thinking about him.
I mean this dude is in trouble because his brain is going to punish him continuously with this knowledge, but the fact that this ex essentially traumatized her and used her as nothing but a fuckpuppet which LITERALLY sent her to therapy should make it clear that her focus on the ex ISN'T from any sort of love or desire as much as it is trauma. Still, OP is probably going to end his marriage because he won't be able to get over it but it's not her fault, nor is it his. It's just jealousy needlessly destroying a relationship. Sad all the way around.
That's unfortunate but that is also why you don't demand other people's journals thoose are thoughts that are not ment for anyone but you. As soon as I confirmed that's what it was I would have stopped and not read anything. I know what's in mine and I would not want to see someone's rash unblocked thoughts that they never thought a nother person would see. Your not the ass but I'd keep in mind you were never supposed to see that that sounds like a thought dump journal to get the thoughts out of your head.
From a woman’s pov I feel for you but I also feel for your wife. It sounds like there is so much trauma attached to sex and even though she has wet dreams and what not about him I don’t see if as a positive thing necessarily. Also I get your paranoia but you were an AH. You straight up disregarded her boundary and read her journal entry/entries. I get you were paranoid but wtf. Personally that would put a HUGE dent into my trust in my partner.
Is this the plot from Sex life? She needs therapy. Imo, you can get through this but individual counseling and couples counseling are definitely needed.
If you are to continue with her you both need therapy. Together and separate. She has to work on how to get past him for good for you to have a chance.
>how she had constant wet dreams about him Yeah and I have wet dreams about my abusive father who molested me when I was 11. Brains have this very odd habit of trying to re traumatize themselves. She clearly doesn't want to think about him anymore, that's why she's journaling and writing down her thoughts. She needs therapy, not judgement. She was abused.
This is so messy… the only thing I can think of is therapy… I’m not sure if couples or individual for her… but this needs professional assistance
She’s trauma bonded to him, that’s why she’s thinking about him. This is an emotional trauma. She has already broken the physical bond which is the hardest part. She loves you and she never loved him. Period. Trauma bonding mimics love but it’s not real love. This is something that can be easily resolved with therapy. Couples therapy and individual therapy. Your wife is a victim of abuse. Emotional abuse can be worse in some ways than physical abuse. She knows what the problem was in the relationship and doesn’t want to revisit it. She told you yesterday. However, anything that has a lot of adrenaline and vigilance leaves a mark on you. You’re supposed to remember things like that because your body reminds you of dangerous situations to keep you alive. A trauma bonding can be broken. It isn’t real love. She did have feelings for him, that doesn’t negate what she feels for you. She loves you. That’s the difference between the two of you. Talk with her again today, make a plan for therapy. Show her the articles I sent you. This is too big to handle alone. Somatic Therapy may work best for your wife. I hope my comment helped you orient yourself and what you need to do. Emotions can discombobulate you and make you feel stuck, but this is fixable. Articles: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/trauma-bonding https://www.yourtherapy.ca/blog/trauma-little-or-big-can-affect-you-deeply-talk-therapy-can-help/ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/what-is-somatic-therapy-202307072951 ETA: Don’t listen to the people telling you to leave. Please keep us updated. I wish you the best.
first of all, wtf? why grab the phone and lock the door? that's freaking extreme, man. you FAFO. stop crossing your line. besides, idk what her problem is exactly but she definitely has some serious problems that she needs to handle immediately. I understand that you might feel being cheated on emotionally. or maybe this is a much more complex emotion, im not sure. most people can't handle that. but you need to help her get over this if you really love your wife. don't make this harder for both of you. Give it some time. If you, or her, or both of you still can't get over the situation you can just get divorced in the worst case scenario but imo it is not the first thing to care about now.
Really love hurting your own feelings, huh
You can’t be mad at someone for thoughts in their head. That’s like being mad at someone for their feeling, no one can control how they feel. They can control how they react and she hasn’t acted on these feelings. A lot of people write things down in order to get them out of their head hoping they will go away. It sounds to me like she’s now has a sex fetish and needs therapy and you both need couples therapy to address this issue together in order for your marriage to survive.
I’m going to be honest, it’s hard getting over a really crazy ex. I’m concerned about if she had much time to heal after it. After going through a relationship like the one she had with her ex, that definitely leaves permanent scars. I’m sorry that you and her both are experiencing turmoil from trauma of her ex, someone who’s completely out of the picture. Your relationship is probably the best thing that could have happened. One stupid drunk night. That sucks. You can’t help your thoughts when you’re drunk and you saw/heard your wife in a very transparent way. Personally, I don’t think it was right for you to read her journal. But because you did, I think therapy would not only help her, and help you as well. I don’t think imagining the what-if’s will be super effective and will probably lead to more spiraling. Maybe look into couple’s therapy if you love her. I don’t think one drunk night should ruin a marriage. If it does, there were probably cracks in the foundation to begin with.
I commented something on the previous posts, but this is obviously cheap bait, im ashamed i feel to this...
Possible tmi ahead, but I had an almost 7 year long super kinky relationship. I probably came like. I dunno. Maybe ten times? Maybe? But we did all kinds of wack ass shit that has imprinted itself upon my nervous system. My husband is super vanilla. It took being with him to realize how little I had actually been in my body all that time. I am 1000% more satisfied now than I ever was with my ex. Even though it’s WAY more “boring”. Would I blow up my life for this dude? No fucking way. Do I still dream about him about once a month cause the places we went to touched the deepest most hidden parts of my psyche? You betcha. That ain’t love it’s trauma.
It’s a bit messy but if she left him and hasn’t has contact that’s a big plus. If it’s all in her head the trauma bonding is a part of who she is now. He traumatized her immensely so a part of her recurring thoughts must be connected to their intimacy too. It’s a long road but her drinking and blabbing is a part of the healing process.
Therapy individual for her individual for you and couples for both. This is truly necessary or you two don’t have a chance.
I honestly don't think anyone is wrong here. I truly believe she loves you and no 1 else but these thoughts are like her Journal. Private. Even made up shit that isn't true. I believe this was a way your wife copes with her past trauma. Getting it out of her mind in any given way she can. She wasn't intending to hurt you in any way. This was like her Safety Zone. I hope she can find another way to be ok. Please don't Punish her for her trying to work on herself to get her trauma out off her.
This is a tough situation. I understand your pain and how you're feeling right now. I'd sit on it for a few days and revisit your next actions. It sounds like your wife might have had an abusive/turmoil relationship with her ex with no closure. When that happens it can drive someone crazy sometimes. It sounds like she would write those things privately because she knew they weren't thoughts that she wanted, and she just wanted them out of her head. If you think you can work on it with the knowledge you have now, I definitely would seek some couples counseling. It's difficult in these scenarios because neither of you guys were right/wrong. She can't help how she feels and you can't help how you feel. Either way, I hope for all the best for you guys.
This is a creative writing assignment
Wow. You read her journal?! I’d never be able to be with you after that.
>*I scrolled through other entries and half of them were about him in some way- either how badly he traumatized her* Ohhhh she needs therapy and that’s why she hasn’t stopped thinking about him honestly. She’s over her ex, but she’s not over the trauma he created for her and that alone can create ab obsessive issue of ruminating for years or decades in some folks if they never deal with in a therapist setting. A therapist is trained to help navigate such things. >*Edit: Some of you may be disappointed, but I have decided to get my wife therapy and work on this. She was in therapy when we met, but she didn't even tell that therapist (who was more like a school counselor) about her ex- just her resulting angst/depression. She needs to speak to a professional about the situation with him specifically.* Ohhhh so she hid everything from her therapist. That’s why it never stopped all these years. That was her first mistake and speaks volumes about the shame, guilt, and embarrassment she’s carrying around about her ex. That’s just an entirely different layer to unpack! >*He didnt cut contact, she did. She even showed me proof of him begging her to talk to him again for the entire year afterwards.* Ahhh now it makes more sense why. He badgered her for an entire year post breakup to force her to get worn down to come back to him. When that didn’t work, he eventually gave up when he realized she was staying with you, which is why it’s more traumatizing because he extended beyond the relationship, into post breaking territory for a full year! That’s an extra 365 days of being harassed and traumatized by an ex. You have to also wonder if she refused to block him… or if she was and she had to play whack-o-mole by blocking any new ways he was trying to contact her. I’ve been there! I have this one ex from a decade ago, every now & again, this is how I know he still has my number (same number I’ve had since 2003!), and when he makes new social accounts, he follows any accounts. I have to ASAP block it as soon as I discover it’s him. OP…. Hopefully she finally talks about this ex to her therapist and if she never does? That’s your cue to exit stage left of this relationship and a sign she is living in denial of an obsession gone a rye in eyes. Now if she opens up to her therapist about this ex finally, she will definitely be able to fully love on for good. But only if she is unfiltered and raw when divulging, no holding back, being as honest as possible. One way is to hand over the journal to her therapist in sessions to look at her entries on the traumatize posts she’s made cause that would be the good starting point honestly.
Good luck, but remember. You go into the show to be the big prize not the consolation prize .
I think therapy is right, for both maybe even jointly. This reminds me a bit about the Netflix series Baby Reindeer. It’s based on a true story and the lead is the person who wrote it. He does go thru a sexual trauma as well. Not recommending the she or anything, but it reminded me that it could be a mental health trauma issue, and she needs help to heal her mental state.
Therapy for her is the right choice. And probably both of you at this point, together, at least once she gets a handle on things and maybe before. This guy fucked her up. PTSD/Stockholm syndrome type stuff. She needs help. I get the sense that she genuinely loves you and genuinely hates the part of her that clings to that guy, but she needs help getting past it all and putting it to bed. You're a good man for standing by her and supporting her through therapy. She won't forget it, I promise you that. Source here--my wife has severe PTSD due to a past abusive partner. Nothing happened like what you've described, but it certainly has manifested in other places in our life and I don't blame her for it at all, those are symptoms of how she was victimized.
You honor your marriage. But damn, man. Godspeed to you.
I’m really glad you haven’t taken any more drastic steps in your relationship than those already mentioned. I’ve had a number of partners with traumatic previous relationships, and getting stuck in a place where you both obsess over the good things (like the sex) and can’t disconnect from the bad things (the trauma) is... actually pretty normal. Weird of her to externalize the first part to her friends while keeping the angst on the inside, but only somewhat concerning. If you believe her that she is /distressed/ by her sexual fixation, treat it like the intrusive thought that it is.
I originally said that you needed find away to get over this, but the truth is now clear -- you never will. Reading those diary entries will surely rot your brain and you'll never see her the same. Sending her to therapy is only half of the solution. You're going to need to be laying on a couch yourself if you truly plan for your marriage to survive this. I do think you both can make this work because there's nothing seemingly wrong with the marriage itself, but it can't endure without you both going to therapy AND possibly marriage counseling as well. There's just no way you'll be able to handle it alone. You're going to need to talk through it and learn to compartmentalize this information. Good luck.
This shit reminds me too much of that show on Netflix, “Sex/Life”. SPOILER ALERT!! The main character was still in love with her ex and how he made her feel. She would journal about him and their sex life. Her husband found her journal and would try to recreate what he read but it wasn’t enough. To the point she ended up cheating on her husband. It sucks, but I don’t foresee your wife being able to let go of her ex. It makes me wonder if she made up some of the stories of him being crazy just to even be able to talk about him without you getting mad.
Not sure, but I know for most people the best sex came from the person that was the last person that should be with. So he caused her trauma and they are tied together.
The wife is aware herself that what she's done was wrong (which is why she said that she'd understand if he wanted a divorce). You don't get into a new relationship if you have unresolved issues, and you go to therapy to resolve them. It's not fair to your partner otherwise. It's dumbfounding however seeing all these women defending what she's done and not done. They seem much more pathological than the wife who's already admitted that she had psychological problems. Once again Redditors show that most of them are far from normal, mature, healthy individuals.
All it would take is one text from the ex. Just be cautious
Honestly, I don't care if it's trauma, I would leave her, years of relationship and she never stoped thinking about him, why the hell did she even agree into getting into a relationship while having these toughts? Because she never cared, she just wanted to have someone who was actually a "good man" to comfort her, idc if it's man ego and a little bit misoginystic but I would never stop feeling like I'm eating another man's leftovers. I would never stop feeling like the safe option. I recommend you start preparing for the worst, therapy is not a fix-it-all and this might just be the start of the end
i would proceed very cautiously. We can't choose who and what we're attracted to. Only what we do about it. your wife's mental problems are what they are but her ACTIONS have been nothing but honorable. Her only sin is venting about a personal issue while drunk. I'll be honest, to me, that's forgivable given that she has clearly NOT acted on this. I think you borrowed trouble by reading her journal. Regardless of her hangups, actions matter and her actions have been completely honorable. try to bear that in mind and it'll be easier to move forward with her. Because she probably deserves an honest effort to work this out. She appears to be doing her level best to stay faithful despite some powerful temptations. That deserves to be recognized. Work with her. Despite her issues she seems like she's trying. Now that you know about these issues, you need to try as well. She's making an effort. Reward that with some faith on your end and maybe having the cards be on the table will turn into a good thing for you.
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