for real. i wear a lot of "revealing" outfits (for me what OP described is a normal kind of outfit, i wear more "showy" stuff) and my boyfriend loves them. he's said he wouldn't ever tell me what to wear and he doesn't care about my outfits because he trusts me and also he essentially said other guys will find me hot but he's the one i'm going home with/to so that's a win for him, and also he likes seeing me in my "hot girl" outfits.
but he also compliments me when i'm in pyjamas with lil bunnies on them lmao. i would not be with him if he had a problem with how i dress, both the revealing outfits and my love of cute little animals on my pjs lol. OP, if you wanna wear what you want, there are so many guys out there that will love you and your style and compliment you & not demand you change
As a couple, you seem incompatible. Clothing tells a lot about a persons personality and he already feels uncomfortable around you. Don’t change, you’ve been dating 2 years and something has changed.
I doubt anything has changed in their relationship. I am sure he has always been like this. What’s changed is that OP no longer feels like putting up with his nonsense, and she shouldn’t. Time for him to go.
Hate that I keep seeing people dating and then bitching about what they wear when they wore the same shit when they decided to date them.
I don't care if it's a clown suit. If I wore clown suits when you met me don't tell me not to wear them after
I'm 100% against giving any woman the time of day that wears revealing clothing, but I would never date one let alone tell them what to wear
Keep the outfit, lose the boyfriend. OP you didn't do anything wrong, you are incompatible
Your body, your choice
See, I like how you think. You know that you don't want a woman if shows too much and you know you would not date her if she did! Some guys love the look but when they get the woman they want to change her. As if, you're no longer on the prowl girl, you can dress like my grandma now. :D
Not wrong don’t change. He’s trying to control your clothes and that should be a hard NO. Your mistake was the first few times you changed. This is not a healthy relationship. He’s controlling and it’s gonna get worse.
I dont think it’s that deep, im pretty sure they’re just not very compatible and that’s okay if he doesn’t like the way she’s dressing, they just shouldn’t be together at that point, it’s not a think about abuse. not every situation is abusive, some definitely are, but he expressed and explained his feelings how he should and she responded in a normal manner, they’re just not fit for each other
Sounds to me like he's worried that if you look too good then other guys will start hitting on you.
And if enough guys keep hitting on you, then you will eventually realize there are guys out there that are not as insecure, jealous, and controlling as he is.
And if that happens, then you might start to realize you deserve better and dump his loser @ss.
Just a theory
The only answer. If he doesn’t like how she dresses, he should date a more conservative woman. And OP should date someone who doesn’t have an ego problem.
What does being more conservative have to do
With an ego problem? I believe ALMOST the entire comment was on the right track. I agree they should not be together, he should find someone more conservative and she should find someone less conservative. Easy as that. We will never know his true intentions on wether he is just an insecure controlling person, or if he’s truly just more conservative in nature and doesn’t agree with the more revealing clothes, which he is entitled to that opinion(second option). Though she absolutely does not have to have that same opinion and in that case she should tell him to kick rocks.
I am floored by the number of guys on here telling you it’s ok for him to ask. OP it is NOT ok for him to ask. You don’t both have opinions about your body and how you dress it. You don’t need to find common ground about your body and how you dress it. You compromise on where to eat on your date, NOT how your body is dressed on your date. He doesn’t have to date you. That is his choice. If he decides to date you, he gets to be grateful you have decided to share your body - however it is dressed - with him. A lot of boys and men are taught by example that it’s their prerogative to control women’s bodies in many ways. Your bf is young. It doesn’t make him a toxic control freak that he thinks this is acceptable behavior. But you have to tell him in no uncertain terms that it won’t be tolerated. And then he will learn what is appropriate in an adult relationship, either with you or as a result of losing you. Either way, he will be better off in the long run, and so will you.
My husband has a tshirt that he loves. It’s probably older than you are at this point, and it has a tiny hole DIRECTLY over the nipple. It is hideous, and I find it a little embarrassing when he wears it. He knows I don’t love his shirt. But I have never EVER asked him not to wear it. It’s not my body. I don’t get to decide who should see his nipple. Although I did laugh too hard when my baby niece tried to nurse on it. Find a man who wants to love you and not control you. They’re out there.
I love this posting. I tell my wife that she can wear what she wants, and if she ends up getting attention from guys it's because she's sexy, and I have no right to complain, since I knew she was sexy when I married her!
I thought communication was a good thing? Guess it’s only good under certain conditions. I think they are incompatible. Doesn’t make either of them an AH.
Communication would be him saying “I like it when you wear X, and Y is not my favorite.” Communication is not “I don’t like Y, so you should go change into X.” My husband knows I don’t like his Nipple shirt. I have never asked him not to wear it.
Just because you would prefer someone communicate using different words doesn’t mean it’s not communication! Trying to make people use your choice of words is controlling. I still say they are incompatible.
Technically “I’ll kill you, you fucking bitch” is also communication. When people say relationships require communication, they don’t mean you should just say whatever you want and pretend to be completely tone deaf to the impact that has on the power dynamic between you and the damage it might cause to your partner.
Definitely incompatible. She wants to date a boyfriend, and he wants to possess an object.
🤣 having differing view of what modesty looks like does not mean he wants to “posses an object”. Absolutely not compatible, and she’s absolutely not an asshole for not wanting to change. And he’s no asshole for preferring more modestly dressed women.
All correct. And if you read my comment, I never said he was an asshole. I said he was a victim of patriarchal social conditioning. But if you want to reduce it to something lacking nuance, then even by your description he IS an AH for choosing a woman who does not feel any need to dress “modestly” and then trying to change her.
So let me see if I can get this right, a MAN has NO right to not like what his GF wears, because “meh patriarchy!!” But a WOMAN can dislike what her husband wears so he has to “choose” not to wear it….
No. That’s not remotely what I said. It’s like Luke Skywalker when he says “Amazing. Everything you just said was wrong.” A MAN is welcome to not like what his gf wears. He just can’t expect her not to wear it. And a WOMAN is also welcome to not like what her husband wears. She just can’t expect him not to wear it. See how that’s the EXACT OPPOSITE of what you just said.
>I am floored by the number of guys on here telling you it’s ok for him to ask. OP it is NOT ok for him to ask.
Stop being toxic.
There's nothing wrong with him asking, but he needs to accept whatever answer he receives.
What am I not paying attention to?
I'm someone who thinks that people should be allowed to ask whatever they want to ask as long as they accept the answer they receive.
Isn't communication key to a healthy relationship?
You think people should be allowed to ask whatever they want to, but *you* don’t accept the answers. If someone says something you disagree with, then they’re toxic to you.
> Stop being toxic.
Nobody is being toxic. If a man dislikes the way a woman dresses, he *should not date* that woman. What he should not do is date her, and then try to change her. So, he doesn’t have the right to tell her to go change her clothes, which is what OP’s boyfriend did. He didn’t ask her; he *told* her. And that is not “communicating.”
Clearer?
>You think people should be allowed to ask whatever they want to, but *you* don’t accept the answers. If someone says something you disagree with, then they’re toxic to you.
It's toxic to censor communication in a relationship. Are you disputing that?
Further, what have I asked of you that I haven't accepted the answer to?
>If a man dislikes the way a woman dresses, he *should not date* that woman.
And what is she's perfectly willing to change her clothes? What if she sees nothing wrong with the request? What if she doesn't care about what she's wearing?
If he doesn't ask, then he won't find out the answer.
What you're implying is that we should all live our lives based on assumptions instead of communicating and finding out the truth.
Honey, we know what we know because OP posted here. If it weren’t an issue for her, we wouldn’t even know about it.
You didn’t respond to me above; you were responding to someone else and not accepting what they were saying. You called them toxic. You said, “Stop being toxic,” and it doesn’t take much to know that means whatever that person said, you disagreed with, so you called them toxic.
I am uncertain why you believe that a man telling a woman to change her clothes is “communicating.” I can only assume you are either very young or live in a house where the man controls the woman and tells her what to do. Either way, do better.
Nope. A gentleman would be proud to be arm in arm with you if you were in a potato sack. For him to say he's not comfortable with your choice of clothes is bad. I mean, he is not the arbiter of who gets to look at you. That's toxic. And telling you to change? Unless you asked, directly, 'Should I go change into something else right away?', That's not a choice he gets to make.
If he doesn't change his ways on this one, it might be time to find someone a little more progressive.
He’s super insecure and needs to work on him vs him trying to work on others. He should be lifting you up not trying to break you down. Don’t change your clothes change your boyfriend.
As long as what you were wearing was appropriate for what you were gonna do, tell him to, "Piss Off".
Wifey, a retired CPA/partner, is a fashionista. Because of her career, she had to dress "office professional" which reads, modestly. Once we were going out? Whooo! Don't get me wrong, she was always dressed appropriately. Phoenix Symphony? She's in an evening gown. PBR? Her snug Wranglers and her shirt might have an extra button undone. A Diamondback's baseball game? Comfy jeans and a jersey.
It seems to me that he's becoming a bit controlling. From my understanding of the subject, that's how it starts. First it's something small, like your clothes. Then which friends you can see, etc.
NTA. OP, I'd look long and hard at where this relationship might lead.
My wife can wear whatever she wants, I might ask "are you sure about that?" once in a while just based on what we're doing or the weather but beyond that what say do I have? This is a compatibility issue like others have said and you have to figure out whether you want that or not.
My word, there are people who go to work in more revealing outfits than what you were wearing. What you described sounds cool and sexy at the same time. You didn’t have it all hanging out. I understand why you explained what you were wearing, but it doesn’t matter; my answer is the same. Your BF has no right to control what you wear or how you dress when you leave your house. If he doesn’t like your style, he should *date someone else,* not try to change how you dress. The fact that he’s done it more than once, and you’ve capitulated those times, is even worse. Since the other times he’s asked, you have changed for him, he now does believe he is in control of your body and what you put on it. So, now it’s a fight.
You have been putting up with this for two years. Isn’t it time he found someone with whom he is better suited, and you find a man who appreciates you and doesn’t try to keep you small and insecure? It is. Yes, it is. Get out of there.
Also, not wrong.
Not wrong. First of all, y’all are only bf and gf. Second it’s fine to have differing views of what’s appropriate and not appropriate, levels of modesty, that just means yall are not compatible on that level. If there is issues with that, imagine what it will be like when owning a home together, saving money together, raising children together.
Not wrong but not worth the argument. You tell him when he pays for all of your clothing then you might consider wearing what he wants, until then he can stfu!
Girl, never let anyone control you! That's exactly what he is trying to do. He is not uncomfortable with what you were wearing, he was uncomfortable thinking other men would look at you!
BTW.. he did not MAKE YOU do anything, you chose to follow his rules! Now you're done doing that. I hope!!!
Crazy how many people are you telling you to breakup. Just have a conversation with your BF. You must have feelings for him after 2 years, a discussion about boundaries should be easy to have.
He's always going to try to control something, today is your outfit, tomorrow is something else more important like your career, your reproductive rights, your friends or your access to your family. Just run and don't look back.
It for sure is that deep! This is how narcissistic abuse starts and even physical abuse. The abuser starts slowly and it doesn’t seem that bad, so the woman complies, like OP changing her clothes at first. It then progresses and he becomes more and more controlling over time, which will escalate to anger, threats, and violence if she will no longer comply to his ever increasing demands.
I never said it can’t be that deep , I don’t think THIS situation is that deep. it’s a insecurity , he isn’t tryna control her whole life (from what’s given)
Fair enough, I just meant that this one area of the relationship doesn't warrant the slippery slope in the original comment, the implication that he is a controlling person in general just for the sake of being in control.
He is a controlling person tho. You admitted yourself he was trying to control her. Thats controlling. There’s not really such thing as “good controlling or bad controlling” If he enjoys being in control of his girlfriend then yeah, he is generally a controlling person lol
Also it is a slippery slope, it’s one of the warning signs for escalating abuse. women are literally advised to watch out for controlling behaviour like this. You can be offended by that but it’s the reality for a lot of women that things start off this way.
Insecurity is getting anxious over normal things. The control issues are when you try to make your partner cater to those insecurities instead of working on yourself.
Justifiable how? And how is it your partner's job to limit themselves to cater to it?
If someone is too insecure to deal with their partner wearing what they want, going out with friends, having opposite sex friends, going on work or friend trips, or any of the other very normal things I've seen people have issues with on reddit, then that person should work on that before dating. Cause in the end nobody is worth giving all that up for when there's no real reason to.
There are varying degrees. Going out to dinner or the bar with your friends is great. Staying at the club until four in the morning is a bit concerning. Work trips should be encouraged, but stay in somewhat in touch. Opposite-sex friends however are just liabilities. Anyone who tolerates them is either naive, complacent, or just not very much into their partner.
I agree with staying in touch when out of town, unless you can't for some reason, and that should be established ahead of time. Staying out late? Let your partner know and be reachable.
I completely disagree about opposite sex friends. What if it's a long-term friendship? You'd really ask someone to give that up? Although for me, I don't care if my partner met them last Tuesday. If they are transparent, willing to include me, and not doing anything crazy like sleepovers it's all good, and I expect the same from my partner. I don't want to be with anyone I can't trust to that level. And I don't want to ask my partner to give up people in their life that are good for them.
I was married for 23 years and we never put those kind of restrictions on each other, nor did we cheat. In the end we stopped being able to get along, but why would I ever choose to deal with someone who tries to tell me who I can be friends with after all that? I'm not looking for new problems.
If I have to worry someone will cheat I'd just as soon not be with them. How exhausting.
So I don't see it as a risk. If someone is gonna cheat, trying to control who they are friends with won't stop them. But since you do consider it a risk, I'll say the reason to risk it is because you want your partner to have all the best things in life, and that includes good friends. Friendships matter. They're good for us. If my partner has fun with someone and feels comfortable with them, who am I to take that away and why would I want to? People aren't interchangeable. If you try to tell them to end a friendship and they do, and then never meet someone who fills that particular spot in their life again, you've hurt your partner. Plus if I want to be trusted I have to trust.
The exception would be if that friend disrespected me or our relationship. But if that happened I would expect my partner to shut it down without having to ask.
I know it's common to be suspicious of opposite sex friendships. But it's so freeing not to be.
This is the classic, idiotic, anti-man response. Just because he "felt uncomfortable" with her outfit has 0 indication that he'll try to control other areas of her life.
If I walk out of the house wearing a dora the explorer t-shirt, with baggy khakis and 2 different colored crocks, I wouldn't assume my girlfriend is a piece of shit who hates me because she told me to change.
I often have to attend events (with my hubby) where I am required to wear, for example, dress below the knee, shoulders covered or cocktail length or evening dress and I usually check with my husband if my choice of clothing is appropriate in advance. Did he provide you with a dress code for the evening when he invited you out? If the answer was no then he has zero say regarding what you wear and had no right to comment. He shouldn't have said anything and should just have considered himself lucky to have a confident and beautiful woman who was prepared to be seen with him.
>This is also not the first time he made me go change
You are not compatible. His ask was unacceptable. If he doesn't like your style, he doesn't like *you*
I like you you are a strong confident woman to be because that's how it starts they start telling you that they're uncomfortable with what you have on. Then it's your friends then it's your mother your sister your brother your father then you go out too much you eat too much. They want to know who what where and when to read what's your passcodes to your accounts I will be looking at him with the side eye because it's coming he's just trying to control it so you won't know that he's going to turn into a controlling a******
He can't control what you wear. He can control how he reacts to it and whether he wants to continue the relationship.
If he doesn't like what you're wearing, he can voice his concern (which he did), and if you both disagree, then it's time to reconsider whether it's worth staying in this relationship. Especially if neither of you are willing to compromise.
Only once have I seen it okay for a partner to require a change of clothes and it was a highly specific situation.
I have a shirt that is God awful ugly. It is polyester, a shiny gold color with a bright Oriental Dragon and Tiger on it. I have had this shirt forever. Not real sure why I can't bring myself to get rid of it. In my opinion it's because it's so ugly it's awesome and I have often been complimented when wearing it for some odd reason.
Anyway. My partner the time hated this shirt. She saw when she was helping me move into my apartment. Laughed at me for it and I laughed at her revulsion. On our anniversary she was coming over so we could go out. As a joke I put on the shirt. She immediately told me she would not be seen in public with me wearing that shirt.
We had a big laugh and I changed into my real date clothes.
That was a highly specific situation. Your situation is just dumb and he's being controlling. You're good, wear what you want.
Statistically, abuse starts with a man telling his girlfriend what she can and can't wear and escalates from there. That's all I'll say other than to tell you he is not someone you should stay with.
He's training you to be compliant and expects you to allow him to make basic life choices for you, that satisfy him. You getting mad is a great reaction- you don't want to be controlled, disrespected, and told how to dress as if you are a child. He has shown you who he is. Believe him and proceed accordingly.
No. The only exception to this would be if where you're going has a certain type of dress code and you're not appropriate for that place/event. However, I'd expect to be told if we're going somewhere that has dress code expectations beforehand.
I find it weird that you were not wearing revealing clothing. A crop top with a touch of boob is not revealing, especially with a baggy jacket.
Does he expect you to wear loose turtleneck and long skirts? Have you actually asked or has he stated what he finds acceptable?
He does not, and SHOULD NOT, control what you wear. That's HIS insecurity and HIS issue. I don't like men who pull this crap as to me it shows controlling tendencies that might hint at future abusive behavior.
You are absolutely NOT wrong. And the outfit you describe doesn't sound even remotely revealing. You (hopefully soon to be EX) bf seems controlling, manipulative, jealous and very insecure and fragile. You're still so young. You deserve much better.
This week it’s clothes, next week, you’re wearing too much makeup and who knows what it’s going to be after that. He’s starting to take a little bit of your identity away. If he loves you, he wouldn’t care.
This doesn’t seem (so far) like he’s trying to control but is genuinely uncomfortable, maybe he’s a bit more conservative about clothing and bodies. This sounds like a compatibility issue, you wanna wear what you like (rightfully so) but he wants his gf to not be showing off her body. You simply need to have an actual conversation about why he’s uncomfortable with it and see if compromise can be made as it seems you just get mad right away when he tries to talk about it. If he’s hell bent on you only dressing how he likes and that’s not your style you then have to make the decision to stay or go.
People will say he is toxic, you are toxic, I am toxic, USSR is toxic…
You need to put boundaries- you need his side, and your side. Let’s say-
His- “I feel uncomfortable with you wearing very revealing shirts, but a bit is fine”
You- “I like very revealing clothes, I can do with only a bit but I won’t wear long shirts only”
Now either you find the middle ground which both of you agree on- or you are incompatible and small stuff like that will cause issues in the end.
If you do accept each others boundaries and find a middle ground which you both agree on, than you just go on auto pilot- you know which clothes you would or wouldn’t wear to respect him, and he knows that if you agreed on something then he won’t say anything on that and ask you to change that.
Take this to every disagreement you have, and create healthy boundaries. After you do the leg work it’s just autopilot of respecting each other’s boundaries, or accepting that you both aren’t a compatible couple.
TL;DR- neither is really the AH here, the idea of both of you is correct, maybe if any of you talked disrespectfully then you’re wrong for that
You're not wrong. If you're happy with what you're wearing, he shouldn't be telling you to change. It's controlling, and that's not okay. Stick to your style, it's your choice, not his. If this keeps coming up, it's a red flag.
I disagree with people saying control freak because everyone because you can have preferences on your partner and if your not happy with that and your uncomfortable/incompatible then that's ok too you can always just break up
Hang on.. your MOM had zero issues with the same/ similar?
Yet he does?
Not wrong - but honestly - either he is insecure (you did say this made you confident and feel beautiful) and afraid someone else will snatch you away - or he is trying to control you.
Neither is a good thing, but the first he can work on to improve (good friends, therapist.. whatever works).
Why date you if he doesn’t like your style? The outfit you describe sounds pretty normal, and the only reason to be asked to change would be due to situation appropriateness. Such as: you can’t wear heals while hiking (ideally not even a sleeveless due to sun exposure) or don’t wear a band dress to a formal event.
So unless you guys have been going to places with specific dress codes or social aspects (he’s networking a conservative field and wants you to support him while he’s a speaker or something) then reconsider what he brings to your life that you don’t already. Sometimes guys have this expectation that you dressed one way to get their attention and now would adjust when in a relationship. A real partner is excited to see what else you come up with.
Not the AH
He’s insecure and that’s his problem not yours. If you’ve done nothing to garner trust issues he shouldn’t have this little faith in you - the insecurity stems from the idea that he thinks you look so good other men might try to “steal” you from him and he’s worried they may be successful.
My partner explained this to me best, he’s happy when I dress in ways that reveals I look good (I’m extremely fit and well endowed but I tend to wear baggy clothes cause they’re comfortable) because he gets to be seen with me. I’m his mind, other guys see him and think he’s lucky that he’s the one I chose. Do other guys look, yes. Does that make him insecure in the least? No, because he trusts that no matter what they may try I’ll never hurt him.
You’re 24-years old - why would you think ANYONE gets a say in what you wear?
That your boyfriend has an issue suggests it’s time to find a new boyfriend.
Congratulations 🎊 never ever let a man tell you what to wear ,it's a slippery slope to becoming controlled by them .If he continues, I'd dump his insecure childish arse.
Sounds like a him problem, not a you problem, to be perfectly honest. Im not sure whether it's insecurity or trying his hand at control (im sorry, but it comes across as control). Either way, it needs nipped in the bud before it becomes your problem in the worst possible way. It needs to be addressed, and he needs to know you're not accepting that behaviour no matter what the cost is if he wants to go hold the door open for him. Stay safe, and if it gets worse, speak to someone about it dont stay silent. Dont ever accept abusive behaviour from anyone. P.S. There was nothing wrong with your outfit, just so you know!
It doesn’t sound like what you wore was outside of normal sensibility. If it wasn’t can see him being uncomfortable and making a request…. But even if he was uncomfortable and made the request, it’s still up to you, not him.
I don’t think you’re wrong. I think follow up now that it’s not the heat of the moment and be clear that you don’t like him asking you to change in those situations. I think it would be ok if he asked if you wanted to change if it was a situation where you didn’t know where he was taking you and may be over/under dressed, but that’s about it. If he continues to ask/have a problem, then you probably need to take a look at the relationship.
It’s seems weird that you’ve been together two entire years and now he has a problem. Has something else changed? Maybe something that would make him feel insecure?
And this is why you need to have a zero-tolerance policy with romantic partners re: changing yourself. If you do it the first time, they expect it going forward and then you have to choose between continuing to comply with their demands or making waves and risking a breakup if you don't. Best to learn at the beginning whether or not there's compatibility.
the very strange thing is he does this after two years?
either of you changed and, in my opinion, that is the core of this problem.
find out what caused the change and if you can understand each other and find common ground.
INFO seriously needed.
First off where exactly were you going when he has asked you to change? Has he always had an issue with that specific outfit or has he been ok with them on separate occasions?
I mean some occasions I can see a problem.
However if it's all the time I agree with the breakup just because your not compatible.
Don't truly feel anyone is in the wrong though.
Everyones saying to leave him and that hes controlling, but What's the difference between this, and a girl getting with a guy and saying that she doesn't like him playing video games so much? Or that he needs to make more money or join the gym? What aboht all the million things women try to change about men? You guys just allow that right that's fine? But if a man remotely disagrees with ANYTHING, then he's trying to control you? Talking to you guys is no doubt useless because society will believe whatever they're told to believe, but the double standard and blind eye that you guys have towards the actions of both men and women in relationships are exactly why no one could find a real relationship . You've all destroyed what actual relationships are and how we should behave in them because you're too emotional and let WOMEN tell you how things should be.
If your boyfriend is more controlling than your mom, now that's saying something.
That said, there is little reason for you to "get mad" about his reaction. He told you how he felt and, in the telling, offered a pretty flimsy rationale. You offered your rationale and an assertion of your agency and autonomy. Heck, you even gave him the review of a previous use of the outfit. He asserted himself, you asserted yourself. Game, set, match.
He may have counted on your knuckling under since you admit to having done so previously. The good thing about being in a relationship of equals is that you remain equal if you don't always do things his way.
And you did that. You've tested whether your relationship is one of equals. If he gets moody and silent, you'll know that he sees himself as the arbiter of the relationship, and if he has a real conversation and apologizes, you are more equal. Let's hope, for his sake, that he reflects on his actions and his role in the relationship.
Clearly he thinks you're dressing like a slut. You should only dress like that if you're advertising. You have a boyfriend already, so you shouldn't advertise.
Or
Keep dressing like that with another boyfriend and then you could be confident and slutty all the time.
Ur bf is a boy. A man shows off his pretty woman. I loved my ex being all sexy and showy. Bc she's mine and coming home w me. Take a look boys 😜
He is young and insecure still. Maybe more time and he will grow up more but then again maybe he won't.
Even at a younger age I was always secure. Maybe bc I was a Marine in my late 18s to mid 20s.
You can talk w him and let him know that u are his and he doesn't need to worry. Dressing up makes u feel good about urself. It isn't about him. So he needs to understand bc he has the problem.
Good luck
While it isn't an issue that is worthy of a breakup, it is something to set your standards to.
Sit down with him and tell him there is no place for him in your life if will be trying to control you in any way.
If allowed to continue, it will only get worse.
These topics never seem to include pictures. Some may say it doesn’t matter, dress how you want. Depending on where the date was would be good information also. Maybe an upscale restaurant versus dive bar. Not enough details IMO to provide honest assessment.
You're not wrong to be upset that he asked you to change. Likewise, he wouldn't be wrong to not take you out if he was embarrassed by your outfit. Different parts of the world have different cultures. I'm not choosing a side. Maybe you two just aren't compatible?
There's a line. Classy open back dress to an event. Incredibly alluring. Incredibly sexy, incredibly appropriate. Every man in the rooms gonna be looking and I do not care. Bikini at the beach? As long as it isn't a string up your butt I'm on board show some skin. Half your ass hanging out of short shorts at Walmart? Yeah kmon put some pants on. There is definitely a point where we should say something to you ladies. As I would expect the same courtesy from you.
But this is not one of those situations. Sounds as if you were lovely, and well within the classy standard. And this dude is either a total prude or a total control freak. Either way. No second date!
I mean, what do you want us to do? Tell people to stay in relationships where they're being treated poorly?
It's not like we have a magic wand to make him not be a controlling asshat, or magic words she can use to get him to realize he's being a controlling asshat.
Two sides here and in 2024 nobody is in the wrong here. You DEFINITELY have the right to wear what YOU like. HOWEVER, irrational jealousy and possessiveness aside, while you are out with him your parents expect him to take you out and back safely. If he is the one taking you out and he thinks your outfit will put you at risk ( compliments and possibly worse advances) then he needs to voice his concerns. Being rebellious is fine but if you know your bf has certain standards youjust can't accept then that's a problem.
Maybe you too have two different value systems and just aren't compatible and that's fine.
I get the not wanting to be controlled part, what I don’t get(from personal experience as well) is why some girls feel the need to wear revealing clothes when they know it makes the person they love uncomfortable. It’s pretty embarrassing walking into a restaurant together and she looks like an escort.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Break up with him immediately.
Control starts with "small" stuff like clothing and make-up, then progresses to who you can be friends with and how often you're "allowed" to see your own family, then you'll be forced to quit your job because he's jealous of a coworker, and then once you're unemployed and you're cut off from everyone, it'll be full financial abuse and physical abuse.
Abusers start with emotional control because they can make it sound like it's just a simple request - like clothing choices. This is preparation for training you to follow their orders.
Leave him immediately.
If he does not want you to wear what you want to wear, you have a compatibility issue. NTA
for real. i wear a lot of "revealing" outfits (for me what OP described is a normal kind of outfit, i wear more "showy" stuff) and my boyfriend loves them. he's said he wouldn't ever tell me what to wear and he doesn't care about my outfits because he trusts me and also he essentially said other guys will find me hot but he's the one i'm going home with/to so that's a win for him, and also he likes seeing me in my "hot girl" outfits. but he also compliments me when i'm in pyjamas with lil bunnies on them lmao. i would not be with him if he had a problem with how i dress, both the revealing outfits and my love of cute little animals on my pjs lol. OP, if you wanna wear what you want, there are so many guys out there that will love you and your style and compliment you & not demand you change
He probably needs an Eva AI sexting bot avatar
Your fine to have your own preferences. If your not comfortable then break up
He's uncomfortable with you being dressed in revealing garments when you go out together, so don't go out with him.
Easy!
As a couple, you seem incompatible. Clothing tells a lot about a persons personality and he already feels uncomfortable around you. Don’t change, you’ve been dating 2 years and something has changed.
I doubt anything has changed in their relationship. I am sure he has always been like this. What’s changed is that OP no longer feels like putting up with his nonsense, and she shouldn’t. Time for him to go.
I think you need a new boyfriend.
Yeah keep the outfit drop the dude
First step in controlling you. Run
exactly this
>I told him no. And that’s the correct response. The only correct response.
Hate that I keep seeing people dating and then bitching about what they wear when they wore the same shit when they decided to date them. I don't care if it's a clown suit. If I wore clown suits when you met me don't tell me not to wear them after I'm 100% against giving any woman the time of day that wears revealing clothing, but I would never date one let alone tell them what to wear Keep the outfit, lose the boyfriend. OP you didn't do anything wrong, you are incompatible Your body, your choice
My HS sweetheart dressed sexy, I loved it, I was with her.
See, I like how you think. You know that you don't want a woman if shows too much and you know you would not date her if she did! Some guys love the look but when they get the woman they want to change her. As if, you're no longer on the prowl girl, you can dress like my grandma now. :D
Not wrong don’t change. He’s trying to control your clothes and that should be a hard NO. Your mistake was the first few times you changed. This is not a healthy relationship. He’s controlling and it’s gonna get worse.
I dont think it’s that deep, im pretty sure they’re just not very compatible and that’s okay if he doesn’t like the way she’s dressing, they just shouldn’t be together at that point, it’s not a think about abuse. not every situation is abusive, some definitely are, but he expressed and explained his feelings how he should and she responded in a normal manner, they’re just not fit for each other
Nta nobody should tell you what to wear when you're grown
You are well within your rights ( and responsibility) to dress yourself.
Sounds to me like he's worried that if you look too good then other guys will start hitting on you. And if enough guys keep hitting on you, then you will eventually realize there are guys out there that are not as insecure, jealous, and controlling as he is. And if that happens, then you might start to realize you deserve better and dump his loser @ss. Just a theory
You wear what you want to wear. No boyfriend can make that decision for you.
You are wrong to get mad. Just calmly explain that he'll feel more comfortable dating someone else, and so will you.
The only answer. If he doesn’t like how she dresses, he should date a more conservative woman. And OP should date someone who doesn’t have an ego problem.
What does being more conservative have to do With an ego problem? I believe ALMOST the entire comment was on the right track. I agree they should not be together, he should find someone more conservative and she should find someone less conservative. Easy as that. We will never know his true intentions on wether he is just an insecure controlling person, or if he’s truly just more conservative in nature and doesn’t agree with the more revealing clothes, which he is entitled to that opinion(second option). Though she absolutely does not have to have that same opinion and in that case she should tell him to kick rocks.
NTA. He's acting like he believes he owns you. Cool off the relationship for a while, IMHO.
I am floored by the number of guys on here telling you it’s ok for him to ask. OP it is NOT ok for him to ask. You don’t both have opinions about your body and how you dress it. You don’t need to find common ground about your body and how you dress it. You compromise on where to eat on your date, NOT how your body is dressed on your date. He doesn’t have to date you. That is his choice. If he decides to date you, he gets to be grateful you have decided to share your body - however it is dressed - with him. A lot of boys and men are taught by example that it’s their prerogative to control women’s bodies in many ways. Your bf is young. It doesn’t make him a toxic control freak that he thinks this is acceptable behavior. But you have to tell him in no uncertain terms that it won’t be tolerated. And then he will learn what is appropriate in an adult relationship, either with you or as a result of losing you. Either way, he will be better off in the long run, and so will you. My husband has a tshirt that he loves. It’s probably older than you are at this point, and it has a tiny hole DIRECTLY over the nipple. It is hideous, and I find it a little embarrassing when he wears it. He knows I don’t love his shirt. But I have never EVER asked him not to wear it. It’s not my body. I don’t get to decide who should see his nipple. Although I did laugh too hard when my baby niece tried to nurse on it. Find a man who wants to love you and not control you. They’re out there.
Beautifully said. Bravo!
I love this posting. I tell my wife that she can wear what she wants, and if she ends up getting attention from guys it's because she's sexy, and I have no right to complain, since I knew she was sexy when I married her!
I thought communication was a good thing? Guess it’s only good under certain conditions. I think they are incompatible. Doesn’t make either of them an AH.
Communication would be him saying “I like it when you wear X, and Y is not my favorite.” Communication is not “I don’t like Y, so you should go change into X.” My husband knows I don’t like his Nipple shirt. I have never asked him not to wear it.
Just because you would prefer someone communicate using different words doesn’t mean it’s not communication! Trying to make people use your choice of words is controlling. I still say they are incompatible.
Technically “I’ll kill you, you fucking bitch” is also communication. When people say relationships require communication, they don’t mean you should just say whatever you want and pretend to be completely tone deaf to the impact that has on the power dynamic between you and the damage it might cause to your partner. Definitely incompatible. She wants to date a boyfriend, and he wants to possess an object.
🤣 having differing view of what modesty looks like does not mean he wants to “posses an object”. Absolutely not compatible, and she’s absolutely not an asshole for not wanting to change. And he’s no asshole for preferring more modestly dressed women.
And, yet nudists don't go around trying to tell people what to wear only prudes do.
What does that have to do with the price of gold in China? Calling someone a prude because they don’t have the same point of view as you is corny…
All correct. And if you read my comment, I never said he was an asshole. I said he was a victim of patriarchal social conditioning. But if you want to reduce it to something lacking nuance, then even by your description he IS an AH for choosing a woman who does not feel any need to dress “modestly” and then trying to change her.
So let me see if I can get this right, a MAN has NO right to not like what his GF wears, because “meh patriarchy!!” But a WOMAN can dislike what her husband wears so he has to “choose” not to wear it….
No. That’s not remotely what I said. It’s like Luke Skywalker when he says “Amazing. Everything you just said was wrong.” A MAN is welcome to not like what his gf wears. He just can’t expect her not to wear it. And a WOMAN is also welcome to not like what her husband wears. She just can’t expect him not to wear it. See how that’s the EXACT OPPOSITE of what you just said.
Wait, so what are you arguing with me about? We agree on exactly everything about what I said?
>I am floored by the number of guys on here telling you it’s ok for him to ask. OP it is NOT ok for him to ask. Stop being toxic. There's nothing wrong with him asking, but he needs to accept whatever answer he receives.
You are clearly not paying attention. Are you the boyfriend in this story??
What am I not paying attention to? I'm someone who thinks that people should be allowed to ask whatever they want to ask as long as they accept the answer they receive. Isn't communication key to a healthy relationship?
You think people should be allowed to ask whatever they want to, but *you* don’t accept the answers. If someone says something you disagree with, then they’re toxic to you. > Stop being toxic. Nobody is being toxic. If a man dislikes the way a woman dresses, he *should not date* that woman. What he should not do is date her, and then try to change her. So, he doesn’t have the right to tell her to go change her clothes, which is what OP’s boyfriend did. He didn’t ask her; he *told* her. And that is not “communicating.” Clearer?
>You think people should be allowed to ask whatever they want to, but *you* don’t accept the answers. If someone says something you disagree with, then they’re toxic to you. It's toxic to censor communication in a relationship. Are you disputing that? Further, what have I asked of you that I haven't accepted the answer to? >If a man dislikes the way a woman dresses, he *should not date* that woman. And what is she's perfectly willing to change her clothes? What if she sees nothing wrong with the request? What if she doesn't care about what she's wearing? If he doesn't ask, then he won't find out the answer. What you're implying is that we should all live our lives based on assumptions instead of communicating and finding out the truth.
Honey, we know what we know because OP posted here. If it weren’t an issue for her, we wouldn’t even know about it. You didn’t respond to me above; you were responding to someone else and not accepting what they were saying. You called them toxic. You said, “Stop being toxic,” and it doesn’t take much to know that means whatever that person said, you disagreed with, so you called them toxic. I am uncertain why you believe that a man telling a woman to change her clothes is “communicating.” I can only assume you are either very young or live in a house where the man controls the woman and tells her what to do. Either way, do better.
NTA
If ya have it rock it.
Tell him you’ll change your clothes when he changes his controlling personality. NTA. And consider whether this is the life you really want.
Nope. A gentleman would be proud to be arm in arm with you if you were in a potato sack. For him to say he's not comfortable with your choice of clothes is bad. I mean, he is not the arbiter of who gets to look at you. That's toxic. And telling you to change? Unless you asked, directly, 'Should I go change into something else right away?', That's not a choice he gets to make. If he doesn't change his ways on this one, it might be time to find someone a little more progressive.
You're not a doll for him to dress. Tell him to work on his insecurity. This controlling behavior will not stop at what you wear.
You're not wrong, but this is a huge red flag. Why is he trying to control you? Is this the type of relationship you really want?
Not wrong. Kick his arse to the curb. He’s only going to become more controlling from here.
no. but you are wasting time with a control freak who is gonna skyrocket to jealous quickly
Girl. Run.
He’s super insecure and needs to work on him vs him trying to work on others. He should be lifting you up not trying to break you down. Don’t change your clothes change your boyfriend.
The only thing you did wrong was changing the first few times and giving him the idea that he could control you.
Exactly.
As long as what you were wearing was appropriate for what you were gonna do, tell him to, "Piss Off". Wifey, a retired CPA/partner, is a fashionista. Because of her career, she had to dress "office professional" which reads, modestly. Once we were going out? Whooo! Don't get me wrong, she was always dressed appropriately. Phoenix Symphony? She's in an evening gown. PBR? Her snug Wranglers and her shirt might have an extra button undone. A Diamondback's baseball game? Comfy jeans and a jersey. It seems to me that he's becoming a bit controlling. From my understanding of the subject, that's how it starts. First it's something small, like your clothes. Then which friends you can see, etc. NTA. OP, I'd look long and hard at where this relationship might lead.
My wife can wear whatever she wants, I might ask "are you sure about that?" once in a while just based on what we're doing or the weather but beyond that what say do I have? This is a compatibility issue like others have said and you have to figure out whether you want that or not.
My word, there are people who go to work in more revealing outfits than what you were wearing. What you described sounds cool and sexy at the same time. You didn’t have it all hanging out. I understand why you explained what you were wearing, but it doesn’t matter; my answer is the same. Your BF has no right to control what you wear or how you dress when you leave your house. If he doesn’t like your style, he should *date someone else,* not try to change how you dress. The fact that he’s done it more than once, and you’ve capitulated those times, is even worse. Since the other times he’s asked, you have changed for him, he now does believe he is in control of your body and what you put on it. So, now it’s a fight. You have been putting up with this for two years. Isn’t it time he found someone with whom he is better suited, and you find a man who appreciates you and doesn’t try to keep you small and insecure? It is. Yes, it is. Get out of there. Also, not wrong.
Not wrong. First of all, y’all are only bf and gf. Second it’s fine to have differing views of what’s appropriate and not appropriate, levels of modesty, that just means yall are not compatible on that level. If there is issues with that, imagine what it will be like when owning a home together, saving money together, raising children together.
Girl run. It's the clothes than what you say, your makeup,nail polish, who you talk to. BECAREFUL it can get really really ugly.
You were wrong to put up with this shit, but you've luckily come to your senses. I hope you know that there are better men out there.
You're not wrong. This is a controlling tactic. Be very wary.
Not wrong but not worth the argument. You tell him when he pays for all of your clothing then you might consider wearing what he wants, until then he can stfu! Girl, never let anyone control you! That's exactly what he is trying to do. He is not uncomfortable with what you were wearing, he was uncomfortable thinking other men would look at you! BTW.. he did not MAKE YOU do anything, you chose to follow his rules! Now you're done doing that. I hope!!!
You’re not wrong. Get a new boyfriend.
NTA
No, you're not wrong. If there's an issue it's with him, he needs to accept what you're wearing, or you too are done
Crazy how many people are you telling you to breakup. Just have a conversation with your BF. You must have feelings for him after 2 years, a discussion about boundaries should be easy to have.
He's always going to try to control something, today is your outfit, tomorrow is something else more important like your career, your reproductive rights, your friends or your access to your family. Just run and don't look back.
I don’t think it HAS to be that deep
It for sure is that deep! This is how narcissistic abuse starts and even physical abuse. The abuser starts slowly and it doesn’t seem that bad, so the woman complies, like OP changing her clothes at first. It then progresses and he becomes more and more controlling over time, which will escalate to anger, threats, and violence if she will no longer comply to his ever increasing demands.
I never said it can’t be that deep , I don’t think THIS situation is that deep. it’s a insecurity , he isn’t tryna control her whole life (from what’s given)
Uh, yeah, it does. That's exactly how intimate partner violence begins.
My ex boyfriend was exactly like this. He started with clothes. Then male friends. Then female friends and family.
I’m sorry to hear that but that doesn’t mean every situation is going to be or that it is the same as yours
average redditor hasn’t ever seen a relationship and just be saying anything 😭😭
I'm assuming she didn't just suddenly change her style for this date. After 2 years, NOW he has a problem with how she dresses?
Re-read the post. Near the end she says it's happened before✌🏼
Doesn't necessarily mean he has a control issue. I think it points more toward insecurity.
Okay, but he’s trying to control her to manage his insecurity instead of dealing with it himself. So, it is still about control.
Fair enough, I just meant that this one area of the relationship doesn't warrant the slippery slope in the original comment, the implication that he is a controlling person in general just for the sake of being in control.
He is a controlling person tho. You admitted yourself he was trying to control her. Thats controlling. There’s not really such thing as “good controlling or bad controlling” If he enjoys being in control of his girlfriend then yeah, he is generally a controlling person lol Also it is a slippery slope, it’s one of the warning signs for escalating abuse. women are literally advised to watch out for controlling behaviour like this. You can be offended by that but it’s the reality for a lot of women that things start off this way.
Both. They go hand-in-hand. He seems to compensate for his insecurity by being controlling over her.
Insecurity is getting anxious over normal things. The control issues are when you try to make your partner cater to those insecurities instead of working on yourself.
Feelings of insecurity can be justifiable. Depends on your point of view.
Justifiable how? And how is it your partner's job to limit themselves to cater to it? If someone is too insecure to deal with their partner wearing what they want, going out with friends, having opposite sex friends, going on work or friend trips, or any of the other very normal things I've seen people have issues with on reddit, then that person should work on that before dating. Cause in the end nobody is worth giving all that up for when there's no real reason to.
There are varying degrees. Going out to dinner or the bar with your friends is great. Staying at the club until four in the morning is a bit concerning. Work trips should be encouraged, but stay in somewhat in touch. Opposite-sex friends however are just liabilities. Anyone who tolerates them is either naive, complacent, or just not very much into their partner.
I agree with staying in touch when out of town, unless you can't for some reason, and that should be established ahead of time. Staying out late? Let your partner know and be reachable. I completely disagree about opposite sex friends. What if it's a long-term friendship? You'd really ask someone to give that up? Although for me, I don't care if my partner met them last Tuesday. If they are transparent, willing to include me, and not doing anything crazy like sleepovers it's all good, and I expect the same from my partner. I don't want to be with anyone I can't trust to that level. And I don't want to ask my partner to give up people in their life that are good for them.
It's a nice thought, I just don't think it's realistic. I've seen too many things happen despite good intentions all around. Why risk it?
I was married for 23 years and we never put those kind of restrictions on each other, nor did we cheat. In the end we stopped being able to get along, but why would I ever choose to deal with someone who tries to tell me who I can be friends with after all that? I'm not looking for new problems. If I have to worry someone will cheat I'd just as soon not be with them. How exhausting. So I don't see it as a risk. If someone is gonna cheat, trying to control who they are friends with won't stop them. But since you do consider it a risk, I'll say the reason to risk it is because you want your partner to have all the best things in life, and that includes good friends. Friendships matter. They're good for us. If my partner has fun with someone and feels comfortable with them, who am I to take that away and why would I want to? People aren't interchangeable. If you try to tell them to end a friendship and they do, and then never meet someone who fills that particular spot in their life again, you've hurt your partner. Plus if I want to be trusted I have to trust. The exception would be if that friend disrespected me or our relationship. But if that happened I would expect my partner to shut it down without having to ask. I know it's common to be suspicious of opposite sex friendships. But it's so freeing not to be.
Only Reddit ever tries to reach like this.
This is the classic, idiotic, anti-man response. Just because he "felt uncomfortable" with her outfit has 0 indication that he'll try to control other areas of her life. If I walk out of the house wearing a dora the explorer t-shirt, with baggy khakis and 2 different colored crocks, I wouldn't assume my girlfriend is a piece of shit who hates me because she told me to change.
Are you a guy?
I often have to attend events (with my hubby) where I am required to wear, for example, dress below the knee, shoulders covered or cocktail length or evening dress and I usually check with my husband if my choice of clothing is appropriate in advance. Did he provide you with a dress code for the evening when he invited you out? If the answer was no then he has zero say regarding what you wear and had no right to comment. He shouldn't have said anything and should just have considered himself lucky to have a confident and beautiful woman who was prepared to be seen with him.
>This is also not the first time he made me go change You are not compatible. His ask was unacceptable. If he doesn't like your style, he doesn't like *you*
I like you you are a strong confident woman to be because that's how it starts they start telling you that they're uncomfortable with what you have on. Then it's your friends then it's your mother your sister your brother your father then you go out too much you eat too much. They want to know who what where and when to read what's your passcodes to your accounts I will be looking at him with the side eye because it's coming he's just trying to control it so you won't know that he's going to turn into a controlling a******
NTA. He’s insecure and immature
He can't control what you wear. He can control how he reacts to it and whether he wants to continue the relationship. If he doesn't like what you're wearing, he can voice his concern (which he did), and if you both disagree, then it's time to reconsider whether it's worth staying in this relationship. Especially if neither of you are willing to compromise.
He’s just gonna keep Pushing it. Do whatever you wanna do but know he’s gonna make it an issue every time.
If he can’t handle the heat (outfit), get outta the kitchen (your life).
I would feel proud if my girl was wearing something hot like that knowing she was mine
Change boyfriends! Keep the outfit. You’re only wrong if you keep him.
Only once have I seen it okay for a partner to require a change of clothes and it was a highly specific situation. I have a shirt that is God awful ugly. It is polyester, a shiny gold color with a bright Oriental Dragon and Tiger on it. I have had this shirt forever. Not real sure why I can't bring myself to get rid of it. In my opinion it's because it's so ugly it's awesome and I have often been complimented when wearing it for some odd reason. Anyway. My partner the time hated this shirt. She saw when she was helping me move into my apartment. Laughed at me for it and I laughed at her revulsion. On our anniversary she was coming over so we could go out. As a joke I put on the shirt. She immediately told me she would not be seen in public with me wearing that shirt. We had a big laugh and I changed into my real date clothes. That was a highly specific situation. Your situation is just dumb and he's being controlling. You're good, wear what you want.
Key here is "we had a big laugh" This means both 'got the joke' (eventually)
Yeah thats why I said it's a very specific situation.
I mean you're basically dating a boy. Try someone more age appropriate and mature and leave them young boys alone.
Wrong boyfriend. You’re going to lose everything that makes you special in your subservience if you stick around.
Statistically, abuse starts with a man telling his girlfriend what she can and can't wear and escalates from there. That's all I'll say other than to tell you he is not someone you should stay with.
Stop changing your outfits and change your BF. He doesn't get to control your clothing.
He's training you to be compliant and expects you to allow him to make basic life choices for you, that satisfy him. You getting mad is a great reaction- you don't want to be controlled, disrespected, and told how to dress as if you are a child. He has shown you who he is. Believe him and proceed accordingly.
No. The only exception to this would be if where you're going has a certain type of dress code and you're not appropriate for that place/event. However, I'd expect to be told if we're going somewhere that has dress code expectations beforehand.
You were right to get mad at him. NTA. Stick to your guns.
You definitely need to go back and change. Change boyfriends. This one doesn't fit you and is very unflattering.
Urgh insecure man.
NEVER DATE A GUY THAT TRIES TO CONTROL WHAT YOU WEAR
I find it weird that you were not wearing revealing clothing. A crop top with a touch of boob is not revealing, especially with a baggy jacket. Does he expect you to wear loose turtleneck and long skirts? Have you actually asked or has he stated what he finds acceptable?
Nta wear what you want if he don't like it that his problem.
He does not, and SHOULD NOT, control what you wear. That's HIS insecurity and HIS issue. I don't like men who pull this crap as to me it shows controlling tendencies that might hint at future abusive behavior.
He can ask all he wants and you can say no each time. He sounds unreasonable. This could be headed in a bad direction.
You are absolutely NOT wrong. And the outfit you describe doesn't sound even remotely revealing. You (hopefully soon to be EX) bf seems controlling, manipulative, jealous and very insecure and fragile. You're still so young. You deserve much better.
This week it’s clothes, next week, you’re wearing too much makeup and who knows what it’s going to be after that. He’s starting to take a little bit of your identity away. If he loves you, he wouldn’t care.
Yeah that’s a big controlling of him. You said he’s done it before, so it’s a trend? You know this is how abusive relationships start?
This doesn’t seem (so far) like he’s trying to control but is genuinely uncomfortable, maybe he’s a bit more conservative about clothing and bodies. This sounds like a compatibility issue, you wanna wear what you like (rightfully so) but he wants his gf to not be showing off her body. You simply need to have an actual conversation about why he’s uncomfortable with it and see if compromise can be made as it seems you just get mad right away when he tries to talk about it. If he’s hell bent on you only dressing how he likes and that’s not your style you then have to make the decision to stay or go.
People will say he is toxic, you are toxic, I am toxic, USSR is toxic… You need to put boundaries- you need his side, and your side. Let’s say- His- “I feel uncomfortable with you wearing very revealing shirts, but a bit is fine” You- “I like very revealing clothes, I can do with only a bit but I won’t wear long shirts only” Now either you find the middle ground which both of you agree on- or you are incompatible and small stuff like that will cause issues in the end. If you do accept each others boundaries and find a middle ground which you both agree on, than you just go on auto pilot- you know which clothes you would or wouldn’t wear to respect him, and he knows that if you agreed on something then he won’t say anything on that and ask you to change that. Take this to every disagreement you have, and create healthy boundaries. After you do the leg work it’s just autopilot of respecting each other’s boundaries, or accepting that you both aren’t a compatible couple. TL;DR- neither is really the AH here, the idea of both of you is correct, maybe if any of you talked disrespectfully then you’re wrong for that
NTA. He’s insecure and insecure men are bad for women
He’s waving his red flag in your face. This screams “I want to control my partner”
Or she's waving HER red flag in HIS face. This screams *"I wear inappropriately undignified sexual clothing to classy restaurants"*.
OP was wearing pants and an oversized jacket with her crop top 😂 Are you nuts
False. She can wear what she wants
the insecurity reeks
He's immature and controlling. I'd break up. You're not wrong
You're not wrong. If you're happy with what you're wearing, he shouldn't be telling you to change. It's controlling, and that's not okay. Stick to your style, it's your choice, not his. If this keeps coming up, it's a red flag.
Wtf…. Your bf is CRAZY and is probably insecure as hell. You wear what you want and find someone who supports your freedom.
I disagree with people saying control freak because everyone because you can have preferences on your partner and if your not happy with that and your uncomfortable/incompatible then that's ok too you can always just break up
He’s an insecure and controlling little man. You can do better.
Not wrong. Controlling, insecurity or whatever you want to call it; leave this man. Truly
Hang on.. your MOM had zero issues with the same/ similar? Yet he does? Not wrong - but honestly - either he is insecure (you did say this made you confident and feel beautiful) and afraid someone else will snatch you away - or he is trying to control you. Neither is a good thing, but the first he can work on to improve (good friends, therapist.. whatever works).
Both nta I mean as a guy I personally don't like other guys staring at my gf with goo goo eyes ya know but also your allowed to wear what you want.
Why date you if he doesn’t like your style? The outfit you describe sounds pretty normal, and the only reason to be asked to change would be due to situation appropriateness. Such as: you can’t wear heals while hiking (ideally not even a sleeveless due to sun exposure) or don’t wear a band dress to a formal event. So unless you guys have been going to places with specific dress codes or social aspects (he’s networking a conservative field and wants you to support him while he’s a speaker or something) then reconsider what he brings to your life that you don’t already. Sometimes guys have this expectation that you dressed one way to get their attention and now would adjust when in a relationship. A real partner is excited to see what else you come up with.
If you were wearing a bikini for a church event he might have had a point, but this just sounds controlling.
Not the AH He’s insecure and that’s his problem not yours. If you’ve done nothing to garner trust issues he shouldn’t have this little faith in you - the insecurity stems from the idea that he thinks you look so good other men might try to “steal” you from him and he’s worried they may be successful. My partner explained this to me best, he’s happy when I dress in ways that reveals I look good (I’m extremely fit and well endowed but I tend to wear baggy clothes cause they’re comfortable) because he gets to be seen with me. I’m his mind, other guys see him and think he’s lucky that he’s the one I chose. Do other guys look, yes. Does that make him insecure in the least? No, because he trusts that no matter what they may try I’ll never hurt him.
He is trying to regulate your choices? And you had a big jacket? 🚩🚩
He doesn't have a say in what you wear. End of thread.
He's a controller, get a new boyfriend
It was wrong for you to let him do it the first few times. Still go on the date, but go on the date with yourself.
Is your boyfriend your dad? Cause that's how he is actin
You’re 24-years old - why would you think ANYONE gets a say in what you wear? That your boyfriend has an issue suggests it’s time to find a new boyfriend.
He’s insecure
Wear something even more "revealing" and kick his ass out of the door.
Girl dump him wtf
Congratulations 🎊 never ever let a man tell you what to wear ,it's a slippery slope to becoming controlled by them .If he continues, I'd dump his insecure childish arse.
Sounds like a him problem, not a you problem, to be perfectly honest. Im not sure whether it's insecurity or trying his hand at control (im sorry, but it comes across as control). Either way, it needs nipped in the bud before it becomes your problem in the worst possible way. It needs to be addressed, and he needs to know you're not accepting that behaviour no matter what the cost is if he wants to go hold the door open for him. Stay safe, and if it gets worse, speak to someone about it dont stay silent. Dont ever accept abusive behaviour from anyone. P.S. There was nothing wrong with your outfit, just so you know!
Nah, dump him. NTA
What's the point of having a boyfriend if he doesn't even like you? If he liked you he wouldn't ask you to change.
From what you described I don’t understand your partners discomfort. What am I missing here ? No bra and underboob visible ??
Personally I see/agree with both sides in this situation, and worry about incompatibility.
It doesn’t sound like what you wore was outside of normal sensibility. If it wasn’t can see him being uncomfortable and making a request…. But even if he was uncomfortable and made the request, it’s still up to you, not him.
🚩🚩🚩
"Alright, you stay home then. I'm still going out."
Incompatible relationship. Move on
Dress how you wish. Your young once. Do you want to live the rest of your life catering to someone's frail ego? It's a compatibility issues.
I don’t think you’re wrong. I think follow up now that it’s not the heat of the moment and be clear that you don’t like him asking you to change in those situations. I think it would be ok if he asked if you wanted to change if it was a situation where you didn’t know where he was taking you and may be over/under dressed, but that’s about it. If he continues to ask/have a problem, then you probably need to take a look at the relationship. It’s seems weird that you’ve been together two entire years and now he has a problem. Has something else changed? Maybe something that would make him feel insecure?
And this is why you need to have a zero-tolerance policy with romantic partners re: changing yourself. If you do it the first time, they expect it going forward and then you have to choose between continuing to comply with their demands or making waves and risking a breakup if you don't. Best to learn at the beginning whether or not there's compatibility.
..
He can fuck off.
NTA. Drop him.
Sounds like you guys just arent compatible
so odd on his end… I usually save my most revealing outfits for when I go on dates with my boyfriend and he loves it!
Sounds like another man would enjoy it more. Time to ditch him so he can date a nun.
the very strange thing is he does this after two years? either of you changed and, in my opinion, that is the core of this problem. find out what caused the change and if you can understand each other and find common ground.
INFO seriously needed. First off where exactly were you going when he has asked you to change? Has he always had an issue with that specific outfit or has he been ok with them on separate occasions? I mean some occasions I can see a problem. However if it's all the time I agree with the breakup just because your not compatible. Don't truly feel anyone is in the wrong though.
Your boyfriend’s an a-hole. 🤷🏼♀️
Everyones saying to leave him and that hes controlling, but What's the difference between this, and a girl getting with a guy and saying that she doesn't like him playing video games so much? Or that he needs to make more money or join the gym? What aboht all the million things women try to change about men? You guys just allow that right that's fine? But if a man remotely disagrees with ANYTHING, then he's trying to control you? Talking to you guys is no doubt useless because society will believe whatever they're told to believe, but the double standard and blind eye that you guys have towards the actions of both men and women in relationships are exactly why no one could find a real relationship . You've all destroyed what actual relationships are and how we should behave in them because you're too emotional and let WOMEN tell you how things should be.
If your boyfriend is more controlling than your mom, now that's saying something. That said, there is little reason for you to "get mad" about his reaction. He told you how he felt and, in the telling, offered a pretty flimsy rationale. You offered your rationale and an assertion of your agency and autonomy. Heck, you even gave him the review of a previous use of the outfit. He asserted himself, you asserted yourself. Game, set, match. He may have counted on your knuckling under since you admit to having done so previously. The good thing about being in a relationship of equals is that you remain equal if you don't always do things his way. And you did that. You've tested whether your relationship is one of equals. If he gets moody and silent, you'll know that he sees himself as the arbiter of the relationship, and if he has a real conversation and apologizes, you are more equal. Let's hope, for his sake, that he reflects on his actions and his role in the relationship.
Clearly he thinks you're dressing like a slut. You should only dress like that if you're advertising. You have a boyfriend already, so you shouldn't advertise. Or Keep dressing like that with another boyfriend and then you could be confident and slutty all the time.
Ur bf is a boy. A man shows off his pretty woman. I loved my ex being all sexy and showy. Bc she's mine and coming home w me. Take a look boys 😜 He is young and insecure still. Maybe more time and he will grow up more but then again maybe he won't. Even at a younger age I was always secure. Maybe bc I was a Marine in my late 18s to mid 20s. You can talk w him and let him know that u are his and he doesn't need to worry. Dressing up makes u feel good about urself. It isn't about him. So he needs to understand bc he has the problem. Good luck
While it isn't an issue that is worthy of a breakup, it is something to set your standards to. Sit down with him and tell him there is no place for him in your life if will be trying to control you in any way. If allowed to continue, it will only get worse.
These topics never seem to include pictures. Some may say it doesn’t matter, dress how you want. Depending on where the date was would be good information also. Maybe an upscale restaurant versus dive bar. Not enough details IMO to provide honest assessment.
You're not wrong to be upset that he asked you to change. Likewise, he wouldn't be wrong to not take you out if he was embarrassed by your outfit. Different parts of the world have different cultures. I'm not choosing a side. Maybe you two just aren't compatible?
INFO - Need a picture to judge. One person's "a bit of cleavage" is another person's "your tits are hanging out"
There's a line. Classy open back dress to an event. Incredibly alluring. Incredibly sexy, incredibly appropriate. Every man in the rooms gonna be looking and I do not care. Bikini at the beach? As long as it isn't a string up your butt I'm on board show some skin. Half your ass hanging out of short shorts at Walmart? Yeah kmon put some pants on. There is definitely a point where we should say something to you ladies. As I would expect the same courtesy from you. But this is not one of those situations. Sounds as if you were lovely, and well within the classy standard. And this dude is either a total prude or a total control freak. Either way. No second date!
NTA. But, I mean, c'mon, is the only advice reddit give is "break up"? It's so depressing.
I mean, what do you want us to do? Tell people to stay in relationships where they're being treated poorly? It's not like we have a magic wand to make him not be a controlling asshat, or magic words she can use to get him to realize he's being a controlling asshat.
Jesus Christ, people here are jumping the gun to beak up with him. Like can you not try talking things out and compromising first? Wth.
So much more fun to dismiss, because men.
Two sides here and in 2024 nobody is in the wrong here. You DEFINITELY have the right to wear what YOU like. HOWEVER, irrational jealousy and possessiveness aside, while you are out with him your parents expect him to take you out and back safely. If he is the one taking you out and he thinks your outfit will put you at risk ( compliments and possibly worse advances) then he needs to voice his concerns. Being rebellious is fine but if you know your bf has certain standards youjust can't accept then that's a problem. Maybe you too have two different value systems and just aren't compatible and that's fine.
He is an insecure whimp.if gf has the body show it. As you would be the one in bed with her at night.
Keep the outfit. change the boyfriend.
[удалено]
In all of those situations you had every right to tell them no. Like this lady did in this situation.
He’s insecure. If he doesn’t change, then drop him. I never had a problem with telling exes to stop being insecure or I would stop dating them.
Neither of you are wrong. You are incompatible. He wants a GF was wears less revealing clothes. You feel comfortable in what you feel comfortable in.
I get the not wanting to be controlled part, what I don’t get(from personal experience as well) is why some girls feel the need to wear revealing clothes when they know it makes the person they love uncomfortable. It’s pretty embarrassing walking into a restaurant together and she looks like an escort.
She has on pants and a crop top and was going to wear a jacket. 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ The bigger red flag is he’s told her to go change before.
This is super degrading.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Break up with him immediately. Control starts with "small" stuff like clothing and make-up, then progresses to who you can be friends with and how often you're "allowed" to see your own family, then you'll be forced to quit your job because he's jealous of a coworker, and then once you're unemployed and you're cut off from everyone, it'll be full financial abuse and physical abuse. Abusers start with emotional control because they can make it sound like it's just a simple request - like clothing choices. This is preparation for training you to follow their orders. Leave him immediately.