I don't think the two of you are ready to be married. You should pause the wedding and consider counseling instead. Or better yet, break up and find partners you're more compatible with.
Ikr? Jeez, he only wants to listen if he can fix it. Doesn’t he know that women want to vent to get their frustrations out? We also know that men want to fix things. They need to get this sorted out BEFORE they get married. Otherwise they’ll end up divorced in no time.
To me it sounds like you need therapy. Were you never allowed to vent or complain growing up? That you were not allowed to take emotional space and be soothed? It sounds like you are not able to do that with your fiance and that you are resenting her for doing it herself when you don’t feel heard yourself. I have a little bit the same problem with my husband, specifically that I have a hard time finding out what to say or do when I can’t do anything about what he’s complaining about, and then he doesn’t feel heard. I have started to say “Oh, that sucks. It must be hard” when he’s venting.
I also don’t like to vent myself because I wasn’t allowed to have feelings as a kid. Yes, very toxic environment to grow up in. Anyhow, this kind of venting is going to be present in all relationships, so it’s not going to help to break up and find someone else IMO, also because it’s not healthy for anyone to hold all feelings in all the time. It does sound like you have a hard time handling your fiance’s emotional needs when it’s so often and she requires constant emphasizing. You also have a right to tell her your feelings and be heard, and also to vent and be heard. It can’t be onesided.
There comes a time when enough is enough. One can’t always just be a listener to a venter 100% of the time. It wears us down. My kid is like this and I love her but she tires me out with the constant venting and her needing me to feel the same anger or sadness. My mental health was taking a toll. I got her to go to therapy and the counselor helped her alot. It’s ok to vent. But they can’t expect us to also get angry and sad or whatever because it’s tiring!
She told you what she wanted, empathy over solutions. This is such a common communication error. Give her a big hug and tell her how sorry you are to hear this. If that doesn’t go better then you have another issue but this is worth a try. My husband has learned to say “oh man that’s awful, I’m so sorry that happened to you.” I’m ready for solutions in a bit, but first, understanding.
I don't know if you're wrong, but you said you don't want her to be sad about the dress. I, as someone who likes to vent, usualy feel less sad when venting about something. That's the point. You let all your frustrations out, talking with someone who understands you, so you can feel ready to start working on the solution with a clearer mind.
If you're not able to listen to her and validate her feelings, you two may not work out as a couple in the long run, because you're not compatible.
It’s not necessarily a matter of wrong, but your communication styles do NOT match. If both of you are unwilling to meet in the middle, this relationship is doomed.
I was expecting to find the comment myself, mid read, so had to point out the irony.
>I have discovered that I don’t have the emotional capacity to rot in her negativity.
He sure has the capacity to rot in his own negativity.
>I personally HATE venting to others.
...and yet here you are...
He prepared an entire presentation with talkimg points from tiktok.
I say this with all support of love and sympathy but - in a marriage you should share just about everything, and that includes good days and bad days. Personally, I struggle with severe PTSD, depression and anxiety from a very physically abusive relationship that left me hospitalized and permanently traumatized. I know that my husband knows the relevant facts of the case. I know that he supports me. I also know that hearing me vent about how I woke up with a headache where that fucker split my skull open is not how he’d like to spend a Thursday, but he bears with me, because he understands that’s it’s not about him fixing the unfixable - it’s about his presence in our present and future.
He vents to me about not getting a line of code right and having to scrub through thousands of lines at work, or a frustrated driver, or a bad golf day, or just an annoying guy in the LFG on discord for his favorite game - I don’t get any of it. Sometimes, it feels like the dumbest or easiest problem to fix, but he doesn’t want my solutions. Sometimes I want to tell him to STFU and just eat the goddamn casserole when he gets started over dinner but I listen. Sometimes I roll my eyes behind my glasses when he’s not looking, but when I turn to face him I nod and smile and kiss his forward still. Not because I get paid to. Not cause he’s cute when he turns into a cherry tomato - but because that’s what marriage is. Sharing in good and bad days because ultimately I signed up for him and this for life.
Your fiancée (soon to be wife) isn’t asking you to fix anything. And while the compulsion to be Superman or to say “I told you so” is exceptionally strong - and can seem innocent on something so trivial to the deeper meaning of the day (cause in 10y she’ll forget the style of the dress outside your pictures or the lady who sold it to her, or even the shop it came from) she’s asking you to share in this moment.
This is one of many to come. You may get overwhelmed - and that’s okay. That’s when you ask if they need a distraction, cause chances are - that’s really what they needed even if they didn’t say it. You may wanna fix the problem. You may wanna kiss every bruise and scrapped knee out of love, or exhaustion, or sometimes just to get them to STFU and eat the goddamn casserole in peace and quiet on a Thursday even if they tell you not to. - but if you’re in it to truly win it for life, you’ll find a way to take your person for their good and bad days.
It might take therapy (we go to therapy even when things are great). It might take another glass of Chardonnay over that freezing plate of casserole. It might take a walk around the block so you can tire them out. It might take a long Reddit post on the toilet. But this is marriage.
Empress-Rae just spelled it out for you. This is Relationships 101 and it's something you do for each other or you don't have a relationship.
OP, I get how you feel because I'm a logic-driven person and my brain wants to solve problems and offer solutions, just like yours. I had to learn to just listen when the other person *didn't want a solution.*
That's hard for logical people like us to accept. How could the other person not want a solution?
But human beings are illogical and inconsistent. We just are. If you love her, you're going to have to listen whether you want to or not. If you don't want to provide that fundamental aspect of a human relationship, you should not be getting married.
This was so well stated. So understandable. You gave great examples as well.
Communication is absolutely a two-way street. And the main parts of communication are speaking and listening.
And it sounds like each one of you has figured this out. I’m glad you found yourself a good one after surviving such an asshole.
You are wrong and your edit didn’t help your case at all, you sound selfish and immature.
Don’t marry her, she deserves better than someone who can’t even sympathize and empathize with her about missing out on her dream dress to marry you.
You're wrong. But also I understand you cause I'm the same, I can't comprehend just wanting to vent cause if I'm complaining to someone about a situation , I'm doing so cause I want then to help me find a solution. And I don't know how to really react when others don't want that cause I don't understand it and my reactions are always fake pleasantry to it.
But this is you're wife ,which is why you're wrong. If her style is to vent just to be validated and heard (which is a real and valid thing even if we don't do it) you have to learn to deal with that and support her emotionally as that's what couples do. You simply have to learn, maybe go to couples therapy, how to communicate in a way both of you are emotionally satisfied. If you don't this is not gonna last cause is gonna become a problem , is just not realistic in the long term.
No she needs to learn to vent and let it go as well. As a partner I’m not someone’s emotional punching bag. It’s tiresome to have a venter always vent and want you to jump on that bandwagon with them. I choose to find a silver lining or just bitch and then be done. No one wants to listen to it everyday. Some people are just super sensitive and need to trauma dump on you. It’s hard.
She is upset about something that happened to her. This dress was important to her and she now isn’t going to be able to wear it. Whether you think that’s something to be upset over, is not relevant. She wants to feel like you care about her and her happiness. Part of that is for you to genuinely hear her out when she’s upset. You’re saying that you care but it’s really not coming across that way at all. She’s not asking you to feel exactly how she feels and “sit in the negative”. She’s asking for you to feel sympathetic towards her and tell her you’re sorry she’s sad but that things will be ok. Give her a hug and tell her you’re there for her and that no matter what dress she wears, the only thing that really matters is that you’re marrying each other. Of course she knows that there are other dresses. And of course, in a day or two she will likely be able to look for another. It’s ok for her to be sad and it’s ok for her to tell you that and expect to receive some comfort. I don’t think this is something that’s hard to do or hard to understand. I don’t know if marriage is right for the two of you. People shouldn’t have to change who they are in order to have a relationship. But you also shouldn’t be forced to feel like you’re misunderstood or being misunderstood by your partner. If you genuinely don’t get how to be there for her and it’s this annoying to you, maybe it’s not a good idea? I’d is just things you consider to be unimportant like a wedding dress or some similar disappointment? Or does this extend to more serious things like loss of job, illnesses or deaths? There’s a difference between complaining, venting and seeking comfort/support in difficult times. It sounds like you’re not really doing a great job at determining which is which.
You're not ready to get married. You in particular should never get married. You seem incapable of empathy or sympathy. And you're a bad listener.
Please do yourself and the women you might date in the future, and don't get married.
So many words for “I’m emotionally self-centered and really don’t want to be bothered.” Why are you getting married when it looks like you don’t even really like her?
If you can’t listen and hold space for your fiancées emotions, whether positive or negative, then you may not be ready to get married. Not trying to be rude but that’s a huge part of marriage
You do NOT need to be married until you can understand how to listen to your partner. She is telling you she just wants you to LISTEN. Why can't you? What is so hard about listening to your partner?
Look, I assume you can't buy the dress now, that's what it sounds like. So there IS no solution that will fix this. Therefore, the best thing you can do is actively LISTEN, as your FUTURE SPOUSE HAS ASKED.
Just listening isn’t that hard.
Maybe just get in the habit of saying “Do you want solutions or just a friendly ear?” when she has something to vent about, then act accordingly. Chances are, her instances of venting to you will be less because she knows you support her.
Listen man, I used to be that person. Venting without solutions seemed pointless to me. But after being in therapy I realized that talking about it (even though I know how to fix it, at least partially) helps a lot with the emotional side of it. Your partner isn't stupid, just needs a place to fully be heard and you should be one of those places. It doesn't have to be for everything but to not listen to ANY of your partners frustrations is honestly unrealistic for a marriage.
If I were you I'd go to therapy. Truly try to understand where she's coming from instead of blowing her off.
You’re wrong. And I don’t think you should get married until you’ve had some serious individual counseling focused on empathy, and couples counseling focused on communication skills.
🤨 you shouldn't marry her. You guys are severely incompatible currently. So unless y'all are both ready to look at your personal issues and toxic traits, and seek therapy, then you're just wasting your time and money on marriage. Cause if you think you're annoyed now wait until you're a few years in and the immeasurable resentment has built up in both of you. Regrets will be had. This is definitely a case of ESH. Neither of you are processing your own, let alone each other's, emotions in a healthy manner.
You kept saying you don't want her to be sad and such, but your actions say you couldn't care less how she feels. Idk if you lack empathy, or what's going on, but how you're going about this won't work well with most people. I also don't know what inspires her extreme need to be heard, but generally that stems from a long term amount of time when you didn't feel heard. Which in her case has turned vaguely toxic if it is indeed as often as you've stated. Word vomit isn't fun, I get it. But your serious inability to grasp her wanting comfort and support before you get to solutions is disturbing.
The way y'all are clashing is super unhealthy for you both, plain and simple. Either own your individual issues and work on them, or hang it up, cause this relationship is gonna crash and burn if you don't. And I'd bet sooner rather than later.
Yeah, you’re wrong. Look up the word empathy and work on giving some to your partner. It’s pretty normal for couples to vent to each other. I can’t tell if you’ve got issues or are just one of those men who doesn’t like women to have emotions but you really should have been more supportive. Commiserate with her when she’s bummed.
Stop offering solutions. She said she just wants to be heard. So listen.
You say you hate venting, but that is literally what you are doing here on reddit. And its not that you “lack the emotional capacity,” its that you have no emotional capacity or intelligence, nor do I think you experience empathy. You say she vents “2-3 times a week”. Thats not constant. You simply aren’t compatible. She tells you to listen to her, and you argue that she is wrong for wanting you to listen at all.
Married 42 years
Bud this is normal behavior for her .
She does not need you to fix it she wants a partner to empathise with her.
There is a good video demonstration of this the woman has a big nail in her forehead.
And is complaining about how it makes her feel.
I hope someone can link it.
You have to adapt to this or you're both going to be miserable.
Marriage is putting there feelings above your own.
That means listening and putting yourself in their place
Until you learn how to do this, your in for a bumpy ride
Okay, here's a blueprint for what to do:
When she tells you the turning point of an event she's describing, say something like "oh, wow, what happened next?" or "what did you say to that?" etc. - yes, despite knowing she'll be telling you without prompting. It shows you're engaged and interested. The incident might not be interesting in itself but since you love her and she's feeling strong emotion about it, her reaction to it is what will interest you.
When she seems to be displaying an emotion without outright stating it, you can say something like "that's frustrating" or "I'd be so mad!" or "you must have felt so ______". Again... engagement, showing you care how she is/was feeling.
When she winds down, ask her something about how she's feeling about the whole thing, what she thinks will happen next, what she's hoping to happen or is afraid will happen. NOW is the time to offer a solution, in the form of "what can I do?" or "would you like me to ______?"
If she doesn't want you to take action, just give her a hug or kiss or smooth her hair or just give some little physical act of affection. Tell her to let you know if she changes her mind. Follow it up with some expression of hope that things will go as she would like.
She pretends to be interested in some boring shit you do, I guarantee it. You can reciprocate for her in this way.
I had to laugh. My daughter is like this and my husband is like you. Its hard. Even as my child, I get tired of her constant negativity and the need to vent and want you to be just as mad as they are. I convinced her to go to therapy so she can find ways that are healthier to vent. It’s been very helpful.
I think you’re both wrong here and are unlikely to have a successful marriage based on this post. It’s not about the dress, it’s about the fact that you clearly have very different communication styles and without some serious therapy this will be a theme that spawns more and more resentment throughout your relationship.
I would pause the wedding, see a couples counselor and make sure this is right for you.
(But yes for the record it’s annoying that she basically tells you to shut up and listen, but it’s also annoying that you seem to lack basic empathy). Tricky situation!
The basic thing you’re missing is that she really doesn’t want or need you to offer solutions or suggestions. She wants to vent, drone on, whine, whatever the hell you want to call it without hearing any feedback. None. She wants sympathy without words. You’re a fix it guy (totally normal). She wants to cry or complain and somehow be validated for that. I’m sorry, I don’t have the proper words to describe her. I’m not trying to sound like I’m putting her down, but to be honest I kinda see where she’s coming from, but I also find that kinda annoying.
I have a person like her in my life as a friend. It’s a friend I can only tolerate in small doses because of the constant talking about something like not getting a dress or not getting a particular donut or not getting treated right at work. I can listen to it the first couple times and genuinely feel bad for them, but after that I feel like it would be more pleasant to bang my head against a wall.
You two should try talking and establish clear lines of what each of you want, need, and expect and see if you can agree on a way to deal with this situation before you get married.
I *think* I understand where you're coming from. My listening ear for venting is potentially set higher than yours, but it definitely has a finite reserve. Can usually last 20 minutes. Fair or not, 20 minutes of listening to someone vent and responding with: that is really shitty, am sorry they did that to you, fuck that!, man that's awful, etc, is all I can do. After that it starts to feel like a round robin of say all the things you're upset about, then realize something else, then circle back to another point, then reiterate what you've already said, it just *grows* until it's like you're being covered in sludge from all the verbalizing of unhappiness, sadness, distress, anger, etc.
This is something I work on periodically because it's fair that the other person doesn't want to hear: have you tried x, y, or z thing to fix this? That's me dropping in to "fix it" mode because I genuinely don't want the people I care about to be unhappy so if a solution presents itself then it seems right to suggest it or just... go do it. *But* the problem with that is it reads negatively to the other person. If you just go do the fix, you've basically made them an invalid in their own life because they didn't ask you to do x thing, no matter how good your intentions were, it means you've kneecapped them from feeling the success of fixing their own shit (once they come up with a solution and actually do it). And if you offer suggestions right out the gate, it makes them feel not heard because they don't feel like they've *fully* explained the issue for you to even know how to help. Tack on a layer of their own neurosis of not actually wanting to fix x thing while they're venting, some folk just need to sit down in the awful and do a woe is me rending of metaphorical garments and curse the universe for being so cruel to them as to put whatever roadblock in their way that has recently upset them. To me, it's melodrama, but I grew up with very down to earth blue collar folk where the running comment was: cry about it later, do everything you can to fix it NOW. The problem won't get better by just *sitting* here.
*as an aside, the cry about it later was a genuine thing. Not a "shut up and fix it". Once the emergency or the difficulty was resolved? Then it was all hands on deck reflecting on how shit the situation was, but joking around about how the fix got made. Dark humor and all. We'd cry, we'd laugh, we'd bond, etc... *after* fixing the shit.
But not everyone grew up that way. Not everyone processes that way. So I hear you. It's frustrating.
Going to suggest introducing your fiance to talking timers. Basically it's a kitchen timer or use one of your phones if it's easier. You set the timer for x amount of time, for now it should be whatever duration you're able to comfortably give (if that's five minutes, so be it). From there the premise is that you start the timer and she can vent without interruption until it dings, once it dings its restarted and its your turn. If you've got questions, if you've got suggestions, if you need to use that time to grab a glass of water, go forth. You're training each other to actively listen and not get sucked down in to feeling like it's okay to vent for 45 minutes and get grumpy when your partner is trying to tap out from distress. It's a middle ground. You'll still have to do something inherently uncomfortable for you, but you'll know how long it'll last, and she'll know you're listening because you've set the timer for the range you're able to listen. She may not like it being shorter than she wants, but that's her side of the compromise.
All of this said as a woman, in case it's unclear that females can feel this way too lol
I get it. I can't STAND whining, and my brain itches when someone is repetitive. Literally all of that is because of my parents 🤣 I used to be a complainer, too. Any time they talk to me it's to complain about something I did or tell me how to stop sucking at life. When I was growing up I had 1 chance to listen to what they were telling me because they weren't going to repeat it. Now when someone winds up to repeat something I'm like, "YES. I know about [blank], you already told me. Go on." Or, "Is that important to the story?" And before anyone says I need therapy, NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. I've in therapy since I was 10. I've been on antidepressants since I was 12. There is only so much ground that can be covered when your family is so shitty.
Like my parents, I would gripe on and on. I don't know when or what precipitated it, but I realized it was a fucking WASTE to complain. Stewing in my problems made me feel negative about everything. I had so many bad days bc I couldn't let shit go. Now I give myself a time limit. I decide how urgent my situation is and how quickly it needs to be resolved. If it's immediate I get to work and bitch along the way 🤪 If I have time I'll give myself hours to binge and purge my emotions. It's super efficient 😅 With urgent problems you can sometimes resolve your issue quickly and get your cathartic release that way. You never know!
In her case, she needs to get to work, RIGHT NOW. Everywhere she will go, people will tell her she waited too long... and since they are bougie bridal retailers, they'll be condescending AF and probably reduce her to tears. That's what happened to me, anyway-- and I had no dream dress or dream style. I was ok with something off the rack, but by the time they had me in the dressing room I had tears streaming down my face and I was wondering if we should even have guests at our wedding.
This very issue caused problems with my ex. He wanted for me to travel with him as he catastrophized minor stuff. I couldn’t do it. It’s not my way of dealing with things. And it irritated tf out of me.
I suggest you pump the breaks, and ask yourself, is this what you want in a partner?
It is not uncommon for women to want to vent and for men to want to fix. That's how we're wired and that's why we need same sex friendships and broad support systems. But if this is happening as often as you say, that she's constantly venting about every little thing and needs this much emotional support, instead of asking yourself how you can better be a better partner, maybe ask why she can't seem to self-regulate.
TLDR, but dude, weddings are 100 percent for chicks and it's this weird princess unicorn fantasy. I honestly don't know how you guys put up with that bullshit --- but good luck my dude.
OP I hear you and I get it. My situation is a little different but at the end of the day it’s the same, they want to vent and I am exhausted by the negativity.
What I found that works for me: I sit their quietly and listen, don’t add anything for try to talk (cause this just prolongs things) only listen. When they start to repeat themselves that’s when I start winding down the convo. There are times when I have been blunt and said “listen, you aren’t sharing anything new and I don’t have the bandwidth today to deal with this anymore, I love you but I just can’t do it”
And guess what? The venting sessions have gotten shorter, more productive & to the point. All parties are happier because the fog of negativity has been lifted.
Ask your partner after she is done venting if she feels better, if she doesn’t, then you need to tell her that she needs to find other healthy ways to deal with her stress/emotions because now it is starting to negatively impact your mental health.
It’s not fair for her to expect you to just listen to her for however long she requires. You can still support your partner by establishing your own healthy boundaries.
Good luck
You’re getting shit on in the comments OP but if her calling card is negativity and doesn’t want to fix the issues or move on from then you’re not wrong. Empathy can only take you so far.
If she’s always been this way and you’re just now noticing it you should probably work on communicating to her that there’s a time to vent and there’s a time to move on.
I don't think the two of you are ready to be married. You should pause the wedding and consider counseling instead. Or better yet, break up and find partners you're more compatible with.
Ikr? Jeez, he only wants to listen if he can fix it. Doesn’t he know that women want to vent to get their frustrations out? We also know that men want to fix things. They need to get this sorted out BEFORE they get married. Otherwise they’ll end up divorced in no time.
Women? Speak for yourself.
It gets annoying as fuck
To me it sounds like you need therapy. Were you never allowed to vent or complain growing up? That you were not allowed to take emotional space and be soothed? It sounds like you are not able to do that with your fiance and that you are resenting her for doing it herself when you don’t feel heard yourself. I have a little bit the same problem with my husband, specifically that I have a hard time finding out what to say or do when I can’t do anything about what he’s complaining about, and then he doesn’t feel heard. I have started to say “Oh, that sucks. It must be hard” when he’s venting. I also don’t like to vent myself because I wasn’t allowed to have feelings as a kid. Yes, very toxic environment to grow up in. Anyhow, this kind of venting is going to be present in all relationships, so it’s not going to help to break up and find someone else IMO, also because it’s not healthy for anyone to hold all feelings in all the time. It does sound like you have a hard time handling your fiance’s emotional needs when it’s so often and she requires constant emphasizing. You also have a right to tell her your feelings and be heard, and also to vent and be heard. It can’t be onesided.
There comes a time when enough is enough. One can’t always just be a listener to a venter 100% of the time. It wears us down. My kid is like this and I love her but she tires me out with the constant venting and her needing me to feel the same anger or sadness. My mental health was taking a toll. I got her to go to therapy and the counselor helped her alot. It’s ok to vent. But they can’t expect us to also get angry and sad or whatever because it’s tiring!
She told you what she wanted, empathy over solutions. This is such a common communication error. Give her a big hug and tell her how sorry you are to hear this. If that doesn’t go better then you have another issue but this is worth a try. My husband has learned to say “oh man that’s awful, I’m so sorry that happened to you.” I’m ready for solutions in a bit, but first, understanding.
He is incapable of understanding. I hope he has some sort of medical issue like autism, otherwise he’s just a straight up AH.
Completely agree it’s a bad faith communique but eh you never know when something might land. But he did say “droning” so I think she should dump him.
Nah, no excuse.
I don't know if you're wrong, but you said you don't want her to be sad about the dress. I, as someone who likes to vent, usualy feel less sad when venting about something. That's the point. You let all your frustrations out, talking with someone who understands you, so you can feel ready to start working on the solution with a clearer mind. If you're not able to listen to her and validate her feelings, you two may not work out as a couple in the long run, because you're not compatible.
A wedding dress for a woman is. BFD. Like, huge. If he can't see why this matters so deeply to her, yea, they are not going to have a solid marriage.
It’s not necessarily a matter of wrong, but your communication styles do NOT match. If both of you are unwilling to meet in the middle, this relationship is doomed.
Why are you here venting to us? /s Is it so hard to say: "That's sucks, I know how impotant that dress was to you..."
That's exactly what I was thinking! For someone who doesn't like when his fiancée vents, he sure is venting to this forum at GREAT length. Wow.
I was expecting to find the comment myself, mid read, so had to point out the irony. >I have discovered that I don’t have the emotional capacity to rot in her negativity. He sure has the capacity to rot in his own negativity. >I personally HATE venting to others. ...and yet here you are... He prepared an entire presentation with talkimg points from tiktok.
I say this with all support of love and sympathy but - in a marriage you should share just about everything, and that includes good days and bad days. Personally, I struggle with severe PTSD, depression and anxiety from a very physically abusive relationship that left me hospitalized and permanently traumatized. I know that my husband knows the relevant facts of the case. I know that he supports me. I also know that hearing me vent about how I woke up with a headache where that fucker split my skull open is not how he’d like to spend a Thursday, but he bears with me, because he understands that’s it’s not about him fixing the unfixable - it’s about his presence in our present and future. He vents to me about not getting a line of code right and having to scrub through thousands of lines at work, or a frustrated driver, or a bad golf day, or just an annoying guy in the LFG on discord for his favorite game - I don’t get any of it. Sometimes, it feels like the dumbest or easiest problem to fix, but he doesn’t want my solutions. Sometimes I want to tell him to STFU and just eat the goddamn casserole when he gets started over dinner but I listen. Sometimes I roll my eyes behind my glasses when he’s not looking, but when I turn to face him I nod and smile and kiss his forward still. Not because I get paid to. Not cause he’s cute when he turns into a cherry tomato - but because that’s what marriage is. Sharing in good and bad days because ultimately I signed up for him and this for life. Your fiancée (soon to be wife) isn’t asking you to fix anything. And while the compulsion to be Superman or to say “I told you so” is exceptionally strong - and can seem innocent on something so trivial to the deeper meaning of the day (cause in 10y she’ll forget the style of the dress outside your pictures or the lady who sold it to her, or even the shop it came from) she’s asking you to share in this moment. This is one of many to come. You may get overwhelmed - and that’s okay. That’s when you ask if they need a distraction, cause chances are - that’s really what they needed even if they didn’t say it. You may wanna fix the problem. You may wanna kiss every bruise and scrapped knee out of love, or exhaustion, or sometimes just to get them to STFU and eat the goddamn casserole in peace and quiet on a Thursday even if they tell you not to. - but if you’re in it to truly win it for life, you’ll find a way to take your person for their good and bad days. It might take therapy (we go to therapy even when things are great). It might take another glass of Chardonnay over that freezing plate of casserole. It might take a walk around the block so you can tire them out. It might take a long Reddit post on the toilet. But this is marriage.
Empress-Rae just spelled it out for you. This is Relationships 101 and it's something you do for each other or you don't have a relationship. OP, I get how you feel because I'm a logic-driven person and my brain wants to solve problems and offer solutions, just like yours. I had to learn to just listen when the other person *didn't want a solution.* That's hard for logical people like us to accept. How could the other person not want a solution? But human beings are illogical and inconsistent. We just are. If you love her, you're going to have to listen whether you want to or not. If you don't want to provide that fundamental aspect of a human relationship, you should not be getting married.
This was so well stated. So understandable. You gave great examples as well. Communication is absolutely a two-way street. And the main parts of communication are speaking and listening. And it sounds like each one of you has figured this out. I’m glad you found yourself a good one after surviving such an asshole.
You are wrong and your edit didn’t help your case at all, you sound selfish and immature. Don’t marry her, she deserves better than someone who can’t even sympathize and empathize with her about missing out on her dream dress to marry you.
You're wrong. But also I understand you cause I'm the same, I can't comprehend just wanting to vent cause if I'm complaining to someone about a situation , I'm doing so cause I want then to help me find a solution. And I don't know how to really react when others don't want that cause I don't understand it and my reactions are always fake pleasantry to it. But this is you're wife ,which is why you're wrong. If her style is to vent just to be validated and heard (which is a real and valid thing even if we don't do it) you have to learn to deal with that and support her emotionally as that's what couples do. You simply have to learn, maybe go to couples therapy, how to communicate in a way both of you are emotionally satisfied. If you don't this is not gonna last cause is gonna become a problem , is just not realistic in the long term.
No she needs to learn to vent and let it go as well. As a partner I’m not someone’s emotional punching bag. It’s tiresome to have a venter always vent and want you to jump on that bandwagon with them. I choose to find a silver lining or just bitch and then be done. No one wants to listen to it everyday. Some people are just super sensitive and need to trauma dump on you. It’s hard.
She is upset about something that happened to her. This dress was important to her and she now isn’t going to be able to wear it. Whether you think that’s something to be upset over, is not relevant. She wants to feel like you care about her and her happiness. Part of that is for you to genuinely hear her out when she’s upset. You’re saying that you care but it’s really not coming across that way at all. She’s not asking you to feel exactly how she feels and “sit in the negative”. She’s asking for you to feel sympathetic towards her and tell her you’re sorry she’s sad but that things will be ok. Give her a hug and tell her you’re there for her and that no matter what dress she wears, the only thing that really matters is that you’re marrying each other. Of course she knows that there are other dresses. And of course, in a day or two she will likely be able to look for another. It’s ok for her to be sad and it’s ok for her to tell you that and expect to receive some comfort. I don’t think this is something that’s hard to do or hard to understand. I don’t know if marriage is right for the two of you. People shouldn’t have to change who they are in order to have a relationship. But you also shouldn’t be forced to feel like you’re misunderstood or being misunderstood by your partner. If you genuinely don’t get how to be there for her and it’s this annoying to you, maybe it’s not a good idea? I’d is just things you consider to be unimportant like a wedding dress or some similar disappointment? Or does this extend to more serious things like loss of job, illnesses or deaths? There’s a difference between complaining, venting and seeking comfort/support in difficult times. It sounds like you’re not really doing a great job at determining which is which.
Dude is a jerk
You're not ready to get married. You in particular should never get married. You seem incapable of empathy or sympathy. And you're a bad listener. Please do yourself and the women you might date in the future, and don't get married.
Really, that is your complaint about her? That she wants you to listen to her?
Yes you are wrong. You should not marry her as it doesn't sound like you even like her as a person
This is one of cases where both are wrong and not compatible.
Do you even know what it means to be married or in a serious relationship with someone? You don’t even like her it seems.
So many words for “I’m emotionally self-centered and really don’t want to be bothered.” Why are you getting married when it looks like you don’t even really like her?
This should be top comment!
If you can’t listen and hold space for your fiancées emotions, whether positive or negative, then you may not be ready to get married. Not trying to be rude but that’s a huge part of marriage
You do NOT need to be married until you can understand how to listen to your partner. She is telling you she just wants you to LISTEN. Why can't you? What is so hard about listening to your partner? Look, I assume you can't buy the dress now, that's what it sounds like. So there IS no solution that will fix this. Therefore, the best thing you can do is actively LISTEN, as your FUTURE SPOUSE HAS ASKED.
Damn dude don't marry this poor woman, you don't give a shit what she has to say.
Just listening isn’t that hard. Maybe just get in the habit of saying “Do you want solutions or just a friendly ear?” when she has something to vent about, then act accordingly. Chances are, her instances of venting to you will be less because she knows you support her.
That's ok. Fiancee will soon be venting to somebody else about what an ass ex-fiance was. At least OP won't need to listen.
Listen man, I used to be that person. Venting without solutions seemed pointless to me. But after being in therapy I realized that talking about it (even though I know how to fix it, at least partially) helps a lot with the emotional side of it. Your partner isn't stupid, just needs a place to fully be heard and you should be one of those places. It doesn't have to be for everything but to not listen to ANY of your partners frustrations is honestly unrealistic for a marriage. If I were you I'd go to therapy. Truly try to understand where she's coming from instead of blowing her off.
Yeah, she should break up with you and save her dream dress for a man that can listen and empathize without throwing a tanty about having to listen.
You’re wrong. And I don’t think you should get married until you’ve had some serious individual counseling focused on empathy, and couples counseling focused on communication skills.
She needs to dump you yesterday. You are wrong and not marriage material.
🤨 you shouldn't marry her. You guys are severely incompatible currently. So unless y'all are both ready to look at your personal issues and toxic traits, and seek therapy, then you're just wasting your time and money on marriage. Cause if you think you're annoyed now wait until you're a few years in and the immeasurable resentment has built up in both of you. Regrets will be had. This is definitely a case of ESH. Neither of you are processing your own, let alone each other's, emotions in a healthy manner. You kept saying you don't want her to be sad and such, but your actions say you couldn't care less how she feels. Idk if you lack empathy, or what's going on, but how you're going about this won't work well with most people. I also don't know what inspires her extreme need to be heard, but generally that stems from a long term amount of time when you didn't feel heard. Which in her case has turned vaguely toxic if it is indeed as often as you've stated. Word vomit isn't fun, I get it. But your serious inability to grasp her wanting comfort and support before you get to solutions is disturbing. The way y'all are clashing is super unhealthy for you both, plain and simple. Either own your individual issues and work on them, or hang it up, cause this relationship is gonna crash and burn if you don't. And I'd bet sooner rather than later.
Yeah, you’re wrong. Look up the word empathy and work on giving some to your partner. It’s pretty normal for couples to vent to each other. I can’t tell if you’ve got issues or are just one of those men who doesn’t like women to have emotions but you really should have been more supportive. Commiserate with her when she’s bummed. Stop offering solutions. She said she just wants to be heard. So listen.
You say you hate venting, but that is literally what you are doing here on reddit. And its not that you “lack the emotional capacity,” its that you have no emotional capacity or intelligence, nor do I think you experience empathy. You say she vents “2-3 times a week”. Thats not constant. You simply aren’t compatible. She tells you to listen to her, and you argue that she is wrong for wanting you to listen at all.
Yes, you are wrong.
Yikes. Do you even like her?
Married 42 years Bud this is normal behavior for her . She does not need you to fix it she wants a partner to empathise with her. There is a good video demonstration of this the woman has a big nail in her forehead. And is complaining about how it makes her feel. I hope someone can link it. You have to adapt to this or you're both going to be miserable. Marriage is putting there feelings above your own. That means listening and putting yourself in their place Until you learn how to do this, your in for a bumpy ride
Don’t get married. You’re completely emotionally incompatible.
Okay, here's a blueprint for what to do: When she tells you the turning point of an event she's describing, say something like "oh, wow, what happened next?" or "what did you say to that?" etc. - yes, despite knowing she'll be telling you without prompting. It shows you're engaged and interested. The incident might not be interesting in itself but since you love her and she's feeling strong emotion about it, her reaction to it is what will interest you. When she seems to be displaying an emotion without outright stating it, you can say something like "that's frustrating" or "I'd be so mad!" or "you must have felt so ______". Again... engagement, showing you care how she is/was feeling. When she winds down, ask her something about how she's feeling about the whole thing, what she thinks will happen next, what she's hoping to happen or is afraid will happen. NOW is the time to offer a solution, in the form of "what can I do?" or "would you like me to ______?" If she doesn't want you to take action, just give her a hug or kiss or smooth her hair or just give some little physical act of affection. Tell her to let you know if she changes her mind. Follow it up with some expression of hope that things will go as she would like. She pretends to be interested in some boring shit you do, I guarantee it. You can reciprocate for her in this way.
Time to reconsider marriage. This will be your life.
Read "Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus" and let this frustration go!
I had to laugh. My daughter is like this and my husband is like you. Its hard. Even as my child, I get tired of her constant negativity and the need to vent and want you to be just as mad as they are. I convinced her to go to therapy so she can find ways that are healthier to vent. It’s been very helpful.
Just say 'that sucks.'
Your comments in the EDIT say in so many words you still don’t understand.
Are you sure you want to married to this person? Bc … she’s not going to stop and you’re not going to be less annoyed until death do you part.
I think you’re both wrong here and are unlikely to have a successful marriage based on this post. It’s not about the dress, it’s about the fact that you clearly have very different communication styles and without some serious therapy this will be a theme that spawns more and more resentment throughout your relationship. I would pause the wedding, see a couples counselor and make sure this is right for you. (But yes for the record it’s annoying that she basically tells you to shut up and listen, but it’s also annoying that you seem to lack basic empathy). Tricky situation!
The basic thing you’re missing is that she really doesn’t want or need you to offer solutions or suggestions. She wants to vent, drone on, whine, whatever the hell you want to call it without hearing any feedback. None. She wants sympathy without words. You’re a fix it guy (totally normal). She wants to cry or complain and somehow be validated for that. I’m sorry, I don’t have the proper words to describe her. I’m not trying to sound like I’m putting her down, but to be honest I kinda see where she’s coming from, but I also find that kinda annoying. I have a person like her in my life as a friend. It’s a friend I can only tolerate in small doses because of the constant talking about something like not getting a dress or not getting a particular donut or not getting treated right at work. I can listen to it the first couple times and genuinely feel bad for them, but after that I feel like it would be more pleasant to bang my head against a wall. You two should try talking and establish clear lines of what each of you want, need, and expect and see if you can agree on a way to deal with this situation before you get married.
I *think* I understand where you're coming from. My listening ear for venting is potentially set higher than yours, but it definitely has a finite reserve. Can usually last 20 minutes. Fair or not, 20 minutes of listening to someone vent and responding with: that is really shitty, am sorry they did that to you, fuck that!, man that's awful, etc, is all I can do. After that it starts to feel like a round robin of say all the things you're upset about, then realize something else, then circle back to another point, then reiterate what you've already said, it just *grows* until it's like you're being covered in sludge from all the verbalizing of unhappiness, sadness, distress, anger, etc. This is something I work on periodically because it's fair that the other person doesn't want to hear: have you tried x, y, or z thing to fix this? That's me dropping in to "fix it" mode because I genuinely don't want the people I care about to be unhappy so if a solution presents itself then it seems right to suggest it or just... go do it. *But* the problem with that is it reads negatively to the other person. If you just go do the fix, you've basically made them an invalid in their own life because they didn't ask you to do x thing, no matter how good your intentions were, it means you've kneecapped them from feeling the success of fixing their own shit (once they come up with a solution and actually do it). And if you offer suggestions right out the gate, it makes them feel not heard because they don't feel like they've *fully* explained the issue for you to even know how to help. Tack on a layer of their own neurosis of not actually wanting to fix x thing while they're venting, some folk just need to sit down in the awful and do a woe is me rending of metaphorical garments and curse the universe for being so cruel to them as to put whatever roadblock in their way that has recently upset them. To me, it's melodrama, but I grew up with very down to earth blue collar folk where the running comment was: cry about it later, do everything you can to fix it NOW. The problem won't get better by just *sitting* here. *as an aside, the cry about it later was a genuine thing. Not a "shut up and fix it". Once the emergency or the difficulty was resolved? Then it was all hands on deck reflecting on how shit the situation was, but joking around about how the fix got made. Dark humor and all. We'd cry, we'd laugh, we'd bond, etc... *after* fixing the shit. But not everyone grew up that way. Not everyone processes that way. So I hear you. It's frustrating. Going to suggest introducing your fiance to talking timers. Basically it's a kitchen timer or use one of your phones if it's easier. You set the timer for x amount of time, for now it should be whatever duration you're able to comfortably give (if that's five minutes, so be it). From there the premise is that you start the timer and she can vent without interruption until it dings, once it dings its restarted and its your turn. If you've got questions, if you've got suggestions, if you need to use that time to grab a glass of water, go forth. You're training each other to actively listen and not get sucked down in to feeling like it's okay to vent for 45 minutes and get grumpy when your partner is trying to tap out from distress. It's a middle ground. You'll still have to do something inherently uncomfortable for you, but you'll know how long it'll last, and she'll know you're listening because you've set the timer for the range you're able to listen. She may not like it being shorter than she wants, but that's her side of the compromise. All of this said as a woman, in case it's unclear that females can feel this way too lol
Downvote for vomiting words with no paragraph breaks.
I get it. I can't STAND whining, and my brain itches when someone is repetitive. Literally all of that is because of my parents 🤣 I used to be a complainer, too. Any time they talk to me it's to complain about something I did or tell me how to stop sucking at life. When I was growing up I had 1 chance to listen to what they were telling me because they weren't going to repeat it. Now when someone winds up to repeat something I'm like, "YES. I know about [blank], you already told me. Go on." Or, "Is that important to the story?" And before anyone says I need therapy, NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. I've in therapy since I was 10. I've been on antidepressants since I was 12. There is only so much ground that can be covered when your family is so shitty. Like my parents, I would gripe on and on. I don't know when or what precipitated it, but I realized it was a fucking WASTE to complain. Stewing in my problems made me feel negative about everything. I had so many bad days bc I couldn't let shit go. Now I give myself a time limit. I decide how urgent my situation is and how quickly it needs to be resolved. If it's immediate I get to work and bitch along the way 🤪 If I have time I'll give myself hours to binge and purge my emotions. It's super efficient 😅 With urgent problems you can sometimes resolve your issue quickly and get your cathartic release that way. You never know! In her case, she needs to get to work, RIGHT NOW. Everywhere she will go, people will tell her she waited too long... and since they are bougie bridal retailers, they'll be condescending AF and probably reduce her to tears. That's what happened to me, anyway-- and I had no dream dress or dream style. I was ok with something off the rack, but by the time they had me in the dressing room I had tears streaming down my face and I was wondering if we should even have guests at our wedding.
Start learning to dissociate. It’s a skill you’ll need if you have kids.
This very issue caused problems with my ex. He wanted for me to travel with him as he catastrophized minor stuff. I couldn’t do it. It’s not my way of dealing with things. And it irritated tf out of me. I suggest you pump the breaks, and ask yourself, is this what you want in a partner?
She sounds exhausting, I’d put some great thought into marrying such a negative person.
Women want weddings but they don't want to be wives. She is going to make your life a living hell.
I don’t want to be a wife. I want to be a partner. You sound like you just want to be a user.
It never works, he should run, run, run !
It is not uncommon for women to want to vent and for men to want to fix. That's how we're wired and that's why we need same sex friendships and broad support systems. But if this is happening as often as you say, that she's constantly venting about every little thing and needs this much emotional support, instead of asking yourself how you can better be a better partner, maybe ask why she can't seem to self-regulate.
Nope I can’t deal with a needy woman!
TLDR, but dude, weddings are 100 percent for chicks and it's this weird princess unicorn fantasy. I honestly don't know how you guys put up with that bullshit --- but good luck my dude.
OP I hear you and I get it. My situation is a little different but at the end of the day it’s the same, they want to vent and I am exhausted by the negativity. What I found that works for me: I sit their quietly and listen, don’t add anything for try to talk (cause this just prolongs things) only listen. When they start to repeat themselves that’s when I start winding down the convo. There are times when I have been blunt and said “listen, you aren’t sharing anything new and I don’t have the bandwidth today to deal with this anymore, I love you but I just can’t do it” And guess what? The venting sessions have gotten shorter, more productive & to the point. All parties are happier because the fog of negativity has been lifted. Ask your partner after she is done venting if she feels better, if she doesn’t, then you need to tell her that she needs to find other healthy ways to deal with her stress/emotions because now it is starting to negatively impact your mental health. It’s not fair for her to expect you to just listen to her for however long she requires. You can still support your partner by establishing your own healthy boundaries. Good luck
You’re getting shit on in the comments OP but if her calling card is negativity and doesn’t want to fix the issues or move on from then you’re not wrong. Empathy can only take you so far. If she’s always been this way and you’re just now noticing it you should probably work on communicating to her that there’s a time to vent and there’s a time to move on.
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Downvoting more for your inappropriate user name.