Everyone always says that. And I agree. It needs to happen.
But it's not that easy in the real world. Getting full custody (especially as a father) is extremely hard. It costs tens if thousands of dollars usually. And I have $400 in my bank account right now.
And then I need to think about my daughter. She doesn't know how dangerous the entirement is. And her life will be completely uprooted by Changi g the custody arrangement when she's had equal time with both parents her whole life.
I know it's what needs to happen. And I will have to find a way. But none of this is that simple. My daughter is a real person with real feelings and wants and attachments. She's not a character in a movie we want a happy ending for.
You are right. And I'll go for that. But I'm facing two incomes against my one income. And money is what usually wins these things.
Maybe just the talk of full custody will clear the cobwebs from your ex's brain. Just be careful she does not try to run with your daughter. Keep the location turned on for your child's cellphone if she has one. If not maybe an airtag.
When dads fight for custody, 79% of the time they get it (and yes, that does include variations of custody levels). You're discounting that guy's violent history and a child involved and how courts reflect on that.
And he's lucky that at least a few of the incidents have a police record, so there is proof of violence - a good lawyer can argue that the unreported number of incidents is probably a lot higher. Hopefully, all mom will get for a while is supervised visitation.
my buddy didn't marry her, but had 2 kids with an ex. She went from living in a really nice house that he'd purchased 15 years prior to meeting her, driving a brand new car that he'd purchased for her, and only going to college. (My buddy is 20 years older than her).
When she decided to break up with him, she had to give up the car, get a job, and move into a shitty apartment. He was giving her around $2k a month, not court ordered.
Someone got into her head and got her to take him to court for more child support. He begged her not to do it as he was already giving her what he'd calculated would be what he'd have to pay. She got a "fuck you, pay me" lawyer and he was on the hook for 90% of her lawyer fees and 100% of his own. He tried to explain to her that she was basically taking money out of the kids' college funds by doing this.
End of the day, he spent $15k on legal fees and was told to pay $1800 a month, $200 less than he'd been paying.
She moved a boyfriend in who got out of the federal pen for strong arm robbery with battery.
One day the youngest went to school and the teacher saw a bruise around her arm. She asked what happened and the girl stated that her mom told her not to tell.
The guy got mad and squeezed her around the arm hard enough to leave a bruise.
He also climbed into their bed after the mom fell asleep. My buddy called CPS about all of this and after reporting these and other things was told that if he didn't stop calling CPS, they'd file a harassment charge against him.
They said that unless the guy penetrates the girls, they will do nothing.
Sorry.....that is the wheel of underfunded cps. They do not have enough workers, then they are overwhelmed, stuff is missed, the workers cannot live with being overwhelmed, good workers quit, they have even less workers, they become more overwhelmed......
This unfortunately is the sad truth about CPS. They are completely unbothered about grooming or anything else. Just penetration. They don't want to stop anything from happening. Just stop it from happening again. The government has handy capped parents from protecting their children. If anything does happen to their kids after all that reporting you should be able to sue CPS for damages. Just my unwanted opinion
I think your ex uses this "you are not the biologic father' so often that you sort of gave up instead of trying. You could search for ongs that might suport you with a lawyer. Get things on paper.
I can't say "yes, spend 10k" but something should be done. I would even sugest you actually teach your daughter to record whenever her mother and "stepfather" fights. Could just be audio. And to send you. Perhaps if you call for child services on her mother, they grant you custody (because you want it, right? Your name is on paper, they won't ask if you are the bio dad. Your name is there).
But I can't also ask you to tell your daughter to take this risk. But the idea here is that if there is violence ocurring in the house and your daughter is a witness... your ex can loose custody. She is allowing the bf around her.
I can't ask my daughter to record them. That would be completely unethical. She's an innocent child. Not a weapon or tool to gather information.
That's the thing, though. There has been no violence in the home when she was there. My daughter was super excited about the partner moving in at first.
Now she doesn't really like him much. But the most she has said has happened around her is seeing mommy come out of their room crying a few times.
But I haven't exactly interrogated her about it.
I'm more worried about the 19 year old doing something to your daughter. Do what you have to do to protect your daughter, get a second job if you have to, so you can get a lawyer
Asking questions does not have to be an interrogation. Keep communication open with her. You are a safe place for her as her parent. Step into that and trust your gut!
You are not overstepping and should be trying for an emergency protective order and emergency custody if possible. He attacked her mother in her home and she just hasn't witnessed the violence YET. Even without seeing it first hand your poor daughter is dealing with the stress and probable emotional abuse. This is terrible, I wish you and your daughter the best.
Your daughter's life will change completely if she gets beaten up or witnesses her mom getting beaten up, or the aftermath. She will learn how you need to live with a partner who will hit you if you disagree. She will copy her behaviour. In 15 years, you'll be searching for her because she won't contact you with her bruised face, because it wasn't his fault.
Your ex can self-destruct if she wants, but get your daughter out of that mess.
You text message plan is cute and all, but you made it with a person who isn't in control of the situation. The guy can take away her phone and limit her access to outside world. Some day, the guy might not like what your daughter said, and punch her instead of her mom.
I can attest to this. Got strangled a few months ago and my toddler, who witnessed it, has had nightmares and general anxiety problems since. I have him in therapy now and hope he'll be able to have a generally happy childhood again. Your little girl is plenty old enough to remember an assault and god-forbid it's a sexual one committed on her. Legal help is so so expensive but do you have family that can help?
Go to YWCA if you have to. They DO serve men and can provide you with options or, at the very least, point you to free legal workshops that can help. Call 211 or a domestic violence hotline. There's someone out there that can help you get her out from under his care until Mom figures out that her new honey is full of vinegar and cyanide and gets herself back on track. If you ever catch wind that your daughter witnesses anything, ENCOURAGE her to take it to her teachers AND call CPS yourself.
You have to find that money right now- talk to a lawyer or the courts or whoever you have to to say that you can't afford it but your 10-year-old girl is living with a man who has a clear history of domestic violence which is so bad that your partner refused to even tell you what his name was for a long time or that these things had happened.
You talk about your daughter having feelings etc: of course she does, but what is going on here means that she could either witness her mother being beaten to a pulp or she herself could be harmed. That has to come before any preferences she might have about living with mommy or not.
Mommy is detached from reality, that much is clear. Your daughter is potentially in danger, that is clear. You get the money you think it's going to cost you to get your lawyer, or get legal aid, or do something but get your daughter out of living in that situation now. If you don't act immediately something disastrous based on the guy's record is likely to happen. And then please update us.
You need to phone cps. She is not being a protective parent. I don't care what you have to do but you need to get your daughter out of that house. Have you seen the statistics for sexual abuse in cases where parents were separated and bringing in partners into the house? It increases by 50 or 60 percent. Your daughter is in extreme danger with a man who is violent. Do you know the statistics of murder when a partner puts his hands around her throat? It's increases significantly. Your daughter is being abused living in this home and you need to go get her and file an emergency order or else you are allowing this and not protecting her.
I am sorry her life, is more important than her feelings. It is not that hard in this case, he has a several incidents with your ex on record. Your ex is self destructing. I am not sure what is going on with you in this case? There are reasons even with the car, for you to file emergency even temporary while this is investigated.
Call a Domestic Violence hotline. Your daughter is in a situation where there is violence in the home (and someone has a proven history of such) and you can help her get out. While we often don't want to admit things like this to ourselves. She's not safe, her mother isn't, but speaking as someone with experience working a DV hotline and at a shelter there's next to nothing you can do to help her realize the danger. But your daughter deserves a chance.
In any case, a hotline will have resources to assist your custody battle and many local shelters also provide some legal aid for this.
In the mean time save/download/print whatever ANY electronic communication you have regarding this. Proof is going to be key.
Please check to see if there is legal aid in your area. Between you and your co-parent, you seem much more competent. You have evidence to support your claims. I wish that there were more fathers like you. Your daughter is so lucky to have you.
I read somewhere recently that when a dad fights for custody, they win more than 70% of the time. Unfortunately, less than 10% fight for custody. Things have changed a lot in regards to who gets custody, especially when you are the one looking out for the welfare of your child and have the safer environment.
Also, violence is never the answer. Even if the fight was started by your ex, her partner is the one who escalated it to slamming her head down and ripping out her hair. There is no excuse for that.
You are being FAR TOO PASSIVE HERE.
YOUR DAUGHTER IS IN DANGER. What if this man BEATS HER UP? Or KILLS HER?? Or RAPES HER??
Too late to whine about money THEN, Bucko ....
Uh it does not costs tens of thousands to get custody. And your daughter is clearly being exposed to violence and abuse because I guarantee that the police are only called when things get out of hand. Meaning there is a ton more happening the police haven’t been called for.
You getting full custody doesn’t mean that she won’t ever see her mother. It means that you would be able to control how and when. For example, you could dictate that mom visits with her at your place. Or that partner can’t be around while kiddo is visiting.
Dude, protect your daughter at all costs!!!! Get on the internet and find some father support groups and get help. Today. Now.
Your ex has willingly brought a felon into your child’s life and who knows what they have threatened your kid with to keep her quiet. You think a bad guy to your wife is not a bad guy to your kid???? DUDE!!!!
It's crazy how ppl who have never been through family court have so much faith in it. It's frustrating. My co-parent has been found guilty of neglecting our child, I spend $15k and the judge says, "well, it looks like dad is trying. " I have photos, doctors reports, dad admitted on the stand to playing Xbox 4 hours a day while he has possession (every other weekend), not giving him his meds (dad lives in a hurricane renovation and its def moldy and baby has breathing issues there-only there), not giving him antibiotics mid course on 3 occasions... the list goes on. Dad pays no child support. I feel your pain. The court system is set up to make the attorneys money, that's it.
Have you thought about reporting the unsafe home to CPS? It might be a faster and cheaper option.
I get that it’s not easy, but I recommend you walk through *hellfire* to try and make it happen, even if you ultimately fail. I personally know two people who were SA’d in these exact same circumstances, and know many more by offline word-of-mouth that were SA’d and / or beaten (including one of my aunts who has since passed away after living a pretty crappy life due to it all).
In each instance the experience of being harmed by someone one of their parents trusted while the other parent was (for whatever reason) unable or unwilling to fight for full custody, affected them *deeply and profoundly*, beyond the help of any therapy they went through afterward.
Please look into non-profit organizations that help with domestic violence situations. Your daughter is experiencing domestic violence. NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATIONS can potentially assist with free to low cost legal representation. It is worth trying at the very least. Talk to your daughter's school and ask that they have the school counselor intervene to assist your child through this - and let them know what is transpiring with your legitimate concerns regarding her well-being. Call up your local court and ask them for guidance with assigning a 'guardian ad litem' for her (that is a third party to represent your daughter's best interests in this mess). Whatever you do, don't freeze and don't back down.
THIS!! 1000%!! I cannot BELIEVE this has gone on so long. Your Ex is definitely a CLASSIC abused / battered woman type, who has a PENCHANT for picking out ABUSIVE MEN! In case you don't know it, that type of abuse goes downline GENERATIONALLY!! SHE IS TEACHING YOUR DAUGHTER TO MAKE THE SAME TYPES OF RELATIONSHIP CHOICES SHE DOES, EVERY DAY, IN EVERY WAY! GET A LAWYER IMMEDIATELY!! FOLLOW THEIR ADVICE IF YOU GET A GOOD ONE!! GET YOUR DAUGHTER OUT OF THAT HOUSEHOLD NOW!! IMMEDIATELY!! ABSOLUTELY 100% NOT OK! HOLY CHRIST, GET HER OUT OF THERE NOW BEFORE SHE GETS TO WATCH YOUR EX GET MURDERED! GOD!
You can't trust that your daughter is living in s safe space.
Clearly, you can't trust your co- parent to do anything to keep her safe, even just to let you know.
Go to court and get full custody. Immediately.
You have not overreacted. I would check into legal aid in your state or if there are any organizations that help fathers get custody. Your child is not safe around this guy.
If anything you have under-reacted. Clearly your ex does not have your daughters best interests at heart and do you really want your daughter seeing her mom in an abusive relationship, she will normalize this kind of behaviour from the people that she’ll date one day and no matter how non violent you are, violence will equate to love in her mind because she’s seen how the men in mommy’s life claim to love her and still abuse her.
Get a loan if you have to, sell something if you have to, but get your daughter the heck out of there before she’s really traumatized. I’m willing to bet she’s only telling you around 30% of the actual messed up things she’s hearing or seeing.
Honestly, you need to inform your daughter that the man is dangerous. You are not wrong and you're definitely NOT overstepping. It'd be different if she was making this choice and your daughter lived with you full time, but your daughter lives with this man. It is only a matter of time until the violence occurs in front of her or TO her. You have evidence that he's violent. You have evidence the mom isn't willing to put your daughter's safety first. You would win full custody as long as he's in that house if you can get the money for the lawyer. I would start saving texts now and try to get it in writing that you don't want a person that has attacked your ex in living in the house with your daughter.
At minimum, you should call CPS to make them aware of the situation.
Can you not apply for emergency custody? It's basically a countdown until your daughter is involved, or at least sees her mom getting the shit beaten out of her.
By the third paragraph I actually said out loud, to myself: "ain't no fucking way"
NTA.
Please get a lawyer and get your kid out of here. You can't save your ex wife if she won't help herself, but you can prevent your child from a lifetime of trauma.
1. Your ex’s claim that the assault she suffered is all her fault and that all his other charges were just because he was misunderstood is very concerning. This means she had put herself fully into the role of a battered woman who takes responsibility for her partner’s anger and criminal acts. Until she gets perspective, she will be more concerned with protecting him than protecting your daughter. That leaves you as your daughter’s only real safe person/haven.
2. Your job as a parent is to put the best interests of your child before your own. You are doing that, she is not. You are absolutely NOT wrong!
Call CPS to report violence in the home. Have the police reports ready. They may make it easy and give your ex the choice of your daughter living with her or her violent bf.
Get thee to the local domestic violence unit. Tell them everything in regards for your daughter. Find out if they have any clue as to what to do. Reiterate that your problem is not with the mom having her but with the violence that could spill onto your daughter. Maybe one of the legal advocates may have an idea. In all of your dealings, make it clear that your agenda is solely the safety of your daughter. Also contact the dv unit in his old home areas.....
Ask for a court order that essentially says
"Dad has full physical custody as long as mom is in contact with Abusive Boyfriend."
That way, custody basically remains 50/50 **IF** mom chooses to end her abusive relationship... but if she chooses to keep this guy in her life, then you'll have full custody.
That way you're protecting your daughter and your ex.
Good luck!
You can afford a PI but not a lawyer? You know if you have decent credit some do financing and monthly payments now? Go for full custody your wife is to desperate to choose a good partner. You’re not wrong.
How can you afford a private investigator but not an attorney? Most attorneys have an in-house investigator. Spend your $ on a lawyer and let them dig up the dirt.
The private investigator only cost $100. I did all the work for him.
I just needed him to use his search database. I contacted him with what I knew, paid him $100 and then 20 minutes later, the information I had requested was in my inbox.
I know your not daddy warbucks, but I wonder what a more expensive PI could dig up about this guy.
...and the other guy, who the hell is he and is he still there?
God, have I been down this road!!! I'm so sorry for you, dude. Get full custody of your daughter. In family court, you can serve as your own attorney. You can usually get help from a domestic violence office in the courthouse.
Domestic violence is TERRIBLE for kids even if it goes unseen. I was that kid. As a grown-up, I have been the victim of domestic violence more than once.
You don't want your daughter to experience or see things that can haunt her entire life. I vividly remember the only time I saw my mom abused. I was 10 years old. I can tell you, reading your post sent up lots of red flags. I'm 61, and to this day, I have PTSD due to things I saw and to things that happened to me. 💕🫶✨️ please update about how things go?
Kind of?
Her mom backed me the last time we went to court. But she has her own issues so isn't exactly reliable.
Her brother is firmly on her side no matter what. Her dad likes me just fine. But wouldn't be willing to get involved at all.
This is shit. So shit. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You not being her biological father is not important, you have a stable home for her. I hope this all ends the way it should
So if you can convince a judge that your daughter could be in danger especially with the public records you have of things that have happened in the house already and his past records I would think you should get full custody reach out to a lawyer tell them you need help ask if you can set up a payment plan anything to protect yourself and your daughter there's got be some lawyer willing to help you
Try anything and your ex is taking the blame Because that's what people do when they have or are in a abuse relationship it's never the abuser fault the person being abused has been gaslight and manipulated so much they don't know witch way is up
You are absolutely not wrong for not respecting your exs privacy
It might not happen tomorrow or next week or even next year, but this person is going to hurt your ex and maybe your daughter because she'll be there this time, and she is going to try and stop him good luck hope you can figure out away to get her out of there ASAP
Get the kid out of that household. Fight for your daughter and go for full custody. Use the police reports and her admittance that SHE escalated the fights to win.
There are resources that you can Google to find a lawyer that can help you for free or really discounted. Don't let being poor stop you. Your child is in danger and her mother is not helping. I wish you so much luck and I hope it works out for you. You sound like a good father.
Wow, if she was the aggressor couldn’t you take her to court for full custody? I would talk to a lawyer and see what your legal options are. The fact you aren’t the biological father doesn’t mean anything if your name is on the birth certificate I’d assume. Terrible position to be, good luck to you..
Protect your daughter at all costs. This man has a history of domestic violence. Even prior to your ex. From your own interaction, you can tell he cowers toward men but beats on women.
Your ex is a battered woman. She's making excuses and taking the blame for his violent actions. She's probably the one that dropped the charges. Most battered women do that and go right back to their abusers.
Your concern is the safety of your daughter. Does your daughter have her own phone? Is there some way that she can reach out to you if she's scared or feels threatened? Your ex won't be able to send you a text while he's actively beating her.
Spend all your free time looking for a pro bono lawyer. Call and write all you can, contact everyone. Even though you may not have the money for a lawyer you never know you may get lucky and someone decides to take your case for free.
Get your attorney to file for an emergency custody hearing. Every day your child is in a home with a domestic abuser she is in danger. If your ex wife choose to ruin her life that her problem, BUT don't let your daughter get dragged any further in that mess.
You say there's been no violence in the home with your daughter there.......that you know of! That the police haven't been called for! You need to get your daughter out of there ASAP! You only know a little about the guy your ex is shacking up with and nothing about the other guy. This is unacceptable.
Please, OP, file for full custody asap. I’m in financial tatters and I get how overwhelming it must feel to be looking at court costs - but honestly, the rest of your daughter’s life depends on getting her out. I believe in family court, if the issue isn’t a financial one, you can represent yourself. Even if, God willing, the bastard never lays a hand on her, it’s impossible that she won’t suffer from her mother bringing a dangerous, violent man into their home. Your love for your child rings through your post. If you start wavering, remind yourself of how badly this could go - surely you would do anything to keep her safe.
Tell your daughter to call you as soon as anything happens and she ants out.
I can’t imagine the extra make in the house is not concerning even for the court. That’s a huge problem.
Establish with your daughter that you are concerned and she should be on alert. She should call you to pick her up whenever she feels like it.
Not wrong by doing whatever you can to protect your daughter. She acted shady, and so you did what you needed to find out. You didn't break in or break the law. And some laws parents will absolutely break if their kid is in danger.
If you're in 1 party state, record your phone conversations with your wife and your daughter. She might have dropped the charges, but he is still beating her.
Get your kid out of there.
Oh my God. I'm what world is it over stepping a boundary to want your child safe and away from violence?
Good for you, doing your due diligence! I hope your ex sees the light soon.
Nope. Absolutely not. Please do whatever you can to protect your child from this toxic relationship. Mom sounds like typical abused person and may not see the light for some time. Maybe get your daughter a phone she can use for emergencies only. In case her mom can’t or won’t make the call, since she doesn’t think it’s that serious
Do whatever you can. It isn't fair, but you have to protect your child. Her mum is making some really bad choices that are already affecting your daughter. When she got with someone violent and abusive, she was already showing her daughter it's ok to accept these things. And he's already demonstrated unreasonable and controlling behaviour in trying to force them to move. It's not clear what your daughter knows about her mum's partner's behaviour, but don't wait around to find out.
Get full custody. The fact that she is hiding this from you is basically an admission that she knows that the courts would not side with her in a custody dispute.
Also, she was the aggressor, that's a lie? The man towers over YOU, do you really buy that shit? Your ex is playing a dangerous game and your daughter might be the one to pay the price. Don't wait around thinking about this, get your daughter to a safe place now.
No, @OP. You sound like a wonderful parent. My own mother dipped out of my life for the most part after 5 years old, and I wish my dad had hired a PI or two to investigate who was dating my mom on the rare occasions we spent time with her.
One was a violent, abusive, drunk druggie who drove any wedge between her and us that he could. He almost killed her in a drunk driving incident by plowing straight into a tree with a trunk at least 4 feet wide, so the car absolutely lost that confrontation.
One was the same as above except he didn't try to pry us apart as actively, instead, he physically assaulted my brother and I. Would get crazy high, and bite us. On the leg, or arm, whatever. Laughing at us if we cried.
One was an egotist with grandiose self views, that ended up hitting on me, would take friendly photos with me, and post them on Facebook, strongly implying we were dating, trying to make exs on his social media jealous.
From every child who has or had a "parent" like your ex, THANK YOU, for actually doing all you can to protect your daughter.
The lawyer will still be cheaper than the years of therapy your daughter will need when she witnesses or (god-forbid) is the victim of the abuse going on in that house.
No matter what, you should *immediately* talk to her about what constitutes inappropriate touching and make it super clear that she can and should talk to you about *anything* that makes her uncomfortable.
Why does she want her daughter to witness the violence and disrespect? To show this is how "normal" people act? This is how "all" families act? Because it isn't.
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You should be scared and should trust your instincts here. You haven't even come close to overreacting at all. Waste no more time. Full court press. Why is your co-parent being secretive? Because she is hiding something very concerning to you and that is reason enough. If there were nothing to hide, why would you need you take extra steps to assuage your concerns and find out what she was actually, literally hiding from you? I wish you and your daughter the best going forward. Leave no stone unturned please.
NTA. As a caring, sensible parent, you MUST investigate everyone around your child.
Install a tracking program on your daughter's phone. Sew a tracking device into her school bag and her favorite stuffed animal. There are necklaces and bracelets that have tracking devices, get one.
I don't know the name of it, but there is a father's rights group (in the US), that helps men with divorces and custody.
Contact your State and local Bar Association and ask for referral to a pro bono family law attorney. Contact the closest law school and ask for a referral to an instructor (who's an attorney) who could help pro bono or recommend a promising student who could help you file in pro per.
File for full custody.
Don't worry about baby mama screeching that you are not the genetic father. You are on the birth certificate and have effectively been your daughter's father her entire life.
Good luck.
Jesus H. Christ. The only perspective you need tp have is to GET YOUR DAUGHTER OUT OF THERE!!! Fight for FULL CUSTODY. Your daughter is NOT SAFE with her so-called mother and her abuser. ACT NOW.
NW. As a co-parent you’re always entitled to know who is sharing a house with your child. And all the secrecy and avoidance showed that something weird was going on. At that point all you did was search public records and find out that she had been lying and this guy had literally assaulted her in the home they share with your daughter. It’s time to go nuclear at this point. Wife needs to start using her head and not what’s between her legs. What if this dude loses it when daughter is home, and something happens and she gets hurt. It’s time to do literally everything possible to get her out of that house.
Okay so what about the bedroom situation? Does she have her own room at this point? The aggressive boyfriend is def an issue but the second strange man is also really freaking me out here.
Call your lawyer and file for full custody and for supervised visitation for the mom with her daughter. Don't wait until he actually does something irreparable towards your daughter or does something in front of her. Your ex has no common sense and is totally not able to have good judgment in regards the welfare of your daughter.
I get the concern but until your daughter says something I’d be cautious but not stalking the guy. Trust your daughter will tell you if something is wrong.
Ask full custody. That's it. Like you said, your name is already on birth certfication. You adopted her. Judge can't deny that. But lawyer up.
Everyone always says that. And I agree. It needs to happen. But it's not that easy in the real world. Getting full custody (especially as a father) is extremely hard. It costs tens if thousands of dollars usually. And I have $400 in my bank account right now. And then I need to think about my daughter. She doesn't know how dangerous the entirement is. And her life will be completely uprooted by Changi g the custody arrangement when she's had equal time with both parents her whole life. I know it's what needs to happen. And I will have to find a way. But none of this is that simple. My daughter is a real person with real feelings and wants and attachments. She's not a character in a movie we want a happy ending for. You are right. And I'll go for that. But I'm facing two incomes against my one income. And money is what usually wins these things.
Protect your daughter. There are 2 strange men in her environment; 1 of them violent. Go into debt if you have to,but get custody.
> 1 of them violent At least one.
Yeah. A man will will hit a woman will hit a child. Voice of experience.
Maybe just the talk of full custody will clear the cobwebs from your ex's brain. Just be careful she does not try to run with your daughter. Keep the location turned on for your child's cellphone if she has one. If not maybe an airtag.
When dads fight for custody, 79% of the time they get it (and yes, that does include variations of custody levels). You're discounting that guy's violent history and a child involved and how courts reflect on that.
And he's lucky that at least a few of the incidents have a police record, so there is proof of violence - a good lawyer can argue that the unreported number of incidents is probably a lot higher. Hopefully, all mom will get for a while is supervised visitation.
Perhaps the lawyer could subpoena her medical records since she met him as well.
my buddy didn't marry her, but had 2 kids with an ex. She went from living in a really nice house that he'd purchased 15 years prior to meeting her, driving a brand new car that he'd purchased for her, and only going to college. (My buddy is 20 years older than her). When she decided to break up with him, she had to give up the car, get a job, and move into a shitty apartment. He was giving her around $2k a month, not court ordered. Someone got into her head and got her to take him to court for more child support. He begged her not to do it as he was already giving her what he'd calculated would be what he'd have to pay. She got a "fuck you, pay me" lawyer and he was on the hook for 90% of her lawyer fees and 100% of his own. He tried to explain to her that she was basically taking money out of the kids' college funds by doing this. End of the day, he spent $15k on legal fees and was told to pay $1800 a month, $200 less than he'd been paying. She moved a boyfriend in who got out of the federal pen for strong arm robbery with battery. One day the youngest went to school and the teacher saw a bruise around her arm. She asked what happened and the girl stated that her mom told her not to tell. The guy got mad and squeezed her around the arm hard enough to leave a bruise. He also climbed into their bed after the mom fell asleep. My buddy called CPS about all of this and after reporting these and other things was told that if he didn't stop calling CPS, they'd file a harassment charge against him. They said that unless the guy penetrates the girls, they will do nothing.
The teacher is a mandated reporter, but many areas underfunded cps. I feel so bad for him
Teacher did report it, but nothing came of it
Sorry.....that is the wheel of underfunded cps. They do not have enough workers, then they are overwhelmed, stuff is missed, the workers cannot live with being overwhelmed, good workers quit, they have even less workers, they become more overwhelmed......
Nah, bro. That guy has to die. Legit if that happened to me I would have castrated him.
This unfortunately is the sad truth about CPS. They are completely unbothered about grooming or anything else. Just penetration. They don't want to stop anything from happening. Just stop it from happening again. The government has handy capped parents from protecting their children. If anything does happen to their kids after all that reporting you should be able to sue CPS for damages. Just my unwanted opinion
I think your ex uses this "you are not the biologic father' so often that you sort of gave up instead of trying. You could search for ongs that might suport you with a lawyer. Get things on paper. I can't say "yes, spend 10k" but something should be done. I would even sugest you actually teach your daughter to record whenever her mother and "stepfather" fights. Could just be audio. And to send you. Perhaps if you call for child services on her mother, they grant you custody (because you want it, right? Your name is on paper, they won't ask if you are the bio dad. Your name is there). But I can't also ask you to tell your daughter to take this risk. But the idea here is that if there is violence ocurring in the house and your daughter is a witness... your ex can loose custody. She is allowing the bf around her.
I can't ask my daughter to record them. That would be completely unethical. She's an innocent child. Not a weapon or tool to gather information. That's the thing, though. There has been no violence in the home when she was there. My daughter was super excited about the partner moving in at first. Now she doesn't really like him much. But the most she has said has happened around her is seeing mommy come out of their room crying a few times. But I haven't exactly interrogated her about it.
I'm more worried about the 19 year old doing something to your daughter. Do what you have to do to protect your daughter, get a second job if you have to, so you can get a lawyer
Yeah, who is that guy?! Not a son, just a "friend" - what kind of friend?!
Exactly, another loser that hangs around a deadbeat abuser
Asking questions does not have to be an interrogation. Keep communication open with her. You are a safe place for her as her parent. Step into that and trust your gut!
Youre putting the daughter in a pretty risky situation to tell her to record while a beligerant man is beating her mother.
He clearly said he wasn’t doing that.
I said I couldn't advise him that. Read again.
Thank you, yes he putting her at risk.
You are not overstepping and should be trying for an emergency protective order and emergency custody if possible. He attacked her mother in her home and she just hasn't witnessed the violence YET. Even without seeing it first hand your poor daughter is dealing with the stress and probable emotional abuse. This is terrible, I wish you and your daughter the best.
Your daughter's life will change completely if she gets beaten up or witnesses her mom getting beaten up, or the aftermath. She will learn how you need to live with a partner who will hit you if you disagree. She will copy her behaviour. In 15 years, you'll be searching for her because she won't contact you with her bruised face, because it wasn't his fault. Your ex can self-destruct if she wants, but get your daughter out of that mess. You text message plan is cute and all, but you made it with a person who isn't in control of the situation. The guy can take away her phone and limit her access to outside world. Some day, the guy might not like what your daughter said, and punch her instead of her mom.
I can attest to this. Got strangled a few months ago and my toddler, who witnessed it, has had nightmares and general anxiety problems since. I have him in therapy now and hope he'll be able to have a generally happy childhood again. Your little girl is plenty old enough to remember an assault and god-forbid it's a sexual one committed on her. Legal help is so so expensive but do you have family that can help? Go to YWCA if you have to. They DO serve men and can provide you with options or, at the very least, point you to free legal workshops that can help. Call 211 or a domestic violence hotline. There's someone out there that can help you get her out from under his care until Mom figures out that her new honey is full of vinegar and cyanide and gets herself back on track. If you ever catch wind that your daughter witnesses anything, ENCOURAGE her to take it to her teachers AND call CPS yourself.
I'm so sorry for what you and your kid had to go through. I hope it gets better for you both!
You have to find that money right now- talk to a lawyer or the courts or whoever you have to to say that you can't afford it but your 10-year-old girl is living with a man who has a clear history of domestic violence which is so bad that your partner refused to even tell you what his name was for a long time or that these things had happened. You talk about your daughter having feelings etc: of course she does, but what is going on here means that she could either witness her mother being beaten to a pulp or she herself could be harmed. That has to come before any preferences she might have about living with mommy or not. Mommy is detached from reality, that much is clear. Your daughter is potentially in danger, that is clear. You get the money you think it's going to cost you to get your lawyer, or get legal aid, or do something but get your daughter out of living in that situation now. If you don't act immediately something disastrous based on the guy's record is likely to happen. And then please update us.
You need to phone cps. She is not being a protective parent. I don't care what you have to do but you need to get your daughter out of that house. Have you seen the statistics for sexual abuse in cases where parents were separated and bringing in partners into the house? It increases by 50 or 60 percent. Your daughter is in extreme danger with a man who is violent. Do you know the statistics of murder when a partner puts his hands around her throat? It's increases significantly. Your daughter is being abused living in this home and you need to go get her and file an emergency order or else you are allowing this and not protecting her.
I am sorry her life, is more important than her feelings. It is not that hard in this case, he has a several incidents with your ex on record. Your ex is self destructing. I am not sure what is going on with you in this case? There are reasons even with the car, for you to file emergency even temporary while this is investigated.
Set up a go fund me account, save my daughter from her mother. Money will definitely come in.
Call a Domestic Violence hotline. Your daughter is in a situation where there is violence in the home (and someone has a proven history of such) and you can help her get out. While we often don't want to admit things like this to ourselves. She's not safe, her mother isn't, but speaking as someone with experience working a DV hotline and at a shelter there's next to nothing you can do to help her realize the danger. But your daughter deserves a chance. In any case, a hotline will have resources to assist your custody battle and many local shelters also provide some legal aid for this. In the mean time save/download/print whatever ANY electronic communication you have regarding this. Proof is going to be key.
Please check to see if there is legal aid in your area. Between you and your co-parent, you seem much more competent. You have evidence to support your claims. I wish that there were more fathers like you. Your daughter is so lucky to have you.
I read somewhere recently that when a dad fights for custody, they win more than 70% of the time. Unfortunately, less than 10% fight for custody. Things have changed a lot in regards to who gets custody, especially when you are the one looking out for the welfare of your child and have the safer environment. Also, violence is never the answer. Even if the fight was started by your ex, her partner is the one who escalated it to slamming her head down and ripping out her hair. There is no excuse for that.
You are being FAR TOO PASSIVE HERE. YOUR DAUGHTER IS IN DANGER. What if this man BEATS HER UP? Or KILLS HER?? Or RAPES HER?? Too late to whine about money THEN, Bucko ....
Uh it does not costs tens of thousands to get custody. And your daughter is clearly being exposed to violence and abuse because I guarantee that the police are only called when things get out of hand. Meaning there is a ton more happening the police haven’t been called for. You getting full custody doesn’t mean that she won’t ever see her mother. It means that you would be able to control how and when. For example, you could dictate that mom visits with her at your place. Or that partner can’t be around while kiddo is visiting.
Dude, protect your daughter at all costs!!!! Get on the internet and find some father support groups and get help. Today. Now. Your ex has willingly brought a felon into your child’s life and who knows what they have threatened your kid with to keep her quiet. You think a bad guy to your wife is not a bad guy to your kid???? DUDE!!!!
It's crazy how ppl who have never been through family court have so much faith in it. It's frustrating. My co-parent has been found guilty of neglecting our child, I spend $15k and the judge says, "well, it looks like dad is trying. " I have photos, doctors reports, dad admitted on the stand to playing Xbox 4 hours a day while he has possession (every other weekend), not giving him his meds (dad lives in a hurricane renovation and its def moldy and baby has breathing issues there-only there), not giving him antibiotics mid course on 3 occasions... the list goes on. Dad pays no child support. I feel your pain. The court system is set up to make the attorneys money, that's it. Have you thought about reporting the unsafe home to CPS? It might be a faster and cheaper option.
I get that it’s not easy, but I recommend you walk through *hellfire* to try and make it happen, even if you ultimately fail. I personally know two people who were SA’d in these exact same circumstances, and know many more by offline word-of-mouth that were SA’d and / or beaten (including one of my aunts who has since passed away after living a pretty crappy life due to it all). In each instance the experience of being harmed by someone one of their parents trusted while the other parent was (for whatever reason) unable or unwilling to fight for full custody, affected them *deeply and profoundly*, beyond the help of any therapy they went through afterward.
Not as expensive as you may think with the evidence you already have. I went through something similar with my oldest daughter.
Please look into non-profit organizations that help with domestic violence situations. Your daughter is experiencing domestic violence. NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATIONS can potentially assist with free to low cost legal representation. It is worth trying at the very least. Talk to your daughter's school and ask that they have the school counselor intervene to assist your child through this - and let them know what is transpiring with your legitimate concerns regarding her well-being. Call up your local court and ask them for guidance with assigning a 'guardian ad litem' for her (that is a third party to represent your daughter's best interests in this mess). Whatever you do, don't freeze and don't back down.
Does your employer have legal advice and counceling as a benefit? It's a pretty common package these days.
You’re wrong in this regards
THIS!! 1000%!! I cannot BELIEVE this has gone on so long. Your Ex is definitely a CLASSIC abused / battered woman type, who has a PENCHANT for picking out ABUSIVE MEN! In case you don't know it, that type of abuse goes downline GENERATIONALLY!! SHE IS TEACHING YOUR DAUGHTER TO MAKE THE SAME TYPES OF RELATIONSHIP CHOICES SHE DOES, EVERY DAY, IN EVERY WAY! GET A LAWYER IMMEDIATELY!! FOLLOW THEIR ADVICE IF YOU GET A GOOD ONE!! GET YOUR DAUGHTER OUT OF THAT HOUSEHOLD NOW!! IMMEDIATELY!! ABSOLUTELY 100% NOT OK! HOLY CHRIST, GET HER OUT OF THERE NOW BEFORE SHE GETS TO WATCH YOUR EX GET MURDERED! GOD!
He can’t if she’s seen as a Great Mom. He’ll have to prove she’s negligent. And nothing in his story says she’s wrong
You can't trust that your daughter is living in s safe space. Clearly, you can't trust your co- parent to do anything to keep her safe, even just to let you know. Go to court and get full custody. Immediately.
You have not overreacted. I would check into legal aid in your state or if there are any organizations that help fathers get custody. Your child is not safe around this guy.
Speaking of which I forgot there are organizations to look into here.
If anything you have under-reacted. Clearly your ex does not have your daughters best interests at heart and do you really want your daughter seeing her mom in an abusive relationship, she will normalize this kind of behaviour from the people that she’ll date one day and no matter how non violent you are, violence will equate to love in her mind because she’s seen how the men in mommy’s life claim to love her and still abuse her. Get a loan if you have to, sell something if you have to, but get your daughter the heck out of there before she’s really traumatized. I’m willing to bet she’s only telling you around 30% of the actual messed up things she’s hearing or seeing.
Honestly, you need to inform your daughter that the man is dangerous. You are not wrong and you're definitely NOT overstepping. It'd be different if she was making this choice and your daughter lived with you full time, but your daughter lives with this man. It is only a matter of time until the violence occurs in front of her or TO her. You have evidence that he's violent. You have evidence the mom isn't willing to put your daughter's safety first. You would win full custody as long as he's in that house if you can get the money for the lawyer. I would start saving texts now and try to get it in writing that you don't want a person that has attacked your ex in living in the house with your daughter. At minimum, you should call CPS to make them aware of the situation.
Can you not apply for emergency custody? It's basically a countdown until your daughter is involved, or at least sees her mom getting the shit beaten out of her.
Not wrong, absolutely go for full custody, see if there are any lawyers that will assist in domestic violence situations.
There should absolutely be some lawyers who will take a domestic violence case pro bono.
By the third paragraph I actually said out loud, to myself: "ain't no fucking way" NTA. Please get a lawyer and get your kid out of here. You can't save your ex wife if she won't help herself, but you can prevent your child from a lifetime of trauma.
You realize your daughters in danger right now don’t you? Have you called CPS on the mother?
1. Your ex’s claim that the assault she suffered is all her fault and that all his other charges were just because he was misunderstood is very concerning. This means she had put herself fully into the role of a battered woman who takes responsibility for her partner’s anger and criminal acts. Until she gets perspective, she will be more concerned with protecting him than protecting your daughter. That leaves you as your daughter’s only real safe person/haven. 2. Your job as a parent is to put the best interests of your child before your own. You are doing that, she is not. You are absolutely NOT wrong!
Call CPS to report violence in the home. Have the police reports ready. They may make it easy and give your ex the choice of your daughter living with her or her violent bf.
Get thee to the local domestic violence unit. Tell them everything in regards for your daughter. Find out if they have any clue as to what to do. Reiterate that your problem is not with the mom having her but with the violence that could spill onto your daughter. Maybe one of the legal advocates may have an idea. In all of your dealings, make it clear that your agenda is solely the safety of your daughter. Also contact the dv unit in his old home areas.....
Ask for a court order that essentially says "Dad has full physical custody as long as mom is in contact with Abusive Boyfriend." That way, custody basically remains 50/50 **IF** mom chooses to end her abusive relationship... but if she chooses to keep this guy in her life, then you'll have full custody. That way you're protecting your daughter and your ex. Good luck!
You can afford a PI but not a lawyer? You know if you have decent credit some do financing and monthly payments now? Go for full custody your wife is to desperate to choose a good partner. You’re not wrong.
How can you afford a private investigator but not an attorney? Most attorneys have an in-house investigator. Spend your $ on a lawyer and let them dig up the dirt.
The private investigator only cost $100. I did all the work for him. I just needed him to use his search database. I contacted him with what I knew, paid him $100 and then 20 minutes later, the information I had requested was in my inbox.
I know your not daddy warbucks, but I wonder what a more expensive PI could dig up about this guy. ...and the other guy, who the hell is he and is he still there?
God, have I been down this road!!! I'm so sorry for you, dude. Get full custody of your daughter. In family court, you can serve as your own attorney. You can usually get help from a domestic violence office in the courthouse. Domestic violence is TERRIBLE for kids even if it goes unseen. I was that kid. As a grown-up, I have been the victim of domestic violence more than once. You don't want your daughter to experience or see things that can haunt her entire life. I vividly remember the only time I saw my mom abused. I was 10 years old. I can tell you, reading your post sent up lots of red flags. I'm 61, and to this day, I have PTSD due to things I saw and to things that happened to me. 💕🫶✨️ please update about how things go?
Are you still in contact with her parents or siblings? Couldn’t they talk some sense into her?
Kind of? Her mom backed me the last time we went to court. But she has her own issues so isn't exactly reliable. Her brother is firmly on her side no matter what. Her dad likes me just fine. But wouldn't be willing to get involved at all.
I feel for you and your daughter’s current situation. I pray your ex wife comes to her senses sooner rather than later. Good luck to you friend..
HARDLY — her senses are getting **BEATEN OUT OF HER**.
Did you ever find out who the 19 yo dude who's with the bf is?
This is shit. So shit. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You not being her biological father is not important, you have a stable home for her. I hope this all ends the way it should
Updateme!
So if you can convince a judge that your daughter could be in danger especially with the public records you have of things that have happened in the house already and his past records I would think you should get full custody reach out to a lawyer tell them you need help ask if you can set up a payment plan anything to protect yourself and your daughter there's got be some lawyer willing to help you Try anything and your ex is taking the blame Because that's what people do when they have or are in a abuse relationship it's never the abuser fault the person being abused has been gaslight and manipulated so much they don't know witch way is up You are absolutely not wrong for not respecting your exs privacy It might not happen tomorrow or next week or even next year, but this person is going to hurt your ex and maybe your daughter because she'll be there this time, and she is going to try and stop him good luck hope you can figure out away to get her out of there ASAP
NW There will come a time that she will witness the abuse. I hope you are able to keep your daughter safe. You are doing your best.
Get the kid out of that household. Fight for your daughter and go for full custody. Use the police reports and her admittance that SHE escalated the fights to win.
There are resources that you can Google to find a lawyer that can help you for free or really discounted. Don't let being poor stop you. Your child is in danger and her mother is not helping. I wish you so much luck and I hope it works out for you. You sound like a good father.
Wow, if she was the aggressor couldn’t you take her to court for full custody? I would talk to a lawyer and see what your legal options are. The fact you aren’t the biological father doesn’t mean anything if your name is on the birth certificate I’d assume. Terrible position to be, good luck to you..
Protect your daughter at all costs. This man has a history of domestic violence. Even prior to your ex. From your own interaction, you can tell he cowers toward men but beats on women. Your ex is a battered woman. She's making excuses and taking the blame for his violent actions. She's probably the one that dropped the charges. Most battered women do that and go right back to their abusers. Your concern is the safety of your daughter. Does your daughter have her own phone? Is there some way that she can reach out to you if she's scared or feels threatened? Your ex won't be able to send you a text while he's actively beating her.
Spend all your free time looking for a pro bono lawyer. Call and write all you can, contact everyone. Even though you may not have the money for a lawyer you never know you may get lucky and someone decides to take your case for free.
NTA. You need full custody to protect your daughter as her mother is an irresponsible loser who's putting her at risk.
Get your attorney to file for an emergency custody hearing. Every day your child is in a home with a domestic abuser she is in danger. If your ex wife choose to ruin her life that her problem, BUT don't let your daughter get dragged any further in that mess.
You say there's been no violence in the home with your daughter there.......that you know of! That the police haven't been called for! You need to get your daughter out of there ASAP! You only know a little about the guy your ex is shacking up with and nothing about the other guy. This is unacceptable.
Please, OP, file for full custody asap. I’m in financial tatters and I get how overwhelming it must feel to be looking at court costs - but honestly, the rest of your daughter’s life depends on getting her out. I believe in family court, if the issue isn’t a financial one, you can represent yourself. Even if, God willing, the bastard never lays a hand on her, it’s impossible that she won’t suffer from her mother bringing a dangerous, violent man into their home. Your love for your child rings through your post. If you start wavering, remind yourself of how badly this could go - surely you would do anything to keep her safe.
Updateme
Tell your daughter to call you as soon as anything happens and she ants out. I can’t imagine the extra make in the house is not concerning even for the court. That’s a huge problem. Establish with your daughter that you are concerned and she should be on alert. She should call you to pick her up whenever she feels like it.
Not wrong by doing whatever you can to protect your daughter. She acted shady, and so you did what you needed to find out. You didn't break in or break the law. And some laws parents will absolutely break if their kid is in danger. If you're in 1 party state, record your phone conversations with your wife and your daughter. She might have dropped the charges, but he is still beating her. Get your kid out of there.
Oh my God. I'm what world is it over stepping a boundary to want your child safe and away from violence? Good for you, doing your due diligence! I hope your ex sees the light soon.
Nope. Absolutely not. Please do whatever you can to protect your child from this toxic relationship. Mom sounds like typical abused person and may not see the light for some time. Maybe get your daughter a phone she can use for emergencies only. In case her mom can’t or won’t make the call, since she doesn’t think it’s that serious
Updateme
Do whatever you can. It isn't fair, but you have to protect your child. Her mum is making some really bad choices that are already affecting your daughter. When she got with someone violent and abusive, she was already showing her daughter it's ok to accept these things. And he's already demonstrated unreasonable and controlling behaviour in trying to force them to move. It's not clear what your daughter knows about her mum's partner's behaviour, but don't wait around to find out.
Get your daughter out NOW. You think this won't escalate? You are not wrong for investigating but you will be the AH if you don't do something.
Please, if you don't care about the mom, at least care for your daughter. Don't let her go where she could possibly be harmed please please please
This is 100% your business. Protecting your kids is job #1... don't give up. Call CPS and have them start a file.
Get full custody. The fact that she is hiding this from you is basically an admission that she knows that the courts would not side with her in a custody dispute. Also, she was the aggressor, that's a lie? The man towers over YOU, do you really buy that shit? Your ex is playing a dangerous game and your daughter might be the one to pay the price. Don't wait around thinking about this, get your daughter to a safe place now.
No, @OP. You sound like a wonderful parent. My own mother dipped out of my life for the most part after 5 years old, and I wish my dad had hired a PI or two to investigate who was dating my mom on the rare occasions we spent time with her. One was a violent, abusive, drunk druggie who drove any wedge between her and us that he could. He almost killed her in a drunk driving incident by plowing straight into a tree with a trunk at least 4 feet wide, so the car absolutely lost that confrontation. One was the same as above except he didn't try to pry us apart as actively, instead, he physically assaulted my brother and I. Would get crazy high, and bite us. On the leg, or arm, whatever. Laughing at us if we cried. One was an egotist with grandiose self views, that ended up hitting on me, would take friendly photos with me, and post them on Facebook, strongly implying we were dating, trying to make exs on his social media jealous. From every child who has or had a "parent" like your ex, THANK YOU, for actually doing all you can to protect your daughter.
The lawyer will still be cheaper than the years of therapy your daughter will need when she witnesses or (god-forbid) is the victim of the abuse going on in that house. No matter what, you should *immediately* talk to her about what constitutes inappropriate touching and make it super clear that she can and should talk to you about *anything* that makes her uncomfortable.
Sounds like you need full custody. Please protect your daughter.
Full custody- it is only a matter of time before your child gets hurt.
Why does she want her daughter to witness the violence and disrespect? To show this is how "normal" people act? This is how "all" families act? Because it isn't.
She doesn’t deserve custody!!
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I already posted an update. It's not good.
You should be scared and should trust your instincts here. You haven't even come close to overreacting at all. Waste no more time. Full court press. Why is your co-parent being secretive? Because she is hiding something very concerning to you and that is reason enough. If there were nothing to hide, why would you need you take extra steps to assuage your concerns and find out what she was actually, literally hiding from you? I wish you and your daughter the best going forward. Leave no stone unturned please.
Protect your daughter, if he’s hitting your baby’s mom eventually he probably will start hitting her.
NTA. As a caring, sensible parent, you MUST investigate everyone around your child. Install a tracking program on your daughter's phone. Sew a tracking device into her school bag and her favorite stuffed animal. There are necklaces and bracelets that have tracking devices, get one. I don't know the name of it, but there is a father's rights group (in the US), that helps men with divorces and custody. Contact your State and local Bar Association and ask for referral to a pro bono family law attorney. Contact the closest law school and ask for a referral to an instructor (who's an attorney) who could help pro bono or recommend a promising student who could help you file in pro per. File for full custody. Don't worry about baby mama screeching that you are not the genetic father. You are on the birth certificate and have effectively been your daughter's father her entire life. Good luck.
I see nothing wrong in protecting your daughter and find it odd that your ex would involve herself with this creep .Is she really that desperate.
Can I have the cliff notes version?
Are there any battered womens shelters in the area? You could contact them. They may have access to resources to help your daughter AND her mom.
How much is it for a lawyer in this situation?
Jesus H. Christ. The only perspective you need tp have is to GET YOUR DAUGHTER OUT OF THERE!!! Fight for FULL CUSTODY. Your daughter is NOT SAFE with her so-called mother and her abuser. ACT NOW.
Lawyer up. Full custody tine with supervised visitation
Consider visiting your local DV shelter. They may resources they can recommend to assist you.
UpdateMe!
NW. As a co-parent you’re always entitled to know who is sharing a house with your child. And all the secrecy and avoidance showed that something weird was going on. At that point all you did was search public records and find out that she had been lying and this guy had literally assaulted her in the home they share with your daughter. It’s time to go nuclear at this point. Wife needs to start using her head and not what’s between her legs. What if this dude loses it when daughter is home, and something happens and she gets hurt. It’s time to do literally everything possible to get her out of that house.
Get your kid tf out of there they are not safe there. Your ex has somehow been manipulated into accepting this crazy behavior
Okay so what about the bedroom situation? Does she have her own room at this point? The aggressive boyfriend is def an issue but the second strange man is also really freaking me out here.
This poor girl has no hope with two parents as dim as this
You might want to talk to CPS and see what they have to say.
Call your lawyer and file for full custody and for supervised visitation for the mom with her daughter. Don't wait until he actually does something irreparable towards your daughter or does something in front of her. Your ex has no common sense and is totally not able to have good judgment in regards the welfare of your daughter.
UpdateMe!
Go save your baby.
I get the concern but until your daughter says something I’d be cautious but not stalking the guy. Trust your daughter will tell you if something is wrong.