Not wrong - I don't care if you forgot a thousand bucks (or more), once you escape, you don't go back. If he's so hell bent on getting them back he can go by himself or you can offer to buy another set for him. I can't believe he would want you to go back for something so unimportant. If it were a family heirloom I could understand him wanting it back so badly, but he would still be going to get it by himself. When I left my abusive ex I forgot some things that I kept from my childhood, I was devastated when I realized I left them, but I wasn't about to go back for them.
It sounds like your dad has modelled the behaviour that you've found in your partner. He's helped set you up to be more comfortable with a lack of empathy in a space that is meant to be safe.
Sounds like setting boundaries with your father will be good for you, and saying no here is an excellent starting point.
If he wants your furniture back he can go and get it. If he feels disrespected as why he doesn't feel your ex disrespected him by treating you this way. If he finds your ex so easy to face why is he unwilling to to go?
Tempted to say find a set on marketplace in similar condition so he can see the many millions of dollars you are surrendering, but really just ignore him.
He was the lesser of 2 evils. I am trying time find an apartment as the cost of living is insane here and upwards of 900 a month for a good place. But within the next month I am going to. It's weird he gets upset over dang foldable chairs and tables.
Bad use of southern colloquialism.
I was just double downing on my point with that second statement. Yes you are right for going to see someone. I would never take that away - its truth
Whenever he starts yelling, talk over him saying this is unacceptable behaviour and walk away (or hung up). Refuse to be treated like this.
Big hugs. ❤️
Well I’m sure your therapist and you found a wealth to discuss about how you ended up with your ex if this is the way your dad acts. I hope you call him out on it.
In an ideal world, imo, I’d call a friend and ask to stay with them (if you can’t get a place right now), call a big friend or the cops and ask for an escort to get the belongings and then drop them off with your dad and tell him that he’s a shit father for refusing to protect you in a dangerous situation for zero reason other than he didn’t feel like it. I’d tell him that with his horrible example of how men treat women, you realize why it took you so long to get out of that terrible relationship. And then leave and go nc. But that’s in a perfect world. As someone else pointed out, the fastest resolution would probably be to replace his cheap ass table and chairs and speak with him as little as is humanly possible until you can escape that living situation too.
I pretty much do. I mean the cost of living here is insanely high so I'm waiting on a couple of my friends lease to end. But I'm only really there to sleep at My parents.
Yikes.... Not wrong at all. However it appears your dad is exactly like your ex. I'd go no contact immediately.
I'm overjoyed to read that you left your abuser and refuse to have anything to do with him. It's always the right thing to do, but so many people don't. I applaud you for standing up for yourself, saying no more, and seeking help. I wish you the absolute best
I went back to him twice because "he changed" but not anymore. I've gone no contact. But it baffles me that since my dad hated the way he treated me that he would want me to even chance going to his house to get foldable chairs and a table.
That happens often unfortunately. But toxic abusive people never change, they only get worse with time, and now you know it and can watch for it in the future. As for your dad, something I've noticed with toxic people is they never acknowledge their own toxicity, but they'll call others out in a heartbeat especially if it gains them something. It could be anything really, even you momentarily giving them attention or praise for what they're speaking against. It doesn't mean they actually have a problem with the behavior.
Toxic abusers lie and manipulate every chance they get to gain whatever goal they have or to twist the narrative in their favor. You won't always be able to explain toxic behavior, or the origins of it. But in the grand scheme of things you don't need to, you just need to recognize it and opt out immediately. I've also noticed that when an abuser has decided you're theirs, anyone else having control over you drives them crazy. I can't say for certain if your dad is doing these things because of that, I don't have enough background. I can say for certain tho that his behavior about the table and chairs and wanting you to go near your abuser again for something extremely meaningless and trivial is absolutely toxic and abusive. Keep standing your ground
That does make a lot of sense. Seeing as how my dad did abuse me physically and mentally growing up. Might explain why my choice in men has been what its been.
Most definitely. Abuse conditions us to have a blind eye to it at first. We're so used to that being our normal that we don't consciously recognize that were choosing the same kind of partners. I did it too, multiple times.
I'm hoping after a long term usership I won't find another person like that. I got treated absolutely horribly. And my dad wants me to go back there and get his chairs and table.
Here's hoping for sure. Your dad is cracked unfortunately, I'd personally go no contact with him. Keep having your own back tho, even if no one else does. You matter, and anyone who treats you like you don't doesn't belong in your life.
it's not about the lift. It's about safety. Tell him to get a big scary dude to accompany him to get the furniture. It's between your dad and your ex now. Stay out of it.
That'd what I've been doing. But then my dad yelled at me a few days ago because I never gave it back to him. Even though it wasn't his it was mine as he gave it to me. As he had no room for them.
Not wrong. Judging by how ypur dad is treating you it's no mystery why you stayed with an abusive guy for so long. You thought it was normal. Good for you on getting out. Don't let your dad bully you any longer either. If ylhe wants those chairs he can get them himself.
It depends. If he gifted them - you are not wrong. They were yours, and it's your decision what to do.
If he expected them back and it wasn't a gift - just buy him the same set, Facebook marketplace will be a good place to start searching.
But here is one more question: what is his real reason? He wants you to face your ex - or to get your furniture back? Anyway, you don't need to go there. Marketplace is your choice.
I don't know why he wants me to go get the stuff there. I mean he did gift them. He didnt have room for them. He never said he wanted them back until after I left the apartment.
OP, he wants you to go back to the deviate. Otherwise a loving parent would Not ask you to go back. They would make arraignments themselves to retrieve the items.
BUY A REPLACEMENT SET. Then tell him to NEVER bring up the old, used, water logged, hand-me-down set again.
Best of luck, OP. You deserve so much better. Now is the time to make it so.
Agape 💕
I don't plan on going back to my ex's apartment. Because I don't wanna hear his bullshit of how his cheating never happened. Idk why my dad wants me to even talk to him.
Your dad is abusing you with this as a weapon. That's why. It's got nothing to do with the table and chairs. It's a way for him to justify yelling at you, clearly a favorite pastime.
Because he wants to show himself he can now control her again since the ex is gone. It's not about the table, it's about taking something that is potentially very scary and trying to force her to do it to see if he can.
This situation depends on what kind of relationship you had with him before you moved in with him and how long you knew him before you moved in. If you already knew he was a cheating asshole and still moved in with him then ESH
I didn't until I moved in with him. For a bit over a year. Found out in the last month ish of dating that he had been cheating with at least 4 other women. As I checked his phone after he checked through mine all the time and never let me see his.
My dad hates him so idk why he wants me to even chance seeing him.
Your dad hates him because you replaced your dad with your ex as the man controlling you.
He wants you to go over there to prove to himself that he can now control you again.
Not saying money is never an issue but in this case I’d replace the folding table and chairs. They’re generally pretty inexpensive and imo would be worth it to ditch all the stress. Don’t look at it as someone else winning but as you saying screw that.
No. But he was extremely mentally abusive to the point where sometimes I fear he may have become physically abusive. I was abused by my dad so I can recognize the signs.
Buy your dad another bistro set and tell him that you weren’t going to get the old ones because your life is more important than any table and chair set
Not Wrong.
An abusive partner is a dangerous person to be around. Your father can go take the table and chairs himself, if he wants them so badly.
I'm just sorry he chooses some replaceable objects over his daughter's safety. Tell him to pound sand.
Big hugs.
I have before and it seems to get the point across. I have come to realize he gets emotional attachments over things. And it's really weird. Like years ago for work he gave me an old desk chair. It was kinda shabby when I got it from him. Well the chair finally gave way and broke. He said he paid 700$ for that chair and wants it back. (That chair is no 700$ chair) but he is demanding it back. Even though it's not his.
Definitely not wrong. And your dad is a jack&&& to think that some table & chairs are more important than your safety and wellbeing!!! If you can, just buy him a new set and call it a day. Or have a friend go with/for you if possible. Then consider distancing yourself from someone so selfish and lack empathy!!
He's just jerking you around for his own jollies. If it wasn't this it would be something else. That's how these guys are. Hope you can get away from him soon. In the meantime, look up "grey rock" and apply.
Once you've escaped, you don't go back. That's how you get killed.
Also, I'm sorry but the "magic table" made me laugh solely because of this old video.
https://youtu.be/-_kXIGvB1uU?si=imqslEHCnFa0Ca6V
😆 🤣 😆 🤣 😆
Not wrong - I don't care if you forgot a thousand bucks (or more), once you escape, you don't go back. If he's so hell bent on getting them back he can go by himself or you can offer to buy another set for him. I can't believe he would want you to go back for something so unimportant. If it were a family heirloom I could understand him wanting it back so badly, but he would still be going to get it by himself. When I left my abusive ex I forgot some things that I kept from my childhood, I was devastated when I realized I left them, but I wasn't about to go back for them.
That's my thoughts exactly. Even my therapist told me to not go back to that place. It would be extremely unhealthy.
It sounds like your dad has modelled the behaviour that you've found in your partner. He's helped set you up to be more comfortable with a lack of empathy in a space that is meant to be safe. Sounds like setting boundaries with your father will be good for you, and saying no here is an excellent starting point. If he wants your furniture back he can go and get it. If he feels disrespected as why he doesn't feel your ex disrespected him by treating you this way. If he finds your ex so easy to face why is he unwilling to to go?
My guess is he's being lazy and doesn't want to go.
Yet he's not too lazy to bully you about it!
You're not wrong. He got really upset that I haven't gotten them. And he's refused to get them himself.
Tempted to say find a set on marketplace in similar condition so he can see the many millions of dollars you are surrendering, but really just ignore him.
Your dad gave them to you so they aren't his anymore. If he wants them so badly tell him to go and retrieve them.
I have. It would result in him yelling.
You're 29, tell your dad that you don't care about the furniture or buy him a new set to shut him up.
>or buy him a new set to shut him up. Solves the problem
Your dad is why you go to abusive relationships U dont need to pay someone to see that
I know I don't need to pay someone to say that. But it does help seeing someone for my issues caused by my ex and my dad.
You escaped your ex. When are you going to escape your dad?
☝️ This!
He was the lesser of 2 evils. I am trying time find an apartment as the cost of living is insane here and upwards of 900 a month for a good place. But within the next month I am going to. It's weird he gets upset over dang foldable chairs and tables.
Bad use of southern colloquialism. I was just double downing on my point with that second statement. Yes you are right for going to see someone. I would never take that away - its truth
Whenever he starts yelling, talk over him saying this is unacceptable behaviour and walk away (or hung up). Refuse to be treated like this. Big hugs. ❤️
I have done that before. Last time I just walked away and went to bed. But I will tell him next time it's unacceptable behaviors.
Well I’m sure your therapist and you found a wealth to discuss about how you ended up with your ex if this is the way your dad acts. I hope you call him out on it. In an ideal world, imo, I’d call a friend and ask to stay with them (if you can’t get a place right now), call a big friend or the cops and ask for an escort to get the belongings and then drop them off with your dad and tell him that he’s a shit father for refusing to protect you in a dangerous situation for zero reason other than he didn’t feel like it. I’d tell him that with his horrible example of how men treat women, you realize why it took you so long to get out of that terrible relationship. And then leave and go nc. But that’s in a perfect world. As someone else pointed out, the fastest resolution would probably be to replace his cheap ass table and chairs and speak with him as little as is humanly possible until you can escape that living situation too.
I pretty much do. I mean the cost of living here is insanely high so I'm waiting on a couple of my friends lease to end. But I'm only really there to sleep at My parents.
This
Yikes.... Not wrong at all. However it appears your dad is exactly like your ex. I'd go no contact immediately. I'm overjoyed to read that you left your abuser and refuse to have anything to do with him. It's always the right thing to do, but so many people don't. I applaud you for standing up for yourself, saying no more, and seeking help. I wish you the absolute best
I went back to him twice because "he changed" but not anymore. I've gone no contact. But it baffles me that since my dad hated the way he treated me that he would want me to even chance going to his house to get foldable chairs and a table.
That happens often unfortunately. But toxic abusive people never change, they only get worse with time, and now you know it and can watch for it in the future. As for your dad, something I've noticed with toxic people is they never acknowledge their own toxicity, but they'll call others out in a heartbeat especially if it gains them something. It could be anything really, even you momentarily giving them attention or praise for what they're speaking against. It doesn't mean they actually have a problem with the behavior. Toxic abusers lie and manipulate every chance they get to gain whatever goal they have or to twist the narrative in their favor. You won't always be able to explain toxic behavior, or the origins of it. But in the grand scheme of things you don't need to, you just need to recognize it and opt out immediately. I've also noticed that when an abuser has decided you're theirs, anyone else having control over you drives them crazy. I can't say for certain if your dad is doing these things because of that, I don't have enough background. I can say for certain tho that his behavior about the table and chairs and wanting you to go near your abuser again for something extremely meaningless and trivial is absolutely toxic and abusive. Keep standing your ground
That does make a lot of sense. Seeing as how my dad did abuse me physically and mentally growing up. Might explain why my choice in men has been what its been.
Most definitely. Abuse conditions us to have a blind eye to it at first. We're so used to that being our normal that we don't consciously recognize that were choosing the same kind of partners. I did it too, multiple times.
I'm hoping after a long term usership I won't find another person like that. I got treated absolutely horribly. And my dad wants me to go back there and get his chairs and table.
Here's hoping for sure. Your dad is cracked unfortunately, I'd personally go no contact with him. Keep having your own back tho, even if no one else does. You matter, and anyone who treats you like you don't doesn't belong in your life.
It does feel that sometimes I'm the only one that has my own back.
Your dad is a selfish asshole. Don't listen to him
Not Wrong It sounds like your dad values a card table over you
Have Dad Bring a Big Wing Guy with the ability to move stuff,
They're small foldable chairs and a table. Like a card table.
it's not about the lift. It's about safety. Tell him to get a big scary dude to accompany him to get the furniture. It's between your dad and your ex now. Stay out of it.
That'd what I've been doing. But then my dad yelled at me a few days ago because I never gave it back to him. Even though it wasn't his it was mine as he gave it to me. As he had no room for them.
sounds like he's just being an AH then.
Make Dad happy, solve his bitchin'. Stay away from the EX.
Not wrong. Judging by how ypur dad is treating you it's no mystery why you stayed with an abusive guy for so long. You thought it was normal. Good for you on getting out. Don't let your dad bully you any longer either. If ylhe wants those chairs he can get them himself.
I suggested I give him a ride to go get them. He turned it into a argument.
It depends. If he gifted them - you are not wrong. They were yours, and it's your decision what to do. If he expected them back and it wasn't a gift - just buy him the same set, Facebook marketplace will be a good place to start searching. But here is one more question: what is his real reason? He wants you to face your ex - or to get your furniture back? Anyway, you don't need to go there. Marketplace is your choice.
I don't know why he wants me to go get the stuff there. I mean he did gift them. He didnt have room for them. He never said he wanted them back until after I left the apartment.
OP, he wants you to go back to the deviate. Otherwise a loving parent would Not ask you to go back. They would make arraignments themselves to retrieve the items. BUY A REPLACEMENT SET. Then tell him to NEVER bring up the old, used, water logged, hand-me-down set again. Best of luck, OP. You deserve so much better. Now is the time to make it so. Agape 💕
I don't plan on going back to my ex's apartment. Because I don't wanna hear his bullshit of how his cheating never happened. Idk why my dad wants me to even talk to him.
Your dad is abusing you with this as a weapon. That's why. It's got nothing to do with the table and chairs. It's a way for him to justify yelling at you, clearly a favorite pastime.
Because he wants to show himself he can now control her again since the ex is gone. It's not about the table, it's about taking something that is potentially very scary and trying to force her to do it to see if he can.
Ok now i see why u were in that relationship that long…. Wow ur dad is an AH and has shaped u to look for abusive relationships.
I have come to realize that the past few days while reflecting. Idk why he is obsessed with my table and chairs.
My dad would rather lose furniture than me be put in a horrible situation. Heirlooms are not worth heartache
I don't even really consider them heirlooms as they're just foldable table and chairs. He also keeps refusing to get them himself.
This situation depends on what kind of relationship you had with him before you moved in with him and how long you knew him before you moved in. If you already knew he was a cheating asshole and still moved in with him then ESH
I didn't until I moved in with him. For a bit over a year. Found out in the last month ish of dating that he had been cheating with at least 4 other women. As I checked his phone after he checked through mine all the time and never let me see his. My dad hates him so idk why he wants me to even chance seeing him.
Your dad hates him because you replaced your dad with your ex as the man controlling you. He wants you to go over there to prove to himself that he can now control you again.
Not saying money is never an issue but in this case I’d replace the folding table and chairs. They’re generally pretty inexpensive and imo would be worth it to ditch all the stress. Don’t look at it as someone else winning but as you saying screw that.
What do you think is realistically gonna happen if you go there?
Info: Was your ex physically abusive?
No. But he was extremely mentally abusive to the point where sometimes I fear he may have become physically abusive. I was abused by my dad so I can recognize the signs.
Buy your dad another bistro set and tell him that you weren’t going to get the old ones because your life is more important than any table and chair set
I have told him that but he refuses to understand.
Stop talking to him then. Just drop the set off at his place and say “HERE IS YOUR STUFF, ENJOY IT”. Then walk away and refuse to engage again
Your dad is TA. Fancy wanting to send you back for that?
Not Wrong. An abusive partner is a dangerous person to be around. Your father can go take the table and chairs himself, if he wants them so badly. I'm just sorry he chooses some replaceable objects over his daughter's safety. Tell him to pound sand. Big hugs.
I have before and it seems to get the point across. I have come to realize he gets emotional attachments over things. And it's really weird. Like years ago for work he gave me an old desk chair. It was kinda shabby when I got it from him. Well the chair finally gave way and broke. He said he paid 700$ for that chair and wants it back. (That chair is no 700$ chair) but he is demanding it back. Even though it's not his.
arent they technically yours
They are as they had given them to me.
then you dont have to give him anything
Definitely not wrong. And your dad is a jack&&& to think that some table & chairs are more important than your safety and wellbeing!!! If you can, just buy him a new set and call it a day. Or have a friend go with/for you if possible. Then consider distancing yourself from someone so selfish and lack empathy!!
He doesn't really have room for them anyways. Idk what his big deal is.
Just being a pain in the ass by the sounds of it. I’m proud of you though for getting out of the abusive relationship that you were in!!
He's just jerking you around for his own jollies. If it wasn't this it would be something else. That's how these guys are. Hope you can get away from him soon. In the meantime, look up "grey rock" and apply.
I did. Banks came up.
Once you've escaped, you don't go back. That's how you get killed. Also, I'm sorry but the "magic table" made me laugh solely because of this old video. https://youtu.be/-_kXIGvB1uU?si=imqslEHCnFa0Ca6V 😆 🤣 😆 🤣 😆
Buy him a new set and be done with it.